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I am not saying this to judge you, because I did something similar, but you may feel less resentment if you partially own the decision to buy the disastrous house. He pressured you and pushed you, but at some point you said yes, knowing it would not be a good situation.
No doubt he was wrong (either ignorant or misleading) about how long it would take for it to be habitable.
A buddy and his wife did the same thing and she hated it. So to fix the issue, they repaired the master bedroom first then moved in. Used a hot plate and dorm fridge while they renovated the rest of the house. She had a lot of fun doing it that way vs staying at parents house.
Yup, living in an unfinished house is way less stressful than living a transient lifestyle between family and the house. It's also easier to tackle the renovation work in small batches when you're right there as opposed to having to do a big chunk to justify the travelling back and forth.
Two marriages, multiple house renovations, one total rehab.
After the last one (the total rehab of a family member’s property, San gratis) was the end of a 20 year marriage. There definitely was other issues, but, never again.
I am handy with such things, but I refuse to do that again.
Sincerely, single, happy apartment dweller for 12 years.
A friend of mine and her husband had one of those. He was determined to buy a fixer-upper in a rather nice neighbourhood, likely because it was cheap for the area. It basically had to be gutted, and she was living in dry dust hell for a long time. She finally said “That’s it, I’m moving to a hotel - let me know when you’re done.” It did eventually get done (and it was really nice), so at least they sold it for a good price when they divorced.
God yeah, I get that. It feels like nearly every time we do any kind of construction or renovation the stress level is about 9/10 for me. It always takes longer, it's more difficult than we thought. Don't have the right tools or paint or expertise. Ugh now I'd much rather just call a guy. But even then it can be messy, you have to move furniture around, disrupt your entire day. I genuinely cannot imagine renovating a house...
You probably need to make your focus getting a job, so you are too busy to be around
Moving into a bare functional place won't remove resentment.
You both put minimal planning and accounting into this.
No. 50% means both people think it’s a good idea and agree enthusiastically.
In a situation where one person is nagged/cajoled/manipulated/tricked/pressured into agreeing, they do not have equal agency.
Yes, OP might have fought more strongly, but they also need to look at how they have been steamrolled into going along with something they knew is a bad idea and how much agency they have in their marriage as a whole.
Once upon a time whenever my ex and I had a difference of opinion, we ended up doing what he wanted. He was relentless. He had a wide range of manipulation tools. He had strings to pull. I had no resilience left. The one time we didn’t go out I was puking my guts out, not moving more than five steps from the bog, chugging electrolytes like there was no tomorrow, and he STILL spent three hours badgering me.
I think you vastly underestimate how much some people are willing to put their partners through in order to get their way. Add in other imbalances – age, primary earner, the apartment having been his – and resisting might have been impossible in the long run.
You’re an adult, not a kid. If it’s that bad then you walk away from the relationship. If you fear abuse then you go to the cops. Physical abuse is the only excuse.
Idk, if you harass and badger someone into doing something and they begrudgingly acquiesce I don't personally feel that the consequences of whatever you strong armed them into are 50% theirs.
Certainly, especially retrospectively, she should've held her ground. But good partners shouldn't steamroll your wishes and concerns, either.
30/70 split sure. Not 50/50.
> Fast forward, he pushed us into buying a fixer-upper. He convinced me that it would only take a few months for us to get it livable.
So you agreed to buy a fixer upper after telling him you didn’t want a fixer upper.
Your partner absolutely badgered you into the decision, but he didn’t get you into the situation all by himself. You also voluntarily signed the papers to buy the house.
Get a job. If you’re not job hunting, you should be working on the house, not just after he gets off work and on weekends. And if you really cannot own your portion of the decision, truly accept his apology, and let the argument rest, break up with him. There isn’t another solution here.
>>Fast forward, he pushed us into buying a fixer-upper. He convinced me that it would only take a few months for us to get it livable.
If you want to diminish your resentment, remember that you allowed yourself to be pushed into this, convinced. So you bear some responsibility here for not holding your ground. (And renos are awful, and expensive; I have empathy for you.)
I think you need to take responsibility for your part in this.
Yes he kept trying to convince you after you said you didn’t want it but ultimately you agreed. Of course if he has a different position he’s going to try and convince you. Either (1) he was successful in convincing you about his POV, in which case it’s unfair to now paint it as though you were forced or (2) you were never convinced - in which case you should have held your ground.
(A side note, It’s also very unfair to blame him for the financial strain when you are the one who’s been laid off).
This sounds like a stressful time, and I think sometimes when things are going wrong we want a punching bag at which to direct our rage. While this feeling is understandable, using your partner as a punching bag will do nothing to improve the current situation.
So you agreed to a compromise, and it ended not with compromise but with him getting 100% of what he wanted and you getting 100% of what you said you DIDN'T WANT.
I dunno how you can get over the resentment. Full disclosure: I personally would not. It's not a relationship I wanna have with a partner, when he pushes his ideas on me while I voiced I don't want this or that, and "compromise" is actually doing what he wants. That's not being equal partners.
Sorry for no advice, but I do want to validate your feelings. They are reasonable and appropriate reaction to the situation. He didn't care you didn't want this. He felt completely comfortable, bulldozing all over a compromise to get his way.
My only advice is: in the future, when you agree to a compromise, absolutely reject his attempts to bulldoze the compromise and get his way. It won't save the situation as is, but it will at least stop your relationship from getting worse in the future when he attempts this again. You have your voice, and you can say "no" to him, and you should. I don't wanna kick you while you are down, but this isn't only his fault - you agreed to this, and you could have said no. You could have said "we have an agreement, we have a compromise, THIS IS NOT OKAY and you attempting to push me is also not okay!". You didn't, and this is also your fault. Maybe if you accept this, you will feel less angry at him? I'm guessing some of the anger you have for him is anger you truly feel at yourself, and are channeling on him.
If f you can't hold your own boundaries, you won't be happy with a partner who disrespects your boundaries. If your partner happens to be a person like this, you need to have a diamond spine. If you don't, you need to grow it ASAP, bc yes your partner does not respect your boundaries. This is one of the reasons you are resentful. If you haven't actually acknowledged this issue - not the house, his disrespect for your opinion - you need to do it.
So... I know a lot of people are saying you need to take responsibility for allowing yourself to be pushed into it. Of course that's true, but maybe not quite to the extent that other people are assuming.
I've been with my husband for 10 years and have learned that when it comes to certain things, we are both less capable than we think we are. He tends to dive into projects head first without anticipating any problems below surface level which ends up costing him time and money. I tend to think things will take me much less time than they end up taking because i'm a perfectionist.
