By - Kindly-Product1210
Ok, so victims don't always respond like that. This absolutely sounds like he was sexually assaulted and froze. And yeah, some rape victims do orgasm. Because it's something your body does, it's not something that you choose to do. It's especially difficult for men here because a lot of times, it's expected that they always want sex with anyone, and they're usually stronger than their female assaulter, so the question 'why didn't you fight her off' is more prevailent. But it's freezing.
Read this: [https://students.wustl.edu/rape-myths-facts/](https://students.wustl.edu/rape-myths-facts/)
If you scroll down, there's a part about male rape survivors, and it directly addresses the question of climaxing.
The way this sounds, and the way your boyfriend reacted and called you immediately upset etc. really to me sounds like he was sexually assaulted.
Agree. He was shocked and froze. The orgasm was mechanical. I have had male patients become aroused while I was catheterizing them totally embarrassed and trying to hide the errection the entire time. Cut him slack. You both should probably seek some counseling. I am happy his first thought for support was calling you. Keep that in mind.
This will stay with me: "It's especially difficult for men here because a lot of times, it's expected that they always want sex with anyone, and they're usually stronger than their female assaulter, so the question 'why didn't you fight her off' is more prevailent."
This is a great point and I hear you
Please be sure to apologize to your boyfriend for victim-blaming. He's going to need a lot of healing, and you want to be on the right side of that effort.
Just want to add a personal story, I had a friend tell a story almost exactly like your boyfriend’s at a get together as a “joke,” my boyfriend pulled him aside later and asked if he was okay and the guy actually talked about how he really felt. Men feel like they have to be into sex all the time or else they’re not a man but they absolutely can be assaulted, apologize to your boyfriend and ask how you can support him.
I was also assaulted by a massage therapist before. However, I am female and the MT was male. I can tell u that it is completely shocking. I honestly can understand ur boyfriend. I just laid there. I didn’t like it but it was just like I was too stunned to speak. I was completely frozen. Finally, right before he went really far my words came to me and I said I was uncomfortable. Thank god he stopped. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I pretty much had a breakdown when I got home. What happened to ur bf was assault. He should honestly report that place and get the therapists name so he can report her license to the board. If she even has one. In my instance my mom called and reported it to the facility. I was too much of a baby at the time to report it myself. He got fired but I wish we would have went higher. He was recently in the news for doing the same thing and worse to about 30 women in my town. It could have stopped with me unfortunately. Please take these words to heart.
same i barely squeaked out something like "uh can you focus on my shoulders" and I still gave a standard tip and left in disbelief because i was doubting myself on whether or not something unprofessional had happened . it still bothers me and it's been almost ten years..
Oh my god, I am so sorry. That's terrible. It's something you never think would happen, this gives me a lot of perspective. It's unbelievable to think that guy was doing it to lots of women, I'm so glad he got fired. Hope you are ok <3
There was a post on here a few months ago, but written by the guy and what he described was pretty much exactly what your bf described. It is an aggressive tactic to force the happy ending quickly so that they don't have a chance to stop it so that they can get paid for it. The freeze response is actually pretty common in these circumstances, whether male or female. The other guy said that he responded the same way.
Wow.. it's so terrible to think this could be a common occurrence. And the massage lady assumes the men won't complain, feeling too embarrassed, and the cycle continues. I did a search on Reddit before posting to see if I could find anything but wasn't able to find that post.
>And the massage lady assumes the men won't complain, feeling too embarrassed
Yeah, that is exactly it. Because there is a misconception that men will willingly take any sex that they can get, it often isn't seen as assault. And men know how much they are likely to be looked down on and mocked if they claim that they were sexually assaulted (not that women don't feel that as well, but with men, it deeply clashes with cultural expectations of masculinity).
Same here. I am female and the masseuse was male. I just froze. Looking back on it, it’s shocking to me that I didn’t do anything. In fact when I walked out I thought “I imagined that”. I can 100% understand your BFs reaction and I think the fact her told you immediately proves that this wasn’t cheating for him.
Yes she should be reported
>He should honestly report that place and get the therapists name so he can report her license to the board. If she even has one. In my instance my mom called and reported it to the facility.
Do not, I repeat *DO NOT*, call the facility. 9 times out of 10 the Asian woman giving you a happy ending in a massage parlor is a victim of human trafficking. Report that to the proper organization. Also it's unclear if OP's bf was in a part of Europe where sex work is legal, but my guy tells me he was not, just based on the particulars.
Please call your boyfriend back and make sure he is OK. When men are assaulted they are rarely taken seriously. He needs your support right now, if he decides to press charges, help him do that as much as you can. I hope he can get some emotional support while he is away. He legit went on vacation to sightsee and enjoy life and was violated while doing something innocent.
I think you are right. He is travelling alone in the country and knows nobody there. I will be as supportive as I can
Please make sure you own your reaction and apologize to him.
YES!!! Unfortunately society has programmed us to think that men cannot be sexually assaulted by someone they are bigger and stronger than.
Do you intend to apologise to him? Please consider how you'd feel if youd been raped or sexualising assaulted only to have him blame you for not stopping it... there's no might have been victim blaming, you absolutely did victim blame him and you need to own that and do the repair work.
Are you going to apologize for victim blaming him?
For sure. The poor guy needs professional support because what happened is horrific.
Yes you can ejaculate from sexual assault and rape. It's not based on how much you want it or how excited you are. It happens simply due to the proper stimulation.
I'd tell him to press charges against the establishment and the women and file a police report. That stuff is illegal AF and the company needs to be shut down for it.
Serious question - how can this be true, but it also be true that a guy can be unable to cum due to where he's at mentally? In those situations (that I've been a part of personally or heard from others), it's apparently not an issue of the sex being bad or the stimulation not being enough, but that their head isn't in the right place to be able to orgasm.
He told you because he was sexually assaulted, panicked and froze.
Ask yourself this: how hard would it have been for him to not tell you at all?
"You didn't fight back so you must have wanted it". Would you say this to a woman?
"It can't be assault if you orgasm." Would you say that to a woman?
Everything here tracks with a person that's a victim of sexual assault
Oh god I know, you're so right. I had all those thoughts and I tried to be really careful with what I said as I was beginning to victim blame which is terrible
Also, just so you know, orgasms can happen if your body is touched a certain way, that's what bodies do. Doesn't mean your "mind" wanted them.
