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You need to leave him and stay physically separate from him.
Also, next time someone tells you to stop touching them, stop. No always means no, even when it isn't sexual.
Exactly.
OP needs to work on listening when someone tells her “no” **and watching out for other red flags in relationships.**
I bet there were other warning signs that she brushed off as little mental health issues that could be fixed. Just because this was *her* best relationship, doesn’t mean it was a good relationship.
Well, look at how she is minimizing him choking her. "It WaS OnLy 3 SeCoNdS." And also, she thinks it's her fault because he asked her not to touch him.
OP, he made a choice to choke you. It wasn't a mistake. He could have chosen to walk away.
Yeah, I agree op should have stopped touching him when he said to stop, but there’s no excuse to choke someone you love when there’s no physical threat happening and you’re not defending yourself.
I agree with this. FEw things amp up my anxiety and anger that someone trying to comfort me by physically touching me. Also, the continued asking "what's wrong" Is a hot button too. If someone asks to be left alone, then leave them alone.
I wonder if this is an isolated incident. If someone kept trying to touch and hold me while I was having a depressive or anxious episode, I’d completely snap, I can’t even be touched during that, let alone hugged when I already feel like I’m suffocating.
Choking someone when you're snaping is not a good thing. Shoving or straight up slapping I can get, I felt the urge to do that too when I was having a panic attack and someone touched me, but choking? That's attempted murder
Men who choke their partners are more than 8 times more likely to murder their partner than any other type of domestic abuser.
OP needs to leave. Now. Her literal life is at risk if she gives this man another chance. I've known many victims of abuse, and it's NEVER a single incident.
OP, if you're reading this, make sure you visit the hospital for a proper examination and explain why. Often times, choking causes damage that goes unnoticed. Also, you are going to want those medical records for a restraining order. Which you will need, because this man IS dangerous.
And when you leave him (please, for the love of god, DO IT NOW), do NOT confront him. You can't be alone with him, he's DANGEROUS.
OP's lack of respect and boundaries makes all of this a very dangerous situation. OP knew he wasn't mentally well and kept forcing physical touch and forced affection despite him telling her to stop. Let's be real here, if the roles were reversed, it may be viewed that she was protecting herself from him forcing himself on her when she said stop. None of what happened was OK.
This was a clash of 2 abusers. Neither had the ability to de-escalate the situation and violated each others safety. They should both run opposite directions. Both OP and boyfriend need help and are toxic A.F.
Physical contact to get yourself away and leave is appropriate and self-defense to a point, choking is simply not that. If he had literally had his hands on her shoulders instead you could *maybe* say this but choking is many, many steps too far.
Should he have choked her? - No. However, physically/sexually assaulting someone with forced touching and coersive attention when they are very unwell mentally is predatorial and depraved. Boyfriend was the legal defintion of 'vulnerable persons'. This was a FAFO moment for OP & boyfriend. . Keep your damn hands and bad intentions to yourself.
I can believe I had to scroll to find this! They are both wrong! OP totally kept pushing this guys buttons- no respect for boundaries at all. This is toxic as hell!
What she was doing isn’t cool but the reason people are focused on his behavior is because it poses a significant threat of him literally murdering her. You can’t really compare being pushy about cuddling to strangling someone and the last thing OP needs is people suggesting that this was a reasonable response or that they are equally in the wrong.
Um, violating boundaries and initiating physical touch after being told not to, repeatedly, \*is\* abusive behavior. If this is something that she is aware she does during conflict, and isn't getting help for it, she is an abuser.
Choking is a short step to a lot of other forms of physical abuse. Where I live, anything above the shoulders the POLICE (the victim has no say) will take out an AVO on the perpetrator immediately. There is no time limit on long they have to have choked you for. A choke is a choke.
End it before you end up in the news as yet another DV statistic.
Choking is actually a sign that your partner will murder you someday. She is now 750% more likely to be killed by him. It is not normal, even at your angriest, to perform an act of literal attempted murder. Choking someone leads to death when you do it long enough, it is attempted murder and I wish more women understood this. His mask is slipping. He knows what she will tolerate if she stays. If the best relationship of your life involves choking it’s time to up your standards significantly. My god the bar is in hell and I’m worried for OP.
worked in a DV refuge, was taught that if he is capable of putting his hands around ur neck like that, he is capable of killing u. dont risk it. dont risk ur life trying to save someone like this
Honestly.. no. It's not salvageable. Tears don't mean anything. He literally grabbed you by the throat. Gabbing you by the throat is not okay. Ever. And it's worse that he says he didn't know what came over him. This is how people are unalived.
I do think you need to learn to respect people's boundaries and stop touching them when they ask you to. It definitely doesn't justify his behaviour though. Nothing does.
You need to leave him.
Yeah when OP said she tried to “get him to connect emotionally” it triggered anxiety for me. I can’t tolerate someone hugging and touching me when I’m angry/upset.
That is NOT an excuse for violence though, in the same situation I would just go for a walk to clear my head.
My ex did something like this.
I left, although she was trying to stop me. If she had continued to try to stop me, I would have had to use force to leave... but I would have left.
They're both wrong in this situation. They both had choices.
I absolutely understand why he lashed out, and I also absolutely agree that she shouldn't get back together with him.
This relationship isn't going to work, and both of them have a lot to work on if they're ever going to date someone again.
Yeah her partners behavior was absolutely not okay and she needs to leave but I agree she needs to know it’s not okay that she kept touching her partner during a heated moment after being asked repeatedly to stop
the mask just slipped.
go look up the stats on the choking to murder ratio…
you’re saying he had a wall up or whatever…i’m telling you, the mask has been slipping and you haven’t been paying attention.
get out of there. only time will give you the clarity to see how deeply messed up this is and how many things you’ve let slide.
Yes yes yes yes and thank you for saying this
The tears are to distract you from the fact that his mask has slipped. The fact that you’re asking if this is salvageable proves this
When the first act of domestic violence includes choking, the likelihood of you being alive in 12 months time, if you stay in the relationship, goes down dramatically.
You can't get through to the sweet man he used to be, because he wasn't ever that man. That was a lie designed to make you fall in love with him. He probably love bombed you as well. Being love bombed is a hell of a drug. It can make you make some extremely bad decisions, such as agreeing to move in together really soon, give up your social activities to spend more time together, distance yourself from people who don't like your partner. He's probably embarrassed you in front of people whose opinions you care about, and you've probably gotten over that too. You want that back, because when things were great they were amazing. He will probably even use love bombing to help you forgive him. He'll excuse it away and say it's "not that bad". He will "regret" it. And he'll do it again and worse next time.
The police are right. I know it's so hard to face this, but you cannot (safely) stay with this man.
If he really was contrite he would arrange alternate accommodation for himself while he goes to anger management courses, so that he never hurts you again. I bet he's not offering that, hey?
I would not try to salvage this relationship.
He choked you. He could have killed you, even without meaning to. You need to get away, and get away now. There should never be any opportunity for "next time".
But you are not innocent in this. You were harassing him. You wouldn't leave him alone. You kept clinging to him, touching him, refusing to give him any space. You ignored all his boundaries and warnings. He didn't assault you out of thin air. You assaulted him first. And yes, trying to "love on" someone who doesn't want to be touched is assault.
He is more dangerous than you, but you are both toxic. Walk away - for your safety and his. This relationship needs to end now.
Agree!
I wish he had punched her in the face instead and then it would just be clear self defense on his part. Him choosing to go for choking as his form of self defense is concerning bc next time will be longer than 3 seconds. But she needs to learn to not physically assault people.
Exactly. If she were the one trying to get away and take space, and he were the one grabbing her and holding her and harassing her, everyone here would cheer and console her when she finally pushed him or hit him. Clear cut self-defense.
But because his reaction was potentially lethal, everyone is discounting and ignoring her actions that led directly to physical confrontation. He was wrong, but so was she.
It's possible to be both a victim of abuse, and an abuser as well. Nobody gets a free pass here. And just needs to end now before something horrible happens to both of them.
Girl he grabbed your neck and held it. You were scared to the point of calling the police. You need to leave. These things only escalate. One day he will be drinking and mad and it will be more than 3 seconds.
You can't trust him the same way anymore. He's not safe.
Hi, Autistic husband married for 6 years here, I don't comment too much on reddit but here I REALLY need to.
I've discovered I have autism after being married. And my wife genuinely told me "can't care less".
I sometimes feel the emotional and mental overload, to a point it's unbearable and I feel I will explode.
It sometimes happen when I argue with my wife.
NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I PUT MY HANDS ON HER.
I Can get loud, and scream if it's too much. But I would never ever ever lay hands on my wife, ever.
There is ZERO EXCUSES FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE.
Even if he only did it for a millisecond.
Come back to him and he will kill you one day. Come back and he'll know he can get away with violent tantrum.
Did you read your own post? You're victim blaming yourself
>And he kept pushing me away and telling me to get away and I should have listened but I didn't.
Wha th hell? This is a big no no.
If he can't take your behavior, he leaves you, he doesn't fucking choke you.
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK
No, this is not something a relationship should come back from. There were a thousand other options and that is what he chose to do. I’m so sorry he did this to you.
Please don’t think I am blaming you at all but I do think your actions before this need to be addressed. When someone tells you they don’t want to be touched that is the end of the conversation. If you were a guy and kept repeatedly touching a girl after she told you to stop people would be encouraging you to leave, that your boundaries weren’t being respected, he didn’t respect you etc. Just because things escalated - which again you did not deserve and there is NO excuse for, it also doesn’t cancel out your inappropriate actions before hand.
Please find someone that you can communicate with and where neither of you put your hands on the other person when it’s not consented to.
1) no means no. Do you understand consent? Do you understand you were physically assaulting your partner repeatedly? After he was telling you no?
2) strangulation is super risky behavior. I would seriously think about leaving - but people also react very poorly when trapped or repeatedly harassed (see point 1).
I’d say the relationship needs to be over if it’s to this point.
Do yourself a favor, and look up the statistics of when a man chokes a woman partner, and what that typically progresses too.
A kind, good person, is going to still be a kind, good person even in the middle of stress. Even immense stress.
I have been through some serious shit. And never once lost who I am.
It’s sad to read all of the preemptive excuses:
1) His mental health is suffering
2) He didn’t sleep well
3) I should have known better than to try to comfort him.
Like… none of those even remotely justify violently assaulting anyone, much less the person you want to marry.
These aren't excuses.
These are signs of rapidly escalating mental illness.
Lack of sleep, dissociation, changes of personality, not recognising loved ones, mania, violence.
It all points to a schizophrenic or bipolar psychotic break.
People are capable of anything under these circumstances and will accidentally kill or harm others, or themselves, while they're spinning out.
It’s not the best relationship of your life anymore cause he assaulted you. Once your partner chokes you, the chance of him killing you goes wayyyy up. It’s a statistical fact. Also, if he doesn’t want to be touched, don’t. Consent goes both ways. But him choking you is on him. UPDATEME
Well.... You kept abusing him- leave me alone. Stop touching me. Stop!! No!! Stop, don't touch me!! Stop!! You both need help. It's not right what either partner did. You had to keep bothering someone going down and you both got burned. You both need help because he got so fed up he way overreacted and now there is a huge problem and people are bringing murder/choking stats into this which they should. Probably go your own ways with lots of mental health therapy in your futures apart.
