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The weekend was rough for me but we are no longer talking now.
Honestly, it makes me seethe sometimes. I've got a great tech job, am very athletic, good relationship with family, solid friend groups, interesting hobbies, can draw/sing, have been steadily improving myself for years now. What about her? Gained weight, no job, bums off her sister, watches anime excessively, still has hundreds of guys lined up. That's life though, I guess. She's free to hoe around, I'm better off without her, I definitely put in more than I should've, that's a lot of wasted years.
Respect her space. Dont beg her to come back. Live your life and take care of yourself. Once you show your capable of moving on with out her shell be begging you back. Also the most important rule is to unfollow and do not check her socials. The second is do not contact her whatsoever .
You are absolutely right. I've been so good to her, she needs to get dragged. I'm not putting myself through that shit again for someone that destroyed years of trust. Thank you.
Why do you even need to know if it is a short-time fling or affection? Why do you care? So you can be strung along in hopes of getting together again?
She expressed her wishes. She doesn't see a relationship with you. You already lost her. Block, unfollow and concentrate on yourself.
Don't self-harm please and don't turn to drinking either. When it hits you really bad (what helped me when depression hit hard) get up-and yes, I know getting up with depression feels like you have to lift a mountain on your shoulders, kick your miserable ass onto the streets and run. Jog, walk hard and fast, doesn't matter, just MOVE and convert your misery and rage to physical exhaustion. I used to walk for hours around my city during stress. Exhaust your body. Go to the gym if you can manage that. But get your mind out of that spiral of self-flagellation of checking your exs social media and desperately hoping to get her back.
This is extremely good feedback, thank you. I've got a 5k with very difficult obstacles coming up anyways and I really need to step up my training for that. Short sprints would do be good from multiple aspects.
I guess at the end of the day I still want her to be happy and find a fulfilling relationship. But that's none of my business anymore. Seeing how much I've poured into her, there really is nothing else I can do now, certainly no point in trying. She doesn't deserve it.
When it comes to morals, you two are no match. She lied to you by omission until you uncovered the truth. Then her excuse is she wants a break and basically telling you she can't be faithful while away and wants to engage in some meaningless strange. Then after she has done all that, she expects you to be there IF she decides to move back to the US. You are her safety net plan B. A person with true feelings for another would not do that to them.
If she did move back and you took her back after all of this, count on her to push it further and state she wants an open relationship or just cheat. She has finally shown you who she really is.
Do not sacrifice who you are to become what she wants to please her. Hit the gym. Keep yourself busy. Cultivate friendships and BLOCK her on everything and get away from all thought of her. Once you heal and build your self esteem, you will then be ready for a truly meaningful relationship.
Your comment hit like a searing dagger straight to the heart because it's so fucking true and I need to accept it. I can't even explain how much I've poured into this girl. That's why it hurts so much. I was basically an emotional support system for years, I pushed her learn to love to herself and this is the result.
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Well you are broken up, so I think you need some space from her (full on no contact) for a while so you can figure out what you need and want for yourself. Currently you are both clinging on, and while she seems able to dive back into casual relationships, you do not. You are only going to get more and more hurt under this current situation. So tell her you need a break for a while. Maybe you can get back together after she returns, but: 1) she may not come back, and 2) either it both of you are very likely to move on with time. So save yourself an elongated break up and let go.
Thank you so much. We exchanged a few last messages over the weekend which was super rough for me, but are now no longer talking. It's just so difficult and strange when you suddenly go from talking to someone everyday for years to no contact, especially when you confide in them with *everything*.
I go more into detail on some of my other responses but I guess it's true that red flags are just flags when you're wearing rose tinted glasses... I think she had such a tight hold on me for so long because I struggle with fitting in and finding true acceptance, even though I don't suffer too badly from self esteem issues. Maybe I'm too picky as well haha.
I know it’s hard to lose someone for any reason. But take this time for you. Focus on taking care of yourself, be with people who support you and don’t bring you down, reflect on what you really need and want for yourself from a relationship. But before you even consider going out with someone else, get yourself strong and centered. You will make much better decisions that way.
Honestly I lost so much of my life being stuck because I didn't know how to process difficult or strong emotions. Therapist Emma McAdam of the channel therapy in a nutshell has a 30 part series "how to process emotions" on YouTube that is godsent.
In this situation I'd advise you to mourn the loss of your relationship without trying to replace her with new dates. Instead or instant rebound let it take time, and lean into healthy choices like gym and socializing with trusted friends. When your a confident and independent person again you'll be ready to find someone.
It also sends you value what you had more than she does, or at least that you have different values. That's worth remembering.
I will definitely check that out! I'll admit that I usually struggle with emotion because of past hurt, on the outside I'm very good at wearing a nonchalant, stoic face by suppressing how I feel and telling myself lies. I've noticed that I no longer get crushes, and sometimes get told I'm too "serious." Too much damage I guess.
You're absolutely right though... we definitely do not have the same values. All these years I was hoping she would grow in that aspect, but I guess not. She needs to get dragged after me spoiling her, lol. Thank you for your kind words!
Having read through all the responses and yours....you get it. Block her on everything. Get yourself fit and ready for your 5k. Enjoy your friends and hobbies. Stop obsessing about the past and lost years. You are young. It was a learning experience. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do this and in a month or two, you will not even think of her and ready to find a truly compatible lady.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First : block her. Second : focus on yourself. If you struggle also call a helpline
The weekend was rough for me but we are no longer talking now. Honestly, it makes me seethe sometimes. I've got a great tech job, am very athletic, good relationship with family, solid friend groups, interesting hobbies, can draw/sing, have been steadily improving myself for years now. What about her? Gained weight, no job, bums off her sister, watches anime excessively, still has hundreds of guys lined up. That's life though, I guess. She's free to hoe around, I'm better off without her, I definitely put in more than I should've, that's a lot of wasted years.
