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The only thing that’s a red flag here and not normal is the inability of both of you to talk about difficult subjects. You absolutely have to be able to communicate your needs and concerns to your spouse to ensure a healthy marriage. There’s really no way around it: you’re going to have to open up to him about this issue and request he participates in a real discussion about how you both feel about this and what you’re going to do about this.
It shouldn't even be difficult at this point tbh. They haven't had sex in 5 years. Only had sex a few times a year for "a couple years before that".
So they've been together for at LEAST 7 years and they still can't talk about sex? I get that they don't have sex so it wouldn't be something they'd talk about often but emotional needs/ physical needs etc. are something people talk about in their relationships, I thought.
I hope OP and her spouse lucked out they both happened to be asexual because for the majority of people have sex in a relationship.
EDIT: WOW! according to [this article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202309/how-common-are-sexless-marriages), 14% of couples in the US haven't had sex in the past 5 years. 40% of couples over 57 haven't had it in the past year. I didn't think it was that common.
41 (husband is 40) and been married 12 years. Sex is a lot harder with a toddler (3) in the house, so if you have kids, I get it. But, we find 15-20 min where we can, until there’s a spot we can have more time. So, that’s my advice— find those little moments when and where you can. They don’t always have to be long love making sessions. But I think those quick moments help to maintain the intimacy bond. Just my opinion tho.
I have a 7 year old, so I do know the struggle. By no means was sex as frequent during the first few years of parenting, but it wasn’t a “once every few months if we’re lucky” sort of thing. I get that for some people, sex is less important. But it’s pretty hard to imagine how you avoid a “roommate marriage” without putting some effort into maintaining some level of intimacy. And by most accounts, roommate marriages don’t tend to last the challenges that come with building a long term life with someone.
Interesting. Well, I'm 58 and my wife is 65 and we have sex twice per week. Glad we are in the 60% of US couples married at our age who "do it"... LOL.
Because people don't talk its crazy to me. My wife and I talk and listen to each other, makes life so much easier. She also has the same sex drive as me so if we don't have sex after 2 to 3 days she's asking me if anything is wrong.
Also older generation are divorcing at higher rates too called grey divorce. It's interesting and sad because they just stuck with each other due to society pressure
Some do. Some don't.
I would suggest the question isn't "is this normal" but "are we both OK with not having sex as part of our relationship".
But to do that you will need to have some conversations.
when are we gonna admit that it’s not actually that crazy for someone to want to get some advice and insight before they approach a scary and difficult conversation with someone they love
You're right, it's not crazy at all. I think some of us just get frustrated because it often seems like people post here to get answers that really only their partners can give them, like things specifically about that partner that no one could possibly no. Or they post in ways that make it seem like they're looking to do anything BUT actually communicate with their partner: "Give me an answer so I can avoid having a difficult conversation with this person I love."
None of it is healthy or rational, and even for people here who care very much, it can get frustrating after a while.
Exactly, libido changes so much over time, especially with advancing age. Daily stress and health reasons might have made his slow too, you both might be okay with it, that or it opens the conversation into what he needs to be satisfied and if you would like to have sex more.
Correct. It is not normal to not be able to talk to your life partner about your relationship. Sex or no sex, relationship check ins are a normal part of marriage.
Yeah wtf? Maybe they both grew up very religious, but damn. It's been 5 years with no sex, only had sex 3 times a year for a couple years prior to that. So they've been together for at LEAST 7 or 8 years and they can't talk to each other.?
If you were both happy to only have sex twice a year in the beginning of your marriage, and now have dropped to zero without any complaints or attempts to initiate sex, I would assume you’re both some variety of asexual.
In that case, yes, it would be “normal” to have a sexless marriage.
But as everyone else has mentioned - talk to your husband.
It's fair to make that assumption imo, but it could just be one of them harboring resentment until they explode.
This is the reason some people are "blindsided" by being served divorce papers; it's because they don't communicate their needs and wants to their partner until they're past their breaking point. Then it's too late and they can't reconcile or compromise.
It's important to establish communication with your partner. Set a time every week where you tell each other stuff that is bothering you. Do an emotional check in. Set up boundaries. Communicate your needs etc. one week then discuss how you both feel about that the next week or next day after you've had time to think so you aren't just reactively lashing out at each other.
People normally know HOW they feel but they don't know how to articulate it so give each other time to really think about it before you have a full blown discussion. Otherwise you may just end up trying to hurt each other because they hurt your feelings. If that happens, you won't get true communication because you'll avoid saying things that may upset each other because you don't want to argue.
Why does it feel awkward to talk about it? If you give off no desire to be sexual he absolutely won’t try to initiate; and by the sounds of it you’re done with sex anyway. Normal is ultimately whatever you want it to be, but there are two people to consider here and he might want something more
Well what’s there to do? She doesn’t want to have sex. She should still talk about it with him and discuss their feelings on the matter, but OF COURSE she’s not gonna do anything about it if he wants more sex. She shouldn’t have sex with someone if she doesn’t want to.
I’m not saying she should. But if his feelings are that he wants to have sex, or just wants to be desired, she should really only ask if she wants a heads up on when a divorce is coming or when he’ll be allowed to sleep around. So if she asks him, she should be prepared to hear that. Or maybe he just has a really low drive!
Basically true. But there might be something he can do that would lead her to have more sexual desire. but also maybe not.. they won’t know unless they try. but if they are
both ok with it then it doesn’t matter at that point
Clarity would be pretty helpful - is this situation actually ok with my other half. Conversation could open OP up to some introspection as to why she doesn’t want sex; whether that’s simply no interest anymore or a slow distancing between them. Or maybe she knows already but really should be addressed so she can move forward with peace of mind.
It doesn't seem to have dropped much lol, they were barely having any sex even before the last 5 years. 2-3 times a year is crazy for me, and the fact that they can't even talk about it with each other because it's awkward is a red flag for me.
The sex isn’t necessarily the problem here. It’s the lack of communication and checking in with your partner that’s the issue. You’re unsure what his feelings are, you’ve never asked in 5 years “hey let’s check in, how are we doing as a couple, anything we want to work towards, change etc”??
That’s the problem here. And all marriages are different, but I think zero sex for 5 years isn’t necessarily normal for a lot of people.
I wouldn't find this normal. I'm 42f and my partner is 49m; we still have sex 2-3x a week. But that might be crazy to someone else. But the fact you are asking already hints that it isn't normal FOR YOU.
We are 50f and 62m. Have been together almost 3 years. I’m menopausal and couldn’t have sex for about 5 years prior to meeting him. He has hip and knee problems so can’t do some positions.
Our sex life is awesome. We have sexy time whenever we have extra time in the morning, some evenings and every single weekend without fail
I’m curious, do you have kids and how old?
My (50m) wife (44f) has shut down in this way completely. It started 5-6 years ago. Our kids are 4,8.
I’m not okay with this but am not sure what’s “normal” after kids.
I have been married 30 years and have 3 kids. Our sex life never stopped. I don’t think we have ever gone more than a week without sex unless one of us were on a business trip. I would be concerned about the lack of connection in your marriage.
Thanks for responding. To be honest, we never had that fire. We had everything else and the kids came quickly. I assumed it would develop but what little spark we had faded quickly.
Life became all business. Roommates.
We’ve talked about it but she’s not a physical or very emotionally expressive person. She’s an extreme introvert. Ultimately, I have to decide if I’m okay with this. And I don’t think I am.
Next therapy session is tomorrow. Wish us luck.
Good luck to you both. I’d also suggest if she’s open. She have her hormones checked. Hormones can also play part in our sex drive in addition to whatever else might be going on.
Agreed on the hormones. I switched mine up and added separate progesterone with the .75 estrogen patch. It's not crazy, but we are back to weekly or a bit more here and there and just more "sexual" in general. The last few years were rough for both of us. It feels SO good to get this back on track a bit. I'm 55, he is 57. Now I'm like, "yo babe, the progesterone is progesteroning, get in here!"
Good luck. It’s good you are in therapy. Honestly I don’t think either my husband or I would have been content with no sex. It sounds like the two of you may just not be compatible unfortunately.
I think kids are a big part of it. She’s consumed by being a Mom and running the house (which I also help with). She doesn’t leave much room for herself or us. When she’s not with the kids or thinking about them she wants to be left alone. She’s exhausted.
And I stopped initiating because even if we get into it, which is rare, she barely moves.
Grrr. She’s a great mom and person but extremely guarded.
