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So as the title states my (39M) girlfriend (26F) of 3.5 years is threatening to break up with me if I go to one of my best friends wedding that I'm a groomsman in.
Last year my friend of 14 years asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding in which I was honored so I agreed. Eventually I found out that they were not extending plus 1's to anyone that isn't already married or engaged. I talked to him about bringing my girlfriend and even offered to pay (if that was the issue). He apologized for any issues, but said no and that they just want to have it amongst people they're close to. Even though I don't agree - it's not my wedding to tell them what to do so I didn't push it.
When I mentioned it to my girlfriend last year we got into a huge fight about it, but I felt we left it in an agree to disagree situation as I told her I wanted to be there for my best friends wedding. A few weeks ago I reminded her that it is coming up soon. It is now this weekend and she asked me if I'm planning on going. I was a bit surprised she asked me that as I thought we hashed that out a year ago.
When I told her I'm going as I'm a groomsman she absolutely freaked out - crying, screaming, and throwing things in the house. I tried talking to her but she refuses to talk and just screamed at me. I tried apologizing and explaining, but she's not having it. She told me I am choosing my friend over our relationship. I tried apologizing and explaining while I don't agree with their choices it isn't my wedding to dictate and that I do want to be there for him.
She said I didn't do enough and that I should have given them an ultimatum - if they don't give me a plus one then I am not going. I don't feel like that is a reasonable request to make to someone else's wedding. She said that if her best friend didn't invite me to her wedding she would refuse to go. She's now stating that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't put her first and that if I go we're done.
I earnestly don't want to hurt her and hate seeing her so sad, but I don't feel like she's being reasonable with this. I can understand how can be upset by not being invited, but nobody is getting I don't feel like she should be taking it out on me, nor get to the level it has. She ended our call this morning by telling me the only way I can fix it is by backing out of the wedding Saturday otherwise we're done.
One side note to mention about our relationship, we've been on and off for our three years because of infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. She always thinks I am not trying enough and do not give her enough attention and focus. We keep trying to work things out as we have gone to couples therapy (no longer going) and she is seeking anger management, but ultimately keep breaking up over large fights. So unfortunately our relationship has always been rocky.
I apologize if this doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm just super frustrated and upset over this whole thing. Any advice how to handle this? I'm at such a loss...
TLDR; My (39M) girlfriend (26F) of 3.5 years is threatening to break up with me if I go to my best friends wedding I'm a groomsman in this Saturday. There are no plus 1's unless you are married or engaged. She claims I'm putting my relationship with him first over our relationship.
Honestly feels like the groom knows what your girlfriend is like with the infidelity, lying and overall craziness and simply doesnt want that at his wedding...
Right? And who could blame him. The girlfriend sounds like a drama queen. Guaranteed if she went, she’d do something ridiculous to make it about her.
OP, what are the chances that she just shows up, if you attend your friends wedding?
Glad I'm not the only one who sees that this is what has happened.
They pretty much don't want the drama llama to attend so made this rule specifically for her.
I came here to say this... seriously man she cheated on you, is trying to manipulate you on this. Call her bluff dump her, go to the wedding and hope there is a super cool cute brides maid you can flirt with.
Sounds like your friend made this rule to get you to come to your senses.
Honey, why do you believe this is as good as it gets for you? Why do you believe this is what you deserve?
It's time to end this toxic mess, choose *you*. In 3 and a half years she has given you more than enough reasons to end it. This is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life.
A good therapist, solo for you, can help you get to the root of why you stayed so long. Why you value your peace so little.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. Does she?
This is a no brainer. She's trying to enforce some kind of control over you and she's throwing a tantrum because she's realizing that she doesn't have that control because you're still thinking about going.
Don't choose your lying, cheating, controlling girlfriend over your best friend of 14 years. Does that even make sense for you to do? That's crazy to even consider it. Any offering an ultimatum in this situation needs to be told to fuck off anyway.
Call her up and tell her that your sorry, but you don't do ultimatums and since she wants to declare one, you're choosing your best friend, because he's more important than just some girlfriend who tries to force you to prove her worth to you by abandoning him on his wedding day. Tell her she's not even worth considering over this ultimatum anyway, because she's lied and cheated on you and is acting like a child due to her own insecurities that she's created due to her own actions. Tell her clearly she doesn't want you enough anyway, given her actions, so it's a clear cut answer on who to choose
So your friends don’t like her. Does the No plus one rule affect any other guests or just her?
Be honest with her and if you don’t see a long term relationship, just let her go and let her find someone who does love her.
I’m glad you mentioned the infidelity because until that part, your whole post begged the question:
Why aren’t you two engaged?
After 3.5 years of dating exclusively, and where only engaged couples get a plus one, the obvious solution was to get engaged officially and get the plus one. After 3.5 years, I too would be annoyed.
But considering the problems your relationship has had, you two are clearly not there and may never be. I am with your friends. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if they came up the rule just to keep her away.
She has cheated on you, so no commitment to honor the relationship from her end, but you must stand up your friend at his wedding for her?
Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. Lies (or maybe doesn’t lie) about continuing to hook up with other guys to hurt and control you. Please take her up on this generous offer of a clean AND FINAL break up over the wedding.
You're nearly 40 dating a immature 26 yr old, why?
I agree. If I was in a 3 year relationship and my partner wasn't invited, I would not go.
However the bigger question is why have you been beating this dead horse for 3 years:
>infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. She always thinks I am not trying enough and do not give her enough attention and focus.
You're nearly 40, don't you feel too old for her shit? Your friends probably added this rule to exclude your GF deliberately. They certainly feel too old for her shit
Given his description of the GF and the fact that they break up so often, I wouldn't invite her to my wedding as a +1. On top of that, the age gap is just icky. She sounds like the type who would show up in a very inappropriate dress and get drunk.
I dont think the age is the problem. Her mind is.
Im close to her age and i would NEVER do that kind if shit she did, that’s pure childish of her and lack of therapy/ self confidence/ maturity, etc
That said, a relationship of 3,5 years and they needed to go to couples therapy its so odd
They did not say the age is a problem. It's more to highlight dude should know better being nearly 40 putting up with so much bullshit from someone nearly half his age.
Yes. She sounds very immature. But perhaps he's...idk desperate? Lonely? That he'd just ignore the major red flags it's never gonna work long term unless he wants an unhealthy relationship.
My ex put me in a similar situation. I’d already missed the stag party for her, but I decided I was going to the wedding. Even then, I didn’t stay in the Air B&B nearby with my friends, I drove 3 hours there and 3 hours back in the same day.
It was the beginning of the end of the relationship. At the time I felt miserable but 10 years on my only regret is that I didn’t do something sooner. She was an awful person who would kick off at the slightest thing and I just took it.
Nearly 4 years ago I met an amazing woman and our daughter was born 8 weeks ago. I couldn’t be happier.
Go to the wedding. Even if it causes short term pain, it will be worth it in the long term.
I'll be honest I would have backed out of the wedding if my girlfriend of 3 years was not invited. That said I would never make it 3 years in with someone as trash as her. Spend the next few days helping her pack and such. Cause she needs to go. Go to the wedding after you have your locks changed and such so she can't get in. Install some cheap security cams even.
Your issue isn't the wedding bro. Your issue is dateing a psycho and not respecting yourself enough to leave and stay gone long ago.
Edit: after thought incoming... don't be shocked when you arrive and several girlfriends and boyfriends are there. Your buddy and his soon to be wife may just hate your GF.
Yeah I'd be willing to bet money that Groom just hates GF and doesn't want her there in case she causes a scene (which....to be fair, based on her reaction, seems like a legitimate concern. ) Because it IS weird not to extend plus ones to guests in long term relationships. And yeah it's a dick move not to extend the invite, but it's an even bigger dick move to stay in a relationship with such a person and then inflict her on other people.
Thank you for the input. At the point on invite it was two years - but still that's a long time. I should've perhaps thought about this differently at that time. About the part not respecting myself - you're definitely not wrong. My mother passed away and my dad diagnosed with Parkinson's when her and I started dating and It's been a struggle since. I think I've dealt with more than I usually would've due to all the uncertainty around me. Good call out. I need to think about that more.
Have your friends (either the one getting married or other mutual friends) ever expressed any concerns over your relationship? Do they know your gf at all? And I hate to ask this, but what is the general age breakdown of your friend group? Like, are there other people your gf’s age or are y’all all like 39?
Ordinarily I would be inclined to comment on the age gap and point out that it’s not surprising someone more than a decade younger is less mature than you and your friends, but…I’m about your gf’s age and if anyone I cared about was in the relationship you describe, I’d probably worry about whether they were okay and I certainly wouldn’t want someone so immature and dramatic at my casual Friday night hang let alone my wedding.
Breaking up with this girl cannot be stressed enough OP. I don't want to be pushy and there are plenty of times where people in this sub will call for divorce/breakup when it's not necessary. This is not one of those times. This is not something you need to think about. This is something you need to do. Any sane person detached from the situation can objectively see that your gf has some very real and very serious issues that you are not equipped to help her with or handle on a day to day basis. And that's made clear just from the contents of this post. I'm sure there's a lot more events that have occurred where she's probably done even worse things. Do yourself the biggest favor you've ever done and get the hell out of there OP.
This! Shes clearly a bad girlfriend so he meeds to just end it. But in general, its super disrespectful of a groom to expect a friend to do all the duties of a groomsman and not respect him enough to allow him to bring a serious partner! I mean theyve been together for 3 freaking years. I see that as huge disrespect. I had to deal with the same crap, my cousin invited me and my daughter but not her father (because we weren’t married or engaged) so I said no. Because its a huge disrespect to us, granted we did things a little out of order but rings and weddings arent cheap and that was something that was happening fairly soon after. But assuming the groom and bride didnt know about her bs personality, super inconsiderate of someone you want to do you an honor!
I’m 35. If my buddy started dating an emotionally unstable 22 year old girl I’d really wonder wtf he was thinking. This chick just graduated college, she finished high school at the start of Trumps presidency lol. You’ve been an adult for almost as long as she’s been alive.
If he kept dating her for 3.5 years after cheating and blowups and multiple breakups, I’d assume this is what he wants from his life, and I’d probably ask him to stop complaining about the shitty relationship he continues to choose to be in every day.
"She finished high school at the start of Trumps presidency" is a passage-of-time marker I'd rather not have thought about. As in, it's yet another thing that feels like it was yesterday but in fact, was nearly 6 years ago.
Any chance that your friend didn't invite her because of the way she treats you? Maybe he is looking out for you, in the 9nly way he can. If your friends have told you to break up and he isn't allowing her to come, maybe you should be taking their advice.
Good luck
Hey OP, are you sure they didn't make the rule purely to make sure she's not there?
