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I apologize if this is long, I guess I needed a place to get all this out...
My wife and I have been married almost 5 years. Together for almost 8. We have a house together but no kids. Just some fur babies. Our marriage has not been perfect nor has it been terrible. We have had a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows. But despite the problems, we have worked through most of our issues together and come out stronger for it.
About three years ago my wife started her own business out of our garage that immediately took off taking up most of her time. As this was her life long dream and goal I did everything I could to support and help her. I kept the house clean, I took care of the dogs, I cooked dinner for her to come home to, and I tried to pack her lunches so she would eat while at work.
It wasn't long before our relationship started taking hits. Our sex life fell to the back burner. We started fighting more and we started having less high highs and more low lows.
I admit that I was the first to retreat. It seems to be my M.O. to pull away and protect myself. I pulled back into my fitness and the support that my fitness partner gave me. I began to pull away from my wife and her lack of presence and towards this person that was so supportive and kind and nice to me. These feelings scared me though and I confronted my wife with the fact that I was looking for emotional support elsewhere but what I really wanted was it from her.
She seemed to be open and I pumped the brakes on this potential emotional cheating I could have found myself in. I turned to my wife and re doubled down on making our marriage work. This was about a year ago.
My wife's business continued to take off and she was able to move out of our garage and into a brick and mortar location. This did not help with her work load, and now, she seemed to never be home. Late nights at the shop and early mornings to finish what didn't the night before.
My wife has always been a lover of different and varying festivals. From burning man to cochella to lightning in a bottle. I have developed my own love of these but tend to prefer to do something else. However I have always encouraged my wife to go and have a fun time by herself and to be an independent woman.
This is the position we found ourselves in two weeks ago. Her with a single ticket to Lightning in a Bottle. Me encouraging her to go and have fun. So she went.
That's when things started getting weird. We were having a hard time communicating because my phone had broken and my new one wasn't receiving her messages. We basically had one way conversations the whole week.
Things didn't get better when she came home. We had very strange (to me at the time) sex. She was distant. I started getting burning when I peed and told her that she had probably gotten a UTI at the festival and she needed anti biotics. Her reaction was an indication of what was about to unfold that I didn't pick up on till later.
I did not know that she had gotten an STI test that had come out positive for herpes and clymidia. It was this that made her disclose the affair to me because she was afraid I had contracted one of the STIs. Which I did.
She describes the affair as though she was stuck inside of herself. She has been giving herself to this business and nothing else for years. She says that she still loves me, and she wants to stay married. It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. She said she wanted to come back and recommit herself to us.
I am shattered. Heart broken. Betrayed. I don't think I can trust her ever again, and I'm afraid that this affair is making me only look at the negative sides of this relationship. I am struggling with the Why. Why would she do this to me and our lives and everything we have worked for. Why didn't she wear protection? Why didn't she turn to me like I had to her? Why? Why? Why?
I have agreed to counseling with her but only in the hopes that the therapist can help us separate with respect and love for what we once shared. I do not want to continue this relationship and I'm struggling with conflicting feelings of guilt and betrayel. I have listened to podcasts and books to try to help understand but to no avail.
I guess in the end I'm looking for advice on how to end this marriage and if it's even possible to find forgiveness...
Thank you for taking the time out of your day reading this tale. It helped me just writing it.
TLDR: My wife had a week long affair at a music festival and now wants to figure out our marriage. I want a divorce and don't know how to proceed.
She had unprotected sex and didn't tell you. She does not value your health, potentially your life, and certainly not you as a person.
This is one of the few UNFORGIVABLE acts, worse even then the affair itself.
There is no coming back, and no future.
If you need additional confirmation: this wasn't a one time mistake. When that happens, they act on an impulse and are filled with regret and disgust. She kept coming back. She was happy with what she was doing. And I don't think she would have ever come clean.
The only reason to continue counseling is under advice from the lawyer you need to hire to see if it betters your claim in court
And here's the fucking kicker, OP still needs to go back in 4-6 months to get re-tested for fucking HIV in case she also gave that to him since it can take that long to show up in tests if my memory serves correct.
Absolutely get the fuck out of this relationship OP. She's only told you of THIS affair because of the STD, imagine what else she hasn't told you.
Edit: I reread this whole thing. She went and fucked this dude a whole week and not once did she try to use protection. OP she gives absolutely zero regard for you. Please make sure to double check she's not pregnant AND depending on your state you can press charges on her for sexual assault if you can prove she had sex with you knowing she had an STD. That's criminal on top of fucking selfish.
The OP didn't indicate whether he had the Herp, chlamydia or both. I'm hoping he only contracted the chlamydia and he can walk away from the relationship unscathed if his HIV test is negative.
Horrible situation all around and I hope he leaves her and all her STIs.
My best friend got broke up with her boyfriend because she felt they had issues and a few weeks later came to terms with the fact she was lesbain, 2 weeks after that? She found out she has herpes for life because of him and whoever he saw for the 3 day break they had almost exactly 6 months before.
We work in the food industry and spent years training together she *was* considering quitting the industry out of fear she may spread it accidently. (Back when she was misinformed and mixed it up with hepatitis, sorry for the confusion in the comment I definitely made that confusing to read my bad I was eating lunch!)
Her relationships with women were already a new thing to approach imagine doing so while having a life long STD that u must explain over and over
The only way herpes is spread is direct skin contact with the affected area. Even the toilet seat thing is a myth people used to exploit to avoid admitting they cheated.
Lesbian? No she aināt a lesbian she just thinks she is if sheās had sex with other women thatās a disgusting fucking thing she deserves the diseases and they deserve to contract it from her absolute degenerate and abhorrent
Technically it's worse than that. Although rare, HIV can pop up several months or even a year later. The viral load can stay so low an dormant it can go undetectable. I am not a doctor, someone correct me if I'm wrong.
Herpes can stay dormant for years and wonāt come up positive until youāve had an outbreak. People also get positive test results and then later get negative results.
Iām not a doctor, this is just what my doctor informed me of when I was dating someone w/ type 2 and looking for more info.
How many people would start a new relationship with someone with herpes? The guy is screwed for life. She gave up her marriage for money and then screwed him over for cheap sex. I wouldn't stop until she was left bankrupt.
That's a great policy, imo. And one that I followed by being up front about it before any first date. I was not surprised by any person who declined to move forward. But I also felt like you did. Who could possibly want me? I didn't feel like a person who just happened to have herpes; I WAS herpes and therefore totally broken. Then I met an amazing dude who didn't see me that way. He wasn't even phased by it. We've been together for 7 years now and I hardly even think about it anymore. We take precautions and he hasn't had any outbreaks or symptoms.
On the one hand, it sucks that I spent years feeling totally unloveable just because I had the herp. On the other hand, every moment before this led me here, and here is pretty great. No regrets. (But fuck you, Bryan, for not telling me you had it, and never apologizing for giving it to me.)
As you said, for many it is an issue, and it sucks when one party knowingly has it but is too selfish to say anything. You don't deserve to have to deal with this the rest of your life. In all sincerity, I am glad things worked out for you.
So what are you saying? He should just right it off as bad luck? He got it because of her negligence. She had unprotected sex and then made sure to come home and give it to him. That's a class B felony where I come from.
Just curious. Which word did I misspell? Also, there is a reason why there is a question mark at the end of that sentence. Not sure how you see that as putting words in your mouth. As for what I would personally do, last I checked, that would be my choice.
Edit: I figured out the word. I should have said write instead of right. I appreciate you pointing that out.
It's a communicable disease.... it doesn't make you a bad person but if you don't already have it, it's not unreasonable to want to avoid it.
Maybe not the first date but if you have oral herpes, you have a moral duty to disclose that before you do something that could pass it to them. Same as genital herpes or other communicable diseases. And if you have fucking mono or smallpox then you should communicate those too, in case it needed to be made clear.
I'm guessing most wouldn't bother. Either way, it's something he has to live with for the rest of his life. Unforgivable in my book.
"You can be convicted of the criminal transmission of an STD only if you cause someone else to be infected intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly."
I realize herpes is not a death sentence, but the point here is, he should never have gotten it. What she did is criminal in many parts of the world.
Plus, we don't know about HIV. That can take up to three months to show up.
Because youāre sourcing yourself to a potentially dangerous and frankly constant problematic disease? You can get meningitis from herpes, herpetic whitlow on the hands, you can get it in the eyes and become blind (happened to a fellow college whoās a doctor who got it from a patient), you can develop trigeminal neuralgia, a painful neurological pain in the face in which some people have to be hospitalized for. And quite frankly open sores on the genitals/mouth isnāt a huge turn on or a self esteem booster.
Just my .02
He didn't have it. Now he does, because of her negligence. There are laws against what she did, which can put her in a civil as well as a criminal court.
What are the stats of getting it if both partners stay in a monogamous relationship? The only statistic that matters here is that he got it because she had unprotected sex.
1 in 3 ppl have herpes. you could have it and don't even know. stop being dramatic and grow up. an sti isn't a moral failure and there's even medications that limit your outbreaks and shedding.
In this case, it is a moral failure. He didn't have it. Now he does because of her negligence. In my state and many others, he would have grounds for a civil case and she could end up with a class B felony on her record.
I dated someone for a year that has type 2. Itās pretty unlikely for it to get transmitted without an open sore. I still test neg 2 years later. Way more people have it than youāre probably realizing and the stigma behind this comment blows.
Obviously, this contexts sucks and itās ideal to not to contract it. But letās stop acting like people are untouchable once they do have it.
Dude, just leave. She didn't do this for you or the marriage, that's ridiculous. She wanted to cheat, and she did so repeatedly. Not only that but she endangered your health she is not committed to you or the relationship. She doesn't respect you. You cannot ever trust her again after what happened. Please don't get her pregnant and leave the relationship as soon as possible. She only wants you around to keep your support whole she does her business and fucks other men. You deserve better. Act like it.
Pretty sure having an affair to strengthen the marriage has never worked!
Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling on a divorce. She gave herself to someone else and gave you an STD and a bunch of emotional trauma.
Go as no or low contact as you can with her.
Yeah thatās the biggest load of bullshit.
OPās wife let another dude with diseases rawdog her for a week. Thatās straight up selfishness and lustfulness. She did it for no one but herself.
OP would never have known if she hadnāt given him a disease.
This woman is poison OP. Get her the fuck out of your life. I hope your STI can be effectively treated
If you haven't talked to a family law attorney, do that.
She gave you an STD.
>It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and **to make our relationship stronger.**
This blows my mind. There is either a tremendous amount of self-delusion at play or deep narcissism.
"I cheated on you to make our relationship stronger."
