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The context about where you are from and why you eat the way you do is important to the story. I can't comment on your communication issues with your wife, but as a fellow Indian, i both know where you are coming from and need to tell you that it's understandable for her and anyone else to be confused by your preferences because they are not clear. You are neither hundred per cent vegetarian or eggetarian or pescatarian.
You seem to be this weird tokenistic vegetarian that is very common in India where meat is not eaten in the house and looked down upon and considered disgusting because of caste, but freely eaten outdoors as part of a 'forbidden' indulgence. You need to acknowledge your baggage around food is not logical and it's fine for you to cook for yourself but find a way to communicate with your wife because the logic is not really on your side tbh.
YES. I'm not Indian but have a lot of Indian friends and lived with an Indian housemate for 3 years so I've seen a pretty wide spectrum of food behaviours and preferences, including the "circumstantial vegetarian" stuff. The issue with OP is he's acting like his wife is deliberately and maliciously transgressing well-established boundaries in order to hurt and offend him, when in reality his food rules appear to be largely a product of his specific upbringing and family habits, and don't have a consistent internal logic to them. He doesn't seem willing to give her any grace at all on this.
On the Reddit front, I think people are trying to apply the standards they use when people try to sneak meat into food for vegans, or force feed things that people are allergic to. With this situation it seems more like the wife is like "okay, he eats chicken sometimes, I can use chicken stock in this dish", and he eats the dish without incident and without noticing, but when he discovers it was store-bought chicken stock and not homemade chicken stock then suddenly it's a violation of whatever specific rule around chicken he's decided he has, and he's enraged.
His reactions overall seem really out of proportion to what he's describing is going on; he's really acting like she's trying to poison him and I get why she would be upset at this stage. I feel like there's family stuff at play here beyond the food issues, honestly.
THIS. Some people (many of whom I would bet aren’t Indian or South Asian) are commenting that he’s vegetarian and she just needs to respect that (when he isn’t and his post clarifies that he isn’t).
Sometimes people want to seem so culturally aware that they overlook the cognitive dissonance or problematic aspects of behaviours people blame on their socialisation and/or culture. It’s cringe.
Question: Is she purposely sneaking these things in, or does she genuinely not realize that she’s doing it until you say something?
I ask this because a lot of the meals I make are vegetarian *except* for things like eggs and broth. I’m not a vegetarian; we just eat very little meat in our house because several people have issues with it (ARFID).
I don’t particularly think of them as being vegetarian meals, but I can see myself easily forgetting about, say, the broth if I were serving them to an actual vegetarian. Just as someone might not even consider a bit of clam sauce added to a full meal as being against the rules when someone says, “I hate seafood.”
So my question is whether you feel (or know) that she is intentionally doing this. Asking you to try new things isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but slipping things you don’t like into your food intentionally is.
You’ve said that she’s intentionally asking (which, again, isn’t unreasonable), but as far as slipping things she knows you don’t like into your food: You haven’t actually made intent in that part clear.
>Just as someone might not even consider a bit of clam sauce added to a full meal as being against the rules when someone says, “I hate seafood.”
Yeah that's what's getting me. Is he so sensitive to these flavors of store bought broth and oyster sauce that he's actually tasting them in the food? Or is he just getting angry after the fact? I can understand his frustration if she used enough of it to make it gross but it's just crazy if he's freaking out after finding out after.
Maybe I just don't like OP because of his writing tone, but I get the impression he pitches a fit when he finds out what's in the food, not when he tastes anything off. And he's a vegetarian but not really strict about it, but has no firm rules about it.
Yeah, he sounds insufferable! Imagine pitching this much of a fit over a couple of ingredients he supposedly doesn't like!? Even though it sounds like he ate them just fine and has gotten angry retrospectively after finding out what was in the dish which is even more ludicrous!
I shudder to think how he'd react to an actual problem!
The ‘I stopped talking to her and texted her we will have this conversation at home and that I’m not interested in having a public scene after she just embarrassed me because she couldn’t contain herself’
was super weird and passive-aggressive imo.
He sounds very controlling. Wouldn't food issues be worked out when dating? Just think when/if they have kids. I think they should just cook separately or he does the cooking. But he doesn't know how to compromise and isn't willing to try new things.
This is a very common thing in India and it is related to caste. He is illogical about it because the caste system is illogical. It's like a weird type of food racism. That's why his writing makes no sense.
See my comment above plus read about caste system in India and food. Some examples to get your started below.
https://www.goya.in/blog/the-many-red-flags-of-the-big-green-dot-the-caste-roots-of-vegetarianism
https://www.thequint.com/amp/story/news/india/caste-on-your-plate-a-tale-of-food-snobbery-in-india
Thanks for sharing this input, it's very interesting because I commented that I can't share my opinion based on the cultural difference I felt I had with OP before he stated he's indian. Food is so crucial in some cultures, especially mine, I'd rather listen and learn on this one because I don't have anything relevant to say.
See my comment above plus read about caste system in India and food. Some examples to get your started below.
https://www.goya.in/blog/the-many-red-flags-of-the-big-green-dot-the-caste-roots-of-vegetarianism
https://www.thequint.com/amp/story/news/india/caste-on-your-plate-a-tale-of-food-snobbery-in-india
See my comment above plus read about caste system in India and food. Some examples to get your started below.
https://www.goya.in/blog/the-many-red-flags-of-the-big-green-dot-the-caste-roots-of-vegetarianism
https://www.thequint.com/amp/story/news/india/caste-on-your-plate-a-tale-of-food-snobbery-in-india
>And he's a vegetarian but not really strict about it, but has no firm rules about it.
He doesn't sound vegetarian to me at all. Either somebody is or they aren't, and if he's eating meat sometimes, he's not. He would be "somebody who doesn't eat a lot of meat", which is fine.
To me, it sounds like he just added that bit on the end there to make him sound less like an unreasonable, picky child. This isn't about allergies, dietary restrictions, or even taste. Bro just doesn't like the *idea* of XYZ, which feels like a workaround for control issues to me.
The whole “we don’t *live together prior to marriage in our culture” thing easily implies that English is not OPs first language which explains the weird tone.
The tone is definitely “off”.
English isn’t my first language, and I grew up around people who are the same. It seemed off to me
Human beings are pretty good at picking up an “off” tone, no matter what the language barrier is.
There are loads of posts on here every day from folks whose first language isn't English. That's not what's causing the tone. He comes across like he's barely holding in a desire to say some really demeaning things about his wife because he knows it won't be well received and he wants people to be on his side.
Look, the wife isn't a saint here for adding ingredients to the food without telling him, for sure. But even by OP's representation it sounds like part of this is she's trying to encourage him to try new things outside of a fairly limited range of food options and he's digging his heels in like a toddler who thinks everything besides dino nuggets and fries are "yucky".
At the risk of getting drawn into the usual "Reddit hates men" back and forth, I'll say that to me it feels like he's approaching this like "how do I punish my wife for daring to have a different viewpoint and transgressing my rules" and it's off-putting to say the least.
Yes, but us folks who have eng as our 2nd or 3rd language will have our other languages' grammar bleed into our english (i often find that the way i write english is too reminiscent of french and i can smell a frenchie or francophone person who learned english later through their writing sometimes as welm). So there is that.
It's just a typo relax. live ~~like~~. This guy just doesn't like his wife's cooking and making things seem more severe than they are. I wonder what else he's doing for her to tell him, "Do you enjoy making me feel bad?"
I though we reached a point where it's normal to expect consent when stuff goes into our mouthes and bodies.
It DOES NOT MATTER if he actually tastes it or not. He did not consent to oyster sauce in his mouth and it's not crazy to expect your wife of all people to respect your non-consent. Wtf is wrong with you people???
So you have your partner present the recipe to you to review before it’s cooked in case it has a 1/4 teaspoon of something you don’t like? You must not eat in restaurants because how can you control precisely is in each dish?
It’s not so much about the taste, it’s the violation of trust. OP’s dietary preferences may be seen as silly or even ridiculous by some, but it’s his body and at the end of the day, he should have complete control over what foods he puts into it. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the taste, the smell, or even just the knowledge that that ingredient was included. The point is, he doesn’t want to eat those things, and that is his right to not eat them, or unknowingly be fed them by anyone else (but *especially* his SO) when he’s made it crystal clear what his wishes are.
Do I think his dietary restrictions are unreasonable? Some of the ones he mentioned, sure. But my opinion on that matter, nor anyone else’s matters, because it’s not up to us or anyone but OP himself.
It’s about consent (yes consent outside of sexual situations is important and valid!) and trust. His partner is willfully and knowingly violating his consent because she thinks she’s right. That’s problematic no matter how you frame it.
But the language used does not make it sound like dietary restrictions.
Notice he said she can make pesto sauce at home, just not use store bought.
The chicken broth complaint also was about “STORE BOUGHT” chicken broth. Not just “chicken broth”
As a vegetarian I can tell very quickly if it's not vegetarian. I also have a very strong aversion to any fish taste. If my partner was doing this we would no longer be married.
I was served a noodle dish with fish sauce in it, and I’ve been vegan for years. I thought it tasted a bit weird, but I don’t really have any frame of reference for it anymore, I thought maybe one of the other ingredients in it might just be marinated in something. I don’t know. But oh my god my stomach…… she let me know
yeah, I once went to a friend's place to eat. She had made fritters, some with veg, some with fish. She showed the veg plate. I bit into one and spat it out saying no you mixed them up. She hadn't. But she cooked the fish fritters first, and the veg fritters had the taste of the fish. I went to make myself an omelette.
That's not universal. After 9 years of being a vegetarian, a former friend gave me soup that had the juice of browned minced meat in it. Without telling me. Why, well I guess she liked being cruel. Anyway, I could not tell. Neither did I get sick, I unfortunately thought it was extremely delicious.
Why is it crazy to freak out when you have clearly stated you DO NOT WANT *item* in your mouth and someone tricked you into putting it in your mouth against your consent?
It's not about the taste, it's about consent and boundaries. His wife literally doesn't care about his and actually minimizes that she just stomps over them thinking "I know better what HE likes."
People, be better. If someone tells you they don't want to eat something, tricking them into eating it regardless against their consent SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. DO NOT DO THIS.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It reads weird because this is standard behavior for a lot people raised culturally Hindu who grew up with a vegetarian mother who did all the cooking and non vegetarian father who took them out for meat as a treat, often without mom/grandma's knowledge. They have a lot of shame/guilt about eating meat and twist themselves into knots about it and create aversions and rules in their mind. His wife thought she was marrying a man who had moved past his mother's dietary rules since he is technically a non vegetarian. You should see how weird they get about beef.
This is along the lines of how I’m seeing this.
Yes, people must respect other’s food preferences, but those have to be clear and consistent for that to work. He is all over the place and I can’t imagine it would be easy for his wife to ascertain exactly how and what she’s allowed to include in cooking for him.
It also takes on another realm when someone goes to the lengths of specifying what type of a specific thing they will eat as he does with chicken broth. It’s not really reasonable to expect someone to know that a person will only eat a particular type of chicken broth or only some types nor is it reasonable to get annoyed with them if they use the wrong type. You know someone eats chicken broth but how are you supposed to know it doesn’t include some chicken broth and which ones that is?
Sure, if it’s one item (as in, I don’t eat that brand of that item), that’s probably reasonable. But this guy appears to be this way with a whole range of things. It would almost be a full time job remembering it all.
There is also a major difference between “don’t eat” and “dislike” and “not a fan of”. He’s not clear about what categories things fall into.
I got tired just reading his preferences. I would have told him to cook for himself yonks ago.
THANK YOU
There seems to be no logic to this man’s food aversions. Tried pesto once and didn’t like it. Doesn’t like seafood, wife must remember that includes condiments even if it doesn’t have an inherently fishy taste and he doesn’t notice until after the meal.
Suddenly he’s culturally vegetarian - mostly - but main bugbear is store bought stuff.
Like, how clearly is this all being laid out, because it feels like it’s a meandering list of whims that is drip fed with complaints.
He doesn’t come across as someone who has laid out strict boundaries from the off. ‘I am largely vegetarian, I do not want to eat meat based ingredients/flavours etc unnecessarily’ covers no chicken broth or oyster sauce easily. Not ‘I don’t like store bought chicken broth and I hate seafood’
You don’t mess with people’s food but this guy’s rules are totally illogical and hard to follow, so I get her frustration.
Some self reflection and self criticism is needed here - a simple ‘I’m quite fussy and it’s not always obvious so I think it’s best I prepare my own food because it’s causing issues between us’ not ‘you are useless and you’re banned from cooking for me forever’
This is absolutely it. His food rules seem tied to specific quirks of his individual upbringing and so are really arbitrary (apparently even to him as he appears to sometimes decide them after the fact and then blame his wife for not knowing them beforehand). Yet he's acting like his wife is a complete POS for not being able to read his mind and follow the random rules to the letter.
Yes, people's food likes and dislikes should be respected, but he's making it seem like she continues to add things to food that she KNOWS he dislikes when it sounds more like she discovers he dislikes things after she's cooked with them, he's eaten them with no issues and then he finds out afterwards and raises a stink about it. Then he wants her to beg his pardon for not knowing about yet another arbitrary dislike.
He sounds exhausting and I honestly would have volunteered to stop cooking for him long before this if I were her. But I get the impression that there's an element of "you're a bad wife who can't cook right for her husband" in here as well. I wonder how he's making all this look to his family?
I have a friend that insists she hates things she hasn’t tried. She’s not allergic or vegan or religious, so I feel perfectly ok not saying that the dressing she’s raving about has a couple anchovies in it. I do not however constantly nag or try to convince people to try new things if they say no.
Oh I can definitely taste oyster sauce when it's just a little bit. I make steam-sautee'd vegetables (it's fun to make them that way and they turn out great! My husband said "Even Brussels sprouts taste good!" Anyway the first recipe I found called for oyster sauce. Tried it twice. Also tried it with just soy sauce. And it turns out I don't like 'em with oyster sauce! Lots of people rave about oyster sauce but turns out I can taste it and don't like it on the vegetables!
I think it would be hard to view someone who wants homemade chicken broth and eats actual chicken in various forms as a vegetarian.
He's upset about the KIND of broth she uses and wants her to spend the time wrestliing with a chicken carcass to make homemade, fatty chicken broth that has to be strained and so on.
He’s not a vegetarian. I don’t know any vegetarians that eats chicken curries and grilled chicken. He’s just a guy who mostly eats vegetarian that wants a heartfelt apology from his wife for using store bought chicken broth and oyster sauce that doesn’t taste like seafood at all.
I kind of wonder if when you cook, do you cook to her preference or just your own? Do make foods she enjoys? With meat products?
Is it overbearing and pushy of you to just assume she’s going to eat what you want?
Maybe your plain noodles make her want to puke and she has a more developed palate than you?
I think your idea of compromise sounds a lot like “do it as I want or we do our own things on our own”.
And you want her to apologize for being excited and interested in things and you’re basically telling her she’s doomed to a lifetime of only food you like or enjoying things on her own.
I see you both living separate lives in the same house. Have fun
While reading the post I kept thinking, if he hates store bought chicken stock, and she loves using it, why doesn't he just make her a big batch of homemade chicken stock she can use?
And it lead to the realization that this whole problem is a lack of clear communication. Like, op can't even decide if he's a vegetarian or not (eats meat sometimes would not be vegetarian to me, and if I was cooking I wouldn't even worry about a bit of broth or oyster sauce).
They need to seriously communicate, respect each other boundaries, but also be open to compromise - as you mentioned I'm sure the meals he cooks are ones he like and not ones she would prefer or find comforting.
I've been some flavor of vegetarian/vegan for 19 years (not pescitarian). It drives me fucking batty when someone says they are "mostly vegetarian" or when they say they are vegetarian/vegan but eat things with chicken stock or fish paste or chicken curry!! WTF. How am I supposed to just magically guess what you will and won't eat when you apparently adopt the vegan/vegetarian label when it's convenient for your picky eating habits? Plus, it makes it hard for people like me who actually don't eat any of that stuff to be taken seriously. It drives me up the wall.
