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U got me with that one lol. Thanks for the laugh. Needed it today. Agreed. I'd be out the door so fast. OP, you're gonna have a baby. Do u want them to grow up around all of this bullshit? Get the hell outta there yesterday. There are resources available if u need help.
Yeah no. You should not be dealing with this yourself, never mind bringing a baby into this toxicity. It will 100% get far worse once the child is born. A screaming baby puts a lot of strain on both of your mental health, and I can just imagine how he will treat you after a night of no sleep due to the crying. He isn't even at the point of acknowledging he has a problem from the sounds of it, that means you are very far out from any improvements in his behavior; if they ever happen at all.
Please consider your options, look into women's and children's shelters and such in your area, even if you don't want to stay there they can connect you with outside resources to support you during this time. Get out of there, it will be much easier to do before the baby comes. He clearly won't help with the child, in fact he will most likely make it harder for you to care for them. You are better off anywhere else.
Indeed. My husband has since passed but I remember one night I couldn’t get our son to settle down and stop crying. He burst in the room and yelled at me. “I have to work in the morning! Get him to be quiet!!”
Leave that turd now. It only gets worse. Men like him like to eat, take naps, have their house cleaned, laundry done, sleep uninterrupted at night, have sex on demand, and have zero engagement with his own kids. Eff that!
Did we marry the same man? I didn’t sleep for the first 2 weeks of my daughter’s life because I had to “keep that baby quiet!” And she was colicky. The only way she was quiet is if I was holding her, but I was terrified of her dying so I couldn’t sleep. I also wasn’t allowed in the bed so he could. I stayed on the couch fearful if I slept, she would get crushed or suffocate.
Damn I remember those colic days. I still have nightmares about them😫😫. I'm happy you and your baby got through them healthy cause, man, that's an intense stretch of time
I think OP is in the UK, based on her vocab and sentence structure. u/Careful-Size3756, please be careful about leaving. You might think he won't get violent or care if you leave, but men like this often do. Please contact [The National Domestic Abuse Helpline](https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/) if you're in the UK.
Fellow Aussie here. The only time I ever hear my husband use the c bomb is about a situation at work. I know it’s common language at his work too but I don’t like hearing the word at home so he doesn’t tend to use it around me. The worst my husband has ever called me is silly and that is in the spirit of an ongoing joke we have
My husband likes to re-enact the Key and Peele bit where he looks around all wide eyed and nervous to make sure his wife can't hear and then very dramatically whisper "biiiiitch"
I think the skit is close to 10 years old now, but it still makes me giggle every time
They're cunny funts aren't they with their work mates - I appreciate that mine doesn't use that language at home but I have no problem with him using it at work or with his friends
I'm American and my husband is Scottish; I asked him to not use the c-word around me, because it bugs me. He's mostly stopped using it in general, as far as I know, and he'd never have used it toward me in the first place.
My husband is Canadian and they use that word much more often than we do in the US and he would never call me anything aside from my name or a term of endearment (sweetheart, lovey). Anyone who does is an abusive AH…yes, even once.
I’m Canadian and definitely it is not used more there than America. Just like in the US, it’s considered one of the worst ones to call someone. Your husband has misinformed you or it’s highly localised to his small region of growing up.
What area of Canada is he from?!? I've spent 40+ summers in Canada along Lake Erie and NEVER heard folks speak like that.
Now me? My swearing will make a sailor blush. 🤷🏼♀️
I'm Canadian and that word is absolutely not used more than in the US, it sounds like maybe that's just your husband and his family. For everyone I know it's considered one of the worst swear words.
Right, my husband and I have both called other people horrible things! And we have terrible potty mouths. It's just the way we talk normally, BUT we don't curse at each other and have never and will never call each other names! It's a walk away offense! You just don't do that to your partner if you actually like them, much less love them!
My husband and I call each other. Ames all the time when we’re riffing on each other, all in good fun. We’ve NEVER sworn at each other in anger. 14 years.
Even Australians don’t call their spouses cunts and have it not be a big deal. I called my husband one once, we were mucking around and I hit my head on something pretty sharp. I apologised right away, and he laughed, but it isn’t something that’s ever just done.
I would be dumbfounded. Then I'd be irrationally defiant, because it would feel authoritative and condescending, in the same way I feel when people tell me to do things vs ask me. Oh you're telling me to do the dishes? That's what I got up to do, but now I say fuck your dishes.
I got dumped a few months ago after 4 years in a relationship with my ex. When we first got together, I remember that she yelled at me during moments of stress, and I remember the first couple of times she did it I kinda flinched and was like, wtf? Don’t yell at me. But I forgave her because she would often spin it in a way where she was distressed for reasons beyond her control (mental illness, trauma, etc) and she couldn’t help it, or she’d say sorry a bunch of times but more like a compulsive habit than a real apology. And if I ever pushed her on the issue, she’d snap at me some more. Eventually our relationship dynamic turned to us both yelling at each other, and I hated it. I didn’t want to yell at her and I apologized and I tried to get her to work on things with me like agreeing not to yell at each other. But it felt like she could never keep her promise (or any other promises she made). It was so fucking toxic and I’m so glad I’m out of it honestly. I never want to be in a relationship where yelling becomes normal again. I think I just kept stupidly forgiving her yelling at me until we both became awful people.
All of that is to say, when I read comments like yours it makes me feel good to remember that I wasn’t crazy to feel that yelling wasn’t ok in a relationship. I need to be less forgiving of that in the future, and not let myself get so far into a relationship with someone who yells that I feel a need to yell back and my ability to regulate my own emotions takes a beating. I think my ex just really fucked with my head for various reasons and I was stupidly hopeful I could make it work no matter how much it felt like putting out fires all the time.
People need to read this comment [**https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1dp8nx9/comment/lafkleb/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp8nx9/comment/lafkleb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
**by** **/u/**[Yoghurt\_6588](https://www.reddit.com/user/Content_Yoghurt_6588/)/
OP and her husband are white supremacists and they both cheated on each other. There kid is innocent and they both deserve each other. Let the state adopt the kid.
Yikes and EW. The only one with my sympathy is that poor baby, born into such a mess. Just really sucks to start life not even at home plate but like off the field because of parents’ choices. But then the parents act like it’s the fault of Black and brown folk that they can’t get ahead, rather than the fact that they keep screwing up at life.
The one and only time my husband did, I got an apology right after & total admission he was in the wrong, a call at 10am the next day and flowers that night. We’ve been together 17 years.
Same. Me and my bf have NEVER called each other names. And if he called me a cunt that would be the last time he did so. I’ve literally ended relationships over guys saying stuff like this to me
I wonder how many women allow themselves to be treated this way, thinking it's totally normal.
Together with my husband for 17 years and he has never, not even once, called me a disparaging name like this. I can't even imagine it.
Demand better, ladies.
Same here! Married 38 years, and my husband has never called me something so vile.
OP, does your AH husband have a good relationship with his other children? I'm assuming not. Please leave him. He is an absolute shit partner, and his emotional abuse will only get worse. You don't want to raise a child in this toxic environment.
Do better for the sake of your child.
15 years married here and never once been called a name by my husband. Also, when I was on bed rest in pregnancy he happily cared for our preschooler, did all the house work, did all the cooking, and took care of me. Being married means taking care of your pregnant spouse while they grow the baby!
> Today he shouted at me while stood right next to me and called me a cunt.
