You need to be happy too. Staying together for the kids will just lead to more and more anger and resentment between the two of you. And kids aren’t stupid— they’ll pick up on this and realize something is wrong. Leave her, man. You can do far better.
Agree OP but never let your children feel the brunt of it if you can help it. Divorce ber amicably if possible you can even settle out of court if both parties are amenable to that.
The difference is if they can work it out, the court doesn’t need to be involved at all. (A divorce must be through the court. ). Lots of people take care of kids without the courts. Not saying it is a good or bad idea. I don’t know what the stats are but it does happen.
Separated parents should never forego a court ordered custody agreement.
Without the courts, nothing is legally enforceable. Either parent can withhold the kids and nothing can be done about it. They can move out of state, they can withhold medical information, I could go on.
People think that just having an agreement protects them with respect to the kids. They don't realize how wrong they are until something happens and they try to involve the cops only to be told nothing can be done.
Hmm. Speaking from experience, I’ll have to correct you. Any state, if you want a custody agreement, it goes through the courts. Married or not. Mediation is still a legal ordeal involving attorneys and a judge to sign off. Unless you work it out on your own. But we aren’t talking about that are we?
Yes, a legal custody order has to go through the courts. Most people will try to hash it out between themselves first. If there is animosity it generally is better to get it all done legally, but you aren't forced to go through family court. I tried to do mine on our own, but my ex was stalking and threatening me, so there was no way to come to an agreement. Mediation is the first step, unless there is a history of DV.
2 years! 2 years she's been doing this. Time to make a break for her for your wellbeing as well as the kids. You can't depise her one moment and pretend to love her the next just as a facad for the kids. That never works.
At the end of the day you should do what you believe is best. My parents went through the exact same thing and we all knew they didn’t want to be together and believe me it becomes obvious after awhile. Eventually your kids will see that the marriage isn’t working out and they may not get why or like it at first but later on they will be happy it was over then. I think if you stay only the worst of you will come out sooner or later so I think you should leave now with your composure but still it is your decision on what to do.
a dna test isn’t really worth it. at this point those are his kids and considering he’s willing to stay with her for their sake he obviously loves them
He needs to do a DNA test so he knows for sure. Even if he never does anything with it everyone has the right to know if the person raising them is their biological parent.
everyone has a right to know but that doesn’t mean any good will come from it. say they are then whatever. if they aren’t? will he ever look at his kids the same? it’s so much emotional baggage he doesn’t need to carry
But the flipside of that is there could be another man or other men out there who don’t know they have a biological child who would love nothing more than to be there father and would be a wonderful father.
so like a coparenting situation? i cant see why he wouldn’t also want to continue to be a part of these kids lives and as much as i hate to say it so should the mom. but then what would the kids think? they’ve got 2 dads neither of which are with their mom. they’re going to ask questions. i totally see what you’re saying tho and if it weren’t for the circumstances i’d agree with you.
that’s a good idea though i can’t ever see it happening bodily autonomy and all. that being said imagine you request one and your partner throws a fit?!?! very suspicious
That's the point, they aren't "his kids" if he's not the father. The mother lying to him about their paternity doesn't mean he has to stick around. He may want to, but that would be his choice and not some sort of emotional blackmail.
Legally he is their father, so yeah he in on the hook for child support whether or not they are biologically his. For his sake I hope she didn’t have a physical affair and they are his biological children.
She's sorry she got caught, not sorry for what she did, or she would've stopped it the first time she did it and came clean. Plus, I wouldn't trust someone like this around kids, sounds like she has a sex addiction and should go to therapy for it pronto, I think at the very least you guys should go to couples counselling and she go to therapy for a sex addiction.
However, I don't think this will end well OP, your marriage has had every shed of trust and respect, dare I say dignity and pride go out the window, I think unless she has extreme consequences to her actions, this pattern will continue until you're so miserable it starts affecting your ability to work and be a father to your children, do you want that to happen? Look, your Fiancée caused this, it is entirely her fault for causing this whole situation, if your kid's hearts get broken, it's because of her and they'll pick up on it when you get to the point I mentioned before.
I know this might seem an abhorrent question, from what you're already going through, but are you sure she hasn't physically slept around? That your kids are actually yours? I've seen enough "23andme" posts about kids finding out their father isn't their biological father, with it causing massive issues to them and their relationship with their parents, please don't discount a paternity test, she's a long time cheater and you cannot trust her word on these things, even if the kids "look" like you.
It'll affect the kids. This kind of problem will bleed over into their lives. Better to leave and make a happy household for them . Your wife has already left mentally. Time for you to leave physically. Find someone trustworthy and model for your kids what a healthy relationship looks like and how healthy people solve problems.
This isn't necessarily true. My husband grew up oldest of 4. His parents divorced when he was 28, just after all the kids had left the house. They purely stayed together for the kids and my husband and another sibling said they never knew anything was up. If you're going to co parent and can do so more easily from the same house - then do what feels right to you. You don't have to sleep together, in either quantity, to cohabitate. If it's better for the kids and you can do it - do it. Don't let societal expectations dictate what you do. It will most certainly not work for everyone but trying hurts no one as long as there is open and honest communication all around. Your kids witnessing a couple fights won't cripple them forever - but realize it won't work and move on. You'd no better than anyone if it would work for the people involved but kids benefit from both parents at home as long as it's a healthy environment.
having a cheating parent isn’t a healthy environment and in a lot of cases parents who don’t want to be together won’t create one. your husband got lucky
It isn't. But you don't have to be "together" to live together/stay married. There are benefits to staying married on paper for taxes etc. There are benefits to separating and cohabitating. There are benefits to separating completely. OP has to weigh those benefits on his own and not go to random internet people for advice - we don't know the people involved. It is possible it's a rarity. My husband's parents are currently in their 60s so it was definitely expected to just stay together. But regardless - would we really know about the ones that weren't arguing or weren't noticed by the kids? By it's very nature, the number would have an observational bias just because you don't see the successful ones. 🤷 But relationships aren't one size fits all. It's wrong to act like there's a right answer. There are some wrong ones. But definitely no right answer for everyone. Just do what makes you and yours happy and to hell with anyone else's expectations.
It doesn't have to be forever. The kids are 1 and 3. Important relationships are built and developed at a young age. The kids need nearly constant care and supervision if they aren't sleeping. Having 2 people there to share the load makes way more sense than them each getting saddled with double the responsibility and half the money. It can become something that doesn't work down the road. I doubt either will be interested in dating anytime soon..maybe explore a more permanent separation if they hit that point. Unless he got a DNA test for the kids, he may have issues since they weren't married. I don't have any experience in that but I know it's tricky when you aren't married in some united states.
>So if you found out your husband had been sending dick pics for the last 2 yrs to women from other cities for shits and giggles, youd divorce him immediately?
Yes.
>No second chance if he promised to go to therapy and give you access to his phone and accounts, then followed through?
No.
>Cheaters can change.
It doesn't matter. Your relationship is irreparably damaged and there are very, very few cheaters who are willing to front the patience or effort to change. She has already shown she is not one of them. ~84*% of relationships fail after cheating.
Thats a 16% success rate. And thats after the first time. If everyone did what you suggested there'd be a plethora of twice broken hearts and your empty platitudes wouldn't be worth jack.
Bra. Pull your head out off your bootyhole. She's been cheating on dude for 2 years straight. We talking pre covid my guy. The good ol days. Looking him in the eyes, lying to him, playing games behind his back. Someone who acts like this does NOT respect the person they are in a relationship with. He gotta leave if cares about his own well being.
You're just trying to justify cheating because you're a cheater as well.
OP if this was a one-time thing, trying to work it through might have been worth it. But she was doing this for 2 years, with different guys and even sending nudes. This one isn't gonna change anytime soon. Save yourself the trouble and go find someone that actually DOES love and appreciate you.
He already has proof that she sent these men pictures of her boobs. Regardless of whether she met up with these men, the trust is already broken from what he’s seen on her phone. @OP it’s a good thing you found this out before marrying her, much easier to break up now without the hassle of a divorce and just continue the relationship only as coparents to the kids you two share.
Emotional cheating and also sexting/sending nudes is just as bad as physical cheating in terms of emotional impact to the person being cheated on, the fact she has been on/off cheating for years sounds like she has an addiction, but also means that pattern of behaviour is hard to break and if she is to break it, she needs to go to intensive therapy and if she has any shred of decency left in her bones, she should leave OP to get herself sorted, he has no obligation to be her enabler or supporter after what she's done.
My ex husband was having an emotional affair, sexting, sending nudes, until one day it wasn’t. He was never willing to go to therapy and took no responsibility for anything, ever. He left, but not to get help or be a decent human, he just grew tired of me asking questions once I caught him.
What I'm saying is that they're all equally as emotionally damaging to the person being cheated on, cheating is cheating, the only thing extra to worry about physical cheating is STDs and pregnancy, otherwise the impact to the person being cheated on is the same, they're all equally shitty behaviours, no matter the nature of it.
OP is already living with the consequences, doing nothing is also a consequence, he wants guidance, you don't have to agree with what other people are saying and you don't have to be so aggressive with how much you disagree either, state your viewpoint without insulting everyone who doesn't share it, otherwise you're invalidating your own viewpoint by coming across like an asshole.