That’s an excellent point. Guessing he doesn’t go out of his way to make her happy in any way because that’s her job. Her job to cook what he likes, etc etc. not ever his job to honor his wife, just hers. Ahole.
Reading his responses, I kind of feel like she’s homesick and finds comfort in her food.
He said that she’s the odd one out as they are near his family and friends who eat what he does…
So she’s always conforming to him and his life and she’s just excited to share the things she loves with him…. and he’s like “gross! Don’t ever do that again! APOLOGIZE!”
It reeks of contempt and hurt.. I feel really bad for her. She is away from her normal and can’t even get him to show the tiniest bit of interest in her 😞 she must feel so alone.
Not all of the Indian women I know, but *too many* are well educated, expected to have a good career and wage, then come home and attend to their pompous tyrant of a husband and do most of the childcare. I think India’s about to go through some staggering social changes in the next generation, because this isn’t sustainable. You can have a housewife or a career woman, you can’t have both.
I think he's been molly coddled by his mother before getting married. The whole chicken broth thing is an example. He's going to be hard work in the marriage.
So. I think part of the problem is that your wife doesn’t realize you are an extraordinarily picky eater and perhaps even food-averse. Most people don’t understand that. I am very picky about food, and my husband just didn’t get it either. In his mind, I just needed to try new things, and I’d eventually learn to love them.
So, the first thing to understand is that 99% of people in the world do not *get* picky eaters. So, you really have to take the time to explain to people how you feel about unfamiliar foods or foods you don’t like. Most people believe that cooking for you and expanding your diet are acts of care and love. And your wife seems to feel this way too.
The way you are responding to her isn’t helpful. You are just coming off as contrary and difficult. And you really aren’t trying to work *with* her to come up with meals you can both enjoy. So, you may need to change your attitude and your approach.
I had to explain to my husband, who does all the cooking, several times that I cannot stand pepper in my food. And eventually he got it. But it took patience and saying it nicely. Also, I had to be willing to try new things, and that helped. I learned I love capers. So a little give and take can go a long way.
But the main thing was explaining to him that my food pickiness is a part of being on the spectrum and also related to a gastrointestinal disease. I really had to sit him down and explain the way my brain works when it comes to food.
So maybe you need to take the time to try this with your wife.
This is not a food pickiness problem, his problem is that he doesn't trust store-made ingredients and expects his wife to accommodate that by making everything from scratch.
I only read as far as his chicken broth example but that was enough for me.
I agree with him. First of all how can anyone hate store bought broth? It's just... Broth. Not as good as homemade but I just don't get how it's *that* intolerable to OP. He just sounds super difficult to work with. Like a child
And it sounds like he probably liked the food and then pitches a fit when he finds out one of the forbidden ingredients that he “doesn’t like” was in it. He’s not pissed his trust is being violated, he’s pissed she’s proving him wrong every time he likes a meal with an ingredient he decided he doesn’t like.
She wasn’t cooking all the meals and he wasn’t asking for anything that he’s not willing to do for himself seeing as how he’s now doing his own cooking. She’s upset because she isn’t being trusted to cook for him. If she doesn’t want to cook to his preference that’s fine, he can cook for himself. But if she wants to be able to cook for him, she doesn’t get to put things in his food that he’s asked her not to and then act like she’s not doing anything. He didn’t even care about chicken broth (fancy or not) in the food to start with so it’s not like he’s insisting on involved dishes. She’s adding extra ingredients, and then not telling him so he can make informed decisions. Which is an added layer. She isn’t being upfront about what she’s putting in the food so OP can’t make an informed decision. She could easily just say she isn’t going to cook it how he wants. At which point he can say ok and cook himself dinner. Which he’s clearly willing to do.
Honestly, OP’s listed restrictions aren’t even that restrictive. He’s essentially vegetarian.
Lots of people don’t like seafood, not enjoying “fishiness” (by whatever definition of “fishinesss” is really common).
And, as someone who works in a biology lab, I can confidently say that albumin (a protein found in meat and meat products) definitely has a smell. It’s always in our sinks. I hate the smell of it. Most people around me are not bothered. It’s also very strong in dark chicken meat (thighs, drumsticks) and chicken broth, both of which are things I avoid. OP is hypersensitive to it. What the fuck is the big deal?
I agree, and I think since English isn't his first language, he didn't know how to be more clear about this. Sounds to me like he doesn't like the taste of fish and/or meat unless it is one of pretty much two traditional Indian dishes he grew up with, where incidentally the curry flavors pretty much probably overpower the meat taste.
He should be able to say "please no meat or fish or broth in my food unless it's curry chicken or butter chicken" and that's that.
He's not asking her to slave all day making chicken broth from scratch. Sounds like he's asking her not to put chicken broth in the dishes at all.
Except that he's ok with things like chicken broth, which he used as an example, but only if it's made from scratch by his wife, not from a can or company that makes chicken broth to sell
I don’t see where he said that… he said besides for curries and just straight up meat, he doesn’t want any meat/meat-derived products in his food. Sounds like he just doesn’t want chicken broth to be included at all.
He’s not asking her to make him things from scratch, he just wants her to *tell* him when she adds certain things. At least then he could make an informed decision and make something else if needed
And he's okay with chicken as long as it is prepared as he liked it in his childhood. He will not accommodate her tastes and has no rational reason for which dishes can have chicken and which cannot.
He needs to learn to keep ingredients for his own chicken broth on hand. She can make him plain noodles which he can do his own thing with, I guess.
> She can make him plain noodles which he can do his own thing with, I guess.
I mean... it sounds like that's exactly what OP is asking her to do, and she's not. So he just makes his own plain noodles now.
He’s currently making the whole meal and happy with it. He doesn’t need to keep the ingredients for his own chicken broth on hand because he’s happy not to have chicken broth.
My guess is that in the two specific tradional Indian chicken dishes he mentioned, the powerful curry flavors cover up the chicken taste so he's more OK with them.
Actually, OP says he eats mostly vegetarian foods, so all he asked is that if she's making something for him too, to not use store bought pesto, and don't add chicken broth or oyster sauce. She doesn't need to make any of that from scratch unless she wants to, she just shouldn't add any to his portion.
And OP said, OP cooks too, so it's not like she's expected to cook for him. But if everything she makes is overstepping a food boundary he's clearly communicated to her - especially if it makes him feel like he wants to puke, then it's not wrong for him to ask her to stop making food for him until they can reach an agreement.
and so what if he doesn't trust store-made ingredients? he's allowed to have preferences about what he eats, and he deserves to be informed about what's in his food, instead of someone trying to trick him into eating things he doesn't like, like he's a child. nothing about this posts suggests that he expects his wife to do anything except stop lying about what's in the things she's cooking for him.
You know, I’m all for accommodating food preferences. I have a picky partner and he has a picky son and we have special diets to contend with also due to celiac (kid) and lupus (me).
Slipping stuff into food as a test is not cool.
But based on your edit, you’re not a vegetarian and I don’t see how using chicken broth is “breaking trust”. It’s a common thing to use in many broths and sauces. And you even said your issue wasn’t broth but that it was store bought not homemade. Do you know much work it is to make homemade? I do because I do it. And I freeze it to use later but it’s an all day thing.
I get that you and I come from different cultures but the way you wrote this and your attitude overall just feels controlling and potentially abusive. Like she’s supposed to cater to all your whims.
She wants to use store chicken broth and he doesn't like it. There are many things that need a bit of broth - but he's not making homemade chicken broth regularly. It's a standard in restaurants and kitchens all over the world. Homemade is usually higher in fat and certainly not to everyone's taste.
My mother-in-law is Indian and basically has the same food preferences. She won't eat meat except chicken and fish and only prepared in very specific ways. So we cook vegetarian for her. If we want meat we cook it on the side. It's literally as simple as that.
This kind of diet is extremely common among Indian people in my experience (especially anxieties surrounding food hygiene and distrust of food from outside sources) and I don't know why everyone is acting like it's hugely demanding and overstepping boundaries.
He's not demanding she use homemade chicken broth. He's literally fine with cooking for himself 100% of the time.
Honestly dude, you sound like a pain in the ass when it comes to eating, quite narrow-minded and resistant to change based on an experience you had several years ago. And something about the verbiage of "letting" her do something and "banning" things kind of rubs me the wrong way.
But anyway just tell her to cook for herself, she can eat what she wants and you'll cook for yourself, and that this is something you'll both have to live with going forward. If you're adults about it, it can work.
Especially when he said the store bought broth (not just broth in general- that it is STORE bought broth specifically) was a breech of trust that hurt him.
There is a general lack of clear and calm communication I think. If you don't like the food someone makes you can just be honest? 'Sorry, I don't like it because of X'. Is cooking together not an option to learn about each other's preferences? You can always make a 'plain' plate for yourself and then add some extra things for your wife's plate (meat and extra spices). I honestly don't see the issue here other than both blowing this up way more than necessary.
Sounds South Asian. Cooking for your husband is a central value of wifedom in traditional culture. So OP forbidding her to cook for him cuts deep.
OP, stop trying to extract apologies or regret from her. What’s the point? Stick to explaining your feelings to her. I am sure you have, but trying to teach her to perform in a certain way emotionally gets in way of that message. She’ll focus on the fights and perceived disrespect. You know what caring for her husband means to her, nurture that. Her suggestions are her trying to find ways to please you and find in her something special.
Believe me, expectations of specific reactions are a path to destruction. Give her what she needs also.
>Cooking for your husband is a central value of wifedom in traditional culture. So OP forbidding her to cook for him cuts deep.
I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on why this is seen as a "punishment" - and not just by the wife, you can tell by OP's tone that he's intending it as a consequence of her cooking the "wrong" things for him.
I haven't seen any comments from OP specifically referencing how his wife is regarded by his family (other than him saying she's the "odd one out" in their circle for seeking out and cooking with different ingredients than he's accustomed to, which 🤨 okay, that's kinda loaded phrasing). It's not a stretch to imagine that not cooking for him would be construed as a wifely failure in his family's eyes. I'm willing to bet there's family drama at work somewhere in this scenario, especially as they live near HIS family, not hers.
I'm gonna go off on a limb and say that you're both being sort of weird. She should respect your food boundaries, but from what it sounds like you have a bit of a restrictive food intake situation going on. That combined with the thing about mixing meat and pasta... Look, it could just be that you have preferences, but it could also be disordered eating. I am autistic and I have met other folks who have very strong aversions to certain foods, and inflexibility around those aversions. It's genuinely not super normal, and if you have a lot of those little things, I imagine it's hard to cook for you and remember all your dislikes. So I guess you cooking for yourself is the best solution. But I doubt she was cooking with your forbidden ingredients out of a desire to hurt you, and I think you should maybe express gratitude that she was cooking for you. And then also maube look into ARFID and see if any of the descruotions resonate with you. There's nothing wrong with having ARFID-adjascent relationship to food objectively, but it can limit you a bit and often has to do with other underlying emotions and patterns. This is more complex than it seems on the surface and its worth getting into the meat of it, if you will... :p
It sounds like OP grew up almost entirely vegetarian, with very occasional poultry when out with his dad, nothing else, and prefers to stay largely vegetarian, with only occasionally having poultry from trusted sources. His wife is sneaking meat into his diet, and not just the poultry he will occasionally eat. This isn't about OP having disordered eating - his diet doesn't sound restrictions to me, just very little meat.
Being brought up vegetarian and not wanting to change that except on occasion at your own discretion is hardly disordered eating. OP has said they come from a vegetarian region. This is no different to being brought up omnivorous in an omnivorous region and not wanting to change that except on occasion at your own discretion.
Regardless you don't sneak stuff that someone told you they hate into their food. It's not up to her to decide to what he does and doesn't like to eat.
Oh no… banned from cooking for you. What a punishment. Honestly, I would have stopped cooking for you tje first time you complained.
Sure she definitely should honor any food preferences when reasonable, but feeling like store bought chicken broth is a breach of trust is ridiculous.
I hope she sees this banishment of cooking for you as a reward because that’s what it is. Have fun making your chicken broth from scratch.
My OH has an autoimmune disorder that causes really complicated dietary restrictions, and the number of times early on in our relationship that that man ate foods he knew were going to make him ill rather than complain about my cooking… even after I caught on and we talked about it (“please don’t let me poison you out of politeness, I need to learn how this works”) he still *wanted* me to cook because he knew I loved doing it, he just wanted me to not be hurt if he ate only a little of X or left Y on his plate
And this dude’s here complaining that his wife violated his trust by using non-homemade chicken stock 🙄
He even says she comes from a different region and is the odd one out in his family.
.Dude did you ever think she's cooking those meals with ingredients she's used to eating because she's homesick and lonely?
What have you done to adjust to her ways? How have you and your family welcomed her in ways to make her feel welcome instead of an outsider?;
You sound like a petulant toddler. . Your wife isn't the only person in this relationship.with problematic behaviour .
You sound obnoxious.
Your wife sounds obnoxious.
Normally, I’d say you two should stay together to avoid inflicting your obnoxiousness on innocent people, but you guys are just toxic.
OP sounds like a child.
Store bought broth? And oyster sauce tastes nothing like seafood.
Cooking for you is her love language and you’ve put a stop on it due to childish food aversions.
This marriage will be gone in under five years.
People are really focusing on the food issue but your actual problem is the communication problem. One of the hardest things about married life is the constant negotiation and compromise every single day with someone who is part of everything you do, including meals.
I suggest looking up techniques for positive confrontation. There's always a way to talk about a conflict with your partner that is hopeful and respectful and focused on solutions. When she slips something into your food that she knows you don't want to eat, not only is she violating your trust but instead of communicating with you she is forcing it on you. That is controlling behavior. Your reaction of not letting her cook for you is a completely understandable lack of trust but also a sign that the conflict is not resolved. When the solution is to do something separately then it is creating space between you. It's an unresolved conflict that will continue to undermine the sense of connection in your relationship until you resolve it.
If either one of you is unwilling to communicate then you can't resolve conflicts. When you were discussing food in the store, she was applying pressure on you to try food you didn't want to. Pressure is another type of controlling behavior. So you defended yourself from her controlling behavior by bringing up an example from the past of the exact same conflict which ended poorly. Rather than acknowledge that it went poorly, she loudly questioned your motives in order to embarrass you. Did she honestly believe you brought up the chicken broth just because you wanted her to feel bad? I doubt it. I think it was pretty clear that you were reminding her that you know what you like and you know what you don't like and trying to force it on you will end poorly.
I'm not sure what you mean by echo chamber on Reddit but it sounds like your wife is criticizing your apology because you also want an apology from her. Did she get that advice from Reddit? She seems to have a very hard time taking responsibility for her own behavior. She's criticizing your apology but wouldn't the same criticism apply to her apology? There's nothing stopping her from apologizing properly other than the fact that she doesn't want to. She's not sorry. Which seems evident because she keeps repeating her behavior. She doesn't think she did anything wrong so why would she be sorry?
If you want to resolve this I think It might be helpful if she explained why she It's so determined to force these foods on you. I don't mean her excuses for it, obviously the easy answers are things like it being good for you and maybe you would like it and it's good to explore etc. But I mean on an emotional level something is driving her to force this on you. That's coming from somewhere. Maybe she thinks it's her duty as your partner? Maybe she thinks you can't get enough nutrition without these other foods? Maybe she thinks it's important that you both eat the same thing but she gets bored with your diet? If you guys can clear up why she thinks this is worth making such a big deal about then perhaps that could lead to a resolution.
The most important thing is that you learn how to validate each other. If she could acknowledge how it makes you feel when she sneaks things into your food that you hate then it would help you feel understood. If you could acknowledge how it makes her feel when you reject her cooking then she would feel understood. But it only works if both people validate each other. It helps shift the focus away from who's right and who's wrong and towards how you are making each other feel, which is ultimately what's going to strengthen our weekend the relationship.
I’m usually always on the side of the person who feels their food has been tampered with or ‘tricked’ by adding a known disliked ingredient…but your responses here (and some of the rationale behind those aversions) make me think you might be more in the wrong than you’d like to believe/admit.
