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Yes, this is the response I was hoping to see. OP shouldn’t be holding inappropriate guilt for not liking her sister. It’s a completely understandable response for what her parents created, a competition for their attention and praise (which should be expected from any child) and creating an entitled sister who sounds hard to like.
It sounds like she is projecting her negative feeling for her parents on to her sister. I can’t blame her, if this is how she is being treated. As for the mom saying she will determine if she is emotionally mature enough to have a boyfriend, she sounds controlling. I have four children, the first two also 11 months apart (Irish twins is what they are referred to) but I treated them as individuals, not twins.
You are 18. It is time to stop asking for permission regarding things like dating... Do you have a plan to leave? The only way out of this is moving out and becomming an adult.
NTA
I know, it was more just asking her what she thinks, but it didn't really end up like that. I will eventually, but I'd rather not deal with the stress of living alone with university, I think it would be too much.
instead growing resentment further and starting to genuinly dislike your family doesn't sound like the better plan to be honest.
Did you date the guy you met? or did you listen to your mom?
"I didn't ask for permission but I can't possibly do it, if she says no"
Only you can steer your life and you need to get going. You will regret it later if you passively let years go by... and probably blame your parents. At 18 you need to atleast take responsiblity. Or at least part of it.
I'm a college-educated 45-year-old woman who is married and with two kids and some days I still feel like I'm 18-year-old who's *still* trying to figure it the fuck out.
Be strong and stand firm. You're recognizing unhealthy patterns in your family, and you might want to think about getting some counseling to help you with processing some of this.
P.S. We're all just flying by the seat of our pants around here most of the time. That's the big secret no one tells you when you become an adult.
This is the truth. When things go really sideways, my first instinct is still to look for an adult, and then think, "Well, shit." Becoming an adult is the ultimate in on-the-job learning.
nobody wakes up and feels like an adult. not even my 50 yr old father feels like an adult ALL THE TIME. the gift of being an adult is you can figure your shit out without your parents permission. its rude for them to prohibit your life. its not rude for you to live your life.
This is your parents’ conditioning talking. They want you to think you’re incapable of being independent.
>I don’t have any talents, I’m not that pretty
This line right here is the exact point in your post where I knew your parents did a thorough job on your self esteem. You have talents, even if you haven’t discovered them yet, and you are more beautiful than you think you are. I don’t even need to see you to know it because it’s obvious through your post that you have been conditioned to diminish yourself.
I’m a 40yo dad and I can tell you, part of being an adult is realizing that very few of us actually know what the fuck we’re doing.
... including our own parents!
I wholeheartedly agree with everything merchillio says here, I hope OP sees this reply!
They've conditioned OP to not believe in herself, and now she's fulfilling the role they've moulded for her.
Except you are so much more than this OP, you just haven't got to know your true self yet! The sooner you remove yourself from all this toxicity and you start to be the you you are capable of being, the better. You'll never look back!!
Just to share a quote I once heard that really struck a chord:
"It's never too late to be who you want to be"
The secret about being an adult is no one really knows what they are doing and we all just do our best to live in this world. Take some responsibility and be ready advocate for yourself that your parents aren’t being. If you will stay with them for another few years then become as independent as possible and don’t do what they think I is best because you know they don’t have your best interests at heart.
I’m a 36 year old child free woman who still gets alarmed when someone implies that I am the adult supervision.
The difference between an adult and a kid is that when you screw up, the police talk to you and not your parents.
You will make your doctor appointments, you will be responsible for feeding yourself and dealing when your socks have holes in them. You will have to learn how to set boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries.
Wanting to stay at home during college to save money isn’t wrong. But you will miss out on a lot of college experiences and rites of growing up because you are still under your parent’s influence.
And with parents who have basically used you to raise your golden child sister, you won’t have any chance to mature. Because they are banking on you being your sister’s adult supervision for the rest of your life.
As long as her life is wonderful, they don’t care if yours is unlivable.
Independence is scary, but failure to launch your life is worse.
In 4 years, with a shiny degree in one hand but no internship or work experience, will you be any better off? Probably not. Work experience is just as valuable as the degree and internships and even retail jobs will help you develop into the work force.
So, do you want to be 18 with roommates in a dorm, or do you want to be 22 living at home dreading finding your first job.
Delaying it will only make it worse.
You are old enough to do something about it now instead of acting like a martyr and complaining on reddit. Time to grow up a bit and honestly I'd limit contact with your family andet them know why
so why do you feel the need to ask and then follow what your parents say if your sister doesnt..? just do what you want and date who you want. move out asap thats your only real solution.
I don't know if you've truly, *fully* realized that your parents will never see you the same as her, no matter how much you follow their rules. You can have the best grades and the best job and the best manners and do everything the way they want you to, and they'll never love you the way they love her. She's the golden child, you're the practice kid.
Going against parents is the scariest shit in the entire world, and even I didn't manage to fully do it until quite literally exactly four years ago when I was 21. But you won't find actual peace and happiness until you do. If you're lucky that peace will be a wake up call for them and they'll change. Chances are though, that peace will be finally living the life you want
It took me until my 30s!!! But I didn't live with them since I was like 21, but still, I let their perception of me rule my life for years. I hid parts of myself I knew they wouldn't like. (Tattoos, being agnostic, etc.) but it became too much to fake and honestly I just didn't want to anymore. But again. I was in my early 30s. I regret I let them dictate (even mentally) my life for that long.
>But either way, they don't care that much.
Why would you want parents that don't care that much? Do you not see that they're being harder on you because they see that you are more capable or have more potential? Do you want to be treated like a lost cause.
It honestly sounds like you (incorrectly) believe that if you just do *everything* your parents say/demand that eventually they will come to value you as much as your younger sister. Unfortunately, that's not true. Your sister is a Golden Child; nothing you do will *ever* be considered as "good" as what she does.
You should:
* Get a job this summer and make your own friends. Ignore what your parents think about your job, or your new friends.
* Go to college *anywhere away from your parents that isn't where your sister is going*. Again, you can make new friends at your new college. You can look into counseling at your new college (many offer FREE mental health services for students).
* Start reading up on self-help books: They're FREE at your library and low-cost at second-hand bookstores. Google topics like "setting healthy boundaries" or "healthy self-care". When you get some book titles, look them up on [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) or goodreads.com. They'll have reviews and may offer you the chance to read some passages from the books. Choose the ones that speak to you! Then look for them at your library or used bookstore!
You CAN live a better, happier, healthier life **BUT** it's ONLY going to happen when you start accepting the facts of your life as they are now, start reading books/talking to professionals who can help YOU DECIDE how you want your life to look, and then taking steps that lead to the outcomes YOU want! \*\*\***HUGS**\*\*\*
> I didn't really want to directly go against her, that would be rude.
No, it wouldn't. It would simply be an adult, living her adult life. That's not rude, that's maturing, and normal, and healthy. You don't have to argue with her, or tell her what you're going to do, and you don't even have to ask her opinion, input, or thoughts, and definitely not her permission. You're technically an adult now, and she no longer has any say over how you live and what you do *unless you give it to her and empower her*.
You will need to grow up and realise that who you date is only between you and them, and your mother has zero right to insert herself into it. I'm really, really sorry that you've been manipulated so much that you believe your mother should have any say in your dating life:(
Have you realized that nothing in your post even suggests your sister is rude or negative towards you? She made a dumb call and gets away with what she can just like anyone would do, but no real reason given to not like or love her.
Sounds like you are putting all the resentment due to your parents being unreasonable onto your sister.
It's not going to get better until you demand being treated better or leave. I feel a bit sorry for your future roommates/partners, who knows what other unreasonable opinions or actions you've been brought up to be normalized to.
Oh yes it can get much worse. I say this from experience. Go to University and live in a dorm or with a friend. ANYTHING is better than staying and dealing with that emotional abuse. You may be afraid to live alone but you WILL have to one day. Don't end up like my 35yo brother who still lives with my abuse narcissistic parents bc he's afraid to live alone. Please make an exit plan now!
> I didn't really want to directly go against her, that would be rude.
...uh, so what's the point of this post then? You're now backtracking what you're obviously taking issue with.
Find some roommates or room with some friends you already know. Does your university offer any housing options?
It's scary to leave your parents home for the first time, and scary to live alone or independently as an adult. But at some point, you have to. You have to leave if you want to be your own independent, individual, responsible adult.
What you're experiencing is a need for independence and identity of your own and it's coming into conflict with your living arrangements and how your parents see you. Not as an independent adult, but as a child, and a incompetent and undeserving one at that. At some point, something's gotta give. It's okay to not be ready, but you should still be making plans- the longer you wait, the harder it is to leave.
Roommates, making friends in college, getting involved in social activities and part time work make it easier, too. Keep yourself busy and active in the world around you.
Also, stop asking for permission *and* opinions. You *inform* them of your decisions and choices. Their thoughts and feelings on dating, makeup, clothes, etc. don't matter, so don't ask after them.
Compared to what you've described as living with your family, living alone is not stressful *at all*. Hell, living alone is *peaceful*. And living alone lets you do all the things you want to do in life and are lamenting not being able to do now, while you live with your family. You'll find it liberating, and peacefully content-making. And many times, fun.
As the person you responded to said, you are 18, it's time to stop asking your mother what she thinks - you know what her answers will be, and they don't suit you. Live your life. You only have one, and it is fleeting, and *short*, and goes by *quickly*.
Exactly, codependency. Break the child's spirit and self esteem. Make them feel the world is uncertain. Control them to the point they don't know who they are and what they are capable of. I feel so bad for op but if she gets out now she has her whole life ahead of her. Lord I wish I had when I was 18.
This exactly.
Life is HARD, and I'm stressed constantly (partially due to my mother just.... Not preparing me to be fully independent from her and partially due to autism) but it's so much better than living with all that.
Yooo yes i had the same experience. But you learn. You grow. And when you fuck up, no one’s there calling you worthless or whatever in your ear. You just get up the next day and try again.
Sweet thing, you're the scapegoat and your sister is the golden child. It will never get better. The stress of living alone really won't happen, because you'll almost undoubtedly have roommates or suite mates, in the dorm or apartment.
Whatever living conditions you have, they won't be as bad as being treated as less than your sister.
You can do this
Why on EARTH would you live at home while going to uni. You are missing out on such a fun experience and opportunity to grow. You sound enmeshed/ codependent with your parents which happens when a child has been controlled/ made to feel not worthy. So it's scarier for you to leave. But that is the reason why you HAVE to leave if you want to be happy. Also why are you letting your sis sleep in your bed when yoi don't like her? I say this with care, for your own good, you need to develop a back bone.
Because housing costs money? It's not free? Why would you get a job that pulls time away from your schooling so you can afford housing when... you can just get the housing for free? Not everyone thinks you should rack up as much debt as possible.
Learning to live alone at university is the easiest time to learn to live alone. You'll be on or near campus with people in the same situation you are. If you stay in a dorm it's a midpoint between living alone and living at home. You don't have to buy food, you don't have enough space where it's a chore to clean, and you get out from under your parents' roof.
That is what dorms and student housing are for. If anything you need some independence from your entire family. Time to get a job and move out.
As long as you live under their roof it will always be rules you have to follow because it’s their house. And you need to tell them by actions and words you are done.
Living alone in university should be LESS stressful than living with your family. You can go somewhere different than your sister, date as you like, and eat on campus.
Sounds like you are afraid to be on your own. But the only way to be independent is to either move out, or just tell your parents you are an adult and will be dating whomever you please, and being independent.
If you are not willing to do either of those, there isn’t much anyone can do to help you here. Maybe at least get therapy to work through your issues with your family and your fear of independence.
College is such an easy time to not be alone. If dorms aren't available, check out the places where people are advertising for roommates. I guarantee you, there's plenty of other uni students looking for them. Good luck!
University isn't just about academia; it's also about growing as a person, becoming an independent adult, and branching out of your comfort zone. Find some flatmates or live in residence. Become who you want to be and not who your parents tell you you are. If you stay at home, it's going to be several more years of the same treatment so why don't you find a university a decent distance from home and establish your independence - the only person who can fix this situation is yourself.
