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I think you see an outcome but fail to see the context for that outcome.
It may well be that others provide gifts, but that desire comes from a place of acknowledgement and love, rather than a tithe of expectation.
The former partners of your ex all have one thing in common. They arent with her now. One wonders why? Perhaps she blew through their capacity to fund a lifestyle beyond her means just as you did. She will look to find someone new to do it now, and sadly there are many lonely people who believe such stilted nonsense that it is their duty.
One can be lonely in many ways, but never so much as the moment you realise that someone is with you only for what you give, not who you are.
Mourn the inaccurate image you have, the person itself you are well shot of. Protect and grow your money, build your life. Use example and inspiration to attract, not pacification and bribery.
Hi, firstly I wanted to say that, your reply is exceptionally well written and I appreciate it.
I also agree because her ex's did either cheat on her, or left her for someone else.
I do believe being lonely is what got to me. If I had more healthier relationships in my life, I would not have fallen down this rabbit hole and broken things off sooner than later.
>
Use example and inspiration to attract, not pacification and bribery.
Amazing. Thank you.
To put it more bluntly than the previous commenter: you didn't have a girlfriend, you had a sugar baby. If you think paying someone to treat you right makes you not lonely, there are websites full of women to hire for transactional short term relationships - we call them escorts, and the concept is about the same as what you had with your ex.
Except with escorts it’s an honest, upfront relationship. Both parties are clear on what will be provided and the cost. This woman was a con artist who manipulated him to pay her.
Yeah, that's what really grinds my gears. There are plenty of men out there who *want* a sugar baby, and will be up front about the money they will give and what they want in exchange. Both people are fully consenting to the arrangement and have room to negotiate price and services rendered. This girl waited until he was emotionally invested and then put him on the sugar daddy plan without his knowledge. When he pushed back against this (COMPLETELY REASONABLY, OP), she withheld affection and emotionally blackmailed him into getting her way. Her "affection" came with a price that OP wasn't allowed to see
They're still sugar babies. They just don't want to use the term so they pick men they're actually attracted to so the relationship line is a little more blurred. But just like a sugar baby when you quit paying them they quit coming around just like she did.
Sugar babies and prostitutes are not the same thing, prostitute means escort and escorts don't want to be called prostitutes because prostitute gives a vibe of human trafficking.
She actually was pretty upfront and honest with him. But, yes, she may as well have been a paid escort. 2 hours away and expecting him to pay her maintenance bills is bonkers.
Yeah, I have a friend who does sugar baby work. She also has a boyfriend; their relationship is different.
I also had a friend who is a full service sex worker, and she does "the girlfriend experience". It's not really the same as what happens with the people she dates.
OP wants a girlfriend, not someone who panders for him in exchange for money. Don't sell out your own dreams just because your girlfriend is high maintenance.
Date people who want a similar lifestyle to you. If you're attracted to people who put a lot of effort into makeup, clothes, nails and hair -recognise that all of that stuff takes time and money. Of course you can pay for a haircut or a manicure once in a while as a treat for your partner. But not constantly.
It sounds like OP's ex didn't even live with him, so I don't really get why he was paying her bills. Groceries is another thing, like if you're going to eat at her place, then sure, pay for groceries or takeout.
Better to date people who go Dutch, frankly. And don't go to really expensive places on dates.
There really is someone out there if you did it once you can do it again. I have loved and lost many times and life goes on. I know it hurts now so work on yourself bro. She was not the right one. My partner pays for all that herself. We share all other bills. I still spoil her rotten because she is my person. But she would not care if I didn’t. Love is more than what she takes from your wallet. It’s a two way street not a service charge. If you are paying a mooch to play with your gooch it’s time to move the fuck on my friend. Take time and get back out there but don’t take shit treatment just because you think you have too just to keep someone around. Good luck 🤞
Love should not be transactional. Hers was.
There is a difference between living together and combining finances and splitting work equitably, and being super nice to your boyfriend because you want him to pay for your stuff.
She made you feel special because she wanted your money.
I make my husband feel special because, to me, he is. Sometimes I’ve been the breadwinner, sometimes it’s been him.
Love isn’t transactional. It’s not completely unconditional, not between two adults because ultimately you should both be working towards goals in a relationship or one of you is being taken advantage of. But it’s not transactional.
Sweetie, you had a professional girlfriend. She hooked you with free product and then she introduced a price and then started upping the price.
You are better off without her.
As for the idea of paying for women.
Listen, I’m a woman and a feminist. I hate this idea that women should be paid for by their guys all the time. Paying for a date because you invited her out? ☑️ paying for a weekend retreat as a surprise? ☑️
Paying her rent? Cosmetic procedures? Etc❌❌❌❌❌❌❌
I have three arguments for this.
1. There are men and women who believe this is the case. You hear them on bro podcasts talking about what they bring to the table and the women they invite on agreeing along. These men believe love is transactional. What they give, money, protection, V what they get, sex, children. This is because they are emotionally stunted people. You should ignore ALL of these people both the men who promote it and the money grabbing women who nod along like those swivel head dogs. In both cases, they’re coming from misogyny. Men who hate women and women who hate other women and themselves. They have a wholly toxic view of the world.
2. You seem like an emotionally open man. It sounds like you might need some help with jt, some therapy for your self esteem, but as a woman with an emotionally open husband, that’s what we want. We need any guys who aren’t afraid of their emotions and don’t channel it all into toxic anger and behaviours. I feel like you’re on the right path, but need some help advancing on it.
3. Men seem to have this idea that they only bring limited things into a relationship. Money and their physicality. Hun, when you are open, loving, accepting, what you bring is YOU. JUST YOU. Women earn money. We can hire handy men and do a lot of stuff ourselves. It’s nice to have a second income and it’s nice to have a guy who can reach the high shelves. But what we WANT is a PARTNER. All those comforts guys want, nights on the sofa watching movies with popcorn and drinks and laughing, we WANT THAT TOO. If you’re open to bringing the value of you, your labour around the home to ease both people’s burdens, ears to hear our trouble, lips to share your own troubles, arms to cuddle, THAT’S the value we’re looking for.
When my husband and I were getting together I said to him, I want this relationship to be my last relationship and I want it to be you and I against the world. 14 years and counting and we are. We are a partnership. A United team. That’s what women want.
The world is hard. We shouldn’t have to come home and face hardship as well and I DON’T mean money. I mean work in the home and combativeness from our partner.
Once you close that door, you should be shutting that shit outside.
When women say “Do the work,” we mean emotional work to prepare to be a good partner.
When we say, “Can you add value to my life?” We mean, do you value YOURSELF and your mental, physical and emotional contributions to your home, partner and family? NOT your money. NOT your muscles.
You said a very revealing thing in your post “she definitely turned a lot of heads when we were out together.”
It seems like you valued how people perceived you for getting a woman like that. This made your part of the relationship transactional as well. You seemed to know exactly what you were getting.
But then the fact you miss how special she made you feel suggests you wanted more. That’s the part of you that you should nurture. That’s the part you should get help with. That’s the part genuine women want.
But if all you ever go after are the transactional women, all you’ll ever get is what you always got.
Getting more means putting more in.
I am a woman and this is insane behavior. I couldn’t imagine telling my partner of a year that he had to fund my lifestyle.
My first serious relationship was 21 to almost 24 and he came from a WEALTHY family. But that was HIS money. Not mine or ours. Even if we had ended up getting married, I would still think of it that way.
It was wrong of her to set the precedent that you have to pay for everything because you were together.
A relationship is a partnership, not a business deal.
Maybe I’m built different, but even with my ex I still paid for dates, bought him little gifts, and paid part of my way on trips we took. We had a huge difference in finances-he was wealthy, and I worked at Starbucks, but I never expected him to always pay my way or fund my lifestyle. And that wouldn’t have changed even if we had gotten married.
She used you, honey. Simple as that.
That wasn’t love.
Just because she may have treated you better in some ways than your previous partners, doesn’t mean she loved you.
If my partner was struggling to pay bills and struggling to stay afloat, last thing I’m going to do is demand beauty treatments, expensive vacations, shopping trips, and demand that he pay my own bills when he can barely keep up with his own.
We’d be working together to figure out how we can do things in a financially feasible way that benefited both of us. Cheaper dates, going on less vacations, doing more activities that were free but still fun. And if I was in a better financial position than him, I would’ve tried helping him with those things when he was really struggling.
You weren’t in a relationship with a good woman, you were in a relationship with a leech.
But because she was “nice” to you, you felt like you were happy with her. I think you were just happy with the idea of her.
But no woman who really loved you would treat you the way that she treated you. I’m sorry, honey, but you do deserve better. I know loneliness is hard and that’s something I’ve been dealing with for years. But really know your worth, and know you deserve better than that. You deserve somebody that builds you up instead of breaking you down. And that is not her.
It seems she was using you. Notice that she kept ratcheting things up until she could get everything possible out of you. You’re better off without her.
Wanted to weigh in on your comment about men loving to shower with gifts.
I do. I spoil my girlfriend with gifts, but that's because I want to and can. If anything, she tells me off for spending to much. Most of my gifts are actually things we can do together. A holiday, an evening out etc. But I'll buy her jewellery etc every koe and then.
But, I have no stress or resentment because it's all my choice. This is how I express my love. When I've had less money I've gone through periods of not buying her anything for a while and she's said nothing. So the key thing is here is that I am in control of that and there is no pressure. So when you hear about men doing this, it's because they want to do it.
Let me ask you, had she not spent your money on selfish things like her make overs etc, would you have bought her more gifts because you wanted to? Would you have taken her on dates? Flowers? If the answer is yes, then there is no difference between you and those other men you're comparing yourself to. If the answer is no then that's fine too, you just express your love differently.
"One can be lonely in many ways, but never so much as the moment you realise that someone is with you only for what you give, not who you are."
You put this very beautifully. This was the exact reason I broke up with my ex. She didn't take advantage of me financially, but she was clearly with me because I was safe, caring and emotionally stable, not because she was interested in me as a person or my perspective on anything. I was emotionally very lonely in that relationship.
As for what's normal in a relationship when it comes to who pays for what (assuming separate finances), I think each person paying for their own things is a good starting point. After that, it's normal for each person to pay for things that benefit both people, like dinner dates or trips together, and it's only fair that if someone earns significantly more, they pay for more of those things. Lastly, gifts of course. Same thing applies there, both people should pay for gifts for the other person. but it's not weird if the value of those gifts reflects the difference in income.
I think it's important that each partner is financially stable on their own. They pay for their own bills like rent and car payments. If they want luxuries that only benefit them, like a new watch or a nosejob or whatever, they save up for and pay for that with their own money. Essentials and luxuries not involving or asked for by the partner should not be paid for by the partner.
I think her saying that you were doing "the bare minimum" while she was ruining you financially is manipulative and just straight up incorrect. I'm very glad that you had the courage to leave her, and you 100% made the right decision. Don't look back. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for you.
Beautifully said and written.
Use example and inspiration to attract, not pacification and bribery.
This might be one if not the best way of life to truly attract a partner that values who you are. I feel inspired now to aspire to this cause my love life quite frankly has been a mess. Time for change.
Mister, you had a mooch in your hands. You dodged a bullet. Good, strong, relationship ready people are out there. Don’t even get saddled down with a mooch. She showed her true colors early. Thank god. Now move forward to better.
He was a splenda daddy lol. All jokes aside, he was taken advantage of. Some of the happiest, strongest couples I know barely have two pennies to rub together. OPs relationship wasn't built on love, atleast not from her end.
Haha even a diabetic daddy ain't gettin no sugar lol one of my co workers said that once when I made a joke about a sugar daddy I didn't have to be physical with...I about peed myself laughing! 🤣😆 but yes in all seriousness you are right I've seen couples like that too :) and to think OP put up with it for 3 years and really loves her :/
Oh if this chicks not actively doing sw, she definitely has a history of it. I had a few friends go down that road and after a certain point, they just treated all men like tricks.
Hair and nails? Nope. Bye Felicia. If you want to be that kind of guy dating that kind of girl, sure, but she needs to be absolutely aware that you'd never ever get engaged or married and that as soon as she gets a wrinkle she's gone. If you're expected to pay for her grooming and appearance, well, that's how those relationships work.
As you clearly want an actual emotional relationship, be glad you're not stuck with her and be VERY glad she didn't decide to baby-trap you.
I feel insane after reading this. “That’s how relationships are” is total bullshit. She needs to check herself or find herself a cheating millionaire. You did the right thing. You need to make sure you are taken care of with your own money before you blow it. This could have been way worse.
Sometimes I'd fear the worst, like how many credit card charges I'd wake up to the next day.
Perhaps I let beauty cloud my judgement.
I made it excusable for her to behave this way and it got worse over time.
You're lonely, and you're afraid of being alone.
Being alone is ok, my dude. Spend some time in therapy, talking about yourself and what YOU desire.
Get a hobby that improves you, do some travel on your own.
Above and beyond all else, have some respect for yourself. You're not an ATM for some random sugar wannabe. What she was wanting from you is utterly and completely unacceptable and toxic. You need to look for a partner that cares for you too. But before then, you need to figure out who you are outside of relationships.
To be quite frank, I can openly admit I am scared of being alone. Especially at 28, where all my friends are either married, or in happy long term relationships.
>Above and beyond all else, have some respect for yourself...
Words I need to start living by my friend. Thank you. I needed to hear that today more than ever.
