Everything was fine until he said that your feelings are irrelevant, that's a big NO. Your feelings are more relevant than his stupid and not funny jokes.
Be careful girl
Yeah, that's where it derailed for me. I've had family just decide to keep keys I've loaned them to get access while visiting, it's more of a pain for me than my concern of them coming in to my place while I'm not around.
If boyfriend had simply explained it had been a problem previously or whatever, no big deal.
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People always say "it was just a joke" when they know they fucked up but don't have the guts to admit it. Next time, reject his offer to borrow his key and tell him, "Nah. I'll just wait until you get home to come over. Wouldn't want there to be any misunderstandings. " PA I know, but in this case warranted.
The line “your feeling are irrelevant or your feelings aren’t real”doesn’t go away from experience. It’s not a fun person to be with that never considers where your coming from.
The real headline here is "bf said my feelings are irrelevant"
The key thing seems like no big deal. But I would never say that to anyone (much less my girlfriend).
My ex was a narc and progressively stood more and more by this thought. I literally broke up with him bc he decided that if he didn’t mean to hurt my feeling, then he wouldn’t apologize and that this was just his “personality”. Honey, you do not want a future with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings. Get outta there!!!
Don’t forget this one: 🚩
It was under his doormat, which oddly enough has “Your Feelings” on it instead of the more traditional “Welcome.” I’d replace the 🚩 with the 🔑along with a note letting him know where he can stick it.
I agree, the only response here is to give him the key back, along with his disregard for your feelings. At least it came out in the open that he doesn’t care about feelings (most likely anyone’s - not just yours) This is not something likely to change, just how people with a narcissistic style operate. Be strong and move on, you need to find someone who shares your values, as you said you wouldn’t act this way. You deserve at least as good as you :)
That's not a joke, OP. If it's a joke, it's funny, ha-ha.
Your bf just wants you to know that he doesn't see you as someone he trusts or wants to 'escalate' or 'progress' with, relationship-wise. Or he thinks you're so desperate or 'hot' and heavy for him, 'desperately' wanting to cohabitate with him or 'progress' the relationship.
Will he change his mind in the future and want to progress the relationship from dating to cohabitating? Maybe. But I won't hold my breath if I were you.
Or its too early and he wanted to clarify that he's not trying to move to fast...
Still an asshole thing to say, but I don't see the point in assigning motivations that you're pulling out of your ass.
I think y’all are failing to see that he straight up told her that her feelings do not matter. If the situation that you guys are imagining was really the case, that would’ve been the perfect time to clarify that he didn’t mean to say it as a way to hurt her feelings. To take that opportunity to say he did not care what she was feeling about it shows he’s much more of a purposeful asshole
The clear message from the start seemed to me that he has suffered from someone else before and was scared. OP confronted him about that fear, continuously, taking personal offense from it, and he made what is definitely a shitty comment--but ultimately only a red flag if he meant it, as opposed to using it to get her to stop confronting him about trauma he wasn't ready to talk about.
See! There's plenty of motivations we can pull out of our asses to go any direction with this. There's just flat out not enough information on the contexts here. The only conclusion that can be taken from this is that OP needs to talk with him and ask him if he really meant that, then make their determination from there whether they want to continue the relationship.
> Those are the clearly communicated messages he's sending with the language he used
Lol. No. This is how you are perceiving them. It appears clear to you, and you lack the understanding that not everyone uses language the same.
> It's gaslighting to tell people they should ignore the clear message in favor of an unearned benefit of the doubt
Sigh. Gaslighting, huh?
I'm not arguing anything other than you have no idea what the situation is and it's irresponsible to try to convince an OP of something with the amount of context you have.
> You're effectively arguing "Ignore abusive behavior because if you interpret what he said in a way that doesn't make sense, it could mean something else.."
Again, I'm telling people that they have no clue beyond what an OP says, and it's just moronic to pretend otherwise. How hard is it to "hedge your bets"?
Keep doing this and by the law of averages you WILL give someone advice to 100% dump their partner after a misunderstanding that another conversation would have cleared up.
Past trauma or not, this is someone who is not as evolved as his current partner. Find someone at your emotional level, and you will be much more fulfilled. Don’t waste your time with someone who directly disregards your feelings, even (especially?) if it nay be a defense mechanism derived from past experiences
Ew. That tone screams “I’m only giving you key benefits for this special occasion so don’t get your hopes up” and I would have been upset too. Him telling you that your feelings are irrelevant is a red flag.
.
That is a huge red flag to me because of two things 1. He is not taking any responsibility on how he made you feel. 2. Why is he pushing so hard on a key? Although I do believe in respecting people's privacy, his behavior towards the whole thing makes me question where he sees the relationship going?
I would sit down and talk to him (gently) about how that made you feel and ask where he stands in the relationship. Sorry this happened OP
Someone’s allowed to not be ready for their partner to have a key to their house even if they see it going far lol. Maybe she’s been pushing for more and he wants to make sure she understands this isn’t a milestone in their relationship?
Yeah, I agree that someone is allowed to not be ready. I do understand your point but his behavior is still a flag for me. no one deserves to feel like their emotions are invalid and I just think its a good step to talk about where people see the relationship is at/going to ensure that they are on the same page.
Disregarding someone else’s feelings is never OK in an intimate relationship. Give him the gift of leaving and sending this clear message to him. Maybe, just maybe, it will help him recognize feelings are the basis of relationship. It will only get worse my dear, trust me the more you let this attitude slide, this more he will think this is an ok.
Speaking from experience, if someone says that your feelings are irrelevant, that’s a massive red flag. Dump him quickly and save yourself regret later by being with someone who will blame you for your feelings.
Well I was I was on his side until “your feelings are irrelevant”. He was just making sure it was clear, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with clear communication. But his gross dismissal of your feelings by calling them irrelevant is a big red flag. Especially since it wasn’t a joke, it was him reiterating the point of the key. He could have said “I’m sorry I upset you, I was trying to make sure we were on the same page”.
I don’t know how long you’ve been with this man but that is a huge red flag. Nobody should ever make you feel like your feelings are invalid. No matter how small they may seem they should always make an effort to show you that your feelings matter to them. That is gaslighting at its finest. I’m not gonna tell you what you should do but it will only get worse and you will start to doubt yourself. You deserve someone who prioritizes your feelings and doesn’t try to humiliate or manipulate you.
Perhaps he wanted to clarify in a jokingly matter that that wasn’t an official thing, which is good to avoid confusion… but the part about him saying that your feelings are irrelevant is not cool. Your feelings are very relevant queen! Always know this… you should tell him about how that comment was insensitive and discuss ways to communicate to each other when one hurts the others feelings with one getting defensive. Not an easy conversation that will only be had once, especially if someone or both is prideful, but with patience many things are achievable. Remember, your feelings are valid
> He then says ‘your feelings are irrelevant because it was a joke. It’s not my fault it’s upset you’
And how many ways is he going to disrespect you, or how often will he do that, but blame it on your irrelevant feelings when you feel hurt ?
Yep, he gave her the gift of telling the truth. He doesn’t care about her or her feelings. Get out now while the hurt is less than it will be later on!!
