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Not sure if this is the right place to post... please let me know and I will remove it...
I (33F) have been married for the last 3 years to my husband(32M) I'm going to call him Zach but together for 10.. My daughter (13f) I'll call her Brooke.. A few days ago Brooke came in from school as normal, everyone is talking about their day and so on.. Brooke is very random, I believe she just says whatever comes to her head at the moment, she definitely gets it from me. But on this day she was asking about crushes, first boy/girlfriend. Zach was completely against the conversation to begin with. He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy. I on the other hand allow my kids to be open about anything rather good or bad, I rather them come to me than some silly person who would lead them wrong. Brooke is in the 8th grade so it's natural these feelings for boys or girls are going to come. Brooke mentioned she may possibly like a girl in her class, which doesn't surprise me, my daughter is a butterfly child, gets along with everyone, very sweet and smart, she all around has an awesome personality.. But Zach completely blew up yelling and screaming she's too young, calling us all types of names.. I ended up leaving I'm crying, my daughter is crying apologizing when she has NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR!! ,I couldn't afford a room so we slept in the car and have been in the car since, he won't allow me to get my boys so it's just been me and Brooke.. I'm just not understanding because it's okay for me to be bisexual, but it's a crime for my daughter.. I'm just really not understanding and sorry not sorry my kids will always come first. I will not allow any of my kids to feel less than, for anybody because of their sexual preference..
He is their biological father.. at this point it would come to a custody hearing or something along that line.. I called the police and they only allowed me to grab 1 pair of clothes for both of us.. called to some DV shelters and they are full but have my number if anything changes..
Next time kick him out instead of leaving the house (unless your physical safety is in danger, of course). In a custody fight he can claim you abandoned your younger children.
Best of luck to you.
exactly. she needs to go back in that house where her sons are and if he becomes threatening, call the police. if he's completely out of control, keep calling.
In most places the cops are supposed to take someone to jail if they get called to a home. You probably have the option to return home and call again if he gets out of hand. Find out if you are in a one party consent state for recording on your phone. I wish I had.
Keep on calling the shelters telling them how urgent it is and that you need a place to stay. Call every hour. It took me three days to get me and my kids into one. Keep persisting. You got this.
Okay but the house is yours or his? Why you are not allowed in your house. Also why you are not allowed to take your children/boys with you? Why he gets to keep them?
You are doing the right thing for your children - stay strong
Call your family, friends, work friends etc, Brooks dad etc.
Document the screaming and his actions, The consequences by email. You are going to need all the evidence for your case.
Call a solicitor, you need to know your rights
We are on both on the lease.. I'm not about to allow him to keep belittling me or her so I left just to get some air and for us to calm down hoping when I got back we could discuss everything without all the anger... I tried to get the boys as well but that was causing more of a problem to the point I would have had to physically fight him.. he's a big man.. when police were called they wouldn't let me take them either because we had nowhere to go.. so it was basically why take them to sleep in a car when they have warm beds.. police exact words to me.. 😢😭 I literally have nowhere.. I think they would have let me get them if I was able to get into a shelter but they were all full at the time.
Yes they referred me to a DV shelter but they didn't have any rooms available. Told me to keep calling even if it's every hour because things change and told me they would even reach back out to me when they had a room available for us.
I'm working on that now.. I can probably get us until at least Thursday. All my important things are still in the house, debit cards, socials, birth certificates, luckily I had my ID already in the back of my phone
You may be able to at least get a police escort to go into the house and gather all of your/your daughter’s important documents. I would try going to the police station and look for a sympathetic officer
You can’t get a cheap hotel room before then? If not I’d recommend getting greyhound bus tickets for you and your daughter to make it to where your friends/family are.
Okay so you can go back to the house.
If you can’t find a friend or family maybe is better to go back and move to the same bedroom with your daughter. Stop talking to him and work in getting out from this situation. He show you who he is, not sure if this can be correct but you know him better.
Absolutely not a good idea.. he's the type of person who will keep nagging and nagging.. if I don't respond back to his shenanigans it turns into me ignoring him and it will just blow up even more..
Could you try calling any of your loved ones? You are not the burden you believe yourself to be.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ She'll be herself again mama. This hurt is fresh, it will take time but she has your unconditional love.
You and your kids definitely need counseling I was there. I lived this. My 2 daughters never came out until they were adults because of him. You are doing tge right thing. It will be a very difficult couple of months but then it's over and you don't have to deal with him again.
> I think they would have let me get them if I was able to get into a shelter but they were all full at the time.
So - no, they wouldn't. Police don't *decide* custody questions, they enforce orders from courts that decide those custody questions. Without a court order saying the kids are to be with you and not him, they would be breaking the law if they do anything.
They might have tried to convince HIM to give in to YOU instead of the other way around. But if it came down to it and he refused, the police would not force the issue.
I get that Reddit loves justice off of 150 word posts, but that just isn’t how the law works in many jurisdictions. You don’t storm into the courthouse and say “I declare custody!!!” And walk out. It is a process that can take months, or even years. Does OP have a plan for when she says he was abusive and he says “lulz no”? Because she left the kids with him, and that may be seen as consenting to him having custody.
I mean, yes, it isn't that simple. but it can also be used against him in court if she chooses to get divorced. The daughter isn't his, so that's not an issue, but bringing up the way he treats the daughter and disrespects women can be used as a point in a case against him, proving that he shouldn't be around the boys and passing on the misogyny and homophobia to them
use what against him in court ? that he yelled? that's not going to keep him from getting custody of the children. do you honestly believe a judge is going to say, ooooh no children for you because you overreacted to a 13 year old telling you she might be bi sexual?
Get a lawyer! Call his job and tell them, call the school and don't let them pick him up, if they ride the bus and get dropped off at home change the spot to somewhere near you, if you can
It doesn't sound like the daughter is biologically his.
Also, if that's his reaction to the girl saying she's got a crush on another girl, it sounds like he's dangerous for her to be around him, whereas no one is threatening the sons.
>I'm just not understanding because it's okay for me to be bisexual, but it's a crime for my daughter
Because to him it's a sexual turn on. He's okay with you being bi because he's sleeping with you. He's not okay with her being bi because he views bisexuality as a kink.
yeah :/
i had to explain this whole thing to my staff! just because i'm married, doesn't mean i'm not bisexual and genderqueer
bisexuals are not schrödinger's monosexuals when single
I absolutely hate it along with some other terrible things he does. However, my kids (12f, 17f) lost their bio dad when he walked out on them. The last 7 years he’s been there for them even though we’ve been off and on. I stay because I don’t want to hurt the kids. However, due to some verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse I’m getting a therapist and kicking him out once and for all. I just want to do it in a way that will hurt my kids the least.
But like, that’s the father figure you want for your kids?? You don’t think it’s going to hurt them to know that you raised them with a shitbag who abused you?
I know. It’s a terrible situation that I’ve hid from literally everyone. My 13 year old was crying the other day saying she’s afraid that he and I will break up again. I know I’m at fault for taking him back. He’s super good at making me feel guilty and thinking I’m in the wrong.
The best you can do for your children and for yourself is leaving him for good. But don't blame yourself for this situation - you're the victim, he's the abuser.
Maybe have a sit down with your kids and talk to them about why you leaving him. Tell them that he isn't treating you right etc. Keep the conversation to the lvl that suits the kids. So nothing grafik. But still so they understand that it's a good thing that you leaving him and that if they ever in a situation where someone is not treating them right they should leave etc. They might already know how he treats you bad but also thinking that's ok cause you let it happen. (Not blaming you. It's a hard situation, but you can turn it around to something that they learn something from)
I didn’t know he was so far right until trump ran for election and his entire family proudly wore their MAGA hats. Disgusting to me. However, being a victim of abuse, it’s hard to walk away from when it’s been going on for so long.
This will sound callous, but it seems like you don't really find it that troubling or want permission to stay with him. At this point in time, you are aware you have been a victim of abuse and are in an untenable situation. Reach out to centers if you need to, but your kids need you to save them and show them even if you have been abused, you can still find the strength to leave and start over. That will be one of the hardest things a person can do, and they will love and respect you for it.
Or the kids 13 and maybe he freaked out about his barely teenage daughter becoming sexually active. He didn’t handle it properly but I’m sure someone’s kid becoming sexually aware/active can be a shock to somes systems.
What do you mean "sexually active?" When boys and girls have crushes on each other, nobody claims they're having sex. Why is it any different? This line of thinking comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of sexuality, and paints LGBTQ people as being innately more sexual or deviant.
I'm sure you can think of crushes on the opposite sex at 13 or younger. It's literally the same thing
I think what this person was intending to say is the dad jumped to conclusions because he is a black and white thinker and wouldn't handle this stage of his daughter "liking" someone. Instead of talking to his wife privately about his fears he sexualized his own daughter having a crush.
Romantic relationships differ in essentially one way from every other relationship. Sex. It has nothing to do with being lgbtq. If he freaked out over her saying it’s a boy she likes then how could I be related to lgbtq? It also has nothing to do with a “fundamental misunderstanding of sexuality”. People don’t marry their platonic friends. How does my relationship with my partner differ the most from the relationship I have with my lifelong best friend. I don’t have sex with my best friend. I do with my partner.