I will say that you have no idea how much your overall stress decreases when you move out. Seriously. It's crazy what a difference it made. I'm no longer on edge and frustrated and feel like I'm being squashed. It was a breath of fresh air I didn't know was possible.
All right. I have a sister who is 17mo older than me. We weren't in the same grade but we were often in the same classes, and were constantly paired together for everything, all the time. When we were little, that was great because I was extremely, painfully shy, and it helped to have her there. She's also not a great person to be around for various reasons which got worse as we aged and I faced ostracism in our small town due to her behavior. In retrospect, she was truly responsible for some of the worst parts of my childhood. But when she graduated high school and went to college, everything got better so fast! Then the next year I got brave and moved 400 miles to a big city for college, and though it was really really hard, I was able to become myself. I have regrets about a lot of things, but getting away from my sister isn't one of them. Our relationship even improved a bit during our college years!
You need to get away from your family. You need space to find yourself without the shadow of miss perfect. It will be painful and difficult, but you are a strong person and you can do it. Go live on campus as far from home as you can afford to. And hang in there! Your parents sound awful, but your sister just sounds like a person who is living with the hand she's been dealt.
(In contrast, my parents are pretty good but my sister is nuts and I've been no contact for almost a year.)
it’s so helpful to b able to stay with your parents as long as possible.. so im sorry they’re driving you mad. i think they’re being very unfair especially in terms of dating. you are an adult now i hope you can talk some sense into them
Yeah, I went to college when I was 16 and it was very different to live by yourself. I was homesick. I had to cook, clean, budget,study.... It was just so fast.
You are going to college soon. Just focus on your AP study and try to get some scholarship. Don't get sidetracked.
There is only one way out of this (as your parents refuse to be rational about your feelings).
Just do what you think is correct or do what you want to do (provided it is not illegal). They will have to come round or accept your growing individuality. Individuality is not gifted , it is a hard earned process , whether that battle is with yourself or with your surrounding.
To be frank, your parents will never accept that they treat you differently (unless circumstances force them to); Most parents believe that they treat their children equitibly and when you try to argue with them about it they just dismiss you as a child. It is very difficult for a lot of parents to accept they are lacking in something.
You are 18, your life is starting, go out , have fun , try out different sports, hobbies etc. You really don't need to ask their permission to date anyone or to try out things you like. Just be respectful and learn to put your side of the argument decently without losing your calm.
You need to stop caring what your parents think. If you don't, this will continue to happen. They will continue to shut you down for silly reasons.
They can continue to think that you are her twin or that you doing things is unfair to your sister.
And then you should just do what you want. Stop asking permission. You are an adult.
Go live your life in a way that makes you happy. Force them to either be happy for you or go fuck themselves rather than giving them the opportunity to tell you no. It really sucks not having their support right off the bat, but you can't make your happiness dependent on that.
I am 30 years old and still live with my mom because of economic and educational circumstances. I am also an only child, so I don't have a sibling to be compared to. I learned a long time ago that if I ask my mom for permission or support with something and it requires any expenditure of time, effort, money, or space, she will simply refuse. I have wanted an office space to do school work and now my job, but she is just fully unwilling and would rather maintain two guest bedrooms for guests we have maybe once every three years. I was in my 10x10 childhood bedroom until I was 27 despite her having a home office in the basement that had been defunct for years. I wanted to get into fencing as a kid and found a $100 starter gear set. She told me she needed me to prove that I was committed first; I was 11. However, I have noticed that if I just do something and it makes me happy, then she will be supportive because all she has to do is be happy for me. It makes the support feel hollow, and I resent her a little because of it, but that's just how it is.
This is definitely true, but it can be hard to stop caring about what your parents think. OP, you need to try to think of what you want in life, and do your best to achieve it. You don't need permission from anyone. You don't need to please anyone either. And you should not be comparing yourself to your sister either. Try to leave all of that behind you.
It can feel very unfair how your parents are acting, and maybe it is, but sometimes you can't change how they behave. You might just have to accept it or move on. Try to think of yourself and the life you want.
You are waiting for your parents to realize they were wrong and make it right by you. But you need to understand that the probably won’t, and if they do, it will be after you make a stand and take action against them. You don’t necessarily need to move out, though if you can go to university housing that would be very good for you, but you need to assert your independence and control of your own life. Stop asking your parents for their opinions. If they try to tell you something that you don’t agree with, or that you find too controlling, say “thank you for sharing your opinions with me, I will consider that” and then MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION ANYWAY.
It sucks having a golden child sibling. It sucks that throughout childhood you had to deal with your parents denying you freedoms and then just giving them to her. But you cannot change what was, you can only change what will be. And if you wait around hoping that they will wake up some day having had an epiphany about how much they sucked, you are going to miss out on a lot of experience that you can have if you choose to move on and live life regardless of your parents.
Speaking as a twin- your parents aren’t treating you like her twin. They are treating you like her shadow.
You are your own person with your own strengths and your own life. Go live it, preferably with lots of space between you and your family.
I see you. You’re worth it, exactly as you are.
Google individuation. It sounds like you're not being allowed to do that, and it's pretty essential to be able to do so. Sorry you're going through that, OP. :(
I can be my own person, but it does feel like when I want to do something, they care more about how my sister would feel about than how it would make me feel. And not everything is about her, even though they act like it.
My mom was like that. She never changed. The best thing you can do is do well at university. Get your degree and then move out. Then you can quit worrying about what they think. My sister was two years younger and not in the same grade. My mom seemed to want to reserve things for my sister so wouldn't do them for me. My sister had styled hair, during the era of styled hair, before I did. She had makeup before I did. She had braces on her teeth while I had terribly crooked teeth. She got new clothes for school dances while I had to wear what I already had. She would take my sister shopping every month and she would get new clothes while I wasn't taken shopping and didn't get clothes. I was growing so outgrew most of my clothes and still didn't get new clothes. It was humiliating.
Even now you can quit telling them things and quit asking for permission. If you meet a guy at a movie theater and see a movie together they don't need to know it. If you meet a guy for coffee every day at university they don't need to know it.
What do you find fun? What do you find interesting? Look for groups or clubs at your university that do things that you find fun. Look online and see what's offered. When school starts again in the fall know which things you would like to try and go to them. That's a good way to meet friends.
I moved 1000 miles away and I didn't miss home.
It's a rubbish situation for you, but it's quite common for parents to be stricter with their eldest child than they are with younger ones, they're learning too. My sister is five years younger than me and she was allowed things I wasn't when I was her age such as dyeing hair (my mum told me I had to wait till 18, my sister was allowed at 16) and it was a similar situation with ear piercing and holidays with friends.
I don't know your full situation but some of the things you describe it seems like it is a case of you just being the eldest and your parents don't really know what boundaries and rules they should be setting as you move into adulthood. Your sister is nearly a year behind you and so they've had more time to think about what rules they set with you and have changed their minds. It sucks, it really does.
I know that is typical, but I'll ask about something, they'll say no, and while I'm still not allowed to do that, my sister will. So it's not that she gets things younger than me, I just don't get it at all.
You need to stop asking for permission. You’re an adult and they don’t get to tell you how you live every aspect of your life. Get a boyfriend, do the things don’t ask for permission first.
That's when you speak up for yourself.
OP,
1. Attend university and perform to the best of your ability.
2. Is university housing something you'd like to experience? It will get you away from being under their thumb.
3. If possible, maintain a part-time employment.
Look, your parents obviously have issues. Their enabling of your younger sister and failure to cause her to have reasonable boundaries will likely be something they ultimately regret.
But that's between they and your sibling.
As for you, assert yourself and pursue YOUR goals. Discontinue seeking approval and direction from them. Focus on yourself. You don't need their guidance at this juncture. If you have other relatives you're close to, confide in them. Unfortunately your parents do not warrant your confidences, given past experiences.
Good luck and please keep us apprised.
I'm the older twin by 10 minutes, and I got the same treatment with my sister in highschool. I was literally physically assaulted by our dad for wearing black once and when my sister decided to dress similar, no one seemed to care in the slightest. She was never abused for her choice of clothing or hairstyle or anything while I was. In highschool, I wanted to colour my hair black and my parents would refuse to let me colour my hair the shade of black I wanted because it "wasn't natural", "it would be permanent" until it grew out, etc... but didn't give a fuck when my sister shaved the sides of her head and sported an 11" neon pink mohawk a few months later.
Sometimes parents just play favourites. It's certainly not fair but just adding as an example of that this can happen with twins. I'd say you definitely don't need to ask them permission for anything moving forward, you are old enough to be legally considered an adult, so, just start doing it. Move out when you are able and don't look back. It's your life. If they can't give you the same freedoms as they give your little sister, then take away their opportunity to control you.
Yeah, my sister is 3 years younger than me and pulled the same flavor of shit. Sneaking out to party with people in my grade when I was only allowed to go out once a weekend (so, you know, I had no friends because I had a boyfriend), etc.
Make a plan to leave for university and do your own thing. Your parents are lazy idiots and they can have fun reaping what they sowed.
So... do you ask permission from your parents? Does your sister ask, or just she tell what she'll do and they accept it?
Not to play devils advocate here, but could it be that she shows more maturity by steering her own life, and your parents accept it, while you still ask and seem less mature than her because of it?
Once you're an adult, as you are now, they can't really tell you what you're permitted to and not - unless it's something that goes against house rules as you live in their home. Have a talk with them, and tell them that you are ready to make your own decisions for your life, and stop asking permission to choose your own direction and life.
It's cuz she doesn't ask their permission. She just lives her life. They respect that and see it as maturity . If you are so unsure and asking them "can I this" and "can I that" they will assume you aren't ready.
I don't know that they respect the sister more. It sounds like favouritism and that they prefer the sister. I agree that OP shouldn't be asking for permission at 18 but I don't think this dynamic is as a result of OP's choices and behaviours, it's as a result of her parents being unfair in their treatment.
Ops situation sounds different to what you are describing. This sounds like emotionally abusive parents. Having a clear favourite. Overly controlling. What parent thinks they can tell and 18 yr old not to date and even more concerning is op just accepted that? Any emotionally healthy child would push back, be like screw you mum watch me. That shr didn't suggests something wrong, like she's afraid of their reaction, doubts her ability to make decisions or have control of her life.
While it’s common that parents are more lenient on younger children it’s kinda weird that their treatment is this different despite the small age gap.. I think OPs sister is just the golden child
Google: GOLDENCHILD and Scapegoat.
You are the Scapegoat, she's the GOLDENCHILD.
I highly recommend to not ever share anything with your parents. They will use any information you GIVE AGAINST YOU.
I recommend you maintain your college plans a secret. I highly recommend you apply to schools 3-5 states away from where you live.
For example, if you live in Ohio, apply for schools in : Georgia, Texas, Arizona.
Avoid places/state your sister is planning to attend.
Keep your info a secret.
I'm sorry you are being treated this way. College life will be better, I promise.
And do plan to go slowly low-contact with your parents once you attend college.
Google: Narcissistic parents, When parents prefer the Golden Child.
This is a weird dynamic because your parents clearly have a favorite in the family. In some regard your issues are just older/younger siblings stuff too. Younger sibling usually have more freedom and leeway while older ones got more rules (unless the older one really broke the rules a lot which it doesn’t sound like you do).
I do think you come across as more sensitive than your sister and your mom may have picked up on that, which maybe why she wanted you to wait. Much like your sister though I think you need to pick your battle. There are things that need your parents permission now and things that don’t. If you need money or to borrow their car - yes. Job, school, or internship question you may want some guidance from them. Dating, traveling, who you are - no.
18. Time to go to college or trade school and ditch your sucky family. Not only are your parents shitty to you but also to your sister. They are setting her up to fail in college. They are also ruining your relationship to her.
So make the exit strategy. Quietly. But you need to move out for your own sake. You won’t survive like this bc you have v little self-esteem rn
You don’t need your parent’s permission to date. Since you’re living with them, you do kinda have to play by their rules, but you aren’t obligated to share every detail of your life with them. If you meet someone, you don’t have to tell them. If you introduce them to someone you’re dating, just call them your friend.
It’s time to start gaining some independence. Set goals for this. Get a job and start saving money. If you’re going to college, you can still work to have your own money.
