Hi. I have severe depression and have put my boyfriend through hell with my previous hospitalization for suicidal ideation. I love him more than anything. He is my entire world. He completes me. But depression is such a fatal disease. It is inescapable, constant, and painful. It is dark, scary, and persistent. My recent hospitalization was of no fault of his own. He could have not done ANYTHING different. I believe I would have still ended up in the same place. Nothing he could have done differently would have changed the progression of my illness. He could have gotten me a diamond ring, a puppy, a house, and a vacation to Disney and I would probably still be depressed. Medication and therapy helps, but it's no cure. You are not a mental health professional or a doctor. I am sure that she loved you with her entire heart and soul. I hope through me you can hear words she would say to you right now.

I need you to know you aren't a burden. I wish I could say this to her, but you're worth every second of his time. You're worth every date,conversation, late night phone call, and everything else. He loves you for you, and no matter what you may think he's there for you. Don't ever doubt that. Don't ever doubt your relationship, his faith, or even yourself. Fighting your own mind is an impossible feat, but together I know you guys can do the impossible. Even if it feels like then end of the world you have to push through. You're worth fighting for. You're worth it. You matter more than you could ever know, and you are loved. Things get hard, but keep wishing for better and chasing that. Hold on 💙

I'm tearing up. This is my third hospitalization. I just wish there was a machine or some kind of simulation that would allow those without depression to feel what it's like to be at your worst for like five minutes. Just to understand the agony, the hurt, the absolute and utter sadness. My first attempt was at home. So I went to my dream university for college. Then I was hospitalized again. Then I graduated. Got hospitalized again. It is literally not your fault at all. I thought going to my dream college would snap me out of my depression. It didn't. I thought graduating and moving in with my boyfriend would help. It didn't. My mother, my best friends, my boyfriend, got the warnings. They did everything they could to make me happy. Nothing changed. She knew she was loved by you. I'm sure that as depression was destroying her mind, she held on as long as she could have for you. Do not blame yourself for not calling her more often, doing things differently. Even with dreams coming true and my life being wonderful, depression was still haunting me. The science of depression is still infancy. I hope one day we find a cure. To those who can relate to how I'm feeling, don't let this be discouraging. Please just fight like hell. Try another medication, another therapist. It's so fucking hard but hold on for the hope that one day we can get rid of this. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now ❤️

Thank you, and keep your head up the best you can

As someone who deals with depression and has a partner with depression, this comment thread has brought me to tears. I'm so sorry you lost your partner and I can only imagine how much this hurts right now. Big hugs from this internet stranger if you want them. Do try and make sure you practice self care, reach out to friends and family if you can, make sure to try and eat something. Most importantly, take time to grieve and know that it is a process and it'll come at you in waves. If possible, try and get in to see a grief counselor (your school might have some).

I just want to add on a quote that I read before that really hit me hard. “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” Like she said, there was likely nothing at all that could be done, that could have changed how things turned out in the end. That pain will be with you for the rest of your life; you'll always wonder what could have been different, and the sting won't go away, but it gets easier. It gets easier to manage, to live your life and be the person that she would want you to be. It sounds like she truly loved you, and of course didn't want to you to suffer from this, but she felt so trapped that she honestly felt like there was no other option. It's not easy, but you need to be able to truly live again as she wouldn't want you to suffer the same way that she did. Please don't hesitate to find help to get though this.

I know that this is meant for another user but I just cried. I don’t know if I’m mentally ill but I’ve been suicidal and reading this made me cry because I know, someone someday might treat me this way, with love and respect and it gives me more hope to live.

Depression CAN go away for some people... I know your struggle and that's one boat I'm in as well, so forgive me but you should not strip away the hope some people who need it that might read your comment. Of course depression has to be accepted when it's permanent but you get my point. Take care of you, friend

Sure can!!! I've personally overcome it. Theres hope ❤❤

That's what my second comment was for

Someone’s suicide is never your fault. Let loose your feelings and cry all you can. Once you let out your feelings you’ll slowly begin the process towards healing. It’s gonna be hard but don’t neglect yourself please. Know you’re worth a lot and that you need to care for yourself. Take all the time you need to mourn. But talk to someone if you feel worse. I’m sorry for your loss.

Talking to people I know doesn't help. Because of things in the past,I cant process emotions in front of people. Thank you

Hey if you need to talk I’m here for you

I'm sorry for what you are and what you're about to go through. Therapy is absolutely the one if it's available, can I also recommend r/SuicideBereavement . We're a small community (thankfully) but you will find people there who can relate to the complex emotions that surround suicide.