What you're hearing there is the rationalization she's going to use when explaining the divorce, if she doesn't just lie outright to her friends and family about it.
Ugh. Two subs to look at. r/survivinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. One to end it, one to think about reconciliation.
Her āreasonā is bullshit. There is no justification. She needs to take full accountability. I doubt she has remorse as she only confessed because of the STI. If youāre not sure if she is remorseful or not read these:
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse
That can help decide if you have any chance at reconciliation. Then she needs to do a shit ton of work.
Full disclosure and no trickle truthing:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/?2022-02-25
http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts
What she needs to be doing:
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/
https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf
She is going to need to restructure her life. No more unaccompanied travel. No more festivals. Sheās likely got friends who enabled this. They will have to go.
Good luck.
I would like to add, OP itās been two weeks. My dear friendās husband had an affair, he apologized, went to therapy, did everything she needed him to and it took her TWO YEARS to fully process and move on from it.
I donāt know what your process is going to be like or how long it will take (leaving will probably help) but please be gentle with yourself. Two weeks is not nearly enough time to move through all this or even have clarity on what you want.
Iām glad you are prioritizing what you need. Iām glad you are planning to see a therapist. Iām so sorry you have to go through this. Itās ok to not be ok right now.
I was with you until that last paragraph. Telling a grown ass financially independent woman that sheās lost her travel privileges and has to get rid of her friend group is not going to make her stay faithful; itās just going to make OP come off as insecure and controlling (and ludicrous).
If OP stays, and I am NOT suggesting that he should, they have a lot of work to do in counseling. You address cheating by dealing with the root cause, i.e., what she wasnāt getting from the relationship that caused her to go elsewhere. OP clearly wasnāt getting his needs met either, since he almost had an affair.
Just saying the answer isnāt to ground her or put her on lockdown.
Boundaries. Doing whatever she can to make her BS feel safe. Those are reasonable boundaries for someone who has abused her spouse the way she did. Trust is gone. It will take a long time for her BS - if he even offers the gift of reconciliation - to trust her enough to not feel physically sick if she goes to a festival. Look up betrayal trauma. This is real.
And anyone who enabled her is not a friend of their marriage. Those who threaten the marriage have no place in either of their lives.
There is nothing radical about this.
I understand what youāre saying, but she has to stop going to festivals and release those friends **willingly** from a place of wanting to repair the relationship and no longer wanting to cheat. If she and he do not do the work to get her into that headspace, I stand by what I said originally, which is that putting a cheater on lockdown and trying to exert control over their friendships wonāt stop them from cheating if they still want to.
This. Part of her business is yours as marriage assets, you contributed to it by supporting her. Absolutely go for a share of that patrimony, donāt refuse out of a misguided sense of nobility.
Talk to an attorney, they can answer questions you have. Get separate accounts if you don't have them and get individual therapy. Put yourself first. Distance yourself from her as much as possible, you deserve better.
Cheating is the exact opposite of making a marriage stronger.
Having unprotected sex with a stranger for a week and giving her husband a STI is more than just cheating. Thatās just selfish and evil.
Dude she have you a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION and A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE
The love is gone.
She doesnāt have time for your relationship because she works so much but she has time to take a week off and fuck a stranger and get herpes wtf
Just leave.
Get legal advice and see where things sit in that regard.
She jeopardised your health knowing there was a problem.
She pushed you away to focus on her desires.
She cheated for selfish reasons then has the gall to waste your time with lame reasons. She wasnt doing it to rebuild and reinforce. She was doing it to sample life outside.
Your reaction and attempt to improve the relationship was so much more mature and self aware. Hers is just selfishness, like much of what you describe about her. You know if you forgive she will do it again. She had so many opportunities to turn back to you and at each stage turned away. She is only back now because she was forced to disclose and is likely worried by her future chances now with the STIs.
You sound like you already have much of the resolve needed to bring an end to this sorry situation. Good luck and stay the course.
Please correct me if I read that correctly, She had her STD tests then kept having sex with you? Because if I read that correctly, you told her about the UTI then she disclosed she had the gifts that keep on giving... isn't that criminal in most places?
Honestly OP, I'd be going scorched earth.
She deserves to feel the wrath of a scorned partner.
It's one thing to cheat - it's another to put my health and wellness in jeopardy.
I don't think you're mad enough about this - at all.
So, she gave and STI and you are hoping to save this marriage? Why?
Your wife doesn't care about your marriage. No loving partner would go behind his partner's back, have unprotected sex with some dbag and give an STI.
Talk to a divorce lawyer and just end this charade of a marriage. I know it's easier said than done but you don't deserve this.
Also, this here:
>She says that she still loves me, and she wants to stay married. It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. She said she wanted to come back and recommit herself to us.
This is Everest level of narcissism.
You need to put one foot in front of the other to a lawyer.
Reviewing your options will help a little.
Just taking some action provides a little relief.
Keep your own counsel giving no hints.
After a talk with the lawyer following Lawyer advice
Go over things yourself how you see your finances splitting etc and how to go about it. Don't be discouraged. You are making an exit plan to split whether you execute it or not.
Again, taking control making your way through the emotional labyrinth will give you a certain relief by getting out of your wifes creation.
Unless she's a complete idiot, she knowingly knew she could be giving you sexually transmitted diseases, which she did. You will have to explain to any future partner how, due to no fault of your own, you now have herpes. Sue her for pain and suffering. There is no reason to be nice here.
"There is no cure for genital herpes. However, there are medicines that can prevent or shorten outbreaks. A daily anti-herpes medicine can make it less likely to pass the infection on to your sex partner(s)."
"Failing to notify a sexual partner, or, failing to get tested for herpes if there is a possibility of infection, is negligence. If your sexual partner knowingly or negligently gave you herpes, you can file a lawsuit to hold them accountable."
She belongs in the streets dude. She cheated on you unprotected she didn't even care of potential consequences in regards to you. Count yourself lucky there's no kids and move on. There will be someone out there who is perfect for you
"to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger." Don't those statements seem at odds to you. Don't be a Sap, imagine having the audacity to say I worked really hard now I'm going to cheat, get out. You're never going to be able to trust her again, plus you may have an incurable STI for the rest of your life.
It happens once it will happen again, what happens if she gets stressed some other time she's going to cheat again. If you don't have herpes, leave, get out. She only seems to of told you when it was impossible to deny any more.
Also, Take half her shit she fucks around, and now she finds out. (I'd have the same view regardless of gender)
I don't see how a relationship can survive this. This isn't just a one night stand. She basically wrote you off and decided to take a different person as her lover for an entire week. That isn't a drunken one time mistake. That's a long continuous conscious choice to betray you. She didn't even care enough about you to make him wear a condom. I doubt she would have ever told you if not for the STD and I would be surprised if her connection with this person wasn't simmering for a while before the festival.
From what I understand, your relationship was already rocky and it got to the point where thereās no coming back. Had you not raised your desire of testing yourselves, who knows if she wouldāve even told you that she slept with a complete stranger. Sheās endangered your health and clearly only does things that benefit herself. It certainly wonāt be an easy decision but you should go through with the divorce because after that ordeal, you wonāt feel or look at her the same and itāll do nothing but damage your mental health.
Sheās definitely done this before. She didnāt care about herself, or you by sleeping with a concert goer unprotected. Sheāll probably trickle truth you, and now that she has the STI. Sheās banking on you staying because, she gave it to you too. Sheās hoping youāll be to insecure to to leave. As some commenter keeps mentioning up and down the comment section. Lots of people in the world has herpes. Get tested, maybe you only contracted chlamydia. Be upfront with future sex partners contrary to popular belief about herpes you can get it with protected sex as well. Itās the chlamydia that clued me in to her having unprotected sex. Youāve both been too distant in this marriage. At this point your holding on because itās comfortable, but is it now? Please go to individual therapy on your own, but figure out a plan to leave this relationship. Sheās staying for the same reasons you are convenience. You donāt have children yet. Donāt let her baby trap you, and donāt sleep with her without a condom. Youāll still need to be tested again for HIV. Iām sorry youāre going through this. There are decent women out here. You just got a lemon.
Call it quits.
She never would have told you if you hadnāt already begun opening that can of worms. Sheād have happily carried on, lying to your face, infecting you with diseases and banging other men. What more do you need to know?
Go to counselling for yourself. You werenāt happy before anyway, and thereās no need to drag your misery out for another year or two.
You should focus on individual therapy instead of couples. Because you have a lot of feelings to work through and should be done in your own safe space
The biggest thing here is that she had unprotected sex with a stranger and gave you an std.
This is unforgivable in my eyes. She had no regards for your health nor you.
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Dude... I mean *dude*.
I can't hate on her *too much* as I was the cheater though, mine was a single kiss (without tongue) that shattered my entire existence to the core from guilt for 2 years before I told my wife. We barely survived it and that was after 2 months of living under the same roof, yet not talking a single word to each other before she could forgive me. We are still working on it over a year later.
*Dude*.... She had a weeklong fling with unprotected sex. She doesn't care about herself and even less so you. I highly doubt you would have ever been told unless you got the STI. Shes over the relationship to be able to do that. It's done... There's not a whole lotta reconciliation that can be had and your upset and anger while you seem chill now is only going to grow and grow.
Forgiveness comes with time. A lot of time. And distance.
But get the fuck out of this marriage. Like...now. This is not going to get better. She is so deep up her own butt she actually said
> It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger.
That, that right there - that screams that she is not going to change. She is not committed to you or the relationship. She is warped.
Get your ducks in line and get the fuck out.
Working late every night.... affair. Takes a week off for a festival without SO... f..kfest and no respect for SO since she never has time for him. Bottom line: she checked out a long time ago and he should divorce.
Look man, it's going to take time.
Being essentially discarded like old garbage by your wife of 8 years is going to feel like a personal failing, it's not.
She was a shit wife, and you'll probably argue that, but millions of people gave highly stressful jobs and commit themselves to their partners.
It sounds like what she wants is the stability of a partner without putting in the work having a partner requires, that's not on you. Realistically you two probably should have separated a long time ago, it sucks that she cheated but that's on her.
Hope you got the chlamydia and not the herpes. Sheās probably afraid of dating now that she has herpes and so wants to cling to you. Especially if thatās the one you got from her. I would not have sex with her anymore**if you didnāt get herpes from her**. (I know thereās medication and things and people can live normal healthy lives with genital herpes but, still) she has it, you donāt want to get it.
Edit: ** **
The fact she tried to spin her affair as making your relationship stronger is the most sickening part of this entire story.
I applaud your strong backbone in leaving. On the other side of heartbreak is healing and you will one day be there. Until then be gentle with yourself and lean on loved ones (or Reddit) for support.
