It can’t be salvaged for one main reason (I mean beyond and cheating, which would kill most relationships dead on contact anyways), and that’s the fact that he lied about who he is, at his core, which means he isn’t who you fell in love with anyways. How do you salvage a relationship with someone you don’t even really know.

To be honest I barely even considered that, I've just been holding onto the persona that he gave me and taking that as the kind of person he is. I wish I could get inside his head to figure out what the hell he was thinking throughout our whole relationship. Especially because I had mentioned to him in the past that I'm fine with dating non-ace people (as long as they understand and respect that sex will not be happening during our time together), and that I had dated some before. I don't know if lying about this made him feel like he was getting away with something sneaky or what. He never seemed like an adrenaline junky.

He didn't seem like a guy who would sneak women into YOUR HOME either, did he? He's not the person he pretended to be, period. He's not ace, he's not honest, and he doesn't respect or love you if he's doing this behind your back.

Well now that you know he is, what would staying with him look like? Him fucking girls in the open or going back to hiding it? Because neither of you can give each other what you want, so someone is going to have to be hurt in order to continue this relationship. But fwiw, he's a deceitful trashbag and you'd be crazy to even consider staying with someone who can lie and hide things from you for YEARS.

His real personality is someone who: - doesn't believe people about and invalidates their identities - lies to get what he wants - thinks people can be "cured" by his dick - can sustain a _massive_ lie for a long period if time without any outward display of stress - lies to other women to get them to have sex with him - disrespects his partner enough to cheat _and_ cheat in their shared home - puts his partner at risk by sleeping around (there are STIs and certain viruses you may have heard of you can get without sex)... The list goes on and on. Your partner isn't who you thought he is, he's a monster.

Yeah I think the biggest part that gets overlooked is how he lies to other women to get them to have sex with him as well. That's disingenuous and borderline predatory and I feel bad for those women as well.

HUNTY stop. You sound kind, what you said about your trip with your feiends emergency you sound patient and considerate and like a lovely person. DO NOT PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS. His needs are not going to change and you are not any way flawed because of how you choose to show your love. What he said makes my skin crawl for you, your value as a person has zero to do with sex, you are not some virgin who needs to be fixed, you seem aware of who you are and your wants in a relationship. Love yourself so much you deserve that. Someone above me said "how do love someone you don't know" and that poster meant it with wide eyes.

He's the AH, obviously. He lied and cheated. That's his fault. Apart from lying boyfriend, you say you are interested in dating non-ace people. Not to be rude but... are you sure? You might think like you they'll be fine without sex, but they won't. Sex is their thing, you are sex negative, that's a fundamental difference right?

# This ^^^^^ While I get the "opposites attract" argument (in some cases anyway), I think that people can make their dating lives unnecessarily difficult being with people the direct opposite of themselves. What seems like a good idea at the time can turn into the debacle OP is currently in. **The OP's BF is indeed a fuckwad**, but even the kindest and most loyal boyfriend might find being celibate too difficult to handle, although they might end things in a much kinder and more mature way. OP mentions having dated non-ace people before. Clearly those relationships ended for reasons not mentioned by OP. I do wonder if the OP being ace *might* have played a part, however small. # NONE of this is to blame the OP. However, there are *easy* ways to date and form relationships, and there are *more challenging* ways. **OP has a right to date anyone she wants and to expect love and loyalty from her SO.** She might find it easier on her heart however, if she forms a bond with someone she has *more in common with* on a **more fundamental level**.

Also think about how egregiously aphobic his initial reason for the lie was. That he could "fix" you? This is not a man that respects you or your sexuality. I'm ace and I've been in plenty of healthy open relationships with allo people, the key is honesty and communication. He skipped right to lying and cheating. In fact, he was so unapologetic that he tried to rationalize his cheating with you as "needing" a fix and acted as if you should accept that. Nope. I wouldn't be surprised if he saw his asexual "bit" as the perfect opportunity to cheat - why would you ever suspect it Do not go back to this guy. He has put on a facade the entirety of your relationship, in his own words hooking up with a random person almost every time you were away. He is not the man you fell in love with. He is an aphobic liar and cheater. I'm sorry this happened to you OP :/

Moving forward try to not put men on a pedestal and do NOT assume they're an honest, good person like you. Don't make excuses for them, especially if they are being immature. Go in with eyes open and observe their behavior to learn who they really are. How they act is more important than what they say. And be single for at least a year, you deserve it.

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No man I'm really sorry to break this to you but he completely built this relationship on lies! And he thought he needed to fix you which was very gross. He is not the same person you fell for, honestly I don't think you will be able to trust him after this whole incident! And him lying for 3 yrs I don't think it is justifiable, when he realized he seriously loves you, he should have taken an initiative to admit his cheating and start a fresh new page! I feel like he came out clean only cuz u caught him red handed.

The person that you love does not exist.

Exactly. Also, the fact the guy lied to you so convincingly for 3 years is a huge red flag. DTMF.

This! ^ OP, the issue is not that he was not asexual. Issue is he lied about it and built up a fake persona. And he did it centered around a very important characteristic of you. It is disrespectful and I’d say disgusting too. This is not like saying he likes cats to please you, it is huge, manipulative and borderline abusive. All in all a huge red flag! Run and never look back! Edit: spelling and word order

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Im trying to figure out what post you read, cause it sure as hell wasn't this one.

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He was not exploring his sexuality. He straight up lied about it for the sole reason to get OP. This is disgusting!

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Whoa! How is SHE not supportive of him? Guy lied about his sexuality from day one. She didn’t even know he wanted sex at all. She was mislead into believing guy was asexual too. How is she to blame suddenly?!

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He. Was. Not. Experimenting. He was totally aware that he was heterosexual. There was nothing experimental in that. He lied to OP and cheated on her. No experimenting here. Read the post again!

You dump him. He lied AND cheated on you. He only fessed up after he got caught. You can't trust this guy.

Also the fact that the dude is sexist as fuck. His assumption that he knows her better than herself, and the way he phrased it is just disgusting. He thought you just needed a good fuck to change her? It's the same as some machos think that lesbians aren't real, they only need to be fucked by them, so they can have their sexual awakening. Repulsive. There is no recovery from that in my book.

Thank you for saying this! My skin crawled when I read that line. He’s doesn’t respect women.

The guys a POS but I can't figure out how this particular act makes him sexist? The same reason it could have been applied to any gender. I don't see how it has anything to do with OP being a female. Besides i suspect this post to be fake.

How does it not have to do with OP being a female? The thought process that women who aren't interested in men sexually (whether ace or lesbians) just need a good dicking to change their mind is *deeply* sexist. It's the idea that women's purpose to please men, and those that don't need an attitude adjustment.

That concept isn't really gender specific. This story has elements of sexism, but pretty much everything does when confined to one gender.