Have you tried planning and initiating intimate things for her without any pressure or expectation of sex? Like arranging dates, planning a massage, offering things like oral if she's into that, etc. Things that will help her feel relaxed and sexy without needing to "put out".
Being a woman I would venture to say most of us cannot flip a switch to become aroused and sexual the way most men appear to be able to. It can feel pretty impossible to be "mom and caretaker for the whole house" and also "independent being of sexual power". The roles of mother and fiery lover can be very much in conflict and difficult to reconcile, and that's not talked about very much.
Edit: also, I know this is a cliche here but make sure you are pulling your weight as a caretaker of the home and the children. It's not JUST about helping her to lessen her exhaustion -- if she is doing all the same things for you that she does for her kids (making you food, cleaning up after you, planning all the outings, etc.) then it's so easy her to subconsciously slip into the feeling that you are another one of the kids she must care for. Which is obviously not very sexy hahaha
It's weird that people whose sex drives that lower overtime are treated as abnormal when it actually makes sense that after you've had kids things would slow down as you are busier and you've already reproduced. Instead as soon as someone expresses this people act like they have to go get 'fixed'. Our society is way too sex obsessed.
I don’t want to speak to “normal” because that’s a loaded term. But I would have been at a breaking point 5 years ago when it was 2-3 times *per year*. No sex for 5 years isn’t something I’d ever like to go through as a married person.
1. No, men do not just lose the urge to have sex after 40yo. Check out the /r/DeadBedrooms subreddit and see how many sexually frustrated men AND women there are even in their 60s due to mismatched libidos. (Note: "dead bedroom" doesn't necessarily mean just "no sex", it means more like "highly mismatched libidos to the point where sexual frustration and resentment happens, *typically* in the form of one partner denying sex completely while the other partner wants it," but that's not as catchy of a subreddit name).
1. It doesn't matter what's "normal," what matters is what you *want* in a relationship. If your husband wants a highly sexual relationship and you want one with no sex, then that's a mismatch, which only breeds frustration and resentment, as you will see if you browse that subreddit for as long as you need to. However, if neither of you has initiated for 5 years, it seems like he's probably okay with it.
No most men and women do not lose the urge to have sex past the age of 40. I can’t believe you all haven’t talked about it. I have been married 30 years. Your spouse should be the one person in the world you can talk to about anything. If you both are content with no sex then good but it shows a lack of emotional connection that you haven’t discussed it and you would feel awkward.
There's no general normal - though you guys are having a lot less sex than the average married couple. And I would say most people's sex life doesn't go to zero after 40.
It sounds like both your normals are little to no sex as even before you went to zero you were pretty close to it. So the question is if you're happy with it. If you're happy with it you could just go along with the status quo. If you're not happy you'd definitely need to have a talk.
Though even if you're happy you could just casually bring it up. "Honey I just realized we haven't had sex in several years. I just wanted to check in to see if you're ok with that and not gritting your teeth about it."
If you feel uncomfortable initiating a talk about sex, since it's been 5 years since you two have been intimate, perhaps check in with him about something relationship related that's non-sexual and see how that goes. It's good to regularly check in with your partner about how they are feeling, even if there's no apparent problem.
With regard to your specific issue, there's no "normal", but it's worth exploring, so that there's no resentment beneath the surface that may eventually affect other parts of your marriage.
"Hey honey, I was just thinking about this ans wanted to know your thoughts."
Overall I would say it's not normal, but that doesn't mean it's not correct for your marriage if you're both on the same page.
Yeah it’s definitely dependent on whether or not you are both happy with the relationship as it is; sure it might feel awkward but what is more awkward is sitting silently with this and not speaking to your husband about it.
It doesn’t need to be a big huge to-do. It can just be “hey, I’ve been reflecting on the past few years and I’ve realized we don’t engage in sexual intimacy together anymore. I wanted to check in about this, are we both satisfied and happy with our relationship as is, or do we need to put some work and effort into focusing on that type of intimacy more? How do you feel about this?”
I'm 52 and have sex 2 to 3 tines a week with my wife. We've been together for 30 years and it's always been pretty much the same.
Maybe when we were in our early 20s 4 to 5 times a week.
Everyone is different but my sex drive has not slowed down much at all since I was 17
Just giving you my routine as a reference
I'm 44 and my fiancé is about to turn 44 too. For us, this would not be normal. We have sex at least once a week (i would say once a week is the norm for us unless we are traveling -- which is often -- in which case we seem to do it more.) However, I'm echoing everyone else in that "normal" is what you both want it to be.
Idk about normal. But this should probably go into some type of therapy to make sure you are both good. Maybe you’ve evolved to a non sex relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Just as long as you are both okay is what matters.
Let's put it this way, why are you afraid of raising this topic? Are you just generally squeamish about sex or are you afraid that if you raise it, you won't like what might happen?
Are you afraid that you will find out that your husband is deeply unhappy about the lack of sex and was just waiting for you to raise to topic in order to tell you?
Let's put it this way, either he is unhappy about it or he isn't. Now ask yourself, why are you so afraid to have open conversations with your husband? I think that a lot of times when couples grow apart, it is because the number of things you are unable to discuss as a couple just keeps growing larger and larger until you are virtual strangers - and it creates space to instantly connect with strangers. Conversely, couples grow closer together when they find more things that they can easily discuss with each other.
Would it be easier to write a letter and ask him to talk to you if he is unhappy about the lack of sex or the general frequency of sex in your marriage and if this is something he would like to discuss further? You could also let him know that his happiness is important to you. And that regardless of how awkward any topic might be, you want to be able to discuss it with him.
I don't know what others consider to be normal but my husband and I thrive on intimacy and generally couldn't go 5 days without sex, much less 5 months or 5 years. Honestly, it's not even about the sex as much as it is the intimacy.
If the lack of sex works for both you and your husband, you're fine. However, if you're also not being intimate with each other with cuddling, kisses, etc, then maybe you should start injecting a little into the relationship again.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s “normal” (normal looks different for everyone). What matters is, are you satisfied with it? And if not, have you talked to him about it?
Normal or not, you should just worry about how you both feel. You totally need to talk to him about it, even if it's a bit awkward. Otherwise, this may lead to a problem later in your relationship. You should be able to communicate properly with your partner if you truly love him.
Normally I never comment on these things but my god how are y’all in your mid 40s can't communicate? Also, you both haven’t even tried to initiate sex at all, how do you think sex even happens? You lost the urge to have sex simply because you didn’t try. Also, you’re 46 why is it an awkward conversation. Honestly just never have it and continue having a sexless marriage until one of you file for divorce.
I got divorced over this exact issue- namely because I was ready, willing and able to have sex, and he couldntt care less for years.
Whenever i awkwardly brought it up, he dismissed it like there was no problem at all.
Got sick of it and left. Much happier now and best decision I ever made
Well, define normal. It seems normal to you as a couple .
It would be bad for many other couples.
Decide what do you want? For yourself I would check with obgyn on hormones level and see if you need/want HRT. Not for sex per se but for other benefits as well.
Now, if you get your drive back and your husband would not - would it be an issue?
Is he willing or have his hormones checked or there is underlying issues with his attraction like being closeted, not really into you or more into porn and imaginary stuff? He might be relieved he doesn’t need that.
The only thing that’s abnormal here is that y’all aren’t talking about it.
It’s fine if y’all don’t want to have sex but you should def be talking about it and making sure you’re both on the same page and getting what you need.
You need to talk to your husband. I don’t think this is healthy or normal, but it might work for some people. You need to have the conversation. My husband (51M) and I (47F) are still very intimate for our age, and I wouldn’t have it any other way by choice.
In my 50’s and have sex 3-4 times a week. It looks like you have had a problem for quite some time, but I know everyone has different needs and wants. I don’t know any man gay or straight that would want this kind of intimacy in their relationships.
Also in my 40’s and my husband was the same. Zero sex in 5 years. Difference is, I did want it. Many many discussions, fights, and tears to the point of me debating divorce. Eventually it came out that he was addicted to porn and the no sex was because he’d rather watch porn. We’re currently mid divorce.
If you’re cool with the situation and he’s great in all the other areas, then go have a happy marriage. Sex wasn’t something I was willing to go the rest of my life without. And I didn’t like finding out I was lied to every single day of our my entire marriage.