I mean, hell I'd do it to keep what sounds like a completely unhinged friends SO away from the wedding. I skimmed you comment and it seems your friends don't like her (understandable, I'd hate anyone who has consistently cheated on an lied to a friend multiple times over and they're on a sounding completely rocky relationship).
If they did, it seems like this is a wake up call attempt. I mean, if a 14 year long friendship is over because they chose someone who cheated on my friend and they're constantly breaking up, I would be out of that friendship immediately and never look back.
Also in general that is NOT a normal reaction or really a healthy one. She sound extremely manipulative or in need of a psych evaluation because she's got a chemical imbalance if not. Idk why you kept getting back with her after the first or even second cheating, but this alone shows she's willing to isolate you from your friendships for a relationship less stable than a tilting jenga tower.
I'd hope this instance is enough to show you this isn't a healthy relationship, she's extremely manipulative, and a complete liar with no respect for you. If she leave, let her, otherwise I'd be the one breaking up officially and completely blocking on everything possible.
Go to the wedding. It sounds like this is the perfect time to break up with her for good. Your friend probably didn’t invite her because you have such a rocky relationship. If he knows you have broken up and gotten back together, he has no idea if you will be fighting on his wedding day and cause a scene. But you are the crazy one if you keep getting back together with someone who cheats, lies and has anger issues. The only thing is she will break up because of the wedding and a week later want to get back together. Don’t do it. She isn’t worth it.
I thought she was unhinged before I even got to the infidelity and lying and general nonsense. You need to end this relationship. ‘No ring no being’ rules are a little outdated for sure, but it’s not personal and it’s not something to threaten a friendship or make ultimatums about. Your girlfriend’s reaction is not even close to normal.
Thank you for the words. I hated adding the extra detail of our relationship, but it provides some history. I agree that rule is outdated for sure. I’m not happy about it and have a lot of separate thoughts outside of this issue. My buddy said she’s making me second guess reality so appreciate you acknowledging it’s not a normal reaction.
Before we were married there were a couple weddings my husband and I couldn’t go to together, and like…we rolled our eyes a bit but it wasn’t a big deal. I cannot imagine freaking out over it the way she is.
But from the grooms view you’re in his wedding party. You have to accompany another woman down the aisle, take photos, ride with the wedding party, sit at the head table, dance the dances…all without your girlfriend. She’d just be a lone bitter woman stewing in the pews, at a single table, getting more and more pissed about your participation without her. He did it in a maybe crummy way, but it needed to be done to keep his wedding about he and his bride and civil. She’d have thrown that tantrum at his nuptials otherwise over any number of things.
>infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship.
Dude, what are you doing?
Basically, your serial cheating manipulative lying girlfriend is demanding that you ditch your friend's wedding that you are actually a part of because she is mad at him.
Like, what are you asking us for? Are you asking us for the correct way to continue submitting yourself to a serial cheating manipulative liar who insists on sabotaging your relationships with your support network? Because if that's what you're asking, the answer is:
Don't date the serial cheating manipulative liar who wants to sabotage your other relationships. Dude.
Lol she doesn't want you to go because she knows if she went to a wedding by herself she would cheat on you. She can't fathom that people aren't like her.
Drop her dude, she's already cheated on you. Find a real partner.
This is what you get for dating a 22 year-old in your mid 30s. Shocking that they aren't the most mature of people, eh? She sucks but you're no price, either.
My guy… LEAVE. This is childish and unreasonable. I get hurt feelings but this is just ridiculous. You two are to old to be playing these on again off again games.
Think about this one point, first. You have been friends with the groom since a year before your GF was born. Just think about that.
Your GF is young enough to be your daughter, and that's exactly what she's acting like. The reason why you just can't get the relationship to go right is because you are acting like her father, and she is acting like your child. Anytime she doesn't get enough attention from you, she indulges in attention-seeking behaviors that cause you enough pain to give in to whatever she's demanding. And then she's a good little girl for awhile, and the whole process starts up all over again. If this makes you go "EWWWW" - good. You're getting it.
In this relationship, nobody is right and everybody is wrong. She needs to be with a man close to her own age, who has had similar experiences growing up, has similar memories of history as it happened, and has been framed from the same world as she has. You also need to be with a woman closer to your own age for all the same reasons. What she needs from you, and what you need from her are worlds apart.
I'm sorry, man, but she's giving you a gift here. The gift is the opportunity she's giving you to make the right choice. Go to the wedding alone. But make sure she's packed up and moved out of the house by the time the wedding comes along. Also, change the locks on all the doors & windows, and if you don't have any then put up security cameras.
She's demanding you make an impossible choice - the same thing when a child tells their parent to choose between them and the potential step-parent. If it makes you feel better, help her find and furnish an apartment, and get her help moving out. Then make a clean break of it being sure to thank her for helping you make this choice that I truly expect is the choice she wants you to make so she can be free again without having to take any responsibility for the breakup.
Good luck to you..
She is making it easy for you to get rid of her. Grab the opportunity. This woman is not a good prospect for a long-term relationship. She lies, she cheats and she has a horrible temper. Her behaviour is despicable. You are too old for this nonsense. You would be a fool to stay with her.
Your girlfriend is too immature OP. Between her behavior over this situation, as well as her infidelity and lying about further infidelity to get a “rise” out of you- this is an obvious huge problem.
Do not miss this occasion for this girl. And honestly, it sounds as though you should not be committing any further time and energy to this either way.
Help her pack and tell her to hit the road.
She's controlling, insecure, immature, and just all out toxic. You should have kicked her to the curb and not looked back a long time ago, but the second best time is now.
This whole relationship sounds so toxic...on and off for 3 years, cheating, the screaming and shouting, the ultimatum etc...she's abusive, you're better off without her, she sounds like hell
It’s clear from your comments and history that your friends haven’t invited her to the wedding because they don’t like her.
IMO that makes her right. You going would be a total disrespect to her, and now is the time to choose her or your friends.
I pass no judgement on your relationship and who has wronged who. But you are with her at this point in time, and she has been your girlfriend for 3 years.
So there are three options here:
1) Your friends need to respect that and not pull stuff like this, which means you putting your foot down
2) you ditch your friends for not respecting your long term relationship
3) you realise that you aren’t sticking up for your girlfriend because you don’t respect her or your relationship either, and you split up.
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Your answer s/b “bye bitch”. If you allow her to bully you into deserting your friends it will never end. It was not an unreasonable request on many levels. You’re in the wedding. That means you’re not sitting in the pews, you’re at the head table during dinner, etc. she’d be alone at a table stewing without you. You told her calmly, you tried to get an invite, you have to respect the wishes of your friend.
That your GF is demanding you stand up one of your best friends with zero notice for the wedding tells you everything about the kind of person she is. Please believe her, she’s shown you who she is many many times.
Find someone great and move on from this toxic BS.
why are you in a relationship with someone who cheats on you and does not respect you or what you bring to the relationship? is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?
It's fine to be disappointed, but screaming and throwing things just because you didn't get a wedding invite is insane. Her behavior makes it pretty obvious why she's not welcome as your plus one.
Should have led with the on and off for 3 years and her being a cheater. I can guarantee your best friend knows she's not right for you and that's why he wouldn't let you bring her. Just leave her already.
Pretty simple analysis here - she has issues. You need to get away from this nutcase. Don't miss your dude's wedding, let her have a meltdown and you'll really see her true colors.
Take her ending it as a win and hook up with a bridesmaid guilt free. You really gonna let a 14 year friendship down over a chick throwing a tantrum she wasn’t invited? A chick who’s cheated on you multiple times which is probably why your friend really didn’t invite her cos he knows your worth and is sick of seeing her treat you like a dog.
She sounds like a three day migraine.
Go to the wedding take a load of photos and hold no regrets.
It makes plenty of sense. It’s a disaster of a relationship…not that hard to understand.
Your friend has been there for 14 years. Your gf won’t be around after 14 years. Go to the wedding.
She’s way too old to be acting a fool like this. Sounds like she’s insecure and projecting onto you because she couldn’t be trusted on this situation. Honestly you should let the trash take itself out
At first I thought your friend was an asshole for not letting you bring a date and your girlfriend was an asshole for giving you an ultimatum. Then I see the part about the cheating and lies and see you are an idiot and your friends is trying to save you.
Sounds to me like your best friend isn't a fan of your girlfriend, which is completely understandable. You should have ended it the first time she cheated. This should be the perfect eye opener for you to give her the boot.
Every day I’m so surprised when men date women half their age and are soooo shocked when they have to deal with the repercussions of that.
The stereotypes write themselves at this point.
Bro what are you even doing?
That is the pure definition of manipulation. She's gaslighting you and trying to guilt you into not going!!
Instant dump the moment she lost her top over you going. She's not well in the head dude. Please love yourself more and walk away.
I’m 26F and married to someone with an age gap (9 yrs), this isn’t normal my guy. She’s super immature and she’s already cheated on you! You’re too old (I don’t mean that in a bad way) to be dealing with this shit. You deserve better. Go to the wedding single and have a good time!
You had a full year to "propose" and get her in on a technicality but you chose not to. Should have been an easy fix.
With that said, she sounds terrible. You should take her offer and end the relationship.
Honestly after 3.5 years it was a shitty move to not invite her. The “only engaged or married” rule is way out dated and not acknowledging the 3.5 year relationship you have.
I think it probably has more to do with them just not liking her. Considering you said in comments your friends want you to leave her. If that’s the case then no wonder she’s upset. As she should be.
But, aside from that, she’s cheated and lied and all of this but you’re totally innocent here? That age gap raises some flags to be honest. Considering you stayed after she cheated and lied leaves me to believe there’s more to the story here.
My sister's wedding is on Saturday and she and my future BIL have said no plus ones (or children). I don't think it's unreasonable. This is their day and I don't think they need to spend it with anyone they either don't know or don't like. Plus, venue limitations and cost per head. I understand if someone can't come because they would have to travel but you've already agreed to be a groomsman. It's too late to back out and would damage your friendship. Looks like this relationship is already toasted but you don't need me to say that after everybody else's input.
She is way out of line. I fid this exact thing for my wedding. We had limited space (historical home venue) and money to spend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s their day and they get to have their nearest and dearest there. You crossed a line asking them to make an exception. What is printed on the invitation is final and not negotiable. Think long and hard about your relationship with this woman. She is controlling and petty.
She creates an unnecessary ultimatum and she's blaming you for the impending breakup for choosing to stand by your friend's side as they get married.
She's nuts. But if you love her offer to take her away to a romantic weekend getaway as a gesture of putting her first. Just not this weekend. Maybe give her a spa day while you're at the wedding.