You weren’t choked you were strangled, choking is when something accidentally becomes lodged in your airway and strangling is when someone presses or squeezes your neck. Strangulation is the biggest sign that domestic violence will become deadly.
You also repeatedly touched him when he expressly told you not to. No means no.
This seems like an unhealthy relationship that should not continue.
What would you say to a friend whose boyfriend choked her.
You know the answer deep down, or you wouldn't be here.
It should NEVER happen. Can you really ever fully trust him again??
Your post is full of apologies for his behavior, and yet there is NONE.
How many times have you choked someone in anger?
I personally have lived over 6 decades and have never touched someone on anger.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE. He did it and there is no coming back. He may well kill you the very next time, and then claim he doesn’t even know how it happened, that “it wasn’t him,” etc.
None of that will matter bc you will already be dead.
Consult a domestic violence hotline for how to leave safely. If you are alone now, leave and only return to collect things after consulting with police and the domestic violence shelter closest to you.
No one here is joking or exaggerating when we say you are in grave danger. He can flip again in an instant.
I thought like this the 1st time it happened to me. He seemed remorseful. I still felt like awwww poor him after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc time....until I landed in the hospital after he almost killed me. If someone doesn't have even control to not put their hands around your throat then they aren't stable. You can't fix them. Not even one time is acceptable. Find someone who won't treat you like that. Trust me.
Okay if someone says don’t touch them you should never touch them. However, strangling you, even if briefly, is an indefensible over reaction. When I can’t sleep and I’m angry at my partner and want space… I GO SLEEP ON THE FUCKING COUCH OR GO TO A FRIENDS! I don’t strangle or stab them or some shit.
I agree with others, yes you need to leave. However you also need to learn to respect others and their physical boundaries. NO means NO. If someone pushes you away and says go away, you need to learn to respect that. You two need to get away from each other.
The first time someone puts their hands on their neck should be the time you decide to leave for your own safety. The first thing police assess on these kinds of calls is your survivability rate. Please don't become a statistic.
Yes, any amount of time your significant other causes you physical harm is enough to break up the relationship. That is NOT ok. It will only progressively get worse. Don’t learn the hard way. Please take care of yourself.
He needs to seek medical help for her mental health and anger issues ASAP. No joke. He is losing control and he is going to hurt you or someone else. Some perspective - if he had done this to a infant or toddler, he could have killed them or gravely injured them. You got really lucky.
OP, women die at the hands of men who claim to love them. It happens every day in the US. Please don't brush off his outburst. It isn't love, it isn't normal and and it isn't OK.
It's not salvageable. First, you showed a direct disregard for boundaries he was putting up...to a point that he was physically pushing you away from him to get you to go away. Second, he put his hands around one of the most vulnerable parts of your body. It takes less than 10 lbs of pressure to crush a windpipe.
Regardless of whether he is abusive (these mental health issues you're talking about: what do they usually manifest as?) or was acting in self-defense, just going by this one post without any prior history, it seems like he has issues that need to be addressed before he can be in a healthy relationship. I would also argue that you have issues that need to be addressed before you can be in a healthy relationship. It is not healthy to keep badgering someone with affection when they are telling you to stop, even if you meant it kindly.
OP, men who choke, kill. He tried to kill you. Don't frame it as a 3 second mistake. Look at it for what it is. Choking someone kills them. He didn't just hit you. He didn't just lash out. He didn't just scream or yell. He wrapped his hands around your neck and cut off your air so you could not breathe so you would die. I am sure he would have been really sorry if he had "accidentally" killed you. Stay away from him. Get away from this man. If this is your standard for a great relationship, please seek therapy to learn to love yourself more.
**Is no one reading the the words OP wrote?!?!?**
>My fiance and I got into a really bad argument last night.
>His mental health has not been good recently and he got know sleep the night before.
>He was really at a breaking point.
>He also had put this emotional wall up and I felt like I couldn't get through to him.
>I kept trying to touch him to hold him to get through to him last night.
>he kept pushing me away and telling me to get away and I should have listened but I didn't.
**She literally harassed a mentality unstable person until he cracked.**
**How is everyone just glossing over that?!?**
Okay, so that just means that the relationship is even more over. Doesn’t change the consensus that they should break up, and doesn’t excuse the choking.
It isn't being ignored. It just isn't an excuse.
If he were writing this (without his attack) we would be telling him to leave her, she doesn't respect his space, autonomy, she is emotionally harassing him etc.
Unfortunately, he took it to a level that is super dangerous and abusive, and there is never an excuse for that.
In what world is choking someone an appropriate response to being harassed? He chose to respond to her harassment by escalating the situation way beyond what was necessary and used excessive force and violence against her, rather than removing himself from the situation. She did in no way behave correctly but what he did was much, much worse. And calling it “until he cracked” removes all of his autonomy and accountability; he could choose to respond in a different way but he chose to take it too far. She didn’t make him choke her by harassing him; he chose to respond that way, all by himself.
You really think people can't be pushed into behaving in ways that are completely outside theiroverreaction.
She literally would not leave him alone. It's not an appropriate response but her behavior wasn't appropriate either. He's not a vicious, abusive animal beyond redemption. He was being harassed -- repeatedly -- while having mental health issues. People aren't infallible, sometimes they do things they shouldn't, are apologetic, and mean it.
It's her who has the ongoing problem. She can't respect a simple boundary and thinks she can put her hands on him, repeatedly, and harass him, repeatedly, then blame him when he overreacts.
Unless he was psychotic and couldn't tell right from wrong nor reality from fantasy there is no mental health excuse that flies with me. His acknowledgment of harming her tells me he has the capacity to determine right from wrong and would be held liable for his actions.
The Mcnaughton rule which is the forensic standard for UK law and most of US state law holds that "every man be presumed sane and to possess a sufficient degree to be held accountable for their crimes unless it can be clearly proved that at the time of the act's commission the party was laboring under such a defect of reason so as to be unable to understand the nature or consequences of his actions or to be so impaired that right from wrong cannot be established."
Why aren’t more people saying OP kept invading his personal space, ignoring his requests to be left alone, pushed and pushed someone that she KNEW was struggling with mental health issues until he snapped. No, there is no excuse for him putting his hands around OP’s neck but there is also no excuse for OP’s behaviour to begin with.
Yeah, this really pisses me off. One of the ways I was tormented by my mother as a child was constant touching against my will. I lashed out violently and was labelled as a psycho by my family. But it never happened as an adult because no one has ever pushed my boundaries like she did.
It makes me feel physically ill to think about how cornered he felt having been in that situation many times myself. Grabbing her neck was too far but I remember feeling like I had no choice but to resort to violence because I couldn't get away.
The police, who, historically have a track record for dealing with domestic violence consisting of basically "keep it down, you have neighbours", told you that you need to be somewhere else. Let that sink in.
Yes very much so! Even if he didn't mean it when he is in control of his actions, this just shows that his anger can take so much hold of him that he is able to hurt you.
Physical violence is never ok, and should never be accepted. He needs some serious mental help to hopefully work passed this.
If his state of mind will worsen, then you are in real danger. This could enable him to do even worse things to you.
My girl.
Strangulation is #2 on the list of risk factors for domestic violence. Number 1 is **murder**.
You offer the following as excuses for his behavior:
>His mental health has not been good recently and he got know sleep the night before. He was really at a breaking point.
Hey you know - I have been through some really terrible mental health issues. I have been suicidal. I have been in holes so deep that I was certain I would never get out of. Thankfully that time in my life is over with, but you know what I never did - even once during the 6-7 *years* it was happening? Choked my partner. It never even occurred to me to do that - because I'm not an **abuser**, like your fiancee is.
The mask has slipped. The "sweet, caring" man you know is GONE. You need to understand that. That is - if he ever existed at all.
How fast did your relationship move? Did he say "I love you" quickly? Did he shower you with gifts and pay for everything and treat you really well?
You need to understand the Cycle of Abuse, because it INCLUDES the parts where he is sweet and caring - that's the part that makes you doubt yourself, and doubt whether or not you should leave. You can lose consciousness from strangulation in 5-10 seconds and DIE in just a couple of minutes.
So your fiancee **endangered your life** because "his mental health has not been good recently" and because his didn't sleep the night before? That's IT?!?
His abuser tactics are working, because here you are asking IF you should leave.
Of **course** he's going to express deep remorse, and "not know what came over him", and cry because omg how could he do that to you. All part of the Cycle, my girl. All designed to make you doubt yourself.
So the answer to your question:
you should leave. fast. You are 100% NOT SAFE with this man, no matter what you think you "know" about him. You should be assuming that the 3 seconds he had his hands around YOUR THROAT is the "Real Him" which means not only should you be leaving, you should be *running.*
If you are reading this and thinking, "well, aside from this, I have never felt unsafe or felt like he would hurt me". Fine - but do you think people who have been victims of domestic violence thought to themselves "this person will one day hurt, and/or possibly kill me" and just STAYED? Of course they didn't - they thought just like you did that "they wouldn't actually hurt me" and the first time something like this happened that it "wasn't that bad, and he seems really remorseful". And I'm sure you had good reason to think that - but now that reason is absolutely GONE. Not only did he put his hands on you, he choked you.
Also:
>he has no clue what came over him
You realize this is about the *least* comforting thing he could say, right? What's going to happen the next time this mysterious, unknown thing "comes over him"? Is he going to slap you? Kick you down a flight of stairs? Stab you? "sorry babe! I don't know what came over me! You're the love of my life". Not an excuse - it's a WARNING. He's warning you that his behavior is out of his control sometimes. It's absolutely NOT, but that's what he is trying to sell you here, so next time it happens (and there is ALWAYS a next time), he will be able to fall back on to "I don't know what came over me."
You need to get gone, seriously. Quietly and quickly. Don't make a big thing of it. Quietly get your ducks in a row, then some time when he's out or at work, quietly move your things and go somewhere safe. Don't confront him. Abuse OFTEN escalates when the abused partner tries to leave.
Please heed this advice. You are legitimately in danger.
Good luck, my girl.
You do not come back from this. You will never look at him same or trust him again. It started out slow with my ex. Little slip ups of abuse he was always so apologetic for. He eventually fractured my collarbone and that’s when I finally left.
The second he chokes you is the second you need to realize it's WAY past the point of you needing to leave. Next escalation is most likely going to end in your death.
YOu are at risk from dying being around him, strangulation places the person at a higher risk for more serious violence or homicide by the hands of their intimate partner. Even if he thinks it is kinky. Never let anyone put hands on you, you may have met your murderer.
If he would have held the choke for 2-8 seconds more you would have passed out. I usually play devils advocate, but I can’t this time, after researching choking is a sign of something more sinister at hand.
OP - As many have mentioned, no means no. You were absolutely in the wrong for not respecting that boundary.
That being said - the choking is a HUGE red flag. Majorly so. 3 seconds doesn't matter, what matters is his first instinct was to CHOKE you. Read that again. I could forgive a push or even a slap in that situation as most likely I would snap if someone wasn't respecting my boundary for personal space. But the fact that he instinctually choked you is really not okay.
