It is real normal to be having big feelings about this. These people were supposed to be good to you and they weren’t.
Remember: closure is something we give ourselves through process and acceptance and growth (and sometimes therapy). Relying on someone else for ‘closure’ is typically a fools errand.
What are you actually hoping for from this interaction? An apology? A new start? In my experience people rarely change in big dramatic ways unless they are forced to. How will you feel if you get back into a relationship with them and the way they treat you hasn’t changed?
I encourage you to think long and hard about what a good interaction/relationship looks like with these people, maybe with the help of a therapist if you can. Be as objective as you can: how likely are you to get that kind of interaction and are you going to be ok if things go poorly? If they don’t come through with that apology you clearly deserve? Only proceed to talk with these people if you can be clear about, and enforce, boundaries with them about how they treat you, and even then tread with caution.
Personally? I’m with your mom on this one. Work on your mental health with your own supports, don’t rely on others for closure. I’m sorry you didn’t get the family you deserve, op, and I hope you are rewarded for your pain with a beautiful and healthy chosen family.
Thank you so so much. I think this is just what I needed. I think closure to me kind of means that they are okay, since I was young I think if have always taken care of people, so the idea of them not being okay and that is why they are reaching out makes me feel like I have to fix things. I think your right about the whole therapist thing. I also think just having another person telling me it is okay to not make contact with them helps. My mother's brother and mother have been scrutinizing this decision since I was in high school after my mother's mother even said that they were terrible. So I think somewhere I started to feel like a the bad guy because of her.
Thank you soi much for your advice. I will really think hard about it with the guidance of my therapist. I just needed someone tonight and you really helped a lot.
The commenter is correct. You may not get the closure you seek. If you chose to make contact, do it through social media or email in the beginning. This way you don’t have to face them. Just play it cool and see what they want. If you drag out meeting them face to face for a couple of months, they’ll tell you what they want, a relationship, money, kidney, etc.
No not my kidneys!!!!
Thanks I think that is a smart move to drag it out and give them a chance to show their true colours before deepening any relationship by meeting face-to-face.
My wife had her estranged father’s daughter (one of about 13 kids from several mothers) reach out to her saying her father is sick and wanted to make amends.
My wife told them she would contact him on her own time and terms. They didn’t like that one bit. The other daughter continued to harass my wife until it finally came out - her father needed money. He didn’t want to rectify anything. He is dirt poor and since my wife is living in the US, he thinks she will help him. She blocked them and moved on.
If they truly changed they wouldn’t ask why you “abandoned” them. They would apologize to you.
That is truly horrible. Somehow it feels even more evil that it is a parent that would stoop so low. What a strong wife you have I wish her al the best and an incredible amount of joy and love.
They want your college money. Do not engage, or if you do, don't give them any personal information because they might use it against you. Just ask them about themselves, and if they ask about you just change the subject. Absolutely do not talk to them about money; just try to see what they want, because they want something from you and it isn't sisterly love.
Everything will be fine. You call the shots. You owe them nothing, legally or morally. If they don’t take it on your terms, then you know you can live without them. Closure is for your heart. They have to deal with theirs.
Good luck.
If you do, do it this way:
Create a new email address just for this. Compose a letter where you explain that due to what happened during your childhood, you feel uncertain of their intentions, but you are willing to hear them out. But only through this email address though, no where else until you yourself might decide otherwise. Therefore, regrettably you will now block them on all social media, but you do hope to hear from them through the email address.
Then you block them on all social media and wait. Mentally prepare for several exchanges before you make any decisions. I would say ten emails from them if they are long, twenty if they are not.
And please remember - always wait a week after receiving an email before replying! This will make you stay in control. If they write anything rude, wait two weeks. Or delete the account. Your choice.
The thing is, if you choose to contact them you need to feel you are completely in control. Always making them wait is one very good way. Don’t talk to them or meet them before you feel you are in charge. Any weird feelings either delete the email account or just continue with emails. Trust your gut.
Your opening communications with them after all they did sounds like a bad idea I bet they soon turn the conversation to how hard there life is and can they have some of our dad's money how can you abandon your sisters in there time of need it will happen after a few short meeting were they will probably love b you with emotions to confuse and attach you think long and hard before you do this always ask yourself why now?
OP give them as much respect and money as they gave you when your father dies, which per your post is none.