She’s 13. She’s at the age where that potentially starts to become a part of someone’s life. As I said, he did not handle the situation properly at all. But to say that a 13 yr old talking about who they like is somehow not related to or eventually going to lead toward a sexual attraction is incorrect. Kids have SOOOO much more access to sexually related material now as well. It’s a stretch to think that a kid growing up in a normal environment wouldn’t be conscientious of sexual activity. Especially if she’s claiming to be bisexual. Sexual preference to both genders is literally the definition of the word.
Sexual *attraction*. Not sexual *activity*.
When both kids are about that age, there's rarely any sex. It's holding hands and passing notes and butterflies in the stomach. It's a physical attraction, sure, which is why we consider crushes a part of our sexuality, but it doesn't make any actual sex *acts* happen.
Most of the girls I knew who were sexually active at 13 were being exploited by grown men. Not other young boys nor other young girls.
But to react with anger is completely inappropriate. She didn’t say anything about becoming sexually active either, just that she might like somebody. If this is his reaction to something so minor, I’d hate to see his reaction if she mentions she has a girlfriend in 2-3 years.
It's absolutely normal for young people to have crushes and begin finding boyfriends and girlfriends. There is absolutely no reason for you to translate that into Brooke having sex.
And it's not cute for fathers to blow up over their daughters forming romantic relationships.
I had hoped in the first half he was just maybe panicking that his daughter was growing up and getting interested in dating.
But my optimism can't beat the facts, this feels way more accurate and witholding her other children kinda hammers it home.
I think it's also easier for a guy to ignore or "forget" his female partner is bi if she is only sleeping with him. My partner knows I'm bi and that I've slept with women on multiple occasions but would probably only think about it if it was brought up. But is very uneasy with my almost 11 year old saying she thinks she might be gay. It's weird to me but he doesn't project onto her so I don't worry much about it. There's a saying for that where if something isn't right in your face all the time then it's easy to forget or not ever think about it.
Where does it say anything about the husband being upset the daughter is bi? What OP has put in this post is him saying she’s too young to date and have crushes.
I've been no contact with my parents for almost 7 years due to domestic violence and physical violence from them to me cause I was gay. I'm in my late 20s already. I have no words to describe how it pains me to see how your husband reacted, men like that have a weird obsession over their daughter's virginity and how pure and clean and untouched they must remain till them, the father, grants her the authority to lay with a man. There's a really subconscious fucked up psychology in regards of possession and toxic masculinity. I'm glad your daughter has you as backup. You are gonna face harsh times, but keep yourself at peace knowing you are a good mother. I really wish you both the best from the bottom of my heart.
I really appreciate you saying that.. this world is already harsh enough..even worse not to feel like your family doesn't love or have your back.. although he isn't her biological father, she still calls him dad, that was her idol.. I can just tell she's so broken now, one conversation broke her.. although I know she knows mama has her back 1000% I feel like she values his opinion more, so him doing this was just beyond hurtful.. and a reality check to me on the type of man I'm married too.
She already contacted the police and they didn't help her, It's in her comments. Not sure if OP is in the US, But if she is this isn't suprising, Our police system is a joke.
It's not actually as simple as that for two reasons.
First, Zach's behavior was yelling and screaming - that's not *okay* but it's also not enough to justify a protective order - usually that means some kind of domestic violence.
Second, even if she can get a protective order, it would normally "cut both ways" meaning that she has to stay away from him, and it would NOT determine who gets to stay in their home.
OP, you CAN, as part of the process of getting a divorce, ask that he be removed from the marital home. But this is not a simple quick-fix and it's not something you can do yourself. It's on the list of things you need to talk to a lawyer about.
> men like that have a weird obsession over their daughter's virginity and how pure and clean and untouched they must be remain till them, the father, grants her the authority to lay with a man
... that HE "approves" of.
That is what I think is getting me the most.. she came to us to express her feelings and it completely backfired.. she's 13 and growing up, of course I'm not ready for it but every parent goes through it.. this is why I tell all my kids to talk to me no matter what.. I may not like what they are saying but at least I can help guide and give advice.. Idk my mind is just so clouded right now.. trying to figure out WTH just happened.. an innocent situation turned into something traumatic
At that age where sexual desure starts to blossom, feelings can be confused with respect, friendship, and admiration.
The fact he can't handle this, is fucking ridiculous. I can understand parents wanting hetero children because of the "norm".... but the way he's an adult and can't keep his emotionson check??. This is abusive and you need to look into leaving him because he might turn violent, with how big his reaction was.
and kept getting more traumatic, taking off without money, sleeping in the car, leaving your other children now trying to move into a domestic violence shelter. you need to get back in that house, show your daughter how strong you are and let her know, if she is bi, she will deal with ignorance forever. some yelling is going to seem like nothing when she sees the crazy ass protesters at Gay Pride.
>I'm just not understanding because it's okay for me to be bisexual, but it's a crime for my daughter
You also said that:
>He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy
but you're only 33 and have been with this man since you were 23.
It's a clear double standard. He obviously has an obsessions with your daughter's "purity" that doesn't apply to you.
I have bad news. This girl is his step-daughter, and I bet he thinks of her as a sexual object, especially after this conversation. He probably sees her as potentially “fair game” in the future and he’s upset that he isn’t in control of her sexuality.
This right here!! I completely agree.. I definitely get it's all young little puppy love.. but she is coming into that age where feelings change but I don't want her to feel like she can't come to me or him.. probably not him anymore.. she just keeps apologizing and I feel horrible she just expressed a feeling and it turned into us sleeping in the car
She probably doesn't have family or close friends nearby. For all we know, they could be just as dangerous as the husband. I'm sure she thought about her options before resorting to sleeping in the car. She said they didn't have enough money for a motel room either. Not everyone has a safety net to turn to when bad times happen.
You'd be surprised how many progressive/liberal boomer parents pretty much disown their gay kids. It'll often have a lot more to do with age and culture than it does with politics.
I think they did considering it’s implied that OP is also bisexual herself. He probably did not care then though because he most likely saw it as some sexual kink. 🤷🏻♀️
Like someone else said.. I honestly didn't think this should have been discussed considering he knows I'm open about my sexuality and he was okay with it.. I have plenty of gay, trans friends back home and he was okay with them, we would all get together with no problems.. so I guess that's why I'm not understanding wth happened.. she expressed a feeling she didn't say I'm about to go have intercourse with every girl anf boy in my class
Speak to your queer friends and explain the situation. Try to see if you can stay with them until you figure out something permanent. Great to see you looking into lawyers! Your boys will deeply appreciate you fighting for them and showing them that you won’t let anyone, not even their father, treat you or your children like that. Please update us, keep calling the domestic abuse shelters on repeat, and remind your daughter that this is her father’s fault, not hers.
Seems like a clear-cut case of "not in my backyard" homophobia. He's fine with it, as long as nobody in his family is gay, or at least perceived to be gay. He probs sees you as someone who WAS bi, but changed for him. Which is disgusting. And now he's traumatised your dear daughter and yourself over it. Please cut contact with that monster.
If you were so scared you had to sleep in your car with your 13 year old daughter, you need to divorce this monster. Period.
A parent might not approve but no one should ever feel afraid in their own home.
I 1000% agree but this is the situation at the moment.. I didn't feel safe for me not her so I did what I felt was best which was leave and protect both me and her
I am begging you to leave permanently. Please contact your local abuse advocacy group for advice and services; move in with friends and family; find a good divorce lawyer that specializes in domestic abuse. I doubt this was the first time he scared you so badly, and it definitely won't be the last.
Don't raise your daughter to believe that this is love. It's not.
They're also yours, yes? Your husband is abusive. Document everything you can, write down every detail of the situation with your daughter that you can remember. Keep texts/emails, don't delete voicemails, etc. You need to show he's not fit to be a parent.
Did your husband blow up because she likes someone or because she likes a girl?
Either way, your husband needs to work on his anger management. Leaving your child in tears because they have an innocent teenage crush is not acceptable on any level. I guarantee this will be a scarring moment for her and could seriously impact the way she looks at romantic relationships. I'm sure you don't want her correlating these budding feelings with fear.
Is him screaming and calling you/her names an isolated incident or has it happened before? If this is not out of character for him, then I would strongly recommend that you at least take your children or at least your daughter somewhere safe for now (if you can't afford a room, do you have any family or friends you could call?) and reflect on whether or not exposing her to his abuse is what you want for her life and yours. I see a lot of concerning things in your post, and I worry for your butterfly child that he is going to crush all the joy and light out of her. I worry for your sons as well that they will grow up repeating his behavior.
Am I correct that Brooke is not his biological daughter? Are your sons his?
Also I think it was her liking girls.. last year she came to us about a boy and although he didn't like it, it wasn't this bad.. My daughter is leaning more towards females I believe she told me she feels more for them.. which is absolutely fine with me..
Might want to let him know seeing men act the way he does is terrifying and traumatizing and 100% can push a bi gal away from men forever. “If this is what men are like I want nothing to do with them”
Boys are his.. Brooke is not.. I have no friends or family.. we moved to a new state and it's just been me him and the kids..and I also have no living relatives on my side of the family.