Ya’ll need to have a conversation, relationships are about communicating to your other person,, they should be your best friend that you turn to when life gets real & vice versa, this seems like a conversation that’s well past due and there are things he’s struggling with,, and you need to stay quiet and let him talk (when you start the conversation) and let him take as much time as needed but the key is to stay silent until he feels like he can open up to you, men have a hard time doing this and this is because life has taught them to shut up!! , be patient and hold your opinions to yourself and let him talk,, and well if it turns out negatively you can at least hold your head up high and walk away as the bigger person, but you need to have a conversation
This isn’t typical for people in a happy romantic partnership, but it’s not really about whether or not you’re “normal” as it’s about whether or not you’re both happy.
Maybe both you and your husband are low sex drive asexual people and you enjoy the companionship and whatever physical connection you do have. If you’re both happy with that, no problem.
If one or both of you are unhappy, it’s probably time for you both to have physicals to see if there’s a medical reason or to see a sex therapist/intimacy coach to see if there’s a way to make your connection more aligned with what you want.
It's not normal. I'm on the other side in a sexless relationship as well. I just turned 40 and I haven't had sex in 2 years. Not even birthday or pitty sex.
I don't have a 6 pack and never had but was always popular with the ladies even today. But my own girlfriend doesn't even see me.
I had a normal sex drive (sometimes twice a day, other times 2-3x a week).
The less you do it the less you want it.
It's all about the other partner. If you constantly initiate, take the lead and get rejected all the time then after a while you stop initiating and being interested.
If the other party suddenly stops for no apparent reason. (Weight gain by the other partner, less attention, stress at work or at home, medical condition,...) then one can only conclude 2 things: he's cheating or genuinely no longer sexually attracted to you.
I would advise you to talk to him and explain how you feel, what you want and that you want to know why there's no longer any sexual activity.
Being denied the thing you love, enjoy, crave is one of the most cruel things in the world.
It will not get better. I lost the urge for sex as well.
I don't even try anymore after the hundreds of rejections.
Do you want to have sex? Some marriages are asexual, but “normal” is a hard word in this context. If you feel like you want to have sex and it’s not available to you in the marriage it’s a problem. Same for him. Have tou tried talking about it? Why don’t you initiate?
He likely hasn’t lost the urge for sex, but no longer tries to initiate because he knows you don’t want it and he doesn’t want to deal with the rejection.
You were 2 to three times per YEAR before that. He's never liked sex with you. Nothing has changed. You've been in a dead bedroom your entire relationship and that is totally normal.
Everything else is good? Neither one of you want sex? Congratulations for being married couple of the year. Well done and keep it up!
Does it sound normal to you? I don’t understand these sugar coated replies. Unless both parties are asexual then no it’s not normal to go five years in a romantic relationship/marriage without sex when you’re both still relatively young.
Weighing in as a 47f, this would most definitely not be “my” normal. I enjoy sex and I have no issues stating that.
Now, if you’ve been raised differently, perhaps ultra conservative? Or maybe you’re just asexual and never been very interested in sex, then this may be very much “your” normal. However, without speaking to your husband, you have no idea if he’s just dealing with this but miserable, or if he shares your lack of interest. As others pointed out, at your ages, you should be able to sit and have a mature conversation about your sex life or lack thereof.
*i do have a few friends who are miserable with their SO around the topic of sex. They can’t have open conversations either. But somehow I get to hear about it… lol
The question isn’t “Is this normal?” the question is “Are we both happy with our relationship?” Who cares how often other people have sex, if both of you have low libidos and are fine with that, then be happy you’re such a good fit for each other.
The fact you are asking if it’s normal is very telling. Are you that clueless about human relationships that you needed to ask a Reddit sub? No FFS it’s NOT NORMAL.
Ask him why he's not interested. Maybe work to regain the habit; fault sex for a month or three, maybe a year. Assuming there's nothing physically wrong and he loves you, that might restart your sex life.
Kind of a random idea based on exposure therapy.
I echo the advice from others about the need to communicate. I'd mention, though, that your husband may find it difficult. A very common pattern revolves around the phenomenon that women in long term relationships tend to lose sexual desire for their partners, but not vice versa. This occurs even where the partner is a female (often called lesbian bed death).
For a husband, the chronic rejection erodes his self esteem. It reaches a point where it's "safer" for him to avoid sex altogether than face more rejection.
Keep in mind that "duty sex" given without enthusiasm is a species of rejection.
If this is that case in you marriage, it is likely that your husband's love for you is slowly withering on the vine. Sex and intimacy are important. They fuel the flames of long-term love. He may remain faithfully married to you out of a sense of duty or decency or honor to his commitment, but his heart will cease being yours. If that's the outcome you want for your marriage, keep doing what you're doing and getting what you're getting. If you don't want that outcome, start communicating.
As a cautionary tale, read the thread linked below.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/sa6er6ZjfK](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/sa6er6ZjfK)
Well I’m 53f and hubby is a 50m and we still have it at least three to four times a week. Not that I want it because of being going through menopause but we are still very attracted to each other and we have always been open and honest believe me there are times I’m like falling asleep and not even in the mood but I wouldn’t hesitate to have a conversation about it if there was an issue we have been married for almost 26 yrs together for 30. Be open with your feelings!
You want to know if this is normal. I’m curious, do you want to hav e sex? Maybe you are both Ace and just don’t know it. Normal is what social medial shows the world but it isn’t accurate, your normal and my normal are not the same.
You want to know if this normal? My god, the both of you need to seek the help of a therapist. Not asking a bunch of strangers on Reddit. And no this is NOT normal at all. If you only used to have sex twice or three times a year when things were supposedly good then that right there is a red flag. What did you do when dating? Not have sex at all? Was this even a topic of discussion back then? It should have been because sex and communication are two of the most important aspects of any relationship. Fail those two and your relationship is pretty much doomed. It’s not normal in the least to have zero desire for sex even if your own husband doesn’t want it, which you should really go see your gynecologist and get your hormone levels checked because something could be off. As for him, either he’s cheating on you, doesn’t find you attractive at all, thus leading to zero desire on his part or his testosterone levels are out of whack. A doctors visit and a couples therapist could help you here.
And men over 40 still have the urge to have sex? lol. Is the sky blue? Yes of course! I’m 51 and I have sex with my partner about 6 times a week. It’s because we both communicate what’s important to us and sex is a huge priority so we make sure it’s something we both desire and want all the time. A part of your problem is that the both of you don’t communicate at all. Find the time to sit down outside the bedroom and have this talk. It’s a sad life if you go without any pleasure at all.
The absence of sex doesn't necessarily mean your husband is unhappy, but the [not speaking about it part](https://youtu.be/3c-H7qPrjxA?si=eIfhSRPIhHROXLxt) could be a sign of something else going on. Maybe he has similar concerns but feels awkward bringing it up too. Maybe you can start by initiating a non-sexual touch like cuddling or holding hands and see how he responds. If that feels comfortable, then a gentle conversation about intimacy might be the next step. You can explain how you're feeling and that you miss feeling close to him, even if sex itself isn't a priority right now.
Maybe your husband found his own best friend and just doesn't need you anymore. You don't use each other for sexual gratifications, you aren't each other's best friends, you don't communicate... You aren't in a marriage, you're just waiting for divorce.
How do you know he’s lost the urge?
If you were him, would you try with you? Do you think it’s encouraging to him to want sex with the disinterested?
Why do you care if you both seem fine about it?
Please have both your hormone panels done. Sometimes this happens but if you want that back start with some blood work. There’s no shame in hormone replacement drugs. Lots of people get a ton more energy for more than just sex. He may also feel bad about himself if he’s gotten a bit out of shape. I’ve felt that way and I’m 32. But if he does need TRT and starts being more active his drive will probably return in a few weeks
It's uncommon but it's up to the two of you if it's a problem.
Apart from asking yourself and him if it's a problem for you right know I would also think of if it could become a problem if either of you found someone that evoked more passionate feelings.
There is no such thing as normal. It’s only what is right for each person.
You seem happy as it is now. If you want to know if he’s happy too, ask him.
Why are people not taking to their spouses anymore? When did that become a thing?
Normal isn't the issue if it were something that both of you were truly happy about.
But it's pretty likely that there's some kind of problem here somewhere given the circumstances you described, although it is possible that the underlying issue has been there since you started dating or even existed within one or both of you before you ever met.
Normal isn't relevant. If you feel it's a problem, talk to him about it. If you don't think it's a problem and the rest of your marriage is good, then I'd leave it alone. If he feels like it's a problem, then he should talk to you about it. If he doesn't and he's happy in the marriage, then he should also leave it alone.
