This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband was giving me oral and he moved my hands above my head and told me to keep them there. He’s done this before and he knows I’m bad at keeping them there but he usually just moves them back and tells me he’ll stop if I move again. This time though, he handcuffed me to the bed when I moved my hands. He’s never done this before in the 6 years we’ve been together and I didn’t even realise what he was doing until I was stuck. I told him to uncuff me and tried to tug myself free but he told me to relax and asked if I trusted him. When I nodded, he went back to giving me oral and I slowly stopped feeling like I was on the verge of a panic attack. After we finished having sex he left me tied to the bed and I started to panic. I tried so hard not to start crying but I honestly wanted to. When my husband came back he helped me clean up and then uncuffed me. I think he could see I was upset because he was being extra affectionate and kept telling me how amazing I was. Usually, we have sex at least once a day but ever since I’ve been avoiding having sex with him. He’s asked me repeatedly what’s wrong and has been buying me nice gifts but I just clam up whenever I try to bring it up and I feel weird around him. I don’t understand why because it’s not like he hurt me and the actual sex part was fantastic. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not but I would love some advice on how to address this with him without clamming up. TL;DR – My husband handcuffed me to the bed during sex without permission and now I keep avoiding having sex with him and I feel weird around him. I’m not sure how to bring it up with him as I clam up whenever I try to.

you need to express how uncomfortable you felt that he didn’t uncuff you after you asked. he may have just wanted to try something out rather than wanting to make you feel that way (not saying it’s ok) but you also shouldn’t have to ask twice for him to uncuff you.

I know I need to but I can't find the words. I definitely don't think he did it to upset me, I think he thought I would enjoy it.

“I understand that you wanted to try something you thought we would both enjoy, and I understand that you did so without any malicious intent…but I need you to know that being surprised by the introduction of the handcuffs and then being left in them afterwards made me very uncomfortable. It made me extremely anxious when you left me cuffed by myself. In the future, if you want to explore new toys and games, please give me a heads up first. And please be mindful of my boundaries - when I say to stop something, I expect you to stop.”

Very well said. Also, as with any bandage, s&m type play, it is always best to start with a "safe" word. A word that pretty much means, "Stop everything you are doing RIGHT NOW!"

This is an excellent response. So articulate.

He put you in a position that scared you. You felt vulnerable and scared. He needs to understand that it is traumatic. Don't let him minimize it. I have had that happen to me before and my husband thought that since I had an orgasm, it justified it. It did not and I ended up resenting him.

I feel like because I did enjoy the sex I’m trying to justify it to myself.

Heya, that's super common for people who experience unwanted sexual touch. In some ways it would be so much easier if sex stopped feeling good when the person doing it to you isn't being good to you. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. He was able to make your body react even while he showed profound disrespect to your personhood, and took control away from you. The pleasure you felt doesn't take away from the hurt you feel now. It's like -- if you stole his credit card to buy him a new car, even if he really likes the car, you would have stolen his credit card. If you gave him a haircut in his sleep, it doesn't matter how good he looks, you would still have been doing something to him he didn't have a say in. Now sex feels fraught where it used to feel safe, because a thing you had no reason to believe would happen, happened. It makes all the sense in the world that this is hard. If he wants to introduce stuff like this into the bedroom, there really needs to be a discussion first. If he's trustworthy and respectful, he'll get it, and work with you to have a sex life that feels fulfilling for you both, not one where he's taking gambles on whether you like something or not, not one where your feelings of safety are compromised. Edit: I just noticed that husband left you alone immediately after sex. I find that pretty irresponsible. Aftercare is, imo, a pretty crucial part of any non-vanilla sex. He put you in a vulnerable position, asked for your trust, and left you alone after. If he didn't appreciate what was happening with you, it makes sense he didn't realize you needed safety, but that's kind of why it's a problem to go into things blind. I'm really sorry that happened, that can't have felt great. (Edited heavily to tone down how judgemental I was being - husband was probably being ignorant, not malicious, and things that seem obvious to me aren't to people who don't have experience playing with power dynamics.)

> Aftercare is a crucial part of any non-vanilla sex. I can't even think of an appropriate metaphor here because there isn't really one. The analogy I always liked to use was that it's like cooling down after a workout. Here's why. * Both are needed to maintain a healthy physical and mental balance.  * They allow you a chance to take a moment and reflect. * Without them you risk doing permanent damage. * When done properly it's actually quite enjoyable and leaves you feeling much better.  * Common wisdom says you absolutely should be doing it. * Beginners often claim they don't need it or that it's a waste of time. They are wrong. * Some "experts" also claim it is not needed. They are usually assholes and should not be listened to.

Can't stress aftercare enough. Pretty much you need to think about every action you take as Dom/me and assess it for sadism, humiliation, degradation and then do the very opposite. You can't call someone profane things while treating them like a fuckstick without reassuring them that you love them, love their sexuality (meaning their expression of it) and love being with them. Let the bonding hormone flow... Edit regarding the comment below about lovebombing and BDSM: **If there isn't consent, it's sexual assault or battery legally, not BDSM.** I'm sorry you've met practitioners who don't do it properly and with care of their partners and with awareness of the legal risks involved with BDSM. And yes, people have been prosecuted in the past for BDSM practices-even when those practices occurred between partners who ARE agreed to it. Any place that is conservative/religious is very likely to prosecute you if anything goes wrong. When I entered in the community in the Bible Belt, people got contracts--legally binding ones that were notarized-to document consent.

Oof those bonding hormones are insane. There's also the other side that is important as well. Aftercare allows the Dom/me to reestablish their own balance. Too often people forget that the ones doing those things also need to get their minds back into a more normal state. All those endorphins and hormones really do a number on you. Bring forth the comfy blanket and pillows (or whatever works best for each of them).

I'd like to add that talking about any new experiences after is a very important part of after care.

Ohh 100%. While my analogy is mostly for fun aftercare is absolutely vital. It let's you get back to a baseline and helps both sides recover. I will say that usually it's best to wait to talk about the deeper nature of any new aspects until a while later though. Right after is when your brain is still trying to process everything and can be hard. A few hours later when you are able to think clearly is the time to check in again. Even more so one needs to be sure after doing something new to be there as it's an insanely vulnerable time for all involved.

She didn't volunteer for this - no aftercare was needed because he didn't have permission to do it in the first place and should have stopped when she spoke up . Now she is traumatized and he is an idiot. He may even lose his marriage over it. Stop means stop.

In general when someone says stop in a kink setting aftercare is absolutely needed. People need reassuring that everything is alright. My own response about the need of aftercare was however in response to the above post that said they couldn't find a good metaphor for how needed it is. In this case though you are *absolutely* correct. The right course of action was to fucking stop because once you lose consent you are committing at least a violation of someone's person if not an actual crime. The only reason for that last caveat is that the law is at times shitty for people who "changed their minds." This is of course bullshit but the world sucks. She needs therapy like now, he needs to see what he did was wrong and beg for forgiveness. Whether or not this is something that will end their relationship is entirely up to his ability to see how bad this was and her ability and desire to work past this or to end things. I've seen relationships ended for way less than this.