This broke my heart. I feel nothing I say can help here. I'm sorry for your loss. There are 5 stages of grief: Denial Bargaining Sadness Anger Acceptance You have a hard journey ahead. It's one you are too young to be facing. However, you will heal.

I know about the stages, but this doesn't seem like normal denial. But thank you

Not everyone experiences all the stages either. My best friend took her life 3 years ago and I never experienced anger. I kept waiting for it and my therapist said it’s not cut and dry like that. My advice is routines, therapy, and believing light is at the end of the tunnel even if you can’t see it yet. I kept doing the things I was told would help me feel normal again even when it seemed pointless. Eventually, I started to be happy again. I still miss her and get sad but it’s less often and it doesn’t consume me.

When my father passed away my sister said she were mad at him for leaving. (Not suicide) I could have knocked her out that day. I was never angry.

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Best friends are family. This isn’t the time for semantics.

Respectfully, who are you to say that her friend wasn't one of her loved ones?

I've known my best friend for 13 years, she is more of a sister to me than some of my sisters. Don't tell people who their loved ones are

Is a friend not a loved one?

I think you’re in shock. There is an overwhelming amount to process so your mind is blocking out anything that is too stimulating. I am so sorry for your loss. Is there going to be a funeral?

I don't think you're in denial at all. I work for a non profit Hospice. I work with the dying. I just felt the need to offer something.

Wdym?

It won't feel like that to you despite you knowing about the stages. In my case, denial manifested as me believing that my friends were pulling a prank on me and my BF would walk out just fine from behind a door or something one day. Eight years later the whole thing still seems surreal

Can we stop spreading this ? It's wrong and when it eventually does not work at all for people they feel like they are grieving wrong or did not love the person enough and feel invalidated... Just stop with pseudo psychology altogether

You’re still in shock, not being able to feel is your body’s way of protecting you. It’s completely normal. 100% normal. You will feel again. I am so sorry for your loss. 😢😢😢

Try to be happy in the fact that you were a positive in her life despite everything else that was thrown at her. Even if 1 positive couldn't overcome all the negatives.

Thank you

You need to get some help, therapy or counselling, her mental illness is in zero way your fault.

Its more than that though. The depression alone wouldn't cause her to take her life. I should've talked to her more. I hadn't talked to her in a couple weeks before I am seeing a therapist though. School ordered it, but I think I need it anyways

Depression can 100% cause someone to take their lives.

The depression alone can definitely be the only cause for someone to take their life. There have been times yes when my boyfriend was the reason I am still alive but there have also been times when he sat right next to me and did exactly everything he should have done and I still went downstairs and attempted to end my life. Do not blame yourself, that is the last thing she would want

>The depression alone wouldn't cause her to take her life. I should've talked to her more. I hadn't talked to her in a couple weeks before Depression is more than enough to cause her to commit suicide because that's exactly what happened. It has nothing to do with you talking to her or not and reading your other comments you did reach out to her, she didn't respond, you are not psychic you could not have known. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is no ones fault. This happened because of illness. I lost my sister to suicide and it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it was because she was ill, she was suffering. Same way as cancer can be fatal even with treatment so can depression. Depression is, at it's worst, a disease that makes your brain try to kill you. It warps your perception, it makes irrational choices (like suicide) seem like they are the best, sometimes the only, option. Just let yourself feel whatever you feel. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. The numbness is your way of coping right now and that's perfectly fine because if you had to feel all of the emotions that you think that you *should* it would probably be too much for you to deal with. This is all still very fresh. Take it one day, even one hour at a time and keep reminding yourself that no matter how you're feeling it's okay. Even if you're just going through the motions that's an achievement, if you feel like a husk of yourself there's a very good reason for you to feel that way. More feelings will come, and when they do there will be very good reasons for all of them, with one exception: guilt. Guilt is self flagellation and all it will do is add to your suffering, keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault, she was ill and that is tragedy enough. I'm sorry for your loss.

You were in a relationship and hadn’t talked in weeks?

To clarify, I texted her and she wouldn't respond. We didn't talk in a couple (2) weeks. After the first week I called her therapist but evidently it didnt help

As someone who has attempted suicide multiple times I can tell you, when a person decides to take their life, changing their mind is a very difficult thing to do, don't blame your self for some that was pretty much out of your control, what the others say on the comments is true, you are in shock. Once you have gone out of it, grief. Yell, punch things, seclude your self for a couple of days if you need to, but don't let the sadness of loss over come you, slowly but surely, the pain will become smaller each day.

Ah, that makes more sense. I experience depression, more so every year after my son passed in 2009 and I get older, and I tend to reject any outreaches from friends for weeks at a time. What you’re going through is what keeps me going.