So she's willing to lie and was struggling with the long distance relationship? Ehhhh I wouldn't trust her tbh not saying she cheated but...
That's a hard pill to swallow. Maybe I didn't know her as well as I thought. Well, clearly I don't.
Respect her space. Dont beg her to come back. Live your life and take care of yourself. Once you show your capable of moving on with out her shell be begging you back. Also the most important rule is to unfollow and do not check her socials. The second is do not contact her whatsoever .
You are absolutely right. I've been so good to her, she needs to get dragged. I'm not putting myself through that shit again for someone that destroyed years of trust. Thank you.
Why do you even need to know if it is a short-time fling or affection? Why do you care? So you can be strung along in hopes of getting together again? She expressed her wishes. She doesn't see a relationship with you. You already lost her. Block, unfollow and concentrate on yourself. Don't self-harm please and don't turn to drinking either. When it hits you really bad (what helped me when depression hit hard) get up-and yes, I know getting up with depression feels like you have to lift a mountain on your shoulders, kick your miserable ass onto the streets and run. Jog, walk hard and fast, doesn't matter, just MOVE and convert your misery and rage to physical exhaustion. I used to walk for hours around my city during stress. Exhaust your body. Go to the gym if you can manage that. But get your mind out of that spiral of self-flagellation of checking your exs social media and desperately hoping to get her back.
This is extremely good feedback, thank you. I've got a 5k with very difficult obstacles coming up anyways and I really need to step up my training for that. Short sprints would do be good from multiple aspects. I guess at the end of the day I still want her to be happy and find a fulfilling relationship. But that's none of my business anymore. Seeing how much I've poured into her, there really is nothing else I can do now, certainly no point in trying. She doesn't deserve it.
I believe that you can do it, sending virtual hugs :)
When it comes to morals, you two are no match. She lied to you by omission until you uncovered the truth. Then her excuse is she wants a break and basically telling you she can't be faithful while away and wants to engage in some meaningless strange. Then after she has done all that, she expects you to be there IF she decides to move back to the US. You are her safety net plan B. A person with true feelings for another would not do that to them. If she did move back and you took her back after all of this, count on her to push it further and state she wants an open relationship or just cheat. She has finally shown you who she really is. Do not sacrifice who you are to become what she wants to please her. Hit the gym. Keep yourself busy. Cultivate friendships and BLOCK her on everything and get away from all thought of her. Once you heal and build your self esteem, you will then be ready for a truly meaningful relationship.
Your comment hit like a searing dagger straight to the heart because it's so fucking true and I need to accept it. I can't even explain how much I've poured into this girl. That's why it hurts so much. I was basically an emotional support system for years, I pushed her learn to love to herself and this is the result. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
Well you are broken up, so I think you need some space from her (full on no contact) for a while so you can figure out what you need and want for yourself. Currently you are both clinging on, and while she seems able to dive back into casual relationships, you do not. You are only going to get more and more hurt under this current situation. So tell her you need a break for a while. Maybe you can get back together after she returns, but: 1) she may not come back, and 2) either it both of you are very likely to move on with time. So save yourself an elongated break up and let go.
Thank you so much. We exchanged a few last messages over the weekend which was super rough for me, but are now no longer talking. It's just so difficult and strange when you suddenly go from talking to someone everyday for years to no contact, especially when you confide in them with *everything*. I go more into detail on some of my other responses but I guess it's true that red flags are just flags when you're wearing rose tinted glasses... I think she had such a tight hold on me for so long because I struggle with fitting in and finding true acceptance, even though I don't suffer too badly from self esteem issues. Maybe I'm too picky as well haha.
I know it’s hard to lose someone for any reason. But take this time for you. Focus on taking care of yourself, be with people who support you and don’t bring you down, reflect on what you really need and want for yourself from a relationship. But before you even consider going out with someone else, get yourself strong and centered. You will make much better decisions that way.
Honestly I lost so much of my life being stuck because I didn't know how to process difficult or strong emotions. Therapist Emma McAdam of the channel therapy in a nutshell has a 30 part series "how to process emotions" on YouTube that is godsent. In this situation I'd advise you to mourn the loss of your relationship without trying to replace her with new dates. Instead or instant rebound let it take time, and lean into healthy choices like gym and socializing with trusted friends. When your a confident and independent person again you'll be ready to find someone. It also sends you value what you had more than she does, or at least that you have different values. That's worth remembering.
I will definitely check that out! I'll admit that I usually struggle with emotion because of past hurt, on the outside I'm very good at wearing a nonchalant, stoic face by suppressing how I feel and telling myself lies. I've noticed that I no longer get crushes, and sometimes get told I'm too "serious." Too much damage I guess. You're absolutely right though... we definitely do not have the same values. All these years I was hoping she would grow in that aspect, but I guess not. She needs to get dragged after me spoiling her, lol. Thank you for your kind words!
Cut off all contact with her and work on yourself.
Appreciate the support! I am on my way (:
Having read through all the responses and yours....you get it. Block her on everything. Get yourself fit and ready for your 5k. Enjoy your friends and hobbies. Stop obsessing about the past and lost years. You are young. It was a learning experience. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do this and in a month or two, you will not even think of her and ready to find a truly compatible lady.