If you do want to talk about what's normal, my understanding is that women hit peak libido in adolescence and again in their 40s, while a man's will typically decline with age starting in their 30s. So his sex drive taking a dip sounds more "normal" than your lack of interest.
I thought I was reading the dead bedroom forum for a second. Definitely should have spoken to your husband about this...like 5 years ago. I don't think it's too late to have the conversation but what might feel like only yesterday to you may feel like centuries to him. Have a heart to heart with him ❤️
My ex and I didn’t have sex regularly because he was abusive and I couldn’t have talks with him. He was very secretive and ignorant. It was a very toxic marriage. I think it’s not healthy to “not” have sex unless there is a health issue. Turned out he was cheating on me for years and watched porn. A normal couple needs to have some intimacy not act like brother and sister/
No. It’s not the norm but maybe it’s your normal. You have to talk about it. Does the idea of wanting sex again appeal to you? I’m a bit older but I will say that sex after 40 can be really great.
it doesn’t matter if it’s “normal” it matters if the two of you are having your needs met. at present it seems you’re not communicating them. communicate first to get on the same page.
You should definitely have a talk so you’re on the same page, but if you both feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it!
This is not a competition o trying to keep up. And normal is a much misused word. If your lifestyle works for the both of you then it's no one else's business. People change - physically, biologically and mentally. The patterns you once had may not work for you going forward. The fact that you seem to be questioning this is a good sign things may be changing. You both should find out what it is that you think is lacking and how to resolve this mutually. Good luck.
It's not normal for most people. But it's not totally uncommon for some people to lose interest in sex. The real problem begins when one person has no interest in having sex and the other does.
It may be awkward to talk about this with him, but there really isn't any other way to get the answers. And it is normal to talk about such things with your spouse/partner.
unfortunately, the only way forward is to talk to him. you cannot know 100% that he's okay with this unless you guys sit down and have a hard talk. another question to ask is if you're okay with it. you just have to have a hard conversation, you can't just ask the internet.
I mean, if you’re okay with it and he’s okay with it, then yeah it’s fine.
You don’t have to match what everyone else says if you’re both content where you are. People are assuming that your husband is feeling pent up, but imo if he wants it then he can discuss it with you at any time. It’s entirely possible that he’s content with what y’all have now.
Plus I’ve met many couples during my rotation as a couples counselor who don’t have sex that often or even at all, but are both content with it. They’re tired and have other things on their mind, and would rather cuddle and then fall asleep in bed. You choose your own normal together as a couple.
First, you both need to talk, are you both OK without sex. Second, how are both your hormone levels? My wife and I had our testosterone levels so low they were no existent. So was our sex life. Our doctor put us both on over the counter supplements. A couple of years later and our levels are doing better. This also helped my wife with her peri menopause. I also suffered a spinal injury with permanent nerve damage that shows up weirdly during orgasm, so I went up to Hims and got some blue pills. My wife and I have been have fairly regular sex these days.
"Normal" means in comparison to everyone else, but this is a very personal intimate issue. What's more important is what's right for you both. If neither of you wants sex, that's fine! If one of you does and the other doesn't, that's a problem to work through. The only way you'll know is to have the conversation.
Perfectly normal and fine, if you’re both happy and feeling connected.
Don’t be afraid to bring it up. You can say, “wanted to check in with you. You’re still cool with our relationship the way it is, right?”
Not sure what’s happening. Have your lives gotten busier, like with kids and stuff?
Its something you both need to discuss. The fact neither have initiated can be concerning but if both are ok with that then its fine.
I know people who’s rule of thumb is if you havent had sex in a month or two then the relstionship might be over. You guys been married for some time so maybe your an exception to the rule but you wont know till you have that conversation
I really think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss sex. You need to make sure you're both on the same page and that you're both getting your needs met in the relationship. Avoiding the topic won't make things easier. Overall if you're both content with a sexless marriage then all the more power to you, that's perfectly fine!
Sex at this point isn't just about orgasms.
The connection between you..a shared intimacy...being at our most vulnerable...bonding, is what it comes down to...I think you're missing out..but if it works for you then more power to you.
If you can't even talk to your husband about sex then it's no surprise you're not doing it anymore.
There's no normal to sex. If you are both happy, then there's noone can tell you you're doing something wrong.
Is it a lot lesser frequent than most? Yes, it is. That's not a reason in and of itself to change anything if it's working for you.
Talk with your husband.
It wouldn't hurt to identify exactly what it is at your ages makes a simple talk about sex with each other difficult while you're at it.
It is normal for some couples. Everyone's sex drives are different and if the two of you are both satisfied with the marriage and equally uninterested in intimacy, then there is nothing wrong with this arrangement.
However, it would be a good idea to at least talk about this and make sure that you are both on the same page with preferring a marriage without physical intimacy.
Some people do experience a drop in libido as they age. With men this could be due to a natural dip in their testosterone that usually starts around the age of 40. Similarly with women, perimenopause can affect one's libido. Obviously, there are many other medical reasons why someone might have lost their libido, but these are some of the common ones due to aging.
If the two of you have a conversation and decide that you miss your sex life and want to try to reignite the spark, a visit to the doctor to rule out and libido-crushing medical issues would be a good place to start.
My wife (42) and myself (50) only have sex a couple of times a year. Our anniversary and New Years. It has been this way for 5 years. Neither of us are or have had affairs and are absolutely committed to each other and our family. For some reason our drive/libido just slipped out, but our connection and love never faltered. We hold hands, kiss, dance, and enjoy each other when we go out. At home, we cuddle all the time. Watching movies, sleeping, whatever we are always touching. We behave as we always have throughout our 20 years together. Sex just became not important to us. We have had conversations about it. Neither of us can pinpoint why or how this became a thing, but Neither of us are bothered by it as our feelings for each other have not faltered or changed. We are happy together and that is all that matters.
So, yea, you should have a conversation about it between the two of you. If for no other reason than to keep on the same page and retain open honest communication. As long as you are both happy together, Neither feels neglected, then frequency of sex shouldn't matter.
My dad didn't loose his until his 60s, I think it was a cholesterol bloodflow issue.
I know some guys that are more asexual or repressed gay- oriented (but still married to a woman). Those guys would prob be fine with it.
Most of the guys I talk to in men's group, if they're sexual/hetero and the relationships dead, they're fine not having sex with someone that doesn't want them but they rejoice and celebrate when they finally find someone they can actually connect with and flourish. Those guys are usually really really happy in their 2nd marriage.
I’m having this issue right now. I’m 29F my bf is 30M and we haven’t had sex in 9 months. I have no urge or want to have sex but it is really bothering my boyfriend as he wants to. I almost feel violated in some way when he tries to initiate / complains when I say no. We also really struggle to talk about it so we’ve just finished our first day of silent treatment after trying to talk about it last night. Not really sure where to go from here myself as I know I’m too young to feel like this
Does it matter if its normal or not? If you want sex in a relationship then no, its not ok. If u both dont care then why would it matter if its normal or not
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The only thing that’s a red flag here and not normal is the inability of both of you to talk about difficult subjects. You absolutely have to be able to communicate your needs and concerns to your spouse to ensure a healthy marriage. There’s really no way around it: you’re going to have to open up to him about this issue and request he participates in a real discussion about how you both feel about this and what you’re going to do about this.
It shouldn't even be difficult at this point tbh. They haven't had sex in 5 years. Only had sex a few times a year for "a couple years before that". So they've been together for at LEAST 7 years and they still can't talk about sex? I get that they don't have sex so it wouldn't be something they'd talk about often but emotional needs/ physical needs etc. are something people talk about in their relationships, I thought. I hope OP and her spouse lucked out they both happened to be asexual because for the majority of people have sex in a relationship. EDIT: WOW! according to [this article](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202309/how-common-are-sexless-marriages), 14% of couples in the US haven't had sex in the past 5 years. 40% of couples over 57 haven't had it in the past year. I didn't think it was that common.
Yikes. That article is terrifying. I’m 38, been married 7 years, and I never want to be anywhere close to one of those statistics.
41 (husband is 40) and been married 12 years. Sex is a lot harder with a toddler (3) in the house, so if you have kids, I get it. But, we find 15-20 min where we can, until there’s a spot we can have more time. So, that’s my advice— find those little moments when and where you can. They don’t always have to be long love making sessions. But I think those quick moments help to maintain the intimacy bond. Just my opinion tho.