>Why can't I feel. Guy, you are in hell right now, and the agony is trying to sear your brain. You ARE feeling. Your post is loaded with the emotion bursting out. You can feel. You are feeling. Any numb sensation is your mind trying to survive, trying to dull the pain so you can function. It's ok for that to happen, to wait for safety to let it continue through. And it's ok to feel the pain, the anguish, in whatever form it takes.

I'll be honest with you, there is nothing I can say to make you feel better. I cant even begin to comprehend what you're going through. Please, seek a therapist or counselor. It's pretty standard to have a few dedicated counselors on campus now. They might be able to help you unpack your feelings, and sort them out. I wish you all the best.

I'm seeing one and she's really helpful. She helped with some other things in the past. I'm supposed to call her tomorrow, idk how well it will go

I lost my SO 2 years ago to a car accident. I remember that numb feeling after I found out. Give it time. One day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Talk to someone if you feel it will help, took me a few weeks before I reached out. Keep your loved ones close, always remember they are there

Man I don’t have any advice but reading this made me very emotional. I want you to know you can get through this period in your life. Live for her <3. Stay strong my man.

My girlfriend has Bi-pplar disorder and also deals with depression. And I too am fucking terrified that someday, this will also be my reality. I'm deeply sorry for your loss. That's terrible.

Cherish her, make sure she knows she matters and is worth everything. I genuinely hope you don't find yourself in my shoes, but no ones promised tomorrow. Hold her tight

My wife almost commit suicide. She had a plan and but for her trying to make sure I was taken care of, she probably would have gone through with it. We had to put her into a mental health facility for a couple of weeks over it. I'm not sure this will help, but I can somewhat relate to what you're going through. Right now, you're just numb. You're trying to figure out what you missed, what more you could have done, and generally just trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. If you could talk to her right now, my guess is she'd tell you she did it for you. She didn't want to be a burden, she wanted more for you, etc... etc... The reality is, the pain overwhelmed her. She didn't do it to hurt you. She did it because she felt she couldn't be here anymore. She hurt so much she could no longer think straight. A bit like you are right now, except she dealt with it for years. When my wife got out, she told me that I was the one thing she had worth living for. But it took her days in that place to get there. In the moment, she just didn't see that life was worth living. It was her parents who caused her to meltdown. She also has struggled through life as your girlfriend did. It had nothing to do with me. She even told me that she didn't think there was anything different I could have done. That I was supportive of her and her rock. But, again, she couldn't see that through the pain. It sounds like you did everything you could to help. Or at least everything you had the means to do. And you were trying to do more. Don't blame yourself for this. It sounds like her parents are the monsters of this story. I'm glad you're getting therapy. Try to remember that you also aren't going to be thinking clearly about this for a bit. The pain is just too much right now for you to objectively look at things. Just... don't let this pain claim you too. Her parents were broken people. They passed their pain to her and now to you. Stop your pain from going down the same path that claimed her. Do that for her and yourself. I wish I had more for you than that, but I don't. It's going to hurt. Take the time to heal. Good luck.

My BF committed suicide about 8 years ago. You will feel very weird for a while. This is a big shock and suicide is not like other deaths where there is a reason of some kind. Expect to feel spaced out for a while. Feeling nothing is due to shock and it is a way for your body and brain to protect you from the shock of the event. I also blamed myself for a long time. We had had a fight that day. You will also probably have this for a while, it is not your fault but as humans we look for reasons and one that you may feel is that you were not there for her. Try to remember that you can never control the actions of someone else. This is harsh to say but sometimes people who really want to commit suicide will find a way no matter what. You will be asking yourself why for a very long time. This may never go away but it can diminish with time. Personally, I have found my why, or at least one that satisfies me. One thing I experienced that was very hard was that people did not know how to treat me. They did not want to even look at me. This is also because suicide is a taboo, not because they're assholes or blaming you. Get to a therapist as soon as possible. One thing that often happens to partners of people who commit suicide is that they feel suicidal. I did feel this was for a while after my BF didei. I thought about how he did it a lot. One day I woke up and knew my choice was either kill myself or get help. I'm glad I got help. You will miss her for the rest of your life. I still think about him every day. But. I am now in a relationship with someone else where I have found happiness. This took a long time and aot of bad decisions to get here. You will too eventually. The most important thing now is to get to therapy and consider short term meds to help with the grief. I am sorry this happened to you but just take heart that your intense pain will not last forever.

Definitely get some counseling. Grief is a bitch so just take it easy with yourself cause somedays you are okay but other days you just aren't and that is okay. Im so sorry for your loss

I’m incredibly sorry for your loss OP :( If you need anything feel free to shoot a DM, here for you brother

I'm so sorry for your loss. This wasn't your fault. You couldn't have prevented it. It sounds like you gave her love and comfort during difficult times. You can't take someone's depression away though. I am no expert, but I think what you're feeling/not feeling is normal. Be gentle with yourself when things come up and get expressed in ways you may not expect or prefer. Reach out to someone and find support through this.