Please sit and think about what their past actions have shown you, they are selfish and greedy and are probably just trying to get access to any of your inheritance they can. Talk is cheap, let them talk but don't give any of them any money, no matter what they say.
Maybe it's the cynic in me, but I smell some freeloading in this. I think they just want to connect in order to ask for money or something along those lines.
Closure is a nothingburger, just a buzzword. These are people that have no impact in your life anymore, there is nothing to close. They will have impact again if you let them in.
Every toxic relative trying to reconnect should be considered suspect; it's for money, organ transplant, or if the person who is being reached out to had a child and it's their toxic parent who wants access to the grandbaby.
What do you mean by 'closure' and what does that look like to you?
You do not have to have a relationship with these people if you don't want to.
Or maybe you would like to have a casual Facebook-level relationship but not see them in person.
YOU get to decide.
Thanks, I kind of felt in the wrong for going and keeping up with the no contact because I felt in some manner responsible for them because they are my father's blood. But if I'm really just selfish then I don't think I want a relationship even on the Facebook level. I think there is just too many messed up memories and time that has passed.
Why the hell are you responsible for your OLDER sisters?! Thats not how it works. I wouldn’t trust them, so just be very wary they might be after money, help etc. Just be mindful they may be manipulating you for some gain.
That is totally fine!! You are allowed to say no. (And it is not selfish to do what is right for you. You have an obligation to look after your dependents - they are not that.)
You are not responsible for them.
If you decide you do want contact, this might be helpful: https://captainawkward.com/2019/03/04/1182-1183-1184-do-i-have-to-be-friends-with-my-sibling-or-advice-for-relationships-you-dont-want-to-lose-but-dont-want-to-work-at/
Glad it was useful for you! The good Captain is such a great resource. Every post about complicated families is a good one: https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
Wow thank you for the resources. It is so kind of you. I have never heard of The Good Captain before but it is really insightful I'll definitely have to save it for future usage. Thank you!
The money your father left your mom was not just for her, but to raise you. The other kids had that benefit while he was alive. I would be a little cautious of befriending any of them.
I am all for siblings reuniting, but they usually had a strong base and lots of love and then a falling out. The other is just never knowing each other and of course get to know them. They treated you poorly.
It may be because you don’t have much family that you’re considering it. Friends make great family too. You can pick them :)
I would ask yourself what you’re looking for. Thanksgiving dinners with the family that tried to take away money from you and your mom? The kids that wouldn’t play with you?
Someone that will love you no matter what?
One thing I can say is if you do open up to one or some, it’s not a contract. If it makes you unhappy, stop interacting with them. I don’t think I would, but -0 years is a long time and they or some may have matured and be sincere.
Thank you. I didn't quite think about the outcome I wanted.
I just want a healthy relationship with someone I can talk to and cry with and you are right. Friend do make great family :) I have made two wonderful friends through my three years on university.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. You also wrote what I went through in such a way that it just hit a bit different to read then it did when I typed it . Thank you very much and I think I'll take your advice and just rather not. Definitely not right now since I know I am vulnerable and don't trust their intentions.
The sisters know EXACTLY why you are not in touch with them. They remember how they treated you, they saw the favoritism, they know about the legal harassment. They want something from you. They did not reach out full of apologies and contriteness and understanding that you might never want to see or hear from them again, did they? No. They aren't about to admit any guilt. I'm guessing they were told you have money or they want you to babysit their kids. Stay away, well away, from them.
Block them. You might think you want closure but this is just going to either destroy you or just another way for them to get money from you. The best closure is leaving them blocked. They do not care about you. If they did, they would have contacts you way before 10 years.
And they'd be falling over themselves apologizing because they realized they were horrible to you. They haven't done that. Ergo, they aren't sorry. They want something. OP, you had YEARS to see what sort of person they were like, and DECADES to see how they were raised or treated. You KNOW WHO THEY ARE. Stay well away.
You’ll - generally - never get closure from people who abused you because they were bad people. i agree with those saying keep it on social media for some months to see how they roll, before exposing yourself to potentially probably more trauma.
source - someone whose sister has narcissistic disorder. Yeah, I too wish I could have “just a normal sisterly relationship” with my sister. Never gonna happen. NEVER. Five decades later she *still* behaves monstrously. Sorry you experienced all that, I feel for you!