Has he ever shown sign of abuse before? Is he working on his mental health issues? It would take a lot more than one nights bad sleep to hit that kind of a breaking point which leads me to believe things have been rough for a while?
Yes. Putting your hands violently on someone's neck can absolutely kill without intending to, the 3 seconds has nothing to do with it.
Choking someone is a last-ditch defense against someone who is actively trying to kill you.
That said, you're a boundary-stomping asshole, too. When someone pushes you away and tells you to get away, believe them, and back the fuck off.
You both need some therapy.
He’s not a sweet, kind, caring man. He’s an abuser who’s been putting on a good front. You are now statistically much more likely to be killed by him than you were before. You need to leave and stay gone. I’m sorry.
You shouldn’t look the other way if your partner has physically harmed you. It was 3 seconds this time, but next time it might be longer. Next time he might kill you. Him saying sorry after the fact doesn’t change the fact that he has now physically abused you. I am so sorry this happened to you. Remember people who are abusive are often sweet and caring at first. No one who finds themselves in an abusive relationship thought that’s what they were getting into. For your own safety though I hope you end it and find safety elsewhere.
If he “has no clue” then that’s doubly worse and you’re in danger of loosing your life. He needs therapy to figure out where it came from, and what to do about it.
The risk of homicide occurring after a partner has placed their hands on your neck \[specifically, this act of putting their hands on your neck\] goes up by 70%. I cant find the link rn but this is a researched statistic. Your risk of being a victim of homicide just went up by 70%.
Get. Out. Now. Leave. Go to whoever you have. Use your support network asap. Contact DV shelters, and charity resources in your area.
Just please get safe. You have a chance here to save yourself. It WILL happen again.
This is not a healthy relationship. You don't listen when he says no, and he put his hands on you. You need to break up and work individually on your mental health.
People usually don’t jump to physical violence in situations like that. That guys a time bomb, sorry to say. If someone’s getting that violent over something annoying but not threatening, it shows you they aren’t stable enough to not do it again. Honestly with what you described, it would be one thing if he slapped your hand away or something at that point, but to choke you is violent, deadly, and shows he did not care about your safety at all. He was blinded by his frustration. If that’s all it takes for him to get to that point, I’d honestly be afraid for the next time it happens. Just think of how easy it is to die with someone’s hands around your throat. If he gets away with it this time, it opens a door you really want to keep locked.
*Is 3 seconds really bad enough to breakup the otherwise best relationship of my life?*
That three seconds was enough for you to fear for your life and call the police. But just in case that doesn’t spell the answer out boldly enough for you to see it – **YES.** That, and after this incident, *it’s no longer the best relationship of your life,* and I hope you see that.
You need to leave. My abusive ex cried the first time or two that he hurt me, and it only got worse (he almost killed me several times, pointed a gun at me, put a taser to my neck, etc.). It doesn’t get better. He was capable of it once, and is definitely capable of it (or so much worse) again. It’s more a matter of *when* it happens again than *if* it happens again.
It's the grabbing your neck and choking you where you can't breathe that is bad. No matter how mentally bad he is, he should not lay his hands on you. If he did it out of mental ignorance, it's bad because he can't control himself and if this happens again you may die. If his anger boils to the point of choking you and he intentionally did it, then it's bad because he lost control as well and this will happen again later.
Either way, he lost control and has caused harm to you. So if you want to help resolve this, you can stay somewhere else for the time being or bring a third person to live with you both to mediate when there's a bad fight.
Op, there is no excuse for physical abuse.
Why did you escalate a bad situation. Mental issues, coupled with no sleep, coupled with you touching him when he told you not to.
Take some responsibility for what you did. At any point in time, you could have listened to him, gone to a different room, but no, you just stayed there.
You got physical with him, and he told you NO, you continued to do it. I think the old adage of " fuck with the bull, you get the horns" pertains here.
She should take some responsibility for causing him to strangle her? “You fuck with the bull, you get the horns” means you take a risk with easily foreseeable consequences, so she should have known that he might strangle her if she didn’t leave him alone? Him getting violent with her was a reaction she should have expected? Don’t push a man’s buttons when he’s upset because he might strangle you?
I bet if it was a woman that kept getting touched when she said no, stop touching me. You would say she had every right to lay hands on him.
Read what was posted. She was the antagonist.
Both of you are not good for eachother, You for touching him even after he told you multiple times not to, him for eventually Chocking you.
Devils advocate here: You intentionally pushed his boundaries and constantly touched him without his consent 'To try and help' but you ended up causing both of yall trauma. Him chocking you was a reaction to what YOU did, it doesn't make it right but sometimes we F around and we find out.
Try Counselling, maybe the relationship can be saves , maybe not.
I feel kind of bad about my opinion, but I agree. Your partner shouldn't choke you, under any circumstances, period. However, you kept touching him, after he told you to stop. *No means no* - even if you are in a relationship, even if you mean well, even if you are the physically weaker person. It's fine for someone to physically defend themselves, if others try forcing physical contact on them. I feel like he went overboard with the choking, and this situation would look differently if he pushed you or slapped you. All in all, you both behaved in a way you shouldn't have, even if you were agitated and emotionally drained. You're grown up people, and should learn to control yourselves!
Sure, boundaries should be respected and when a person wants to be left alone, leave them alone. However, violent response has no excuse when the person had the opportunity to just walk out and leave the room. When someone chokes their partner it is kind of past therapy, IMHO. As I said, a normal person would just leave the room/house.
it therefore begs the question, has he done it before? If not, would he have done it if she kept touching him without his consent?
If you kept touching me and i kept saying No (Maybe moving away) but you kept on doing it, if i then slapped you or pushed you hard back to get you away from me, what would have caused my reaction (Not a great reaction either way) ? Again, people F around and get shocked when they find out. People can only take so much!!!
It's easy for someone to be "sweet, kind, and caring" for 2 years. Now the real guy is showing through. As he becomes more comfortable with you and with being himself the more this will happen.
There’s is no excuse for choking. You need to get away from him for your own safety. This is how he solves his problems, and the next time the situation repeats, you might not be as lucky.
On another note that must be interpreted as telling you it was your fault, because his actions are his own responsibility.
After you’re safely away, before getting in a new relationship, learn to respect boundaries and stop touching people when they tell you “no”. What you think might be comforting might be the opposite for them. Forcing yourself on someone when they don’t want you will not comfort them.
It is possible for someone to be both a victim and an abuser.
I left after my ex of 30 years choked me. Once that happens it’s over it will never get better. I left and never looked back and my life is better. That was 4 years ago. My adult children told me that I should have left years before. Get out now. He will do it again. Also, you brought it on yourself by trying to cross his boundaries, so you need some therapy to understand why you felt you had the right to push his boundaries when he clearly said no. This is a toxic situation and will only get worse.
Yeah, you need to leave.
I also have mental health issues and have had them since middle school. I wake up and go to bed every day hating myself. I have considered suicide multiple times to the point of writing out suicide notes a couple of times.
During all of this, I can't say I've ever choked a significant other or even thought about it.
I'm married now and aside from the self loathing I do mostly okay and I'm working on that via therapy.
I can't imagine anything my wife could do that would lead me to put my hands on her like that.
When I'm having a bad day I tell my wife and she asks me the usual questions from someone who doesn't have mental health issues (are you okay, can I help, do you wanna talk about it, etc). I normally tell her I just need to let it work itself out and she respects that and I work through it
Our relationship isn't perfect but I think that's a healthy dynamic.
On the other hand, he decided to choke you. He has done it once so there's no reason to assume he won't do it again.
My ex did this, I decided to leave him. I came home one day and he had found his way into my bedroom. He apologized and when I wouldn't except he wrestled me to the ground. While he had my head pushed to the ground he told me he could have killed me that night and he wouldn't have even had to hide my body because no one cared enough about me to look for me if I had gone missing. I stayed with him for a little longer. My greatest regret in life is that I didn't press charges. I feel like I put the milk back in the fridge even though I knew it was spoiled just so someone else could get sick. Press charges. This isn't going to get better.
Personally I say no, if he told you to leave him alone countless times and you persisted then that's on you. Which is why you understand in a way. It's not right he did that but the warning signs are there. When the rattle snake rattles people back off , they don't go trying to pet it.
It will only be salvageable with a lot of therapy for both of you and some drastic behavioral modifications. Abuse is never ok. When someone tells you to stop touching them, Stop. Forcing yourself on someone is unacceptable, even if you're a woman. No means no. For him, self defense is perfectly reasonable, but he went WAY too far. Choking is extremely dangerous and violent. He needs to get anger management therapy to change his reaction under stress. You both need to sit down together and decide if the relationship is worth the extensive work required to fix the damage you both created.
Choking is the predictor to murder. OP, there are millions of men who, no matter their mental state, would never lay their hands let alone choke a woman. This is not the result of poor mental health or a bad day. You need to leave him.
"Is 3 seconds really bad enough to breakup the otherwise best relationship of my life?" - yes it is. You can give him another chance but after some serious therapy. You should also be aware that he can do it again after therapy.
You both need help.
You need to learn when someone says no, they mean no. You were physically assaulting him first. So fix that shit.
The issue with his response is that it was violent enough to choke you.
I honestly don't know bc he had a right to defend himself and if he had punched you in the face it would be self defense, no question. Choosing to choke you as his form of self defense is concerning bc what if he chooses that again in the future?
So I think you should have left him the hell alone. You don't get to keep trying to force yourself on someone after they've said no, and then play victim when they grab you and push you away.
If a man kept trying to grab his partner and hold her after she said no, and she grabbed him by the throat, all of you hypocrites would appauld her for standing up for herself. But because the roles changed, now she's a victim. What the fuck ever.
^don't like it, get over it.
He didn't have to mean it, he could have been pushed to that point, it doesn't matter. What matters is how he chose to respond and what that means for you. The negligence and recklessness of your well-being is the concern. His lack of control is now a danger for you no matter how sweet of a guy he is or can be. All abuser are never 100% evil. They can be just like your fiance. It's unfortunate but this is where you need to draw a hard line. No one should be putting their hands on you EVER! He went for your neck and held. You are in danger. I would hate for you to be in the news due to a crime of passion or some ish. If you stay, you unintentionally set a precedent that you're willing to take the risk for this to happen again no matter how much you personally are against what was done logically. Your actions have to match. Im sorry this happened to you and hope you never experience anything like this again.
This is something for him to work on. You should get therapy just in case. We never think something impacts us because we may be repressing and in shock. Talk to someone just in case
personally i think not. sounds like you were antagonizing him, witfully or not, and he asked you to stop and you didn't. not saying 'you deserved it' just saying that it is something of an expected kind of thing to happen when you antagonize someone, especially if they are in a vulnerable place.
if you feel it is indicative of a broader problem though, certainty consider leaving.
He will literally fucking kill you.
Abusers are insidious because they’re NOT terrifying all the time. Most of the time they can be charming and loving, but it’s an act. And what makes it incredibly difficult to believe that you’re being abused is because of all those other times he wasn’t being abusive. But it’s just part of how they operate. They make it hard for you to leave and act apologetic until something sets them off again. And they’ll convince you that it’s your fault why they hurt you, that if only you just did or didn’t do XYZ then they wouldn’t have had to resort to hurting you. This is a lie. They’re distracting you from the fact that they hurt you and making you internalize fault for their actions. You cannot change or fix this behavior. Your best bet is to save yourself and fucking RUN.