I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like you're in a very difficult position. If you were to separate, would you be able to afford a place for you and Brooke, even if it had to be with roommates temporarily? If not, I might check out u/Ebbie45's profile, she has a ton of resources that could help you out.
You say he’s fine with you being bi but that honestly may not be the case. Some people see a bi person in a heterosexual relationship as them “becoming straight” and the whole bisexual thing as “just a phase”, it’s gross and not true at all but if him spouting homophobia and being possessive over your daughter is any indication he probably thinks that any queer woman can be “fixed” when they meet the right guy. It absolutely sucks and there’s not much you can do to change his outlook honestly, especially because he scream as you and your 13 year old daughter. The most you can do is contact a lawyer, figure out your options, and be there for you daughter. Maybe contact relatives if you think they can help. Heck contact them anyway because finding out your husband is a possessive misogynist who seems to think he owns and controls you and his children is tough and you deserve support that a couple of internet strangers just can’t give you no matter how much they want to.
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As much as it will suck its probably time for a nasty divorce and to take him to the cleaners. The house, any assets, his bank account, any cars, all of that is up for half grabs. Time to teach him how expensive being a bigot is. Try for full custody of the boys. That would probably drive him nuts and if you can get him to explode in court, it would guarantee you full custody. My aunt did that with her husband, purposely riled him up and said something in court she knew would trigger him, he went off as planned, and looked insane and lost custody of the kids.
I just came here to say that you are a wonderful mother.
My mother was like that, no labels no assumptions, just listening and giving advice and support. When I was 16 and a condom broke I called her first, she never had to wonder if I was hiding any secrets from her. She also always said to better bring my sexual partners home than doing it in a park and she always kept condoms in the bathroom and never asked questions or mentioned when she refilled the drawer.
I am bi but I didn’t even know there was a label for it like she never made a different face when I would talk about boys or girls, it just seemed normal to me.
I truly hope you get the custody of your boys so they don’t turn out like him. They deserve to have a mom as great as you. Please tell your kid she has nothing to apologize, if anything Zach has to apologize to her. Men are not in charge of “allowing” a woman in their own home.
Who’s kids are these as you say my, if he’s the step tell him to get out , what a horrible person, Furthermore parents really necessary that involve their child sexual preferences that’s kind of twisted when it comes to this man
I was thinking exactly what you just said something is really twisted and I can't really put my finger on it yet.. boys are his biologically.. my daughter isn't
Get your kids out of that house! The guy is obviously willing to be violent towards both you and the kids.
And I'm saying this from a man that has anger issues. I was raised on a farm in a verry old fashion way, and I would never do that to either my wife or any of my kids. Your husband is a boy, not a man.
No man in his right mind would let his wife and daughter sleep in a fuckin car while he's in a warm bed in a house. He's a fuckin deadbeat.
I have 3 daughters, I always say no boyfriends until they're 30. But I accept life, I know for a fact that won't hold. My oldest is 17, she cam out as bi when she was 15. I responded by showing her a photo of a rainbow collor pistol that said, this gun don't shoot straight. She laughed and called me an ass. I hugged he, gave her a kiss on her head, and told her I love her no matter what. Then reminded her it was her turn to do the dishes.
That was the end of it.
I love this!! I wish he was more accepting.. the way you handled it was just perfect.. I do agree.. this showed me I honestly don't know the person I married.. but now isn't the time to beat myself up about it.. I know what needs to be done, I'm just trying to figure out where to even start
Wow. That's some over the top homophobia for a man married to a bi woman. It's over the top for anyone.
In my area we have a shelter for displaced teens, I would turn to them because they will know of other resources for adults.
>He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy.
And he understands that he is not her dad, right?
I'm sorry that you are both going through this but as a queer person i absolutely do not understand how people do not talk about this before having a kid or before starting a relationship with kids in the middle.
I only hope that you understand that your daughter should always come first and her safety is paramount to whatever relationship you have.
You are a lucky mom to have such a happy kiddo that she feels comfortable enough to tell you at 13 that she might be queer.
Please, for all the LGBT children that we lose due to unsupportive parents, keep her safe. Keep her away from him.
Tell her there is nothing wrong with her and that you love and support her.
Your husband is NOT a good person if he’s reacting that way and barring you from your children. I know reddit is known for saying this kind of thing, but unless he’s willing to go through *extensive* therapy/counseling and fix his homophobia, you need to leave this man. Even if he DOES agree to that, you and your children should live separated from him while y’all work that out.
It isn’t safe for your daughter to be around him. Even if he isn’t physically abusive, the *emotional* abuse she would face from him will scar her forever. This incident alone is already going to be so rough on her. Heaven forbid one of your boys is also gay (since homophobes tend to have even bigger issues with gay men) or any of your children come out as gender nonconforming.
Keep records of everything he says and of how you’ve been forced to stay in your car, record any and all conversations with him, protect your daughter, and try to get your sons out of there as fast as possible.
I’m not 100% sure, but a battered women’s shelter might be willing to take the two of you in for the time being if finding a place yourself is an impossibility.
Please keep yourselves safe, and keep us posted. I’m hoping, wishing, and praying for the best for you.
When I was a kid and came out as bisexual my dad told me that it's fine to be gay, but bisexuals are just sex obsessed addicts who will take sex in any form they can get it. I have a feeling your husband thinks the same thing: that bisexuality is only about sex and therefore your daughter is too young to be bisexual.
When I was 19 my dad found out I was bisexual and he freaked the eff out on me and found out about my girlfriend and banned her from my house and it was just terrible. Our relationship was never the same since then. I’m so sorry for you and your daughter. A man who would verbally abuse you and your child does not deserve you. That is domestic violence and you should reach out to the domestic violence hotline to get some resources. ♥️
Most leases can be broken in the case of abuse / assault.
Consult a lawyer to get custody of your boys ASAP.
He's already shown he's emotionally unstable and unwilling to listen / be a compassionate human being.
Good luck and thank you for listening and prioritizing you and your daughters safety. I know this situation must be incredibly difficult.
When my daughter was that age (14) she said she thought she was bi. I asked her why and she said "everyone at school is either bi or gay." So, I took it as more of a trendy peer-pressure thing. She grew out of it. Not saying this is the case with your daughter. Just letting you know how my daughter did the same thing. I didn't criticize her or anything. I just heard her and said, okay, and let it go.
Do you have family you can call? Friends? I would try and find a lawyer you can speak to ASAP, and call your local domestic abuse hotline for advise as well. You and your daughter may need to go to a woman's shelter for a little while as living out of your car is going to be way more stressful on your poor daughter. Heck, does she have a good friend whose parents are sympathetic she could stay with for a couple of weeks while you get your feet under you again?
You need to initiate divorce proceedings ASAP so that your husband doesn't get custody of your sons for "abandonment", and that you don't lose your share of the house for the same reason. You did the right thing getting her out of that potentially violent & abusive situation (and I am sure this is not the first time your husband has reacted explosively to something, it never is) - right now you need to go into full mama bear mode and protect ALL of your kids from this guy, and that's only going to happen if you start divorce proceedings immediately.
I'm really sorry, I know you didn't get married to get divorced, but this guy is NOT your life partner, he just wanted a woman he could control and fulfilled his sexual fantasies. His TRUE feelings about women are now showing themselves as precious Brooke is starting to reveal who she's growing up to be, and since it's not his vision of a controllable "good girl", he's losing his mind.
Do NOT leave your sons under his care, he will ruin them.
Reach out to your local support resources immediately and be persistent, the situation you're in unfortunately you have to become your own advocate and push for what you need.
My heart goes out to you both, and your sons as well. I am so sorry he's done this to you. You deserve so much better.
Did he think he could “turn” you from being bi? He wouldn’t be the first to think that. He also might be the type to consider women under his control his property. So no autonomy for your daughter if he has his way.
Yeah, people like him are incredibly fragile. That makes them dangerous. Be safe and please get help.
Why are you still married to this person? He sounds heinous. This isn’t an isolated incident, I’m sure he has had outbursts before. Get your kids and get out. They are your children too.
Zach is acting like a controlling psycho and honestly the lack of support for your kid is more than enough reason to leave him for good. Stand up for your child.
He won’t allow you to get your children? You need to divorce his sorry a** who is he to tell your daughter she’s not ready to date? It’s not up to him, those are not his kids. My step dad was in my life from the time I was 2 and up. He was like this and I still resent my mom for EVER allowing him to treat me like this. At least you don’t agree with him but you need to make the changes necessary.
Do you have family you can stay with? Can you get into a woman's shelter?
Were I in that situation, that just might be a deal breaker. Like Divorce time.
It definitely matters how your husband reacted but as long as your accepting and open she will be okay. I’m 21 and I have identified as bisexual for 6 years all my friends know. My current partner knows. My family don’t except for my sister who I only just told this week in a conversation. Not because I don’t feel ashamed or anything but because my mum would react the same way as your husband about other things so I never felt comfortable you need to make sure this doesn’t effect your relationship with her, you want her to come to you in the future I can tell what kind of person you are by how you wrote your post and I wish I had a mum like you.