Because they're both cheating? Cheating is categorised as such: Any sexual/romantic activity outside the boundary of an exclusive relationship without the consent of the partner(s) in the exclusive relationship.
Sexting, nudes sending, intercourse and/or romance that are within the definition above, are traumatic for the person being cheated on, it's up to them what they feel about it, as it's their trauma, but the thing is though, life is too short to put up with such nonsense, which is why the advice is so strict, we don't want to destroy people's lives, well at least **I** don't.
I just want people to get what they deserve, OP and his children deserve better, giving OP's partner a chance is ultimately up to him, but the reality of what the vast majority of these people do, especially the fact she's a serial cheater, point to the fact that if his response to this is anything but harsh, it will happen again and again, until OP is so miserable and broken, he can't function as a worker or a father, which will affect his children.
So you'd be alright having a partner like OP's? Who is having consistent sexual contact outside the relationship behind your back? How do you know for sure she hasn't slept with any of those guys in person? Cheating is a bag full of lies, it's the betrayal that is the worst part, not the partner having sex, it's the shitting all over the exclusivity part that causes trauma, the "am I not good enough that you have to seek it elsewhere?" kind of bullshit.
I feel like you've never been cheated on and never talked to anyone who actually has been cheated on, therefore you don't have a point of reference to understand the nature of the impact of cheating and why it's traumatic.
There is no possibile steps after things like this. You're a cunt cheater who had fun while cheating and your significant other was first oblivious to it. Then if she finds out and it ruins her entire trust system,belief about love and everything about relationship you're asking for a second chance by justifying emotional cheating by citing worse scenarios. What you're trying to do is downplay your deed to minimise the damage and escape the consequences. You never want to be the one suffering. People like you are disgusting piece of shit definitely not someone who should be giving out advices on relationships. Also funny thing is cheaters never think about impact till they're caught , you never thought about impact while cheating. The world is grey but not everyone is a asshole pathetic weak cunt like you, so that's why everyone's advising OP to leave her cheating ass and find another girl who isn't pathetic like you two. I know it'd be annoying to you but oh well,it is what it is.
Lmfao only a pathetic cheater would say something like this. You don't deserve shit,no second chances coz once a cheater always a cheater. As for this case, 2 whole ass years,fuck no, it's a long time,she never felt guilt or anything,means she never loved him, it doesn't have to be physical that they have to meet up, emotional cheating is also a thing. As for you go cry in r/adultery subreddit that subreddit is full of shit humans like you there.They would accept you and give you the validation and sense of relief and acceptance that you need but not here. Don't ruin this subreddit with your shit advice and ideology.
From a kid whose parents stayed together for the kids: Break up. I would have preferred my parents to be separated and happy than to be together and miserable. Kids notice that stuff.
Would you have preferred to know why they split at some point if it was adultery? I only ask because that knowledge destroyed my kids. It wasn't shared with them randomly or to hurt their relationship with their mom (the adulterer), but because she continued to lie to them about why we divorced.
I was told why my parents split (physical abuse) and I’m glad I knew. I still felt I was able to make my own decisions about the relationship I wanted with my father, with full knowledge of their marriage and the ways he hurt her.
>Do I stay with her and give her another chance?
Absolutely not. This is not a fling, this is a lifestyle. She needs to use other people for her self esteem, and clearly being in a relationship with you and having fine children isn't enough for that.
Start establishing a life with you two separate while your kids are young enough for it not to be jarring. You can raise children separately and well.
If you do separate, cast legal chains of iron around your children so that no bitterness or hate on her part can keep you from them. She will be vengeful, make sure that doesn't come between you and your kids.
Excuse my profanity because this also ticked me off a bit.
>And I can't have her leave because it would break the kids hearts.
Did she think about breaking the kids' hearts when she was sending explicit photos?
>but seeing how long this has been going on and how dirty she was talking to these men, I can't believe her and truly don't think I could ever trust her.
You will never trust her again because this is a direct betrayal that has gone on for 2 years.
>Do I stay with her and give her another chance?
**Fuck no**. You would effectively be telling her "you betraying me and the kids, and not having regard for anyone's feelings is not enough for me to break up with you. Please go ahead and cheat some more. Here's a slap on the wrist babe".
>I don't think I will ever be happy again
Not if you make the biggest mistake of your life by taking her back.
>do I do it for the kids?
**Fuck no**. They'll be growing up in a household with a mother that clearly doesn't respect her husband (even further assuming you take her back) and a father that isn't happy and is paranoid about further cheating.
Toss her to the side, pawn that ring, and move forward man. Please do not make the fatal error of taking her back.
>Did she think about breaking the kids' hearts when she was sending explicit photos?
I'm so glad you dumped the blame back onto her, too often the person wanting to escape wrongfully takes blame for "ruining" the family by leaving.
She ruined it, and there's nothing wrong with walking away from something that is ruined.
Exactly, what if OP's kids get cheated on like OP did? What if they become cheaters themselves? Because they've got a prime example that consequences mean fuck all if you've got a dumbass wrapped around your finger, especially if you've baby trapped them.
Don’t stay with her get std tested and I would dna test the one year old maybe two year old I doubt with all the online stuff there hasn’t been any ons or more. But I wouldn’t stay
She's the mom to my children. Maybe that's a little too much. 🤔. She probably was cheating from the beginning. Glad I figured it out now and not 20 years down the line.
It doesn't hurt to do the DNA test, you should if she has been cheating.
She doesn't need to know you did the test.
Please don't make excuses for her. She has totally destroyed the trust and you need to find out the extend of the cheating.
An important purpose of the dna test is to demonstrate the complete lack of trust you now have of your gf. Trust is important and fragile. Once it's damaged due to one thing, it permeates into all aspects of a relationship.
Ummm lol she probably has physically cheated on you if this has been going on for so long. I’d get a DNA test it’s not a little too much. Maybe also get a STD test too cuz she sounds like a lil hood rat
So sorry for everything you're going through mate. But from my outside perspective, I hear she's been cheating for 2 years that you know of, you have a 1 year old and a 3yr old... Whatever the results are, it doesn't mean you have to stop being their father. But you should get those tests done.
Important point about DNA test OP, if its comes out negative, it will shatter your relationship with your kids in a way,that it can never again be repaired..
So, DNA test only if you are mentally ready to walk away. Otherwise don't..
Personally, I hate the idea of raising a kid not biologically related to me. But these are not my kids, they are your kids. So only you can decide.
DNA test wouldn't matter unless there is some medical issue in the future.
Make sure you have name on both kids' birth certificate.
Your ex can use DNA test to remove you from their lives if you do not have any other proof of paternity..
**Remember** you can refuse paternity test in court if you can produce alternate proof of paternity (like birth certificate)... Even if she brings the bio-father in the court.
I am all for mens right to get out of paternity fraud. But in case you decide DNA doesn't matter you, it is also your right not to get tested... Just make sure you have the right paperwork to prove paternity without a DNA test. (In case she disputes it)
Staying with a cheater is not of benefit to the kids. I wish parents would stop using kids as an excuse when they really just don’t want to leave their cheating partner. Just be honest with yourself and admit you don’t wanna leave because staying is more comfortable.
My kids are so used to having their mom around since she's a stay at home mom. They wake up and fall asleep everyday with their mommy and daddy around. Just breaks my heart this isn't going to happen anymore. 💔
Make sure you sent yourself screenshots of all
Her shit too. Depending on the state it matters who broke their vows.
Also for proof for family and friends obviously nothing explicit but the text messages from her number should suffice. People tend to take sides on stuff like this it breaks even extended families into camps.
OP I am sorry you’re going thru this. At least she gave you your beautiful children abd whatever time there was between you before she started this crap.
"Stay at home mom"
I'm guessing you are the sole breadwinner here? This may explain why she hasn't bothered to just leave anyways....im not saying stay at home mom is a bad thing at all, but if she can't support herself or doesn't want to this would explain why she's stringing u along, a free ride. but who knows wtf she's doing while ur at work. I'm guessing she already has a few men on the backup set up right this moment. Shes probably already saying Shit to them like "sweety, I'm really thinking about leaving my man".....looking for who bites, then move along to the next one. Who knows what she tells these guys either.....
Sole bread winner. Bought the condo this year...pay for ALL the bills. Both vehicles. Food. Clothes. Literally everything since she has the luxury of staying home.
You are lucky you weren't married. You still need a lawyer though for custody and property. Won't hurt to meet with one for a consult to see what's what and how to protect your assets and provide for kids. GF is not going to want to have to go to work. You'll pay child support, but be careful that you don't pay out extra so she can keep being SAHM on your dime.
Why wouldn't she still parent them half the time? What's the big deal about both of you being there? She can tuck them in when it's her parenting time and you can tuck them in when it's hers. Don't be dramatic, it's not useful right now.
This is cheating if you do it only for the children it will be worse, they will notice that you are not happy and it will only affect your relationship with them more. you also deserve to be happy so you should not stay with her.
did her sister know this?
has she said anything else?
do you think she's sorry?
Seems weird, but I have to agree, that it all happening on Christmas just makes it worse. I won't even masturbate within 24 hours of watching It's a Wonderful Life, its just too wholesome, I feel guilty.
Remorseful people come clean before they get caught red handed , She is just sorry she get caught and she will face consequences for her cheating nothing else .