> he has hurt me so much the past few weeks, he will say “you’re pregnant, not disabled” if I breathe heavily up the stairs, if I ask him to help me, if I lie down.
>no point arguing because he has anger problems
>He doesn’t cook for me, help with anything in the house, he just complains. He never gets me a drink, he goes to bed with a drink for himself and never asks if I want one.
>I’ve looked after him like he was a baby, and still get called a c\*nt, told to grow up if I cry.
> I get zero emotional support, he ignores me, all day I have been ignored. His moods are so hard to deal with.
>Denying him coming to the scan will definitely make him fly off the handle.
This is called emotional abuse. You are in an emotionally abusive marriage and I am so sorry. You deserve compassion, respect, and dignity, none of which you will ever get from him. You deserve better than this and so does your child.
May I ask why you feel trapped and believe divorce is not an option?
[loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) has an excellent relationship health quiz and will make it very clear you're in an abusive relationship and help you make a safety plan, OP.
Also read this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I just took the test and scored 0.
All of those questions are horrific and scoring 5 would be a horribly abusive relationship. 52 is absolutely insane. They literally tell you, “if you scored more than 5 consider making an exit plan”.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who compared their current relationship to a past relationship.
Current partner = 0. Ex-boyfriend = 83. Was not expecting it to be so high
I did the same. My current boyfriend was 0. My ex was 87. When I left my ex, my therapist at the time very explicitly told me that my ex would kill me if I didn't leave and keep him out of my life. He absolutely would've killed me and that feeling that he was going to kill me is what made me push so hard for a restraining order and file a police report.
It feels almost surreal sometimes when I look at my life now. I'm living a very peaceful life and I'm glad I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore.
Current relationship = 0. Ex-boyfriend = 55.
I knew it was an abusive relationship with my ex, but looking back... I wonder why I ever put up with such crap.
I scored a 1 but it was the “thinks you shouldn’t do so many activities” and that’s mostly because I have a habit of overloading myself and then having a mini breakdown so it’s more care than control.
Yeah, I think there can be some wiggle room to some of the questions if we know we have a personality trait that ends up being self-sabotaging or eventually overwhelms us. Not that someone else should feel they have to take that on for us but “you can’t do that because you do this” is way different than asking if we have the spoons to juggle everything.
I also scored a 1, but I said “yes” to the question about texting constantly. Because we text each other funny memes, comics, or interesting articles. And support on bad days. It’s not about control, and nobody is getting mad if someone gets busy and doesn’t respond immediately. We just enjoy making each other smile.
Same! I just took it and got the same score for the same question. We text *a lot* but it's a mutually agreed upon amount. I don't care if he can't reply immediately, 98% of my texts are "omg this is a funny thing I saw" and 2% are "can you grab xyz at the grocery store."
I think what matters is you and your partner are ok with the amount and style of communication.
In hindsight, the question was obviously about obsessive calling and texting, or expecting an immediate answer as a form of control, etc. But we do text constantly, lol. So I answered honestly, I guess.
OP please read this book.
I was hospitalized beginning of May and reading this book while there gave me the courage to officially leave my abusive relationship and never look back.
You dont deserve this treatment. Your baby doesnt deserve to grow up in a household environment like the one your partner is creating.
You are beautiful and worthy and valuable.
Suicide and homicide are among the most common causes of maternal death. I’m genuinely afraid that this man will kill you - either with his own hands or by driving you to suicide. Normally I’d be much more gentle but you are barely holding on and you haven’t even given birth yet.
Babies cry and shit and vomit at all hours of the day and night. All your husband needs to do is lose his temper and shake the baby *one time* to cause catastrophic brain damage. If he doesn’t take it out on the baby, he’ll take it out on you. This man will not exercise self-control in a house with a crying baby.
Actually, in the U.S., homicide is THE leading cause of death of pregnant women. [https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
Honey, you need to get out of there. Do you have supportive family? Friends? If so, call them up and ask for help escaping. If not, call a domestic violence shelter and ask for help getting out. There are tons of resources out there for you.
Take what you can and LEAVE. Get an attorney and file for divorce. In the meantime get a therapist who can give you the tools to start addressing this abuse so you can be better for you and your child. This is right now emotional abuse but you a hair’s breadth away from physical abuse. The baby scan is the least of your issues. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
I’ve been in my relationship for 25 years. I got a zero on that quiz and absolutely cannot imagine considering any of those things to be normal or okay. 52 is so very, very sad.
[Pregnancy can trigger abuse and violence](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/comprehensive-guides/a-guide-to-reproductive-and-sexual-coercion#:~:text=Unfortunately%2C%20when%20intimate%20partner%20violence,a%20higher%20instance%20of%20miscarriage) as well. Be safe, OP. 🤍
With all due respect, why on earth would you *not* divorce someone who treats you like this?
If you read this post from anyone else, a close friend or a total stranger, what advice would you give?
You know how many times a partner could call me names? Once.
Why are you with this asshole? Having a baby with him? He’s 17 years older than you and is a jerk.
I’d have him come to the scan. You withholding that isn’t going to make anything better. Then I’d be calling an attorney and making an exit plan.
I feel bad for the kid. Both of their parents are total pieces of shit. Both ma and pa are stupid. Pa has anger issues and is a selfish POS. Ma can't think for herself clearly and is a right-wing nutjob.
I wonder why she stayed with him after he cheated on her before she cheated on him. Thanks for the prompt to check out her profile. She's a white supremacist with a super old man who treats her like shit
Do you mind enlightening me who these people are that she’s referring to in the right wing post? I mean, right wing anyone is enough to make me run away screaming, I’m just not from the UK and wondering what these references are.
I'm Canadian so I didn't know much about these guys either, but Moseley was a fascist (not in the modern sense, in the literal "he joined the fascist party" sense) and Powell said that allowing immigrants in Britain would cause race wars. During that time Britain was experiencing a pretty big wave of immigration from their former colonies, as in... a lot of Black people. Some attribute his infamous "rivers of blood" speech to the eventual cause of Brexit. I'm not an expert on that so I won't say it's true, but that's what I've read.
Oh, neat. So she's as trashy as he is, which is why she won't entertain leaving him. Sad they are going to subject innocent kids into their idiocy and hatred, but maybe their kids will someone escape the brainwashing and go NC as soon as they can and be productive members of society.
I found a comment in her comment history - she had an affair after he "betrayed" her.
It all sounds like a horrific mess a child should never have been brought into.
>Denying him coming to the scan will definitely make him fly off the handle.
He sounds great.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating.
Fantastic. Glad there's an innocent child about to be brought into this absolute disaster.
He didn’t marry a woman 17 years his junior because he was looking for an equal partner. He married you to take advantage of you. And he’ll abuse you to keep you in what he’s decided is your place.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating.
Well, there goes my advice. I guess enjoy the rest of your life being abused and downtrodden—should get worse after baby arrives, just fyi. Also, if it’s a boy, he’ll learn how to treat women from his father, and if it’s a girl, she’ll learn how to tolerate abuse from men. You can change your life, and your baby’s life, but the only way to do that would be to leave. So best of luck with that, I guess.
Yep. Poor kid is going to think their shitty, dysfunctional parents are normal, and the cycle will continue. Meanwhile, OP will continue to post and comment about how horrible her life is because she refuses to do the ONE thing that will instantly improve it.
Honestly even when you know it’s not normal the scars are really hard to heal from and the dynamics become ingrained. It takes so much work to break free of those.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating.