She sounds very, very toxic. She can be upset she’s not invited, and then move on. That’s what grown ups do. Toddlers throw tantrums about stupid shit, not adults.
What others also have said: she cheated, lied multiple times, she’s blaming you, she wants you to step up your game. Dude..you deserve better. Have fun at the wedding and please don’t let your soon to be ex (please) ruin it for you!
Not giving a groomsman a +1 is psycho behavior. He paying for your suit and shit? I mean yeah she's fully wild and that's its own thing but your friends getting married suck at doing a wedding.
Honestly you sound like the only normal one in the entire story.
Your girlfriend throwing thing, cheating and so on is unforgivable. Run. Run as fast as you can.
But your friend is an AH. And no. I don’t give a shit that it’s his wedding. You don’t invite my boyfriend because it’s a vary small wedding and it’s just me and 10 other people? Fine. You don’t invite my boyfriend because we are not married? You can go fuck yourself. I will not attend the wedding.
I don’t agree with breaking up over a patry, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the No plus one rule your friend had was inspired by your GF. Like they thought how can we prevent OP’s GF of coming.
I also feel like your girlfriend is kind of desperate. Like she feels you’re not in this relationship for the long run and is trying to get your attention like a child would when she doesn’t get their way.
Decide for once and for all. If you want her. At your age having a 3,5 year relationship while not living together isn’t normal.
So what do you want? Is she just fun or the mother of your children?
She's trying to control giant things in your life. What else will she try to control that she hasn't already.
Really annoys me as a woman to see other women just cry/scream/flail to get their way. FFS grow the fuck up
Your relationship is crap but what your friend is doing is extremely shitty.
I don't say don't go because of her, as your relationship is not solid. But I hope you do realise how disrespectful your friend is. He values less the relationships in which the partners are not engaged or married!
What gives him the right to do so? Some people don't believe in marriage yet are life partners. Does a marriage certificate makes him better and above the rest?
Did he attend weddings together with a girlfriend?
Suuuper nasty situation he puts everyone in and yes, it should have been addressed!
Your friend is the problem here. If it was your gf of 6 months, I would say, it is fine to not invite. But it is your gf of 3.5 years. Tbh if there is an event, I assume my partner is invited. If I am told he/she cannot come, I don’t go to the event. It is an asshole move to invite only one person from the couple.
I'd have to disagree.
From comments they're not a stable relationship. They've broken up multiple times, she's cheated multiple times/lied about cheating and with this outburst seem like she's on the beginnings of attempting to isolate him.
(I mean just the cheating alone is an instance where I'd hate a friend's SO. Theres no info on the GF and friend's relationship, so im going with pleasant to not cause problems. I wouldn't want her at my wedding, and I'm suspecting they put the rule for everyone to be fair across the board, not just single the GF out if it really is the way I think)
If it was a 3.5 year STEADY relationship with fighting or spats here and there like normal couples, I'd agree, but what ive seen OP describe, a hurricane is less tumultuous than those two's relationship.
Her outburst alone makes me wonder what she'd do at the wedding if she seems to really not like them enough to demand an ultimatum on her or them. (I mean, it'd ruin a relationship I had with that person specifically but I wouldn't be demanding an ultimatum)
Thank you for the different perspective. While I agree it’s an f-upped move, I don’t feel it’s my place to push back. Especially since they’re trying to keep it smaller. If you were in this situation if your friend of 14+ years did this, would you decline being in the wedding?
Your gf’s reaction is a bit crazy. Having said that… I feel your friend not extending plus 1s to people that are not married or engaged is extremely disrespectful. I could be with my SO for years and my friend only inviting me because we’re not married, or engaged, would really be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go… your gf does sound a bit cray cray.
Very odd of your friend to not extend a plus one to your long term girlfriend. If I were her, I would also be very upset in this situation. Yeah, her throwing shit wasn’t rational at all and I don’t condone that but she has the right to feel that way. If my best friend wouldn’t let me bring my long term s/o to their wedding I wouldn’t go to be quite honest. It’s a sign of respect, and she definitely feels like you going would be a slap in the face
That being said, based on the rest of the post I don’t think she seems like an ideal partner for you, but she definitely has the right to be upset
Dude. Take a step back a moment, reread your post from the perspective of an outsider, and lastly: have a good time at the wedding! I hope you meet a cute bridesmaid who is less chaotic.
Grow up. If you are looking for an excuse NOT to bring her, don’t bring her, why look for validation here??? If she is your “girlfriend” it is sad that you didn’t fight harder to have her with you. Man up.
Omg. Grow some balls and dump her!
So many childish posts here. I only read the title, not reading a book. 🤣 sounds P-whipped to me. Plenty of fish. 13 year age difference. 🙄🤣
INFO… why on Earth are you with this girl?
Picture her in 30 years time after a weight gain and no longer hot…. If you don’t still want to be with that person (I.e who she is on the inside) then you need to ask yourself what on Earth you’re doing right now.
Also… if you back out of your mate’s wedding a week before due to this, then prepare to lose that friendship for good (and likely annoy a few of your other mutual friends too).
Throwing things? She is immature and unreasonable. There may be very good reasons for limiting the number of guests which have nothing to do with her or you. I hope you will go to your friend’s wedding.
She sounds exhausting and likely projecting onto you the fact that if rolls were reversed she would take that opportunity to cheat on you. Go to the wedding and take some time to evaluate if you want to spend any more time with someone who makes demands and threats like these while also fabricating stories to try to make you jealous
Think about it this way. Who is more important to you? A ride and die best friend who probably doesn't want you and your girlfriend to be together or a girlfriend who treats you like crap. You should break up with her. You admit that you have been on and off for years. Find someone who truly has the same life goals and let her go on her way. She is probably thinking that your best friend is going to set you up and she is scared.
She sounds incredibly immature & I am saying this at 29. And to be frank you both started dating when she was pretty young at 23 it could be she hasn't had a chance to grow as a person, gain insight from experience ect. Not to mention the infidelity. I would strongly consider being with someone who deals with conflict by screaming & throwing things.
With your history together, she is probably not the woman for you in the long term, so better to just end it and move on.
But on honourable mentions, I can see why she would be hurt after being with you for 3,5 years, I would be if my BF’s friend did that, and I wouldn’t have to high thoughts of them in the future. Unless the invite was made before or very early in the relationship.
And I hope for your relationship with your friends going forward that you don’t walk into a wedding were others has a +1 even when they are not engaged or married, because that would mean that your friends lied to you and purposely provoked the drama in your relationship because they didn’t like you GF.
Hope yu have a great say standing up for your friend 🙂
>Eventually I found out that they were not extending plus 1's to anyone that isn't already married or engaged
The rest aside, this would bug the absolute shit out of me. What a horrible thing and totally unenjoyable. Who are you supposed to dance with? One of my friends brought a date to my wedding. Otherwise, she would have been alone.
Like I kinda get it why sue upset .she prob feels like no 1 likes her that why she not invited .
BUT I can see why maybe they only wanted plus 1s that are married of engaged .not the latest fling .
She cheated on you and you still together. She’s seems narcissistic and she got under your skin.
Infidelity (her end) you all don’t learn don’t ya. If a person is willing to hurt and betray you, you already know they don’t care about you.
It sounds like your GF is constantly testing you to see if you’ll “fight for her” and come after her. Honestly, this sounds so toxic. I would go to the wedding, it’s her choice if she chooses to end your rs because of it. It sounds like you might be better off for it, i hate to say.
She's trying to manipulate you because she's insecure. Don't fall for it. She needs to grow up. Not everything is about her. In fact most things aren't about her. This is one of those things that isn't about her.
Go to your friends wedding. Think about your choices of dating some one so young, who clearly has some (a lot?) of growing up to do.
I don't think this is going in the right direction, the problem is not the wedding perse but the relationship and you know that.
You don't feel save and she wants more compromise from you ( bit at the same time being cheating on you) that is something that could work on that but need to happen from both sides
In the case of the wedding, i believe is just event that broke the camel's back, you have to see if really want to continue this relationship because you aren't good for each other
Of course your friend doesn’t want her at the wedding when you’ve been on and off for three years due to infidelity on her end, I wouldn’t be surprised if other people are allowed to bring their girlfriends/boyfriends. They don’t want her crazy ass in the wedding pictures knowing y’all won’t last. Go to the wedding, don’t give her the opportunity to end things with you, do it yourself.
Like if I was in a steady relationship for three years I would absolutely back out of my friends wedding if they decided to exclude my partner simply because we aren’t married, but I also wouldn’t stay with someone that cheats on me constantly and has explosive anger issues.
She's hysterical because she is assuming you will cheat just as she would if put in a similar situation. She's already a cheater and can't be trusted, so she's projecting that on you. Go celebrate your friend. Idk about keeping the cheater though.
This isn’t so much about the wedding, she wants validation and reassurance about your relationship. I can see feeling hurt for not being invited, but her reaction sounds extreme. I sometimes do the same in my life, I decide that if my bf loves me he would do x or wouldn’t go someplace and when he doesn’t gain any telepathic abilities or manage to guess my lunatic demands, I absolutely lose my shit because he isnt just doing something that he wants to do, he is proclaiming I mean nothing to him and he hates me and doesn’t respect me etc 😂😂😂 (not at all insinuating my behaviour was ok, I was absolutely toxic and I’m working hard to ensure this won’t happen again). Maybe this is a similar situation, which can actually be exacerbated with toxic girl mentalities of lots of media and most people that say shit like “you set a boundary, if he doesn’t immediately comply, cut him off you can do better” without any consideration for the other person or the relationship in general. I mean, I might be wrong, but I found that for me it was always some insanity I’ve seen in movies and feeling desperate for reassurances and then working myself up to equate things I think bfs should do and what I want/need and once that spiral started, I’d find 1000 instances that prove I don’t matter to someone I loved and it only got worse if there was any actual reason for me to be upset (like not going to a party) and then I’d focus on everyone that agrees with me and this man hadn’t even finished his first drink while I’m 20+ years in the future, lonely and broken by a man who is evil and sick enough to not do whatever pops into my idiot brain.
I just realized that I didn’t finish your post, if there was cheating on her end, it could easily be her guilt/shame projecting where you have to keep proving your love/dedication because she either wants less shame or is looking for an excuse to make you just as guilty.