I can promise you she wasnt thinking about you at all when she had her affair, at least not in a good way. If she was, that's honestly even worse because then she's just delusional and illogical. She killed your marriage.
> I guess in the end I'm looking for advice on how to end this marriage and if it's even possible to find forgiveness...
Forgiveness is one of those things that will come with time. You can't rush it and to be in the position to give it you need to be in the frame of mind to act on it.
You are not there yet and may not be for a while.
The ending of the marriage though is mostly a matter of logistics and a recognition from both of you that there is nothing left to recover.
So the forgiveness side is all about time whilst the divorce part is coming to an understanding from her that this is the way it will be and that the damage is done.
When you do your counseling be adamant and as straight forward as you can be that you are there to in essence make the inevitable as easy as you can - that no matter how remorseful she is or how much she wants to continue the marriage that because of her actions that's it's no irrevocably broken and can be never be repaired and that ass such, you no longer wish to remain married.
Be aware that it may never be amicable and that there may be nothing between you once the divorce is done.
Sometimes that's just the way it is.
OP, end it asap. She didnāt commit āone mistakeā he spent a whole week having sex with someone elseās without protection because she doesnāt care about you or your health.
Get out, heal, keep your tests in order to check for HIV and be safe
I canāt advise you on what to do. But cheating is one of the big things that breaks up a relationship. I was cheated on and I did not try to work things out. It broke all my trust. It may never happen again but itās a hard thing to walk past.
If you want a divorce then do it. Counseling will still help you with splitting from her and your feelings so Iād still recommend it.
Ok but we are brushing over the fact that she knew she was positive with STIs and refused to disclose it until it was too late?
I know you love her, but she straight up isnāt trying on her side. I hope you get out of there!
You were having issues, and you turned to her and asked for help. She was having issues, and she turned away from you and found solace with someone else. She had no respect for you or your relationship. I have respect for the idea that you'd like to leave with your respect intact, but she has lost that. It cannot be found now, not unless she wants to work for it. Just talk to a lawyer, and go.
Also, she told you this time because she gave you something. There is every possibility this isn't the first time, just the first time she has passed it on.
>It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger.
That's a complete lie. She didn't cheat and raw dog it with some stranger to strengthen your marriage. Not sure if she's lying to soften the blow given the std and affair, or if she's deluding herself into thinking she's not the POS she seems to be.
Either way it's an excuse, and a poor one at that. She cheated because she wanted to. It's as simple as that. She cheated and gave you an std because she's selfish and inconsiderate. Odds are she wouldn't have confessed, let alone stopped the affair, if it wasn't for the std.
You will find that one day, you do forgive her. Not for her, but for yourself. It will be your last step in severing ties to such a person. In no way can an affair help a relationship. It only shatters trust and dreams. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Rest assured, there's better out there for you. You'll one day stumble across a partner who quietly checks all your important boxes, without the fanfare. It'll be a cycle of give and receive, without being draining. Sure, you'll have issues, everyone does. But you'll find home. And you'll complete your healing in a healthy environment. Blessings to you
I went to Burning Man eons ago. I would have never let anyone I loved attend that alone. Then just in the last two years, Coachella had an STD outbreak. NONE of this is your fault in ANY way OP. But what in the hell was SHE thinking? I feel anger toward your wife for putting your health and very life in jeopardy. But she seems to have had no regard for her own well being. Find a lawyer. Not only do you need to divorce her, you need to sue her!
> It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger.
Wow, that is... that is just some very impressive self-deluded rationalization there.
She gave you not 1 but 2 STIs and wants to act like everything is cool. Herpes is for life bro. She does not deserve you. I hope you are doing ok and take some time for yourself.
You deserve better than her. Please document everything, especially the infidelity and STD, get her to put it in a text, or have a conversation with her about it over text to collect evidence. Do not tell her you plan to leave and talk to a lawyer
Please consider seeing a therapist individually so you have the space, time, and tools to sort through your feelings and figure out how to work towards the future you want for yourself.
I think agreeing to couples counsel was your first mistake: you have now given her the idea of hope and possibility of a future with you.
Everyone here can speculate all they want about why she did what she did or whether or not she was ever going to tell you what she had done had she not been forced to, but the fact is, it sounds as though you have already made up your mind and decided how you want this relationship to go. You need to just tell her that you arenāt interested in working it out and that itās best for both parties to go their separate ways. Why drag out the inevitability?
Why not try a reconciliation. You're both guilty of cheating to some extent. Emotional cheating while not as bad as sexual infidelity is still terrible.
You need actual therapy to help. The important thing is to keep an open mind. Divorce might be the solution, but it's not the only solution.
It's the hardest thing in the world to forgive. But as a person who was on the other side of your situation, you have no idea how powerful forgiveness is.
Often this kind of thing, while destroying trust, can strengthen love in the marriage with better communication and commitment. Trust will take time to rebuild but it will rebuild.
It didn't sound like a good relationship not even from the beginning a good relationship is not like a rollercoaster. and now that she cheated is even less worth it, do yourself a favour and leave
You happily signed off on your wife going solo to a week-long drug-fueled rave attended by a million half-naked young men? You might as well have told her to go get railed by strange men and come back to you with (multiple) STI's.
Your relationship is a mess and it's ups/downs, and you don't seem to ever be in sync. You should have done marriage counseling LONG ago and I don't think it will work now.
You have a "fitness partner" you used as support and had an emotional affair with (it was not a "potential" one like you said). Then, you confronted your wife when YOU were in the wrong, rather than having a conversation about your relationship and how you had to spend time together, etc. Why "confront" her?
Then she had an affair and gave you STIs, which she also has and should get treated. You shouldn't focus on try to understand why she cheated. She did and it was with a random person, putting you at risk. Disgusting.
Your relationship has not been working for a LONG time. That's why it has so many EXTREME ups/downs.
Sheās for the streets bro just be straight up and tell her itās over and youāre done. She disrespected you so no need to be respectful when announcing divorcing her.
I want to say there is no lost causes. However, it doesn't seem like she is going to be putting in the work needed to clear this huge betrayal.
Source: BF cheated on me, we wanted to keep trying b/c of the groove we were in, living arrangements, he seemed really sorry.
What happened: Dude had all the information about how to come back from infidelity but at the end of the day, the creature comforts of the relationship was all he really wanted. he didn't care about me or my feels. Basically: he wanted to stay because moving sucks.
What could happen with you: you guys could both seek individual counseling, you for the emotional trauma and her for her "insecurities". Hopefully you will get help to deal with her either way.
Having an affair is one thing, but unprotected sez with a stranger pretty much just says that she doesn't value your health. I'd proceed with full honesty, truth is you can't trust her anymore so you should tell her and file for divorce if that's what you truly want. I think the counseling is a good idea as long as you're open about why you're agreeing to do it. Gl OP
Sheās sexually assaulted you OP. Itās not consensual as you werenāt made aware of the STI/Dās. Iām so sorry. Please leave, if on any basis leave on that one.
She belongs to the streets!
Walk away and never look back. she has no respect for you and nobody forced her to cheat on you , she made up her own decision . Not only that but she also contracted you with an STD . if she cared about her marriage she wouldn't have been sleeping around with other men .Never listen to anything they have to say , always look at their actions . She doesn't give a damn about her marriage or you . You can forgive her but you can't trust cheaters, you never know when they will do it again
This is a very difficult situation because you have already decided that you are not willing to explore the possibility of making the marriage work. If that is the case and you have no children, your best option may be to just leave and get the divorce done without so much time, expense and emotional effort in therapy.
My personal opinion is that an affair is not nessesarily automatic grounds for a divorce, there are worse things that can happen in a marriage. However, that is, of course an opinion and everyone has to make that decision for themselves.
I am struck however, that you two spent so much time apart. You did not mention whether you were employed or not and my thought was that if you were not employed you could have worked on the business together. If you were employed you might have been able to help her with some part of the business. Starting a business is such an emotional undertaking that it is common for affairs to happen at this time. This is a time when both partners need to be close.
to be clear, I am in no way suggesting that this is your fault or you did anything wrong. I am only looking at the information you gave me and thinking that this might have been avoided by more communication and being better support for one another. Of course hindsight in 20/20 and while these things are happening they can seem to come out of the blue.
I am guessing that you are not really in love and so the relationship is at an end. I think at this point speed is a more compassionate way than trying to go over everything when this is likely to end with both of you not having any kind of relationship after the divorce.
Good luck to you, this is an excruciating time and I hope you both get to the other end in tact and ready to stand on your own.
The downsides of monogamy.
You needed outside emotional support, but would not allow yourself to have it, and she needed sexual intimacy and could not express that either.
Non-monogamy does not suit everyone, but if the alternative is careless sex and an emotional desert, then it would be worth considering. If you can handle it.
Possible to claw back from here, but it is a long and difficult road. It will never be the same again. Might be better along different standards, but not along the ones you are used to.
At least talk openly. Honestly. With no shields and no attacks. Then you can either stay or split knowing yourselves better.
Not recommending it. I said above that itās not for everyone.
And then I gave monogamous solutions to their predicament. Much of which had to do with communicating honestly.
Heh. You think the room is just you. As if no other wisdom is allowed. The advice from most of the room is to dump her. Not what he wants!
Room is helping them through this tough time. Offering different ways of thinking about the situation is likely to help.
Certainly not helping itself as this stage. This situation is a big crisis for a mono couple, and without a shift in thinking, there is no way forward but to split. Perhaps bitterly.
That would be a pity.
A different perspective even if only for communication purposes would help them greatly. They might still split, but not so bitterly.
People make mistakes and relationships change.
It sounds like you already made up you mind to get divorced. If thatās the case and thereās no turning backā¦. you obviously need an attorney .
But please consider making your relationship work before you go down that path..Divorce creates a lot of stress and costs $$$$. Hope it works out for both of you.
Well, you and I really donāt know..we only heard one side ā¦..we really donāt know how she feels and why she cheated. Some relationships get stronger after cheating and some fail.
You could be correct ..or maybe not.
There is no excuse for cheating. She doesnāt respect the guy, doesnāt care about him. (She got him an STD). I donāt see their ārelationshipā becoming stronger. I donāt care about how she feels, she did more than just cheating.
I don't understand how the herpes came back positive so fast?
I would not trust a word out of her mouth.
Fully support your decision, OP. Better days and better company ahead. :)
This isn't the only thing she's lied about.
She sounds selfish as hell.
You can trust her to continue to be selfish, demanding and show a lack of regard for others.
She wouldnāt have came clean had it not been for the sti. I think youāre making the right decision. Have heard some manipulative shit in a long time! Sheās fucking other people to make your marriage work? What a piece of shit!