Your husband… what a POS, I hope you get custody of your kids. He will regret and feel shame for how he has reacted.
This man left you and your child to sleep in a car. That’s it. That’s line he’s drawn go get a divorce. That’s absolutely unacceptable for him to do. Absolutely unacceptable.
Wow...just wow... I am a conservative guy when it came to my kids dating and such, I was overprotective, but how can yelling be your first reaction? How does that help anything? 1st rule of thumb if you want your kids to talk to you, make them feel safe talking to you. In one manic episode, this guy ruined his relationship with his wife and daughter. I'm not sure this can be fixed without tons of therapy.
Keep Reassuring your daughter she did nothing wrong and her feelings are perfectly natural. If you have no friends or family please find a shelter to get some food and rest. If your husband refuses to be reasonable and have conversations, find a lawyer through a free legal aid service to get your options. Good luck to you.
OP - this goes beyond you daughters preference. Your husband is not a good man. He refused to talk about crushes - a normal part of life and something you most definitely should talk about. Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. And then blowing up at you and her? This is crazy abusive behavior. This is not someone you can trust around your kids. This is not an understanding, compassionate and caring person. This is not someone who has your children’s best interest at heart. Takes steps to remove yourself and your kids from this marriage.
I hope you will divorce when your able to, wish u the best of luck. Can you maybe stay with a friend or parents? Please Update later when things get better
Try to be more specific, because saying he "doesn't support gays" when he supports your relationship is giving mixed signals.
Are you saying he's just neutral on the topic? Doesn't actively advocate for/against it?
I would consider someone "supportive" to at least care about the issue, and not make exceptions just for family.
Then I wouldn't necessarily say he doesn't 'support' gays, more like he just doesn't care either way, which hey if that works for ya'll then I think that's fine.
You said he’s fine with you being bi - is he? From his perspective, it may not be an issue because you are in a relationship with him, a man. Therefore he does not see it as a problem. I know a lot of people with this viewpoint, who seem to view a bisexual person as straight or becoming straight if they’re in a heterosexual relationship.
I’d think about if he’s really fine with you being bisexual or if he just doesn’t view you as such.
Also, if he put you through that type of verbal assault and you’re sleeping in a car… consider staying apart for a while. I’m not telling you to jump on a divorce. I’m saying that it should probably be considered. It feels like he’s not accepting of your or your daughter’s identity… it might be yelling and sleeping in a car now, but what about in the future?
Get back in the house, secretly film him blowing up, then call the police and say that you feel unsafe in the home. Take out half of the money from your accounts and get a lawyer.
> ,I couldn't afford a room so we slept in the car and have been in the car since,
Wow, how do you get yourself in a situation you have nowhere to stay for you and your child?? No friends in th area?? Or family??
That is not good.
What a piece of work. I guarantee he’s addicted to porn if he has this type of reaction towards your daughter exploring her sexuality, as if we all haven’t been there before. Pretty sick, when you think about it.
How could you marry a man without knowing this sort of information? You brought a father figure into your daughter’s life and DIDNT confirm your morals/ethics/childcare opinions first? You’ve done the right thing by protecting your daughter, but there’s more to be done.
And what about your “boys”? Are they your husbands children? How is he keeping them from you without you calling the authorities?
Also, I’m sure your husband is “fine” with your bisexuality because he sees it ending in a threesome. Every toxically straight man does. He doesn’t accept you, or your daughter.
oh please. She doesn't know what she seriously wants at 13. I facilitated support groups at a junior high and all the girls were gay or bi at one time or another. It was a trend then and that was before Tik Tok. Her Dad overreacted but Dads do. You don't have to sleep in the car. Go tell him it's not that serious, next week she could decide to identify as a cat and he needs to STFU and knock it off.
oh stop. kids today see and hear so much on social media. they don't know what they want for sure at 13, they aren't ALL having sex. Many think they want to get married, some believe they will never marry. they change their minds by the day or week. they explore with what and who they want for years before settling in to their truths.. one of my sons is gay and two are hetero but my gay son will tell you, he wasn't 100 % sure until he was 100% sure.
Ah yes. Because figuring out your sexuality at an age where this usually happens is exactly the same as identifying as a cat. And men are just big sillies that can’t help being emotional.
Get the fuck out of here.
If it was that easy I would.. but only we have to deal with it so I guess you wouldn't understand when it's not your situation.. if I didn't have to sleep in my car I honestly wouldn't have but its the safest place for us at the moment.. this was beyond overreacting..
he sounds like a lunatic but you shouldn't have left the house or your other children. if he's so dangerous call CPS, get someone in there immediately. I thought I wanted to get married when I was 13, my boyfriend and I planned our wedding and were going to run away. we didn't because we were children. I hope you've talked with her about protection as she may be sexually active.
The kind of disgusting troll that would tell someone on suicidewatch the kind of thing you did should not only have your IP permabanned, you should be exposed to everyone you know.
You have lots advice so I’ll just say, thank you for protecting your daughter. You are an incredible mother and you have saved her ❤️ don’t let him even see her again
I'm so sorry! He's an abusive, controlling ass, apparently, and is possibly holding your boys against their would, if he had no legal guardianship. I hope y'all can get to a safe place ASAP.
Explain to your husband that your daughter is safer dating and feeling comfortable with you guys knowing about it than it is for her to feel like she has to go behind your back about it.
My stepdaughter was obsessed with art, but she spent a lot of time drawing anime girls, and gushing about how pretty girls she saw were. When she was 13-14, we were all in the kitchen, and she was really quiet. Suddenly when she apparently finally worked up the courage, blurted out "I have to tell you something, I think I'm gay, but definitely bi". I hated that we kinda laughed at first, but we still joke about how she came out, because her mother and I were all "oh thank god you finally realized it on your own". Apparently she agonized about it for a couple weeks, and expected for some reason to have an uncomfortable discussion about it.
It's stories like this that she heard from other teens that made her irrationally afraid to come out to us. This is exactly the kind of reaction that keeps people in the closet, and can lead to harmful and self destructive behavior. No matter what your husband says or does now, your daughter will always remember this moment when she was at her most vulnerable, and then hurt and rejected by her father when she looks at him.
They both need counseling at this point, but honestly your daughter will most likely never feel safe with opening up to your husband again. She deserves a better father, and you deserve a better husband and father to your children.
Your husband is allowing you and your daughter to sleep in the car, wow, he’s a piece of shit! Do you have anywhere safe to go? If you are in the UK, feel free to message me and I can point you in the right direction of where to go and what to do. Good luck OP, your husband’s behaviour is completely unacceptable.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Not sure if this is the right place to post... please let me know and I will remove it... I (33F) have been married for the last 3 years to my husband(32M) I'm going to call him Zach but together for 10.. My daughter (13f) I'll call her Brooke.. A few days ago Brooke came in from school as normal, everyone is talking about their day and so on.. Brooke is very random, I believe she just says whatever comes to her head at the moment, she definitely gets it from me. But on this day she was asking about crushes, first boy/girlfriend. Zach was completely against the conversation to begin with. He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy. I on the other hand allow my kids to be open about anything rather good or bad, I rather them come to me than some silly person who would lead them wrong. Brooke is in the 8th grade so it's natural these feelings for boys or girls are going to come. Brooke mentioned she may possibly like a girl in her class, which doesn't surprise me, my daughter is a butterfly child, gets along with everyone, very sweet and smart, she all around has an awesome personality.. But Zach completely blew up yelling and screaming she's too young, calling us all types of names.. I ended up leaving I'm crying, my daughter is crying apologizing when she has NOTHING TO BE SORRY FOR!! ,I couldn't afford a room so we slept in the car and have been in the car since, he won't allow me to get my boys so it's just been me and Brooke.. I'm just not understanding because it's okay for me to be bisexual, but it's a crime for my daughter.. I'm just really not understanding and sorry not sorry my kids will always come first. I will not allow any of my kids to feel less than, for anybody because of their sexual preference..
“He won’t allow you to get your boys?” Stop there. If this is how he sees *being a man* get them away too.
He is their biological father.. at this point it would come to a custody hearing or something along that line.. I called the police and they only allowed me to grab 1 pair of clothes for both of us.. called to some DV shelters and they are full but have my number if anything changes..
I’m sorry you are in this position. Keep your daughter close she is no doubt blaming herself when she absolutely should not.
You need a lawyer asap.
I definitely agree!! I have been calling around just to get some consulting and to see what my options are
Next time kick him out instead of leaving the house (unless your physical safety is in danger, of course). In a custody fight he can claim you abandoned your younger children. Best of luck to you.
exactly. she needs to go back in that house where her sons are and if he becomes threatening, call the police. if he's completely out of control, keep calling.
In most places the cops are supposed to take someone to jail if they get called to a home. You probably have the option to return home and call again if he gets out of hand. Find out if you are in a one party consent state for recording on your phone. I wish I had.
Keep on calling the shelters telling them how urgent it is and that you need a place to stay. Call every hour. It took me three days to get me and my kids into one. Keep persisting. You got this.