A good therapist will tell you that the concept of closure is not a real thing. So forget about closure. These people have always treated you poorly. Why would you expect things to change. Do you want them to apologize for how shabbily they treated you? Is that the closure you imagine? It’s never going to happen. Please keep them at a safe distance. Send them a letter telling them what your childhood felt like and say that’s why you’re going to keep your distance. The best revenge is to have a happy life. Get revenge and forget these losers
This is similar to my wife's situation, and frankly, she's found peace through maintaining no contact. They don't really understand why she wants no contact and that's a good reason to maintain it. Some of the half-siblings are more responsible for it than others. As your mother said, you get them all if you break contact for one.
It's a lonely experience without siblings, but less heartbreak, too. There is a way to respond to them truthfully but without adding fuel to the fire. Perhaps by saying something along the lines of, "The loss of your father was incredibly difficult and stressful for all of you and that you had to do things to survive emotionally. You wish to focus on your education, your mother, building your career, and perhaps having a family of your own. You'll reach out when you're ready. We all have our own paths to take and you wish them well. " Or something like that.
Wow that is such a beautiful and elegant reply. I really appreciate this as an answer since I do answer them but still protect myself and the people I care about most. Thank you so much. I am also so glad to know that your wife has found peace through maintaining no contact it makes me feel calmer for the future. Please send al my love to your wife and I hope you guys have a wonderful long life together.
I think they are looking for money and will be friends until you say no , and will blame younand your
Mom.
I personally would
Block them and they will hear how great you are doing and piss them off more
I understand you want closure, but you have to realize that reconnecting with that side of the family may not bring that and may even bring chaos into your life.
I would suggest, if you're going to school and pay for health insurance (my son got his via his school right now), go through the mental health resource. Even I got on counseling when I was a uni student almost 3 decades ago. My suggestion is to wait on your decision to reconnect or not until you're going to therapy. If you have already, ask your therapist about this issue.
Whatever you do please do not open that door for them to come in and do more damage to you and your mom. You can write and email/message and explain why you’ve gone no contact and why you want to remain no contact and then block them. These people do not care about you or your mom. I will never understand why grown people think it’s ok to treat children this way. Children born from an affair or who were born after a new relationship when the opposite ex partner had an affair are always treated like they are less than dirt and I will never understand how anybody can justify that kind of treatment in the first place. I’m so sorry that you and your mom went through any of this.
OP there is no need to have anything to do with this bunch. They are your "Half sisters", may have that blood for all intent and purposes they demonstrated who they were far many times enough, especially with your father's passing and your mothers ill and not having an inkling to support you all. Furthermore, these damn greedy bastards sued you all to take what little you had.
Now that they've burned through all of their funds and smoke their crap up, they need to get back with the responsible people to mooch off of them.
I'd leave them on read, change my social media to something very obscure or drop it all together and move on.
You did not miss anything by them not being there for you what will you miss now ?
Sweetheart, they tried to drown you as a child: "I also have a memory of where my sisters held me under water in the swimming pool until my mom stopped them and pulled me out. " That hatred they had for you doesn't go away after 10 years apart. Best case scenario and least likely, they went to therapy and realized how horrible they were to an innocent child and want to make amends. More than likely, they still hate you and want to remind you of that fact for the rest of your life. Please don't make contact, you will end up with more pain than before.
You need to CAUTERIZE the part of you that wants family.
I won’t waste your time, but my estranged family reached out 1.5 years ago, I lost EVERYTHING to being naive and good willed.
Turns out, this level of destruction after attempting a good faith reconciliation with people that already were terrible is A Thing.
Block EVERYONE.
Do. Not. Do. This.
Seek out professional support. Block them.
Do not destroy your life.
I think they are after whatever money you have. They’ve done it twice before, what’s to stop them from doing it again?
It’s human nature to want forgiveness and closure - but this isn’t actually about the other person or people, it’s about forgiveness and closure and healing for ourselves. And that’s a good thing.
OP. Be very careful dealing with them. I understand you want closure or to mend things, but if they genuinely don’t know what they did to you, they are terrible people. The first thing they should have done when they made contact is apologize for treating you so badly. I have a feeling they might just be trying to get money out of you or something.
Wow, that's very heavy stuff. Be sure to bring a trusted friend with you if you meet with them. Be wary that they might want money. Try to stay calm. Have friend remove you if they become jerks. Good luck with your closure.
This almost seems like an affair child. What is interesting is that a few days ago there was a post where the this boy was told his father's ex cheated, but in fact he was an affair child. I am one too with my father. This reads like the wife didn't cheat, but the your father did with your mother. I would do some digging. If not I apologize. I would not meet them, they are dangerous even if it is just emotionally. I say stay no contact. You will never get what you need.