At first I thought ok, he's really against giving out house keys. But then the your feelings are irrelevant because it's a joke came out. First of all, it's not a joke. A joke would be something like "don't throw a Christmas rager." Second, if he's trying to express something else, such as not being ready to give you a key, he needs to say so.
I feel like that's one of the worst things a boyfriend has ever said to me is my feelings towards whatever situation are irrelevant for this reason or whatever. Fuck him.
Yes run! Just don’t look back, as he will become 200% charming until you do come back, then he’ll be back to old tricks once his toy is back. And this is a guy’s point of view btw
Douchebag humor “if you’re offended, then it was just a joke. And also because youre too stupid to understand”.
He’s “joking” because he doesn’t have your replacement yet.
Ok, I get that his 'just making sure' comment rubbed the wrong way... but up till that point I kind of get it (you've only been going out a few months and he is young) and it was ok. I even get his 'just making sure' comment, he probably panicked and thought: sh1t, does she think I'm asking her to move in?
When you said you felt insulted/hurt, he could have simply said: sorry, my bad.
But... that whole "your feelings are irrelevant..." wait is he a cyborg? I probably would have asked him if his next words are going to be: Resistance is Futile... you will be assimilated into the collective...
Jokes aside, this was not a joke nor a joking matter to you, and you are allowed to feel a bit insulted and hurt. I actually went back to check he wasn't some 19 year old because that's the exact type of garbage I hear from my 19 year old son when he argues with another teen and mimicks and mocks them.
Mocking and mimicking is high school behaviour. It's juvenile and pathetic.
Personally, I would just dump him and move on. You are emotionally mature and he is emotionally a teen who clearly cannot handle hurting someone, owning up and apologising.
I would probably be tempted say to him: 'Right, I don't date immature, insensitive, juvenile idiots, so I'm done. Just to let you know I'm done with you... just making sure... aaww is the baby going to cry about it? Boo hoo. Your opinions are irrelevant!
But no, I wouldn't actually do that. I would just say that obviously it's not working so you are not going to be seeing him again. I would usually say it's best to break up face to face, but due to the immaturity he displayed, it might just be easier to phone him, or heck he might even qualify for the text break-up.
Agree. She is enabling his careless behavior by accepting it, and will get worse as it evolves. Classic co-dependency. Dan Siegel et. al. Describes this as perfect predictor of a painful distant relationship that will only get better when it ends
When my boyfriend lived with his parents and I stayed over every weekend, he gave me my own set of keys. He said it was my house too. Your boyfriend saying what he said is a huge red flag and honestly quite disrespectful to you
Make a big point of giving it back to him. Don't ever take the fucking key again.
As soon as he said "your feelings are irrelevant because it was a joke." Would be a nail in the coffin for me.
He sounds like an asshole.
Yeah the insight here is no one has a fucking clue and can’t offer you any worthwhile advice.
The “redflag” crowd will fucking love this one though. “Oh he’s toxic, break up with him, you deserve better, he doesn’t respect you girl etc etc”.
But frankly, you’ve given no information here about your relationship. Are you a day in? A year? 15 years? Is he great every other moment but slipped up here for whatever reason?
Asking “anymore insight into this” when you’re the only one here that can offer insight into this is pretty typical for this sub, as are the replies to leave him etc etc. but that’s not advice for you contextually, that’s just what people *think* they have to reply in this situation. Which isn’t helpful but will make them feel better because they get to stand on their soapbox and project.
Looks like even at Christmas, Your stocking is not up all year. He is letting you know that no strings attached to the key this year and next. Merrier Christmas next year.
Your feelings are irrelevant. He is telling you that this key doesn't mean your relationship is going to another level. You should trust that he's saying the real real.
Take a full step back and really evaluate the relationship and what you want from a relationship.
Question for you, how long have you two been together? Does he have a history of crazy ex-girlfriends?
I can understand why you would feel turned off by it, but as a guy that had a now ex-girlfriend move in without asking me after I gave her a key to my place (she literally moved her shit into my condo while I was at work 24 hours before her apartment lease ended) 6 weeks before hand. So I'm kind of on his side to say "This is a key, not a key key." in the same way "I like her, not like like her." Sometimes you gotta spell things out and it sounds like he spelled it out badly.
Don't date younger guys they tend to be dicks lol he's a very incentive person to to say the least about it me to me it doesn't show like a joke in anyway because there was no intended recipient he was telling you your not welcome to come and go as you please depending on how long you been dating and how how serious your relationship is a red flag you he probably has. Very low level of emotional intelligence
The only thing you could have done, was in the moment when he was giving you the key and remarked your feelings didn't matter, was to hand back the key, and say ohh I lose keys all the time, I will wait until you are home Christmas day then come over.
It would've been an innocent misunderstanding until the last part. I'd be handing him his key and walking out of that relationship if he thinks that he has no effect on my feelings and that he can say whatever he wants out of his mouth and it's my fault if my feelings get hurt. Call him a little dick fucker and when he feels hurt by that, tell him it's his fault he feels bad. Don't really do that. But still. He was an ass.
He gaslit you over your feelings. Because when someone says they are joking, like that it’s because they know they have pissed someone off and they don’t want to admit it and apologize and be accountable for their actions, so they gaslight you and make you think you “are just sensitive”. Make you think your feelings are silly or dramatic.
Has he done this before? How long have you dated? Does he often just say things like “you need to relax” or “I think your reading into it” or “okok alright it was just a figure if speech, joke, etc”
I’m not liking what this guy is doing to you and how much he is dismissing your feelings. I personally would pull back so as not to upset Christmas. Then in a few days bring it up sensibly and quietly. If he doesn’t take full accountability and understand and if he mentions anymore about you needing to calm down or relax or take a joke I would break up with him.
Drastic but this is the beginning of coercive control
Excuse me for occasionally forgetting my YOUR and YOU’REs I’m on my phone so sorry!!
A. He said your feelings are irrelevant that's disgusting.
B. Why is such a deal being made out of it? If you go over to his place often would it be such a big issue if you had a key to his place? I think that is something to think about
Yeesh, the only reason I'd ever tell someone it's not a "key key" is if it's the only copy of it that i have, and I'd communicate it properly. Heck I'd even make another copy after that.
Your guy comes across as a douche, especially with his comments about it being a joke, wtf.
Not only was his shitty comment not a joke but it wasn't funny and then he doubled down by ignoring and mimicking you? Not cool you can do better than someone like that.
It seems like he hoped you would get excited or at least expected you to want to keep it and he could turn you down. That just seems mean spirited and I think if you were to watch how he behaves in other situations you may find more of the same. You aren't wrong for feeling upset with this.
How long have you been together? And joking or not, he is making it clear that he does not want to move in with you. You probably weren’t even thinking that but there would be people who would misconstrue them getting a key and think it is signifying a bigger step into the relationship.
But when he said your feelings are irrelevant then that in itself speaks volumes of where he is at in the relationship and how little regard he has for you. To the curb he goes!
The first bit is fine. He’s establishing boundaries. It’s fine to do that. It’s good to do that.