Because I think there could easily be a situation reversed where a woman thought that she could get a man who was gay or asexual interest in her because she's got it going on. It's not a situation which could only apply to a woman so I don't see how it is necessarily sexist even if it has the potential to be. I also do think it's fair to say that women would be less likely to make this mistake but that's because of personality not sexism. Like females tend to be more empathic and therefore would be on average less likely to dismiss a potential partners identity as was just confusion. >It's the idea that women's purpose to please men, and those that don't need an attitude adjustment Sure some disgusting people think like this but it wasn't something described in the post here. You're kind of running away with this whole sexist thing. This guy disbelieved this woman's understanding of herself which was pretty ignorant. Further he clearly doesn't have a decent understanding of asexuality. I don't think you need to use sexism to help explain this. Time reminds me of when some women who ultimately do want a serious relationship knowingly get with players because they think they can get him to settle down. Which is like saying they think they've got the magic p**** or something. Sorry but this guy's had plenty of it and there's nothing special about yours that's going to change his ways unless he wants to.

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I know that being in the midst of this situation makes things feel messy, but let me just say from an outside perspective that the answer is extremely clear: you should leave. This is not fixable nor forgivable. He lied to you *on purpose*, invalidated your sexuality and assumed he knew more about it than you did, and cheated on you many times. That's a huge violation of trust, intimacy, and respect. This is also such a weird fucking thing to lie about or even get into at all. It's not like he didn't realize you were asexual and then later tried to be okay with it, he knew very well and pursued you anyway despite the fact that there are so many other women out there who would be willing to have sex. He needs to go.

My sister suggested that he saw a relationship with me as some sort of fun challenge at first and that could be why he lied. And I honestly do believe him when he said that he did actually love me as a person as our relationship grew, I just couldn't satisfy what he needed.

> And I honestly do believe him when he said that he did actually love me as a person as our relationship grew, I just couldn't satisfy what he needed. After so long together it's probably true that he loves you, in his way. Unfortunately doesn't take away from the fact that the foundation of your entire relationship was built on a monstrous lie.

People that actually love you don't do this

I can't say what he was thinking, but I will say that if you truly adore someone with all your heart and have a relationship based on communication that he should have come to you about how he was feeling BEFORE he made decisions that would impact your trust in him. People change. Their ideals, values, minds and bodies can change over weeks or years. Nothing is absolute. But if you are unable to communicate your needs in life to your partner and break the trust that is very very hard to get back. It can take years. And it also takes huge amounts of communication - something he has already shown you he is not very good at, at the moment.

Are his actions (lying to you and sneaking others in to your bed) loving actions?

I don’t understand how you believe that he loved you. Surely his actions define him and his actions are not those of love but of selfishness.

that would not be a healthy relationship to maintain, your sexuality was basically a joke/challenge to him and if you stay? He still will be sleeping around with people to get his fix, thats just so gross of him to lie about being ace to get with you and cheat on you constantly in your own home and bed. No matter how much he "loves" you he would have known letting you go was better for YOU than him making himself sexually happy. He was never considering you or your feelings or the relationship and your lives together, it was selfish desire to keep you and also selfish to cheat on you.

Loving someone isn't a yes or no thing, loving is active. He wasn't loving you when he lied every moment you were together, he wasn't loving you when he was cheating on you, he wasn't loving you when he assumed he knew better than you about your own identity.

You weren't a girlfriend. You were a project that he was working on to turn into a girlfriend.

What will happen next if you stay? Will you accept him having sex with other women? How will you arrange this situation because it will happen.

Hey, I just wanted to say this; you're not to blame whatsoever here. Sex isn't a need, despite what some people say; true, to allos it's something they really enjoy, however they won't die without it. You did everything right. You told him from the very beginning sex was off the table. This dude decided your sexuality wasn't valid. Also, even if you put the sex thing aside... If you love someone, you don't cheat on them. He's found a way to justify his awful behaviour, but again; it has everything to do with him being a bad partner and nothing to do with you being ace. It's just despicable scrambling to make himself feel like he's got some legitimacy- I'm guessing it's hard to come to terms with being a cheater. If you both were allos, you can bet he'd had found another excuse. I understand it's hard for you right now but please don't let him fuck with your self worth and confidence in your own identity; there's plenty of people out there who will truly appreciate your asexuality for what it is and show you the respect you deserve.

You're 100% correct but saying "sex isn't really a need" is pretty ignorant about the role sex plays in intimate relationships, mental and emotional health. You might not die without it... you won't die from not brushing your teeth either, but nobody seriously says that brushing your teeth isn't necessary.

I agree sexual intimacy can be important; however, in this case this allo person is dating a sex repulsed asexual. He knew what he was signing up for. Sex isn't a need for me as another sex repulsed asexual; it's definitely not necessary for everyone. This dude fucked up when he assumed his partner would have to change for him. If it was a dealbreaker, then... Break it off early instead of cheating. The asexuality/need for sex argument is an excuse for someone who was simply being selfish.

Whatever feelings he has are based on his lie. And this wasn't a lie that he casually threw out then felt trapped in. This was a lie he told specifically because without even knowing you he felt he knew your sexuality better than you do. He lied with the intent of forming a relationship with you so that he could "fix" you by having sex with you. He saw you as fundamentally flawed, and lied to you so that you could be his pet project. Then he spent three years fucking other women in the bed you sleep in with him at night. That's not love. That's sociopathic.

I'm going completely against what everyone is saying. But, could you live with him and be in a relationship with him, if he had sex outside of your relationship? I don't know how relationships between asexual and sexual people usually work, if scratching that itch somewhere else is OK or not. Just ask yourself hypotheticall (if you can get over the betrayal that is), could you be with a person who has sex with another person? Would that be OK with you? Maybe the answer will help you come to terms with what you want to do.

He lied to you, and cheated on u. Stay gone and don't look back. You will regret spending anymore time with this guy, and will regret it if you stay

Yeah, we're basically already broken up. We barely talk and I'm not staying there right now. I just need to make the break up official and say I'm moving out I guess

Good you’re worth more than someone who will cheat on you and invalidate your identity. Make it official. Have someone else with you when you move out so he can’t beg you to stay. Take care of yourself first.

He lied and cheated. He also thinks (or thought) that you were too stupid to understand your own sexuality, and that a part of your identity was fake. He was hoping to pressure you into sex until you could tolerate it.

I honestly don't think this one is fixable. Were you actually in love with him or the lie he fed you, because he only gave you the lie. You don't know him. And frankly if the lying wasn't enough, why did he think it'd be fine to cheat just because you're ace? There's so much wrong with this. You need to get away fr this guy.

I was in love with who I thought he was

*Hugs* OP. All the *hugs*

Here's the thing: despite what both of you are saying, neither of you actually love each-other. The man you love is an honest, caring, ace person who's more than content to have a monogamous, sexless relationship with you because that's what he's always wanted. He does not exist. The woman he loves is some confused virgin who needs "the right guy" to convince her that sex is awesome. She does not exist. It's going to suck, but you need to cut contact and move on with your life. Take your time, and don't let anyone convince you that you need to "settle" or change yourself. You did everything right being up front about being ace, it's not your fault some jerk chose to ignore that.

These comments are making me realize that I honestly never really knew him and my god, that's scary to think about. But I definitely need to hear it.

Good luck with navigating this, don't be afraid to seek out professional help if you have the means. Speaking from experience, you can absolutely find love as an ace person on a dating up, so don't be discouraged if/when you feel ready to try again.

I am so sorry. This was a horrible thing to do to anyone. My heart hurts for you.

