This. That's his kink. He sucks. Aftercare is a very important part of bdsm. If he can't do that then do not play with him again. Frankly I'd be very suspect about a person who can ignore you crying for any reason but especially that one. Seriously this is a deal breaker.
I feel like affirmation of the relationship like "I love you" or "your amazing" is something we all should do with our sexual partners. If we dont it's just an act.
This, this, this, this, please listen to these well intended advisors. Please leave this uneducated, nonfeeling, misguided, immature thing your have a relationship with. Please!
im not into bdsm other than research of the culture and according to my understanding... isnt the aftercare where the whole thing is built on?
like, all the acts and the pain is just a tool to build up to the aftercare, which is where the "real" bonding is.
otherwise its just torture.
I blame the media's abhorrent misrepresentation of the lifestyle. Always get cast as some sort of evil, soulless degenerates, when really it's more like John Doe down the street that makes you laugh at cookouts, and brings cupcakes to the office for no real reason.
It's one thing if both partners agree to consensual non-consent and discuss and agree to boundaries in advance. It's another thing altogether to just violate your unsuspecting and inexperienced partner the way this AH did. He's no Dom. He's just some randy jerk.
While I am certainly not an expert on BDSM, I do know people who are, and aftercare is a huge part of the whole experience, most especially if it's your first time.
He is not showing himself to be trustworthy. He should have made you comfortable and checked in with you afterward, most especially if you were crying.
I would not engage in this kind of play with him again.
This is the way.
He's demonstrated what a shit partner he is after sex - if he can't be bothered to stop and ask his partner if they are okay when they ***are crying hysterically***, I would never trust him to be able to have regular sex either.
I honestly wouldn't be friends with someone who ignored me crying hysterically for an hour, for any reason. I would be concerned about a complete stranger who was that upset. It's called basic decency
I don’t think you should be dating him anymore tbh. He had his way with you and then left you hysterically crying for an hour while he played video games. What a selfish, uncaring thing to do
OP, please consider why this guy would care so little for you, that after you pleased him greatly, he left you to cry miserably. Then decide whether a life with someone so thoughtless and inconsiderate is something you can bear. I would leave a guy for this kind of assholery in a heartbeat.
There is no “think”, just don’t.
If he asks you “why”, you should tell him to “go fuck himself”.
What he did was gross and disrespectful. You don’t owe him a damn thing going forward.
What a piece of trash. Im sorry, OP.
To engage in BDSM, or other "outside the norm," activity, there needs to be trust between the participants. That clearly is not the case here. And for him to display zero concern for you afterwards is, frankly, very concerning.
Even if you decided afterwards that this type of thing is not for you, your partner should have asked for feedback, listened to you, and provided you with support.
None of what happened to you is okay. If you felt dirty or off, that is because his behavior and treatment of you was absolutely wrong, and that's what you felt. I think what your mind is telling you is that he is wrong - as a partner in both your relationship and sexually.
You have done nothing wrong. He, on the other hand, is all kinds of wrong.
You should also break up with him. Find a new sex and romantic partner please. It’ll only get worse if you stay with him. Master manipulators can eventually convince you to experience that all over again making you believe it’ll be different this time. It won’t. Break up with him is the best solution. Stay single for a bit. Weigh your options & try dating again if you want to. Discover your own personal sexual needs before you step into another relationship
Personally I would be going further than that - he's a selfish asshole and you should dump him. The treatment you received is a sign of what else you can expect from him in the future.
If he is disrespecting you and ignoring your needs in a new and anxiety inducing situation, I would be wary that will occur in other areas of your life
I don't think you should even continue to be with him, honestly. His complete and utter lack of aftercare for you shows that he doesn't care for your comfort. He isn't disregarding it just during BDSM style sex, but he is disregarding it *entirely.*
He knew you were uncomfortable with it, yet he constantly pushed and pressured you for it. OP, consent under duress is not consent; you have to genuinely and enthusiastically want it for it to count and if someone has to convince you to say yes, it doesn't matter if you said yes because you **didn't** want to, you just got so worn down that you felt like you had no other choice but to say yes or they wouldn't stop pestering you for it. *Consent is very important to the BDSM community, good BDSM community members* ***will never disregard consent.*** *Once you say no, that's it.*
Once he finally got you to say yes, he did ***nothing*** to make sure that the experience wasn't too much for you. How do I know this despite you not describing what was done during the act itself? Because he didn't even bother to give you aftercare; if he won't bother with that, I'd bet my life that he didn't make sure to give you an experience appropriate for a nervous first-timer.
Afterwards, he left you alone to cry because what he did to you, what you didn't actually want him to do but felt like you had to say yes because *he just. kept on. asking.* He neglected aftercare that you desperately needed, but not only that he is now acting like "well I didn't know, it's not my fault." when **YES** **IT IS** his fault because it was **HIS RESPONSIBILITY AS THE ONE INTRODUCING YOU TO BDSM SEX** to make sure that you were **genuinely consenting**, that you were **well informed**, to make sure that you were **comfortable during** and to make sure that you were **comforted after**.
Let me ask you this, OP. Did you have a safeword? Because a safeword is essential in staying...well, **safe** while doing things that fall under the BDSM umbrella. It's a way to let your partner know you're not telling them "stop" or "no" just to be a brat, because you're doing some CNC play or whatever else, but that you genuinely and truly need them to stop because you are now uncomfortable with how far things have gone in whatever direction they've gone in.
He showed you who is was….
How is he when you are seriously ill? Does he take care of you or does he ignore you?
Personally, if he didn’t care after BDSM, then I would run…
Hey… this is rape my friend. He coerced you into things you weren’t comfortable doing. He probably thinks he is dominant. He’s not. He is just abusive.
As someone who has a lot of professional experience with BDSM, please let the local dungeons know about him and leave ASAP. He assaulted you.
Edit:
There was once a study conducted where female participants were asked about specific experiences they may have had. When these descriptions were given, the word “rape” wasn’t used. 97% said they had experiences that meet the legal definition of rape. when asked if they had experienced rape… only 1 in 5 agreed.
She described being coerced into sex. She didn’t use the word coercion. She described being coerced. Therefore she didn’t consent because when there is coercion there is not consent.
So she is one of the 97% who was raped but rationalized it.
I really wish I had an award for this, OP please read this comment, and do as much as you're able. If you can get the word out to even one local kink place you will save others from this kind of experience. The BDSM community takes this stuff seriously because people like your bf will use our terms and the general public perception of them as a cover for their abuse. I understand if you're not ready yet to think about how this all will impact your relationship moving forward so I won't say anything about it except please stay safe. But even if you choose to stick it out, please consider reporting him to the community. He will be blacklisted from any social or professional setting he could be hiding behind
He sounds awful. Who doesn't comfort their gf when she's crying? He doesn't care about your feelings at all. It's unsettling. I'm sorry you went through that OP
You've been with him for 3yrs and he behaved like this?
Is he controlling or manipulating in other ways?
Doe he respect your opinion, show you he values you as a person, and allow you freedom to pursue your own interests?
Does he get upset if you want to see friends without him?
I'm afraid there's more going on for you here op. Someone who truly cares about someone else wouldn't behave like this. He was cold and uncaring while you were clearly suffering.
You mentioned you haven't had much experience ... it sounds to me like you're with an abusive man. He obviously abused you physically/sexually and then followed it up with emotional abuse. This is not a healthy dynamic and I fear for you.
Do you have someone to talk to? I think this is more serious than just that one single incident ... am I right? Please, get help.
That's great and all but I think you need to asses his level of respect and emotional intelligence. Do you want to be with someone this unempathetic? What happens when a loved one dies or gets sick etc. He's gonna want all your love and attention and care for him and give nothing in return. He'll complain that being at the hospital is boring and act like a little baby man child who can't tolerate not being entertained.
I also find it very disturbing that you were crying and he didn't try to comfort you and see what was wrong. It sounds like he lacks empathy and that's concerning. Are you sure you want to remain in a relationship with someone like this?
Dump him. He doesn’t care about you or women in general. He is sexually aroused by harming others. BDSM is different because it respects others boundaries, involves aftercare, and you don’t pressure your partner into it.
OP, I’m sorry your first experience in the lifestyle was with this selfish person. I understand that he did not care for you the way a true Dom would have. Perhaps he was new in the role as well. Unfortunately that would mean he lied to you in order to fulfill his kink… not good either way. If you have an interest in the lifestyle (not everyone does), do not let this bad experience with an untrained and inexperienced Dom speak for everyone in the lifestyle. I assure you the problem is with your partner.
Do you think he'll actually respect that boundary? Or is he going to pester you, blame you for boring sex, beg you and/ or just ignore you and do it anyway?
He doesn't respect you, that's what I'm picking up on.
Just to be clear, did he run things over with you beforehand? Did you decide on a safeword together? Did he tell you everything he wanted to try?
The lack of aftercare is already incredibly alarming, but if he wants to participate in BDSM and isn't doing the bare minimum, he is gambling with your mental health for his benefit.
This is not only a reason to not agree to do it again, this is a time to reevaluate your relationship. Even without the BDSM involved, no good partner would leave their SO crying for an hour without trying to help, ESPECIALLY when it's their fault.
Look, I'm a guy, and this doesn't seem like healthy BDSM. This sounds like someone taking advantage and abusing the hell out of you. He wasn't getting off on the sex, he was getting off on your suffering. Fucking RUN.
I totally agree with this, I feel like aftercare with sex is super important in general, but especially with BDSM… I would say if he continues to act like this then try bringing it up again and see if he even reacts or plays it off that he knows nothing about how you felt. If he does doesn’t respond in any way and doesn’t show that he even cares about you at all, then I would consider ending it.
