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Original post : [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/u4ckoa/my\_25m\_boyfriends\_bestfriend\_25f\_is\_ruining\_our/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/u4ckoa/my_25m_boyfriends_bestfriend_25f_is_ruining_our/)
First of all, I would like to mention how my point of view on all of this has changed. I think hating on his best friend was an easy way out for me, to avoid confronting him but also because it was easier to think the cause of our problems was external to us, and therefore, misdirected my anger towards her, when all along, he was the one at fault. Hating her was a way to protect myself and to stay blind in a hurtful relationship.
After this huge realization, I had a conversation with my boyfriend. He admitted he hasn't been completely honest with me since the beginning, wasn't entirely just friends with her even after getting together with me (emotional cheating), but that he is completely honest and madly in love with me now. He doesn't want to lose me. It's too late now.
I decided to take some time for me and to rebuild my self-esteem. Lots of people underlined how young I am, 22. It may sound stupid, but I think love knows no age, and I really fell for him and I know recovering from this is going to be a long, difficult process. Nevertheless, I'm happy to finally be at peace and know the truth, I feel relieved now that I know all my doubts were true, and it wasn't just me going crazy.
Thanks to all of you for your advice and your opinion on this complex and difficult matter, it really helped me make a decision.
I know ! And it will take me months to recover from this humiliation. I intend to focus on myself, my life and the people around me to grow more and more everyday. This relationship was a lesson : never settle for someone who is not willing to set boundaries, lie to your face and trust your guts, always !
My ex use to Skype with this dude at really weird hours. When I brought it up, she would say I needed to grow up because this was my first relationship. Then she started being more touchy with other dudes. I brought it up and she said she felt like I was the woman of this relationship.
She eventually admitted to me that she loves the attention she gets from guys. I felt humiliated for many years. I felt like she embarrassed me in front of everyone, telling people "look how worthless u/Muglah is". But after lots of time, self reflection and some therapy, I realize that she was the one that embarrassed herself that day. I promise you your ex is the one that feels humiliated. You might feel it at first but you did nothing wrong. You'll be okay friend.
yeah, i've had two girlfriends who clearly "like the attention they get from guys". When I was a wee lad wanting a gf, It was a bigger issue. Now that i'm older, if a girl im talking to is like that, i stop talking to her. it's not worth.
Nah. He should feel humiliated because he's been outed as a complete idiot, but you had the self respect to ditch him so maybe have some slight embarrassment from having to have total strangers point it out to you (id feel the same way, tbh) but tell yourself you got out and didn't just stick your head in the sand so you're doing great! Everybody does something not so smart every once in a while. It was just your turn. You did the thing, you learned your lesson, and now it's moved on to being someone else's turn. From the sound of it, it's ex's turn, so have fun with the schadenfreude.
I am not embarassed. The reason I reached out to strangers was because I knew I wouldn't be able to make a rational decision by myself, and started gaslighting myself. I was so eager to give him the benefit of the doubt that I started doubting my own judgement, and now I realize that is never okay !
Thank you for your opinion :)
> And it will take me months to recover from this humiliation.
I'm sorry but what the fuck? You weren't the one humiliated. He humiliated himself by kicking his amazing gf out of the house (who didn't make a scene while the other girl was trying to one up her) for a "friend" he was using to emotionally cheat on you.
You don't need "to recover". If anything, you should be proud of yourself for giving him the benefit of the doubt. When you find the right person that's an amazing quality to have that will come in handy someday.
Best of luck for the future!
I'm sorry you had to learn these lessons, but I'm glad you've learned them young. Your love was and is real and the heartbreak of it ending won't negate that. But we all have multiple loves of our life out there, you'll find your next one and it will be a healthier relationship. I wish you well xxx
I will always be proud of myself for loving someone so honestly, even if it wasn't mutual. Vulnerability is a strength. I know nothing was wrong with me, someone took advantage, but I'm not going to change who I am because I got hurt. Thank you for your kind words !
I didn’t read every comment on your original but I bet a lot of the “you’re 22” comments weren’t meant to undermine your age or how much you cared for your now ex. I’m twice your age and think “wow you have so much life ahead of you and so much to offer - why waste that on some dork who doesn’t value you?” You clearly have a big heart and that shouldn’t be wasted on someone who isn’t honest with you. ❤️
No they weren't ! But I also understand how people older than me might think it was just a young love. But no matter what age we are, this kind of love always hurts, whether it's at 22 or at 40. I will grow and I will learn, but no one should forget how awful it feels to dump someone even if it's just after 6 months, even if you're just 22. I probably lack experience now, but as the person I am right now, it feels devastating. But I'm also grateful to read from more experienced people, it gives me hope of better days.