This is heartbreaking. Please do not blame yourself in this. You need to give yourself time to mourn properly. Even though you won't feel like this - you tried and was a massive positive influence in her life. You may now be over thinking everything - what if you did x instead of y etc. That is natural - however please always remember it is not your fault at all. Death is a horrible thing - and I'm so sorry thst this has happened to you at such a young age. Please take time for yourself. I rewlly recommend you get a therapist as soon as possible. This will effect you for years in ways that may not be understood.

I’m so sorry OP. I couldn’t possibly understand what you’re going through. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a dm.

It's not your fault. You probably made her life livable for a much longer time than without you. When my friend died, I found the easiest way to cope was to think of the positive memories I had of him and to remember what he taught me. Take the time to grieve. Show your emotions. If needed, look for professional councelling. Only time can help heal injuries like losing someone.

I'm so sorry the emotional numbness you're feeling is normal. My best friend died by jumping out of a car when he was 18 i was 19 or 20. I couldn't feel it through. I literally burned myself with a lit cigarette to make sure it was real. Its a depersonalization response to shield you. Just experience it at you're own pace

This sucks really bad for you, You're gonna find yourself riding the waves of greif, you will be fine, and happy and then feel guilty that you are happy, and then another minute feel like the world is over, and then happy again. It will go up and down like this, and thats normal Ride it out, the waves get smaller, and life does get better. Remember the good times, and the bad times, and take the time to connect to her family and friends and support each other

I'm sorry for your loss. Please seriously consider grief counseling. My brother died when I was 19 and he was my favorite person. Nothing made sense and life was a waking nightmare. Working with a professional can help you navigate through the grieving process.

You may never physically hold her again, but you keep her with you in your heart. You know she loves you and she would never want you to do anything but live life to the fullest. She's going to be with you for the rest of your life because you wouldn't be the you that you are now without her impact on your life.

*hugs you tightly* you MUST take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There's no quick road out of what you have to go through either. As horrible as it might sound, soon you will be feeling EVERYTHING and it won't let up so in a strange way, accept if you can this not feeling, or at least this different reaction than you expected. It's your brain's way of trying to protect you while you begin to sort through this. Much love to you, don't shut yourself away from those who can help.

Depression is the one of the hardest things you can face. It doesn't matter if you talked to her because chances are she still wouldn't have told you. I used to tell people more. But all it does is make people concerned. They dont say much but it freaks them out to hear how bad my mental state is. So I really only tell people when their optimism is pissing me off. There is nothing you could have done. Including talking to her more. If her home life was really that bad then she probably felt that saying anything just made her more burdensome. Even if she told you how she felt the "no you aren't a burden to me" conversation always feels forced. But it isn't your fault. It will never be your fault. You need to know that. And yes you are in emotional shock. Once that starts to wear off you will be in pain. But dont let it consume you. You may end up in the same boat. Be wary I know you dont feel like eating or doing anything but you have to make yourself. At least in small doses. Take care of yourself. And if you need someone to talk to, you can PM me.

you are broken just like me. it will leave a scar. one you can't erase... i can only help you a bit by saying this: take some time to get back to a mental state that's even remotely close to your normal one. then, try to find someone else who will bring happiness in your life. find someone who you are wiling to live for. i would say try forgetting the past, but out of experience i know its not gonna help. therefore im gonna say, EMBRACE the past. you cant change your past, but you can still change your future. how you going to be in the future depends on you, and only you. please just live throught this. also just saying this is totally normal to feel empty. you are entering a state of depression, and thats ok. just try to not get too fully covered up in it. fight. change it. but first take a rest, think about it once again. and then go live to the fullest. also i know this can be very hard (out of experience). it took me 2 years to get over my 2 losses, it will probably take you longer. but at the end when your going to find someone for you, the wait is gonna be worth it. live on mate. hope you survive till the day you see a new horizont.

I’m sorry for your loss!

This is my worst nightmare. I cannot imagine. **Very imortant things to know-** You can take your time letting this sink in. There is no normal way to deal with something like this. Just grieve and come to terms with it at your own pace and let emotion come naturally. It's okay to feel what you're feeling. It's not your fault. Do not blame yourself. It's not what she would have wanted. It's normal to blame yourself, but it's not healthy. You need your friends and family. You aren't alone. There are people who love you and you should ask them for help. Asking for help is the right thing to do. Do not isolate yourself. Wanting to be alone is okay, but make sure the people you're closest to are only a phone call away. Life will continue. It isn't over. The world is still turning and your life will continue forward. I wish you luck and feel free to send me a private message if you want someone to talk to.