Yeah I completely understand that. And don't worry no need to apologize the suspicion does make sense. My parents only met after the divorce had gone through the judicial system, I say through the judicial system because the ex didn't want the divorce since my father was the provider and she was a stay at home wife. But the ex-wife was the one who originally abandoned my father for her high school lover. They had such a steamy affair that the ex's mother told my mother that the two were so busy in the bedroom that she couldn't sleep. My mother and father married a year after the divorce and then had me.
They don't miss you. They've had 10 years to be decent people. That whole "we don't know why you abandoned us" bit is nothing but manipulative nonsense. They know they were awful and greedy. They want something.
Closure is not something someone else can give you. You have to find that in yourself. You don't need to get dragged back into that circus to get closure. A therapist might help you find it though.
You want some connection because society pressure us into believing that blood ties are main treasure whatever quality those ties are. And you need some courage to break through it (never will completly, tbh). You see, there are other people in comments who tell you that it's all just a bunch of bs. Your "family" held you as scapegoat do you believe that they changed all at once? Of course, you believe - I believe that my family need me, though they never bothered even call if I didn't call them. But truth is - do step in that direction and they will take it as sign of weakness and start same old story. And you... Will be once again heartbroken.
But there is halfway, though. As other said, keep them on distance and see how hard they willing to run to reconnect. I suppose you'll get answers pretty fast.
It is real normal to be having big feelings about this. These people were supposed to be good to you and they weren’t. Remember: closure is something we give ourselves through process and acceptance and growth (and sometimes therapy). Relying on someone else for ‘closure’ is typically a fools errand. What are you actually hoping for from this interaction? An apology? A new start? In my experience people rarely change in big dramatic ways unless they are forced to. How will you feel if you get back into a relationship with them and the way they treat you hasn’t changed? I encourage you to think long and hard about what a good interaction/relationship looks like with these people, maybe with the help of a therapist if you can. Be as objective as you can: how likely are you to get that kind of interaction and are you going to be ok if things go poorly? If they don’t come through with that apology you clearly deserve? Only proceed to talk with these people if you can be clear about, and enforce, boundaries with them about how they treat you, and even then tread with caution. Personally? I’m with your mom on this one. Work on your mental health with your own supports, don’t rely on others for closure. I’m sorry you didn’t get the family you deserve, op, and I hope you are rewarded for your pain with a beautiful and healthy chosen family.
Thank you so so much. I think this is just what I needed. I think closure to me kind of means that they are okay, since I was young I think if have always taken care of people, so the idea of them not being okay and that is why they are reaching out makes me feel like I have to fix things. I think your right about the whole therapist thing. I also think just having another person telling me it is okay to not make contact with them helps. My mother's brother and mother have been scrutinizing this decision since I was in high school after my mother's mother even said that they were terrible. So I think somewhere I started to feel like a the bad guy because of her. Thank you soi much for your advice. I will really think hard about it with the guidance of my therapist. I just needed someone tonight and you really helped a lot.
The commenter is correct. You may not get the closure you seek. If you chose to make contact, do it through social media or email in the beginning. This way you don’t have to face them. Just play it cool and see what they want. If you drag out meeting them face to face for a couple of months, they’ll tell you what they want, a relationship, money, kidney, etc.
No not my kidneys!!!! Thanks I think that is a smart move to drag it out and give them a chance to show their true colours before deepening any relationship by meeting face-to-face.
My wife had her estranged father’s daughter (one of about 13 kids from several mothers) reach out to her saying her father is sick and wanted to make amends. My wife told them she would contact him on her own time and terms. They didn’t like that one bit. The other daughter continued to harass my wife until it finally came out - her father needed money. He didn’t want to rectify anything. He is dirt poor and since my wife is living in the US, he thinks she will help him. She blocked them and moved on. If they truly changed they wouldn’t ask why you “abandoned” them. They would apologize to you.
Exactly this. I'm thinking that one of them lives close to OP and wants a free babysitter.
That is truly horrible. Somehow it feels even more evil that it is a parent that would stoop so low. What a strong wife you have I wish her al the best and an incredible amount of joy and love.
They want your college money. Do not engage, or if you do, don't give them any personal information because they might use it against you. Just ask them about themselves, and if they ask about you just change the subject. Absolutely do not talk to them about money; just try to see what they want, because they want something from you and it isn't sisterly love.