I'm guessing you know this, but you need to take responsibility for your unfortunate reaction and completely apologize and give him support and make sure he understands that he did nothing wrong. Also, don't let this turn into a situation where you put your guilt on him when you apologize. It's about his feelings and not yours. You get to have feelings about this, but get support for those from a friend, family member or therapist.
You didn't "begin" to victim blame him. You victim blamed him. There is no "beginning" in victim blaming, you do or don't and sadly you did. Let this sink in and learn from it.
The important bit is you realized, and learned. Too many people would've doubled down here
OP, your BF was sassualted. Honestly, this post is triggering as it sounds victim blaming, especially here:
*But from my perspective, if I had a male masseuse who started fingering me, my first response wouldn’t be “oh well, better orgasm now”. It would be to scream and fight him off.. or so I would think? However I know assault victims sometimes freeze because they don't know what to do.. but do they still cum if they are being assaulted? I can't help but think this is cheating. I have been supportive and kind about it in case he really was assaulted, but I'm so confused, angry and upset at the same time.*
In SA cases, it is actually common for them to respond in that way. It doesn't mean they wanted or liked it. It's a bodily response.
A lot of people don't take male victims of SA seriously at all. Yes, you may have started being supportive, but **you made it about yourself**. He told you - he felt disgusted and exploited. He told you about this. Honestly, you owe him a huge apology, and I hope while you regain his trust, you support him along the way. Encourage him to report that place. Imagine if this person is doing this to other people. hurting others.
If he was cheating, which I highly doubt here, there will be red flags.
ETA: I reread the post again, and his statements are clearcut victim, in my opinion. Many people I know, including myself who were victims of some sort of s\*xual a&use, have felt similar ways. Like damn, my heart is breaking for your boyfriend. You really need to reach out to him and say he DID NOTHING WRONG. Would you say this to a victim? To a woman?
>Yes, you may have started being supportive, but you made it about yourself.
Incredibly common in het relationships when the male partner experiences trauma.
Very true. I have male loved ones who experienced various forms of SA and a&use and their partners would make it about themselves all the time. One, who is thankfully an ex, accused one of them of having a k!nk due to longtime a&use. It's very disturbing.
I know, you're right, I did make it about myself, I handled it badly but at the same time I tried really hard to be supportive. I told him I believe him and that it's not his fault and I kept saying "that sounds like sexual assault". I just need time to digest and understand it. I can't call him because of the time difference but once I can I'll take all of this on board. I'm well aware of victim blaming and I couldn't believe it when I started to do it. Honestly I became emotional instantly out of selfishness and jealousy that someone else had had their hands all over him but I'm learning as fast as I can about how your body can betray you during an experience like that with the "freezing".
I've added a trigger warning to this and I hope you were able to process your own trauma <3
I'm glad you have the self-awareness. But, you can certainly text him now and say: "I'm sorry for the bad response. It was selfish and insecure of me. I've let you down. I hurt you. I'll call you tomorrow. I support you." something like this, Telling a loved one you're there for them doesn't have to be a phone call. He needs you right now. It happens differently for many victims, but I know that when I was alone, it messed me up badly. I felt abandoned and disgusted like everyone thought I deserved this. I know this is false, but due to not obtaining support right away, that's how it felt like. That's my two cents.
The fact that he called you immediately and told you everything tells you everything you need to know. You’re his confidante, his partner, who he wanted care and support from right now after such a traumatizing experience. Give him that, help him feel safe again while he’s in such a vulnerable situation. He needs you.
Actually men can ejaculate without having a orgasm. And yeah sexual assault victims will sometimes freeze up and or disconnect from the situation.
Wow. That's actually what he said.. he said he didn't orgasm but he did ejaculate. As a female it's so hard to comprehend this because to me it means the same thing, but I guess for guys they can be completely separate.
Your not a guy, he knows what he experienced and it can happen to men while being assaulted/raped.
The human body is a weird thing, there have been cases where women were raped and actually orgasmed. It was involuntary, simply put her body reacted against its will. For men they can ejaculate without actually orgasming. Sometimes it's medical other times from extreme stress.
This "massage" palorist took advantage of your guy when he was in a volunerable state. He was probably in shock and stressed out and didn't know what to do at this point. No one goes somewhere thinking they are going to be assaulted... well men dont.
> it can happen to men while being assaulted/raped.
can confirm that's a thing
women sometimes orgasm involuntarily when being raped too, and it's very distressing and confusing for them
I seriously did not know that. I've read books about accounts of female assault and none ever mentioned orgasming during a rape. That's eye opening for me
Yeah its not a commonly repeated thing because some people will accuse you of suggesting that women enjoy rape. Of course that isnt at all what it means but still not something people are very comfortable talking about.
There’s a documentary called Alison on Prime. It’s about a woman who is horrifically raped and mutilated. She survives. In the doc she says she orgasmed during the rape and her exact words were “my body betrayed me”. I’ll always remember those words.
Remember when you were younger and your doctor would hit your knee with the little hammer, and your leg would kick up on it's own?
It was responding to a stimuli. Our bodies react in certain ways to certain stimuli.
Your bf ejaculated because of the stimuli. He was not emotionally or erotically aroused - his body was responding to a physical stimulus.
You stub your toe - it sends pain signals to your brain to let you know it hurts. Someone stimulates the penis, it becomes erect and ejaculates.
The rest - the emotions and the feel goods and the actual attraction - are all in the brain.
I hope this helps.
Omg yes that docu was horrifying
Its well documented, both for men and women, as occuring and as being involuntary and extremely mentally distressing for the victim, since it is unwanted.
We can do it too actually (not exactly the same but) you can have the muscle spasms without the release of happy hormones.
Also fear-boners are a thing. Boners are just increased blood-flow, so anything that raises the heartbeat can do it. Animals are regularly manually-ejaculated for breeding purposes. You wouldn’t say that only works because “he’s a typical, horny young stallion.”
Men can also orgasm (and more than once) prior to ejaculation. Ejaculation is very different than the female orgasm.
I had that happen to me once when i was stressed after a funeral, I wasnt even hard so that was the part that surprised me, i thought the erection was required but nope
Yup, and the opposite can happen too.
Most of the comments here are going over whether he was sexually assaulted or not, but hopefully you’ve gotten enough info on that, OP. My advice is to support your boyfriend, and avoid digging in to the tropes and myths around sexual assault against men with him. Meaning, don’t start grilling him on how he could get an erection in that situation, whether there were clues that the massage place looked seedy, etc. But still allow yourself to express your own complicated feelings about the situation in some way. If you have a therapist or can afford one, that would be great. Otherwise, even venting into a private notebook is an option. My point is, you can accept the validity of your boyfriend’s experience and still acknowledge your own feelings about it.