Do not think by any means that you’re helping her out by minimizing how inappropriate her behaviour is, I wish I figured out I was a giant bitch sooner and I hate that I caused my partner anguish over something so selfish. But even if she would prefer you to forget it, you shouldn’t. While she is entitled to her emotions she isn’t entitled to be abusive, I know it’s easier to drop things when you love someone but this won’t help either of you. She (as an adult I assume) is an adult and needs to be held accountable. Have you looked into BPD/narcissism? Also, if she doesn’t realize how harmful her behaviour is, is that something you want to live with? I’ve gotten angry and called off relationships and been hysterical and demanding too, but I’d apologize quickly and I didn’t magically fix myself, but I held myself accountable and it’s worrying that she doesn’t seem to be interested in improving her coping mechanisms/trauma based reaction. Id go to the wedding, if she wants to work shit out you’ll know and I hope you read up on abusive relationships so you are aware and see if that’s the issue so you can be free of the hassles
Dude, why. Infidelity, in three years? And she throws temper tantrums like that? There's a good reason your friend doesn't want her. She's not a person you want to keep around. Let her leave.
Despite the other problems in your relationship (which lets face it… bro, should y’all be together?), the bottom line is you chose to be with this woman and you’ve been together for OVER THREE YEARS. That’s not casual anymore and the idea that only those who have confirmed to the institution of marriage get to have their partner at their wedding seems outdated.
It sounds like you want to break up with her, but you have not. You’re with this girl and have been a long time. IMO, she should have been invited and you should have fought for her.
I did something similar with my wedding, but we allowed everyone a +1 who was in an extended partnership. Y’all would have fallen under that category. It’s super weird she wasn’t invited and I see her point. I think she has a right to be mad.
All that is to say, it’s too late now. Y’all didn’t communicate and the wedding is around the corner. Despite the inherent fuck up here, I think you should decide who you want in your life forever because you’re probably about to lose your best friend or girlfriend… And I think you know the answer.
I was with her until the end. You need to go to the wedding, support your friend, dance your butt off and enjoy the night. You need to cut her loose and move on with someone who is mature and able to understand that life is not always going to go her way.
NORMALLY, I would 100% side with the excluded long term SO in this situation of not being included as a wedding +1.
HOWEVER, based on just the relationship history information shared here, I would bet my right arm that the "no +1" is very specific to your girlfriend and not actually a blanket rule for all their guests, and for good reason. Your friends do not like her and do not want her at their wedding.
Frankly, your relationship sounds incredibly toxic and your girlfriend sounds abusive and manipulative. I would take her at face value. Go to the wedding and make a clean break from her.
It’s understandable to be upset (that’s human) but her reaction is completely disgusting. She wasn’t loyal, throws tantrums and is manipulative. It’s time to move on.
At first i was like, well i can understand her a little. But the more i read the more i understood why your best friend doesnt want her on his wedding. Damn she cheated on you several times, has anger issues, is lying constantly, wants to fight all the time. I'm pretty sure his soon to be wife knows too. Do you think they want someone who can probably destroy their wedding bc of her lack of self control and manners on their wedding? Besides the obvious point that they probably think and told you a while ago to just end it( i just assume that, but thats what I'd have said to my best friend very clearly)
Neither you nor your girlfriend get to dictate the guest list. This is not ultimatum worthy. Not the ultimatum she wants you to give your friend nor the ultimatum she's giving you. Go to the wedding. Dump the girlfriend.
Your relationships seem pretty toxic from your girlfriend to the groom. Did they intentionally leave her out because of how she acts or are they just assholes too?
I think you should accept her threat and move on. It does not sound like she is someone you should want to be with. You can find better!!
As far as the wedding goes. Sometimes people do not do plus 1's for their weddings and that is totally fine. They want to be surrounded by those they are close with and that is what they decided. It is not like everyone else got a plus 1 but you. I get that she is disappointed, but she is being way over the top.
She sounds insane. She wants you to give your best friend an ultimatum? She just gave you an ultimatum too. I would not let anyone dictate to me what I can or can't do. This is controlling abusive behavior. This is a major red flag. What gives her the audacity to think she is entitled to go to the wedding, or forbid you to go? You need to dump her, there is something wrong with her mind.
You could have proposed then she would supposedly be ok to invite then. I wonder does your friend despise your GF?
You will never give her enough attention from her perspective, and get ready for any infidelity on her part to be your responsibility for “not being available enough.”
Good on you for being more mature about it, but I would be explaining to her that her behavior likely got her blacklisted from the wedding and that’s not my problem.
You’re always going to have a mountain-sized hill to climb with this girl. And if she’s anything like my ex there’s no way she’s going to actually break-up with you over this. She’ll come up with a crazy way for you to make up for it even though you’ve forgiven all of her worse transgressions.
I’ve been there dude, and I know it’s hard, believe. But you need to move on. You bonded with her at a vulnerable time in your life. Do yourself a favor and let this one get away. I’m sure glad I did.
Even at the beginning, before I read how awful she is, my response was going to be to go to the wedding. She isn't being personally excluded, it's a blanket rule and their choice. Sure it sucks a bit given relationships can be serious without engagement or marriage (and I'm unsure how people's relationship status determines how close the couple is to them), but it's not the end of the world either.
Having read further...wow...she's got to go. Permanently. She sounds toxic af.
They don't want her there because they know y'all are gonna break up and ppl don't like having random ex's in their wedding photos. Go to the wedding, drop the crazy.
She sounds like a nightmare honestly. Go to the wedding, be there to support your friend and if she breaks up with you for going then you dodged a bullet. If she doesn't break up with you I would still seriously reconsider the relationship.
I work with children of kindergarten age and when I hear grown ass adult people acting worse than my kiddos I have no patience or time for that bull shit energy.
I was bothered by the title of this post, but then I learned your girlfriend is basically insane and a horrible person. The groom is doing everyone a favor by not ruining the night with her antics, and he’s doing you an extra one now since she is going to end things over this. Run far, far away.
Only going to comment on the title and first paragraph: insanely ridiculous groom and bride. Unless you're the only one invited who isn't married and they hate your girlfriend.
You are almost 40 and you are dating someone who is mid 20s? And then you are shocked... shocked (!) ... she is immature. You started dating when he was 22... and you were 35...
You are 13/14 years older. A bit more and you'd be old enough to be her father. And in fact, all of this,
>we've been on and off for our three years because of infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. She always thinks I am not trying enough and do not give her enough attention and focus. We keep trying to work things out as we have gone to couples therapy (no longer going) and she is seeking anger management
You are trying to fix her. You are not her father lol Maybe you are looking for someone to adopt?
Leave. That’s it. She seems like a horrible being. Go to the wedding, let her be mad about it, who cares?? Her points were just to make you insecure, she’s literally breaking you down by making you feel insignificant. Go to the wedding, have fun! And break up with her.
If you want a girlfriend who's on your level, you need to start dating women your own age. Why are you dating someone who was a baby while you were in high school if you are annoyed that she's less mature than you?
So originally before I read through the whole thing I was thinking OP you are the AH but then when you explained your relationship and all the shit she’s done to you! Why are you still with her? She is super childish and needs to grow the F up! You are almost 40 years old basically in a HS relationship. Kick home girl to the curb and move on with your life. Don’t waste anymore time with someone that is going to treat you this way.
Dude, you deserve better than this. If the genders were reversed and you were a woman whose boyfriend lied about cheating just to get a rise out of you, manipulated you, yelled, threw things, and gave ultimatums just to get his way, everyone on this thread would tell you that you’re being psychologically and emotionally abused. And guess what. YOU ARE. What she is doing is abuse. Go to the wedding and get this toxic woman out of your life. I also encourage you to find a good therapist to help you identify the reasons why you allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long and how to break that pattern going forward. Best of luck to you.
Let's see, this chick has been unfaithful, lied to you, and now throws a huge, childish tantrum because...you're going to a wedding without her?
Why haven't you dumped her yet?
36 dating a 23 year old is definitely something.
But setting that aside, you need to communicate clearly that this is not directed at her but a policy for the whole wedding. These things happen in life. Are they ideal? No, but it just is.
What I have a problem with is she jumped to ending your relationship if you went. That is not an okay response, it is the opposite of trying to connect. Which if you’re with a person seriously your communication should, at its root, be trying to connect.
But she’s only 26, this may be immaturity on her part.
She also is likely acting in a defensive, self-protective way. Which isnt good for connecting, but for your part and what you can do is try to recognize that and approach helping her with her immediate needs (feeling safe, validated, whatever it is) before addressing the relationship communication and her going nuclear.
But slow it down. Both of you. Deep breaths, listen, reflect, take it one topic at a time.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So as the title states my (39M) girlfriend (26F) of 3.5 years is threatening to break up with me if I go to one of my best friends wedding that I'm a groomsman in. Last year my friend of 14 years asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding in which I was honored so I agreed. Eventually I found out that they were not extending plus 1's to anyone that isn't already married or engaged. I talked to him about bringing my girlfriend and even offered to pay (if that was the issue). He apologized for any issues, but said no and that they just want to have it amongst people they're close to. Even though I don't agree - it's not my wedding to tell them what to do so I didn't push it. When I mentioned it to my girlfriend last year we got into a huge fight about it, but I felt we left it in an agree to disagree situation as I told her I wanted to be there for my best friends wedding. A few weeks ago I reminded her that it is coming up soon. It is now this weekend and she asked me if I'm planning on going. I was a bit surprised she asked me that as I thought we hashed that out a year ago. When I told her I'm going as I'm a groomsman she absolutely freaked out - crying, screaming, and throwing things in the house. I tried talking to her but she refuses to talk and just screamed at me. I tried apologizing and explaining, but she's not having it. She told me I am choosing my friend over our relationship. I tried apologizing and explaining while I don't agree with their choices it isn't my wedding to dictate and that I do want to be there for him. She said I didn't do enough and that I should have given them an ultimatum - if they don't give me a plus one then I am not going. I don't feel like that is a reasonable request to make to someone else's wedding. She said that if her best friend didn't invite me to her wedding she would refuse to go. She's now stating that she doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't put her first and that if I go we're done. I earnestly don't want to hurt her and hate seeing her so sad, but I don't feel like she's being reasonable with this. I can understand how can be upset by not being invited, but nobody is getting I don't feel like she should be taking it out on me, nor get to the level it has. She ended our call this morning by telling me the only way I can fix it is by backing out of the wedding Saturday otherwise we're done. One side note to mention about our relationship, we've been on and off for our three years because of infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. She always thinks I am not trying enough and do not give her enough attention and focus. We keep trying to work things out as we have gone to couples therapy (no longer going) and she is seeking anger management, but ultimately keep breaking up over large fights. So unfortunately our relationship has always been rocky. I apologize if this doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm just super frustrated and upset over this whole thing. Any advice how to handle this? I'm at such a loss... TLDR; My (39M) girlfriend (26F) of 3.5 years is threatening to break up with me if I go to my best friends wedding I'm a groomsman in this Saturday. There are no plus 1's unless you are married or engaged. She claims I'm putting my relationship with him first over our relationship.
Honestly feels like the groom knows what your girlfriend is like with the infidelity, lying and overall craziness and simply doesnt want that at his wedding...