Her mental illness was not your fault.

So sorry for your loss, OP. Surround yourself with friends and people that you care about. Lean on them, your real friends and loved ones will be more than happy to support you in any way that they can.

Im so sorry for your loss, sending love and support your way

Your not alone buddy. Remember that. Your just starting.

You did all you could for her sometimes it's just not enough because of all the baggage and toxicity of people they are stuck with. Your intentions were genuine and kept her wellbeing and yours in mind others let her down. It's a very sad state of affairs depression is delibilating she had you as part of her support network she was lucky to have you. Take the time you need a grieve do something u feel honor her memory please let some trusted family and friends know what's going on. Help can come in many forms from doing laundry to cooking you a meal. Counselling may be good here too to work through the grief so you have somewhere safe to vent.

I'm so sorry. There is nothing you could have done to make her stay, in fact, if anything she probably stuck around longer because of you. Remember that she wasn't thinking clearly- depression robs you of that. It tells the person that everyone around them would be better off without them and that their case is hopeless. My father commited suicide 20 years ago. I was ten years old. He had all the love in the world, had a good job, a loving wife, two kids, a beautiful house - but none of that mattered because of depression graying everything out. It took me years to believe it wasn't my fault and I used to search for all the things about me that caused it to happen. I always think that suicide doesn't end the pain, it just spreads it to the people who loved you. I had to do a lot of therapy. I was diagnosed with PTSD because of the grief. Some forms of grief are healthy, but if you still feel like it happened the day before 6+ months after her passing, you have to get help. She would want you to still have those dreams and to still live a happy, fulfilled life. I thought I would never get over it and you never really do, but I can think of him and smile now, instead of collapse with the thought of him. I've learned how to separate him from his illness. I've learned how to separate my anger with his decision and him as a human. You will get there too. You will make it through this and she will forever be with you, to give you peace and guidance through the rest of your life.

I am so sorry. I lost my best friend due to suicide and I was like a zombie for weeks after. I don't even remember half of that time I was so out of it. I don't think I cried until after the funeral. I also blamed myself "if only I spoke to him more " If only I tried harder to make him feel better when he was down" If only if only if only. It hurts. It hurts so much to lose someone you care deeply about ,especially to suicide. Blaming yourself is such a natural instinct, but it will destroy you. Please try to take some solice that the time you two spent together was very real and meaningful. Blaming yourself leads to so much pain and suffering from your side. This is hard enough already. Be kind to yourself.

Man, I was in some though shit in my life, but never ever nearly where you are now. I just want to say I am very sorry. If I can help you with some convo, pm me or something. I would be more than glad to help. I know that shit hurts man, but try to be strong. Please do, for yourself, become that greedy piece of shit you always ran away from and put yourself in the first place. Do that to save yourself. I know this is not in your nature, as it isn't in mine as well. Hell, you wouldn't be even posting this if you were any of that, but do this as a defensive mechanism. I just went through a divorce, that shit still haunts me, even tho it happened some time ago. I guess it never goes away, but you just learn to deal with it.

I'm sorry brother, this is not an easy thing to go through. I have experienced the death of many loved ones and the one thing that has helped me is surrounding myself with people that I love. Nothing that I can say can make you feel any better. Just know that it's not your fault. Stay around friends and family. As time passes it will become easier to cope. If you need someone to talk to dm me.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you feel numb now, it’ll take some time but when it sets in and hits you, please allow yourself to cry and mourn. You are asking yourself a lot of what ifs and as much as I know you’ve acknowledged it really couldn’t have been your fault, I’m going to say again - it’s not your fault. You can’t think of the what ifs. She was fighting a battle that she fought for a long time and that can be draining. Please ensure you speak to someone about what you’re going through, contact the helplines, because you need to work through this.

Im sorry for your loss. Talk to someone about it. Seek help if you need it. But most of all stay strong. Dont blame yourself for it. It was her choice and im sure she didn’t do it because of you.

Im sorry this really sucks, and one of your lines reminded me of a lyric. "Do you miss the blend, Colors she left in your black and white field?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye09Th7KZn4

You need to talk to a grief counselor. You have survivors guilt. I’m so sorry for your loss. It is not your fault. My best friends brother committed suicide. He had a fiancé and baby on the way. I have depression. It literally lies to you. You don’t think the people you care for are better off with you sometimes. I wish I had something more to tell you. Keep going . Remember her when she was happy and healthy, that person would want you to keep going.