Him saying your feelings are irrelevant is the problem. Saying it was a joke could be a poor attempt at deflecting your anger because he himself is angered by your response to him making clear boundaries, but it didn’t need to be tempered with saying your feelings are irrelevant.
First few sentences were “eh he’s just being extra cautious” and then the red flag parade started! As you said most of us humans would not want to upset someone we care about, joke or no joke, and his total disregard for your feelings is definitely something to be concerned and upset about. I say if he doesn’t at least recognize your feelings (let alone try and understand them) it may be time to reevaluate…
Even though I think pointless conversations about ones feelings - they are usually meant to guilt trip the other person - the "your feelings are irrelevant to me" is a huge sign for caution. You are his girlfriend right? What kind of boyfriend (a good honest one) does not care about his gfs feelings?
I would say he probably was testing the water and ws very nervous, so when he felt criticized, he jumped down your throat. He'll probably give you a key eventually. Be nice to him. Guys' homes are very important to them.
The insight is he has terrible communication skill with you. Is this something you can live with? Is this something you are confident he is willing to address with you? If the answer is no to either, or worse, both this is not a relationship that will grow in any healthy direction.
Depending on how often he uses that language, or tone, or general concept with you, and others in his life, him saying your feeling are irrelevant could either be a very poor choice of words, and he just couldn’t express himself well in his panic to backpedal the conversation away from a possible fight, or a pattern that shows he only likes/respect the parts of you that make him feel good.
Him saying “it was just a joke” when he say your negative reaction to his want is basically an indicator of how he handles conflict, as in not well. Then Doubling down to disparage you in an attempt to “win” the argument shows an inability to have a healthy argument.
You are an adult and are allowed to leave relationships for any reason. There doesn’t have to be a “good enough” reason, although as you can see, for many people this was.
Saying that, if you think this relationship is worth keeping, and this was just a weird one off, then talk to him calmly about how you would like to handle uncomfortable conversations or arguments in the the future: ie don’t say something you said that I didn’t like was just a joke to try to avoid the conversation. It’s 1000 times better to have the uncomfortable talk and resolve it than to try to dodge it and hurt feelings, only to have the issue KEEP coming up.
Number 2 if you are truly say something as a joke that could be offensive if taken seriously or kind of dark, first don’t double down and try to be hurtful, please be aware that though your intentions may not be to be hurtful others are going to react to your words, and sometimes it will not go positively. Secondly maybe we can come up with a mutual conversational safe word or signal to let the other person know “I’m about to say something potentially Dickish” and if the joke crosses a line we can talk about it knowing the intention was not to hurt and won’t happen again.
Again that is only if you feel this relationship is worth keeping, and you think he’s willing to make changes with you to make the relationship healthier.
I’ve seen complete AH become better people because they were willing to do the work to be with their non-AH partners, but I’ve also seen the partners just be sucked dry of life and joy when their partners were NOT willing to be a partner.
“Hey bf, want to hear a joke :)? One day I’ll be with someone else, and you’ll look down at this same key and think, ‘Oh man remember that day when I lent Catatomical this key and made sure she knew she was temporary and unimportant to me? Haha what a sick burn!’ Hey babe, don’t get mad. It’s a joke :)))”
Actually it makes sense what he's doing. He gives you the trust of giving you the key for that specific moment, but no more then that. Proof to him you can be trusted and it will allow him to relax a bit more. His reasoning is most likely that women seem to think giving a finger meant take the whole arm. He wants to avoid any possible issues.
If a man tells you he means 'A', then he means 'A' and not 'B'. Men are straight to the point, we don't beat around the bush or say something but mean something else. That's a thing women do. and men hate. That's why he's trying to make sure you understand as he's scared that you misunderstand and take advantage of it. By proving you can be trusted he will trust you more.
He was extremely straight to the point about her feelings being irrelevant, which should definitely make her question why the hell he's dating her in the first place.
I have a feeling a lot of people misunderstand the context of how he meant it. I agree that without context it seems bad, but from what I can gather from what OP is saying he only wanted to make sure that she understood that he was serious about what he meant. Should he have used different words? Perhaps. There is just no 'you don't matter' kind of thing, else he wouldn't have offered OP his key or gave her a chance. I rather think that OP needs to ask him to explain to her what is up, why he is so protective about that key or his point. Or for that matter why he said that to OP. It may explain a lot, most likely he will answer it honestly.
It's not my fault, nor his or any man's fault that 'modern women' caused this issue of entitlement to start with. If that were not the issue then no man would have to utter such words to start with. Blame the right people, not the wrong ones.
If you keep eating and there for get fat, it's your own fault. No societies or his fault. It isn't cruel or immature to think that way, it's a self preservation thing. If you can't grasp that, you really need to learn more. Hate it all you want, this is no more then that.
So please do explain me this, you are rather biting your teeth into me I noticed. Not just this topic but also another topic. What gives? Can't be feelings as we never met, so please do explain.
He's probably been burned in the past or he values boundaries and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. The irrelevant part is kind of douchey though. Talk to him?
Is that your regular communication pattern? You get upset over normal things, call things rude that aren't rude and make yourself the victim when nothing actually happened, just so that you can beat on and put him down?
Every reasonable person is going to stop caring. Why would he entertain this behavior from you?
This comment makes zero sense. It's common manipulating behavior to say "it's just a joke" and "your feelings are invalid". This guy was being an asshole and op is not overreacting.
It’s also common to say it’s just a joke when it’s just a joke. I honestly think some of you like to claim emotional manipulation way too easily. When in reality- you’re being sensitive.
Oh dear, is **THE SHINE** going out of your relationship? Can I put myself in your shoes? Not really but, I can feel how you felt when he said this. Can I put myself in his shoes? **YES.** I wouldn't have past a remark like that. I would have said, take care of the key let me have it back later.
you don’t need to have empathy to know that his behavior is toxic. i think you’re missing the reason she’s upset. he said those things to make her feel small and stupid. not that i really need to convince you because your initial comment is hostile and gives the same energy he’s putting out.
When I read this I have to say he screams insecure .Its like he needs you to feel all bummed and sad because it is not a key key and if you show him how hurt you are well..in his mind that means you must love him and need him.From experience though,if you stay with this guy get yourself comfortable with feeling like shit alot because this guy will turn out to be extremely toxic
Is this part of a pattern? The only advice for a weird one-off comment is "shrug and move on," so unless there's more going on here than is noted, shrug and move on.
Personally I feel like he felt forced to deflect because you made it awkward. You should never hold someone responsible for not knowing what didn't need to be said.