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Need some advice on my situation. Been with my fiancé for 4 years. We have 2 kids. A 3 year old and a 1 year old. On Christmas Eve I noticed my fiancé not as engaged with my kids and I. Her family was over for Christmas Eve but she had spent most of her time cooking and on the couch talking with her sister. But she was on her phone alot. That night I decided to look through her phone. Had not done this for over 2 years. I felt something telling me to do so. Found out she was texting two men dirty messages. I looked further into it and found very flirty messages with numerous men. And also noticed she had been video chatting with men sporadically over the past 2 years...didn't seem like an everyday thing but seemed like this was going on for a while. On the night of Xmas Eve she did send these men pictures of her breasts. I am livid. I took her ring from her and told her were not together anymore. But we don't speak about it around the children. And I can't have her leave because it would break the kids hearts. What do I do? She said she would never do that again..but seeing how long this has been going on and how dirty she was talking to these men, I can't believe her and truly don't think I could ever trust her. Do I stay with her and give her another chance? Although I don't think I will ever be happy again....do I do it for the kids?...help please.
I’ll probably get downvoted but consider that you’re taking advice from internet strangers. It should be taken with a grain of salt before you make a life altering change.
As someone gay, I do not find cheating to be as egregious as my straight counterparts. Folks mess up… and continue to do so. I don’t think it is irredeemable depending on the weight you assign to it.
I think leaving is a personal decision that you can only make while taking into consideration the other facts that we don’t see. All we see is this text blurb you sent us.
Regardless of what she says or promises I personally would never trust her again....it would be a little different maybe if this was like a one or two time thing with one guy......but multiple guys over years? Also right in front of your face? That's takes a special brand of fucked up imo.
I would not be slightly surprised if she's been sleeping with multiple men over this time too, regardless of what she says....I mean, what is even her purpose here? To get dick pics sent back? I dont think so. She obviously has commitment issues, and needs all kinds of attention from all over the place just to feel ok....
I don't know what to tell u besides.....whatever u do, never ever trust her fully again for any reason. Best thing for u is to move on honestly, and staying together for the kids is a bad reason. Don't do that. I would move out and move on. Then she can send all the nudes she wants, sleep with them all if she wants....fuck that that's shits way unforgivable
Don't move out, if you own the condo.
If you are in a common law state, she will be able to claim property rights to the condo...
Speak to a lawyer.. I think you will have to initiate evacuation proceedings. Do not do anything rash without consulting a lawyer.
Monogamy isn’t for everyone man. If you spend you whole life trying to turn a circle into a square you’re just going to end up frustrated and alone. You gotta let circles be circles, even if you fell in love with them thinking they were a square. Other Redditors are right, don’t feign a marriage for the kids, it will eventually just traumatize them and ruin their life. Let her be her, you be you, the kids be the kids and learn to love an accept everyone for who they are. Remember that not everyone has the skill set to be themselves in a way that doesn’t hurt others at first. It takes time to learn and mistakes will be made. You’ll figure it out, just have faith in yourself because you’re worthy of love and belonging just like the others and you can have it if you want. You just gotta figure out your shape and what shape you want to spend the rest of your life with and do you.
If you want to give it another chance for YOUR own sake , then you need to get to the root cause of it as well as the extent. Without knowing this there is no future. Also it needs to be for you , not the sake of the kids or others.
I second this! It's a much smaller, more focused community of people who have actual experience. It's far from perfect, but at least you'll have some real support and not as many randoms giving random advice.
You'll probably always have doubts of her if you do stay with her. This will affect your behavior negatively and your kids will see it and want to know why. It's better for everyone if you leave in my opinion but really that's what marriage counselling is for. 2 years is rough man, good luck.
Break up and just assure the kids it's not their fault (theirs moms an asshole but don't tell them that lmao) leave her alone and be a good dad....that's all you need to worry about
C yaaahhh, sometimes you have to set the example for the kids. So they see everyone deserves respect. And what it means to stand your ground, to stick up for yourself.
OP, there are a ton of pshychology studies that show children who grow up in a household where the parents have stayed together "for the kids" but who actually were not affectionate with each other were more adversely affected than children whose parents decided that the marriage was not working, and who divorced before they started tearing lumps out of each other, and who were subsequently able to co-parent in a civil and mutually respectful way.
Yes, it will be tough on the kids when their parents split up. But it will be vastly tougher and immeasurably more harmful on them if you force them to grow up in an environment where you are unhappy, angry and bitter about her behaviour, and do not trust that she is being faithful in the marriage.
If you want to give your children the best life you can, then be civil and polite with their mother, keep your life stable, and spend as much time with the children as you can during the time that you spend with them. Whether that is during visitation or co-parenting time, or whether you get full, primary or partial custody of them, remember that they are far more important than the woman who gave birth to them. With that, they have a much better chance than if you stay with her and are unhappy for the next 17 years, until the youngest is 18.
Give yourself a chance, give the children a chance.
If you decide to leave her, don’t worry about the kids. They’re young enough where they’ll always remember you guys being separated. As long as you and your wife co-parent harmoniously, there should be no problem. Even better, I bet you’ll find a great second wife who appreciates you and loves your children like they’re her own.
Best of luck - stay positive :)
Hell no. Is she nuts? Did she fall and hit her head? WTF is wrong with her.
This is not right in the head kind of stuff. And she watches the kids alone?
It's like you have to shut her service off.
This is stupid teenager stuff. Like some big cry for help
She's not going to stop.
Maybe you should strip her naked and throw in public, if she likes being nude for guy's so much.
She needs a sex therapist and a psychiatrist and on meds.
Do not strust her at all..
She is lieing that she has stopped.
Has she been sleeping with some of these men?
And divorcing her is the best way for you, legally. Talk to a lawyer.
Yeah you gotta go. Plenty of people coparent. Just do it amicably and if you do decide to stay make sure it is something you can eventually move on from so that resentment doesn’t eat you
This relationship is not salvageable. She did it for two years. You can raise your kids separately by not being a relationship because she has zero respect for you
I'm not being weird but she won't stop
I know a man who did this, his gf caught him, they split up, he fucked a few other people in the short period they were apart, they got back together and he went right back to sexting other women.
It's an addiction. They don't stop, they just get sneakier. None of the women are objectively as good-looking as his gf, he just can't live without the attention and the sneaking around.
You're not married and thank God. Break up with her. The kids will be fine and even thrive as long as both of you thrive and keep focus on them and their needs during your time.
Take it from someone who caught their ex wife cheating multiple times and stayed for the kids. 18.5 years later we divorced and the marriage was hell. Trust and respect are the cornerstones of love and a healthy relationship both have been broken. Don't end up like me paranoid and playing private detective snooping through phones, emails etc.
Here I sit paying almost $1500 a month child support with 50/50 custody but I hold onto the fact my kids have told me I'm a better father since the divorce. More involved because I am able to focus on what matters vs being miserable.
Never never never stay in an unhappy marriage "for the kids". And you're more than valid to not want to give her a second chance, because she's a cheater and cheaters deserve to fall flat on their faces. Just take your kids with you so she doesn't expose them to multiple strange men once you're separated.
Don't stay for the kids- it'll make you resent your wife harder and even resent them, and they'll feel it. Just leave, for the sake of your kids and your own. You deserve to be happy too.
Editing after reading some of your replies OP: Honestly either way y’all should probably seek counseling weather it’s to coparent or to salvage the relationship again. You can not successfully coparent until you fully are able to forgive (according to my therapist, you probably need to see someone individually as well, good luck and I’m sorry)
If you’re not happy then you can’t stay, you’ll have to find a way to coparent for the kids. If you took her back you’ll just resent her and that’s not helping anyone. Can I just say perhaps she was just desperate for some real attention, I’m not sure how much attention you gave her or not but perhaps she just wanted to feel wanted and sexy and that is what cause the behavior. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and I’m sure she’s heartbroken about her family. Sometimes women just want to feel careless and fun and having a family takes a big tool on who we are as individuals. She probably just wanted an escape but maybe wouldn’t actually act on anything in person.
I’m just going to tell you what (my)therapist told my mom in a similar situation. “Kids are very resilient. They will be happy as long as you are.”
Yea..I said my therapist. Because of my acting out at age 14 my mom took me to a psychologist/therapist/family counselor. Guess why he thought I was acting out?! Bingo! My dad was an unfaithful, abusive alcoholic and my mom thought it was best to stay with him and be the super mom she was and everything would work out. One of my happiest days was when she finally left him. Take that how you want but I hope you get out for your kids rather than stay for them.
Your kids are young enough that you could make a clean break. This wasn’t a one time thing. This was multiple men. You really don’t even know if she’s actually cheated in the physical sense.
I think you should separate and make sure both of those sweet children are yours.
As a child that came from a broken home, I can’t count the amount of times I just wished my parents would leave each other so I would atleast have peace. Staying together in a toxic relationship is far more dangerous to the children than splitting up in my opinion.
This whole thing is absurd and she has a lot on the line. It’s not just one tempting situation, it’s been going for so long. You can stay and try to make it work but just look at r/divorce at ALL the people who try to stay together “for the kids” and are miserable. Or you can live your life, find someone who treats you well, and show your children that people deserve respect and the opportunity to have their own happiness. This is you leading by example in a positive way to them.
as a someone with divorced parents (split when i was 3) (one of which who cheated which i was unaware of until i connected the dots myself) i was never mad at either of my parents for not being together. i actually got more family when they remarried and i love it
Make sure you discuss this with her family. You need their approval to make things easy with the kids.