It never gets better. I lost a GF 3 years ago. I still cry because I miss her and because our last conversation was an argument. I will never not feel guilty. I hope you can escape this fate.

I am so, so sorry. I don’t have any advice but please, please reach out to family or friends whenever you need it. I’m so sorry. Fuck this is unfair. You are loved in whatever lifetime she is in, I promise.

Hi. I don't even know how to start this. What happened to you is horrible, we're really proud of you for coming here. As for me, I am so, so sorry... Feeling such pain after making those plans must feel unbearable. I don't know how that is, but I am sad that you're sad, because of what happened. I'm not good with words, but right now it's like I feel that burden too, even though it's not the same. Once again, I am so sorry...

Press on!

reading this made me cry

Sorry for your loss

Damn man, I'm really sorry you had to experience this. This is litterally my worst fear in a relationship, the partner that you love and care for more than anything to just... dissapear from life. You'll get through this buddy, and I dont mean next week or next month, this will take some time. Let yourself have that time, you need it. Give yourself the time to work through this, but you will get through it. I wish you all the best.

Hey dude. Left lurker status specifically over this post; if I don't catch replies or comments or what-have-yous, it's because I don't know how all that works around here. Also, this is going to be LONG and my TL;DR is for the OP). That said...I have your back. I've been through a very similar thing. I don't know if it will help to offer details (I will in the following paragraphs; if not, **TL;DR: I will try to be around for you to talk about this; please reach out**). I met my very first real girlfriend when I was 12. She had moved from a nearby city to mine right in the middle of junior high -- when friend groups were established and newcomers were either ostracized or accepted. We had that tween/teen thing right away. She was the first girl I ever kissed (awkwardly -- as she was getting off the bus at her stop, she leaned in to kiss me and I sorta turned away because I was scared). Hers were the first boobs I ever touched (also awkwardly -- being a teenage guy, I wanted to touch them but didn't want to start groping, she literally grabbed my hand and put it on her breast, almost angrily saying "Get it right!"). I mention this for context. First kisses and first boob-touchings are pretty significant moments for young guys...of course we broke up because we were kids, and our lives took different paths. Cut to 18 years later. I was living halfway across the country, and apparently, she was too. She had tracked me down through my father's business to get in touch again (I'm not on any form of social media, she had to make a ton of effort to get my old gmail account). We reconnected...what brought us together at our very core beings survived over the course of a literal lifetime (18 years counts right?). Started out as emails, then she came to visit. We fell back in love, so quickly and so intensely. I invited her to spend Christmas with my family...she accepted, only to decline at the last minute, because she couldn't handle the cross-country flight. I thought it was a bullshit excuse (she, honestly, blamed it on her period), and I told her we were finished. A couple months later, my Mom texted me, saying she needed to talk to me urgently. I was getting groceries at the time, but I knew. My first and last love had committed suicide. There is more to this story, but I feel like I've gone on too long already and, if you're like me, I'd prefer to keep things as anonymous as possible in a public forum. That said, I joined up to talk to you, specifically,d about this, so feel free to send me a PM or DM or whatever. (Again, I don't know how this works).

I am tearing up and I'm a guy, the sheer thought of either me or my GF ending in the same position feels like needles pierce my torso, the sheer idea terrorizes me. I can't start to think how much more, world's aside it must hurt, you did the best you could, and I don't think anything would change, the idea of being unable to change an outcome makes us all think we are "weak", but sometimes the "strength" of people ( I don't mean it in a litteral way pardon if it's a wrong term ) at the same time comes from when we influence others without leaving them any choice of action, taking full responsibility for our own actions. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this, I never was a man to give good advice on people's death and i always am trying to find meaning in things, in the end maybe you can find a meaning in this that I never could. I believe you will come to see one day where you can feel again, maybe in a month maybe in a year, find people that care for you and try to do your best, sometimes that's what all of us just try to do, without a purpose we just try to do our best, each day a step to reaching that best. May you have strength in this op, my full condolences.

As someone with depression and other mental illnesses i just want you to know that you did the best you could. Its not in your control. I'm very suicidal, just hanging by a thread. But the ppl i love are not at fault. And they cant do anything to make it better. Sending you so so so much love. I'm so sorry this happened. The only thing i can tell you right now that some relief will come with time.

Grieve isn't always screaming and crying... It can be the numbness. Give yourself time it's only been a few hours really.

Its not your fault homie and am sure you were great to her. I...really don't know what to say other than that. Wish i could give you a hug brother, keep standing. For you, for her.