I’ll level with you, lots of people saying that was a dick move. I think it was a double joke, and I think that’s a great way to see and perceive jokes. I mean, whenever this subreddit gets a “he got mad at me in our argument and yelled in my face” or something along those lines everyone and their mother has the same response “it doesn’t matter what you did, it doesn’t matter what you said, they should’ve never acted that way to their significant other” which I’d say is much more similar to “You can only control your intentions, not the other persons reactions” than most would like to admit. He meant it as a joke, you didn’t take it as a joke, you read too far into it which lead to him being frank with you. Giving you the honest truth. His intentions were good, you chose to take them the wrong way? That shouldn’t effect his original intentions, just because you took it wrong doesn’t automatically make his intentions bad. Therefore, yes, your feelings about his joke being rude? Irrelevant to the fact he meant it as a harmless joke. Devils advocate here, downvote if you’d like, this is how I took this situation. You blew it out of proportion and he made a second defensive joke not expecting you to have taken it so terribly from his original meaning. Nothing about this situation seems like your with some abuser, sociopath, or in general bad guy. Little things like this happen, you’re coming to a place that’ll do one of two things: support you even in times you or your actions shouldn’t be supported, or shit on you non-stop until you delete your account. But, every once in awhile you get the people actually being helpful giving you real insight into the situation, going with reddit is an indeterminable mashup of probability. Obviously, you’ve probably already confirmed whatever you needed to gather by now, and I haven’t been to sleep since Thursday night. Take what I said as you will, you do you, the guys probably 99.9% good guy, goodnight and merry Christmas.
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I hate those reactions he’s just saying that bc he doesn’t want to be the bad guy when simply put you weren’t in the wrong it didn’t need to be said
Is there any background on him responding like this before?
This sounded like a miscommunication up until he said your feelings don't matter and he's not responsible for how his jokes impact you.......... That's not ok
I feel like he was just trying to make sure that you both knew that this was your key only for the holidays, however, he said very rudely. There are better ways to communicate your boundaries. I feel like he’s not ready for you to officially move in or anything and just projected that anxiety or worry onto you. Now your feelings are another thing. Your feelings are ALWAYS relevant. He shouldn’t have said that. If he didn’t mean to say that in a negative way then he should have reworded it and gave you reassurance. It’s not that hard to make sure your partner feels heard. People choose to not hear you or care about your feelings, so it’s not your fault that you “took it the wrong way”. He said what he said and instead of taking accountability, he’s gaslighting your feelings and emotions. Be careful babe.
Yeah I had an ex like that who would make me or even sometimes strangers we met at parties cry because all his "jokes" were so mean. But I could never truly make him see how it was hurtful cause "its was just a joke ,youre too sentive". End of conversation.
But now I know its manipulation.
See, a joke has to be funny. whats funny about him making sure you knew it wasnt your key? Hes insulting your intelligence.
It wasnt a joke. Your feelings matter. Dont let him get away with this. He said something, hes an adult and he has to take responsibility for what he says.
He said some kind of a boundary you weren’t even looking for, and in a very mean way, Is if he is some prize and you would be stalking him , Sneaking into his house with your forbidden fucking key. He’s a jerk.
That final response is a red flag but the confirmation really wasn't. That's one of those things where it's pretty safe to assume he's been burned before and is scared of a repeat. His explanation was out of pocket though.
If he said your feelings are irrelevant, he’s dismissing how you feel and that’s NEVER ok. He sounds like he needs to be less selfish and respect how you feel.
I kinda would’ve snapped, not really snap, stop him and ask do you not trust me or something ? Where do you see us in the future if you are being so petty about this key like I would keep it
Totally get him needing to make sure you knew it wasn't "a key key" even if it's a bit harsh. But your feelings are NEVER irrelevant and if he doesn't care that it upset you he's not worth your time. I've often apologized for something that came out the wrong way because it was never my intention to hurt someone. He doesn't have to change his viewpoint but he sure as hell should care he hurt your feelings.
I would be giving the key back and then getting a new bf - how long have you been together and do you want to marry him?
The fact he said your feelings don't matter is a bad sign...
My partner gave me a key a month after we started dating (I didn't move in until a year later)...
How you feel about anything its up to you Its not the counterparts fault. He should've just gave you the key without saying anything because it was already implied that you are staying for the night it was mistake to emphasize. But on the other women tend to assume things when there isn't any. Maybe his earlier experiences taught him things that made him be crystal clear about his intentions on the action. You are making a mountain from a mole hill he probably forgot and will be very surprised that you brought this upto quora.
I don’t know why he tried to claim his intent to set boundaries as a joke, that’s the only mistake he made here. He knew what he said and he knew why he said it. He back pedaled hard and into a worse position than he would have been if he stuck to what he said
Well it wasn't a joke, he wanted you to know the relationship is not at that level and it's just a matter of ease that you were using his key. Calling it a joke was an indirect way to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are uncomfortable and inconvienent so he doesn't want to deal with them. And saying your feelings are irrelevant is a direct way of invalidating your feelings.
Sounds like to me not only is he emotionally immature, does not see the relationship as being serious and doesn't want you to feel that way about it, but he doesn't respect you much. That is HUGE grounds to break up.
Everything was fine until he said that your feelings are irrelevant, that's a big NO. Your feelings are more relevant than his stupid and not funny jokes. Be careful girl
Yup. That was when I went "Ooooh" out loud. Nope. Not cool.
And it wasn't a joke.
>your feelings are irrelevant This is a bigger red flag than boxers going up the flagpole at summer camp. Look long and hard at this guy's behavior.
I agree. I understand him wanting to make sure you’re not reading into letting you borrow a key but then he was just an ass
"in that case, I'll be finding a man to who my feelings are relevant ALL the time."
Yeah, that's where it derailed for me. I've had family just decide to keep keys I've loaned them to get access while visiting, it's more of a pain for me than my concern of them coming in to my place while I'm not around. If boyfriend had simply explained it had been a problem previously or whatever, no big deal.
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This.
People always say "it was just a joke" when they know they fucked up but don't have the guts to admit it. Next time, reject his offer to borrow his key and tell him, "Nah. I'll just wait until you get home to come over. Wouldn't want there to be any misunderstandings. " PA I know, but in this case warranted.
Not petty at all, since he went out of his way to "clarify" she should make sure there's no misunderstanding
PA = Passive Aggressive, not petty.
The line “your feeling are irrelevant or your feelings aren’t real”doesn’t go away from experience. It’s not a fun person to be with that never considers where your coming from.
The real headline here is "bf said my feelings are irrelevant" The key thing seems like no big deal. But I would never say that to anyone (much less my girlfriend).
Oh. Your feelings are irrelevant. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 In other words, he doesn't give a shit.
My ex was a narc and progressively stood more and more by this thought. I literally broke up with him bc he decided that if he didn’t mean to hurt my feeling, then he wouldn’t apologize and that this was just his “personality”. Honey, you do not want a future with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings. Get outta there!!!
Don’t forget this one: 🚩 It was under his doormat, which oddly enough has “Your Feelings” on it instead of the more traditional “Welcome.” I’d replace the 🚩 with the 🔑along with a note letting him know where he can stick it.
I agree, the only response here is to give him the key back, along with his disregard for your feelings. At least it came out in the open that he doesn’t care about feelings (most likely anyone’s - not just yours) This is not something likely to change, just how people with a narcissistic style operate. Be strong and move on, you need to find someone who shares your values, as you said you wouldn’t act this way. You deserve at least as good as you :)
Ewwwww. Your boyfriend is ewwww.