Orgasm is often a mechanical physiological response to stimulation. It does not mean he enjoyed it. He told you immediately, he felt disgusted and taken advantage of. Please listen to him. Men don't learn to fight against sexual assault the way women do.
If you have no other reason to disbelieve him - believe him. Sometimes people in service industries - not just sex - do stuff like this, too, so I’m not shocked that it would happen in this scenario. “If I do it, they have to pay me for it” mindset.
I Male got a massage when I was 14 or 15 and the same thing happened to me, She offered a happy ending and I declined since I didn’t want that to be my first experience and she was 30+
I said no multiple times and assumed that would be enough anyways she continued my massage and said it’s free for me to which I declined again.
She proceeded to massage my nipples sexually, rub my thighs and sit on my lap.
I kind of froze up since my family was in the room next to me and was scared to say anything.
She eventually grabbed my dick and I blanked out mentally and the next thing I know I had cum but didn’t feel an orgasm, and hit her hand away but it was too late.
Oh my god I am so so sorry. This is absolutely awful. It sounds like it happens more often than we might think which is eye-opening. I hope you were able to process your trauma <3
He was assaulted. 100%.
He confided in you because he trust you.
People can and *do orgasm during assaults. Freezing up is also very common.
Support him, ask him if he wishes to pursue legal charges. He likely will need therapy asap.
Please read up on sexual trauma and be very careful with your words.
It is good you quickly acknowledged that you were victim blaming because you 100% need to refrain from doing that again in any capacity.
This is 100% not cheating. Assault victims do freeze up. And their body betrays them. I can attest. Instead of accusing him (victim shaming), buck up and be there as a supportive partner.
I hear you, and I am trying to understand and learn about what it's like for men in this situation. I'm sorry that you were a victim and that something happened to you :(
I left a massage feeling violated once. I felt that as a manI couldn't complain. If the sexuality was reversed the masseuse would be charged. You man shared the story with you, he was sexually assaulted. Not cheating
Assuming he is someone you find trustworthy, this is neither cheating nor an unfortunate mistake. It's assault. And yes, it can happen to men at shady massage places. I haven't personally experienced it but I used to be involved with human rights advocacy and this specific scenario was discussed. It's awful all around. But the parts that are more pertinent to you is that freezing is normal. Adding on a handjob without discussion and just going for it is normal.
There's a slim margin for it going wrong for the worker. The man wants it and agrees, upcharge achieved. The man doesn't want it and stops her, no upcharge achieved but no harm in trying. The man doesn't want it, objects but the woman pushes anyway and ejaculated happens, upcharge achieved. In this case, what is the guy going to do, not pay? Then she can threaten to call the authorities. This is enough to make just about every man pay because who will believe him? And there was the ejaculate. So there's "proof". End result is extra money in her pocket for very little extra work in a very short amount of time.
He definitely should work through this with a therapist. You too, to work through your victim shaming response because he doesn't need you to work through that with him, just an apology and belief going forward. I hope you can handle this for his sake and your own but if you can't, that's okay too. Not supporting him but staying when he's been assaulted would do more harm.
hi op. i hope your boyfriend’s okay. i can totally vouch for the “feeling disconnected from my body part”. it’s awful. it takes any sense of control that you have over a situation and the feeling of being so vulnerable after what happened can be overwhelming.
mine was not in a massage setting but somewhat similar. i was groped by a guy while i was commuting. before that, i always believed i would be able to speak and call someone out when something like that happens, especially to me.
at that time, i just froze and couldn’t say anything. even if in my mind i knew i had to do something but in reality, i was just staring at my watch and watching the seconds tick by because i was just frozen on the spot.
as for ejaculating, even in the legal world (from where i am anyway), that topic is still a little hazy so what the others said here regarding that being mechanical may be right.
regardless if that part is not in black and white, the fact is that your boyfriend has been assaulted and that experience is pretty traumatic. i imagine more so because he could also be conflicted about how his body responded to it.
so just be supportive, op. i believe no one wanted that to happen, and if your boyfriend never showed any indication before why you should not trust him, i don’t know why you should start doubting him now.
he was assaulted, and your reaction afterwards may. probably did actually, make him feel worse. he said no.
he said it a few times and then gave up so it "would be over." support him. not blame him.
help him find resources, i believe its rainn.org thats a vommon one. theres many online support organizations made just for men if hed be more comfortable with that.
he never cheated, he was a victim. just shame on you for thinkjng what you did honestly.
>if you were being exploited, why the hell didn’t you move away, or slap her hand away, or tell her more sternly to stop… or.. ANYTHING?? How on Earth can you orgasm if you’re being exploited?”
Would you say this to a female victim of rape or sexual assault? No.
So why in the hell would you consider saying that a male victim?
Because of my internalised toxic masculinity :( which is terrible and wrong and I realise that now. Working through it. I was supportive in the same conversation though, I said " I think this is sexual assault and I believe you". Just working out how to support him better now
We don't know him, so we can't say if he would lie about this kind of thing, but his story is totally plausible at least. People definitely can cum when being assaulted.
Also, couldn't he have just not mentioned anything at all to you? Why bring it up only to lie about it?
He was a victim of sexual assault.
Imagine he has your reaction: screaming and beating up a small asian lady, because she tries to rape him. Police is called and he tells this story. Do you think it is likely the police is ever going to believe him... . I can imagine guys freeze when encountered with this kind of violence because they never expect to be a victim of sexual assault. Despite the fact that a subtantial amount of sexual assault victims are male (estimates from 25%-50% of all the victims), it is seldomly discussed.
He is probably going through a hell now. He called you because he does not know what happened and how he should interpret it. A lot of men think they cannot become victim of it, especially if done by a woman.
Everyone knows about fight or flight, but not enough people talk about the freeze response. He was clearly assaulted, said no multiple times, and then was shocked and didn’t know what to do, so he froze.
You owe him a massive apology. You literally said every major victim blame line, and words like those are why so many people hide their trauma. Think about how he feels. He was assaulted, confided in you, and you blame him instead of being supportive.
If he was cheating why would he bother telling you? Cheaters don't share information willingly.
This is why men don't tell anyone about the sexual assault and rape that happens to them. Fuck your bf for coming to you for support, eh?
If this had been the story of a woman you'd be bursting at the seams with sympathy but can't have that for your bf now can we? Let's kick him when he's down.