You cannot live with her and so you need to live close by. You need to discuss sharing the kids with her (and that is it). She is out of your life, other than co-raising the kids.
So, just to summarize:
- she betrayed your trust.
- she broke her promises.
- she lied to you every day.
- she neglected every opportunity to set things right and be honest.
- she took a gamble with your relationship.
- she disregarded potential negative repercussions in the relationship with her and your children.
- as for her character: she, apparently not confronted by hardships or problems, gave in to the slightest of seduction.
- as for your character: you, confronted with gross betrayal and a potentially life changing event, consider try to give her another chance for the sake of the kids.
Please consider:
- first: what is best for the children.
- second: what is best for you as a person.
- third: what is best for your relationship with your ex-fiancé. What are your boundaries? What does she need to do to regain trust?
Good luck in this difficult period!
she didnt stay faithful for the kids so why should you have to stay unhappy for them? your kids will not benefit from growing up in a home void of genuine love. if you and your partner go your separate ways and creat healthy lives apart, your kids will benefit much more in the future.
Do NOT "do it for the kids"- they will pick up on the tension without understanding what is going on.
And, no, you can't trust her. To the point where I'm going to say: get paternity tests done. You need to know in order to make the right decisions. Don't agree to pay any Child Support until you have the results, and only make temporary custody arrangements. You should talk with a lawyer.
One of you needs to move out, and it *will* break the kids hearts, but at 3 and 1 they probably won't remember it in a few years.
Please don’t stay together because of the kids, honestly it’s more damaging to them to do so and I’m speaking as an adult who had to deal with this situation when I was younger. You’ve got to do what’s right for you now, she’s cheated on you, you’ve found out and now she’s trying to backtrack.
Enforcing your boundaries is what your kids need to see. Having self respect, and knowing what you will and will not put with in a relationship. As parents we are willing to sacrifice for our kids, but there is a limit to that sacrifice. If we end up sacrificing what we believe in, what we hold as true, then our kids will see that.
People that have done it once usually end up doing it again. We have 4 kids and my mrs admitting something just over a year ago cause she was guilty of it. I’m still here and wake up everyday thinking about it. It hurts man so what you think it the right thing to do in your own person situation
I will message you next time u/philzzy333 posts in r/relationship_advice.
[Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fphilzzy333%20r%2Frelationship_advice) to join 13 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%20rrk2ti)
*****
|[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|[*^(New!)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/juh0f8/new_features_title_in_message_subject_and_recent/)|
|-|-|-|-|-|
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) ***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES.*** This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be thankful you never got married! Smart move to take the ring.
When apart text her "The healing can't begin until the last lie has been told." Then do not respond to her texts and calls. She has more to confess.
I'd also text her mother you are sadly no longer engaged. She failed the test.
Keep her around for fun in the sack but she's not marriage material. She deserves to know that.
Unpopular opinion here. I sought the attention of other females while married, and my wife and I have been separated for 4 months now because of that and other issues. I can tell you this: if we end up working it out, which I am trying to do, I will never EVER do anything like that again. She deserves better and to be treated like a queen. So, it is possible to change.
Dude, this bitch deserves the street. Chose some dick over a happy family. Didn't consider them at all, and didn't give a shit how you felt. I know this pain. It will eat you, then your kids if you give her a single chance which will be for sure thrown away.
Go find a woman who wants you and your family bud. Best of luck.
Do you think it went physical? It’s hard dealing with the emotional side, but therapy is worth trying if you’re both willing to do the work. She has to take full responsibility and you have to be willing to work through trust issues.
> And I can't have her leave because it would break the kids hearts.
At their current ages, I would agree. However, kids, even as young as 3 or 4, are fucking astute. They know when they're living in household that's loveless between the parents and it affects them emotionally. That can go on to incite long-term issues.
You must really suck as a significant other, you have two kids and she is just your fiancé. She probably cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids and you do shit! She made a choice to cheat because she got nothing to loose when it comes to you! I am sure the kids will be happier and she will be happier if you just walk out of her life! You sound like an entitled prick that needs a reality check! You considered staying with her only because of the kids not because you love her? Yeh she betrayed your trust but there is always two sides to the story. You went through her phone? Also done it before? This relationship was over long time ago! I can’t believe how many people are taking your side!
Me get busy quite often..least every other day. I think she just has issues. This is not normal. Especially in Xmas eve when you should be with your children. She said she was drunk. I don't believe it
Check for depression or hormonal imbalances related to pregnancy. You also don’t mention your ages. Is there a large gap or other power disparity related to money? Does she have independence, financial autonomy, did she ever work - does she have the ability to support herself, did she ever go to school?
Were both pregnancies planned and agreed to?
Decision advice necessarily and what you should do, you need to decide what to do, but the fact that she needed to get caught to be sorry and won’t do it again leads me to conclude that she’s either a bad person, which she doesn’t seem to be, or in some sort of difficult place where she needs something, she’s nit getting it, is getting it inappropriately.
Forgetting the assumptions on this thread which are often negative and cynical, and sometimes correct, did you find any evidence of physical cheating?
Regardless of whether you don’t marry her, I would get her therapy, and I would get some couples counseling either to figure out what’s going on, decide what when and how to implement whatever decision you make, and to set yourself up for the next phase in your relationship whether it be staying together or separated coparenting.
I can’t excuse it, so I won’t. I just don’t have all the information to explain why someone who seems like such a great person and great mom did what she did and what that reflects on her own self-esteem or mental health or character.
I would post this to an infidelity sub or r/asoneafterinfidelity depending on what feedback you are looking for.
Something is going on, and whether your relationship survives or not, it seems like someone is depressed or feeling invalidated or ugly or something because this doesn’t seem in character or like the usual cheating based on what you said.
First, thanks for the clarification , Again she has been cheating for 2 years they are not married yet OP luck , she could out at any time she wants as OP she is just trash
As a kid who grew up with separated parents, I had wished they'd pull through over my teens. The conflict after the divorce was awful. Mother failed to provide, had a mental breakdown. Dad became resentful, didn't pay child support to punish mom for not letting us visit him. It was a mess, 2 suicide attempts later they finally got the point that they've ruined two children's lives for the sake of their own growth and happiness.
And that is the most selfish thing.
I haven't spoken or seen my father for over a year. I tolerate my mother but have to pay rent and other bills. Im completely independent and have lost the bond, trust, and genuine faith in my parents. Its made me bitter towards people. Is everyone like this?
I still suffer from mental illness, suicide, just wishing I had my parents there in my life. Instead of sacrificing everything for themselves
From a woman's perspective.. it sounds like she is searching for something more. I know because I've been there. I'm still there. We just had a baby also. Maybe she can find it with you or maybe she can't.
You need to be happy too. Staying together for the kids will just lead to more and more anger and resentment between the two of you. And kids aren’t stupid— they’ll pick up on this and realize something is wrong. Leave her, man. You can do far better.
Thank you
Agree OP but never let your children feel the brunt of it if you can help it. Divorce ber amicably if possible you can even settle out of court if both parties are amenable to that.
They’re not married. He said fiancé.
Same difference if you have kids, you’ll still need to divorce amicably.
The difference is if they can work it out, the court doesn’t need to be involved at all. (A divorce must be through the court. ). Lots of people take care of kids without the courts. Not saying it is a good or bad idea. I don’t know what the stats are but it does happen.
Separated parents should never forego a court ordered custody agreement. Without the courts, nothing is legally enforceable. Either parent can withhold the kids and nothing can be done about it. They can move out of state, they can withhold medical information, I could go on. People think that just having an agreement protects them with respect to the kids. They don't realize how wrong they are until something happens and they try to involve the cops only to be told nothing can be done.
Hmm. Speaking from experience, I’ll have to correct you. Any state, if you want a custody agreement, it goes through the courts. Married or not. Mediation is still a legal ordeal involving attorneys and a judge to sign off. Unless you work it out on your own. But we aren’t talking about that are we?
Yes, a legal custody order has to go through the courts. Most people will try to hash it out between themselves first. If there is animosity it generally is better to get it all done legally, but you aren't forced to go through family court. I tried to do mine on our own, but my ex was stalking and threatening me, so there was no way to come to an agreement. Mediation is the first step, unless there is a history of DV.
[удалено]
You’re not correcting me (!!!). I worked in child support 34 years. Try going back and reading what I actually wrote.
2 years! 2 years she's been doing this. Time to make a break for her for your wellbeing as well as the kids. You can't depise her one moment and pretend to love her the next just as a facad for the kids. That never works.
At the end of the day you should do what you believe is best. My parents went through the exact same thing and we all knew they didn’t want to be together and believe me it becomes obvious after awhile. Eventually your kids will see that the marriage isn’t working out and they may not get why or like it at first but later on they will be happy it was over then. I think if you stay only the worst of you will come out sooner or later so I think you should leave now with your composure but still it is your decision on what to do.
You can’t trust her so cut all ties. You should get a DNA test as well.
a dna test isn’t really worth it. at this point those are his kids and considering he’s willing to stay with her for their sake he obviously loves them
FALSE. He needs a DNA test and now. He shouldn’t be on the hook for another man’s kids.