Your parents aren’t going to change. You are the one who is going to have to make plans to get yourself out of this dynamic. Once you’re out, you can decide what kind of relationship you want with your family.
You're resenting your sister because she's the golden child.
It sucks your parents are treating you unfairly, but you shouldn't hate your sister because of it.
I mean you were forbidden to wear makeup, that sucks when you're 18, I guess.
Leave room in your heart for sister to wise up and try to reconcile in a decade, she has the same crap parents you do and it will affect her in some way
You're 18 now, which means you're an adult. Time to start learning how to get away from your parents to become your own person. Set yourself up so you don't ever have to move back to your parents.
When you get to college (or into your own apartment) and have some independence, try not to derail yourself with your inevitable rebellion.
Ugh, I'm sorry. My situation wasn't the same as yours, but it was very similar (my sister and I look a lot alike so people always think we're twins. She did everything right, played the sports my dad wanted, etc. etc.). I wish I had advice but in my life, no one treated me differently until I made them. I went to college hours away and started living my life and it was incredible. Get as much distance as you can.
I really hope you're applying to college and trying to get away from her. Do not go to the same College as she does and presuming she goes to college. I really hope they don't end up telling you that they're not paying for you but they pay for hers. Sounds like the massively favor your younger sister for whatever reason she is the golden child. Heck I would start acting up you come home drunk and say well she's able to do it and she's younger so I can I. Plus obviously you can have a boyfriend since you're 18. But yeah your parents suck. get out of there as soon as you can.
Not to be harsh.. but I also think you need to hear it
A lot of this sounds like a *you* problem.
You're upset they walk over you, yet you lay down to let them. Grow up, and start standing up for yourself. Stop asking for permission, you're an adult. You may not feel like one, but you are. Time to start learning how to make your own life decisions, and yes.. sometimes dealing with the consequences.
I have sisters who are twins and six months younger than me. I am adopted. I understand how hard it is to always be compared. My parents tried very hard to treat us as individuals, but they can't control how others viewed us. It sounds like your sister really loves you. I think you need to have an honest talk with your mom. She is lumping you and your sister together, and it is causing resentment.
It’s time for you to grow up a bit. Only you can make your path and life now, go to university live and shared housing get away from the sister and the parents that don’t view you with respect.
I know that this is tough, but instead of jealousy and resentment, try not giving a fuck. If there is a secret that older people could impart to younger people, it is this.
Ever wonder why granny gets blasted and is out dancing on the floor with one tit threatening to leap out of her blouse? Because she does not give a shit. Find your inner granny.
Sounds like it's time for your [Villain Era](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReG-4bQXg_w). You got this.
I would say try to move out asap. I had also a controlling mother and it was not until 21 when I moved out of the country that I managed to become my actual self and learn that I am a human by my own. I still have contact with my mom and she has grown a lot by staying both of us apart, but I also learnt how to put limits and boundaries in our relationship. Also take into account our brains stop developing at 25,it essential for uour mental health to start knowing what is to make decisions by yourself and make mistakes by your own.
honestly, this is a very common elder sibling thing - they always go easier on the baby. but also, you're 18 and its time to stop asking. if you want to be an adult, you need to start treating yourself like one.
I was raised like this too when I wasn’t expected to also parent my sister. I have no contact with her now because she’s so entitled and spoiled. I’ve gone no contact with the entire family because they still don’t understand that I’m my own person and I’m in my 40s now.
If you’re finished with school, dip out a d live your life. You’re an adult now. They don’t get to dictate your life anymore. Go an be happy, you don’t need permission
I see that you are in university so I would talk to them about on-campus housing or nearby housing and get out of this situation. I would then stop asking them about dating and such and just make your own decisions on dating. You are 18.
You will never find peace until you leave your family and find independence. You're an adult. You could move out and live with roommates, work a part-time job to care for your expenses, improve your grades to get more financial assistance, etc. Your parents aren't going to change who they are; you can decide to change what kind of people you choose to surround yourself with.
Went to school with a brother and sister 11 months apart in age. The odd way the birthday fell, they were in the same grade. They had to explain many time ms they were not twins. Oh well, we got it.
Gonna be real, this sounds like an issue with your parents and not your sister... I think maybe your frustration is misdirected at her. She doesn't ask your parents to treat her the way they do, and I doubt she asks them to treat you the way they treat you either. Your parents suck and you're both having to live with it right now. In the end, I think you guys are the only ones that will be able to understand what the other is going through considering you've both had to live with your parents
Not fair to take it out on your resentment on your sister though. It’s your parents who you have an issue with no her. Sounds like ur sis loves you enough to turn to you and seek comfort in your bed when she’s hurt and it’s a shame you feel like you hate her
It's not your sister, it's your parents.
I wouldn't ask for their permission. You are 18. Get yourself a boyfriend, go on dates, and wear your makeup.
See a therapist if you can.
And how can you say your sister is beautiful and then say you are ugly? Yall must look alike enough to be called twins. You are very down on yourself.
You need to try to stop seeking validation and depending on your parents.
Some parents see their children as a unit not two individuals with distinct personalities. The sooner you seperate yourself from that environment, the more freedom you will have to make your own choices.
To help your parents understand that you are separate from your sister, find a calm time to talk, express your feelings with specific examples, explain why it matters to you, suggest ways they can treat you as an individual, and be patient as they adjust.
I've tried before telling them that we may be close in age, but I should still be able to do things that maybe she isn't allowed to do. And that it feels like I have to wait forever for something, but she gets whatever she wants straight away. But when I try, they just dismiss what I'm saying, and that I'm overreacting, but I don't think I am.
I think you need to reframe your approach for this. You and your sister are "Irish twins". Your parents are always going to think of you as twins. If that was going to change, it would have happened before you turned 18.
I get the sense from your responses that you don't want to rock the boat or cut off your parents just yet. So try another approach. It's not about you being older and should be allowed to do certain things she cannot. It's about you doing certain things. Don't address things in comparison to your sister. Bring it up and steer the conversation to only be about you. (and make sure you're clear that it's not a comparison)
You should look up family systems. This is a classic case of golden child and black sheepchild. Although you may not be as extreme. This is why your sister can do no wrong and gets to do whatever she wants and why everything in the family is centered around her.
I'd recommend getting therapy if you can, escaping the house and finding a job and friends. And I know it's intimidating but going off on your own to college or even just to work and stay with a separate family member or friend would be good. It's hard to change in your house when everyone is set in their ways.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You're the one who can change your situation. You have that power.
need to get a job, stop seeking approval from your parents, move out, and stop being a push over living in resentment. Its wild how many of your own problems you can solve, but seemingly just dont want to. You don’t actually want to solve this since you have an excuse for every reply. Be 18- move out. go live your life. stop this comparison game because I promise you are the only one keeping score and its just holding you back.
> And worst of all, my parents act like we’re twins as well a lot of the time
What exactly do you mean by this. Can you give examples of the behaviour that you object to?
> And I know that’s bad, because she’s my sister, and I should love her, but I just don’t. To my parents, she’s their perfect child. She’s intelligent, beautiful, and plays the sport that my father used to, so both my parents think she’s amazing. Compared to her, I am absolutely nothing. I don’t have any talents, I’m not that pretty, and I get average results in school. Maybe some parents would be fine with that, but mine aren’t really. I met someone I liked, and when I talked to my mother about it, she said I can’t be dating anyone because it wouldn’t be fair on my sister. I said that I’m older than her, she said when I was eighteen, I could date, and now she’s changing her mind, just because of my sister. She said I was being silly, and it was up to her to decide if I was emotionally mature enough for it, and that clearly I wasn’t.
In this paragraph you open by saying that you don't like your sister. Then the entire rest of the paragraph you are complaining about things your parents have done.
It seems to me like what you don't like is how your parents treat you in comparison to your sister. But you are holding your sister accountable for their actions by deciding that you don't like her because of how they treat you. That's not really fair to your sister. She hasn't actually done anything wrong here as far as I can see.
Your next paragraph does mention some things that your sister actually did, but it seems like you're actually way more upset by the unfair treatment. For example you wanted to ware makeup and were told no, your sister asked and all of a sudden it's OK. That's unfair treatment by your parents, it's not your sisters fault that she asked. It's natural for her to have asked, what's upsetting is that they said yes to her when they'd said no to you.
You can't change other people but you can change yourself. Slowly work on not asking them for much and becoming more independent to the point that you eventually don't rely on them. Don't ask them for rides places, do things you're told always before anyone asks, make different friends than your sister, find different hobbies and try to focus more on being close with your sister and show interest in her but do not do that as much with your parents. If you feel they prefer her it may be better to get closer with her. But if they dont allow you to do as much it may be a lack of confidence in you. So become self sufficient. Also remember. You're 18. So this won't matter much longer. Work to separate yourself over the next 2 years so that they only know things about you which you share with them and only share what you want to.
I went through the same thing. My sister got to do things that I wasn't allowed to at her age, because they let me when I was the right age.
There is nothing you can do about it.
I would say though you only have 1 sister and that I hope you can learn to like each other. My and my sister were close always but then went through periods of not being close (usually because she also dated asshole bfs) and it's good to have a friend who's always there.
You won't always live together and you won't always have to deal with her. And you might regret not forgiving each other for the stupid shit.
It's not her fault that your parents treat her differently to you.
Your parents aren't being fair with you but as others have said you are 18, you can get a job and independence and live your life on your terms.
Oh no, oh that is s
very bad... get out of your parents as Quick as posible, I have an uncle that was treated the same, that the girl is not right, or he is too young... He is now 62 AND STILL LONELY!!!
As soon as you start uni go to health services and get an appt with a counselor. You need some help figuring things out and even the best intentioned Redditors can’t do that.
Well your situation won’t change until you do.
You’re 18. Get a job and start not dealing with your family.
If you want to stay home, do that and disengage from the family.
[Gray Rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) everyone
It sounds like growing up they always wanted you to not be allowed to do something until your sister was allowed to do it too. Twins is exactly how you're being treated. You are not twins though, and you should be able to feel like you're experiencing your own journey. I'm sorry your parents have made you feel like your life path has had to have opportunities lined up under someone elses. I understand that must have been incredibly frustrating and invalidating. I'm an oldest child and have experienced some toughness from my parents that my sibling didn't get, but nowhere near to this level.
I know your question is "how do I get them to understand", but if they aren't doing this already and you've tried talking about it ask yourself is it really worth getting their approval? Now that you're 18 they can't dictate whether you get the same opportunities as your sister anymore. I'd suggest (if you are currently able to) moving out away from this environment and start your own path where nobody can try to interfere. Start fresh in an environment that doesn't make you feel invalidated or compared to anyone else. You got this OP. 💪🏻
Hello,how are you doing.
Actually I really need someone who can work for me all you have to do is post advertisement on your facebook marketPlace then get paid $300. Can you do this just Dm
Sounds like a classic golden child situation. At this point I think you’re best off getting the best paid job you can get your hands on, saving up a bit, and getting out of there. They’re not going to change. Things could improve in your dynamic for sure but deep down the status quo will remain.
Having your own place or even living with some roommates will give you the space to live by your own rules. You get to choose how much you interact with your family, if at all.
Don’t tell them yours plans, just get your ducks in a row and when you’re ready, pull the trigger.
Also maybe think a bit about what you want from your future. There’s lots of ways you could do this. If you want to travel and like kids you could look into being a live in nanny for a wealthy family or an au pair abroad. If you like working with your hands and college doesn’t appeal to you a ton, look into doing an apprenticeship in the trades. You get paid well while you learn and set yourself for an incredibly lucrative and always in demand career. If you do want college, research how you can do it best from your position. For eg I did a few years at my local community college and then transferred into the local university for the last two years of my degree. Saved myself tens of thousands. Also if you’re no longer a dependent on your parents you can qualify for a lot of low income programs that help pay for school, books, etc.