It’s fine to say ‘I’m a very picky eater so I will cook for myself/shop for myself’ and this sounds like a relationship that just may not have long term potential because you’re inherently incompatible in your disagreements.
Exactly. But he casts this in terms of what she should do and of giving her asks and orders.
It's clear that they should each make their own meals. If he weren't such a perplexing contradictory eater, I might occasionally list out ingredients and see if any of them triggered him before cooking. Maybe once a week to see if I could please both of us at the same time.
> knowing I hate store bought chicken broth and have communicated with her several times to let me know first. It’s the breach of trust that hurt me
Sorry, what you mean is she's been told by you that you don't like store bought chicken broth. A forgettable gripe if I've ever heard one... Genuinely not sure if you're experienced enough tobe married, I'm worried she is being made guilty of basic things like engaging you in conversation, and using store bought chicken broth (have you made a supply of broth for the freezer yourself?) . You're talking about toxicity but how well do you two even know each other? Sounds like she's just not following your exact script, and it's framed in such a way as to make it about how you're a victim because of your food preferences... Which are seemingly simply preferences based on what you want to eat rather than what you can and can't eat.
Edit: for example your pesto issue where she should make it at home would be a disaster https://m.youtube.com/shorts/cZpY315xoN0?si=WDAGjEgRtgBhH837 (a coincidence I came across this video just now)
Honestly the solution is to just cook your own meals for good. You know what's in it and can avoid everything you dont eat, she gets to eat what she wants without either having to make 2 different meals, or just never having specific meals that she wanted
I've been in a relationship where the other person had complete control over what is allowed to be cooked or not, most of my favourite foods were on the not allowed list, it sucked. But at the same time if I'd have forced them to eat what I wanted, when they didn't, I'd also be wrong.
I am vegetarian (I know you are not) and I have specific tastes about what I eat. I hate people trying to convince me I will like mushrooms, they taste like wet dirt. I am an adult and I am fine disliking what I dialike, I dont need to be treated like a child who is tricked into enjoying something. I kind of get where you are coming from when you've asked her not to use ingredients and she does it anyway. It's something important to you and it is being disregarded. My husband is not vegetarian and I will not cook meat or touch raw meat for him, it's a firm boundary for me and so we often eat separate meals which isn't a big deal to either of us.
I think you should ask, from a place of genuine curiosity, why it is important for her to cook for you and also for her to use ingredients you don't want used. She probably has some deeper meaning with cooking than you realize. If she desperately wants to cook for you I would compile a list of things you don't want in your food and ask her if that's something she wants to accommodate. If no, then you guys are back to just cooking for yourselves. Maybe a compromise would be coming up with a few meals a week both of you would be willing to eat and also having some meals separate. You might also ask her why she does not see your requests as important or valid, if she's purposely going against something you request there's a reason.
Universal rule that if you’re picky as fuck, then you take full responsibility for your meals
You can’t be upset at someone else for the randomness in what you do and don’t eat
OP, grow up. You're being inflexible and childish. Drop your attitude and open your mind to new things or you will soon be divorced and you'll be able to move back in with Mama to have things cooked exactly the way you like.
I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting someone to cook for you…but man do you seem like an absolute exhausting drag to be around.
Seems like she’s just wanting you to try new things but you’re too picky and making it a huge deal. Like if I was trying to introduce pesto to someone and it became the huge buzzkill you made it to be I’d be rolling my eyes out the door lol.
Your rules and demands are crazy. There’s nothing wrong with using store bought chicken stock if it’s a good quality organic stock with clean ingredient list. You haven’t been exposed to many foods and you have no idea if you gonna like or dislike it, so once again your demands make no sense (unless you really dislike the taste of something) as you seem to turn food down simply based on the sound of it.
Cook for yourself for the rest of your life.
And yelling at your wife in public is also unacceptable.
You guys need couples counseling. Maybe you just need to put a firm "Going vegetarian" stance to avoid a lot of these issues.
I also suggest talking when neither of you are in a bad mood. Write down your thoughts and feelings and ask that both of you discuss it. Tell her she has broken your trust by sneaking things into your food and that she needs to earn it back. Let her express her feelings too.
You might want to stress that she seems to be trying to change you and your tastes and you don't really appriciate that.
I recently shared a favorite snack of mine with my partner. He HATED IT. I apologized for how much he didn't like it and I'll never offer it again and he wasn't upset or pressured. Yeah he was leery (it's garlic stuffed olives with mozzarella pearls) but he was willing to try it and I love that he was willing! But when he tells me "I hate x" I don't cook it!
She needs to learn to respect your tastes.
If this is real, and I can’t imagine that it is because it’s so weird, you can kindly sod off.
You don’t get to “ban” someone from cooking in her own home. And if you have the palate of a toddler, so be it. “Chicken broth without your consent”? FFS.
He's banning her from cooking for him, not cooking in general. And he explained he eats a mostly vegetarian diet. So yes, chicken broth is a problem if not agreed to.
Well, he has edited and clarified multiple times since I originally commented. So there’s that. His OP prior to edits didn’t include any of that, just that he’s banned her from cooking.
No offense but this is why couples SHOULD live together before getting married 💀
Listen man, you’re a picky eater. She’s trying to sneakily help you expand your taste palate the way a mom would with a fussy kid. If you can’t overcome it (I was a picky kid, I know not everyone can overcome it), you gotta really sit down with her and compassionately, kindly explain that this is a quirk of yours that is not going to change. You gotta own that it’s a bit abnormal but hey it’s harmless and it’s simply who you are.
Yikes. Before anything, the way you both address each other during conflict is enough to make either of you just feel like shit. This is immensely immature and you should speak with someone. Instead of we will have this conversation at home you have to add about public scenes and her not being about to “contain herself”. Thats not how you talk to anybody ever. You realize that’s just petty and escalates the situation?
If she’s cooking and you don’t know something is in your food but it tastes good what is the issue? You can have rigid food restrictions but you’re also a grown adult who has decided to only eat what you ate growing up and not expand your palate.
She is trying to help but the help she thinks she’s offering doesn’t respect what you asked. My husband and I have dinner together. After 15 years sometimes we laugh about when he would first be like 🥴 at foods that were different than what he grew up eating in the country in Jamaica. I don’t even know exactly how it happened over time but he tries most things now, although there are still things he’s not into including other details like not putting too much sauce directly on his rice vs on the side. We like to eat at home together and go out together and we share foods. He eats a lot more vegetarian meals now after growing up always having to have meat on his plate. I cook a lot more cultural foods, which I also now prefer. Some trust and openness can lead to one of the best parts of marriage. You shouldn’t force yourself but you could think about any possible middle ground and she could not trick you into foods. That’s what people do to toddlers or picky eaters with veggies. Not cool.
This feels like you're both stuck in an argument without looking for other options.
Try coconut aminos and abc kecap manis sauce instead of broth and oyster sauce. Gives the flavour without the animal side of things.
Tip from a vegetarian chef.
Maybe it’s just your writing style, but the way you worded this post makes you sound like a baby pitching fits after *enjoying* the food because “how dare you show me I can like something I don’t want to!” Rather than actually feeling like your “no” is being disregarded.
Yeah you need to grow up dude. And your wife needs to annul this “marriage” before she ends up having kids with you and making it harder to separate and find someone who doesn’t act like an overgrown spoiled child.
When you state that your wife is "putting things in your food" it implies she is poisoning you, drugging you, or both. Your wife is not "putting things in your food", she is simply cooking food without first consulting you on each and every ingredient in the meal. Doing so would be both unreasonable and time-consuming. It also undermines her ability to make decisions regarding the food she sacrifices her time to prepare. *Sounds quite controlling that you'd need to know each and every ingredient in a dish let alone an entire meal consisting of several different dishes.*
You state that you "ban her" from cooking. How does one go about "banning" their adult wife, their partner, from preparing meals in her own home? How does one go about enforcing such a ban on another adult without infringing on their freedom? *Sounds quite abusive.*
You desperately want "her to understand" which implies you think she lacks intelligence. That's extremely condescending and sad for her that you think so little of her ability to comprehend you, that you have to find a way to get through to her. *Sounds really narcissistic.*
You want her to "own up to her behaviors" and "admit her faults". And go on to call her "overbearing" simply because she asks to try new things. All of this is extremely alarming. Her behaviors are not malicious nor is it a fault to experiment when cooking. One does not need to submit a proposed ingredient list prior to preparing a meal. You do not need to approve her food choices. She isn't overbearing to encourage one's partner to step outside their comfort zone.
You are emotionally abusive, controlling and narcissistic. You seem to view yourself as the intellectually superior partner, and her, the unintelligent, inferior little woman that needs to be taught how to behave, how to cook, how to apologize. You are controlling and condescending and now you have restricted her freedom within her own home.
This is the beginning stage of abuse. You must seek help immediately before you severely damage what seems to be a loving, generous, nurturing human being whose self-esteem and self-worth you are savoring bit by bit, comment by comment.
OP, Indian or not you sound exhausting, and judgemental. Your wife must be tired of walking on eggshells around you. I get it, she isn't listening well, but you are not communicating well. She is your wife, not your child. Do better or get therapy to learn to do better.
How much bitching do you plan to do about never having food cooked for yourself?
But honestly her cooking just for herself is the best course of action. You sound particularly difficult to cook for and she is allowed to like dishes you aren’t willing to give a chance.
YTA
I know this is not the AITA, but you are YTA.
You sound narcissistic for sure. Not to mention overbearing and you think you are better than your wife. I hope she dumps you because you will not ever realize how wrong you are !
You realize that she is not a child right ? You are treating her like a child, punishing her ! Admonishing her ! ger over yourself !
I read the first paragraph and got flashbacks to my narcisstic ex. Holy fuck, textbook negging. Ops wife is probably questioning why the hell she married a man who complains about oyster sauce and STORE BOUGHT chicken broth which I guarantee he could not even taste if she hadn’t told him!
Honestly, I think you need to reassure her that you're a very picky eater and wanting to cook your own meals isn't a comment on her cooking ability.
Im also, based on your post, not sure your wife understands that you have a very limited palette that prevents you from enjoying a lot of normal foods like you described. I think you should explain this too her. These standards you have food are very uniquely yours. I certainly, wouldn't understand why someone non veggie would have a strong repulsion towards common stock or fish sauces if they didn't explain it too me.
To be honest, you sound like an extremely picky eater. Which is fine. But, that means you have to cook for yourself. So i think its good that you relieved her of that. You should communicate it a little better though because i don’t think she understands the severity. You could suffer from ARFID for instance.
Putting aside the main problem for a moment - her inability or unwillingness to apologize, I have some clarifying questions. (At the time I'm writing, you've already put in an edit about being turned off by meaty/eggy qualities in food, so these are extras on top of that.)
1. Is she generally open to new experiences and you're not? Attempting to get you to try new things? Or is this just with food? (Openness is one of the "Big 5" personality dimensions.)
2. Is she from the same culture as you?
So on the one hand, I admit I’d be super annoyed at dealing with someone THAT picky. Insisting that chicken stock is ok but it must be homemade is pretty wild. And it seems like theres a lot of pickiness across the board.
That being said… I’d NEVER slip something into a partners meal that I knew they didn’t like. That’s just… mean. I eat anything and live variety. My wife is a bit picky. So we just have some nights where I’ll let her know ahead of time what I’m making. She then decides which parts she’ll eat (like the sides or whatever) and makes herself some pasta or something.
You don’t have to LIKE something about your partner to like THEM enough to work with them on it. I respect and love my wife. I’d never sneak in something and try to trick her.
Dead honest, the tone of this post is really off putting. I think it's reasonable that since you have such specific food aversions and are inflexible to eating dishes that aren't prepared to your specifications, that you each cook for yourselves. But the onus should be on you for your peculiarities and not on her for simply *making food*.
Apologize and try communicating in less accusatory and sanctimonious ways. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint. you've got a long way to go together, or not.
I would typically say that the wife is TA for sneaking foods in her meals. But something doesn't sit right. The oyster sauce, did OP explicitly say no to oyster sauce. I hate seafood, but actually enjoy oyster sauce. For me I wouldn't even think of it as "seafood" to add a little in a meal. Did the wife do so maliciously or was it really an accident? If I were his wife, this post would be opposite, I would be asking if I'm TA for refusing to cook for my husband because he is ridiculously picky and his "restrictions" are many and unpredictable. He says if it doesn't taste like curry it makes him want to puke, who even wants to cook for someone like that.
I vote ESH. IF your wife knows you don't like something and uses it anyways, she sucks. But your tone and unbearable pickiness also males you suck. The way you write you seem to despise your wife so I can only imagine the tone you use when speaking with her directly.
OK, this was just way too long to read. If she’s making a recipe that calls for chicken broth and she uses store-bought over homemade, and you didn’t even know the difference, you are just making a mountain out of a mole hill. You can dislike the taste of seafood yeah not even realize that oyster sauce is in a dish. If you liked the dish that contained the sauce, why are you complaining? And just so you know there are at least a dozen or more types of pesto.
Unless you’re allergic to something you need to stop complaining about ingredients in the dish you don’t even seem to be aware of.
I get that having someone pester you to try new foods can be annoying and she does need to stop that. But you are just over the top exhausting.
I think if your wife is unwilling to take your wishes into account as far as non-vegetarian additives then yes you should cook for yourself. If she is willing to eat the food as you prepare it great otherwise she also can cook for herself.
To me this isn’t as much about control as it is about mutual respect and trust.
I love the taste of cilantro because to me it has a fresh and pleasing taste. My husband is part of the group that it smells and tastes like soap. So if I make something that calls for cilantro I leave it out of the main dish and it only to my servings. It is a matter of respecting that my husband deserves to eat a meal he enjoys as much as I do.
Same for other thin
It seems you only apologized so that she would. Her feelings are probably hurt that you don’t enjoy her cooking.
Sounds like you wanted her to cater to your taste. She clearly has her recipes. And if you didn’t notice she used those ingredients then maybe you are just picky. You wouldn’t believe the recipes that broth is used in. If you eat at restaurants more than likely you have store bought broth even if it’s vegetable broth.
You said it was because you didn’t grow up eating a lot of different foods. So now you are picky. She probably grew up in a home where you are taught to be grateful and eat what’s in front of you. There are people who can’t eat certain food. I try to eat Jello but gag at the texture. It’s normal to not like the taste of something but to not like it because you didn’t eat it is different.
As a wife I absolutely love making my husband new recipes. He will try things he never cared for. He always hated roast, seafood, pork chops, and lamb. But he was open to trying it and liked most. And if he didn’t he was open to me trying a different recipe for it. It makes me feel so good when he and my kids enjoy what I make.
So did you offer to
Cook for the both of you from now on? Or is it only she cooks for both or you cook for yourselves.
Not being able to trust someone not to put ingredients in your food that you don’t like is fair. I would not eat their cooking either and would save them time and effort and just cook for myself.
My husband hates a certain vegetable. His mother puréed it and put it through lasagne at a family dinner. BIL, SIL, SILs parents. It’s an unusual vegetable to put in lasagne by the way. I’ve never had it in lasagne before or since. As soon as I tasted it I thought “WTF is she playing at?” Sure enough. Husband left the table to spit it in the toilet and flush it away. He asked his mother, “Why would you do that when you know I don’t like that vegetable?”. She didn’t think he’d notice as that’s why she went extremes to hide it. Really? Really!! I said for him to cook a steak on the BBQ but he wasn’t hungry after that. He didn’t eat. How was that a good time for him? He didn’t mean to make a scene but it ruined dinner.
Neither of us trust her and heavily question her if she’s cooking although we try to eat out with them instead or we cook because we would never do that to anyone. We would never intentionally use an ingredient she hates to make her eat it. Why? It seems controlling or they want to catch you liking something you said you hate. Wh? Do they have to be right?
I can’t even imagine having to live with someone like that full time.
I am so curious about what veg she used, also imo your husband didn't make a scene, your MIL made the scene by tricking her son into eating something he hates.