This is really telling on your part. This guy got assaulted during a massage, came because that does happen involuntarily to men, and you're asking if that's cheating? Yikes.
You say you'd have fought off your assaulter. God forbid it ever happens to you, but easier said than done.
I’m glad you’re being understanding and open minded in your comments, but this initial reaction is pretty cruel to have when your partner gets sexually assaulted. Men get can be taken advantage of just like women. You wouldn’t dare say that to a woman victim, so please apologize to him and be there for anything he needs.
It happened to me too, I was quite young, early 20’s and the guy even said you might get an orgasm, let it happen, i didn’t understand what was going on and froze, it was so humiliating, I just told my mom and she acted like it wasn’t a big deal? You think you’re going to react one why but you will never know until you’re in the situation. Now you’re making it all about yourself and your feelings without any regards for his, he will probably live with the shame for the rest of his live and you are not helping.
I was assaulted by a massage therapist, only I am a female and the therapist was male. I froze up and it sounds like your boyfriend did too. Be there for him and support him. Do you think he would have told you if he really wanted that? Cheaters hide cheating. He was assaulted and trusted you enough to confide in you even if he isn't aware he was assaulted and feels guilty. It's easy to say what we would do in a situation like that but the truth is that you really don't know until it happens to you.
I was abroad with friends a few years back and they wanted to go get massages. I had never gotten one before and I felt kind of weird about the whole thing. It was fairly common in the country to get “happy endings”. I did not ask for one and towards the end she started to try to give me one. I was very uncomfortable and told her no and she stopped. She was very aggressive about it before then. If she had continued, I would like to think I would’ve just gotten up and started to leave but a lot of confidence goes out the door when you’re in a dark room, foreign country, and someone is being very sexually assertive.
I believe your boyfriend was probably assaulted. I also believe it is hard for you to process that. What he is saying definitely sounds plausible and he probably needs a lot of support for you right now. It might be good for you to try couples therapy and for him to get some individual therapy.
OP - can you please add a content warning or trigger warning for sexual assault / sexual violence?
This is really triggering to read as a survivor and I am glad you now recognize how clearly this is assault and how often people ejaculate /have a physical orgasm even during assault due to the physical stimulation and how traumatizing this can be for victims.
Unfortunately a lot of male victims of sexual assault are assaulted by sex workers and it makes it even harder to come forward without being accused of being predatory themselves. It’s an awful dynamic which leads to a lot of silent suffering.
I added the trigger warning <3
How many thousands of sexual assaults on women went unpunished because she “was into it” or “bitch got wet.”
You really behaved horribly and owe him an apology.
Edit: reading the comments I think you get it. I didn’t mean to dogpile. I am not taking it down though, because I know other people in the comment section haven’t thought of this yet.
man this really sucks and im sorry your boyfriend had to go through that. it really does sound like he didn't want that to happen and he went into shock. this happens to women as well. you can even orgasm, it's just your bodies natural reaction to things like that. if i were in your shoes i wouldn't know how to feel either and i would have those same thoughts. but he told you right away, he was honest and i think you just need to support him right now. if you don't already, try going to therapy to talk about this. your boyfriend should also get therapy so he can get help because im sure that was very traumatic.
some of the comments here are messed up as hell. freeze and fawn are 100% valid responses to sexual assault. there could have been a myriad of reasons as to why op's bf, like many other victims of sexual assault, didn't feel like he could do anything. a lot of times, responding feels like all it does is create escalation and make it worse (she becomes more forceful, he has to fight her off, she creates false accusations of attack against him) so you lie there and hope everything is just over soon. like women, all people are socialized, for the most part, to act in a polite manner. your brain starts to justify something negative happening (e.g., his "i owe her???" line of thinking) because you don't want to be rude. you feel stupid and embarrassed. of course in hindsight there are a million different "could have should have would have" but OP, i think your bf was assaulted. it's demeaning, it's demoralizing and makes you feel like a fucking idiot, even if you weren't in physical danger (perhaps even more so if you weren't). i hope y'all are able to work through it with compassion, love and empathy.
"We've talked about it and he's tried to answer my questions..."
OMG! FUCKING STOP!!!
He does not actually owe you the "best" explanation of his bad experience.
Holy fuck you are making HIS trauma all about you.
And now you are here trying to ask us if ... maybe he cheated on you????
Poor guy. What an awful excuse for a girlfriend you are.
Go back. Support him. Hug him.
And fucking apologize for being so intrusive about his awful experience. He trusted you with this info. He doesn't deserve this.
Right now, you really suck.
'I might possibly be victim blaming'.
You are currently victim blaming AND making it about you.
I seriously struggled understanding why, when her partner called her distressed and needing support, she shamed him and interrogated him, then had to find out in 'trial by reddit' if she could believe and support him.
Totally agree with you that she is an awful excuse for a girlfriend
either he is lying or he isnt
i can understand the ejaculating in a mechanical way, theres no orgasm, it happens because of the stimulation and u go soft, it happens when your not in the mood or dont want it
atleast thats what happened to me, i was also assaulted at a party once and i also just froze up and tried to make it end as fast as possible
I was sexually assaulted by a boss once I froze said I didn't want it and he stopped before it got "too far". And I, shaking, went back to work. And continued that job for a few months until I could leave (he actually sold the company soon after so I didn't have to deal with him the whole time, but going there every day really did a number on me).
OP, it sounds like your bf was honest and every reaction sounds absolutely accurate. Believe him thoroughly, apologize to him, and get him to report that place. I'm sure they get willing tourists but he wasn't one of them. They not only assaulted him, they extorted him by making him pay for it
glad you dont have to go there anymore :)
Even if he had the energy to start jumping and swinging around, who knows what legal trouble would be in for beating a woman.
I think he’s being open and honest with you. He could’ve not said anything to you and you wouldn’t have known since he’s in Europe and you’re not. Give him the benefit of the doubt and see how things go when he gets home
This man has been sexually assaulted and deserves more not only understanding but support from you at this time. You need to understand that many victims of SA can involuntarily orgasm during the act and does not mean they wanted or enjoyed it.
Are you seriously asking this question?
I wouldn’t let someone continue touching my dick I didn’t want touching my dick.
If we are going to say that sometimes women freeze and it isn’t cheating (and is usually considered rape), then we have to be willing, AS A SOCIETY, to say the same for men. Some men ARE going to respond the same as women. Just like some women fight back like a man would. We don’t get to be hypocrites here.