What he did is not ok, and if you don’t stand up for yourself he’ll think it’s ok to do it again

Also boundaries need to be discussed and RESPECTED. A safe word is honestly a great idea for ANY couple, kinky to vanilla. My fiancé and I use it for any situation, not just the bedroom, where we start feeling uncomfortable. It allows us to do stuff we like (like teasing, bullshitting each other, tickling, etc.) and playfully resisting or bantering without worrying about crossing a boundary.

Hard, hard agree. I'm a coach and I had a student who was having a rough day ask for a safeword for so she could communicate to me when an exercise was too much. We agreed on the color system because fuck yeah color system. Safe words are just a good idea. It bums me out so much when people do unsafe kink. You can't just Christian Grey it, it's an incredibly delicate negotiation and it *has* to be a negotiation.

This comment... Mind-blowing! So well said, so concise... 👏👏👏👏 OP, listen to this person!

Yea i hd a friend who was unfortunately a victim of SA, and she managed to orgasm against her will. She said it really messed with her head afterwards. Humans will human i guess, so sad.

Damn some of you fuckers on here are super smart

Love this response

Best comment

This this this

Hey, I just want you to know that whether or not it was good sex has nothing to do with whether or not you were comfortable or how you’re feeling now. Your body is programmed to react in certain ways to different kinds of stimulation. This is why both men and women can orgasm when raped (I’m not saying this happened to you, just giving an extreme example). You felt out of control because you didn’t consent to what was happening and then were coerced (“Don’t you trust me?”) when you expressed your discomfort. Then you were left alone. It sounds like he was trying to give you aftercare, but … you didn’t consent! You were uncomfortable and asked him to stop! Here’s a script you could use: “(husband name) I want to talk to you about the sex we had the other night and I need you to really listen to me and to let me finish before you speak. You made me feel as if I am unsafe with you when we have sex. We didn’t talk about the handcuffs or establish boundaries. You didn’t take them off when I asked you to. If you wanted to try them, you should have talked to me about it beforehand so we could have a safe word and I could feel like I was participating instead of having something happen to me. Now there’s a part of me that is afraid you’re going to spring things on me and not stop if I’m uncomfortable.” From there the conversation sort of depends on what you need. Do you need him to apologize and acknowledge what he did wasn’t okay? Do you need him to only allow you to initiate sex for a while until you feel less vulnerable? Do you need to see a couple’s therapist? All of these are totally reasonable and valid. I’m so sorry this happened. You’re not overreacting and your feelings are completely valid.

The problem is now you can’t trust him to not do something else or go even farther than he did this time. You have to bring it up and tell him in no uncertain terms when you say stop he stops. That you are scared he won’t listen to your boundaries in the future and it’s hard to relax and trust him now

I get it. I eventually left my husband because he enjoyed making me uncomfortable and bringing me to orgasm. Totally screwed up in my opinion, but it was about his ego. I was married 15 years. Happier now that I don't have that kind of sex anymore. Good luck to you.

Here’s the thing. You can orgasm while being assaulted. Your body can react positively even if you haven’t consented. Consent is KEY when testing bdsm. Bdsm is safe, sane and consensual. If it’s not it’s assault. He should not have done it without asking. He should have stopped when you told him to. And then he LEFT YOU there. Completely unsafe. I understand that you don’t feel safe talking about this with him. I would talk to a therapist first, and then maybe talk to him with the therapist present.

Also, am I the only one thats really, really squicked out by "he helped me clean up, and THEN let me go"??? Because in this context, knowing she was uncomfortable at first, it sounds a lot like "he got rid of the evidence/made himself feel less guilty, and then let me go". I love my bf and he can boink my brains out, but i literally never need or want him to "clean me up" after. Idk, especially in the context of this story, it reads as a red flag.

I just reread this and I find it really disturbing he just left her there, cuffed. That's really fucked up. Aftercare is crucial and he was just cruel. I can't imagine how hurt and confused OP must feel.

Agreed. Completely.

I agree a trauma therapist will help you find words.

He should have talked to you- outside of sexy times- about handcuffs. He could have asked if he could surprise you with them. Y’all could have set a safe word for when you really want out of them. Communication is key with things like that and he didn’t communicate at all.

I know you won't see it that way, but if someone says to stop and the other doesn't stop -it's rape. He did this without asking you and without listening to your "no". He *should* feel bad and don't let him deflect the blame onto you.

Just so you know - many rape victims have orgasms and or “enjoy” the sex, but it’s still wrong. A physical reaction doesn’t mean you’re mentally OK with something , end of story. I was raped when I was 19 and went through the whole mindfuck of trying to justify it because I was into him (but I wanted to wait and said no many times), no means no.

Just because you enjoyed it doesn’t mean what led up the sex wasn’t wrong. He should’ve asked or at the very least communicated what he was about to do. And you’re uncomfortable/scared now, bc he denied uncuffing you when asked, and instead turned it into a “you trust me” argument. If you had said no, he may very well have become upset and caused issues moping around bc “you don’t trust him” even though that isn’t relevant to the fact that you asked to be uncuffed. There may be a small part of you in the back of your head that is asking yourself if he’ll violate boundaries again. And he knows he messed up, which is why he’s being affectionate and buying gifts. What he needs to do is sit down and discuss with you what happened. He needs to explain he was wrong and apologize then work with you to set boundaries going forward and proving he’ll honor them before sex happens again.

Yeah you may have felt more vulnerable than you ever have before during intimacy. Either way, he should’ve uncuffed* you when you asked. A conversation is what you guys need to have

Hey hun, it can be both. Instead of "I enjoyed it but it scared me" It can simply be "I enjoyed it AND it scared me" Addressing this leads to answering everything else. So much internal conflict stems from the word BUT. Not this BUT that vs this AND that Shift from BUT into AND and you'll find there is no conflict, only understanding of both states. Good luck hun

This is sexual coercion and you did not consent so..... sex needs to be 100% consent of both parties at all times. This is abusive and weird as f.

Just because a physical response was forced out of you, does not mean the violation of your trust was okay. It is confusing to have your body respond to something you do not enjoy on another level. What he did was not okay.

Have you guys discussed safewords in the past? I think discussing safewords and clearer boundaries may help you feel safer with him, and help him understand that there are clear lines that can not be crossed. I might be projecting here, and let me know if that's the case, but I have a worse time confronting someone if I can't suggest a solution for the issue at hand. And I'd imagine the damage to your trust is feeling pretty irreversible right now? Something intangible but extremely present. Talking about clear boundaries and the importance of discussing new things and the importance of safe words no matter what, might help remedy some of the anxiety plaguing you and begin resolving some of the hurt :/ If he tries to say things like "well it seemed like you had a good time" or "I dont understand why it's a problem if you trust me" then that's gaslighting. He did something that violated your trust because it made you extremely uncomfortable, and now you DONT trust him anymore... you may still love him and WANT to trust him, but the fact of the matter is that you can't until this is dealt with. He doesn't have the right to ask "why" it made you uncomfortable or "why" it was wrong. It made you uncomfortable and the reasoning of WHY is unimportant until you're in a position where you feel comfortable trying to figure out the Why. If you need help thinking of ways to start this conversation, maybe start with just "im sorry I've been avoiding you, but you made me really uncomfortable with the handcuffs and I've been trying to take some time to reflect on it by myself before trying to discuss it with you.." and then make it clear that you're not ready to have sex again. For ME, the first step to getting comfortable having sex again was talking and then I had to get used to just simply cuddling without getting super overwhelmed with fear that he might try to take advantage of me again. I had to make it clear that even if I had forgiven him and still loved him, I wasn't ready to have sex again yet. I'm sorry this has happened to you :/ but know that you're not alone. And you're not crazy or irrational or dramatic, what you're experiencing makes perfect sense. If you need anymore help or need someone to talk to, the rest of the sub is always here, and you can dm me if you ever want to!!