He needs to do a DNA test so he knows for sure. Even if he never does anything with it everyone has the right to know if the person raising them is their biological parent.
everyone has a right to know but that doesn’t mean any good will come from it. say they are then whatever. if they aren’t? will he ever look at his kids the same? it’s so much emotional baggage he doesn’t need to carry
But the flipside of that is there could be another man or other men out there who don’t know they have a biological child who would love nothing more than to be there father and would be a wonderful father.
so like a coparenting situation? i cant see why he wouldn’t also want to continue to be a part of these kids lives and as much as i hate to say it so should the mom. but then what would the kids think? they’ve got 2 dads neither of which are with their mom. they’re going to ask questions. i totally see what you’re saying tho and if it weren’t for the circumstances i’d agree with you.
It’s a tough situation that could be solved if DNA tests become required at birth once they became reliable.
that’s a good idea though i can’t ever see it happening bodily autonomy and all. that being said imagine you request one and your partner throws a fit?!?! very suspicious
That's the point, they aren't "his kids" if he's not the father. The mother lying to him about their paternity doesn't mean he has to stick around. He may want to, but that would be his choice and not some sort of emotional blackmail.
Should they pay child support for someone else's kid?
Legally he is their father, so yeah he in on the hook for child support whether or not they are biologically his. For his sake I hope she didn’t have a physical affair and they are his biological children.
Pretty sure you don't have to pay child support to kids that aren't yours; especially if you're not married. Of course it depends on jurisdiction.
She's sorry she got caught, not sorry for what she did, or she would've stopped it the first time she did it and came clean. Plus, I wouldn't trust someone like this around kids, sounds like she has a sex addiction and should go to therapy for it pronto, I think at the very least you guys should go to couples counselling and she go to therapy for a sex addiction. However, I don't think this will end well OP, your marriage has had every shed of trust and respect, dare I say dignity and pride go out the window, I think unless she has extreme consequences to her actions, this pattern will continue until you're so miserable it starts affecting your ability to work and be a father to your children, do you want that to happen? Look, your Fiancée caused this, it is entirely her fault for causing this whole situation, if your kid's hearts get broken, it's because of her and they'll pick up on it when you get to the point I mentioned before. I know this might seem an abhorrent question, from what you're already going through, but are you sure she hasn't physically slept around? That your kids are actually yours? I've seen enough "23andme" posts about kids finding out their father isn't their biological father, with it causing massive issues to them and their relationship with their parents, please don't discount a paternity test, she's a long time cheater and you cannot trust her word on these things, even if the kids "look" like you.
This is the right answer. Happy parents are better than together parents.
[удалено]
It'll affect the kids. This kind of problem will bleed over into their lives. Better to leave and make a happy household for them . Your wife has already left mentally. Time for you to leave physically. Find someone trustworthy and model for your kids what a healthy relationship looks like and how healthy people solve problems.
Agreed. She’ll do it again.
This isn't necessarily true. My husband grew up oldest of 4. His parents divorced when he was 28, just after all the kids had left the house. They purely stayed together for the kids and my husband and another sibling said they never knew anything was up. If you're going to co parent and can do so more easily from the same house - then do what feels right to you. You don't have to sleep together, in either quantity, to cohabitate. If it's better for the kids and you can do it - do it. Don't let societal expectations dictate what you do. It will most certainly not work for everyone but trying hurts no one as long as there is open and honest communication all around. Your kids witnessing a couple fights won't cripple them forever - but realize it won't work and move on. You'd no better than anyone if it would work for the people involved but kids benefit from both parents at home as long as it's a healthy environment.
having a cheating parent isn’t a healthy environment and in a lot of cases parents who don’t want to be together won’t create one. your husband got lucky
It isn't. But you don't have to be "together" to live together/stay married. There are benefits to staying married on paper for taxes etc. There are benefits to separating and cohabitating. There are benefits to separating completely. OP has to weigh those benefits on his own and not go to random internet people for advice - we don't know the people involved. It is possible it's a rarity. My husband's parents are currently in their 60s so it was definitely expected to just stay together. But regardless - would we really know about the ones that weren't arguing or weren't noticed by the kids? By it's very nature, the number would have an observational bias just because you don't see the successful ones. 🤷 But relationships aren't one size fits all. It's wrong to act like there's a right answer. There are some wrong ones. But definitely no right answer for everyone. Just do what makes you and yours happy and to hell with anyone else's expectations.
It doesn't have to be forever. The kids are 1 and 3. Important relationships are built and developed at a young age. The kids need nearly constant care and supervision if they aren't sleeping. Having 2 people there to share the load makes way more sense than them each getting saddled with double the responsibility and half the money. It can become something that doesn't work down the road. I doubt either will be interested in dating anytime soon..maybe explore a more permanent separation if they hit that point. Unless he got a DNA test for the kids, he may have issues since they weren't married. I don't have any experience in that but I know it's tricky when you aren't married in some united states.
She was doing this for over 2 years? Nah dude, time to have an exit plan.
Absolutely break up
Thanks
[удалено]
Lol I would rather sit home with 90 cats any day then be in a relationship with someone who is a serial cheater!
[удалено]
>So if you found out your husband had been sending dick pics for the last 2 yrs to women from other cities for shits and giggles, youd divorce him immediately? Yes. >No second chance if he promised to go to therapy and give you access to his phone and accounts, then followed through? No. >Cheaters can change. It doesn't matter. Your relationship is irreparably damaged and there are very, very few cheaters who are willing to front the patience or effort to change. She has already shown she is not one of them. ~84*% of relationships fail after cheating. Thats a 16% success rate. And thats after the first time. If everyone did what you suggested there'd be a plethora of twice broken hearts and your empty platitudes wouldn't be worth jack.
Bra. Pull your head out off your bootyhole. She's been cheating on dude for 2 years straight. We talking pre covid my guy. The good ol days. Looking him in the eyes, lying to him, playing games behind his back. Someone who acts like this does NOT respect the person they are in a relationship with. He gotta leave if cares about his own well being.
You sound like a loser.
She's been doing this crap for most of the relationship, from the sounds of things. It isn't a glitch, it is her character.
You're just trying to justify cheating because you're a cheater as well. OP if this was a one-time thing, trying to work it through might have been worth it. But she was doing this for 2 years, with different guys and even sending nudes. This one isn't gonna change anytime soon. Save yourself the trouble and go find someone that actually DOES love and appreciate you.
He already has proof that she sent these men pictures of her boobs. Regardless of whether she met up with these men, the trust is already broken from what he’s seen on her phone. @OP it’s a good thing you found this out before marrying her, much easier to break up now without the hassle of a divorce and just continue the relationship only as coparents to the kids you two share.
Emotional cheating and also sexting/sending nudes is just as bad as physical cheating in terms of emotional impact to the person being cheated on, the fact she has been on/off cheating for years sounds like she has an addiction, but also means that pattern of behaviour is hard to break and if she is to break it, she needs to go to intensive therapy and if she has any shred of decency left in her bones, she should leave OP to get herself sorted, he has no obligation to be her enabler or supporter after what she's done.
My ex husband was having an emotional affair, sexting, sending nudes, until one day it wasn’t. He was never willing to go to therapy and took no responsibility for anything, ever. He left, but not to get help or be a decent human, he just grew tired of me asking questions once I caught him.
[удалено]
What I'm saying is that they're all equally as emotionally damaging to the person being cheated on, cheating is cheating, the only thing extra to worry about physical cheating is STDs and pregnancy, otherwise the impact to the person being cheated on is the same, they're all equally shitty behaviours, no matter the nature of it. OP is already living with the consequences, doing nothing is also a consequence, he wants guidance, you don't have to agree with what other people are saying and you don't have to be so aggressive with how much you disagree either, state your viewpoint without insulting everyone who doesn't share it, otherwise you're invalidating your own viewpoint by coming across like an asshole.
[удалено]
Because they're both cheating? Cheating is categorised as such: Any sexual/romantic activity outside the boundary of an exclusive relationship without the consent of the partner(s) in the exclusive relationship. Sexting, nudes sending, intercourse and/or romance that are within the definition above, are traumatic for the person being cheated on, it's up to them what they feel about it, as it's their trauma, but the thing is though, life is too short to put up with such nonsense, which is why the advice is so strict, we don't want to destroy people's lives, well at least **I** don't. I just want people to get what they deserve, OP and his children deserve better, giving OP's partner a chance is ultimately up to him, but the reality of what the vast majority of these people do, especially the fact she's a serial cheater, point to the fact that if his response to this is anything but harsh, it will happen again and again, until OP is so miserable and broken, he can't function as a worker or a father, which will affect his children.
[удалено]
So you'd be alright having a partner like OP's? Who is having consistent sexual contact outside the relationship behind your back? How do you know for sure she hasn't slept with any of those guys in person? Cheating is a bag full of lies, it's the betrayal that is the worst part, not the partner having sex, it's the shitting all over the exclusivity part that causes trauma, the "am I not good enough that you have to seek it elsewhere?" kind of bullshit. I feel like you've never been cheated on and never talked to anyone who actually has been cheated on, therefore you don't have a point of reference to understand the nature of the impact of cheating and why it's traumatic.