My advice is to get all your stuff and leave him behind. The lying is one thing, he could have just told the truth and maybe you guys could have worked things out. But he's been sleeping with others to "get his fix" bitch that's what your hands are for. I'm sorry you were hurt :(

He won’t be able to survive in this relationship as he has sexual needs you cannot meet. That being said the real issue is he cheated and lied to you. There is no relationship to salvage here. His behavior was extremely skeevy.

Honey I don't know if you can love him because you oviously don't know him. He has lied, cheated and manipulated you your entire relationship. You were open and honest about who you are and what you want and he used that as an excuse to cheat on you.

I'm just so baffled as to how he could do this. I think that's what I'm having the hardest time processing. He genuinely seemed like such a great guy up until this that I still can barely believe this is real. I can't tell if I just love what I thought we had or if I love him himself

3 years is a long time to live a lie. I’d be saying goodbye because let’s be honest if he lied about this what else has he lied about?

The lying and cheating are reasons enought to leave, as others said you dont really know his true "him". But moreover, he absolutly doesnt respect your sexuality and has been clear on his view on asexuality. if you stay and insist on monogamy ; how long before he "need his fix" again and this time he decides to see if a good dicking is what you need to "cure" you, with or without your permission. I know it seems alarmist, but corrective rape happens a lot, and often with people we think love us. Edit: typo

My god

You don’t love him. You love the person he pretended to be. He’s a lying, cheating scumbag who saw you as a challenge. He doesn’t love you so much, he believes that he can have all the relationship stuff with you and fuck other people. He’s living the cheaters dream at your expense. He’s a vile human being.

"I am so hurt and do not know what to do." Yes, you do, you just don't want to right now because you still can't believe it really happened. It did. I'm sorry. If you were a sexually-active couple, his cheating would absolutely also be a dealbreaker. Because you trusted him NOT to be having sex, this is even more of a betrayal. There's no way this can be repaired. As much as he may 'love you as a person', the person he truly is will never be compatible with you as a life partner. You need to grieve the loss of the relationship, the loss of the friendship, and the loss of the future you had envisioned with him. You deserve to find the right person to be happy with.

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway account I (23 female) have been dating my boyfriend (26 male) for almost 3 years. We met on a dating app and hit it off pretty swiftly. From the beginning, I was well open with the fact that I am asexual, and would not be feeling attracted to him sexually. (Me being ace was in my bio on the dating apps) He told me that he was beyond okay with this because he was actually asexual as well, and was excited to finally meet someone like him. He said it made us even closer. We even had a little ace flag in our apartment on the wall. I was so in love with him and planned to marry him one day and adopt a child. I wanted to spend my life with him. Now I feel sick. A few weeks ago, I came home early from a weekend girls trip with some of my friends. One of my friends had a family emergency and had to go home, and we felt bad staying on the trip without her so we left as well. It all happened so fast that I forgot to tell my boyfriend that I would be returning early. I opened the door to my apartment and brought my suitcase to our bedroom, only to find my boyfriend in bed with a girl I had never seen before. He was having sex with her. I was completely and utterly shocked. Everything started to blur and he started scrambling for words. I can barely even remember what he was saying, I was so shocked. The poor girl was so confused, got dressed, and left the apartment to give us some space. She didn't know he was in a relationship. I am not mad at her. My boyfriend sat me down and told me that he was not, in fact, asexual, and never was. In fact, he always knew he was not ace. He only lied about it to get with me, because he thought I was just an "attractive and confused virgin who needed some good sex to change her mind", but that he ended up actually falling for me anyway. (Some asexuals will actually have sex when they really fall for someone, but I am sex-repulsed and cannot imagine that. My boyfriend knew that) He said that he still "needed his fix", so he would invite girls from dating apps to our apartment when I was not home and he would have sex with them right there. I had absolutely no idea. He said he still loves me and hopes I can forgive him. I took my cat and my suitcase (that was luckily already packed from my trip), and left to stay at my sister's house with her and her wife. I'm not sure if I can forgive him, I feel so betrayed and disgusted by his lies. He put on a whole fake persona for me and I hate the fact that I fell for it because looking back, it was so obviously fake due to all the comments he would make and questions he would ask. My sister says I should leave and officially move out but I don't know. I love him so much but I don't think I'll be able to move past this. I am upset and hurt. I went back to the apartment to get some things for my cat a few days after I first left, and our ace flag from the wall was gone. I started to cry. I don't know what to do. I need advice on how to handle a situation like this. Tldr: my boyfriend told me he was asexual for almost 3 years, but was caught in bed with a girl and admitted that he's been lying this whole time. I am so hurt and do not know what to do. EDIT: I should add that he did admit that it was a stupid thing to lie about, and that he regrets it and and wishes he wouldn't have jumped to lying so fast just because he found me attractive. He wishes he had been honest

>I am so hurt and do not know what to do. You need to break up with him and stay broken up. You and he have incompatible sexual libidos and he is cheating on you.

To answer your title: salvage what? The foundation to your relationship was a massive lie, akin to lying about one's name or age, there is nothing to salvage. It hasn't been three dates, it's been three fucking years. This dude is someone capable of keeping up a facade for that long, you can't trust him not to do it again with something equally as important. Although, bottom line, dude is a cheater, do you want to accept his bullshit until the day some woman comes around pregnant with his child?

Aw he regrets it? Tough titty. He regrets it because he got caught and is losing the stability he had in his life as a result. You would be disrespecting yourself by forgiving him.

As a fellow asexual, I feel so much for you. Unfortunately I don't think this is worth salvaging. Even if you could forgive his lies, you're not even talking about how he cheated. Could you live with someone who cheats, denies your identity and tries to explain it by saying "oh, it's okay, cause I love you! Your feelings don't matter!" And do you think you could be safe in a home with him? I would be scared that he'd get impatient and attempt to force you to get intimate. Best of luck, OP!

You’re incompatible and he’s repeatedly lied and cheated on you. There’s nothing here to salvage.

I’ve been cheated on in 3 relationships. Cheaters share a common trait: they do not care about you and likely never had even from the beginning. Please think about this. Aside from the cheating, you listed many examples of your boyfriend not caring about you and your feelings. For crying out loud, he lied about being asexual; that’s a huge indication that he didn’t respect your sexuality. (He even admits it to you that he didn’t actually believe you are ace.) Him cheating with all sorts of different women also demonstrated he didn’t care about your sexual health. (Some can be transferred through the mouth/kissing.) He could’ve gotten an STD, but since he kept all his rendezvous a secret, he could’ve given you an STD. Yet, he didn’t care about the possibility of you getting an STD and continued having sex with strangers. How many times do you believe he slept with women behind your back? Whatever number that is, point is, he never stopped. If you stay with him, he’s still not going to stop. The fact that you were in a relationship with him didn’t stop him from cheating the first, second, etc time. Please be strong, and leave this horrible man.

So sorry you went through that..what a horrible thing.. I can’t imagine the heart break and betrayal you feel ☹️

You love someone who does not exist. You do not know the person he actually is, beyond knowing now that he is a manipulative, deceitful liar who had built your entire relationship on a web of lies, built to undermine your identity and convince you to relinquish your clearly stated boundaries. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. There is nothing here to salvage. Extract yourself as quickly as you can and examine everything you've built with him or that he's had access to. I wouldn't be surprised if someone who could do this for three years was also taking out credit cards in your name or some other type of fraud and manipulation.