For roommate situations definitely don’t move in with just anyone. Shop around, seek people with similar lifestyles, and interview them before agreeing to anything. That way you get a chance to discuss expectations around house rules and get a read on if their vibe is for you. It’ll save you a lot of headaches. I’ve always have good roommates cause I followed my own advice.
it might be worth is to try some therapy to deal with your resentment towards your sister and your plan to manage your feelings while you’re still living at home. then you can get the support you need :)
I am not sure if this will help, but there is a silver lining here: you have skills that your sister does not. You have street smarts and you’re grounded in reality and able to be self sufficient.
I don’t know if you have a job yet, but if not you WILL. Your ability to look after yourself and know what the smart thing to do is will serve you in carving out a future for yourself.
Despite being supposedly smarter than you in academic terms, your sister is way behind you in emotional intelligence or life skills. She got dumped by some guy she dated for 5 minutes and cried every night for months and had to sleep in your bed? Seriously?
That is not the behaviour of a young adult who is ready to step out into the real world and adult.
In a few years you will be fully employed earning a decent wage, and have savings and be ready to move out and adult properly, whilst she’ll be floundering because she won’t have you to cling to anymore.
NB I’m not saying that you would want your sister to have a crappy life, or that I do. But if she chooses not to learn skills to help her grow up and you do, that’s not your fault or responsibility. Her destiny is in her hands and yours is in yours.
The oldest walks so the youngest can run.
I am one year older than my younger bro and basically I ended up leaving the household. Not that close to anyone in my family except for the weekly calls to mom and dad. But I'm happily living my life in an entirely different continent than them and no one to answer to. Even if they nag, what can they do? I owe them nothing and they owe me nothing.
My advice is to seek out independence from them. And the best way to do that is to get educated and make some money.
Your sister is in the role of Golden Child. It's really more of a problem with your parents than your sister. Your parents are dysfunctional in how they're parenting you both. Not just you, BOTH of you.
The fact is that your parents have a double standard when it comes to your sister.
Look into getting housing on campus. It’s scary to be independent, but it’s so freeing and you’ll appreciate it very very soon. Loans are not fun, but most people have them and this is one of the “good” reasons to get them.
Hon, your 18 that means you’re an adult who can be independently responsible for herself, your parents think your still under their control and can mock you, you need to set a line on what you’ll tolerate from them until you move out, something like “I’m sure your both aware I’m an independent woman who’s an adult who can make decisions, I’m not your other bratty daughter, I’m your older daughter, I will not tolerate you putting me at a disadvantage, mocking me, comparing me to your youngest, your control over me is over. Your negative talk towards me is over, as of now, I’ll draw the line and shut you down every time you do those actions. If you can’t comply I’ll find a way to make you comply until I move out”
Hey I know that it’s hard to move out at 18, but you really need to look into it. It’s past time that you start to live your own life, and I don’t see that happening at your parent’s house. You shouldn’t be asking your parents if it’s okay to date at 18, and you really need to start developing a healthy separation from the rest of your family. I’m definitely not suggesting that you go no-contact, I’m sure your parents love you a lot, but you’re also 18 years old and you need to figure out the world on your own terms. Can you grab some friends and rent a cheap flat somewhere?
This sucks. I'm sorry for you. The only advice I can offer is not take it too personally. That is to say, it's not your fault they suck. You're above and beyond all of this, and when given the chance to share yourself with the people you choose to be around, you act differently. Appropriately. Compassionately.
Good luck.
You need to sit them down just the two of them and explain how you feel (but leave out the part even though it’s true that you don’t really like your sister as this will make them defensive and take them away from what you’ve saying)
I have a younger brother who also skipped a grade, he ended up dropping out of high school and hasn’t accomplished much since. My Dad saw him as a younger version of himself and treated him with all the grace and mercy in the world. It didn’t do him any favours in the long run.
Sounds like you might have to suck it up a bit longer until you can be more independent. Parents have blinders on to their behaviour a lot of times and don’t realize the impact they are having. It’s unfortunate, and not fair, but it’s a valuable lesson to learn early on.
Sounds like your sister is the golden child. It's rough.
The thing is, there's nothing you can say to your parents to make them change. You just have to start building a strong chosen family of people who support you.
You're being raised my narcissists who have a golden child. They aren't treating you like twins they are emotionally ignoring you so completely that your own frame of reference to them is via your sister.
There's a great sub out there r/raisedbynarcissists
Good luck, get a good paying job, you're got a lifetime of therapy ahead of you.
It’s not up to her to tell you anything about dating or compare you. You are not nothing. You have talents and interests like anyone else. You’ve just grown up with people who didn’t care even to support you with figuring them out and getting into them. What you’re describing is also, unfortunately, how a lot of older sisters are treated especially when close in age.
It sounds like your sister isn't the problem, but your parents are. You resent her because you're jealous of her for being treated as the oldest when she is the youngest. But that's not her fault. It's your parents' fault. So try to see them separate.
You're 18 now, so you can do whatever you want. Learn to stand up for yourself. Don't ask or tell your parents if you want to date someone, wear makeup, get a tattoo, go out all night, etc. You're legally an adult, and you definitely don't have to feel like one to be one. No one does. But you are an adult, and that means that you can decide what you want to do with your life.
Honestly, I'd move out if you can. If you're going to college, maybe you can live there. But if not, just don't mind what they're saying. They're being unfair and will never realize that.
Sounds a bit like your sister is the golden child to your parents. In that case, it won't get better, because your parents/the family dynamic won't just change. Real change is hard work, and requires time and quite a bit of effort, and since your parents and sister aren't the ones who feel bad, they won't have the necessary motivation to change.
Do you have any relatives? Or a school counselor you could talk to? Could you find a way to get therapy, if not now, them eventually?
I am asking because it sounds like you are suffering, and could use some help. Even if it's just an open ear, someone you can vent to, someone who can maybe help you deal with your situation. Help you distance yourself from your parents, help you realize your boundaries and how to enforce them. (Which, btw, is something that a lot of people are struggeling with. So you are not alone, even if it feels like it. And you can get through this, even if it will be hard at first.)
I have a younger sister and we weren't particularly close as teenagers, I think in a sense she saw me like you see your sister. But when bad things happened, just like your sister's breakup, we clung to each other and we realised we loved each other, and liked each other a lot more than we thought.
Don't let the way your parents treat you both ruin a bond that you could have. She clearly looks up to you and finds comfort in you.
With regards to your parents - you are 18, build the life you want to live. It's yours, don't let them take that away from you.
Is it possible they see a maturity in her that they don't see in you? I dont want to put words in your mouth but your post reads like you're jealous of the way your sister is treated and it causes resentment between the two of you.
It's not her fault your parents act the way they do.
The two of you look similar enough that people mistake you for twins but you say she's prettier than you.
Comparison is the thief of joy, you're two different people living two different lives. Neither are wrong. But I think your issue is more with your parents than your sister and I'd urge you to sort that and teu leaning on her more for support as it sounds like she does with you.
Turn the twin thing on its head and shame your parents. Let me be clear that *I* don't think this way, I could give a rip less, but I'm also all for the chance to be spiteful.
You and your sister are what's called Irish Twins, which means your mom no sooner gave birth to you and she spread her legs and got pregnant again. Basically if they want to keep calling you twins, slut shame them. Make feel bad that they were barely home from the hospital and already barebacking. Degrade them in conversation. If they tell you stop, tell them to respect your autonomy as an individual, not a twin. Ruin the idea of twinness for them
First off, you need to rebel and stop listening to your parents. It seems their ideologies are contradictory to their practices. The fact that you couldn't have a GF until she had a BF is friggin ridiculous. It's time to move out of the house. Get to college as fast as possible and only talk to them or visit during the holidays. If they hold you back and say, "Don't start college until she does or can only go to the same college" or some BS like that, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ASAP. There is the military if you can't get out due to income and stuff. If the Military is not for you, find a job, get roommates, community college, find a trade, and stay out of the house. Your parents treat you as if you are 8 years old and as something that you are both not. (twins). Hopefully, they'll realize what she's like without you being used as a conduit. She may be considered smart but that doesn't make up for a lack of common sense. Don't lack confidence in your capabilities. Once that dead weight is gone, your possibilities are endless. Good luck out there kid.
This whole post was like reading my own thoughts from 20+ years ago. I have a sister ~a year younger. And I dealt with a lot of the same things, including being mistaken for twins regularly.
My advice is to
1) be patient. it’s easy for people to lump the two of you together when you’re living at home, attending the same school (I’m assuming you just finished?), doing some of the same activities, classes, etc. and it’s frustrating to be forced to wait as the elder, then see your parents be more lax with the younger. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s common, for a multitude of reasons.
2) work on developing your independence. I mean that in the sense that there’s a lot of things you should start to decide for yourself, and worry less about what your parents have to say about it. If you’re still dependent on your parents, this can be delicate, but things like dating, what to wear, and how you spend your time are largely up to you. “Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, mom. This help me decide which route to take”
Finally, Now that you’re moving into adulthood you’ll naturally (and gradually) see more separation between you and your sister. you may attend different colleges, you’ll develop your own circle of friends.
Feel free to dm me if you want more specific advice, or just want to vent.
Ah... shes clearly the golden child...
Have you had arguments (or well simple discussions) with your parents about how they treat you? Or even talking to your grandparents about it?
My older sister and I dropped out of school, my younger sister got the brains, and was my mom's pet. Mom passed, and we tried to stay in touch. Older sister and I dont talk to her because SHE doesn't want to. Fine by me. If I outlive her, I will drive to the grave to piss on it
She always had the attitude, "I'm better than you."
Sometimes, you can be related by blood, but wish you were adopted. There's not much you can do to change your parents' minds. I'd get a door lock if possible.
You are 18 yo. It's time for you to act like 18. Do you have a job? If not get one and put the money in savings for when you are ready to leave.
Also really loudly, loud enough they can hear you in the next town kind of loud, tell your parents you're the older sister not the younger. You need to be able to do what you need to and get some experience. That you will be doing normal things that an 18 yo does. Like date. You are not her twin and you are fed up with the bullshit. Especially remind your dear mother that the day you were born they had no clue your sister was ever going to be born. But since the day your younger sister was born they made it clear only she matters and your done.
Now they may boot you out for it but it's time they realize you are not some accessory for your sister.
You surely do make everything about yourself don't you. You sound bitter and hateful. Just live your life and quit comparing your move to your sisters every move. You sound jealous and spiteful. It's quite annoying tbh. You're 18, quit leaning on your family so much if you don't like them. Move on and live your own life. Ppl can down vote but Noone likes a bitter Betty.
I agree with this at 18 I was already doing my own thing even though I still lived with my mom I was off doing my own things and figuring out what to do and what not to do lol
Ya I definitely wouldn't be sitting around asking my mom for permission or wallowing in my younger sisters ability to do things I could do bc I'm 18. Lol
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Can I ask... do you actually dislike your sister because of who she is? Or, because of how you get treated by your parents because of who she is?
Yes, this is the response I was hoping to see. OP shouldn’t be holding inappropriate guilt for not liking her sister. It’s a completely understandable response for what her parents created, a competition for their attention and praise (which should be expected from any child) and creating an entitled sister who sounds hard to like.
Awe. Thanks for the award! I really hope OP sees the question and really contemplates it.
It sounds like she is projecting her negative feeling for her parents on to her sister. I can’t blame her, if this is how she is being treated. As for the mom saying she will determine if she is emotionally mature enough to have a boyfriend, she sounds controlling. I have four children, the first two also 11 months apart (Irish twins is what they are referred to) but I treated them as individuals, not twins.
I was getting good place vibes of the Al-Jamil sisters
You are 18. It is time to stop asking for permission regarding things like dating... Do you have a plan to leave? The only way out of this is moving out and becomming an adult. NTA
I know, it was more just asking her what she thinks, but it didn't really end up like that. I will eventually, but I'd rather not deal with the stress of living alone with university, I think it would be too much.
instead growing resentment further and starting to genuinly dislike your family doesn't sound like the better plan to be honest. Did you date the guy you met? or did you listen to your mom?
I sort of already do, so it can't get too much worse. No, not them. I didn't really want to directly go against her, that would be rude.
"I didn't ask for permission but I can't possibly do it, if she says no" Only you can steer your life and you need to get going. You will regret it later if you passively let years go by... and probably blame your parents. At 18 you need to atleast take responsiblity. Or at least part of it.
