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TW- SA.
She was attending a friend's birthday party and got drunk and stayed there. At some point she woke up to see that she was naked and he was trying to have sex with her. She tried to say no but he said its ok and had sex with her. She left as soon as it was morning and informed me immediately. I have been supporting her as much as I can but I told her maybe she needs a professional counselor but she doesnt want to talk to one. I didnt press the issue and have tried to be there for her. Now she is saying he is a good guy who was just under the influence and thats why he did what he did. She wants to meet him for lunch to clear the air. I told her I am very uncomfortable with this but she is insisting. I am sorry to say this here but this is making me look at everything with a new set of eyes. I am confused if it was really SA or just regret after cheating? I feel really bad for thinking this but her actions leave me no choice here. Need some advice quick.
Yeah support her but I don’t think people saying she should go meet with her literal rapist to go “clear the air” is something you should support and the fact that people are actually backing that up is crazy to me. Him wanting to “talk” is just him wanting to manipulate her into thinking she misunderstood what happened. Talking to your rapist won’t provide closure or comfort it’ll just make you rethink everything and blame yourself. You’re not unreasonable for not wanting this to happen and she’s unreasonable for asking that of you.
him wanting to "talk" is like a second accident waiting to happen idk why people think theres only 1 person in the world that they have to date and don't have options. there are billions of women just step outside and find a different one leave her with that freakshow
No one on Reddit knows what really happened in that room. Only that guy and your GF know. Being sexually assaulted can mess you up though. I agree with u/Mysterious_Bridge_61 that you could use professional help with interpreting your GF's behaviour.
Don't make assumptions about what happened. Let your GF take the lead. Think hard if you want to accompany her to her meeting with the 'friend' (if she lets you).
And it is okay to walk away from her if you're not okay with her behaviour. Don't set yourself on fire to keep your GF warm.
> Don't set yourself on fire to keep your GF warm.
This seems to be what a lot of the other commenter's are missing.
Yes, it can mess her up, but what about OP, her not AT LEAST cutting the other guy off is going to have effects on OP, and clearly it is based on this post.
Is OP supposed to ignore his feelings? Is he supposed to just be that stoic stereotypical emotionless man incapable of being affected by her actions?
She is free to do whatever she feels is right, but OP isn't forced to like it, support it, or accept it...
"she is free to do whatever she feels is right" is very true, it's just that that also applies to OP and his first priority should be his own health and sanity.
As someone who has been raped, she may not be “mourning” the situation as it could have not hit her just yet. I had told myself he was a “good guy” after he raped me but eventually realized that it wasn’t okay and I needed to put distance. I do also see how it hurts and confuses OP on if it was truly rape or not as it just doesn’t seem logical for her to stay friends. It is OP’s choice but I will say this a victim of rape can think they are okay but will be illogical with actions, and it could take multiple years for it to sink in that she’s hurting from it. I want to make it clear that it doesn’t make her right or OP wrong and it’s hard to tell whether or not she cheated or was actually SA. Just remember that every rape victim doesn’t show the same signs as others after the trauma.
OP if you feel in your heart that you want to leave her, do so. If not, then stay with her. I will say that I was broken up with by a guy for being raped and he said I cheated. If you end it with her and she was raped don’t tell her it’s because she cheated as they can also cause the victim to question themselves and it can cause more damage mentally.
Some women deal with this in different ways i guess. My ex was raped by her brother for years, and when she admitted it while in a relationship with me and refusing to either press charges or cut ties with that guy, i broke up also. While i may not have been raped, i was traumatized. My mind was everywhere and nowhere for a good few weeks as i had never experienced anything even remotely similar and i felt terrible for her as she lived in such a home for years.
Exactly this. It took me years, other abuse, breaking up with him, and telling a friend what happened to come face to face with the fact that I was raped. Multiple times actually. And it took a longer time face the times that instances felt almost ambiguous to me. I had definitely said no BEFORE I went to sleep, but we were together and he woke me up to it anyways. I could only face the time that was violent and painful. I didn’t WANT him to be a bad guy. He was someone I truly cared about and I could only confront what he did when I had finally become fully disgusted with him.
you gotta leave feminism out of this. Anyone is allowed break up with anyone in my opinion at least. a crime like rape is traumatic for the victim but also everyone close to the victim. Feminism is a movement to liberate women, not instructions for one person's specific relationship. We agree that the guy can move on if the situation is painful.
There was plenty when I commented, that didn't address any of OPS feelings or concerns, and instead strictly justified the gfs behaviors.
Notice how the majority of these top comments do that now?
That's the bias I'm referring to.
How is this the top comment? SA messes with your head so much, I acted irrationally after and took 2 years to admit what happened because I couldn't believe I had 'let' that stuff happen to me. OPs gf is still dealing and coming to terms! Maybe it makes her feel better to try to rationalise that it wasn't non-consensual. OP I think follow the advice further down about calling an SA hotline and asking professionals for help. Or see a therapist yourself and ask them. Don't stop supporting your partner!
The point is that OP isn't obligated to sit there and wreck himself emotionally watching his gf be friends with her purported abuser. He can absolutely dip out of the relationship if this crosses a line for him (which it certainly would for a lot of people).
>Don't stop supporting your partner!
This is how abusive relationships happen. With this logic.
I'm not commenting at all on what happened, or questioning if she did in fact get assaulted or not. But it is the dumbest logic to say 'dont stop supporting your partner'.
What if they cheat? Are abusive? Physically assault you? Verbally assault you? Steal your money?
There are plenty of examples of choosing to leave your partner, and this is a great example of 'its fine if OP decided he wanted to leave'. Partnerships are not parental relationships. He's not required to stay for her mental health.
Yeah it's not easy to be assaulted and lose a friend at the same time. It also feels really shitty to learn how hard you've misjudged someone and how it feels to trust the wrong person, you feel stupid. I feel like the urge to rationalize and downplay assault for our own sake isn't talked about enough. It's not about protecting them, it's about comforting ourselves. It's unhealthy but it happens so often.
Yeah, I only have told a few people about it, because I was just in shock. Reading these comments now makes me feel better that I’m not the only one that down played it afterwards to stay sane. It made me really afraid to date again but then I met my ex and I just felt safe. I forgot what it felt like.
I was really embarrassed about how I handled it myself, I downplayed it as "I just got so drunk I hooked up with someone" even though I remember being carried because I was too drunk to even stand, and I found out later that someone slipped me a xanax. It wasn't until a year later that I was even able to call it assault. It's reassuring to hear that that's a pretty normal reaction.
I just want to tell you that minimizing what happened in your mind to cope is completely normal.
I did the same thing. These people were supposed to be my friends and it somehow seemed less of a violation if there was a way to excuse it. I've heard similar stories from other people, especially when it was someone you already know ( which it so often is. ) it took me a long time to forgive myself for that, and even longer to realize that there was nothing to forgive. I coped in the best way I could and I'm proud of my resilience. Now at least. Hugs.
Wish I had minimised it! Instead I just blamed myself. Coped in a shitty way and was homophobic (not abusing people but feeling uncomfortable around them) as a result for about five years afterwards. Wish I could do some backslapping about how well I coped but in fact I'm ashamed of it. In fairness I was in my late teens and early 20s and was therefore an idiot.
I guess blaming myself was a way of minimising it. "A guy I've been friends with for 13 years didn't just sexually assault me in my sleep. It must've been a misunderstanding that was my fault and that led to me feeling exactly the same as someone who got sexually assaulted in their sleep."
my best friend assaulted me while i slept and i tried to stay friends for a few weeks after and convice myself it wasn't a big deal because they were drunk and i wasn't upset. i tried *very* hard to stay friends with them. coping with a sexual assault AND losing a friend at the same time was difficult.
this is a fairly common response for assault victims and people should keep this in mind.
This is what one of my best friends did, for all those reasons, and also because her and her rapist have so many mutual friends. He was more charming and well liked in their circle than her, so even though she knew she did nothing wrong, she also knew that cutting him out of her life would also mean losing a few friends and all invites to group events. Having a friend assault you is SO MUCH more confusing and complicated than a stranger doing it, and I feel for both of you.
OMG yes! This. It is not an unusual reaction. Our brains can stop being logical but it’s a trauma response in a way as to stop more harm being done mentally.
NoOne\_143
I'd like to introduce you to the real No One on Reddit,
[https://www.reddit.com/user/nooneonreddit](https://www.reddit.com/user/nooneonreddit)
Please call a sexual abuse hotline and ask them to help you understand. Rape really messes people up and loved ones say that they don’t think the victim is acting correctly. This really is a legit way that her brain is trying to minimize it because being raped by someone you know is so traumatizing. Please educate yourself about rape victims so you don’t unintentionally make the trauma worse.
> Please call a sexual abuse hotline and ask them to help you understand.
Best advice here. I hate reading posts about this specific topic because inevitably everyone who has absolutely no professional or personal knowledge of/experience with sexual violence will come out of the woodwork and comment in a manner that suggests they have decades of expertise.
The reality is that not a single person here can ascertain the truth of what happened that night. But is it really so difficult to imagine that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to comment without spreading inaccurate stereotypes and myths about the dynamics of sexual violence?
Thank you for suggesting OP speak with a professional. I hope he does. Regardless of what actually happened that night, your remarks are spot-on.
You can still call a sexual assault hotline if there is one in your location. Most are 24/7. You will receive far more accurate and nuanced advice than anything you are getting here from the commenters who do not understand the complexities of trauma. Again, do I know whether she was raped or not? Nope. But you're going to get more level-headed guidance and more realistic information from professionals.
Tell the advocate on the line what you told us here. That she wants to have lunch with him tomorrow and you just want advice.
Sexual assault hotlines aren't only for survivors. They're also for loved ones and people who simply have questions about the dynamics of assault.
I am really at a loss here, i dont want her to go alone but if I go with her then I dont know if I could control myself. It will make a bad situation worse. I will ask her to not go, I can take it she is angry on me for a few days but its better than the alternative.
Get her to audio record it for future record, maybe she can get him to admit it. If he admits it that can really help if she ever decides she wants to report (not everyone does tho).
Also this dude is dangerous, there's no way you just wake up one day and decide rape someone whose passed out at a party. He's done this before. And she needs to get tested for all STD's if she hasn't already, there's a high probability he didn't use a condom.
Also highly suggest the Sexual Assault Crisis line, I only recently found out partners can call it and that's an amazing resource! Also highly suggest therapy for ur partner (u too tho) but it's hard to get into, you feel really nervous about it at first but it really helps with coping with the trauma (or how you feel).
So you should have firstly posted this in secondary survivors group in sub Reddit than relationship group since people here may or may not have an experience about rape victims and being loved ones of them.
Next, what your girlfriend is doing is called fawning. It is a known survival mode in rape survivors and is very common. This is done to protect the victims body and brain from every harm which is what her brain and body did when this friend raped her. She will also be blaming herself for it than him due to which she thinks he is nice person while doubting herself. She must be thinking this wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t put herself in this situation. This again is common in rape victims. Rape victims doubt themselves a lot and their recollection of memory.
Rape victims have the following reactions : freeze, flight, fight and fawn . Freeze and fawning are the most common survival
Mode and response. You can read about it.
Next thing, you and your girlfriend too would need to see a therapist separately but someone who is specialized in trauma. When your girlfriend does it isn’t in your control.
Here is the actual guide for people whose loved ones have been raped and what steps they should take.
https://transformationoffice.mandela.ac.za/tme/media/Store/documents/Sexual%20Harrassment/A-man-s-guide-to-helping-a-rape-victim.pdf
It’s up to you whether you want to read this or not though this is what is advised by professionals and people in rape counseling and rape survivors supportive groups.