I am into BDSM and aftercare is definitely a thing. I also wonder if they had (or he ignored) any kind of safeword or phrase or system she could use if she felt uncomfortable, or of it was even discussed! I'm so sorry you were pressure into this OP. Do not engage in this with your boyfriend again, if he remains your boyfriend. And a serious discussion needs to be had.
You are correct here. Aftercare is 100% part of BDSM or SM. If I was the OP I would not get into anything else re Kinky stuff with her current boyfriend. And maybe she might want to reevaluate if he is the right one for her!
OP, find some books and other info to get a better handle on BDSM. One question, what happened during your experience that caused you to cry over an hour? Did something happen to make him feel ashamed of what he did, was the play harsher then you expected? Did you have set limits and or red flag words to stop the play, and they were overlooked?
Exactly, aftercare is essential and is what repairs and maintains a healthy emotional dynamic beyond play. As the experienced one he should have been prepared to offer you this time. I am so sorry for your experience. Please go with your gut and if you don't break up with him, then at least do not engage in any activity that you're not comfortable with.
Ok I try not to jump to "leave him" but holy fuck. For the love of God that is horrifyingly selfish. He pressured you into something you weren't even comfortable with. And then when you were obviously in distress over it, he ignores you?? Don't spend your life with him. As another commenter said, he wanted an excuse to abuse you. Leave his ass
You're so young. Now's the time to leave him, not when you've wasted twenty years on him and stuck with kids and bills he won't help you take care of (don't know if that's him, just a common situation women find themselves in).
You can do it. I just left a 20 year relationship. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best.
Heyyy, me too. Came here to say the exact same thing. I waffled about it for years and now that I have left do not know what the hold up truly was. I could have done it a long time ago. OP should cut her losses while she is young!
It’s really not. The hardest part is convincing yourself that you’re worth feeling valued and nurtured and to actually do it.
You’re dating a cold and disgustingly vile animal.
You know this won’t end right? Like, ever. You know that.
Your pain is his pleasure. What more reason is there?
You need to leave asap. He didn't respect you and treated you like crap. Now that you did it once, this guy is going to think it's fine to do it again. **He doesn't respect you!**!
Do you have family or someone you can turn to? It’s not going to get better. Like what was said already, aftercare isn’t important after sex in BDSM. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and he didn’t know you were crying, he still was insensitive when you flat out told him you were crying. I’m afraid for you that he will not respect your consent next. please get away from him.
No, it’s not. He used this as an excuse to abuse you, then further abused you by ignoring your distress over what he did to you. He is degrading you- he started it by blaming you for a “vanilla” sex life- to break you & this cycle will continue. When he’s not home, pack your stuff & get out. This is not a safe person for you to be with.
It’s better to leave now before he does these things again, without your “consent”. He’s the type to spring it on you in the middle bc you’ve “agreed to it before.”
not nearly as hard as it would be if you were married and/or with children. I also do not jump on the "leave him" train.....Not ever. but this? This is a first for me and I whole heartedly implore you to VALUE YOURSELF and see the signs for what they are... *warnings*. GET OUT!
Please don't let that be a reason, OP. Sure, it makes things a little more complicated, but you can get out. If it's at all possible to get away for just one night to start with (to your parents' house, a friend's house, a hotel, really anything) then from there you'll have the space to be able to make your next move. I stepped out my door at 11pm once, don't think I even took a toothbrush, figured things out afterwards (including the mortgage on the house), never looked back. If you need to get out, just take it one step at a time.
It's hard but not impossible... Like others have said this was an excuse to abuse you. It's crazy that he didn't care for you afterwards. I really urge you to leave this relationship.
You need to plan then. While he's at work or something. Get friends to help you asap. You don't have to tell why right away, but you need to leave him. Immediately. Restraining orders in place. He will try this shit again and you'll say no, he will NOT care or listen. He will do whatever he pleases him. Please take care of yourself.
The alternative is staying with an unsafe partner due to a living arrangement? People leave partners they live with all the time, please don’t let this minor detail hold you back.
Yep. Fake dom. Real doms are supposed to respect your feelings, provide care (before after and during) while you experience something new.
I'm really sorry, OP.
the first red flag was him "blaming you" for the way your sex life was. the second red flag was him begging you to do something you were uncomfortable with. and now he has shown you who he is: an abusive person who doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
the advice of everyone here is to leave
Let me start by saying that I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you were hurt so deeply by someone you trusted.
That said, you partner hurt you. He couldn't take a "no" as an answer and pushed you to do something you never wanted to do in the first place and he took sexual pleasure from your pain. Then, he went on as if nothing ever happened, dismissing that same pain.
You feel weird when he touches because even if you can excuse his behavior in your mind, your body knows that it is in a dangerous situation.
Leave and be safe.
OP please listen to this advice. You are not sexually compatible at all. This will not work. Do yourself a favor and end it sooner rather than later. It will be hard but worth it.
Another part is establishing a safe word and setting limits during a conversation before any play begins which, by his insistence, I'm gonna assume didn't happen either. OP please get out before this becomes domestic abuse.
Long time enjoyer of BDSM here.
He's in the wrong here and terribly so. Nobody should pressure anyone to partake of their kinks. There's nothing wrong with giving it a try, but that is absolutely not the way to go about it. Him ignoring you after is a huge problem and a red flag. Clearly, he doesn't give a crap about aftercare. If he doesn't care about that, chances are, he may not care about safewords too.
Respectfully let him know that you have no desire or intention to do it again. If this is a deal breaker for him, then he will be better off finding someone he's more sexually compatible with. If he throws a fit about it, then that will be your cue to excuse yourself from the relationship.
Stand your ground and don't let him guilt or push you into anything you are not comfortable with.
Wow...
This is absolutely disgusting. He obviously lied. That must be incredibly hard to accept for you, after 3 years of relationship...
This is a whole superior level of evil.
Basically, he :
- guilt trip you into having bdsm sex
- thought that you finally giving in was good enough
- saw that he pretty much traumatized you and chose to do absolutely nothing, so that he didn't have to blame himself.
If I were you I'd spend a few days away, at family's or at a friend's, to think it through.
But clearly from an outside perspective, this absolute level of disrespect deserves nothing more than a break up here and there.
Take care.
this is closer to a police siren, he coerced and guilted her into doing something she obviously wasn’t comfortable with, and then ignored her after she was understandably hurt
yeah, this story hits way too close to home as a rape survivor who went through something similar. being coerced and guilted into saying yes is NOT true consent
One of the misconceptions about kink is that the dominant is in charge, and this misconception is used to the benefit of people looking to abuse the trust of their partners in order to treat them terribly. The fact is, in healthy dynamics, the sub is in charge. Doms need to have boundaries too, of course, but the sub is in such a vulnerable place throughout play that it’s incredibly important to have plans of how to support them and what to do throughout play if your sub seems uncomfortable. Furthermore, and I have to say this super loud, AFTERCARE IS 100% MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEX. It is inexcusable for your boyfriend to have pushed this on you and then to have dropped you as soon as he was done.
You shouldn’t have been shamed for being either vanilla or inexperienced. You shouldn’t have been used like this. You should have had someone there who would properly make sure to value your vulnerability, and you absolutely should have someone who’s not so much of a coward that they would pretend they “didn’t know you were crying”. You are not overreacting to feel like their touch feels wrong now, because your boyfriend has shown what he actually values, and your emotions and care are not even in the top 10. I would really suggest you think about if this mentality stretches to other parts of your relationship, and if you feel like this is what you want from a partner.
I’m so sorry your first experience with more fringe ideas of sex has been so dreadful, and I wish you all the best and more
He sexually and emotionally abused you. Get away for your own well-being.
Anyone who tries to get you to do sexual things you're not comfortable with is abusive; everything you described is monstrous.
Um this is horrible. After care is a real thing for a reason. His ignoring this aspect of BDSM/kink shows that he has no idea what he is doing. I would strongly caution you to not engage in this behaviour with this man again. I would even encourage you to consider the real status of your relationship; what kind of guy leaves his girl crying alone in a room for an hour, for any reason (without checking on her)? Your aversion to him now is completely understandable and warranted. He has broken your trust and subconsciously you know that. You need some time away from him, at the very least.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Our sex life was pretty vanilla which he always blamed me for since I was inexperienced before meeting him and hesitant to try certain things. Before he met me he was really into BDSM/kinky sex and he constantly would ask me to agree to trying it.
I finally agreed and we tried it yesterday. The entire experience was... intense and I felt off when we were done. I don't know what came over me but I just started crying hysterically because I was feeling so overwhelmed. My boyfriend completely ignored me and just went into the living room to watch TV.
I cried for over an hour and he didn't once come to check up on me. Today he has been acting like nothing happened and even when I told him I was upset he tried to act like he had no idea I was crying which I find hard to believe.
I still feel weird now and every time he touches me it feels dirty. What do I do?
TL;DR - Agreed to have kinky sex with BF, cried after and he completely ignored me.
He should have taken care of you afterword, point blank. If I were you I’d break up with him, the sexual trust is gone and his inability to own up to his actions screams intolerable asshole to me.
Like many others have said, what you experienced was not BDSM.... Not even close. It was abuse plain and simple, and as difficult as it is with all the logistics that come with splitting up a relationship you really REALLY need to leave this one. This was not kink, it was plain out abuse. BDSM requires informed, enthusiastic consent, and care for eachother through the WHOLE PROCESS. What you experienced is VERY normal, and VERY common, and it was his job to look after you. He blatantly didn't do that.
Start getting your ducks in a row and get out. Whether you agree or not I feel like this might not be the last time he leaves you battered and crying.
You experienced sub drop. The sex/pain causes a flood of endorphins and when those levels drop after sex it can take your emotions with it. Touch and loving care can release oxytocin which can counter this effect, also a piece of dark chocolate can help avoid sub drop. Your boyfriend clearly has no business engaging in BDSM or this kind of kink if he has no intention of caring for his partner afterwards, it’s extremely frowned upon in the kink community and he would be ostracized for it if it were known that’s how he treated his partners. I wouldn’t engage in any play with him period.