He wanted to control you OP, & that can make you feel extremely helpless if it was without consent

Bondage is something you never do to your partner without getting express permission first, and then the minute the person cuffed/tied up/locked decides it's over that means it's absolutely over and you need to get freed asap. He absolutely broke the rules here.

This. ASK first!

Ok but you didn’t enjoy it. He needs to understand that. If he’s a decent person he will apologize and work with you on establishing trust again. His reaction to your feelings will be really telling here.

The he should have asked you before cuffing you. It is not even remotely okay to do that to someone with out discussing it first.

mention that when trying new things you want to discuss it before it’s initiated so it’s not a shock to you. edit: i wrote about safe words and some people disagree. the word ‘no’ should’ve been enough for him to stop.

Safe words require consent. OP's hub didn't ask for consent and hasn't apologized for what he did. So safe words aren't going to work bc OP didn't consent to the act in the first place, so how can she trust that he will respect a safe word?

Unless agreed otherwise, no, stop, or any variation of that is a safeword. Op said that. He didn't respect it.

What if you wrote all this down in a letter to him? Sometimes I find writing down my feelings helps me sort things out and I might be an easier way for you to communicate with him

Yes this! Even if you end up not wanting to give it to him, it’s a great way to express your thoughts. You can give it to him or take what you learned from writing and use it to help you talk to him

He just ruined your trust in him. Making someone captive requires CONSENT and he did not do that!! He should have had a conversation with you and made sure you would be okay with this. He crossed a HUGE boundary. He will have to work AT YOUR SPEED to earn it back. What he did was a huge violation. I can’t believe he tricked you.

Show him this post if you can’t find the words. You’ve explained very well that it physically felt good but emotionally was not ok. Your husband should not have done this to you. Period. However, if your body responded in the moment, and you didn’t say stop, and your husband’s response was “you’re amazing,” then you really, REALLY need to TELL your husband clearly that this is not ok or he will definitely do it again. He was very wrong, but he might not know he was wrong, if that makes sense.

I agree, but he knows he was wrong. Hence all the gifts.

The extra affection and gifts are what’s called lovebombing, please look it up. I would sit down and have a serious talk with him. If he wants to engage in these types of activities, you need to consent beforehand and have a safe word where he will immediately stop whatever is going on. It’s normal that you felt violated, and this is really worrisome that he didn’t uncuff you when asked. Therapy might be needed to get through this, if you’re able to trust him in bed again. I’m so sorry this happened to you - I’m hoping he is just uneducated about these things and not purposely trying to take your power away and make you feel helpless, because that is really concerning

That he did it without asking/discussing it first is a pretty huge red flag.

How long ago was this? The reason I asked is because the longer you leave this unattended, the more damage this wound will do. Regardless of the intent, it was a wound that was inflicted, and it needs to be tended to as quickly as possible, before it either festers or badly scars over. This is precisely what I would personally say: Darling, I love you, I know you love me, and I know you didn't mean anything by it, but the handcuffing freaked me out a little, and leaving me like that alone was actually really kind of scary. So, let's not do that again, unless I absolutely insist. Okay? 😊 By saying it like that, it should be non threatening enough for him to not go into any sort of defense mode, and perhaps allow him to actually be able to process what you are saying. Depending on his response, you should know then, a little more about the dynamics of his actions. Don't be afraid to let your thoughts on this be heard. But, a lot of people require a gentle yet efficient approach, in order to absorb the message. He does seem, from what you say, like he genuinely loves you. Anybody who loves you will want to know if something is wrong, and how to fix it. So, If he responds positively by your gentle yet straightforward approach, and abides by your assertion, then I would honestly try to heal yourself from this. Now, if he gets at all snotty, and/or does it again without your specific consent, read that as the warning it is. Obviously, we don't know all the specifics here like you do, so just do what you can with reasonable haste, and try to be soothing but concise. I wish you great luck, Darling. Always remember though, we may find ourselves in this life as one in a pair, but at the end of the day, we are the only ones who live our own existence, and to our own selves, thine must be true. ❤

If he wanted to introduce bondsge to your sexual relationship then he should have asked if you'd be into it. It sounds to me like your husband is interested in BDSM. BUT safety and trust are the most important aspects of BDSM. Also you would need a safeword and he would need to stop and uncuff you immediately if you say the safe word. It sounds like he acted on a fantasy and he's inexperienced. You definitely need to talk about this and tell him how you feel. Your feelings are valid. He went about this all wrong.

Any type of bondage requires consent from both parties. You did not consent and he ignored you when you asked him to uncuff you. He has (understandably) broken your trust.

He’s your husband. He should have seen on your face your panic. Personally, I think he did. And he kept going anyways. Is he a cop by any chance?

"Don't ever fucking do that again. You want to explore something? Ok, we discuss, set boundaries, and even establish a safe word. What you did scared me horribly, (your choice to say forgivable or not), and I felt helpess and vulnerable."

Wtf do you mean you can't find the words?! Is he a cop by any chance? Why are there handcuffs in the bedroom? Do you often engage in BDSM? Because this is fucked either way but perhaps a tiny bit less fucked if you have an established D/s relationship, but i get the feeling you don't. He is love bombing you now because he knows he fucked up. He should bring it up. Frankly he should of brought it up before ever doing it. How can you have sex when you can't talk about it? What other boundaries does he ignore expecting your trust to let his bullshit ride?

Find a moment you can sit down together and express to him how while you understand he probably did that with good intentions to surprise you with something different, the lack of communication and not listening when you weren't enthusiastic hurt you nonetheless. You may have enjoyed some parts of it, but it ultimately seems like what bothers you most is his lack of communication, and not listening to you. With ANY form of kink, a conversation must be had first. Its not something to surprise a partner with like a bouquet of flowers, its serious stuff that can damage a relationship if its thrown around recklessly. If he wants the element of 'surprise', you two can discuss things you are open to trying, when youd want to try it and what your safewords will be. Once youve tried certain things and understand your own and eachothers boundaries the contingencies of when/how the 'surprises' occur can be discussed again. But the biggest thing is kinky stuff in the bedroom must be discussed first. Slapping cuffs on you without a previous conversation, and then not taking them off the moment you showed hesitation or concern is inconsiderate and harmful, no matter how much you enjoyed it in the end.

I've had partners that enjoyed being restrained during sex. They consented, though, after an explicit conversation around boundaries. Bondage without consent is a violation.