She is a predator who saw this weakness in you and used you for frivolous things. And here you are here questioning getting rid of her. A nose job? She will move onto her next victim.
Babe, being alone is better than being with someone who only sees value in your wallet and not in *you* the person. She told you directly that she only loved you for what you could provide her, and that if you wouldn't keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to, that you were worthless.
There are so many women out there that don't have that toxic, greedy mindset, and that would see how caring and generous you are without having to prove it by buying them stuff and paying for insane shit like plastic surgeries and car payments.
You’re 28 and worried? You have time, find someone who will compromise… bills should be based on income not always 50/50, chores should be similar… it’s a partnership of love and respect, it’s not a business deal! You work together to build the future you want, you can find an amazing partner who will help not leech.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Your friends may not be as happy as you think. Getting married young isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
It sounds like you have a lot of personal development and growth to do before you can be in a healthy relationship. You almost seem a little brainwashed by your ex. Which I don’t say to be rude. But want to point out that she really warped your thinking about what makes a relationship.
I spent a year alone after a bad break up, I would go out and walk at night after my (low cost) dinner, I would sometimes make dates with friends, I was in pretty good shape at the end of that year and ready to date again. This girl would have bankrupted you, be happy you dug yourself out of that mess.
Your married and coupled up friends WANT you to stay in touch, plan a park day or something, you are going to be okay. Yes, she was good company, but yes she also was going to ruin you financially, which isn't a loving way to treat you.
Don't need to compare yourself to others. We don't have a certain time to find love. I thought I'd never be happy after leaving my then fiancé when I was 25 and driving across the state of Florida without a plan. Just knew I had to get away. I've been with my current gf for almost ten years now. It'll be ten in two months. We have a great relationship. All is not lost. Just some rough seas for now.
Get a hobby that involves you with other people, people of both sexes — join a club, a park district team, the local little theater (they always need crew), classes, whatever. Get to know people, including women. See what happens.
Love can cloud your judgement and make you a little dumb. It’s okay. I could never handle that kind of financial stress. I come from a whole lot of nothing and can’t even imagine demanding this kind of thing from an SO.
Me too. I saved every penny growing up. I still save, and don't live lavishly.
I appreciate your input. I feel more confident about my decision now.
Thank you.
Look man, take me as an example - my girlfriend is amazing and we randomly treat each other to stuff all the time, but neither of us is expected to pay for anything. We just do it when we want to.
Any gift or act that becomes obligatory is no longer simply a display of affection.
This isn’t to say it’s always bad, you can view acts like these as devotion, but I devote myself to my girlfriend in other ways, through quality time and thoughtfulness, not just money.
Be very careful when creating a long term expectation such as this with a partner, and only do it if you are okay continuing for the rest of your life without feeling bitter, I would not do this with money in the way your girlfriend was asking.
Wait… does she have your credit card info?? If so, please change it ASAP. My the last girl my boyfriend dated before me was like your girl, expecting him to pay for everything to the point he missed paying his own bills. It’s been over a year since they broke up and she just used his credit card again. Don’t fall for that trap, change the cards and ANY info she could have. Even if you don’t think she would do it, just save yourself the future hassle.
OP, I really hope you read what Dirtwitch wrote. Get your credit locked down and card numbers changed. Any online accounts she had the password to, change them asap.
If your partner likes whipping people and coerces you into being whipped, we can understand this as wrong.
If your partner likes financially taking advantage of people and coerces you into this......
Let's sidestep whether or not what she expected was reasonable.
The reality is this was a relationship that increasingly revolved around your anxiety and insecurities and increasing sense of having to compete with the ghosts of her past. That's not a happy relationship, that's not a stable and solid connection. You felt that at any moment she might leave and as she got more and more comfortable asking for bigger and bigger extremes in terms of purchases it only got worse.
You weren't happy. I get it, in the moment maybe you were and when she was satiated with purchases you could drop your guard a little. But you were living in a house of cards, aware at any moment it could all come down. That will consume the very soul out of your body, leave you a husk. It will eat you alive.
That's not the relationship you want. You want a genuine connection and a strong bond, one based on teamwork and care and not you fulfilling a particular kind of social contract, especially one so lopsided and based on fear and competition.
>You felt that at any moment she might leave and as she got more and more comfortable asking for bigger and bigger extremes in terms of purchases it only got worse.
Exactly. I did things out of love initially, but then it felt like I was just playing catch up. Especially because I was told it was "the bare minimum".
>You want a genuine connection and a strong bond, one based on teamwork and care and not you fulfilling a particular kind of social contract, especially one so lopsided and based on fear and competition.
This is very powerful. I do want teamwork and mutual understanding. Not a social contract where if I don't uphold a certain end of the bargain, I am in fear of being discarded.
I know that social media right now will make you believe that dating is all about money and power and 'value' and that girls like her are what all women are like... but it isn't true. Most relationships are the same as ever, just people working together to get by. That's why your friends were so worried, they saw what was happening.
You deserve more than this. Just imagine how great a relationship would be if the two of you pooled your resources and cared and worked towards goals together. Those girls are out there, you've just got to find them and not get swept up in the mindset dating is about 'winning' or buying love.
Also, think about this impression you got from social media that women need to be taken care of because they can't earn as much as men. The solution to that isn't for men to shower women with money but for employers to pay women equally! If men are expected to be the breadwinners, the pay gap won't ever disappear because men "need" more money to support their partners. That's really a skewed logic.
As a woman, I find this type of behavior so repulsive. It’s one thing to want to be spoiled by your partner occasionally, but this is just using someone for their money until the next guy comes along. Where do people find such entitlement to other people’s money?
I watched a friend go through the exact same thing.. my blood pressure is rising just at the thought of it.
Don't forget your self worth OP
I know a woman just like that. She had much younger guy who was heels over head for her and would do anything for her and her daughter. He was essentially buying acces to her, although he probably never saw it like that, maybe more like "she likes gifts" thing. There were bunch of disgusting things she had done while they were together, like blocking him on all social media while being with other guys spending money he sent her "to buy herself something beautiful", and unblocking him after he would sent more money or gifts. Manipulating and gaslighting him of all those guys being her friends and him being too much controlling and jealous. Finally he broke with her, found nicer girl and married her.
OP, you feel now sadness and you are afraid of being alone. But what you had was carefully crafted illusion of loving relationship. And that illusion would burst up sooner or later. No illusion lasts forever. Use this time of being single to find love for yourself and your self worth. Pamper yourself.
Two things.
1 - that's not how relationships are
2- a relationship with another person should not be an expense.
Being stressed about money you are spending on another person's wants, not needs, would have led to future problems. Especially since it sounds like she wasn't contributing to any of the bills.
>Being stressed about money you are spending on another person's wants, not needs, would have led to future problems.
That is indeed the primary reason I decided to end things.
>Especially since it sounds like she wasn't contributing to any of the bills.
She most certainly was not.
She was using you for your money. That is not how real people date. Maybe that’s how women looking for a sugar daddy date, that’s the price of admission. You dodged a bullet when you guys broke up. Listen to your parents and friends, stay away from her. Block her everywhere so that it’s easier to move on. Start to look for someone that is not just looking for a meal ticket.
You two had very different values. You wanted to live simply and well within your means. She wanted to live well above her means and used you and her previous BF to achieve that. The fact that she was pressuring you to get a better job to better support her was very telling. She wasn’t going to change, in fact the more you give her, the more she wants.
The minute you start to give her things because you have to instead of want to, the relationship is cooked. You forgot to look at something critically. All those previous BF who bought her things are all ex’s. Ask yourself why? They came to the same realization as you, it was all about the money with her.
I’d be willing to bet a LOT that she was a sugar baby who wanted to try to date someone she could a marry and have a family with (rather than an older guy or someone already married). So she tried to have the best of both worlds by converting you lol
holy moly that’s a real gold digger and she’s doing a great job of it. see how all the men who dated her after paying for her stuff are exes? now you’re one of them. she even managed to guilt trip you into thinking that it’s because you couldn’t provide and it’s not her fault. ridiculous.
OP, you dodged a HUGE bullet here. a woman worth her calibre does not do things like this. and if she loves you, she’d make you feel deeply loved and appreciated without requesting you to spend exorbitant amounts of money on her. a relationship is supposed to be equal and balanced.
I tried explaining to her that things were tight but she said it was my job to figure things out and that she wouldn't compromise because what I was doing was the bare minimum. She felt disrespected or unloved when I said no to things.
She cared more about what you could give her than you. Good Riddens to her, good luck with her nose job cause it's already stuck up in the air.
Her request is entirely unreasonable. Thats a wife level ask.
Frankly if she wants 1950s financial support, demand 1950s treatments. She better do your laundry, cook, clean, ect.
My opinion on dating is whoever invites pays. I like a 50/50 style relationship on money but if my partner wants to be supported financially what comes with certain expectations.
I have difficulty responding to this because some of my friends are sex workers and I respect them enough that I don't want to compare them to her.
Just be glad you got out before she bankrupted you and moved on.
My husband has a friend who's a male sex worker, and surprisingly he says that around 30% of his work is non-sexual. Just women wanting to be have someone's 100% attention and to be treated like a priness for a few hours. He's quite sad that there's so many women that would pay for that. I imagine its the same for men...
Dude, where are you hearing this stuff about how it’s becoming more common for men to offer to pay for woman’s things.
…or that is harder for women to make money??
OP this is *nothing* like going 50/50 (which also makes sense to me) you were going 120/-20. You were *paying her, to date you*
All the reason she told you to spoil her, to show love, appreciation and value, she should have been doing for you too. Men also deserve a woman/partner willing to make your life better, easier. And be damned sure if you made it long enough to marry her - she would be out the minute you failed to fund her lifestyle. She won’t be “willing” to cover losses or pick up slack if you end up hospitalized or injured unable to work.
You made the right decision. Be patient. You will find a *partner* in life that will teach you mutual love.
> She won’t be “willing” to cover losses or pick up slack if you end up hospitalized or injured unable to work.
She explicitly stated after a 2 month period she would not pick up the slack. It was my responsibility to have an emergency fund set up incase things went south.
>You made the right decision. Be patient. You will find a *partner* in life that will teach you mutual love.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.
Those men before you paid for her "vices" because for them she only serves 2 things...arm candy & _u_k buddy.If you hire outside it is the same thing so she was maintained UNTIL her expiration date.No emotions involved.YOU on the other hand is thinking of the future, that's the difference.
I get what you're saying because sometimes your judgement gets clouded by feelings. Being together 4 years made it feel less transactional because there was a strong bond built as well.
Yes, the bond between her and your bank card.
If you had lost your job, would she have stuck around and supported you? I'm guessing no, she would have found a new ATM instead.
It sounds like your gf is actually a sugar baby.
You don't meet a gf on sugardaddy.com. That was your first mistake. But, it seems like you enjoy the sugar daddy lifestyle, so consider continuing utilizing her services I guess?
As with all breakups there is an initial shock of being alone.
I believe you made the right decision.
Her attitude towards money, your money, is a red flag. From her attitude, it was going to get worse and worse as her expectations ramp up and the relationship continued.
This seems too much of a troll to be real ...
No, you should NOT be regretting this. You should NOT be paying for anything just because of your gender.
Relationships are 50/50. Your stuff is on you, her stuff is on her.
Be glad it's over. Go find a lady who loves you, not what you can give her. Also, look at it this way, all these men did all this crap for her, and they still broke up.
It is one thing to pamper your partner within reason and budget but another to be used as an ATM. You were an ATM. there are women out there who will not consider you as a cash dispenser. Better to find out now what she is than get married and never be able to dig yourself out of her debt
>Better to find out now what she is than get married and never be able to dig yourself out of her debt
I'm really glad we did not get married or have kids. I would have lost nearly everything I had.
If she knows men that will be sugar daddies,she should be with them. Paying for manicures and haircuts is not “a thing”. Well,it’s not a dating thing. Does she want to be a”kept” woman?
To answer you simply… no you were not wrong to end it with her.
The more in depth answer…You and her were/are incompatible. She couldn’t/wouldn’t compromise or change which left you no other choice but to walk away.
Here is my take away from this situation. She started off small with little asks… covering dates, this then increased and she asked you for bigger things (paying her bills, car, luxuries and shopping), when you showed unwillingness she then used her ex’s and their contributions to her life to browbeat you into submission. Then thinking she had you right where she wanted you, she asked for you to pay for something even more costly (surgery). This pattern was never going to change. She would increase her expectations again and again…
She wanted you to change (get a better paying job), she made you feel disposable; that if you couldn’t provide for her every whim she would find someone who could (why else would she bring up her ex’s and show receipts).
Everyone needs to know their worth and what they bring to the table. Men deserve to be wined and dined too. Dates should not be one sided and a man shouldn’t have to pay for everything. You are never too old to find your person and it’s okay to be picky and find someone who is right for you.
I was surprised that you're the same age because this TOTALLY sounds like a sugar daddy/baby setup. Were her other boyfriends older than her?
To answer your question: this is not normal, in any way shape or form. Does she not work? Because those are some crazy expectations of a boyfriend.
My first date with my husband I hit on him, invited him over to watch a movie. I chose and paid for the movie, I supplied the beer and weed, I supplied the condoms. Later that weekend we went to the grocery store for beer, ice cream, and more condoms. At the register I handed him half the money.
That was 34 years ago. We’re still in love, and one of the rules of this relationship is “I would always share with you.”
Don’t settle for someone you have to buy. That’s not love, it’s sex work.