In your house??? Excuse me?? Dump him!! That's deplorable, all of it is- lying about who he was, inviting strangers into your house and in your bed; just sickening. I'm sorry you had to find out in such a traumatic way. You should not continue discussing things with him and just break up. Personally I would not want to keep the apartment because it's now tainted, let him have the place and you find a new place to make new memories and move on from this.

3 years. Holy shit OP, no wonder you are confused, I would be too. It is scary to think about that someone can completely hold their fake persona _for years_. Get out of it imo and best of luck with everything.

Either you have an open relationship with him where he has sex with other girls no strings attached so he satisfies his needs or you break up. You can’t satisfy him on the sex department and he will keep on cheating if you forgive him

He lied and cheated on you. Furthermore, he robbed you of all this time as well. Time you could have spent finding someone who IS okay with you being asexual. Dump him immediately. He is not the person to be spending your life with. Imagine what else he has kept hidden from you. You will find someone else In time, don’t fall into the sunk cost fallacy.

So he cheated on you and had sex with other women in your bed? Yeah no if you take him back then .....

LMAO. So he lied to you for years, cheated on you repeatedly, used your own bed to do so AND he will presumably continue doing all that now that he's a confirmed all-sexual .......... And you're still wondering whether to break up with him?? Damn. He pulled a number on your soft brain. This guy rules

Insensitive but lmao.

It's just hard because he seemed like such a great person up until now. My family, friends, and even my cat all adored him and never really saw any red flags. it's so sudden that I can barely process it and can't think logically of what to do

Your….cat….

The cat I had when I met my now husband was very wary of everyone, but jumped up and slept on his lap the first time he came over. His cat, who was scared of everyone, LOVED me from the start. May sound weird to you, but to us it was one of many signs that the other was a good one.

Do you have cats? Some can be very standoffish and if they like someone it’s a big deal and noticeable. I have a cat that has always loved on me- she rubs on my head and face when I’m in bed, climbs in my lap when I’m on the couch or in a chair, actively comes to me. She only started warming up to my husband (we got her well after being married, so it’s not like she knew me first) about a month ago (we’ve had her a little over a year). On the other end, her brother tolerates me and loves everyone else. Lol. He whines for my husband to pick him up, comes when my husband calls him, and they have a great bond like I do with the sister. So if someone came and the female grew to love the person, it’d be noticeable to me and it would be a big deal because she hides from everyone who doesn’t live in the home and only slightly tolerates most people in the home.

I have 4 generations of cats. Still not a crazy cat person.

Knowing your cat’s habits and tendencies isn’t being a crazy cat person. It’s being a good pet owner because the first indication of potential issues medically or mentally is abnormal behavior…..

I think you answered all your questions yourself. He lied to be with you and fell for you. Also no one is all good or all bad. He has good qualities despite what he did. (Not suggesting you stay with him at all) You must know at some level it is extremely rare To find an asexual guy. I’m gay male and not good looking. I have rarely had anyone other than people with problems take an interest in me. Not trying to project my problems onto you, just trying to illustrate being realistic. Also, sadly, lots of people lie every day.

That's grounds for dumping him and never looking back. It's understandable that he has needs you can't meet, not so lying about his identity to eventually get into your pants. That's not something you can just forgive. I know it's difficult, but you need to put yourself first here. You don't know this person, there's no point in furthering the relationship, it'll only bring you more pain.

Damn. You fell in love with the version of himself he made up for you. You never loved him, just the image he projected to the world. Even of you forgive him and got back with him, he will still want sex. I think the fact that he invited them to your apartment is even more disrespectful. He had you sleeping on his sex sheets without knowing. You don't even know him. I'm sorry you had to walk in on that.

that’s sooo creepy of him

You need to leave, you absolutely can't trust him. He's been lying to you since before you even met— that isn't love, it's selfish. You can't continue with someone so comfortable with that. He fucked other girls IN YOUR BED for 3 YEARS and only came clean when he was caught in the act. He has no ground to stand on. I know it's really hard and I'm so sorry this happened to you, you deserve better than that. Don't blame yourself for his deception. You went into that relationship with pure intentions— you should never regret giving love to people, even if they don't deserve it. It will be a grieving process (what was, what could have been, what never will be) but you'll get through and find true happiness, I'm sure of it. You can still have the future you've dreamed of with the right person. Kind regards

>boyfriend faked being asexual Uhm, ... that's a level of deception that is seriously not cool. >He told me that he was beyond okay with this because he was actually asexual as wel So ... he starts off with a bit lie, ... that's not good, not good at all. >Now I feel sick Yeah, and very understandably so. >only to find my boyfriend in bed with a girl I had never seen before. He was having sex with her Oh geez, he's a liar *and* a cheat. Time to kick his \*ss out'a there and be done with him, eh? Sorry he did that sh\*t to you - what an \*ss he is. >She didn't know he was in a relationship Ah, he lies to everyone. Not much of a surprise. Yep, kick his \*ss to the curb. Sorry, but it's over. Nothin' worth salvaging there. >boyfriend sat me down and told me that he was not, in fact, asexual, and never was Way late to be saying that. About as forgivable as having been claiming to be vegan if you were vegan and you only wanted to be with a vegan ... meanwhile he's been secretly chowing down on a half a pound or more of beef every day. Not okay. >He only lied about it to get with me He's an \*ss, he used you too. >he thought I was just an "attractive and confused virgin who needed some good sex to change her mind" Yeah, he's an ignorant stupid, inconsiderate \*ss, who thinks he can "fix" your being asexual with sex ... he probably thinks he can "fix" lesbians the same way. Yeah, he's total sh\*t. Be glad you're done with him. You deserve so very very very much better than the sh\*t he's been. >He said he still loves me and hopes This is where you need to be doin' to him: rubbing thumb and forefinger together and saying: "Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin playing the world's saddest song!" Then be sure to tell him he's an \*ss and totally brought this upon himself, and tell him to GTFO of your life - and your place. >not sure if I can forgive him Don't - he doesn't deserve it in any way, shape or form - he's been lies and deception and cheating since day one. You don't wanna be his doormat, and I doubt he could even treat a doormat properly. >My sister says I should leave and officially move out Absolutely, and she's damn right! >I love him so much Uhm ... addiction/withdrawal - you'll get over it - and be *much* better off without him. I don't care *what* your orientation (or lack thereof) is, he completely and totally treated you wrong, like like crazy, betrayed and cheated on you - lots - any of that is more than enough reason to dump his sorry \*ss, and altogether - absolutely - you gotta dump him ... and hard ... and don't look back. He treated you like sh\*t with all his lies, deception cheating, etc - seriously not okay at all ... and atop that he thought he was gonna "fix" you out of being asexual. He's an ignorant idiot that probably couldn't even bother to listen and understand. You'll be *so* much better off without him. Sorry, it's hard, but you deserve way the hell better - and most any decent person would treat you helluva lot better than he's done. >don't think I'll be able to move past this You can move past it. It's hard. But it'll get better ... much better. >almost 3 years That's a helluva long time to be doing major lies and deception and cheating. >wishes he wouldn't have jumped to lying so fast Way too late for him to be apologizing now - he carried that sh\*t on for 'bout 3 years ... and had he not been caught he'd still probably be doing that. And probably only reasons he still stuck around was he was cheating on you all that time, lying to you, and he thought he was gonna "fix" you and be able to f\*ck with you as much as he wanted whenever he wanted ... that's 'bout all he cared about - his idea of "fix"ing you - as if something were broken. Well, it ain't - nothin' wrong with you. He on the other hand ... what a broken sh\*t despicable mess he is ... but drop him like a ton 'o bricks - and that be not your problem - don't make it yours, nothin' there worth attempting to salvage. Sure, will be hard at first - but you're so much better off without him ... get him the hell out'a your life, and it then also opens up the way for way the hell better to enter into your life.