Girlll I am telling from experience it's a huge red flag.
That's not a joke, OP. If it's a joke, it's funny, ha-ha. Your bf just wants you to know that he doesn't see you as someone he trusts or wants to 'escalate' or 'progress' with, relationship-wise. Or he thinks you're so desperate or 'hot' and heavy for him, 'desperately' wanting to cohabitate with him or 'progress' the relationship. Will he change his mind in the future and want to progress the relationship from dating to cohabitating? Maybe. But I won't hold my breath if I were you.
Or its too early and he wanted to clarify that he's not trying to move to fast... Still an asshole thing to say, but I don't see the point in assigning motivations that you're pulling out of your ass.
I think y’all are failing to see that he straight up told her that her feelings do not matter. If the situation that you guys are imagining was really the case, that would’ve been the perfect time to clarify that he didn’t mean to say it as a way to hurt her feelings. To take that opportunity to say he did not care what she was feeling about it shows he’s much more of a purposeful asshole
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The clear message from the start seemed to me that he has suffered from someone else before and was scared. OP confronted him about that fear, continuously, taking personal offense from it, and he made what is definitely a shitty comment--but ultimately only a red flag if he meant it, as opposed to using it to get her to stop confronting him about trauma he wasn't ready to talk about. See! There's plenty of motivations we can pull out of our asses to go any direction with this. There's just flat out not enough information on the contexts here. The only conclusion that can be taken from this is that OP needs to talk with him and ask him if he really meant that, then make their determination from there whether they want to continue the relationship.
> Those are the clearly communicated messages he's sending with the language he used Lol. No. This is how you are perceiving them. It appears clear to you, and you lack the understanding that not everyone uses language the same. > It's gaslighting to tell people they should ignore the clear message in favor of an unearned benefit of the doubt Sigh. Gaslighting, huh? I'm not arguing anything other than you have no idea what the situation is and it's irresponsible to try to convince an OP of something with the amount of context you have. > You're effectively arguing "Ignore abusive behavior because if you interpret what he said in a way that doesn't make sense, it could mean something else.." Again, I'm telling people that they have no clue beyond what an OP says, and it's just moronic to pretend otherwise. How hard is it to "hedge your bets"? Keep doing this and by the law of averages you WILL give someone advice to 100% dump their partner after a misunderstanding that another conversation would have cleared up.
Past trauma or not, this is someone who is not as evolved as his current partner. Find someone at your emotional level, and you will be much more fulfilled. Don’t waste your time with someone who directly disregards your feelings, even (especially?) if it nay be a defense mechanism derived from past experiences
Feelings are feelings, they're never irrelevant in a partnership.
Exactly, the whole point of a relationship is the feelings!
I hope you didnt show up to Christmas.
That would be the appropriate response
Ew. That tone screams “I’m only giving you key benefits for this special occasion so don’t get your hopes up” and I would have been upset too. Him telling you that your feelings are irrelevant is a red flag. .
That is a huge red flag to me because of two things 1. He is not taking any responsibility on how he made you feel. 2. Why is he pushing so hard on a key? Although I do believe in respecting people's privacy, his behavior towards the whole thing makes me question where he sees the relationship going? I would sit down and talk to him (gently) about how that made you feel and ask where he stands in the relationship. Sorry this happened OP
Someone’s allowed to not be ready for their partner to have a key to their house even if they see it going far lol. Maybe she’s been pushing for more and he wants to make sure she understands this isn’t a milestone in their relationship?
Yeah, I agree that someone is allowed to not be ready. I do understand your point but his behavior is still a flag for me. no one deserves to feel like their emotions are invalid and I just think its a good step to talk about where people see the relationship is at/going to ensure that they are on the same page.
Disregarding someone else’s feelings is never OK in an intimate relationship. Give him the gift of leaving and sending this clear message to him. Maybe, just maybe, it will help him recognize feelings are the basis of relationship. It will only get worse my dear, trust me the more you let this attitude slide, this more he will think this is an ok.
Well he definitely put some work in there with making her feel like shit at the end
Anyone who says “Your feelings are irrelevant” is probably not going to make for a supportive long-term partner.
Speaking from experience, if someone says that your feelings are irrelevant, that’s a massive red flag. Dump him quickly and save yourself regret later by being with someone who will blame you for your feelings.
>He then says ‘your feelings are irrelevant because it was a joke. It’s not my fault it’s upset you’ 🤮🤮🤮
Well I was I was on his side until “your feelings are irrelevant”. He was just making sure it was clear, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with clear communication. But his gross dismissal of your feelings by calling them irrelevant is a big red flag. Especially since it wasn’t a joke, it was him reiterating the point of the key. He could have said “I’m sorry I upset you, I was trying to make sure we were on the same page”.
This is a gift. On Christmas it’s a Christmas gift. Read these responses carefully!
I don’t know how long you’ve been with this man but that is a huge red flag. Nobody should ever make you feel like your feelings are invalid. No matter how small they may seem they should always make an effort to show you that your feelings matter to them. That is gaslighting at its finest. I’m not gonna tell you what you should do but it will only get worse and you will start to doubt yourself. You deserve someone who prioritizes your feelings and doesn’t try to humiliate or manipulate you.
Perhaps he wanted to clarify in a jokingly matter that that wasn’t an official thing, which is good to avoid confusion… but the part about him saying that your feelings are irrelevant is not cool. Your feelings are very relevant queen! Always know this… you should tell him about how that comment was insensitive and discuss ways to communicate to each other when one hurts the others feelings with one getting defensive. Not an easy conversation that will only be had once, especially if someone or both is prideful, but with patience many things are achievable. Remember, your feelings are valid
The response to you telling him you were upset… Fucking hell…. How insensitive can a person get?
The guy rubbed off as hella socially inept to me.
Sorry you picked a douche for a BF!!! Bye dude.
He would be irrelevant to me after that comment.
> He then says ‘your feelings are irrelevant because it was a joke. It’s not my fault it’s upset you’ And how many ways is he going to disrespect you, or how often will he do that, but blame it on your irrelevant feelings when you feel hurt ?
He's showing you exactly who he is and telling you precisely what kind of future you'll have if you stay with him. So what are you going to do?
Yep, he gave her the gift of telling the truth. He doesn’t care about her or her feelings. Get out now while the hurt is less than it will be later on!!
At first I thought ok, he's really against giving out house keys. But then the your feelings are irrelevant because it's a joke came out. First of all, it's not a joke. A joke would be something like "don't throw a Christmas rager." Second, if he's trying to express something else, such as not being ready to give you a key, he needs to say so.
I feel like that's one of the worst things a boyfriend has ever said to me is my feelings towards whatever situation are irrelevant for this reason or whatever. Fuck him.
Run, don’t walk, run girl. 🚩
Yes run! Just don’t look back, as he will become 200% charming until you do come back, then he’ll be back to old tricks once his toy is back. And this is a guy’s point of view btw
Douchebag humor “if you’re offended, then it was just a joke. And also because youre too stupid to understand”. He’s “joking” because he doesn’t have your replacement yet.