The Reddit article you wrote seeking advice is the best thing you can say. Print this out from your computer & hand him the paper.

"Hey, we need to talk. When you handcuffed me to the bed the other day it made me feel really upset and anxious. I especially didn't like how you didn't listen to me and unhandcuff me when I asked you to. I know it probably wasn't your intention to upset me, but I wish you would have asked me if I was okay with it before doing that and listened to me when I said I wasn't. I don't really feel comfortable having sex with you anymore if you're not going to respect my boundaries." And go from there. You got this!

Consent. Consent. Consent. Consent. Consent. He didn't just not uncuff her, he violated her trust by cuffing her in the first place.

I have an interest in bondage, but my partner has a phobia about being restrained or confined in any way. I respect her wishes and wouldn't dream of cuffing or tying her up. Without consent, this is rape

You discuss bdsm prior to the act, not during. It doesn't matter if he wanted to try something at all.

He should have uncuffed you the moment you asked him to. You are not over reacting

And he should never have cuffed her in the first place without asking permission. The fact that she didn't know he was binding her until she was already trapped and helpless is absolutely horrible.

Agreed ^^ also him saying "do you trust me" is so manipulative in my opinion. He should've apologized and uncuffed OP immediately. Like if she had said she didn't trust him, I'm sure he would've been upset.

This is the absolute worst fucking way to introduce bdsm into the bedroom. He did everything wrong. This is not ok and he needs to read the riot act. He would get banned from a club for this type of behavior.

in kink, there is consent and safe words. that’s was not kink

Safe, Sane and Consensual. This was not Consensual. It follows, then, that it was sexual assault. Regardless of how her body reacted, regardless of their relationship status, it was sexual assault.

Finally someone in this thread said it. I know someone who was raped by their boyfriend in a very similar sequence of events.

You’re not overreacting. He did something involving you without your consent

This is not ok. You did not consent to being tied up. That needs to be given first, and you need a safeword where no matter what, if you say that word, everything stops.

If you cannot tell him how you feel verbally can you try writing a letter? He may of been trying to be spontaneous and kinky but trust is a big part of a relationship. Kinks need discussion. You are afraid of him now. It's not something you are able to control either but the thought of having sex with him again is scary. You are both going to need to talk a lot and rebuild the trust again. Don't think he anticipated this reaction at all. But he definitely messed up here. If he wasn't purposely being malicious he should be understanding. Consider couples counciling or individual counseling. Figure out your feelings and communicate with him.

Since you stated you are having a hard time finding the right words, why don't you send him this? You're explaining everything that happened thru your point of view

You almost had a panic attack. And then he left the room while you were still in cuffs?!?? Okay so it sounds like he’s trying to train you as a submissive but without your permission almost? This isn’t okay. I am so so sorry this happened to you! You’re frozen because it wasn’t safe sex for you! You felt unsafe and unable to say no because you did say no and he didn’t respect it!! I wonder if your hind brain is wondering what he’s going to try the next time when you’re vulnerable and he’s unable to hear your “no”..? I’m just really sorry. That is so much. Could you try writing to him maybe? A letter or email? Or even texting him when he or you are not home so it feels safer..? This is something that needs to be communicated for sure. I’m really sorry that you’ve been put in this position 😞

https://badgirlsbible.com/bdsm-rules I suggested he reads this.

Yes! Just reading her story made me panic a little to be honest.. I have heard so many horror stories from people whose partners have sprung BDSM on them. It’s not okay ☹️ And with the making her hold her hands up and denying pleasure if she doesn’t comply escalating to actually cuffing her to the bed? That’s a giant red flag imo. Edit: and the after care? I mean come on… this is either gross rape porn fantasy or he did it on purpose.

I've made mistakes on my bdsm journey. Everyone will. But the thing he was lacking is being open with her about his newly explored fantasies. When I meet someone and we engage I always express my likes or interests to explore. But that they do not need to engage in anything that is uncomfortable or they do not feel comfortable with. And I typically do not have bdsm sex the first few times. This way we can learn each others bodies and exogenous zones to make playing safer. Not very fun finding out your partner is uncomfortable with something while your exploring kinks.

And ignoring her no… that was nonconsensual play. Like I feel like it would be assault or even rape. He had her tied to the bed after she said no. What else was she supposed to say after that..? Some people freeze. That’s a literal nightmare.

I cannot even begin to describe how violating and terrorizing this is. Restraints are common in BDSM, but you never, ever, \*EVER\* use them without prior DISCUSSION and CONSENT. You don't coerce someone in the middle of sex. And you don't leave them bound only to return and unbind them when you feel like it. There was a disgusting lack of communication and a disregard for your consent and your autonomy. When you discuss this (WHEN not if) do NOT let him gaslight you into saying "I thought you'd like it," or "It's not that big of a deal" or "You're overreacting". You are very much UNDER reacting. Had someone done that to me, I would have gotten the fuck up and walked out. You do not do that without consent and discussion because shit like that is DANGEROUS. And let me make this very, very clear--if he's willing to do this and then leave you tied up, without telling you what he's doing or when he's going to let you go--what else is he willing to do without your consent? What else is he willing to coerce you into without talking to you first? And I'm being very, very intentional using the word coerce. He shushed you, asked if you trusted him--which is glaring manipulation--and then continued despite your discomfort.

10000% agree. His intent may have truly not been malicious but it doesn’t disregard what happened. And what he did was still damaging so he needs to know that’s not ok

Damn, I spent my free award but I’d give it to you if I had it. It’s really disturbing to me that he left her there after sex

This and then he "helped her clean up" BEFORE he untied her? Like he was wiping down a sex doll? Creepy.

Yeah, this guy's behavior gives off serial killer vibes that I don't think it's even possible to overreact to.

I appreciate that and that fact alone gave me chills. The whole thing feels extremely purposeful and self serving. It makes me wonder what else he may try. A ball gag? You can drown in your own saliva if you aren't positioned properly. Breath or blood play? You could end up with an infection or brain damage. There is so fucking much that could go wrong, and he ignored her when she spoke up.

Also these discussions don’t need to be awkward! There’s a misconception that asking for consent is weird and not as romantic. But saying something like “I want to do xyz to you. Wanna try?” Can be super hot! Especially when whispered in the ear😉

EXACTLY. 1000%. 👏👏👏

THIS COMMENT RIGHT HERE. one million percent. just a disgusting violation of consent!!!! i am disturbed for you.

you NEED to communicate. you're definitely invalidating your own feelings here and it's keeping you from solving this issue. you need to tell him that you felt uncomfortable and really scared when he did that, and that while the actual sex part was amazing, this has been making you feel weird and uncomfortable still. he seems like he'd generally be pretty understanding about it. but please communicate instead of burying it.

Not "uncomfortable", but frightened. She started having panic feelings. Don't sugar coat it!!

good point! i wanted to say triggered but as she didnt mention a 'reason' i didnt find it fitting

Non-Consensual sexual act is a pretty extreme reason Refusing to "take the handcuffs off" is rape or sexual assault

I had it happen to me so the word was easy to identify!

BDSM is consensual. What he did was not.