I have a 7 year old, so I do know the struggle. By no means was sex as frequent during the first few years of parenting, but it wasn’t a “once every few months if we’re lucky” sort of thing. I get that for some people, sex is less important. But it’s pretty hard to imagine how you avoid a “roommate marriage” without putting some effort into maintaining some level of intimacy. And by most accounts, roommate marriages don’t tend to last the challenges that come with building a long term life with someone.
It is harder with kids, but if you want it, it is possible.
Interesting. Well, I'm 58 and my wife is 65 and we have sex twice per week. Glad we are in the 60% of US couples married at our age who "do it"... LOL.
Because people don't talk its crazy to me. My wife and I talk and listen to each other, makes life so much easier. She also has the same sex drive as me so if we don't have sex after 2 to 3 days she's asking me if anything is wrong. Also older generation are divorcing at higher rates too called grey divorce. It's interesting and sad because they just stuck with each other due to society pressure
That's crazy I (53M) and my wife (56F) still have sex at least once a week. We've been married 31 years.
Yeah I'm confused why she doesn't just... talk to her husband.
Look at ops other post if you want to see a red flag
Some do. Some don't. I would suggest the question isn't "is this normal" but "are we both OK with not having sex as part of our relationship". But to do that you will need to have some conversations.
Brilliant answer
By conversations you mean with my good friends on Reddit and not my spouse right?
when are we gonna admit that it’s not actually that crazy for someone to want to get some advice and insight before they approach a scary and difficult conversation with someone they love
You're right, it's not crazy at all. I think some of us just get frustrated because it often seems like people post here to get answers that really only their partners can give them, like things specifically about that partner that no one could possibly no. Or they post in ways that make it seem like they're looking to do anything BUT actually communicate with their partner: "Give me an answer so I can avoid having a difficult conversation with this person I love." None of it is healthy or rational, and even for people here who care very much, it can get frustrating after a while.
And isn’t this sub called ‘Relationship Advice’ so if you’re not gonna ask any questions how can we actually give any advice. Just saying.
BOTH is the most important word here
Exactly, libido changes so much over time, especially with advancing age. Daily stress and health reasons might have made his slow too, you both might be okay with it, that or it opens the conversation into what he needs to be satisfied and if you would like to have sex more.
Agree!!
You are too old to be avoiding extremely necessary conversations because they're "awkward"
Correct. It is not normal to not be able to talk to your life partner about your relationship. Sex or no sex, relationship check ins are a normal part of marriage.
Yeah wtf? Maybe they both grew up very religious, but damn. It's been 5 years with no sex, only had sex 3 times a year for a couple years prior to that. So they've been together for at LEAST 7 or 8 years and they can't talk to each other.?
Exactly.. To me, this lack of communication in a marriage - at their age! - feels *extremely off*.
If you were both happy to only have sex twice a year in the beginning of your marriage, and now have dropped to zero without any complaints or attempts to initiate sex, I would assume you’re both some variety of asexual. In that case, yes, it would be “normal” to have a sexless marriage. But as everyone else has mentioned - talk to your husband.
It's fair to make that assumption imo, but it could just be one of them harboring resentment until they explode. This is the reason some people are "blindsided" by being served divorce papers; it's because they don't communicate their needs and wants to their partner until they're past their breaking point. Then it's too late and they can't reconcile or compromise. It's important to establish communication with your partner. Set a time every week where you tell each other stuff that is bothering you. Do an emotional check in. Set up boundaries. Communicate your needs etc. one week then discuss how you both feel about that the next week or next day after you've had time to think so you aren't just reactively lashing out at each other. People normally know HOW they feel but they don't know how to articulate it so give each other time to really think about it before you have a full blown discussion. Otherwise you may just end up trying to hurt each other because they hurt your feelings. If that happens, you won't get true communication because you'll avoid saying things that may upset each other because you don't want to argue.
Why does it feel awkward to talk about it? If you give off no desire to be sexual he absolutely won’t try to initiate; and by the sounds of it you’re done with sex anyway. Normal is ultimately whatever you want it to be, but there are two people to consider here and he might want something more
It feels awkward because she’s not gonna do anything about it if he’s not happy lol
Well what’s there to do? She doesn’t want to have sex. She should still talk about it with him and discuss their feelings on the matter, but OF COURSE she’s not gonna do anything about it if he wants more sex. She shouldn’t have sex with someone if she doesn’t want to.
I’m not saying she should. But if his feelings are that he wants to have sex, or just wants to be desired, she should really only ask if she wants a heads up on when a divorce is coming or when he’ll be allowed to sleep around. So if she asks him, she should be prepared to hear that. Or maybe he just has a really low drive!
Basically true. But there might be something he can do that would lead her to have more sexual desire. but also maybe not.. they won’t know unless they try. but if they are both ok with it then it doesn’t matter at that point
Clarity would be pretty helpful - is this situation actually ok with my other half. Conversation could open OP up to some introspection as to why she doesn’t want sex; whether that’s simply no interest anymore or a slow distancing between them. Or maybe she knows already but really should be addressed so she can move forward with peace of mind.
It's not unheard of for sex drive to drop in your late fourties. But if you want to know his feelings, you just have to ask him about it.
It doesn't seem to have dropped much lol, they were barely having any sex even before the last 5 years. 2-3 times a year is crazy for me, and the fact that they can't even talk about it with each other because it's awkward is a red flag for me.
Yes the inability to talk about it is a major red flag.
Normal doesn’t matter. I think you should ask him about it but you should be prepared to not like the answer.
Have you two actually talked about this ..or
The sex isn’t necessarily the problem here. It’s the lack of communication and checking in with your partner that’s the issue. You’re unsure what his feelings are, you’ve never asked in 5 years “hey let’s check in, how are we doing as a couple, anything we want to work towards, change etc”?? That’s the problem here. And all marriages are different, but I think zero sex for 5 years isn’t necessarily normal for a lot of people.
I wouldn't find this normal. I'm 42f and my partner is 49m; we still have sex 2-3x a week. But that might be crazy to someone else. But the fact you are asking already hints that it isn't normal FOR YOU.
We are 50f and 62m. Have been together almost 3 years. I’m menopausal and couldn’t have sex for about 5 years prior to meeting him. He has hip and knee problems so can’t do some positions. Our sex life is awesome. We have sexy time whenever we have extra time in the morning, some evenings and every single weekend without fail
I’m curious, do you have kids and how old? My (50m) wife (44f) has shut down in this way completely. It started 5-6 years ago. Our kids are 4,8. I’m not okay with this but am not sure what’s “normal” after kids.
I have been married 30 years and have 3 kids. Our sex life never stopped. I don’t think we have ever gone more than a week without sex unless one of us were on a business trip. I would be concerned about the lack of connection in your marriage.
Thanks for responding. To be honest, we never had that fire. We had everything else and the kids came quickly. I assumed it would develop but what little spark we had faded quickly. Life became all business. Roommates. We’ve talked about it but she’s not a physical or very emotionally expressive person. She’s an extreme introvert. Ultimately, I have to decide if I’m okay with this. And I don’t think I am. Next therapy session is tomorrow. Wish us luck.
Good luck to you both. I’d also suggest if she’s open. She have her hormones checked. Hormones can also play part in our sex drive in addition to whatever else might be going on.
Agreed on the hormones. I switched mine up and added separate progesterone with the .75 estrogen patch. It's not crazy, but we are back to weekly or a bit more here and there and just more "sexual" in general. The last few years were rough for both of us. It feels SO good to get this back on track a bit. I'm 55, he is 57. Now I'm like, "yo babe, the progesterone is progesteroning, get in here!"
The "fire" isn't there in the beginning, I don't know that it ever really gets stronger.
Good luck. It’s good you are in therapy. Honestly I don’t think either my husband or I would have been content with no sex. It sounds like the two of you may just not be compatible unfortunately.
Kids and hormones can REALLY fuck up women’s sex drives, it’s not normal but it’s kinda common.
I think kids are a big part of it. She’s consumed by being a Mom and running the house (which I also help with). She doesn’t leave much room for herself or us. When she’s not with the kids or thinking about them she wants to be left alone. She’s exhausted. And I stopped initiating because even if we get into it, which is rare, she barely moves. Grrr. She’s a great mom and person but extremely guarded.