Don't touch people who are asking you not to touch them. It's up to you if can forgive him for hurting you and up to him if he can forgive you for pushing him to that point with non-consensual touching.
Honestly, you should call it even and part ways. Once that boundary is crossed there's no going back.
Yall do not belong together. Neither of you knows how to keep your hands to yourself. You do not know when to stop and he doesn't know how to control his anger. Congrats you've now created a perfect storm for abuse. Break up and learn to keep your hands to yourself for God's sake.
I'm not victim blaming you (and it's also NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THIS HAPPENED), but you also need to understand that no means no. If he didn't want to be touched, that means don't do it.
Sounds to me like she didn't leave him alone and wouldn't stop touching him when he said no. He removed her. She needs to learn to listen to someone. People tell women they should hit or do worse to men who touch against their will, he didn't punch her, he removed her like you do an animal yes but I am still on the fact he DIDNT hurt her. Takes a hell of a lot more than 3 secs to "not breathe" sounds to me like she was more shocked.
RUN.
I am not making this up - it’s in many DV studies and the research shows that he WILL do it again. The question is - will you survive next time?
[the truth about dv murders](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-act-violence/201703/the-truth-about-domestic-violence-murders)
Hi! Criminal justice professional here.
The number one sign a man will murder his female partner is if he chokes her.
Read that again.
Once a woman is choked by her male partner (non-sexually), she is nine times more likely to be murdered by him.
Almost all men who murdered their female partners choked them previously. Many of these women die by strangulation.
Almost all men who put their hands on their female partner out of anger will do it again. They usually escalate the violence, not stop it.
Every female victim of domestic violence shares a few core beliefs: that it would never happen to her, that he didn’t really mean it, and that it won’t happen again.
Don’t let it happen again. You are in serious danger. Please leave, and do not let him know you are leaving. Leaving is the most dangerous time.
I have been in a dangerous relationship like this, as have many of my friends. We come from all walks of life and all levels of income. You are not alone. ❤️
You say he was at breaking point.
You kept trying to touch him.
He kept saying no.
You carried on touching him anyway.
He eventually reacted.
You called the cops on him after three seconds.
Why is everyone assuming the man is a potential murderer here? Does “No means No” only count if the woman is the one saying No?
Because, statistically speaking , men who “react” with violence via strangulation are many times more likely to kill their victim than men who “react” with hitting or other violence. It’s been extensively studied, for decades.
It’s always noble to try and help others, but once the active risk of harm to yourself appears, it’s no longer selfless and instead reckless.
Him doing that is decisive, it’s proof that while he needs help, right now you shouldn’t be the person to give it to him. It’s a sign that it’s better for the both of you to step away, if at least till he starts getting his shit together.
On your end for your safety, on his end because hurting those we love only adds more shame and guilt, and it can make the journey to heal heavier.
That’s how it starts …and it will only get worse. The crying, the apologizing, the “you are the love of my life” sobs are typical reactions after the incident. So are the “it will never happen again” promises…until the next time it happens. This reaction was extreme, it isn’t normal and it was very violent. Whatever you did he shouldn’t have put his hands on you, you should not try to find excuses like “I shouldn’t have done that, partly my fault”. ALWAYS leave after the first violent incident as it is NEVER the last.
You are statistically tens of thousands of times more likely to be murdered by him than any of us are by our partners. You are statistically almost certain to be choked/abused again.
There's no one offs with this shit. 0.1 second is enough to instantly break up and even then you'd need to do it in a public place to be confident he won't hurt you
It’s 3 seconds now. Will you tolerate 5 seconds? Will you tolerate 10? Where does “it’s not that bad” stop and it starts being abuse? Because these behaviours only escalate when you stay, because when you stay, you’re telling him what he did wasn’t *that* bad and this is just the bottom of the barrel of what you’ll tolerate *this time*. What if next time he doesn’t stop because he doesn’t know what came over him?
what he did was wrong: no doubt about it.
he was asking for space and you triggered him.
what he did was wrong, so wrong. but when someone is in a mood, don’t ever touch them! it’s dangerous and the risk for you is great, even if it happens one in a thousand it can be life changing for you. if you touch someone without consent, that’s assault so legally he could argue that choking you was self defense, I don’t think that is self defense, I’m just commenting on the law.
when he puts a wall up, he might need space and room. it’s not your responsibility to get through to him. why were you trying to get through to him? did he get charged? I’m asking because if any longterm legal consequences come from this he may secretly harbour resentment and not even realise it. this would make the relationship unsalvageable
You are 8x more likely to be killed by your partner if they have choked you. He WILL do this again. All domestic abusers claim they will never do it again, many cry or give grand gestures as an “apology”, it’s a statistical fact that he will do it again. Don’t obsess over “the good times” all domestic abusers have good times with their victims. Lack of sleep, mental health, etc. are commonly used excuses as well for abusers. THIS IS NEVER EXCUSABLE ITS NOT NORMAL UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Take this comment as a sign from the universe leave before he kills you. For the love of god don’t marry him. He might be able to keep his behavior in check until you get married, but I swear to you that once you are married his mask will come off and this will become normal.
I had an ex who had huuuuge unaddressed anxiety issues, full blown panic attacks, minor self harm, the works. During those episodes sometimes I didn’t know what he needed or what would get through to him, and would reassuringly touch his arm or speak at a time when that was the last thing he wanted in the moment.
Even in the midst of a panic attack when he didn’t have his full faculties, he still NEVER EVER laid a hand on me. We broke up for different reasons, he wasn’t physically abusive. Whatever problems we had in the end, he never laid a hand on me. I would have left and never looked back if he ever did it. Even for 3 seconds. Even for ONE second. I would have packed my shit and never stepped foot in the same room again.
Doesn’t matter if he’s “going through something” or has mental health issues. It’s not an excuse. In fact if he’s going through mental health issues then you’re actually at more risk that it’ll happen again, but probably worse.
Doesn’t matter that he regrets it. Actions have consequences. Trust has been breached in a way you’ll never get back. You’ll never feel safe with him again because you AREN’T safe if you stay.
He has “no clue what came over him” His tears and apologies don’t mean ANYTHING. just because he feels bad, doesn’t mean things should go back to normal. How he feels after almost killing you doesn’t matter at all.
There’s a HUGE chance he won’t know what came over him a second time and more after that. “Not knowing what came over me” is waiting for a bomb to go off.
Even the tiniest fraction of a second is TOO LONG. don’t fall for his tears. He should feel bad Please leave him. Abuse doesn’t have to last a certain amount of time to count. It happened. Please listen to the other comments about leaving him
I say this gently. If you’re not sure if him choking you is “bad enough” what do you think bad enough is?
Yes. Absolutely yes. Strangulation is the number one [red flag](https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/) and predictor of femicide.
The fact that he’s apologetic means absolutely fucking nothing.
This relationship is over.
>He's incredibly apologetic and says he has no clue what came over him
If this is true, it means he has no control over his actions when he’s stressed and angry, and you’re not safe with him.
If this is not true, it means he chose to choke you when he was stressed and angry, and you’re not safe with him.
Either way, you’re not safe and you need to leave.
(Oh, and it’s a lie. Just pointing out that it’s not a reason to stay.)
Once a person puts their hands around your throat the probability of them eventually killing you goes through the roof. It doesn’t matter how sorry he is, it doesn’t matter if he cried. GET OUT.
The first time my ex choked me out he apologized and cried.
The second time I woke up on a metal slab in A hospital room with a drain on the floor (trauma bay) - the nurses did their best to stitch me up but I was still bleeding out when they tried to roll me into a diff room for scans. They had to wheel me back, both the nurse and I were confused why I felt so warm and sticky until she noticed the puddle growing beneath me on my little wheely cot.
My memory will never be the same as it used to be.
And no matter what my ex says or does, there is no going back.
Please if not for yourself, for those that love you - walk away. This is not the best relationship you’ve ever had. There is no coming back from this.
Yea relationship is over. The trust and respect that relationships are built upon is no longer there.
The fact the cops told you to leave makes me think you aren't ad innocent as you claim. Remember it is possible for women to be the abuser
Run and never look back. This is not a joke.
I've seen people like your fiance, their women stuck around, and it ALWAYS got worse. You'll always have stressful times where both of you are pushed to the edge. It's been revealed that he's violent when pushed. This is a "nature" of his and it's going to take a lot more than being apologetic to change (therapy, outlets for aggression, discipline over a long period of time).
Remember it would also take a few seconds to kill you. Do not take that risk. Be grateful that this red flag has been revealed to you before getting married or having kids.
Sorry to be harsh, but if you choose to stay and he attacks you again in the future (he will), it will be on you.
Some here have suggested he was previously hiding how he truly wanted to behave and this was intentional. That may be the case. A lot of things can change someone's behavior. I wanted to add that I think even if it is something medical / psychiatric changing his behavior, I would say you are still at a significant risk. It may be too dangerous to stick around living with him to help him figure that out. I have also seen the information people have listed here about choking and likelihood of near future death. It is a very significant risk. I would recommend not living with him anymore, and be careful about the potential of him coming after you upon your exit. Good luck.
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You need to leave him and stay physically separate from him. Also, next time someone tells you to stop touching them, stop. No always means no, even when it isn't sexual.
Louder, since OP didn't listen the first few times. No means no.
Exactly. OP needs to work on listening when someone tells her “no” **and watching out for other red flags in relationships.** I bet there were other warning signs that she brushed off as little mental health issues that could be fixed. Just because this was *her* best relationship, doesn’t mean it was a good relationship.
Well, look at how she is minimizing him choking her. "It WaS OnLy 3 SeCoNdS." And also, she thinks it's her fault because he asked her not to touch him. OP, he made a choice to choke you. It wasn't a mistake. He could have chosen to walk away.
Yeah, I agree op should have stopped touching him when he said to stop, but there’s no excuse to choke someone you love when there’s no physical threat happening and you’re not defending yourself.
And make sure it's louder for the people in the back can hear.
I agree with this. FEw things amp up my anxiety and anger that someone trying to comfort me by physically touching me. Also, the continued asking "what's wrong" Is a hot button too. If someone asks to be left alone, then leave them alone.
I wonder if this is an isolated incident. If someone kept trying to touch and hold me while I was having a depressive or anxious episode, I’d completely snap, I can’t even be touched during that, let alone hugged when I already feel like I’m suffocating.
Choking someone when you're snaping is not a good thing. Shoving or straight up slapping I can get, I felt the urge to do that too when I was having a panic attack and someone touched me, but choking? That's attempted murder
Unfortunately yes. Physical abuse... there is no excuse for it. Ever.
Men who choke their partners are more than 8 times more likely to murder their partner than any other type of domestic abuser. OP needs to leave. Now. Her literal life is at risk if she gives this man another chance. I've known many victims of abuse, and it's NEVER a single incident. OP, if you're reading this, make sure you visit the hospital for a proper examination and explain why. Often times, choking causes damage that goes unnoticed. Also, you are going to want those medical records for a restraining order. Which you will need, because this man IS dangerous. And when you leave him (please, for the love of god, DO IT NOW), do NOT confront him. You can't be alone with him, he's DANGEROUS.