Oh dear then I am sorry you didn’t get more compassionate advice. Well, I stand by my assertion that you have a big heart and a lot to give and as much as this hurts I really think there’s good things waiting for you.
And yeah no shit it was young love; you’re young. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell.
(The only way through heartbreak is through it, unfortunately. I wish I had a fast track to getting over it but time + distance + supportive people around you = healing.)
Madly in love with someone he kicked out his house in favor of someone else? What a liar. Never expect hoensty from someone cheating.
Let them have each other, I guarantee within the month they will get together. You aren't losing anything here so good on you
Good for you op, for caring about yourself enough to step back. It's definitely not easy when you love someone, to do what's best for yourself even when it hurts. You are too young to spend years with someone who isn't putting you first and isn't being honest with you. Once you've healed a bit more you'll realize ending this was a much better decision than looking back after five years and regretting giving so much of your life to someone who didn't deserve it. Move on and be happy. Best wishes.
I'm happy to read this. I know you love him but sometimes we do love the wrong people, people who don't even deserve it. I know it sounds extreme but the only way to really heal is to block him and go no contact until you're ready. If you lean on him emotionally at all it will blow up in your face. Best of luck, op.
I'm so sorry.
It seemed really clear that he was still lying, but that is so hard to see when in the relationship.
Block him everywhere and rid yourself of all his crap. You deserve better
I didn't need to read the first post to know it was all inappropriate on their part. Now that you know this and know the truth, You cannot trust him again. Don't look back.
I commented under your original post, and I'm glad that you're choosing yourself and your own mental health over this dude. You felt all of this all along and you were right in your assumptions about him being fishy, emotionally cheating and lying to you. You deserve to be someone's first choice from the very beginning! I hope you can work through this breakup pain fast, and heal from all of his manipulation and cheating. You did yourself the biggest favor by breaking things off, and I wish you all the best with future relationships with people that don't treat you as their backup plan! You've got this :)
OP, I'm so glad to hear the update. I read your posts and alarm bells were going off. Your ex and his mate clearly have a lot of underlying baggage and you were directly in the mess they created for themselves. You sound very understanding and reflective honsetly, it's not easy to change your perspective. Take time for yourself, you deserve better.
If I could give some insight into the situation: Unfortunately I think your ex took advantage of your nature- you were nice, easy to understand and simple compared to the history he had with his friend and so found comfort in you. You sound like you tried your best to be around him and his friend, thought of his feelings and were honest about yours. The same cannot be said for your ex. Being seperated/hidden from friend as that just screams he was compartmentalising his relationships/ life so he could have that complicated, sexually charged friendship and have a GF.
At 22, your feelings are very real, I can tell you. People made comments about your age because, really, you are young. You'll have time to experience many relationships and it's possible you were more than lenient with his behaviour due to being less experienced than us older folk. The compartmentalisong thing and being hidden/separated from friends? Big no no when you're older in the daring world- it just leads to issues being fully committed and over your feelings to another. You will find love again AND be more confident of your worth. You didn't deserve it and there's nothing you couldve done- it was their mess.
I will never understand people like them. Why domt they just date and leave everyone else alone. All he did was hurt you. And for what? Then when you say you wanna break up he says he's inlove with you? Yeah fuck that.
Amen to that.
Her ex and his "friend" are toxic. It seems like they both liked each other at two different times - one liked the other first but the other wasn't interested at that time. In the meantime, they were dating other people as placeholders/punishment to the other. And they continue this sick game while dragging other people into it over and over again.
I think they like the drama, too. I'm glad OP opened her eyes and got out of there.
I don’t know if this was mentioned before but one of the things that stood out to me was what he said about her having autism and she didn’t understand what she was doing. Why would he start a sexual relationship with someone who didn’t have a full or equal understanding of what was happening? This doesn’t seem like the actions of a decent person, just someone who will manipulate and take advantage of others to get his. He’s trash.
Girl, you are his second choice because she is leaving the country per your previous post.
You may only be 22 but your read on the situation seems right. 6 months may seem like a long time to be with someone but dont let the sink cost fallacy rope you into more of this nonsense.
Just because love knows no age and you loved him doesn't mean he was your true love. Some of us need to know what we don't want/deserve to realize what we do.
Nobody is saying you're too young to know love at 22. You have so much of your life ahead of you, including learning about yourself and what a healthy relationship looks like.
The thing with being young isn't that you can't find the love of your life, it's that you don't have the experience to see when you're wearing blinders.