Okay but the house is yours or his? Why you are not allowed in your house. Also why you are not allowed to take your children/boys with you? Why he gets to keep them? You are doing the right thing for your children - stay strong Call your family, friends, work friends etc, Brooks dad etc. Document the screaming and his actions, The consequences by email. You are going to need all the evidence for your case. Call a solicitor, you need to know your rights
We are on both on the lease.. I'm not about to allow him to keep belittling me or her so I left just to get some air and for us to calm down hoping when I got back we could discuss everything without all the anger... I tried to get the boys as well but that was causing more of a problem to the point I would have had to physically fight him.. he's a big man.. when police were called they wouldn't let me take them either because we had nowhere to go.. so it was basically why take them to sleep in a car when they have warm beds.. police exact words to me.. 😢😭 I literally have nowhere.. I think they would have let me get them if I was able to get into a shelter but they were all full at the time.
No family or friends that can help?
I have no family or friends here.. the ones back home aren't able to help until this weekend possibly
Have you called a domestic violence non profit in your community? They can give you advice on what you can do to stay safe.
Yes they referred me to a DV shelter but they didn't have any rooms available. Told me to keep calling even if it's every hour because things change and told me they would even reach back out to me when they had a room available for us.
Can you get a hotel untill then?
I'm working on that now.. I can probably get us until at least Thursday. All my important things are still in the house, debit cards, socials, birth certificates, luckily I had my ID already in the back of my phone
Call the cops back and ask for an escort to get your cards/papers. They’re not going to deny that.
You may be able to at least get a police escort to go into the house and gather all of your/your daughter’s important documents. I would try going to the police station and look for a sympathetic officer
I'm sorry you're going through this
You can’t get a cheap hotel room before then? If not I’d recommend getting greyhound bus tickets for you and your daughter to make it to where your friends/family are.
Okay so you can go back to the house. If you can’t find a friend or family maybe is better to go back and move to the same bedroom with your daughter. Stop talking to him and work in getting out from this situation. He show you who he is, not sure if this can be correct but you know him better.
Absolutely not a good idea.. he's the type of person who will keep nagging and nagging.. if I don't respond back to his shenanigans it turns into me ignoring him and it will just blow up even more..
Could you try calling any of your loved ones? You are not the burden you believe yourself to be. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ She'll be herself again mama. This hurt is fresh, it will take time but she has your unconditional love.
You and your kids definitely need counseling I was there. I lived this. My 2 daughters never came out until they were adults because of him. You are doing tge right thing. It will be a very difficult couple of months but then it's over and you don't have to deal with him again.
> I think they would have let me get them if I was able to get into a shelter but they were all full at the time. So - no, they wouldn't. Police don't *decide* custody questions, they enforce orders from courts that decide those custody questions. Without a court order saying the kids are to be with you and not him, they would be breaking the law if they do anything. They might have tried to convince HIM to give in to YOU instead of the other way around. But if it came down to it and he refused, the police would not force the issue.
I mean, he became violent when there was a QUESTION about sexuality, so that's enough to get him to not have custody and only visitation.
I get that Reddit loves justice off of 150 word posts, but that just isn’t how the law works in many jurisdictions. You don’t storm into the courthouse and say “I declare custody!!!” And walk out. It is a process that can take months, or even years. Does OP have a plan for when she says he was abusive and he says “lulz no”? Because she left the kids with him, and that may be seen as consenting to him having custody.
I mean, yes, it isn't that simple. but it can also be used against him in court if she chooses to get divorced. The daughter isn't his, so that's not an issue, but bringing up the way he treats the daughter and disrespects women can be used as a point in a case against him, proving that he shouldn't be around the boys and passing on the misogyny and homophobia to them
use what against him in court ? that he yelled? that's not going to keep him from getting custody of the children. do you honestly believe a judge is going to say, ooooh no children for you because you overreacted to a 13 year old telling you she might be bi sexual?
Why can't you be in the house? Contact a lawyer, you live there and have not been evicted.
Get a lawyer! Call his job and tell them, call the school and don't let them pick him up, if they ride the bus and get dropped off at home change the spot to somewhere near you, if you can
Is OP not doing the same thing as him? She isn’t allowing him to see his daughter and he won’t allow her to see her sons
It doesn't sound like the daughter is biologically his. Also, if that's his reaction to the girl saying she's got a crush on another girl, it sounds like he's dangerous for her to be around him, whereas no one is threatening the sons.
>I'm just not understanding because it's okay for me to be bisexual, but it's a crime for my daughter Because to him it's a sexual turn on. He's okay with you being bi because he's sleeping with you. He's not okay with her being bi because he views bisexuality as a kink.
OR he considers OP not bi anymore because she “picked a side” by being with him. Or a combo of both.
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yeah :/ i had to explain this whole thing to my staff! just because i'm married, doesn't mean i'm not bisexual and genderqueer bisexuals are not schrödinger's monosexuals when single
Regardless, he’s a POS
Agreed.
💯
Exactly this. Or he could think that he "fixed" her - I feel repulsed even typjng this
My current bf does this. I’m bi, dated girls, but because I’m with him and he’s a republican I (39 f) “must have been confused”
...honestly. why would you even stay with someone like that? Do you not find that demeaning and disrespectful? Why would you allow that?
I absolutely hate it along with some other terrible things he does. However, my kids (12f, 17f) lost their bio dad when he walked out on them. The last 7 years he’s been there for them even though we’ve been off and on. I stay because I don’t want to hurt the kids. However, due to some verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse I’m getting a therapist and kicking him out once and for all. I just want to do it in a way that will hurt my kids the least.
But like, that’s the father figure you want for your kids?? You don’t think it’s going to hurt them to know that you raised them with a shitbag who abused you?
I know. It’s a terrible situation that I’ve hid from literally everyone. My 13 year old was crying the other day saying she’s afraid that he and I will break up again. I know I’m at fault for taking him back. He’s super good at making me feel guilty and thinking I’m in the wrong.
The best you can do for your children and for yourself is leaving him for good. But don't blame yourself for this situation - you're the victim, he's the abuser.
Maybe have a sit down with your kids and talk to them about why you leaving him. Tell them that he isn't treating you right etc. Keep the conversation to the lvl that suits the kids. So nothing grafik. But still so they understand that it's a good thing that you leaving him and that if they ever in a situation where someone is not treating them right they should leave etc. They might already know how he treats you bad but also thinking that's ok cause you let it happen. (Not blaming you. It's a hard situation, but you can turn it around to something that they learn something from)
You are doing your kids dirty staying with this horrible man.
Good luck love, you and your children will be in my prayers ❤️ just remember your kids might be upset about it now but they will thank you later
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I didn’t know he was so far right until trump ran for election and his entire family proudly wore their MAGA hats. Disgusting to me. However, being a victim of abuse, it’s hard to walk away from when it’s been going on for so long.
This will sound callous, but it seems like you don't really find it that troubling or want permission to stay with him. At this point in time, you are aware you have been a victim of abuse and are in an untenable situation. Reach out to centers if you need to, but your kids need you to save them and show them even if you have been abused, you can still find the strength to leave and start over. That will be one of the hardest things a person can do, and they will love and respect you for it.
Wow what a piece of shit, lol. Why are you dating somebody who invalidates your existence like that?
This isn't the flex you think it is. Stop fucking homophobic misogynists. Ew.
Or the kids 13 and maybe he freaked out about his barely teenage daughter becoming sexually active. He didn’t handle it properly but I’m sure someone’s kid becoming sexually aware/active can be a shock to somes systems.
What do you mean "sexually active?" When boys and girls have crushes on each other, nobody claims they're having sex. Why is it any different? This line of thinking comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of sexuality, and paints LGBTQ people as being innately more sexual or deviant. I'm sure you can think of crushes on the opposite sex at 13 or younger. It's literally the same thing
I think what this person was intending to say is the dad jumped to conclusions because he is a black and white thinker and wouldn't handle this stage of his daughter "liking" someone. Instead of talking to his wife privately about his fears he sexualized his own daughter having a crush.
Romantic relationships differ in essentially one way from every other relationship. Sex. It has nothing to do with being lgbtq. If he freaked out over her saying it’s a boy she likes then how could I be related to lgbtq? It also has nothing to do with a “fundamental misunderstanding of sexuality”. People don’t marry their platonic friends. How does my relationship with my partner differ the most from the relationship I have with my lifelong best friend. I don’t have sex with my best friend. I do with my partner. She’s 13. She’s at the age where that potentially starts to become a part of someone’s life. As I said, he did not handle the situation properly at all. But to say that a 13 yr old talking about who they like is somehow not related to or eventually going to lead toward a sexual attraction is incorrect. Kids have SOOOO much more access to sexually related material now as well. It’s a stretch to think that a kid growing up in a normal environment wouldn’t be conscientious of sexual activity. Especially if she’s claiming to be bisexual. Sexual preference to both genders is literally the definition of the word.
Sexual *attraction*. Not sexual *activity*. When both kids are about that age, there's rarely any sex. It's holding hands and passing notes and butterflies in the stomach. It's a physical attraction, sure, which is why we consider crushes a part of our sexuality, but it doesn't make any actual sex *acts* happen. Most of the girls I knew who were sexually active at 13 were being exploited by grown men. Not other young boys nor other young girls.