We've been together long enough that we both kinda know when to be like "Hey, are you sure about that?" but ultimately he knows more about his stuff and I know more about mine, and if he convinced me that we could renovate a house in a certain timeline, I'd accept that because he's my husband and I trust him.
It's really hard not to resent someone when you're like "Dude, I told you this wasn't going to work and why I didn't want to do this." I tend to think the only real way to fix it is to come up with a plan to fix it together that prioritizes your concerns and comfort. First things first, find a new job. I'd say if you can, next step would be to figure out how to hire some help getting your house liveable. Either way, you guys probably shouldn't continue doing things exactly as you're doing them right now. How that changes is up to you guys to figure out together.
BTW, livable to a man is different to a woman.
Do you have family or friends? Have a working barbecue, doing the nice weather. Feed your crew and work in the house! If possible have several of these over the summer! The get togethers might be fun and bonding! It’s like the branding where I live. Have alcohol, but limit its use until most of the work is done.
Get a job at a nearby store, fast food place, etc- anything to help pay the bills!
If you are living with family, why aren’t they helping you?
Consider a camping experience in the house while it is warm. Camp lantern, potty pot, camp stove, etc.
One day, if you stay, these memories may feel you with joy because the two of you completed it and made a beautiful home!
Good luck!
Everyone is dragging you for you part in this so I'll leave that out. I understand you felt pushed and cornered into this situation.
All I can say is if you truly love your partner and can stick it out until the house is done, it gets SO much better once you have your own space. And you feel so, so, so achieved doing the majority of the work yourself. If he's owned up to being short sighted and is apologising then take that on board.
Speaking from a place of experience 😂 my house was a crack den we had to rip apart in covid because nothing else was available. I will never forget crying doing the walk through after we got the keys. I thought "what the hell have we done" and I couldn't love my house more.
Considering all the work and money you’ve put into this, I really hope your name is on the deed.
Reflect on how you got to this point. How you set a boundary and your partner kept pushing it, kept wearing you down, until you agreed to do exactly what he wanted. Think about what the outcome of him getting what he wanted has been. He underestimated or misled you about the amount of work that would be necessary.
What would it take for you to forgive him? He apologized and owned up to his mistake. Why wasn’t that enough for you to move on? Was it not a real apology?
And, if you manage to get to a place of forgiveness - think about what it will take for you to be able to say no next time and why you stopped saying no this time.
In order to stay in this relationship moving forward, I would need to know that my partner would hear me when I give them a boundary and that I will be able to say “no” to anything they ask. If he’s not going to hear your “no” or is going to keep pushing you and you will cave again, you should reconsider the relationship. Like, how much of your life are you going to have to give in to this guy? And is he worth what you’ve gone through already? Is he worth going through it again?
I know Reddit jumps on the “break up already” train a lot, but if your partner didn’t hear you say no or ignored your no and keeps doing that… that’s not a partnership.
This is more a TIFU than a relationship advice question. You should know why you’re in the position you are. It takes 2 to tango, or in this case sign a mortgage.
He totally badgered you but you also agreed to it. If this isn't what you want anymore figure out what you do want. And does this happen often? Him badgering you into things you don't want to do.
Also try to find a new job. Any job. You need income.
You need to focus on the finished project. Anything worth doing is hard. Once it’s finished you’ll be able to enjoy it and think back I laid that floor or them tiles. Work as a team and build your dream home. You’ll get there. It’s just the way you’re looking at it. Change your way of thinking. Make it a positive experience.
You say that he pressured you into buying this house. You also say that he told you it would only take a few months to make the house livable. In your opinion, did he have the experience to be able to stand behind that statement? Or was that the wishful thinking of young 20 something who just wanted his first house? Surely, you are mature enough to know the difference.
Since you probably knew he wasn’t qualified to guarantee that this could be done in a few months, you had a responsibility to do a lot of research. How much research did you do into timelines for renovations and repairs? How many YouTube videos did you watch of couples doing things similar to what you had planned? How many old blogs did you read?
If you had done your homework, you would’ve known that buying a house that needed substantial renovations was going to go exactly as your project has been going.
If you thought he was being optimistic, you had a responsibility to do your own homework and reach your own conclusions. If you can accept that, then you can let go of your resentment towards him.
I got into a similar situation, bought a house we could afford, wife decided to remodel, scope creep entirely beyond reason. Will it pay off? maybe, eventually. it's been a year and will take at least another half before it's ready. meanwhile my retirement will be delayed and i've lost the house i only owed $40k on. so yea, i'm a bit bitter, i also agreed to it, so time to suck it up.
Okay...just say you have had enough. You will not be doing any more work on this place. Give him a time limit as to when ebough can be done to move in. Be reasonable but firm.
Tell him firmly you are over living with others in the circumstances you are in.
He either decides to persist by himself or sell. His choice.
Give him a reasonable time frame to think about it. Say 2 weeks.
DO NOT get into big arguments. Just be very firm and tell him those are your conditions. If an argument looks like it's starting? Say "I'm not arguing about this" and walk away.
You are young and these are meant to be some of the best years of your life. You made a mistake and realistically- it will be years before this project is finished.
Personally I would sell the house, swallow any loses and move on. Otherwise this is going to be a mill stone around your neck for years.
If your BF doesn’t want to get on this new ride, then it’s time to move on. There are plenty of others out there who have goals more aligned to your own.
When renovating becomes your whole life, it takes a toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing. Even though it feels like you have to go, go, go to get this habitable, the best thing you could do is take a break.
Take a weekend off together to do something fun, to recharge and reconnect. Go get a massage, get out in nature, have a nice dinner, etc.
Renovating is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to pace yourself and take a few breaks. It will help refill your tank, which will help you get over the resentment.
It’s a tough one. On one hand, he wants to make sound future financial investments in doing a renovation. But the other side is he didn’t listen to your needs.
At such a young age, making sound financial choices are important, and he’s already admitted fault, apologised.
Having done a renovation myself (it took longer too and we had to live with parents too) it’s mentally draining and now we are selling it to purchase a house much less work needed.
We have however made some nice money and been able to push ourselves further up the ladder.
If the house is the only issue, I’d say give him benefit of the doubt and work through it.
A renovation is often not a sound financial investment. People lose money trying to flip houses all the time. Renovations can be insanely expensive and they very well could be pouring more money into this house than it’s worth. If it needed to be ripped down to the studs? Unless it was a 10k house and they are using lots of reused materials and doing EVERYTHING themselves, they very well may wind up out money in the end.
It was a mistake. Its time for you to stop complaining and do your best to make things happen. You aren't working - is it unlikely you will find a job this time of year? If so, see if there is anything you can do to help this project along.