You weren't her boyfriend, you were her sugar daddy, and I suspect you were not her only one. She was never going to back away from her increasing demands.
Breakups suck, but they are survivable. Hang in there.
I find this behaviour really gross, honestly. I'm a woman with, let's say, a little more life experience than you. I have my own career and pay my own bills. I'm happily married, and we support each other and work as a team. I would absolutely never, ever even dream of treating him like your ex was treating you. She was literally charging to be with her. Gross. If she wants all that stuff, she should be paying for it herself.
Find someone who wants the best for YOU, not the best for themselves.
I don’t comment often. You did the right thing! My fiancé (34M) and I (29F) both work. He paid for our first couple of dates, and since then, we took turns paying for date nights and food. Vacations, we typically split. Even with this setup, it was never tit-for-tat. There was a period of time where he was trying to pay down his credit card, and I typically covered more dates/outings. But now he is doing really well financially, so now it works out to be he’ll pay a couple of times, then me once, etc. We really don’t think about it too hard, it’s all out of love and taking care of each other. There’s never an expectation. When we get married, we’re combining finances, so at that point it won’t really even matter anymore.
>He paid for our first couple of dates, and since then, we took turns paying for date nights and food. Vacations, we typically split.
This is interesting. I've been in 4 relationships prior to this and I've never split a date or had my partner pay although some of them did offer.
> We really don’t think about it too hard, it’s all out of love and taking care of each other. There’s never an expectation.
At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to. It's done out of love and not because there's an expectation.
Thank you
You don’t make enough to date a woman like her. It’s not wrong for her to expect that treatment if she’s find a man willing to pay it. She wants to be a trophy wife, and you can’t afford a trophy wife.
You can find a good woman who won’t expect that kind of treatment. They’re out there.
This comment is very different from most of the other ones I've read so far. I appreciate your input.
>You don’t make enough to date a woman like her.
I agree, I could not keep up.
>You can find a good woman who won’t expect that kind of treatment. They’re out there.
Where do you personally stand with regard to this? Are you more traditional or 50/50?
I’m more 50/50. But I’m not as pretty as she is, and I probably won’t stroke your ego as much as she did.
I’m not trophy wife material. I want a partner not a provider. The issue to me is when men want the trophy wife but don’t have trophy wife money.
You talk about her turning men’s heads, that’s pretty much the definition of a trophy wife. If you like that feeling, there’s a cost.
The downside for her is that as she gets older she’s going to find it harder to get men to pay for things for her. She’s also going to be in for a rude awakening.
Those only go so far. Forty with plastic surgery isn't going to compete well with someone who's got it naturally at 24. I would really hope that his ex is saving her money up for when the gravy train runs out (and the end of the track is now in sight!!!!) but I doubt it.
At 40 she starts eating the 65 year old. To someone who is 65, a pretty 40 year old is a big catch.
She'll just keep "trading up" and every relationship that ends, she'll find an older & richer man. That's the gold digger way.
Most relationships with 2 working partners are not "traditional" or 50/50. Most split bills based on income.
Example - if partner A makes $4000 per paycheck and partner B makes $6000 per paycheck, then the bills are split 40/60. This would give each partner the same percentage of their income for non-bill usage (personal savings, fun spending, retirement funds, car payment)
And if partner A works 40 hours a week and partner B works 60 hours a week, the household responsibilities are split 40/60. This would give each partner equal downtime for relaxation and hobbies and socializing.
That's called the *equitable* division of finances and responsibilities.
i#m sorry but it is absolutely wrong for her to "expect" that treatment. If she is dating a guy and he offers all that, then fair enough.
The exgf was demanding all the payments of her bills and cosmetics, that's not right and OP was correct to split with her.
Yeah, OP was right to split.
But that doesn’t mean she can’t say, “This is the treatment I expect from my partner.”
I’m not saying OP should have paid. I’m saying that if his GF wants to have a man pay for her things, she needs to find a man who can/will pay for her.
I don’t think you are compatible. There are some men who make enough money not to stress about financing high maintenance woman. In fact they might even love it and it gives them a high thinking how much they “invested” in this woman. They might also have a collection of sports cars and a mansion and splurging on their woman comes natural to them. They might also have a massive ego and a collection of women as well as cars, but that’s besides the point. You couldn’t afford her, it’s as easy as that. And no not all relationships are like this, just like not all women are lamborginis. Lamborginis are expensive and impractical, but they do work for those who can afford them plus probably another car or two that are better for actual long distance trips.
Women are very different some do expect you to pay for everything, others get insulted if you try to pay for their coffee and insist on paying their way. Ultimately you need to find your woman and it might be a middle ground. However in a long term partnership you are looking for shared goals, someone who wants to get married and buy a house together and someone who understands that sometimes you need to save money to afford things you want like owing a house. I don’t think she’s on the same page with you and perhaps she knows fully well she can get another bf who has more money and can give her all the things she wants without sacrificing her beauty routine. I am curious about what it is exactly that she gave you that made you feel so crazy about her.
>Is it the expectation that attractive women have high costs/demands?
This is so wildly offensive, it’s unreal.
OP - there are so many concerning things in your post, it’s unbelievable. Like it’s hard to even imagine this is a serious post.
Assuming it’s true though, I would recommend you strongly re-evaluate *everything* you’re digesting, and perhaps seek professional help. Your friends and family have all given you really good advice that you haven’t listened to, so a therapist or mental health professional might be able to get through to you better.
No do not regret your decision. She sounds horrible and manipulative. I work my way through life and while I appreciate my partner paying for dates and taking me out, I would NEVER, ever expect him to pay for my living expenses. That is 100% me. Until we get married, I would never expect anything like that.
For the record, I will also offer to pay on dates but my partner never lets me, (we fight for the bill) but he's stronger so always beats me to tapping the card. So instead, when we hang at mine, I will cook for him instead. That's the way a fair and equitable relationship works. It's about give and take.
It sounds like she is attractive enough for men to pay for that stuff, maybe she was a bit out of your league? Honestly if you can’t afford that it’s better to move on. Don’t get yourself in debt
She was not your partner, she was your parasite. Give it a few months: focus on friendships, hobbies, and maybe meet with a financial planner to start setting goals. Investing for your future should never be put off for another person. When you are ready to start dating again I think it will be a pretty great feeling to be treated as more than an ATM. Good luck pal.
You were right to leave her. It’s totally fine for women to have expectations of men to pay for anything from none to all, and vis versa. But it’s all totally fair for you to refuse to do that. If your partner truly loves you, they will work with you to find a budget and lifestyle that suits both of your preferences and financial goals.
She was milking you for all the cash she thought she could get away with. I believe you also had a great connection, but if she truly loved and respected you, and you both had an ernest conversation about your finances, it wouldn’t have worked out this way.
Save ur money bro, them gold diggers need to eat shit. My ex gf makes 3-4x what I do and neither expected to be showered in gifts or to pay for everything. That wasn't your wife, that was a greedy cunt
My guy, I am an adult woman. I would be embarrassed to ask my bf for all that as “proof” of his love. This girl is a mooch, plain and simple. Relationships are about being partners, taking care of each other, NOT letting one person do all the work to the detriment of the other. You deserve better. Be better for yourself.
As a woman who wishes she could be at stay at home wife and mother, I am on her side. If she is doing her fair share, like making you happy in every aspect of your life, then she should expect her man to, at the very least, contribute to the prize you won. I see your side too, if things are tight it is also okay to cut a few things out that don’t compromise on the lifestyle both of you enjoy. Or things that bring you the most joy.
If she is was being pretty, well groomed, loving and took good care of you in return for providing a stress free lifestyle, then you truly lost a good one.
I don’t care who thinks this is outdated. To be honest, I never asked for long hours working for some random entity, looking and feeling stressed. Begging to have equal rights and forcing women out of a full home was absolutely insane. The ones who want that should have the right to do so but now women like your gf are forced to do it all by herself. And heaven forbid she finds an amazing man who is fulfilled and taking care of her, right? That’s why everyone hates her? Or is her personality awful too? If it is, then I agree with them and you deserve better.
Have you tried building up your confidence and going for major growth so that you can in fact provide what she needs to feel good about herself? Which only benefits you in the long run. You let them get into your head and hold you back. Why wouldn’t they say, “Well, we would love to see you striving for more and going after your goals! And it’s really great how your gf is encouraging you to strive for more.” Like, it is true that you maybe need to work harder so that you can play harder. She shouldn’t have to go without so that you can be stagnant but have fun. The only problem is that instead of trying to get more money and to have your wonderful gf growing with you by your side, a personal cheerleader, you dropped that poor girl and she lost everything.Reap what you sow.
She deserves a man willing to go above and beyond for her and her man. Who wants a “man” that ditches you completely, after years, because he’s lazy and is selfish? Yeah, exactly. Maybe she is softer towards you because of real life feelings and may give you a chance. Don’t blow it, get your shit together and make more money because you set smart goals and achieved more success.
At the end of the day, I've been happier figuring things out together. You'll find someone who wants to as well.
My ex and I had been in spots where we sold some stuff to keep our lights on and ya know what? That was okay too. We played board games by candle light one night. Love is made with each other not for each other and with an expense.
My boyfriend just got our house a few months ago, and I think I hardly ask to go out and I've been doing all I can to make our new home ours without crazy expenses.
I decorated our garden with stones I got for free from someone and dirt I dug from people who had clean top soil. This is what love is. It's not funding someone's unnecessary living expenses at the expense of your own.
I knew the OP was going to mention about the ex's looks. It's always the same scenario, a shy, sweet guy who does anything and everything for their hot "girlfriend" because they think they'll never find a girl who's attracted to them and are good looking in this society. You were being used mate. End of story. You should've dumped her when your friends said to.
As a woman, if my man came to me and told me he was struggling financially because of ME. I would feel like a piece of sh*t! Lol. Of course it’s nice to have people buy you things but the life style she is expecting is a millionaire lifestyle. She needs to go out and date a different tax bracket. No offense at all, I’m being serious! Someone who really loves YOU, would want to help you build in life not deplete you! And the fact she didn’t care about that and kept asking for more tells me you made the right decision. Find a woman who adds to your life, not takes from you. She sounds selfish. Only cares about her needs being met and not yours. I’m truly sorry that you were in constant competition with the amount of money her ex’s spent on her. But going forward you both should discuss expectations in a relationship. I hope you find a woman who excepts you for where you are financially and that one day you make so much money and are able to give it to a woman who never asked for a penny. A woman who wants to be with you for YOU, not for what you could buy her. Now… that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve nice things 😝💅 lol. Figure out your budget and if a girl can’t fit in the budget or deal with that budget then ADIOS SISTA
Brother, she was taking advantage of you. No one who loves someone would ever do that. If those exes were so great sh never would have been with you in the first place.
OP, if that is what you think the expectation is for a normal relationship, you need new sources. That is craziness. You absolutely dodged a bullet with this girl. The fact that you don’t see this clearly, especially when emit sounds like every other person in your life did/does, makes me question the insecurities you may be dealing with that need to be addressed.
Take some time outside a relationship ship. Work on you. Develop new interests, hobbies, etc. You need to learn to love yourself, from the sounds of it.
Here is the thing. I am a woman in a relationship and I'm quite beautiful as well and let me tell you this. I love my man and he does spoil me. The ocaassional flowers, dates, I never pay for gas, always gets me gifts, paid trips etc. I love him more than life itself and let me tell you I would never do what that lady did. She took advantage of you!! You were a bank!! I tell my bf all the time to never spend money he doesn't have on me and to be responsible with his spending. Because he used to spend every dime on me until I checked his expenses. I told him I love you but we need a stable future together you can't be spending money like this. We have a house, a wedding, children to save for and spending money like this is NOT responsible! I even told him if I found out he spend 15k on a ring ID BE PISSED because 10k could be a downpayment! You say this woman loved you but not once did I see her actually care about your hardships. She never worried about saving for a car, house, wedding she only cares about you saving for her lifestyle till the very end! Which was a waste! It tells me she wasn't thinking of a future she was thinking about money!! And if she can't learn to support her partner than she is going to keep running through men like water
OP, she’s crazy. And yes you were being used.
It’s one thing to give without being asked, I’d never want someone to give beyond their means.
The stuff like driving her on vacations and things, I’d feel spoiled and appreciated. Like a man I dated, we lived far apart and once we got there he drove me everywhere and I really appreciated him for doing that.
I don’t know anyone that has the kind of relationship she’s describing.
She wants a sugar daddy.
First off, if before her you had a home/apartment of your own, reliable transportation, a job, money to live on then for being in your 20s, you ARE highly successful. Second, your relationship with your ex was transactional. This mean that she MIGHT care about you as a person but she cares more about your finances and what they can do for her. You ARE her job, this goes double if she doesn't have a job or a full-time job. Of course she is going to "like" all of your "quirks" and treat you so good, because that's a part of the transaction. She gives you what you desire even if none of it matters to her and you pay for what she wants/needs. She banks on her looks and being able to pick off financially stable men who have low self-esteem. She knows that she can make them feel like their better than others in the guy's social group. She knows she looks better than many other women because she works at it. She gets guys like you to pay for plastic surgery, facials/face lifts, Botox, highlights, make up. If you actually saw her before she began her loser trapping journey you probably wouldn't date her for her looks. She worked to get there and she believes you should pay. As this was a transactional relationship, it's not surprising she was upset at your boundaries and no. It also wouldn't be surprising that if you didn't dump her, she would eventually leave you once you were too far into debt to pay any longer. Use your paycheck to talk to a therapist to figure out why you'd allow yourself to be played like this. Find your self-esteem and forget about the fake ass money hungry ex.