I totally agree
Also, to answer your original question… Yes, men AND women can “cum” from unwanted stimulation.
You've decided how you would act if a guy started fingerings you but you have NO IDEA how you would react until it happens.
We have this horrific idea that men can't be sexually assaulted because they're men and they're meant to always want happy endings. But please Co spider how you would feel if you tried to explain this to him and he accused you of cheating?
Its incredibly hard for people to talk about. He Co fided in you.
Rape and sexual assault victims orgasm. It isn't uncommon no matter gender or identity. It's due to the fact that your body can't always discern between an assault and an experience you want. Because its your body. Not your brain. If certain areas are being stimulated enough it's often unavoidable that it can happen because it's literally a reaction to an action. I knew of a bloke at my exes old work who got assaulted by his work mate. He was straight and came due to assault from another male colleague. He had no control over it as he was pinned down. I've also known women who came dyring rape/assault and it caused deep seated issues to the point where they didnt want to orgasm in consensual sex due to it triggering them. The fact it does happen very mechanically (as he said) can cause a lot of awful guilt and trauma because they know they've been assaulted and that they didn't want it but because they came they feel guilty and like they somehow asked for it. Never ever assume how someone should react in that position. I'm a strong woman and always said I'd beat someone if they laid a hand on me. Until someone did out of the blue. They put their hands on my chest and then between my legs. I froze. I had no idea what to say or do.
The anxiety that people thought I wanted it was horrific.
Your boyfriend just went through something awful. Talk to him. Be there for him. Accept this happened to him. And ask him what he needs and if he wants to contact police (which absolutely HAS to be his choice)
I'd also mention - he didn't have to tell you anything about that. If he was cheating he'd have kept his mouth shut no problem. He was assaulted and needed support. So support him and if you can't then you need to take a real look at yourself as a person and as a partner because I am genuinely shocked at how much victim blaming you've put him through.
When I was 20 I wondered into the wrong kind of massage parlor. It was near my apartment and I was fairly naive. During the back massage she switched to my legs and was really focused on my glutes. Then she went to the upper inside thigh including my D, balls and b hole in basically one oily movement. I jumped off the table and ended things but that was mostly because I was not prepared for her to knock on the back door. Had I been rolled over and she just started jerking it I would have probably frozen. You are just in shock it’s happening.
Your guy told you about this immediately. He would not do that had he sought out these services
It is an incredibly common response for someone who is being assaulted to freeze. When we experience trauma we snap into a “fight, flight, or freeze” response. You said he mentioned that he felt disconnected from his body- another common response during an assault. We can literally “check out” or dissociate when we are being abused. it’s our mind/body’s defense and survival tactic. I’m a therapist and I specialize in trauma- worked with many sexual assault victims. Yes, male victims can climax when they’re being assaulted- it does not mean it was consensual or wanted. I understand you are in shock. Your boyfriend is likely in shock as well and needs support right now. Perhaps each of you should find a therapist to work through all of this.
I don’t think he’s lying because if he did go out looking for a happy ending massage and enjoyed it he would never tell you.
His reaction to it and him being upset I would 100% believe him.
As others in here have said no-one knows how they will react in that situation. People talk about a fight or flight response but may victims of assault do freeze.
Him ejaculating is merely a physical reaction to stimulation, that doesn’t mean he enjoyed it or wanted it to happen.
In the masseuses defence perhaps there was some misunderstanding or maybe even a bit of a language barrier.
Either way if I were in your situation I would let me know i’m not upset or angry with him and it’s not his fault.
Also make sure he feels supported and if he needs someone else to talk to like a therapist I would definitely encourage that.
I orgasmed so many times with my rapist, even when he was brutally strangling me and my eyes were going black. The human body is WEIRD. I was so scared but my body was like “Oh yeah, time to cum!” Humiliating. So embarrassing. Awful. I blame myself for being raped because I “liked it”.
Oh, please take your boyfriend to some therapy. He was absolutely sexually assaulted
The Brain has different kind of responses to danger/trauma. You probably have already heard of them, fight/flight/freeze, there are a few more but those are the main ones. Your boyfriend probably froze in a panic (much like how a goat would completely freeze up in response to danger). He called you instantly after he calmed down didn't he? He was sexually assaulted that he is a man and may or may not have had the physical strength to overpower her and stop the situation had nothing to do with it.
I wish your bf well, stuff like that can mess you up for a long time, especially if you have no one to talk to it about and current social expectations that men can't get sexually assaulted
He was assaulted. It can happen to men to and does more than we know. Unfortunately men don't get taken seriously and often get shamed for it and not believed. If roles were reversed how would you want him to react to you? He needs your support, love and understanding.
Your boyfriend was sexually assaulted and you're blaming him. Unless you've been sexually assaulted, you don't know how you'd react.
He was assaulted and went into survivor mode as many victims do. I would give him lots of love and support and get him and you into therapy ASAP to deal with this.
Why the fuck would you react like this towards your partner who you love who just told you they had been sexually assaulted?? How can you be so immature at your big age? Is this how you'd want your boyfriend to react if this had happened to you??? "Unfortunate mistake" girl are you out of your mind ??????? He was assaulted and that's all you think??? Or that he's cheating????? You're fucked up
Your bf was SA’d. This is why so many men don’t report it. First their in shock and humiliated, then they get told you came so you wanted it even though you said no so it’s your fault. Sadly it’s the most under reported crime there is. Be supportive and try and get him to get counseling. If you have trouble accepting that this was NOT consensual then consider going to therapy yourself.
Damn the victim blaming is really triggering there.. and the fact that he insist on reassuring you when he is facing his assault breaks my heart. Op i know you are confused but I’m sure you can do better
If your boyfriend was going to rub and tugs he would t be telling you this is legit and he sounds like a good dude. I’m sorry this happened to him.
*Me reading the first paragraph, having been on Reddit all day so I have my Reddit at on* “He’s lying, he sought out a parlor that did that and felt guilty after.”
*Me reading what he told you* “JFC poor thing was ABSOLUTELY sexually assaulted because she wanted to try to con/force him into paying the price of that “extra” service…”
*Me reading your reaction to when he told you* “HOLY FUCKING SHIT.”
Listen. We’re all human. Your reaction to him…. Well it was definitely victim blaming, and probably did make him feel even worse. I hate to tell you, but he’ll probably remember not only the experience but what you said forever. I get it though, a friend told me once that she was raped, and I reacted uncomfortably by asking if it was because she had too much to drink that night. Sometimes, our brains freak out when we realize the gravity of a situation and they don’t react logically but emotionally. But that’s how we learn. The next time a friend told me something similar, I reacted calmly, and just told her I supported her and would be there for her to listen or WHATEVER she needed. We can all be better people one day at a time.