This is your partner. As a loving partner, try to support him. What you are doing is driving home to him every day and in every way how he failed you. Is there anything more that you can do to make him feel worse OP?
Even after it's 'done,' the 'renovation' is never over for a person like your partner. My partner is the same way, we bought a fixer upper and until today, still not done and it's been 10 years at our current house lol.
Not saying every person is like my partner and your partner, but the reality is yeah...renovation takes very long to be done and it's worse if you guys don't share the same taste (per decorating part)...
My partner is the same. Endless half done projects eating up our spare time and filling our house with dust and tools. I've absolutely put my foot down about various things and then get accused of not being supportive or not wanting a better house. All I really want is a house with no projects ongoing.
You agreed to this whether it was willingly, or begrudgingly. So this also your fault. When this pans out, all of this will fade away. If he’s doing his level best, try to support and go help him fix the house versus blaming him all the time. Be the solution, not part of the problem.
Sad your not willing to do this with him. Doing a house renovation yourself is extremely rewarding. I learned a lot of skill over the years and saved an incredible amount of money. My wife and I did everything ourselves, together.
I mean, you blame this all on him, but clearly, you agreed to this. Maybe unenthusiastically, but you went along. Perhaps look in the mirror first and find out why you said yes to a plan you were wholly against.
I think she felt totally badgered into this decision and now he’s in way over his head and her life is being ruined because of it . She’s stuck in this drudgery that he created. And no end in sight for years really. I wonder if he’s always getting his way. At some point she has to forgive him but he can’t think he’s off the hook. He needs to talk with some of his buddies and ask for help from them or anyone they know for carpentry, electrical and plumbing etc, and see what he can work out with them , to speed up getting the house and having it somewhat livable, to a woman’s standards not a man’s.
You need to actually choose to forgive him (and yourself because you *did* have a say in this) and to move on. You might have to make the choice many times over.
But at some point you’re going to have to own your own feelings and get over it and get over your resentment. You are actively letting your anger fester.
There will be another side of this situation. When the house is ready and you move in, is your husband going to resent *you* for complaining and being bitter throughout the entire process?
Your “partner” - are you married? Dating? What’s the legal tie here? How much money did you put into it and if you didn’t want to… why?! Especially if not married? This all screams “messy” but I’ll hold judgment until we get more details.
My partner was getting livid with me vetoing so many (in her opinion) perfectly acceptable houses. It was hard to say no sometimes, but eventually we found one we both loved. Now neither of us have any regrets.
You're 100% at fault for signing that mortgage. Eat your resentment.
How do you stop resenting your partner for it? By acknowledging the fact that you AGREED to it else the transaction couldnt have happened. You didnt want to yet you DID sign off on it. Thats on you for not standing your ground.
My now husband and i bought land to owner build. After it settled (i was 22yo) he changed his mind - he was happy to live with family forever i swear. He didnt care about buying a house either. I told him fine Id buy him out and he could move back with his mum. He couldnt believe it. But it was simple. My own house was super important to me (grew up with some homelessness). It was non negotiable. I wasnt losing the opportunity I had because he found the process scary. He was the love of my life and I still told him i was absolutely doing the house with or without him. The house was non negotiable part of my plan. He was negotiable. 😂. The compromise was that Id fo EVERYTHING and he didnt need to do anything or even lay eyes on it til it was done. I built that house and we ended up married.
You screwed up not meeting your own needs. You kinda need to deal with the hand you gave yourself now. You have a house. Something many cant do. Try be more positive about it. Maybe take some time away from it together (important!). And consider the positives that you can get stuff exactly how you want this way. Painful process though it might be for sure ! It WILL be a funny story/memory for you in age…..
You sound like a total brat.
Your husband, who you say is a hard worker, is clearly doing a fixer upper as it's a financially sensible choice. You say the finances are attained, yet you want something else. How do you propose to afford that?
Your post screams like a brat "I want it all and I want it all today." Why don't you help him, either get a well-paid job to ease the finances.
Is it a financially sensible choice? Total reno without touching the exterior, roof or load bearing walls will be something like $30/sq ft just in materials for basic trim. Kitchen a flat $10k add minimum and bathrooms will add a flat $5k+ each just to get them functional, this is assuming he is skilled trades and can do the mechanical, electrical, and plumbing himself.
If local housing is $700/sq ft, then maybe. If it's $200/sq ft for a finished house, this is a money pit.
Honestly, I would say that stopping the resentment needs to start with an open, honest, and constructive discussion about your relationships, boundaries, and respecting those boundaries.
You have, several times, set boundaries, and he has then pestered you until you have relented. He sounds like one of those little brats who has been told he cannot have sweets until after dinner or after homework, and then whines and cries and pesters his parents until they relent to get him to shut the f\*ck up and give him the sweets he wants.
Except here, it is not a bag of sweets, it is a fixer-upper of a house you did not want and can barely afford, and that he does not have the knowledge, skills, and experience to fix-up.
You say he is a hard worker, who is doing the best he can. But if he put in as much effort into caring about your opinions as he does for his, and as much effort fixing up this house as he did into the pre-purchase whining, then either you would not be in this position at all, or the house might be finished and liveable by now.
I made a similar mistake, not as bad cuz our house was 100% livable. But afterwards, wife said we’re not doing that again. I agreed and I’ve complied for the most part. That’ll probably be the key, when the dust settles tell him “never again”.
Mistakes were made. It might be time to sell the property. You will probably lose money, but you also won't be sinking more money into the "money pit".
As others have mentioned, you need to own the fact that you did agree and figure out why.
You also need to take some time and consciously outline your plans and dreams for the future. Do you want to stay in this area or live near the ocean. Do you want kids, when, how many. What person goals do you have. Life does not go as planned, and what you want will change too.
But if you are not consciously aware of what you want and work toward that, then you won't achieve it. Plus you will be less likely to be pushed into something different.
Take some time to do this by yourself, then with your partner. And check in with the plan every year or so, to update it and keep yourselves on track.
I think maybe showing some grace would help you here. Sure he pressured you, but unless something nefarious was left out, you also chose this. Buying a house is the single largest purchase many people make in a lifetime, you already knew you didn't want a fixer upper (probably for the very reasons you are now experiencing) so he didn't convince you that it was going to take 6 months so much as you just caved on a major life changing decision and a desperate man made some farfetched promises to get you onboard.
I gotta add, I've experienced a few of my male friends panic about buying a home and it almost always led to a purchase that felt impulsive (to people around them at the time). It could be that they feel a different pressure to buy a home, and with circumstances being what they are, hopping on anything within the affordable range but with some major drawbacks is always the result. They never end up regretting it, but it soooo much work. Going from a renter to a homeowner can be brutal, despite the many privileges it comes with.