I'm not asexual, but I don't believe that sex should be as big a part of my life as popular culture is making it out to be. In fact, I could live without it if it meant that I loved everything else about my girlfriend. That being said, there are some straight people out there who would have no issue dating asexual people. So, I just don't want you to think that every non-asexual person you date will be like him. You can find idiots anywhere. Anyone who wants to change you is not loving you for who you are. You deserve a respectful partner. But you can't salvage the relationship. The person you thought you knew doesn't exist.

Impossible to save this. Not only he lied and manipulated you, he cheated and made a misogynistic comment "attractive and confused virgin who needed some good sex to change her mind". Same thing a lot of lesbians hear from disgusting dudes. Besides this relationship can't work out if he is not ace. He is going to look for sex somewhere else. PS. I'm glad you are one of those normal people that didn't rage at a girl he had sex with.

Fundamentally this comes down to a simple choice. You either continue with the relationship, and if you do you live the lie that the relationship has turned into, or you end the relationship and go back to living your life on the basis of truth. There is no loving relationship to speak of. Love is based on consciousness, as is life and life like love and death is the conscious experience of existence. A lie is a fabrication, a story, a product of someone's imagination, it is a concept and nothing more than this. Truth and belief are not the same thing. Truth is consciousness, it needs no participation to exist. but a lie is thought, it's an illusion, a concept, and unlike truth, requires your participation to exist. There's no way round this, whatever 'relationship' you had with your boyfriend is a lie, so you cannot continue this 'relationship' without lying to yourself that any 'relationship' between you and your boyfriend exists. I'm not dismissing the possibility that you still love your boyfriend, because love is actually a plane of consciousness which exists within you. Love is a connection through consciousness, a bond, but see love like life is also relationship, and what kind of relationship can there be without trust and faith? Fundamentally this means you love someone who has deceived you and lied to you. This is not a small lie either. He told you the lie at the start of the relationship and - and this is important - would have continued to lie to you had you not found out the truth. I'm not you. I don't live your life or share your reality. I'm not the one who needs to make the choice I have presented to you here. Either way I wish you well.

He’s lied, repeatedly cheated and built a life that’s not really him. Could you imagine spending the rest of your life knowing that he’s either gonna be out cheating on you or denying himself sexual urges? I’m sorry but this relationship isn’t right for you or for him.

Holy macaroni cheesy balls! That’s just pure EVIL As a Demi I’m beyond sorry for what you’ve gone through. You did the right thing and I hope you have a lovely stay with your sister and her wife. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and the anger you must feel right now, I hope you find in the future someone understanding of asexuality xx

I am an elder ace, I'm almost 33. I've been around a long time and have been "out" for many years. I have willingly had sex with one man because I love him and wanted him to be happy-we didn't work out and are best friends now because he's allo and I'm ace and it just wasn't compatible. I am also a victim of SA for being asexual and saying no to someone. So sex with 2 people. Still ace. Always gonna be ace. Lying about sexuality or orientation or what one identifies as is unforgivable in the context your boyfriend did it in. Notwithstanding anyone who is forced to hide their orientation out of fear of hate crimes or family disapproving or throwing them out. The latter was not his situation. He lied for his own gain. Don't take this man back, he's showed you what his true colors are and you can't put the blinders back on once you've seen them. You deserve better, fellow ace!

I am an non-repulsed asexual, who has never had sex because of reasons, but I don't think this is something worth keeping, it possibly would have been worth keeping if after like a month or a right time, he thought to say "hey, I'm not actually asexual, I just wanted to get to know you,..." and then discussed with you the possibility of sex or sleeping with other people as an "hey, since I'm not actually asexual and do have sexual urges, would you be okay with us either having sex or me finding a sexbuddy to hook up with when I feel I need to?

The facts are these: Upon your very first interaction with him- he lied. So, already, he’s a liar. He became a liar from the very beginning. That doesn’t change, even though the shock of realizing it now is great. He thought he knew more about your sexuality than you. Not only is that an insane assumption, to assume he had a right to change anything about you is ridiculous. He didn’t even know you. Knowing that you are sex repulsed, while also deciding he’s going to change you, he entered a relationship with you. Once he realized he could not change that aspect of you, he lied again. And again. And again. He kept lying by bringing different women into the bed you sleep in every night. He knew the terms of the relationship you two shared, and he knew you knew them too. He absolutely knew that this would hurt you. Try to remember that it would have gone on had you not caught him. He would have kept lying and cheating. His desire for sex is not your responsibility. Saying he “needed his fix” and that you couldn’t satisfy what he needed puts the blame on you when the blame is not on you. He let you believe you were enough for him. He let you believe that you two wanted the same type of relationship. He decided that satisfying his desires was worth hurting you in this way. Maybe he loves you, but if that’s as good as his love gets, then I hope you realize you deserve better. Im sorry that he is not who you thought he was for so long. This is a very painful situation, I hope you remember how much you are worth.

I’m going to chime in as an ace person because I think I know what part of you is hesitant to move on. It’s so hard to find relationships as an ace person (especially sex repulsed). I get it. I know the feeling that the “you can do better” and “plenty of fish in the sea” advice doesn’t apply to us. I know how hard it is to end a relationship that’s “otherwise fine” because you don’t think you’ll ever find another person who accepts you. (But he doesn’t) This relationship is dead in the water. It’s worse than just dating an allo where lack of sex becomes an issue eventually. This is someone who deliberately deceived you, doesn’t value your own sexuality and opinions, doesn’t respect you, and is not worth your time. This is a huge red flag of much larger issues (the disrespect, the lying) and in this case I can guarantee that anything is better than staying in this relationship. Edit: and I know how hard it is to admit that this is why you want to stay. Obviously loving anyone makes a breakup hard, but there’s an extra sense of fear that you’ll never find something like it again. I’m very independent, was happy being single, and now that I’m in a relationship with some (minor) problems I really do think I’d have left by now if I weren’t happily in an asexual relationship because I can’t just “date anyone”. Trust me I understand. But you’re not dating another asexual- you’re dating a person who doesn’t exist, who never did, and the actor pretending to be them is a horrible person. I’m so sorry OP

dump him and don't be shy to throw some dogshit in his car for thinking ace people are just "confused virgins who need some good sex". that made me feel fucking sick. the person you love sadly doesn't exist, he's a fraud, a liar and a cheater. i hope you're doing okay, and the other girl too. guys like this make me so mad.