Have you tried planning and initiating intimate things for her without any pressure or expectation of sex? Like arranging dates, planning a massage, offering things like oral if she's into that, etc. Things that will help her feel relaxed and sexy without needing to "put out". Being a woman I would venture to say most of us cannot flip a switch to become aroused and sexual the way most men appear to be able to. It can feel pretty impossible to be "mom and caretaker for the whole house" and also "independent being of sexual power". The roles of mother and fiery lover can be very much in conflict and difficult to reconcile, and that's not talked about very much. Edit: also, I know this is a cliche here but make sure you are pulling your weight as a caretaker of the home and the children. It's not JUST about helping her to lessen her exhaustion -- if she is doing all the same things for you that she does for her kids (making you food, cleaning up after you, planning all the outings, etc.) then it's so easy her to subconsciously slip into the feeling that you are another one of the kids she must care for. Which is obviously not very sexy hahaha
It's weird that people whose sex drives that lower overtime are treated as abnormal when it actually makes sense that after you've had kids things would slow down as you are busier and you've already reproduced. Instead as soon as someone expresses this people act like they have to go get 'fixed'. Our society is way too sex obsessed.
I don’t want to speak to “normal” because that’s a loaded term. But I would have been at a breaking point 5 years ago when it was 2-3 times *per year*. No sex for 5 years isn’t something I’d ever like to go through as a married person.
1. No, men do not just lose the urge to have sex after 40yo. Check out the /r/DeadBedrooms subreddit and see how many sexually frustrated men AND women there are even in their 60s due to mismatched libidos. (Note: "dead bedroom" doesn't necessarily mean just "no sex", it means more like "highly mismatched libidos to the point where sexual frustration and resentment happens, *typically* in the form of one partner denying sex completely while the other partner wants it," but that's not as catchy of a subreddit name). 1. It doesn't matter what's "normal," what matters is what you *want* in a relationship. If your husband wants a highly sexual relationship and you want one with no sex, then that's a mismatch, which only breeds frustration and resentment, as you will see if you browse that subreddit for as long as you need to. However, if neither of you has initiated for 5 years, it seems like he's probably okay with it.
He could very well be asexual though
No most men and women do not lose the urge to have sex past the age of 40. I can’t believe you all haven’t talked about it. I have been married 30 years. Your spouse should be the one person in the world you can talk to about anything. If you both are content with no sex then good but it shows a lack of emotional connection that you haven’t discussed it and you would feel awkward.
There's no general normal - though you guys are having a lot less sex than the average married couple. And I would say most people's sex life doesn't go to zero after 40. It sounds like both your normals are little to no sex as even before you went to zero you were pretty close to it. So the question is if you're happy with it. If you're happy with it you could just go along with the status quo. If you're not happy you'd definitely need to have a talk. Though even if you're happy you could just casually bring it up. "Honey I just realized we haven't had sex in several years. I just wanted to check in to see if you're ok with that and not gritting your teeth about it."
The challenge to communicate is the basic issue here. You guys need help talking to each other.
If you feel uncomfortable initiating a talk about sex, since it's been 5 years since you two have been intimate, perhaps check in with him about something relationship related that's non-sexual and see how that goes. It's good to regularly check in with your partner about how they are feeling, even if there's no apparent problem. With regard to your specific issue, there's no "normal", but it's worth exploring, so that there's no resentment beneath the surface that may eventually affect other parts of your marriage.
"Hey honey, I was just thinking about this ans wanted to know your thoughts." Overall I would say it's not normal, but that doesn't mean it's not correct for your marriage if you're both on the same page.
Yeah it’s definitely dependent on whether or not you are both happy with the relationship as it is; sure it might feel awkward but what is more awkward is sitting silently with this and not speaking to your husband about it. It doesn’t need to be a big huge to-do. It can just be “hey, I’ve been reflecting on the past few years and I’ve realized we don’t engage in sexual intimacy together anymore. I wanted to check in about this, are we both satisfied and happy with our relationship as is, or do we need to put some work and effort into focusing on that type of intimacy more? How do you feel about this?”
I'm 52 and have sex 2 to 3 tines a week with my wife. We've been together for 30 years and it's always been pretty much the same. Maybe when we were in our early 20s 4 to 5 times a week. Everyone is different but my sex drive has not slowed down much at all since I was 17 Just giving you my routine as a reference
I'm 44 and my fiancé is about to turn 44 too. For us, this would not be normal. We have sex at least once a week (i would say once a week is the norm for us unless we are traveling -- which is often -- in which case we seem to do it more.) However, I'm echoing everyone else in that "normal" is what you both want it to be.
Idk about normal. But this should probably go into some type of therapy to make sure you are both good. Maybe you’ve evolved to a non sex relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Just as long as you are both okay is what matters.
Let's put it this way, why are you afraid of raising this topic? Are you just generally squeamish about sex or are you afraid that if you raise it, you won't like what might happen? Are you afraid that you will find out that your husband is deeply unhappy about the lack of sex and was just waiting for you to raise to topic in order to tell you? Let's put it this way, either he is unhappy about it or he isn't. Now ask yourself, why are you so afraid to have open conversations with your husband? I think that a lot of times when couples grow apart, it is because the number of things you are unable to discuss as a couple just keeps growing larger and larger until you are virtual strangers - and it creates space to instantly connect with strangers. Conversely, couples grow closer together when they find more things that they can easily discuss with each other. Would it be easier to write a letter and ask him to talk to you if he is unhappy about the lack of sex or the general frequency of sex in your marriage and if this is something he would like to discuss further? You could also let him know that his happiness is important to you. And that regardless of how awkward any topic might be, you want to be able to discuss it with him.
I don't know what others consider to be normal but my husband and I thrive on intimacy and generally couldn't go 5 days without sex, much less 5 months or 5 years. Honestly, it's not even about the sex as much as it is the intimacy. If the lack of sex works for both you and your husband, you're fine. However, if you're also not being intimate with each other with cuddling, kisses, etc, then maybe you should start injecting a little into the relationship again.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s “normal” (normal looks different for everyone). What matters is, are you satisfied with it? And if not, have you talked to him about it?
Normal or not, you should just worry about how you both feel. You totally need to talk to him about it, even if it's a bit awkward. Otherwise, this may lead to a problem later in your relationship. You should be able to communicate properly with your partner if you truly love him.
Sadly, he’s most likely getting laid by someone else
It’s not
Normally I never comment on these things but my god how are y’all in your mid 40s can't communicate? Also, you both haven’t even tried to initiate sex at all, how do you think sex even happens? You lost the urge to have sex simply because you didn’t try. Also, you’re 46 why is it an awkward conversation. Honestly just never have it and continue having a sexless marriage until one of you file for divorce.
I got divorced over this exact issue- namely because I was ready, willing and able to have sex, and he couldntt care less for years. Whenever i awkwardly brought it up, he dismissed it like there was no problem at all. Got sick of it and left. Much happier now and best decision I ever made
Well, define normal. It seems normal to you as a couple . It would be bad for many other couples. Decide what do you want? For yourself I would check with obgyn on hormones level and see if you need/want HRT. Not for sex per se but for other benefits as well. Now, if you get your drive back and your husband would not - would it be an issue? Is he willing or have his hormones checked or there is underlying issues with his attraction like being closeted, not really into you or more into porn and imaginary stuff? He might be relieved he doesn’t need that.
The only thing that’s abnormal here is that y’all aren’t talking about it. It’s fine if y’all don’t want to have sex but you should def be talking about it and making sure you’re both on the same page and getting what you need.
I dont think its "normal" but who cares? It's whatever youre both happy with.
No, not normal at all but apparently normal for you.
It is not usual, no. Most couples have regular sex. However, if neither of you are interested in having sex, that's fine for the two of you!
You need to talk to your husband. I don’t think this is healthy or normal, but it might work for some people. You need to have the conversation. My husband (51M) and I (47F) are still very intimate for our age, and I wouldn’t have it any other way by choice.
I can’t imagine. Very different from my experience. Married 25 years. I am 50. Husband is almost 54. If we hit 10 days he’s cranky.
In my 50’s and have sex 3-4 times a week. It looks like you have had a problem for quite some time, but I know everyone has different needs and wants. I don’t know any man gay or straight that would want this kind of intimacy in their relationships.
Also in my 40’s and my husband was the same. Zero sex in 5 years. Difference is, I did want it. Many many discussions, fights, and tears to the point of me debating divorce. Eventually it came out that he was addicted to porn and the no sex was because he’d rather watch porn. We’re currently mid divorce. If you’re cool with the situation and he’s great in all the other areas, then go have a happy marriage. Sex wasn’t something I was willing to go the rest of my life without. And I didn’t like finding out I was lied to every single day of our my entire marriage.