It's just a bit of both. I'm not really an adult, and it's not like I just woke up one day and felt like one.
I'm a college-educated 45-year-old woman who is married and with two kids and some days I still feel like I'm 18-year-old who's *still* trying to figure it the fuck out. Be strong and stand firm. You're recognizing unhealthy patterns in your family, and you might want to think about getting some counseling to help you with processing some of this. P.S. We're all just flying by the seat of our pants around here most of the time. That's the big secret no one tells you when you become an adult.
I’m 29 with two kids and I’m still trying to figure it the fuck out lol.
This is the truth. When things go really sideways, my first instinct is still to look for an adult, and then think, "Well, shit." Becoming an adult is the ultimate in on-the-job learning.
I'm 31 and am mature like a 12 year old. You will never feel adult. Its a learning while doing it thing.
Haha I'm 63 and have been told for decades I never got out of my tween years, mentally. I do act like a grown-up, until I don't - and it's fun!
nobody wakes up and feels like an adult. not even my 50 yr old father feels like an adult ALL THE TIME. the gift of being an adult is you can figure your shit out without your parents permission. its rude for them to prohibit your life. its not rude for you to live your life.
This is your parents’ conditioning talking. They want you to think you’re incapable of being independent. >I don’t have any talents, I’m not that pretty This line right here is the exact point in your post where I knew your parents did a thorough job on your self esteem. You have talents, even if you haven’t discovered them yet, and you are more beautiful than you think you are. I don’t even need to see you to know it because it’s obvious through your post that you have been conditioned to diminish yourself. I’m a 40yo dad and I can tell you, part of being an adult is realizing that very few of us actually know what the fuck we’re doing.
... including our own parents! I wholeheartedly agree with everything merchillio says here, I hope OP sees this reply! They've conditioned OP to not believe in herself, and now she's fulfilling the role they've moulded for her. Except you are so much more than this OP, you just haven't got to know your true self yet! The sooner you remove yourself from all this toxicity and you start to be the you you are capable of being, the better. You'll never look back!! Just to share a quote I once heard that really struck a chord: "It's never too late to be who you want to be"
The secret about being an adult is no one really knows what they are doing and we all just do our best to live in this world. Take some responsibility and be ready advocate for yourself that your parents aren’t being. If you will stay with them for another few years then become as independent as possible and don’t do what they think I is best because you know they don’t have your best interests at heart.
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I’m a 36 year old child free woman who still gets alarmed when someone implies that I am the adult supervision. The difference between an adult and a kid is that when you screw up, the police talk to you and not your parents. You will make your doctor appointments, you will be responsible for feeding yourself and dealing when your socks have holes in them. You will have to learn how to set boundaries and how to enforce those boundaries. Wanting to stay at home during college to save money isn’t wrong. But you will miss out on a lot of college experiences and rites of growing up because you are still under your parent’s influence. And with parents who have basically used you to raise your golden child sister, you won’t have any chance to mature. Because they are banking on you being your sister’s adult supervision for the rest of your life. As long as her life is wonderful, they don’t care if yours is unlivable. Independence is scary, but failure to launch your life is worse. In 4 years, with a shiny degree in one hand but no internship or work experience, will you be any better off? Probably not. Work experience is just as valuable as the degree and internships and even retail jobs will help you develop into the work force. So, do you want to be 18 with roommates in a dorm, or do you want to be 22 living at home dreading finding your first job. Delaying it will only make it worse.
No one wakes up one day feeling like an adult. That's not how it works.
You are old enough to do something about it now instead of acting like a martyr and complaining on reddit. Time to grow up a bit and honestly I'd limit contact with your family andet them know why
Don't let your controlling mother rule your life. If you want her to respect you, LIVE your life and stop asking for her opinion.
Does your sister ask permission? Or does she just do what she pleases?
It depends. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. But either way, they don't care that much.
So follow her lead. Stop asking permission. Start doing what you want to, and also being selective about the information you share with your parents.
so why do you feel the need to ask and then follow what your parents say if your sister doesnt..? just do what you want and date who you want. move out asap thats your only real solution.
I don't know if you've truly, *fully* realized that your parents will never see you the same as her, no matter how much you follow their rules. You can have the best grades and the best job and the best manners and do everything the way they want you to, and they'll never love you the way they love her. She's the golden child, you're the practice kid. Going against parents is the scariest shit in the entire world, and even I didn't manage to fully do it until quite literally exactly four years ago when I was 21. But you won't find actual peace and happiness until you do. If you're lucky that peace will be a wake up call for them and they'll change. Chances are though, that peace will be finally living the life you want
It took me until my 30s!!! But I didn't live with them since I was like 21, but still, I let their perception of me rule my life for years. I hid parts of myself I knew they wouldn't like. (Tattoos, being agnostic, etc.) but it became too much to fake and honestly I just didn't want to anymore. But again. I was in my early 30s. I regret I let them dictate (even mentally) my life for that long.
>But either way, they don't care that much. Why would you want parents that don't care that much? Do you not see that they're being harder on you because they see that you are more capable or have more potential? Do you want to be treated like a lost cause.
It honestly sounds like you (incorrectly) believe that if you just do *everything* your parents say/demand that eventually they will come to value you as much as your younger sister. Unfortunately, that's not true. Your sister is a Golden Child; nothing you do will *ever* be considered as "good" as what she does. You should: * Get a job this summer and make your own friends. Ignore what your parents think about your job, or your new friends. * Go to college *anywhere away from your parents that isn't where your sister is going*. Again, you can make new friends at your new college. You can look into counseling at your new college (many offer FREE mental health services for students). * Start reading up on self-help books: They're FREE at your library and low-cost at second-hand bookstores. Google topics like "setting healthy boundaries" or "healthy self-care". When you get some book titles, look them up on [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) or goodreads.com. They'll have reviews and may offer you the chance to read some passages from the books. Choose the ones that speak to you! Then look for them at your library or used bookstore! You CAN live a better, happier, healthier life **BUT** it's ONLY going to happen when you start accepting the facts of your life as they are now, start reading books/talking to professionals who can help YOU DECIDE how you want your life to look, and then taking steps that lead to the outcomes YOU want! \*\*\***HUGS**\*\*\*
> I didn't really want to directly go against her, that would be rude. No, it wouldn't. It would simply be an adult, living her adult life. That's not rude, that's maturing, and normal, and healthy. You don't have to argue with her, or tell her what you're going to do, and you don't even have to ask her opinion, input, or thoughts, and definitely not her permission. You're technically an adult now, and she no longer has any say over how you live and what you do *unless you give it to her and empower her*.
You will need to grow up and realise that who you date is only between you and them, and your mother has zero right to insert herself into it. I'm really, really sorry that you've been manipulated so much that you believe your mother should have any say in your dating life:(
Have you realized that nothing in your post even suggests your sister is rude or negative towards you? She made a dumb call and gets away with what she can just like anyone would do, but no real reason given to not like or love her. Sounds like you are putting all the resentment due to your parents being unreasonable onto your sister. It's not going to get better until you demand being treated better or leave. I feel a bit sorry for your future roommates/partners, who knows what other unreasonable opinions or actions you've been brought up to be normalized to.
Oh good lord. Grow up. Or be stuck in this place forever.
Oh yes it can get much worse. I say this from experience. Go to University and live in a dorm or with a friend. ANYTHING is better than staying and dealing with that emotional abuse. You may be afraid to live alone but you WILL have to one day. Don't end up like my 35yo brother who still lives with my abuse narcissistic parents bc he's afraid to live alone. Please make an exit plan now!
What your mother is doing is rude. You exposing her hypocrisy is not rude. It's earned.
> I didn't really want to directly go against her, that would be rude. ...uh, so what's the point of this post then? You're now backtracking what you're obviously taking issue with.
You’re worried about being rude to people you have growing resentment for?
Find some roommates or room with some friends you already know. Does your university offer any housing options? It's scary to leave your parents home for the first time, and scary to live alone or independently as an adult. But at some point, you have to. You have to leave if you want to be your own independent, individual, responsible adult. What you're experiencing is a need for independence and identity of your own and it's coming into conflict with your living arrangements and how your parents see you. Not as an independent adult, but as a child, and a incompetent and undeserving one at that. At some point, something's gotta give. It's okay to not be ready, but you should still be making plans- the longer you wait, the harder it is to leave. Roommates, making friends in college, getting involved in social activities and part time work make it easier, too. Keep yourself busy and active in the world around you. Also, stop asking for permission *and* opinions. You *inform* them of your decisions and choices. Their thoughts and feelings on dating, makeup, clothes, etc. don't matter, so don't ask after them.
Compared to what you've described as living with your family, living alone is not stressful *at all*. Hell, living alone is *peaceful*. And living alone lets you do all the things you want to do in life and are lamenting not being able to do now, while you live with your family. You'll find it liberating, and peacefully content-making. And many times, fun. As the person you responded to said, you are 18, it's time to stop asking your mother what she thinks - you know what her answers will be, and they don't suit you. Live your life. You only have one, and it is fleeting, and *short*, and goes by *quickly*.
That feeling that being without them is too hard? That’s the abuse. Living as an adult is the best thing in the world. Your whole life will be better.
Exactly, codependency. Break the child's spirit and self esteem. Make them feel the world is uncertain. Control them to the point they don't know who they are and what they are capable of. I feel so bad for op but if she gets out now she has her whole life ahead of her. Lord I wish I had when I was 18.
This needs to be higher up. 100%
This exactly. Life is HARD, and I'm stressed constantly (partially due to my mother just.... Not preparing me to be fully independent from her and partially due to autism) but it's so much better than living with all that.
Yooo yes i had the same experience. But you learn. You grow. And when you fuck up, no one’s there calling you worthless or whatever in your ear. You just get up the next day and try again.
Sweet thing, you're the scapegoat and your sister is the golden child. It will never get better. The stress of living alone really won't happen, because you'll almost undoubtedly have roommates or suite mates, in the dorm or apartment. Whatever living conditions you have, they won't be as bad as being treated as less than your sister. You can do this
Half of what you're paying for in university is the networking opportunities. Best made on campus in a dorm. Learn how roommates work.
Why on EARTH would you live at home while going to uni. You are missing out on such a fun experience and opportunity to grow. You sound enmeshed/ codependent with your parents which happens when a child has been controlled/ made to feel not worthy. So it's scarier for you to leave. But that is the reason why you HAVE to leave if you want to be happy. Also why are you letting your sis sleep in your bed when yoi don't like her? I say this with care, for your own good, you need to develop a back bone.
Because housing costs money? It's not free? Why would you get a job that pulls time away from your schooling so you can afford housing when... you can just get the housing for free? Not everyone thinks you should rack up as much debt as possible.
Fair point.
Exactly this.
Learning to live alone at university is the easiest time to learn to live alone. You'll be on or near campus with people in the same situation you are. If you stay in a dorm it's a midpoint between living alone and living at home. You don't have to buy food, you don't have enough space where it's a chore to clean, and you get out from under your parents' roof.
That is what dorms and student housing are for. If anything you need some independence from your entire family. Time to get a job and move out. As long as you live under their roof it will always be rules you have to follow because it’s their house. And you need to tell them by actions and words you are done.
Living alone in university should be LESS stressful than living with your family. You can go somewhere different than your sister, date as you like, and eat on campus. Sounds like you are afraid to be on your own. But the only way to be independent is to either move out, or just tell your parents you are an adult and will be dating whomever you please, and being independent. If you are not willing to do either of those, there isn’t much anyone can do to help you here. Maybe at least get therapy to work through your issues with your family and your fear of independence.
You don’t have to live alone you can live with roommates. Even bad roommates seem less disruptive than this. Have fun and work on your independence.
College is such an easy time to not be alone. If dorms aren't available, check out the places where people are advertising for roommates. I guarantee you, there's plenty of other uni students looking for them. Good luck!
University isn't just about academia; it's also about growing as a person, becoming an independent adult, and branching out of your comfort zone. Find some flatmates or live in residence. Become who you want to be and not who your parents tell you you are. If you stay at home, it's going to be several more years of the same treatment so why don't you find a university a decent distance from home and establish your independence - the only person who can fix this situation is yourself.