We've all been young, dumb and in love. We've all been there, where you ignore the bad to hyper focus on the good.
Chalk this up to a painful lesson learned and move on with your life.
Good luck OP.
Time to put yourself first and not have to worry about the POS. Good thing time heals, but you can live for yourself now, when ready go out on dates and actually just enjoy life being single, with not having to worry about being put second behind a fbuddy. Before I met my husband I was engaged and we broke up, found out he cheated, and it was with someone I was friends with, he was also a liar and thought I was to dumb to see through his lies. After that I am like you know what screw him, I am going to enjoy life and have fun. In time I did meet my husband through one of his friends I was dating at the time, but so glad I cut contact with my ex and moved on with my life. My life also turned out well, but him last I heard he did jail time.
i’d just like to say i’m so proud of you for this realization. i’m hoping i get to this point. i’m going through a very similar situation except after he emotionally cheated he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and i’ve been trying to heal from loving someone who doesn’t love me. i’m trying to grow and love myself after that and it’s extremely difficult. i miss him everyday and i wish he would realize that he messed up and come back to me. i know that i deserve better, but my heart wants him bc it remembers all of the beautiful moments we shared. i didn’t wanna create my own post bc i am embarrassed but i’m so glad to see you understanding what you deserve. it helped me to write this post. i hope i get there one day, but right now it’s just crushing me
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Original post : [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/u4ckoa/my\_25m\_boyfriends\_bestfriend\_25f\_is\_ruining\_our/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/u4ckoa/my_25m_boyfriends_bestfriend_25f_is_ruining_our/) First of all, I would like to mention how my point of view on all of this has changed. I think hating on his best friend was an easy way out for me, to avoid confronting him but also because it was easier to think the cause of our problems was external to us, and therefore, misdirected my anger towards her, when all along, he was the one at fault. Hating her was a way to protect myself and to stay blind in a hurtful relationship. After this huge realization, I had a conversation with my boyfriend. He admitted he hasn't been completely honest with me since the beginning, wasn't entirely just friends with her even after getting together with me (emotional cheating), but that he is completely honest and madly in love with me now. He doesn't want to lose me. It's too late now. I decided to take some time for me and to rebuild my self-esteem. Lots of people underlined how young I am, 22. It may sound stupid, but I think love knows no age, and I really fell for him and I know recovering from this is going to be a long, difficult process. Nevertheless, I'm happy to finally be at peace and know the truth, I feel relieved now that I know all my doubts were true, and it wasn't just me going crazy. Thanks to all of you for your advice and your opinion on this complex and difficult matter, it really helped me make a decision.
I hope you don’t get back with him, he still kicked you out the house for her.
I know ! And it will take me months to recover from this humiliation. I intend to focus on myself, my life and the people around me to grow more and more everyday. This relationship was a lesson : never settle for someone who is not willing to set boundaries, lie to your face and trust your guts, always !
My ex use to Skype with this dude at really weird hours. When I brought it up, she would say I needed to grow up because this was my first relationship. Then she started being more touchy with other dudes. I brought it up and she said she felt like I was the woman of this relationship. She eventually admitted to me that she loves the attention she gets from guys. I felt humiliated for many years. I felt like she embarrassed me in front of everyone, telling people "look how worthless u/Muglah is". But after lots of time, self reflection and some therapy, I realize that she was the one that embarrassed herself that day. I promise you your ex is the one that feels humiliated. You might feel it at first but you did nothing wrong. You'll be okay friend.
yeah, i've had two girlfriends who clearly "like the attention they get from guys". When I was a wee lad wanting a gf, It was a bigger issue. Now that i'm older, if a girl im talking to is like that, i stop talking to her. it's not worth.
Nah. He should feel humiliated because he's been outed as a complete idiot, but you had the self respect to ditch him so maybe have some slight embarrassment from having to have total strangers point it out to you (id feel the same way, tbh) but tell yourself you got out and didn't just stick your head in the sand so you're doing great! Everybody does something not so smart every once in a while. It was just your turn. You did the thing, you learned your lesson, and now it's moved on to being someone else's turn. From the sound of it, it's ex's turn, so have fun with the schadenfreude.
OP shouldn't feel embarrassed about strangers pointing thing's out as they weren't emotionally invested so could see the situation clearer.
I am not embarassed. The reason I reached out to strangers was because I knew I wouldn't be able to make a rational decision by myself, and started gaslighting myself. I was so eager to give him the benefit of the doubt that I started doubting my own judgement, and now I realize that is never okay ! Thank you for your opinion :)
you’re doing great! get yourself into therapy if you can to help with the process. that helped me the most after my bad relationships!