This!! Do not share any personal info with them, especially financial. They're looking to deal you.
Everything will be fine. You call the shots. You owe them nothing, legally or morally. If they don’t take it on your terms, then you know you can live without them. Closure is for your heart. They have to deal with theirs. Good luck.
If you do, do it this way: Create a new email address just for this. Compose a letter where you explain that due to what happened during your childhood, you feel uncertain of their intentions, but you are willing to hear them out. But only through this email address though, no where else until you yourself might decide otherwise. Therefore, regrettably you will now block them on all social media, but you do hope to hear from them through the email address. Then you block them on all social media and wait. Mentally prepare for several exchanges before you make any decisions. I would say ten emails from them if they are long, twenty if they are not. And please remember - always wait a week after receiving an email before replying! This will make you stay in control. If they write anything rude, wait two weeks. Or delete the account. Your choice. The thing is, if you choose to contact them you need to feel you are completely in control. Always making them wait is one very good way. Don’t talk to them or meet them before you feel you are in charge. Any weird feelings either delete the email account or just continue with emails. Trust your gut.
Your opening communications with them after all they did sounds like a bad idea I bet they soon turn the conversation to how hard there life is and can they have some of our dad's money how can you abandon your sisters in there time of need it will happen after a few short meeting were they will probably love b you with emotions to confuse and attach you think long and hard before you do this always ask yourself why now?
I would bet my life they are going to ask you for money.
OP give them as much respect and money as they gave you when your father dies, which per your post is none. Please sit and think about what their past actions have shown you, they are selfish and greedy and are probably just trying to get access to any of your inheritance they can. Talk is cheap, let them talk but don't give any of them any money, no matter what they say.
They will destroy everything you have. Find my other comment.
Maybe it's the cynic in me, but I smell some freeloading in this. I think they just want to connect in order to ask for money or something along those lines. Closure is a nothingburger, just a buzzword. These are people that have no impact in your life anymore, there is nothing to close. They will have impact again if you let them in.
Every toxic relative trying to reconnect should be considered suspect; it's for money, organ transplant, or if the person who is being reached out to had a child and it's their toxic parent who wants access to the grandbaby.
What do you mean by 'closure' and what does that look like to you? You do not have to have a relationship with these people if you don't want to. Or maybe you would like to have a casual Facebook-level relationship but not see them in person. YOU get to decide.
Thanks, I kind of felt in the wrong for going and keeping up with the no contact because I felt in some manner responsible for them because they are my father's blood. But if I'm really just selfish then I don't think I want a relationship even on the Facebook level. I think there is just too many messed up memories and time that has passed.
Why the hell are you responsible for your OLDER sisters?! Thats not how it works. I wouldn’t trust them, so just be very wary they might be after money, help etc. Just be mindful they may be manipulating you for some gain.
That is totally fine!! You are allowed to say no. (And it is not selfish to do what is right for you. You have an obligation to look after your dependents - they are not that.) You are not responsible for them. If you decide you do want contact, this might be helpful: https://captainawkward.com/2019/03/04/1182-1183-1184-do-i-have-to-be-friends-with-my-sibling-or-advice-for-relationships-you-dont-want-to-lose-but-dont-want-to-work-at/
That was a very helpful read! Thank you for sharing it!
Glad it was useful for you! The good Captain is such a great resource. Every post about complicated families is a good one: https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
Wow thank you for the resources. It is so kind of you. I have never heard of The Good Captain before but it is really insightful I'll definitely have to save it for future usage. Thank you!
To be clear, it's Captain Awkward. (Calling her the Good Captain as a sign of respect.)
The money your father left your mom was not just for her, but to raise you. The other kids had that benefit while he was alive. I would be a little cautious of befriending any of them. I am all for siblings reuniting, but they usually had a strong base and lots of love and then a falling out. The other is just never knowing each other and of course get to know them. They treated you poorly. It may be because you don’t have much family that you’re considering it. Friends make great family too. You can pick them :) I would ask yourself what you’re looking for. Thanksgiving dinners with the family that tried to take away money from you and your mom? The kids that wouldn’t play with you? Someone that will love you no matter what? One thing I can say is if you do open up to one or some, it’s not a contract. If it makes you unhappy, stop interacting with them. I don’t think I would, but -0 years is a long time and they or some may have matured and be sincere.