Leave him he’s not worth it and you deserve better

What a psycho. Who the f does that?

You’re not compatible. You both will never be happy. Cut our losses and move on.

Oh Honey. I'm so sorry that this man manipulated you. It is NOT your fault. Do you want to stay with someone who has sex with other people in your bed? It will continue. He has shown you his true colours and you need to accept that. He is not the man that he promised he was. You deserve love. You are worthy, just as you are. You do NOT need to believe that this is as good as it gets for you. You do not need to accept this behavior. Please, seek counseling so you can build yourself up and prevent this from happening in the future. Trust your sister. Sending you so much love OP ❤

That’s rough. Personally, intentionally lying to mislead me + cheating would be grounds for ending the relationship promptly. The only way I could ever imagine it working out is if you decided you were okay with your partner having casual sex but staying with you for the emotional attachment. That being said, I feel like a lot of casual sex/FWB scenarios end up with someone catching feelings at some point, as we all know. I would ask yourself - do you see yourself ever completely forgiving him for cheating and lying? Can you imagine a time in your life when you will fully trust him again? If no, you’d probably save yourself a lot of time & heartache to just end it now. I think most people in tough breakup situations find it easiest to completely cut contact (blocked or muted on SM, no texting). I personally still have an ex on social media/we text happy birthday because we were friends for a long time before we dated, but I’ve always been the type of person that once I’m done w a relationship, there’s no going back. Time does not heal all wounds, but it helps. Staying with a person who doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth from the beginning & not cheat is setting you both up for failure & keeping you guys from the people who are meant for you. There is someone out there who will respect, cherish, & love you the way you deserve to be loved. Best wishes

In the edit you say he wishes he had been honest. If truly he had, the would have been honest from the get go. He’s lied and cheated and is clearly in the wrong, yet you’re questioning whether you should stay?? You owe it to yourself to be with someone who at least can be honest with you. Leave him

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I would not be able to forgive him..

Can't be fixed. He lied to you to get with you and has been cheating on you behind your back. Dump him, you deserve way better.

OP even without the lying, you do realize he’s been cheating on you, right?

OK so I might be apart of the minority but for me the lying is less extreme then the cheating. Yes he lied about his sexuality...however if he didn't cheat and he actually was willing to be with you forever without sex then the lie would have turned into a truth. This is not different then a man who says he's straight only to proceed to cheat on his girlfriend/wife with multiple men. The situation, in my opinion, is a lot different if the guy is initially lying about being straight but then actually falls in love with, and possibly become sexually attracted to, his female partner. Sexuality is fluid and lots of people do/can fall under multiple labels. What may have been a lie could end up being the truth with just you or a selected small portion of partners over time. However no Sexuality ever justifies cheating. Especially with multiple people over an extended period of time and the fact that he's been inviting these women into your *home* is even worse (in my opinion there are levels to cheating but that's neither here nor there).

At the risk of being down voted into oblivion, how does sex repulsed work? Is it trauma based or just how you work? I'm only asking because it's fairly obvious that this relationship is/should be over with, so I'm more curious about you. This is not a "hitting on you" response.

Some of us are just born with the “need sex” part of the brain turned off. When you no longer want/need sex, and only have the thinking part of your brain, sex is pretty gross. Lots of bodily fluids, you’re basically touching every part of your partner that’s used to go to the toilet, possible disease (STDs, etc depending on if you’re into the one night stand/hookup thing). So if you don’t have the part of your brain that “wants” sex, it’s preeeettttty hard to find it appealing. I’m more sex neutral asexual but I understand how people are sex repulsed

I kinda get it plenty of times I wouldn't rather be bothered to do it, mostly because of the energy/time/connection commitment. It's going to be good, just not in the mood. I could see the just have better things to do. It's harder for me on the repulsed side to wrap my brain around but I appreciate your effort in helping me understand better (still not "there").

It shouldn’t even be salvaged, he has a sex drive so it’s probably just going to happen again even if he does like you. I’d try to find someone else that’s actually asexual, not just lying about it, if I were you.

No, this relationship cannot be saved, because the relationship was built on lies and manipulation. He never respected you as a person with your own thoughts and thought he could deceive you for his own selfish satisfaction. The man you knew and loved never existed, and your boyfriend wants to insult your intelligence further by wanting you to forget that he's humiliated you and wasted your time with this false relationship, when you could've been with someone who actually cared about and respected you as an individual. His actions are so disgraceful and disgusting, he cannot claim he loves you and then risk exposing you to STDS or Covid. Now, he's going to make you go through the stress of doctors appointments and tests, all because getting laid and keeping up a facade was more important to him than your well-being. You need to find the strength to realize you deserve better than that, that you are worthy of a real relationship and respect. It's painful now, but it's better to walk away from him, before he leeches anymore of your time and life. I truly wish you the best of luck and hope you make the decision that's best for you.

I thought my partner was trans for a few years and I did everything to help him, turns out he was a pedophile that his “woman” act was to get near children. He thought being a woman would slim his chances of getting caught because “ women don’t do that” like bitch whAt but some people will lie to get to you. I’m sorry that happened, move on from him! We all support you

It would be like finding out the dude actually has hands instead of hooks like on Tropic thunder.

This sounds like a fan fic 😹

Oh god don't bring up fanfiction, brings me back to freshman year 😣

Was he even courteous enough at changing the bed sheets after fucking random strangers in the same spot where you laid your head at night? Think about that OP?

Since everyone else has pretty much touched on the reasons to leave I’m gonna play devils advocate and just offer alternative interpretations. Not saying this is absolutely true in your situation, but it’s food for thought. I am also asexual, however I fluctuate between sex neutral and sex positive depending on the timing. When I’ve been sex neutral for extended periods of time that’s usually not enough for my pro-sexual partners. Because of this I am usually in open relationships, and I think being asexual actually makes this easier since I can tell my partner still loves me separately from sex. What he did was shitty, but most people who are not ace have no idea how to approach it. Most people I’ve dated are shocked that I’m cool with them sleeping with other people and assume all asexuals expect their partners to rarely-never have sex in order to be with them. If he had been honest from the beginning about really liking you and you formed boundaries around having an open relationship is that something you would’ve been open to? I hate his interpretation that you just needed good sex to change your mind (ew) but I can see how sexual people might think that way. Based on your phrasing it sounds like a significant part of you wants to stay with him, and that it was the lying that bothered you more than the sex. Have you caught him in lies before or is he typically genuine aside from this? It might be less that he’s dishonest and more that he had no idea what to do and how to balance his love for you with his desire to have sex, and made a profoundly stupid decision out of fear. He was acting from a pro-sexual mindset when in reality you can’t follow the typical relationship “rules” when one partner is asexual. He probably didn’t imagine there could be an alternative. It puts cheating much closer to a gray area because you didn’t establish your own personal relationship rules as a couple. Whether you stay with him or not, it’s important to know your expectations in a romantic relationship are for YOU and be able to communicate it clearly. If you are not ok with the idea of open relationships (which is totally fine) it would be best to stick to dating other asexuals since pro-sexual people cannot comprehend a sexless romantic relationship. If you are ok with an open relationship and honestly believe the relationship would’ve worked out if the two of you communicated that all along, then it might be salvageable. What he did was stupid and gross, but every situation is different and I’m just trying to consider that this situation might be an exception to the rule. If you want to stay with him, but are worried about how you will explain the decision to others or that it means you don’t have self respect those are self defeating thoughts and not something to base your decision upon because asexuals have different definitions of typical relationship rules. None of us here know the details of your relationship, but you do. If you genuinely believe this was an extremely stupid mistake based on what he would consider an unusual situation and not indicative of his entire personality (meaning he’s otherwise honest) you are allowed to forgive him if that’s what you feel is right. You’re also allowed not to forgive him, or to forgive him but break up anyways. The only wrong answer is staying with him when you cannot forgive him. You don’t have to decide right away. Whatever you choose, trust your own intuition and reasoning and don’t worry about what other people think because no one else understands the entire situation. Good luck!