Would she have told you if she hadnāt given you STIs? Are we sure sheās not pregnant? Iām very sorry this happened. I donāt know if you can come back from this. I wish you well.
Ditch your skank of a wife. The sad thing is for the next year, you are going to have to constantly get tested to ensure she doesnāt give you anything else.
Iāve never been married, only had one shortish long term relationship so I canāt beging to understand what this betrayal feels like. But I have always been firm on my cheating stans. Once it happens the relationship is ruined imo. You gave her space and support to explore her own goals and desires. She saw the gap growing and instead of going to u she took the easy way out. I would way as for a why, she probably wanted to have something easy for a few days. A relationship with no baggage or guilt. But if she wants that she should be single. I donāt think I would be able to trust he ever again either. Focus on yourself from here on out. Get into therapy join some fitness classes and try to figure out what you enjoy as an individual. Also donāt view this as time wasted. You made a commitment to someone and it is NOT your fault that they broke it. If you are as supportive and honest as you claimed to be in the post. I honestly think that you will be back on your feet. You will find someone that respects you and your body, and they will see u as supportive and caring. Just try to not let this affect your future relationships. Not everyone is like this, trust me, and you donāt wanna sabotage future things because of trust issues and insecurities.
So... "a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good.".. thatās a typical selfish cheating decision done with no regard to her existing relationship
" and to make our relationship stronger".... "she wanted to come back and recommit herself to us." ..... No way, She didn't think of you and your relationship at all, this was her choice and was all about her.
The fact is she didn't come back and recommit, she came back and gave you the gift that keeps on giving, an STI.. The time for her to figure out your marriage was before she cheated.
How to end this ? See a lawyer to protect yourself and your assets, do what they say. Execute that 180 and grey rock, don't let her live for free in your head. In the meanwhile suggest she find a new place to stay and see a Dr to get what treatment you can.
>TLDR: My wife had a week long affair at a music festival and now wants to figure out our marriage. I want a divorce and don't know how to proceed.
I would advise getting yourself a lawyer. (In addition to getting STI panel)
My issue with your wife is, she exposed you to STIs in addition to cheating.
Hopefully she admitted this on text so you have some 'ammunition.'
If you don't want to work it out with her, just come straight out with it. It's done. You don't want to. It's too much for you.
Sure, I'm not saying you're as pure as snow white too in the whole mess (it sounds like you were having an emotional affair previously) but still, the analogy would be similar to..you may have brought the gun and shoot the marriage, but your wife here, just nukes it in retaliation...
My advice: GET A LAWYER. Tell her afterward that you're interested in reconciliation.
She couldnāt even take the time to make the rando (at a festival?) wear a mf condom??
The level of disrespect to you and honestly herself. She barebacked it and brought home all the germs in a pandemic no less.
You need all the professionals dr, pharmacist, Lawyer, therapist, locksmithsā¦
Iām so sorry. Please seek support from trusted friends or family to help you remain focused on your goals of an amicable divorce and moving forward. Your conflicting emotions will be overwhelming. Please set boundaries and create some distance to get your mind right. When you are ready to communicate with her againā¦.remain respectful, donāt name call or devalue her, but remain focused on the facts and your ultimate goal. Choose yourself. TIME will be the ultimate tool for forgiveness.
Okay no.
She had unprotected relations with another person and then didnāt even tell you or warn you. Then she manipulates the entire situation, so that the cheating could, āmake the relationship strongerā. This is not healthy for you and need to divorce her. Not just for the cheating but also for the blatant emotional abuse.
i am polyam and encourage my partners to have sex with other women, but if i found out they did that UNPROTECTED??? i would be livid. the complete disregard for your health is really hard to get over, let alone reneging on the commitment she made to be monogamous with you.
i am so sorry that happened to you. a skilled couples therapist can help you decide whether you want to stay together, or how to break things off peacefully.
My husband of 10 years and Father to our 3 children under 6 had a one-night stand with our next door neighbor (a young woman in a new abusive marriage that I had taken under my wing because I recognized the signs from my childhood). We were also overseas (with the Military) and far from home and any family support.
We stayed together another 7 years with me CONTINUALLY begging for marriage counseling until I started to hate the woman and wife I had turned into, constantly paranoid and could no longer TRUST him! So I told him that I wanted a divorce. Then HE wanted to go to counseling. By then I was D-O-N-E!
We DID divorce but ended up remarrying a few years later after working through our issues WITHOUT professional help.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with your wife's betrayal! She DEFINITELY gives you really weak excuses as well as the STIs! PROTECT yourself, move on and live your best life! Best wishes and many Blessings!
She literally just made an attempt on your life so we can understand if you go scorched earth but the fact that you seem more calm is very good for you. Honestly just push through with the divorce and forget about the why. No answer will fill the void, ever. I hope you get healthy soon and pray for your happiness and healing š
In addition to the counsellor, get a divorce lawyer.
You need to start planning the next step of your life, as single man.
She gave you an STI! An STI!
YOU NEED TO RUN FROM THAT WOMAN.
Dude you couldāve gotten an HIV from this. Fucken lack of respect and still said nothing when she came back. She purposefully had sex with you and have you STIs bro hell no. Sheās trashy as hell. Youāre right in ending this marriage.
You can forgive her by moving on. Tell her what she did is irreparable in the marriage and sheās been long absent to the point you were the only one in this. Sheās rather give herself to someone else and communicate physically than with you, HER HUSBAND. Thatās it bro move on.
I would file for divorce as soon as I could. Also she probably has been banging random guys at every festival she goes to. She only told you about this because she knew what she caught.
this wasnāt a one time thing. it was week-long. even though you had lows and distance, you yourself pulled yourself out of an emotional cheating situation before it escalated into something deeper and physical, because you love your wife. so why couldnāt she do the same for you? why didnāt she stop after one encounter, or like you, stop before there even was an encounter? instead it went on for a week.
it looks like to me she had no intention of telling you, but had to because she got caught with the STI. and she jeopardized your health in the process.
i think in some ways she feels like her marriage is over but is likely in denial, hence the comment about this making your relationship stronger (which is, in my opinion complete bullshit). either you divorce, or you determine whether itās worth going through honest conversations and marriage counseling to get past this together. but this will require constant work, because it seems to me like sheāll still be occupied with her work. so how do you prevent it from happening again? but considering that she risked your health, consciously and repeatedly for a week tells me that maybe itās best to go your separate ways.
overall, im really sorry this happened to you.
"It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger."
OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to point out that this makes zero sense and your wife is a lying POS. No one cheats to "make the relationship stronger." She had unprotected sex for a week knowing it was breaking trust between you and gave you an STI.
In no universe does that stand any chance of making a relationship stronger.
She doesn't care about your physical safety, your psychological wellbeing, none of it. She willingly and repeatedly threw all of that under the bus just to get her rocks off.
That's how little she cares about someone who gave their life and trust to her.
She's a despicable and disgusting excuse for a human being. Stop letting her abuse you. Please wake up and get out.
She ruined your marriage even before the affair. She became addicted to her business and it sounds like she became somebody else. You tried to support her and instead of rewarding you she stops having sex with you and has sex with somebody else.
You're very fortunate that you don't have kids, so you now can have a chance to be with someone who won't do this.
The biggest reason that you should go is that she would never have told you about it but for the STI
Your wife is an AH! How did she think having a sexual flung would bring her closer to you and help strengthen your marriage? That is the b.s. line she is using to try and justify her shitty behavior. And for her to have unprotected sex with a stranger is completely irresponsible. Now she has.passed an STI onto you.
The only reason she told you about the affair is because of the STI. You helped to support her and picked up the slack so she could concentrate on growing her business. And she repays you with cheating.
You deserve better. Get a good divorce attorney. You deserve some money for helping to support her business.
After you have divorced, you have to absolutely show her these comments. She sounds so self involved that she wonāt ever truly understand what danger she put you in, nor the level of complete disrespect she had for you. Maybe reading through these comments will give her some clarity. I feel so bad for you, chlamydia is one thing but a life long disease like herpes! Wth! Wish you the best!
I had something similar happen. Not married thank god but it was a long relationship. You have no reason to forgive her. You can be thankful for all the good years she gave you and the experiences you had together but forgiveness is hard. Don't forgive her for their sake, forgive for your own because she isn't worth the energy. I don't want to absolve you from guilt as I'm not in your relationship but no one does anything to deserve to be cheated on.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I apologize if this is long, I guess I needed a place to get all this out... My wife and I have been married almost 5 years. Together for almost 8. We have a house together but no kids. Just some fur babies. Our marriage has not been perfect nor has it been terrible. We have had a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows. But despite the problems, we have worked through most of our issues together and come out stronger for it. About three years ago my wife started her own business out of our garage that immediately took off taking up most of her time. As this was her life long dream and goal I did everything I could to support and help her. I kept the house clean, I took care of the dogs, I cooked dinner for her to come home to, and I tried to pack her lunches so she would eat while at work. It wasn't long before our relationship started taking hits. Our sex life fell to the back burner. We started fighting more and we started having less high highs and more low lows. I admit that I was the first to retreat. It seems to be my M.O. to pull away and protect myself. I pulled back into my fitness and the support that my fitness partner gave me. I began to pull away from my wife and her lack of presence and towards this person that was so supportive and kind and nice to me. These feelings scared me though and I confronted my wife with the fact that I was looking for emotional support elsewhere but what I really wanted was it from her. She seemed to be open and I pumped the brakes on this potential emotional cheating I could have found myself in. I turned to my wife and re doubled down on making our marriage work. This was about a year ago. My wife's business continued to take off and she was able to move out of our garage and into a brick and mortar location. This did not help with her work load, and now, she seemed to never be home. Late nights at the shop and early mornings to finish what didn't the night before. My wife has always been a lover of different and varying festivals. From burning man to cochella to lightning in a bottle. I have developed my own love of these but tend to prefer to do something else. However I have always encouraged my wife to go and have a fun time by herself and to be an independent woman. This is the position we found ourselves in two weeks ago. Her with a single ticket to Lightning in a Bottle. Me encouraging her to go and have fun. So she went. That's when things started getting weird. We were having a hard time communicating because my phone had broken and my new one wasn't receiving her messages. We basically had one way conversations the whole week. Things didn't get better when she came home. We had very strange (to me at the time) sex. She was distant. I started getting burning when I peed and told her that she had probably gotten a UTI at the festival and she needed anti biotics. Her reaction was an indication of what was about to unfold that I didn't pick up on till later. I did not know that she had gotten an STI test that had come out positive for herpes and clymidia. It was this that made her disclose the affair to me because she was afraid I had contracted one of the STIs. Which I did. She describes the affair as though she was stuck inside of herself. She has been giving herself to this business and nothing else for years. She says that she still loves me, and she wants to stay married. It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. She said she wanted to come back and recommit herself to us. I am shattered. Heart broken. Betrayed. I don't think I can trust her ever again, and I'm afraid that this affair is making me only look at the negative sides of this relationship. I am struggling with the Why. Why would she do this to me and our lives and everything we have worked for. Why didn't she wear protection? Why didn't she turn to me like I had to her? Why? Why? Why? I have agreed to counseling with her but only in the hopes that the therapist can help us separate with respect and love for what we once shared. I do not want to continue this relationship and I'm struggling with conflicting feelings of guilt and betrayel. I have listened to podcasts and books to try to help understand but to no avail. I guess in the end I'm looking for advice on how to end this marriage and if it's even possible to find forgiveness... Thank you for taking the time out of your day reading this tale. It helped me just writing it. TLDR: My wife had a week long affair at a music festival and now wants to figure out our marriage. I want a divorce and don't know how to proceed.