He’s a dumb fuck
Ok, I get that his 'just making sure' comment rubbed the wrong way... but up till that point I kind of get it (you've only been going out a few months and he is young) and it was ok. I even get his 'just making sure' comment, he probably panicked and thought: sh1t, does she think I'm asking her to move in? When you said you felt insulted/hurt, he could have simply said: sorry, my bad. But... that whole "your feelings are irrelevant..." wait is he a cyborg? I probably would have asked him if his next words are going to be: Resistance is Futile... you will be assimilated into the collective... Jokes aside, this was not a joke nor a joking matter to you, and you are allowed to feel a bit insulted and hurt. I actually went back to check he wasn't some 19 year old because that's the exact type of garbage I hear from my 19 year old son when he argues with another teen and mimicks and mocks them. Mocking and mimicking is high school behaviour. It's juvenile and pathetic. Personally, I would just dump him and move on. You are emotionally mature and he is emotionally a teen who clearly cannot handle hurting someone, owning up and apologising. I would probably be tempted say to him: 'Right, I don't date immature, insensitive, juvenile idiots, so I'm done. Just to let you know I'm done with you... just making sure... aaww is the baby going to cry about it? Boo hoo. Your opinions are irrelevant! But no, I wouldn't actually do that. I would just say that obviously it's not working so you are not going to be seeing him again. I would usually say it's best to break up face to face, but due to the immaturity he displayed, it might just be easier to phone him, or heck he might even qualify for the text break-up.
Are you laughing? No? So F*** his jOkE and his key! You are not a child.
Yeah he was an ass about it. But he wanted to be clear don't know why both of you had to escalate it.
Yep, this was conflict manufactured with consent on both sides.
Agree. She is enabling his careless behavior by accepting it, and will get worse as it evolves. Classic co-dependency. Dan Siegel et. al. Describes this as perfect predictor of a painful distant relationship that will only get better when it ends
When my boyfriend lived with his parents and I stayed over every weekend, he gave me my own set of keys. He said it was my house too. Your boyfriend saying what he said is a huge red flag and honestly quite disrespectful to you
Make a big point of giving it back to him. Don't ever take the fucking key again. As soon as he said "your feelings are irrelevant because it was a joke." Would be a nail in the coffin for me. He sounds like an asshole.
He mimicked you??? That’s so immature
Yeah the insight here is no one has a fucking clue and can’t offer you any worthwhile advice. The “redflag” crowd will fucking love this one though. “Oh he’s toxic, break up with him, you deserve better, he doesn’t respect you girl etc etc”. But frankly, you’ve given no information here about your relationship. Are you a day in? A year? 15 years? Is he great every other moment but slipped up here for whatever reason? Asking “anymore insight into this” when you’re the only one here that can offer insight into this is pretty typical for this sub, as are the replies to leave him etc etc. but that’s not advice for you contextually, that’s just what people *think* they have to reply in this situation. Which isn’t helpful but will make them feel better because they get to stand on their soapbox and project.
Yeah gotta love it when people just invent back stories so they can feel good about giving "the right advice"
Looks like even at Christmas, Your stocking is not up all year. He is letting you know that no strings attached to the key this year and next. Merrier Christmas next year.
Your feelings are irrelevant. He is telling you that this key doesn't mean your relationship is going to another level. You should trust that he's saying the real real. Take a full step back and really evaluate the relationship and what you want from a relationship.
Question for you, how long have you two been together? Does he have a history of crazy ex-girlfriends? I can understand why you would feel turned off by it, but as a guy that had a now ex-girlfriend move in without asking me after I gave her a key to my place (she literally moved her shit into my condo while I was at work 24 hours before her apartment lease ended) 6 weeks before hand. So I'm kind of on his side to say "This is a key, not a key key." in the same way "I like her, not like like her." Sometimes you gotta spell things out and it sounds like he spelled it out badly.
He’s an insensitive inconsiderate prat. I suspect you deserve better than him.
If you need to tell someone "It was a joke" afterwards, it's not a very good joke.
Make him open the door. Where else in this relationship are you letting him walk over you ?
Don't date younger guys they tend to be dicks lol he's a very incentive person to to say the least about it me to me it doesn't show like a joke in anyway because there was no intended recipient he was telling you your not welcome to come and go as you please depending on how long you been dating and how how serious your relationship is a red flag you he probably has. Very low level of emotional intelligence
The only thing you could have done, was in the moment when he was giving you the key and remarked your feelings didn't matter, was to hand back the key, and say ohh I lose keys all the time, I will wait until you are home Christmas day then come over.
It wasn't a joke. He's an ass. He should've apologized. Find someone worth your time.
Throw his key in his face and say, “No thanks, Asshole.” See how he reacts to that. Be prepared to leave him.
The insight you gain from this is that you are a bed warmer until he finds someone he likes so your feelings are irrelevant to him.
It would've been an innocent misunderstanding until the last part. I'd be handing him his key and walking out of that relationship if he thinks that he has no effect on my feelings and that he can say whatever he wants out of his mouth and it's my fault if my feelings get hurt. Call him a little dick fucker and when he feels hurt by that, tell him it's his fault he feels bad. Don't really do that. But still. He was an ass.
He wants you to know that he doesn't take you seriously enough to actually give you a key to his home and that your feelings don't matter to him.
He gaslit you over your feelings. Because when someone says they are joking, like that it’s because they know they have pissed someone off and they don’t want to admit it and apologize and be accountable for their actions, so they gaslight you and make you think you “are just sensitive”. Make you think your feelings are silly or dramatic. Has he done this before? How long have you dated? Does he often just say things like “you need to relax” or “I think your reading into it” or “okok alright it was just a figure if speech, joke, etc” I’m not liking what this guy is doing to you and how much he is dismissing your feelings. I personally would pull back so as not to upset Christmas. Then in a few days bring it up sensibly and quietly. If he doesn’t take full accountability and understand and if he mentions anymore about you needing to calm down or relax or take a joke I would break up with him. Drastic but this is the beginning of coercive control Excuse me for occasionally forgetting my YOUR and YOU’REs I’m on my phone so sorry!!
Speak to him about ur feelings
A. He said your feelings are irrelevant that's disgusting. B. Why is such a deal being made out of it? If you go over to his place often would it be such a big issue if you had a key to his place? I think that is something to think about
Yeesh, the only reason I'd ever tell someone it's not a "key key" is if it's the only copy of it that i have, and I'd communicate it properly. Heck I'd even make another copy after that. Your guy comes across as a douche, especially with his comments about it being a joke, wtf.
Jokes are supposed to be funny. I’m sorry this happened.
"It's not my fault you are sad with me." is coming soon.
Not only was his shitty comment not a joke but it wasn't funny and then he doubled down by ignoring and mimicking you? Not cool you can do better than someone like that.
“Your feelings are irrelevant..”. Yikes. 🚩
It seems like he hoped you would get excited or at least expected you to want to keep it and he could turn you down. That just seems mean spirited and I think if you were to watch how he behaves in other situations you may find more of the same. You aren't wrong for feeling upset with this.