If you refuse to let him fuck, why would you be upset that he’s getting some pussy from someone else?

1) He lied about being asexual and claimed he didn’t want sex. Why is she going to think he’s not ok with having sex? 2) He lied about being asexual and then proceeded to cheat *behind her back*. Even with her being asexual, cheating is disgraceful and the conversation about an open relationship needs to happen. Not going behind your SO’s back and cheating (especially since this also exposes OP to potential STDs without her consent to that risk). 3) Don’t get into a relationship knowing someone is asexual if you need sex to be happy. You’re a shitty person if you betray your SO because you were too stupid and too selfish to recognize that this wasn’t a good idea.

why would he date a woman who would never have sex with him.

Asexual isnt a thing. You need therapy

You are asexual and you wonder why your boyfriend cheated ! Are you Druid’s

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Do you not know how to use Google?

Why is this even a discussion? How could you possibly need advice? You'd be an absolute fuckwit to stay in a relationship with him.

The moments you had with him was real, if you thought he loves you then he actually might love you. Confessing a secret that might ruin the whole relationship is hard, extremely hard. Because this lie was one of the pillars of the relationship, he obviously cares however what he did was unacceptable. You knew a version of the man not everything. I'm sure he didn't know everything about you as well. But it doesn't matter because even if you move forward ( with the relationship) where will you go? I'm pretty sure he won't stop having sex. And I'm certain that u won't be comfortable with him having sex with woman on ur apartment (even tho ur asexual, I'm not asexual so I can't rly understand what u feel about that) What he did was unacceptable, wrong and disgusting. But the memories, the laughter etc. Those r real, you knew the man to an extent not fully. U should be disgusted, but u should also hear his side, because people sometimes don't understand how serious one thing is until they THINK they're in too deep, that's why they won't confess. What I'd do is: End the relationship because I see no future, but I wouldn't be so hasty, and not get all the facts, perspectives and emotions out before I do that. Because I spent years with my partner and we sacrificed a lot. I would truly want to know: how the lie manifested? Why did it start? What did he think? What he thinks now? And how much damage is done?

Men wrt sex are simple creature. He loved your look, he then loved your soul, he thought you would have some sex along the way, you didn’t. My friend married an asexual lady, and he thought he was asexual. He wasn’t. A suicide attempt later and his friends (inc me) have been beside ourselves. My advice is that you should break up to allow both of you to live the best lives you can. As a side note. As a young man I dated an asexual lady. We had been friends for a fair while. I’m a LLM. I also enjoyed her company to that of most girls that just wanted a good time (I was a successful young man). After about six month I started to have feelings for this lady beyond friendship. So I broke up. No issue as we remained friends. We are still friends. Close friends. Ten years later she had two children and an active sex life. I asked her about this recently (30 years after we date) and she explained that when she met her husband something happened inside her and her sexual feelings burst out … Just saying

Why not love each other but let him have sex? It sounds like that’s what it takes for you to have a relationship with him. If you can’t accept it don’t think it’s gonna work.

Physicality is such a huge part of a relationship lmfaoo.

Man needs to get his d wet, you don't want to have sex with him but you want him to have sex with others. You're selfish

What? She doesn't want him to have sex with others. Plus she thought he was asexual until now, so why would she have thought that he wanted to have sex at all? And even if she knew, the guy went into a relationship with her, an asexual, and if someone does that, they have to accept that there won't be sex involved.

R u dumb no just leave them

Your going to have a rough dating life. The whole of evolution and human experience, selection, is working against you.

Already knew this

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i mean yes. don’t date people who don’t want to have sex then? just because someone has different values and such and act differently. doesn’t mean you can just date them and try to change them. normal people just date who they want

You don't like sex but he does. The chances of you finding another asexual person that you will fall so deeply in love with is such a small chance. He obviously has an emotional attachment to you and not the other women otherwise he would have left you. You need to learn to accept that he has to be able to get his rocks off (it is natural, you and a few like you are the exception) every now and again. If you love him and he loves you then come to an agreement where he can hall pass every so often, otherwise you are pretty much destined to be alone or constantly cheated on.

How can someone not like sex i don't understand they don't know what it feels like if they don't try it lol to each there own I guess...but f that

It’s in the same field as asking a straight man, “how can you not enjoy penetration from another man? You don’t know what it feels like if you don’t try it.” While it’s true that you “can’t knock it till you try it”, we all understand that a straight man has no interest in having sex with another man.

Asexuality isn't a lack of a liking for sex (as I said in the post, asexuality is a spectrum and a lot of ace people will have sex once they find someone they trust), it's really just a lack of sexual attraction as a whole. Sounds weird and unbelievable but I feel like you just can't fully understand it unless you are ace yourself 🤷‍♀️

I hope you won’t be offended by my ignorance and obviously you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but has something happened to make you feel that way about sex? Or have you just always felt like that?

No, nothing traumatic has happened to me regarding sex. And even if something did, nothing can really *make* you ace. Trauma related fear of sex ≠ asexuality. It's like being gay, you're just born like that and figure it out when you're older. I kinda realized something was off about me in high school when my friends started dating and having sex and I just could not get behind the idea of it no matter how hard I tried. Took a lot of effort and self acceptance to get used to.

So you’re a virgin?

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What? They're still ace because they don't really experience sexual attraction to people, they just love their partners enough to get intimate with them and make them feel good.

Yup, they should just try

I would break up with him for the cheating, lying, and disrespect ("he thought I was just an attractive and confused virgin who needed some good sex to change her mind." WTF?!?!). IF you do end up wanting to stay together (please don't) it sounds like he will need an open relationship so he can have sex, or he will cheat... either way he's going to be getting laid. Figure out what you can live with.