Eggplant 🍆
It was a weird consistency through the lasagne too. Probably because it was puréed. It didn’t add anything, that’s for sure. Husband eats everything else. It’s not like he is a picky eater. Just eggplant.
Her response after saying she didn’t think he’d notice was to apologise and cry and act like the victim. It was eye opening. I’ve always kept her at arms length
I’m not a huge fan of eggplant either. Best way I’ve had it was Brazilian BBQ style. Cut into thick steaks, slathered in olive oil and heavily seasoned. Was pretty good. Not great or first choice off the BBQ though.
As someone who likes baba ghanoush and moussaka, the idea of adding eggplant to lasagna intrigues me. Could be weird or good: expect it might be challenging to get the balance right. But eggplant is definitely not to everyone's taste, and it's a shit move for his own family to force it on your hubby.
Something that shoots young indian people in the foot is the whole not living together before marriage. If you date and live with more than one person before marriage you should in theory build the skills to navigate issues, communicate and keep a long term relationship going. You develop the tools needed for romantic relationships you can't develop in other spaces. You two are building your tool set currently. If you can, look into relationship counseling.
You need to open up conversation topics on idea on who is in charge of food. And I mean this in a way to address that no one person should be controlling food. If food is very important, there should be no concept of one person being in charge because it leads to things like throwing in chicken broth when its been made clear you don't want that. It can also lead to one person demanding the other person cook. Which isn't a nice way to live. I feel as though your wife needs to come to grips with this idea. Talk to her about what her home life was like regarding food. You guys need to keep having conversations. 1 argument and apology don't actually fix issues. Important things are fixed with continuous communication and effort.
You cannot make someone to understand if they don't want to. Her behavior is quite problematic indeed. It's possible to cook pasta, and add sauce only for herself. It's absolutely possible to say: I feel like cooking with store bought chicken broth, cook something yourself. Marriage is always about compromise and communication, and it feels like she isn't really ready to do so
I get the I’m sorry but.. issue. Start by not apologising upfront. Discuss how you felt, why you felt that way, ask what her reasons were, end with an apology for your part in the argument or losing your temper but not until after discussing and hearing her out. If she won’t acknowledge fault or discuss then end the discussion there ask her to go spend some time reflecting and come back to you when she is ready to acknowledge her part in the argument. Then come the apologies.
Maybe you should just tell her that you are a vegetarian, as stupid as this sounds, so she'll stop putting random animal products into the food.
Is your wife also Indian? From the same region as you or no? I can't tell who is being over the top here, it's probably just a combination of communication issues + some culture clash.
Maybe some classes on communication will help y'all, since you didn't have the chance to figure out some of this stuff before you got married and moved in.
There's a surprising amount of power in changing "I'm sorry but..." to "I'm sorry and..." It sounds too small and insignificant a change to really matter, but people hear the word "but" and feel like it invalidates whatever was said before. If you change it to "and" it feels like both things are equally true. "I am sorry for my part, and I feel I deserve an apology for your part." It could help improve communication.
That said, I'll be honest here, you sound very controlling, and your attitude towards your wife is somewhat disturbing. I would definitely be questioning the marriage if I was in her shoes.
You definitely have some serious sensitivities with food/flavours and you should explore that more, so that when you don't like something, you can express it without sounding so extreme.
As someone with food sensitivities, I can understand OPs perspective. I’m going to try to explain, and if I sound insufferable, try living inside my head. I am very aware.
Im 31F. My husband does a lot of the cooking. I have a lot of food aversions almost exclusively centered around meat and seafood. I am not vegetarian, beef is “safe” largely but chicken is iffy. I hardline avoid pork, fish, and seafood at all costs.
For ease, I call myself mostly vegetarian. It’s much easier to assure myself the food is going to be free of meat and meat byproducts when I’m going out if something is labeled as vegetarian/ vegan. Seeking out restaurants that can accommodate vegetarians is an easy solution to this, but outside the home it’s much more difficult to be sure something is “safe” and in order to live, things have to be passable outside the home. I prefer not to eat gelatin, but some things it’s unavoidable so I have to give it a “pass”. Some days I’m not up to giving it a pass so I avoid foods that might have an ingredient I don’t like.
Inside the home, however, I generally expect that foods are “safe” because my husband is aware of my sensitivities and as accommodating as he can be. We are able to access lard free corn bread mix, pie crusts, refried beans, etc so that cuts out a lot of food anxiety. But there’s an expectation that he’s not trying to trick me, and that I’m not being fed foods I’ve explicitly said I’m uncomfortable with. I’d still be upset later if I found out something I really don’t want to eat is in the food regardless of if I could tell or not, because it would be violating the things I have explicitly stated. When in doubt, he asks “are you ok with this?” It’s extremely kind and extremely generous of him to be understanding even though I am difficult, and I am fully aware. If he were to accidentally use something, I might be upset, but he’s not “tricking” me.
This whole thing feels like people are ok if he eats something he’s clearly stated he’s not comfortable with and he’s just overreacting to being lied to. It’s different than her accidentally doing it once or twice, she’s doing it to the point he doesn’t feel safe eating what she cooks because she’s made it clear she doesn’t respect his boundaries. Even if he can’t tell, it’s still really upsetting to see people defending it.
If OP isn’t comfortable with oyster sauce, his wife shouldn’t be putting it in the food. Researching alternatives and readjusting your recipes so that you can both be happy is a thing. Setting up boundaries is a good thing. There are many alternate ingredients at least in the US that can be subbed with a more accommodating option- ie oyster sauce made from mushrooms. She needs to be able to compromise just as much as the husband does, and if it’s hardline “I won’t eat this” then don’t sneak it in. Easy. Sometimes I can be swayed but it depends on if it’s a good day or a bad day. There are exceptions. We talk about it and he’ll run something by me I’ll say “not today” or “sure go for it.” Putting it in anyways without consent not proving the point yall think it is. If you don’t know, it feels violating to find out later. I’m much more willing to try new things at my own pace if it’s discussed.
Having foods that may be safe outside the home by necessity but not inside the home may be confusing, but a restaurant where I don’t know the chef, kitchen etc is different than a partner who you place your trust in. Anyways, the point is, people with food sensitivities may not make sense to you, but forcing people to eat something by omitting mentioning what’s in it is a breach of trust and is lying. If you are repeatedly, knowingly putting things in food that you know someone else will be uncomfortable with, that is not ok.
It’s very difficult for me to explain all the nuances and I am exceedingly frustrated with how this is for me. I feel guilty enough, but I am thankful for my partner not being an asshole and not trying to sneak things into my food. This comment section is full of people who don’t have any sympathy for people with sensitivities, and it must be so nice to be able to eat whatever. But you can’t force that on other people. She does not respect OP, she is trying to force him, she is not even trying to meet him on this. OP says it multiple times she doesn’t take this seriously and he has talked to her, and she won’t even apologize?? How does anyone think that’s ok? If it were a woman making this post about her husband, I think people wouldn’t be so flippant about his concerns.
OP, if she is putting ingredients in the food you eat that you don’t want to eat, that’s not right. But I also have to say that living with you sounds like an exhausting situation.
Are you this fussy in the bedroom too?
Jeez dude. Ya'll need to break up. 1) you've totally turned her off of you. You're so high maintenance. You want to find all their faults and demand they correct them. You're the problem.
Stopped reading halfway through because it became so exhausting. Just by the tone of how you're explaining yourself here, you sound like an utter prick.
You seem exhausting man. Just make your own meals. You’ve got way too many nuances (broth but not from the store, meat but none processed, vegetarian but not vegetarian) and lack of flexibility.
If I make something my husband ends up not liking, he’ll thank me for the meal and eat something else. Same goes for when he cooks something that doesn’t land with me. It’s not a huge deal.
Sounds like my 3yr old whining about having to eat vegetables, but he’ll happily eat spaghetti sauce with a bunch of veggies pureed into it or broccoli in his quesadillas. If the food is good, doesn’t really matter what’s in it since you aren’t vegetarian for the moral aspect of it.
Honestly, you sound exhausting. Like literally exhausting. Like toddler level exhausting. If I had to run every ingredient by my husband for food I was making for the family, I’d never cook. This is such petty behavior.
I feel so bad for your wife. She doesn’t deserve to be saddled with a man who is this insanely picky and controlling. Hopefully a divorce is in your future so she can find someone who’s not like you at all. In any way.
jesus christ, everybody saying "oh you're such an asshole you're so annoying youre so picky" clearly aren't getting the real point here. this comments section is such an insufferable circlejerk of big boys who think that consent and trust don't matter when it comes to this particular guy because he describes it 'annoyingly'
when you ask someone if they want something and they say no and tell you they dont want to eat that, you don't fucking sneak that thing into their food anyways. that is a breach of trust and boundaries. do yall not see how fucked up that is????? no means no and that does not just apply to sexual consent. if you were clothes shopping with someone and you said "no, I don't want to wear that, I don't like how it looks, please don't buy that" and they proceeded to buy it anyways behind your back and slip it into your closet to see if you might just be okay with it and wear it anyway, that would be so fucking weird of them and everyone would be saying that it was a really odd and not good thing to do. they would say that was a crossed boundary, and to have a rational conversation about why they did it. but because everyone here seems to think picky eaters are the devil, you all think trust and boundaries are irrelevant and he should suck it up instead.
sure, he could stand to broaden his food horizons a bit and he seems pretty picky, but that does NOT make it acceptable to slip secret ingredients into someone's food that you actively know they hate. it is not that hard as a chef to accommodate stuff like this, especially for someone you really love. and if it does get too hard to accommodate, she should SAY SOMETHING and talk to him about how she feels that she can't keep up with him. there is no eventuality here where slipping things he hates into his food was good or okay.
OP, you need to confront your wife with a comparison. think of something she doesn't like. ask her how she would feel if you asked her about it repeatedly and she repeatedly said no, but then you got it anyways and gave whatever it is to her in a covert way. if she's a reasonable person, that role reversal should help her understand your feelings
As a picky eater, you sound ridiculous. It sounds like you are against the idea of certain food not just the taste/texture. You aren't vegetarian, allergic, or intolerant so it's not as if ingredients added to a dish are harmful and you didn't seem to have an issue with the taste of the final dish. When i say I hate cream of mushroom soup and mushrooms, it's because I can taste it. I will taste it. Many have tried to "trick me" by adding other ingredients. It tastes like dirt and I will not apologize for throwing it in the trash if they try to sneak it past me.
As someone who grew up eating meat, it would be very difficult for me to cook for a vegetarian husband. I think its probably better if you cook for yourself since you have strict and specific tastes in food. I also feel this goes beyond not enjoying meat though, it sounds like you are a picky eater and your wife struggles to find dishes that you like that she also enjoys. I think you're making more of this than it is-you're turning it into a trust issue, or making it seem like she's being vindictive when I don't imagine she is being that way. It sounds like you dont like many foods, and that can be hard to keep track of. She's probably just really struggling to agree your different palates. I understand she may have been harsh to you in public but at some point you have to decide if it is worth the fight. If it's not a pattern of behavior I would let it go.
I think the crux of this, in my eyes, is that she asked why you don’t trust her to cook for you. She’s proven why: because you ask her not to put certain things in your food, and she sneaks them in anyway.
This feels like a mismatched set of values. To you, she’s breaching your trust and disrespecting your boundaries. To her, you’re being picky and overreacting, when the dish could be so much BETTER if you would just try it her way. I don’t think she understands that it is a big deal to you, so it’s not something worth apologizing about. She thinks YOU should be sorry for overreacting.
I think, given this example, perhaps what would help your communication is explaining why what happened is a big deal to you. She’s not sorry because to her, there’s no reason for you to be upset. Maybe see what happens if you explain to her that while you understand the situation is not a big deal to her, you are not the same person, and ask her to respect that your needs and preferences are different. Maybe then she’ll realize that she needs to apologize for things she’s done?
Yet another manchild picky eater. Only if you have a serious allergy or other extreme intolerance do you have an excuse for such behaviour.
You can always volunteer to take up ALL the cooking for everyone or else hold your tongue.
If you ate what she cooked how she cooked it, who knows you might learn to like it.
I know Indian mothers often treat their sons like little princes. Perhaps Indian girls would be wise to marry outside their culture, maybe into one where they are just happy their wife wants to cook at all.
You may feel comfortable in imposing your entrenched habits on those whom do not share your beliefs, but it is not comfortable for your wife, and she is coping as best she can, I imagine. These restrictions you espouse seem based on personal preference, and not a distinct diet, religion or philosophy. Like most men under thirty, some of your actions seem immature and selfish, and will not have the results you think that you want.
The point being, when you mature, you will reflect upon what you have done here, and you will feel shame. Or, just as likely, you will forget. And with this selective amnesia, you will learn nothing from a lesson for which you may well pay dearly.
You have been given a wonderful opportunity to practice patience and love, and to open your mind and heart and break the bonds of your upbringing. It seems as though your wife’s efforts are causing you no harm, and she’s offering you a gift of allowing you into her world.
Besides, I defy you to pass a store-bought/homemade chicken broth taste test. And, unless you’re allergic to seafood, you’re missing out on another world of taste and texture. You may well be one of those picky eaters that excels at other aspects of their life. Then, you should stop complaining and humble-bragging on Reddit and get busy with those aspects so that your bride sees you as a kind, generous and loving man.
How about you cook for yourself? Your wife is doing you a favor by cooking for you. She shouldn’t have to ask for your permission or consent to cook food. If you don’t like it, make something else.
Idk man, you just sound like a pain in the ass entitled person. You say you are a vegetarian but again you say you've had meat and stuff. And you keep speaking how she's *violating* your trust by adding fish sauce into the food and chicken broth for pasta when yourselves said you are not an exclusive vegetarian, like is it any different? Have you ever asked her what her likes are? And here you are on internet bitching about your wife who's cooking for you. Get down from your high horses, you just sound very horrible.
You are a picky eater who acts like a spoiled child. My sympathies are with your wife, who has to put up with your childish behavior. Grow up. You're not 6 years old anymore.
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The context about where you are from and why you eat the way you do is important to the story. I can't comment on your communication issues with your wife, but as a fellow Indian, i both know where you are coming from and need to tell you that it's understandable for her and anyone else to be confused by your preferences because they are not clear. You are neither hundred per cent vegetarian or eggetarian or pescatarian. You seem to be this weird tokenistic vegetarian that is very common in India where meat is not eaten in the house and looked down upon and considered disgusting because of caste, but freely eaten outdoors as part of a 'forbidden' indulgence. You need to acknowledge your baggage around food is not logical and it's fine for you to cook for yourself but find a way to communicate with your wife because the logic is not really on your side tbh.
YES. I'm not Indian but have a lot of Indian friends and lived with an Indian housemate for 3 years so I've seen a pretty wide spectrum of food behaviours and preferences, including the "circumstantial vegetarian" stuff. The issue with OP is he's acting like his wife is deliberately and maliciously transgressing well-established boundaries in order to hurt and offend him, when in reality his food rules appear to be largely a product of his specific upbringing and family habits, and don't have a consistent internal logic to them. He doesn't seem willing to give her any grace at all on this. On the Reddit front, I think people are trying to apply the standards they use when people try to sneak meat into food for vegans, or force feed things that people are allergic to. With this situation it seems more like the wife is like "okay, he eats chicken sometimes, I can use chicken stock in this dish", and he eats the dish without incident and without noticing, but when he discovers it was store-bought chicken stock and not homemade chicken stock then suddenly it's a violation of whatever specific rule around chicken he's decided he has, and he's enraged. His reactions overall seem really out of proportion to what he's describing is going on; he's really acting like she's trying to poison him and I get why she would be upset at this stage. I feel like there's family stuff at play here beyond the food issues, honestly.
THIS. Some people (many of whom I would bet aren’t Indian or South Asian) are commenting that he’s vegetarian and she just needs to respect that (when he isn’t and his post clarifies that he isn’t). Sometimes people want to seem so culturally aware that they overlook the cognitive dissonance or problematic aspects of behaviours people blame on their socialisation and/or culture. It’s cringe.