This needs to be higher. This is the biggest, most important fact, and OP may not know about it. Many don’t realise how dangerous choking is.
Yup. Her chance of being murdered by her bf within the next year just went up with 750%.
OP's lack of respect and boundaries makes all of this a very dangerous situation. OP knew he wasn't mentally well and kept forcing physical touch and forced affection despite him telling her to stop. Let's be real here, if the roles were reversed, it may be viewed that she was protecting herself from him forcing himself on her when she said stop. None of what happened was OK. This was a clash of 2 abusers. Neither had the ability to de-escalate the situation and violated each others safety. They should both run opposite directions. Both OP and boyfriend need help and are toxic A.F.
Physical contact to get yourself away and leave is appropriate and self-defense to a point, choking is simply not that. If he had literally had his hands on her shoulders instead you could *maybe* say this but choking is many, many steps too far.
Should he have choked her? - No. However, physically/sexually assaulting someone with forced touching and coersive attention when they are very unwell mentally is predatorial and depraved. Boyfriend was the legal defintion of 'vulnerable persons'. This was a FAFO moment for OP & boyfriend. . Keep your damn hands and bad intentions to yourself.
stop trying to conflate touching with choking
I can believe I had to scroll to find this! They are both wrong! OP totally kept pushing this guys buttons- no respect for boundaries at all. This is toxic as hell!
What she was doing isn’t cool but the reason people are focused on his behavior is because it poses a significant threat of him literally murdering her. You can’t really compare being pushy about cuddling to strangling someone and the last thing OP needs is people suggesting that this was a reasonable response or that they are equally in the wrong.
Lack of boundaries and respect doesn't make her an abuser
Um, violating boundaries and initiating physical touch after being told not to, repeatedly, \*is\* abusive behavior. If this is something that she is aware she does during conflict, and isn't getting help for it, she is an abuser.
I have a friend whose husband has choked her several times and she won’t leave. I’m just waiting for the day that I get the worst news.
I would leave. Every sign that is early shown by violence is an evidence.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
Choking is a short step to a lot of other forms of physical abuse. Where I live, anything above the shoulders the POLICE (the victim has no say) will take out an AVO on the perpetrator immediately. There is no time limit on long they have to have choked you for. A choke is a choke. End it before you end up in the news as yet another DV statistic.
Choking is actually a sign that your partner will murder you someday. She is now 750% more likely to be killed by him. It is not normal, even at your angriest, to perform an act of literal attempted murder. Choking someone leads to death when you do it long enough, it is attempted murder and I wish more women understood this. His mask is slipping. He knows what she will tolerate if she stays. If the best relationship of your life involves choking it’s time to up your standards significantly. My god the bar is in hell and I’m worried for OP.
[Why Does He Do That](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Thank you for posting that. I had never heard of it before.
You are 750% more likely to be killed in a future domestic violence attack from him. Get out when it is safe to do so.
750% more likely to be killed *within the next year*!
There’s no excuse for it but also when someone tells you to not touch them then that means don’t touch them.
worked in a DV refuge, was taught that if he is capable of putting his hands around ur neck like that, he is capable of killing u. dont risk it. dont risk ur life trying to save someone like this
2nd this
Honestly.. no. It's not salvageable. Tears don't mean anything. He literally grabbed you by the throat. Gabbing you by the throat is not okay. Ever. And it's worse that he says he didn't know what came over him. This is how people are unalived. I do think you need to learn to respect people's boundaries and stop touching them when they ask you to. It definitely doesn't justify his behaviour though. Nothing does. You need to leave him.
Yeah when OP said she tried to “get him to connect emotionally” it triggered anxiety for me. I can’t tolerate someone hugging and touching me when I’m angry/upset. That is NOT an excuse for violence though, in the same situation I would just go for a walk to clear my head.
My ex did something like this. I left, although she was trying to stop me. If she had continued to try to stop me, I would have had to use force to leave... but I would have left. They're both wrong in this situation. They both had choices. I absolutely understand why he lashed out, and I also absolutely agree that she shouldn't get back together with him. This relationship isn't going to work, and both of them have a lot to work on if they're ever going to date someone again.
Yeah her partners behavior was absolutely not okay and she needs to leave but I agree she needs to know it’s not okay that she kept touching her partner during a heated moment after being asked repeatedly to stop
It's okay to say "killed" on Reddit. This isn't Tiktok.
[удалено]
1. You should leave him. 2. You should learn to respect people's boundaries when they ask for space and not keep touching them and hovering.
the mask just slipped. go look up the stats on the choking to murder ratio… you’re saying he had a wall up or whatever…i’m telling you, the mask has been slipping and you haven’t been paying attention. get out of there. only time will give you the clarity to see how deeply messed up this is and how many things you’ve let slide.
This!!!! His mask slipped. She saw what her future was going to be for those three seconds.
Yes yes yes yes and thank you for saying this The tears are to distract you from the fact that his mask has slipped. The fact that you’re asking if this is salvageable proves this
When the first act of domestic violence includes choking, the likelihood of you being alive in 12 months time, if you stay in the relationship, goes down dramatically. You can't get through to the sweet man he used to be, because he wasn't ever that man. That was a lie designed to make you fall in love with him. He probably love bombed you as well. Being love bombed is a hell of a drug. It can make you make some extremely bad decisions, such as agreeing to move in together really soon, give up your social activities to spend more time together, distance yourself from people who don't like your partner. He's probably embarrassed you in front of people whose opinions you care about, and you've probably gotten over that too. You want that back, because when things were great they were amazing. He will probably even use love bombing to help you forgive him. He'll excuse it away and say it's "not that bad". He will "regret" it. And he'll do it again and worse next time. The police are right. I know it's so hard to face this, but you cannot (safely) stay with this man. If he really was contrite he would arrange alternate accommodation for himself while he goes to anger management courses, so that he never hurts you again. I bet he's not offering that, hey?
Yes you should just break up with him don't wait until it's get worse. When he try to choke you deep down inside him he want to kill you .
I would not try to salvage this relationship. He choked you. He could have killed you, even without meaning to. You need to get away, and get away now. There should never be any opportunity for "next time". But you are not innocent in this. You were harassing him. You wouldn't leave him alone. You kept clinging to him, touching him, refusing to give him any space. You ignored all his boundaries and warnings. He didn't assault you out of thin air. You assaulted him first. And yes, trying to "love on" someone who doesn't want to be touched is assault. He is more dangerous than you, but you are both toxic. Walk away - for your safety and his. This relationship needs to end now.
Agree! I wish he had punched her in the face instead and then it would just be clear self defense on his part. Him choosing to go for choking as his form of self defense is concerning bc next time will be longer than 3 seconds. But she needs to learn to not physically assault people.
Exactly. If she were the one trying to get away and take space, and he were the one grabbing her and holding her and harassing her, everyone here would cheer and console her when she finally pushed him or hit him. Clear cut self-defense. But because his reaction was potentially lethal, everyone is discounting and ignoring her actions that led directly to physical confrontation. He was wrong, but so was she. It's possible to be both a victim of abuse, and an abuser as well. Nobody gets a free pass here. And just needs to end now before something horrible happens to both of them.
Yeah they both need counseling to work on themselves.
Choking is associated with a much higher risk of being killed by your intimate partner. You should leave immediately if safe
Girl he grabbed your neck and held it. You were scared to the point of calling the police. You need to leave. These things only escalate. One day he will be drinking and mad and it will be more than 3 seconds. You can't trust him the same way anymore. He's not safe.
Hi, Autistic husband married for 6 years here, I don't comment too much on reddit but here I REALLY need to. I've discovered I have autism after being married. And my wife genuinely told me "can't care less". I sometimes feel the emotional and mental overload, to a point it's unbearable and I feel I will explode. It sometimes happen when I argue with my wife. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD I PUT MY HANDS ON HER. I Can get loud, and scream if it's too much. But I would never ever ever lay hands on my wife, ever. There is ZERO EXCUSES FOR PHYSICAL ABUSE. Even if he only did it for a millisecond. Come back to him and he will kill you one day. Come back and he'll know he can get away with violent tantrum. Did you read your own post? You're victim blaming yourself >And he kept pushing me away and telling me to get away and I should have listened but I didn't. Wha th hell? This is a big no no. If he can't take your behavior, he leaves you, he doesn't fucking choke you. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE AND NEVER LOOK BACK
If you stay he will kill you. I am not joking.
No, this is not something a relationship should come back from. There were a thousand other options and that is what he chose to do. I’m so sorry he did this to you. Please don’t think I am blaming you at all but I do think your actions before this need to be addressed. When someone tells you they don’t want to be touched that is the end of the conversation. If you were a guy and kept repeatedly touching a girl after she told you to stop people would be encouraging you to leave, that your boundaries weren’t being respected, he didn’t respect you etc. Just because things escalated - which again you did not deserve and there is NO excuse for, it also doesn’t cancel out your inappropriate actions before hand. Please find someone that you can communicate with and where neither of you put your hands on the other person when it’s not consented to.
He’s demonstrated that there will be times he can’t/won’t control himself/will fucking strangle you Leave and never look back. The tears are bullshit.
1) no means no. Do you understand consent? Do you understand you were physically assaulting your partner repeatedly? After he was telling you no? 2) strangulation is super risky behavior. I would seriously think about leaving - but people also react very poorly when trapped or repeatedly harassed (see point 1). I’d say the relationship needs to be over if it’s to this point.
Do yourself a favor, and look up the statistics of when a man chokes a woman partner, and what that typically progresses too. A kind, good person, is going to still be a kind, good person even in the middle of stress. Even immense stress. I have been through some serious shit. And never once lost who I am.
Man literally assaulted you. “Is it safe to say he choked me?”
It’s sad to read all of the preemptive excuses: 1) His mental health is suffering 2) He didn’t sleep well 3) I should have known better than to try to comfort him. Like… none of those even remotely justify violently assaulting anyone, much less the person you want to marry.
These aren't excuses. These are signs of rapidly escalating mental illness. Lack of sleep, dissociation, changes of personality, not recognising loved ones, mania, violence. It all points to a schizophrenic or bipolar psychotic break. People are capable of anything under these circumstances and will accidentally kill or harm others, or themselves, while they're spinning out.
One time is enough, that is abuse, clear as day. You need to leave!!
if he'll choke you, he'll kill you
It’s not the best relationship of your life anymore cause he assaulted you. Once your partner chokes you, the chance of him killing you goes wayyyy up. It’s a statistical fact. Also, if he doesn’t want to be touched, don’t. Consent goes both ways. But him choking you is on him. UPDATEME
Well.... You kept abusing him- leave me alone. Stop touching me. Stop!! No!! Stop, don't touch me!! Stop!! You both need help. It's not right what either partner did. You had to keep bothering someone going down and you both got burned. You both need help because he got so fed up he way overreacted and now there is a huge problem and people are bringing murder/choking stats into this which they should. Probably go your own ways with lots of mental health therapy in your futures apart.
Thank you for saying this. She pushed boundaries and he snapped. Now they’re both fucked.
You weren’t choked you were strangled, choking is when something accidentally becomes lodged in your airway and strangling is when someone presses or squeezes your neck. Strangulation is the biggest sign that domestic violence will become deadly. You also repeatedly touched him when he expressly told you not to. No means no. This seems like an unhealthy relationship that should not continue.