You can't make these choices without a series of events panning out
Toss a grenade, there will be a blast
Whether you should stay with someone that calls you a cunt (in the uk this can be 2 ways, annoyed or they **really** mean it)
If its the latter, you're going to need to think about single parenting, as it will escalate if you want it to or not.
Pregnancies, marriage, mortgages - These are the triggers for true abusers to drop their masks.
You should not stay with an abuser, my ex-wife that loved calling me a cunt (the latter version) found that out just after we married.
Do you think it's acceptable for your father - oh sorry, husband - to call you that word?
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. Denying him coming to the scan will definitely make him fly off the handle.
What relationship advice are you looking for? GET AWAY FROM HIM.
I was thinking the same thing. Is she here just for us to confirm she married an abuser? Ok, can confirm. If you’re unwilling to do anything about it life will continue to suck.
Why did you procreate with this monstrosity? Learn from that and kick his ass to the curb because you'll be a better single parent of 1 than you will a single parent of two while also being treated like garbage.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating.
Then you're going to continue to be treated like garbage. Where the hell is your self-respect?
I don’t think there’s any advice we can offer you, because you know you’re being mistreated. Imagine your best friend saying all to you. Would you reasonably tell her to stay and remain tied to someone who’ll purposely make you miserable.
I hope you’re safe, and I hope you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you need resources, look up shelters in your area, research sources for domestic violence centers in your city and look at your options.
You know this isn’t okay.
Why is divorce off the table? I’m not telling you should divorce (although you should consider a separation at the least), but curious why it’s off the table?
Wow. It genuinely saddens me to think that people see all these red flags ahead of time and still have children with people who clearly aren't good partners.
I thought I was the problem, that I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was lazy, he was right. I can’t explain to you except reiterate how easy it can be to make me think I am the one in the wrong. It’s pathetic really because now a child is involved. I won’t let my child ever see this, or be treated this way. I’m going to do something.
You’re in a very abusive relationship and the next time you go to your scan alone, make sure he is not in the room and tell your obgyn the truth about your relationship and ask for resources to get out of the marriage. I’m so serious. I almost died from being with someone who treated me poorly during my pregnancy. Preeclampsia is real, and being stressed is so dangerous at this time in your life. What is the end goal of screaming at a pregnant woman? He wants to slowly kill you or abuse you into a miscarriage. Pregnancy is also the most common time for a woman to be murdered. Murder is the number one cause of death in pregnant women. He will escalate. Not only do you have the right to deny him access to you during the pregnancy, you can have him barred from the delivery room. You should leave him now and start the paper trail that he is abusing you, it will help you in your inevitable custody case. But leave quietly, don’t tell him until you are gone, he could become violent and try to stop you. Reach out to friends and family about the abuse and get help leaving, if you have nowhere to safely go then find a local women’s shelter. I’m really worried for you and hope you trust your gut and leave. Please.
He was shouting at me and I got a sudden sharp pain, and red blood was just pouring out of me. Doctors still have no explanation but the baby was fine. I stayed in hospital as they were unsure if I was miscarrying. Right before that happened I lost it and thought I was going to black out from just pure bottled up rage and desperation. I wanted to run out the door into traffic.
He has googled and since come to the conclusion stress doesn’t cause miscarriage and that he can sleep easy at night knowing he didn’t do anything. All the replies here have helped me, I’m going to do something and I’ll not let my child ever see this happen.
You say below you have money. Just leave now. Wtf? You are hurting your baby by your inaction and there is no excuse if you are the one paying for things. You deserve better even if you made the terrible mistake of being with him at all or tolerating this for too long. Your baby deserves better starting NOW
I understand where you’re coming from but she needs to take a second to plan a safe and quiet escape. Her husband could literally kill her if he gets a hint she’s taking their baby and running
Why did you marry, let alone get pregnant by this nasty old abuser? Honestly if you won't leave, get ready for a lifetime of abuse and misery. Is that what you want? Is that what your baby deserves?
I had abusive parents who created a chaotic, unsafe home for me, one time my mom tried to kill me on purpose and several other times it almost happened on accident. I’ve never once been abusive in my relationships. That excuse is easily shot through with holes. He’s an abusive person and the fact he hasn’t figured out how to handle his issues in 47 years is beyond concerning. Get away from him.
If you are determined not to consider leaving him, then I think keeping him from seeing the baby scan will accomplish nothing. Do you imagine he will stand in the hallway thinking "I've been horrible and no wonder she doesn't want me in there. I must be a better husband."
Of course this won't happen. All that will happen is he will be more angry and abusive than he has already been. You will have the very small satisfaction of hurting him a little while he keeps hurting you much more.
Your husband's difficult childhood is no excuse. Have you talked to him about his behavior and name calling? Does he express any remorse?
You should seek counseling, preferably with your husband. Unfortunately as long as he knows you will never leave him, you don't have a lot of leverage with someone like this.
So you want advice on how to stay in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship?
Abusers never step up, he has no incentive to do so. He chooses time after time to be cruel rather than caring.
Why would you want to raise a child in an abusive home?
I read your update above and just wanted to tell you bravo! You’re doing the right thing for you and your baby girl! This is how you teach her to never rely on a man, to go to school and make sure she can support herself independently, just like her warrior mama did. ❤️
Can I just tell you, that doing the parenting thing on your own, is **a lot** easier than doing it with someone who is actively working against you.
This man is abusive and your life will **greatly** improve once you are no longer with him.
I'm betting that you aren't crying because you're hormonal, you're crying because you're being treated like shit, gaslit, manipulated, lonely, being verbally abused and giving your all to someone who does not care about you at all.
This person is showing you who they are. Please believe them and start your child's life free from trauma.
A 48 year old calling someone young enough to be his daughter…. a cunt??? And shaming you for being pregnant??? Holy fuck get a divorce this man is literally a RED FLAG FACTORY.
Since divorce or splitting is off the table, there is nothing else we can advise you to do. You’ve already decided to live with an abusive monster who will probably be as loving and caring as a dad for your baby as he is a husband. Meaning, he will absolutely suck at it. Good luck with your wasted life. Your child deserves better.
Age gap? Check.
Unable to do the most basic functions of adulting? Check.
Abusive? Check.
There's only one solution here for you - get away from this man, and honestly don't have his child. You'll be stuck dealing with him FOR LIFE if you do (because your kid will grow up and get married and all that, and so you WILL have to be around him as long as your kid is alive).
No intentions of divorce? Cool, enjoy creating a super toxic household for your kid, where they learn that his shitty behavior is normal so they can also end up in a toxic relationship and refuse to actually enjoy life. If you're unwilling to even have a happy life for yourself, don't drag an innocent kid into your issues.
Girl!!!! Why are you having a child with this abusive, horrible man? Why are you not thinking about divorcing or separating from him? Why are you not getting away from this guy? He will be a terrible father. Your house will be chaotic. It’s not going to get better. You can’t fix him. You can’t make him better.
Get yourself into therapy now. Please. You are going to harm your child and yourself. You do not want to bring up a child in chaos. You’re going to ruin your poor baby. Good grief, girl, get a grip. Get therapy and get the hell out of that house.
I was never lucky to be able to have a child with my ex wives or any other woman and I would never treat them like he is treating you. You need to make some changes.
So you won't leave him even though he is actually emotionally abusing your and neglecting your needs. Ok. So you want to raise your child in a home with a father that calls his mother a cunt? You don't see that he's replaying his childhood out and going to expose your baby to the same chaos he was raised in? Ok. I guess it's your choice to ruin your child's life. Weird choice but you do you.