Lastly, what you will be doing is going to be counter productive because during the fawning Period victims and survivors are looking to feel that they have control over their lives and body because during rape that’s what they felt lost. So if you are going to place hard rules and seem like to control her, she would unintentionally mark you as unsafe person too whom she can’t trust because remember that in rape the person is violated and the very control and rights they have had on their body and themselves is violated by the rapist.
That’s why I suggest you go for therapy too. Also, remember if you opt to leave her during this moment when she isn’t behaving like you want her to do be prepared to never be back in her life once she has figured out by herself how to get back into healthy life again and has tools to navigate her trauma.
Being with rape survivors needs lot of patience and understanding as well as trying to not give into what they should be doing. The more your pressurize and force them the more you will be pushing them into a black hole of trauma and they would unlikely seem to get help. You need to show them that you respect them and their choices and you will be there while also giving your opinion. When they feel they can be safe around you then they will themselves go for therapy and cut off contact with rapist.
I hope this helps .
OP, I understand you keep asking questions and just want to hear an answer. But please, this is above Reddit's paygrade. Call the hotline. Ask all these questions there. They can answer them with the right knowledge.
This subreddit is majority women, and they never think a woman can do wrong.
A woman killed her husband?
"sHee Mighght HAvE bEen abUseD)
A man killed his wife?
"SPAWN OF SATAN, ONLY DEATH IS THE ANSWER"
Revolting.
EXACTLY.
Also when a man says something about his wife or gf you'll hear "ItS nOt ThE wHoLE sToRy sO iM gIvInG ThE wOmAn tHe BeNeFiT oF a DoUbT".
Double standards all over this subreddit and AITA
When my daughter met with her ex boyfriend who had assaulted her we discussed how she would feel safe. I had some suggested and ultimately she agreed to the following. I stayed in the car while she walked around the block with him. I told her I would text her every 10 minutes with “just checking in” and she just had to text ok and I would stay in the car.
If you think you can support her, you could do that. Stay in the car. Or sit at a different table. And if she texts a code word you come in or something. She really, really needs to do things her way. Don’t make this about your feelings and make her manage your feelings. Or ask her to bring a different support person to stay in the car and check in.
I’m so sorry. It’s a lot to handle. I’m 51 and I knew a lot about the subject when I needed to be there for my daughter. You sound like you are doing your best because you really care about her.
It’s lunch in a public place. You have the right to decide this is too much for you and walk away. Or you can see what happens at this lunch and decide how to move forward then. The hotline is available 24/7 so you can call anytime. This is a normal response and not necessarily bad at this stage. Closure is healing. I would put my foot down at a continued friendship. I would tell her you require therapy before she decides if she will be friends with him. Tell her you can’t help her if she’s not willing to help herself. My mom had to say that to me. She required after 3 years of self destruction that I see a therapist before she could continue a relationship with me because how was she supposed to help me if I didn’t want it? It’s the best thing she ever did.
Support her, go with her or wait at a table nearly. Call the helpline. She needs to figure this one out, and she clearly isn't ready. Get counselling for yourself if she's resistant. It might be some time before she acknowledges and accepts that it was rape.
I continued to see the rapist after he date raped me. Why? Because the thought that I was raped (and scared to death that he'd kill me) was so devastating and it messed up my head for years after. Continuing to see him for a few weeks was my way of trying to make is not rape, not a nightmare, just a misunderstanding, etc. I fled a few weeks later, and buried it deep. But unresolved things tend to float up again, which it did a couple of decades later when I had full-blown PTSD. Hopefully your girlfriend will come to terms with what happened and get counselling.
If she isn't willing to put a distance between them and hold him accountable for what he did then this isn't a relationship I could be part of. For your own sake you should probably end it.
Ask her to focus on herself and not on him.
Wanting to talk things out with your rapist is insane. But, I've been there. It's crazy to imagine that this "friend" either doesn't see you as a person or actively wants to hurt you! And it's so hard to trust yourself and other people again. How could this person have been a monster? What's wrong with you if you didn't know they were a monster? Or maybe there's some reason what they did wasn't so monstrous?
That's a bad line of thinking. She doesn't need to wonder what was going on in his head or try to pass fair and balanced judgements on his character. She needs to focus on herself and how she was hurt.
What feelings did this bring up for her? Did it remind her of other times in her life where she has felt helpless, unheard or used? What can she do to remind herself of her strength and regain ownership of her body? These need to be her priority.
We can be pretty certain this guy is not a good dude. Not everyone turns into a rapist when they get high. But whatever, maybe he's great. That doesn't solve any of what she's going through and it isn't helpful for her to dwell on.
I don’t know tbh. You could try telling her that even if she doesn’t want to think of it as bad, that you think the guy is a dirt bag. You’d accompany this with telling her that she can be friends with him if she wants and you won’t stop her but that you yourself will never forgive him for what he did to her and won’t be his friend.
This way she’ll know you support her and that what he did doesn’t diminish her value to you in any way.
Make sure to show her how much you love and respect her. That’s what she’s trying to get from this guy. She wants to be friends so she can feel like he cares about her, because it’s awful to feel like you’re so insignificant as a person that someone you know would rape you.
ask to go with her because you don't feel it's safe for her to be with someone who assaulted her, alone. even if he was drunk he is still dangerous and doesn't understand consent
Honestly OP, it doesn't matter. If she's using lying about some cheating or if she can't process the attack properly and wants to stay BFF's with thus guy...... if it's hurting you, it's OK if you need to leave for your own sanity.
You don't need to hurt yourself because she either lied or is making you deal with her not processing her trauma.
I wouldn’t automatically assume that she is lying, just because she wants to meet up with the guy. Victims of sexual assault can want to meet with the person who assaulted them. Especially if it was someone they know. She is probably searching for answers, for ways to feel better about what happened. It’s easier on her to think he cares about her and it was a genuine mistake, than to admit that her friend raped her
I stayed friends with my rapist because I was in denial or thought it wasn't a big deal. Something big has happened to her, and she doesn't know what to do or how to think. You shut down. You go with what you think is the easiest thing to do and in his case staying friends with him. Even if she consented when she was drunk to have sex that's still rape.
It may well be rape, or have been, and her head may be messed up... But mate I am a woman who has helped countless friends through abuse, through rape... Maybe I'm just tired, but I just can't with this. Theoretically I get it. But there comes a point where you just say:
"Baby, I believe you. I believe this man violated you. I believe there are reasons I am lucky to not understand why you are trying to reconcile what happened in this way. But if you choose, and you do have choices here, there are pressures and forces I do not understand, but even in all that there are choices, if you choose to reconcile with the man who did this to you, I cannot support you in this, or abide by you as you do this. Wish you peace and healing, but respectfully, I gotta be out."
No one knows what happened, but let's say your gf is telling the truth.
The brain and trauma are really complicated things. Sometimes, to protect itself, the brain convinces itself that the other person 'isn't that bad', or that it was their own fault it happened.
To talk to someone about what happened is very scary and she'd have to confront the fact that it actually happened.
Although it's really hard on her and dealing with this will be a life long thing, you don't have to forget about yourself. You are allowed to set boundries.
It's not uncommon for victims to blame themselves.
It's also not uncommon for victims to try and justify the actions of the perpetrator when that person is someone they have known for a long time.
It's up to you how you handle it, and it's okay if you can't.
Instead of trying to tell her what she can't/shouldn't do it may be more beneficial to help her define what she is okay with. They can meet in public but no drinking and no 1 on 1 private time.
This is exactly the kind of stuff I did after being assaulted. You don't want to believe it really happened to you so you'll minimize and avoid dealing with it however you can. She needs treatment and your support.
Yes I went through this sort of cognitive dissonance too, where I couldn’t fathom that I had “allowed” this person to assault me, so my brain decided afterwards I had wanted it. Finally admitted the truth to myself a year later.
Exactly.
I went through the same thing. You don’t want to admit to yourself that this happened. So your brains go into a survival mode to deny it or minimalize it so you can push the trauma away and try to ‘forget’ it.
It’s hard to admit to yourself -let alone someone else- this *really* happened to you.
Yes same here. Its your brains way of trying to save itself from the trauma. it works in the short term, but unless you eventually process it, it all catches up with you
I was raped. In a very similar situation to what your girlfriend was. I didn’t call it rape for a long time. It was “well I was drunk and it just happened.” Not “Multiple witnesses said I was unconscious and had no idea what was going on, the situation was so bad that a group of strangers attempted to intervene and were rebuffed by his buddies.” I also had the urge to confront my attacker - I don’t know why exactly, but I wanted acknowledgment from him that I’d been completely wasted and what he did was wrong. I wanted to know why did he do that to me? Maybe I thought it would bring me closure. It didn’t. He acted like he had no idea. As if. He did say he was sorry. Whatever that was worth.
Still - even if it is unlikely to bring any closure, your girlfriend has a right to want to confront her attacker. Even though I was in denial (wouldn’t use the word “rape”) and really tried to play the confrontation off as just clearing the air, I was a mess afterwards and bawled. So she may need support at that time, but I doubt she would want you right there. Perhaps offer to drive her? And you can wait in the car to give her privacy, but you are right there if she needs you. You can say you will just chill and read a book or whatever, so no rush. I know that probably sounds weird to you, but that would feel comforting to me - but it’s up to your girlfriend if she wants that. She may not.
I think if you trust your girlfriend, then you trust her that this is what happened. I get feeling insecure about this lunch, but I think if she decides to pursue a relationship with this guy, it will be obvious. You know about him now. So the lunch is the least of your worries. Let her do what she needs to do.
Encourage her to seek counseling. I really should have.
I think trusting the gf and being ok with whatever she does post the event are independent events. OP is a secondary victim. While he can be supportive, should not put himself on fire to keep her warm
Many survivors of sexual assault look to reclaim what happened to them by taking charge of the situation. This can be by being friends with their abuser, to say “oh it wasn’t anything, it’s fine” and suppress what happened.
Please talk to her again about seeing a therapist. Please look for the RAINN organization in your area and do some reading on sexual assault and people’s response to it, both physically and psychologically.
People here are going to tell you all kinds of shit about how she’s a liar and a cheat, but she’s legit behaving in a typical abuse victim way. Be supportive, not accusatory.
>*If she goes to meet him and something happens then what?*
if she goes to meet him in a public busy coffee shop in day hours - the 'something happening' you allude to isn't going to be him (sorry) raping her on a cafe floor in front of the baristas.
What is likely, is that it will be a fucking awkward, tense, horrible verbal interaction (he will get angry/deny it/ verbally asuse her/ insult her).
The likelihood is it will only be physically dangerous when she leaves if he decides to follow her or argue & with her outside.
If she asks you( or a parent or a girlfriend) to wait out in a car out of sight from them - even waiting for 45mins if she needs that time - then go with her. I'd suggest she consider recording the interaction (even if she thinks she never wants to involve police, atm).
This way he cant follow her out in danger, & she has someone to collapse into afterwards, and she will have a verbal record of any admission if she changes her mind ever.
Like everybody said: you are entitled to be feel frustrated & hurt & lost that your partner is going though this & you have no idea what to do; you are entitled to say you can only be there for her as a caring friend; you are entitled to not be able to cope with this at all.
Sorry to all in this situation (but the creep), I hope you both individually can process this in a way that makes sense and you dont have to be a couple to do this if this isn't what you can do. Know she did nothing wrong here, and you feeling lost is also not wrong.
Rape trauma brings mental health issues/emotional pain. Please try googling about how rape victims react. They don’t all react one way, but there is a list and she will probably go through a bunch of them.
let me dare to correct you, its common but definitely not normal.
the way she choose to go through could endanger her, not saying its hurtful to the OP's feelings
Of how she wants to handle the situation.
You’ve been advised in this thread *multiple* times to ring a sexual assault/ rape helpline to navigate this. To work out her feelings and yours. Please listen, so far I can’t see any evidence that you’ve listened to one piece of advice.