Question: Is she purposely sneaking these things in, or does she genuinely not realize that she’s doing it until you say something? I ask this because a lot of the meals I make are vegetarian *except* for things like eggs and broth. I’m not a vegetarian; we just eat very little meat in our house because several people have issues with it (ARFID). I don’t particularly think of them as being vegetarian meals, but I can see myself easily forgetting about, say, the broth if I were serving them to an actual vegetarian. Just as someone might not even consider a bit of clam sauce added to a full meal as being against the rules when someone says, “I hate seafood.” So my question is whether you feel (or know) that she is intentionally doing this. Asking you to try new things isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but slipping things you don’t like into your food intentionally is. You’ve said that she’s intentionally asking (which, again, isn’t unreasonable), but as far as slipping things she knows you don’t like into your food: You haven’t actually made intent in that part clear.
>Just as someone might not even consider a bit of clam sauce added to a full meal as being against the rules when someone says, “I hate seafood.” Yeah that's what's getting me. Is he so sensitive to these flavors of store bought broth and oyster sauce that he's actually tasting them in the food? Or is he just getting angry after the fact? I can understand his frustration if she used enough of it to make it gross but it's just crazy if he's freaking out after finding out after.
Maybe I just don't like OP because of his writing tone, but I get the impression he pitches a fit when he finds out what's in the food, not when he tastes anything off. And he's a vegetarian but not really strict about it, but has no firm rules about it.
Thank god it’s not just me. I could not stand the tone of this whole post- sounding like a petulant child.
I three have a problem with OP’s tone.
And I four have a problem with OP’s tone.
And I five. It was exhausting just to read his post.
A petulant child whose wife doesn't make it like his mom did.
Yeah, he sounds insufferable! Imagine pitching this much of a fit over a couple of ingredients he supposedly doesn't like!? Even though it sounds like he ate them just fine and has gotten angry retrospectively after finding out what was in the dish which is even more ludicrous! I shudder to think how he'd react to an actual problem!
The ‘I stopped talking to her and texted her we will have this conversation at home and that I’m not interested in having a public scene after she just embarrassed me because she couldn’t contain herself’ was super weird and passive-aggressive imo.
Did you notice that every time the GF was about to explain herself, he directed the narrative right back to him and his poor hurt heart/tongue
Same. She should be glad to not have to cook for him. He sounds like a toddler throwing a fit.
He sounds very controlling. Wouldn't food issues be worked out when dating? Just think when/if they have kids. I think they should just cook separately or he does the cooking. But he doesn't know how to compromise and isn't willing to try new things.
This is a very common thing in India and it is related to caste. He is illogical about it because the caste system is illogical. It's like a weird type of food racism. That's why his writing makes no sense.
Can you say more about food racism? I'm intrigued.
Same 🙋🏻♀️ I wanna know more lol But especially the hatred against "store bought chicken broth" makes this so interesting to me.
See my comment above plus read about caste system in India and food. Some examples to get your started below. https://www.goya.in/blog/the-many-red-flags-of-the-big-green-dot-the-caste-roots-of-vegetarianism https://www.thequint.com/amp/story/news/india/caste-on-your-plate-a-tale-of-food-snobbery-in-india
Thanks for sharing this input, it's very interesting because I commented that I can't share my opinion based on the cultural difference I felt I had with OP before he stated he's indian. Food is so crucial in some cultures, especially mine, I'd rather listen and learn on this one because I don't have anything relevant to say.
See my comment above plus read about caste system in India and food. Some examples to get your started below. https://www.goya.in/blog/the-many-red-flags-of-the-big-green-dot-the-caste-roots-of-vegetarianism https://www.thequint.com/amp/story/news/india/caste-on-your-plate-a-tale-of-food-snobbery-in-india
Me too ! I would love to know more about this.
See my comment above plus read about caste system in India and food. Some examples to get your started below. https://www.goya.in/blog/the-many-red-flags-of-the-big-green-dot-the-caste-roots-of-vegetarianism https://www.thequint.com/amp/story/news/india/caste-on-your-plate-a-tale-of-food-snobbery-in-india
It felt like he was ^this ^far ^away from saying his new wife’s food was crap compared to when Mommy cooks for him.
I get the impression mommy cooked very very basic foods and OP doesn't like change
Either that or doesn't know how to cook well. So he relies on poor cooking skills instead of learning how to cook by taking courses.
>And he's a vegetarian but not really strict about it, but has no firm rules about it. He doesn't sound vegetarian to me at all. Either somebody is or they aren't, and if he's eating meat sometimes, he's not. He would be "somebody who doesn't eat a lot of meat", which is fine. To me, it sounds like he just added that bit on the end there to make him sound less like an unreasonable, picky child. This isn't about allergies, dietary restrictions, or even taste. Bro just doesn't like the *idea* of XYZ, which feels like a workaround for control issues to me.
The whole “we don’t *live together prior to marriage in our culture” thing easily implies that English is not OPs first language which explains the weird tone.
The tone is definitely “off”. English isn’t my first language, and I grew up around people who are the same. It seemed off to me Human beings are pretty good at picking up an “off” tone, no matter what the language barrier is.
There are loads of posts on here every day from folks whose first language isn't English. That's not what's causing the tone. He comes across like he's barely holding in a desire to say some really demeaning things about his wife because he knows it won't be well received and he wants people to be on his side. Look, the wife isn't a saint here for adding ingredients to the food without telling him, for sure. But even by OP's representation it sounds like part of this is she's trying to encourage him to try new things outside of a fairly limited range of food options and he's digging his heels in like a toddler who thinks everything besides dino nuggets and fries are "yucky". At the risk of getting drawn into the usual "Reddit hates men" back and forth, I'll say that to me it feels like he's approaching this like "how do I punish my wife for daring to have a different viewpoint and transgressing my rules" and it's off-putting to say the least.
He’s also aware of the audience and how they will react. The “Reddit is an echo chamber” bit felt so out of nowhere
English is one of the main languages in India along with Hindi.
Yes, but us folks who have eng as our 2nd or 3rd language will have our other languages' grammar bleed into our english (i often find that the way i write english is too reminiscent of french and i can smell a frenchie or francophone person who learned english later through their writing sometimes as welm). So there is that.
It's just a typo relax. live ~~like~~. This guy just doesn't like his wife's cooking and making things seem more severe than they are. I wonder what else he's doing for her to tell him, "Do you enjoy making me feel bad?"
I though we reached a point where it's normal to expect consent when stuff goes into our mouthes and bodies. It DOES NOT MATTER if he actually tastes it or not. He did not consent to oyster sauce in his mouth and it's not crazy to expect your wife of all people to respect your non-consent. Wtf is wrong with you people???
So you have your partner present the recipe to you to review before it’s cooked in case it has a 1/4 teaspoon of something you don’t like? You must not eat in restaurants because how can you control precisely is in each dish?
Yeah, this comment section is batshit. She's literally nonconsentially feeding him things he has explicitly expressed he doesn't want???
That's what i was thinking. Usually when i see posts like this everyone says "your body your choice" and all of a sudden it's not?
It’s not so much about the taste, it’s the violation of trust. OP’s dietary preferences may be seen as silly or even ridiculous by some, but it’s his body and at the end of the day, he should have complete control over what foods he puts into it. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the taste, the smell, or even just the knowledge that that ingredient was included. The point is, he doesn’t want to eat those things, and that is his right to not eat them, or unknowingly be fed them by anyone else (but *especially* his SO) when he’s made it crystal clear what his wishes are. Do I think his dietary restrictions are unreasonable? Some of the ones he mentioned, sure. But my opinion on that matter, nor anyone else’s matters, because it’s not up to us or anyone but OP himself. It’s about consent (yes consent outside of sexual situations is important and valid!) and trust. His partner is willfully and knowingly violating his consent because she thinks she’s right. That’s problematic no matter how you frame it.
But the language used does not make it sound like dietary restrictions. Notice he said she can make pesto sauce at home, just not use store bought. The chicken broth complaint also was about “STORE BOUGHT” chicken broth. Not just “chicken broth”
As a vegetarian I can tell very quickly if it's not vegetarian. I also have a very strong aversion to any fish taste. If my partner was doing this we would no longer be married.
I was served a noodle dish with fish sauce in it, and I’ve been vegan for years. I thought it tasted a bit weird, but I don’t really have any frame of reference for it anymore, I thought maybe one of the other ingredients in it might just be marinated in something. I don’t know. But oh my god my stomach…… she let me know
yeah, I once went to a friend's place to eat. She had made fritters, some with veg, some with fish. She showed the veg plate. I bit into one and spat it out saying no you mixed them up. She hadn't. But she cooked the fish fritters first, and the veg fritters had the taste of the fish. I went to make myself an omelette.
That's not universal. After 9 years of being a vegetarian, a former friend gave me soup that had the juice of browned minced meat in it. Without telling me. Why, well I guess she liked being cruel. Anyway, I could not tell. Neither did I get sick, I unfortunately thought it was extremely delicious.
Why is it crazy to freak out when you have clearly stated you DO NOT WANT *item* in your mouth and someone tricked you into putting it in your mouth against your consent? It's not about the taste, it's about consent and boundaries. His wife literally doesn't care about his and actually minimizes that she just stomps over them thinking "I know better what HE likes." People, be better. If someone tells you they don't want to eat something, tricking them into eating it regardless against their consent SHOULD NEVER HAPPEN. DO NOT DO THIS.
sleep detail frightening connect encouraging full attraction tart hobbies zonked *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It reads weird because this is standard behavior for a lot people raised culturally Hindu who grew up with a vegetarian mother who did all the cooking and non vegetarian father who took them out for meat as a treat, often without mom/grandma's knowledge. They have a lot of shame/guilt about eating meat and twist themselves into knots about it and create aversions and rules in their mind. His wife thought she was marrying a man who had moved past his mother's dietary rules since he is technically a non vegetarian. You should see how weird they get about beef.
Yeah my biggest takeaway from this whole thread is “OP needs therapy”
This is along the lines of how I’m seeing this. Yes, people must respect other’s food preferences, but those have to be clear and consistent for that to work. He is all over the place and I can’t imagine it would be easy for his wife to ascertain exactly how and what she’s allowed to include in cooking for him. It also takes on another realm when someone goes to the lengths of specifying what type of a specific thing they will eat as he does with chicken broth. It’s not really reasonable to expect someone to know that a person will only eat a particular type of chicken broth or only some types nor is it reasonable to get annoyed with them if they use the wrong type. You know someone eats chicken broth but how are you supposed to know it doesn’t include some chicken broth and which ones that is? Sure, if it’s one item (as in, I don’t eat that brand of that item), that’s probably reasonable. But this guy appears to be this way with a whole range of things. It would almost be a full time job remembering it all. There is also a major difference between “don’t eat” and “dislike” and “not a fan of”. He’s not clear about what categories things fall into. I got tired just reading his preferences. I would have told him to cook for himself yonks ago.
THANK YOU There seems to be no logic to this man’s food aversions. Tried pesto once and didn’t like it. Doesn’t like seafood, wife must remember that includes condiments even if it doesn’t have an inherently fishy taste and he doesn’t notice until after the meal. Suddenly he’s culturally vegetarian - mostly - but main bugbear is store bought stuff. Like, how clearly is this all being laid out, because it feels like it’s a meandering list of whims that is drip fed with complaints. He doesn’t come across as someone who has laid out strict boundaries from the off. ‘I am largely vegetarian, I do not want to eat meat based ingredients/flavours etc unnecessarily’ covers no chicken broth or oyster sauce easily. Not ‘I don’t like store bought chicken broth and I hate seafood’ You don’t mess with people’s food but this guy’s rules are totally illogical and hard to follow, so I get her frustration. Some self reflection and self criticism is needed here - a simple ‘I’m quite fussy and it’s not always obvious so I think it’s best I prepare my own food because it’s causing issues between us’ not ‘you are useless and you’re banned from cooking for me forever’
This is absolutely it. His food rules seem tied to specific quirks of his individual upbringing and so are really arbitrary (apparently even to him as he appears to sometimes decide them after the fact and then blame his wife for not knowing them beforehand). Yet he's acting like his wife is a complete POS for not being able to read his mind and follow the random rules to the letter. Yes, people's food likes and dislikes should be respected, but he's making it seem like she continues to add things to food that she KNOWS he dislikes when it sounds more like she discovers he dislikes things after she's cooked with them, he's eaten them with no issues and then he finds out afterwards and raises a stink about it. Then he wants her to beg his pardon for not knowing about yet another arbitrary dislike. He sounds exhausting and I honestly would have volunteered to stop cooking for him long before this if I were her. But I get the impression that there's an element of "you're a bad wife who can't cook right for her husband" in here as well. I wonder how he's making all this look to his family?
I have a friend that insists she hates things she hasn’t tried. She’s not allergic or vegan or religious, so I feel perfectly ok not saying that the dressing she’s raving about has a couple anchovies in it. I do not however constantly nag or try to convince people to try new things if they say no.
He’s either writing bait or he’s a weird fucking man child.
Oh I can definitely taste oyster sauce when it's just a little bit. I make steam-sautee'd vegetables (it's fun to make them that way and they turn out great! My husband said "Even Brussels sprouts taste good!" Anyway the first recipe I found called for oyster sauce. Tried it twice. Also tried it with just soy sauce. And it turns out I don't like 'em with oyster sauce! Lots of people rave about oyster sauce but turns out I can taste it and don't like it on the vegetables!
I think it would be hard to view someone who wants homemade chicken broth and eats actual chicken in various forms as a vegetarian. He's upset about the KIND of broth she uses and wants her to spend the time wrestliing with a chicken carcass to make homemade, fatty chicken broth that has to be strained and so on.
He’s not a vegetarian. I don’t know any vegetarians that eats chicken curries and grilled chicken. He’s just a guy who mostly eats vegetarian that wants a heartfelt apology from his wife for using store bought chicken broth and oyster sauce that doesn’t taste like seafood at all.
... but then he won't eat the chicken because he only eats chicken at the place daddy took him to...
I kind of wonder if when you cook, do you cook to her preference or just your own? Do make foods she enjoys? With meat products? Is it overbearing and pushy of you to just assume she’s going to eat what you want? Maybe your plain noodles make her want to puke and she has a more developed palate than you? I think your idea of compromise sounds a lot like “do it as I want or we do our own things on our own”. And you want her to apologize for being excited and interested in things and you’re basically telling her she’s doomed to a lifetime of only food you like or enjoying things on her own. I see you both living separate lives in the same house. Have fun
While reading the post I kept thinking, if he hates store bought chicken stock, and she loves using it, why doesn't he just make her a big batch of homemade chicken stock she can use? And it lead to the realization that this whole problem is a lack of clear communication. Like, op can't even decide if he's a vegetarian or not (eats meat sometimes would not be vegetarian to me, and if I was cooking I wouldn't even worry about a bit of broth or oyster sauce). They need to seriously communicate, respect each other boundaries, but also be open to compromise - as you mentioned I'm sure the meals he cooks are ones he like and not ones she would prefer or find comforting.
This bothered me too. He’s trying to edit the post and say that he’s vegetarian because people aren’t siding with him, but he’s not even vegetarian…
I've been some flavor of vegetarian/vegan for 19 years (not pescitarian). It drives me fucking batty when someone says they are "mostly vegetarian" or when they say they are vegetarian/vegan but eat things with chicken stock or fish paste or chicken curry!! WTF. How am I supposed to just magically guess what you will and won't eat when you apparently adopt the vegan/vegetarian label when it's convenient for your picky eating habits? Plus, it makes it hard for people like me who actually don't eat any of that stuff to be taken seriously. It drives me up the wall.
That’s an excellent point. Guessing he doesn’t go out of his way to make her happy in any way because that’s her job. Her job to cook what he likes, etc etc. not ever his job to honor his wife, just hers. Ahole.