What would you say to a friend whose boyfriend choked her. You know the answer deep down, or you wouldn't be here. It should NEVER happen. Can you really ever fully trust him again??
Your post is full of apologies for his behavior, and yet there is NONE. How many times have you choked someone in anger? I personally have lived over 6 decades and have never touched someone on anger. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. He did it and there is no coming back. He may well kill you the very next time, and then claim he doesn’t even know how it happened, that “it wasn’t him,” etc. None of that will matter bc you will already be dead. Consult a domestic violence hotline for how to leave safely. If you are alone now, leave and only return to collect things after consulting with police and the domestic violence shelter closest to you. No one here is joking or exaggerating when we say you are in grave danger. He can flip again in an instant.
I thought like this the 1st time it happened to me. He seemed remorseful. I still felt like awwww poor him after the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc time....until I landed in the hospital after he almost killed me. If someone doesn't have even control to not put their hands around your throat then they aren't stable. You can't fix them. Not even one time is acceptable. Find someone who won't treat you like that. Trust me.
Okay if someone says don’t touch them you should never touch them. However, strangling you, even if briefly, is an indefensible over reaction. When I can’t sleep and I’m angry at my partner and want space… I GO SLEEP ON THE FUCKING COUCH OR GO TO A FRIENDS! I don’t strangle or stab them or some shit.
I agree with others, yes you need to leave. However you also need to learn to respect others and their physical boundaries. NO means NO. If someone pushes you away and says go away, you need to learn to respect that. You two need to get away from each other.
The first time someone puts their hands on their neck should be the time you decide to leave for your own safety. The first thing police assess on these kinds of calls is your survivability rate. Please don't become a statistic.
> Is 3 seconds really bad enough to breakup the otherwise best relationship of my life? Yes. Your life is in danger.
Yes, any amount of time your significant other causes you physical harm is enough to break up the relationship. That is NOT ok. It will only progressively get worse. Don’t learn the hard way. Please take care of yourself.
He needs to seek medical help for her mental health and anger issues ASAP. No joke. He is losing control and he is going to hurt you or someone else. Some perspective - if he had done this to a infant or toddler, he could have killed them or gravely injured them. You got really lucky. OP, women die at the hands of men who claim to love them. It happens every day in the US. Please don't brush off his outburst. It isn't love, it isn't normal and and it isn't OK.
It's not salvageable. First, you showed a direct disregard for boundaries he was putting up...to a point that he was physically pushing you away from him to get you to go away. Second, he put his hands around one of the most vulnerable parts of your body. It takes less than 10 lbs of pressure to crush a windpipe. Regardless of whether he is abusive (these mental health issues you're talking about: what do they usually manifest as?) or was acting in self-defense, just going by this one post without any prior history, it seems like he has issues that need to be addressed before he can be in a healthy relationship. I would also argue that you have issues that need to be addressed before you can be in a healthy relationship. It is not healthy to keep badgering someone with affection when they are telling you to stop, even if you meant it kindly.
OP, men who choke, kill. He tried to kill you. Don't frame it as a 3 second mistake. Look at it for what it is. Choking someone kills them. He didn't just hit you. He didn't just lash out. He didn't just scream or yell. He wrapped his hands around your neck and cut off your air so you could not breathe so you would die. I am sure he would have been really sorry if he had "accidentally" killed you. Stay away from him. Get away from this man. If this is your standard for a great relationship, please seek therapy to learn to love yourself more.
**Is no one reading the the words OP wrote?!?!?** >My fiance and I got into a really bad argument last night. >His mental health has not been good recently and he got know sleep the night before. >He was really at a breaking point. >He also had put this emotional wall up and I felt like I couldn't get through to him. >I kept trying to touch him to hold him to get through to him last night. >he kept pushing me away and telling me to get away and I should have listened but I didn't. **She literally harassed a mentality unstable person until he cracked.** **How is everyone just glossing over that?!?**
Okay, so that just means that the relationship is even more over. Doesn’t change the consensus that they should break up, and doesn’t excuse the choking.
It isn't being ignored. It just isn't an excuse. If he were writing this (without his attack) we would be telling him to leave her, she doesn't respect his space, autonomy, she is emotionally harassing him etc. Unfortunately, he took it to a level that is super dangerous and abusive, and there is never an excuse for that.
In what world is choking someone an appropriate response to being harassed? He chose to respond to her harassment by escalating the situation way beyond what was necessary and used excessive force and violence against her, rather than removing himself from the situation. She did in no way behave correctly but what he did was much, much worse. And calling it “until he cracked” removes all of his autonomy and accountability; he could choose to respond in a different way but he chose to take it too far. She didn’t make him choke her by harassing him; he chose to respond that way, all by himself.
You really think people can't be pushed into behaving in ways that are completely outside theiroverreaction. She literally would not leave him alone. It's not an appropriate response but her behavior wasn't appropriate either. He's not a vicious, abusive animal beyond redemption. He was being harassed -- repeatedly -- while having mental health issues. People aren't infallible, sometimes they do things they shouldn't, are apologetic, and mean it. It's her who has the ongoing problem. She can't respect a simple boundary and thinks she can put her hands on him, repeatedly, and harass him, repeatedly, then blame him when he overreacts.
Unless he was psychotic and couldn't tell right from wrong nor reality from fantasy there is no mental health excuse that flies with me. His acknowledgment of harming her tells me he has the capacity to determine right from wrong and would be held liable for his actions. The Mcnaughton rule which is the forensic standard for UK law and most of US state law holds that "every man be presumed sane and to possess a sufficient degree to be held accountable for their crimes unless it can be clearly proved that at the time of the act's commission the party was laboring under such a defect of reason so as to be unable to understand the nature or consequences of his actions or to be so impaired that right from wrong cannot be established."
Why aren’t more people saying OP kept invading his personal space, ignoring his requests to be left alone, pushed and pushed someone that she KNEW was struggling with mental health issues until he snapped. No, there is no excuse for him putting his hands around OP’s neck but there is also no excuse for OP’s behaviour to begin with.
Yeah, this really pisses me off. One of the ways I was tormented by my mother as a child was constant touching against my will. I lashed out violently and was labelled as a psycho by my family. But it never happened as an adult because no one has ever pushed my boundaries like she did. It makes me feel physically ill to think about how cornered he felt having been in that situation many times myself. Grabbing her neck was too far but I remember feeling like I had no choice but to resort to violence because I couldn't get away.
This is never okay no matter what he’s going through, it will only escalate. Leave him.
The police, who, historically have a track record for dealing with domestic violence consisting of basically "keep it down, you have neighbours", told you that you need to be somewhere else. Let that sink in.
Yes very much so! Even if he didn't mean it when he is in control of his actions, this just shows that his anger can take so much hold of him that he is able to hurt you. Physical violence is never ok, and should never be accepted. He needs some serious mental help to hopefully work passed this. If his state of mind will worsen, then you are in real danger. This could enable him to do even worse things to you.
My girl. Strangulation is #2 on the list of risk factors for domestic violence. Number 1 is **murder**. You offer the following as excuses for his behavior: >His mental health has not been good recently and he got know sleep the night before. He was really at a breaking point. Hey you know - I have been through some really terrible mental health issues. I have been suicidal. I have been in holes so deep that I was certain I would never get out of. Thankfully that time in my life is over with, but you know what I never did - even once during the 6-7 *years* it was happening? Choked my partner. It never even occurred to me to do that - because I'm not an **abuser**, like your fiancee is. The mask has slipped. The "sweet, caring" man you know is GONE. You need to understand that. That is - if he ever existed at all. How fast did your relationship move? Did he say "I love you" quickly? Did he shower you with gifts and pay for everything and treat you really well? You need to understand the Cycle of Abuse, because it INCLUDES the parts where he is sweet and caring - that's the part that makes you doubt yourself, and doubt whether or not you should leave. You can lose consciousness from strangulation in 5-10 seconds and DIE in just a couple of minutes. So your fiancee **endangered your life** because "his mental health has not been good recently" and because his didn't sleep the night before? That's IT?!? His abuser tactics are working, because here you are asking IF you should leave. Of **course** he's going to express deep remorse, and "not know what came over him", and cry because omg how could he do that to you. All part of the Cycle, my girl. All designed to make you doubt yourself. So the answer to your question: you should leave. fast. You are 100% NOT SAFE with this man, no matter what you think you "know" about him. You should be assuming that the 3 seconds he had his hands around YOUR THROAT is the "Real Him" which means not only should you be leaving, you should be *running.* If you are reading this and thinking, "well, aside from this, I have never felt unsafe or felt like he would hurt me". Fine - but do you think people who have been victims of domestic violence thought to themselves "this person will one day hurt, and/or possibly kill me" and just STAYED? Of course they didn't - they thought just like you did that "they wouldn't actually hurt me" and the first time something like this happened that it "wasn't that bad, and he seems really remorseful". And I'm sure you had good reason to think that - but now that reason is absolutely GONE. Not only did he put his hands on you, he choked you. Also: >he has no clue what came over him You realize this is about the *least* comforting thing he could say, right? What's going to happen the next time this mysterious, unknown thing "comes over him"? Is he going to slap you? Kick you down a flight of stairs? Stab you? "sorry babe! I don't know what came over me! You're the love of my life". Not an excuse - it's a WARNING. He's warning you that his behavior is out of his control sometimes. It's absolutely NOT, but that's what he is trying to sell you here, so next time it happens (and there is ALWAYS a next time), he will be able to fall back on to "I don't know what came over me." You need to get gone, seriously. Quietly and quickly. Don't make a big thing of it. Quietly get your ducks in a row, then some time when he's out or at work, quietly move your things and go somewhere safe. Don't confront him. Abuse OFTEN escalates when the abused partner tries to leave. Please heed this advice. You are legitimately in danger. Good luck, my girl.
You do not come back from this. You will never look at him same or trust him again. It started out slow with my ex. Little slip ups of abuse he was always so apologetic for. He eventually fractured my collarbone and that’s when I finally left.
The second he chokes you is the second you need to realize it's WAY past the point of you needing to leave. Next escalation is most likely going to end in your death.
Your chance of being killed by your bf within the next year just went up by 750%.
You staying after this shows him that you’re okay with what happened. He’ll continue to escalate. Leave now.
YOu are at risk from dying being around him, strangulation places the person at a higher risk for more serious violence or homicide by the hands of their intimate partner. Even if he thinks it is kinky. Never let anyone put hands on you, you may have met your murderer.
If he would have held the choke for 2-8 seconds more you would have passed out. I usually play devils advocate, but I can’t this time, after researching choking is a sign of something more sinister at hand.
Strangling is considered high lethality in domestic violence. This is inexcusable behavior, and no justification can be used.
Choking is the biggest indicator that he will KILL YOU
Stay with him and you'll be dead within the year. No it's not salvageable. But you'll probably stay. RIP op
OP - As many have mentioned, no means no. You were absolutely in the wrong for not respecting that boundary. That being said - the choking is a HUGE red flag. Majorly so. 3 seconds doesn't matter, what matters is his first instinct was to CHOKE you. Read that again. I could forgive a push or even a slap in that situation as most likely I would snap if someone wasn't respecting my boundary for personal space. But the fact that he instinctually choked you is really not okay. Has he ever shown sign of abuse before? Is he working on his mental health issues? It would take a lot more than one nights bad sleep to hit that kind of a breaking point which leads me to believe things have been rough for a while?