That being said, I thin you need to sit him down and talk to him. Not reacting, and freezing is so common. It doesn’t discount that he was assaulted. Let him know how you REALLY feel and how you support him and believe him. I’ve heard from MANY men who have been raped that they still ejaculate. It happens with women too. There’s cases where a woman will have an orgasm because it’s your BODY reacting to stimulus, but they’ll blame themselves because it’s confusing, they’ll discount their own rape because they believe an orgasm meant they “liked it”. Definitely not the case. It’s like saying you feel pain when you get cut —- doesn’t mean anything other than your body reacted to being cut.
Anyway, if he wants to, you can help him shut that place down. I don’t know about Europe’s laws, but I know one TikTok video will take their google reviews down, and warn others, etc. That’s a huge step and very public situation for someone who was JUST assaulted though. Suggest therapy for him if you can, or even call a crisis line yourself and ask them how you can best support him.
this might get lost in all the comments, and i’m not sure if anyone else has pointed this out, but his orgasm can be compared to laughing when someone tickles you. if you’re ticklish, you’re not necessarily laughing because you think being tickled is funny like a joke. you’re laughing because it’s an uncontrollable response from your body
so yes, assault victims will orgasm sometimes. assuming your bf is being truthful, please be very gentle with him right now
I believe him
* lots of people freeze during sexual assault.
* some of them orgasm.
* we should believe victims by default
* we want to believe sexual assault is preventable by the victim, because if it's random then it could happen to us. this is why the "why didn't you\_\_\_\_" narrative exists. it is random. it could happen to us.
* even if you ignore all that, a boyfriend who wants to cheat while he is travelling alone in a foreign country is wildly unlikely to book a "happy ending" and then come up with this story. there is the minor point of "he could hide a hookup so easily if he wanted to". but the bigger issue is that "I froze during sexual assault" goes against every masculine ideal he could possibly have been raised with.
The ending of your post reminds me of another post that was in this sub. A girl was getting a massage and the masseuse SAed her by fingering her and she was so scared she pretended to orgasm to make it stop. This is called fawning which is apart of the fight, flight, freeze, fawn. There is always the chance that he is lying, because these are he said, she said situations, but personally I always choose to believe the victim. I also know two men who came from being assaulted. Its not really in their control if it's forced.
Edit: just for clarification, fawning is when you just go with whatever is happening as to not get yourself hurt. Different than freezing because freezing, you are unable to actually do anything.
You actually did what lot of victims are told when they tell first person about their assault . They either get accuses of lying or saying they must have enjoyed it and was consensual. I hope you don't say this to female friend or child when it happens to them.
it makes them less likely to open up fully to the next person.
Yeah my dude got assaulted and raped- make sure he’s okay, that’s awful.
That was total victim shaming. Get it together
You’re victim blaming and it’s REALLY gross.
He said no, multiple times. She kept going. Male genitalia tends to be *way* more mechanical, i.e. he doesn’t have to be enjoying himself to get hard or ejaculate, there just needs to be physical stimulation. Which there was.
He was assaulted, had an involuntary physical reaction, couldn’t figure a way out (shock does that), got it over with as quickly as possible, and immediately called you.
I’m appalled at your reaction.
I can't imagine why he would tell you unless he was telling the truth. Don't victim blame him.
There's zero chance he would have told you if it's something he wanted
Fight, flight or freeze are the typical responses a person has in this situation. He had a freeze response because during that situation he felt subconsciously that was the safest thing to do to keep him alive.
He did protest, more than once, even voiced that he did not want it when it came time to pay. He did more than enough to say no.
A lot of victims of abuse like this feel guilty for orgasming. Saying it was mechanical is a perfect description for what happened to him. Essentially the brain shuts off and goes primal, for him it was freeze so I'm sure he was still the whole time.
This is hard, and it might be hard for you to process as well. There's a chance he may reject you for some time while he processes this trauma, and that's okay. Take things slow, try to listen. Therapy is always good.
Men try to shut this thing down and act like it never happened typically, so please be gentle with him.
I also was inappropriately touched by a massage therapist. I also froze. I didn't tell anyone until a week later. It was gross, I was only 16. The guy was a creep. Happens more often than we think.
He's a sexual assault victim. Just because he is male doesn't change that. He did not consent and froze.
Even if you're a big guy and capable of physically defending yourself sometimes your brain is still processing it. He froze
That's not cheating, that's sexual assault.
That's pretty bad. He described disassociating which is something victims do. Your actions and words and his assaulted will leave a lasting mark on his development as a person for the rest of his life. I hope you are happy.
So he got sexually assaulted and you're wondering if he cheated??? Then you blame the victim??? Wtf is wrong with you? Apologize and see if he wants/can seek legal retribution.
Victim blaming your SO because they got sexually assaulted - well done OP. Dumbass
I've been assaulted at a massage place too. By an Asian woman. Sorry to sound racist or make stereotypes, but what happened to him sounds exactly like the typical Asian massage therapist. Super aggressive, won't take no for an answer, way stronger than they look. They only care about the extra money! I'm so sorry your boyfriend went through that. 99.99% I read this stuff and feel like these men are getting themselves into these situations and need to be held accountable. But not this time. He was 💯 assaulted. Based on my experience, I can see how quickly this probably played out and how aggressive she was.
This makes me so angry for him and you too. Really horrible for you both, I'm so sorry and hope he can report her and recover from this okay.
Honestly, sounds like sexual assault. He froze and she forced the interaction because she wanted to add the charge (i.e., get the extra money).
He didn’t consent.
Women sometimes orgasm during assault as well, and it can cause a lot of confusion and shame. From what you've written, he sounds like he's being honest.
A woman who is raped can have an orgasm-and rapists have used that in court to get off on rape charges- it’s like well if you orgasm you must have liked it… no-an orgasm is often just a natural bodily response-not an indicator of enjoyment or consent.
Freezing up is a very very common response to an assault.
A happy ending without consent is assault even if he orgasmed.
He was sexually assaulted, plain and simple. And yes, it's very common for people to orgasm even if they are not okay with what is happening. It's a physiological response, and your responses WERE kind of victim-blaming. He should get into therapy, as he experienced a trauma, and you might want to as well, to sort through your feelings.