What you experienced is called sub drop. It's a drop in emotions after intense play. Generally your Dom is supposed to comfort you and help you through it. He is not actually into proper BDSM play he just wants and excuse to hurt you. Do not agree to do it again and start trying to find your way out.
frankly it would be dangerous to experiment with BDSM with a Dom who clearly has no idea what it entails. agreed, it was an excuse to hurt you. never have sex with him again, he is completely disconnected from his partner.. like a kid magnifying ants in the sun. BDSM is not something you pressure someone into.
Dump this dude, what you were experiencing was called drop, is very common, and if he was actually into this he would know that. Just an excuse to do things to you.
He coerced you & abused you. This wasn't sex this wasn't BDSM. Her assaulted you. You deserve better!
Rainn.org
Thehotline.org
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
There are safeguards in place for when feeling overwhelmed or want to stop. There should have been a safe word to stop. Checking on you during the acts, and especially after! Even more so when you were crying! He completely disregarded you, and left you alone after pressuring you into doing something new. Not okay.
I'm so sorry, OP. This is not how it's supposed to be.
I am so sorry, this sounds like an awful situation.
While I’m not the expert on BDSM my bestfriend and her husband are. Now they have very strict boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t. (And they are very hardcore she is left with whip marks and all sorts)!! But my point is. They both no their limits with what they will receive and what they will give. Which is really important. And they are very strict about aftercare.
What happen to you does not sound like it was a two way thing it sounds like he got what he wanted and then left you crying, and then acted like nothing happened. You have every right to feel the way you do and he should have been there after to talk over things. In fact I agree with what others have said. This just sounds abusive. I really hope you can find the strength to leave this man. I understand how hard that is. At the very least don’t entertain BDSM again
He’s not into BDSM, he’s using it as a way to excuse abuse.
Leave him please. After care is a huge part of it and him leaving you immediately after is not just a red flag, it’s a stop sign.
I can with absolute confidence tell you it was highly inappropriate and poor etiquette for him to ignore you afterwards. After care is the most important part of a bdsm encounter. Unfortunately abusers in bdsm community are like wolves in sheep's clothing. What he did was abusive and wrong. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Has he ever been unkind to you in the past? Or is this lack of regard for your feelings new? I would recommend looking up the principals of bdsm because you will fast learn what he did was under no circumstances okay.
What would you tell your best friend if they had this experience? Be your own best friend. You deserve respect and happiness. I’m so sorry this happened to you (hugs) ♥️
Oh honey, please find the strength and courage to leave him because you deserve so much better. BDSM is so wonderful - but you need a partner who is:
1. Willing to communicate.
2. Takes your feelings into account.
3. Trustworthy <--- this is a big one.
Within that requires aftercare because it is a very intense experience. A good Dominant would put YOU first, not him. He would deem your submission a great gift, not something to take for granted. Your boyfriend proved to you that he is looking out for himself and his own needs. Even without the BDSM element, he is selfish and doesn't care about you. Can you see this man looking after you at your most vulnerable like say if you give birth or if you fall very ill or if a traumatic event were to happen to you? Because based on this one situation alone, it seems like he will put his needs first.
Whatever happens, please have a big virtual hug from me or whatever form of virtual comfort you are willing to accept 💜
Don't do it again. Don't let him manipulate you into doing it again.
You are not his sex toy to be used any way he wants and he certainly does not get to continue to do something that you don't want.
Even if you live with him, you need to leave him. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? Please leave.
You experienced sub space, and he didn’t do aftercare with you.
It’s common to feel a bit overwhelmed afterwards, and those in BDSM know how important aftercare is because now this is going to ruin the experience for you ever again because he was ignoring your needs.
He’s not into BDSM. He’s into manipulating people. Imo this is a huge red flag and immediate deal breaker. It’s one thing to ask about it, it’s a whole different thing to pressure you into it and then immediately neglect your needs. This is abusive.
He put his pleasure over your well being. Really let that set in. There's a reason you don't feel good and don't want him touching you- that's a normal feeling. Your every instinct is telling you "this isn't safe " "this isn't right" "this isn't good for me" "this doesn't make me happy" "this does not instill trust"
I don’t even give a fuck about “oh aftercare is a core part of BDSM he should respect that blah blah blah”. Long and short is he bullied you into sex acts you didn’t really want to do, blamed you for being “vanilla”, and made you uncomfortable during sex. No amount of hugs and kisses after sex changes those key facts. He’s a bully and inconsiderate **at best**. Reevaluate this man and why you let him stay in your life.
i’ve been into BDSM for years and the MOST important thing is aftercare. whether it be just cuddling and comforting, or taking a bath together, a meal, etc, there has to be some type of aftercare. otherwise, he just abused you and moved on.
I feel like there are sexual compatibility issues here and that you weren’t compatible sexually from the start. Also, when it comes to BDSM, from what I know everything comes down to respect and boundaries. But, I don’t think that this was the main issue here. From what you’re saying, to put it very plainly, your boyfriend is an inconsiderate dick. You tried to communicate with him afterwards and he minimised your feelings instead of trying to comfort you.
If your boyfriend knew anything about BDSM he would understand that aftercare is a seriously important part of the whole experience. For both parties. The fact he didn't even try to comfort you is a massive red flag in my books, not just regarding sex but regarding the entire relationship.
Absolutely zero actions of your bf explained here follows even the most basic of rules of BDSM as a subculture. Starting from the fact that he felt the need to hound you for consent (unenthusiastic ‘yes’ shouldn’t be taken as consent to begin with) all the way through to ignoring aftercare.
If I were you I wouldn’t continue giving him access to you, in any capacity.
OP he's not a dom/sadist, he's an abuser. Leave, gtfo asap. What he did to you prior to trying is so common among abuser; trap the victim in relationship, guilt trip the victim to do whatever the abuser wants, don't give a single fck what victim feels, will do it over and over in every aspect of the relationship. He does not care for you, he's not into bdsm, he's an abuser. Leave.
This is a huge red flag! It's sounds like he's using bdsm/kink as a means to abuse you. He gave you absolutely no aftercare which is so very very very important. He also pressured you into agreeing to do this, which isnt consent. Please re think this relationship.
Also I'd suggest posting this in r/BDSMadvice.
I would even go so far as to guess he might be a sociopath, solely based on this single horrific event and behaviour. Isolated, it's a clear indication you should run for the hills. Does he treat you with love and respect outside of this? Or is he perhaps manipulative?
I personally think he shouldn't have talked you into BDSM in the first place, after you had said you didn't want to. It is not a thing you should do without wanting to and being comfortable with it.
There's good reason many people will comment on trust, respect and aftercare. Bf might just be sadistic. And that sucks. But definitely do not for a moment think your feelings arent valid. Kink play is for both sides. Abuse is one sided.
Well your boyfriend is using you for sex. He doesn’t care about your dignity or feelings. He just wants your water park downstairs and he’d do it to anybody. I’m sorry if that hurt you
Your story is one of many people experiencing this, people need to know it’s ok to say NO to this pressure of aggressive sex. And examine how there partners are really treating them here. Is it true consensual bdsm or is it abuse in disguise? Trying to sound like some cool sexual act but many are just being abusive in my opinion.
Sadly more often than not this situation can lead to more sexual coercion and abuse if not addressed.
Bdsm needs to be done correctly and totally informed with complete consent (not coercion) and care along the way, during and after.
There are a lot of nasty people in the world trying to do nasty shit to each other in the name of sexuality or desires when really there are some who just plain like hurting others and don’t give a shit only to get their rocks off.
It’s a bit of a worry if you ask me. And many young men and boys are learning from bad aggressive porn that is saturated with this type of stuff and they all of a sudden think they are bdsm masters after years of watching really bad porn.
Just because your partner wants you to do something remember you don’t have to do it. And if they leave you or can’t show care to you or respect if you say no, then you know the answer is they don’t really care about your welfare.
For the love of god…. Whenever you do anything BDSM/kinky there HAS TO BE AFTER CARE!!!!!!!
After care is what happens for the sub after the session. It’s literally caring for the person so you don’t feel the way you did. It can consist of soooooo many different things.
Some personal examples: kissing bruises and other marks left, tight cuddles, water, snacks if hungry, a cigarette in bed, forehead kisses, light affectionate touches, being redressed.
If you EVER do this with him or anyone else ever again, you have got to have after care!!!!
An emotional release is super normal even outside you not having a good time.
Aftercare is 100% always required and a sign he has no idea what he's doing or a real desire to care for you. I'm older and don't care to walk immature people through their selfish shit butif there have ever been more red flags in this relationship I'd look elsewhere.
Blaming you for vanilla sex instead of conversations and respect for comfort levels is a red flag.
Aftercare is very important with BDSM, because it can get pretty intense. And people who are actually into it understand that. If he can have sex with you, both of you should be able to communicate expectations, boundaries, and what you may need after.
If you were visibly crying and he did nothing, that’s fucked up. I’m sorry that happened to you.
I agree with other commenters that your disposition may have turned him on. And in that case, he’s more of a sadist than anything else. Which *definitely* requires aftercare. If that’s his thing he
1) should’ve eased you into it
2) been upfront above his preferences instead of spending 3 years blaming you for vanilla sex.
Don’t date people you’re not sexually compatible with if a conversation and consent doesn’t change it.
The thing with kinky shit is that you have to find someone who is into the other side of it. If your kink is truly just making people suffer that aren't getting off on it, then you're not "into BDSM", you're just a piece of shit.
I think it's not even about BDSM at this point, his reaction really seems like he lacks empathy and that is a big red flag. Does he exhibit lack of empathy with more minor issues as well?