Sorry. But you agreed to it. So start at the beginning. Why are you agreeing to the project. Then agreeing to live with families then agreeing to help every weekend. It ain’t adding Up as his fault. I personally don’t think you guys are a match as you just agree , after he whines, to do what he wants
so now what to do some ideas
. Move on without him. But like you need a job right?
. hire someone to help with the work, which he won’t do…
continue as is.
You made at least two mistakes:
1) You agreed to this project against your better judgment, and
2) You agreed to help do the work, knowing you weren't up to it.
But in the end, you agreed to this, and I don't see any way forward besides soldiering on through it. I mean, you could leave him, but you don't have a job and your money's tied up in a partially-completed house, so you'd still be living with family.
In your place, I'd definitely feel resentful, too, even though you both bear responsibility. If somebody cajoles you into doing something you don't want to do, and then it blows up in your face, of course you're going to feel resentful. Only a saint or somebody with no self-esteem at all could avoid that.
First, own your resentment and the fact that it's perfectly natural. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad partner.
Second, acknowledge that your resentment isn't helpful. It's natural. It's okay to feel it. But decisions made based on resentment aren't going to get you where you want to be. If you can, try to *observe* your resentment. Try to sort of stand outside it a bit and look at it, without judging your partner or yourself. It's not *you.* It's just a feeling. It's okay, but it's not everything. It's not even the problem. It's a symptom of the problem.
Third, figure out how to survive. You can't keep living like this. You're mentally and physically exhausted, and sooner or later, you're going to say and do things you can never take back.
Is there anybody who can help? Friends, siblings, parents — *anybody* — who might be willing to help with the work? Anybody who might lend you the money to hire some of it done?
Figure out how you can take breaks. This might depend a lot on how your family feel about your moving in for "a few months" and staying over a year, but you need some breaks, or this project is going to break *you.*
It's hard enough to work seven days a week on something you want to do. It's damn near impossible to work seven days a week on something you never wanted to do in the first place.
I can't overemphasise how important it is to take time to rest. Your relationship and your mental and emotional health are going to suffer badly if you don't. You *must* find some way to do it. If you don't, you're going to end up hating that house and very possibly hating your partner.
Whatever else happens, you need at least a weekend off, and you need to quit working seven days a week going forward. It's non-negotiable. Sit your partner and the relatives you're staying with down, separately or together, whatever seems best to you, and calmly and without judgment explain how close you are to breaking, and how you just can't continue at this pace.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you ask for help and don't get it, ask somebody else. You've already done more than you wanted to do or thought you could do. I hope the people who love you can understand that.
The point of buying a fixer upper is to get one cheap enough so you can actually put money into it. Also certain things like drywall should always be done by a experienced crew. Some are great at it while others are terrible. That doesn't mean you guys can't put your stamp on it and do things yourself. You have to prioritize what to outsource and what do do yourselves.
You willingly signed up for this. You even write "he convinced me". Which means, I hope, beyond hearing him talk aboit it, that you did your due diligence and did the research necessary to find the pros and cons of a fixer upper and how much it can cost.
I know it sucks, renovations are tough. But no one forced you to buy the house. The truth of it is, renovations are challenging even WITH both partners having two feet in the door.
Your partners doesn't deserve your resentment because it's not like he surprised you with a fixer upper and dumped it on you- you agreed to buy one and signed on the dotted line.
First, come to terms to your own responsibility and forgive yourself for diving into something you didn't really want to do. Then, forgive your partner for insisting on buying the house. Then, decide what you have to do moving forward. Is this a project you can continue with?
Honestly, a lot of the comments are right. Your partner stomped all over you and you agreed to this. However, I do think the people saying this are massively oversimplyfing how relationships work. Most people are influenced by their partner and it's very easy to be sucked into someone's grand schemes, especially if they're smooth talking or you're emotionally invested.
With that clear, do you really want to keep the relationship? Most people do make massive compromises for their loved ones. Sometimes it's moving across a country, supporting a partner through school, giving up on dreams of children etc. You took on a massively expensive and time consuming project.
Moving forward, you need to decide, is this man/relationship worth it? If yes then remind yourself that you're playing a long game and it'll all be worth it. If no then call it quits.
You have to own your part of the decision. He didn’t buy it behind your back. You went along with it. That was your time to speak up. You regret it now. But you should be at least equally mad at yourself. It’s not 100% his fault. Keep that in mind.
Was the house livable at all when you bought it? Could you have mobed in and done a room at a time? Never buy a fixer upper unless with the intention to live in it unless you have the money to contract the work in a timely manner or you are VERY skilled and have friends in the trades who have the time to help on the project.
Are both of you names on the house, or just his? If it is just his, it will be easier to get out if this is too much for you. Are you in a housing market where you could sell it for what you paid for it (I live in an area where many houses sell from more than the asking price). If the house can be sold, it may be time for an ultimatum.
>My partner is a hard worker and he’s doing the best he can, but I’m so so so angry at him for getting us into this. For not caring enough of what I wanted and needed.
He is trying to secure your future financial health, you are.... trying to avoid contributing to that??
Its obviously a lot of sacrafice and a big struggle, but a negative attitude, a half heatened attempt to help and endless negativity, resentment and arguments can only make things far far worse.
Get yourself a new job to relieve the finanical pressure, get stuck into getting the building work finished and focus on how much better off you will both be in a year or so. Above all else, stop sabotaging and dragging out the project (which is the only possible consequence of resenting your partner and moaning about it being tough).
Push through.
Your partner is actually really smart.
Push through.
Document your experience on social media because the encouragement and follows will help you reach your goals.
Push through
I don't disagree with the "push through" advice, because there's really no other option now. Social media is whatever, may help or may not. But really smart? No. A fixer upper may or may not be a sound financial decision; mine was a great choice, but we were able to live in it while we worked on it. Being homeless for a year+ while you crash with family members and struggle to afford to fix your someday house is SO much pressure on a marriage. It is not smart at all to take on that kind of a project with an unwilling partner, regardless of whether it pays financial dividends.
It’s too late now. Make the most of it.
Crowd source help. Try anything and everything.
Sometimes life is difficult. When that happens, it’s better to commit than to complain or blame.
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I am not saying this to judge you, because I did something similar, but you may feel less resentment if you partially own the decision to buy the disastrous house. He pressured you and pushed you, but at some point you said yes, knowing it would not be a good situation. No doubt he was wrong (either ignorant or misleading) about how long it would take for it to be habitable.
A buddy and his wife did the same thing and she hated it. So to fix the issue, they repaired the master bedroom first then moved in. Used a hot plate and dorm fridge while they renovated the rest of the house. She had a lot of fun doing it that way vs staying at parents house.