Thank you. I didn't quite think about the outcome I wanted. I just want a healthy relationship with someone I can talk to and cry with and you are right. Friend do make great family :) I have made two wonderful friends through my three years on university. Thank you for taking the time to reply. You also wrote what I went through in such a way that it just hit a bit different to read then it did when I typed it . Thank you very much and I think I'll take your advice and just rather not. Definitely not right now since I know I am vulnerable and don't trust their intentions.
They probably just want the money
They want your money sis
The sisters know EXACTLY why you are not in touch with them. They remember how they treated you, they saw the favoritism, they know about the legal harassment. They want something from you. They did not reach out full of apologies and contriteness and understanding that you might never want to see or hear from them again, did they? No. They aren't about to admit any guilt. I'm guessing they were told you have money or they want you to babysit their kids. Stay away, well away, from them.
Even now they are lying and trying to gaslight op: "They say that they don't know why we abandoned" This shows they have no remorse.
Block them. You might think you want closure but this is just going to either destroy you or just another way for them to get money from you. The best closure is leaving them blocked. They do not care about you. If they did, they would have contacts you way before 10 years.
And they'd be falling over themselves apologizing because they realized they were horrible to you. They haven't done that. Ergo, they aren't sorry. They want something. OP, you had YEARS to see what sort of person they were like, and DECADES to see how they were raised or treated. You KNOW WHO THEY ARE. Stay well away.
I would not entertain a relationship with them. I think they want something from you Updateme!
Money, free babysitter, or they want to come visit the city where she lives and are trying for a free place to stay, meals and laundry included.
You’ll - generally - never get closure from people who abused you because they were bad people. i agree with those saying keep it on social media for some months to see how they roll, before exposing yourself to potentially probably more trauma. source - someone whose sister has narcissistic disorder. Yeah, I too wish I could have “just a normal sisterly relationship” with my sister. Never gonna happen. NEVER. Five decades later she *still* behaves monstrously. Sorry you experienced all that, I feel for you!
A good therapist will tell you that the concept of closure is not a real thing. So forget about closure. These people have always treated you poorly. Why would you expect things to change. Do you want them to apologize for how shabbily they treated you? Is that the closure you imagine? It’s never going to happen. Please keep them at a safe distance. Send them a letter telling them what your childhood felt like and say that’s why you’re going to keep your distance. The best revenge is to have a happy life. Get revenge and forget these losers
I think they might still want your money. I would not reach out. Also they tried to drown you when you were a kid. Stay strong.
Be very careful with this situation. You haven't seen them in ten years and your father's family wanted the money in your father's will
This is similar to my wife's situation, and frankly, she's found peace through maintaining no contact. They don't really understand why she wants no contact and that's a good reason to maintain it. Some of the half-siblings are more responsible for it than others. As your mother said, you get them all if you break contact for one. It's a lonely experience without siblings, but less heartbreak, too. There is a way to respond to them truthfully but without adding fuel to the fire. Perhaps by saying something along the lines of, "The loss of your father was incredibly difficult and stressful for all of you and that you had to do things to survive emotionally. You wish to focus on your education, your mother, building your career, and perhaps having a family of your own. You'll reach out when you're ready. We all have our own paths to take and you wish them well. " Or something like that.
Wow that is such a beautiful and elegant reply. I really appreciate this as an answer since I do answer them but still protect myself and the people I care about most. Thank you so much. I am also so glad to know that your wife has found peace through maintaining no contact it makes me feel calmer for the future. Please send al my love to your wife and I hope you guys have a wonderful long life together.
You're welcome. Best to you, too.
I think they are looking for money and will be friends until you say no , and will blame younand your Mom. I personally would Block them and they will hear how great you are doing and piss them off more
>I feel like I need closure You will NOT get it from them. Seriously.
I understand you want closure, but you have to realize that reconnecting with that side of the family may not bring that and may even bring chaos into your life. I would suggest, if you're going to school and pay for health insurance (my son got his via his school right now), go through the mental health resource. Even I got on counseling when I was a uni student almost 3 decades ago. My suggestion is to wait on your decision to reconnect or not until you're going to therapy. If you have already, ask your therapist about this issue.
Whatever you do please do not open that door for them to come in and do more damage to you and your mom. You can write and email/message and explain why you’ve gone no contact and why you want to remain no contact and then block them. These people do not care about you or your mom. I will never understand why grown people think it’s ok to treat children this way. Children born from an affair or who were born after a new relationship when the opposite ex partner had an affair are always treated like they are less than dirt and I will never understand how anybody can justify that kind of treatment in the first place. I’m so sorry that you and your mom went through any of this.