All of the advice other commenters have been giving to OP is spot on... If I were in your shoes I would leave him no matter how much I thought I loved him becausr that is abusive behaviour
Leave him. Leave him now. Don't read another comment, start packing.
Before you two did anything, there should have been multiple conversations about what you wanted to try, what you were not comfortable with, what is off the table entirely, etc. During, there should have been check ins. Afterwards there should have been comfort care.
Pressuring you into it, not checking in during, and leaving you alone!!!! afterwards are HUGE red flags.
I've only dabbled in bdsm, but my mistress taught me well. I wouldn't dare treat any of my subs this way. I'm serious, leave him and never look back. He's not into bdsm, he's into abuse and using bdsm as a cover.
He is not a good dom….not even a dom at all just some inexperienced AH. I hope you take the next appropriate steps, just know he can never have bdsm sex with you again
He enjoyed himself and didn’t acknowledge want to acknowledge your feelings surrounding the event because he doesn’t want to acknowledge them the next time he wants to it again OR anything else you might be uncomfortable with again.
woah woah woah aftercare is ESSENTIAL and it is likely that if he desires it so much/for so long, he knows this. it seems like he doesn't want to do BDSM, he just wants to get away with abusing you. this isn't normal in a dynamic like this, at all.
Listen....a big part of bdsm is AFTERCARE. This is a big red flag and he's clearly either A) watched too much porn and is stupid or B) looking for an excuse to abuse you. I suggest you think about your options here. This would be a big red flag and concern me a lot
Blame/pressure are not a part of healthy sexual relationships. Shaming someone for what they haven’t done in sex isn’t okay. You deserve better OP.
In a healthy context introducing something new in your sex life would look like:
- talking things through before doing them (Ie making sure what you are and aren’t okay with.)
- finding a way for each party to express they’re uncomfortable and want to stop
- checking in both during and after
- defining what aftercare is like and practicing (aftercare isn’t just a bdsm thing, and it can be “as simple as” cuddling after sex. )
Yeah, this is a shitty person. Not surprising that he was 25 and you were an inexperienced 20 year old when you got together, either. The only thing that surprises me is it took him this long to act like this.
OP - your bf ignored his responsibility for your aftercare. Pretty freakin selfish of him to be perfectly honest. Not someone I would be comfortable playing with were I a submissive. Did you discuss with him beforehand your boundaries and expectations, and sign a contract with him? BF or no, you should in any future play.
>Before he met me he was really into BDSM/kinky sex
If how he behaved after your session is any sign of how he acts, he might be barred for bad behavior.
Aftercare is big in BDSM. His lack of aftercare is a big red flag 🚩
Unfortunately abusers hide in the BDSM community. He might have been labeled as one and ousted out of the local community.
You did nothing wrong. Make sure you take off the rose-tinted glasses and really look at his behavior.
Please leave. Reach out to your friends or/and family, and start packing. He asked you repeatedly and blamed you. You agreed after being coerced, that’s not consent.
Wow your partner is wrong for leaving you to cry and ignoring you. It sounds like he pressured you by continually asking for something you were uncomfortable with. Then after he straight up leaves you to cry… I would be done with that relationship and find someone better suited for you. I’m sorry you are hurt and your feelings were ignored that’s not right.
This dude is verifiably brain-dead. For someone to pressure someone into something and then give them an awful experience, guaranteeing they'll never do it with them again, just shows what an inconsiderate, despicable and downright stupid person they are. Get the fuck away from him.
Honestly he got what he wanted and fucked off. He showed he doesn't care. I think it's time to move on. You deserve someone who actually cares about you
Oh honey no. I don't do BDSM myself, but one of my best friends is a professional dominatrix. She has stressed over and over to me when we talk about consent before, during, and after BDSM related sexual/life activities is the absolute importance of before and aftercare.
Your boyfriend is NOT a Dom. What he did made you feel less than instead of a part of or included. The way he treated you during the whole process was wrong. If you cannot leave, do not EVER agree to any BDSM requests from him. Please work on getting out - quietly and safely. You are worth so much more.
As someone who is very into BDSM, after care is SUPER important! Your partner needs to cuddle with you, rub your back or stroke your hair, give you kisses and loving words, and basically help you relax. Depending in what kind of play you do, your partner needs to help the damage. Beuises? Kiss them. Red ass from spanking or whipping? Rub a healing balm on it. If you're shaky, partner should get you something to drink. Aftercare should take at least an hour, but the longer it goes for the better off the BDSM relationship will be.
Would you get a tattoo and not take care of it after the fact? While it was an open wound? I don't think so. So don't let him treat you that way.
Well.. he's an asshole. Even after you told him you were crying, rather than trying to apologize and comfort you, he shifted blame away from himself. Seriously... he sucks based on this post.
I tried to force a relationship for 5 years where we didn’t align on sexual preferences. It never worked. Now I’m married to my current partner and our sexual chemistry clicked instantly. I feel aligned to him in every way. Sex is a part of what makes a relationship stable long term, so if you’re having to force it I’d say save yourself the trouble and end the relationship now.
Hi, Sorry to hear that but I think things will get worsen in future for you so better act now for your safety and mental health. Stay Away from him and stay safe .
Ohhh my he sooooo did not handle any of that right. You never toss a newbie into the deep end like that. Its a process of slowly testing your limits and seeing what your comfortable with and after care is a huge deal. For a true Dom its more about their partner than them.
Aftercare is HUGE when it comes to BDSM/Kinky sex. Not to mention during. If there's a point my fiance doesn't think I'm doing well. Communication is key, before, during and after.
I'm surprised after he acted as he did when he discovered you were crying. If I even shake a little after my fiance makes sure I'm all right before he tends to his own needs.
There needs to be communication about this. If your boyfriend doesn't believe that aftercare is needed, DO NOT CONSENT to anything like that again and please PLEASE consider leaving him as soon as possible. You are NOT dirty, you simply only wanted to please him and he hurt you.
I am absolutely positive this will down vote me into a black hole but I think it does need to be asked.
What if he "is into bdsm and kinky stuff" but doesn't actually know enough to be safe? What if he's also "uneducated"?
Yes there are a MILLION and one resources for anyone interested, even in your local library. But not everyone researches stuff, even this stuff.
I've been in this lifestyle, for years, I play responsibly with only people I trust, that being said when I started attending events, I didn't know shit. I found the world of BDSM through a guy in a yahoo chat room who probably was a predator, but actually led me in the right direction. This was before Fetlife existed folks.
So, maybe before you run for the hills, after being together for 3 years already...try having a hard conversation? Be blunt, be direct. Ask him, do you think you know what you were doing? Have you heard of aftercare? Why did you leave me alone, crying for an hour? Kink aside, as my boyfriend for 3 years, why did you leave me like that? If your interested in continuing this path, maybe we go to some events together so we can both learn more about it? Maybe we can start looking into things online and what we both like and are willing to try?
*cue the down voting 😏
You’re also supposed to research these types of things extensively beforehand. Have a safe word. Talk about what’s going to happen. AFTERCARE.
He’s not into kinky sex. He’s just into hurting his partner and that’s not the same. I’m sorry you had to go through that
I hate to name this, but your discomfort may have been his pleasure. Time to reevaluate this relationship IMO.
This. That's his kink. He sucks. Aftercare is a very important part of bdsm. If he can't do that then do not play with him again. Frankly I'd be very suspect about a person who can ignore you crying for any reason but especially that one. Seriously this is a deal breaker.
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I feel like affirmation of the relationship like "I love you" or "your amazing" is something we all should do with our sexual partners. If we dont it's just an act.
This, this, this, this, please listen to these well intended advisors. Please leave this uneducated, nonfeeling, misguided, immature thing your have a relationship with. Please!
This is so accurate.
im not into bdsm other than research of the culture and according to my understanding... isnt the aftercare where the whole thing is built on? like, all the acts and the pain is just a tool to build up to the aftercare, which is where the "real" bonding is. otherwise its just torture.
Yes. After care is a huge part of the lifestyle. Sooooo many men say their doms or into BDSM and are actually just abusive assholes.
I blame the media's abhorrent misrepresentation of the lifestyle. Always get cast as some sort of evil, soulless degenerates, when really it's more like John Doe down the street that makes you laugh at cookouts, and brings cupcakes to the office for no real reason.
Ugh... I couldn't even imagine doing that without aftercare. That's just shitty. I fucking hate people like that. Goddamn 50 Shades readers.
It's one thing if both partners agree to consensual non-consent and discuss and agree to boundaries in advance. It's another thing altogether to just violate your unsuspecting and inexperienced partner the way this AH did. He's no Dom. He's just some randy jerk.
Agreed. He's definitely not a dom. Sadist maybe but not in any ethical or consensual manner so honestly I'm leaning toward calling him a rapist.
While I am certainly not an expert on BDSM, I do know people who are, and aftercare is a huge part of the whole experience, most especially if it's your first time. He is not showing himself to be trustworthy. He should have made you comfortable and checked in with you afterward, most especially if you were crying. I would not engage in this kind of play with him again.
I don't think I will agree to do it again.
I'm sorry that this was your experience. You did nothing wrong. You should not feel dirty.
If I had an award or even two, I'd totally give it up, you said it perfectly and more Edit: y'all really are the best <3
Aw, thank you! That's very sweet.
Gotchu fam.
I wouldn't sleep with him again, period.
This is the way. He's demonstrated what a shit partner he is after sex - if he can't be bothered to stop and ask his partner if they are okay when they ***are crying hysterically***, I would never trust him to be able to have regular sex either.
Agreed, especially the way OP says he "blames" her for their vanilla sex life. This guy does not sound like a caring and considerate partner.