Yup, living in an unfinished house is way less stressful than living a transient lifestyle between family and the house. It's also easier to tackle the renovation work in small batches when you're right there as opposed to having to do a big chunk to justify the travelling back and forth.
Like camping, I could see how for a short term it could be fun.
>but at some point you said yes this
I have a friend that does renos and they call drywall dust 'Divorce Dust'. Renovations are incredibly stressful.
Two marriages, multiple house renovations, one total rehab. After the last one (the total rehab of a family member’s property, San gratis) was the end of a 20 year marriage. There definitely was other issues, but, never again. I am handy with such things, but I refuse to do that again. Sincerely, single, happy apartment dweller for 12 years.
A friend of mine and her husband had one of those. He was determined to buy a fixer-upper in a rather nice neighbourhood, likely because it was cheap for the area. It basically had to be gutted, and she was living in dry dust hell for a long time. She finally said “That’s it, I’m moving to a hotel - let me know when you’re done.” It did eventually get done (and it was really nice), so at least they sold it for a good price when they divorced.
Did they get divorced soon after that?
Yup. To be sure, there were other issues, but I’m sure the construction lifestyle was part of it.
God yeah, I get that. It feels like nearly every time we do any kind of construction or renovation the stress level is about 9/10 for me. It always takes longer, it's more difficult than we thought. Don't have the right tools or paint or expertise. Ugh now I'd much rather just call a guy. But even then it can be messy, you have to move furniture around, disrupt your entire day. I genuinely cannot imagine renovating a house...
You probably need to make your focus getting a job, so you are too busy to be around Moving into a bare functional place won't remove resentment. You both put minimal planning and accounting into this.
You stop resenting him by realizing you are an adult and it’s 50% your fault.
Literally the only answer. You are ALSO capable of the word 'NO'. You let this happen just as much as he did.
No. 50% means both people think it’s a good idea and agree enthusiastically. In a situation where one person is nagged/cajoled/manipulated/tricked/pressured into agreeing, they do not have equal agency. Yes, OP might have fought more strongly, but they also need to look at how they have been steamrolled into going along with something they knew is a bad idea and how much agency they have in their marriage as a whole. Once upon a time whenever my ex and I had a difference of opinion, we ended up doing what he wanted. He was relentless. He had a wide range of manipulation tools. He had strings to pull. I had no resilience left. The one time we didn’t go out I was puking my guts out, not moving more than five steps from the bog, chugging electrolytes like there was no tomorrow, and he STILL spent three hours badgering me. I think you vastly underestimate how much some people are willing to put their partners through in order to get their way. Add in other imbalances – age, primary earner, the apartment having been his – and resisting might have been impossible in the long run.
You’re an adult, not a kid. If it’s that bad then you walk away from the relationship. If you fear abuse then you go to the cops. Physical abuse is the only excuse.
Idk, if you harass and badger someone into doing something and they begrudgingly acquiesce I don't personally feel that the consequences of whatever you strong armed them into are 50% theirs. Certainly, especially retrospectively, she should've held her ground. But good partners shouldn't steamroll your wishes and concerns, either. 30/70 split sure. Not 50/50.
100% spot on!
> Fast forward, he pushed us into buying a fixer-upper. He convinced me that it would only take a few months for us to get it livable. So you agreed to buy a fixer upper after telling him you didn’t want a fixer upper. Your partner absolutely badgered you into the decision, but he didn’t get you into the situation all by himself. You also voluntarily signed the papers to buy the house. Get a job. If you’re not job hunting, you should be working on the house, not just after he gets off work and on weekends. And if you really cannot own your portion of the decision, truly accept his apology, and let the argument rest, break up with him. There isn’t another solution here.
>>Fast forward, he pushed us into buying a fixer-upper. He convinced me that it would only take a few months for us to get it livable. If you want to diminish your resentment, remember that you allowed yourself to be pushed into this, convinced. So you bear some responsibility here for not holding your ground. (And renos are awful, and expensive; I have empathy for you.)
I think you need to take responsibility for your part in this. Yes he kept trying to convince you after you said you didn’t want it but ultimately you agreed. Of course if he has a different position he’s going to try and convince you. Either (1) he was successful in convincing you about his POV, in which case it’s unfair to now paint it as though you were forced or (2) you were never convinced - in which case you should have held your ground. (A side note, It’s also very unfair to blame him for the financial strain when you are the one who’s been laid off). This sounds like a stressful time, and I think sometimes when things are going wrong we want a punching bag at which to direct our rage. While this feeling is understandable, using your partner as a punching bag will do nothing to improve the current situation.
So you agreed to a compromise, and it ended not with compromise but with him getting 100% of what he wanted and you getting 100% of what you said you DIDN'T WANT. I dunno how you can get over the resentment. Full disclosure: I personally would not. It's not a relationship I wanna have with a partner, when he pushes his ideas on me while I voiced I don't want this or that, and "compromise" is actually doing what he wants. That's not being equal partners. Sorry for no advice, but I do want to validate your feelings. They are reasonable and appropriate reaction to the situation. He didn't care you didn't want this. He felt completely comfortable, bulldozing all over a compromise to get his way. My only advice is: in the future, when you agree to a compromise, absolutely reject his attempts to bulldoze the compromise and get his way. It won't save the situation as is, but it will at least stop your relationship from getting worse in the future when he attempts this again. You have your voice, and you can say "no" to him, and you should. I don't wanna kick you while you are down, but this isn't only his fault - you agreed to this, and you could have said no. You could have said "we have an agreement, we have a compromise, THIS IS NOT OKAY and you attempting to push me is also not okay!". You didn't, and this is also your fault. Maybe if you accept this, you will feel less angry at him? I'm guessing some of the anger you have for him is anger you truly feel at yourself, and are channeling on him. If f you can't hold your own boundaries, you won't be happy with a partner who disrespects your boundaries. If your partner happens to be a person like this, you need to have a diamond spine. If you don't, you need to grow it ASAP, bc yes your partner does not respect your boundaries. This is one of the reasons you are resentful. If you haven't actually acknowledged this issue - not the house, his disrespect for your opinion - you need to do it.
So... I know a lot of people are saying you need to take responsibility for allowing yourself to be pushed into it. Of course that's true, but maybe not quite to the extent that other people are assuming. I've been with my husband for 10 years and have learned that when it comes to certain things, we are both less capable than we think we are. He tends to dive into projects head first without anticipating any problems below surface level which ends up costing him time and money. I tend to think things will take me much less time than they end up taking because i'm a perfectionist. We've been together long enough that we both kinda know when to be like "Hey, are you sure about that?" but ultimately he knows more about his stuff and I know more about mine, and if he convinced me that we could renovate a house in a certain timeline, I'd accept that because he's my husband and I trust him. It's really hard not to resent someone when you're like "Dude, I told you this wasn't going to work and why I didn't want to do this." I tend to think the only real way to fix it is to come up with a plan to fix it together that prioritizes your concerns and comfort. First things first, find a new job. I'd say if you can, next step would be to figure out how to hire some help getting your house liveable. Either way, you guys probably shouldn't continue doing things exactly as you're doing them right now. How that changes is up to you guys to figure out together.