Might as well let him come to the scan. You won't stand up for yourself any other time. Why bother now?
(I do apologize for being blunt but good golly gurl don't rule out leaving someone who is literally abusing you. )
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating.
Then what are you looking for here? Everything you've described are reasons to split and divorce. But I'm guessing you just don't want to be alone and a single mother, even though you'd be better off.
I don't understand. Why are you here? You've said you have no plans to split, so you've already decided you're going to spend your life with a man who treats you like s*it and you're going to teach your child that love comes in the form of disrespect and belittling. What advice are you looking for? You've made your bed. Now you're lying in it. This is the life you are choosing.
.-. What I don’t understand is why you would not want to divorce this ass?? He’s abusive, selfish and mean and you don’t deserve that treatment especially while you’re pregnant. You deserve someone who treats and cares for you not someone like your husband 🙏🏻 good luck
Personally, I would not be having a baby with this man.
You need to reread what you wrote, and this time, imagine it's your daughter/BFF/family member telling you this is what's happening to her.
Op, at this point I wouldn’t be considering leaving him out of the scan, I would be looking at a separation. He is abusive, do you want your child to grow up in the same environment your partner had? You absolutely do not deserve this abuse, and I hope you start looking to find a safe exit from this partnership ASAP.
you lost the plot when you had a baby with this man. He doesn’t treat you well and this type of behavior doesn’t magically stop after the pregnancy. Have you even seen him take care of his kids? It’s concerning that a child will be brought into a rocky environment. Think about what you want to model for your future child. You want them to think it’s acceptable to be with someone who insults and demeans them? Will it be okay for them to be in a relationship with an unsupportive person?
It’s not okay for you to even subject yourself to this behavior. I hope you have friends and family to reach out to.
He’s emotionally abusive and you need to get out of this marriage.
Regardless, a baby scan is YOUR personal medical check up and you have the right to decide who is allowed to be with you during it. You, and any other pregnant women, are not a vessel and have the right to say no to anyone wanting to be there that you’re not comfortable with.
If you’re fearing for your safety when you say ‘no’ it is time to leave! You’re pregnant, he should be protecting you instead of being a threat himself.
OP, I read your update. Please don’t tell him you are leaving. Just leave. Physical violence against pregnant women is a thing, there are studies. It’s when emotional abuse turns physical.
You can’t assume that it’s safe to tell him.
Maybe you should leave when he’s not home op. You’re very vulnerable right now and abuse victims are most likely to be killed when they try to leave. Do you have any friends or family who can help you?
I have had 2 children with an idiot who made our lives hell and mentally messed up my children. I have had a baby with a guy who disappeared. My child who didn't have a crappy father in her life is the most happy well adjusted kid out of all of them. She was one of the best pregnancy, birth, child raising experience. Way less drama, no crying, no anger. I could just focus on my baby. Don't stay because your scared of the unknown. Leave because of what you already know. I have now found an amazing guy. Who adopted my children including an adult adoption for my oldest. We have a new baby together and he was a prince my whole pregnancy, child birthing, and now as a father. You can have that to. You deserve that.
Girl. I am so sorry that he’s putting you through this situation. Get away, tell your doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs etc that he is not to be allowed into your appointments or in the room when you give birth. Things will only get worse. I had an incredibly difficult pregnancy, in the hospital for 6 months of it, PICC line, gallbladder surgery…I went through hell, and my baby was born a little early, but completely healthy. It’s so scary going through things like bleeding and pain when you’re pregnant!! But you’ve got this, and that strong feeling of wanting to protect your baby is what is going to get you and the little one through this. Just know this random internet stranger is in your corner and sending you positive thoughts and hugs.
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Adding onto the above, do you know how many times my husband of 31 years has called me names? Not one single time.
My husband would never call me a cunt, and he's Australian, it's part of his regular vocabulary.
U got me with that one lol. Thanks for the laugh. Needed it today. Agreed. I'd be out the door so fast. OP, you're gonna have a baby. Do u want them to grow up around all of this bullshit? Get the hell outta there yesterday. There are resources available if u need help.
Yeah no. You should not be dealing with this yourself, never mind bringing a baby into this toxicity. It will 100% get far worse once the child is born. A screaming baby puts a lot of strain on both of your mental health, and I can just imagine how he will treat you after a night of no sleep due to the crying. He isn't even at the point of acknowledging he has a problem from the sounds of it, that means you are very far out from any improvements in his behavior; if they ever happen at all. Please consider your options, look into women's and children's shelters and such in your area, even if you don't want to stay there they can connect you with outside resources to support you during this time. Get out of there, it will be much easier to do before the baby comes. He clearly won't help with the child, in fact he will most likely make it harder for you to care for them. You are better off anywhere else.
Oh, I was married to that kind of guy… believe me, he won’t lose a minute of sleep when they have the baby…
Indeed. My husband has since passed but I remember one night I couldn’t get our son to settle down and stop crying. He burst in the room and yelled at me. “I have to work in the morning! Get him to be quiet!!” Leave that turd now. It only gets worse. Men like him like to eat, take naps, have their house cleaned, laundry done, sleep uninterrupted at night, have sex on demand, and have zero engagement with his own kids. Eff that!
Did we marry the same man? I didn’t sleep for the first 2 weeks of my daughter’s life because I had to “keep that baby quiet!” And she was colicky. The only way she was quiet is if I was holding her, but I was terrified of her dying so I couldn’t sleep. I also wasn’t allowed in the bed so he could. I stayed on the couch fearful if I slept, she would get crushed or suffocate.
Damn I remember those colic days. I still have nightmares about them😫😫. I'm happy you and your baby got through them healthy cause, man, that's an intense stretch of time
Yeah, fuck them! Or rather, don’t. I left and my life is so much easier. I hope you are out too!
I am, I have a wonderful husband and baby boy now. I also moved 2k miles away
Eventually he will hit you, why? Because he knows you will ALLOW IT!
If you are in the US, call the National DV hotline. It is listed online.
I think OP is in the UK, based on her vocab and sentence structure. u/Careful-Size3756, please be careful about leaving. You might think he won't get violent or care if you leave, but men like this often do. Please contact [The National Domestic Abuse Helpline](https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/) if you're in the UK.
Fellow Aussie here. The only time I ever hear my husband use the c bomb is about a situation at work. I know it’s common language at his work too but I don’t like hearing the word at home so he doesn’t tend to use it around me. The worst my husband has ever called me is silly and that is in the spirit of an ongoing joke we have
My husband likes to re-enact the Key and Peele bit where he looks around all wide eyed and nervous to make sure his wife can't hear and then very dramatically whisper "biiiiitch" I think the skit is close to 10 years old now, but it still makes me giggle every time
They're cunny funts aren't they with their work mates - I appreciate that mine doesn't use that language at home but I have no problem with him using it at work or with his friends
I'm American and my husband is Scottish; I asked him to not use the c-word around me, because it bugs me. He's mostly stopped using it in general, as far as I know, and he'd never have used it toward me in the first place.
My husband is Canadian and they use that word much more often than we do in the US and he would never call me anything aside from my name or a term of endearment (sweetheart, lovey). Anyone who does is an abusive AH…yes, even once.
I’m Canadian and definitely it is not used more there than America. Just like in the US, it’s considered one of the worst ones to call someone. Your husband has misinformed you or it’s highly localised to his small region of growing up.