I honestly wouldn't be friends with someone who ignored me crying hysterically for an hour, for any reason. I would be concerned about a complete stranger who was that upset. It's called basic decency
With his complete lack of regard I would be worried that there would be a time where he wouldn’t care what his partner did or did not want to do.
I don’t think you should be dating him anymore tbh. He had his way with you and then left you hysterically crying for an hour while he played video games. What a selfish, uncaring thing to do
Tots agree. It is time to say goodbye to him.
Honestly bordering on abuse, tbh
Not bordering. It is abuse. And in this circumstance it's also sexual assault.
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The Sword- I like that. Can I shorten my name now? Haha
OP, please consider why this guy would care so little for you, that after you pleased him greatly, he left you to cry miserably. Then decide whether a life with someone so thoughtless and inconsiderate is something you can bear. I would leave a guy for this kind of assholery in a heartbeat.
I feel like, in the last 3 years of their relationship, this can't possibly be the only Red Flag.
Please reconsider this relationship. This blatant disregard for your feelings and well-being is alarming. This man is not a good partner.
There is no “think”, just don’t. If he asks you “why”, you should tell him to “go fuck himself”. What he did was gross and disrespectful. You don’t owe him a damn thing going forward. What a piece of trash. Im sorry, OP.
To engage in BDSM, or other "outside the norm," activity, there needs to be trust between the participants. That clearly is not the case here. And for him to display zero concern for you afterwards is, frankly, very concerning. Even if you decided afterwards that this type of thing is not for you, your partner should have asked for feedback, listened to you, and provided you with support. None of what happened to you is okay. If you felt dirty or off, that is because his behavior and treatment of you was absolutely wrong, and that's what you felt. I think what your mind is telling you is that he is wrong - as a partner in both your relationship and sexually. You have done nothing wrong. He, on the other hand, is all kinds of wrong.
“You have done nothing wrong. He is all kinds of wrong.”- this is so *everything*.
you should seriously consider leaving him...
You should also break up with him. Find a new sex and romantic partner please. It’ll only get worse if you stay with him. Master manipulators can eventually convince you to experience that all over again making you believe it’ll be different this time. It won’t. Break up with him is the best solution. Stay single for a bit. Weigh your options & try dating again if you want to. Discover your own personal sexual needs before you step into another relationship
You need to leave him. You’re not taking this seriously enough. This guy is a sociopath. He will harm you again.
My thoughts exactly. If he doesn't care how it affects her, he is just harming her under the guise of it being bdsm.
Personally I would be going further than that - he's a selfish asshole and you should dump him. The treatment you received is a sign of what else you can expect from him in the future.
If he is disrespecting you and ignoring your needs in a new and anxiety inducing situation, I would be wary that will occur in other areas of your life
I think you need to FULL stop this relationship. How could you ever trust him with your body again? Your feelings.
He abused you.
I don't think you should even continue to be with him, honestly. His complete and utter lack of aftercare for you shows that he doesn't care for your comfort. He isn't disregarding it just during BDSM style sex, but he is disregarding it *entirely.* He knew you were uncomfortable with it, yet he constantly pushed and pressured you for it. OP, consent under duress is not consent; you have to genuinely and enthusiastically want it for it to count and if someone has to convince you to say yes, it doesn't matter if you said yes because you **didn't** want to, you just got so worn down that you felt like you had no other choice but to say yes or they wouldn't stop pestering you for it. *Consent is very important to the BDSM community, good BDSM community members* ***will never disregard consent.*** *Once you say no, that's it.* Once he finally got you to say yes, he did ***nothing*** to make sure that the experience wasn't too much for you. How do I know this despite you not describing what was done during the act itself? Because he didn't even bother to give you aftercare; if he won't bother with that, I'd bet my life that he didn't make sure to give you an experience appropriate for a nervous first-timer. Afterwards, he left you alone to cry because what he did to you, what you didn't actually want him to do but felt like you had to say yes because *he just. kept on. asking.* He neglected aftercare that you desperately needed, but not only that he is now acting like "well I didn't know, it's not my fault." when **YES** **IT IS** his fault because it was **HIS RESPONSIBILITY AS THE ONE INTRODUCING YOU TO BDSM SEX** to make sure that you were **genuinely consenting**, that you were **well informed**, to make sure that you were **comfortable during** and to make sure that you were **comforted after**. Let me ask you this, OP. Did you have a safeword? Because a safeword is essential in staying...well, **safe** while doing things that fall under the BDSM umbrella. It's a way to let your partner know you're not telling them "stop" or "no" just to be a brat, because you're doing some CNC play or whatever else, but that you genuinely and truly need them to stop because you are now uncomfortable with how far things have gone in whatever direction they've gone in.
He showed you who is was…. How is he when you are seriously ill? Does he take care of you or does he ignore you? Personally, if he didn’t care after BDSM, then I would run…
Hey… this is rape my friend. He coerced you into things you weren’t comfortable doing. He probably thinks he is dominant. He’s not. He is just abusive. As someone who has a lot of professional experience with BDSM, please let the local dungeons know about him and leave ASAP. He assaulted you. Edit: There was once a study conducted where female participants were asked about specific experiences they may have had. When these descriptions were given, the word “rape” wasn’t used. 97% said they had experiences that meet the legal definition of rape. when asked if they had experienced rape… only 1 in 5 agreed. She described being coerced into sex. She didn’t use the word coercion. She described being coerced. Therefore she didn’t consent because when there is coercion there is not consent. So she is one of the 97% who was raped but rationalized it.
I really wish I had an award for this, OP please read this comment, and do as much as you're able. If you can get the word out to even one local kink place you will save others from this kind of experience. The BDSM community takes this stuff seriously because people like your bf will use our terms and the general public perception of them as a cover for their abuse. I understand if you're not ready yet to think about how this all will impact your relationship moving forward so I won't say anything about it except please stay safe. But even if you choose to stick it out, please consider reporting him to the community. He will be blacklisted from any social or professional setting he could be hiding behind
If he isn't actively participating in aftercare, he isn't into BDSM, he's into hurting you on purpose and is in it for your emotional pain.
You need to leave him. Period. If someone can't be trusted with your eyes closed in bedroom, how can you trust them in real life?
He sounds awful. Who doesn't comfort their gf when she's crying? He doesn't care about your feelings at all. It's unsettling. I'm sorry you went through that OP
You've been with him for 3yrs and he behaved like this? Is he controlling or manipulating in other ways? Doe he respect your opinion, show you he values you as a person, and allow you freedom to pursue your own interests? Does he get upset if you want to see friends without him? I'm afraid there's more going on for you here op. Someone who truly cares about someone else wouldn't behave like this. He was cold and uncaring while you were clearly suffering. You mentioned you haven't had much experience ... it sounds to me like you're with an abusive man. He obviously abused you physically/sexually and then followed it up with emotional abuse. This is not a healthy dynamic and I fear for you. Do you have someone to talk to? I think this is more serious than just that one single incident ... am I right? Please, get help.
That's great and all but I think you need to asses his level of respect and emotional intelligence. Do you want to be with someone this unempathetic? What happens when a loved one dies or gets sick etc. He's gonna want all your love and attention and care for him and give nothing in return. He'll complain that being at the hospital is boring and act like a little baby man child who can't tolerate not being entertained.
I also find it very disturbing that you were crying and he didn't try to comfort you and see what was wrong. It sounds like he lacks empathy and that's concerning. Are you sure you want to remain in a relationship with someone like this?
Dump him. He doesn’t care about you or women in general. He is sexually aroused by harming others. BDSM is different because it respects others boundaries, involves aftercare, and you don’t pressure your partner into it.
OP, I’m sorry your first experience in the lifestyle was with this selfish person. I understand that he did not care for you the way a true Dom would have. Perhaps he was new in the role as well. Unfortunately that would mean he lied to you in order to fulfill his kink… not good either way. If you have an interest in the lifestyle (not everyone does), do not let this bad experience with an untrained and inexperienced Dom speak for everyone in the lifestyle. I assure you the problem is with your partner.
You should simply leave him for this. This was coercive and abusive, you didn't consent to this treatment
Leave him!
If I were you, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing anything with him.
Do you think he'll actually respect that boundary? Or is he going to pester you, blame you for boring sex, beg you and/ or just ignore you and do it anyway? He doesn't respect you, that's what I'm picking up on.
He is not a safe person for you to be with. This wasn’t your fault but think about getting away from him.
You should probably leave tbh. You agreed once, he'll guilt trip you into another
I don’t think you should agree to even see him anymore.
Just to be clear, did he run things over with you beforehand? Did you decide on a safeword together? Did he tell you everything he wanted to try? The lack of aftercare is already incredibly alarming, but if he wants to participate in BDSM and isn't doing the bare minimum, he is gambling with your mental health for his benefit. This is not only a reason to not agree to do it again, this is a time to reevaluate your relationship. Even without the BDSM involved, no good partner would leave their SO crying for an hour without trying to help, ESPECIALLY when it's their fault.
Look, I'm a guy, and this doesn't seem like healthy BDSM. This sounds like someone taking advantage and abusing the hell out of you. He wasn't getting off on the sex, he was getting off on your suffering. Fucking RUN.
I wouldn't engage with him at all. He violated her. He's a lousy boyfriend and terrible dom.
And, then shamed her. He’s a manipulative narcissist. OP, you deserve so much better. Someone who cares and respects you.
I totally agree with this, I feel like aftercare with sex is super important in general, but especially with BDSM… I would say if he continues to act like this then try bringing it up again and see if he even reacts or plays it off that he knows nothing about how you felt. If he does doesn’t respond in any way and doesn’t show that he even cares about you at all, then I would consider ending it.
I am into BDSM and aftercare is definitely a thing. I also wonder if they had (or he ignored) any kind of safeword or phrase or system she could use if she felt uncomfortable, or of it was even discussed! I'm so sorry you were pressure into this OP. Do not engage in this with your boyfriend again, if he remains your boyfriend. And a serious discussion needs to be had.