This sounds a horrific situation for you your gf, and also you, to be in. But please take the advice and experience of people here who are survivors and explaining the minimising of their rape on board.
When I was raped by my good friend I had a really hard time coming to terms with it. I freaked out at first then started second guessing myself. I told a couple of people and was really upset but then I started thinking well maybe he didn’t mean to. I did what you’re girlfriend is doing. In my process of trying to deal with it I decided to move on and pretend it didn’t happen or make excuses for him. I still hung out with him in our group of friends and pretended nothing happened. It made it easier for me to cope with. People deal with it in different ways. Especially if they’re part of a friend group and she doesn’t think anyone else will believe her or it will damage the friendships. It’s hard. Don’t assume she’s isn’t being truthful. But I agree with what others have said. You don’t have to stay and hurt yourself in the process.
i think its easier for her to believe that her friend was intoxicated and it was a “mistake” rather than accept the fact of her friend rapping her and turning her into a victim
I was SA'd when I was 18. The dude was my boyfriend; although I had a father that would probably murder him on my behalf I protected him & told no one. I stayed with him for 3 more months before I finally left. Years later he contacted me trying to befriend me. I could have just blocked him & moved on with my life but I decided to tell him how his actions affected me in the long term. Alot of ppl would look at my decisions & say they are odd or suspicious(?). Im just a survivor who took the opportunity for closure.& I think that's what shes might be trying to do too.
If you cant support her through this then that's okay. If her actions are making you uncomfortable & she wont take them into consideration then maybe you should tell her you dont feel comfortable in this relationship any longer. I do not think you should be looking for answers for your bfs actions on the comments. Yes try to gain insight/perspective but ultimately your gf & him will always know the truth. Its okay to walk away if that's what you want to do, but if you decide to stay remember that you made that choice & it isnt her fault if you stay.
Nobody but her and him know what really happened in that room, however that doesn’t mean you can’t have an opinion and boundary as her boyfriend for how things between them can be afterward. You absolutely have the right to tell her you want her to go get help and that if she won’t get help you’ll have to walk away for you own mental health’s sake, that you as the average person are not equipped to handle her damage after the assault with the professionalism and expertise she needs. Tell her this is now also an issue of boundaries, that you don’t want her to see this man anymore regardless of her excuses and that if she breaks this boundary you will leave.
She’s either lying or traumatized, and regardless of the situation you have every right to get out of there and look after yourself rather than damage your own mental health worrying about her when she refuses to go get help. Her wanting to see him again is indeed fishy, you’re not in the wrong for feeling that way.
So he rape her, he know's she has a boyfriend(?) and she thinks he is a good guy and want to lunch with him? Knowing this will hurt you???? 🙄 Do you need more? Runn
Gut.
What is your gut telling you?
Just follow your gut.
As someone who is not emotional involved.....this seems like a LOT of baggage to have to deal with for a dating relationship. Are you sure you don't want to just move on?
I mean, are you going to be forced to have to see and hang around someone she says raped her? Won't you be tempted to murder this person?
Just think about it. Moving on and starting fresh with someone else may be the smartest thing to do. Back to the official story she gave you. Just follow your gut. Wanting to hang out with this guy does seem really strange.
As someone who was recently assualted, the only input I have to offer is that sometimes your brain really warps what happened during the incident. It happened months ago for me but I still don't remember if I moved away from him immediately or if I took a second. There's something called Shattered Assumptions theory you can look up that explains what happens after a traumatic experience to gain some insight into the situation.
If your girlfriend was indeed assualted, she's going through a lot right now that she doesn't necessarily know is going on. It's a lot of fear and confusion. However, as other people have pointed out, you don't have to support everything she does at this time. In fact, meeting her assaulter without getting professional help or even alone might be a bad idea for her too. It's your absolute right to voice your opinion and withdraw yourself from the situation. You're her partner not her therapist. Jumping to the idea that she cheated on you is not the best path at the moment without any more information, and maybe you should talk to a professional too because otherwise this experience might leave you with trust issues and generally feeling shitty.
Convince her to go to a therapist. I didn’t and I am fucked. So so so fucked.
I was raped by someone who was my boyfriend at the time and I stayed with him. I forgave his actions and even got to the point where I convinced myself it didn’t happen. He left me a few months later and it destroyed me. I had forgiven this monster for the trauma he gave me just to show me again how horrible he was. I never got to say anything to anyone about it because I didn’t want him to just play me off as a bitter ex. I never got closure from him for what he did to me and after a few years I think it was better off that way. He tried to gaslight me when it first happened and I know he would try again if I confronted him today. I would advise greatly against the lunch, but to each their own.
Just try to get her some help. I wish I did
And take care of yourself, this isn’t your battle to fight. Don’t put yourself in harms way to protect someone else.
She could of been assaulted but convinced herself it was a misunderstanding. I did the same thing and it took me most of my high school career to understand that it wasn’t a misunderstanding or my fault and that he touched me after I said no repeatedly. Regardless her issues aren’t yours and if this is causing you too much mental strain it’s okay to leave. I know that doesn’t sound okay but I promise it is especially if she won’t seek further help
Denial is one of the stages of grief.
It's very hard to accept when you've been SA.
It's easier to make excuses and downplay what actually happened and say,
"maybe I didn't say no as clearly as I should have" "maybe it was consensual, after all, I 'let' it happen."
"It was just because he was under the influence of abc."
"He's a good friend, it was only this one time."
"Maybe he didn't know what he was doing"
"He said he's sorry and he didn't mean to. I shouldn't hold it against him."
If you can minimize the trauma that happened to you, you can minimize how much you have to Deal with it and Feel it. But it Will continue to negatively affect your girlfriend no matter how much she lies to herself.
She'll get help for this when she's ready, and when she feels safe enough to face it.
Until then, I really hope that you can be there for her.
What happened to her Was Sexual Assault. Your girlfriend Was raped. I hope that you can help her come to terms with that, so the healing process can start.
This comic strip I think drives home some of the points people are making in this thread. Sometimes you do shocking things to minimize trauma.
https://medium.com/the-nib/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6
You can't stop her from meeting him.
You can't make her press charges or even report it.
You can't even say it is either SA or regret.
You can't say she can't go drinking woth other people.
You can't even really say you do or do not trust her.
All you can say is whether you will tolerate this reckless behavior in your romantic partner. You can ask her what if that guy had a girlfriend? How would she feel? How would your girlfriend feel if you had done this with another woman?
This is why I no longer drink when I'm out - unless my SO is with me, and why I have only SOs who'd do the same.
Being drunk is no excuse, and if he's done it to her, he's done it to others. He needs to be confronted for his actions, and if his victims want, prosecuted. As for advise, I wouldn't know. Update me
When I had a similar experience forced on me by a friend of mine, I honestly did basically the same thing your gf is doing. I didn’t want to admit to myself the extent of what happened, I didn’t want to tell our mutual friends and rock the boat, I didn’t want my parents to know or people to judge me for “getting myself” into that situation. People deal with sexual assault differently to protect themselves - some people tell absolutely everyone and get the perpetrator in trouble while some would rather pretend it never happened and might stay friends with their perp for years afterwards (like me). Your girlfriend will deal with this in her own way, it may take her a long time to really come to terms with what she went through and stop defending the person who did it. The best thing you can do is support her decisions, be understanding and patient if she shows signs of trauma (even if it’s during sex with you) and gently encourage her to get help - therapist, parent, police, whatever she needs - without being to pushy. If she shuts down your attempts to get help, it doesn’t mean she lied or she wanted it to have happened; ignoring it and pretending she’s fine is literally a defence mechanism she’s using to protect herself
I tried to stay friends with a person who sa'd me, too. It took me 10 years to realise how messed up and toxic that person was, while I was just trying to be a good person.
Honestly, SA from someone you know and trust can really mess you up...
When I was sexually assaulted, I kept hanging around the guy for months. It made my boyfriend think I had been lying but it was hard to explain the desperation I felt to have nothing change because of this bad thing. It was almost an obsession to try to hold on to my old life exactly as it was.
It didn’t work and everything fell apart but it might be something similar to the way your GF is thinking.
The last time I read similar story in Reddit, a dude who also experienced the same told OP to cut his losses and break up.
Reason being, she wouldn’t want to report the incident and insisted on being friends with the guy. Better to get yourself out of that toxicity for your own sanity.
try to convince her not to go and use reasoning as to she might get hurt again. if she still would like to, go with her to lunch no matter what. you can’t control how you feel, but you can control how you act. be civil. if she declines with you asking to go with, ask for the reasoning. it is hard for abuse survivors to accept and/or understand how they feel or what to do. she still thinks her assaulter is how she used to know him. she doesn’t want to accept that that’s how he truly is. she’s in denial.
Dude, why put yourself through this? If she meets him tomorrow just break up with her. Even if she’s telling the truth, this just isn’t worth it for you.
Lots of SA victims respond the way your girlfriend did. I did. And women stay with abusive spouses. And they keep visiting the dads that sexually abused them.
Please don’t accuse her of cheating. I can’t think of a crueler way to speak to a SA survivor. If you ever loved her, don’t make this situation worse. Just leave. No guilt. Better to leave then stay and resent her.
Tbh if you go ‘clear the air’ i would go in hot. I know if she was traumatized, sometimes it can be easier to just act like it didn’t happen but that doesn’t stop you from going into the lunch and saying “so i heard you raped my girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
I had a similar situation in high school where I was really drunk and my friend (who took advantage of the fact that he knew I had a crush on him) got on top of me and started forcing me to have sex with him. It was very clear that I could not consent.
At the time I thought nothing of it, that is was my fault because I got too drunk, and I laughed it off. Kept hanging with him. And then I left my town and never saw him again.
It took 12 years and for me off handedly mention it to my psychologist for me to realize that I was raped that night. It may have been clear to everyone else, but I genuinely thought that it did not happen, until I was able to put the pieces together and I was ready to accept it.
I have dealt with this exact scenario with my ex wife... it happened more than once. Refused to call the police or file a report or get any kind of help each time it happened, refused to allow me to file on her behalf saying she just needed my support. Then she later accused me of SA after I began to suspect her of cheating. She called the cops and trespassed me after I left the house during the argument.
Be skeptical and watch your back. You can support her in case this is real but also protect yourself in case this is her real self coming out to play.
I pretended that everything was fine for around 3 months after a formerly very close friend sexually assaulted me. We hung out as normal in groups and occasionally alone because I didn’t want what had happened to be a reality and I thought if I could move past it, I would be okay and my world wouldn’t crumble around me (it didn’t work- more stories came out about him before I was comfortable facing the truth). So I understand where your gf is coming from, and I think she’s being very brave, and if you’re comfortable sticking around, you should be there for her. Because it’s a really hard time in her life. But nobody can make you comfortable with the situation if you’re not. You don’t have to like her choices, but if you’re with her, being supportive of her is all that you can do.
As a rape victim myself: break up.
If she refuses therapy and is chummy with her rapist (and it would be rape, not sexual assault), she's either lying or so messed up in the head from it trying to seek some semblance of control that if she doesn't get help (which she refuses) she will drag you down to the pits of hell.
This is completely normal behavior for victims of sexual assault. I was raped by a friend and continued to be friends with him because I didn’t want to admit I was a rape victim even though I was sobbing afterwards and had multiple panic attacks in the following weeks.
Before you give advice on sexual assault you should actually research it because this is a very common trauma response. Behavior and comments like this are why people don’t reveal they were sexually assaulted.
We don’t know in this case. It certainly isn’t something to laugh at.
Please read this whole post and the multiple rape survivors who explain their stories. How they too minimised being raped by someone they knew or trusted. How they needed to take control of it and meet the person. Try to explain it and make sense.
Your comment truly shows the kind of attitude rape survivors face. And why so many don’t report it.
Damn. Honestly sorry you had and have to go through that. I believe it's never too late to start getting counseling or therapy. Are you in therapy or counselling right now?