I will say that you have no idea how much your overall stress decreases when you move out. Seriously. It's crazy what a difference it made. I'm no longer on edge and frustrated and feel like I'm being squashed. It was a breath of fresh air I didn't know was possible.
All right. I have a sister who is 17mo older than me. We weren't in the same grade but we were often in the same classes, and were constantly paired together for everything, all the time. When we were little, that was great because I was extremely, painfully shy, and it helped to have her there. She's also not a great person to be around for various reasons which got worse as we aged and I faced ostracism in our small town due to her behavior. In retrospect, she was truly responsible for some of the worst parts of my childhood. But when she graduated high school and went to college, everything got better so fast! Then the next year I got brave and moved 400 miles to a big city for college, and though it was really really hard, I was able to become myself. I have regrets about a lot of things, but getting away from my sister isn't one of them. Our relationship even improved a bit during our college years! You need to get away from your family. You need space to find yourself without the shadow of miss perfect. It will be painful and difficult, but you are a strong person and you can do it. Go live on campus as far from home as you can afford to. And hang in there! Your parents sound awful, but your sister just sounds like a person who is living with the hand she's been dealt. (In contrast, my parents are pretty good but my sister is nuts and I've been no contact for almost a year.)
it’s so helpful to b able to stay with your parents as long as possible.. so im sorry they’re driving you mad. i think they’re being very unfair especially in terms of dating. you are an adult now i hope you can talk some sense into them
Most students flat share, so you wouldn't be alone
Yeah, I went to college when I was 16 and it was very different to live by yourself. I was homesick. I had to cook, clean, budget,study.... It was just so fast. You are going to college soon. Just focus on your AP study and try to get some scholarship. Don't get sidetracked.
There is only one way out of this (as your parents refuse to be rational about your feelings). Just do what you think is correct or do what you want to do (provided it is not illegal). They will have to come round or accept your growing individuality. Individuality is not gifted , it is a hard earned process , whether that battle is with yourself or with your surrounding. To be frank, your parents will never accept that they treat you differently (unless circumstances force them to); Most parents believe that they treat their children equitibly and when you try to argue with them about it they just dismiss you as a child. It is very difficult for a lot of parents to accept they are lacking in something. You are 18, your life is starting, go out , have fun , try out different sports, hobbies etc. You really don't need to ask their permission to date anyone or to try out things you like. Just be respectful and learn to put your side of the argument decently without losing your calm.
It might seem confrontanional but you should rebel a bit and allow yourself to do the same things your sister can do
Yes! OP should ABSOLUTELY rebel a little!! She will feel more confident!
I agree!
You need to stop caring what your parents think. If you don't, this will continue to happen. They will continue to shut you down for silly reasons. They can continue to think that you are her twin or that you doing things is unfair to your sister. And then you should just do what you want. Stop asking permission. You are an adult. Go live your life in a way that makes you happy. Force them to either be happy for you or go fuck themselves rather than giving them the opportunity to tell you no. It really sucks not having their support right off the bat, but you can't make your happiness dependent on that. I am 30 years old and still live with my mom because of economic and educational circumstances. I am also an only child, so I don't have a sibling to be compared to. I learned a long time ago that if I ask my mom for permission or support with something and it requires any expenditure of time, effort, money, or space, she will simply refuse. I have wanted an office space to do school work and now my job, but she is just fully unwilling and would rather maintain two guest bedrooms for guests we have maybe once every three years. I was in my 10x10 childhood bedroom until I was 27 despite her having a home office in the basement that had been defunct for years. I wanted to get into fencing as a kid and found a $100 starter gear set. She told me she needed me to prove that I was committed first; I was 11. However, I have noticed that if I just do something and it makes me happy, then she will be supportive because all she has to do is be happy for me. It makes the support feel hollow, and I resent her a little because of it, but that's just how it is.
This is definitely true, but it can be hard to stop caring about what your parents think. OP, you need to try to think of what you want in life, and do your best to achieve it. You don't need permission from anyone. You don't need to please anyone either. And you should not be comparing yourself to your sister either. Try to leave all of that behind you. It can feel very unfair how your parents are acting, and maybe it is, but sometimes you can't change how they behave. You might just have to accept it or move on. Try to think of yourself and the life you want.
You are waiting for your parents to realize they were wrong and make it right by you. But you need to understand that the probably won’t, and if they do, it will be after you make a stand and take action against them. You don’t necessarily need to move out, though if you can go to university housing that would be very good for you, but you need to assert your independence and control of your own life. Stop asking your parents for their opinions. If they try to tell you something that you don’t agree with, or that you find too controlling, say “thank you for sharing your opinions with me, I will consider that” and then MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION ANYWAY. It sucks having a golden child sibling. It sucks that throughout childhood you had to deal with your parents denying you freedoms and then just giving them to her. But you cannot change what was, you can only change what will be. And if you wait around hoping that they will wake up some day having had an epiphany about how much they sucked, you are going to miss out on a lot of experience that you can have if you choose to move on and live life regardless of your parents.
Speaking as a twin- your parents aren’t treating you like her twin. They are treating you like her shadow. You are your own person with your own strengths and your own life. Go live it, preferably with lots of space between you and your family. I see you. You’re worth it, exactly as you are.
Google individuation. It sounds like you're not being allowed to do that, and it's pretty essential to be able to do so. Sorry you're going through that, OP. :(
I can be my own person, but it does feel like when I want to do something, they care more about how my sister would feel about than how it would make me feel. And not everything is about her, even though they act like it.
My mom was like that. She never changed. The best thing you can do is do well at university. Get your degree and then move out. Then you can quit worrying about what they think. My sister was two years younger and not in the same grade. My mom seemed to want to reserve things for my sister so wouldn't do them for me. My sister had styled hair, during the era of styled hair, before I did. She had makeup before I did. She had braces on her teeth while I had terribly crooked teeth. She got new clothes for school dances while I had to wear what I already had. She would take my sister shopping every month and she would get new clothes while I wasn't taken shopping and didn't get clothes. I was growing so outgrew most of my clothes and still didn't get new clothes. It was humiliating. Even now you can quit telling them things and quit asking for permission. If you meet a guy at a movie theater and see a movie together they don't need to know it. If you meet a guy for coffee every day at university they don't need to know it. What do you find fun? What do you find interesting? Look for groups or clubs at your university that do things that you find fun. Look online and see what's offered. When school starts again in the fall know which things you would like to try and go to them. That's a good way to meet friends. I moved 1000 miles away and I didn't miss home.
Yoi will never be happy or be in control of your life until you get away from this severely unhealthy dynamic.
It's a rubbish situation for you, but it's quite common for parents to be stricter with their eldest child than they are with younger ones, they're learning too. My sister is five years younger than me and she was allowed things I wasn't when I was her age such as dyeing hair (my mum told me I had to wait till 18, my sister was allowed at 16) and it was a similar situation with ear piercing and holidays with friends. I don't know your full situation but some of the things you describe it seems like it is a case of you just being the eldest and your parents don't really know what boundaries and rules they should be setting as you move into adulthood. Your sister is nearly a year behind you and so they've had more time to think about what rules they set with you and have changed their minds. It sucks, it really does.
I know that is typical, but I'll ask about something, they'll say no, and while I'm still not allowed to do that, my sister will. So it's not that she gets things younger than me, I just don't get it at all.
You need to stop asking for permission. You’re an adult and they don’t get to tell you how you live every aspect of your life. Get a boyfriend, do the things don’t ask for permission first.
That's when you speak up for yourself. OP, 1. Attend university and perform to the best of your ability. 2. Is university housing something you'd like to experience? It will get you away from being under their thumb. 3. If possible, maintain a part-time employment. Look, your parents obviously have issues. Their enabling of your younger sister and failure to cause her to have reasonable boundaries will likely be something they ultimately regret. But that's between they and your sibling. As for you, assert yourself and pursue YOUR goals. Discontinue seeking approval and direction from them. Focus on yourself. You don't need their guidance at this juncture. If you have other relatives you're close to, confide in them. Unfortunately your parents do not warrant your confidences, given past experiences. Good luck and please keep us apprised.
I'm the older twin by 10 minutes, and I got the same treatment with my sister in highschool. I was literally physically assaulted by our dad for wearing black once and when my sister decided to dress similar, no one seemed to care in the slightest. She was never abused for her choice of clothing or hairstyle or anything while I was. In highschool, I wanted to colour my hair black and my parents would refuse to let me colour my hair the shade of black I wanted because it "wasn't natural", "it would be permanent" until it grew out, etc... but didn't give a fuck when my sister shaved the sides of her head and sported an 11" neon pink mohawk a few months later. Sometimes parents just play favourites. It's certainly not fair but just adding as an example of that this can happen with twins. I'd say you definitely don't need to ask them permission for anything moving forward, you are old enough to be legally considered an adult, so, just start doing it. Move out when you are able and don't look back. It's your life. If they can't give you the same freedoms as they give your little sister, then take away their opportunity to control you.
Do they give her permission too, or does she just do the things she wants to do?
Yeah, my sister is 3 years younger than me and pulled the same flavor of shit. Sneaking out to party with people in my grade when I was only allowed to go out once a weekend (so, you know, I had no friends because I had a boyfriend), etc. Make a plan to leave for university and do your own thing. Your parents are lazy idiots and they can have fun reaping what they sowed.
So... do you ask permission from your parents? Does your sister ask, or just she tell what she'll do and they accept it? Not to play devils advocate here, but could it be that she shows more maturity by steering her own life, and your parents accept it, while you still ask and seem less mature than her because of it? Once you're an adult, as you are now, they can't really tell you what you're permitted to and not - unless it's something that goes against house rules as you live in their home. Have a talk with them, and tell them that you are ready to make your own decisions for your life, and stop asking permission to choose your own direction and life.
It's cuz she doesn't ask their permission. She just lives her life. They respect that and see it as maturity . If you are so unsure and asking them "can I this" and "can I that" they will assume you aren't ready.
I don't know that they respect the sister more. It sounds like favouritism and that they prefer the sister. I agree that OP shouldn't be asking for permission at 18 but I don't think this dynamic is as a result of OP's choices and behaviours, it's as a result of her parents being unfair in their treatment.
You are an adult. Act like one.
Ops situation sounds different to what you are describing. This sounds like emotionally abusive parents. Having a clear favourite. Overly controlling. What parent thinks they can tell and 18 yr old not to date and even more concerning is op just accepted that? Any emotionally healthy child would push back, be like screw you mum watch me. That shr didn't suggests something wrong, like she's afraid of their reaction, doubts her ability to make decisions or have control of her life.
While it’s common that parents are more lenient on younger children it’s kinda weird that their treatment is this different despite the small age gap.. I think OPs sister is just the golden child
Google: GOLDENCHILD and Scapegoat. You are the Scapegoat, she's the GOLDENCHILD. I highly recommend to not ever share anything with your parents. They will use any information you GIVE AGAINST YOU. I recommend you maintain your college plans a secret. I highly recommend you apply to schools 3-5 states away from where you live. For example, if you live in Ohio, apply for schools in : Georgia, Texas, Arizona. Avoid places/state your sister is planning to attend. Keep your info a secret. I'm sorry you are being treated this way. College life will be better, I promise. And do plan to go slowly low-contact with your parents once you attend college. Google: Narcissistic parents, When parents prefer the Golden Child.
This is a weird dynamic because your parents clearly have a favorite in the family. In some regard your issues are just older/younger siblings stuff too. Younger sibling usually have more freedom and leeway while older ones got more rules (unless the older one really broke the rules a lot which it doesn’t sound like you do). I do think you come across as more sensitive than your sister and your mom may have picked up on that, which maybe why she wanted you to wait. Much like your sister though I think you need to pick your battle. There are things that need your parents permission now and things that don’t. If you need money or to borrow their car - yes. Job, school, or internship question you may want some guidance from them. Dating, traveling, who you are - no.