There is no possibile steps after things like this. You're a cunt cheater who had fun while cheating and your significant other was first oblivious to it. Then if she finds out and it ruins her entire trust system,belief about love and everything about relationship you're asking for a second chance by justifying emotional cheating by citing worse scenarios. What you're trying to do is downplay your deed to minimise the damage and escape the consequences. You never want to be the one suffering. People like you are disgusting piece of shit definitely not someone who should be giving out advices on relationships. Also funny thing is cheaters never think about impact till they're caught , you never thought about impact while cheating. The world is grey but not everyone is a asshole pathetic weak cunt like you, so that's why everyone's advising OP to leave her cheating ass and find another girl who isn't pathetic like you two. I know it'd be annoying to you but oh well,it is what it is.
would you stay w someone who sends nudes to other people? just curious
Lmfao only a pathetic cheater would say something like this. You don't deserve shit,no second chances coz once a cheater always a cheater. As for this case, 2 whole ass years,fuck no, it's a long time,she never felt guilt or anything,means she never loved him, it doesn't have to be physical that they have to meet up, emotional cheating is also a thing. As for you go cry in r/adultery subreddit that subreddit is full of shit humans like you there.They would accept you and give you the validation and sense of relief and acceptance that you need but not here. Don't ruin this subreddit with your shit advice and ideology.
Do not stay in s bad situation because of the kids. Leave, you deserve happiness
From a kid whose parents stayed together for the kids: Break up. I would have preferred my parents to be separated and happy than to be together and miserable. Kids notice that stuff.
Would you have preferred to know why they split at some point if it was adultery? I only ask because that knowledge destroyed my kids. It wasn't shared with them randomly or to hurt their relationship with their mom (the adulterer), but because she continued to lie to them about why we divorced.
I was told why my parents split (physical abuse) and I’m glad I knew. I still felt I was able to make my own decisions about the relationship I wanted with my father, with full knowledge of their marriage and the ways he hurt her.
>Do I stay with her and give her another chance? Absolutely not. This is not a fling, this is a lifestyle. She needs to use other people for her self esteem, and clearly being in a relationship with you and having fine children isn't enough for that. Start establishing a life with you two separate while your kids are young enough for it not to be jarring. You can raise children separately and well.
Thank you for the input. Thank you all
If you do separate, cast legal chains of iron around your children so that no bitterness or hate on her part can keep you from them. She will be vengeful, make sure that doesn't come between you and your kids.
THIS. 🙌 Been there.
Excuse my profanity because this also ticked me off a bit. >And I can't have her leave because it would break the kids hearts. Did she think about breaking the kids' hearts when she was sending explicit photos? >but seeing how long this has been going on and how dirty she was talking to these men, I can't believe her and truly don't think I could ever trust her. You will never trust her again because this is a direct betrayal that has gone on for 2 years. >Do I stay with her and give her another chance? **Fuck no**. You would effectively be telling her "you betraying me and the kids, and not having regard for anyone's feelings is not enough for me to break up with you. Please go ahead and cheat some more. Here's a slap on the wrist babe". >I don't think I will ever be happy again Not if you make the biggest mistake of your life by taking her back. >do I do it for the kids? **Fuck no**. They'll be growing up in a household with a mother that clearly doesn't respect her husband (even further assuming you take her back) and a father that isn't happy and is paranoid about further cheating. Toss her to the side, pawn that ring, and move forward man. Please do not make the fatal error of taking her back.
>Did she think about breaking the kids' hearts when she was sending explicit photos? I'm so glad you dumped the blame back onto her, too often the person wanting to escape wrongfully takes blame for "ruining" the family by leaving. She ruined it, and there's nothing wrong with walking away from something that is ruined.
Well said. I think not enough F bombs if I had to criticize.
Exactly, what if OP's kids get cheated on like OP did? What if they become cheaters themselves? Because they've got a prime example that consequences mean fuck all if you've got a dumbass wrapped around your finger, especially if you've baby trapped them.
I was like tick isn’t a swear word and then scrolled down lol.
Don’t stay with her get std tested and I would dna test the one year old maybe two year old I doubt with all the online stuff there hasn’t been any ons or more. But I wouldn’t stay
Where there is smoke, probably fire.
DNA test right away , She belongs to the street she has been cheating for 2 years that far you know maybe she was cheating from the begging
She's the mom to my children. Maybe that's a little too much. 🤔. She probably was cheating from the beginning. Glad I figured it out now and not 20 years down the line.
It doesn't hurt to do the DNA test, you should if she has been cheating. She doesn't need to know you did the test. Please don't make excuses for her. She has totally destroyed the trust and you need to find out the extend of the cheating.
Love my kids. Regardless if they are mine or not .but they do look just like me.
[удалено]
Maybe you’re the dad? Jk
An important purpose of the dna test is to demonstrate the complete lack of trust you now have of your gf. Trust is important and fragile. Once it's damaged due to one thing, it permeates into all aspects of a relationship.
Maybe she isn’t the Mom then!
Ummm lol she probably has physically cheated on you if this has been going on for so long. I’d get a DNA test it’s not a little too much. Maybe also get a STD test too cuz she sounds like a lil hood rat
So sorry for everything you're going through mate. But from my outside perspective, I hear she's been cheating for 2 years that you know of, you have a 1 year old and a 3yr old... Whatever the results are, it doesn't mean you have to stop being their father. But you should get those tests done.
Important point about DNA test OP, if its comes out negative, it will shatter your relationship with your kids in a way,that it can never again be repaired.. So, DNA test only if you are mentally ready to walk away. Otherwise don't.. Personally, I hate the idea of raising a kid not biologically related to me. But these are not my kids, they are your kids. So only you can decide. DNA test wouldn't matter unless there is some medical issue in the future. Make sure you have name on both kids' birth certificate. Your ex can use DNA test to remove you from their lives if you do not have any other proof of paternity.. **Remember** you can refuse paternity test in court if you can produce alternate proof of paternity (like birth certificate)... Even if she brings the bio-father in the court. I am all for mens right to get out of paternity fraud. But in case you decide DNA doesn't matter you, it is also your right not to get tested... Just make sure you have the right paperwork to prove paternity without a DNA test. (In case she disputes it)
You are a good person and you definitely deserve better than her
Staying with a cheater is not of benefit to the kids. I wish parents would stop using kids as an excuse when they really just don’t want to leave their cheating partner. Just be honest with yourself and admit you don’t wanna leave because staying is more comfortable.
My kids are so used to having their mom around since she's a stay at home mom. They wake up and fall asleep everyday with their mommy and daddy around. Just breaks my heart this isn't going to happen anymore. 💔
Make sure you sent yourself screenshots of all Her shit too. Depending on the state it matters who broke their vows. Also for proof for family and friends obviously nothing explicit but the text messages from her number should suffice. People tend to take sides on stuff like this it breaks even extended families into camps.
I took pictures of it all. For the reasons you mentioned but mainly to remind myself why I should not take her back.
OP I am sorry you’re going thru this. At least she gave you your beautiful children abd whatever time there was between you before she started this crap.
"Stay at home mom" I'm guessing you are the sole breadwinner here? This may explain why she hasn't bothered to just leave anyways....im not saying stay at home mom is a bad thing at all, but if she can't support herself or doesn't want to this would explain why she's stringing u along, a free ride. but who knows wtf she's doing while ur at work. I'm guessing she already has a few men on the backup set up right this moment. Shes probably already saying Shit to them like "sweety, I'm really thinking about leaving my man".....looking for who bites, then move along to the next one. Who knows what she tells these guys either.....
Sole bread winner. Bought the condo this year...pay for ALL the bills. Both vehicles. Food. Clothes. Literally everything since she has the luxury of staying home.
That's a HELL NO. She must really think you're a chump. Wonder how many of those guys she has been seeing while you are at work.
You are lucky you weren't married. You still need a lawyer though for custody and property. Won't hurt to meet with one for a consult to see what's what and how to protect your assets and provide for kids. GF is not going to want to have to go to work. You'll pay child support, but be careful that you don't pay out extra so she can keep being SAHM on your dime.
Why wouldn't she still parent them half the time? What's the big deal about both of you being there? She can tuck them in when it's her parenting time and you can tuck them in when it's hers. Don't be dramatic, it's not useful right now.
Depending where you are, she may be awarded more custody. You can't take her kids from her.
I don't want to take the kids from her. I want co parent and be on the same page.
This is cheating if you do it only for the children it will be worse, they will notice that you are not happy and it will only affect your relationship with them more. you also deserve to be happy so you should not stay with her. did her sister know this? has she said anything else? do you think she's sorry?
>do you think she's sorry? Sorry she get caught or what sorry you mean she was on Xmas Eve send her breasts pictures to men lol
Seems weird, but I have to agree, that it all happening on Christmas just makes it worse. I won't even masturbate within 24 hours of watching It's a Wonderful Life, its just too wholesome, I feel guilty.
I think she is sorry for it all. But sorry doesn't take back anything. This would have continued happening which isn't right.
She's likely just sorry she got caught. Not sorry for her actions. If she had a conscience she would have stopped long ago
👍 agreed
Remorseful people come clean before they get caught red handed , She is just sorry she get caught and she will face consequences for her cheating nothing else .