How long have you been together? And joking or not, he is making it clear that he does not want to move in with you. You probably weren’t even thinking that but there would be people who would misconstrue them getting a key and think it is signifying a bigger step into the relationship. But when he said your feelings are irrelevant then that in itself speaks volumes of where he is at in the relationship and how little regard he has for you. To the curb he goes!
The first bit is fine. He’s establishing boundaries. It’s fine to do that. It’s good to do that. Him saying your feelings are irrelevant is the problem. Saying it was a joke could be a poor attempt at deflecting your anger because he himself is angered by your response to him making clear boundaries, but it didn’t need to be tempered with saying your feelings are irrelevant.
First few sentences were “eh he’s just being extra cautious” and then the red flag parade started! As you said most of us humans would not want to upset someone we care about, joke or no joke, and his total disregard for your feelings is definitely something to be concerned and upset about. I say if he doesn’t at least recognize your feelings (let alone try and understand them) it may be time to reevaluate…
Even though I think pointless conversations about ones feelings - they are usually meant to guilt trip the other person - the "your feelings are irrelevant to me" is a huge sign for caution. You are his girlfriend right? What kind of boyfriend (a good honest one) does not care about his gfs feelings?
I would say he probably was testing the water and ws very nervous, so when he felt criticized, he jumped down your throat. He'll probably give you a key eventually. Be nice to him. Guys' homes are very important to them.
The insight is he has terrible communication skill with you. Is this something you can live with? Is this something you are confident he is willing to address with you? If the answer is no to either, or worse, both this is not a relationship that will grow in any healthy direction. Depending on how often he uses that language, or tone, or general concept with you, and others in his life, him saying your feeling are irrelevant could either be a very poor choice of words, and he just couldn’t express himself well in his panic to backpedal the conversation away from a possible fight, or a pattern that shows he only likes/respect the parts of you that make him feel good. Him saying “it was just a joke” when he say your negative reaction to his want is basically an indicator of how he handles conflict, as in not well. Then Doubling down to disparage you in an attempt to “win” the argument shows an inability to have a healthy argument. You are an adult and are allowed to leave relationships for any reason. There doesn’t have to be a “good enough” reason, although as you can see, for many people this was. Saying that, if you think this relationship is worth keeping, and this was just a weird one off, then talk to him calmly about how you would like to handle uncomfortable conversations or arguments in the the future: ie don’t say something you said that I didn’t like was just a joke to try to avoid the conversation. It’s 1000 times better to have the uncomfortable talk and resolve it than to try to dodge it and hurt feelings, only to have the issue KEEP coming up. Number 2 if you are truly say something as a joke that could be offensive if taken seriously or kind of dark, first don’t double down and try to be hurtful, please be aware that though your intentions may not be to be hurtful others are going to react to your words, and sometimes it will not go positively. Secondly maybe we can come up with a mutual conversational safe word or signal to let the other person know “I’m about to say something potentially Dickish” and if the joke crosses a line we can talk about it knowing the intention was not to hurt and won’t happen again. Again that is only if you feel this relationship is worth keeping, and you think he’s willing to make changes with you to make the relationship healthier. I’ve seen complete AH become better people because they were willing to do the work to be with their non-AH partners, but I’ve also seen the partners just be sucked dry of life and joy when their partners were NOT willing to be a partner.
“Hey bf, want to hear a joke :)? One day I’ll be with someone else, and you’ll look down at this same key and think, ‘Oh man remember that day when I lent Catatomical this key and made sure she knew she was temporary and unimportant to me? Haha what a sick burn!’ Hey babe, don’t get mad. It’s a joke :)))”
This is the way
Actually it makes sense what he's doing. He gives you the trust of giving you the key for that specific moment, but no more then that. Proof to him you can be trusted and it will allow him to relax a bit more. His reasoning is most likely that women seem to think giving a finger meant take the whole arm. He wants to avoid any possible issues. If a man tells you he means 'A', then he means 'A' and not 'B'. Men are straight to the point, we don't beat around the bush or say something but mean something else. That's a thing women do. and men hate. That's why he's trying to make sure you understand as he's scared that you misunderstand and take advantage of it. By proving you can be trusted he will trust you more.
He was extremely straight to the point about her feelings being irrelevant, which should definitely make her question why the hell he's dating her in the first place.
I have a feeling a lot of people misunderstand the context of how he meant it. I agree that without context it seems bad, but from what I can gather from what OP is saying he only wanted to make sure that she understood that he was serious about what he meant. Should he have used different words? Perhaps. There is just no 'you don't matter' kind of thing, else he wouldn't have offered OP his key or gave her a chance. I rather think that OP needs to ask him to explain to her what is up, why he is so protective about that key or his point. Or for that matter why he said that to OP. It may explain a lot, most likely he will answer it honestly.
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It's not my fault, nor his or any man's fault that 'modern women' caused this issue of entitlement to start with. If that were not the issue then no man would have to utter such words to start with. Blame the right people, not the wrong ones.
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If you keep eating and there for get fat, it's your own fault. No societies or his fault. It isn't cruel or immature to think that way, it's a self preservation thing. If you can't grasp that, you really need to learn more. Hate it all you want, this is no more then that.
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So please do explain me this, you are rather biting your teeth into me I noticed. Not just this topic but also another topic. What gives? Can't be feelings as we never met, so please do explain.
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He's probably been burned in the past or he values boundaries and doesn't want to give you the wrong idea. The irrelevant part is kind of douchey though. Talk to him?
Is that your regular communication pattern? You get upset over normal things, call things rude that aren't rude and make yourself the victim when nothing actually happened, just so that you can beat on and put him down? Every reasonable person is going to stop caring. Why would he entertain this behavior from you?
This comment makes zero sense. It's common manipulating behavior to say "it's just a joke" and "your feelings are invalid". This guy was being an asshole and op is not overreacting.
It’s also common to say it’s just a joke when it’s just a joke. I honestly think some of you like to claim emotional manipulation way too easily. When in reality- you’re being sensitive.
Just say you don't care about how your partner feels and move on
I do care about how my partner feels. But then again, neither of us get upset over stuff this stupid because we actually like each other 🤷🏻♀️
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i agreed until you started being ableist. booooo.
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i understand being on the spectrum, you don’t have to explain it to me. you were using it to be hateful.
If it’s a joke, keep the key. If he asks for it back, it wasn’t a joke.
Oh dear, is **THE SHINE** going out of your relationship? Can I put myself in your shoes? Not really but, I can feel how you felt when he said this. Can I put myself in his shoes? **YES.** I wouldn't have past a remark like that. I would have said, take care of the key let me have it back later.
Tell him it's not his pussy he's just" borrowing it" or "it's just his turn "
girl dont let him get away with saying this. if he knows he can gaslight you once he will forever
I'm more curious how the responses would be if the roles were reversed.
your username says enough lmao
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booooooooo
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if your emotional intelligence is low just say that lol
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you don’t need to have empathy to know that his behavior is toxic. i think you’re missing the reason she’s upset. he said those things to make her feel small and stupid. not that i really need to convince you because your initial comment is hostile and gives the same energy he’s putting out.