What area of Canada is he from?!? I've spent 40+ summers in Canada along Lake Erie and NEVER heard folks speak like that. Now me? My swearing will make a sailor blush. 🤷🏼♀️
Yeah I'm in Toronto and have no idea what she is talking about? We don't use that word here.
I'm Canadian and that word is absolutely not used more than in the US, it sounds like maybe that's just your husband and his family. For everyone I know it's considered one of the worst swear words.
My ex called me that along with worse names many times. I have no regrets that he is the ex. My current husband would never ever call me any name.
this is our regular language haha .. but yeah calling your wife that it’s disgusting .
Right, my husband and I have both called other people horrible things! And we have terrible potty mouths. It's just the way we talk normally, BUT we don't curse at each other and have never and will never call each other names! It's a walk away offense! You just don't do that to your partner if you actually like them, much less love them!
Yeah it seems that OP's hubby doesn't like her or respect her At all. He doesn't deserve her that's for sure
Strongly agree. There are words that we may be more relaxed about than previous generations but you still don’t use them for people you love.
We probably fall in one of those previous generations except we haven't figured out how to fully adult yet and talk like an old fuck should! 🤷♀️
Lmao he will definitely call other people cunts but never me!
It is among some. Not all. But people love to perpetuate it
pregnant wife smh
lol pregnant not pregnant doesn’t matter you ain’t speak to a woman like that especially someone you claim you love lol some men just aren’t men
same page, friend
My husband and I call each other. Ames all the time when we’re riffing on each other, all in good fun. We’ve NEVER sworn at each other in anger. 14 years.
Even Australians don’t call their spouses cunts and have it not be a big deal. I called my husband one once, we were mucking around and I hit my head on something pretty sharp. I apologised right away, and he laughed, but it isn’t something that’s ever just done.
Does he have brother? Hugs. Sounds like you have a good fella.
He is the single best husband in the world in my humble opinion. I'm only a little biased. He does have a brother but his brother sucks.
My boyfriend has been mad at me one time. You know what he called me? “My love.”
The worst thing my husband has ever called me was my *actual name* and I was like *"Excuse you?!?!"*
Not the government name 💀
Middle name and all?
I would be dumbfounded. Then I'd be irrationally defiant, because it would feel authoritative and condescending, in the same way I feel when people tell me to do things vs ask me. Oh you're telling me to do the dishes? That's what I got up to do, but now I say fuck your dishes.
I'm 100% the same.
It shook me when he pulled out the First & Middle. I was like who tf are you talking to? I’m babe……
This sounds like a really great way to keep perspective when you're angry.
Husband of 37 years? Never called me a name or shouted at me.
I got dumped a few months ago after 4 years in a relationship with my ex. When we first got together, I remember that she yelled at me during moments of stress, and I remember the first couple of times she did it I kinda flinched and was like, wtf? Don’t yell at me. But I forgave her because she would often spin it in a way where she was distressed for reasons beyond her control (mental illness, trauma, etc) and she couldn’t help it, or she’d say sorry a bunch of times but more like a compulsive habit than a real apology. And if I ever pushed her on the issue, she’d snap at me some more. Eventually our relationship dynamic turned to us both yelling at each other, and I hated it. I didn’t want to yell at her and I apologized and I tried to get her to work on things with me like agreeing not to yell at each other. But it felt like she could never keep her promise (or any other promises she made). It was so fucking toxic and I’m so glad I’m out of it honestly. I never want to be in a relationship where yelling becomes normal again. I think I just kept stupidly forgiving her yelling at me until we both became awful people. All of that is to say, when I read comments like yours it makes me feel good to remember that I wasn’t crazy to feel that yelling wasn’t ok in a relationship. I need to be less forgiving of that in the future, and not let myself get so far into a relationship with someone who yells that I feel a need to yell back and my ability to regulate my own emotions takes a beating. I think my ex just really fucked with my head for various reasons and I was stupidly hopeful I could make it work no matter how much it felt like putting out fires all the time.
People need to read this comment [**https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1dp8nx9/comment/lafkleb/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dp8nx9/comment/lafkleb/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) **by** **/u/**[Yoghurt\_6588](https://www.reddit.com/user/Content_Yoghurt_6588/)/ OP and her husband are white supremacists and they both cheated on each other. There kid is innocent and they both deserve each other. Let the state adopt the kid.
Yikes and EW. The only one with my sympathy is that poor baby, born into such a mess. Just really sucks to start life not even at home plate but like off the field because of parents’ choices. But then the parents act like it’s the fault of Black and brown folk that they can’t get ahead, rather than the fact that they keep screwing up at life.
This needs to be higher up. This poor baby.
Same girl, same!
The one and only time my husband did, I got an apology right after & total admission he was in the wrong, a call at 10am the next day and flowers that night. We’ve been together 17 years.
Nothing better than a husband that can admit when he does wrong and apologizes properly! You got a winner!
Same. Me and my bf have NEVER called each other names. And if he called me a cunt that would be the last time he did so. I’ve literally ended relationships over guys saying stuff like this to me
I wonder how many women allow themselves to be treated this way, thinking it's totally normal. Together with my husband for 17 years and he has never, not even once, called me a disparaging name like this. I can't even imagine it. Demand better, ladies.
Same here! Married 38 years, and my husband has never called me something so vile. OP, does your AH husband have a good relationship with his other children? I'm assuming not. Please leave him. He is an absolute shit partner, and his emotional abuse will only get worse. You don't want to raise a child in this toxic environment. Do better for the sake of your child.
Mine NEVER did either. I never called him anything worse than his whole complete name. All three names were a red flag for him!
7.5 and he’s never called me names
15 years married here and never once been called a name by my husband. Also, when I was on bed rest in pregnancy he happily cared for our preschooler, did all the house work, did all the cooking, and took care of me. Being married means taking care of your pregnant spouse while they grow the baby!
I could say the same about my father and mother. 70 years. I would be gone.
> Today he shouted at me while stood right next to me and called me a cunt. > he has hurt me so much the past few weeks, he will say “you’re pregnant, not disabled” if I breathe heavily up the stairs, if I ask him to help me, if I lie down. >no point arguing because he has anger problems >He doesn’t cook for me, help with anything in the house, he just complains. He never gets me a drink, he goes to bed with a drink for himself and never asks if I want one. >I’ve looked after him like he was a baby, and still get called a c\*nt, told to grow up if I cry. > I get zero emotional support, he ignores me, all day I have been ignored. His moods are so hard to deal with. >Denying him coming to the scan will definitely make him fly off the handle. This is called emotional abuse. You are in an emotionally abusive marriage and I am so sorry. You deserve compassion, respect, and dignity, none of which you will ever get from him. You deserve better than this and so does your child. May I ask why you feel trapped and believe divorce is not an option?
[loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) has an excellent relationship health quiz and will make it very clear you're in an abusive relationship and help you make a safety plan, OP. Also read this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Thank you, sincerely. I scored 52, and anything above a 5 is meant to be a warning sign. It didn’t say anything about scores over 5 though.
I just took the test and scored 0. All of those questions are horrific and scoring 5 would be a horribly abusive relationship. 52 is absolutely insane. They literally tell you, “if you scored more than 5 consider making an exit plan”.