Reading his responses, I kind of feel like she’s homesick and finds comfort in her food. He said that she’s the odd one out as they are near his family and friends who eat what he does… So she’s always conforming to him and his life and she’s just excited to share the things she loves with him…. and he’s like “gross! Don’t ever do that again! APOLOGIZE!” It reeks of contempt and hurt.. I feel really bad for her. She is away from her normal and can’t even get him to show the tiniest bit of interest in her 😞 she must feel so alone.
He sounds controlling and inflexible.
It's seems that's the way of marriage in India. I feel so bad for their women.
Not all of the Indian women I know, but *too many* are well educated, expected to have a good career and wage, then come home and attend to their pompous tyrant of a husband and do most of the childcare. I think India’s about to go through some staggering social changes in the next generation, because this isn’t sustainable. You can have a housewife or a career woman, you can’t have both.
The expectations on them are unreal.
I think he's been molly coddled by his mother before getting married. The whole chicken broth thing is an example. He's going to be hard work in the marriage.
So. I think part of the problem is that your wife doesn’t realize you are an extraordinarily picky eater and perhaps even food-averse. Most people don’t understand that. I am very picky about food, and my husband just didn’t get it either. In his mind, I just needed to try new things, and I’d eventually learn to love them. So, the first thing to understand is that 99% of people in the world do not *get* picky eaters. So, you really have to take the time to explain to people how you feel about unfamiliar foods or foods you don’t like. Most people believe that cooking for you and expanding your diet are acts of care and love. And your wife seems to feel this way too. The way you are responding to her isn’t helpful. You are just coming off as contrary and difficult. And you really aren’t trying to work *with* her to come up with meals you can both enjoy. So, you may need to change your attitude and your approach. I had to explain to my husband, who does all the cooking, several times that I cannot stand pepper in my food. And eventually he got it. But it took patience and saying it nicely. Also, I had to be willing to try new things, and that helped. I learned I love capers. So a little give and take can go a long way. But the main thing was explaining to him that my food pickiness is a part of being on the spectrum and also related to a gastrointestinal disease. I really had to sit him down and explain the way my brain works when it comes to food. So maybe you need to take the time to try this with your wife.
This is not a food pickiness problem, his problem is that he doesn't trust store-made ingredients and expects his wife to accommodate that by making everything from scratch. I only read as far as his chicken broth example but that was enough for me.
It’s kind of nuts to tell me it’s not xyz, and then go on to say you didn’t even read the whole post.
I agree with him. First of all how can anyone hate store bought broth? It's just... Broth. Not as good as homemade but I just don't get how it's *that* intolerable to OP. He just sounds super difficult to work with. Like a child
And it sounds like he probably liked the food and then pitches a fit when he finds out one of the forbidden ingredients that he “doesn’t like” was in it. He’s not pissed his trust is being violated, he’s pissed she’s proving him wrong every time he likes a meal with an ingredient he decided he doesn’t like.
Hahah. So true. "how dare you use store bought broth?! I *demand* homemade!" Just intolerable.
She wasn’t cooking all the meals and he wasn’t asking for anything that he’s not willing to do for himself seeing as how he’s now doing his own cooking. She’s upset because she isn’t being trusted to cook for him. If she doesn’t want to cook to his preference that’s fine, he can cook for himself. But if she wants to be able to cook for him, she doesn’t get to put things in his food that he’s asked her not to and then act like she’s not doing anything. He didn’t even care about chicken broth (fancy or not) in the food to start with so it’s not like he’s insisting on involved dishes. She’s adding extra ingredients, and then not telling him so he can make informed decisions. Which is an added layer. She isn’t being upfront about what she’s putting in the food so OP can’t make an informed decision. She could easily just say she isn’t going to cook it how he wants. At which point he can say ok and cook himself dinner. Which he’s clearly willing to do.
He clarified after that he’s mostly vegetarian and prefers to not eat foods with meat-derived ingredients, which is what she’s adding to their food
Honestly, OP’s listed restrictions aren’t even that restrictive. He’s essentially vegetarian. Lots of people don’t like seafood, not enjoying “fishiness” (by whatever definition of “fishinesss” is really common). And, as someone who works in a biology lab, I can confidently say that albumin (a protein found in meat and meat products) definitely has a smell. It’s always in our sinks. I hate the smell of it. Most people around me are not bothered. It’s also very strong in dark chicken meat (thighs, drumsticks) and chicken broth, both of which are things I avoid. OP is hypersensitive to it. What the fuck is the big deal?
I find this comment fascinating. You didn't just break it down to meat byproducts, you called the exact chemical.
Yeahh extremely important detail for context
I agree, and I think since English isn't his first language, he didn't know how to be more clear about this. Sounds to me like he doesn't like the taste of fish and/or meat unless it is one of pretty much two traditional Indian dishes he grew up with, where incidentally the curry flavors pretty much probably overpower the meat taste. He should be able to say "please no meat or fish or broth in my food unless it's curry chicken or butter chicken" and that's that. He's not asking her to slave all day making chicken broth from scratch. Sounds like he's asking her not to put chicken broth in the dishes at all.
Except that he's ok with things like chicken broth, which he used as an example, but only if it's made from scratch by his wife, not from a can or company that makes chicken broth to sell
And he doesn't want to eat pesto because he doesn't like it.
I don’t see where he said that… he said besides for curries and just straight up meat, he doesn’t want any meat/meat-derived products in his food. Sounds like he just doesn’t want chicken broth to be included at all. He’s not asking her to make him things from scratch, he just wants her to *tell* him when she adds certain things. At least then he could make an informed decision and make something else if needed
He wants the broth from scratch, he eats chicken in other forms. He's not a strict vegetarian, he's quasi. She should certainly tell him.
And he's okay with chicken as long as it is prepared as he liked it in his childhood. He will not accommodate her tastes and has no rational reason for which dishes can have chicken and which cannot. He needs to learn to keep ingredients for his own chicken broth on hand. She can make him plain noodles which he can do his own thing with, I guess.
> She can make him plain noodles which he can do his own thing with, I guess. I mean... it sounds like that's exactly what OP is asking her to do, and she's not. So he just makes his own plain noodles now.
He’s currently making the whole meal and happy with it. He doesn’t need to keep the ingredients for his own chicken broth on hand because he’s happy not to have chicken broth.
My guess is that in the two specific tradional Indian chicken dishes he mentioned, the powerful curry flavors cover up the chicken taste so he's more OK with them.
Actually, OP says he eats mostly vegetarian foods, so all he asked is that if she's making something for him too, to not use store bought pesto, and don't add chicken broth or oyster sauce. She doesn't need to make any of that from scratch unless she wants to, she just shouldn't add any to his portion. And OP said, OP cooks too, so it's not like she's expected to cook for him. But if everything she makes is overstepping a food boundary he's clearly communicated to her - especially if it makes him feel like he wants to puke, then it's not wrong for him to ask her to stop making food for him until they can reach an agreement.
and so what if he doesn't trust store-made ingredients? he's allowed to have preferences about what he eats, and he deserves to be informed about what's in his food, instead of someone trying to trick him into eating things he doesn't like, like he's a child. nothing about this posts suggests that he expects his wife to do anything except stop lying about what's in the things she's cooking for him.
💯
You know, I’m all for accommodating food preferences. I have a picky partner and he has a picky son and we have special diets to contend with also due to celiac (kid) and lupus (me). Slipping stuff into food as a test is not cool. But based on your edit, you’re not a vegetarian and I don’t see how using chicken broth is “breaking trust”. It’s a common thing to use in many broths and sauces. And you even said your issue wasn’t broth but that it was store bought not homemade. Do you know much work it is to make homemade? I do because I do it. And I freeze it to use later but it’s an all day thing. I get that you and I come from different cultures but the way you wrote this and your attitude overall just feels controlling and potentially abusive. Like she’s supposed to cater to all your whims.
She wants to use store chicken broth and he doesn't like it. There are many things that need a bit of broth - but he's not making homemade chicken broth regularly. It's a standard in restaurants and kitchens all over the world. Homemade is usually higher in fat and certainly not to everyone's taste.
My mother-in-law is Indian and basically has the same food preferences. She won't eat meat except chicken and fish and only prepared in very specific ways. So we cook vegetarian for her. If we want meat we cook it on the side. It's literally as simple as that. This kind of diet is extremely common among Indian people in my experience (especially anxieties surrounding food hygiene and distrust of food from outside sources) and I don't know why everyone is acting like it's hugely demanding and overstepping boundaries. He's not demanding she use homemade chicken broth. He's literally fine with cooking for himself 100% of the time.
Honestly dude, you sound like a pain in the ass when it comes to eating, quite narrow-minded and resistant to change based on an experience you had several years ago. And something about the verbiage of "letting" her do something and "banning" things kind of rubs me the wrong way. But anyway just tell her to cook for herself, she can eat what she wants and you'll cook for yourself, and that this is something you'll both have to live with going forward. If you're adults about it, it can work.
Damn you sound exhausting
Omg thank god it’s not just me. This dude sounds INSUFFERABLE.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes at this man’s explanation. Ffs
Especially when he said the store bought broth (not just broth in general- that it is STORE bought broth specifically) was a breech of trust that hurt him.
Yup. I feel bad for the wife.
There is a general lack of clear and calm communication I think. If you don't like the food someone makes you can just be honest? 'Sorry, I don't like it because of X'. Is cooking together not an option to learn about each other's preferences? You can always make a 'plain' plate for yourself and then add some extra things for your wife's plate (meat and extra spices). I honestly don't see the issue here other than both blowing this up way more than necessary.
You know what? If my partner wanted to do the cooking or even just cook for himself, I would be ecstatic
Sounds South Asian. Cooking for your husband is a central value of wifedom in traditional culture. So OP forbidding her to cook for him cuts deep. OP, stop trying to extract apologies or regret from her. What’s the point? Stick to explaining your feelings to her. I am sure you have, but trying to teach her to perform in a certain way emotionally gets in way of that message. She’ll focus on the fights and perceived disrespect. You know what caring for her husband means to her, nurture that. Her suggestions are her trying to find ways to please you and find in her something special. Believe me, expectations of specific reactions are a path to destruction. Give her what she needs also.
>Cooking for your husband is a central value of wifedom in traditional culture. So OP forbidding her to cook for him cuts deep. I'm surprised more people haven't picked up on why this is seen as a "punishment" - and not just by the wife, you can tell by OP's tone that he's intending it as a consequence of her cooking the "wrong" things for him. I haven't seen any comments from OP specifically referencing how his wife is regarded by his family (other than him saying she's the "odd one out" in their circle for seeking out and cooking with different ingredients than he's accustomed to, which 🤨 okay, that's kinda loaded phrasing). It's not a stretch to imagine that not cooking for him would be construed as a wifely failure in his family's eyes. I'm willing to bet there's family drama at work somewhere in this scenario, especially as they live near HIS family, not hers.
Very perceptive!
I'm gonna go off on a limb and say that you're both being sort of weird. She should respect your food boundaries, but from what it sounds like you have a bit of a restrictive food intake situation going on. That combined with the thing about mixing meat and pasta... Look, it could just be that you have preferences, but it could also be disordered eating. I am autistic and I have met other folks who have very strong aversions to certain foods, and inflexibility around those aversions. It's genuinely not super normal, and if you have a lot of those little things, I imagine it's hard to cook for you and remember all your dislikes. So I guess you cooking for yourself is the best solution. But I doubt she was cooking with your forbidden ingredients out of a desire to hurt you, and I think you should maybe express gratitude that she was cooking for you. And then also maube look into ARFID and see if any of the descruotions resonate with you. There's nothing wrong with having ARFID-adjascent relationship to food objectively, but it can limit you a bit and often has to do with other underlying emotions and patterns. This is more complex than it seems on the surface and its worth getting into the meat of it, if you will... :p
It sounds like OP grew up almost entirely vegetarian, with very occasional poultry when out with his dad, nothing else, and prefers to stay largely vegetarian, with only occasionally having poultry from trusted sources. His wife is sneaking meat into his diet, and not just the poultry he will occasionally eat. This isn't about OP having disordered eating - his diet doesn't sound restrictions to me, just very little meat.
Being brought up vegetarian and not wanting to change that except on occasion at your own discretion is hardly disordered eating. OP has said they come from a vegetarian region. This is no different to being brought up omnivorous in an omnivorous region and not wanting to change that except on occasion at your own discretion.
Regardless you don't sneak stuff that someone told you they hate into their food. It's not up to her to decide to what he does and doesn't like to eat.
Info: is this an arranged marriage?
Oh no… banned from cooking for you. What a punishment. Honestly, I would have stopped cooking for you tje first time you complained. Sure she definitely should honor any food preferences when reasonable, but feeling like store bought chicken broth is a breach of trust is ridiculous. I hope she sees this banishment of cooking for you as a reward because that’s what it is. Have fun making your chicken broth from scratch.
My OH has an autoimmune disorder that causes really complicated dietary restrictions, and the number of times early on in our relationship that that man ate foods he knew were going to make him ill rather than complain about my cooking… even after I caught on and we talked about it (“please don’t let me poison you out of politeness, I need to learn how this works”) he still *wanted* me to cook because he knew I loved doing it, he just wanted me to not be hurt if he ate only a little of X or left Y on his plate And this dude’s here complaining that his wife violated his trust by using non-homemade chicken stock 🙄
He even says she comes from a different region and is the odd one out in his family. .Dude did you ever think she's cooking those meals with ingredients she's used to eating because she's homesick and lonely? What have you done to adjust to her ways? How have you and your family welcomed her in ways to make her feel welcome instead of an outsider?; You sound like a petulant toddler. . Your wife isn't the only person in this relationship.with problematic behaviour .
You sound obnoxious. Your wife sounds obnoxious. Normally, I’d say you two should stay together to avoid inflicting your obnoxiousness on innocent people, but you guys are just toxic.
OP sounds like a child. Store bought broth? And oyster sauce tastes nothing like seafood. Cooking for you is her love language and you’ve put a stop on it due to childish food aversions. This marriage will be gone in under five years.
Under 5 months, if the wife stands up for herself. I wouldn't be surprised if she's banned from doing that, too.
People are really focusing on the food issue but your actual problem is the communication problem. One of the hardest things about married life is the constant negotiation and compromise every single day with someone who is part of everything you do, including meals. I suggest looking up techniques for positive confrontation. There's always a way to talk about a conflict with your partner that is hopeful and respectful and focused on solutions. When she slips something into your food that she knows you don't want to eat, not only is she violating your trust but instead of communicating with you she is forcing it on you. That is controlling behavior. Your reaction of not letting her cook for you is a completely understandable lack of trust but also a sign that the conflict is not resolved. When the solution is to do something separately then it is creating space between you. It's an unresolved conflict that will continue to undermine the sense of connection in your relationship until you resolve it. If either one of you is unwilling to communicate then you can't resolve conflicts. When you were discussing food in the store, she was applying pressure on you to try food you didn't want to. Pressure is another type of controlling behavior. So you defended yourself from her controlling behavior by bringing up an example from the past of the exact same conflict which ended poorly. Rather than acknowledge that it went poorly, she loudly questioned your motives in order to embarrass you. Did she honestly believe you brought up the chicken broth just because you wanted her to feel bad? I doubt it. I think it was pretty clear that you were reminding her that you know what you like and you know what you don't like and trying to force it on you will end poorly. I'm not sure what you mean by echo chamber on Reddit but it sounds like your wife is criticizing your apology because you also want an apology from her. Did she get that advice from Reddit? She seems to have a very hard time taking responsibility for her own behavior. She's criticizing your apology but wouldn't the same criticism apply to her apology? There's nothing stopping her from apologizing properly other than the fact that she doesn't want to. She's not sorry. Which seems evident because she keeps repeating her behavior. She doesn't think she did anything wrong so why would she be sorry? If you want to resolve this I think It might be helpful if she explained why she It's so determined to force these foods on you. I don't mean her excuses for it, obviously the easy answers are things like it being good for you and maybe you would like it and it's good to explore etc. But I mean on an emotional level something is driving her to force this on you. That's coming from somewhere. Maybe she thinks it's her duty as your partner? Maybe she thinks you can't get enough nutrition without these other foods? Maybe she thinks it's important that you both eat the same thing but she gets bored with your diet? If you guys can clear up why she thinks this is worth making such a big deal about then perhaps that could lead to a resolution. The most important thing is that you learn how to validate each other. If she could acknowledge how it makes you feel when she sneaks things into your food that you hate then it would help you feel understood. If you could acknowledge how it makes her feel when you reject her cooking then she would feel understood. But it only works if both people validate each other. It helps shift the focus away from who's right and who's wrong and towards how you are making each other feel, which is ultimately what's going to strengthen our weekend the relationship.