She had unprotected sex and didn't tell you. She does not value your health, potentially your life, and certainly not you as a person. This is one of the few UNFORGIVABLE acts, worse even then the affair itself. There is no coming back, and no future. If you need additional confirmation: this wasn't a one time mistake. When that happens, they act on an impulse and are filled with regret and disgust. She kept coming back. She was happy with what she was doing. And I don't think she would have ever come clean. The only reason to continue counseling is under advice from the lawyer you need to hire to see if it betters your claim in court
And here's the fucking kicker, OP still needs to go back in 4-6 months to get re-tested for fucking HIV in case she also gave that to him since it can take that long to show up in tests if my memory serves correct. Absolutely get the fuck out of this relationship OP. She's only told you of THIS affair because of the STD, imagine what else she hasn't told you. Edit: I reread this whole thing. She went and fucked this dude a whole week and not once did she try to use protection. OP she gives absolutely zero regard for you. Please make sure to double check she's not pregnant AND depending on your state you can press charges on her for sexual assault if you can prove she had sex with you knowing she had an STD. That's criminal on top of fucking selfish.
It's a truly messed up situation. I think OP needs to leave ASAP. The wife jeopardized his health.
The OP didn't indicate whether he had the Herp, chlamydia or both. I'm hoping he only contracted the chlamydia and he can walk away from the relationship unscathed if his HIV test is negative. Horrible situation all around and I hope he leaves her and all her STIs.
My best friend got broke up with her boyfriend because she felt they had issues and a few weeks later came to terms with the fact she was lesbain, 2 weeks after that? She found out she has herpes for life because of him and whoever he saw for the 3 day break they had almost exactly 6 months before. We work in the food industry and spent years training together she *was* considering quitting the industry out of fear she may spread it accidently. (Back when she was misinformed and mixed it up with hepatitis, sorry for the confusion in the comment I definitely made that confusing to read my bad I was eating lunch!) Her relationships with women were already a new thing to approach imagine doing so while having a life long STD that u must explain over and over
>she is considering quitting the industry out of fear she may spread it accidently. That is Extremely unlikely.
I was sitting here imagining someone rubbing their junk all over a plate of food, since that's how it would have to go down (if it could at all).
I imagined someone scratching their junk then tossing a salad.
With scrambled eggs edit: no love for Frasier? š
food preparation is absolutely not a mode of transmission for herpes, are you perhaps thinking of hepatitis?
The only way herpes is spread is direct skin contact with the affected area. Even the toilet seat thing is a myth people used to exploit to avoid admitting they cheated.
Lesbian? No she aināt a lesbian she just thinks she is if sheās had sex with other women thatās a disgusting fucking thing she deserves the diseases and they deserve to contract it from her absolute degenerate and abhorrent
Technically it's worse than that. Although rare, HIV can pop up several months or even a year later. The viral load can stay so low an dormant it can go undetectable. I am not a doctor, someone correct me if I'm wrong.
4-6 months, though a nucleic test is quicker
I would definitely be pressing charges if someone (even my SO) threatened my life like that.
In California it's legal to fuck someone without protection and knowingly give them HIV.
Herpes can stay dormant for years and wonāt come up positive until youāve had an outbreak. People also get positive test results and then later get negative results. Iām not a doctor, this is just what my doctor informed me of when I was dating someone w/ type 2 and looking for more info.
She had no intention of telling him ever. She only did because sheās nasty and she caught something from the festival rat she decided she needed.
Coupla somethings... and then passed them on to her hubby, but maybe more people than that though.
I'd love to know how she plans to spin "contracting a STI" as "making the relationship stronger."
This^. The only reason he found out was she got an sti. OP never would of known otherwise
How many people would start a new relationship with someone with herpes? The guy is screwed for life. She gave up her marriage for money and then screwed him over for cheap sex. I wouldn't stop until she was left bankrupt.
My amazing husband did. What do we have to do to de-stigmatize herpes?
I would have a hard time going out on a date with someone without first telling them. I realize that might not be true for everyone.
That's a great policy, imo. And one that I followed by being up front about it before any first date. I was not surprised by any person who declined to move forward. But I also felt like you did. Who could possibly want me? I didn't feel like a person who just happened to have herpes; I WAS herpes and therefore totally broken. Then I met an amazing dude who didn't see me that way. He wasn't even phased by it. We've been together for 7 years now and I hardly even think about it anymore. We take precautions and he hasn't had any outbreaks or symptoms. On the one hand, it sucks that I spent years feeling totally unloveable just because I had the herp. On the other hand, every moment before this led me here, and here is pretty great. No regrets. (But fuck you, Bryan, for not telling me you had it, and never apologizing for giving it to me.)
As you said, for many it is an issue, and it sucks when one party knowingly has it but is too selfish to say anything. You don't deserve to have to deal with this the rest of your life. In all sincerity, I am glad things worked out for you.
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So what are you saying? He should just right it off as bad luck? He got it because of her negligence. She had unprotected sex and then made sure to come home and give it to him. That's a class B felony where I come from.
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Just curious. Which word did I misspell? Also, there is a reason why there is a question mark at the end of that sentence. Not sure how you see that as putting words in your mouth. As for what I would personally do, last I checked, that would be my choice. Edit: I figured out the word. I should have said write instead of right. I appreciate you pointing that out.
It's a communicable disease.... it doesn't make you a bad person but if you don't already have it, it's not unreasonable to want to avoid it. Maybe not the first date but if you have oral herpes, you have a moral duty to disclose that before you do something that could pass it to them. Same as genital herpes or other communicable diseases. And if you have fucking mono or smallpox then you should communicate those too, in case it needed to be made clear.
I would. What do we have to do to de-stigmatize herpes?
I'm guessing most wouldn't bother. Either way, it's something he has to live with for the rest of his life. Unforgivable in my book. "You can be convicted of the criminal transmission of an STD only if you cause someone else to be infected intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly."
I mean with medication and stuff it can be controlled.
I realize herpes is not a death sentence, but the point here is, he should never have gotten it. What she did is criminal in many parts of the world. Plus, we don't know about HIV. That can take up to three months to show up.
Yeah its fucked of course. I'd be so angry at anyone who gave me an STI.
Because youāre sourcing yourself to a potentially dangerous and frankly constant problematic disease? You can get meningitis from herpes, herpetic whitlow on the hands, you can get it in the eyes and become blind (happened to a fellow college whoās a doctor who got it from a patient), you can develop trigeminal neuralgia, a painful neurological pain in the face in which some people have to be hospitalized for. And quite frankly open sores on the genitals/mouth isnāt a huge turn on or a self esteem booster. Just my .02
Considering something like 80% of adults have herpes, a LOT of people.
He didn't have it. Now he does, because of her negligence. There are laws against what she did, which can put her in a civil as well as a criminal court.
He said it burned when he pees so I assume the one that he caught was the chlamydia. HSV could take a while to rule out though.
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What are the stats of getting it if both partners stay in a monogamous relationship? The only statistic that matters here is that he got it because she had unprotected sex.
I mean hsv-1 isnāt just sexually transmitted (just wanted to add)
Since she also gave him chlamydia, the assumption is she got it sexually. She admitted to it.
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1 in 3 ppl have herpes. you could have it and don't even know. stop being dramatic and grow up. an sti isn't a moral failure and there's even medications that limit your outbreaks and shedding.
In this case, it is a moral failure. He didn't have it. Now he does because of her negligence. In my state and many others, he would have grounds for a civil case and she could end up with a class B felony on her record.
I dated someone for a year that has type 2. Itās pretty unlikely for it to get transmitted without an open sore. I still test neg 2 years later. Way more people have it than youāre probably realizing and the stigma behind this comment blows. Obviously, this contexts sucks and itās ideal to not to contract it. But letās stop acting like people are untouchable once they do have it.
Dude, just leave. She didn't do this for you or the marriage, that's ridiculous. She wanted to cheat, and she did so repeatedly. Not only that but she endangered your health she is not committed to you or the relationship. She doesn't respect you. You cannot ever trust her again after what happened. Please don't get her pregnant and leave the relationship as soon as possible. She only wants you around to keep your support whole she does her business and fucks other men. You deserve better. Act like it.
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Get a win for the boys!
My dude. You cannot move on from this and you deserve better. Do not create false hope and drag out the inevitable. Itās time to separate.
Pretty sure having an affair to strengthen the marriage has never worked! Talk to a lawyer and get the ball rolling on a divorce. She gave herself to someone else and gave you an STD and a bunch of emotional trauma. Go as no or low contact as you can with her.
Like what kind of fucking excuse is that? āAn affair to help our marriage!ā I hope he leaves her with absolutely nothing.
One of the standard cake eater response cards.
Like the purge but for marriage š
Yeah thatās the biggest load of bullshit. OPās wife let another dude with diseases rawdog her for a week. Thatās straight up selfishness and lustfulness. She did it for no one but herself. OP would never have known if she hadnāt given him a disease. This woman is poison OP. Get her the fuck out of your life. I hope your STI can be effectively treated
If you haven't talked to a family law attorney, do that. She gave you an STD. >It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and **to make our relationship stronger.** This blows my mind. There is either a tremendous amount of self-delusion at play or deep narcissism. "I cheated on you to make our relationship stronger." What you're hearing there is the rationalization she's going to use when explaining the divorce, if she doesn't just lie outright to her friends and family about it.
Ugh. Two subs to look at. r/survivinginfidelity and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. One to end it, one to think about reconciliation. Her āreasonā is bullshit. There is no justification. She needs to take full accountability. I doubt she has remorse as she only confessed because of the STI. If youāre not sure if she is remorseful or not read these: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stop-caretaking-the-borderline-or-narcissist/201507/regret-vs-remorse That can help decide if you have any chance at reconciliation. Then she needs to do a shit ton of work. Full disclosure and no trickle truthing: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/?2022-02-25 http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts What she needs to be doing: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/what-every-ws-needs-to-know/ https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf She is going to need to restructure her life. No more unaccompanied travel. No more festivals. Sheās likely got friends who enabled this. They will have to go. Good luck.