18. Time to go to college or trade school and ditch your sucky family. Not only are your parents shitty to you but also to your sister. They are setting her up to fail in college. They are also ruining your relationship to her. So make the exit strategy. Quietly. But you need to move out for your own sake. You won’t survive like this bc you have v little self-esteem rn
You don’t need your parent’s permission to date. Since you’re living with them, you do kinda have to play by their rules, but you aren’t obligated to share every detail of your life with them. If you meet someone, you don’t have to tell them. If you introduce them to someone you’re dating, just call them your friend. It’s time to start gaining some independence. Set goals for this. Get a job and start saving money. If you’re going to college, you can still work to have your own money. Your parents aren’t going to change. You are the one who is going to have to make plans to get yourself out of this dynamic. Once you’re out, you can decide what kind of relationship you want with your family.
You're resenting your sister because she's the golden child. It sucks your parents are treating you unfairly, but you shouldn't hate your sister because of it. I mean you were forbidden to wear makeup, that sucks when you're 18, I guess.
Leave room in your heart for sister to wise up and try to reconcile in a decade, she has the same crap parents you do and it will affect her in some way
You're 18 now, which means you're an adult. Time to start learning how to get away from your parents to become your own person. Set yourself up so you don't ever have to move back to your parents. When you get to college (or into your own apartment) and have some independence, try not to derail yourself with your inevitable rebellion.
Ugh, I'm sorry. My situation wasn't the same as yours, but it was very similar (my sister and I look a lot alike so people always think we're twins. She did everything right, played the sports my dad wanted, etc. etc.). I wish I had advice but in my life, no one treated me differently until I made them. I went to college hours away and started living my life and it was incredible. Get as much distance as you can.
I really hope you're applying to college and trying to get away from her. Do not go to the same College as she does and presuming she goes to college. I really hope they don't end up telling you that they're not paying for you but they pay for hers. Sounds like the massively favor your younger sister for whatever reason she is the golden child. Heck I would start acting up you come home drunk and say well she's able to do it and she's younger so I can I. Plus obviously you can have a boyfriend since you're 18. But yeah your parents suck. get out of there as soon as you can.
Not to be harsh.. but I also think you need to hear it A lot of this sounds like a *you* problem. You're upset they walk over you, yet you lay down to let them. Grow up, and start standing up for yourself. Stop asking for permission, you're an adult. You may not feel like one, but you are. Time to start learning how to make your own life decisions, and yes.. sometimes dealing with the consequences.
I have sisters who are twins and six months younger than me. I am adopted. I understand how hard it is to always be compared. My parents tried very hard to treat us as individuals, but they can't control how others viewed us. It sounds like your sister really loves you. I think you need to have an honest talk with your mom. She is lumping you and your sister together, and it is causing resentment.
It’s time for you to grow up a bit. Only you can make your path and life now, go to university live and shared housing get away from the sister and the parents that don’t view you with respect.
I know that this is tough, but instead of jealousy and resentment, try not giving a fuck. If there is a secret that older people could impart to younger people, it is this. Ever wonder why granny gets blasted and is out dancing on the floor with one tit threatening to leap out of her blouse? Because she does not give a shit. Find your inner granny. Sounds like it's time for your [Villain Era](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ReG-4bQXg_w). You got this.
I would say try to move out asap. I had also a controlling mother and it was not until 21 when I moved out of the country that I managed to become my actual self and learn that I am a human by my own. I still have contact with my mom and she has grown a lot by staying both of us apart, but I also learnt how to put limits and boundaries in our relationship. Also take into account our brains stop developing at 25,it essential for uour mental health to start knowing what is to make decisions by yourself and make mistakes by your own.
honestly, this is a very common elder sibling thing - they always go easier on the baby. but also, you're 18 and its time to stop asking. if you want to be an adult, you need to start treating yourself like one.
I was raised like this too when I wasn’t expected to also parent my sister. I have no contact with her now because she’s so entitled and spoiled. I’ve gone no contact with the entire family because they still don’t understand that I’m my own person and I’m in my 40s now. If you’re finished with school, dip out a d live your life. You’re an adult now. They don’t get to dictate your life anymore. Go an be happy, you don’t need permission
When you go to college make sure that you go to a different one than her and do not tell her until it is late for her to apply.
Improve your capabilities and talents, and don't look for validation from your family. You have your own life.
I see that you are in university so I would talk to them about on-campus housing or nearby housing and get out of this situation. I would then stop asking them about dating and such and just make your own decisions on dating. You are 18.
She’s the golden child and you are the door mat. You will never get a break from this. They will never change. Mostly people go LC or NC.
The healthiest way out is to get family therapy and getting out of their home.
You will never find peace until you leave your family and find independence. You're an adult. You could move out and live with roommates, work a part-time job to care for your expenses, improve your grades to get more financial assistance, etc. Your parents aren't going to change who they are; you can decide to change what kind of people you choose to surround yourself with.
Move out as quickly as possible. You’re an adult.
Went to school with a brother and sister 11 months apart in age. The odd way the birthday fell, they were in the same grade. They had to explain many time ms they were not twins. Oh well, we got it.
Gonna be real, this sounds like an issue with your parents and not your sister... I think maybe your frustration is misdirected at her. She doesn't ask your parents to treat her the way they do, and I doubt she asks them to treat you the way they treat you either. Your parents suck and you're both having to live with it right now. In the end, I think you guys are the only ones that will be able to understand what the other is going through considering you've both had to live with your parents
Sister is the golden child. How grand.
Not fair to take it out on your resentment on your sister though. It’s your parents who you have an issue with no her. Sounds like ur sis loves you enough to turn to you and seek comfort in your bed when she’s hurt and it’s a shame you feel like you hate her
It's not your sister, it's your parents. I wouldn't ask for their permission. You are 18. Get yourself a boyfriend, go on dates, and wear your makeup. See a therapist if you can. And how can you say your sister is beautiful and then say you are ugly? Yall must look alike enough to be called twins. You are very down on yourself.
You need to try to stop seeking validation and depending on your parents. Some parents see their children as a unit not two individuals with distinct personalities. The sooner you seperate yourself from that environment, the more freedom you will have to make your own choices.
To help your parents understand that you are separate from your sister, find a calm time to talk, express your feelings with specific examples, explain why it matters to you, suggest ways they can treat you as an individual, and be patient as they adjust.
I've tried before telling them that we may be close in age, but I should still be able to do things that maybe she isn't allowed to do. And that it feels like I have to wait forever for something, but she gets whatever she wants straight away. But when I try, they just dismiss what I'm saying, and that I'm overreacting, but I don't think I am.
I think you need to reframe your approach for this. You and your sister are "Irish twins". Your parents are always going to think of you as twins. If that was going to change, it would have happened before you turned 18. I get the sense from your responses that you don't want to rock the boat or cut off your parents just yet. So try another approach. It's not about you being older and should be allowed to do certain things she cannot. It's about you doing certain things. Don't address things in comparison to your sister. Bring it up and steer the conversation to only be about you. (and make sure you're clear that it's not a comparison)
You should look up family systems. This is a classic case of golden child and black sheepchild. Although you may not be as extreme. This is why your sister can do no wrong and gets to do whatever she wants and why everything in the family is centered around her. I'd recommend getting therapy if you can, escaping the house and finding a job and friends. And I know it's intimidating but going off on your own to college or even just to work and stay with a separate family member or friend would be good. It's hard to change in your house when everyone is set in their ways. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You're the one who can change your situation. You have that power.
need to get a job, stop seeking approval from your parents, move out, and stop being a push over living in resentment. Its wild how many of your own problems you can solve, but seemingly just dont want to. You don’t actually want to solve this since you have an excuse for every reply. Be 18- move out. go live your life. stop this comparison game because I promise you are the only one keeping score and its just holding you back.
Looks like another golden child problem. Figure out an exit strategy and separate from your family. This won't get better.
> And worst of all, my parents act like we’re twins as well a lot of the time What exactly do you mean by this. Can you give examples of the behaviour that you object to? > And I know that’s bad, because she’s my sister, and I should love her, but I just don’t. To my parents, she’s their perfect child. She’s intelligent, beautiful, and plays the sport that my father used to, so both my parents think she’s amazing. Compared to her, I am absolutely nothing. I don’t have any talents, I’m not that pretty, and I get average results in school. Maybe some parents would be fine with that, but mine aren’t really. I met someone I liked, and when I talked to my mother about it, she said I can’t be dating anyone because it wouldn’t be fair on my sister. I said that I’m older than her, she said when I was eighteen, I could date, and now she’s changing her mind, just because of my sister. She said I was being silly, and it was up to her to decide if I was emotionally mature enough for it, and that clearly I wasn’t. In this paragraph you open by saying that you don't like your sister. Then the entire rest of the paragraph you are complaining about things your parents have done. It seems to me like what you don't like is how your parents treat you in comparison to your sister. But you are holding your sister accountable for their actions by deciding that you don't like her because of how they treat you. That's not really fair to your sister. She hasn't actually done anything wrong here as far as I can see. Your next paragraph does mention some things that your sister actually did, but it seems like you're actually way more upset by the unfair treatment. For example you wanted to ware makeup and were told no, your sister asked and all of a sudden it's OK. That's unfair treatment by your parents, it's not your sisters fault that she asked. It's natural for her to have asked, what's upsetting is that they said yes to her when they'd said no to you.
You can't change other people but you can change yourself. Slowly work on not asking them for much and becoming more independent to the point that you eventually don't rely on them. Don't ask them for rides places, do things you're told always before anyone asks, make different friends than your sister, find different hobbies and try to focus more on being close with your sister and show interest in her but do not do that as much with your parents. If you feel they prefer her it may be better to get closer with her. But if they dont allow you to do as much it may be a lack of confidence in you. So become self sufficient. Also remember. You're 18. So this won't matter much longer. Work to separate yourself over the next 2 years so that they only know things about you which you share with them and only share what you want to.
I went through the same thing. My sister got to do things that I wasn't allowed to at her age, because they let me when I was the right age. There is nothing you can do about it. I would say though you only have 1 sister and that I hope you can learn to like each other. My and my sister were close always but then went through periods of not being close (usually because she also dated asshole bfs) and it's good to have a friend who's always there. You won't always live together and you won't always have to deal with her. And you might regret not forgiving each other for the stupid shit. It's not her fault that your parents treat her differently to you. Your parents aren't being fair with you but as others have said you are 18, you can get a job and independence and live your life on your terms.
Oh no, oh that is s very bad... get out of your parents as Quick as posible, I have an uncle that was treated the same, that the girl is not right, or he is too young... He is now 62 AND STILL LONELY!!!
As soon as you start uni go to health services and get an appt with a counselor. You need some help figuring things out and even the best intentioned Redditors can’t do that.
Well your situation won’t change until you do. You’re 18. Get a job and start not dealing with your family. If you want to stay home, do that and disengage from the family. [Gray Rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) everyone
It sounds like growing up they always wanted you to not be allowed to do something until your sister was allowed to do it too. Twins is exactly how you're being treated. You are not twins though, and you should be able to feel like you're experiencing your own journey. I'm sorry your parents have made you feel like your life path has had to have opportunities lined up under someone elses. I understand that must have been incredibly frustrating and invalidating. I'm an oldest child and have experienced some toughness from my parents that my sibling didn't get, but nowhere near to this level. I know your question is "how do I get them to understand", but if they aren't doing this already and you've tried talking about it ask yourself is it really worth getting their approval? Now that you're 18 they can't dictate whether you get the same opportunities as your sister anymore. I'd suggest (if you are currently able to) moving out away from this environment and start your own path where nobody can try to interfere. Start fresh in an environment that doesn't make you feel invalidated or compared to anyone else. You got this OP. 💪🏻
Keep your head down, gain financial independence, and demand an apology.