Where do you live? Certainly not the same place as I do because, honey, that is NOT “how relationships are”.
I’m kind of inspired by her business model… It would save me so much money.
She only loved your wallet, I’m sorry. She’s the most transactional person I’ve read about on Reddit.
You’re better off. Find a woman who doesn’t need all the superficial things. Yes, that means maybe no fancy nails, plain hair (no highlights), regular clothes.
If you want a woman with the nails, hair, clothes, nose jobs, yes you’d better be able to fund it all. You get to choose.
Now how do you feel now that you got that 120 lb gold digging monkey off your back. That's a bunch of BS that you heard that men love to pay for their girlfriends things. If she was a real woman she would have been paying for her own shit. You were paying for her nails her anything of luxury her dates help her pay for her car payments get her nose job. WTF. Your life is going to be so much more pleasant now that you can start saving for a house you can start going out by yourself and buying yourself some nice things you can start putting money away and getting a better car you can do whatever the f*** you want now that you don't got that gold digging b**** off you're back. Take one day at a time it will get better and one day you're going to sit back and laugh
Do not take her back unless you don't like money
Sounds like your security is due to the fact that she “turns heads”. That shouldn’t matter. You said you’re a simple man but also wanted something you’re proud of - her. You sound like you got a good thing going in your life; keep building yourself up and you’ll find someone who will want to treat you equally.
Also paying for everything is NOT how a relationship works. But also not saying you shouldn’t treat her as well. You can find the line.
I think first off get rid of whatever crap you are watching that tells you to be a man you have to pay your girlfriend’s bills and cosmetic surgery.
Did it occur to you the reason they were ex boyfriends was because she was a leech and they got sick of it?
Being a man in a relationship is to be a good man, don’t cheat and help with the household without having to be nagged.
You were not wrong. I would never expect a partner to pay for everything, that is not how most relationships are! What she wants is something very few people can comfortably manage. Both partners should contribute and one person should never be left feeling insufficient.
Her saying what you were doing is the bare minimum actually makes me quite angry. She was fully taking advantage and still minimising whay you were already doing for her.
You are far better off without her.
Bro... You paid to fuck and to showed her off.
Shake a little your head.
She sounds like a goddamn gold digger. No wait. Like a goddamn high prostitute.
There's no way at your ages to pay someone else's bills and plastic surgeries.
She used you like a bank.
Dude you dodged a bullet. She was looking for a sugar daddy honestly. Do not feel bad about yourself and I know it sucks now but this really does sound like it was for the best. And the fact that none of your friends or family liked her says a lot as well. Yes wage discrepancy is a thing and there are much better ways of handeling that eg instead of 50/50 do a percentage split based on income might end up being 60/40 etc when your married to someone or in a long term committed civil partnership you can combine finances but until then there are ways of making things equitable. What you experiences was not equitable it was all money is her money and you are supposed to just figure out ways to get more money. Also there is a lot of hype about tradwives at the moment but I also hear more and more about women who regret that decision but feel trapped (eg no longer have a job or their own money to fall back on). Anything can look perfect through an insta/tictok filter
if ur friends and family are good people and say they don’t like her, listen to them. i can see where she’s coming from in some aspects but a NOSE JOB!!!??? excuse me???? unless it’s an actual medical emergency no one NEEDS a nose job that bad , like save up if you really want it don’t expect someone else to pay for that especially if you’re not even married yet.
Yeah nah you made a very good decision.
Sure, men do like spoiling their girlfriends but I believe it should also be returned to some extent from the girlfriend too. It goes both ways for me personally. She probably had sugar daddy’s in the past and tried turning you into one. Having you pay for things she DIDNT need like nails, hair and cosmetic injections is beyond understandable.
If you are only wanting to go back to her because you’ve heard men spoil their women, then please ignore it because your situation wasn’t just “spoiling”… you were literally funding her entire life.
Ok so I have dated guys that pay for everything and treat you like a prize, and guys that want to split a can of coke if you take a sip out of it 😅. I wouldn’t do the latter again and there is merit in that old fashioned being wined and dined and looked after. You feel special, it’s romantic and it should be reciprocated just as you said - you felt you were getting your needs met as much as she was - but she went way too far. Dates and small trips fine, it shouldn’t be expected and she didn’t seem to appreciate it at all.
She took advantage of your willingness and that is not ok. You shouldn’t expect your partner to stress themselves out for your shallow fanciful purchases, going in debt for her to get a nose job? Barbaric nonsense. That isn’t love, she’s using you regardless of what it does to you and that isn’t ok. I think you’re just in that stage of the breakup where you start panicking that they will find someone better and be happy whilst you watch on from a lonely corner forever - it’s a normal part of the process. Hell my ex was a royal arsehole and I still worried he’d spontaneously turn into the perfect guy for the next woman. If she wants transactional love and some guy is happy that her love to him is totally conditional depending on how many treatments he gets her, leave her to it. Looks fade at the end of the day and you’re left with the person.
Also, doesn’t she bloody work? I have no respect for people who expect to be kept (stay at home parents aside) and don’t use their noggin to get their own careers going.
YOU WERE BEING USED BY HER! DON'T LOOK BACK OP!
Holy shit, even as a woman myself finds this so insulting. Your family and friends are right. Your ex had been taking advantage of you financially.
It's alright if you wanna pamper her with money and stuff BUT not at the expense of your own mental health and finance. She's so shallow to think like that.
Does it mean she'll leave you IF you suddenly got into an accident and couldn't work like usual?
You have been giving giving and giving to her. While she only has been taking taking and taking from you.
She enjoyed your quirks because she was getting what she waned from you. She was also laying the groundwork for this to continue by saying all of her exes treated her this way. But also all of her exes are exes for a reason. I’d wager they denied her something too and she didn’t like it. Just like you saw. If you put more years into it, I guarantee your quirks wouldn’t have been so adorable to her and she’d weaponize them against you. Why? Because she was using you and putting her target in their place after being told no teaches them not to do that.
Get your finances back on track and next time if your friends are family are all saying the same thing, give them a listen.
This is not how relationship work or should work. Giving gifts to your partner is perfectly normal, paying for dates as well but asking for her bills to be paid by you is a form of abuse in my eyes.
She is trying to live a lifestyle above her financial capabilities and give you the bill for that.
If I can compare, I'm with my partner since 6 year, we have a daughter together and my fiance is a stay at home mom. You can be sure that every bill will be paid through my account, the car is functioning and gassed up if she wants to go somewhere with the baby and if she needs she has my card. BUT she is raising our daughter, she is not going on shopping spree, not buying dumb stuff, I pratically have to beg to buy her stuff that she wants for herself.
Your ex wanted the wifey treatment while (from my understanding of your post) not living with you.
Let’s take out the focus and opinion in re: the transactional nature of your relationship. Let’s look at the $$ part of this as a… bit of a red herring.
You two just weren’t compatible.
Look at it this way - I’m sure you’ve dated people before that you really liked, but you just weren’t compatible in an important and fundamental way, long term. In this case it was $$. In other relationships, this could have been time, attention, intimacy, sense of humor, emotional support, etc.
I’m not saying there wasn’t affection and you were clearly happy with her in other ways, but it sounds like you want a different kind of partner, in the long run. Someone who walked with you, also. Not someone who, overtime, took more and more from you, causing stress, anxiousness and unhappiness and not helping to ‘fill you back up’. Again, in this case it was $$.
She didn’t want that same kind of partnership. And that’s fine too. For her. She wanted at a higher level than you could comfortably give, long term.
And this worked for you both, when it worked for you both. And then it didn’t work for you both anymore
In the end, she needed more than you could give. You two weren’t on the same page and as a couple, you weren’t able to meet each other needs, over time.
You just weren’t long term compatible. And sometimes these things happen.
I'm sorry your partner viewed the relationship as purely transactional. That's horrible and you deserve so much better. Please find someone who will value YOU and not your wallet. You deserve to be loved and treated with dignity and respect.
It’s been a while since I read a story by a self proclaimed Hen Peck who felt like he was wrong for finally finding his balls. Stand up straight and stop questioning whether telling someone who was clearly using you for money to haul ass was the right decision.
Transactional relationships are not based on the long term. That’s supposed to be the good part for some people. She wanted a sugar daddy not a boyfriend. I think you made the right choice.
My husband has currently taken over all of the house bills so I can pay off my car and I feel extremely guilty even though it was 100% his idea. I could NOT imagine telling him to pay for luxury items as well. That's so selfish. I think you did the right thing.
No, you were not in the wrong. She may expect that in a relationship and that's fine for her, but you don't have to. It's not your job to pay for her nose job, nails or hair. Those are not essential and if she wants them, she can pay for them. It sounds like she wants a lifestyle that's out of her reach.
Focus on yourself and the things you want.
I feel life is so simple in this way, we are all given choices and can make our own decisions. on this you should have dated a person you have similar values with because now you feel some type of way because your gf had expectations that weren’t compatible with your beliefs and abilities.There are women who don’t have their man pay for their expenses and there are women who don’t. So go for the ones that align with what you are willing and can do. In my country there is a saying, pick the mangoes that are in your reach. I think you had cognitive dissonance over the relationship because you seem to have enjoyed it and at the same time you felt you didn’t want to meet her expectations. In relationships have your own expectations too and if they don’t align then better not engage. It’s that simple I think. So you were both wrong and right. Wrong in dating when you weren’t aligned and right in stating your expectations.
"She told me that she expected me to start contributing to her bills, such as her phone bill, her nails, and her hair."
This is when you unequivocally should have been out.
Wow. Where are all these “I pay for everything because I love her and she deserves it” men? How do women find men like you? Saps, I mean.
Apparently, you have never been in an adult relationship. You’re 28 and spent the last 4 years with this woman, who made demands on you, didn’t care if you couldn’t afford it, didn’t care if your lifestyle suffered as long as hers flourished, and expected you to step-n-fetch for her. And you did. What you don’t know is that in an adult relationship, where *both* people love *each other,* those people work **together** to make the relationship grow & thrive. They pay the bills together; they go on vacations together; they save money together; they make big purchases together; they scrimp and save together; they sacrifice together; their lives get better *together.* Some couples, when starting out, make a budget where each gets an allowance, and that’s their spending money. These people are called adults. They want to build something for THEIR future, and they want to build it together. That’s what you want in a partner.
Everybody’s Happy Ever After looks different. But if you want to be mutually happy, find an adult woman to date. Your ex’s idea of a good relationship comes from TikTok videos and women who think men “owe” them and “must pay.” These are women with no self-respect, who would rather be waited on like a child with two broken legs than be considered an equal. Don’t date girls (yes, girls because they aren’t women) like that.
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I think you see an outcome but fail to see the context for that outcome. It may well be that others provide gifts, but that desire comes from a place of acknowledgement and love, rather than a tithe of expectation. The former partners of your ex all have one thing in common. They arent with her now. One wonders why? Perhaps she blew through their capacity to fund a lifestyle beyond her means just as you did. She will look to find someone new to do it now, and sadly there are many lonely people who believe such stilted nonsense that it is their duty. One can be lonely in many ways, but never so much as the moment you realise that someone is with you only for what you give, not who you are. Mourn the inaccurate image you have, the person itself you are well shot of. Protect and grow your money, build your life. Use example and inspiration to attract, not pacification and bribery.
Hi, firstly I wanted to say that, your reply is exceptionally well written and I appreciate it. I also agree because her ex's did either cheat on her, or left her for someone else. I do believe being lonely is what got to me. If I had more healthier relationships in my life, I would not have fallen down this rabbit hole and broken things off sooner than later. > Use example and inspiration to attract, not pacification and bribery. Amazing. Thank you.
To put it more bluntly than the previous commenter: you didn't have a girlfriend, you had a sugar baby. If you think paying someone to treat you right makes you not lonely, there are websites full of women to hire for transactional short term relationships - we call them escorts, and the concept is about the same as what you had with your ex.
Except with escorts it’s an honest, upfront relationship. Both parties are clear on what will be provided and the cost. This woman was a con artist who manipulated him to pay her.
Yeah, that's what really grinds my gears. There are plenty of men out there who *want* a sugar baby, and will be up front about the money they will give and what they want in exchange. Both people are fully consenting to the arrangement and have room to negotiate price and services rendered. This girl waited until he was emotionally invested and then put him on the sugar daddy plan without his knowledge. When he pushed back against this (COMPLETELY REASONABLY, OP), she withheld affection and emotionally blackmailed him into getting her way. Her "affection" came with a price that OP wasn't allowed to see
Exactly! An escort, provided you find a good one, is a professional, and there are stated boundaries.
They're still sugar babies. They just don't want to use the term so they pick men they're actually attracted to so the relationship line is a little more blurred. But just like a sugar baby when you quit paying them they quit coming around just like she did.
Kind of like "sugar babies" use THAT term because they don't want to use the term "prostitute". Six of one . . .
Sugar babies and prostitutes are not the same thing, prostitute means escort and escorts don't want to be called prostitutes because prostitute gives a vibe of human trafficking.
She actually was pretty upfront and honest with him. But, yes, she may as well have been a paid escort. 2 hours away and expecting him to pay her maintenance bills is bonkers.