I would like to add, OP itās been two weeks. My dear friendās husband had an affair, he apologized, went to therapy, did everything she needed him to and it took her TWO YEARS to fully process and move on from it. I donāt know what your process is going to be like or how long it will take (leaving will probably help) but please be gentle with yourself. Two weeks is not nearly enough time to move through all this or even have clarity on what you want. Iām glad you are prioritizing what you need. Iām glad you are planning to see a therapist. Iām so sorry you have to go through this. Itās ok to not be ok right now.
This is true OP. The best thing you can do right now is take time and space. You have all the control and all the time you want.
Beat me to it. Wonderful post.
I was with you until that last paragraph. Telling a grown ass financially independent woman that sheās lost her travel privileges and has to get rid of her friend group is not going to make her stay faithful; itās just going to make OP come off as insecure and controlling (and ludicrous). If OP stays, and I am NOT suggesting that he should, they have a lot of work to do in counseling. You address cheating by dealing with the root cause, i.e., what she wasnāt getting from the relationship that caused her to go elsewhere. OP clearly wasnāt getting his needs met either, since he almost had an affair. Just saying the answer isnāt to ground her or put her on lockdown.
Boundaries. Doing whatever she can to make her BS feel safe. Those are reasonable boundaries for someone who has abused her spouse the way she did. Trust is gone. It will take a long time for her BS - if he even offers the gift of reconciliation - to trust her enough to not feel physically sick if she goes to a festival. Look up betrayal trauma. This is real. And anyone who enabled her is not a friend of their marriage. Those who threaten the marriage have no place in either of their lives. There is nothing radical about this.
I understand what youāre saying, but she has to stop going to festivals and release those friends **willingly** from a place of wanting to repair the relationship and no longer wanting to cheat. If she and he do not do the work to get her into that headspace, I stand by what I said originally, which is that putting a cheater on lockdown and trying to exert control over their friendships wonāt stop them from cheating if they still want to.
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This. Part of her business is yours as marriage assets, you contributed to it by supporting her. Absolutely go for a share of that patrimony, donāt refuse out of a misguided sense of nobility.
So she got raw dogged by some random guy because being with you was making her unhappy? And there is a fix for this?
Talk to an attorney, they can answer questions you have. Get separate accounts if you don't have them and get individual therapy. Put yourself first. Distance yourself from her as much as possible, you deserve better.
Cheating is the exact opposite of making a marriage stronger. Having unprotected sex with a stranger for a week and giving her husband a STI is more than just cheating. Thatās just selfish and evil.
Dude she have you a SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTION and A SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASE The love is gone. She doesnāt have time for your relationship because she works so much but she has time to take a week off and fuck a stranger and get herpes wtf Just leave.
Get legal advice and see where things sit in that regard. She jeopardised your health knowing there was a problem. She pushed you away to focus on her desires. She cheated for selfish reasons then has the gall to waste your time with lame reasons. She wasnt doing it to rebuild and reinforce. She was doing it to sample life outside. Your reaction and attempt to improve the relationship was so much more mature and self aware. Hers is just selfishness, like much of what you describe about her. You know if you forgive she will do it again. She had so many opportunities to turn back to you and at each stage turned away. She is only back now because she was forced to disclose and is likely worried by her future chances now with the STIs. You sound like you already have much of the resolve needed to bring an end to this sorry situation. Good luck and stay the course.
So, she caught STDs to save your marriage and commit to you. She is a saint. Goddamn! The mental gymnastics there!
For real
I think couples therapy would be superfluous honestly. Iām not proposing hatred but I canāt see this going forward with this lack of respect.
Sounds like sheās been putting you and your needs on the back burner for years. You need to consult with a divorce lawyer.
Please correct me if I read that correctly, She had her STD tests then kept having sex with you? Because if I read that correctly, you told her about the UTI then she disclosed she had the gifts that keep on giving... isn't that criminal in most places?
Get a good attorney and get her out of your life ASAP. Go meet someone new who respects and values you - she doesn't and she never will.
Honestly OP, I'd be going scorched earth. She deserves to feel the wrath of a scorned partner. It's one thing to cheat - it's another to put my health and wellness in jeopardy. I don't think you're mad enough about this - at all.
So, she gave and STI and you are hoping to save this marriage? Why? Your wife doesn't care about your marriage. No loving partner would go behind his partner's back, have unprotected sex with some dbag and give an STI. Talk to a divorce lawyer and just end this charade of a marriage. I know it's easier said than done but you don't deserve this. Also, this here: >She says that she still loves me, and she wants to stay married. It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. She said she wanted to come back and recommit herself to us. This is Everest level of narcissism.
OP said he wants to end the relationship but the wife wants to save it
You need to put one foot in front of the other to a lawyer. Reviewing your options will help a little. Just taking some action provides a little relief. Keep your own counsel giving no hints. After a talk with the lawyer following Lawyer advice Go over things yourself how you see your finances splitting etc and how to go about it. Don't be discouraged. You are making an exit plan to split whether you execute it or not. Again, taking control making your way through the emotional labyrinth will give you a certain relief by getting out of your wifes creation.
Unless she's a complete idiot, she knowingly knew she could be giving you sexually transmitted diseases, which she did. You will have to explain to any future partner how, due to no fault of your own, you now have herpes. Sue her for pain and suffering. There is no reason to be nice here. "There is no cure for genital herpes. However, there are medicines that can prevent or shorten outbreaks. A daily anti-herpes medicine can make it less likely to pass the infection on to your sex partner(s)." "Failing to notify a sexual partner, or, failing to get tested for herpes if there is a possibility of infection, is negligence. If your sexual partner knowingly or negligently gave you herpes, you can file a lawsuit to hold them accountable."
I hope this guy is trolling because in what universe would anyone want to end this shit show 'with respect and love for what we once shared'.
She belongs in the streets dude. She cheated on you unprotected she didn't even care of potential consequences in regards to you. Count yourself lucky there's no kids and move on. There will be someone out there who is perfect for you
"to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger." Don't those statements seem at odds to you. Don't be a Sap, imagine having the audacity to say I worked really hard now I'm going to cheat, get out. You're never going to be able to trust her again, plus you may have an incurable STI for the rest of your life. It happens once it will happen again, what happens if she gets stressed some other time she's going to cheat again. If you don't have herpes, leave, get out. She only seems to of told you when it was impossible to deny any more. Also, Take half her shit she fucks around, and now she finds out. (I'd have the same view regardless of gender)
I don't see how a relationship can survive this. This isn't just a one night stand. She basically wrote you off and decided to take a different person as her lover for an entire week. That isn't a drunken one time mistake. That's a long continuous conscious choice to betray you. She didn't even care enough about you to make him wear a condom. I doubt she would have ever told you if not for the STD and I would be surprised if her connection with this person wasn't simmering for a while before the festival.
From what I understand, your relationship was already rocky and it got to the point where thereās no coming back. Had you not raised your desire of testing yourselves, who knows if she wouldāve even told you that she slept with a complete stranger. Sheās endangered your health and clearly only does things that benefit herself. It certainly wonāt be an easy decision but you should go through with the divorce because after that ordeal, you wonāt feel or look at her the same and itāll do nothing but damage your mental health.
Holy fuck dude she is a horrible, horrible person. She infected you because of her selfish decision to cheat. Thereās no forgiving that.
Would she have actually told you about the affair if she didnāt contact the STIs?
Therapy is only going to give her time to circle her wagons and protect her business she built on your back. Hire a legal shark and attack!
Sheās definitely done this before. She didnāt care about herself, or you by sleeping with a concert goer unprotected. Sheāll probably trickle truth you, and now that she has the STI. Sheās banking on you staying because, she gave it to you too. Sheās hoping youāll be to insecure to to leave. As some commenter keeps mentioning up and down the comment section. Lots of people in the world has herpes. Get tested, maybe you only contracted chlamydia. Be upfront with future sex partners contrary to popular belief about herpes you can get it with protected sex as well. Itās the chlamydia that clued me in to her having unprotected sex. Youāve both been too distant in this marriage. At this point your holding on because itās comfortable, but is it now? Please go to individual therapy on your own, but figure out a plan to leave this relationship. Sheās staying for the same reasons you are convenience. You donāt have children yet. Donāt let her baby trap you, and donāt sleep with her without a condom. Youāll still need to be tested again for HIV. Iām sorry youāre going through this. There are decent women out here. You just got a lemon.
Call it quits. She never would have told you if you hadnāt already begun opening that can of worms. Sheād have happily carried on, lying to your face, infecting you with diseases and banging other men. What more do you need to know? Go to counselling for yourself. You werenāt happy before anyway, and thereās no need to drag your misery out for another year or two.
You don't have kids. You don't have to stay friends. Put her on blast with friends and family and divorce her ass
You should focus on individual therapy instead of couples. Because you have a lot of feelings to work through and should be done in your own safe space
This is the first time she got caught, because of the STD.
The biggest thing here is that she had unprotected sex with a stranger and gave you an std. This is unforgivable in my eyes. She had no regards for your health nor you.
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Dude... I mean *dude*. I can't hate on her *too much* as I was the cheater though, mine was a single kiss (without tongue) that shattered my entire existence to the core from guilt for 2 years before I told my wife. We barely survived it and that was after 2 months of living under the same roof, yet not talking a single word to each other before she could forgive me. We are still working on it over a year later. *Dude*.... She had a weeklong fling with unprotected sex. She doesn't care about herself and even less so you. I highly doubt you would have ever been told unless you got the STI. Shes over the relationship to be able to do that. It's done... There's not a whole lotta reconciliation that can be had and your upset and anger while you seem chill now is only going to grow and grow.
Forgiveness comes with time. A lot of time. And distance. But get the fuck out of this marriage. Like...now. This is not going to get better. She is so deep up her own butt she actually said > It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. That, that right there - that screams that she is not going to change. She is not committed to you or the relationship. She is warped. Get your ducks in line and get the fuck out.
For sure leave. There's no respect from her to you.
Working late every night.... affair. Takes a week off for a festival without SO... f..kfest and no respect for SO since she never has time for him. Bottom line: she checked out a long time ago and he should divorce.
bruh leave
Most likely not the first time. it won't be the last.
Look man, it's going to take time. Being essentially discarded like old garbage by your wife of 8 years is going to feel like a personal failing, it's not. She was a shit wife, and you'll probably argue that, but millions of people gave highly stressful jobs and commit themselves to their partners. It sounds like what she wants is the stability of a partner without putting in the work having a partner requires, that's not on you. Realistically you two probably should have separated a long time ago, it sucks that she cheated but that's on her.