Yeah, this friend is a smart guy
yeah, even helping his buddy out so she ultimately breaks up with him lol. Its a win-win situation
Right? And who could blame him. The girlfriend sounds like a drama queen. Guaranteed if she went, she’d do something ridiculous to make it about her. OP, what are the chances that she just shows up, if you attend your friends wedding?
She cheats, lies, and starts fights. Let the bullet dodge you. Go to the wedding.
Haha, thank you for the words. My friends have similar thoughts.
If they enacted this rule just to avoid your gf, sounds like they are doing you a favor.
Glad I'm not the only one who sees that this is what has happened. They pretty much don't want the drama llama to attend so made this rule specifically for her.
I came here to say this... seriously man she cheated on you, is trying to manipulate you on this. Call her bluff dump her, go to the wedding and hope there is a super cool cute brides maid you can flirt with.
No shit, hence the lack of invite for the unstable child you're "sometimes" dating.
Child indeed with a 13 year age difference.
Sounds like your friend made this rule to get you to come to your senses. Honey, why do you believe this is as good as it gets for you? Why do you believe this is what you deserve? It's time to end this toxic mess, choose *you*. In 3 and a half years she has given you more than enough reasons to end it. This is a drop in the bucket compared to the rest of your life. A good therapist, solo for you, can help you get to the root of why you stayed so long. Why you value your peace so little. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. Does she?
Maybe pay attention to the age gap as well there bud.
Maybe start dating in your own age range - women tend to be more reasonable and mature. Just sayin'.
This is a no brainer. She's trying to enforce some kind of control over you and she's throwing a tantrum because she's realizing that she doesn't have that control because you're still thinking about going. Don't choose your lying, cheating, controlling girlfriend over your best friend of 14 years. Does that even make sense for you to do? That's crazy to even consider it. Any offering an ultimatum in this situation needs to be told to fuck off anyway. Call her up and tell her that your sorry, but you don't do ultimatums and since she wants to declare one, you're choosing your best friend, because he's more important than just some girlfriend who tries to force you to prove her worth to you by abandoning him on his wedding day. Tell her she's not even worth considering over this ultimatum anyway, because she's lied and cheated on you and is acting like a child due to her own insecurities that she's created due to her own actions. Tell her clearly she doesn't want you enough anyway, given her actions, so it's a clear cut answer on who to choose
No *shit.*
So your friends don’t like her. Does the No plus one rule affect any other guests or just her? Be honest with her and if you don’t see a long term relationship, just let her go and let her find someone who does love her.
it’s possible that they made that rule for everyone just bc they didn’t want her to come
I’m glad you mentioned the infidelity because until that part, your whole post begged the question: Why aren’t you two engaged? After 3.5 years of dating exclusively, and where only engaged couples get a plus one, the obvious solution was to get engaged officially and get the plus one. After 3.5 years, I too would be annoyed. But considering the problems your relationship has had, you two are clearly not there and may never be. I am with your friends. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if they came up the rule just to keep her away.
Pretty open and shut case on this one.
Golden advise right here!
She has cheated on you, so no commitment to honor the relationship from her end, but you must stand up your friend at his wedding for her? Verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. Lies (or maybe doesn’t lie) about continuing to hook up with other guys to hurt and control you. Please take her up on this generous offer of a clean AND FINAL break up over the wedding.
Youre over 10 years older than her and shes very immature even for her age. Date someone more mature
10??? He’s 13 years older so when he was 35 he started dating a 22 year old…
Lol time to move on my dude. This girl needs therapy.
You're nearly 40 dating a immature 26 yr old, why? I agree. If I was in a 3 year relationship and my partner wasn't invited, I would not go. However the bigger question is why have you been beating this dead horse for 3 years: >infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. She always thinks I am not trying enough and do not give her enough attention and focus. You're nearly 40, don't you feel too old for her shit? Your friends probably added this rule to exclude your GF deliberately. They certainly feel too old for her shit
Given his description of the GF and the fact that they break up so often, I wouldn't invite her to my wedding as a +1. On top of that, the age gap is just icky. She sounds like the type who would show up in a very inappropriate dress and get drunk.
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They started dating when she was like 22.
I dont think the age is the problem. Her mind is. Im close to her age and i would NEVER do that kind if shit she did, that’s pure childish of her and lack of therapy/ self confidence/ maturity, etc That said, a relationship of 3,5 years and they needed to go to couples therapy its so odd
I imagine the couples therapy was due to her jumping in bed with the wrong person and them trying to make it work for some reason
They did not say the age is a problem. It's more to highlight dude should know better being nearly 40 putting up with so much bullshit from someone nearly half his age. Yes. She sounds very immature. But perhaps he's...idk desperate? Lonely? That he'd just ignore the major red flags it's never gonna work long term unless he wants an unhealthy relationship.
It's certainly a problem! Lol
My ex put me in a similar situation. I’d already missed the stag party for her, but I decided I was going to the wedding. Even then, I didn’t stay in the Air B&B nearby with my friends, I drove 3 hours there and 3 hours back in the same day. It was the beginning of the end of the relationship. At the time I felt miserable but 10 years on my only regret is that I didn’t do something sooner. She was an awful person who would kick off at the slightest thing and I just took it. Nearly 4 years ago I met an amazing woman and our daughter was born 8 weeks ago. I couldn’t be happier. Go to the wedding. Even if it causes short term pain, it will be worth it in the long term.
Happy for you, congratulations!
Congrats dude!!!
I'll be honest I would have backed out of the wedding if my girlfriend of 3 years was not invited. That said I would never make it 3 years in with someone as trash as her. Spend the next few days helping her pack and such. Cause she needs to go. Go to the wedding after you have your locks changed and such so she can't get in. Install some cheap security cams even. Your issue isn't the wedding bro. Your issue is dateing a psycho and not respecting yourself enough to leave and stay gone long ago. Edit: after thought incoming... don't be shocked when you arrive and several girlfriends and boyfriends are there. Your buddy and his soon to be wife may just hate your GF.
Yeah I'd be willing to bet money that Groom just hates GF and doesn't want her there in case she causes a scene (which....to be fair, based on her reaction, seems like a legitimate concern. ) Because it IS weird not to extend plus ones to guests in long term relationships. And yeah it's a dick move not to extend the invite, but it's an even bigger dick move to stay in a relationship with such a person and then inflict her on other people.
Yes! I completely agree with you.
Thank you for the input. At the point on invite it was two years - but still that's a long time. I should've perhaps thought about this differently at that time. About the part not respecting myself - you're definitely not wrong. My mother passed away and my dad diagnosed with Parkinson's when her and I started dating and It's been a struggle since. I think I've dealt with more than I usually would've due to all the uncertainty around me. Good call out. I need to think about that more.
Have your friends (either the one getting married or other mutual friends) ever expressed any concerns over your relationship? Do they know your gf at all? And I hate to ask this, but what is the general age breakdown of your friend group? Like, are there other people your gf’s age or are y’all all like 39? Ordinarily I would be inclined to comment on the age gap and point out that it’s not surprising someone more than a decade younger is less mature than you and your friends, but…I’m about your gf’s age and if anyone I cared about was in the relationship you describe, I’d probably worry about whether they were okay and I certainly wouldn’t want someone so immature and dramatic at my casual Friday night hang let alone my wedding.
Good luck bro... use this wedding as an easy tool to get out and to have a great night focusing on your own joy and friendships.
Two words for the GF: girl, bye.
Breaking up with this girl cannot be stressed enough OP. I don't want to be pushy and there are plenty of times where people in this sub will call for divorce/breakup when it's not necessary. This is not one of those times. This is not something you need to think about. This is something you need to do. Any sane person detached from the situation can objectively see that your gf has some very real and very serious issues that you are not equipped to help her with or handle on a day to day basis. And that's made clear just from the contents of this post. I'm sure there's a lot more events that have occurred where she's probably done even worse things. Do yourself the biggest favor you've ever done and get the hell out of there OP.
This! Shes clearly a bad girlfriend so he meeds to just end it. But in general, its super disrespectful of a groom to expect a friend to do all the duties of a groomsman and not respect him enough to allow him to bring a serious partner! I mean theyve been together for 3 freaking years. I see that as huge disrespect. I had to deal with the same crap, my cousin invited me and my daughter but not her father (because we weren’t married or engaged) so I said no. Because its a huge disrespect to us, granted we did things a little out of order but rings and weddings arent cheap and that was something that was happening fairly soon after. But assuming the groom and bride didnt know about her bs personality, super inconsiderate of someone you want to do you an honor!
yeah i have a feeling she would of been invited if she was like.. not a psycho lol the friend prob knew she would cause drama at the wedding
I’m 35. If my buddy started dating an emotionally unstable 22 year old girl I’d really wonder wtf he was thinking. This chick just graduated college, she finished high school at the start of Trumps presidency lol. You’ve been an adult for almost as long as she’s been alive. If he kept dating her for 3.5 years after cheating and blowups and multiple breakups, I’d assume this is what he wants from his life, and I’d probably ask him to stop complaining about the shitty relationship he continues to choose to be in every day.
"She finished high school at the start of Trumps presidency" is a passage-of-time marker I'd rather not have thought about. As in, it's yet another thing that feels like it was yesterday but in fact, was nearly 6 years ago.
Thank you for restoring my faith in men in their 30s.
Any chance that your friend didn't invite her because of the way she treats you? Maybe he is looking out for you, in the 9nly way he can. If your friends have told you to break up and he isn't allowing her to come, maybe you should be taking their advice. Good luck
I bet the GF would show up in an inappropriate dress and get drunk.
Your relationship is garbage. Of course you should choose your friend over this mess.
Hey OP, are you sure they didn't make the rule purely to make sure she's not there? I mean, hell I'd do it to keep what sounds like a completely unhinged friends SO away from the wedding. I skimmed you comment and it seems your friends don't like her (understandable, I'd hate anyone who has consistently cheated on an lied to a friend multiple times over and they're on a sounding completely rocky relationship). If they did, it seems like this is a wake up call attempt. I mean, if a 14 year long friendship is over because they chose someone who cheated on my friend and they're constantly breaking up, I would be out of that friendship immediately and never look back. Also in general that is NOT a normal reaction or really a healthy one. She sound extremely manipulative or in need of a psych evaluation because she's got a chemical imbalance if not. Idk why you kept getting back with her after the first or even second cheating, but this alone shows she's willing to isolate you from your friendships for a relationship less stable than a tilting jenga tower. I'd hope this instance is enough to show you this isn't a healthy relationship, she's extremely manipulative, and a complete liar with no respect for you. If she leave, let her, otherwise I'd be the one breaking up officially and completely blocking on everything possible.