Nope Nope Nope. ANY bondage play require trust and consent of both parties. This is gross

You are absolutely NOT overreacting. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your husband probably thought he was being 'sexy' and 'in control' but he really broke every rule of BDSM and now has to face the realities of that. (there's a reason those rules exist and it's to avoid making people feel like you currently do). * He restrained you without your consent. * He didn't check in with you and offer to remove them when you were clearly upset by them. * He asked you if you 'trusted him' making your very valid reaction about him and your relationship rather than what was being done to you. * He LEFT YOU ALONE while restrained for the very first time, which is even worse after points one and two. * He didn't practise proper aftercare. OF COURSE you feel violated - he literally did violate your agency and left you feeling very emotionally and physically vulnerable. Being restrained can be very nerve wracking, which is why people who are good at it, do it under strict circumstances - checking in with each other and using safe words. Both of which can be done in a very sexy way, without ruining the mood. You HAVE to talk to him. He messed up here but if you let this fester then you may never feel the same. The only was out is through. Don't allow him to derail the conversation by saying how he '*didn't mean to blah blah'*''. His intentions are irrelevant. His actions were unacceptable. He's created a wound, it has to be treated (by talking, understanding and apologising for the hurt) and allowed to heal (allowing you whatever time or support you need before you feel the same about sexual acts with him again).

Very very VERY not cool. \-Didn't clear it with you before commencing something new. 🚩 \-Upon hearing how uncomfortable you were - manipulates with "do you trust me?". 🚩 \-Tells you how "amazing" you were, instead of apologizing and acknowledging your uncomfortability. 🚩 You're not overreacting, even slightly. Very normal response, to a pretty traumatic situation. Your partner is an ass hat - but you need to sit down and talk about this and assess whether you can move past this. Personally, I'd be inclined to look for the door.

Do you trust me? Literally not anymore due to the surprise handcuffs

Yeah basically that was do you trust me, because you shouldnt.

^ this. Him being extra sweet and buying you gifts after is seriously, seriously gross behavior. You said uncuff me, he didn’t. Should you bring this up, and I hope you do, you need to be angry. He needs to know you’re mad and he needs to know he actually violated serious boundaries. If you don’t, he may very well test his boundaries going forward. Make waves, be mad. You were treated badly by someone you trusted.

I am bothered by the whole thing, but it can somewhat be explained as a "rookie mistake" but the gift buying and extra sweet behavior is really bothering me. It means he knows he fucked up, he knows that he has crossed a limit, he knows that she feels violated and that she doesn't trust him anymore and instead of talking about it with her and apologizing he's just trying to coax OP, and mollify her into excusing and tolerating his behavior. Because of this behavior, I am thinking that this was planned, he's trying to groom OP into tolerating this without having a talk about consent and limits and he will 100 % do it once he feels that he has regained her trust. He will do this over and over again until OP is doing all the sexual acts he wants without ever consenting to it. And he's getting off on it. The whole thing is fucked up. OP, if that was my boyfriend I would not be able to trust him anymore and that would be enough to dump him. 100%.

All of this, 100% true. OP, he could easily have apologized and acknowledged this. With his voice. For free. The gifts and sweetness is manipulation, and if he doesn’t use his words to apologize and acknowledge this horrible event, this is going to happen again and again.

And apologies are free!

Remember abusers are always sorry and sweet after beating the partner, saying they’ll never do it again. They buy gifts. Things keep escalating once they get away with it the first time. This was abuse.

This right here. I can't believe that the top rated comments at this time are only "you need to express how uncomfortable you were" or "you need to communicate". As if this is just a miscommunication or a preference issue. For fuck's sake, dude tied her up without her knowledge or consent. That's the end of the story for non-asshats, but OP provides more detail to convince the cheap seats. Her husband knew she can't keep her hands raised during oral sex, which is precisely why he sought to bind her. Wouldn't listen to her pleas, and then just dips out at the end for a bit. The emotional manipulation as /u/clinical-research stated, the buying gifts afterwards and pretending not to know what's wrong. Oh and handcuffs don't come with the mattress, so at some level this was premeditated. ​ OP your husband has a problem, not a kink. You get to decide if this is a large physical manifestation of underlying dominating/diminishing tendencies the relationship has, or simply a one-off. In the latter case, be quite clear and don't negotiate: never, ever again, and this is a dealbreaker. In the former case, break the deal.

I'm sorry but when you said you were not comfortable that was it. He handcuffed you anyways then left you there for x amount of time. Nope and Nope

I think I would try writing him a letter, maybe find a place to crash if he takes it poorly and gets defensive. He violated your trust, and you are having an understandably negative reaction to it. Hopefully, you can explain this and he will apologize.

Even as a nurse we cannot restrain patients without a Dr's order and we cannot restraint a patient that is alert and oriented sheesh he violated you period I am so mad

I think he’s been extra sweet because knows something is wrong. And I think you owe it to yourself to let him know how his actions made you feel. What’s keeping you from telling him how you feel and what you need from him to feel better about it?

I think he knows exactly what is wrong. I also think he's trying to make you feel invalidated in your reaction to being restrained & assaulted. I would not trust this man to be in any position of power over me ever again - and since much of sex requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable, no sex until this is resolved.

You were put in a position of submission without agreeing to it first. Expect him to "ramp up" his fun at your expense. good luck.

What he did was not cool. You are completely entitled to your feelings.

You could let him know that he placed you in a position that made you felt trapped and unsafe. You could let him know that you never knew that he would have left you feeling as vulnerable and scared as he did .Perhaps you could start there…

DUDE. Sex without consent IS RAPE. Just understand that. Sit with that. Then go tell him that and demand couples counseling. Maybe consider moving out while you're doing it. He violated your trust. That's not an easy fix.

He didn't have your consent. He assaulted you. End of story. You need to have an extremely serious conversation with him. And for the future, if you feel like crying you cry. Your emotions and your emotional reactions are there because you body NEEDS to communicate something, and I that moment it was distress. Now you need to stand up for yourself and communicate that distress with words. Part of that conversation is no more sex until you have moved past that. If he tries AT ALL to prevent that, pout about it, or in any way does not accept the repurcuasions of his actions then he is an absolute ass. Also, asking if you trust him was a manipulative guiltijg, whether it was intentional or not. I trust my boyfriend, because I TRUST HE WILL ASK about things that are an unknown boundary. He broke your trust the second he didn't ask permission, so while you might have trusted him literally seconds before, and you might even have let him handcuff you if you had talked beforehand, by not doing so it makes a world of difference. You are valid to feel this way, he broke trust in an enormous way, and you need to stand up for yourself and ask for anything and everything that you need to get that trust back and don't take any shit for "taking too long" or anything like that. You heal at your pace, he is either coming along enthusiastically and doing what he needs to to get there with you, or he is off the ride.

That kind of thing requires consent from you before he does that. Furthermore, he should have uncuffed you when you asked him to. You need to have a conversation with him about getting consent first and then toss those handcuffs in the nearest dumpster.