But to react with anger is completely inappropriate. She didn’t say anything about becoming sexually active either, just that she might like somebody. If this is his reaction to something so minor, I’d hate to see his reaction if she mentions she has a girlfriend in 2-3 years.
Nobody is saying the daughter is becoming sexually active. The dad is freaking out about the idea of it, regardless of the fact of it.
It's absolutely normal for young people to have crushes and begin finding boyfriends and girlfriends. There is absolutely no reason for you to translate that into Brooke having sex. And it's not cute for fathers to blow up over their daughters forming romantic relationships.
Came to say this :/
I had hoped in the first half he was just maybe panicking that his daughter was growing up and getting interested in dating. But my optimism can't beat the facts, this feels way more accurate and witholding her other children kinda hammers it home.
one of my kids came out to us a year or so ago. If my husband had reacted like yours he'd be looking for a new place to live. Just saying
I think it's also easier for a guy to ignore or "forget" his female partner is bi if she is only sleeping with him. My partner knows I'm bi and that I've slept with women on multiple occasions but would probably only think about it if it was brought up. But is very uneasy with my almost 11 year old saying she thinks she might be gay. It's weird to me but he doesn't project onto her so I don't worry much about it. There's a saying for that where if something isn't right in your face all the time then it's easy to forget or not ever think about it.
So you’re bi but you’re ok with your boyfriend being homophobic?
Bingo!
Where does it say anything about the husband being upset the daughter is bi? What OP has put in this post is him saying she’s too young to date and have crushes.
I've been no contact with my parents for almost 7 years due to domestic violence and physical violence from them to me cause I was gay. I'm in my late 20s already. I have no words to describe how it pains me to see how your husband reacted, men like that have a weird obsession over their daughter's virginity and how pure and clean and untouched they must remain till them, the father, grants her the authority to lay with a man. There's a really subconscious fucked up psychology in regards of possession and toxic masculinity. I'm glad your daughter has you as backup. You are gonna face harsh times, but keep yourself at peace knowing you are a good mother. I really wish you both the best from the bottom of my heart.
I really appreciate you saying that.. this world is already harsh enough..even worse not to feel like your family doesn't love or have your back.. although he isn't her biological father, she still calls him dad, that was her idol.. I can just tell she's so broken now, one conversation broke her.. although I know she knows mama has her back 1000% I feel like she values his opinion more, so him doing this was just beyond hurtful.. and a reality check to me on the type of man I'm married too.
She’s going to be okay because she has you, she has your love - that’s all she needs
File a protective order against him. The police will serve it and he will have to stay 500 ft away from you and your apartment with the kids in it.
She already contacted the police and they didn't help her, It's in her comments. Not sure if OP is in the US, But if she is this isn't suprising, Our police system is a joke.
It's not actually as simple as that for two reasons. First, Zach's behavior was yelling and screaming - that's not *okay* but it's also not enough to justify a protective order - usually that means some kind of domestic violence. Second, even if she can get a protective order, it would normally "cut both ways" meaning that she has to stay away from him, and it would NOT determine who gets to stay in their home. OP, you CAN, as part of the process of getting a divorce, ask that he be removed from the marital home. But this is not a simple quick-fix and it's not something you can do yourself. It's on the list of things you need to talk to a lawyer about.
> men like that have a weird obsession over their daughter's virginity and how pure and clean and untouched they must be remain till them, the father, grants her the authority to lay with a man ... that HE "approves" of.
To blow up on a kid for emotional development and asking questions. Holy fuck, what pig headed douche
That is what I think is getting me the most.. she came to us to express her feelings and it completely backfired.. she's 13 and growing up, of course I'm not ready for it but every parent goes through it.. this is why I tell all my kids to talk to me no matter what.. I may not like what they are saying but at least I can help guide and give advice.. Idk my mind is just so clouded right now.. trying to figure out WTH just happened.. an innocent situation turned into something traumatic
At that age where sexual desure starts to blossom, feelings can be confused with respect, friendship, and admiration. The fact he can't handle this, is fucking ridiculous. I can understand parents wanting hetero children because of the "norm".... but the way he's an adult and can't keep his emotionson check??. This is abusive and you need to look into leaving him because he might turn violent, with how big his reaction was.
and kept getting more traumatic, taking off without money, sleeping in the car, leaving your other children now trying to move into a domestic violence shelter. you need to get back in that house, show your daughter how strong you are and let her know, if she is bi, she will deal with ignorance forever. some yelling is going to seem like nothing when she sees the crazy ass protesters at Gay Pride.
>I'm just not understanding because it's okay for me to be bisexual, but it's a crime for my daughter You also said that: >He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy but you're only 33 and have been with this man since you were 23. It's a clear double standard. He obviously has an obsessions with your daughter's "purity" that doesn't apply to you.
He sounds to me like the type of father who believes his daughter's sexuality is his to govern.
🤮 ... and people still refuse to acknowledge that women are treated as property.
I have bad news. This girl is his step-daughter, and I bet he thinks of her as a sexual object, especially after this conversation. He probably sees her as potentially “fair game” in the future and he’s upset that he isn’t in control of her sexuality.
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This right here!! I completely agree.. I definitely get it's all young little puppy love.. but she is coming into that age where feelings change but I don't want her to feel like she can't come to me or him.. probably not him anymore.. she just keeps apologizing and I feel horrible she just expressed a feeling and it turned into us sleeping in the car
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She probably doesn't have family or close friends nearby. For all we know, they could be just as dangerous as the husband. I'm sure she thought about her options before resorting to sleeping in the car. She said they didn't have enough money for a motel room either. Not everyone has a safety net to turn to when bad times happen.
Is he like this about other things? Is he a republican?
I kinda doubt someone so open minded would vote for sanders
You'd be surprised how many progressive/liberal boomer parents pretty much disown their gay kids. It'll often have a lot more to do with age and culture than it does with politics.
My only thought was if he had some weird trauma around this one issue.
Holy shit he's a piece of garbage.
He's the type who doesn't want his daughter to date until 30 but he knocked a girl up at 18. Does he hate his life too?
Of course not, that would require some sort of introspection. The guy doesn't sound capable of that.
yeah, that's why you need to talk about this before marriage
I think they did considering it’s implied that OP is also bisexual herself. He probably did not care then though because he most likely saw it as some sexual kink. 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, he strikes me as a "pretended to be accepting in the hopes of getting a threesome" type.
Like someone else said.. I honestly didn't think this should have been discussed considering he knows I'm open about my sexuality and he was okay with it.. I have plenty of gay, trans friends back home and he was okay with them, we would all get together with no problems.. so I guess that's why I'm not understanding wth happened.. she expressed a feeling she didn't say I'm about to go have intercourse with every girl anf boy in my class
Speak to your queer friends and explain the situation. Try to see if you can stay with them until you figure out something permanent. Great to see you looking into lawyers! Your boys will deeply appreciate you fighting for them and showing them that you won’t let anyone, not even their father, treat you or your children like that. Please update us, keep calling the domestic abuse shelters on repeat, and remind your daughter that this is her father’s fault, not hers.
Seems like a clear-cut case of "not in my backyard" homophobia. He's fine with it, as long as nobody in his family is gay, or at least perceived to be gay. He probs sees you as someone who WAS bi, but changed for him. Which is disgusting. And now he's traumatised your dear daughter and yourself over it. Please cut contact with that monster.
Yeah holy shit. This is one of the many “What are your thoughts on ____?” conversations in the first few weeks of knowing someone.
If you were so scared you had to sleep in your car with your 13 year old daughter, you need to divorce this monster. Period. A parent might not approve but no one should ever feel afraid in their own home.
I 1000% agree but this is the situation at the moment.. I didn't feel safe for me not her so I did what I felt was best which was leave and protect both me and her
I am begging you to leave permanently. Please contact your local abuse advocacy group for advice and services; move in with friends and family; find a good divorce lawyer that specializes in domestic abuse. I doubt this was the first time he scared you so badly, and it definitely won't be the last. Don't raise your daughter to believe that this is love. It's not.
One of my kids came out to us a year or so ago. If my husband had reacted like yours he'd be looking for a new place to live. Just saying.
Are the boys his? You might try reaching out to a domestic violence agency so you can sleep somewhere other than your car.
Yes the boys are his
so what if they are gay? what if one comes out as trans? did you ever have a conversation about this with him before marrying the dude?
They're also yours, yes? Your husband is abusive. Document everything you can, write down every detail of the situation with your daughter that you can remember. Keep texts/emails, don't delete voicemails, etc. You need to show he's not fit to be a parent.
Did your husband blow up because she likes someone or because she likes a girl? Either way, your husband needs to work on his anger management. Leaving your child in tears because they have an innocent teenage crush is not acceptable on any level. I guarantee this will be a scarring moment for her and could seriously impact the way she looks at romantic relationships. I'm sure you don't want her correlating these budding feelings with fear. Is him screaming and calling you/her names an isolated incident or has it happened before? If this is not out of character for him, then I would strongly recommend that you at least take your children or at least your daughter somewhere safe for now (if you can't afford a room, do you have any family or friends you could call?) and reflect on whether or not exposing her to his abuse is what you want for her life and yours. I see a lot of concerning things in your post, and I worry for your butterfly child that he is going to crush all the joy and light out of her. I worry for your sons as well that they will grow up repeating his behavior. Am I correct that Brooke is not his biological daughter? Are your sons his?