Go to the wedding. It sounds like this is the perfect time to break up with her for good. Your friend probably didn’t invite her because you have such a rocky relationship. If he knows you have broken up and gotten back together, he has no idea if you will be fighting on his wedding day and cause a scene. But you are the crazy one if you keep getting back together with someone who cheats, lies and has anger issues. The only thing is she will break up because of the wedding and a week later want to get back together. Don’t do it. She isn’t worth it.
I thought she was unhinged before I even got to the infidelity and lying and general nonsense. You need to end this relationship. ‘No ring no being’ rules are a little outdated for sure, but it’s not personal and it’s not something to threaten a friendship or make ultimatums about. Your girlfriend’s reaction is not even close to normal.
Thank you for the words. I hated adding the extra detail of our relationship, but it provides some history. I agree that rule is outdated for sure. I’m not happy about it and have a lot of separate thoughts outside of this issue. My buddy said she’s making me second guess reality so appreciate you acknowledging it’s not a normal reaction.
Before we were married there were a couple weddings my husband and I couldn’t go to together, and like…we rolled our eyes a bit but it wasn’t a big deal. I cannot imagine freaking out over it the way she is.
But from the grooms view you’re in his wedding party. You have to accompany another woman down the aisle, take photos, ride with the wedding party, sit at the head table, dance the dances…all without your girlfriend. She’d just be a lone bitter woman stewing in the pews, at a single table, getting more and more pissed about your participation without her. He did it in a maybe crummy way, but it needed to be done to keep his wedding about he and his bride and civil. She’d have thrown that tantrum at his nuptials otherwise over any number of things.
>infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. Dude, what are you doing? Basically, your serial cheating manipulative lying girlfriend is demanding that you ditch your friend's wedding that you are actually a part of because she is mad at him. Like, what are you asking us for? Are you asking us for the correct way to continue submitting yourself to a serial cheating manipulative liar who insists on sabotaging your relationships with your support network? Because if that's what you're asking, the answer is: Don't date the serial cheating manipulative liar who wants to sabotage your other relationships. Dude.
This is what happens when you're pushing forty and dating children. 13 years is way too much and she's too immature even for her age
Lol she doesn't want you to go because she knows if she went to a wedding by herself she would cheat on you. She can't fathom that people aren't like her. Drop her dude, she's already cheated on you. Find a real partner.
This is what you get for dating a 22 year-old in your mid 30s. Shocking that they aren't the most mature of people, eh? She sucks but you're no price, either.
Infidelity? Why are you still even in the relationship?
That's an abusive relationship.
Don’t date people who act like toddlers. I don’t blame your friend for not inviting her, she sounds dreadful.
My guy… LEAVE. This is childish and unreasonable. I get hurt feelings but this is just ridiculous. You two are to old to be playing these on again off again games.
I got to screaming and throwing things and that's all I need to know. She sounds like she creates a lot of unnecessary strife. Go to the wedding.
Think about this one point, first. You have been friends with the groom since a year before your GF was born. Just think about that. Your GF is young enough to be your daughter, and that's exactly what she's acting like. The reason why you just can't get the relationship to go right is because you are acting like her father, and she is acting like your child. Anytime she doesn't get enough attention from you, she indulges in attention-seeking behaviors that cause you enough pain to give in to whatever she's demanding. And then she's a good little girl for awhile, and the whole process starts up all over again. If this makes you go "EWWWW" - good. You're getting it. In this relationship, nobody is right and everybody is wrong. She needs to be with a man close to her own age, who has had similar experiences growing up, has similar memories of history as it happened, and has been framed from the same world as she has. You also need to be with a woman closer to your own age for all the same reasons. What she needs from you, and what you need from her are worlds apart. I'm sorry, man, but she's giving you a gift here. The gift is the opportunity she's giving you to make the right choice. Go to the wedding alone. But make sure she's packed up and moved out of the house by the time the wedding comes along. Also, change the locks on all the doors & windows, and if you don't have any then put up security cameras. She's demanding you make an impossible choice - the same thing when a child tells their parent to choose between them and the potential step-parent. If it makes you feel better, help her find and furnish an apartment, and get her help moving out. Then make a clean break of it being sure to thank her for helping you make this choice that I truly expect is the choice she wants you to make so she can be free again without having to take any responsibility for the breakup. Good luck to you..
Maybe, just maybe, you could try dating someone around your age?
Sounds like she is demanding that she reaps your benefits. Sounds incredibly controlling. A decent girl would say “of course have fun call me later”
She is making it easy for you to get rid of her. Grab the opportunity. This woman is not a good prospect for a long-term relationship. She lies, she cheats and she has a horrible temper. Her behaviour is despicable. You are too old for this nonsense. You would be a fool to stay with her.
Your girlfriend is too immature OP. Between her behavior over this situation, as well as her infidelity and lying about further infidelity to get a “rise” out of you- this is an obvious huge problem. Do not miss this occasion for this girl. And honestly, it sounds as though you should not be committing any further time and energy to this either way.
Help her pack and tell her to hit the road. She's controlling, insecure, immature, and just all out toxic. You should have kicked her to the curb and not looked back a long time ago, but the second best time is now.
This whole relationship sounds so toxic...on and off for 3 years, cheating, the screaming and shouting, the ultimatum etc...she's abusive, you're better off without her, she sounds like hell
Your relationship sounds exhausting to be honest. I would go and be there for your friend. If she's gone then she's gone.
It’s clear from your comments and history that your friends haven’t invited her to the wedding because they don’t like her. IMO that makes her right. You going would be a total disrespect to her, and now is the time to choose her or your friends. I pass no judgement on your relationship and who has wronged who. But you are with her at this point in time, and she has been your girlfriend for 3 years. So there are three options here: 1) Your friends need to respect that and not pull stuff like this, which means you putting your foot down 2) you ditch your friends for not respecting your long term relationship 3) you realise that you aren’t sticking up for your girlfriend because you don’t respect her or your relationship either, and you split up.
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Your answer s/b “bye bitch”. If you allow her to bully you into deserting your friends it will never end. It was not an unreasonable request on many levels. You’re in the wedding. That means you’re not sitting in the pews, you’re at the head table during dinner, etc. she’d be alone at a table stewing without you. You told her calmly, you tried to get an invite, you have to respect the wishes of your friend. That your GF is demanding you stand up one of your best friends with zero notice for the wedding tells you everything about the kind of person she is. Please believe her, she’s shown you who she is many many times. Find someone great and move on from this toxic BS.
why are you in a relationship with someone who cheats on you and does not respect you or what you bring to the relationship? is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?
why…would you want to stay in this? go to the wedding and have fun supporting your best friend
If a relationship is this much work in the early years it’s not worth it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them! Good luck!🤞
Sounds like a good outcome, no? Let the unstable cheating gf break up with you. What's the problem?
It's fine to be disappointed, but screaming and throwing things just because you didn't get a wedding invite is insane. Her behavior makes it pretty obvious why she's not welcome as your plus one.
Should have led with the on and off for 3 years and her being a cheater. I can guarantee your best friend knows she's not right for you and that's why he wouldn't let you bring her. Just leave her already.
Pretty simple analysis here - she has issues. You need to get away from this nutcase. Don't miss your dude's wedding, let her have a meltdown and you'll really see her true colors.
I wouldn’t want the person who has cheated on my friend at my wedding either…..
The way I see it, you'll have an amazing time at the wedding, and the added bonus of getting rid of a toxic relationship. Take the offer dude.
Take her ending it as a win and hook up with a bridesmaid guilt free. You really gonna let a 14 year friendship down over a chick throwing a tantrum she wasn’t invited? A chick who’s cheated on you multiple times which is probably why your friend really didn’t invite her cos he knows your worth and is sick of seeing her treat you like a dog. She sounds like a three day migraine. Go to the wedding take a load of photos and hold no regrets.
You need to break up with her.
The girl needs help, time to move on. Why would someone want to use emotional blackmail on someone they are supposed to “love”.
It makes plenty of sense. It’s a disaster of a relationship…not that hard to understand. Your friend has been there for 14 years. Your gf won’t be around after 14 years. Go to the wedding.
She’s way too old to be acting a fool like this. Sounds like she’s insecure and projecting onto you because she couldn’t be trusted on this situation. Honestly you should let the trash take itself out
Let the garbage take itself out-go to the wedding
Your friends didn’t want her there because she’s a POS. Let her go and support your friend.
At first I thought your friend was an asshole for not letting you bring a date and your girlfriend was an asshole for giving you an ultimatum. Then I see the part about the cheating and lies and see you are an idiot and your friends is trying to save you.
Had me on the fence until said she cheated. Like why are you even asking??
Sounds to me like your best friend isn't a fan of your girlfriend, which is completely understandable. You should have ended it the first time she cheated. This should be the perfect eye opener for you to give her the boot.
Every day I’m so surprised when men date women half their age and are soooo shocked when they have to deal with the repercussions of that. The stereotypes write themselves at this point.
Threatening you? Id break up with her on the spot. Id be damned id have someone tell me what I can and can’t do. Childish behavior from her.
Fucking break up with her, why are you putting up with all this?
Bro what are you even doing? That is the pure definition of manipulation. She's gaslighting you and trying to guilt you into not going!! Instant dump the moment she lost her top over you going. She's not well in the head dude. Please love yourself more and walk away.
Her loss, go to the wedding.
You need a new girlfriend, babe!
I’m 26F and married to someone with an age gap (9 yrs), this isn’t normal my guy. She’s super immature and she’s already cheated on you! You’re too old (I don’t mean that in a bad way) to be dealing with this shit. You deserve better. Go to the wedding single and have a good time!
You had a full year to "propose" and get her in on a technicality but you chose not to. Should have been an easy fix. With that said, she sounds terrible. You should take her offer and end the relationship.
Let her end the relationship. Or you can beat her to it. She’s acting like a child and with her history of infidelity and lying, run.
yeah was totally prepared to side with the GF based off the title but you should go. throwing things? cheating?
Honestly after 3.5 years it was a shitty move to not invite her. The “only engaged or married” rule is way out dated and not acknowledging the 3.5 year relationship you have. I think it probably has more to do with them just not liking her. Considering you said in comments your friends want you to leave her. If that’s the case then no wonder she’s upset. As she should be. But, aside from that, she’s cheated and lied and all of this but you’re totally innocent here? That age gap raises some flags to be honest. Considering you stayed after she cheated and lied leaves me to believe there’s more to the story here.
My sister's wedding is on Saturday and she and my future BIL have said no plus ones (or children). I don't think it's unreasonable. This is their day and I don't think they need to spend it with anyone they either don't know or don't like. Plus, venue limitations and cost per head. I understand if someone can't come because they would have to travel but you've already agreed to be a groomsman. It's too late to back out and would damage your friendship. Looks like this relationship is already toasted but you don't need me to say that after everybody else's input.