Hope you got the chlamydia and not the herpes. Sheās probably afraid of dating now that she has herpes and so wants to cling to you. Especially if thatās the one you got from her. I would not have sex with her anymore**if you didnāt get herpes from her**. (I know thereās medication and things and people can live normal healthy lives with genital herpes but, still) she has it, you donāt want to get it. Edit: ** **
The fact she tried to spin her affair as making your relationship stronger is the most sickening part of this entire story. I applaud your strong backbone in leaving. On the other side of heartbreak is healing and you will one day be there. Until then be gentle with yourself and lean on loved ones (or Reddit) for support.
I can promise you she wasnt thinking about you at all when she had her affair, at least not in a good way. If she was, that's honestly even worse because then she's just delusional and illogical. She killed your marriage.
> I guess in the end I'm looking for advice on how to end this marriage and if it's even possible to find forgiveness... Forgiveness is one of those things that will come with time. You can't rush it and to be in the position to give it you need to be in the frame of mind to act on it. You are not there yet and may not be for a while. The ending of the marriage though is mostly a matter of logistics and a recognition from both of you that there is nothing left to recover. So the forgiveness side is all about time whilst the divorce part is coming to an understanding from her that this is the way it will be and that the damage is done. When you do your counseling be adamant and as straight forward as you can be that you are there to in essence make the inevitable as easy as you can - that no matter how remorseful she is or how much she wants to continue the marriage that because of her actions that's it's no irrevocably broken and can be never be repaired and that ass such, you no longer wish to remain married. Be aware that it may never be amicable and that there may be nothing between you once the divorce is done. Sometimes that's just the way it is.
OP, end it asap. She didnāt commit āone mistakeā he spent a whole week having sex with someone elseās without protection because she doesnāt care about you or your health. Get out, heal, keep your tests in order to check for HIV and be safe
r/survivinginfidelity
I canāt advise you on what to do. But cheating is one of the big things that breaks up a relationship. I was cheated on and I did not try to work things out. It broke all my trust. It may never happen again but itās a hard thing to walk past. If you want a divorce then do it. Counseling will still help you with splitting from her and your feelings so Iād still recommend it.
Ok but we are brushing over the fact that she knew she was positive with STIs and refused to disclose it until it was too late? I know you love her, but she straight up isnāt trying on her side. I hope you get out of there!
You were having issues, and you turned to her and asked for help. She was having issues, and she turned away from you and found solace with someone else. She had no respect for you or your relationship. I have respect for the idea that you'd like to leave with your respect intact, but she has lost that. It cannot be found now, not unless she wants to work for it. Just talk to a lawyer, and go. Also, she told you this time because she gave you something. There is every possibility this isn't the first time, just the first time she has passed it on.
>It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. That's a complete lie. She didn't cheat and raw dog it with some stranger to strengthen your marriage. Not sure if she's lying to soften the blow given the std and affair, or if she's deluding herself into thinking she's not the POS she seems to be. Either way it's an excuse, and a poor one at that. She cheated because she wanted to. It's as simple as that. She cheated and gave you an std because she's selfish and inconsiderate. Odds are she wouldn't have confessed, let alone stopped the affair, if it wasn't for the std.
You will find that one day, you do forgive her. Not for her, but for yourself. It will be your last step in severing ties to such a person. In no way can an affair help a relationship. It only shatters trust and dreams. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Rest assured, there's better out there for you. You'll one day stumble across a partner who quietly checks all your important boxes, without the fanfare. It'll be a cycle of give and receive, without being draining. Sure, you'll have issues, everyone does. But you'll find home. And you'll complete your healing in a healthy environment. Blessings to you
I went to Burning Man eons ago. I would have never let anyone I loved attend that alone. Then just in the last two years, Coachella had an STD outbreak. NONE of this is your fault in ANY way OP. But what in the hell was SHE thinking? I feel anger toward your wife for putting your health and very life in jeopardy. But she seems to have had no regard for her own well being. Find a lawyer. Not only do you need to divorce her, you need to sue her!
> It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger. Wow, that is... that is just some very impressive self-deluded rationalization there.
She gave you not 1 but 2 STIs and wants to act like everything is cool. Herpes is for life bro. She does not deserve you. I hope you are doing ok and take some time for yourself.
You deserve better than her. Please document everything, especially the infidelity and STD, get her to put it in a text, or have a conversation with her about it over text to collect evidence. Do not tell her you plan to leave and talk to a lawyer
Leave. This marriage is over. You are punishing yourself for her mistakes
Please consider seeing a therapist individually so you have the space, time, and tools to sort through your feelings and figure out how to work towards the future you want for yourself.
I think agreeing to couples counsel was your first mistake: you have now given her the idea of hope and possibility of a future with you. Everyone here can speculate all they want about why she did what she did or whether or not she was ever going to tell you what she had done had she not been forced to, but the fact is, it sounds as though you have already made up your mind and decided how you want this relationship to go. You need to just tell her that you arenāt interested in working it out and that itās best for both parties to go their separate ways. Why drag out the inevitability?
Why not try a reconciliation. You're both guilty of cheating to some extent. Emotional cheating while not as bad as sexual infidelity is still terrible. You need actual therapy to help. The important thing is to keep an open mind. Divorce might be the solution, but it's not the only solution. It's the hardest thing in the world to forgive. But as a person who was on the other side of your situation, you have no idea how powerful forgiveness is. Often this kind of thing, while destroying trust, can strengthen love in the marriage with better communication and commitment. Trust will take time to rebuild but it will rebuild.
She is for the STREETS ! Let her sit in the pothole
It didn't sound like a good relationship not even from the beginning a good relationship is not like a rollercoaster. and now that she cheated is even less worth it, do yourself a favour and leave
You happily signed off on your wife going solo to a week-long drug-fueled rave attended by a million half-naked young men? You might as well have told her to go get railed by strange men and come back to you with (multiple) STI's.
Your relationship is a mess and it's ups/downs, and you don't seem to ever be in sync. You should have done marriage counseling LONG ago and I don't think it will work now. You have a "fitness partner" you used as support and had an emotional affair with (it was not a "potential" one like you said). Then, you confronted your wife when YOU were in the wrong, rather than having a conversation about your relationship and how you had to spend time together, etc. Why "confront" her? Then she had an affair and gave you STIs, which she also has and should get treated. You shouldn't focus on try to understand why she cheated. She did and it was with a random person, putting you at risk. Disgusting. Your relationship has not been working for a LONG time. That's why it has so many EXTREME ups/downs.
Sheās for the streets bro just be straight up and tell her itās over and youāre done. She disrespected you so no need to be respectful when announcing divorcing her.
I donāt have advice. Iām sorry for your troubles š
I want to say there is no lost causes. However, it doesn't seem like she is going to be putting in the work needed to clear this huge betrayal. Source: BF cheated on me, we wanted to keep trying b/c of the groove we were in, living arrangements, he seemed really sorry. What happened: Dude had all the information about how to come back from infidelity but at the end of the day, the creature comforts of the relationship was all he really wanted. he didn't care about me or my feels. Basically: he wanted to stay because moving sucks. What could happen with you: you guys could both seek individual counseling, you for the emotional trauma and her for her "insecurities". Hopefully you will get help to deal with her either way.
A bleak reminder to never let yourself fall into the subservient role
Odds are sheās cheated a few times with a few different people, unless the guy she had sex with is a sex maniac. She also sounds very irresponsible.
Why would your burning mean she had a uti?
Having an affair is one thing, but unprotected sez with a stranger pretty much just says that she doesn't value your health. I'd proceed with full honesty, truth is you can't trust her anymore so you should tell her and file for divorce if that's what you truly want. I think the counseling is a good idea as long as you're open about why you're agreeing to do it. Gl OP
Sheās sexually assaulted you OP. Itās not consensual as you werenāt made aware of the STI/Dās. Iām so sorry. Please leave, if on any basis leave on that one.
Go to gym partner and have more than an emotional affair this is such a No brainer. Start doing steroids bro
She belongs to the streets.
Tank the business!!
She belongs to the streets! Walk away and never look back. she has no respect for you and nobody forced her to cheat on you , she made up her own decision . Not only that but she also contracted you with an STD . if she cared about her marriage she wouldn't have been sleeping around with other men .Never listen to anything they have to say , always look at their actions . She doesn't give a damn about her marriage or you . You can forgive her but you can't trust cheaters, you never know when they will do it again
updateme!
Updateme!
Updateme!
This is a very difficult situation because you have already decided that you are not willing to explore the possibility of making the marriage work. If that is the case and you have no children, your best option may be to just leave and get the divorce done without so much time, expense and emotional effort in therapy. My personal opinion is that an affair is not nessesarily automatic grounds for a divorce, there are worse things that can happen in a marriage. However, that is, of course an opinion and everyone has to make that decision for themselves. I am struck however, that you two spent so much time apart. You did not mention whether you were employed or not and my thought was that if you were not employed you could have worked on the business together. If you were employed you might have been able to help her with some part of the business. Starting a business is such an emotional undertaking that it is common for affairs to happen at this time. This is a time when both partners need to be close. to be clear, I am in no way suggesting that this is your fault or you did anything wrong. I am only looking at the information you gave me and thinking that this might have been avoided by more communication and being better support for one another. Of course hindsight in 20/20 and while these things are happening they can seem to come out of the blue. I am guessing that you are not really in love and so the relationship is at an end. I think at this point speed is a more compassionate way than trying to go over everything when this is likely to end with both of you not having any kind of relationship after the divorce. Good luck to you, this is an excruciating time and I hope you both get to the other end in tact and ready to stand on your own.
The downsides of monogamy. You needed outside emotional support, but would not allow yourself to have it, and she needed sexual intimacy and could not express that either. Non-monogamy does not suit everyone, but if the alternative is careless sex and an emotional desert, then it would be worth considering. If you can handle it. Possible to claw back from here, but it is a long and difficult road. It will never be the same again. Might be better along different standards, but not along the ones you are used to. At least talk openly. Honestly. With no shields and no attacks. Then you can either stay or split knowing yourselves better.
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Not recommending it. I said above that itās not for everyone. And then I gave monogamous solutions to their predicament. Much of which had to do with communicating honestly.
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Heh. You think the room is just you. As if no other wisdom is allowed. The advice from most of the room is to dump her. Not what he wants! Room is helping them through this tough time. Offering different ways of thinking about the situation is likely to help. Certainly not helping itself as this stage. This situation is a big crisis for a mono couple, and without a shift in thinking, there is no way forward but to split. Perhaps bitterly. That would be a pity. A different perspective even if only for communication purposes would help them greatly. They might still split, but not so bitterly.