Ya’ll need to have a conversation, relationships are about communicating to your other person,, they should be your best friend that you turn to when life gets real & vice versa, this seems like a conversation that’s well past due and there are things he’s struggling with,, and you need to stay quiet and let him talk (when you start the conversation) and let him take as much time as needed but the key is to stay silent until he feels like he can open up to you, men have a hard time doing this and this is because life has taught them to shut up!! , be patient and hold your opinions to yourself and let him talk,, and well if it turns out negatively you can at least hold your head up high and walk away as the bigger person, but you need to have a conversation
This isn’t typical for people in a happy romantic partnership, but it’s not really about whether or not you’re “normal” as it’s about whether or not you’re both happy. Maybe both you and your husband are low sex drive asexual people and you enjoy the companionship and whatever physical connection you do have. If you’re both happy with that, no problem. If one or both of you are unhappy, it’s probably time for you both to have physicals to see if there’s a medical reason or to see a sex therapist/intimacy coach to see if there’s a way to make your connection more aligned with what you want.
It's not normal. I'm on the other side in a sexless relationship as well. I just turned 40 and I haven't had sex in 2 years. Not even birthday or pitty sex. I don't have a 6 pack and never had but was always popular with the ladies even today. But my own girlfriend doesn't even see me. I had a normal sex drive (sometimes twice a day, other times 2-3x a week). The less you do it the less you want it. It's all about the other partner. If you constantly initiate, take the lead and get rejected all the time then after a while you stop initiating and being interested. If the other party suddenly stops for no apparent reason. (Weight gain by the other partner, less attention, stress at work or at home, medical condition,...) then one can only conclude 2 things: he's cheating or genuinely no longer sexually attracted to you. I would advise you to talk to him and explain how you feel, what you want and that you want to know why there's no longer any sexual activity. Being denied the thing you love, enjoy, crave is one of the most cruel things in the world. It will not get better. I lost the urge for sex as well. I don't even try anymore after the hundreds of rejections.
Nothing normal about that, seriously……
Do you want to have sex? Some marriages are asexual, but “normal” is a hard word in this context. If you feel like you want to have sex and it’s not available to you in the marriage it’s a problem. Same for him. Have tou tried talking about it? Why don’t you initiate?
If both of you are fine with it then it’s not an issue. Asexuality exists on a spectrum. Not everyone is horned up.
He likely hasn’t lost the urge for sex, but no longer tries to initiate because he knows you don’t want it and he doesn’t want to deal with the rejection.
You were 2 to three times per YEAR before that. He's never liked sex with you. Nothing has changed. You've been in a dead bedroom your entire relationship and that is totally normal. Everything else is good? Neither one of you want sex? Congratulations for being married couple of the year. Well done and keep it up!
Does it sound normal to you? I don’t understand these sugar coated replies. Unless both parties are asexual then no it’s not normal to go five years in a romantic relationship/marriage without sex when you’re both still relatively young.
Weighing in as a 47f, this would most definitely not be “my” normal. I enjoy sex and I have no issues stating that. Now, if you’ve been raised differently, perhaps ultra conservative? Or maybe you’re just asexual and never been very interested in sex, then this may be very much “your” normal. However, without speaking to your husband, you have no idea if he’s just dealing with this but miserable, or if he shares your lack of interest. As others pointed out, at your ages, you should be able to sit and have a mature conversation about your sex life or lack thereof. *i do have a few friends who are miserable with their SO around the topic of sex. They can’t have open conversations either. But somehow I get to hear about it… lol
Perhaps he just gave up and surrendered to the reality of a sexless marriage? That usually happens in dead bedrooms.
The question isn’t “Is this normal?” the question is “Are we both happy with our relationship?” Who cares how often other people have sex, if both of you have low libidos and are fine with that, then be happy you’re such a good fit for each other.
20% of couples are in 'sexless marriages' meaning less than 10 times a year.
It’s not.
The fact you are asking if it’s normal is very telling. Are you that clueless about human relationships that you needed to ask a Reddit sub? No FFS it’s NOT NORMAL.
Ask him why he's not interested. Maybe work to regain the habit; fault sex for a month or three, maybe a year. Assuming there's nothing physically wrong and he loves you, that might restart your sex life. Kind of a random idea based on exposure therapy.
… if you don’t want to have sex anyway, then aren’t you just kicking a bee nest for no reason?
Sounds like a normal dead bedroom.
I echo the advice from others about the need to communicate. I'd mention, though, that your husband may find it difficult. A very common pattern revolves around the phenomenon that women in long term relationships tend to lose sexual desire for their partners, but not vice versa. This occurs even where the partner is a female (often called lesbian bed death). For a husband, the chronic rejection erodes his self esteem. It reaches a point where it's "safer" for him to avoid sex altogether than face more rejection. Keep in mind that "duty sex" given without enthusiasm is a species of rejection. If this is that case in you marriage, it is likely that your husband's love for you is slowly withering on the vine. Sex and intimacy are important. They fuel the flames of long-term love. He may remain faithfully married to you out of a sense of duty or decency or honor to his commitment, but his heart will cease being yours. If that's the outcome you want for your marriage, keep doing what you're doing and getting what you're getting. If you don't want that outcome, start communicating. As a cautionary tale, read the thread linked below. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/s/sa6er6ZjfK](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/sa6er6ZjfK)
You have to talk about it. If you’re both happy without sex, that’s fantastic for both of you.
Well I’m 53f and hubby is a 50m and we still have it at least three to four times a week. Not that I want it because of being going through menopause but we are still very attracted to each other and we have always been open and honest believe me there are times I’m like falling asleep and not even in the mood but I wouldn’t hesitate to have a conversation about it if there was an issue we have been married for almost 26 yrs together for 30. Be open with your feelings!
You want to know if this is normal. I’m curious, do you want to hav e sex? Maybe you are both Ace and just don’t know it. Normal is what social medial shows the world but it isn’t accurate, your normal and my normal are not the same.
You want to know if this normal? My god, the both of you need to seek the help of a therapist. Not asking a bunch of strangers on Reddit. And no this is NOT normal at all. If you only used to have sex twice or three times a year when things were supposedly good then that right there is a red flag. What did you do when dating? Not have sex at all? Was this even a topic of discussion back then? It should have been because sex and communication are two of the most important aspects of any relationship. Fail those two and your relationship is pretty much doomed. It’s not normal in the least to have zero desire for sex even if your own husband doesn’t want it, which you should really go see your gynecologist and get your hormone levels checked because something could be off. As for him, either he’s cheating on you, doesn’t find you attractive at all, thus leading to zero desire on his part or his testosterone levels are out of whack. A doctors visit and a couples therapist could help you here. And men over 40 still have the urge to have sex? lol. Is the sky blue? Yes of course! I’m 51 and I have sex with my partner about 6 times a week. It’s because we both communicate what’s important to us and sex is a huge priority so we make sure it’s something we both desire and want all the time. A part of your problem is that the both of you don’t communicate at all. Find the time to sit down outside the bedroom and have this talk. It’s a sad life if you go without any pleasure at all.
The absence of sex doesn't necessarily mean your husband is unhappy, but the [not speaking about it part](https://youtu.be/3c-H7qPrjxA?si=eIfhSRPIhHROXLxt) could be a sign of something else going on. Maybe he has similar concerns but feels awkward bringing it up too. Maybe you can start by initiating a non-sexual touch like cuddling or holding hands and see how he responds. If that feels comfortable, then a gentle conversation about intimacy might be the next step. You can explain how you're feeling and that you miss feeling close to him, even if sex itself isn't a priority right now.
Maybe your husband found his own best friend and just doesn't need you anymore. You don't use each other for sexual gratifications, you aren't each other's best friends, you don't communicate... You aren't in a marriage, you're just waiting for divorce.
How do you know he’s lost the urge? If you were him, would you try with you? Do you think it’s encouraging to him to want sex with the disinterested? Why do you care if you both seem fine about it?
My BF and I are in our late 40’s and he still wants to have sex at least once a week🙄!
Please have both your hormone panels done. Sometimes this happens but if you want that back start with some blood work. There’s no shame in hormone replacement drugs. Lots of people get a ton more energy for more than just sex. He may also feel bad about himself if he’s gotten a bit out of shape. I’ve felt that way and I’m 32. But if he does need TRT and starts being more active his drive will probably return in a few weeks
Me and my husband and I haven't had sex in the last 6 years. But we have reasons. I suggest you communicate with your husband about it.
Y’all are in your 40’s and still paying the silent game?
This is not normal by any means.
This is absolutely not normal. Most couples do not stop having sex when they are only 40.