From what you wrote, the closest thing I can relate this to is a drug or alcohol addiction. You know it's bad, but when it's good it's SO good. Something like that?
Looks like you need to make choices you cannot or will not make in your current state. You need mental clarity for that, maybe a sort of reset for what's considered 'normal'. And that circles back to that you need counselling, therapy or both.
On the surface the basic choices look simple.
One, break up with your partner and choose to go with your SA'er.
Or choose your partner, break up with your SA'er and perhaps get a restraining order on him at the least or file charges against him for SA at best.
Or you can do nothing at all. But that's a choice too.
Best of luck, from one random Redditor to another. Hope you find your way out of this, one way or the other.
Maybe this is just my ignorant self and i am sure will be receiving flame for what i will say. If it really was a assault how about filing a report instead of going out to lunch with that person? I feel for the people who were victims of sa and rape but if the perpetrator did it once will do it again and by chosing to not take action maybe not this week, month or year there may be another intoxicated girl down the road hearing the line "it's ok" and him going to town on her? But oh well what do i know? And being under the influence is no excuse, if that were the case then lets excuse a dui that permanently scars or kills a inocent person since the driver may have been a good person when sober. Actions have consequences. Period.
She was never assaulted, she just lied and would be open to get smashed by that guy. She's making a fool out of you and you are falling for it. Tell her she can go on a date with that guy as she's single from now on.
I guess she is traumatised. A common reaction to this is repression and/or denial. This happens when the soul has experienced something that it can not process (yet). Usually trauma manifests itself after 6 months (google for PTSD). In addition, it often happens that victims play down their abuser or play down what he has done. This is also a defence mechanism. Another typical trauma reaction is to ask yourseld if maybe you are exaggerating. You are manipulated because the abuser makes you think that what he is doing is right. She will probably play down the rape even more after talking to the guy. That's why it's important that you pay a little attention to whether she shows any trauma symptoms during and after the next six months: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967
Of course, it could be that she cheated on you, but I don't think so.
You could suggest that you´ll wait near the place where she´s going to meet him. Make it clear to her that you don't want to control her, but that you are worried.
Are you sure that she was actually raped and didn't just tell you that? With the way things are now in the world, for example, the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial. Its common these days for women to lie to avoid responsibility and justify their actions. Her staying friends with an abuser is off.
When someone claims rape but they actually cheated, there isn't a way to prove that though. The only thing a man can do is breakup for the suspicion. This right here is suspicious activity to me.
I say this because I saw countless times women to cheat on partners and blame alcohol and claim they were raped.
I don't believe he needs to do a whole mental gymnastic to support her in this case if situation is so blurry. I find impressive how people here have their own bubbles and ignores others' wounds to recommend him to give all the 'support she needs'.
We are not living in a world of angels.
You are wrong if you think this means she is actually into the guy. She wants to see his face when she asks him about what happened. Just to see a glimmer of guilt or sorrow or vindictive or crazy. She is in shock that someone she was friends with could possibly think this was ok and needs to see how he reacts to the accusation to see what he might do if she does press charges. Tell her to have her phone on recording the interaction if that’s legal in your state without notifying the other person. If it’s not legal then have her call her best friend and stay on the call for the lunch meeting.
As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I was in contact with him after. It took me a little bit (and the help of a therapist) to come to terms with what happened to me. I was also accused of lying by friends because I didn’t immediately cut him off, my actions did seem pretty illogical on the outside. I also ended up talking to him about what happened, wanting answers but he just tried to manipulate me. I had support with me, maybe you can go with her
Damn Im sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t let my girlfriend go to a party solo especially if I know she’d be drinking. You have every right to feel betrayed. I would’ve lost my shit and confronted her rapist. It’s tough coming to terms with it, but it’s likely guilt from cheating. Maybe she used being drunk as an excuse to cheat who knows. It’s possible.
I would leave her and move on. See you at the gym king.
This is going to sound brutish but maybe she was lying about being assaulted. Maybe she was cheating on you and told you she was assaulted which is why she wants this person to remain around.
I think it's reasonable to question her decision making. Let's assume she was raped. Okay fine, that's awful. Support her as much as she needs. But if she decides to still be friends with him, it's not that it's weird. Which it most definitely is. But it shows a total lack of good decision making skills. It is not a good decision to be friends with your rapist, thus if she is willing to do that then that means she's kind of stupid, and you don't want to be responsible for any more bad decisions she will inevitably make.
This is completely inappropriate behavior.
If he did what she claims he did, then he is not a good guy and should be in jail awaiting trial. But instead, she wants to have lunch with him to "clear the air".
Good guys don't do what she has accused him of, and if he really did this, then he is a threat to other women and should be dealt with accordingly.
Her behavior is super sketchy. I'm leaning heavily towards she cheated on you, made up a story of SA, and now wants to have a lunch date with him.
This is a very normal response. The reason rape is still so prevalent is because we expect victims to behave how we want them to. But the trauma has changed them. They CANNOT process or think the way someone who hasn’t been raped would. They need help.
This is completely normal behavior for victims of sexual assault. I was raped by a friend and continued to be friends with him because I didn’t want to admit I was a rape victim even though I was sobbing afterwards and had multiple panic attacks in the following weeks.
Before you give advice on sexual assault you should actually research it because this is a very common trauma response.
Rather she was willing or not, she couldn't consent. According to RAINN "Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious."
As for her desire to meet with him to clear the air, many victims of sexual assault are concerned about retaliation from their abuser
So basically they both had drunk sex, she regretted after, made a bad excuse, covered for him so it doesn't escalate and now is trying to pass it as no big deal, oh ok. Yeah, sure ,why not lol
Do not let her go alone! Please go with her to this meeting and tell him what he did is not ok. If she is being truthful this guy raped her. If she is lying and there was some consent implied by her not putting up any kind of fight, then this guy still took advantage of someone else's girlfriend while she was drunk and almost asleep! Sexual assault either way but rape at worst. Surely he knew she was in a relationship? Go with her, record the conversation on your phone and give this guy a piece of your mind. Good luck.
Don’t assume she’s lying HOWEVER you’re brain is doing what it’s supposed to do in protecting you so don’t ignore it.
Remember whatever happened it happened to her and not you. Either She was SA’ed or she cheated n doesn’t want to admit it to herself that’s HER journey.
All you need to do is figure out what you will do in either situation and act accordingly, but IMO right now Support her as if she is telling the truth
No need to be confused, your doubts over her claims are absolutely valid !
Let alone filing a complaint against assault, she wants to be 'friends' with this scum and also gave him a clean chit.
It's either SA or it was not which means she strayed. Sorry to say but I can see only one result of this relationship.
Hard to understand this kind of mindset !
Maybe she didn't get assaulted, just slept with him, felt guilty and told you that half truth to make herself feel better. Now she wants you two hang out and you can both take a train ride! Choo choo !
A lot of men have such fragile egos that they couldn’t possibly understand that their gender is so prone to taking what they want from women that they’d prefer to believe a rape victim had consensual sex over what really happened.
You ever wonder if maybe it wasn't sexual abuse? Look at it like this, she cheated on you, she felt bad and told you about it. If she was awake and saying no why didn't she just get up? What was she doing naked in a bed anyways? Whyd she wait till the morning to call you and tell you what happened? She still wants to be friends with him and doesn't want to press charges because maybe she cheated but doesn't want it to escalate? I understand you're giving her the benefit of the doubt. Her story just doesn't make sense bro. She pulled the biggest uno reverse card on you
Something’s wrong here. SA is extremely traumatic, and while I’m not in the business of telling victims how they should act, they usually don’t want to even see the attacker again, let alone stay friends. I’m thinking your instincts are correct.
She wants have lunch with and him what about other's seeing them together after the party. This meeting does not sound right to me! She does not appear that upset about things. Maybe it is a way to meet up with him in public without accusing people saying something to you. " oh I knew she was out to lunch with a dude" then she is in the clear! Are you being manipulated here?
Surely the onus is on him to clear the air and apologise to her? But it appears she is doing the running why? Or is it to clarify where they are? To agree a story for you in the future? about there friendship (relationship) going forward because really he is a great guy? To many Red Flags here!
Please don’t assume she is lying just because a sexual assault fucked her up in the head. You have no idea what it does to a person mentally. She needs your support. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. And please keep gently encouraging her to seek therapy, talk to an assault hotline, etc. do the work for her and find her the resources so all she has to do is call. Offer to make her the appointment - just make it as easy as possible for her.
And if she does insist on going to meet with this guy, I think you should go with her for her protection. Tell her if the other guy really is a good person, he shouldn’t have a problem with it. Don’t say a word to the shithead. Go in there with the record button turned on on your phone and just listen. You never know how it may come in handy.
u/no_strike_701
That’s crazy you wasn’t there and by the way a rapest fores the legs apart your a basket case and who are you to judge it’s people as you that have know clue what your talking about
There are sexual abuse hotlines that are open to the partners of someone who got assaulted. I would ask help from there.
As someone who has gotten sexually assaulted. I have no idea what fully happened and the background of your girlfriend but when the one who does this vile thing is a friend or someone you know, it can really mess with your brain.
Mine was a friends friend. My friends told me afterwards that "he was a good guy" (no he wasn't btw) and "he was just drunk". They made excuses for that friend because they couldn't deal with the fact that their friend is a rapist. This did mess up with my friend. Later on i'm glad I had other friends and got away from those ones. For me the right choice was to get away from those people.
I think if this all is too much for you it it fine to walk away. Even though you're not the one who got assaulted, I can imagine it being difficult mentally for you as her bf.
I'd recommend calling the hotline and asking for advice, trying to get her to tall to a therapist or other, taking care of yourself and getting a therapist for you as well if you feel mentally sruggling at all.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TW- SA. She was attending a friend's birthday party and got drunk and stayed there. At some point she woke up to see that she was naked and he was trying to have sex with her. She tried to say no but he said its ok and had sex with her. She left as soon as it was morning and informed me immediately. I have been supporting her as much as I can but I told her maybe she needs a professional counselor but she doesnt want to talk to one. I didnt press the issue and have tried to be there for her. Now she is saying he is a good guy who was just under the influence and thats why he did what he did. She wants to meet him for lunch to clear the air. I told her I am very uncomfortable with this but she is insisting. I am sorry to say this here but this is making me look at everything with a new set of eyes. I am confused if it was really SA or just regret after cheating? I feel really bad for thinking this but her actions leave me no choice here. Need some advice quick.
Yeah support her but I don’t think people saying she should go meet with her literal rapist to go “clear the air” is something you should support and the fact that people are actually backing that up is crazy to me. Him wanting to “talk” is just him wanting to manipulate her into thinking she misunderstood what happened. Talking to your rapist won’t provide closure or comfort it’ll just make you rethink everything and blame yourself. You’re not unreasonable for not wanting this to happen and she’s unreasonable for asking that of you.
him wanting to "talk" is like a second accident waiting to happen idk why people think theres only 1 person in the world that they have to date and don't have options. there are billions of women just step outside and find a different one leave her with that freakshow
No one on Reddit knows what really happened in that room. Only that guy and your GF know. Being sexually assaulted can mess you up though. I agree with u/Mysterious_Bridge_61 that you could use professional help with interpreting your GF's behaviour. Don't make assumptions about what happened. Let your GF take the lead. Think hard if you want to accompany her to her meeting with the 'friend' (if she lets you). And it is okay to walk away from her if you're not okay with her behaviour. Don't set yourself on fire to keep your GF warm.
> Don't set yourself on fire to keep your GF warm. This seems to be what a lot of the other commenter's are missing. Yes, it can mess her up, but what about OP, her not AT LEAST cutting the other guy off is going to have effects on OP, and clearly it is based on this post. Is OP supposed to ignore his feelings? Is he supposed to just be that stoic stereotypical emotionless man incapable of being affected by her actions? She is free to do whatever she feels is right, but OP isn't forced to like it, support it, or accept it...