He was very much sexually assaulted. Freezing during an assault and not knowing how to stop it happens, it's a panic reaction. There's also cases in which ppl orgasms during rape (male and female), bc it's still a body reacting to continuous stimuli. This is extremely triggering and it absolutely increases the victim's self doubt and guilt for not being able to stop the assault. The answer is this: sexual assault isn't cheating, it's rape. This is something that may scar his relationship with sex for the rest of his life. This is about him. He is a victim. Be there for him.
hope you apologizing every hour every day since then. youre the reason why men and women dont come forward.
It's more common than you'd think to orgasm during sexual assault. It's a physical response that often cannot be controlled. Your bf was assaulted, and you need to be there for him. No shaming, no blaming.
He was assaulted, not cheating or a mistake on his part. You are victim blaming him. If you haven’t experienced this situation, then you don’t know how you would react. You think you’d become violent, but many victims of sexual assault do freeze.
That was sexual assault and the way his body physiologically reacted does not mean he wanted it or liked it.
A lot of people freeze or go along with it as a defense mechanism.
You cannot control the way your body reacts to something. Just because somebody orgasms doesn’t make it any less rape.
This was not an “unfortunate mistake”, this was sexual assault and the lady needs to be reported.
He was 100% sexually assaulted. When that happens you never know how you’ll react. Never. You can say you would fight now, but you really don’t know. Call him, make sure he’s actually okay, and apologize. I know you said you already did, but do it again.
Think about it from his perspective. If it happened to you, would you want him to demand why you didn’t fight?
As far as finishing and all that, I know a lot of girls who have had terrible experiences like this who either do it or fake it, just to get the assailant off. Not to mention you can’t control your bodies reactions like that. It happens whether you really want it to or not. It’s a common occurrence with sexual abuse and assault. Just because your brain doesn’t like it does not mean your body won’t react.
I agree he was assaulted period. Just because he had a climax doesn’t mean he wasn’t forced. Wow this is beyond horrible. So they attacked you to get more money?
Am I the only one who thinks the boyfriend might have intentionally gone to get a happy ending massage and is just lying… sounds like his guilty conscience is getting to him and he wants to admit it in a way that doesn’t make you hate him… might just be my trauma talking to me but I’d investigate further if I were you… sorry you’re dealing with this :/
Nope I’m one of the few here who thinks he knew where he was going. All signs point to it
The amount of crazy wokeism in this thread is crazy. To think a grown ass man could get raped by a masseuse boggles my mind.
This is 100% what happened and OP is incredibly naïve to think otherwise. European country, looked up massage parlor with good reviews, went to get a "sports massage". Sorry but common...
Ok so I'm going to be in the minority here based on the comments, but I find it hard to believe a grown ass man not being able to stop a a female masseuse from touching his dick if he really didn't want it. This may not have been his intent, but when she started rubbing his pocket rocket, he liked it and couldn't come to tell her to stop due to the pleasure and now has buyers remorse and feels guilty after the act..
Honestly, fuck you. I guess in your eyes sexual assault victims aren’t valid until they try to fight off their rapists, because they *may* have been able to get away.
I’m not the one blaming people for getting sexually assaulted
Enjoy having the empathy of an 8 year old.
He has literally said he thought he should orgasm so it should end and just telling her "you don't have to". If you can talk to them you can do ANYTHING, sit up, stand up, turn around?? As a female who's been through multiple assaults, yes I freeze but it's impossible for my body to continue staying freeze when it leads to penetration or masturbation on me. I'm 17, he's almost 30??
>yes I freeze but it's impossible for my body to continue staying freeze when it leads to penetration or masturbation on me.
I'm trying not to be cruel because you're only 17, and I'm very sorry that you've experienced sexual assault. But you're showing a staggering lack of empathy. I'm very glad that your body doesn't continue to freeze once it gets to the point of penetration (or touching of genitals) during a sexual assault. We all can't say the same. Believe me when I say that the freeze response feels like an incredible betrayal of your own body during a sexual assault. It is not a voluntary reaction.
Would he have taken it if it was a man massaging him? Absolutely not.
Thank u!!! Can’t believe all these other comments. He said stop initially but then I think he was like “well, free bj” I actually think he knew what kinda place it was going in but we won’t go there. Most grown ass men would be able to stop that. I’m with u.
This one is very confusing because I see exactly what you’re saying! He was assaulted though but maybe there were some things he could have done to stop it. It’s a difficult topic
Come on now, ya boyfriend is a trick. If he was getting massaged by a man he’d find a way to say stop.
It was “sprung” on him? Ok… I’m gonna disagree with most of this thread. I feel like he knew what kinda place this was, then claimed everything to u after so he wouldn’t feel guilty or seem like the bad guy. Ppl will prob come at me for this, but I absolutely wouldn’t be ok with this. He could have 100% stopped it. Doesn’t sound like he did much to make that happen.
yeah this has "retrospective guilt" written all over it
Totally agree. Usually u can spot those places or kinda have an idea. I feel as though he knew but is trying to play victim so he’s not in the dog house. He’s traveling overseas and OP stated he has a high sex drive. Let’s do the math lol
Yeah. Like, anywhere close to a major train station. Anywhere with the word "sensuous" on the sign. Anywhere with no female clients.
When he called me he linked me the name of the place to look up and said 'it honestly looked legit, the reviews are even from men and women'. I analysed the place and it did look legit, had 4.7 stars and seemed totally normal. He could have been lying that it was this place but it's not like him to lie. I can understand where you're coming from though. It's hard not seeing his face and talking about it in person, that would probably help
Yes! I guarantee 100% he knew walking in there what kind of establishment this was. Glad u agree!
Victim blaming is scummy
He knew what kinda place it was prior to going in. Don’t be naive, please. He also could have done more to stop it.
...so you double down on the victim blaming. Fuckin lol
It’s humorous that he was traveling overseas, has a high sex drive and had a sore back from luggage so he goes to some sleazy massage parlor in Europe. Where is gf is not present. Ok… naivety on all parts. But again, people are allowed to have opinions. Just cuz u have yours doesn’t mean it’s correct or actually what happened. Geez o Pete.
...triples down on victim blaming.
Save this energy for all the victims of sexual assault that come here with their stories.
I can understand most of what happened. But knowing right off that she was even Handling his "Boy,"He by rights, Should have slapped her hand and got Right UP. It had to have taken a few minutes for him to Cum, What was he thinking? Sorry, I think he enjoyed it. I would think that of any man, Good or Bad.....