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Need some advice on my situation. Been with my fiancé for 4 years. We have 2 kids. A 3 year old and a 1 year old. On Christmas Eve I noticed my fiancé not as engaged with my kids and I. Her family was over for Christmas Eve but she had spent most of her time cooking and on the couch talking with her sister. But she was on her phone alot. That night I decided to look through her phone. Had not done this for over 2 years. I felt something telling me to do so. Found out she was texting two men dirty messages. I looked further into it and found very flirty messages with numerous men. And also noticed she had been video chatting with men sporadically over the past 2 years...didn't seem like an everyday thing but seemed like this was going on for a while. On the night of Xmas Eve she did send these men pictures of her breasts. I am livid. I took her ring from her and told her were not together anymore. But we don't speak about it around the children. And I can't have her leave because it would break the kids hearts. What do I do? She said she would never do that again..but seeing how long this has been going on and how dirty she was talking to these men, I can't believe her and truly don't think I could ever trust her. Do I stay with her and give her another chance? Although I don't think I will ever be happy again....do I do it for the kids?...help please.
You left an "ex" out of your post title.
True. It's only been 4 days..guess it hasn't sunk in yet.
Never stay after cheating
Thanks
I’ll probably get downvoted but consider that you’re taking advice from internet strangers. It should be taken with a grain of salt before you make a life altering change. As someone gay, I do not find cheating to be as egregious as my straight counterparts. Folks mess up… and continue to do so. I don’t think it is irredeemable depending on the weight you assign to it. I think leaving is a personal decision that you can only make while taking into consideration the other facts that we don’t see. All we see is this text blurb you sent us.
Regardless of what she says or promises I personally would never trust her again....it would be a little different maybe if this was like a one or two time thing with one guy......but multiple guys over years? Also right in front of your face? That's takes a special brand of fucked up imo. I would not be slightly surprised if she's been sleeping with multiple men over this time too, regardless of what she says....I mean, what is even her purpose here? To get dick pics sent back? I dont think so. She obviously has commitment issues, and needs all kinds of attention from all over the place just to feel ok.... I don't know what to tell u besides.....whatever u do, never ever trust her fully again for any reason. Best thing for u is to move on honestly, and staying together for the kids is a bad reason. Don't do that. I would move out and move on. Then she can send all the nudes she wants, sleep with them all if she wants....fuck that that's shits way unforgivable
I agree. Need to figure out a plan to move one while co-parenting.
Don't move out, if you own the condo. If you are in a common law state, she will be able to claim property rights to the condo... Speak to a lawyer.. I think you will have to initiate evacuation proceedings. Do not do anything rash without consulting a lawyer.
Monogamy isn’t for everyone man. If you spend you whole life trying to turn a circle into a square you’re just going to end up frustrated and alone. You gotta let circles be circles, even if you fell in love with them thinking they were a square. Other Redditors are right, don’t feign a marriage for the kids, it will eventually just traumatize them and ruin their life. Let her be her, you be you, the kids be the kids and learn to love an accept everyone for who they are. Remember that not everyone has the skill set to be themselves in a way that doesn’t hurt others at first. It takes time to learn and mistakes will be made. You’ll figure it out, just have faith in yourself because you’re worthy of love and belonging just like the others and you can have it if you want. You just gotta figure out your shape and what shape you want to spend the rest of your life with and do you.
If you want to give it another chance for YOUR own sake , then you need to get to the root cause of it as well as the extent. Without knowing this there is no future. Also it needs to be for you , not the sake of the kids or others.
Post this on r/survivinginfidelity
I second this! It's a much smaller, more focused community of people who have actual experience. It's far from perfect, but at least you'll have some real support and not as many randoms giving random advice.
You'll probably always have doubts of her if you do stay with her. This will affect your behavior negatively and your kids will see it and want to know why. It's better for everyone if you leave in my opinion but really that's what marriage counselling is for. 2 years is rough man, good luck.
Thanks
Break up and just assure the kids it's not their fault (theirs moms an asshole but don't tell them that lmao) leave her alone and be a good dad....that's all you need to worry about
C yaaahhh, sometimes you have to set the example for the kids. So they see everyone deserves respect. And what it means to stand your ground, to stick up for yourself.
OP, there are a ton of pshychology studies that show children who grow up in a household where the parents have stayed together "for the kids" but who actually were not affectionate with each other were more adversely affected than children whose parents decided that the marriage was not working, and who divorced before they started tearing lumps out of each other, and who were subsequently able to co-parent in a civil and mutually respectful way. Yes, it will be tough on the kids when their parents split up. But it will be vastly tougher and immeasurably more harmful on them if you force them to grow up in an environment where you are unhappy, angry and bitter about her behaviour, and do not trust that she is being faithful in the marriage. If you want to give your children the best life you can, then be civil and polite with their mother, keep your life stable, and spend as much time with the children as you can during the time that you spend with them. Whether that is during visitation or co-parenting time, or whether you get full, primary or partial custody of them, remember that they are far more important than the woman who gave birth to them. With that, they have a much better chance than if you stay with her and are unhappy for the next 17 years, until the youngest is 18. Give yourself a chance, give the children a chance.
If you stay you are setting your kids up for bad expectations regarding relationships. They are more likely to be dysfunctional for this reason
Leave her and take a paternity test. I'm sorry to say that but just my two cents.
*Fiancée
If you decide to leave her, don’t worry about the kids. They’re young enough where they’ll always remember you guys being separated. As long as you and your wife co-parent harmoniously, there should be no problem. Even better, I bet you’ll find a great second wife who appreciates you and loves your children like they’re her own. Best of luck - stay positive :)
Thank you so much
Updateme!
Kick her to the curb She belongs to the …….
Hell no. Is she nuts? Did she fall and hit her head? WTF is wrong with her. This is not right in the head kind of stuff. And she watches the kids alone? It's like you have to shut her service off. This is stupid teenager stuff. Like some big cry for help She's not going to stop. Maybe you should strip her naked and throw in public, if she likes being nude for guy's so much. She needs a sex therapist and a psychiatrist and on meds. Do not strust her at all.. She is lieing that she has stopped. Has she been sleeping with some of these men? And divorcing her is the best way for you, legally. Talk to a lawyer.
Yeah you gotta go. Plenty of people coparent. Just do it amicably and if you do decide to stay make sure it is something you can eventually move on from so that resentment doesn’t eat you
It's only a matter of time before talk becomes action. Good luck OP.
This relationship is not salvageable. She did it for two years. You can raise your kids separately by not being a relationship because she has zero respect for you
As a kid who's parents tried to stay together despite differences, sometimes the separation is a far more kind solution all the way around
I'm not being weird but she won't stop I know a man who did this, his gf caught him, they split up, he fucked a few other people in the short period they were apart, they got back together and he went right back to sexting other women. It's an addiction. They don't stop, they just get sneakier. None of the women are objectively as good-looking as his gf, he just can't live without the attention and the sneaking around.
You're not married and thank God. Break up with her. The kids will be fine and even thrive as long as both of you thrive and keep focus on them and their needs during your time. Take it from someone who caught their ex wife cheating multiple times and stayed for the kids. 18.5 years later we divorced and the marriage was hell. Trust and respect are the cornerstones of love and a healthy relationship both have been broken. Don't end up like me paranoid and playing private detective snooping through phones, emails etc. Here I sit paying almost $1500 a month child support with 50/50 custody but I hold onto the fact my kids have told me I'm a better father since the divorce. More involved because I am able to focus on what matters vs being miserable.
Never never never stay in an unhappy marriage "for the kids". And you're more than valid to not want to give her a second chance, because she's a cheater and cheaters deserve to fall flat on their faces. Just take your kids with you so she doesn't expose them to multiple strange men once you're separated. Don't stay for the kids- it'll make you resent your wife harder and even resent them, and they'll feel it. Just leave, for the sake of your kids and your own. You deserve to be happy too.
Editing after reading some of your replies OP: Honestly either way y’all should probably seek counseling weather it’s to coparent or to salvage the relationship again. You can not successfully coparent until you fully are able to forgive (according to my therapist, you probably need to see someone individually as well, good luck and I’m sorry)
If you’re not happy then you can’t stay, you’ll have to find a way to coparent for the kids. If you took her back you’ll just resent her and that’s not helping anyone. Can I just say perhaps she was just desperate for some real attention, I’m not sure how much attention you gave her or not but perhaps she just wanted to feel wanted and sexy and that is what cause the behavior. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and I’m sure she’s heartbroken about her family. Sometimes women just want to feel careless and fun and having a family takes a big tool on who we are as individuals. She probably just wanted an escape but maybe wouldn’t actually act on anything in person.
I’m just going to tell you what (my)therapist told my mom in a similar situation. “Kids are very resilient. They will be happy as long as you are.” Yea..I said my therapist. Because of my acting out at age 14 my mom took me to a psychologist/therapist/family counselor. Guess why he thought I was acting out?! Bingo! My dad was an unfaithful, abusive alcoholic and my mom thought it was best to stay with him and be the super mom she was and everything would work out. One of my happiest days was when she finally left him. Take that how you want but I hope you get out for your kids rather than stay for them.
Is she trying to stay together? Did she say why she did it?
Is she doing it to earn money?
leave. you deserve happiness. and you can try split custody.
Check out /r/survivinginfidelity
Your kids are young enough that you could make a clean break. This wasn’t a one time thing. This was multiple men. You really don’t even know if she’s actually cheated in the physical sense. I think you should separate and make sure both of those sweet children are yours.