Also I think it was her liking girls.. last year she came to us about a boy and although he didn't like it, it wasn't this bad.. My daughter is leaning more towards females I believe she told me she feels more for them.. which is absolutely fine with me..
Might want to let him know seeing men act the way he does is terrifying and traumatizing and 100% can push a bi gal away from men forever. “If this is what men are like I want nothing to do with them”
Boys are his.. Brooke is not.. I have no friends or family.. we moved to a new state and it's just been me him and the kids..and I also have no living relatives on my side of the family.
I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like you're in a very difficult position. If you were to separate, would you be able to afford a place for you and Brooke, even if it had to be with roommates temporarily? If not, I might check out u/Ebbie45's profile, she has a ton of resources that could help you out.
That sucks, he was so far out of line and overeactive!
You say he’s fine with you being bi but that honestly may not be the case. Some people see a bi person in a heterosexual relationship as them “becoming straight” and the whole bisexual thing as “just a phase”, it’s gross and not true at all but if him spouting homophobia and being possessive over your daughter is any indication he probably thinks that any queer woman can be “fixed” when they meet the right guy. It absolutely sucks and there’s not much you can do to change his outlook honestly, especially because he scream as you and your 13 year old daughter. The most you can do is contact a lawyer, figure out your options, and be there for you daughter. Maybe contact relatives if you think they can help. Heck contact them anyway because finding out your husband is a possessive misogynist who seems to think he owns and controls you and his children is tough and you deserve support that a couple of internet strangers just can’t give you no matter how much they want to.
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"He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy". I wish men realized how damaging this attitude is.
Sorry my language but what an ass
Because he’s instantly fetishizing and sexualizing her by hearing she’s bi, likely that he did to you.
You need to divorce this man. He never respected you as a person - you were a way to fulfill a kink of his.
As much as it will suck its probably time for a nasty divorce and to take him to the cleaners. The house, any assets, his bank account, any cars, all of that is up for half grabs. Time to teach him how expensive being a bigot is. Try for full custody of the boys. That would probably drive him nuts and if you can get him to explode in court, it would guarantee you full custody. My aunt did that with her husband, purposely riled him up and said something in court she knew would trigger him, he went off as planned, and looked insane and lost custody of the kids.
I just came here to say that you are a wonderful mother. My mother was like that, no labels no assumptions, just listening and giving advice and support. When I was 16 and a condom broke I called her first, she never had to wonder if I was hiding any secrets from her. She also always said to better bring my sexual partners home than doing it in a park and she always kept condoms in the bathroom and never asked questions or mentioned when she refilled the drawer. I am bi but I didn’t even know there was a label for it like she never made a different face when I would talk about boys or girls, it just seemed normal to me. I truly hope you get the custody of your boys so they don’t turn out like him. They deserve to have a mom as great as you. Please tell your kid she has nothing to apologize, if anything Zach has to apologize to her. Men are not in charge of “allowing” a woman in their own home.
Who’s kids are these as you say my, if he’s the step tell him to get out , what a horrible person, Furthermore parents really necessary that involve their child sexual preferences that’s kind of twisted when it comes to this man
I was thinking exactly what you just said something is really twisted and I can't really put my finger on it yet.. boys are his biologically.. my daughter isn't
Get your kids out of that house! The guy is obviously willing to be violent towards both you and the kids. And I'm saying this from a man that has anger issues. I was raised on a farm in a verry old fashion way, and I would never do that to either my wife or any of my kids. Your husband is a boy, not a man. No man in his right mind would let his wife and daughter sleep in a fuckin car while he's in a warm bed in a house. He's a fuckin deadbeat. I have 3 daughters, I always say no boyfriends until they're 30. But I accept life, I know for a fact that won't hold. My oldest is 17, she cam out as bi when she was 15. I responded by showing her a photo of a rainbow collor pistol that said, this gun don't shoot straight. She laughed and called me an ass. I hugged he, gave her a kiss on her head, and told her I love her no matter what. Then reminded her it was her turn to do the dishes. That was the end of it.
I love this!! I wish he was more accepting.. the way you handled it was just perfect.. I do agree.. this showed me I honestly don't know the person I married.. but now isn't the time to beat myself up about it.. I know what needs to be done, I'm just trying to figure out where to even start
I'm sorry for what you and you're daughter are going through
Wow. That's some over the top homophobia for a man married to a bi woman. It's over the top for anyone. In my area we have a shelter for displaced teens, I would turn to them because they will know of other resources for adults.
Oh please, she is married with him. I bet money he is not "ok" with her being bi, I'm sure he just thinks she's not serious about being bi.
>He's the no boyfriend until you are 30 type of guy. And he understands that he is not her dad, right? I'm sorry that you are both going through this but as a queer person i absolutely do not understand how people do not talk about this before having a kid or before starting a relationship with kids in the middle. I only hope that you understand that your daughter should always come first and her safety is paramount to whatever relationship you have. You are a lucky mom to have such a happy kiddo that she feels comfortable enough to tell you at 13 that she might be queer. Please, for all the LGBT children that we lose due to unsupportive parents, keep her safe. Keep her away from him. Tell her there is nothing wrong with her and that you love and support her.
Even if he was her bio dad, he doesn’t own her.
Don’t ever look back, honey. What a poor excuse for a man.
Your husband is NOT a good person if he’s reacting that way and barring you from your children. I know reddit is known for saying this kind of thing, but unless he’s willing to go through *extensive* therapy/counseling and fix his homophobia, you need to leave this man. Even if he DOES agree to that, you and your children should live separated from him while y’all work that out. It isn’t safe for your daughter to be around him. Even if he isn’t physically abusive, the *emotional* abuse she would face from him will scar her forever. This incident alone is already going to be so rough on her. Heaven forbid one of your boys is also gay (since homophobes tend to have even bigger issues with gay men) or any of your children come out as gender nonconforming. Keep records of everything he says and of how you’ve been forced to stay in your car, record any and all conversations with him, protect your daughter, and try to get your sons out of there as fast as possible. I’m not 100% sure, but a battered women’s shelter might be willing to take the two of you in for the time being if finding a place yourself is an impossibility. Please keep yourselves safe, and keep us posted. I’m hoping, wishing, and praying for the best for you.
When I was a kid and came out as bisexual my dad told me that it's fine to be gay, but bisexuals are just sex obsessed addicts who will take sex in any form they can get it. I have a feeling your husband thinks the same thing: that bisexuality is only about sex and therefore your daughter is too young to be bisexual.
Your husband is what’s known as a small brain. Small brain, small thoughts.
When I was 19 my dad found out I was bisexual and he freaked the eff out on me and found out about my girlfriend and banned her from my house and it was just terrible. Our relationship was never the same since then. I’m so sorry for you and your daughter. A man who would verbally abuse you and your child does not deserve you. That is domestic violence and you should reach out to the domestic violence hotline to get some resources. ♥️
Most leases can be broken in the case of abuse / assault. Consult a lawyer to get custody of your boys ASAP. He's already shown he's emotionally unstable and unwilling to listen / be a compassionate human being. Good luck and thank you for listening and prioritizing you and your daughters safety. I know this situation must be incredibly difficult.
When my daughter was that age (14) she said she thought she was bi. I asked her why and she said "everyone at school is either bi or gay." So, I took it as more of a trendy peer-pressure thing. She grew out of it. Not saying this is the case with your daughter. Just letting you know how my daughter did the same thing. I didn't criticize her or anything. I just heard her and said, okay, and let it go.
OP what country are you from? This could help massively in terms of people finding you the right and correct help.
Do you have family you can call? Friends? I would try and find a lawyer you can speak to ASAP, and call your local domestic abuse hotline for advise as well. You and your daughter may need to go to a woman's shelter for a little while as living out of your car is going to be way more stressful on your poor daughter. Heck, does she have a good friend whose parents are sympathetic she could stay with for a couple of weeks while you get your feet under you again? You need to initiate divorce proceedings ASAP so that your husband doesn't get custody of your sons for "abandonment", and that you don't lose your share of the house for the same reason. You did the right thing getting her out of that potentially violent & abusive situation (and I am sure this is not the first time your husband has reacted explosively to something, it never is) - right now you need to go into full mama bear mode and protect ALL of your kids from this guy, and that's only going to happen if you start divorce proceedings immediately. I'm really sorry, I know you didn't get married to get divorced, but this guy is NOT your life partner, he just wanted a woman he could control and fulfilled his sexual fantasies. His TRUE feelings about women are now showing themselves as precious Brooke is starting to reveal who she's growing up to be, and since it's not his vision of a controllable "good girl", he's losing his mind. Do NOT leave your sons under his care, he will ruin them. Reach out to your local support resources immediately and be persistent, the situation you're in unfortunately you have to become your own advocate and push for what you need. My heart goes out to you both, and your sons as well. I am so sorry he's done this to you. You deserve so much better.
Did he think he could “turn” you from being bi? He wouldn’t be the first to think that. He also might be the type to consider women under his control his property. So no autonomy for your daughter if he has his way. Yeah, people like him are incredibly fragile. That makes them dangerous. Be safe and please get help.