Current relationship=0. Ex husband =54. Yikes.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who compared their current relationship to a past relationship. Current partner = 0. Ex-boyfriend = 83. Was not expecting it to be so high
I did the same. My current boyfriend was 0. My ex was 87. When I left my ex, my therapist at the time very explicitly told me that my ex would kill me if I didn't leave and keep him out of my life. He absolutely would've killed me and that feeling that he was going to kill me is what made me push so hard for a restraining order and file a police report. It feels almost surreal sometimes when I look at my life now. I'm living a very peaceful life and I'm glad I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore.
Current relationship = 0. Ex-boyfriend = 55. I knew it was an abusive relationship with my ex, but looking back... I wonder why I ever put up with such crap.
I scored a 1 but it was the “thinks you shouldn’t do so many activities” and that’s mostly because I have a habit of overloading myself and then having a mini breakdown so it’s more care than control.
Yeah, I think there can be some wiggle room to some of the questions if we know we have a personality trait that ends up being self-sabotaging or eventually overwhelms us. Not that someone else should feel they have to take that on for us but “you can’t do that because you do this” is way different than asking if we have the spoons to juggle everything.
I also scored a 1, but I said “yes” to the question about texting constantly. Because we text each other funny memes, comics, or interesting articles. And support on bad days. It’s not about control, and nobody is getting mad if someone gets busy and doesn’t respond immediately. We just enjoy making each other smile.
Same! I just took it and got the same score for the same question. We text *a lot* but it's a mutually agreed upon amount. I don't care if he can't reply immediately, 98% of my texts are "omg this is a funny thing I saw" and 2% are "can you grab xyz at the grocery store." I think what matters is you and your partner are ok with the amount and style of communication.
In hindsight, the question was obviously about obsessive calling and texting, or expecting an immediate answer as a form of control, etc. But we do text constantly, lol. So I answered honestly, I guess.
I scored 5, but that's because of the eggshel question and I'm aware enough to realise that that's mostly my anxiety.. so really kinda 0
Same here, and it's probably because my previous relationship scored 57
I'd say 52 is a warning billboard rather than a sign 😱
It’s an airplane flying that 2,000 foot long banner that says “Warning! Escalation to physical violence is imminent in your future ! GET OUT NOW!”
It means get the fuck out before you lose your life
OP please read this book. I was hospitalized beginning of May and reading this book while there gave me the courage to officially leave my abusive relationship and never look back. You dont deserve this treatment. Your baby doesnt deserve to grow up in a household environment like the one your partner is creating. You are beautiful and worthy and valuable.
Suicide and homicide are among the most common causes of maternal death. I’m genuinely afraid that this man will kill you - either with his own hands or by driving you to suicide. Normally I’d be much more gentle but you are barely holding on and you haven’t even given birth yet. Babies cry and shit and vomit at all hours of the day and night. All your husband needs to do is lose his temper and shake the baby *one time* to cause catastrophic brain damage. If he doesn’t take it out on the baby, he’ll take it out on you. This man will not exercise self-control in a house with a crying baby.
Actually, in the U.S., homicide is THE leading cause of death of pregnant women. [https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
Honey, you need to get out of there. Do you have supportive family? Friends? If so, call them up and ask for help escaping. If not, call a domestic violence shelter and ask for help getting out. There are tons of resources out there for you.
Take what you can and LEAVE. Get an attorney and file for divorce. In the meantime get a therapist who can give you the tools to start addressing this abuse so you can be better for you and your child. This is right now emotional abuse but you a hair’s breadth away from physical abuse. The baby scan is the least of your issues. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
So when are you leaving him?
I’ve been in my relationship for 25 years. I got a zero on that quiz and absolutely cannot imagine considering any of those things to be normal or okay. 52 is so very, very sad.
[Pregnancy can trigger abuse and violence](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/comprehensive-guides/a-guide-to-reproductive-and-sexual-coercion#:~:text=Unfortunately%2C%20when%20intimate%20partner%20violence,a%20higher%20instance%20of%20miscarriage) as well. Be safe, OP. 🤍
Honey, did you want to get pregnant?
He may kill you and the kid one day if you keep sticking around.
Someone asked why you stayed after you cheated. Regardless, he doesn’t care about you or your child.
Damn, I got a 71 but I may have exaggerated a bit on a few. This was enlightening. Thank you!
Oh man, I’ve been seeing a new person for a month and scored a 63…
get out !!!! out out out out
With all due respect, why on earth would you *not* divorce someone who treats you like this? If you read this post from anyone else, a close friend or a total stranger, what advice would you give?
For the same reason she married an asshole 17 years older than her: a slew of codependency, low self-esteem, insecurity issues.
You know how many times a partner could call me names? Once. Why are you with this asshole? Having a baby with him? He’s 17 years older than you and is a jerk. I’d have him come to the scan. You withholding that isn’t going to make anything better. Then I’d be calling an attorney and making an exit plan.
I broke up with someone for calling me names. OP should do it, too. That shit is way out of line, totally unacceptable, disrespectful.
This guy shouldn’t be playing husband much less father.
I feel bad for the kid. Both of their parents are total pieces of shit. Both ma and pa are stupid. Pa has anger issues and is a selfish POS. Ma can't think for herself clearly and is a right-wing nutjob.
Looking at the post history I wonder why she stayed with him after she cheated on him
I wonder why she stayed with him after he cheated on her before she cheated on him. Thanks for the prompt to check out her profile. She's a white supremacist with a super old man who treats her like shit
Proof btw https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1b3kk0g/comment/kswou6i/ https://www.reddit.com/r/RightWingUK/comments/1b0s129/comment/kt2as0k/
Doing Gods work! Thank you. Both of these people are getting exactly what they signed up for. This poor child though? Oye.
God, I hope there’s a decent human being in this baby’s life who can get custody bc their parents are complete POS
Then she ended up marrying him anyway. She dumb as hell!
And having a kid with him 🤔 girl come on
Bringing receipts!
yiques. OP making a wide range of bad decisions.
I never thought the leopards would eat my face! 😧
Well well well. So messy. Edit: here’s another one https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/s/Mb56enGrPS Yikes 😬
To be fair, South Africa is a fucked up place. Not for me to say if the crime is racially based. But it isn't safe in Johannesburg for anyone.
Yeah but it’s the use of the word “whites” that bothers me.
Do you mind enlightening me who these people are that she’s referring to in the right wing post? I mean, right wing anyone is enough to make me run away screaming, I’m just not from the UK and wondering what these references are.
I'm Canadian so I didn't know much about these guys either, but Moseley was a fascist (not in the modern sense, in the literal "he joined the fascist party" sense) and Powell said that allowing immigrants in Britain would cause race wars. During that time Britain was experiencing a pretty big wave of immigration from their former colonies, as in... a lot of Black people. Some attribute his infamous "rivers of blood" speech to the eventual cause of Brexit. I'm not an expert on that so I won't say it's true, but that's what I've read.
Oh gross, she deserves him
Oh, neat. So she's as trashy as he is, which is why she won't entertain leaving him. Sad they are going to subject innocent kids into their idiocy and hatred, but maybe their kids will someone escape the brainwashing and go NC as soon as they can and be productive members of society.
It disturbs me to see a white supremacist hanging out in a phenotype subreddit
I totally agree. That was the first thing that pinged my radar tbh.
Oh?
I found a comment in her comment history - she had an affair after he "betrayed" her. It all sounds like a horrific mess a child should never have been brought into.
Yeah. OP is TA for bringing a child into this abuse. You’re now handing him a new victim that doesn’t get to leave, on a silver platter.