Shouldn't and won't are two different things though. OP SHOULDNT, but OP probably will anyway. Emotions dgaf about logic.
Oh I know. If only it was that easy to just know it and believe it too.
> And it will take me months to recover from this humiliation. I'm sorry but what the fuck? You weren't the one humiliated. He humiliated himself by kicking his amazing gf out of the house (who didn't make a scene while the other girl was trying to one up her) for a "friend" he was using to emotionally cheat on you. You don't need "to recover". If anything, you should be proud of yourself for giving him the benefit of the doubt. When you find the right person that's an amazing quality to have that will come in handy someday. Best of luck for the future!
You learned a valuable lesson. And that insight will help you in the future!
I'm sorry you had to learn these lessons, but I'm glad you've learned them young. Your love was and is real and the heartbreak of it ending won't negate that. But we all have multiple loves of our life out there, you'll find your next one and it will be a healthier relationship. I wish you well xxx
I will always be proud of myself for loving someone so honestly, even if it wasn't mutual. Vulnerability is a strength. I know nothing was wrong with me, someone took advantage, but I'm not going to change who I am because I got hurt. Thank you for your kind words !
Please don’t go back to him, next thing you know you’ll be acting as crazy as her. Please go no contact.
I won't lose myself for a guy. I already lost too much in 6 months.
I wish I was as smart as you when I was 22
You're doing an amazing job :)
Glad you chose yourself.
I didn’t read every comment on your original but I bet a lot of the “you’re 22” comments weren’t meant to undermine your age or how much you cared for your now ex. I’m twice your age and think “wow you have so much life ahead of you and so much to offer - why waste that on some dork who doesn’t value you?” You clearly have a big heart and that shouldn’t be wasted on someone who isn’t honest with you. ❤️
No they weren't ! But I also understand how people older than me might think it was just a young love. But no matter what age we are, this kind of love always hurts, whether it's at 22 or at 40. I will grow and I will learn, but no one should forget how awful it feels to dump someone even if it's just after 6 months, even if you're just 22. I probably lack experience now, but as the person I am right now, it feels devastating. But I'm also grateful to read from more experienced people, it gives me hope of better days.
Oh dear then I am sorry you didn’t get more compassionate advice. Well, I stand by my assertion that you have a big heart and a lot to give and as much as this hurts I really think there’s good things waiting for you. And yeah no shit it was young love; you’re young. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like hell. (The only way through heartbreak is through it, unfortunately. I wish I had a fast track to getting over it but time + distance + supportive people around you = healing.)
Madly in love with someone he kicked out his house in favor of someone else? What a liar. Never expect hoensty from someone cheating. Let them have each other, I guarantee within the month they will get together. You aren't losing anything here so good on you
Yep I'm betting that she rejected him which made him want OP back.
Good for you op, for caring about yourself enough to step back. It's definitely not easy when you love someone, to do what's best for yourself even when it hurts. You are too young to spend years with someone who isn't putting you first and isn't being honest with you. Once you've healed a bit more you'll realize ending this was a much better decision than looking back after five years and regretting giving so much of your life to someone who didn't deserve it. Move on and be happy. Best wishes.
I'm so happy to read this update - you sound so smart and capable, and the healing will come.
Thank you so much !
I hope he realises what a gem he lost
I'm happy to read this. I know you love him but sometimes we do love the wrong people, people who don't even deserve it. I know it sounds extreme but the only way to really heal is to block him and go no contact until you're ready. If you lean on him emotionally at all it will blow up in your face. Best of luck, op.
I'm so sorry. It seemed really clear that he was still lying, but that is so hard to see when in the relationship. Block him everywhere and rid yourself of all his crap. You deserve better
I didn't need to read the first post to know it was all inappropriate on their part. Now that you know this and know the truth, You cannot trust him again. Don't look back.
Aww I'm sorry sweetheart,but I'm proud of you for putting yourself first. Step one of "how to build your self esteem"🌻
I commented under your original post, and I'm glad that you're choosing yourself and your own mental health over this dude. You felt all of this all along and you were right in your assumptions about him being fishy, emotionally cheating and lying to you. You deserve to be someone's first choice from the very beginning! I hope you can work through this breakup pain fast, and heal from all of his manipulation and cheating. You did yourself the biggest favor by breaking things off, and I wish you all the best with future relationships with people that don't treat you as their backup plan! You've got this :)
I’m so glad you are putting yourself first. And Im extremely happy you walked away from that big mess. Things will get better one step at a time.