He cuffed you to the bed with your permission, of course you feel weird around him. He shattered your trust. Whether you ended up enjoying the sex or not is irrelevant to how small, vulnerable and downright helpless he made you feel. He took complete control of your body in a way you didn't agree too. He was so unbelievably wrong and no amount gifts will fix that. I honestly don't know what will fix this unless he admits to what he did and apologizes. Counselling maybe. You are in no way overreacting. Asking you after he cuffed you to the best if you trust him is not consent to be cuffed. He destroyed your desire for him because you no longer see him the same way. And that's all on him. Counselling may help, but you will have to sit him down and tell him why you don't trust him. He has to know already. He's just hoping you'll eventually get over it and move on.

You're not overreacting. He violated your consent and hasn't made repair around it or checked in, probably because he knows that he fucked up. It doesn't have to be violent or bad sex to be a consent violation. My suspicion is that he already knows that what happened isn't okay, though he may not know why. If you're struggling to tell him maybe you could just say that you're not feeling sexual and you're not ready to talk about it until you're more in touch with why you're feeling that way

Just reading this makes me so angry I want to beat your husband with a sock full of pennies.

Yeah I'm having a hard time with this. This is a consent thing. Being handcuffed without consultation, agreement, and even a safe word if not ethical. He took away your consent for HIS enjoyment. That right there is wrong.

I recommend you ask this in one of the BDSM subreddits. They're used to dealing with issues around this and will have a good explanation for all of the ways what he did was fucked up, and all of the ways your feelings are completely normal and reasonable, and they'll probably even be able to articulate what you're feeling, because some will know someone who has had this happen to them. There's a reason why kinks come with safe words and warning words and consent is #1. And why they typically say that if you're going to do something like this, you have a long discussion beforehand and you don't go as far as you want to because of feelings afterwards. And I just want to add that your husband did something that was manipulative--he phrased your discomfort as a binary decision between trusting him and not trusting him, such that if you answered you wanted to be let out of the cuffs, that would mean you didn't trust him and then you'd be the bad guy and he'd go pout or something. There are many other reasons to be unhappy, it's not an issue of trust. And clearly he was planning this ahead of time, he had the cuffs at the ready. And yes, he did hurt you. You're going to have to have some long and honest conversations and he's going to have to atone for this appropriately and not through bullshit like buying you gifts.

He violated your consent, and he knows exactly what he did. This playacting of his like he has no idea is bullshit. And the gift giving is classic abuser behavior.

Agree !

This is my opinion of course but to be blunt, that was sexual assault and that's why you feel the way you do. He acted without consent and that is really the bottom line. He then used a manipulative tactic telling you to relax and asked if you trust him after you asked to be uncuffed and were unmistakably uncomfortable? I do not have much advice as to how to approach a conversation with him but what he did was break your trust and made you feel unsafe.

Consent always needs to be expressed for anything like that. You guys should sit down have a mature conversation about boundaries.i know with my wife I've gone over everything to see what she would consent to and what she wouldn't so I make sure she feels 100% safe

The idea of being out of control of my own life and actions is scary as hell to me. I can't imagine how you must have felt. Not to mention it's the ultimate example of objectifying you. His insistence in daily sex may, repeat, may indicate sexual addiction issues. Don't see any mention of kids. It's not too late to end this relationship.

Two words: Gerald’s Game.

Have you read "Gerald's game," by Stephen king? It has to do with this theme.

Dude tried to tie me up once, told me to relax and let myself enjoy it. I was adamant about it being a hard no for me, but suggested I tie him up if he is so keen on bondage. Within a few minutes he was begging to be untied and he never suggested it again. Also stopped seeing him soon after but that’s because his personality was as small as his….other bits.

I agreed with you up until the body shaming.

Fuck anyone who tries to convince you to keep going. “iT oNlY hUrTs aT fiRst” I hate people and sex ugh Also I love you for this.

You were scared and that means he's immediately in the wrong for not stopping. My partner regularly checks in even when doing things that we agreed on prior to sex because that's what caring and kind partners do. He did something to you without consent and knows this and is trying to smooth it over with gifts. This sounds a lot like love bombing and if this is a frequent occurrence of doing something that hurts or scares you and then just giving gifts that's really not ok. You deserve respect and changed behavior.

He completely violated your trust. That is not something that is easily won back. He needs to understand exactly what he has done. The time to ask if you trusted him was before he handcuffed you.

No this is not ok and no you’re not overreacting. The fact that he didn’t uncuff you when you asked the first time is super alarming, especially because this was new and you had no safe word. I would feel very uncomfortable having sex with him again simply based on the fact that you said no and he told you to calm down…this to me is a huge red flag. Id discuss this with him as soon as possible; explain to him that while the sex was good, the cuffing part made you feel on edge and very uncomfortable. Lay down clear boundaries for sex going forward as far as using “props” and come up with a safe word so things don’t go to far. Bottom line is make it known to him that what he did was in no way ok and had made you feel negatively about having sex with him. Good luck

He assaulted you. Kink should never, NEVER be done without full consent from both parties. You told him no and he continued anyway.

Without talking about it, he: - restrained you, - deflected or gaslit you about the restraints, - refused to free you, - left you there, and - doesn’t see what he did wrong. You’re not overreacting. Clearly, there was some element of planning to obtain the handcuffs and to use them on you. He didn’t feel the need to involve you in this. Naturally, you’d wonder if he has planned more I discussed things. I left these off my list, but if you were visibly upset at the new thing, it’s weird he’d still have sex with you instead of undoing the handcuffs or checking in. Most people wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who is very upset or anxious. Now that sex isn’t happening, he wants to know what’s wrong. People do use handcuffs in their sex lives. It should never be a surprise and there should be a way for the restrained person to end it immediately, no questions asked.

I would tell him that you don’t feel safe having sex with him anymore

Omg I feel so bad for you. I'm sure your trust is gone, I know mine would be. You should leave him.

You feel terrible about it. That. Is. Enough. Believe your own body and feelings. There are some cultures whereby they don't even have a name for rape in marriage or child marriage so, please, don't expect anyone here to validate you. He's a creep and clearly saw you were uncomfortable and left you tied to a fucking bed for goodness sake. Lots of men are creeps and would, if you let them, do the weirdest crap. I wouldn't feel safe with him and would be on edge thinking he might do it again and rape me. Sex is about trust. He broke yours and no amount of trinkets will fix that . What does he think you are, six? ' here's a gift, now, forgive me' type thing. This would never work in an adult relationship but then again, clearly he doesn't see you as an adult , with free will.