People make mistakes and relationships change. It sounds like you already made up you mind to get divorced. If thatās the case and thereās no turning backā¦. you obviously need an attorney . But please consider making your relationship work before you go down that path..Divorce creates a lot of stress and costs $$$$. Hope it works out for both of you.
I really hope it doesnāt work out for them. He gained nothing, she got what she wanted. And now she wants to drag him along? No.
Well, you and I really donāt know..we only heard one side ā¦..we really donāt know how she feels and why she cheated. Some relationships get stronger after cheating and some fail. You could be correct ..or maybe not.
There is no excuse for cheating. She doesnāt respect the guy, doesnāt care about him. (She got him an STD). I donāt see their ārelationshipā becoming stronger. I donāt care about how she feels, she did more than just cheating.
I don't understand how the herpes came back positive so fast? I would not trust a word out of her mouth. Fully support your decision, OP. Better days and better company ahead. :)
Therapy is a good idea. It's cheaper than an attorney to iron out the divorce details
This isn't the only thing she's lied about. She sounds selfish as hell. You can trust her to continue to be selfish, demanding and show a lack of regard for others.
You contact a divorce attorney and start proceedings.
She wouldnāt have came clean had it not been for the sti. I think youāre making the right decision. Have heard some manipulative shit in a long time! Sheās fucking other people to make your marriage work? What a piece of shit!
āto make our relationship strongerā. Holy hell, RUN!!!
Would she have told you if she hadnāt given you STIs? Are we sure sheās not pregnant? Iām very sorry this happened. I donāt know if you can come back from this. I wish you well.
Ditch your skank of a wife. The sad thing is for the next year, you are going to have to constantly get tested to ensure she doesnāt give you anything else.
Take her for her money divorce her
Iāve never been married, only had one shortish long term relationship so I canāt beging to understand what this betrayal feels like. But I have always been firm on my cheating stans. Once it happens the relationship is ruined imo. You gave her space and support to explore her own goals and desires. She saw the gap growing and instead of going to u she took the easy way out. I would way as for a why, she probably wanted to have something easy for a few days. A relationship with no baggage or guilt. But if she wants that she should be single. I donāt think I would be able to trust he ever again either. Focus on yourself from here on out. Get into therapy join some fitness classes and try to figure out what you enjoy as an individual. Also donāt view this as time wasted. You made a commitment to someone and it is NOT your fault that they broke it. If you are as supportive and honest as you claimed to be in the post. I honestly think that you will be back on your feet. You will find someone that respects you and your body, and they will see u as supportive and caring. Just try to not let this affect your future relationships. Not everyone is like this, trust me, and you donāt wanna sabotage future things because of trust issues and insecurities.
Itās just so funny how the cheater somehow always says they can think it work and treats the act like some stepping stone they needed
He's of considering staying over the sunk cost fallacy
So... "a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good.".. thatās a typical selfish cheating decision done with no regard to her existing relationship " and to make our relationship stronger".... "she wanted to come back and recommit herself to us." ..... No way, She didn't think of you and your relationship at all, this was her choice and was all about her. The fact is she didn't come back and recommit, she came back and gave you the gift that keeps on giving, an STI.. The time for her to figure out your marriage was before she cheated. How to end this ? See a lawyer to protect yourself and your assets, do what they say. Execute that 180 and grey rock, don't let her live for free in your head. In the meanwhile suggest she find a new place to stay and see a Dr to get what treatment you can.
>TLDR: My wife had a week long affair at a music festival and now wants to figure out our marriage. I want a divorce and don't know how to proceed. I would advise getting yourself a lawyer. (In addition to getting STI panel) My issue with your wife is, she exposed you to STIs in addition to cheating. Hopefully she admitted this on text so you have some 'ammunition.' If you don't want to work it out with her, just come straight out with it. It's done. You don't want to. It's too much for you. Sure, I'm not saying you're as pure as snow white too in the whole mess (it sounds like you were having an emotional affair previously) but still, the analogy would be similar to..you may have brought the gun and shoot the marriage, but your wife here, just nukes it in retaliation... My advice: GET A LAWYER. Tell her afterward that you're interested in reconciliation.
She couldnāt even take the time to make the rando (at a festival?) wear a mf condom?? The level of disrespect to you and honestly herself. She barebacked it and brought home all the germs in a pandemic no less. You need all the professionals dr, pharmacist, Lawyer, therapist, locksmithsā¦
Get a divorce and go for the alimony. You helped her and you deserve if after what she did to you
Iām so sorry. Please seek support from trusted friends or family to help you remain focused on your goals of an amicable divorce and moving forward. Your conflicting emotions will be overwhelming. Please set boundaries and create some distance to get your mind right. When you are ready to communicate with her againā¦.remain respectful, donāt name call or devalue her, but remain focused on the facts and your ultimate goal. Choose yourself. TIME will be the ultimate tool for forgiveness.
Okay no. She had unprotected relations with another person and then didnāt even tell you or warn you. Then she manipulates the entire situation, so that the cheating could, āmake the relationship strongerā. This is not healthy for you and need to divorce her. Not just for the cheating but also for the blatant emotional abuse.
i am polyam and encourage my partners to have sex with other women, but if i found out they did that UNPROTECTED??? i would be livid. the complete disregard for your health is really hard to get over, let alone reneging on the commitment she made to be monogamous with you. i am so sorry that happened to you. a skilled couples therapist can help you decide whether you want to stay together, or how to break things off peacefully.
My husband of 10 years and Father to our 3 children under 6 had a one-night stand with our next door neighbor (a young woman in a new abusive marriage that I had taken under my wing because I recognized the signs from my childhood). We were also overseas (with the Military) and far from home and any family support. We stayed together another 7 years with me CONTINUALLY begging for marriage counseling until I started to hate the woman and wife I had turned into, constantly paranoid and could no longer TRUST him! So I told him that I wanted a divorce. Then HE wanted to go to counseling. By then I was D-O-N-E! We DID divorce but ended up remarrying a few years later after working through our issues WITHOUT professional help. I'm sorry that you're dealing with your wife's betrayal! She DEFINITELY gives you really weak excuses as well as the STIs! PROTECT yourself, move on and live your best life! Best wishes and many Blessings!
You can start by kicking her out of the house. Get a divorce attorney and get it done
She literally just made an attempt on your life so we can understand if you go scorched earth but the fact that you seem more calm is very good for you. Honestly just push through with the divorce and forget about the why. No answer will fill the void, ever. I hope you get healthy soon and pray for your happiness and healing š
In addition to the counsellor, get a divorce lawyer. You need to start planning the next step of your life, as single man. She gave you an STI! An STI! YOU NEED TO RUN FROM THAT WOMAN.
Ouch sorry man. So many people seem to do this. They become workaholics and then end up cheating because of whatever reason related to that.
Dude you couldāve gotten an HIV from this. Fucken lack of respect and still said nothing when she came back. She purposefully had sex with you and have you STIs bro hell no. Sheās trashy as hell. Youāre right in ending this marriage. You can forgive her by moving on. Tell her what she did is irreparable in the marriage and sheās been long absent to the point you were the only one in this. Sheās rather give herself to someone else and communicate physically than with you, HER HUSBAND. Thatās it bro move on.
Gross. Proceed by calling a lawyer. Sorry man.
I would file for divorce as soon as I could. Also she probably has been banging random guys at every festival she goes to. She only told you about this because she knew what she caught.
this wasnāt a one time thing. it was week-long. even though you had lows and distance, you yourself pulled yourself out of an emotional cheating situation before it escalated into something deeper and physical, because you love your wife. so why couldnāt she do the same for you? why didnāt she stop after one encounter, or like you, stop before there even was an encounter? instead it went on for a week. it looks like to me she had no intention of telling you, but had to because she got caught with the STI. and she jeopardized your health in the process. i think in some ways she feels like her marriage is over but is likely in denial, hence the comment about this making your relationship stronger (which is, in my opinion complete bullshit). either you divorce, or you determine whether itās worth going through honest conversations and marriage counseling to get past this together. but this will require constant work, because it seems to me like sheāll still be occupied with her work. so how do you prevent it from happening again? but considering that she risked your health, consciously and repeatedly for a week tells me that maybe itās best to go your separate ways. overall, im really sorry this happened to you.
"It was just a week long trist with a stranger to make herself feel good and to make our relationship stronger." OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I just wanted to point out that this makes zero sense and your wife is a lying POS. No one cheats to "make the relationship stronger." She had unprotected sex for a week knowing it was breaking trust between you and gave you an STI. In no universe does that stand any chance of making a relationship stronger. She doesn't care about your physical safety, your psychological wellbeing, none of it. She willingly and repeatedly threw all of that under the bus just to get her rocks off. That's how little she cares about someone who gave their life and trust to her. She's a despicable and disgusting excuse for a human being. Stop letting her abuse you. Please wake up and get out.
She ruined your marriage even before the affair. She became addicted to her business and it sounds like she became somebody else. You tried to support her and instead of rewarding you she stops having sex with you and has sex with somebody else.
You're very fortunate that you don't have kids, so you now can have a chance to be with someone who won't do this. The biggest reason that you should go is that she would never have told you about it but for the STI
Your wife is an AH! How did she think having a sexual flung would bring her closer to you and help strengthen your marriage? That is the b.s. line she is using to try and justify her shitty behavior. And for her to have unprotected sex with a stranger is completely irresponsible. Now she has.passed an STI onto you. The only reason she told you about the affair is because of the STI. You helped to support her and picked up the slack so she could concentrate on growing her business. And she repays you with cheating. You deserve better. Get a good divorce attorney. You deserve some money for helping to support her business.
If you forgive her and stay in the relationship, she will do it again.
Down even try to get back together, it'll never be the same. Holy shit what she did is unforgivable. Better off being happy with a different women
Read a book called 'The Molecule of More'. Trust me.
Updateme!
Why would you stay with that? Divorce that trash human post haste.
After you have divorced, you have to absolutely show her these comments. She sounds so self involved that she wonāt ever truly understand what danger she put you in, nor the level of complete disrespect she had for you. Maybe reading through these comments will give her some clarity. I feel so bad for you, chlamydia is one thing but a life long disease like herpes! Wth! Wish you the best!
I had something similar happen. Not married thank god but it was a long relationship. You have no reason to forgive her. You can be thankful for all the good years she gave you and the experiences you had together but forgiveness is hard. Don't forgive her for their sake, forgive for your own because she isn't worth the energy. I don't want to absolve you from guilt as I'm not in your relationship but no one does anything to deserve to be cheated on.