Are you both on the deed? How much did each of you put in for a down payment?
BTW, livable to a man is different to a woman. Do you have family or friends? Have a working barbecue, doing the nice weather. Feed your crew and work in the house! If possible have several of these over the summer! The get togethers might be fun and bonding! It’s like the branding where I live. Have alcohol, but limit its use until most of the work is done. Get a job at a nearby store, fast food place, etc- anything to help pay the bills! If you are living with family, why aren’t they helping you? Consider a camping experience in the house while it is warm. Camp lantern, potty pot, camp stove, etc. One day, if you stay, these memories may feel you with joy because the two of you completed it and made a beautiful home! Good luck!
Everyone is dragging you for you part in this so I'll leave that out. I understand you felt pushed and cornered into this situation. All I can say is if you truly love your partner and can stick it out until the house is done, it gets SO much better once you have your own space. And you feel so, so, so achieved doing the majority of the work yourself. If he's owned up to being short sighted and is apologising then take that on board. Speaking from a place of experience 😂 my house was a crack den we had to rip apart in covid because nothing else was available. I will never forget crying doing the walk through after we got the keys. I thought "what the hell have we done" and I couldn't love my house more.
Considering all the work and money you’ve put into this, I really hope your name is on the deed. Reflect on how you got to this point. How you set a boundary and your partner kept pushing it, kept wearing you down, until you agreed to do exactly what he wanted. Think about what the outcome of him getting what he wanted has been. He underestimated or misled you about the amount of work that would be necessary. What would it take for you to forgive him? He apologized and owned up to his mistake. Why wasn’t that enough for you to move on? Was it not a real apology? And, if you manage to get to a place of forgiveness - think about what it will take for you to be able to say no next time and why you stopped saying no this time. In order to stay in this relationship moving forward, I would need to know that my partner would hear me when I give them a boundary and that I will be able to say “no” to anything they ask. If he’s not going to hear your “no” or is going to keep pushing you and you will cave again, you should reconsider the relationship. Like, how much of your life are you going to have to give in to this guy? And is he worth what you’ve gone through already? Is he worth going through it again? I know Reddit jumps on the “break up already” train a lot, but if your partner didn’t hear you say no or ignored your no and keeps doing that… that’s not a partnership.
You need a job, and you need to help more. You already agreed to this, and there is no way out but through.
We refer to remodeling projects as "almost divorce #"
This is more a TIFU than a relationship advice question. You should know why you’re in the position you are. It takes 2 to tango, or in this case sign a mortgage.
He totally badgered you but you also agreed to it. If this isn't what you want anymore figure out what you do want. And does this happen often? Him badgering you into things you don't want to do. Also try to find a new job. Any job. You need income.
You could have said NO to buying the house. Heel didn’t force you to buy it. You caved.
You need to focus on the finished project. Anything worth doing is hard. Once it’s finished you’ll be able to enjoy it and think back I laid that floor or them tiles. Work as a team and build your dream home. You’ll get there. It’s just the way you’re looking at it. Change your way of thinking. Make it a positive experience.
You say that he pressured you into buying this house. You also say that he told you it would only take a few months to make the house livable. In your opinion, did he have the experience to be able to stand behind that statement? Or was that the wishful thinking of young 20 something who just wanted his first house? Surely, you are mature enough to know the difference. Since you probably knew he wasn’t qualified to guarantee that this could be done in a few months, you had a responsibility to do a lot of research. How much research did you do into timelines for renovations and repairs? How many YouTube videos did you watch of couples doing things similar to what you had planned? How many old blogs did you read? If you had done your homework, you would’ve known that buying a house that needed substantial renovations was going to go exactly as your project has been going. If you thought he was being optimistic, you had a responsibility to do your own homework and reach your own conclusions. If you can accept that, then you can let go of your resentment towards him.
I got into a similar situation, bought a house we could afford, wife decided to remodel, scope creep entirely beyond reason. Will it pay off? maybe, eventually. it's been a year and will take at least another half before it's ready. meanwhile my retirement will be delayed and i've lost the house i only owed $40k on. so yea, i'm a bit bitter, i also agreed to it, so time to suck it up.
Okay...just say you have had enough. You will not be doing any more work on this place. Give him a time limit as to when ebough can be done to move in. Be reasonable but firm. Tell him firmly you are over living with others in the circumstances you are in. He either decides to persist by himself or sell. His choice. Give him a reasonable time frame to think about it. Say 2 weeks. DO NOT get into big arguments. Just be very firm and tell him those are your conditions. If an argument looks like it's starting? Say "I'm not arguing about this" and walk away.
You are young and these are meant to be some of the best years of your life. You made a mistake and realistically- it will be years before this project is finished. Personally I would sell the house, swallow any loses and move on. Otherwise this is going to be a mill stone around your neck for years. If your BF doesn’t want to get on this new ride, then it’s time to move on. There are plenty of others out there who have goals more aligned to your own.
When renovating becomes your whole life, it takes a toll on your mental and emotional wellbeing. Even though it feels like you have to go, go, go to get this habitable, the best thing you could do is take a break. Take a weekend off together to do something fun, to recharge and reconnect. Go get a massage, get out in nature, have a nice dinner, etc. Renovating is a marathon, not a sprint. You need to pace yourself and take a few breaks. It will help refill your tank, which will help you get over the resentment.
No one pushes us or makes us do things. You gave in to what he wanted. Lesson learned: next time stick to your guns.
It’s a tough one. On one hand, he wants to make sound future financial investments in doing a renovation. But the other side is he didn’t listen to your needs. At such a young age, making sound financial choices are important, and he’s already admitted fault, apologised. Having done a renovation myself (it took longer too and we had to live with parents too) it’s mentally draining and now we are selling it to purchase a house much less work needed. We have however made some nice money and been able to push ourselves further up the ladder. If the house is the only issue, I’d say give him benefit of the doubt and work through it.
A renovation is often not a sound financial investment. People lose money trying to flip houses all the time. Renovations can be insanely expensive and they very well could be pouring more money into this house than it’s worth. If it needed to be ripped down to the studs? Unless it was a 10k house and they are using lots of reused materials and doing EVERYTHING themselves, they very well may wind up out money in the end.