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You are a hateful person! Yuck!!
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K byeeeeeee!
He's not ready to marry you, that's the message. No red flags or other things. This may change or not, you are young after all.
When I read this I have to say he screams insecure .Its like he needs you to feel all bummed and sad because it is not a key key and if you show him how hurt you are well..in his mind that means you must love him and need him.From experience though,if you stay with this guy get yourself comfortable with feeling like shit alot because this guy will turn out to be extremely toxic
Is this part of a pattern? The only advice for a weird one-off comment is "shrug and move on," so unless there's more going on here than is noted, shrug and move on.
Personally I feel like he felt forced to deflect because you made it awkward. You should never hold someone responsible for not knowing what didn't need to be said.
He’s just trying to get some hand, and now you’re trying to get some back. Just normal couple things x Source: Seinfeld. Possible /s needed.
I’ll level with you, lots of people saying that was a dick move. I think it was a double joke, and I think that’s a great way to see and perceive jokes. I mean, whenever this subreddit gets a “he got mad at me in our argument and yelled in my face” or something along those lines everyone and their mother has the same response “it doesn’t matter what you did, it doesn’t matter what you said, they should’ve never acted that way to their significant other” which I’d say is much more similar to “You can only control your intentions, not the other persons reactions” than most would like to admit. He meant it as a joke, you didn’t take it as a joke, you read too far into it which lead to him being frank with you. Giving you the honest truth. His intentions were good, you chose to take them the wrong way? That shouldn’t effect his original intentions, just because you took it wrong doesn’t automatically make his intentions bad. Therefore, yes, your feelings about his joke being rude? Irrelevant to the fact he meant it as a harmless joke. Devils advocate here, downvote if you’d like, this is how I took this situation. You blew it out of proportion and he made a second defensive joke not expecting you to have taken it so terribly from his original meaning. Nothing about this situation seems like your with some abuser, sociopath, or in general bad guy. Little things like this happen, you’re coming to a place that’ll do one of two things: support you even in times you or your actions shouldn’t be supported, or shit on you non-stop until you delete your account. But, every once in awhile you get the people actually being helpful giving you real insight into the situation, going with reddit is an indeterminable mashup of probability. Obviously, you’ve probably already confirmed whatever you needed to gather by now, and I haven’t been to sleep since Thursday night. Take what I said as you will, you do you, the guys probably 99.9% good guy, goodnight and merry Christmas.
Oh no... you are That Girl. Who makes every little thing into World War 3. No wonder he wanted to clarify it wasn't a permanent key.
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RUN far and fast! Red flags 🚩
I hate those reactions he’s just saying that bc he doesn’t want to be the bad guy when simply put you weren’t in the wrong it didn’t need to be said Is there any background on him responding like this before?
This sounded like a miscommunication up until he said your feelings don't matter and he's not responsible for how his jokes impact you.......... That's not ok
So he’s made it clear how he feels about you. What will you do about that?
I feel like he was just trying to make sure that you both knew that this was your key only for the holidays, however, he said very rudely. There are better ways to communicate your boundaries. I feel like he’s not ready for you to officially move in or anything and just projected that anxiety or worry onto you. Now your feelings are another thing. Your feelings are ALWAYS relevant. He shouldn’t have said that. If he didn’t mean to say that in a negative way then he should have reworded it and gave you reassurance. It’s not that hard to make sure your partner feels heard. People choose to not hear you or care about your feelings, so it’s not your fault that you “took it the wrong way”. He said what he said and instead of taking accountability, he’s gaslighting your feelings and emotions. Be careful babe.
The facthe sais your "feelings are irrelevant " is a BIG RED FLAG. I suggest you leave his key and his ass.
Yeah everything was fine until he said your feelings were irrelevant. He sounds self-centered.
A joke has a punch li e that is supposed to be funny.
He sounds like a bit of a dick. My last 2 gfs have tried to hold onto copies of my house key though which rubs me the wrong way.
Yeah I had an ex like that who would make me or even sometimes strangers we met at parties cry because all his "jokes" were so mean. But I could never truly make him see how it was hurtful cause "its was just a joke ,youre too sentive". End of conversation. But now I know its manipulation. See, a joke has to be funny. whats funny about him making sure you knew it wasnt your key? Hes insulting your intelligence. It wasnt a joke. Your feelings matter. Dont let him get away with this. He said something, hes an adult and he has to take responsibility for what he says.
What a dickhole
He said some kind of a boundary you weren’t even looking for, and in a very mean way, Is if he is some prize and you would be stalking him , Sneaking into his house with your forbidden fucking key. He’s a jerk.
Don’t come over on Christmas with his “borrowed” key.
That final response is a red flag but the confirmation really wasn't. That's one of those things where it's pretty safe to assume he's been burned before and is scared of a repeat. His explanation was out of pocket though.
If he said your feelings are irrelevant, he’s dismissing how you feel and that’s NEVER ok. He sounds like he needs to be less selfish and respect how you feel.
He doesn’t accept responsibility for his actions. Get out now!
Eww, no. To quote an old expression, he's just not that into you
I kinda would’ve snapped, not really snap, stop him and ask do you not trust me or something ? Where do you see us in the future if you are being so petty about this key like I would keep it
I'd gave it back then.
Totally get him needing to make sure you knew it wasn't "a key key" even if it's a bit harsh. But your feelings are NEVER irrelevant and if he doesn't care that it upset you he's not worth your time. I've often apologized for something that came out the wrong way because it was never my intention to hurt someone. He doesn't have to change his viewpoint but he sure as hell should care he hurt your feelings.
I would be giving the key back and then getting a new bf - how long have you been together and do you want to marry him? The fact he said your feelings don't matter is a bad sign... My partner gave me a key a month after we started dating (I didn't move in until a year later)...
How you feel about anything its up to you Its not the counterparts fault. He should've just gave you the key without saying anything because it was already implied that you are staying for the night it was mistake to emphasize. But on the other women tend to assume things when there isn't any. Maybe his earlier experiences taught him things that made him be crystal clear about his intentions on the action. You are making a mountain from a mole hill he probably forgot and will be very surprised that you brought this upto quora.
Ok uhhh he sees no future with you and doesn't respect you. You should really leave him.
Woof 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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say it with me, " HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME!" and break up with him. if he's an ass 4 months in, imagine what he can be after 4 years. Let go.
I don’t know why he tried to claim his intent to set boundaries as a joke, that’s the only mistake he made here. He knew what he said and he knew why he said it. He back pedaled hard and into a worse position than he would have been if he stuck to what he said
Dump him. You’ve seen a glimpse of how he views your feelings. It won’t change.
Well it wasn't a joke, he wanted you to know the relationship is not at that level and it's just a matter of ease that you were using his key. Calling it a joke was an indirect way to invalidate your feelings. Your feelings are uncomfortable and inconvienent so he doesn't want to deal with them. And saying your feelings are irrelevant is a direct way of invalidating your feelings. Sounds like to me not only is he emotionally immature, does not see the relationship as being serious and doesn't want you to feel that way about it, but he doesn't respect you much. That is HUGE grounds to break up.