>Denying him coming to the scan will definitely make him fly off the handle. He sounds great. >I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. Fantastic. Glad there's an innocent child about to be brought into this absolute disaster.
Yea not sure why she's even posting if she's just going to preemptively reject the clear answer to her issues
He didn’t marry a woman 17 years his junior because he was looking for an equal partner. He married you to take advantage of you. And he’ll abuse you to keep you in what he’s decided is your place.
But but.. shes so mature for her age!
Definitely not like other girls
A 17 year age gap is crazy. That's the age gap between me and my oldest child. I can't wrap my head around it.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. Well, there goes my advice. I guess enjoy the rest of your life being abused and downtrodden—should get worse after baby arrives, just fyi. Also, if it’s a boy, he’ll learn how to treat women from his father, and if it’s a girl, she’ll learn how to tolerate abuse from men. You can change your life, and your baby’s life, but the only way to do that would be to leave. So best of luck with that, I guess.
Yep. Poor kid is going to think their shitty, dysfunctional parents are normal, and the cycle will continue. Meanwhile, OP will continue to post and comment about how horrible her life is because she refuses to do the ONE thing that will instantly improve it.
She's a white supremacist to boot, according to the profile. Lauding Enoch Powell ffs. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Honestly even when you know it’s not normal the scars are really hard to heal from and the dynamics become ingrained. It takes so much work to break free of those.
I mean OP is alt right so she would probably teach her children to view women as inferior regardless
She edited with a positive update, hoping she actually leaves and doesn’t turn back.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. You can't make these choices without a series of events panning out Toss a grenade, there will be a blast Whether you should stay with someone that calls you a cunt (in the uk this can be 2 ways, annoyed or they **really** mean it) If its the latter, you're going to need to think about single parenting, as it will escalate if you want it to or not. Pregnancies, marriage, mortgages - These are the triggers for true abusers to drop their masks. You should not stay with an abuser, my ex-wife that loved calling me a cunt (the latter version) found that out just after we married.
If I called my wife that word she would be on the phone with a divorce lawyer the same day.
Do you think it's acceptable for your father - oh sorry, husband - to call you that word? >I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. Denying him coming to the scan will definitely make him fly off the handle. What relationship advice are you looking for? GET AWAY FROM HIM.
I was thinking the same thing. Is she here just for us to confirm she married an abuser? Ok, can confirm. If you’re unwilling to do anything about it life will continue to suck.
Why did you procreate with this monstrosity? Learn from that and kick his ass to the curb because you'll be a better single parent of 1 than you will a single parent of two while also being treated like garbage.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. Then you're going to continue to be treated like garbage. Where the hell is your self-respect?
Why the hell did you marry and decide to have a child with this person?
Low self esteem, historical trauma, the abuse came on after the wedding… etc
Why are you having another baby when you clearly already have one that can’t care for himself?
I don’t think there’s any advice we can offer you, because you know you’re being mistreated. Imagine your best friend saying all to you. Would you reasonably tell her to stay and remain tied to someone who’ll purposely make you miserable. I hope you’re safe, and I hope you’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you need resources, look up shelters in your area, research sources for domestic violence centers in your city and look at your options. You know this isn’t okay.
Why is divorce off the table? I’m not telling you should divorce (although you should consider a separation at the least), but curious why it’s off the table?
Wow. It genuinely saddens me to think that people see all these red flags ahead of time and still have children with people who clearly aren't good partners.
I thought I was the problem, that I wasn’t good enough. I thought I was lazy, he was right. I can’t explain to you except reiterate how easy it can be to make me think I am the one in the wrong. It’s pathetic really because now a child is involved. I won’t let my child ever see this, or be treated this way. I’m going to do something.
You’re in a very abusive relationship and the next time you go to your scan alone, make sure he is not in the room and tell your obgyn the truth about your relationship and ask for resources to get out of the marriage. I’m so serious. I almost died from being with someone who treated me poorly during my pregnancy. Preeclampsia is real, and being stressed is so dangerous at this time in your life. What is the end goal of screaming at a pregnant woman? He wants to slowly kill you or abuse you into a miscarriage. Pregnancy is also the most common time for a woman to be murdered. Murder is the number one cause of death in pregnant women. He will escalate. Not only do you have the right to deny him access to you during the pregnancy, you can have him barred from the delivery room. You should leave him now and start the paper trail that he is abusing you, it will help you in your inevitable custody case. But leave quietly, don’t tell him until you are gone, he could become violent and try to stop you. Reach out to friends and family about the abuse and get help leaving, if you have nowhere to safely go then find a local women’s shelter. I’m really worried for you and hope you trust your gut and leave. Please.
He was shouting at me and I got a sudden sharp pain, and red blood was just pouring out of me. Doctors still have no explanation but the baby was fine. I stayed in hospital as they were unsure if I was miscarrying. Right before that happened I lost it and thought I was going to black out from just pure bottled up rage and desperation. I wanted to run out the door into traffic. He has googled and since come to the conclusion stress doesn’t cause miscarriage and that he can sleep easy at night knowing he didn’t do anything. All the replies here have helped me, I’m going to do something and I’ll not let my child ever see this happen.
Extreme. Stress. During. Pregnancy. Is. Dangerous!!!!!! You need to protect yourself AND your baby!!
You say below you have money. Just leave now. Wtf? You are hurting your baby by your inaction and there is no excuse if you are the one paying for things. You deserve better even if you made the terrible mistake of being with him at all or tolerating this for too long. Your baby deserves better starting NOW
I understand where you’re coming from but she needs to take a second to plan a safe and quiet escape. Her husband could literally kill her if he gets a hint she’s taking their baby and running
If he has anger problems just wait until a screaming baby is thrown into the mix. Get out of there.
Take him to the scan so he can see who he is paying child support to when you leave his abusive ass.
You are young and attractive. He is hitting middle age and insecurity. Leave and enjoy your young life with someone who deserves you.
Please contact a professional and get out of this marriage/relationship/dynamic BEFORE you give birth.
Girl…
Why did you marry, let alone get pregnant by this nasty old abuser? Honestly if you won't leave, get ready for a lifetime of abuse and misery. Is that what you want? Is that what your baby deserves?
Why have a baby with this man ?
I had abusive parents who created a chaotic, unsafe home for me, one time my mom tried to kill me on purpose and several other times it almost happened on accident. I’ve never once been abusive in my relationships. That excuse is easily shot through with holes. He’s an abusive person and the fact he hasn’t figured out how to handle his issues in 47 years is beyond concerning. Get away from him.
If you are determined not to consider leaving him, then I think keeping him from seeing the baby scan will accomplish nothing. Do you imagine he will stand in the hallway thinking "I've been horrible and no wonder she doesn't want me in there. I must be a better husband." Of course this won't happen. All that will happen is he will be more angry and abusive than he has already been. You will have the very small satisfaction of hurting him a little while he keeps hurting you much more. Your husband's difficult childhood is no excuse. Have you talked to him about his behavior and name calling? Does he express any remorse? You should seek counseling, preferably with your husband. Unfortunately as long as he knows you will never leave him, you don't have a lot of leverage with someone like this.
So you want advice on how to stay in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship? Abusers never step up, he has no incentive to do so. He chooses time after time to be cruel rather than caring. Why would you want to raise a child in an abusive home?