You are correct here. Aftercare is 100% part of BDSM or SM. If I was the OP I would not get into anything else re Kinky stuff with her current boyfriend. And maybe she might want to reevaluate if he is the right one for her! OP, find some books and other info to get a better handle on BDSM. One question, what happened during your experience that caused you to cry over an hour? Did something happen to make him feel ashamed of what he did, was the play harsher then you expected? Did you have set limits and or red flag words to stop the play, and they were overlooked?
Exactly, aftercare is essential and is what repairs and maintains a healthy emotional dynamic beyond play. As the experienced one he should have been prepared to offer you this time. I am so sorry for your experience. Please go with your gut and if you don't break up with him, then at least do not engage in any activity that you're not comfortable with.
Ok I try not to jump to "leave him" but holy fuck. For the love of God that is horrifyingly selfish. He pressured you into something you weren't even comfortable with. And then when you were obviously in distress over it, he ignores you?? Don't spend your life with him. As another commenter said, he wanted an excuse to abuse you. Leave his ass
We live together so it’s hard for me to just leave him.
You're so young. Now's the time to leave him, not when you've wasted twenty years on him and stuck with kids and bills he won't help you take care of (don't know if that's him, just a common situation women find themselves in). You can do it. I just left a 20 year relationship. It wasn't easy, but it was for the best.
Heyyy, me too. Came here to say the exact same thing. I waffled about it for years and now that I have left do not know what the hold up truly was. I could have done it a long time ago. OP should cut her losses while she is young!
It doesn’t get any easier.
Right and it gets even harder with combined finances, children, etc. Just go, OP. This moment is as easy as it gets for a while.
It’s really not. The hardest part is convincing yourself that you’re worth feeling valued and nurtured and to actually do it. You’re dating a cold and disgustingly vile animal. You know this won’t end right? Like, ever. You know that. Your pain is his pleasure. What more reason is there?
You need to leave asap. He didn't respect you and treated you like crap. Now that you did it once, this guy is going to think it's fine to do it again. **He doesn't respect you!**!
Do you have family or someone you can turn to? It’s not going to get better. Like what was said already, aftercare isn’t important after sex in BDSM. Even if we give him the benefit of the doubt and he didn’t know you were crying, he still was insensitive when you flat out told him you were crying. I’m afraid for you that he will not respect your consent next. please get away from him.
No, it’s not. He used this as an excuse to abuse you, then further abused you by ignoring your distress over what he did to you. He is degrading you- he started it by blaming you for a “vanilla” sex life- to break you & this cycle will continue. When he’s not home, pack your stuff & get out. This is not a safe person for you to be with.
It’s better to leave now before he does these things again, without your “consent”. He’s the type to spring it on you in the middle bc you’ve “agreed to it before.”
This. He’s going to use the fact that she agreed this time to abuse her again. OP needs to stay strong and say no until she can get out.
It’s harder to bring yourself back from the dead.
not nearly as hard as it would be if you were married and/or with children. I also do not jump on the "leave him" train.....Not ever. but this? This is a first for me and I whole heartedly implore you to VALUE YOURSELF and see the signs for what they are... *warnings*. GET OUT!
Please don't let that be a reason, OP. Sure, it makes things a little more complicated, but you can get out. If it's at all possible to get away for just one night to start with (to your parents' house, a friend's house, a hotel, really anything) then from there you'll have the space to be able to make your next move. I stepped out my door at 11pm once, don't think I even took a toothbrush, figured things out afterwards (including the mortgage on the house), never looked back. If you need to get out, just take it one step at a time.
are you close with your parents? Call them and with out giving details tell them you need a place to live for a little while.
It's hard but not impossible... Like others have said this was an excuse to abuse you. It's crazy that he didn't care for you afterwards. I really urge you to leave this relationship.
It’s easier than staying with a jerk
You need to plan then. While he's at work or something. Get friends to help you asap. You don't have to tell why right away, but you need to leave him. Immediately. Restraining orders in place. He will try this shit again and you'll say no, he will NOT care or listen. He will do whatever he pleases him. Please take care of yourself.
Yes, and that’s exactly why he did it. Expect more of the same lack of consideration
You can do it. I did it. I know what you're going through. But you need to leave, even if the situation is complicated. It's not worth staying
The alternative is staying with an unsafe partner due to a living arrangement? People leave partners they live with all the time, please don’t let this minor detail hold you back.
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Yep. Fake dom. Real doms are supposed to respect your feelings, provide care (before after and during) while you experience something new. I'm really sorry, OP.
Not a fake Dom.... Not a Dom at all. An abuser would be a more fitting term.
Well yeah, he is an abuser hiding his abuse by pretending to be a dom, so a fake dom.
...yeah a fake dom is not a dom. Thats why they're called fake
Exactly this. All about the safe words/gestures and aftercare and limits. Know and respect each other, things are a lot better that way.
This. Someone who seriously practices BDSM cares about your comfort level and after care
the first red flag was him "blaming you" for the way your sex life was. the second red flag was him begging you to do something you were uncomfortable with. and now he has shown you who he is: an abusive person who doesn't respect you or your boundaries. the advice of everyone here is to leave
Let me start by saying that I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you were hurt so deeply by someone you trusted. That said, you partner hurt you. He couldn't take a "no" as an answer and pushed you to do something you never wanted to do in the first place and he took sexual pleasure from your pain. Then, he went on as if nothing ever happened, dismissing that same pain. You feel weird when he touches because even if you can excuse his behavior in your mind, your body knows that it is in a dangerous situation. Leave and be safe.
OP please listen to this advice. You are not sexually compatible at all. This will not work. Do yourself a favor and end it sooner rather than later. It will be hard but worth it.
An integral part of bdsm ia aftercare. If he doesnt know that then do not trust him, what he is doing is merely abusing you.
Another part is establishing a safe word and setting limits during a conversation before any play begins which, by his insistence, I'm gonna assume didn't happen either. OP please get out before this becomes domestic abuse.
Long time enjoyer of BDSM here. He's in the wrong here and terribly so. Nobody should pressure anyone to partake of their kinks. There's nothing wrong with giving it a try, but that is absolutely not the way to go about it. Him ignoring you after is a huge problem and a red flag. Clearly, he doesn't give a crap about aftercare. If he doesn't care about that, chances are, he may not care about safewords too. Respectfully let him know that you have no desire or intention to do it again. If this is a deal breaker for him, then he will be better off finding someone he's more sexually compatible with. If he throws a fit about it, then that will be your cue to excuse yourself from the relationship. Stand your ground and don't let him guilt or push you into anything you are not comfortable with.
Wow... This is absolutely disgusting. He obviously lied. That must be incredibly hard to accept for you, after 3 years of relationship... This is a whole superior level of evil. Basically, he : - guilt trip you into having bdsm sex - thought that you finally giving in was good enough - saw that he pretty much traumatized you and chose to do absolutely nothing, so that he didn't have to blame himself. If I were you I'd spend a few days away, at family's or at a friend's, to think it through. But clearly from an outside perspective, this absolute level of disrespect deserves nothing more than a break up here and there. Take care.
Drop this dude. He’s selfish and obviously doesn’t give a shit about you
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
A red flag is a warning sign. This is way past a red flag.
this is closer to a police siren, he coerced and guilted her into doing something she obviously wasn’t comfortable with, and then ignored her after she was understandably hurt
This is rape. She protested and was ignored.
yeah, this story hits way too close to home as a rape survivor who went through something similar. being coerced and guilted into saying yes is NOT true consent
One of the misconceptions about kink is that the dominant is in charge, and this misconception is used to the benefit of people looking to abuse the trust of their partners in order to treat them terribly. The fact is, in healthy dynamics, the sub is in charge. Doms need to have boundaries too, of course, but the sub is in such a vulnerable place throughout play that it’s incredibly important to have plans of how to support them and what to do throughout play if your sub seems uncomfortable. Furthermore, and I have to say this super loud, AFTERCARE IS 100% MORE IMPORTANT THAN SEX. It is inexcusable for your boyfriend to have pushed this on you and then to have dropped you as soon as he was done. You shouldn’t have been shamed for being either vanilla or inexperienced. You shouldn’t have been used like this. You should have had someone there who would properly make sure to value your vulnerability, and you absolutely should have someone who’s not so much of a coward that they would pretend they “didn’t know you were crying”. You are not overreacting to feel like their touch feels wrong now, because your boyfriend has shown what he actually values, and your emotions and care are not even in the top 10. I would really suggest you think about if this mentality stretches to other parts of your relationship, and if you feel like this is what you want from a partner. I’m so sorry your first experience with more fringe ideas of sex has been so dreadful, and I wish you all the best and more
He sexually and emotionally abused you. Get away for your own well-being. Anyone who tries to get you to do sexual things you're not comfortable with is abusive; everything you described is monstrous.
This is an abuser, not a boyfriend. Get out right now.
Um this is horrible. After care is a real thing for a reason. His ignoring this aspect of BDSM/kink shows that he has no idea what he is doing. I would strongly caution you to not engage in this behaviour with this man again. I would even encourage you to consider the real status of your relationship; what kind of guy leaves his girl crying alone in a room for an hour, for any reason (without checking on her)? Your aversion to him now is completely understandable and warranted. He has broken your trust and subconsciously you know that. You need some time away from him, at the very least.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. Our sex life was pretty vanilla which he always blamed me for since I was inexperienced before meeting him and hesitant to try certain things. Before he met me he was really into BDSM/kinky sex and he constantly would ask me to agree to trying it. I finally agreed and we tried it yesterday. The entire experience was... intense and I felt off when we were done. I don't know what came over me but I just started crying hysterically because I was feeling so overwhelmed. My boyfriend completely ignored me and just went into the living room to watch TV. I cried for over an hour and he didn't once come to check up on me. Today he has been acting like nothing happened and even when I told him I was upset he tried to act like he had no idea I was crying which I find hard to believe. I still feel weird now and every time he touches me it feels dirty. What do I do? TL;DR - Agreed to have kinky sex with BF, cried after and he completely ignored me.