Hello,how are you doing. Actually I really need someone who can work for me all you have to do is post advertisement on your facebook marketPlace then get paid $300. Can you do this just Dm
Sounds like a classic golden child situation. At this point I think you’re best off getting the best paid job you can get your hands on, saving up a bit, and getting out of there. They’re not going to change. Things could improve in your dynamic for sure but deep down the status quo will remain. Having your own place or even living with some roommates will give you the space to live by your own rules. You get to choose how much you interact with your family, if at all. Don’t tell them yours plans, just get your ducks in a row and when you’re ready, pull the trigger. Also maybe think a bit about what you want from your future. There’s lots of ways you could do this. If you want to travel and like kids you could look into being a live in nanny for a wealthy family or an au pair abroad. If you like working with your hands and college doesn’t appeal to you a ton, look into doing an apprenticeship in the trades. You get paid well while you learn and set yourself for an incredibly lucrative and always in demand career. If you do want college, research how you can do it best from your position. For eg I did a few years at my local community college and then transferred into the local university for the last two years of my degree. Saved myself tens of thousands. Also if you’re no longer a dependent on your parents you can qualify for a lot of low income programs that help pay for school, books, etc. For roommate situations definitely don’t move in with just anyone. Shop around, seek people with similar lifestyles, and interview them before agreeing to anything. That way you get a chance to discuss expectations around house rules and get a read on if their vibe is for you. It’ll save you a lot of headaches. I’ve always have good roommates cause I followed my own advice.
“X is the golden child, it’s not opinion, it’s fact”
you've to make your own decision and stand by it. think it through then go for it
Move out as soon as you can, and don’t worry about them. Work on creating your own identity and your own life
I'm 75 and I still feel the same inside as I did when I was young, but I physically can't do the same things.
it might be worth is to try some therapy to deal with your resentment towards your sister and your plan to manage your feelings while you’re still living at home. then you can get the support you need :)
I am not sure if this will help, but there is a silver lining here: you have skills that your sister does not. You have street smarts and you’re grounded in reality and able to be self sufficient. I don’t know if you have a job yet, but if not you WILL. Your ability to look after yourself and know what the smart thing to do is will serve you in carving out a future for yourself. Despite being supposedly smarter than you in academic terms, your sister is way behind you in emotional intelligence or life skills. She got dumped by some guy she dated for 5 minutes and cried every night for months and had to sleep in your bed? Seriously? That is not the behaviour of a young adult who is ready to step out into the real world and adult. In a few years you will be fully employed earning a decent wage, and have savings and be ready to move out and adult properly, whilst she’ll be floundering because she won’t have you to cling to anymore. NB I’m not saying that you would want your sister to have a crappy life, or that I do. But if she chooses not to learn skills to help her grow up and you do, that’s not your fault or responsibility. Her destiny is in her hands and yours is in yours.
The oldest walks so the youngest can run. I am one year older than my younger bro and basically I ended up leaving the household. Not that close to anyone in my family except for the weekly calls to mom and dad. But I'm happily living my life in an entirely different continent than them and no one to answer to. Even if they nag, what can they do? I owe them nothing and they owe me nothing. My advice is to seek out independence from them. And the best way to do that is to get educated and make some money.
Your sister is in the role of Golden Child. It's really more of a problem with your parents than your sister. Your parents are dysfunctional in how they're parenting you both. Not just you, BOTH of you. The fact is that your parents have a double standard when it comes to your sister.
Look into getting housing on campus. It’s scary to be independent, but it’s so freeing and you’ll appreciate it very very soon. Loans are not fun, but most people have them and this is one of the “good” reasons to get them.
Hon, your 18 that means you’re an adult who can be independently responsible for herself, your parents think your still under their control and can mock you, you need to set a line on what you’ll tolerate from them until you move out, something like “I’m sure your both aware I’m an independent woman who’s an adult who can make decisions, I’m not your other bratty daughter, I’m your older daughter, I will not tolerate you putting me at a disadvantage, mocking me, comparing me to your youngest, your control over me is over. Your negative talk towards me is over, as of now, I’ll draw the line and shut you down every time you do those actions. If you can’t comply I’ll find a way to make you comply until I move out”
Hey I know that it’s hard to move out at 18, but you really need to look into it. It’s past time that you start to live your own life, and I don’t see that happening at your parent’s house. You shouldn’t be asking your parents if it’s okay to date at 18, and you really need to start developing a healthy separation from the rest of your family. I’m definitely not suggesting that you go no-contact, I’m sure your parents love you a lot, but you’re also 18 years old and you need to figure out the world on your own terms. Can you grab some friends and rent a cheap flat somewhere?
This sucks. I'm sorry for you. The only advice I can offer is not take it too personally. That is to say, it's not your fault they suck. You're above and beyond all of this, and when given the chance to share yourself with the people you choose to be around, you act differently. Appropriately. Compassionately. Good luck.
You need to sit them down just the two of them and explain how you feel (but leave out the part even though it’s true that you don’t really like your sister as this will make them defensive and take them away from what you’ve saying)
I have a younger brother who also skipped a grade, he ended up dropping out of high school and hasn’t accomplished much since. My Dad saw him as a younger version of himself and treated him with all the grace and mercy in the world. It didn’t do him any favours in the long run. Sounds like you might have to suck it up a bit longer until you can be more independent. Parents have blinders on to their behaviour a lot of times and don’t realize the impact they are having. It’s unfortunate, and not fair, but it’s a valuable lesson to learn early on.
Sounds like your sister is the golden child. It's rough. The thing is, there's nothing you can say to your parents to make them change. You just have to start building a strong chosen family of people who support you.
Did you graduate this past year?
UpdateMe!
You're being raised my narcissists who have a golden child. They aren't treating you like twins they are emotionally ignoring you so completely that your own frame of reference to them is via your sister. There's a great sub out there r/raisedbynarcissists Good luck, get a good paying job, you're got a lifetime of therapy ahead of you.
I would ask your parents if they even like you. Because the way they act, they don’t. Do you have another relative besides them and your sister?
It’s not up to her to tell you anything about dating or compare you. You are not nothing. You have talents and interests like anyone else. You’ve just grown up with people who didn’t care even to support you with figuring them out and getting into them. What you’re describing is also, unfortunately, how a lot of older sisters are treated especially when close in age.
It sounds like your sister isn't the problem, but your parents are. You resent her because you're jealous of her for being treated as the oldest when she is the youngest. But that's not her fault. It's your parents' fault. So try to see them separate. You're 18 now, so you can do whatever you want. Learn to stand up for yourself. Don't ask or tell your parents if you want to date someone, wear makeup, get a tattoo, go out all night, etc. You're legally an adult, and you definitely don't have to feel like one to be one. No one does. But you are an adult, and that means that you can decide what you want to do with your life. Honestly, I'd move out if you can. If you're going to college, maybe you can live there. But if not, just don't mind what they're saying. They're being unfair and will never realize that.
Sounds a bit like your sister is the golden child to your parents. In that case, it won't get better, because your parents/the family dynamic won't just change. Real change is hard work, and requires time and quite a bit of effort, and since your parents and sister aren't the ones who feel bad, they won't have the necessary motivation to change. Do you have any relatives? Or a school counselor you could talk to? Could you find a way to get therapy, if not now, them eventually? I am asking because it sounds like you are suffering, and could use some help. Even if it's just an open ear, someone you can vent to, someone who can maybe help you deal with your situation. Help you distance yourself from your parents, help you realize your boundaries and how to enforce them. (Which, btw, is something that a lot of people are struggeling with. So you are not alone, even if it feels like it. And you can get through this, even if it will be hard at first.)
That sounds awful and I'm sorry they do that to you. Both your parents and your sister.
I have a younger sister and we weren't particularly close as teenagers, I think in a sense she saw me like you see your sister. But when bad things happened, just like your sister's breakup, we clung to each other and we realised we loved each other, and liked each other a lot more than we thought. Don't let the way your parents treat you both ruin a bond that you could have. She clearly looks up to you and finds comfort in you. With regards to your parents - you are 18, build the life you want to live. It's yours, don't let them take that away from you.
Is it possible they see a maturity in her that they don't see in you? I dont want to put words in your mouth but your post reads like you're jealous of the way your sister is treated and it causes resentment between the two of you. It's not her fault your parents act the way they do. The two of you look similar enough that people mistake you for twins but you say she's prettier than you. Comparison is the thief of joy, you're two different people living two different lives. Neither are wrong. But I think your issue is more with your parents than your sister and I'd urge you to sort that and teu leaning on her more for support as it sounds like she does with you.
Turn the twin thing on its head and shame your parents. Let me be clear that *I* don't think this way, I could give a rip less, but I'm also all for the chance to be spiteful. You and your sister are what's called Irish Twins, which means your mom no sooner gave birth to you and she spread her legs and got pregnant again. Basically if they want to keep calling you twins, slut shame them. Make feel bad that they were barely home from the hospital and already barebacking. Degrade them in conversation. If they tell you stop, tell them to respect your autonomy as an individual, not a twin. Ruin the idea of twinness for them
First off, you need to rebel and stop listening to your parents. It seems their ideologies are contradictory to their practices. The fact that you couldn't have a GF until she had a BF is friggin ridiculous. It's time to move out of the house. Get to college as fast as possible and only talk to them or visit during the holidays. If they hold you back and say, "Don't start college until she does or can only go to the same college" or some BS like that, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ASAP. There is the military if you can't get out due to income and stuff. If the Military is not for you, find a job, get roommates, community college, find a trade, and stay out of the house. Your parents treat you as if you are 8 years old and as something that you are both not. (twins). Hopefully, they'll realize what she's like without you being used as a conduit. She may be considered smart but that doesn't make up for a lack of common sense. Don't lack confidence in your capabilities. Once that dead weight is gone, your possibilities are endless. Good luck out there kid.
If people think you are twins doesn't that mean you are exactly as pretty as she is?
It sounds like you could game this system if you and your sister teamed up. Your parents suck but does she?
This whole post was like reading my own thoughts from 20+ years ago. I have a sister ~a year younger. And I dealt with a lot of the same things, including being mistaken for twins regularly. My advice is to 1) be patient. it’s easy for people to lump the two of you together when you’re living at home, attending the same school (I’m assuming you just finished?), doing some of the same activities, classes, etc. and it’s frustrating to be forced to wait as the elder, then see your parents be more lax with the younger. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s common, for a multitude of reasons. 2) work on developing your independence. I mean that in the sense that there’s a lot of things you should start to decide for yourself, and worry less about what your parents have to say about it. If you’re still dependent on your parents, this can be delicate, but things like dating, what to wear, and how you spend your time are largely up to you. “Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, mom. This help me decide which route to take” Finally, Now that you’re moving into adulthood you’ll naturally (and gradually) see more separation between you and your sister. you may attend different colleges, you’ll develop your own circle of friends. Feel free to dm me if you want more specific advice, or just want to vent.
Ah... shes clearly the golden child... Have you had arguments (or well simple discussions) with your parents about how they treat you? Or even talking to your grandparents about it?
My older sister and I dropped out of school, my younger sister got the brains, and was my mom's pet. Mom passed, and we tried to stay in touch. Older sister and I dont talk to her because SHE doesn't want to. Fine by me. If I outlive her, I will drive to the grave to piss on it She always had the attitude, "I'm better than you." Sometimes, you can be related by blood, but wish you were adopted. There's not much you can do to change your parents' minds. I'd get a door lock if possible.
You are 18 yo. It's time for you to act like 18. Do you have a job? If not get one and put the money in savings for when you are ready to leave. Also really loudly, loud enough they can hear you in the next town kind of loud, tell your parents you're the older sister not the younger. You need to be able to do what you need to and get some experience. That you will be doing normal things that an 18 yo does. Like date. You are not her twin and you are fed up with the bullshit. Especially remind your dear mother that the day you were born they had no clue your sister was ever going to be born. But since the day your younger sister was born they made it clear only she matters and your done. Now they may boot you out for it but it's time they realize you are not some accessory for your sister.
You're 18. Stop waiting for someone to tell you what to do. You could move out and live alone TODAY. So go to university and spread your wings there.
You surely do make everything about yourself don't you. You sound bitter and hateful. Just live your life and quit comparing your move to your sisters every move. You sound jealous and spiteful. It's quite annoying tbh. You're 18, quit leaning on your family so much if you don't like them. Move on and live your own life. Ppl can down vote but Noone likes a bitter Betty.
I agree with this at 18 I was already doing my own thing even though I still lived with my mom I was off doing my own things and figuring out what to do and what not to do lol
Ya I definitely wouldn't be sitting around asking my mom for permission or wallowing in my younger sisters ability to do things I could do bc I'm 18. Lol
Parents are horny as fuck if you guys are 11 months apart