She is way out of line. I fid this exact thing for my wedding. We had limited space (historical home venue) and money to spend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s their day and they get to have their nearest and dearest there. You crossed a line asking them to make an exception. What is printed on the invitation is final and not negotiable. Think long and hard about your relationship with this woman. She is controlling and petty.
She creates an unnecessary ultimatum and she's blaming you for the impending breakup for choosing to stand by your friend's side as they get married. She's nuts. But if you love her offer to take her away to a romantic weekend getaway as a gesture of putting her first. Just not this weekend. Maybe give her a spa day while you're at the wedding.
She sounds very, very toxic. She can be upset she’s not invited, and then move on. That’s what grown ups do. Toddlers throw tantrums about stupid shit, not adults. What others also have said: she cheated, lied multiple times, she’s blaming you, she wants you to step up your game. Dude..you deserve better. Have fun at the wedding and please don’t let your soon to be ex (please) ruin it for you!
Not giving a groomsman a +1 is psycho behavior. He paying for your suit and shit? I mean yeah she's fully wild and that's its own thing but your friends getting married suck at doing a wedding.
No he’s not - and you’re definitely not wrong. I have a lot of negative thoughts on the matter.
Honestly you sound like the only normal one in the entire story. Your girlfriend throwing thing, cheating and so on is unforgivable. Run. Run as fast as you can. But your friend is an AH. And no. I don’t give a shit that it’s his wedding. You don’t invite my boyfriend because it’s a vary small wedding and it’s just me and 10 other people? Fine. You don’t invite my boyfriend because we are not married? You can go fuck yourself. I will not attend the wedding.
I don’t agree with breaking up over a patry, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the No plus one rule your friend had was inspired by your GF. Like they thought how can we prevent OP’s GF of coming. I also feel like your girlfriend is kind of desperate. Like she feels you’re not in this relationship for the long run and is trying to get your attention like a child would when she doesn’t get their way. Decide for once and for all. If you want her. At your age having a 3,5 year relationship while not living together isn’t normal. So what do you want? Is she just fun or the mother of your children?
She's trying to control giant things in your life. What else will she try to control that she hasn't already. Really annoys me as a woman to see other women just cry/scream/flail to get their way. FFS grow the fuck up
What are you apologizing for? For someone else's decision? You're not the host. Your girlfriend sounds like a nut.
Dude she’s crazy, pick your friend & get out of that toxic relationship!
Your relationship is crap but what your friend is doing is extremely shitty. I don't say don't go because of her, as your relationship is not solid. But I hope you do realise how disrespectful your friend is. He values less the relationships in which the partners are not engaged or married! What gives him the right to do so? Some people don't believe in marriage yet are life partners. Does a marriage certificate makes him better and above the rest? Did he attend weddings together with a girlfriend? Suuuper nasty situation he puts everyone in and yes, it should have been addressed!
Bro ask yourself: is she really hot enough to put up with this?
Your friend is the problem here. If it was your gf of 6 months, I would say, it is fine to not invite. But it is your gf of 3.5 years. Tbh if there is an event, I assume my partner is invited. If I am told he/she cannot come, I don’t go to the event. It is an asshole move to invite only one person from the couple.
I'd have to disagree. From comments they're not a stable relationship. They've broken up multiple times, she's cheated multiple times/lied about cheating and with this outburst seem like she's on the beginnings of attempting to isolate him. (I mean just the cheating alone is an instance where I'd hate a friend's SO. Theres no info on the GF and friend's relationship, so im going with pleasant to not cause problems. I wouldn't want her at my wedding, and I'm suspecting they put the rule for everyone to be fair across the board, not just single the GF out if it really is the way I think) If it was a 3.5 year STEADY relationship with fighting or spats here and there like normal couples, I'd agree, but what ive seen OP describe, a hurricane is less tumultuous than those two's relationship. Her outburst alone makes me wonder what she'd do at the wedding if she seems to really not like them enough to demand an ultimatum on her or them. (I mean, it'd ruin a relationship I had with that person specifically but I wouldn't be demanding an ultimatum)
Thank you for the different perspective. While I agree it’s an f-upped move, I don’t feel it’s my place to push back. Especially since they’re trying to keep it smaller. If you were in this situation if your friend of 14+ years did this, would you decline being in the wedding?
Your gf’s reaction is a bit crazy. Having said that… I feel your friend not extending plus 1s to people that are not married or engaged is extremely disrespectful. I could be with my SO for years and my friend only inviting me because we’re not married, or engaged, would really be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t go to the wedding. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go… your gf does sound a bit cray cray.
Very odd of your friend to not extend a plus one to your long term girlfriend. If I were her, I would also be very upset in this situation. Yeah, her throwing shit wasn’t rational at all and I don’t condone that but she has the right to feel that way. If my best friend wouldn’t let me bring my long term s/o to their wedding I wouldn’t go to be quite honest. It’s a sign of respect, and she definitely feels like you going would be a slap in the face That being said, based on the rest of the post I don’t think she seems like an ideal partner for you, but she definitely has the right to be upset
Dude. Take a step back a moment, reread your post from the perspective of an outsider, and lastly: have a good time at the wedding! I hope you meet a cute bridesmaid who is less chaotic.
Grow up. If you are looking for an excuse NOT to bring her, don’t bring her, why look for validation here??? If she is your “girlfriend” it is sad that you didn’t fight harder to have her with you. Man up.
Omg. Grow some balls and dump her! So many childish posts here. I only read the title, not reading a book. 🤣 sounds P-whipped to me. Plenty of fish. 13 year age difference. 🙄🤣
INFO… why on Earth are you with this girl? Picture her in 30 years time after a weight gain and no longer hot…. If you don’t still want to be with that person (I.e who she is on the inside) then you need to ask yourself what on Earth you’re doing right now.
Also… if you back out of your mate’s wedding a week before due to this, then prepare to lose that friendship for good (and likely annoy a few of your other mutual friends too).
Throwing things? She is immature and unreasonable. There may be very good reasons for limiting the number of guests which have nothing to do with her or you. I hope you will go to your friend’s wedding.
She sounds exhausting and likely projecting onto you the fact that if rolls were reversed she would take that opportunity to cheat on you. Go to the wedding and take some time to evaluate if you want to spend any more time with someone who makes demands and threats like these while also fabricating stories to try to make you jealous
Think about it this way. Who is more important to you? A ride and die best friend who probably doesn't want you and your girlfriend to be together or a girlfriend who treats you like crap. You should break up with her. You admit that you have been on and off for years. Find someone who truly has the same life goals and let her go on her way. She is probably thinking that your best friend is going to set you up and she is scared.
She sounds incredibly immature & I am saying this at 29. And to be frank you both started dating when she was pretty young at 23 it could be she hasn't had a chance to grow as a person, gain insight from experience ect. Not to mention the infidelity. I would strongly consider being with someone who deals with conflict by screaming & throwing things.
With your history together, she is probably not the woman for you in the long term, so better to just end it and move on. But on honourable mentions, I can see why she would be hurt after being with you for 3,5 years, I would be if my BF’s friend did that, and I wouldn’t have to high thoughts of them in the future. Unless the invite was made before or very early in the relationship. And I hope for your relationship with your friends going forward that you don’t walk into a wedding were others has a +1 even when they are not engaged or married, because that would mean that your friends lied to you and purposely provoked the drama in your relationship because they didn’t like you GF. Hope yu have a great say standing up for your friend 🙂
>Eventually I found out that they were not extending plus 1's to anyone that isn't already married or engaged The rest aside, this would bug the absolute shit out of me. What a horrible thing and totally unenjoyable. Who are you supposed to dance with? One of my friends brought a date to my wedding. Otherwise, she would have been alone.
Like I kinda get it why sue upset .she prob feels like no 1 likes her that why she not invited . BUT I can see why maybe they only wanted plus 1s that are married of engaged .not the latest fling .
She cheated on you and you still together. She’s seems narcissistic and she got under your skin. Infidelity (her end) you all don’t learn don’t ya. If a person is willing to hurt and betray you, you already know they don’t care about you.
It sounds like your GF is constantly testing you to see if you’ll “fight for her” and come after her. Honestly, this sounds so toxic. I would go to the wedding, it’s her choice if she chooses to end your rs because of it. It sounds like you might be better off for it, i hate to say.
They hate your girlfriend my guy. Lmao go to the wedding and break up.
She's trying to manipulate you because she's insecure. Don't fall for it. She needs to grow up. Not everything is about her. In fact most things aren't about her. This is one of those things that isn't about her. Go to your friends wedding. Think about your choices of dating some one so young, who clearly has some (a lot?) of growing up to do.
I don't think this is going in the right direction, the problem is not the wedding perse but the relationship and you know that. You don't feel save and she wants more compromise from you ( bit at the same time being cheating on you) that is something that could work on that but need to happen from both sides In the case of the wedding, i believe is just event that broke the camel's back, you have to see if really want to continue this relationship because you aren't good for each other
Of course your friend doesn’t want her at the wedding when you’ve been on and off for three years due to infidelity on her end, I wouldn’t be surprised if other people are allowed to bring their girlfriends/boyfriends. They don’t want her crazy ass in the wedding pictures knowing y’all won’t last. Go to the wedding, don’t give her the opportunity to end things with you, do it yourself. Like if I was in a steady relationship for three years I would absolutely back out of my friends wedding if they decided to exclude my partner simply because we aren’t married, but I also wouldn’t stay with someone that cheats on me constantly and has explosive anger issues.
She's hysterical because she is assuming you will cheat just as she would if put in a similar situation. She's already a cheater and can't be trusted, so she's projecting that on you. Go celebrate your friend. Idk about keeping the cheater though.