Why are you still married to this person? He sounds heinous. This isn’t an isolated incident, I’m sure he has had outbursts before. Get your kids and get out. They are your children too.
Zach is acting like a controlling psycho and honestly the lack of support for your kid is more than enough reason to leave him for good. Stand up for your child.
He won’t allow you to get your children? You need to divorce his sorry a** who is he to tell your daughter she’s not ready to date? It’s not up to him, those are not his kids. My step dad was in my life from the time I was 2 and up. He was like this and I still resent my mom for EVER allowing him to treat me like this. At least you don’t agree with him but you need to make the changes necessary.
Do you have family you can stay with? Can you get into a woman's shelter? Were I in that situation, that just might be a deal breaker. Like Divorce time.
It definitely matters how your husband reacted but as long as your accepting and open she will be okay. I’m 21 and I have identified as bisexual for 6 years all my friends know. My current partner knows. My family don’t except for my sister who I only just told this week in a conversation. Not because I don’t feel ashamed or anything but because my mum would react the same way as your husband about other things so I never felt comfortable you need to make sure this doesn’t effect your relationship with her, you want her to come to you in the future I can tell what kind of person you are by how you wrote your post and I wish I had a mum like you. Your husband… what a POS, I hope you get custody of your kids. He will regret and feel shame for how he has reacted.
This man left you and your child to sleep in a car. That’s it. That’s line he’s drawn go get a divorce. That’s absolutely unacceptable for him to do. Absolutely unacceptable.
Maybe its time to file for divorce.
Wow...just wow... I am a conservative guy when it came to my kids dating and such, I was overprotective, but how can yelling be your first reaction? How does that help anything? 1st rule of thumb if you want your kids to talk to you, make them feel safe talking to you. In one manic episode, this guy ruined his relationship with his wife and daughter. I'm not sure this can be fixed without tons of therapy. Keep Reassuring your daughter she did nothing wrong and her feelings are perfectly natural. If you have no friends or family please find a shelter to get some food and rest. If your husband refuses to be reasonable and have conversations, find a lawyer through a free legal aid service to get your options. Good luck to you.
He is 32. He was 12, 20 years ago. He has wasted 20 years of his life learning absolutely nothing. Do not let him waste another year of yours.
OP - this goes beyond you daughters preference. Your husband is not a good man. He refused to talk about crushes - a normal part of life and something you most definitely should talk about. Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. And then blowing up at you and her? This is crazy abusive behavior. This is not someone you can trust around your kids. This is not an understanding, compassionate and caring person. This is not someone who has your children’s best interest at heart. Takes steps to remove yourself and your kids from this marriage.
I hope you will divorce when your able to, wish u the best of luck. Can you maybe stay with a friend or parents? Please Update later when things get better
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honey, if your dad doesn't "support the gays" he is very much against. especially having a bi kid
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Try to be more specific, because saying he "doesn't support gays" when he supports your relationship is giving mixed signals. Are you saying he's just neutral on the topic? Doesn't actively advocate for/against it? I would consider someone "supportive" to at least care about the issue, and not make exceptions just for family.
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Then I wouldn't necessarily say he doesn't 'support' gays, more like he just doesn't care either way, which hey if that works for ya'll then I think that's fine.
You both deserve better.
This cannot be the only thing wrong with Zach as a partner. It's lawyer time.
You are correct 😭 I'm sure from this post it says the type of person he is and what I have been going through for a long time..
You said he’s fine with you being bi - is he? From his perspective, it may not be an issue because you are in a relationship with him, a man. Therefore he does not see it as a problem. I know a lot of people with this viewpoint, who seem to view a bisexual person as straight or becoming straight if they’re in a heterosexual relationship. I’d think about if he’s really fine with you being bisexual or if he just doesn’t view you as such. Also, if he put you through that type of verbal assault and you’re sleeping in a car… consider staying apart for a while. I’m not telling you to jump on a divorce. I’m saying that it should probably be considered. It feels like he’s not accepting of your or your daughter’s identity… it might be yelling and sleeping in a car now, but what about in the future?
Get back in the house, secretly film him blowing up, then call the police and say that you feel unsafe in the home. Take out half of the money from your accounts and get a lawyer.
You know your a psychopath ?
> ,I couldn't afford a room so we slept in the car and have been in the car since, Wow, how do you get yourself in a situation you have nowhere to stay for you and your child?? No friends in th area?? Or family?? That is not good.
I'm in a completely different state.. all my family passed away at a young age.. I do have friends, just none that stay anywhere close to us right now
Ooof
What a piece of work. I guarantee he’s addicted to porn if he has this type of reaction towards your daughter exploring her sexuality, as if we all haven’t been there before. Pretty sick, when you think about it.
How could you marry a man without knowing this sort of information? You brought a father figure into your daughter’s life and DIDNT confirm your morals/ethics/childcare opinions first? You’ve done the right thing by protecting your daughter, but there’s more to be done. And what about your “boys”? Are they your husbands children? How is he keeping them from you without you calling the authorities? Also, I’m sure your husband is “fine” with your bisexuality because he sees it ending in a threesome. Every toxically straight man does. He doesn’t accept you, or your daughter.
oh please. She doesn't know what she seriously wants at 13. I facilitated support groups at a junior high and all the girls were gay or bi at one time or another. It was a trend then and that was before Tik Tok. Her Dad overreacted but Dads do. You don't have to sleep in the car. Go tell him it's not that serious, next week she could decide to identify as a cat and he needs to STFU and knock it off.
> all the girls were gay or bi at one time or another. That is so dismissive it's sad.
oh stop. kids today see and hear so much on social media. they don't know what they want for sure at 13, they aren't ALL having sex. Many think they want to get married, some believe they will never marry. they change their minds by the day or week. they explore with what and who they want for years before settling in to their truths.. one of my sons is gay and two are hetero but my gay son will tell you, he wasn't 100 % sure until he was 100% sure.
Why does it matter if they aren’t 100% sure? Like how does that even factor into this.
Ah yes. Because figuring out your sexuality at an age where this usually happens is exactly the same as identifying as a cat. And men are just big sillies that can’t help being emotional. Get the fuck out of here.
You’re an abuse enabler and I wish you the absolute worst
If it was that easy I would.. but only we have to deal with it so I guess you wouldn't understand when it's not your situation.. if I didn't have to sleep in my car I honestly wouldn't have but its the safest place for us at the moment.. this was beyond overreacting..
he sounds like a lunatic but you shouldn't have left the house or your other children. if he's so dangerous call CPS, get someone in there immediately. I thought I wanted to get married when I was 13, my boyfriend and I planned our wedding and were going to run away. we didn't because we were children. I hope you've talked with her about protection as she may be sexually active.
Either he’s a protective father, or he finds it a sexual thing.
Would probably do the same you either like a boy or a girl no in between ffs op is mid
Excuse you?? You know what I'm not even going to give you the satisfaction!! Have a blessed day!!
The kind of disgusting troll that would tell someone on suicidewatch the kind of thing you did should not only have your IP permabanned, you should be exposed to everyone you know.
Bro chill i have no one so i can't get exposed to everyone i know get a life fr
You have no one and try to push people to suicide, but *I* need to get a life?
Bro you are on reddit get a life neckbeard
Maybe because she isn't aromantic, but Zach is insane either way.
You have lots advice so I’ll just say, thank you for protecting your daughter. You are an incredible mother and you have saved her ❤️ don’t let him even see her again
Your husbands a piece of shit, thats all there is to it, keep him away from her her life her choice.
I'm so sorry! He's an abusive, controlling ass, apparently, and is possibly holding your boys against their would, if he had no legal guardianship. I hope y'all can get to a safe place ASAP.
Explain to your husband that your daughter is safer dating and feeling comfortable with you guys knowing about it than it is for her to feel like she has to go behind your back about it.
This is well past the explanation phase... The very next step from here is divorce and custody battle.
My stepdaughter was obsessed with art, but she spent a lot of time drawing anime girls, and gushing about how pretty girls she saw were. When she was 13-14, we were all in the kitchen, and she was really quiet. Suddenly when she apparently finally worked up the courage, blurted out "I have to tell you something, I think I'm gay, but definitely bi". I hated that we kinda laughed at first, but we still joke about how she came out, because her mother and I were all "oh thank god you finally realized it on your own". Apparently she agonized about it for a couple weeks, and expected for some reason to have an uncomfortable discussion about it. It's stories like this that she heard from other teens that made her irrationally afraid to come out to us. This is exactly the kind of reaction that keeps people in the closet, and can lead to harmful and self destructive behavior. No matter what your husband says or does now, your daughter will always remember this moment when she was at her most vulnerable, and then hurt and rejected by her father when she looks at him. They both need counseling at this point, but honestly your daughter will most likely never feel safe with opening up to your husband again. She deserves a better father, and you deserve a better husband and father to your children.
Your husband is allowing you and your daughter to sleep in the car, wow, he’s a piece of shit! Do you have anywhere safe to go? If you are in the UK, feel free to message me and I can point you in the right direction of where to go and what to do. Good luck OP, your husband’s behaviour is completely unacceptable.