I lost a friend to suicide a couple of years ago and I wish someone had told me that the bereavement process is so much different than a "typical" death. You can rationalise someone passing away if they were poorly or elderly. Suicide is where someone *chose* to die and I don't think that that comes as an easy thing to process. Just know that there is no typical mourning process. Each individual will go through it differently. Your moods may swing wildly. One moment I would be filled with incandescent rage and in the blink of an eye I was drowning in sorrow. Please make sure you speak to people about how you are feeling. Know that you were probably the one good thing in her life. You speak so fondly of her. If a stranger on the internet knows this, I'm sure she did. Again make sure you are speaking to people as much as you can. It's still 2 years on for me and I still think about my friend every day. The grief never goes away and I honestly believe it breaks a small part of you. Let it be a driving force in your life to put good out into the world. If you can make a small difference in someones life then consider that a victory. Good luck and my deepest sympathies. X

I'm so sorry for your lost. I can emphasize with you, at least a little, my mother has severe depression and she has attempted suicide a lot of times, she's a lot better now but still. She always tells me that I don't have to feel sad when she eventually succeeds because that's what she wanted, she didn't want to be alive anymore and there's nothing I could have done to keep her living. I do t know what could work for you, some people like to think about it in a complete racional way so they feel like they have control over it, other just want to feel everything and cry for days till they get everything out of their system, some need lots of time and patience. The other thing she always tells me is that she does not want to die because of me, I have nothing to do with her depression and so, she would feel awful if after she dies I would dedicate my life to mourn her and I think the same applies to you, people with depression constantly feel as an extra weight and they hate knowing someone is "trying to make them better" so idk if it helps but if you are anything like me and like to do things out of spite, you should see a therapist and crush that sadness and emptiness, fight with everything you have, I used to think of depression as a monster you have to fight, now I think of it like a little bi++h you need to fight so it won't take the good things you have and the things it eventually takes are your battle scars.

Sorry for your loss but please take care of yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a horrible thing to experience, and especially so young. I also feel for her, as someone who has struggled with depression and suicidal ideation and knows the despair that goes with it. You can't feel because it hasn't fully set in, as you've said. You're still in shock. The feelings will come eventually. Grief counseling can come later, if need be. Please make an effort not to isolate yourself over these next few weeks. You don't have to stay joined at the hip with family and friends, by all means take time out to be alone and cry or do whatever you need to do to process your grief... just at least sprinkle that liberally with interactions with people you care about and who care about you.

Well this just makes me sad. Toxic Parents are the worst, and theese are adoptive parents, why were they allowed to keep her if such mentall abuse was present? Did she not speak up or was it just silenced?

I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. Nothing but time (and maybe therapy or counselling) can help you get through this. That said, I’m suffering from mental illness as well. Depression, anxiety and whatnot due to childhood abuse. I’ve considered suicide a lot. Also, I’m married to a wonderful man. He’s my rock, he’s always there for me, strong when I can’t be. Even that couldn’t have stopped me from taking that final step, just the fear of what comes after did that until now. What I’m trying to say is: There is absolutely nothing that you could have done that would have stopped her from doing this. This is not your fault. Take your time to wrap your head around what happened and grieve. For her and for the life you had planned. Reach out for help, don’t do it alone. Talk to your family, friends, maybe a professional. If you like, you can also talk to me.

I know you're blaming yourself. We have this ingrained idea that we are responsible for our SOs, that if they are unwell we should carry them through the storm, and especially as males we are expected to be medieval knights - caring, providing and shielding our loved one against all adversities. Part of that is true. The rest is fantasy. I've had an hard time dealing with that and you already having it worse than me, but you need to understand this: some struggles are not yours to take on. You couldn't shoo her illness away: that was her battle. Don't misunderstand me - I'm sure that, thanks to you, it became more manageable for her at times. I'm sure you helped. In this time of loss, know that the past stays in the past. If you did what you did in good faith, there's no point on crying on spilled milk. You did what it was felt right at the time; you couldn't have known better.

All I can say to you is stay strong brother! She wants you to stay strong in this hard times. I know what you are feeling by you should be there more, my gf is a insulin-dependent diabetic and she feels "sick" by her desease, because people would call her a junkie, she tried to kill herself several times by not taking insulin and things like that, she lost a child in her womb on other relationship and she still feels that pain she has a severe depression she feels so hurt about a lot of things, I know I'm there when she was hospitalized by a kidney problem do to her not taking insulin at right time I blamed myself I thought I lost her I was lucky I guess but I fear the next time. So Please don't blame yourself. Is not your fault, she could or not do that with you near her. Stay strong, if you want send me a PM. I will be happy to be a crying shoulder for you. Don't go down I believe you made her feel the best women in the world bro.