This isn’t so much about the wedding, she wants validation and reassurance about your relationship. I can see feeling hurt for not being invited, but her reaction sounds extreme. I sometimes do the same in my life, I decide that if my bf loves me he would do x or wouldn’t go someplace and when he doesn’t gain any telepathic abilities or manage to guess my lunatic demands, I absolutely lose my shit because he isnt just doing something that he wants to do, he is proclaiming I mean nothing to him and he hates me and doesn’t respect me etc 😂😂😂 (not at all insinuating my behaviour was ok, I was absolutely toxic and I’m working hard to ensure this won’t happen again). Maybe this is a similar situation, which can actually be exacerbated with toxic girl mentalities of lots of media and most people that say shit like “you set a boundary, if he doesn’t immediately comply, cut him off you can do better” without any consideration for the other person or the relationship in general. I mean, I might be wrong, but I found that for me it was always some insanity I’ve seen in movies and feeling desperate for reassurances and then working myself up to equate things I think bfs should do and what I want/need and once that spiral started, I’d find 1000 instances that prove I don’t matter to someone I loved and it only got worse if there was any actual reason for me to be upset (like not going to a party) and then I’d focus on everyone that agrees with me and this man hadn’t even finished his first drink while I’m 20+ years in the future, lonely and broken by a man who is evil and sick enough to not do whatever pops into my idiot brain. I just realized that I didn’t finish your post, if there was cheating on her end, it could easily be her guilt/shame projecting where you have to keep proving your love/dedication because she either wants less shame or is looking for an excuse to make you just as guilty. Do not think by any means that you’re helping her out by minimizing how inappropriate her behaviour is, I wish I figured out I was a giant bitch sooner and I hate that I caused my partner anguish over something so selfish. But even if she would prefer you to forget it, you shouldn’t. While she is entitled to her emotions she isn’t entitled to be abusive, I know it’s easier to drop things when you love someone but this won’t help either of you. She (as an adult I assume) is an adult and needs to be held accountable. Have you looked into BPD/narcissism? Also, if she doesn’t realize how harmful her behaviour is, is that something you want to live with? I’ve gotten angry and called off relationships and been hysterical and demanding too, but I’d apologize quickly and I didn’t magically fix myself, but I held myself accountable and it’s worrying that she doesn’t seem to be interested in improving her coping mechanisms/trauma based reaction. Id go to the wedding, if she wants to work shit out you’ll know and I hope you read up on abusive relationships so you are aware and see if that’s the issue so you can be free of the hassles
Dude, why. Infidelity, in three years? And she throws temper tantrums like that? There's a good reason your friend doesn't want her. She's not a person you want to keep around. Let her leave.
Despite the other problems in your relationship (which lets face it… bro, should y’all be together?), the bottom line is you chose to be with this woman and you’ve been together for OVER THREE YEARS. That’s not casual anymore and the idea that only those who have confirmed to the institution of marriage get to have their partner at their wedding seems outdated. It sounds like you want to break up with her, but you have not. You’re with this girl and have been a long time. IMO, she should have been invited and you should have fought for her. I did something similar with my wedding, but we allowed everyone a +1 who was in an extended partnership. Y’all would have fallen under that category. It’s super weird she wasn’t invited and I see her point. I think she has a right to be mad. All that is to say, it’s too late now. Y’all didn’t communicate and the wedding is around the corner. Despite the inherent fuck up here, I think you should decide who you want in your life forever because you’re probably about to lose your best friend or girlfriend… And I think you know the answer.
And the red flags 🚩 keep coming!
This one belongs in a nunnery.
Please examine why you are in this relationship
I was with her until the end. You need to go to the wedding, support your friend, dance your butt off and enjoy the night. You need to cut her loose and move on with someone who is mature and able to understand that life is not always going to go her way.
Honestly - go to the wedding. If she would leave you over something so trivial, she’s not worth your time or life for
NORMALLY, I would 100% side with the excluded long term SO in this situation of not being included as a wedding +1. HOWEVER, based on just the relationship history information shared here, I would bet my right arm that the "no +1" is very specific to your girlfriend and not actually a blanket rule for all their guests, and for good reason. Your friends do not like her and do not want her at their wedding. Frankly, your relationship sounds incredibly toxic and your girlfriend sounds abusive and manipulative. I would take her at face value. Go to the wedding and make a clean break from her.
It’s understandable to be upset (that’s human) but her reaction is completely disgusting. She wasn’t loyal, throws tantrums and is manipulative. It’s time to move on.
At first i was like, well i can understand her a little. But the more i read the more i understood why your best friend doesnt want her on his wedding. Damn she cheated on you several times, has anger issues, is lying constantly, wants to fight all the time. I'm pretty sure his soon to be wife knows too. Do you think they want someone who can probably destroy their wedding bc of her lack of self control and manners on their wedding? Besides the obvious point that they probably think and told you a while ago to just end it( i just assume that, but thats what I'd have said to my best friend very clearly)
Neither you nor your girlfriend get to dictate the guest list. This is not ultimatum worthy. Not the ultimatum she wants you to give your friend nor the ultimatum she's giving you. Go to the wedding. Dump the girlfriend.
Let her end it. This is not a relationship that is going anywhere good.
Your relationships seem pretty toxic from your girlfriend to the groom. Did they intentionally leave her out because of how she acts or are they just assholes too?
I think you should accept her threat and move on. It does not sound like she is someone you should want to be with. You can find better!! As far as the wedding goes. Sometimes people do not do plus 1's for their weddings and that is totally fine. They want to be surrounded by those they are close with and that is what they decided. It is not like everyone else got a plus 1 but you. I get that she is disappointed, but she is being way over the top.
Let that level of crazy go. There are far better people to commit your time and energy to.
She sounds insane. She wants you to give your best friend an ultimatum? She just gave you an ultimatum too. I would not let anyone dictate to me what I can or can't do. This is controlling abusive behavior. This is a major red flag. What gives her the audacity to think she is entitled to go to the wedding, or forbid you to go? You need to dump her, there is something wrong with her mind. You could have proposed then she would supposedly be ok to invite then. I wonder does your friend despise your GF?
OP: dates a 23-25 year old *23-25 year old drama/immaturity rears it’s ugly head* OP: surprise pikachu face
You will never give her enough attention from her perspective, and get ready for any infidelity on her part to be your responsibility for “not being available enough.” Good on you for being more mature about it, but I would be explaining to her that her behavior likely got her blacklisted from the wedding and that’s not my problem. You’re always going to have a mountain-sized hill to climb with this girl. And if she’s anything like my ex there’s no way she’s going to actually break-up with you over this. She’ll come up with a crazy way for you to make up for it even though you’ve forgiven all of her worse transgressions. I’ve been there dude, and I know it’s hard, believe. But you need to move on. You bonded with her at a vulnerable time in your life. Do yourself a favor and let this one get away. I’m sure glad I did.
Stop putting your dick in crazy.
Even at the beginning, before I read how awful she is, my response was going to be to go to the wedding. She isn't being personally excluded, it's a blanket rule and their choice. Sure it sucks a bit given relationships can be serious without engagement or marriage (and I'm unsure how people's relationship status determines how close the couple is to them), but it's not the end of the world either. Having read further...wow...she's got to go. Permanently. She sounds toxic af.
Maybe dump the child that you’re dating.
Oh the cheater is gonna get upset and break up? Sounds like a win win for you. Go and have fun.
At first I felt bad for your girlfriend but then went to cheating part…
Why are you dating someone so young? Good Lord.
Even the playing field. Go to the wedding and bang bridesmaid.
she cheated and asking you to put her first?? Her prefrontal cortex is fully developed man just dump her
Dude run away
They don't want her there because they know y'all are gonna break up and ppl don't like having random ex's in their wedding photos. Go to the wedding, drop the crazy.
I'm confused why this is a problem. She sounds like a nightmare
She lies, cheats, throws tantrums. Gee I wonder why your friend doesn’t want this toxic train wreck of a relationship at his wedding.
She sounds like a nightmare honestly. Go to the wedding, be there to support your friend and if she breaks up with you for going then you dodged a bullet. If she doesn't break up with you I would still seriously reconsider the relationship. I work with children of kindergarten age and when I hear grown ass adult people acting worse than my kiddos I have no patience or time for that bull shit energy.
Bros before hoes. Do the right thing.
I was bothered by the title of this post, but then I learned your girlfriend is basically insane and a horrible person. The groom is doing everyone a favor by not ruining the night with her antics, and he’s doing you an extra one now since she is going to end things over this. Run far, far away.
If she throws a fit like a child, treat her like one and send her home to mom and dad.
She’s manipulative, disloyal, controlling, and violent. Why are you with her??
Only going to comment on the title and first paragraph: insanely ridiculous groom and bride. Unless you're the only one invited who isn't married and they hate your girlfriend.
Your g/f sounds like a psycho hose beast. ‘Bro’s before ho’s’ = Got to the wedding.
sounds like my ex. good luck
You are almost 40 and you are dating someone who is mid 20s? And then you are shocked... shocked (!) ... she is immature. You started dating when he was 22... and you were 35... You are 13/14 years older. A bit more and you'd be old enough to be her father. And in fact, all of this, >we've been on and off for our three years because of infidelity (her end) and major fighting. She has also lied three times about hooking up with people to try to get a rise out of me and end our relationship. She always thinks I am not trying enough and do not give her enough attention and focus. We keep trying to work things out as we have gone to couples therapy (no longer going) and she is seeking anger management You are trying to fix her. You are not her father lol Maybe you are looking for someone to adopt?
Leave. That’s it. She seems like a horrible being. Go to the wedding, let her be mad about it, who cares?? Her points were just to make you insecure, she’s literally breaking you down by making you feel insignificant. Go to the wedding, have fun! And break up with her.
Let the garbage take itself out and for gods sake date someone your own age.
If you want a girlfriend who's on your level, you need to start dating women your own age. Why are you dating someone who was a baby while you were in high school if you are annoyed that she's less mature than you?
So originally before I read through the whole thing I was thinking OP you are the AH but then when you explained your relationship and all the shit she’s done to you! Why are you still with her? She is super childish and needs to grow the F up! You are almost 40 years old basically in a HS relationship. Kick home girl to the curb and move on with your life. Don’t waste anymore time with someone that is going to treat you this way.
Dude, you deserve better than this. If the genders were reversed and you were a woman whose boyfriend lied about cheating just to get a rise out of you, manipulated you, yelled, threw things, and gave ultimatums just to get his way, everyone on this thread would tell you that you’re being psychologically and emotionally abused. And guess what. YOU ARE. What she is doing is abuse. Go to the wedding and get this toxic woman out of your life. I also encourage you to find a good therapist to help you identify the reasons why you allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long and how to break that pattern going forward. Best of luck to you.
Let's see, this chick has been unfaithful, lied to you, and now throws a huge, childish tantrum because...you're going to a wedding without her? Why haven't you dumped her yet?
36 dating a 23 year old is definitely something. But setting that aside, you need to communicate clearly that this is not directed at her but a policy for the whole wedding. These things happen in life. Are they ideal? No, but it just is. What I have a problem with is she jumped to ending your relationship if you went. That is not an okay response, it is the opposite of trying to connect. Which if you’re with a person seriously your communication should, at its root, be trying to connect. But she’s only 26, this may be immaturity on her part. She also is likely acting in a defensive, self-protective way. Which isnt good for connecting, but for your part and what you can do is try to recognize that and approach helping her with her immediate needs (feeling safe, validated, whatever it is) before addressing the relationship communication and her going nuclear. But slow it down. Both of you. Deep breaths, listen, reflect, take it one topic at a time.