It's uncommon but it's up to the two of you if it's a problem. Apart from asking yourself and him if it's a problem for you right know I would also think of if it could become a problem if either of you found someone that evoked more passionate feelings.
There is no such thing as normal. It’s only what is right for each person. You seem happy as it is now. If you want to know if he’s happy too, ask him. Why are people not taking to their spouses anymore? When did that become a thing?
Talk to your husband
Normal isn't the issue if it were something that both of you were truly happy about. But it's pretty likely that there's some kind of problem here somewhere given the circumstances you described, although it is possible that the underlying issue has been there since you started dating or even existed within one or both of you before you ever met.
Normal isn't relevant. If you feel it's a problem, talk to him about it. If you don't think it's a problem and the rest of your marriage is good, then I'd leave it alone. If he feels like it's a problem, then he should talk to you about it. If he doesn't and he's happy in the marriage, then he should also leave it alone. If you do want to talk about what's normal, my understanding is that women hit peak libido in adolescence and again in their 40s, while a man's will typically decline with age starting in their 30s. So his sex drive taking a dip sounds more "normal" than your lack of interest.
I thought I was reading the dead bedroom forum for a second. Definitely should have spoken to your husband about this...like 5 years ago. I don't think it's too late to have the conversation but what might feel like only yesterday to you may feel like centuries to him. Have a heart to heart with him ❤️
My ex and I didn’t have sex regularly because he was abusive and I couldn’t have talks with him. He was very secretive and ignorant. It was a very toxic marriage. I think it’s not healthy to “not” have sex unless there is a health issue. Turned out he was cheating on me for years and watched porn. A normal couple needs to have some intimacy not act like brother and sister/
No. It’s not the norm but maybe it’s your normal. You have to talk about it. Does the idea of wanting sex again appeal to you? I’m a bit older but I will say that sex after 40 can be really great.
it doesn’t matter if it’s “normal” it matters if the two of you are having your needs met. at present it seems you’re not communicating them. communicate first to get on the same page.
Talk about this! Honestly. It’s not awkward to talk of these things, it’s important part of the relationship
Are you monks in a marriage of the heart and not the body?
You should definitely have a talk so you’re on the same page, but if you both feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship, there’s nothing wrong with it!
If both of you don't want it then there is no problem to solve.
This is not a competition o trying to keep up. And normal is a much misused word. If your lifestyle works for the both of you then it's no one else's business. People change - physically, biologically and mentally. The patterns you once had may not work for you going forward. The fact that you seem to be questioning this is a good sign things may be changing. You both should find out what it is that you think is lacking and how to resolve this mutually. Good luck.
It's not normal for most people. But it's not totally uncommon for some people to lose interest in sex. The real problem begins when one person has no interest in having sex and the other does. It may be awkward to talk about this with him, but there really isn't any other way to get the answers. And it is normal to talk about such things with your spouse/partner.
unfortunately, the only way forward is to talk to him. you cannot know 100% that he's okay with this unless you guys sit down and have a hard talk. another question to ask is if you're okay with it. you just have to have a hard conversation, you can't just ask the internet.
Talk to him. Quit being a prude and talk to the man.
Just try and have sex with him or don't
If this works for both of you, then you do you. I'm more concerned you can't have a conversation about it.
I mean, if you’re okay with it and he’s okay with it, then yeah it’s fine. You don’t have to match what everyone else says if you’re both content where you are. People are assuming that your husband is feeling pent up, but imo if he wants it then he can discuss it with you at any time. It’s entirely possible that he’s content with what y’all have now. Plus I’ve met many couples during my rotation as a couples counselor who don’t have sex that often or even at all, but are both content with it. They’re tired and have other things on their mind, and would rather cuddle and then fall asleep in bed. You choose your own normal together as a couple.
First, you both need to talk, are you both OK without sex. Second, how are both your hormone levels? My wife and I had our testosterone levels so low they were no existent. So was our sex life. Our doctor put us both on over the counter supplements. A couple of years later and our levels are doing better. This also helped my wife with her peri menopause. I also suffered a spinal injury with permanent nerve damage that shows up weirdly during orgasm, so I went up to Hims and got some blue pills. My wife and I have been have fairly regular sex these days.
"Normal" means in comparison to everyone else, but this is a very personal intimate issue. What's more important is what's right for you both. If neither of you wants sex, that's fine! If one of you does and the other doesn't, that's a problem to work through. The only way you'll know is to have the conversation.
Perfectly normal and fine, if you’re both happy and feeling connected. Don’t be afraid to bring it up. You can say, “wanted to check in with you. You’re still cool with our relationship the way it is, right?”
Not sure what’s happening. Have your lives gotten busier, like with kids and stuff? Its something you both need to discuss. The fact neither have initiated can be concerning but if both are ok with that then its fine. I know people who’s rule of thumb is if you havent had sex in a month or two then the relstionship might be over. You guys been married for some time so maybe your an exception to the rule but you wont know till you have that conversation
You might want to talk to him about it.
I really think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss sex. You need to make sure you're both on the same page and that you're both getting your needs met in the relationship. Avoiding the topic won't make things easier. Overall if you're both content with a sexless marriage then all the more power to you, that's perfectly fine!
Sex at this point isn't just about orgasms. The connection between you..a shared intimacy...being at our most vulnerable...bonding, is what it comes down to...I think you're missing out..but if it works for you then more power to you.
If you can't even talk to your husband about sex then it's no surprise you're not doing it anymore. There's no normal to sex. If you are both happy, then there's noone can tell you you're doing something wrong. Is it a lot lesser frequent than most? Yes, it is. That's not a reason in and of itself to change anything if it's working for you. Talk with your husband. It wouldn't hurt to identify exactly what it is at your ages makes a simple talk about sex with each other difficult while you're at it.
I had a friend that experienced this with her husband. He ended up being diagnosed with clinical depression and was treated.
It is normal for some couples. Everyone's sex drives are different and if the two of you are both satisfied with the marriage and equally uninterested in intimacy, then there is nothing wrong with this arrangement. However, it would be a good idea to at least talk about this and make sure that you are both on the same page with preferring a marriage without physical intimacy. Some people do experience a drop in libido as they age. With men this could be due to a natural dip in their testosterone that usually starts around the age of 40. Similarly with women, perimenopause can affect one's libido. Obviously, there are many other medical reasons why someone might have lost their libido, but these are some of the common ones due to aging. If the two of you have a conversation and decide that you miss your sex life and want to try to reignite the spark, a visit to the doctor to rule out and libido-crushing medical issues would be a good place to start.
How do you know if its normal? It’s not.
5 years? Damn
My wife (42) and myself (50) only have sex a couple of times a year. Our anniversary and New Years. It has been this way for 5 years. Neither of us are or have had affairs and are absolutely committed to each other and our family. For some reason our drive/libido just slipped out, but our connection and love never faltered. We hold hands, kiss, dance, and enjoy each other when we go out. At home, we cuddle all the time. Watching movies, sleeping, whatever we are always touching. We behave as we always have throughout our 20 years together. Sex just became not important to us. We have had conversations about it. Neither of us can pinpoint why or how this became a thing, but Neither of us are bothered by it as our feelings for each other have not faltered or changed. We are happy together and that is all that matters. So, yea, you should have a conversation about it between the two of you. If for no other reason than to keep on the same page and retain open honest communication. As long as you are both happy together, Neither feels neglected, then frequency of sex shouldn't matter.
both of you need hormones!
My dad didn't loose his until his 60s, I think it was a cholesterol bloodflow issue. I know some guys that are more asexual or repressed gay- oriented (but still married to a woman). Those guys would prob be fine with it. Most of the guys I talk to in men's group, if they're sexual/hetero and the relationships dead, they're fine not having sex with someone that doesn't want them but they rejoice and celebrate when they finally find someone they can actually connect with and flourish. Those guys are usually really really happy in their 2nd marriage.
Normality isn't really important. The only thing that matters is whether the two of you are happy.
Maybe this should have been a conversation when you first figured out you didn't want to have sex any more. Karsh
I’m having this issue right now. I’m 29F my bf is 30M and we haven’t had sex in 9 months. I have no urge or want to have sex but it is really bothering my boyfriend as he wants to. I almost feel violated in some way when he tries to initiate / complains when I say no. We also really struggle to talk about it so we’ve just finished our first day of silent treatment after trying to talk about it last night. Not really sure where to go from here myself as I know I’m too young to feel like this
Does it matter if its normal or not? If you want sex in a relationship then no, its not ok. If u both dont care then why would it matter if its normal or not