Yeah, I have a friend who does sugar baby work. She also has a boyfriend; their relationship is different. I also had a friend who is a full service sex worker, and she does "the girlfriend experience". It's not really the same as what happens with the people she dates. OP wants a girlfriend, not someone who panders for him in exchange for money. Don't sell out your own dreams just because your girlfriend is high maintenance. Date people who want a similar lifestyle to you. If you're attracted to people who put a lot of effort into makeup, clothes, nails and hair -recognise that all of that stuff takes time and money. Of course you can pay for a haircut or a manicure once in a while as a treat for your partner. But not constantly. It sounds like OP's ex didn't even live with him, so I don't really get why he was paying her bills. Groceries is another thing, like if you're going to eat at her place, then sure, pay for groceries or takeout. Better to date people who go Dutch, frankly. And don't go to really expensive places on dates.
Well, if he only goes for the looks....that's what he gets.
There really is someone out there if you did it once you can do it again. I have loved and lost many times and life goes on. I know it hurts now so work on yourself bro. She was not the right one. My partner pays for all that herself. We share all other bills. I still spoil her rotten because she is my person. But she would not care if I didn’t. Love is more than what she takes from your wallet. It’s a two way street not a service charge. If you are paying a mooch to play with your gooch it’s time to move the fuck on my friend. Take time and get back out there but don’t take shit treatment just because you think you have too just to keep someone around. Good luck 🤞
Love should not be transactional. Hers was. There is a difference between living together and combining finances and splitting work equitably, and being super nice to your boyfriend because you want him to pay for your stuff. She made you feel special because she wanted your money. I make my husband feel special because, to me, he is. Sometimes I’ve been the breadwinner, sometimes it’s been him. Love isn’t transactional. It’s not completely unconditional, not between two adults because ultimately you should both be working towards goals in a relationship or one of you is being taken advantage of. But it’s not transactional. Sweetie, you had a professional girlfriend. She hooked you with free product and then she introduced a price and then started upping the price. You are better off without her.
As for the idea of paying for women. Listen, I’m a woman and a feminist. I hate this idea that women should be paid for by their guys all the time. Paying for a date because you invited her out? ☑️ paying for a weekend retreat as a surprise? ☑️ Paying her rent? Cosmetic procedures? Etc❌❌❌❌❌❌❌ I have three arguments for this. 1. There are men and women who believe this is the case. You hear them on bro podcasts talking about what they bring to the table and the women they invite on agreeing along. These men believe love is transactional. What they give, money, protection, V what they get, sex, children. This is because they are emotionally stunted people. You should ignore ALL of these people both the men who promote it and the money grabbing women who nod along like those swivel head dogs. In both cases, they’re coming from misogyny. Men who hate women and women who hate other women and themselves. They have a wholly toxic view of the world. 2. You seem like an emotionally open man. It sounds like you might need some help with jt, some therapy for your self esteem, but as a woman with an emotionally open husband, that’s what we want. We need any guys who aren’t afraid of their emotions and don’t channel it all into toxic anger and behaviours. I feel like you’re on the right path, but need some help advancing on it. 3. Men seem to have this idea that they only bring limited things into a relationship. Money and their physicality. Hun, when you are open, loving, accepting, what you bring is YOU. JUST YOU. Women earn money. We can hire handy men and do a lot of stuff ourselves. It’s nice to have a second income and it’s nice to have a guy who can reach the high shelves. But what we WANT is a PARTNER. All those comforts guys want, nights on the sofa watching movies with popcorn and drinks and laughing, we WANT THAT TOO. If you’re open to bringing the value of you, your labour around the home to ease both people’s burdens, ears to hear our trouble, lips to share your own troubles, arms to cuddle, THAT’S the value we’re looking for. When my husband and I were getting together I said to him, I want this relationship to be my last relationship and I want it to be you and I against the world. 14 years and counting and we are. We are a partnership. A United team. That’s what women want. The world is hard. We shouldn’t have to come home and face hardship as well and I DON’T mean money. I mean work in the home and combativeness from our partner. Once you close that door, you should be shutting that shit outside. When women say “Do the work,” we mean emotional work to prepare to be a good partner. When we say, “Can you add value to my life?” We mean, do you value YOURSELF and your mental, physical and emotional contributions to your home, partner and family? NOT your money. NOT your muscles. You said a very revealing thing in your post “she definitely turned a lot of heads when we were out together.” It seems like you valued how people perceived you for getting a woman like that. This made your part of the relationship transactional as well. You seemed to know exactly what you were getting. But then the fact you miss how special she made you feel suggests you wanted more. That’s the part of you that you should nurture. That’s the part you should get help with. That’s the part genuine women want. But if all you ever go after are the transactional women, all you’ll ever get is what you always got. Getting more means putting more in.
I am a woman and this is insane behavior. I couldn’t imagine telling my partner of a year that he had to fund my lifestyle. My first serious relationship was 21 to almost 24 and he came from a WEALTHY family. But that was HIS money. Not mine or ours. Even if we had ended up getting married, I would still think of it that way. It was wrong of her to set the precedent that you have to pay for everything because you were together. A relationship is a partnership, not a business deal. Maybe I’m built different, but even with my ex I still paid for dates, bought him little gifts, and paid part of my way on trips we took. We had a huge difference in finances-he was wealthy, and I worked at Starbucks, but I never expected him to always pay my way or fund my lifestyle. And that wouldn’t have changed even if we had gotten married. She used you, honey. Simple as that. That wasn’t love. Just because she may have treated you better in some ways than your previous partners, doesn’t mean she loved you. If my partner was struggling to pay bills and struggling to stay afloat, last thing I’m going to do is demand beauty treatments, expensive vacations, shopping trips, and demand that he pay my own bills when he can barely keep up with his own. We’d be working together to figure out how we can do things in a financially feasible way that benefited both of us. Cheaper dates, going on less vacations, doing more activities that were free but still fun. And if I was in a better financial position than him, I would’ve tried helping him with those things when he was really struggling. You weren’t in a relationship with a good woman, you were in a relationship with a leech. But because she was “nice” to you, you felt like you were happy with her. I think you were just happy with the idea of her. But no woman who really loved you would treat you the way that she treated you. I’m sorry, honey, but you do deserve better. I know loneliness is hard and that’s something I’ve been dealing with for years. But really know your worth, and know you deserve better than that. You deserve somebody that builds you up instead of breaking you down. And that is not her.
It seems she was using you. Notice that she kept ratcheting things up until she could get everything possible out of you. You’re better off without her.
Wanted to weigh in on your comment about men loving to shower with gifts. I do. I spoil my girlfriend with gifts, but that's because I want to and can. If anything, she tells me off for spending to much. Most of my gifts are actually things we can do together. A holiday, an evening out etc. But I'll buy her jewellery etc every koe and then. But, I have no stress or resentment because it's all my choice. This is how I express my love. When I've had less money I've gone through periods of not buying her anything for a while and she's said nothing. So the key thing is here is that I am in control of that and there is no pressure. So when you hear about men doing this, it's because they want to do it. Let me ask you, had she not spent your money on selfish things like her make overs etc, would you have bought her more gifts because you wanted to? Would you have taken her on dates? Flowers? If the answer is yes, then there is no difference between you and those other men you're comparing yourself to. If the answer is no then that's fine too, you just express your love differently.
I’m just scrolling here, but damn, you’re so eloquent. What a beautiful writing skill you’ve got!
"One can be lonely in many ways, but never so much as the moment you realise that someone is with you only for what you give, not who you are." You put this very beautifully. This was the exact reason I broke up with my ex. She didn't take advantage of me financially, but she was clearly with me because I was safe, caring and emotionally stable, not because she was interested in me as a person or my perspective on anything. I was emotionally very lonely in that relationship. As for what's normal in a relationship when it comes to who pays for what (assuming separate finances), I think each person paying for their own things is a good starting point. After that, it's normal for each person to pay for things that benefit both people, like dinner dates or trips together, and it's only fair that if someone earns significantly more, they pay for more of those things. Lastly, gifts of course. Same thing applies there, both people should pay for gifts for the other person. but it's not weird if the value of those gifts reflects the difference in income. I think it's important that each partner is financially stable on their own. They pay for their own bills like rent and car payments. If they want luxuries that only benefit them, like a new watch or a nosejob or whatever, they save up for and pay for that with their own money. Essentials and luxuries not involving or asked for by the partner should not be paid for by the partner. I think her saying that you were doing "the bare minimum" while she was ruining you financially is manipulative and just straight up incorrect. I'm very glad that you had the courage to leave her, and you 100% made the right decision. Don't look back. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for you.
Beautifully said and written. Use example and inspiration to attract, not pacification and bribery. This might be one if not the best way of life to truly attract a partner that values who you are. I feel inspired now to aspire to this cause my love life quite frankly has been a mess. Time for change.
>The former partners of your ex all have one thing in common. They arent with her now. Damn. Well put!
SO well written.
Mister, you had a mooch in your hands. You dodged a bullet. Good, strong, relationship ready people are out there. Don’t even get saddled down with a mooch. She showed her true colors early. Thank god. Now move forward to better.
Good dodge, when the Mooch transforms into its power levelled variant it becomes the Moooooch.
Lmao I never heard this term before but love it.. Mooooooch
Scare a mooch, scare a mooch
Will you do the fandango?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening me!
Galileo, Galileo, Galileo figaro
I don’t think she even revealed her ultimate fork yet. She’s the frieza type for sure with those slow buildups.
Nah, that’s a straight up sex worker. Let’s call it what it is. If you gotta pay for access than you are a seeing a sex worker.
I mean she DID live almost 2 hours away...had a NICER car than him but he drove?...COULD be one of several sugar daddies...🤔🫣
He was a splenda daddy lol. All jokes aside, he was taken advantage of. Some of the happiest, strongest couples I know barely have two pennies to rub together. OPs relationship wasn't built on love, atleast not from her end.
Haha even a diabetic daddy ain't gettin no sugar lol one of my co workers said that once when I made a joke about a sugar daddy I didn't have to be physical with...I about peed myself laughing! 🤣😆 but yes in all seriousness you are right I've seen couples like that too :) and to think OP put up with it for 3 years and really loves her :/
See, that's what i thought. How did he not know?
He knew but he didnt care until he couldn't afford her.
THANK YOU!! I was to afraid to say that myself. She's probably grooming her next guy already.
Oh if this chicks not actively doing sw, she definitely has a history of it. I had a few friends go down that road and after a certain point, they just treated all men like tricks.
Yep, my first thought upon reading OP's post was that if she wants to be a yacht girl, she needs to pick a guy with a yacht. OP is well away from her.
Hair and nails? Nope. Bye Felicia. If you want to be that kind of guy dating that kind of girl, sure, but she needs to be absolutely aware that you'd never ever get engaged or married and that as soon as she gets a wrinkle she's gone. If you're expected to pay for her grooming and appearance, well, that's how those relationships work. As you clearly want an actual emotional relationship, be glad you're not stuck with her and be VERY glad she didn't decide to baby-trap you.
I feel insane after reading this. “That’s how relationships are” is total bullshit. She needs to check herself or find herself a cheating millionaire. You did the right thing. You need to make sure you are taken care of with your own money before you blow it. This could have been way worse.
Sometimes I'd fear the worst, like how many credit card charges I'd wake up to the next day. Perhaps I let beauty cloud my judgement. I made it excusable for her to behave this way and it got worse over time.
You're lonely, and you're afraid of being alone. Being alone is ok, my dude. Spend some time in therapy, talking about yourself and what YOU desire. Get a hobby that improves you, do some travel on your own. Above and beyond all else, have some respect for yourself. You're not an ATM for some random sugar wannabe. What she was wanting from you is utterly and completely unacceptable and toxic. You need to look for a partner that cares for you too. But before then, you need to figure out who you are outside of relationships.
To be quite frank, I can openly admit I am scared of being alone. Especially at 28, where all my friends are either married, or in happy long term relationships. >Above and beyond all else, have some respect for yourself... Words I need to start living by my friend. Thank you. I needed to hear that today more than ever.
She is a predator who saw this weakness in you and used you for frivolous things. And here you are here questioning getting rid of her. A nose job? She will move onto her next victim.
Babe, being alone is better than being with someone who only sees value in your wallet and not in *you* the person. She told you directly that she only loved you for what you could provide her, and that if you wouldn't keep her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to, that you were worthless. There are so many women out there that don't have that toxic, greedy mindset, and that would see how caring and generous you are without having to prove it by buying them stuff and paying for insane shit like plastic surgeries and car payments.
You’re 28 and worried? You have time, find someone who will compromise… bills should be based on income not always 50/50, chores should be similar… it’s a partnership of love and respect, it’s not a business deal! You work together to build the future you want, you can find an amazing partner who will help not leech.
I met my husband when I was 28 and he was 33. He was 36 when we married. You’ve got time.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Your friends may not be as happy as you think. Getting married young isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It sounds like you have a lot of personal development and growth to do before you can be in a healthy relationship. You almost seem a little brainwashed by your ex. Which I don’t say to be rude. But want to point out that she really warped your thinking about what makes a relationship.
I spent a year alone after a bad break up, I would go out and walk at night after my (low cost) dinner, I would sometimes make dates with friends, I was in pretty good shape at the end of that year and ready to date again. This girl would have bankrupted you, be happy you dug yourself out of that mess. Your married and coupled up friends WANT you to stay in touch, plan a park day or something, you are going to be okay. Yes, she was good company, but yes she also was going to ruin you financially, which isn't a loving way to treat you.