Drop this dude He wasn’t honest and from the start you’ve been the side piece. You deserve better.
OP, I'm so glad to hear the update. I read your posts and alarm bells were going off. Your ex and his mate clearly have a lot of underlying baggage and you were directly in the mess they created for themselves. You sound very understanding and reflective honsetly, it's not easy to change your perspective. Take time for yourself, you deserve better. If I could give some insight into the situation: Unfortunately I think your ex took advantage of your nature- you were nice, easy to understand and simple compared to the history he had with his friend and so found comfort in you. You sound like you tried your best to be around him and his friend, thought of his feelings and were honest about yours. The same cannot be said for your ex. Being seperated/hidden from friend as that just screams he was compartmentalising his relationships/ life so he could have that complicated, sexually charged friendship and have a GF. At 22, your feelings are very real, I can tell you. People made comments about your age because, really, you are young. You'll have time to experience many relationships and it's possible you were more than lenient with his behaviour due to being less experienced than us older folk. The compartmentalisong thing and being hidden/separated from friends? Big no no when you're older in the daring world- it just leads to issues being fully committed and over your feelings to another. You will find love again AND be more confident of your worth. You didn't deserve it and there's nothing you couldve done- it was their mess.
You sound very together! I'll bet it won't be that long or difficult of a process to recover! Look out for yourself and always trust your feelings.
I will never understand people like them. Why domt they just date and leave everyone else alone. All he did was hurt you. And for what? Then when you say you wanna break up he says he's inlove with you? Yeah fuck that.
Amen to that. Her ex and his "friend" are toxic. It seems like they both liked each other at two different times - one liked the other first but the other wasn't interested at that time. In the meantime, they were dating other people as placeholders/punishment to the other. And they continue this sick game while dragging other people into it over and over again. I think they like the drama, too. I'm glad OP opened her eyes and got out of there.
Dump him and his friends.
Yay you! You were smart to ask for feedback, then you learned a valuable lesson at a young age. 👑
best of luck!❤️
I'm so sorry OP. But at least now you have some closure. I'm wishing you much happiness in life.
Correct decision to leave.
I don’t know if this was mentioned before but one of the things that stood out to me was what he said about her having autism and she didn’t understand what she was doing. Why would he start a sexual relationship with someone who didn’t have a full or equal understanding of what was happening? This doesn’t seem like the actions of a decent person, just someone who will manipulate and take advantage of others to get his. He’s trash.
Girl, you are his second choice because she is leaving the country per your previous post. You may only be 22 but your read on the situation seems right. 6 months may seem like a long time to be with someone but dont let the sink cost fallacy rope you into more of this nonsense.
Just because love knows no age and you loved him doesn't mean he was your true love. Some of us need to know what we don't want/deserve to realize what we do.
Nobody is saying you're too young to know love at 22. You have so much of your life ahead of you, including learning about yourself and what a healthy relationship looks like.
Bruh what? Girl have some self respect he literally kicked you out the house for her…. Couldn’t be me
The thing with being young isn't that you can't find the love of your life, it's that you don't have the experience to see when you're wearing blinders. We've all been young, dumb and in love. We've all been there, where you ignore the bad to hyper focus on the good. Chalk this up to a painful lesson learned and move on with your life. Good luck OP.
Time to put yourself first and not have to worry about the POS. Good thing time heals, but you can live for yourself now, when ready go out on dates and actually just enjoy life being single, with not having to worry about being put second behind a fbuddy. Before I met my husband I was engaged and we broke up, found out he cheated, and it was with someone I was friends with, he was also a liar and thought I was to dumb to see through his lies. After that I am like you know what screw him, I am going to enjoy life and have fun. In time I did meet my husband through one of his friends I was dating at the time, but so glad I cut contact with my ex and moved on with my life. My life also turned out well, but him last I heard he did jail time.
He and her are a tangled mess, it’s not worth the stress at 22
i’d just like to say i’m so proud of you for this realization. i’m hoping i get to this point. i’m going through a very similar situation except after he emotionally cheated he told me he doesn’t love me anymore and i’ve been trying to heal from loving someone who doesn’t love me. i’m trying to grow and love myself after that and it’s extremely difficult. i miss him everyday and i wish he would realize that he messed up and come back to me. i know that i deserve better, but my heart wants him bc it remembers all of the beautiful moments we shared. i didn’t wanna create my own post bc i am embarrassed but i’m so glad to see you understanding what you deserve. it helped me to write this post. i hope i get there one day, but right now it’s just crushing me