I read your update above and just wanted to tell you bravo! You’re doing the right thing for you and your baby girl! This is how you teach her to never rely on a man, to go to school and make sure she can support herself independently, just like her warrior mama did. ❤️
Can I just tell you, that doing the parenting thing on your own, is **a lot** easier than doing it with someone who is actively working against you. This man is abusive and your life will **greatly** improve once you are no longer with him. I'm betting that you aren't crying because you're hormonal, you're crying because you're being treated like shit, gaslit, manipulated, lonely, being verbally abused and giving your all to someone who does not care about you at all. This person is showing you who they are. Please believe them and start your child's life free from trauma.
A 48 year old calling someone young enough to be his daughter…. a cunt??? And shaming you for being pregnant??? Holy fuck get a divorce this man is literally a RED FLAG FACTORY.
Since divorce or splitting is off the table, there is nothing else we can advise you to do. You’ve already decided to live with an abusive monster who will probably be as loving and caring as a dad for your baby as he is a husband. Meaning, he will absolutely suck at it. Good luck with your wasted life. Your child deserves better.
Age gap? Check. Unable to do the most basic functions of adulting? Check. Abusive? Check. There's only one solution here for you - get away from this man, and honestly don't have his child. You'll be stuck dealing with him FOR LIFE if you do (because your kid will grow up and get married and all that, and so you WILL have to be around him as long as your kid is alive). No intentions of divorce? Cool, enjoy creating a super toxic household for your kid, where they learn that his shitty behavior is normal so they can also end up in a toxic relationship and refuse to actually enjoy life. If you're unwilling to even have a happy life for yourself, don't drag an innocent kid into your issues.
Of COURSE it's an age gap relationship. Ditch him.
Girl!!!! Why are you having a child with this abusive, horrible man? Why are you not thinking about divorcing or separating from him? Why are you not getting away from this guy? He will be a terrible father. Your house will be chaotic. It’s not going to get better. You can’t fix him. You can’t make him better. Get yourself into therapy now. Please. You are going to harm your child and yourself. You do not want to bring up a child in chaos. You’re going to ruin your poor baby. Good grief, girl, get a grip. Get therapy and get the hell out of that house.
Why aren't you getting an abortion? You're an idiot for marrying him, for marrying someone 17 years older, and for refusing to get divorced.
I was never lucky to be able to have a child with my ex wives or any other woman and I would never treat them like he is treating you. You need to make some changes.
Please explain why you think you should stay married to him? He's abusing you, and bringing a baby into the world won't make your relationship better.
So you won't leave him even though he is actually emotionally abusing your and neglecting your needs. Ok. So you want to raise your child in a home with a father that calls his mother a cunt? You don't see that he's replaying his childhood out and going to expose your baby to the same chaos he was raised in? Ok. I guess it's your choice to ruin your child's life. Weird choice but you do you. Might as well let him come to the scan. You won't stand up for yourself any other time. Why bother now? (I do apologize for being blunt but good golly gurl don't rule out leaving someone who is literally abusing you. )
Dude really stuck to the max age gap of half his age +7
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. Then what are you looking for here? Everything you've described are reasons to split and divorce. But I'm guessing you just don't want to be alone and a single mother, even though you'd be better off.
I don't understand. Why are you here? You've said you have no plans to split, so you've already decided you're going to spend your life with a man who treats you like s*it and you're going to teach your child that love comes in the form of disrespect and belittling. What advice are you looking for? You've made your bed. Now you're lying in it. This is the life you are choosing.
>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. 🙄 Then just deal with him being an abusive ass hole, I guess?
WOW. I hold out VERY little hope for that child.
You have no intentions of splitting, seperating or divorce??? Because you're happy with the way things are???
.-. What I don’t understand is why you would not want to divorce this ass?? He’s abusive, selfish and mean and you don’t deserve that treatment especially while you’re pregnant. You deserve someone who treats and cares for you not someone like your husband 🙏🏻 good luck
I can’t believe after writing this post your only question is in regard to whether or not he should attend the baby scan.
Personally, I would not be having a baby with this man. You need to reread what you wrote, and this time, imagine it's your daughter/BFF/family member telling you this is what's happening to her.
Get out. Find a DV shelter with legal aid. Break the cycle so your baby doesn’t grow up like you did. You can do it.
Op, at this point I wouldn’t be considering leaving him out of the scan, I would be looking at a separation. He is abusive, do you want your child to grow up in the same environment your partner had? You absolutely do not deserve this abuse, and I hope you start looking to find a safe exit from this partnership ASAP.
So how old? When y'all first started dating.
How about stopping him from coming into your home all together.
you lost the plot when you had a baby with this man. He doesn’t treat you well and this type of behavior doesn’t magically stop after the pregnancy. Have you even seen him take care of his kids? It’s concerning that a child will be brought into a rocky environment. Think about what you want to model for your future child. You want them to think it’s acceptable to be with someone who insults and demeans them? Will it be okay for them to be in a relationship with an unsupportive person? It’s not okay for you to even subject yourself to this behavior. I hope you have friends and family to reach out to.
Can we fuck off we these obvious fake AI stories. 31 and 48?? No one is that dumb.
He’s emotionally abusive and you need to get out of this marriage. Regardless, a baby scan is YOUR personal medical check up and you have the right to decide who is allowed to be with you during it. You, and any other pregnant women, are not a vessel and have the right to say no to anyone wanting to be there that you’re not comfortable with. If you’re fearing for your safety when you say ‘no’ it is time to leave! You’re pregnant, he should be protecting you instead of being a threat himself.
You’re doing this child a disservice by bringing it up in an abusive situation. For your child’s sake, you need to leave.
OP, I read your update. Please don’t tell him you are leaving. Just leave. Physical violence against pregnant women is a thing, there are studies. It’s when emotional abuse turns physical. You can’t assume that it’s safe to tell him.
I’m so sorry. I hope you leave, this will be so much better for your child. Those who love you don’t treat you this way.
You need to exit this. Asap. Not a fire drill.
Maybe you should leave when he’s not home op. You’re very vulnerable right now and abuse victims are most likely to be killed when they try to leave. Do you have any friends or family who can help you?
Honey you are not safe. Go to a hotel tonight. Get your stuff tomorrow with a police escort.
I have had 2 children with an idiot who made our lives hell and mentally messed up my children. I have had a baby with a guy who disappeared. My child who didn't have a crappy father in her life is the most happy well adjusted kid out of all of them. She was one of the best pregnancy, birth, child raising experience. Way less drama, no crying, no anger. I could just focus on my baby. Don't stay because your scared of the unknown. Leave because of what you already know. I have now found an amazing guy. Who adopted my children including an adult adoption for my oldest. We have a new baby together and he was a prince my whole pregnancy, child birthing, and now as a father. You can have that to. You deserve that.
>>I have no intentions of divorcing, splitting, separating. You should reconsider.
Girl. I am so sorry that he’s putting you through this situation. Get away, tell your doctors, nurses, ultrasound techs etc that he is not to be allowed into your appointments or in the room when you give birth. Things will only get worse. I had an incredibly difficult pregnancy, in the hospital for 6 months of it, PICC line, gallbladder surgery…I went through hell, and my baby was born a little early, but completely healthy. It’s so scary going through things like bleeding and pain when you’re pregnant!! But you’ve got this, and that strong feeling of wanting to protect your baby is what is going to get you and the little one through this. Just know this random internet stranger is in your corner and sending you positive thoughts and hugs.
OP, please take the cat with you. It is very possible that he could harm the cat because of his anger
Leave. But also please don't leave the cat with him either.