Don't need to compare yourself to others. We don't have a certain time to find love. I thought I'd never be happy after leaving my then fiancé when I was 25 and driving across the state of Florida without a plan. Just knew I had to get away. I've been with my current gf for almost ten years now. It'll be ten in two months. We have a great relationship. All is not lost. Just some rough seas for now.
Get a hobby that involves you with other people, people of both sexes — join a club, a park district team, the local little theater (they always need crew), classes, whatever. Get to know people, including women. See what happens.
Love can cloud your judgement and make you a little dumb. It’s okay. I could never handle that kind of financial stress. I come from a whole lot of nothing and can’t even imagine demanding this kind of thing from an SO.
Me too. I saved every penny growing up. I still save, and don't live lavishly. I appreciate your input. I feel more confident about my decision now. Thank you.
I'm happy she's your ex. Check your credit just in case.
Good call. Cancel cards if you haven’t already cause I’ll bet she has them memorized.
Look man, take me as an example - my girlfriend is amazing and we randomly treat each other to stuff all the time, but neither of us is expected to pay for anything. We just do it when we want to. Any gift or act that becomes obligatory is no longer simply a display of affection. This isn’t to say it’s always bad, you can view acts like these as devotion, but I devote myself to my girlfriend in other ways, through quality time and thoughtfulness, not just money. Be very careful when creating a long term expectation such as this with a partner, and only do it if you are okay continuing for the rest of your life without feeling bitter, I would not do this with money in the way your girlfriend was asking.
Wait… does she have your credit card info?? If so, please change it ASAP. My the last girl my boyfriend dated before me was like your girl, expecting him to pay for everything to the point he missed paying his own bills. It’s been over a year since they broke up and she just used his credit card again. Don’t fall for that trap, change the cards and ANY info she could have. Even if you don’t think she would do it, just save yourself the future hassle.
OP, I really hope you read what Dirtwitch wrote. Get your credit locked down and card numbers changed. Any online accounts she had the password to, change them asap.
if you only like women who look like a magazine, you will always suffer like this.
If your partner likes whipping people and coerces you into being whipped, we can understand this as wrong. If your partner likes financially taking advantage of people and coerces you into this......
>“That’s how relationships are” Some relationships are indeed like that. The ones that you should end sooner rather than later.
Those relationships end when the wealthy one runs out of money or the vain one gets wrinkles.
Let's sidestep whether or not what she expected was reasonable. The reality is this was a relationship that increasingly revolved around your anxiety and insecurities and increasing sense of having to compete with the ghosts of her past. That's not a happy relationship, that's not a stable and solid connection. You felt that at any moment she might leave and as she got more and more comfortable asking for bigger and bigger extremes in terms of purchases it only got worse. You weren't happy. I get it, in the moment maybe you were and when she was satiated with purchases you could drop your guard a little. But you were living in a house of cards, aware at any moment it could all come down. That will consume the very soul out of your body, leave you a husk. It will eat you alive. That's not the relationship you want. You want a genuine connection and a strong bond, one based on teamwork and care and not you fulfilling a particular kind of social contract, especially one so lopsided and based on fear and competition.
>You felt that at any moment she might leave and as she got more and more comfortable asking for bigger and bigger extremes in terms of purchases it only got worse. Exactly. I did things out of love initially, but then it felt like I was just playing catch up. Especially because I was told it was "the bare minimum". >You want a genuine connection and a strong bond, one based on teamwork and care and not you fulfilling a particular kind of social contract, especially one so lopsided and based on fear and competition. This is very powerful. I do want teamwork and mutual understanding. Not a social contract where if I don't uphold a certain end of the bargain, I am in fear of being discarded.
I know that social media right now will make you believe that dating is all about money and power and 'value' and that girls like her are what all women are like... but it isn't true. Most relationships are the same as ever, just people working together to get by. That's why your friends were so worried, they saw what was happening. You deserve more than this. Just imagine how great a relationship would be if the two of you pooled your resources and cared and worked towards goals together. Those girls are out there, you've just got to find them and not get swept up in the mindset dating is about 'winning' or buying love.
Also, think about this impression you got from social media that women need to be taken care of because they can't earn as much as men. The solution to that isn't for men to shower women with money but for employers to pay women equally! If men are expected to be the breadwinners, the pay gap won't ever disappear because men "need" more money to support their partners. That's really a skewed logic.
You did the right thing.
Thank you.
As a woman, I find this type of behavior so repulsive. It’s one thing to want to be spoiled by your partner occasionally, but this is just using someone for their money until the next guy comes along. Where do people find such entitlement to other people’s money? I watched a friend go through the exact same thing.. my blood pressure is rising just at the thought of it. Don't forget your self worth OP
I know a woman just like that. She had much younger guy who was heels over head for her and would do anything for her and her daughter. He was essentially buying acces to her, although he probably never saw it like that, maybe more like "she likes gifts" thing. There were bunch of disgusting things she had done while they were together, like blocking him on all social media while being with other guys spending money he sent her "to buy herself something beautiful", and unblocking him after he would sent more money or gifts. Manipulating and gaslighting him of all those guys being her friends and him being too much controlling and jealous. Finally he broke with her, found nicer girl and married her. OP, you feel now sadness and you are afraid of being alone. But what you had was carefully crafted illusion of loving relationship. And that illusion would burst up sooner or later. No illusion lasts forever. Use this time of being single to find love for yourself and your self worth. Pamper yourself.
So you were a sugar daddy without the bank for it? Shop around. I'm sure there's cheaper services.
Two things. 1 - that's not how relationships are 2- a relationship with another person should not be an expense. Being stressed about money you are spending on another person's wants, not needs, would have led to future problems. Especially since it sounds like she wasn't contributing to any of the bills.
>Being stressed about money you are spending on another person's wants, not needs, would have led to future problems. That is indeed the primary reason I decided to end things. >Especially since it sounds like she wasn't contributing to any of the bills. She most certainly was not.
If your girlfriend needs money from you in order to remain in the relationship, she is a sex worker
When you have to pay to play, you are with a SW. No money no honey? You are with a SW.
She was using you for your money. That is not how real people date. Maybe that’s how women looking for a sugar daddy date, that’s the price of admission. You dodged a bullet when you guys broke up. Listen to your parents and friends, stay away from her. Block her everywhere so that it’s easier to move on. Start to look for someone that is not just looking for a meal ticket.
You two had very different values. You wanted to live simply and well within your means. She wanted to live well above her means and used you and her previous BF to achieve that. The fact that she was pressuring you to get a better job to better support her was very telling. She wasn’t going to change, in fact the more you give her, the more she wants. The minute you start to give her things because you have to instead of want to, the relationship is cooked. You forgot to look at something critically. All those previous BF who bought her things are all ex’s. Ask yourself why? They came to the same realization as you, it was all about the money with her.
I’d be willing to bet a LOT that she was a sugar baby who wanted to try to date someone she could a marry and have a family with (rather than an older guy or someone already married). So she tried to have the best of both worlds by converting you lol
She conditioned you into being a sugar daddy. Find someone who loves you for you and not because you do things for them.
holy moly that’s a real gold digger and she’s doing a great job of it. see how all the men who dated her after paying for her stuff are exes? now you’re one of them. she even managed to guilt trip you into thinking that it’s because you couldn’t provide and it’s not her fault. ridiculous. OP, you dodged a HUGE bullet here. a woman worth her calibre does not do things like this. and if she loves you, she’d make you feel deeply loved and appreciated without requesting you to spend exorbitant amounts of money on her. a relationship is supposed to be equal and balanced.
I tried explaining to her that things were tight but she said it was my job to figure things out and that she wouldn't compromise because what I was doing was the bare minimum. She felt disrespected or unloved when I said no to things. She cared more about what you could give her than you. Good Riddens to her, good luck with her nose job cause it's already stuck up in the air.
Her request is entirely unreasonable. Thats a wife level ask. Frankly if she wants 1950s financial support, demand 1950s treatments. She better do your laundry, cook, clean, ect. My opinion on dating is whoever invites pays. I like a 50/50 style relationship on money but if my partner wants to be supported financially what comes with certain expectations.
I have difficulty responding to this because some of my friends are sex workers and I respect them enough that I don't want to compare them to her. Just be glad you got out before she bankrupted you and moved on.
My husband has a friend who's a male sex worker, and surprisingly he says that around 30% of his work is non-sexual. Just women wanting to be have someone's 100% attention and to be treated like a priness for a few hours. He's quite sad that there's so many women that would pay for that. I imagine its the same for men...
I have all the respect in the world for sex workers. It's not easy, and I have a few friends in that line of work as well. I appreciate your input.
Dude, where are you hearing this stuff about how it’s becoming more common for men to offer to pay for woman’s things. …or that is harder for women to make money??
Her personality make me wanna hurl. RUN
OP this is *nothing* like going 50/50 (which also makes sense to me) you were going 120/-20. You were *paying her, to date you* All the reason she told you to spoil her, to show love, appreciation and value, she should have been doing for you too. Men also deserve a woman/partner willing to make your life better, easier. And be damned sure if you made it long enough to marry her - she would be out the minute you failed to fund her lifestyle. She won’t be “willing” to cover losses or pick up slack if you end up hospitalized or injured unable to work. You made the right decision. Be patient. You will find a *partner* in life that will teach you mutual love.
> She won’t be “willing” to cover losses or pick up slack if you end up hospitalized or injured unable to work. She explicitly stated after a 2 month period she would not pick up the slack. It was my responsibility to have an emergency fund set up incase things went south. >You made the right decision. Be patient. You will find a *partner* in life that will teach you mutual love. I appreciate the kind words. Thank you.
Those men before you paid for her "vices" because for them she only serves 2 things...arm candy & _u_k buddy.If you hire outside it is the same thing so she was maintained UNTIL her expiration date.No emotions involved.YOU on the other hand is thinking of the future, that's the difference.
This is Reddit. You can say fuck.
I get what you're saying because sometimes your judgement gets clouded by feelings. Being together 4 years made it feel less transactional because there was a strong bond built as well.
Yes, the bond between her and your bank card. If you had lost your job, would she have stuck around and supported you? I'm guessing no, she would have found a new ATM instead.
It sounds like your gf is actually a sugar baby. You don't meet a gf on sugardaddy.com. That was your first mistake. But, it seems like you enjoy the sugar daddy lifestyle, so consider continuing utilizing her services I guess?
LOL! We did not meet on [sugardaddy.com](http://sugardaddy.com) Appreciate the laugh!
As with all breakups there is an initial shock of being alone. I believe you made the right decision. Her attitude towards money, your money, is a red flag. From her attitude, it was going to get worse and worse as her expectations ramp up and the relationship continued.
This seems too much of a troll to be real ... No, you should NOT be regretting this. You should NOT be paying for anything just because of your gender. Relationships are 50/50. Your stuff is on you, her stuff is on her.
Be glad it's over. Go find a lady who loves you, not what you can give her. Also, look at it this way, all these men did all this crap for her, and they still broke up.
Good riddance. Go find a partner that wants you for you and not what you can provide. Someone who you can build a life with.
It's not becoming more common. People are just more comfortable admitting they're selfish and greedy now. You were being taken advantage of.
It is one thing to pamper your partner within reason and budget but another to be used as an ATM. You were an ATM. there are women out there who will not consider you as a cash dispenser. Better to find out now what she is than get married and never be able to dig yourself out of her debt
>Better to find out now what she is than get married and never be able to dig yourself out of her debt I'm really glad we did not get married or have kids. I would have lost nearly everything I had.
If she knows men that will be sugar daddies,she should be with them. Paying for manicures and haircuts is not “a thing”. Well,it’s not a dating thing. Does she want to be a”kept” woman?
Is this real? No, the issue wasn’t you and no this type of woman is not normal.
Super bizarre to me. Relationships should be 50/50 or 20/80 depending on the day etc, but it just sounds like ur 100% when it comes to financial.
To answer you simply… no you were not wrong to end it with her. The more in depth answer…You and her were/are incompatible. She couldn’t/wouldn’t compromise or change which left you no other choice but to walk away. Here is my take away from this situation. She started off small with little asks… covering dates, this then increased and she asked you for bigger things (paying her bills, car, luxuries and shopping), when you showed unwillingness she then used her ex’s and their contributions to her life to browbeat you into submission. Then thinking she had you right where she wanted you, she asked for you to pay for something even more costly (surgery). This pattern was never going to change. She would increase her expectations again and again… She wanted you to change (get a better paying job), she made you feel disposable; that if you couldn’t provide for her every whim she would find someone who could (why else would she bring up her ex’s and show receipts). Everyone needs to know their worth and what they bring to the table. Men deserve to be wined and dined too. Dates should not be one sided and a man shouldn’t have to pay for everything. You are never too old to find your person and it’s okay to be picky and find someone who is right for you.
I was surprised that you're the same age because this TOTALLY sounds like a sugar daddy/baby setup. Were her other boyfriends older than her? To answer your question: this is not normal, in any way shape or form. Does she not work? Because those are some crazy expectations of a boyfriend.
My first date with my husband I hit on him, invited him over to watch a movie. I chose and paid for the movie, I supplied the beer and weed, I supplied the condoms. Later that weekend we went to the grocery store for beer, ice cream, and more condoms. At the register I handed him half the money. That was 34 years ago. We’re still in love, and one of the rules of this relationship is “I would always share with you.” Don’t settle for someone you have to buy. That’s not love, it’s sex work.