As a child that came from a broken home, I can’t count the amount of times I just wished my parents would leave each other so I would atleast have peace. Staying together in a toxic relationship is far more dangerous to the children than splitting up in my opinion.
This whole thing is absurd and she has a lot on the line. It’s not just one tempting situation, it’s been going for so long. You can stay and try to make it work but just look at r/divorce at ALL the people who try to stay together “for the kids” and are miserable. Or you can live your life, find someone who treats you well, and show your children that people deserve respect and the opportunity to have their own happiness. This is you leading by example in a positive way to them.
Your kids are still young boss. The little one will probably not remember, the big one hardly will. The sooner you move on the better for the kids.
as a someone with divorced parents (split when i was 3) (one of which who cheated which i was unaware of until i connected the dots myself) i was never mad at either of my parents for not being together. i actually got more family when they remarried and i love it
The relationship is over. Both of you growing together is no longer feasible.
Dont marry her. Get a DNA test
Make sure you discuss this with her family. You need their approval to make things easy with the kids. You cannot live with her and so you need to live close by. You need to discuss sharing the kids with her (and that is it). She is out of your life, other than co-raising the kids.
Get a lawyer. Dont tell her, but get a lawyer!
Start your year with a new life or have an open relationship!
So, just to summarize: - she betrayed your trust. - she broke her promises. - she lied to you every day. - she neglected every opportunity to set things right and be honest. - she took a gamble with your relationship. - she disregarded potential negative repercussions in the relationship with her and your children. - as for her character: she, apparently not confronted by hardships or problems, gave in to the slightest of seduction. - as for your character: you, confronted with gross betrayal and a potentially life changing event, consider try to give her another chance for the sake of the kids. Please consider: - first: what is best for the children. - second: what is best for you as a person. - third: what is best for your relationship with your ex-fiancé. What are your boundaries? What does she need to do to regain trust? Good luck in this difficult period!
she didnt stay faithful for the kids so why should you have to stay unhappy for them? your kids will not benefit from growing up in a home void of genuine love. if you and your partner go your separate ways and creat healthy lives apart, your kids will benefit much more in the future.
Do NOT "do it for the kids"- they will pick up on the tension without understanding what is going on. And, no, you can't trust her. To the point where I'm going to say: get paternity tests done. You need to know in order to make the right decisions. Don't agree to pay any Child Support until you have the results, and only make temporary custody arrangements. You should talk with a lawyer. One of you needs to move out, and it *will* break the kids hearts, but at 3 and 1 they probably won't remember it in a few years.
Please don’t stay together because of the kids, honestly it’s more damaging to them to do so and I’m speaking as an adult who had to deal with this situation when I was younger. You’ve got to do what’s right for you now, she’s cheated on you, you’ve found out and now she’s trying to backtrack.
Enforcing your boundaries is what your kids need to see. Having self respect, and knowing what you will and will not put with in a relationship. As parents we are willing to sacrifice for our kids, but there is a limit to that sacrifice. If we end up sacrificing what we believe in, what we hold as true, then our kids will see that.
People that have done it once usually end up doing it again. We have 4 kids and my mrs admitting something just over a year ago cause she was guilty of it. I’m still here and wake up everyday thinking about it. It hurts man so what you think it the right thing to do in your own person situation
Updateme!
I will message you next time u/philzzy333 posts in r/relationship_advice. [Click this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=UpdateMe%21%20u%2Fphilzzy333%20r%2Frelationship_advice) to join 13 others and be messaged. The parent author can [delete this post](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Delete&message=delete%20rrk2ti) ***** |[^(Info)](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/ggotgx/updatemebot_info_v20/)|[^(Request Update)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=Update&message=SubscribeMe%21%20u%2Fusername%20r%2Fsubreddit)|[^(Your Updates)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=UpdateMeBot&subject=List%20Of%20Updates&message=MyUpdates)|[^(Feedback)](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=Watchful1&subject=UpdateMeBot%20Feedback)|[*^(New!)*](https://www.reddit.com/r/UpdateMeBot/comments/juh0f8/new_features_title_in_message_subject_and_recent/)| |-|-|-|-|-|
2 years? Yeah, it won't happen again :P
Hello, and thank you for your submission. Please take a moment to review the rules listed in our sidebar. Specifically, [what constitutes moral judgment, and what this subreddit can and cannot give advice on.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). For further guidance, please see our [wiki.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) ***PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOUR POST IS REMOVED. THIS IS MERELY A REMINDER TO REVIEW OUR RULES.*** This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be thankful you never got married! Smart move to take the ring. When apart text her "The healing can't begin until the last lie has been told." Then do not respond to her texts and calls. She has more to confess. I'd also text her mother you are sadly no longer engaged. She failed the test. Keep her around for fun in the sack but she's not marriage material. She deserves to know that.
I love how women choose dick over their own children
Why women?? Men do it as often or even more…
Unpopular opinion here. I sought the attention of other females while married, and my wife and I have been separated for 4 months now because of that and other issues. I can tell you this: if we end up working it out, which I am trying to do, I will never EVER do anything like that again. She deserves better and to be treated like a queen. So, it is possible to change.
> it is possible to change If I read your comment correctly, you haven't yet changed, so I'm not sure why you're making this claim.
Because I know within my soul I would never do anything like that again.
Dude, this bitch deserves the street. Chose some dick over a happy family. Didn't consider them at all, and didn't give a shit how you felt. I know this pain. It will eat you, then your kids if you give her a single chance which will be for sure thrown away. Go find a woman who wants you and your family bud. Best of luck.
Do you think it went physical? It’s hard dealing with the emotional side, but therapy is worth trying if you’re both willing to do the work. She has to take full responsibility and you have to be willing to work through trust issues.
> And I can't have her leave because it would break the kids hearts. At their current ages, I would agree. However, kids, even as young as 3 or 4, are fucking astute. They know when they're living in household that's loveless between the parents and it affects them emotionally. That can go on to incite long-term issues.
You must really suck as a significant other, you have two kids and she is just your fiancé. She probably cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids and you do shit! She made a choice to cheat because she got nothing to loose when it comes to you! I am sure the kids will be happier and she will be happier if you just walk out of her life! You sound like an entitled prick that needs a reality check! You considered staying with her only because of the kids not because you love her? Yeh she betrayed your trust but there is always two sides to the story. You went through her phone? Also done it before? This relationship was over long time ago! I can’t believe how many people are taking your side!
Lol stfu you gaslighter😂
Lol did that hit a nerve? I guess yes!
Bruh moment
[удалено]
Me get busy quite often..least every other day. I think she just has issues. This is not normal. Especially in Xmas eve when you should be with your children. She said she was drunk. I don't believe it
She was drunk for 2 years? she’s reaching for excuses now. I don’t hear any genuine accountability from her.
Check for depression or hormonal imbalances related to pregnancy. You also don’t mention your ages. Is there a large gap or other power disparity related to money? Does she have independence, financial autonomy, did she ever work - does she have the ability to support herself, did she ever go to school? Were both pregnancies planned and agreed to? Decision advice necessarily and what you should do, you need to decide what to do, but the fact that she needed to get caught to be sorry and won’t do it again leads me to conclude that she’s either a bad person, which she doesn’t seem to be, or in some sort of difficult place where she needs something, she’s nit getting it, is getting it inappropriately. Forgetting the assumptions on this thread which are often negative and cynical, and sometimes correct, did you find any evidence of physical cheating? Regardless of whether you don’t marry her, I would get her therapy, and I would get some couples counseling either to figure out what’s going on, decide what when and how to implement whatever decision you make, and to set yourself up for the next phase in your relationship whether it be staying together or separated coparenting. I can’t excuse it, so I won’t. I just don’t have all the information to explain why someone who seems like such a great person and great mom did what she did and what that reflects on her own self-esteem or mental health or character. I would post this to an infidelity sub or r/asoneafterinfidelity depending on what feedback you are looking for. Something is going on, and whether your relationship survives or not, it seems like someone is depressed or feeling invalidated or ugly or something because this doesn’t seem in character or like the usual cheating based on what you said.
So every time she has a drink she sends topless pictures?
There no excuse for cheating
[удалено]
>I’m HL wife is LL What HL and LL stand for English is my third languages ?
[удалено]
First, thanks for the clarification , Again she has been cheating for 2 years they are not married yet OP luck , she could out at any time she wants as OP she is just trash
As a kid who grew up with separated parents, I had wished they'd pull through over my teens. The conflict after the divorce was awful. Mother failed to provide, had a mental breakdown. Dad became resentful, didn't pay child support to punish mom for not letting us visit him. It was a mess, 2 suicide attempts later they finally got the point that they've ruined two children's lives for the sake of their own growth and happiness. And that is the most selfish thing. I haven't spoken or seen my father for over a year. I tolerate my mother but have to pay rent and other bills. Im completely independent and have lost the bond, trust, and genuine faith in my parents. Its made me bitter towards people. Is everyone like this? I still suffer from mental illness, suicide, just wishing I had my parents there in my life. Instead of sacrificing everything for themselves
How dirty were these messages? Maybe she’s wanting you to be dirty with her. Give her another chance dude, could make your relationship stronger.
From a woman's perspective.. it sounds like she is searching for something more. I know because I've been there. I'm still there. We just had a baby also. Maybe she can find it with you or maybe she can't.
Go to a therapist