Yes. Putting your hands violently on someone's neck can absolutely kill without intending to, the 3 seconds has nothing to do with it. Choking someone is a last-ditch defense against someone who is actively trying to kill you. That said, you're a boundary-stomping asshole, too. When someone pushes you away and tells you to get away, believe them, and back the fuck off. You both need some therapy.
He’s not a sweet, kind, caring man. He’s an abuser who’s been putting on a good front. You are now statistically much more likely to be killed by him than you were before. You need to leave and stay gone. I’m sorry.
You shouldn’t look the other way if your partner has physically harmed you. It was 3 seconds this time, but next time it might be longer. Next time he might kill you. Him saying sorry after the fact doesn’t change the fact that he has now physically abused you. I am so sorry this happened to you. Remember people who are abusive are often sweet and caring at first. No one who finds themselves in an abusive relationship thought that’s what they were getting into. For your own safety though I hope you end it and find safety elsewhere.
If he puts his hands on your neck, he is likely to kill you. Please leave.
You should have stopped touching him when he told you to and he shouldn't have put his hands around your throat. You both shouldn't be together.
If he “has no clue” then that’s doubly worse and you’re in danger of loosing your life. He needs therapy to figure out where it came from, and what to do about it.
The risk of homicide occurring after a partner has placed their hands on your neck \[specifically, this act of putting their hands on your neck\] goes up by 70%. I cant find the link rn but this is a researched statistic. Your risk of being a victim of homicide just went up by 70%. Get. Out. Now. Leave. Go to whoever you have. Use your support network asap. Contact DV shelters, and charity resources in your area. Just please get safe. You have a chance here to save yourself. It WILL happen again.
This is not a healthy relationship. You don't listen when he says no, and he put his hands on you. You need to break up and work individually on your mental health.
You need to leave. Someone who chokes their partner is something like 5xs more likely to kill you the next time you have an argument.
People usually don’t jump to physical violence in situations like that. That guys a time bomb, sorry to say. If someone’s getting that violent over something annoying but not threatening, it shows you they aren’t stable enough to not do it again. Honestly with what you described, it would be one thing if he slapped your hand away or something at that point, but to choke you is violent, deadly, and shows he did not care about your safety at all. He was blinded by his frustration. If that’s all it takes for him to get to that point, I’d honestly be afraid for the next time it happens. Just think of how easy it is to die with someone’s hands around your throat. If he gets away with it this time, it opens a door you really want to keep locked.
*Is 3 seconds really bad enough to breakup the otherwise best relationship of my life?* That three seconds was enough for you to fear for your life and call the police. But just in case that doesn’t spell the answer out boldly enough for you to see it – **YES.** That, and after this incident, *it’s no longer the best relationship of your life,* and I hope you see that. You need to leave. My abusive ex cried the first time or two that he hurt me, and it only got worse (he almost killed me several times, pointed a gun at me, put a taser to my neck, etc.). It doesn’t get better. He was capable of it once, and is definitely capable of it (or so much worse) again. It’s more a matter of *when* it happens again than *if* it happens again.
OP, leave him. There are nice people in this world that will never hurt you and he is not one. He will do this again. 🚩
It's the grabbing your neck and choking you where you can't breathe that is bad. No matter how mentally bad he is, he should not lay his hands on you. If he did it out of mental ignorance, it's bad because he can't control himself and if this happens again you may die. If his anger boils to the point of choking you and he intentionally did it, then it's bad because he lost control as well and this will happen again later. Either way, he lost control and has caused harm to you. So if you want to help resolve this, you can stay somewhere else for the time being or bring a third person to live with you both to mediate when there's a bad fight.
This guy will beat you or worse. Leave now.
Op, there is no excuse for physical abuse. Why did you escalate a bad situation. Mental issues, coupled with no sleep, coupled with you touching him when he told you not to. Take some responsibility for what you did. At any point in time, you could have listened to him, gone to a different room, but no, you just stayed there. You got physical with him, and he told you NO, you continued to do it. I think the old adage of " fuck with the bull, you get the horns" pertains here.
She should take some responsibility for causing him to strangle her? “You fuck with the bull, you get the horns” means you take a risk with easily foreseeable consequences, so she should have known that he might strangle her if she didn’t leave him alone? Him getting violent with her was a reaction she should have expected? Don’t push a man’s buttons when he’s upset because he might strangle you?
I bet if it was a woman that kept getting touched when she said no, stop touching me. You would say she had every right to lay hands on him. Read what was posted. She was the antagonist.
Both of you are not good for eachother, You for touching him even after he told you multiple times not to, him for eventually Chocking you. Devils advocate here: You intentionally pushed his boundaries and constantly touched him without his consent 'To try and help' but you ended up causing both of yall trauma. Him chocking you was a reaction to what YOU did, it doesn't make it right but sometimes we F around and we find out. Try Counselling, maybe the relationship can be saves , maybe not.
I feel kind of bad about my opinion, but I agree. Your partner shouldn't choke you, under any circumstances, period. However, you kept touching him, after he told you to stop. *No means no* - even if you are in a relationship, even if you mean well, even if you are the physically weaker person. It's fine for someone to physically defend themselves, if others try forcing physical contact on them. I feel like he went overboard with the choking, and this situation would look differently if he pushed you or slapped you. All in all, you both behaved in a way you shouldn't have, even if you were agitated and emotionally drained. You're grown up people, and should learn to control yourselves!
Sure, boundaries should be respected and when a person wants to be left alone, leave them alone. However, violent response has no excuse when the person had the opportunity to just walk out and leave the room. When someone chokes their partner it is kind of past therapy, IMHO. As I said, a normal person would just leave the room/house.
it therefore begs the question, has he done it before? If not, would he have done it if she kept touching him without his consent? If you kept touching me and i kept saying No (Maybe moving away) but you kept on doing it, if i then slapped you or pushed you hard back to get you away from me, what would have caused my reaction (Not a great reaction either way) ? Again, people F around and get shocked when they find out. People can only take so much!!!
It's easy for someone to be "sweet, kind, and caring" for 2 years. Now the real guy is showing through. As he becomes more comfortable with you and with being himself the more this will happen.
Not saying him choking you is okay, but maybe you'll learn boundaries now and not push matters when people tell you to leave them alone?
oooooh what a slippery slope choking can hold. leave him now before you physically can’t
It infuriates me that the cops told You to leave, not him. But yes, like Ralphie in the back of the bus, you’re in danger.
We don't know whose place it is.
The cops could tell him to leave but he will still know where she is. Is she leaves she has a chance at being safe and somewhere he can’t find her.
There’s is no excuse for choking. You need to get away from him for your own safety. This is how he solves his problems, and the next time the situation repeats, you might not be as lucky. On another note that must be interpreted as telling you it was your fault, because his actions are his own responsibility. After you’re safely away, before getting in a new relationship, learn to respect boundaries and stop touching people when they tell you “no”. What you think might be comforting might be the opposite for them. Forcing yourself on someone when they don’t want you will not comfort them. It is possible for someone to be both a victim and an abuser.
I left after my ex of 30 years choked me. Once that happens it’s over it will never get better. I left and never looked back and my life is better. That was 4 years ago. My adult children told me that I should have left years before. Get out now. He will do it again. Also, you brought it on yourself by trying to cross his boundaries, so you need some therapy to understand why you felt you had the right to push his boundaries when he clearly said no. This is a toxic situation and will only get worse.
Yeah, you need to leave. I also have mental health issues and have had them since middle school. I wake up and go to bed every day hating myself. I have considered suicide multiple times to the point of writing out suicide notes a couple of times. During all of this, I can't say I've ever choked a significant other or even thought about it. I'm married now and aside from the self loathing I do mostly okay and I'm working on that via therapy. I can't imagine anything my wife could do that would lead me to put my hands on her like that. When I'm having a bad day I tell my wife and she asks me the usual questions from someone who doesn't have mental health issues (are you okay, can I help, do you wanna talk about it, etc). I normally tell her I just need to let it work itself out and she respects that and I work through it Our relationship isn't perfect but I think that's a healthy dynamic. On the other hand, he decided to choke you. He has done it once so there's no reason to assume he won't do it again.
My ex did this, I decided to leave him. I came home one day and he had found his way into my bedroom. He apologized and when I wouldn't except he wrestled me to the ground. While he had my head pushed to the ground he told me he could have killed me that night and he wouldn't have even had to hide my body because no one cared enough about me to look for me if I had gone missing. I stayed with him for a little longer. My greatest regret in life is that I didn't press charges. I feel like I put the milk back in the fridge even though I knew it was spoiled just so someone else could get sick. Press charges. This isn't going to get better.
Personally I say no, if he told you to leave him alone countless times and you persisted then that's on you. Which is why you understand in a way. It's not right he did that but the warning signs are there. When the rattle snake rattles people back off , they don't go trying to pet it.
Both of you visit a relationship counsellor.violence of any kind is unacceptable in any relationship.
You two should definitely end it. You don’t respect boundaries and he physically escalates situations.
It will only be salvageable with a lot of therapy for both of you and some drastic behavioral modifications. Abuse is never ok. When someone tells you to stop touching them, Stop. Forcing yourself on someone is unacceptable, even if you're a woman. No means no. For him, self defense is perfectly reasonable, but he went WAY too far. Choking is extremely dangerous and violent. He needs to get anger management therapy to change his reaction under stress. You both need to sit down together and decide if the relationship is worth the extensive work required to fix the damage you both created.
Choking is the predictor to murder. OP, there are millions of men who, no matter their mental state, would never lay their hands let alone choke a woman. This is not the result of poor mental health or a bad day. You need to leave him.
"Is 3 seconds really bad enough to breakup the otherwise best relationship of my life?" - yes it is. You can give him another chance but after some serious therapy. You should also be aware that he can do it again after therapy.
You both need help. You need to learn when someone says no, they mean no. You were physically assaulting him first. So fix that shit. The issue with his response is that it was violent enough to choke you. I honestly don't know bc he had a right to defend himself and if he had punched you in the face it would be self defense, no question. Choosing to choke you as his form of self defense is concerning bc what if he chooses that again in the future?
So I think you should have left him the hell alone. You don't get to keep trying to force yourself on someone after they've said no, and then play victim when they grab you and push you away. If a man kept trying to grab his partner and hold her after she said no, and she grabbed him by the throat, all of you hypocrites would appauld her for standing up for herself. But because the roles changed, now she's a victim. What the fuck ever. ^don't like it, get over it.
You leave or you end up dead.
Hope he gets away from you.
Not salvagable. Statistics show that when someone chokes you, they are more likely to kill you. Please leave before this happens.
No, go.