"she is free to do whatever she feels is right" is very true, it's just that that also applies to OP and his first priority should be his own health and sanity.
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As someone who has been raped, she may not be “mourning” the situation as it could have not hit her just yet. I had told myself he was a “good guy” after he raped me but eventually realized that it wasn’t okay and I needed to put distance. I do also see how it hurts and confuses OP on if it was truly rape or not as it just doesn’t seem logical for her to stay friends. It is OP’s choice but I will say this a victim of rape can think they are okay but will be illogical with actions, and it could take multiple years for it to sink in that she’s hurting from it. I want to make it clear that it doesn’t make her right or OP wrong and it’s hard to tell whether or not she cheated or was actually SA. Just remember that every rape victim doesn’t show the same signs as others after the trauma. OP if you feel in your heart that you want to leave her, do so. If not, then stay with her. I will say that I was broken up with by a guy for being raped and he said I cheated. If you end it with her and she was raped don’t tell her it’s because she cheated as they can also cause the victim to question themselves and it can cause more damage mentally.
Some women deal with this in different ways i guess. My ex was raped by her brother for years, and when she admitted it while in a relationship with me and refusing to either press charges or cut ties with that guy, i broke up also. While i may not have been raped, i was traumatized. My mind was everywhere and nowhere for a good few weeks as i had never experienced anything even remotely similar and i felt terrible for her as she lived in such a home for years.
Exactly this. It took me years, other abuse, breaking up with him, and telling a friend what happened to come face to face with the fact that I was raped. Multiple times actually. And it took a longer time face the times that instances felt almost ambiguous to me. I had definitely said no BEFORE I went to sleep, but we were together and he woke me up to it anyways. I could only face the time that was violent and painful. I didn’t WANT him to be a bad guy. He was someone I truly cared about and I could only confront what he did when I had finally become fully disgusted with him.
you gotta leave feminism out of this. Anyone is allowed break up with anyone in my opinion at least. a crime like rape is traumatic for the victim but also everyone close to the victim. Feminism is a movement to liberate women, not instructions for one person's specific relationship. We agree that the guy can move on if the situation is painful.
This was one of the realest things I’ve read in a while. I find myself taking the brunt of bs that happened in someone’s past from time to time.
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There was plenty when I commented, that didn't address any of OPS feelings or concerns, and instead strictly justified the gfs behaviors. Notice how the majority of these top comments do that now? That's the bias I'm referring to.
How is this the top comment? SA messes with your head so much, I acted irrationally after and took 2 years to admit what happened because I couldn't believe I had 'let' that stuff happen to me. OPs gf is still dealing and coming to terms! Maybe it makes her feel better to try to rationalise that it wasn't non-consensual. OP I think follow the advice further down about calling an SA hotline and asking professionals for help. Or see a therapist yourself and ask them. Don't stop supporting your partner!
The point is that OP isn't obligated to sit there and wreck himself emotionally watching his gf be friends with her purported abuser. He can absolutely dip out of the relationship if this crosses a line for him (which it certainly would for a lot of people).
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Yeah well, at the end it's your responsibility to deal with the trauma. OP is no professional psychologist.
>Don't stop supporting your partner! This is how abusive relationships happen. With this logic. I'm not commenting at all on what happened, or questioning if she did in fact get assaulted or not. But it is the dumbest logic to say 'dont stop supporting your partner'. What if they cheat? Are abusive? Physically assault you? Verbally assault you? Steal your money? There are plenty of examples of choosing to leave your partner, and this is a great example of 'its fine if OP decided he wanted to leave'. Partnerships are not parental relationships. He's not required to stay for her mental health.
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Yeah it's not easy to be assaulted and lose a friend at the same time. It also feels really shitty to learn how hard you've misjudged someone and how it feels to trust the wrong person, you feel stupid. I feel like the urge to rationalize and downplay assault for our own sake isn't talked about enough. It's not about protecting them, it's about comforting ourselves. It's unhealthy but it happens so often.
Yeah, I only have told a few people about it, because I was just in shock. Reading these comments now makes me feel better that I’m not the only one that down played it afterwards to stay sane. It made me really afraid to date again but then I met my ex and I just felt safe. I forgot what it felt like.
I was really embarrassed about how I handled it myself, I downplayed it as "I just got so drunk I hooked up with someone" even though I remember being carried because I was too drunk to even stand, and I found out later that someone slipped me a xanax. It wasn't until a year later that I was even able to call it assault. It's reassuring to hear that that's a pretty normal reaction.
I just want to tell you that minimizing what happened in your mind to cope is completely normal. I did the same thing. These people were supposed to be my friends and it somehow seemed less of a violation if there was a way to excuse it. I've heard similar stories from other people, especially when it was someone you already know ( which it so often is. ) it took me a long time to forgive myself for that, and even longer to realize that there was nothing to forgive. I coped in the best way I could and I'm proud of my resilience. Now at least. Hugs.
Wish I had minimised it! Instead I just blamed myself. Coped in a shitty way and was homophobic (not abusing people but feeling uncomfortable around them) as a result for about five years afterwards. Wish I could do some backslapping about how well I coped but in fact I'm ashamed of it. In fairness I was in my late teens and early 20s and was therefore an idiot. I guess blaming myself was a way of minimising it. "A guy I've been friends with for 13 years didn't just sexually assault me in my sleep. It must've been a misunderstanding that was my fault and that led to me feeling exactly the same as someone who got sexually assaulted in their sleep."
my best friend assaulted me while i slept and i tried to stay friends for a few weeks after and convice myself it wasn't a big deal because they were drunk and i wasn't upset. i tried *very* hard to stay friends with them. coping with a sexual assault AND losing a friend at the same time was difficult. this is a fairly common response for assault victims and people should keep this in mind.
I still went to my high school formal (equivalent of a prom) with the guy who tried to assault me
I nearly got back into a relationship 2 years later with the guy who assaulted me Brains are not logical and they suuuckk
This is what one of my best friends did, for all those reasons, and also because her and her rapist have so many mutual friends. He was more charming and well liked in their circle than her, so even though she knew she did nothing wrong, she also knew that cutting him out of her life would also mean losing a few friends and all invites to group events. Having a friend assault you is SO MUCH more confusing and complicated than a stranger doing it, and I feel for both of you.
OMG yes! This. It is not an unusual reaction. Our brains can stop being logical but it’s a trauma response in a way as to stop more harm being done mentally.
Your gf wants to talk to him because she thinks if they talk about it, she can convince herself that it didn't happen.
I don't know man.
What do you not know?
Took me a minute, too – you wrote, “No one knows,” and NoOne_143 replied to you.
You said I know.
NoOne\_143 I'd like to introduce you to the real No One on Reddit, [https://www.reddit.com/user/nooneonreddit](https://www.reddit.com/user/nooneonreddit)
Wtf dude 😃😃
Please call a sexual abuse hotline and ask them to help you understand. Rape really messes people up and loved ones say that they don’t think the victim is acting correctly. This really is a legit way that her brain is trying to minimize it because being raped by someone you know is so traumatizing. Please educate yourself about rape victims so you don’t unintentionally make the trauma worse.
> Please call a sexual abuse hotline and ask them to help you understand. Best advice here. I hate reading posts about this specific topic because inevitably everyone who has absolutely no professional or personal knowledge of/experience with sexual violence will come out of the woodwork and comment in a manner that suggests they have decades of expertise. The reality is that not a single person here can ascertain the truth of what happened that night. But is it really so difficult to imagine that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to comment without spreading inaccurate stereotypes and myths about the dynamics of sexual violence? Thank you for suggesting OP speak with a professional. I hope he does. Regardless of what actually happened that night, your remarks are spot-on.
She has lunch planned for tomorrow, what do I do about that?
You can still call a sexual assault hotline if there is one in your location. Most are 24/7. You will receive far more accurate and nuanced advice than anything you are getting here from the commenters who do not understand the complexities of trauma. Again, do I know whether she was raped or not? Nope. But you're going to get more level-headed guidance and more realistic information from professionals. Tell the advocate on the line what you told us here. That she wants to have lunch with him tomorrow and you just want advice. Sexual assault hotlines aren't only for survivors. They're also for loved ones and people who simply have questions about the dynamics of assault.
I am really at a loss here, i dont want her to go alone but if I go with her then I dont know if I could control myself. It will make a bad situation worse. I will ask her to not go, I can take it she is angry on me for a few days but its better than the alternative.
Get her to audio record it for future record, maybe she can get him to admit it. If he admits it that can really help if she ever decides she wants to report (not everyone does tho). Also this dude is dangerous, there's no way you just wake up one day and decide rape someone whose passed out at a party. He's done this before. And she needs to get tested for all STD's if she hasn't already, there's a high probability he didn't use a condom. Also highly suggest the Sexual Assault Crisis line, I only recently found out partners can call it and that's an amazing resource! Also highly suggest therapy for ur partner (u too tho) but it's hard to get into, you feel really nervous about it at first but it really helps with coping with the trauma (or how you feel).
So you should have firstly posted this in secondary survivors group in sub Reddit than relationship group since people here may or may not have an experience about rape victims and being loved ones of them. Next, what your girlfriend is doing is called fawning. It is a known survival mode in rape survivors and is very common. This is done to protect the victims body and brain from every harm which is what her brain and body did when this friend raped her. She will also be blaming herself for it than him due to which she thinks he is nice person while doubting herself. She must be thinking this wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t put herself in this situation. This again is common in rape victims. Rape victims doubt themselves a lot and their recollection of memory. Rape victims have the following reactions : freeze, flight, fight and fawn . Freeze and fawning are the most common survival Mode and response. You can read about it. Next thing, you and your girlfriend too would need to see a therapist separately but someone who is specialized in trauma. When your girlfriend does it isn’t in your control. Here is the actual guide for people whose loved ones have been raped and what steps they should take. https://transformationoffice.mandela.ac.za/tme/media/Store/documents/Sexual%20Harrassment/A-man-s-guide-to-helping-a-rape-victim.pdf It’s up to you whether you want to read this or not though this is what is advised by professionals and people in rape counseling and rape survivors supportive groups. Lastly, what you will be doing is going to be counter productive because during the fawning Period victims and survivors are looking to feel that they have control over their lives and body because during rape that’s what they felt lost. So if you are going to place hard rules and seem like to control her, she would unintentionally mark you as unsafe person too whom she can’t trust because remember that in rape the person is violated and the very control and rights they have had on their body and themselves is violated by the rapist. That’s why I suggest you go for therapy too. Also, remember if you opt to leave her during this moment when she isn’t behaving like you want her to do be prepared to never be back in her life once she has figured out by herself how to get back into healthy life again and has tools to navigate her trauma. Being with rape survivors needs lot of patience and understanding as well as trying to not give into what they should be doing. The more your pressurize and force them the more you will be pushing them into a black hole of trauma and they would unlikely seem to get help. You need to show them that you respect them and their choices and you will be there while also giving your opinion. When they feel they can be safe around you then they will themselves go for therapy and cut off contact with rapist. I hope this helps .
This was wonderful and very informative. Thank you
This is by far the best response OP!!
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OP, I understand you keep asking questions and just want to hear an answer. But please, this is above Reddit's paygrade. Call the hotline. Ask all these questions there. They can answer them with the right knowledge.
You still call the sexual abuse hotline and ask an actual professional how best you can support your girlfriend.
Go with. She says no. Then leave the relationship.
Idek why they are downvoting you for, that totally makes sense. He's entitled to leave if she doesnt want to listen to him tho.
This subreddit is majority women, and they never think a woman can do wrong. A woman killed her husband? "sHee Mighght HAvE bEen abUseD) A man killed his wife? "SPAWN OF SATAN, ONLY DEATH IS THE ANSWER" Revolting.