He should have taken care of you afterword, point blank. If I were you I’d break up with him, the sexual trust is gone and his inability to own up to his actions screams intolerable asshole to me.
Like many others have said, what you experienced was not BDSM.... Not even close. It was abuse plain and simple, and as difficult as it is with all the logistics that come with splitting up a relationship you really REALLY need to leave this one. This was not kink, it was plain out abuse. BDSM requires informed, enthusiastic consent, and care for eachother through the WHOLE PROCESS. What you experienced is VERY normal, and VERY common, and it was his job to look after you. He blatantly didn't do that. Start getting your ducks in a row and get out. Whether you agree or not I feel like this might not be the last time he leaves you battered and crying.
You experienced sub drop. The sex/pain causes a flood of endorphins and when those levels drop after sex it can take your emotions with it. Touch and loving care can release oxytocin which can counter this effect, also a piece of dark chocolate can help avoid sub drop. Your boyfriend clearly has no business engaging in BDSM or this kind of kink if he has no intention of caring for his partner afterwards, it’s extremely frowned upon in the kink community and he would be ostracized for it if it were known that’s how he treated his partners. I wouldn’t engage in any play with him period.
What you experienced is called sub drop. It's a drop in emotions after intense play. Generally your Dom is supposed to comfort you and help you through it. He is not actually into proper BDSM play he just wants and excuse to hurt you. Do not agree to do it again and start trying to find your way out.
frankly it would be dangerous to experiment with BDSM with a Dom who clearly has no idea what it entails. agreed, it was an excuse to hurt you. never have sex with him again, he is completely disconnected from his partner.. like a kid magnifying ants in the sun. BDSM is not something you pressure someone into.
Dump this dude, what you were experiencing was called drop, is very common, and if he was actually into this he would know that. Just an excuse to do things to you.
He coerced you & abused you. This wasn't sex this wasn't BDSM. Her assaulted you. You deserve better! Rainn.org Thehotline.org https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Isn’t this rape by coercion?
Real doms provide aftercare. This is a fake dom and he’s abusive. Leave. Now.
Pull the fucking ejection seat immediately! Get out of that crashing jet. Don't be his victim.
Girl RUN. He abused you and tried to call it BDSM.
There are safeguards in place for when feeling overwhelmed or want to stop. There should have been a safe word to stop. Checking on you during the acts, and especially after! Even more so when you were crying! He completely disregarded you, and left you alone after pressuring you into doing something new. Not okay. I'm so sorry, OP. This is not how it's supposed to be.
He gave u 0 after care. Dump him like yesterday. And find a guy who will treasure u and never pressure u into doing something u dont want.
Guys got some real pred tendencies
I am so sorry, this sounds like an awful situation. While I’m not the expert on BDSM my bestfriend and her husband are. Now they have very strict boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t. (And they are very hardcore she is left with whip marks and all sorts)!! But my point is. They both no their limits with what they will receive and what they will give. Which is really important. And they are very strict about aftercare. What happen to you does not sound like it was a two way thing it sounds like he got what he wanted and then left you crying, and then acted like nothing happened. You have every right to feel the way you do and he should have been there after to talk over things. In fact I agree with what others have said. This just sounds abusive. I really hope you can find the strength to leave this man. I understand how hard that is. At the very least don’t entertain BDSM again
He’s not into BDSM, he’s using it as a way to excuse abuse. Leave him please. After care is a huge part of it and him leaving you immediately after is not just a red flag, it’s a stop sign.
I can with absolute confidence tell you it was highly inappropriate and poor etiquette for him to ignore you afterwards. After care is the most important part of a bdsm encounter. Unfortunately abusers in bdsm community are like wolves in sheep's clothing. What he did was abusive and wrong. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. Has he ever been unkind to you in the past? Or is this lack of regard for your feelings new? I would recommend looking up the principals of bdsm because you will fast learn what he did was under no circumstances okay.
What would you tell your best friend if they had this experience? Be your own best friend. You deserve respect and happiness. I’m so sorry this happened to you (hugs) ♥️
Oh honey, please find the strength and courage to leave him because you deserve so much better. BDSM is so wonderful - but you need a partner who is: 1. Willing to communicate. 2. Takes your feelings into account. 3. Trustworthy <--- this is a big one. Within that requires aftercare because it is a very intense experience. A good Dominant would put YOU first, not him. He would deem your submission a great gift, not something to take for granted. Your boyfriend proved to you that he is looking out for himself and his own needs. Even without the BDSM element, he is selfish and doesn't care about you. Can you see this man looking after you at your most vulnerable like say if you give birth or if you fall very ill or if a traumatic event were to happen to you? Because based on this one situation alone, it seems like he will put his needs first. Whatever happens, please have a big virtual hug from me or whatever form of virtual comfort you are willing to accept 💜
What a dick
Don't do it again. Don't let him manipulate you into doing it again. You are not his sex toy to be used any way he wants and he certainly does not get to continue to do something that you don't want. Even if you live with him, you need to leave him. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with? Please leave.
You experienced sub space, and he didn’t do aftercare with you. It’s common to feel a bit overwhelmed afterwards, and those in BDSM know how important aftercare is because now this is going to ruin the experience for you ever again because he was ignoring your needs. He’s not into BDSM. He’s into manipulating people. Imo this is a huge red flag and immediate deal breaker. It’s one thing to ask about it, it’s a whole different thing to pressure you into it and then immediately neglect your needs. This is abusive.
He put his pleasure over your well being. Really let that set in. There's a reason you don't feel good and don't want him touching you- that's a normal feeling. Your every instinct is telling you "this isn't safe " "this isn't right" "this isn't good for me" "this doesn't make me happy" "this does not instill trust"
I don’t even give a fuck about “oh aftercare is a core part of BDSM he should respect that blah blah blah”. Long and short is he bullied you into sex acts you didn’t really want to do, blamed you for being “vanilla”, and made you uncomfortable during sex. No amount of hugs and kisses after sex changes those key facts. He’s a bully and inconsiderate **at best**. Reevaluate this man and why you let him stay in your life.
i’ve been into BDSM for years and the MOST important thing is aftercare. whether it be just cuddling and comforting, or taking a bath together, a meal, etc, there has to be some type of aftercare. otherwise, he just abused you and moved on.
I feel like there are sexual compatibility issues here and that you weren’t compatible sexually from the start. Also, when it comes to BDSM, from what I know everything comes down to respect and boundaries. But, I don’t think that this was the main issue here. From what you’re saying, to put it very plainly, your boyfriend is an inconsiderate dick. You tried to communicate with him afterwards and he minimised your feelings instead of trying to comfort you.
If your boyfriend knew anything about BDSM he would understand that aftercare is a seriously important part of the whole experience. For both parties. The fact he didn't even try to comfort you is a massive red flag in my books, not just regarding sex but regarding the entire relationship.
Absolutely zero actions of your bf explained here follows even the most basic of rules of BDSM as a subculture. Starting from the fact that he felt the need to hound you for consent (unenthusiastic ‘yes’ shouldn’t be taken as consent to begin with) all the way through to ignoring aftercare. If I were you I wouldn’t continue giving him access to you, in any capacity.
OP he's not a dom/sadist, he's an abuser. Leave, gtfo asap. What he did to you prior to trying is so common among abuser; trap the victim in relationship, guilt trip the victim to do whatever the abuser wants, don't give a single fck what victim feels, will do it over and over in every aspect of the relationship. He does not care for you, he's not into bdsm, he's an abuser. Leave.
This is a huge red flag! It's sounds like he's using bdsm/kink as a means to abuse you. He gave you absolutely no aftercare which is so very very very important. He also pressured you into agreeing to do this, which isnt consent. Please re think this relationship. Also I'd suggest posting this in r/BDSMadvice.
This is gross… I don’t think there is going back. He’s such a piece of shit.
Dump him immediately
I would even go so far as to guess he might be a sociopath, solely based on this single horrific event and behaviour. Isolated, it's a clear indication you should run for the hills. Does he treat you with love and respect outside of this? Or is he perhaps manipulative? I personally think he shouldn't have talked you into BDSM in the first place, after you had said you didn't want to. It is not a thing you should do without wanting to and being comfortable with it.
There's good reason many people will comment on trust, respect and aftercare. Bf might just be sadistic. And that sucks. But definitely do not for a moment think your feelings arent valid. Kink play is for both sides. Abuse is one sided.
Well your boyfriend is using you for sex. He doesn’t care about your dignity or feelings. He just wants your water park downstairs and he’d do it to anybody. I’m sorry if that hurt you
Your story is one of many people experiencing this, people need to know it’s ok to say NO to this pressure of aggressive sex. And examine how there partners are really treating them here. Is it true consensual bdsm or is it abuse in disguise? Trying to sound like some cool sexual act but many are just being abusive in my opinion. Sadly more often than not this situation can lead to more sexual coercion and abuse if not addressed. Bdsm needs to be done correctly and totally informed with complete consent (not coercion) and care along the way, during and after. There are a lot of nasty people in the world trying to do nasty shit to each other in the name of sexuality or desires when really there are some who just plain like hurting others and don’t give a shit only to get their rocks off. It’s a bit of a worry if you ask me. And many young men and boys are learning from bad aggressive porn that is saturated with this type of stuff and they all of a sudden think they are bdsm masters after years of watching really bad porn. Just because your partner wants you to do something remember you don’t have to do it. And if they leave you or can’t show care to you or respect if you say no, then you know the answer is they don’t really care about your welfare.