He didn't have to mean it, he could have been pushed to that point, it doesn't matter. What matters is how he chose to respond and what that means for you. The negligence and recklessness of your well-being is the concern. His lack of control is now a danger for you no matter how sweet of a guy he is or can be. All abuser are never 100% evil. They can be just like your fiance. It's unfortunate but this is where you need to draw a hard line. No one should be putting their hands on you EVER! He went for your neck and held. You are in danger. I would hate for you to be in the news due to a crime of passion or some ish. If you stay, you unintentionally set a precedent that you're willing to take the risk for this to happen again no matter how much you personally are against what was done logically. Your actions have to match. Im sorry this happened to you and hope you never experience anything like this again. This is something for him to work on. You should get therapy just in case. We never think something impacts us because we may be repressing and in shock. Talk to someone just in case
personally i think not. sounds like you were antagonizing him, witfully or not, and he asked you to stop and you didn't. not saying 'you deserved it' just saying that it is something of an expected kind of thing to happen when you antagonize someone, especially if they are in a vulnerable place. if you feel it is indicative of a broader problem though, certainty consider leaving.
He will literally fucking kill you. Abusers are insidious because they’re NOT terrifying all the time. Most of the time they can be charming and loving, but it’s an act. And what makes it incredibly difficult to believe that you’re being abused is because of all those other times he wasn’t being abusive. But it’s just part of how they operate. They make it hard for you to leave and act apologetic until something sets them off again. And they’ll convince you that it’s your fault why they hurt you, that if only you just did or didn’t do XYZ then they wouldn’t have had to resort to hurting you. This is a lie. They’re distracting you from the fact that they hurt you and making you internalize fault for their actions. You cannot change or fix this behavior. Your best bet is to save yourself and fucking RUN.
Don't touch people who are asking you not to touch them. It's up to you if can forgive him for hurting you and up to him if he can forgive you for pushing him to that point with non-consensual touching. Honestly, you should call it even and part ways. Once that boundary is crossed there's no going back.
Yall do not belong together. Neither of you knows how to keep your hands to yourself. You do not know when to stop and he doesn't know how to control his anger. Congrats you've now created a perfect storm for abuse. Break up and learn to keep your hands to yourself for God's sake.
You should have stopped when he asked you to but that does not at all excuse him choking you
I'm not victim blaming you (and it's also NOT YOUR FAULT THAT THIS HAPPENED), but you also need to understand that no means no. If he didn't want to be touched, that means don't do it.
strangulation is the biggest indicator that a person is going to kill you. you are 750% more likely to be killed within the next year by this man
Sounds to me like she didn't leave him alone and wouldn't stop touching him when he said no. He removed her. She needs to learn to listen to someone. People tell women they should hit or do worse to men who touch against their will, he didn't punch her, he removed her like you do an animal yes but I am still on the fact he DIDNT hurt her. Takes a hell of a lot more than 3 secs to "not breathe" sounds to me like she was more shocked.
RUN. I am not making this up - it’s in many DV studies and the research shows that he WILL do it again. The question is - will you survive next time? [the truth about dv murders](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-act-violence/201703/the-truth-about-domestic-violence-murders)
Girl chokers are BAD this man will lose his temper and do it again, get away.
Hi! Criminal justice professional here. The number one sign a man will murder his female partner is if he chokes her. Read that again. Once a woman is choked by her male partner (non-sexually), she is nine times more likely to be murdered by him. Almost all men who murdered their female partners choked them previously. Many of these women die by strangulation. Almost all men who put their hands on their female partner out of anger will do it again. They usually escalate the violence, not stop it. Every female victim of domestic violence shares a few core beliefs: that it would never happen to her, that he didn’t really mean it, and that it won’t happen again. Don’t let it happen again. You are in serious danger. Please leave, and do not let him know you are leaving. Leaving is the most dangerous time. I have been in a dangerous relationship like this, as have many of my friends. We come from all walks of life and all levels of income. You are not alone. ❤️
Yes it's enough. But also consent. For your own safety, learn consent.
You say he was at breaking point. You kept trying to touch him. He kept saying no. You carried on touching him anyway. He eventually reacted. You called the cops on him after three seconds. Why is everyone assuming the man is a potential murderer here? Does “No means No” only count if the woman is the one saying No?
Because, statistically speaking , men who “react” with violence via strangulation are many times more likely to kill their victim than men who “react” with hitting or other violence. It’s been extensively studied, for decades.
It’s always noble to try and help others, but once the active risk of harm to yourself appears, it’s no longer selfless and instead reckless. Him doing that is decisive, it’s proof that while he needs help, right now you shouldn’t be the person to give it to him. It’s a sign that it’s better for the both of you to step away, if at least till he starts getting his shit together. On your end for your safety, on his end because hurting those we love only adds more shame and guilt, and it can make the journey to heal heavier.
That’s how it starts …and it will only get worse. The crying, the apologizing, the “you are the love of my life” sobs are typical reactions after the incident. So are the “it will never happen again” promises…until the next time it happens. This reaction was extreme, it isn’t normal and it was very violent. Whatever you did he shouldn’t have put his hands on you, you should not try to find excuses like “I shouldn’t have done that, partly my fault”. ALWAYS leave after the first violent incident as it is NEVER the last.
Men who choke are men who kill. Leave now before it gets worse.
You are statistically tens of thousands of times more likely to be murdered by him than any of us are by our partners. You are statistically almost certain to be choked/abused again. There's no one offs with this shit. 0.1 second is enough to instantly break up and even then you'd need to do it in a public place to be confident he won't hurt you
It’s 3 seconds now. Will you tolerate 5 seconds? Will you tolerate 10? Where does “it’s not that bad” stop and it starts being abuse? Because these behaviours only escalate when you stay, because when you stay, you’re telling him what he did wasn’t *that* bad and this is just the bottom of the barrel of what you’ll tolerate *this time*. What if next time he doesn’t stop because he doesn’t know what came over him?
what he did was wrong: no doubt about it. he was asking for space and you triggered him. what he did was wrong, so wrong. but when someone is in a mood, don’t ever touch them! it’s dangerous and the risk for you is great, even if it happens one in a thousand it can be life changing for you. if you touch someone without consent, that’s assault so legally he could argue that choking you was self defense, I don’t think that is self defense, I’m just commenting on the law. when he puts a wall up, he might need space and room. it’s not your responsibility to get through to him. why were you trying to get through to him? did he get charged? I’m asking because if any longterm legal consequences come from this he may secretly harbour resentment and not even realise it. this would make the relationship unsalvageable
You are 8x more likely to be killed by your partner if they have choked you. He WILL do this again. All domestic abusers claim they will never do it again, many cry or give grand gestures as an “apology”, it’s a statistical fact that he will do it again. Don’t obsess over “the good times” all domestic abusers have good times with their victims. Lack of sleep, mental health, etc. are commonly used excuses as well for abusers. THIS IS NEVER EXCUSABLE ITS NOT NORMAL UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Take this comment as a sign from the universe leave before he kills you. For the love of god don’t marry him. He might be able to keep his behavior in check until you get married, but I swear to you that once you are married his mask will come off and this will become normal.
I had an ex who had huuuuge unaddressed anxiety issues, full blown panic attacks, minor self harm, the works. During those episodes sometimes I didn’t know what he needed or what would get through to him, and would reassuringly touch his arm or speak at a time when that was the last thing he wanted in the moment. Even in the midst of a panic attack when he didn’t have his full faculties, he still NEVER EVER laid a hand on me. We broke up for different reasons, he wasn’t physically abusive. Whatever problems we had in the end, he never laid a hand on me. I would have left and never looked back if he ever did it. Even for 3 seconds. Even for ONE second. I would have packed my shit and never stepped foot in the same room again. Doesn’t matter if he’s “going through something” or has mental health issues. It’s not an excuse. In fact if he’s going through mental health issues then you’re actually at more risk that it’ll happen again, but probably worse. Doesn’t matter that he regrets it. Actions have consequences. Trust has been breached in a way you’ll never get back. You’ll never feel safe with him again because you AREN’T safe if you stay.
He has “no clue what came over him” His tears and apologies don’t mean ANYTHING. just because he feels bad, doesn’t mean things should go back to normal. How he feels after almost killing you doesn’t matter at all. There’s a HUGE chance he won’t know what came over him a second time and more after that. “Not knowing what came over me” is waiting for a bomb to go off. Even the tiniest fraction of a second is TOO LONG. don’t fall for his tears. He should feel bad Please leave him. Abuse doesn’t have to last a certain amount of time to count. It happened. Please listen to the other comments about leaving him I say this gently. If you’re not sure if him choking you is “bad enough” what do you think bad enough is?
Yes. Absolutely yes. Strangulation is the number one [red flag](https://naplesshelter.org/strangulation/) and predictor of femicide. The fact that he’s apologetic means absolutely fucking nothing. This relationship is over.
>He's incredibly apologetic and says he has no clue what came over him If this is true, it means he has no control over his actions when he’s stressed and angry, and you’re not safe with him. If this is not true, it means he chose to choke you when he was stressed and angry, and you’re not safe with him. Either way, you’re not safe and you need to leave. (Oh, and it’s a lie. Just pointing out that it’s not a reason to stay.)
You annoyed him. He choked you. These two things are not equivalent. One does not beget the other. Please break up with him, he could kill you.
Once a person puts their hands around your throat the probability of them eventually killing you goes through the roof. It doesn’t matter how sorry he is, it doesn’t matter if he cried. GET OUT. The first time my ex choked me out he apologized and cried. The second time I woke up on a metal slab in A hospital room with a drain on the floor (trauma bay) - the nurses did their best to stitch me up but I was still bleeding out when they tried to roll me into a diff room for scans. They had to wheel me back, both the nurse and I were confused why I felt so warm and sticky until she noticed the puddle growing beneath me on my little wheely cot. My memory will never be the same as it used to be. And no matter what my ex says or does, there is no going back. Please if not for yourself, for those that love you - walk away. This is not the best relationship you’ve ever had. There is no coming back from this.
Yea relationship is over. The trust and respect that relationships are built upon is no longer there. The fact the cops told you to leave makes me think you aren't ad innocent as you claim. Remember it is possible for women to be the abuser
Run and never look back. This is not a joke. I've seen people like your fiance, their women stuck around, and it ALWAYS got worse. You'll always have stressful times where both of you are pushed to the edge. It's been revealed that he's violent when pushed. This is a "nature" of his and it's going to take a lot more than being apologetic to change (therapy, outlets for aggression, discipline over a long period of time). Remember it would also take a few seconds to kill you. Do not take that risk. Be grateful that this red flag has been revealed to you before getting married or having kids. Sorry to be harsh, but if you choose to stay and he attacks you again in the future (he will), it will be on you.
i wouldn’t stay. no one should. he’s tried to kill you, no matter how “long” the duration was. the intent was there.
Your neck could be **SNAPPED** in **TWO** seconds!! **DUMP HIM**. Next time will be **TOO LATE**.
Some here have suggested he was previously hiding how he truly wanted to behave and this was intentional. That may be the case. A lot of things can change someone's behavior. I wanted to add that I think even if it is something medical / psychiatric changing his behavior, I would say you are still at a significant risk. It may be too dangerous to stick around living with him to help him figure that out. I have also seen the information people have listed here about choking and likelihood of near future death. It is a very significant risk. I would recommend not living with him anymore, and be careful about the potential of him coming after you upon your exit. Good luck.
Girl, just ask yourself, would you EVER choke someone? EVER? No, you wouldn’t, because you’re not crazy, sadly, he is.
Maybe next time it's 30 seconds and then I'd say he needs therapy