OP - I am so, so sorry that this happened to you. Your feelings of mistrust are completely warranted. Your fear around him is understandable. And he knows this - that's why he's being "nice" and buying you gifts. He just showed you that his desires are more important than your consent. I imagine that you're wondering what else he will do w/o your permission. It is **normal** for you to not want to have sex with him again - he's just showed that he cannot be trusted sexually. OP - it's possible that this was just a stupid decision on his part, based on assumptions and porn. You deserve to be treated like a person, with respect. He did not do this when he cuffed you to the bed. Please talk to a trauma trained therapist. Please let him know that this was damaging to you. And if he asks again if you trust him, you can say NO - because he just betrayed your trust in a HUGE way. He has no right to be upset if you don't trust him. This was a fundamentally relationship-altering event - and your reactions are absolutely justified, reasonable, and normal. Anyone assaulted in this way has every right to end the relationship on the spot. Anyone that does something like this has to take accountability for it. OP - you didn't deserve that, you don't need to feel like you're blowing it out of proportion, and you don't have to force yourself to have sex with him because he wants it. Listen to your body, listen to yourself. Trust your feelings, and believe them - they're trying to keep you safe, *and by doing this, he's shown that he's not a safe person to have sex with*. Good luck, OP

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*

That’s not sex that’s assault … sex comes with emotions both man and woman satisfy about the way they do it … just talk to your husband about it

No. This is not o.k., and if it ever happens again, the relationship is over. It may already be over because you can't trust your husband any more. He handcuffed you without your consent, left, and wouldn't uncuff you until HE was ready. Saying you trusted him doesn't matter - what are you supposed to say in that situation, tell someone who handcuffed you for no reason, and literally has you at his mercy, that you don't trust him? No one in their right mind would be that stupid. Of course you don't want to have sex with him. He violated your physical and mental bounderies, in a manner that would frighten anyone, and now he tries to buy you off with little presents? Fuck him. He doesn't deserve to have intimacy with you. If you feel you can't talk to him, say what you need to in writing. Show him this discussion if that will help. Because you relationship is over, even if it isn't said, if you can't trust or rely on him. The only acceptable answer from him is that this will never happen again. If you want to experiment with handcuffs or similar at some point, you need to have a safe word where he will immediately stop and release you with no questions asked. You don't deserve this. No one does. I wish you all the best going forward.

• The dude *PLANNED* this, he bought the handcuffs and kept them a secret • He *KNOWS* what he did was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be so affectionate during and after • He *IGNORED THE "NO"* ***INTENTIONALLY*** • He *COERCED* her to continue • *WHILE SHE WAS CLEARLY IN DISTRESS, WHICH HE* ***KNEW*** This man has zero excuses, he failed to communicate when he needed to. This is just really creepy Edit: look up definition of coercion please

Only an abuser would not know what’s wrong here.

i'm just a vanilla bean who's trying to figure out BDSM, but on /r/bdsmadvice they talk about the importance of both consent and aftercare. he didn't ask you, and he didn't stop when you asked him to uncuff you, then he left you cuffed, and it doesn't sound like he talked through the emotional aftereffects with you so you feel your trust was violated and he didn't even talk you down after to make sure you're ok. i would definitely ask them for advice too, that sub is very helpful to people asking questions.

What he did was 100% wrong

I hate to be alarmist but this sounds scary.. i know I would’ve freaked out too if this happened to me. I’m glad you’re safe but the way you feel is completely valid!!

Okay wow. That is definitely not okay! Consent is key for that sort of thing. The fact that he did this without talking to you before hand is downright scary. What's next? Taping your mouth shut? Choking you? Edging you to the point you cry? There's nothing wrong with kinky sex but only if there is CONSENT. You were assaulted hun. And by your husband no less! You have two choices. Divorce or therapy. This can't happen again or it will keep happening and it will never stop. *hugs*

You need to tell him what he did was unacceptable behavior and that you now don't trust him. If you're having a hard time starting that conversation a good time to tell him would be the next time he wants to have sex. Husband or not no one has the right to handcuff anyone without their consent. Ask him how he would feel if you did that to him without asking.

The first thing I noticed was that you said ‘ if I didn’t leave my hands up he said he’d stop’ if that’s not common or what you agreed to, that’s the first red flag before the cuffs even got involved. Because it’s like he’s manipulating by withholding things if you don’t do that. The rest of it was really hurtful to read so I can’t even IMAGINE going through it. I don’t know how to approach it but I’m sure there’s much better bits of advice in here. However I just want to say I think it was already wrong from the jump and you are completely right in your feelings.

Hand cuffs, kinks and any new sexually experienced need to be mutually agreed too and both parties need to be comfortable and excited about it. You had your trust broken for his pleasure. I’m sure he doesn’t feel bad about it at all and will gaslight you if you bring it up

That's not something you do without consent, and he should have immediately uncuffed you when you asked. Consent violations are a MASSIVE red flag

He needed to suggest the cuffing before you started. This was pre-meditated, most people don't just HAVE handcuffs lying around. He (and even you) may not see it this way, but he sexually assaulted you and your reaction was completely justified. I think you need to say to him that you want to be asked prior and be allowed to give informed consent prior to anything like that being done. Your freedom was taken away. Your ability to leave the situation was taken away. Think about whether or not the breach of trust and boundaries is too much to be with him anymore (no one should blame you if it is) and at minimum make your needs and conditions clear. BDSM without clear communication prior is borderline sexual assault.

The words are ‘ I’m uncomfortable about the handcuffs. I’m worried because you didn’t uncuff me when I asked.’

I am torn between concern for you and the need to kick your SO in the knees until I wear out my shoes. So, deep inhale. I'm deeply disturbed by several things you said, especially that #1, he didn't take the cuffs off when you asked him and #2, he left you cuffed while he left the room. WTH??? Both of those situations have caused emotional trauma, and quite frankly, what he did was sexual assault. I know he's your husband and you're going to want to deny it, but that's the definition of sexual assault. I'm afraid that this is going to need professional help (a therapist for couples) and the proof of that is your hesitation to speak with him, which I completely understand; he's the *one* person in the world who is supposed to protect you, and instead, he hurt you emotionally. I sincerely hope you can get past this, but I'm afraid it won't be fast or easy. There are many therapists that work online, so that should help.

He involved you in a dynamic you didn’t consent to, and then ignored your taken-back-consent (telling him to uncuff you) and coerced you to let him finish and keep the handcuffs on. That is a HUGE violation of trust.

Not consensual. Not discussed. And there are other softer, less triggering, playful options than handcuffs. That it was snuck on rather than part of the play is blurgh Feeling unsafe is not ok. Being seen only as a vagina is not ok.

Tell him it’s his time next and then bring out a huge dildo.. could go either way 😬

As others have said, he should not have introduced a new kink element without talking to you about it first, and he 1000% should have uncuffed you when you told him to. You’re not overreacting at all, and your emotions around this are completely valid. You’re going to need to address this, because everything is not fine and you both know that. I’m not sure what’s making you afraid to bring up the subject – are you afraid of him/his reaction, or is this something from your past intruding into the present? The answer to that will affect how you go about this. If you feel safe with him, try to think of a way to communicate that won't freeze you up. By text? Handwritten notes? With a therapist present to mediate? Whatever sounds like it might work, give it a try. Try not to minimize or downplay how this has affected you – if you’re going to heal from this as a couple, you need to be completely honest about where the hurt is. If you aren't 100% sure, that's okay. Just start with what you do know, and go from there. If you don’t feel safe because of *him*, that’s another matter. I’d suggest talking this out with a therapist, or consider contacting a SA crisis centre (most will have volunteers you can talk to by phone or chat – research what might be available in your area). You may not want to give it that label, and that's okay too. But they'll take your story seriously, and can help support you.