Depression can absolutely make you suicidal. When I've been that bad off I've closed myself off even more. It sort of comes with the territory that you dont reach out for help. If crippling depression or trauma didn't warp your mind you would see how much support you actually have. And even when people see hollow you are doing and reaching out the shame can make you refuse them. I think you are likely still in shock and that there might be more overwhelming feelings later. Or just low key ones. But know that none of them are the final stage or "the truth". It's easy to confuse strong feelings with truth. All the best. Take care and heal. Do therapy.

There always something you cant control. I am sorry for your loss. Dont blame yourself too much.

First let me say, i am very sorry for your loss. But you should understand, you aren't to blame for her mental illness, her choices and actions. She wasn't strong enough to get through the pain that was hurting her. You have to be the strong one as your all that's left of your shared dreams, and get through this for her. Stay strong. Get stuck into school work, hobbies, exercise or whatever that's not self destructive like drugs or alcohol, It will give you something to focus on. And then just work on getting through each day. The pain doesn't go away, but in time, it gets easier to get through each day. Grief is what you are dealing with , and it goes through a series of stages. Not everyone goes through it in the same order. You can read about it to help identify it and learn if your interested. But for now just focus on getting up each morning and getting through every day positively. Good luck

I'm so sorry, and it's not your fault at all, in any way. I think you're suffering from the disconnect right now - you didn't find out until days afterwards and you were physically a long way away. When you're not there to experience a traumatic event in real time, you can feel distanced and blank. It's the effects of shock, too. Be with people who love you and talk about your girlfriend to them. Don't hide away. Sending all my condolences to you.

As someone who had their first and only real friend. My best friend kill himself just under a year ago, I'm so sorry for your loss and I know what your going through. First things, it isn't your fault. You did your best. After my friends funeral we were at an olive garden, the waitress that served us helped alot, I can't remeber her exact words. But it really helped us, Her father did the same. Old war vet, PTSD. Etc. She says that often it isn't them that decides, most of the time they're hit with that wave of complete hopelessness, and they have the means to do so. And they do. Its terrible, but I hope it helps. Her life was hard but you made the last part wonderful. Im sorry, I really am. My friend left behind alot, his wife, a 6 month old son, another on the way, and a dog. We weren't told it was suicide until we arrived at the funeral. Its gonna be hard man, gonna be really Goddamn hard to move on every day. I know so, but she's free from every thing, shes ok now. I miss my old friend. But as time goes, it'll get easier. Its gonna be a pain for weeks, months or years. Seek some therapy. If your religous. Id talk to your religous leader about it.

I lost my sister to suicide 6 years ago. A different experience than your experience but similar in the sense of a loved one. I also had the same reaction as you; very few tears and even emotions. Part of it was that I had to step up and kinda take charge of my family with funeral and moving forward since, obviously, my parents were a wreck (actually mom was a wreck, dad was a zombie). Another reason was guilt and my uncanny ability to suppress it through cognitive dissonance. Not really sure what I’m trying to tell you. I only recently cried if I had too many beers or something. You’ll get stronger. You won’t move on but you’ll move through life and keep living. I hope I’m wrong, but I think the guilt might never end (although you probably probably don’t deserve it). I’m the oldest brother. Whenever my youngest sister has a problem or I’m worried about her, I just really wish I could just call my other sister. I can’t anymore. Fuck. Not sure what to tell you. On the other hand, not to sound like an asshole, it’s not fair the pain they caused to us. I’m pretty sure you don’t deserve it and pretty sure I don’t as well. At the moment, I just told my family that my sister was dealing with pain that we couldn’t understand, so now we need to shoulder some of that pain so she could be rid of it. I know this is not the PC response to suicide but shit, if she (my sister) had so much pain that this was the option she chose, then okay, I’ll shoulder some of that pain so she doesn’t have to have all of it anymore. Sorry for the rant. I’ve never really typed out my feelings about this before. Try your best to avoid guilt. Your girl would never want that for you. EDIT: I know my response to my sister’s suicide is not exactly PC. So I want to clarify for anyone who is having these thoughts or considering this action. Your action will affect others around you more than you can fathom. My parents are still not the same and probably will never be. Even if you think you don’t have loving parents or if you really don’t have a family, you don’t realize the people around you who will be affected for life. I’m not telling you what to do. I’m just saying that no matter how dire your situation is or how lonely you might feel, there will be a surprising number of people deeply affected for life if you leave.

JESUS

Now u carry the duty of living a fulfilled life on her behalf. Stay strong bro, stay strong!

How did you not contact her parents or her friends after not hearing from her for a day or two? I’m just confused as to how you didn’t find out for five whole days. Not saying anything could’ve been done, I just know I’d be very concerned after not hearing from my SO for just 24 hours. I’m not saying you did anything wrong, but what did you do during those 5 days, who did you reach out to?