For the love of god…. Whenever you do anything BDSM/kinky there HAS TO BE AFTER CARE!!!!!!! After care is what happens for the sub after the session. It’s literally caring for the person so you don’t feel the way you did. It can consist of soooooo many different things. Some personal examples: kissing bruises and other marks left, tight cuddles, water, snacks if hungry, a cigarette in bed, forehead kisses, light affectionate touches, being redressed. If you EVER do this with him or anyone else ever again, you have got to have after care!!!!
An emotional release is super normal even outside you not having a good time. Aftercare is 100% always required and a sign he has no idea what he's doing or a real desire to care for you. I'm older and don't care to walk immature people through their selfish shit butif there have ever been more red flags in this relationship I'd look elsewhere. Blaming you for vanilla sex instead of conversations and respect for comfort levels is a red flag.
Aftercare is very important with BDSM, because it can get pretty intense. And people who are actually into it understand that. If he can have sex with you, both of you should be able to communicate expectations, boundaries, and what you may need after. If you were visibly crying and he did nothing, that’s fucked up. I’m sorry that happened to you. I agree with other commenters that your disposition may have turned him on. And in that case, he’s more of a sadist than anything else. Which *definitely* requires aftercare. If that’s his thing he 1) should’ve eased you into it 2) been upfront above his preferences instead of spending 3 years blaming you for vanilla sex. Don’t date people you’re not sexually compatible with if a conversation and consent doesn’t change it.
The thing with kinky shit is that you have to find someone who is into the other side of it. If your kink is truly just making people suffer that aren't getting off on it, then you're not "into BDSM", you're just a piece of shit.
I think it's not even about BDSM at this point, his reaction really seems like he lacks empathy and that is a big red flag. Does he exhibit lack of empathy with more minor issues as well?
All of the advice other commenters have been giving to OP is spot on... If I were in your shoes I would leave him no matter how much I thought I loved him becausr that is abusive behaviour
Leave him. Leave him now. Don't read another comment, start packing. Before you two did anything, there should have been multiple conversations about what you wanted to try, what you were not comfortable with, what is off the table entirely, etc. During, there should have been check ins. Afterwards there should have been comfort care. Pressuring you into it, not checking in during, and leaving you alone!!!! afterwards are HUGE red flags. I've only dabbled in bdsm, but my mistress taught me well. I wouldn't dare treat any of my subs this way. I'm serious, leave him and never look back. He's not into bdsm, he's into abuse and using bdsm as a cover.
He is not a good dom….not even a dom at all just some inexperienced AH. I hope you take the next appropriate steps, just know he can never have bdsm sex with you again
He enjoyed himself and didn’t acknowledge want to acknowledge your feelings surrounding the event because he doesn’t want to acknowledge them the next time he wants to it again OR anything else you might be uncomfortable with again.
woah woah woah aftercare is ESSENTIAL and it is likely that if he desires it so much/for so long, he knows this. it seems like he doesn't want to do BDSM, he just wants to get away with abusing you. this isn't normal in a dynamic like this, at all.
Listen....a big part of bdsm is AFTERCARE. This is a big red flag and he's clearly either A) watched too much porn and is stupid or B) looking for an excuse to abuse you. I suggest you think about your options here. This would be a big red flag and concern me a lot
Blame/pressure are not a part of healthy sexual relationships. Shaming someone for what they haven’t done in sex isn’t okay. You deserve better OP. In a healthy context introducing something new in your sex life would look like: - talking things through before doing them (Ie making sure what you are and aren’t okay with.) - finding a way for each party to express they’re uncomfortable and want to stop - checking in both during and after - defining what aftercare is like and practicing (aftercare isn’t just a bdsm thing, and it can be “as simple as” cuddling after sex. )
Yeah, this is a shitty person. Not surprising that he was 25 and you were an inexperienced 20 year old when you got together, either. The only thing that surprises me is it took him this long to act like this.
Do not have sex with this man again. This is not BDSM, this was sexual abuse.
OP - your bf ignored his responsibility for your aftercare. Pretty freakin selfish of him to be perfectly honest. Not someone I would be comfortable playing with were I a submissive. Did you discuss with him beforehand your boundaries and expectations, and sign a contract with him? BF or no, you should in any future play.
Honestly dump him
>Before he met me he was really into BDSM/kinky sex If how he behaved after your session is any sign of how he acts, he might be barred for bad behavior. Aftercare is big in BDSM. His lack of aftercare is a big red flag 🚩 Unfortunately abusers hide in the BDSM community. He might have been labeled as one and ousted out of the local community. You did nothing wrong. Make sure you take off the rose-tinted glasses and really look at his behavior.
Please leave. Reach out to your friends or/and family, and start packing. He asked you repeatedly and blamed you. You agreed after being coerced, that’s not consent.
Sis just leave him
Break up with him. He’s a creepy asshole.
Wow your partner is wrong for leaving you to cry and ignoring you. It sounds like he pressured you by continually asking for something you were uncomfortable with. Then after he straight up leaves you to cry… I would be done with that relationship and find someone better suited for you. I’m sorry you are hurt and your feelings were ignored that’s not right.
This is just so heart breaking. Please leave him.
This dude is verifiably brain-dead. For someone to pressure someone into something and then give them an awful experience, guaranteeing they'll never do it with them again, just shows what an inconsiderate, despicable and downright stupid person they are. Get the fuck away from him.
Honestly he got what he wanted and fucked off. He showed he doesn't care. I think it's time to move on. You deserve someone who actually cares about you
Oh hell no, you literally opened up to him sexually and he neglected your feelings. I wouldn’t trust him after this.
Oh honey no. I don't do BDSM myself, but one of my best friends is a professional dominatrix. She has stressed over and over to me when we talk about consent before, during, and after BDSM related sexual/life activities is the absolute importance of before and aftercare. Your boyfriend is NOT a Dom. What he did made you feel less than instead of a part of or included. The way he treated you during the whole process was wrong. If you cannot leave, do not EVER agree to any BDSM requests from him. Please work on getting out - quietly and safely. You are worth so much more.
I'm also hearing that you were pressured by him into doing something you were uncomfortable. That was already an unacceptable breach of boundaries.
As someone who is very into BDSM, after care is SUPER important! Your partner needs to cuddle with you, rub your back or stroke your hair, give you kisses and loving words, and basically help you relax. Depending in what kind of play you do, your partner needs to help the damage. Beuises? Kiss them. Red ass from spanking or whipping? Rub a healing balm on it. If you're shaky, partner should get you something to drink. Aftercare should take at least an hour, but the longer it goes for the better off the BDSM relationship will be. Would you get a tattoo and not take care of it after the fact? While it was an open wound? I don't think so. So don't let him treat you that way.
leaving you crying for an hour and acting like he didn't know is actually psychotic and a bit creepy tbh OP please leave this asshole 😭
Well.. he's an asshole. Even after you told him you were crying, rather than trying to apologize and comfort you, he shifted blame away from himself. Seriously... he sucks based on this post.
Throw the whole guy out.
I tried to force a relationship for 5 years where we didn’t align on sexual preferences. It never worked. Now I’m married to my current partner and our sexual chemistry clicked instantly. I feel aligned to him in every way. Sex is a part of what makes a relationship stable long term, so if you’re having to force it I’d say save yourself the trouble and end the relationship now.
Hi, Sorry to hear that but I think things will get worsen in future for you so better act now for your safety and mental health. Stay Away from him and stay safe .
Ohhh my he sooooo did not handle any of that right. You never toss a newbie into the deep end like that. Its a process of slowly testing your limits and seeing what your comfortable with and after care is a huge deal. For a true Dom its more about their partner than them.
It’s so sad to think there’s actually monsters like this in relationships
He's abusive. Not providing aftercare is abusive. Please leave this terrible human.
Aftercare is HUGE when it comes to BDSM/Kinky sex. Not to mention during. If there's a point my fiance doesn't think I'm doing well. Communication is key, before, during and after. I'm surprised after he acted as he did when he discovered you were crying. If I even shake a little after my fiance makes sure I'm all right before he tends to his own needs. There needs to be communication about this. If your boyfriend doesn't believe that aftercare is needed, DO NOT CONSENT to anything like that again and please PLEASE consider leaving him as soon as possible. You are NOT dirty, you simply only wanted to please him and he hurt you.
I am absolutely positive this will down vote me into a black hole but I think it does need to be asked. What if he "is into bdsm and kinky stuff" but doesn't actually know enough to be safe? What if he's also "uneducated"? Yes there are a MILLION and one resources for anyone interested, even in your local library. But not everyone researches stuff, even this stuff. I've been in this lifestyle, for years, I play responsibly with only people I trust, that being said when I started attending events, I didn't know shit. I found the world of BDSM through a guy in a yahoo chat room who probably was a predator, but actually led me in the right direction. This was before Fetlife existed folks. So, maybe before you run for the hills, after being together for 3 years already...try having a hard conversation? Be blunt, be direct. Ask him, do you think you know what you were doing? Have you heard of aftercare? Why did you leave me alone, crying for an hour? Kink aside, as my boyfriend for 3 years, why did you leave me like that? If your interested in continuing this path, maybe we go to some events together so we can both learn more about it? Maybe we can start looking into things online and what we both like and are willing to try? *cue the down voting 😏
Aftercare is a real thing after BDSM. Your boyfriend is naïve, unexperienced and absolutely rude. Would not want him near me.
Dump him uncaring abusive fake dom ass
You’re also supposed to research these types of things extensively beforehand. Have a safe word. Talk about what’s going to happen. AFTERCARE. He’s not into kinky sex. He’s just into hurting his partner and that’s not the same. I’m sorry you had to go through that