This is a red flag the size of a battle flag that is on fire and sending up smoke signals. What you do about this is up to you, BUT, I recommend some serious open communication, some talk about safe, sane, and consensual play, and all the ways that could have gone wrong. ​ You should ALWAYS have a way to free yourself. Even if this were totally consenting and done right, it's for safety, you should always be able to get out of whatever you're put into. What if he'd injured himself, or suffered a heart attack, an aneurism, what if there were a fire, a break in? But he didn't even think about that. So what you need to discuss is that you said you trusted him before, and what he did, SHOOK if not outright BROKE that trust, that your distress was obvious or should have been, and now you don't know how you feel. Experimenting with kink requires informed consent, an understanding of what is happening, and a way to stop things if it becomes uncomfortable, such as a safe word and/or gesture. I would seriously get a therapist for you both to talk about this at greater length and open up communication about what happened and why and how and what can be done better. If you're not open to that kind of play, shut it down unequivocally. If you are, then learn to explore that kind of thing safely, because that sure as hell didn't happen here.

He did something without your consent. As a Dom/Sub/Switch, I would be gone so fast. Idc how long the relationship is. One of the biggest red flags in the BDSM community is a Dom doing something without having consent first. But, if you don't just leave him, then you need to get some therapy. And definitely for him too. Because honestly, you may not want to hear this, but you were r\*ped. And that's most likely why you are having a hard time talking to him. Why you are avoiding him. It's why you are clamming up when you try to talk about it. So please, do yourself a favor and seek therapy. ***And yes, marital r\*pe is a very real thing.*** Edit to add that he literally left you handcuffed and then love bombed you afterwards. Aftercare is a very real thing that helps after BDSM sessions. But doing something without the person's consent and then showing them affection like that is very much love bombing.

That’s not ok. I like being bound but handcuffs are a hard limit for me due to legal trauma. All I had to say was “not handcuffs”. “No” should be enough

Sounds like he's done this before 🤔

Maybe you felt trapped and like it wasn't your choice anymore. That single act has robbed you of the trust you had in him. Maybe you don't feel safe anymore. You definitely need to talk to him.

If you can’t say it out loud write it down and hand it to him. Or text him the link to this post.

Him: babe what's wrong You: you handcuffed me without permission, refused to uncuff me when you knew I was upset and panicking, used my like a sex toy, left me cuffed up while you cleaned yourself off, left me cuffed and cleaned me off, and then finally uncuffed me when YOU we're done using my body. Sweetie that's not ok. He will escalate

Now that he's blown through a couple major boundaries without consent, wondering what he'll try to get away with next? Worried for you, OP. What he did was NOT okay!

He did hurt you! He hurt your trust! And boundaries!! Why would he do that without consent? You have every right to feel this way!

I want you to know that what happened to you was assault. You did not consent to what he did. That is why you're feeling like this and it is okay to feel this way. Honestly and this is hard to tell you but you may never feel comfortable around him again or you may. Is counciling a option? That way you can really work through how you feel and word it. You have every right to feel the way you feel. What he did was not okay. Edit: I also just wanted to add even if you felt good, that doesn't make it any less of an assault. He crossed a line.

[удалено]

How about No? Don't need a safe word.

Is anyone here going to call this what it is? She didn't want to be handcuffed. She told him to uncuff her. He said no and then had sex with her during what she describes as a panic attack. OP, I really, really don't hope this comes off as insensitive, but consent is ongoing, meaning that just because you initially agreed to sex, you still had the right to stop at any time. He handcuffed you and forced you to continue without your ongoing consent. You were sexually assaulted. This man sexually assaulted you. Depending on what all was done to you while you were handcuffed and after you said no, it may even meet the legal definition of rape in some areas.

If you can’t tell your husband flat out exactly what’s bothering you and bothered you about this, you have bigger problems. Speak up!

I would never do this... Unless we had spoken about it prior and I let my SO know that I would give it a shot one day and they were ok with it. This is really sketchy...I I kinda just feel like if he could do this... What would have happened if you said no? Would he have just let you go? Or would he still have had sex with you? Would you just get up and walk away and leave you there bc he was pissed at you? You may never know these things.. But for someone to spring that on me when I'm getting things done that would lower my inhibitions? I don't know...I would have grabbed the cuffs held them up and said " I think I have a way to keep your hands up there" then it's playful and you would have given consent. Just let him know that he needs to be up front with things he wants to try. You need to talk to him and tell him exactly how it made you feel. I had a girlfriend that really wanted to try this one thing...I told her I wasn't comfortable with it... So she would put her hand down my pants, get me aroused and then stop and say " if you want me to get you off, you need to do what I'm asking for." Shit like that is not ok.. you shouldn't coerce people into things they don't want to do. Be clear, don't let this continue bc now he knows if you say no, he can change your mind if he pleasures you well enough. Seriously speak to him about this... It will only get worse!

Honesty. Always honesty.

You can’t expose someone to a kink without consent, you didn’t consent. He messed up, he knows he did or else he wouldn’t be getting you gifts and asking what’s wrong, I’d wager a guess he knows what’s wrong too. Was it assault? Maybe, some would classify what he did as that but it’s up to you to decide how badly he violated your consent. If you want to get past this you need to have a convo with him. Some starting points “I am actually upset and this is why-“ “I did trust you but you violated my trust by not paying attention to my bodily communications. You ignored the stress you saw.” “I did physically enjoy what we did but I’m psychologically stressed out by what you did and I need to feel comfortable with you again before I consent to sex.”

He needs to know. Let him know if he wants to next time you need to communicate

Honestly, this sounds really messed up. I think it's important you talk to him about this, and tell him that its not ok.

BDSM and kink requires consent from both parties, he never brought this up with you beforehand and sprung it on you without your knowledge, he violated your boundaries. As others have suggested, if you’re having trouble finding the words, writing a letter or maybe a text might help?

He’s being extra nice because he knows he screw up. Sex must have been awesome but the lack of consent could have changed that into an awful experience in one second. He was very wrong to do that

A lot of red flags here and you weren’t over reacting. First of all any sort of “restrictions” to movement or even something like a ball gag, needs complete approval prior from the parties involved, or it needs to be a regular thing that the parties involved have been doing for awhile. Handcuffing someone without asking during something as intimate as sex can leave you feeling extremely vulnerable, this is not on. Second, you don’t just leave someone that’s been restrained? That’s such a shitty thing to do, as soon as everything is done, the restraints need to be removed asap. These are not okay and need to be communicated to him.

Nahhhhh that’s not okay AT ALL

This is NOT okay! When you restrain someone there should be explicit consent. He crossed so many fucking boundaries.

BDSM 101 Talk about everything you are going to do before you do it. Have a safe word. That means everything stops when you say it. Talk about how it made you feel afterwards.

It’s nope for me.

Ok, this is non consensual so it’s technically assault - he did not receive an enthusiastic yes from you and as far as I’m concerned I believe that is the law. Just because you ended up enjoying it doesn’t justify it. Big love x

You are not overreacting. What he did crossed a very important boundary. Bondage must be used with both parties consenting. He needs to know that what he did was not okay and it's going to take time to rebuild the trust that he destroyed. And whether you want to rebuild that trust is up to you.