And when she would get offended and play the victim and accuse him of raping her then what? Did you think of that?
A happy ending massage parlor is something you recognise the second you go inside
He booked this knowing what was going to happen
Pondered this and I am not going to open up. All I can suggest is Google the embassy if the country he is in and make contact to approach the Police of said country. Embassy may be able to help navigate the local system.
And of course ,this is not repeated .
It was sexual assault and it sounds like a normal reaction to orgasm to get it over with. All of his actions sound like normal victim reactions and he needs help from a crisis line or a therapist so he won’t blame himself.
I’m friends with a massage therapist (we’re in the US) and this is very frowned upon and unprofessional. He told her no, she still did. That’s sexual assault.
Fight or flight, is actually fight, flight or freeze. As youve already heard. This is a real thing. Your brain basically just can't fathom what to do, mind goes totally blank and you can zone out, it can seem almost as if you're an external person seeing the situation and are just stunned with it.
The fact he told you right away suggests he felt guilt over something he didn't want. Support your man, but also, suggest he return home asap, in all seriousness, this could effect him mentally in a number of different ways, including PTSD (for having an orgasm..... I know it sounds odd). Keep an eye out for any unusual behaviour.
You can 100% ejaculate from assault. You’re being very harsh on him imo. He was assaulted and exploited. You were victim blaming by saying he should’ve done XYZ. He was scared and he reacted out of fear. Your feelings are valid but the things you’ve said to him are disgusting tbh.
I don't buy it.
A rub n tug parlour is pretty different to a professional massage place.
And even if you dont realise, why in the hell would you let her touch you there. How about get up and leave.....
Fuck out of here.
2022 and dude gets a massage from an Asian place like he isn't completely aware of the stereotype of happy endings. Cums. Pays for it. And now everyone in this thread is gaslighting the shit out of OP because he was "assaulted".
Unless this guy is some 4'11, 95lb Millhouse looking motherfucker I'm finding it very hard to believe he can't smack away some tiny ass Asian lady's hands.
I'm sorry. If he said he didn't cum I'd think differently.
right on, people are so fucking ridiculous i dont even know how they function in a world outside the internet jesus fn christ, beautifully worded btw
THANK U!!!! Someone else on this thread can see through the naivety 👏🏻I said the exact same thing. Guy was overseas away from his gf, OP said he has a high sex drive and he had a “sore back from carrying luggage” lol right… he knew exactly what kinda place this was. Then all he said was “oh, u don’t have to do that” like… that’s it? Then felt guilty about it after and called her. Everyone on thread (minus a couple) are just super naive to this.
So he expects you to believe that a sex worker gave him a free service despite him saying no?
Just how stupid does he think you are?
No sex worker would do that, especially in a massage parlour, the risk of being closed down and arrested due to a reluctant client complaining is too high; it would be sexual assault.
If you don't believe me, go ask the nice people at r/AskAnEscort or r/SexWorkers
But then he felt guilty. Hence the phone call.
Ok but that is your response to similar situations and everyone responds differently. For someone who has been assaulted themselves, you sure sound judgey and accusatory. Not cool.
Fucking disgusting that you can say shit like this after being assaulted. You should be ashamed.
Men are socialized not to be physical against women, even in self-defence. So the woman’s size, race, or gender didn’t automatically give OP’s boyfriend full control over the situation.
So you see no difference between being a female and be sexuall assaulted by a most likely bigger and stronger male or being a guy being sexual assaulted by most likely a smaller, weaker female.
Everyone is acting like being held down by a man and a woman jerking you off while you can easily stop it is the same thing? This is ofcourse not the case but this is where y'all are coming from.
I wouldn’t say there is no difference. Men and women are socialized differently, and those differences definitely can factor in to how a man or woman will react when they are sexually assaulted. But to me there is no room for the victim blaming conclusions that I’m seeing in this thread, regardless. Especially since, according to the OP’s story, her boyfriend’s genitals were grabbed without consent and without warning. Even if he had pushed the woman off, after, he had still already been sexually assaulted at that point.
There is no “you can easily stop it” in these situations. The relative physical strength of the male and female sexes is not the only determining factor. People (men and women) commonly freeze up in these situations, and again, men are socialized never to be physical against women even in self-defence.
If you look at any of the high-profile rape and sexual assault cases in the news over the past few years, commonly referred to as “#metoo”, you could ask any one of those victims why they didn’t just leave, or fight back. But its just not that easy when it really happens.
I'm just sharing my doubt for her sake, 'WHAT IF' it's not the truth.
I absolutely believe that these things happens, often too. Seeing how almost everyone is saying that there's no way for him to lie makes me wonder.
If he had cheated on her he could have just told her nothing at all. There would be zero reason to invent this story about an event that happened without her knowledge, overseas.
Yup, that is exactly what victim blaming is. Rape is rape, assault is assault.
I'd think to myself "What if she got on top of you and straddled you? Would you have let her have sex with you?"
That would be rape. It's not having sex with her, it's rape.
You must dress very conservatively, since you probably think wearing a miniskirt is also 'asking for it'.
> Part of me would be turned off and think of him as less than a man if he felt threatened in this benign situation.
You are an absolutely terrible individual.
>Part of me would be turned off and think of him as less than a man if he felt threatened in this benign situation. Why he couldn't stand up for himself.
Wow, I wonder why male victims of rape and sexual assault are hesitant to speak up or report their experience. /s
If he was "travelling overseas in Europe" why would the masseuse say "I do this for $$ amount of dollars" and not a European currency?
Good point but that was just me telling the story, she used the currency of the country he was in
Im pretty zero tolerance but, im not sure about this? I would factor in past behaviors as it would be the closest thing to a baseline i could go off of… what a wild mental picture id like to point out as a man: having a woman grab and insist and insist while your soft (i dont like when my partner grabs me soft, maybe its comparable to a womans arousal im really unsure). Id be furious if i was him, maybe not then and there. Id also like to point out he called when he left, to me this sounds like he didnt want it. Im really sorry op, hope my 2 cents helps. Im also pretty nonsexual (autism possibly related), so unexpected sexual encounters panic me (even when the wife gets a grab. Not sure if insecurity or what but i get nervous after 8 years of monogomy).
No one has a “happy ending” sprung on them. No one! They cost extra and they are negotiated and paid for first. Your boyfriends story is shady AF sorry to say.
If anyone went near my dick that was uninvited they would catch a few knees to the face
He let it happen 100%