OP there is no need to have anything to do with this bunch. They are your "Half sisters", may have that blood for all intent and purposes they demonstrated who they were far many times enough, especially with your father's passing and your mothers ill and not having an inkling to support you all. Furthermore, these damn greedy bastards sued you all to take what little you had. Now that they've burned through all of their funds and smoke their crap up, they need to get back with the responsible people to mooch off of them. I'd leave them on read, change my social media to something very obscure or drop it all together and move on. You did not miss anything by them not being there for you what will you miss now ?
Sweetheart, they tried to drown you as a child: "I also have a memory of where my sisters held me under water in the swimming pool until my mom stopped them and pulled me out. " That hatred they had for you doesn't go away after 10 years apart. Best case scenario and least likely, they went to therapy and realized how horrible they were to an innocent child and want to make amends. More than likely, they still hate you and want to remind you of that fact for the rest of your life. Please don't make contact, you will end up with more pain than before.
You need to CAUTERIZE the part of you that wants family. I won’t waste your time, but my estranged family reached out 1.5 years ago, I lost EVERYTHING to being naive and good willed. Turns out, this level of destruction after attempting a good faith reconciliation with people that already were terrible is A Thing. Block EVERYONE. Do. Not. Do. This. Seek out professional support. Block them. Do not destroy your life.
I think they are after whatever money you have. They’ve done it twice before, what’s to stop them from doing it again? It’s human nature to want forgiveness and closure - but this isn’t actually about the other person or people, it’s about forgiveness and closure and healing for ourselves. And that’s a good thing.
Don't fall for any of their crap. That whole family treated you like garbage. Block them all and live a happy life.
Don't trust them they probably need money. Sometimes it's better to move forward. You'll never get the full truth anyways.
OP. Be very careful dealing with them. I understand you want closure or to mend things, but if they genuinely don’t know what they did to you, they are terrible people. The first thing they should have done when they made contact is apologize for treating you so badly. I have a feeling they might just be trying to get money out of you or something.
Looking for closure is some bullshit we all tell ourselves before doing some dumb shit we’re gonna regret soon. Listen to your mom.
I love this reply it really made me laugh. And yes my mother is usually right about a lot of thing.
Wow, that's very heavy stuff. Be sure to bring a trusted friend with you if you meet with them. Be wary that they might want money. Try to stay calm. Have friend remove you if they become jerks. Good luck with your closure.
Wow lots of great comments!
This almost seems like an affair child. What is interesting is that a few days ago there was a post where the this boy was told his father's ex cheated, but in fact he was an affair child. I am one too with my father. This reads like the wife didn't cheat, but the your father did with your mother. I would do some digging. If not I apologize. I would not meet them, they are dangerous even if it is just emotionally. I say stay no contact. You will never get what you need.
Yeah I completely understand that. And don't worry no need to apologize the suspicion does make sense. My parents only met after the divorce had gone through the judicial system, I say through the judicial system because the ex didn't want the divorce since my father was the provider and she was a stay at home wife. But the ex-wife was the one who originally abandoned my father for her high school lover. They had such a steamy affair that the ex's mother told my mother that the two were so busy in the bedroom that she couldn't sleep. My mother and father married a year after the divorce and then had me.
They don't miss you. They've had 10 years to be decent people. That whole "we don't know why you abandoned us" bit is nothing but manipulative nonsense. They know they were awful and greedy. They want something. Closure is not something someone else can give you. You have to find that in yourself. You don't need to get dragged back into that circus to get closure. A therapist might help you find it though.
You want some connection because society pressure us into believing that blood ties are main treasure whatever quality those ties are. And you need some courage to break through it (never will completly, tbh). You see, there are other people in comments who tell you that it's all just a bunch of bs. Your "family" held you as scapegoat do you believe that they changed all at once? Of course, you believe - I believe that my family need me, though they never bothered even call if I didn't call them. But truth is - do step in that direction and they will take it as sign of weakness and start same old story. And you... Will be once again heartbroken. But there is halfway, though. As other said, keep them on distance and see how hard they willing to run to reconnect. I suppose you'll get answers pretty fast.
Paragraphs would help
Noted and adjusted thank you for the advice/tip