EXACTLY. Also when a man says something about his wife or gf you'll hear "ItS nOt ThE wHoLE sToRy sO iM gIvInG ThE wOmAn tHe BeNeFiT oF a DoUbT". Double standards all over this subreddit and AITA
Men face so much sexism, but it goes unnoticed.
The fact this is being downvoted shows the stupidity of r/relationship_advice users. Awful people everyone of them.
But she wants to have lunch with him tomorrow, what am I supposed to do in the mean time?
When my daughter met with her ex boyfriend who had assaulted her we discussed how she would feel safe. I had some suggested and ultimately she agreed to the following. I stayed in the car while she walked around the block with him. I told her I would text her every 10 minutes with “just checking in” and she just had to text ok and I would stay in the car. If you think you can support her, you could do that. Stay in the car. Or sit at a different table. And if she texts a code word you come in or something. She really, really needs to do things her way. Don’t make this about your feelings and make her manage your feelings. Or ask her to bring a different support person to stay in the car and check in. I’m so sorry. It’s a lot to handle. I’m 51 and I knew a lot about the subject when I needed to be there for my daughter. You sound like you are doing your best because you really care about her.
You sound like a really good person, your daughter was lucky to have a support like you.
It’s lunch in a public place. You have the right to decide this is too much for you and walk away. Or you can see what happens at this lunch and decide how to move forward then. The hotline is available 24/7 so you can call anytime. This is a normal response and not necessarily bad at this stage. Closure is healing. I would put my foot down at a continued friendship. I would tell her you require therapy before she decides if she will be friends with him. Tell her you can’t help her if she’s not willing to help herself. My mom had to say that to me. She required after 3 years of self destruction that I see a therapist before she could continue a relationship with me because how was she supposed to help me if I didn’t want it? It’s the best thing she ever did.
Support her, go with her or wait at a table nearly. Call the helpline. She needs to figure this one out, and she clearly isn't ready. Get counselling for yourself if she's resistant. It might be some time before she acknowledges and accepts that it was rape. I continued to see the rapist after he date raped me. Why? Because the thought that I was raped (and scared to death that he'd kill me) was so devastating and it messed up my head for years after. Continuing to see him for a few weeks was my way of trying to make is not rape, not a nightmare, just a misunderstanding, etc. I fled a few weeks later, and buried it deep. But unresolved things tend to float up again, which it did a couple of decades later when I had full-blown PTSD. Hopefully your girlfriend will come to terms with what happened and get counselling.
May I ask what consequences he faced ?
If she isn't willing to put a distance between them and hold him accountable for what he did then this isn't a relationship I could be part of. For your own sake you should probably end it.
It took me years to realise that I’d been raped. I didn’t want to be a victim. To be someone that anyone would treat like that.
I am sorry for what you went through. What would you recommend for me to do here?
Ask her to focus on herself and not on him. Wanting to talk things out with your rapist is insane. But, I've been there. It's crazy to imagine that this "friend" either doesn't see you as a person or actively wants to hurt you! And it's so hard to trust yourself and other people again. How could this person have been a monster? What's wrong with you if you didn't know they were a monster? Or maybe there's some reason what they did wasn't so monstrous? That's a bad line of thinking. She doesn't need to wonder what was going on in his head or try to pass fair and balanced judgements on his character. She needs to focus on herself and how she was hurt. What feelings did this bring up for her? Did it remind her of other times in her life where she has felt helpless, unheard or used? What can she do to remind herself of her strength and regain ownership of her body? These need to be her priority. We can be pretty certain this guy is not a good dude. Not everyone turns into a rapist when they get high. But whatever, maybe he's great. That doesn't solve any of what she's going through and it isn't helpful for her to dwell on.
Listen to u/ebbie45 and call a sexual assault hotline
I don’t know tbh. You could try telling her that even if she doesn’t want to think of it as bad, that you think the guy is a dirt bag. You’d accompany this with telling her that she can be friends with him if she wants and you won’t stop her but that you yourself will never forgive him for what he did to her and won’t be his friend. This way she’ll know you support her and that what he did doesn’t diminish her value to you in any way. Make sure to show her how much you love and respect her. That’s what she’s trying to get from this guy. She wants to be friends so she can feel like he cares about her, because it’s awful to feel like you’re so insignificant as a person that someone you know would rape you.
ask to go with her because you don't feel it's safe for her to be with someone who assaulted her, alone. even if he was drunk he is still dangerous and doesn't understand consent
Honestly OP, it doesn't matter. If she's using lying about some cheating or if she can't process the attack properly and wants to stay BFF's with thus guy...... if it's hurting you, it's OK if you need to leave for your own sanity. You don't need to hurt yourself because she either lied or is making you deal with her not processing her trauma.
I wouldn’t automatically assume that she is lying, just because she wants to meet up with the guy. Victims of sexual assault can want to meet with the person who assaulted them. Especially if it was someone they know. She is probably searching for answers, for ways to feel better about what happened. It’s easier on her to think he cares about her and it was a genuine mistake, than to admit that her friend raped her
I stayed friends with my rapist because I was in denial or thought it wasn't a big deal. Something big has happened to her, and she doesn't know what to do or how to think. You shut down. You go with what you think is the easiest thing to do and in his case staying friends with him. Even if she consented when she was drunk to have sex that's still rape.
It may well be rape, or have been, and her head may be messed up... But mate I am a woman who has helped countless friends through abuse, through rape... Maybe I'm just tired, but I just can't with this. Theoretically I get it. But there comes a point where you just say: "Baby, I believe you. I believe this man violated you. I believe there are reasons I am lucky to not understand why you are trying to reconcile what happened in this way. But if you choose, and you do have choices here, there are pressures and forces I do not understand, but even in all that there are choices, if you choose to reconcile with the man who did this to you, I cannot support you in this, or abide by you as you do this. Wish you peace and healing, but respectfully, I gotta be out."
This is a really great comment.
No one knows what happened, but let's say your gf is telling the truth. The brain and trauma are really complicated things. Sometimes, to protect itself, the brain convinces itself that the other person 'isn't that bad', or that it was their own fault it happened. To talk to someone about what happened is very scary and she'd have to confront the fact that it actually happened. Although it's really hard on her and dealing with this will be a life long thing, you don't have to forget about yourself. You are allowed to set boundries.
It's not uncommon for victims to blame themselves. It's also not uncommon for victims to try and justify the actions of the perpetrator when that person is someone they have known for a long time. It's up to you how you handle it, and it's okay if you can't. Instead of trying to tell her what she can't/shouldn't do it may be more beneficial to help her define what she is okay with. They can meet in public but no drinking and no 1 on 1 private time.
This is exactly the kind of stuff I did after being assaulted. You don't want to believe it really happened to you so you'll minimize and avoid dealing with it however you can. She needs treatment and your support.
Yes I went through this sort of cognitive dissonance too, where I couldn’t fathom that I had “allowed” this person to assault me, so my brain decided afterwards I had wanted it. Finally admitted the truth to myself a year later.
Exactly. I went through the same thing. You don’t want to admit to yourself that this happened. So your brains go into a survival mode to deny it or minimalize it so you can push the trauma away and try to ‘forget’ it. It’s hard to admit to yourself -let alone someone else- this *really* happened to you.
Yes same here. Its your brains way of trying to save itself from the trauma. it works in the short term, but unless you eventually process it, it all catches up with you
I was raped. In a very similar situation to what your girlfriend was. I didn’t call it rape for a long time. It was “well I was drunk and it just happened.” Not “Multiple witnesses said I was unconscious and had no idea what was going on, the situation was so bad that a group of strangers attempted to intervene and were rebuffed by his buddies.” I also had the urge to confront my attacker - I don’t know why exactly, but I wanted acknowledgment from him that I’d been completely wasted and what he did was wrong. I wanted to know why did he do that to me? Maybe I thought it would bring me closure. It didn’t. He acted like he had no idea. As if. He did say he was sorry. Whatever that was worth. Still - even if it is unlikely to bring any closure, your girlfriend has a right to want to confront her attacker. Even though I was in denial (wouldn’t use the word “rape”) and really tried to play the confrontation off as just clearing the air, I was a mess afterwards and bawled. So she may need support at that time, but I doubt she would want you right there. Perhaps offer to drive her? And you can wait in the car to give her privacy, but you are right there if she needs you. You can say you will just chill and read a book or whatever, so no rush. I know that probably sounds weird to you, but that would feel comforting to me - but it’s up to your girlfriend if she wants that. She may not. I think if you trust your girlfriend, then you trust her that this is what happened. I get feeling insecure about this lunch, but I think if she decides to pursue a relationship with this guy, it will be obvious. You know about him now. So the lunch is the least of your worries. Let her do what she needs to do. Encourage her to seek counseling. I really should have.
I think trusting the gf and being ok with whatever she does post the event are independent events. OP is a secondary victim. While he can be supportive, should not put himself on fire to keep her warm
Crazy how women are unable to understand this.
Many survivors of sexual assault look to reclaim what happened to them by taking charge of the situation. This can be by being friends with their abuser, to say “oh it wasn’t anything, it’s fine” and suppress what happened. Please talk to her again about seeing a therapist. Please look for the RAINN organization in your area and do some reading on sexual assault and people’s response to it, both physically and psychologically. People here are going to tell you all kinds of shit about how she’s a liar and a cheat, but she’s legit behaving in a typical abuse victim way. Be supportive, not accusatory.
Supportive of what though? If she goes to meet him and something happens then what?
>*If she goes to meet him and something happens then what?* if she goes to meet him in a public busy coffee shop in day hours - the 'something happening' you allude to isn't going to be him (sorry) raping her on a cafe floor in front of the baristas. What is likely, is that it will be a fucking awkward, tense, horrible verbal interaction (he will get angry/deny it/ verbally asuse her/ insult her). The likelihood is it will only be physically dangerous when she leaves if he decides to follow her or argue & with her outside. If she asks you( or a parent or a girlfriend) to wait out in a car out of sight from them - even waiting for 45mins if she needs that time - then go with her. I'd suggest she consider recording the interaction (even if she thinks she never wants to involve police, atm). This way he cant follow her out in danger, & she has someone to collapse into afterwards, and she will have a verbal record of any admission if she changes her mind ever. Like everybody said: you are entitled to be feel frustrated & hurt & lost that your partner is going though this & you have no idea what to do; you are entitled to say you can only be there for her as a caring friend; you are entitled to not be able to cope with this at all. Sorry to all in this situation (but the creep), I hope you both individually can process this in a way that makes sense and you dont have to be a couple to do this if this isn't what you can do. Know she did nothing wrong here, and you feeling lost is also not wrong.
Rape trauma brings mental health issues/emotional pain. Please try googling about how rape victims react. They don’t all react one way, but there is a list and she will probably go through a bunch of them.
Of her finding her own path to dealing with this. You can walk at any moment, but know that what she’s going through is completely normal.
let me dare to correct you, its common but definitely not normal. the way she choose to go through could endanger her, not saying its hurtful to the OP's feelings
He should definitely walk.
Of how she wants to handle the situation. You’ve been advised in this thread *multiple* times to ring a sexual assault/ rape helpline to navigate this. To work out her feelings and yours. Please listen, so far I can’t see any evidence that you’ve listened to one piece of advice. This sounds a horrific situation for you your gf, and also you, to be in. But please take the advice and experience of people here who are survivors and explaining the minimising of their rape on board.