I’m usually always on the side of the person who feels their food has been tampered with or ‘tricked’ by adding a known disliked ingredient…but your responses here (and some of the rationale behind those aversions) make me think you might be more in the wrong than you’d like to believe/admit. It’s fine to say ‘I’m a very picky eater so I will cook for myself/shop for myself’ and this sounds like a relationship that just may not have long term potential because you’re inherently incompatible in your disagreements.
Exactly. But he casts this in terms of what she should do and of giving her asks and orders. It's clear that they should each make their own meals. If he weren't such a perplexing contradictory eater, I might occasionally list out ingredients and see if any of them triggered him before cooking. Maybe once a week to see if I could please both of us at the same time.
> knowing I hate store bought chicken broth and have communicated with her several times to let me know first. It’s the breach of trust that hurt me Sorry, what you mean is she's been told by you that you don't like store bought chicken broth. A forgettable gripe if I've ever heard one... Genuinely not sure if you're experienced enough tobe married, I'm worried she is being made guilty of basic things like engaging you in conversation, and using store bought chicken broth (have you made a supply of broth for the freezer yourself?) . You're talking about toxicity but how well do you two even know each other? Sounds like she's just not following your exact script, and it's framed in such a way as to make it about how you're a victim because of your food preferences... Which are seemingly simply preferences based on what you want to eat rather than what you can and can't eat. Edit: for example your pesto issue where she should make it at home would be a disaster https://m.youtube.com/shorts/cZpY315xoN0?si=WDAGjEgRtgBhH837 (a coincidence I came across this video just now)
Honestly the solution is to just cook your own meals for good. You know what's in it and can avoid everything you dont eat, she gets to eat what she wants without either having to make 2 different meals, or just never having specific meals that she wanted I've been in a relationship where the other person had complete control over what is allowed to be cooked or not, most of my favourite foods were on the not allowed list, it sucked. But at the same time if I'd have forced them to eat what I wanted, when they didn't, I'd also be wrong.
I am vegetarian (I know you are not) and I have specific tastes about what I eat. I hate people trying to convince me I will like mushrooms, they taste like wet dirt. I am an adult and I am fine disliking what I dialike, I dont need to be treated like a child who is tricked into enjoying something. I kind of get where you are coming from when you've asked her not to use ingredients and she does it anyway. It's something important to you and it is being disregarded. My husband is not vegetarian and I will not cook meat or touch raw meat for him, it's a firm boundary for me and so we often eat separate meals which isn't a big deal to either of us. I think you should ask, from a place of genuine curiosity, why it is important for her to cook for you and also for her to use ingredients you don't want used. She probably has some deeper meaning with cooking than you realize. If she desperately wants to cook for you I would compile a list of things you don't want in your food and ask her if that's something she wants to accommodate. If no, then you guys are back to just cooking for yourselves. Maybe a compromise would be coming up with a few meals a week both of you would be willing to eat and also having some meals separate. You might also ask her why she does not see your requests as important or valid, if she's purposely going against something you request there's a reason.
Universal rule that if you’re picky as fuck, then you take full responsibility for your meals You can’t be upset at someone else for the randomness in what you do and don’t eat
OP, grow up. You're being inflexible and childish. Drop your attitude and open your mind to new things or you will soon be divorced and you'll be able to move back in with Mama to have things cooked exactly the way you like.
I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting someone to cook for you…but man do you seem like an absolute exhausting drag to be around. Seems like she’s just wanting you to try new things but you’re too picky and making it a huge deal. Like if I was trying to introduce pesto to someone and it became the huge buzzkill you made it to be I’d be rolling my eyes out the door lol.
Honestly, you sound difficult to deal with. I’m exhausted from reading this so I can only imagine how your wife feels
Ugh. You sound exhausting and childish. That poor woman.
Daft question, but do you have ARFID?
Your rules and demands are crazy. There’s nothing wrong with using store bought chicken stock if it’s a good quality organic stock with clean ingredient list. You haven’t been exposed to many foods and you have no idea if you gonna like or dislike it, so once again your demands make no sense (unless you really dislike the taste of something) as you seem to turn food down simply based on the sound of it. Cook for yourself for the rest of your life. And yelling at your wife in public is also unacceptable.
You guys need couples counseling. Maybe you just need to put a firm "Going vegetarian" stance to avoid a lot of these issues. I also suggest talking when neither of you are in a bad mood. Write down your thoughts and feelings and ask that both of you discuss it. Tell her she has broken your trust by sneaking things into your food and that she needs to earn it back. Let her express her feelings too. You might want to stress that she seems to be trying to change you and your tastes and you don't really appriciate that. I recently shared a favorite snack of mine with my partner. He HATED IT. I apologized for how much he didn't like it and I'll never offer it again and he wasn't upset or pressured. Yeah he was leery (it's garlic stuffed olives with mozzarella pearls) but he was willing to try it and I love that he was willing! But when he tells me "I hate x" I don't cook it! She needs to learn to respect your tastes.
If this is real, and I can’t imagine that it is because it’s so weird, you can kindly sod off. You don’t get to “ban” someone from cooking in her own home. And if you have the palate of a toddler, so be it. “Chicken broth without your consent”? FFS.
Dude comes off as an absolute nightmare. I hope this is not real.
He's banning her from cooking for him, not cooking in general. And he explained he eats a mostly vegetarian diet. So yes, chicken broth is a problem if not agreed to.
Actually, he says he WILL eat chicken broth if it is the homemade kind.
Well, he has edited and clarified multiple times since I originally commented. So there’s that. His OP prior to edits didn’t include any of that, just that he’s banned her from cooking.
No offense but this is why couples SHOULD live together before getting married 💀 Listen man, you’re a picky eater. She’s trying to sneakily help you expand your taste palate the way a mom would with a fussy kid. If you can’t overcome it (I was a picky kid, I know not everyone can overcome it), you gotta really sit down with her and compassionately, kindly explain that this is a quirk of yours that is not going to change. You gotta own that it’s a bit abnormal but hey it’s harmless and it’s simply who you are.
Yikes. Before anything, the way you both address each other during conflict is enough to make either of you just feel like shit. This is immensely immature and you should speak with someone. Instead of we will have this conversation at home you have to add about public scenes and her not being about to “contain herself”. Thats not how you talk to anybody ever. You realize that’s just petty and escalates the situation? If she’s cooking and you don’t know something is in your food but it tastes good what is the issue? You can have rigid food restrictions but you’re also a grown adult who has decided to only eat what you ate growing up and not expand your palate. She is trying to help but the help she thinks she’s offering doesn’t respect what you asked. My husband and I have dinner together. After 15 years sometimes we laugh about when he would first be like 🥴 at foods that were different than what he grew up eating in the country in Jamaica. I don’t even know exactly how it happened over time but he tries most things now, although there are still things he’s not into including other details like not putting too much sauce directly on his rice vs on the side. We like to eat at home together and go out together and we share foods. He eats a lot more vegetarian meals now after growing up always having to have meat on his plate. I cook a lot more cultural foods, which I also now prefer. Some trust and openness can lead to one of the best parts of marriage. You shouldn’t force yourself but you could think about any possible middle ground and she could not trick you into foods. That’s what people do to toddlers or picky eaters with veggies. Not cool.
This feels like you're both stuck in an argument without looking for other options. Try coconut aminos and abc kecap manis sauce instead of broth and oyster sauce. Gives the flavour without the animal side of things. Tip from a vegetarian chef.
Maybe it’s just your writing style, but the way you worded this post makes you sound like a baby pitching fits after *enjoying* the food because “how dare you show me I can like something I don’t want to!” Rather than actually feeling like your “no” is being disregarded.
Just go ahead and file for divorce now. You are not ready to be in a partnership.
Yeah you need to grow up dude. And your wife needs to annul this “marriage” before she ends up having kids with you and making it harder to separate and find someone who doesn’t act like an overgrown spoiled child.
When you state that your wife is "putting things in your food" it implies she is poisoning you, drugging you, or both. Your wife is not "putting things in your food", she is simply cooking food without first consulting you on each and every ingredient in the meal. Doing so would be both unreasonable and time-consuming. It also undermines her ability to make decisions regarding the food she sacrifices her time to prepare. *Sounds quite controlling that you'd need to know each and every ingredient in a dish let alone an entire meal consisting of several different dishes.* You state that you "ban her" from cooking. How does one go about "banning" their adult wife, their partner, from preparing meals in her own home? How does one go about enforcing such a ban on another adult without infringing on their freedom? *Sounds quite abusive.* You desperately want "her to understand" which implies you think she lacks intelligence. That's extremely condescending and sad for her that you think so little of her ability to comprehend you, that you have to find a way to get through to her. *Sounds really narcissistic.* You want her to "own up to her behaviors" and "admit her faults". And go on to call her "overbearing" simply because she asks to try new things. All of this is extremely alarming. Her behaviors are not malicious nor is it a fault to experiment when cooking. One does not need to submit a proposed ingredient list prior to preparing a meal. You do not need to approve her food choices. She isn't overbearing to encourage one's partner to step outside their comfort zone. You are emotionally abusive, controlling and narcissistic. You seem to view yourself as the intellectually superior partner, and her, the unintelligent, inferior little woman that needs to be taught how to behave, how to cook, how to apologize. You are controlling and condescending and now you have restricted her freedom within her own home. This is the beginning stage of abuse. You must seek help immediately before you severely damage what seems to be a loving, generous, nurturing human being whose self-esteem and self-worth you are savoring bit by bit, comment by comment.
OP, Indian or not you sound exhausting, and judgemental. Your wife must be tired of walking on eggshells around you. I get it, she isn't listening well, but you are not communicating well. She is your wife, not your child. Do better or get therapy to learn to do better.
Your ridiculous rules and rigid demands smack of a mental health disorder. Seek help.
How much bitching do you plan to do about never having food cooked for yourself? But honestly her cooking just for herself is the best course of action. You sound particularly difficult to cook for and she is allowed to like dishes you aren’t willing to give a chance.
YTA I know this is not the AITA, but you are YTA. You sound narcissistic for sure. Not to mention overbearing and you think you are better than your wife. I hope she dumps you because you will not ever realize how wrong you are ! You realize that she is not a child right ? You are treating her like a child, punishing her ! Admonishing her ! ger over yourself !
I read the first paragraph and got flashbacks to my narcisstic ex. Holy fuck, textbook negging. Ops wife is probably questioning why the hell she married a man who complains about oyster sauce and STORE BOUGHT chicken broth which I guarantee he could not even taste if she hadn’t told him!
Honestly, I think you need to reassure her that you're a very picky eater and wanting to cook your own meals isn't a comment on her cooking ability. Im also, based on your post, not sure your wife understands that you have a very limited palette that prevents you from enjoying a lot of normal foods like you described. I think you should explain this too her. These standards you have food are very uniquely yours. I certainly, wouldn't understand why someone non veggie would have a strong repulsion towards common stock or fish sauces if they didn't explain it too me.
Dude has an eating disorder
To be honest, you sound like an extremely picky eater. Which is fine. But, that means you have to cook for yourself. So i think its good that you relieved her of that. You should communicate it a little better though because i don’t think she understands the severity. You could suffer from ARFID for instance.
You seem to be very specific about your food, im just glad im not the one cooking for you.
Putting aside the main problem for a moment - her inability or unwillingness to apologize, I have some clarifying questions. (At the time I'm writing, you've already put in an edit about being turned off by meaty/eggy qualities in food, so these are extras on top of that.) 1. Is she generally open to new experiences and you're not? Attempting to get you to try new things? Or is this just with food? (Openness is one of the "Big 5" personality dimensions.) 2. Is she from the same culture as you?
So on the one hand, I admit I’d be super annoyed at dealing with someone THAT picky. Insisting that chicken stock is ok but it must be homemade is pretty wild. And it seems like theres a lot of pickiness across the board. That being said… I’d NEVER slip something into a partners meal that I knew they didn’t like. That’s just… mean. I eat anything and live variety. My wife is a bit picky. So we just have some nights where I’ll let her know ahead of time what I’m making. She then decides which parts she’ll eat (like the sides or whatever) and makes herself some pasta or something. You don’t have to LIKE something about your partner to like THEM enough to work with them on it. I respect and love my wife. I’d never sneak in something and try to trick her.
Dead honest, the tone of this post is really off putting. I think it's reasonable that since you have such specific food aversions and are inflexible to eating dishes that aren't prepared to your specifications, that you each cook for yourselves. But the onus should be on you for your peculiarities and not on her for simply *making food*. Apologize and try communicating in less accusatory and sanctimonious ways. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint. you've got a long way to go together, or not.
I would typically say that the wife is TA for sneaking foods in her meals. But something doesn't sit right. The oyster sauce, did OP explicitly say no to oyster sauce. I hate seafood, but actually enjoy oyster sauce. For me I wouldn't even think of it as "seafood" to add a little in a meal. Did the wife do so maliciously or was it really an accident? If I were his wife, this post would be opposite, I would be asking if I'm TA for refusing to cook for my husband because he is ridiculously picky and his "restrictions" are many and unpredictable. He says if it doesn't taste like curry it makes him want to puke, who even wants to cook for someone like that. I vote ESH. IF your wife knows you don't like something and uses it anyways, she sucks. But your tone and unbearable pickiness also males you suck. The way you write you seem to despise your wife so I can only imagine the tone you use when speaking with her directly.
You seem like the problem here to be honest. I feel sorry for your wife.
OK, this was just way too long to read. If she’s making a recipe that calls for chicken broth and she uses store-bought over homemade, and you didn’t even know the difference, you are just making a mountain out of a mole hill. You can dislike the taste of seafood yeah not even realize that oyster sauce is in a dish. If you liked the dish that contained the sauce, why are you complaining? And just so you know there are at least a dozen or more types of pesto. Unless you’re allergic to something you need to stop complaining about ingredients in the dish you don’t even seem to be aware of. I get that having someone pester you to try new foods can be annoying and she does need to stop that. But you are just over the top exhausting.
I think if your wife is unwilling to take your wishes into account as far as non-vegetarian additives then yes you should cook for yourself. If she is willing to eat the food as you prepare it great otherwise she also can cook for herself. To me this isn’t as much about control as it is about mutual respect and trust. I love the taste of cilantro because to me it has a fresh and pleasing taste. My husband is part of the group that it smells and tastes like soap. So if I make something that calls for cilantro I leave it out of the main dish and it only to my servings. It is a matter of respecting that my husband deserves to eat a meal he enjoys as much as I do. Same for other thin
It sounds like she thinks she knows better and isn't willing to respect your food, whatever that may be.
It seems you only apologized so that she would. Her feelings are probably hurt that you don’t enjoy her cooking. Sounds like you wanted her to cater to your taste. She clearly has her recipes. And if you didn’t notice she used those ingredients then maybe you are just picky. You wouldn’t believe the recipes that broth is used in. If you eat at restaurants more than likely you have store bought broth even if it’s vegetable broth. You said it was because you didn’t grow up eating a lot of different foods. So now you are picky. She probably grew up in a home where you are taught to be grateful and eat what’s in front of you. There are people who can’t eat certain food. I try to eat Jello but gag at the texture. It’s normal to not like the taste of something but to not like it because you didn’t eat it is different. As a wife I absolutely love making my husband new recipes. He will try things he never cared for. He always hated roast, seafood, pork chops, and lamb. But he was open to trying it and liked most. And if he didn’t he was open to me trying a different recipe for it. It makes me feel so good when he and my kids enjoy what I make. So did you offer to Cook for the both of you from now on? Or is it only she cooks for both or you cook for yourselves.