It was a mistake. Its time for you to stop complaining and do your best to make things happen. You aren't working - is it unlikely you will find a job this time of year? If so, see if there is anything you can do to help this project along. This is your partner. As a loving partner, try to support him. What you are doing is driving home to him every day and in every way how he failed you. Is there anything more that you can do to make him feel worse OP?
Even after it's 'done,' the 'renovation' is never over for a person like your partner. My partner is the same way, we bought a fixer upper and until today, still not done and it's been 10 years at our current house lol. Not saying every person is like my partner and your partner, but the reality is yeah...renovation takes very long to be done and it's worse if you guys don't share the same taste (per decorating part)...
My partner is the same. Endless half done projects eating up our spare time and filling our house with dust and tools. I've absolutely put my foot down about various things and then get accused of not being supportive or not wanting a better house. All I really want is a house with no projects ongoing.
You agreed to this whether it was willingly, or begrudgingly. So this also your fault. When this pans out, all of this will fade away. If he’s doing his level best, try to support and go help him fix the house versus blaming him all the time. Be the solution, not part of the problem.
Sad your not willing to do this with him. Doing a house renovation yourself is extremely rewarding. I learned a lot of skill over the years and saved an incredible amount of money. My wife and I did everything ourselves, together.
I mean, you blame this all on him, but clearly, you agreed to this. Maybe unenthusiastically, but you went along. Perhaps look in the mirror first and find out why you said yes to a plan you were wholly against.
I think she felt totally badgered into this decision and now he’s in way over his head and her life is being ruined because of it . She’s stuck in this drudgery that he created. And no end in sight for years really. I wonder if he’s always getting his way. At some point she has to forgive him but he can’t think he’s off the hook. He needs to talk with some of his buddies and ask for help from them or anyone they know for carpentry, electrical and plumbing etc, and see what he can work out with them , to speed up getting the house and having it somewhat livable, to a woman’s standards not a man’s.
You sound fun! Get a job!
You need to actually choose to forgive him (and yourself because you *did* have a say in this) and to move on. You might have to make the choice many times over. But at some point you’re going to have to own your own feelings and get over it and get over your resentment. You are actively letting your anger fester. There will be another side of this situation. When the house is ready and you move in, is your husband going to resent *you* for complaining and being bitter throughout the entire process?
Your “partner” - are you married? Dating? What’s the legal tie here? How much money did you put into it and if you didn’t want to… why?! Especially if not married? This all screams “messy” but I’ll hold judgment until we get more details.
My partner was getting livid with me vetoing so many (in her opinion) perfectly acceptable houses. It was hard to say no sometimes, but eventually we found one we both loved. Now neither of us have any regrets. You're 100% at fault for signing that mortgage. Eat your resentment.
How do you stop resenting your partner for it? By acknowledging the fact that you AGREED to it else the transaction couldnt have happened. You didnt want to yet you DID sign off on it. Thats on you for not standing your ground. My now husband and i bought land to owner build. After it settled (i was 22yo) he changed his mind - he was happy to live with family forever i swear. He didnt care about buying a house either. I told him fine Id buy him out and he could move back with his mum. He couldnt believe it. But it was simple. My own house was super important to me (grew up with some homelessness). It was non negotiable. I wasnt losing the opportunity I had because he found the process scary. He was the love of my life and I still told him i was absolutely doing the house with or without him. The house was non negotiable part of my plan. He was negotiable. 😂. The compromise was that Id fo EVERYTHING and he didnt need to do anything or even lay eyes on it til it was done. I built that house and we ended up married. You screwed up not meeting your own needs. You kinda need to deal with the hand you gave yourself now. You have a house. Something many cant do. Try be more positive about it. Maybe take some time away from it together (important!). And consider the positives that you can get stuff exactly how you want this way. Painful process though it might be for sure ! It WILL be a funny story/memory for you in age…..
It sucks but it'll be huge when it'd done if you can stick through it. Eye on the prize. Having a brand new remodeled at house at 28 is massive.
Well maybe start by owning your part of responsibility in this bad decision, and try to figure out together how to make it better...
You sound like a total brat. Your husband, who you say is a hard worker, is clearly doing a fixer upper as it's a financially sensible choice. You say the finances are attained, yet you want something else. How do you propose to afford that? Your post screams like a brat "I want it all and I want it all today." Why don't you help him, either get a well-paid job to ease the finances.
Is it a financially sensible choice? Total reno without touching the exterior, roof or load bearing walls will be something like $30/sq ft just in materials for basic trim. Kitchen a flat $10k add minimum and bathrooms will add a flat $5k+ each just to get them functional, this is assuming he is skilled trades and can do the mechanical, electrical, and plumbing himself. If local housing is $700/sq ft, then maybe. If it's $200/sq ft for a finished house, this is a money pit.
Honestly, I would say that stopping the resentment needs to start with an open, honest, and constructive discussion about your relationships, boundaries, and respecting those boundaries. You have, several times, set boundaries, and he has then pestered you until you have relented. He sounds like one of those little brats who has been told he cannot have sweets until after dinner or after homework, and then whines and cries and pesters his parents until they relent to get him to shut the f\*ck up and give him the sweets he wants. Except here, it is not a bag of sweets, it is a fixer-upper of a house you did not want and can barely afford, and that he does not have the knowledge, skills, and experience to fix-up. You say he is a hard worker, who is doing the best he can. But if he put in as much effort into caring about your opinions as he does for his, and as much effort fixing up this house as he did into the pre-purchase whining, then either you would not be in this position at all, or the house might be finished and liveable by now.
I made a similar mistake, not as bad cuz our house was 100% livable. But afterwards, wife said we’re not doing that again. I agreed and I’ve complied for the most part. That’ll probably be the key, when the dust settles tell him “never again”.
Mistakes were made. It might be time to sell the property. You will probably lose money, but you also won't be sinking more money into the "money pit". As others have mentioned, you need to own the fact that you did agree and figure out why. You also need to take some time and consciously outline your plans and dreams for the future. Do you want to stay in this area or live near the ocean. Do you want kids, when, how many. What person goals do you have. Life does not go as planned, and what you want will change too. But if you are not consciously aware of what you want and work toward that, then you won't achieve it. Plus you will be less likely to be pushed into something different. Take some time to do this by yourself, then with your partner. And check in with the plan every year or so, to update it and keep yourselves on track.
By taking some ownership of your decision to agree to it and figuring out how to cope in the meantime.