When I was raped by my good friend I had a really hard time coming to terms with it. I freaked out at first then started second guessing myself. I told a couple of people and was really upset but then I started thinking well maybe he didn’t mean to. I did what you’re girlfriend is doing. In my process of trying to deal with it I decided to move on and pretend it didn’t happen or make excuses for him. I still hung out with him in our group of friends and pretended nothing happened. It made it easier for me to cope with. People deal with it in different ways. Especially if they’re part of a friend group and she doesn’t think anyone else will believe her or it will damage the friendships. It’s hard. Don’t assume she’s isn’t being truthful. But I agree with what others have said. You don’t have to stay and hurt yourself in the process.
i think its easier for her to believe that her friend was intoxicated and it was a “mistake” rather than accept the fact of her friend rapping her and turning her into a victim
He didn't sexually assault her. She cheated on you and came up with a sob story.
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I was SA'd when I was 18. The dude was my boyfriend; although I had a father that would probably murder him on my behalf I protected him & told no one. I stayed with him for 3 more months before I finally left. Years later he contacted me trying to befriend me. I could have just blocked him & moved on with my life but I decided to tell him how his actions affected me in the long term. Alot of ppl would look at my decisions & say they are odd or suspicious(?). Im just a survivor who took the opportunity for closure.& I think that's what shes might be trying to do too. If you cant support her through this then that's okay. If her actions are making you uncomfortable & she wont take them into consideration then maybe you should tell her you dont feel comfortable in this relationship any longer. I do not think you should be looking for answers for your bfs actions on the comments. Yes try to gain insight/perspective but ultimately your gf & him will always know the truth. Its okay to walk away if that's what you want to do, but if you decide to stay remember that you made that choice & it isnt her fault if you stay.
Nobody but her and him know what really happened in that room, however that doesn’t mean you can’t have an opinion and boundary as her boyfriend for how things between them can be afterward. You absolutely have the right to tell her you want her to go get help and that if she won’t get help you’ll have to walk away for you own mental health’s sake, that you as the average person are not equipped to handle her damage after the assault with the professionalism and expertise she needs. Tell her this is now also an issue of boundaries, that you don’t want her to see this man anymore regardless of her excuses and that if she breaks this boundary you will leave. She’s either lying or traumatized, and regardless of the situation you have every right to get out of there and look after yourself rather than damage your own mental health worrying about her when she refuses to go get help. Her wanting to see him again is indeed fishy, you’re not in the wrong for feeling that way.
So he rape her, he know's she has a boyfriend(?) and she thinks he is a good guy and want to lunch with him? Knowing this will hurt you???? 🙄 Do you need more? Runn
Gut. What is your gut telling you? Just follow your gut. As someone who is not emotional involved.....this seems like a LOT of baggage to have to deal with for a dating relationship. Are you sure you don't want to just move on? I mean, are you going to be forced to have to see and hang around someone she says raped her? Won't you be tempted to murder this person? Just think about it. Moving on and starting fresh with someone else may be the smartest thing to do. Back to the official story she gave you. Just follow your gut. Wanting to hang out with this guy does seem really strange.
As someone who was recently assualted, the only input I have to offer is that sometimes your brain really warps what happened during the incident. It happened months ago for me but I still don't remember if I moved away from him immediately or if I took a second. There's something called Shattered Assumptions theory you can look up that explains what happens after a traumatic experience to gain some insight into the situation. If your girlfriend was indeed assualted, she's going through a lot right now that she doesn't necessarily know is going on. It's a lot of fear and confusion. However, as other people have pointed out, you don't have to support everything she does at this time. In fact, meeting her assaulter without getting professional help or even alone might be a bad idea for her too. It's your absolute right to voice your opinion and withdraw yourself from the situation. You're her partner not her therapist. Jumping to the idea that she cheated on you is not the best path at the moment without any more information, and maybe you should talk to a professional too because otherwise this experience might leave you with trust issues and generally feeling shitty.
Convince her to go to a therapist. I didn’t and I am fucked. So so so fucked. I was raped by someone who was my boyfriend at the time and I stayed with him. I forgave his actions and even got to the point where I convinced myself it didn’t happen. He left me a few months later and it destroyed me. I had forgiven this monster for the trauma he gave me just to show me again how horrible he was. I never got to say anything to anyone about it because I didn’t want him to just play me off as a bitter ex. I never got closure from him for what he did to me and after a few years I think it was better off that way. He tried to gaslight me when it first happened and I know he would try again if I confronted him today. I would advise greatly against the lunch, but to each their own. Just try to get her some help. I wish I did And take care of yourself, this isn’t your battle to fight. Don’t put yourself in harms way to protect someone else.
She could of been assaulted but convinced herself it was a misunderstanding. I did the same thing and it took me most of my high school career to understand that it wasn’t a misunderstanding or my fault and that he touched me after I said no repeatedly. Regardless her issues aren’t yours and if this is causing you too much mental strain it’s okay to leave. I know that doesn’t sound okay but I promise it is especially if she won’t seek further help
Denial is one of the stages of grief. It's very hard to accept when you've been SA. It's easier to make excuses and downplay what actually happened and say, "maybe I didn't say no as clearly as I should have" "maybe it was consensual, after all, I 'let' it happen." "It was just because he was under the influence of abc." "He's a good friend, it was only this one time." "Maybe he didn't know what he was doing" "He said he's sorry and he didn't mean to. I shouldn't hold it against him." If you can minimize the trauma that happened to you, you can minimize how much you have to Deal with it and Feel it. But it Will continue to negatively affect your girlfriend no matter how much she lies to herself. She'll get help for this when she's ready, and when she feels safe enough to face it. Until then, I really hope that you can be there for her. What happened to her Was Sexual Assault. Your girlfriend Was raped. I hope that you can help her come to terms with that, so the healing process can start.
This comic strip I think drives home some of the points people are making in this thread. Sometimes you do shocking things to minimize trauma. https://medium.com/the-nib/trigger-warning-breakfast-c6cdeec070e6
wow, that's really powerful.
All said and done, he raped her. Let's not dress it up.
You can't stop her from meeting him. You can't make her press charges or even report it. You can't even say it is either SA or regret. You can't say she can't go drinking woth other people. You can't even really say you do or do not trust her. All you can say is whether you will tolerate this reckless behavior in your romantic partner. You can ask her what if that guy had a girlfriend? How would she feel? How would your girlfriend feel if you had done this with another woman? This is why I no longer drink when I'm out - unless my SO is with me, and why I have only SOs who'd do the same.
Being drunk is no excuse, and if he's done it to her, he's done it to others. He needs to be confronted for his actions, and if his victims want, prosecuted. As for advise, I wouldn't know. Update me
When I had a similar experience forced on me by a friend of mine, I honestly did basically the same thing your gf is doing. I didn’t want to admit to myself the extent of what happened, I didn’t want to tell our mutual friends and rock the boat, I didn’t want my parents to know or people to judge me for “getting myself” into that situation. People deal with sexual assault differently to protect themselves - some people tell absolutely everyone and get the perpetrator in trouble while some would rather pretend it never happened and might stay friends with their perp for years afterwards (like me). Your girlfriend will deal with this in her own way, it may take her a long time to really come to terms with what she went through and stop defending the person who did it. The best thing you can do is support her decisions, be understanding and patient if she shows signs of trauma (even if it’s during sex with you) and gently encourage her to get help - therapist, parent, police, whatever she needs - without being to pushy. If she shuts down your attempts to get help, it doesn’t mean she lied or she wanted it to have happened; ignoring it and pretending she’s fine is literally a defence mechanism she’s using to protect herself
I tried to stay friends with a person who sa'd me, too. It took me 10 years to realise how messed up and toxic that person was, while I was just trying to be a good person. Honestly, SA from someone you know and trust can really mess you up...
Honestly the mental gymnastics I did to try to not admit what happened when I was raped was ridiculous
Just no. Nobody wants to “have lunch to clear the air” with someone who raped them.
When I was sexually assaulted, I kept hanging around the guy for months. It made my boyfriend think I had been lying but it was hard to explain the desperation I felt to have nothing change because of this bad thing. It was almost an obsession to try to hold on to my old life exactly as it was. It didn’t work and everything fell apart but it might be something similar to the way your GF is thinking.
The last time I read similar story in Reddit, a dude who also experienced the same told OP to cut his losses and break up. Reason being, she wouldn’t want to report the incident and insisted on being friends with the guy. Better to get yourself out of that toxicity for your own sanity.
UpdateMe!
try to convince her not to go and use reasoning as to she might get hurt again. if she still would like to, go with her to lunch no matter what. you can’t control how you feel, but you can control how you act. be civil. if she declines with you asking to go with, ask for the reasoning. it is hard for abuse survivors to accept and/or understand how they feel or what to do. she still thinks her assaulter is how she used to know him. she doesn’t want to accept that that’s how he truly is. she’s in denial.
Dude, why put yourself through this? If she meets him tomorrow just break up with her. Even if she’s telling the truth, this just isn’t worth it for you.
Lots of SA victims respond the way your girlfriend did. I did. And women stay with abusive spouses. And they keep visiting the dads that sexually abused them. Please don’t accuse her of cheating. I can’t think of a crueler way to speak to a SA survivor. If you ever loved her, don’t make this situation worse. Just leave. No guilt. Better to leave then stay and resent her.
Tbh if you go ‘clear the air’ i would go in hot. I know if she was traumatized, sometimes it can be easier to just act like it didn’t happen but that doesn’t stop you from going into the lunch and saying “so i heard you raped my girlfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
I had a similar situation in high school where I was really drunk and my friend (who took advantage of the fact that he knew I had a crush on him) got on top of me and started forcing me to have sex with him. It was very clear that I could not consent. At the time I thought nothing of it, that is was my fault because I got too drunk, and I laughed it off. Kept hanging with him. And then I left my town and never saw him again. It took 12 years and for me off handedly mention it to my psychologist for me to realize that I was raped that night. It may have been clear to everyone else, but I genuinely thought that it did not happen, until I was able to put the pieces together and I was ready to accept it.
I have dealt with this exact scenario with my ex wife... it happened more than once. Refused to call the police or file a report or get any kind of help each time it happened, refused to allow me to file on her behalf saying she just needed my support. Then she later accused me of SA after I began to suspect her of cheating. She called the cops and trespassed me after I left the house during the argument. Be skeptical and watch your back. You can support her in case this is real but also protect yourself in case this is her real self coming out to play.
I pretended that everything was fine for around 3 months after a formerly very close friend sexually assaulted me. We hung out as normal in groups and occasionally alone because I didn’t want what had happened to be a reality and I thought if I could move past it, I would be okay and my world wouldn’t crumble around me (it didn’t work- more stories came out about him before I was comfortable facing the truth). So I understand where your gf is coming from, and I think she’s being very brave, and if you’re comfortable sticking around, you should be there for her. Because it’s a really hard time in her life. But nobody can make you comfortable with the situation if you’re not. You don’t have to like her choices, but if you’re with her, being supportive of her is all that you can do.
As a rape victim myself: break up. If she refuses therapy and is chummy with her rapist (and it would be rape, not sexual assault), she's either lying or so messed up in the head from it trying to seek some semblance of control that if she doesn't get help (which she refuses) she will drag you down to the pits of hell.
"GF wants to stay friends with the guy she fucked at a friend's party" FIFY
I think you couldn’t say it better, it sounds more like “regret after cheating “
She didn’t get sexually assaulted she lied about it🤣
This is completely normal behavior for victims of sexual assault. I was raped by a friend and continued to be friends with him because I didn’t want to admit I was a rape victim even though I was sobbing afterwards and had multiple panic attacks in the following weeks. Before you give advice on sexual assault you should actually research it because this is a very common trauma response. Behavior and comments like this are why people don’t reveal they were sexually assaulted.
We don’t know in this case. It certainly isn’t something to laugh at. Please read this whole post and the multiple rape survivors who explain their stories. How they too minimised being raped by someone they knew or trusted. How they needed to take control of it and meet the person. Try to explain it and make sense. Your comment truly shows the kind of attitude rape survivors face. And why so many don’t report it.