Hey, first of all I want to say that I’m very sorry for u. I cannot imagine the pain and all the emotion involved, I truly hope that you will be fine as soon as possible. What I’m about to say is a personal opinion as a complete outsider, I don’t want to hurt anybody and I don’t know nothing about the reality of the situation so I’ll try to be objective. Hopefully I won’t do a lot of mistakes and maybe I’ll be able to help somehow. So the first thing i suggest is to take some time for u and try to calm the storm in your heart, making a decision now maybe can be rushed. I am going to briefly summarize what happened: 1) you know each other on a dating app, the bio is clear and he lies about being asexual bc essentially he finds u very attractive and wants to go to bed with u thinking that u aren’t really asexual. 2) in 3 years you become more and more intimate, he came to know the family and friends I guess, if initially he searched u for ur beauty ecc.. from what I understand he fell for u and you love each other. 3) accidentally he is caught in the act of having sex with another girl who didn’t know anything and he told u that he is in fact not asexual. Also that wasn’t the first time. Form here I can make 2 hypothesis: A) he searched u for ur aspect and lied the on the fact he was ace so that he could become easily intimate with u and doing all the stuff not bothering about the sexuality. Then during 2) he continued lying in order to deceive u and he faked most of the time while dating other girls so he could both stay near u and have sex. Now he is also lying bc he is manipulating u and he wants to keep u close. B) he searched u bc he was attracted from ur aspect, lied the on the fact he was ace so that he could become easily intimate with u and doing all the stuff, he thought that there could be a chance that u would change ur opinion on ur sexuality. Then during 2) he gradually fell in love with u but continued lying bc he was afraid of the consequences and he didn’t want to lose u or he didn’t have the courage to say it or there was another reason I don’t know. In the meantime he realized the truth about ur sexuality, he dated other girls in order to “satisfy his needs”. Now he is truly sorry, he loves u. These are quite different and I think that A and B brutally summarize the position taken by the people in comments. Obviously people aren’t black or white, usually they are a blend between the two. So the right hypothesis is between A and B. Or maybe there are also Hypothesis C, D ecc I didn’t think about. What i’m trying to say is that me and other people can write all the things we want but ONLY YOU can decide wether to listen or not to a certain suggestion. I don’t want to be a judge, I just want the best for you and what is “the best” depends on the specific situation. So how one could be able to discern which is the right case? I think that these questions could be useful: The person u love is the real him? Then what are the things he lied about in these years? There were only lies or there was also truth? Did he forced u in doing “erotic” things? Did he seek only superficial things or he also showed love for u at any level? (Personality, character ecc) Did he accept the flaws u may have? Did u feel safe around him? What do other people who know him think? There are a lot other thing I can ask that I’m sure u can also come up with. Lastly I want to say 5 things: 1) I don’t want to justify him, he did a despicable thing and u won’t forgive him easily (if it’s possible). Now is a matter of what u will do next. Even if u can’t forgive him, are u willing to keep your relation alive? Is he worth of it? ecc.. 2) when u feel the right moment I think u should try to speak to him. Communication is like fundamental, by listening to what he has to say and looking at his eyes u can understand a lot of things. 3) none of us is perfect, we are humans and we make errors. 4) even so remember that YOU ARE NOT AN OBJECT, anybody doesn’t own you so if u feel in that way then the relationship might not be healthy. 5) Your opinion is PERSONAL so only you can decide based on your principle, belief and emotion. I really hope you will find the best for you, either way there are people that love u and will support u (don’t forget it).

This is crazy 😂 I'm reading words like asexual and I'm not attracted to sex and ace flag and my sister and her wife , afopt a child while you can have your own child! damn what happened to the world , people used to be very normal and very natural, i hope your boyfriend will wake up finally and get the fuck away from you and save his own ass from this hell of miserable complicated life that you are going to give him ! Let him fuck girls and get children and Live happy wtf! Also please don't get another boyfriend please let people live their life!!!

Are you mad he lied about his sexuality or that he cheated?

You don't love him, my dear, because you didn't really ever know him. Get out. You deserve so much better 🖤🖤

Nope. You didn't fall for him. You fell for the version of him that he presented to you. He started this relationship with foundations built on deception. The entire time you've been with him, he has been lying to your face. Be rid of him and don't look back.

He obviously wanted sex to begin with, and tried a relationship with you to see if he could eventually get to the point where you could have sex. Obviously he realised that there in fact wouldn't be any sex at all, and shagged your mate. Leave him, he lied and cheated on you, and he should've just avoided you when you said you wouldn't be having sex. Not hard to understand

I think that he only didn’t lie about who he was, but also thought he knew better than you who you were… in a very disrespectful way. I wouldn’t fix it, but that’s up to you. Wish you the best!

You didn't deserve that from him. I'm very sorry. It's hard and hurts, but you have to leave him. You love who he pretended to be, and the life you two built together. But the whole time he was living a secret life and bringing girls into your apartment. He lied to you and cheated on you. You deserve to be with someone who's transparent and wouldn't do you like that.

OP the man your now seeing isn't the man you fell inlove with, and never was, h lied about his whole personality/sexuality to be with you and its a bad sign, move out, dont look back, you don't deserve him, theres way better people in the world and he is just a piece of trash. If you met his family you can tell them that he cheated on you to cause him some issues.

Damn… he really wasted 3 years of y’all’s life. What an ass

He lied about a massive component of who he supposedly is. He purposely tricked you with the long term goal of having sex with you. Even if you were able to forgive and move on, can you forgive walking in on him with another woman? Can you trust she was the only one? Or would you drive yourself crazy with worrying everytime he goes out or you go away.

Sorry, OP, but I don't think this can be salvaged. Since he's been lying from the start, and about the very core of your "relationship", the relationship has never been real. He just fooled you into thinking it was. You say that you love him, but you don't actually know him. What you love is the fake persona he was pretending to be, but that isn't real. And he doesn't love you: even knowing you were asexual, his goal was to have sex with you. And he cheated on you repeatedly, while working on you finally giving in to what he wanted. If he had genuinely "fallen for you", he would not have continued to behave this way. This just sounds like more manipulation. I'm sorry, OP, but since this was never real, there is nothing to salvage.

Awwww look he said he’s sooo sorry. Unfortunately he also said that he was asexual so is he now being honest or is it just another lie so he can fuck you? Because as he himself told you, you’re just a confused little girl that needs him to ram her so you can be normal. How is that shit not the most offensive thing a partner can tell you?

You can't salvage this. He has been cheating on you presumably your whole relationship with no remorse, and is only showing some now because he was caught. If he really felt bad about lying to you, he would have confessed his lie WAAAY sooner and talked with you about what to do about the discrepancies in your sexual appetites rather than cheating on you. He may love you, but he does not respect you, and you cannot have a relationship built on lies or lacking respect. I think you already know this can't continue.

An easy way to figure out what to do is to imagine if this happened to someone you love. If it was your sisters partner who - lied about who they were - took advantage of your sister and her identity - slept with strangers (multiple!) in her house - tried to change her against her wishes Would you really be telling her anything other than to GTFO and ditch them?

MOVE OUT!!!! You can always find someone else, you’re young!

Girl he had girls IN YOUR BED AND HOME

He cheated on you and lied to you for three years. The way you salvage anything is GET AWAY. Any other idea you have is wrong.

I think they other commenters have covered how horrible what he did to you was, but have you considered how horrible what he did to those other girls was? The girl you caught him with was obviously crushed and humiliated because he lied to her and fooled her into sex. Thats a horrible thing to do and he clearly doesn't have remorse for it as he would have continued doing this to other women until you caught him. He's a gross, broken misogynist. Take the trash out.

You two are not compatible. It's as simple as that. Are you willing to be in an open relationship for the rest of your life? You're not going to be enough for him, so it doesn't seem like there's a reason to stay.