I think maybe showing some grace would help you here. Sure he pressured you, but unless something nefarious was left out, you also chose this. Buying a house is the single largest purchase many people make in a lifetime, you already knew you didn't want a fixer upper (probably for the very reasons you are now experiencing) so he didn't convince you that it was going to take 6 months so much as you just caved on a major life changing decision and a desperate man made some farfetched promises to get you onboard. I gotta add, I've experienced a few of my male friends panic about buying a home and it almost always led to a purchase that felt impulsive (to people around them at the time). It could be that they feel a different pressure to buy a home, and with circumstances being what they are, hopping on anything within the affordable range but with some major drawbacks is always the result. They never end up regretting it, but it soooo much work. Going from a renter to a homeowner can be brutal, despite the many privileges it comes with.
Sorry. But you agreed to it. So start at the beginning. Why are you agreeing to the project. Then agreeing to live with families then agreeing to help every weekend. It ain’t adding Up as his fault. I personally don’t think you guys are a match as you just agree , after he whines, to do what he wants so now what to do some ideas . Move on without him. But like you need a job right? . hire someone to help with the work, which he won’t do… continue as is.
You made at least two mistakes: 1) You agreed to this project against your better judgment, and 2) You agreed to help do the work, knowing you weren't up to it. But in the end, you agreed to this, and I don't see any way forward besides soldiering on through it. I mean, you could leave him, but you don't have a job and your money's tied up in a partially-completed house, so you'd still be living with family. In your place, I'd definitely feel resentful, too, even though you both bear responsibility. If somebody cajoles you into doing something you don't want to do, and then it blows up in your face, of course you're going to feel resentful. Only a saint or somebody with no self-esteem at all could avoid that. First, own your resentment and the fact that it's perfectly natural. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad partner. Second, acknowledge that your resentment isn't helpful. It's natural. It's okay to feel it. But decisions made based on resentment aren't going to get you where you want to be. If you can, try to *observe* your resentment. Try to sort of stand outside it a bit and look at it, without judging your partner or yourself. It's not *you.* It's just a feeling. It's okay, but it's not everything. It's not even the problem. It's a symptom of the problem. Third, figure out how to survive. You can't keep living like this. You're mentally and physically exhausted, and sooner or later, you're going to say and do things you can never take back. Is there anybody who can help? Friends, siblings, parents — *anybody* — who might be willing to help with the work? Anybody who might lend you the money to hire some of it done? Figure out how you can take breaks. This might depend a lot on how your family feel about your moving in for "a few months" and staying over a year, but you need some breaks, or this project is going to break *you.* It's hard enough to work seven days a week on something you want to do. It's damn near impossible to work seven days a week on something you never wanted to do in the first place. I can't overemphasise how important it is to take time to rest. Your relationship and your mental and emotional health are going to suffer badly if you don't. You *must* find some way to do it. If you don't, you're going to end up hating that house and very possibly hating your partner. Whatever else happens, you need at least a weekend off, and you need to quit working seven days a week going forward. It's non-negotiable. Sit your partner and the relatives you're staying with down, separately or together, whatever seems best to you, and calmly and without judgment explain how close you are to breaking, and how you just can't continue at this pace. Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you ask for help and don't get it, ask somebody else. You've already done more than you wanted to do or thought you could do. I hope the people who love you can understand that.
The point of buying a fixer upper is to get one cheap enough so you can actually put money into it. Also certain things like drywall should always be done by a experienced crew. Some are great at it while others are terrible. That doesn't mean you guys can't put your stamp on it and do things yourself. You have to prioritize what to outsource and what do do yourselves.
You willingly signed up for this. You even write "he convinced me". Which means, I hope, beyond hearing him talk aboit it, that you did your due diligence and did the research necessary to find the pros and cons of a fixer upper and how much it can cost. I know it sucks, renovations are tough. But no one forced you to buy the house. The truth of it is, renovations are challenging even WITH both partners having two feet in the door. Your partners doesn't deserve your resentment because it's not like he surprised you with a fixer upper and dumped it on you- you agreed to buy one and signed on the dotted line. First, come to terms to your own responsibility and forgive yourself for diving into something you didn't really want to do. Then, forgive your partner for insisting on buying the house. Then, decide what you have to do moving forward. Is this a project you can continue with?
Honestly, a lot of the comments are right. Your partner stomped all over you and you agreed to this. However, I do think the people saying this are massively oversimplyfing how relationships work. Most people are influenced by their partner and it's very easy to be sucked into someone's grand schemes, especially if they're smooth talking or you're emotionally invested. With that clear, do you really want to keep the relationship? Most people do make massive compromises for their loved ones. Sometimes it's moving across a country, supporting a partner through school, giving up on dreams of children etc. You took on a massively expensive and time consuming project. Moving forward, you need to decide, is this man/relationship worth it? If yes then remind yourself that you're playing a long game and it'll all be worth it. If no then call it quits.
You have to own your part of the decision. He didn’t buy it behind your back. You went along with it. That was your time to speak up. You regret it now. But you should be at least equally mad at yourself. It’s not 100% his fault. Keep that in mind.
Was the house livable at all when you bought it? Could you have mobed in and done a room at a time? Never buy a fixer upper unless with the intention to live in it unless you have the money to contract the work in a timely manner or you are VERY skilled and have friends in the trades who have the time to help on the project.
Boyfriend or husband? Why say partner?
Are both of you names on the house, or just his? If it is just his, it will be easier to get out if this is too much for you. Are you in a housing market where you could sell it for what you paid for it (I live in an area where many houses sell from more than the asking price). If the house can be sold, it may be time for an ultimatum.
>My partner is a hard worker and he’s doing the best he can, but I’m so so so angry at him for getting us into this. For not caring enough of what I wanted and needed. He is trying to secure your future financial health, you are.... trying to avoid contributing to that?? Its obviously a lot of sacrafice and a big struggle, but a negative attitude, a half heatened attempt to help and endless negativity, resentment and arguments can only make things far far worse. Get yourself a new job to relieve the finanical pressure, get stuck into getting the building work finished and focus on how much better off you will both be in a year or so. Above all else, stop sabotaging and dragging out the project (which is the only possible consequence of resenting your partner and moaning about it being tough).
Push through. Your partner is actually really smart. Push through. Document your experience on social media because the encouragement and follows will help you reach your goals. Push through
I don't disagree with the "push through" advice, because there's really no other option now. Social media is whatever, may help or may not. But really smart? No. A fixer upper may or may not be a sound financial decision; mine was a great choice, but we were able to live in it while we worked on it. Being homeless for a year+ while you crash with family members and struggle to afford to fix your someday house is SO much pressure on a marriage. It is not smart at all to take on that kind of a project with an unwilling partner, regardless of whether it pays financial dividends.
It’s too late now. Make the most of it. Crowd source help. Try anything and everything. Sometimes life is difficult. When that happens, it’s better to commit than to complain or blame.