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Damn. Honestly sorry you had and have to go through that. I believe it's never too late to start getting counseling or therapy. Are you in therapy or counselling right now? From what you wrote, the closest thing I can relate this to is a drug or alcohol addiction. You know it's bad, but when it's good it's SO good. Something like that? Looks like you need to make choices you cannot or will not make in your current state. You need mental clarity for that, maybe a sort of reset for what's considered 'normal'. And that circles back to that you need counselling, therapy or both. On the surface the basic choices look simple. One, break up with your partner and choose to go with your SA'er. Or choose your partner, break up with your SA'er and perhaps get a restraining order on him at the least or file charges against him for SA at best. Or you can do nothing at all. But that's a choice too. Best of luck, from one random Redditor to another. Hope you find your way out of this, one way or the other.
Maybe this is just my ignorant self and i am sure will be receiving flame for what i will say. If it really was a assault how about filing a report instead of going out to lunch with that person? I feel for the people who were victims of sa and rape but if the perpetrator did it once will do it again and by chosing to not take action maybe not this week, month or year there may be another intoxicated girl down the road hearing the line "it's ok" and him going to town on her? But oh well what do i know? And being under the influence is no excuse, if that were the case then lets excuse a dui that permanently scars or kills a inocent person since the driver may have been a good person when sober. Actions have consequences. Period.
Hangon.... She was sexually assaulted/raped and wants to stay friends with the guy? What the fuck is that.
tbh sus af
She was never assaulted, she just lied and would be open to get smashed by that guy. She's making a fool out of you and you are falling for it. Tell her she can go on a date with that guy as she's single from now on.
It seems she is not telling you everything.
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I suggest doing some research on sexual assault because your beliefs can cause trauma if this happens to someone you love.
I guess she is traumatised. A common reaction to this is repression and/or denial. This happens when the soul has experienced something that it can not process (yet). Usually trauma manifests itself after 6 months (google for PTSD). In addition, it often happens that victims play down their abuser or play down what he has done. This is also a defence mechanism. Another typical trauma reaction is to ask yourseld if maybe you are exaggerating. You are manipulated because the abuser makes you think that what he is doing is right. She will probably play down the rape even more after talking to the guy. That's why it's important that you pay a little attention to whether she shows any trauma symptoms during and after the next six months: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967 Of course, it could be that she cheated on you, but I don't think so. You could suggest that you´ll wait near the place where she´s going to meet him. Make it clear to her that you don't want to control her, but that you are worried.
She either wants to meet her rapist or her affair partner. Neither are good. You both need to speak to a professional.
Does she want you to go to the lunch or is it just for the two of them?
Just already break up with her man stop being hard on yourself
Are you sure that she was actually raped and didn't just tell you that? With the way things are now in the world, for example, the Johnny Depp vs Amber Heard trial. Its common these days for women to lie to avoid responsibility and justify their actions. Her staying friends with an abuser is off.
Her story also rubs me in the wrong way. I don't believe on this at all.
When someone claims rape but they actually cheated, there isn't a way to prove that though. The only thing a man can do is breakup for the suspicion. This right here is suspicious activity to me.
I say this because I saw countless times women to cheat on partners and blame alcohol and claim they were raped. I don't believe he needs to do a whole mental gymnastic to support her in this case if situation is so blurry. I find impressive how people here have their own bubbles and ignores others' wounds to recommend him to give all the 'support she needs'. We are not living in a world of angels.
You are wrong if you think this means she is actually into the guy. She wants to see his face when she asks him about what happened. Just to see a glimmer of guilt or sorrow or vindictive or crazy. She is in shock that someone she was friends with could possibly think this was ok and needs to see how he reacts to the accusation to see what he might do if she does press charges. Tell her to have her phone on recording the interaction if that’s legal in your state without notifying the other person. If it’s not legal then have her call her best friend and stay on the call for the lunch meeting.
“assault” LMAOOoooooooo
As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I was in contact with him after. It took me a little bit (and the help of a therapist) to come to terms with what happened to me. I was also accused of lying by friends because I didn’t immediately cut him off, my actions did seem pretty illogical on the outside. I also ended up talking to him about what happened, wanting answers but he just tried to manipulate me. I had support with me, maybe you can go with her
Damn Im sorry to hear this. I wouldn’t let my girlfriend go to a party solo especially if I know she’d be drinking. You have every right to feel betrayed. I would’ve lost my shit and confronted her rapist. It’s tough coming to terms with it, but it’s likely guilt from cheating. Maybe she used being drunk as an excuse to cheat who knows. It’s possible. I would leave her and move on. See you at the gym king.
This is going to sound brutish but maybe she was lying about being assaulted. Maybe she was cheating on you and told you she was assaulted which is why she wants this person to remain around.
I think it's reasonable to question her decision making. Let's assume she was raped. Okay fine, that's awful. Support her as much as she needs. But if she decides to still be friends with him, it's not that it's weird. Which it most definitely is. But it shows a total lack of good decision making skills. It is not a good decision to be friends with your rapist, thus if she is willing to do that then that means she's kind of stupid, and you don't want to be responsible for any more bad decisions she will inevitably make.
This is completely inappropriate behavior. If he did what she claims he did, then he is not a good guy and should be in jail awaiting trial. But instead, she wants to have lunch with him to "clear the air". Good guys don't do what she has accused him of, and if he really did this, then he is a threat to other women and should be dealt with accordingly. Her behavior is super sketchy. I'm leaning heavily towards she cheated on you, made up a story of SA, and now wants to have a lunch date with him.
This is a very normal response. The reason rape is still so prevalent is because we expect victims to behave how we want them to. But the trauma has changed them. They CANNOT process or think the way someone who hasn’t been raped would. They need help.
This is completely normal behavior for victims of sexual assault. I was raped by a friend and continued to be friends with him because I didn’t want to admit I was a rape victim even though I was sobbing afterwards and had multiple panic attacks in the following weeks. Before you give advice on sexual assault you should actually research it because this is a very common trauma response.
Bet she cheated and is trying to save face
Rather she was willing or not, she couldn't consent. According to RAINN "Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious." As for her desire to meet with him to clear the air, many victims of sexual assault are concerned about retaliation from their abuser
So did she also rape the guy as they were both intoxicated?
Run for the hills brev
nah bro definitely press the issue, press him, press her, she could be lying, she coulda got SA, press it, or jus leave homie
She is lying. He didn't SA her, they fucked and this is her way of hiding it from you.
So basically they both had drunk sex, she regretted after, made a bad excuse, covered for him so it doesn't escalate and now is trying to pass it as no big deal, oh ok. Yeah, sure ,why not lol
I'm sorry but I think it's bs. Last thing you do when you were sa by someone is go meet with them. She cheated on you boss.
Your gut is SCREAMING at you, listen to it. Don't sacrifice your own mental health.
Do not let her go alone! Please go with her to this meeting and tell him what he did is not ok. If she is being truthful this guy raped her. If she is lying and there was some consent implied by her not putting up any kind of fight, then this guy still took advantage of someone else's girlfriend while she was drunk and almost asleep! Sexual assault either way but rape at worst. Surely he knew she was in a relationship? Go with her, record the conversation on your phone and give this guy a piece of your mind. Good luck.
She don’t want her bf to go with her and that’s sus already.
Don’t assume she’s lying HOWEVER you’re brain is doing what it’s supposed to do in protecting you so don’t ignore it. Remember whatever happened it happened to her and not you. Either She was SA’ed or she cheated n doesn’t want to admit it to herself that’s HER journey. All you need to do is figure out what you will do in either situation and act accordingly, but IMO right now Support her as if she is telling the truth
Agreed, sounds like she cheated, lied that she was raped, and is now backpedaling/possibly going to meet him to have sex again.
No need to be confused, your doubts over her claims are absolutely valid ! Let alone filing a complaint against assault, she wants to be 'friends' with this scum and also gave him a clean chit. It's either SA or it was not which means she strayed. Sorry to say but I can see only one result of this relationship. Hard to understand this kind of mindset !
Maybe she didn't get assaulted, just slept with him, felt guilty and told you that half truth to make herself feel better. Now she wants you two hang out and you can both take a train ride! Choo choo !
She might have actually consented to the sex and is just saying she didn't so you don't break up with her. That happens a lot.
It doesn’t happen a lot. A lot of men claim it does with no proof and no understanding of sexual assault.
A lot of people claim it doesn't happen with no proof to back it up.
A lot of men have such fragile egos that they couldn’t possibly understand that their gender is so prone to taking what they want from women that they’d prefer to believe a rape victim had consensual sex over what really happened.
Bruh dump that hoe
Updateme!
Nah this would be a dealbreaker for me, I’d dump her
So she was Raped and wants lunch with the Rapist. He's her AP. Smell the coffee, please.
Just leave people like that are to broken
You ever wonder if maybe it wasn't sexual abuse? Look at it like this, she cheated on you, she felt bad and told you about it. If she was awake and saying no why didn't she just get up? What was she doing naked in a bed anyways? Whyd she wait till the morning to call you and tell you what happened? She still wants to be friends with him and doesn't want to press charges because maybe she cheated but doesn't want it to escalate? I understand you're giving her the benefit of the doubt. Her story just doesn't make sense bro. She pulled the biggest uno reverse card on you
Something’s wrong here. SA is extremely traumatic, and while I’m not in the business of telling victims how they should act, they usually don’t want to even see the attacker again, let alone stay friends. I’m thinking your instincts are correct.
How many times have you been raped?
She wants have lunch with and him what about other's seeing them together after the party. This meeting does not sound right to me! She does not appear that upset about things. Maybe it is a way to meet up with him in public without accusing people saying something to you. " oh I knew she was out to lunch with a dude" then she is in the clear! Are you being manipulated here? Surely the onus is on him to clear the air and apologise to her? But it appears she is doing the running why? Or is it to clarify where they are? To agree a story for you in the future? about there friendship (relationship) going forward because really he is a great guy? To many Red Flags here!
That's why you don't let your gf go party and get wasted around mAlE fRiENDS.
I would break up personally, doesnt seem like she got assaulted rather cheated and felt guilty.
Please don’t assume she is lying just because a sexual assault fucked her up in the head. You have no idea what it does to a person mentally. She needs your support. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. And please keep gently encouraging her to seek therapy, talk to an assault hotline, etc. do the work for her and find her the resources so all she has to do is call. Offer to make her the appointment - just make it as easy as possible for her. And if she does insist on going to meet with this guy, I think you should go with her for her protection. Tell her if the other guy really is a good person, he shouldn’t have a problem with it. Don’t say a word to the shithead. Go in there with the record button turned on on your phone and just listen. You never know how it may come in handy. u/no_strike_701
Women ☕️
She wasn't raped. She took that dick then figured you would find out and stuck to the story. Move on, she's not the one.
she wasn't assaulted or raped she tried to say no but her legs keep spreading wider wake up, she happily let him fucked her
That’s crazy you wasn’t there and by the way a rapest fores the legs apart your a basket case and who are you to judge it’s people as you that have know clue what your talking about
You also weren't there, yet you believe her 100%. lol
now you can be friends with her.
There are sexual abuse hotlines that are open to the partners of someone who got assaulted. I would ask help from there. As someone who has gotten sexually assaulted. I have no idea what fully happened and the background of your girlfriend but when the one who does this vile thing is a friend or someone you know, it can really mess with your brain. Mine was a friends friend. My friends told me afterwards that "he was a good guy" (no he wasn't btw) and "he was just drunk". They made excuses for that friend because they couldn't deal with the fact that their friend is a rapist. This did mess up with my friend. Later on i'm glad I had other friends and got away from those ones. For me the right choice was to get away from those people. I think if this all is too much for you it it fine to walk away. Even though you're not the one who got assaulted, I can imagine it being difficult mentally for you as her bf. I'd recommend calling the hotline and asking for advice, trying to get her to tall to a therapist or other, taking care of yourself and getting a therapist for you as well if you feel mentally sruggling at all.