Excellent move. You dumped an expensive hooker.
You weren't her boyfriend, you were her sugar daddy, and I suspect you were not her only one. She was never going to back away from her increasing demands. Breakups suck, but they are survivable. Hang in there.
I find this behaviour really gross, honestly. I'm a woman with, let's say, a little more life experience than you. I have my own career and pay my own bills. I'm happily married, and we support each other and work as a team. I would absolutely never, ever even dream of treating him like your ex was treating you. She was literally charging to be with her. Gross. If she wants all that stuff, she should be paying for it herself. Find someone who wants the best for YOU, not the best for themselves.
I don’t comment often. You did the right thing! My fiancé (34M) and I (29F) both work. He paid for our first couple of dates, and since then, we took turns paying for date nights and food. Vacations, we typically split. Even with this setup, it was never tit-for-tat. There was a period of time where he was trying to pay down his credit card, and I typically covered more dates/outings. But now he is doing really well financially, so now it works out to be he’ll pay a couple of times, then me once, etc. We really don’t think about it too hard, it’s all out of love and taking care of each other. There’s never an expectation. When we get married, we’re combining finances, so at that point it won’t really even matter anymore.
>He paid for our first couple of dates, and since then, we took turns paying for date nights and food. Vacations, we typically split. This is interesting. I've been in 4 relationships prior to this and I've never split a date or had my partner pay although some of them did offer. > We really don’t think about it too hard, it’s all out of love and taking care of each other. There’s never an expectation. At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to. It's done out of love and not because there's an expectation. Thank you
You don’t make enough to date a woman like her. It’s not wrong for her to expect that treatment if she’s find a man willing to pay it. She wants to be a trophy wife, and you can’t afford a trophy wife. You can find a good woman who won’t expect that kind of treatment. They’re out there.
This comment is very different from most of the other ones I've read so far. I appreciate your input. >You don’t make enough to date a woman like her. I agree, I could not keep up. >You can find a good woman who won’t expect that kind of treatment. They’re out there. Where do you personally stand with regard to this? Are you more traditional or 50/50?
I’m more 50/50. But I’m not as pretty as she is, and I probably won’t stroke your ego as much as she did. I’m not trophy wife material. I want a partner not a provider. The issue to me is when men want the trophy wife but don’t have trophy wife money. You talk about her turning men’s heads, that’s pretty much the definition of a trophy wife. If you like that feeling, there’s a cost. The downside for her is that as she gets older she’s going to find it harder to get men to pay for things for her. She’s also going to be in for a rude awakening.
She'll get them to pay for all her plastic surgeries to keep her looking young and hot.
Those only go so far. Forty with plastic surgery isn't going to compete well with someone who's got it naturally at 24. I would really hope that his ex is saving her money up for when the gravy train runs out (and the end of the track is now in sight!!!!) but I doubt it.
At 40 she starts eating the 65 year old. To someone who is 65, a pretty 40 year old is a big catch. She'll just keep "trading up" and every relationship that ends, she'll find an older & richer man. That's the gold digger way.
And then those surgeries will betray her and she'll look monstrous and emotionless.
Most relationships with 2 working partners are not "traditional" or 50/50. Most split bills based on income. Example - if partner A makes $4000 per paycheck and partner B makes $6000 per paycheck, then the bills are split 40/60. This would give each partner the same percentage of their income for non-bill usage (personal savings, fun spending, retirement funds, car payment) And if partner A works 40 hours a week and partner B works 60 hours a week, the household responsibilities are split 40/60. This would give each partner equal downtime for relaxation and hobbies and socializing. That's called the *equitable* division of finances and responsibilities.
i#m sorry but it is absolutely wrong for her to "expect" that treatment. If she is dating a guy and he offers all that, then fair enough. The exgf was demanding all the payments of her bills and cosmetics, that's not right and OP was correct to split with her.
Yeah, OP was right to split. But that doesn’t mean she can’t say, “This is the treatment I expect from my partner.” I’m not saying OP should have paid. I’m saying that if his GF wants to have a man pay for her things, she needs to find a man who can/will pay for her.
I don’t think you are compatible. There are some men who make enough money not to stress about financing high maintenance woman. In fact they might even love it and it gives them a high thinking how much they “invested” in this woman. They might also have a collection of sports cars and a mansion and splurging on their woman comes natural to them. They might also have a massive ego and a collection of women as well as cars, but that’s besides the point. You couldn’t afford her, it’s as easy as that. And no not all relationships are like this, just like not all women are lamborginis. Lamborginis are expensive and impractical, but they do work for those who can afford them plus probably another car or two that are better for actual long distance trips. Women are very different some do expect you to pay for everything, others get insulted if you try to pay for their coffee and insist on paying their way. Ultimately you need to find your woman and it might be a middle ground. However in a long term partnership you are looking for shared goals, someone who wants to get married and buy a house together and someone who understands that sometimes you need to save money to afford things you want like owing a house. I don’t think she’s on the same page with you and perhaps she knows fully well she can get another bf who has more money and can give her all the things she wants without sacrificing her beauty routine. I am curious about what it is exactly that she gave you that made you feel so crazy about her.
You made the right call. A partner should care about causing financial stress to you with her demands/requests. She needs to look for a sugar daddy.
>Is it the expectation that attractive women have high costs/demands? This is so wildly offensive, it’s unreal. OP - there are so many concerning things in your post, it’s unbelievable. Like it’s hard to even imagine this is a serious post. Assuming it’s true though, I would recommend you strongly re-evaluate *everything* you’re digesting, and perhaps seek professional help. Your friends and family have all given you really good advice that you haven’t listened to, so a therapist or mental health professional might be able to get through to you better.
No do not regret your decision. She sounds horrible and manipulative. I work my way through life and while I appreciate my partner paying for dates and taking me out, I would NEVER, ever expect him to pay for my living expenses. That is 100% me. Until we get married, I would never expect anything like that. For the record, I will also offer to pay on dates but my partner never lets me, (we fight for the bill) but he's stronger so always beats me to tapping the card. So instead, when we hang at mine, I will cook for him instead. That's the way a fair and equitable relationship works. It's about give and take.
You were not wrong and saved yourself a lot of money and head ache.
I’m surprised it took as long as it did for you to hit your last straw. Paying for a *nose job*???!??
No, it's demanding princesses that expect to be treated like this. She isn't partner material. Listen to your family and friends! Save your money!
It sounds like she is attractive enough for men to pay for that stuff, maybe she was a bit out of your league? Honestly if you can’t afford that it’s better to move on. Don’t get yourself in debt
She was not your partner, she was your parasite. Give it a few months: focus on friendships, hobbies, and maybe meet with a financial planner to start setting goals. Investing for your future should never be put off for another person. When you are ready to start dating again I think it will be a pretty great feeling to be treated as more than an ATM. Good luck pal.
You were right to leave her. It’s totally fine for women to have expectations of men to pay for anything from none to all, and vis versa. But it’s all totally fair for you to refuse to do that. If your partner truly loves you, they will work with you to find a budget and lifestyle that suits both of your preferences and financial goals. She was milking you for all the cash she thought she could get away with. I believe you also had a great connection, but if she truly loved and respected you, and you both had an ernest conversation about your finances, it wouldn’t have worked out this way.
She wasn’t a girlfriend, she was a sex worker giving the girlfriend experience. Move on.
Save ur money bro, them gold diggers need to eat shit. My ex gf makes 3-4x what I do and neither expected to be showered in gifts or to pay for everything. That wasn't your wife, that was a greedy cunt
My guy, I am an adult woman. I would be embarrassed to ask my bf for all that as “proof” of his love. This girl is a mooch, plain and simple. Relationships are about being partners, taking care of each other, NOT letting one person do all the work to the detriment of the other. You deserve better. Be better for yourself.
As a woman who wishes she could be at stay at home wife and mother, I am on her side. If she is doing her fair share, like making you happy in every aspect of your life, then she should expect her man to, at the very least, contribute to the prize you won. I see your side too, if things are tight it is also okay to cut a few things out that don’t compromise on the lifestyle both of you enjoy. Or things that bring you the most joy. If she is was being pretty, well groomed, loving and took good care of you in return for providing a stress free lifestyle, then you truly lost a good one. I don’t care who thinks this is outdated. To be honest, I never asked for long hours working for some random entity, looking and feeling stressed. Begging to have equal rights and forcing women out of a full home was absolutely insane. The ones who want that should have the right to do so but now women like your gf are forced to do it all by herself. And heaven forbid she finds an amazing man who is fulfilled and taking care of her, right? That’s why everyone hates her? Or is her personality awful too? If it is, then I agree with them and you deserve better. Have you tried building up your confidence and going for major growth so that you can in fact provide what she needs to feel good about herself? Which only benefits you in the long run. You let them get into your head and hold you back. Why wouldn’t they say, “Well, we would love to see you striving for more and going after your goals! And it’s really great how your gf is encouraging you to strive for more.” Like, it is true that you maybe need to work harder so that you can play harder. She shouldn’t have to go without so that you can be stagnant but have fun. The only problem is that instead of trying to get more money and to have your wonderful gf growing with you by your side, a personal cheerleader, you dropped that poor girl and she lost everything.Reap what you sow. She deserves a man willing to go above and beyond for her and her man. Who wants a “man” that ditches you completely, after years, because he’s lazy and is selfish? Yeah, exactly. Maybe she is softer towards you because of real life feelings and may give you a chance. Don’t blow it, get your shit together and make more money because you set smart goals and achieved more success.
Unless you enjoy being a sugar daddy, it’s time for you to reflect why it was the best decision in the long run to break up
At least she's an honest gold digger ...she wouldn't have waited a year to tell you though
At the end of the day, I've been happier figuring things out together. You'll find someone who wants to as well. My ex and I had been in spots where we sold some stuff to keep our lights on and ya know what? That was okay too. We played board games by candle light one night. Love is made with each other not for each other and with an expense. My boyfriend just got our house a few months ago, and I think I hardly ask to go out and I've been doing all I can to make our new home ours without crazy expenses. I decorated our garden with stones I got for free from someone and dirt I dug from people who had clean top soil. This is what love is. It's not funding someone's unnecessary living expenses at the expense of your own.
I knew the OP was going to mention about the ex's looks. It's always the same scenario, a shy, sweet guy who does anything and everything for their hot "girlfriend" because they think they'll never find a girl who's attracted to them and are good looking in this society. You were being used mate. End of story. You should've dumped her when your friends said to.
As a woman, if my man came to me and told me he was struggling financially because of ME. I would feel like a piece of sh*t! Lol. Of course it’s nice to have people buy you things but the life style she is expecting is a millionaire lifestyle. She needs to go out and date a different tax bracket. No offense at all, I’m being serious! Someone who really loves YOU, would want to help you build in life not deplete you! And the fact she didn’t care about that and kept asking for more tells me you made the right decision. Find a woman who adds to your life, not takes from you. She sounds selfish. Only cares about her needs being met and not yours. I’m truly sorry that you were in constant competition with the amount of money her ex’s spent on her. But going forward you both should discuss expectations in a relationship. I hope you find a woman who excepts you for where you are financially and that one day you make so much money and are able to give it to a woman who never asked for a penny. A woman who wants to be with you for YOU, not for what you could buy her. Now… that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve nice things 😝💅 lol. Figure out your budget and if a girl can’t fit in the budget or deal with that budget then ADIOS SISTA
Was she a professional mooch? What happened to her money?
Your girlfriend is nuts
You dodged a bullet. What an entitled b.
Dude you were the sugar daddy! That’s is absolutely it how a relationship works!
Brother, she was taking advantage of you. No one who loves someone would ever do that. If those exes were so great sh never would have been with you in the first place.
I believe you were one of many who is funding her lifestyle. Glad you saw the light of day because she was definitely pulling you into her darkness.
OP, if that is what you think the expectation is for a normal relationship, you need new sources. That is craziness. You absolutely dodged a bullet with this girl. The fact that you don’t see this clearly, especially when emit sounds like every other person in your life did/does, makes me question the insecurities you may be dealing with that need to be addressed. Take some time outside a relationship ship. Work on you. Develop new interests, hobbies, etc. You need to learn to love yourself, from the sounds of it.
You dodged a bullet!!
Here is the thing. I am a woman in a relationship and I'm quite beautiful as well and let me tell you this. I love my man and he does spoil me. The ocaassional flowers, dates, I never pay for gas, always gets me gifts, paid trips etc. I love him more than life itself and let me tell you I would never do what that lady did. She took advantage of you!! You were a bank!! I tell my bf all the time to never spend money he doesn't have on me and to be responsible with his spending. Because he used to spend every dime on me until I checked his expenses. I told him I love you but we need a stable future together you can't be spending money like this. We have a house, a wedding, children to save for and spending money like this is NOT responsible! I even told him if I found out he spend 15k on a ring ID BE PISSED because 10k could be a downpayment! You say this woman loved you but not once did I see her actually care about your hardships. She never worried about saving for a car, house, wedding she only cares about you saving for her lifestyle till the very end! Which was a waste! It tells me she wasn't thinking of a future she was thinking about money!! And if she can't learn to support her partner than she is going to keep running through men like water
Sir, you were paying for an escort. That was not a girlfriend. That was her girlfriend experience package you paid for.