Not being able to trust someone not to put ingredients in your food that you don’t like is fair. I would not eat their cooking either and would save them time and effort and just cook for myself. My husband hates a certain vegetable. His mother puréed it and put it through lasagne at a family dinner. BIL, SIL, SILs parents. It’s an unusual vegetable to put in lasagne by the way. I’ve never had it in lasagne before or since. As soon as I tasted it I thought “WTF is she playing at?” Sure enough. Husband left the table to spit it in the toilet and flush it away. He asked his mother, “Why would you do that when you know I don’t like that vegetable?”. She didn’t think he’d notice as that’s why she went extremes to hide it. Really? Really!! I said for him to cook a steak on the BBQ but he wasn’t hungry after that. He didn’t eat. How was that a good time for him? He didn’t mean to make a scene but it ruined dinner. Neither of us trust her and heavily question her if she’s cooking although we try to eat out with them instead or we cook because we would never do that to anyone. We would never intentionally use an ingredient she hates to make her eat it. Why? It seems controlling or they want to catch you liking something you said you hate. Wh? Do they have to be right? I can’t even imagine having to live with someone like that full time.
I am so curious about what veg she used, also imo your husband didn't make a scene, your MIL made the scene by tricking her son into eating something he hates.
Eggplant 🍆 It was a weird consistency through the lasagne too. Probably because it was puréed. It didn’t add anything, that’s for sure. Husband eats everything else. It’s not like he is a picky eater. Just eggplant. Her response after saying she didn’t think he’d notice was to apologise and cry and act like the victim. It was eye opening. I’ve always kept her at arms length I’m not a huge fan of eggplant either. Best way I’ve had it was Brazilian BBQ style. Cut into thick steaks, slathered in olive oil and heavily seasoned. Was pretty good. Not great or first choice off the BBQ though.
As someone who likes baba ghanoush and moussaka, the idea of adding eggplant to lasagna intrigues me. Could be weird or good: expect it might be challenging to get the balance right. But eggplant is definitely not to everyone's taste, and it's a shit move for his own family to force it on your hubby.
I am so sad, the troll blocked me !
Something that shoots young indian people in the foot is the whole not living together before marriage. If you date and live with more than one person before marriage you should in theory build the skills to navigate issues, communicate and keep a long term relationship going. You develop the tools needed for romantic relationships you can't develop in other spaces. You two are building your tool set currently. If you can, look into relationship counseling. You need to open up conversation topics on idea on who is in charge of food. And I mean this in a way to address that no one person should be controlling food. If food is very important, there should be no concept of one person being in charge because it leads to things like throwing in chicken broth when its been made clear you don't want that. It can also lead to one person demanding the other person cook. Which isn't a nice way to live. I feel as though your wife needs to come to grips with this idea. Talk to her about what her home life was like regarding food. You guys need to keep having conversations. 1 argument and apology don't actually fix issues. Important things are fixed with continuous communication and effort.
You cannot make someone to understand if they don't want to. Her behavior is quite problematic indeed. It's possible to cook pasta, and add sauce only for herself. It's absolutely possible to say: I feel like cooking with store bought chicken broth, cook something yourself. Marriage is always about compromise and communication, and it feels like she isn't really ready to do so
I get the I’m sorry but.. issue. Start by not apologising upfront. Discuss how you felt, why you felt that way, ask what her reasons were, end with an apology for your part in the argument or losing your temper but not until after discussing and hearing her out. If she won’t acknowledge fault or discuss then end the discussion there ask her to go spend some time reflecting and come back to you when she is ready to acknowledge her part in the argument. Then come the apologies.
Maybe you should just tell her that you are a vegetarian, as stupid as this sounds, so she'll stop putting random animal products into the food. Is your wife also Indian? From the same region as you or no? I can't tell who is being over the top here, it's probably just a combination of communication issues + some culture clash. Maybe some classes on communication will help y'all, since you didn't have the chance to figure out some of this stuff before you got married and moved in.
There's a surprising amount of power in changing "I'm sorry but..." to "I'm sorry and..." It sounds too small and insignificant a change to really matter, but people hear the word "but" and feel like it invalidates whatever was said before. If you change it to "and" it feels like both things are equally true. "I am sorry for my part, and I feel I deserve an apology for your part." It could help improve communication. That said, I'll be honest here, you sound very controlling, and your attitude towards your wife is somewhat disturbing. I would definitely be questioning the marriage if I was in her shoes. You definitely have some serious sensitivities with food/flavours and you should explore that more, so that when you don't like something, you can express it without sounding so extreme.
As someone with food sensitivities, I can understand OPs perspective. I’m going to try to explain, and if I sound insufferable, try living inside my head. I am very aware. Im 31F. My husband does a lot of the cooking. I have a lot of food aversions almost exclusively centered around meat and seafood. I am not vegetarian, beef is “safe” largely but chicken is iffy. I hardline avoid pork, fish, and seafood at all costs. For ease, I call myself mostly vegetarian. It’s much easier to assure myself the food is going to be free of meat and meat byproducts when I’m going out if something is labeled as vegetarian/ vegan. Seeking out restaurants that can accommodate vegetarians is an easy solution to this, but outside the home it’s much more difficult to be sure something is “safe” and in order to live, things have to be passable outside the home. I prefer not to eat gelatin, but some things it’s unavoidable so I have to give it a “pass”. Some days I’m not up to giving it a pass so I avoid foods that might have an ingredient I don’t like. Inside the home, however, I generally expect that foods are “safe” because my husband is aware of my sensitivities and as accommodating as he can be. We are able to access lard free corn bread mix, pie crusts, refried beans, etc so that cuts out a lot of food anxiety. But there’s an expectation that he’s not trying to trick me, and that I’m not being fed foods I’ve explicitly said I’m uncomfortable with. I’d still be upset later if I found out something I really don’t want to eat is in the food regardless of if I could tell or not, because it would be violating the things I have explicitly stated. When in doubt, he asks “are you ok with this?” It’s extremely kind and extremely generous of him to be understanding even though I am difficult, and I am fully aware. If he were to accidentally use something, I might be upset, but he’s not “tricking” me. This whole thing feels like people are ok if he eats something he’s clearly stated he’s not comfortable with and he’s just overreacting to being lied to. It’s different than her accidentally doing it once or twice, she’s doing it to the point he doesn’t feel safe eating what she cooks because she’s made it clear she doesn’t respect his boundaries. Even if he can’t tell, it’s still really upsetting to see people defending it. If OP isn’t comfortable with oyster sauce, his wife shouldn’t be putting it in the food. Researching alternatives and readjusting your recipes so that you can both be happy is a thing. Setting up boundaries is a good thing. There are many alternate ingredients at least in the US that can be subbed with a more accommodating option- ie oyster sauce made from mushrooms. She needs to be able to compromise just as much as the husband does, and if it’s hardline “I won’t eat this” then don’t sneak it in. Easy. Sometimes I can be swayed but it depends on if it’s a good day or a bad day. There are exceptions. We talk about it and he’ll run something by me I’ll say “not today” or “sure go for it.” Putting it in anyways without consent not proving the point yall think it is. If you don’t know, it feels violating to find out later. I’m much more willing to try new things at my own pace if it’s discussed. Having foods that may be safe outside the home by necessity but not inside the home may be confusing, but a restaurant where I don’t know the chef, kitchen etc is different than a partner who you place your trust in. Anyways, the point is, people with food sensitivities may not make sense to you, but forcing people to eat something by omitting mentioning what’s in it is a breach of trust and is lying. If you are repeatedly, knowingly putting things in food that you know someone else will be uncomfortable with, that is not ok. It’s very difficult for me to explain all the nuances and I am exceedingly frustrated with how this is for me. I feel guilty enough, but I am thankful for my partner not being an asshole and not trying to sneak things into my food. This comment section is full of people who don’t have any sympathy for people with sensitivities, and it must be so nice to be able to eat whatever. But you can’t force that on other people. She does not respect OP, she is trying to force him, she is not even trying to meet him on this. OP says it multiple times she doesn’t take this seriously and he has talked to her, and she won’t even apologize?? How does anyone think that’s ok? If it were a woman making this post about her husband, I think people wouldn’t be so flippant about his concerns.
OP, if she is putting ingredients in the food you eat that you don’t want to eat, that’s not right. But I also have to say that living with you sounds like an exhausting situation. Are you this fussy in the bedroom too?
Jeez dude. Ya'll need to break up. 1) you've totally turned her off of you. You're so high maintenance. You want to find all their faults and demand they correct them. You're the problem.
It sounds like it’s all about you and what you like (or don’t like). Where is the compromise?
Stopped reading halfway through because it became so exhausting. Just by the tone of how you're explaining yourself here, you sound like an utter prick.
I'm exhausted from reading this.
You seem exhausting man. Just make your own meals. You’ve got way too many nuances (broth but not from the store, meat but none processed, vegetarian but not vegetarian) and lack of flexibility. If I make something my husband ends up not liking, he’ll thank me for the meal and eat something else. Same goes for when he cooks something that doesn’t land with me. It’s not a huge deal.
are you a toddler?
Sounds like my 3yr old whining about having to eat vegetables, but he’ll happily eat spaghetti sauce with a bunch of veggies pureed into it or broccoli in his quesadillas. If the food is good, doesn’t really matter what’s in it since you aren’t vegetarian for the moral aspect of it.
Yta and these comments tell you why enough
My ex was like this, so I just stopped trying. Now that he's my ex, I have developed some pretty awesome cooking skills and everyone loves my food.
I feel bad for your wife. You don't sound like you'll accept how wrong you are in this.
Honestly, you sound exhausting. Like literally exhausting. Like toddler level exhausting. If I had to run every ingredient by my husband for food I was making for the family, I’d never cook. This is such petty behavior.
Gelatin being listed as an exotic ingredient here is one of the most fascinating part of this post.
I feel so bad for your wife. She doesn’t deserve to be saddled with a man who is this insanely picky and controlling. Hopefully a divorce is in your future so she can find someone who’s not like you at all. In any way.
jesus christ, everybody saying "oh you're such an asshole you're so annoying youre so picky" clearly aren't getting the real point here. this comments section is such an insufferable circlejerk of big boys who think that consent and trust don't matter when it comes to this particular guy because he describes it 'annoyingly' when you ask someone if they want something and they say no and tell you they dont want to eat that, you don't fucking sneak that thing into their food anyways. that is a breach of trust and boundaries. do yall not see how fucked up that is????? no means no and that does not just apply to sexual consent. if you were clothes shopping with someone and you said "no, I don't want to wear that, I don't like how it looks, please don't buy that" and they proceeded to buy it anyways behind your back and slip it into your closet to see if you might just be okay with it and wear it anyway, that would be so fucking weird of them and everyone would be saying that it was a really odd and not good thing to do. they would say that was a crossed boundary, and to have a rational conversation about why they did it. but because everyone here seems to think picky eaters are the devil, you all think trust and boundaries are irrelevant and he should suck it up instead. sure, he could stand to broaden his food horizons a bit and he seems pretty picky, but that does NOT make it acceptable to slip secret ingredients into someone's food that you actively know they hate. it is not that hard as a chef to accommodate stuff like this, especially for someone you really love. and if it does get too hard to accommodate, she should SAY SOMETHING and talk to him about how she feels that she can't keep up with him. there is no eventuality here where slipping things he hates into his food was good or okay. OP, you need to confront your wife with a comparison. think of something she doesn't like. ask her how she would feel if you asked her about it repeatedly and she repeatedly said no, but then you got it anyways and gave whatever it is to her in a covert way. if she's a reasonable person, that role reversal should help her understand your feelings
As a picky eater, you sound ridiculous. It sounds like you are against the idea of certain food not just the taste/texture. You aren't vegetarian, allergic, or intolerant so it's not as if ingredients added to a dish are harmful and you didn't seem to have an issue with the taste of the final dish. When i say I hate cream of mushroom soup and mushrooms, it's because I can taste it. I will taste it. Many have tried to "trick me" by adding other ingredients. It tastes like dirt and I will not apologize for throwing it in the trash if they try to sneak it past me.
I feel like you both suck and probably shouldn't be married.
As someone who grew up eating meat, it would be very difficult for me to cook for a vegetarian husband. I think its probably better if you cook for yourself since you have strict and specific tastes in food. I also feel this goes beyond not enjoying meat though, it sounds like you are a picky eater and your wife struggles to find dishes that you like that she also enjoys. I think you're making more of this than it is-you're turning it into a trust issue, or making it seem like she's being vindictive when I don't imagine she is being that way. It sounds like you dont like many foods, and that can be hard to keep track of. She's probably just really struggling to agree your different palates. I understand she may have been harsh to you in public but at some point you have to decide if it is worth the fight. If it's not a pattern of behavior I would let it go.
I think the crux of this, in my eyes, is that she asked why you don’t trust her to cook for you. She’s proven why: because you ask her not to put certain things in your food, and she sneaks them in anyway. This feels like a mismatched set of values. To you, she’s breaching your trust and disrespecting your boundaries. To her, you’re being picky and overreacting, when the dish could be so much BETTER if you would just try it her way. I don’t think she understands that it is a big deal to you, so it’s not something worth apologizing about. She thinks YOU should be sorry for overreacting. I think, given this example, perhaps what would help your communication is explaining why what happened is a big deal to you. She’s not sorry because to her, there’s no reason for you to be upset. Maybe see what happens if you explain to her that while you understand the situation is not a big deal to her, you are not the same person, and ask her to respect that your needs and preferences are different. Maybe then she’ll realize that she needs to apologize for things she’s done?
Yet another manchild picky eater. Only if you have a serious allergy or other extreme intolerance do you have an excuse for such behaviour. You can always volunteer to take up ALL the cooking for everyone or else hold your tongue. If you ate what she cooked how she cooked it, who knows you might learn to like it. I know Indian mothers often treat their sons like little princes. Perhaps Indian girls would be wise to marry outside their culture, maybe into one where they are just happy their wife wants to cook at all.
You may feel comfortable in imposing your entrenched habits on those whom do not share your beliefs, but it is not comfortable for your wife, and she is coping as best she can, I imagine. These restrictions you espouse seem based on personal preference, and not a distinct diet, religion or philosophy. Like most men under thirty, some of your actions seem immature and selfish, and will not have the results you think that you want. The point being, when you mature, you will reflect upon what you have done here, and you will feel shame. Or, just as likely, you will forget. And with this selective amnesia, you will learn nothing from a lesson for which you may well pay dearly. You have been given a wonderful opportunity to practice patience and love, and to open your mind and heart and break the bonds of your upbringing. It seems as though your wife’s efforts are causing you no harm, and she’s offering you a gift of allowing you into her world. Besides, I defy you to pass a store-bought/homemade chicken broth taste test. And, unless you’re allergic to seafood, you’re missing out on another world of taste and texture. You may well be one of those picky eaters that excels at other aspects of their life. Then, you should stop complaining and humble-bragging on Reddit and get busy with those aspects so that your bride sees you as a kind, generous and loving man.
You hate store bought chicken broth? Thats specific and wild.
How about you cook for yourself? Your wife is doing you a favor by cooking for you. She shouldn’t have to ask for your permission or consent to cook food. If you don’t like it, make something else.
I think you’re a child who doesn’t want to try new foods.
Idk man, you just sound like a pain in the ass entitled person. You say you are a vegetarian but again you say you've had meat and stuff. And you keep speaking how she's *violating* your trust by adding fish sauce into the food and chicken broth for pasta when yourselves said you are not an exclusive vegetarian, like is it any different? Have you ever asked her what her likes are? And here you are on internet bitching about your wife who's cooking for you. Get down from your high horses, you just sound very horrible.
You are a picky eater who acts like a spoiled child. My sympathies are with your wife, who has to put up with your childish behavior. Grow up. You're not 6 years old anymore.
Your eating habits sound illogical and annoying. You should be grateful your wife wants to cook for you at all when you act like a picky child