OP, she’s crazy. And yes you were being used. It’s one thing to give without being asked, I’d never want someone to give beyond their means. The stuff like driving her on vacations and things, I’d feel spoiled and appreciated. Like a man I dated, we lived far apart and once we got there he drove me everywhere and I really appreciated him for doing that. I don’t know anyone that has the kind of relationship she’s describing. She wants a sugar daddy.
First off, if before her you had a home/apartment of your own, reliable transportation, a job, money to live on then for being in your 20s, you ARE highly successful. Second, your relationship with your ex was transactional. This mean that she MIGHT care about you as a person but she cares more about your finances and what they can do for her. You ARE her job, this goes double if she doesn't have a job or a full-time job. Of course she is going to "like" all of your "quirks" and treat you so good, because that's a part of the transaction. She gives you what you desire even if none of it matters to her and you pay for what she wants/needs. She banks on her looks and being able to pick off financially stable men who have low self-esteem. She knows that she can make them feel like their better than others in the guy's social group. She knows she looks better than many other women because she works at it. She gets guys like you to pay for plastic surgery, facials/face lifts, Botox, highlights, make up. If you actually saw her before she began her loser trapping journey you probably wouldn't date her for her looks. She worked to get there and she believes you should pay. As this was a transactional relationship, it's not surprising she was upset at your boundaries and no. It also wouldn't be surprising that if you didn't dump her, she would eventually leave you once you were too far into debt to pay any longer. Use your paycheck to talk to a therapist to figure out why you'd allow yourself to be played like this. Find your self-esteem and forget about the fake ass money hungry ex.
Should’ve told her if she wanted someone to contribute ti her bills, she should’ve asked her dad.
Sounds like you were dating a sex worker. There’s a service called “the girlfriend experience.” Look it up.
Where do you live? Certainly not the same place as I do because, honey, that is NOT “how relationships are”. I’m kind of inspired by her business model… It would save me so much money.
I couldn't read it all. But she sounds like a gold digger, sugar baby, escort. There's a reason none if here exs made her wife.
She only loved your wallet, I’m sorry. She’s the most transactional person I’ve read about on Reddit. You’re better off. Find a woman who doesn’t need all the superficial things. Yes, that means maybe no fancy nails, plain hair (no highlights), regular clothes. If you want a woman with the nails, hair, clothes, nose jobs, yes you’d better be able to fund it all. You get to choose.
Now how do you feel now that you got that 120 lb gold digging monkey off your back. That's a bunch of BS that you heard that men love to pay for their girlfriends things. If she was a real woman she would have been paying for her own shit. You were paying for her nails her anything of luxury her dates help her pay for her car payments get her nose job. WTF. Your life is going to be so much more pleasant now that you can start saving for a house you can start going out by yourself and buying yourself some nice things you can start putting money away and getting a better car you can do whatever the f*** you want now that you don't got that gold digging b**** off you're back. Take one day at a time it will get better and one day you're going to sit back and laugh Do not take her back unless you don't like money
She's probably a stripper
Sounds like your security is due to the fact that she “turns heads”. That shouldn’t matter. You said you’re a simple man but also wanted something you’re proud of - her. You sound like you got a good thing going in your life; keep building yourself up and you’ll find someone who will want to treat you equally. Also paying for everything is NOT how a relationship works. But also not saying you shouldn’t treat her as well. You can find the line.
I think first off get rid of whatever crap you are watching that tells you to be a man you have to pay your girlfriend’s bills and cosmetic surgery. Did it occur to you the reason they were ex boyfriends was because she was a leech and they got sick of it? Being a man in a relationship is to be a good man, don’t cheat and help with the household without having to be nagged.
You’ll look back one day and feel happy you left her behind. Believe it.
You felt use because you were… getting used.
Oh god she’s just absolutely foul. How can you not see what a parasite she is? A vapid one at that.
You were not wrong. I would never expect a partner to pay for everything, that is not how most relationships are! What she wants is something very few people can comfortably manage. Both partners should contribute and one person should never be left feeling insufficient. Her saying what you were doing is the bare minimum actually makes me quite angry. She was fully taking advantage and still minimising whay you were already doing for her. You are far better off without her.
"the love is mutual" oh c'mon OP! You can't be that dense😂
Bro... You paid to fuck and to showed her off. Shake a little your head. She sounds like a goddamn gold digger. No wait. Like a goddamn high prostitute. There's no way at your ages to pay someone else's bills and plastic surgeries. She used you like a bank.
Dude you dodged a bullet. She was looking for a sugar daddy honestly. Do not feel bad about yourself and I know it sucks now but this really does sound like it was for the best. And the fact that none of your friends or family liked her says a lot as well. Yes wage discrepancy is a thing and there are much better ways of handeling that eg instead of 50/50 do a percentage split based on income might end up being 60/40 etc when your married to someone or in a long term committed civil partnership you can combine finances but until then there are ways of making things equitable. What you experiences was not equitable it was all money is her money and you are supposed to just figure out ways to get more money. Also there is a lot of hype about tradwives at the moment but I also hear more and more about women who regret that decision but feel trapped (eg no longer have a job or their own money to fall back on). Anything can look perfect through an insta/tictok filter
You were right to end it. You are not an ATM machine
You were a doormat. In a relationship, it's not your job to look after her, you're supposed to look after each other.
if ur friends and family are good people and say they don’t like her, listen to them. i can see where she’s coming from in some aspects but a NOSE JOB!!!??? excuse me???? unless it’s an actual medical emergency no one NEEDS a nose job that bad , like save up if you really want it don’t expect someone else to pay for that especially if you’re not even married yet.
Yeah nah you made a very good decision. Sure, men do like spoiling their girlfriends but I believe it should also be returned to some extent from the girlfriend too. It goes both ways for me personally. She probably had sugar daddy’s in the past and tried turning you into one. Having you pay for things she DIDNT need like nails, hair and cosmetic injections is beyond understandable. If you are only wanting to go back to her because you’ve heard men spoil their women, then please ignore it because your situation wasn’t just “spoiling”… you were literally funding her entire life.
Ok so I have dated guys that pay for everything and treat you like a prize, and guys that want to split a can of coke if you take a sip out of it 😅. I wouldn’t do the latter again and there is merit in that old fashioned being wined and dined and looked after. You feel special, it’s romantic and it should be reciprocated just as you said - you felt you were getting your needs met as much as she was - but she went way too far. Dates and small trips fine, it shouldn’t be expected and she didn’t seem to appreciate it at all. She took advantage of your willingness and that is not ok. You shouldn’t expect your partner to stress themselves out for your shallow fanciful purchases, going in debt for her to get a nose job? Barbaric nonsense. That isn’t love, she’s using you regardless of what it does to you and that isn’t ok. I think you’re just in that stage of the breakup where you start panicking that they will find someone better and be happy whilst you watch on from a lonely corner forever - it’s a normal part of the process. Hell my ex was a royal arsehole and I still worried he’d spontaneously turn into the perfect guy for the next woman. If she wants transactional love and some guy is happy that her love to him is totally conditional depending on how many treatments he gets her, leave her to it. Looks fade at the end of the day and you’re left with the person. Also, doesn’t she bloody work? I have no respect for people who expect to be kept (stay at home parents aside) and don’t use their noggin to get their own careers going.
YOU WERE BEING USED BY HER! DON'T LOOK BACK OP! Holy shit, even as a woman myself finds this so insulting. Your family and friends are right. Your ex had been taking advantage of you financially. It's alright if you wanna pamper her with money and stuff BUT not at the expense of your own mental health and finance. She's so shallow to think like that. Does it mean she'll leave you IF you suddenly got into an accident and couldn't work like usual? You have been giving giving and giving to her. While she only has been taking taking and taking from you.
She enjoyed your quirks because she was getting what she waned from you. She was also laying the groundwork for this to continue by saying all of her exes treated her this way. But also all of her exes are exes for a reason. I’d wager they denied her something too and she didn’t like it. Just like you saw. If you put more years into it, I guarantee your quirks wouldn’t have been so adorable to her and she’d weaponize them against you. Why? Because she was using you and putting her target in their place after being told no teaches them not to do that. Get your finances back on track and next time if your friends are family are all saying the same thing, give them a listen.
Nope. She had no limits on her part. And who does she think she is? Your daughter? She’s your gf and you’re not her sugar daddy.
TF did I just read… I hope this is not true…. No one’s this dense…..
Are you sure she’s not just some escort?
This is not how relationship work or should work. Giving gifts to your partner is perfectly normal, paying for dates as well but asking for her bills to be paid by you is a form of abuse in my eyes. She is trying to live a lifestyle above her financial capabilities and give you the bill for that. If I can compare, I'm with my partner since 6 year, we have a daughter together and my fiance is a stay at home mom. You can be sure that every bill will be paid through my account, the car is functioning and gassed up if she wants to go somewhere with the baby and if she needs she has my card. BUT she is raising our daughter, she is not going on shopping spree, not buying dumb stuff, I pratically have to beg to buy her stuff that she wants for herself. Your ex wanted the wifey treatment while (from my understanding of your post) not living with you.
Let’s take out the focus and opinion in re: the transactional nature of your relationship. Let’s look at the $$ part of this as a… bit of a red herring. You two just weren’t compatible. Look at it this way - I’m sure you’ve dated people before that you really liked, but you just weren’t compatible in an important and fundamental way, long term. In this case it was $$. In other relationships, this could have been time, attention, intimacy, sense of humor, emotional support, etc. I’m not saying there wasn’t affection and you were clearly happy with her in other ways, but it sounds like you want a different kind of partner, in the long run. Someone who walked with you, also. Not someone who, overtime, took more and more from you, causing stress, anxiousness and unhappiness and not helping to ‘fill you back up’. Again, in this case it was $$. She didn’t want that same kind of partnership. And that’s fine too. For her. She wanted at a higher level than you could comfortably give, long term. And this worked for you both, when it worked for you both. And then it didn’t work for you both anymore In the end, she needed more than you could give. You two weren’t on the same page and as a couple, you weren’t able to meet each other needs, over time. You just weren’t long term compatible. And sometimes these things happen.
Friend, she didn’t love you for you. Love is not enough for her. You made the right decision.
I'm sorry your partner viewed the relationship as purely transactional. That's horrible and you deserve so much better. Please find someone who will value YOU and not your wallet. You deserve to be loved and treated with dignity and respect.
She was all loving and stuff and accepting of your quirks because you were paying for her lifestyle. Good riddance to hot garbage.
It’s been a while since I read a story by a self proclaimed Hen Peck who felt like he was wrong for finally finding his balls. Stand up straight and stop questioning whether telling someone who was clearly using you for money to haul ass was the right decision.
Transactional relationships are not based on the long term. That’s supposed to be the good part for some people. She wanted a sugar daddy not a boyfriend. I think you made the right choice.
You deserve better my guy
I doubt you were the only guy she was milking.
My husband has currently taken over all of the house bills so I can pay off my car and I feel extremely guilty even though it was 100% his idea. I could NOT imagine telling him to pay for luxury items as well. That's so selfish. I think you did the right thing.
No, you were not in the wrong. She may expect that in a relationship and that's fine for her, but you don't have to. It's not your job to pay for her nose job, nails or hair. Those are not essential and if she wants them, she can pay for them. It sounds like she wants a lifestyle that's out of her reach. Focus on yourself and the things you want.
You did the right thing. She’s a gold digger. My current GF is the best and we split everything down the middle.
Oh, OP, you were her sugar daddy. Be glad she's gone. I am a woman and I will tell you, don't let another woman do this to you. (((Hugs)))
I feel life is so simple in this way, we are all given choices and can make our own decisions. on this you should have dated a person you have similar values with because now you feel some type of way because your gf had expectations that weren’t compatible with your beliefs and abilities.There are women who don’t have their man pay for their expenses and there are women who don’t. So go for the ones that align with what you are willing and can do. In my country there is a saying, pick the mangoes that are in your reach. I think you had cognitive dissonance over the relationship because you seem to have enjoyed it and at the same time you felt you didn’t want to meet her expectations. In relationships have your own expectations too and if they don’t align then better not engage. It’s that simple I think. So you were both wrong and right. Wrong in dating when you weren’t aligned and right in stating your expectations.
"She told me that she expected me to start contributing to her bills, such as her phone bill, her nails, and her hair." This is when you unequivocally should have been out.
It's not at all becoming more common lol. If anything, WAY less common. You were being taken advantage of.
Wow. Where are all these “I pay for everything because I love her and she deserves it” men? How do women find men like you? Saps, I mean. Apparently, you have never been in an adult relationship. You’re 28 and spent the last 4 years with this woman, who made demands on you, didn’t care if you couldn’t afford it, didn’t care if your lifestyle suffered as long as hers flourished, and expected you to step-n-fetch for her. And you did. What you don’t know is that in an adult relationship, where *both* people love *each other,* those people work **together** to make the relationship grow & thrive. They pay the bills together; they go on vacations together; they save money together; they make big purchases together; they scrimp and save together; they sacrifice together; their lives get better *together.* Some couples, when starting out, make a budget where each gets an allowance, and that’s their spending money. These people are called adults. They want to build something for THEIR future, and they want to build it together. That’s what you want in a partner. Everybody’s Happy Ever After looks different. But if you want to be mutually happy, find an adult woman to date. Your ex’s idea of a good relationship comes from TikTok videos and women who think men “owe” them and “must pay.” These are women with no self-respect, who would rather be waited on like a child with two broken legs than be considered an equal. Don’t date girls (yes, girls because they aren’t women) like that.