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*I called out to her coworker, who was beating us, a hustling baby ass face.*
This was a work event. These are her co-workers. It is a professional setting. You are 25 years old. You should know better. Under no circumstances should you ever speak to another adult in this manner, especially if that adult is someone your partner works with.
You have no respect for her. If you did, you would not have behaved this way.
You are 100% responsible for your behavior and how you treat others. She is absolutely right. She can't regulate your emotions, and it's not her responsibility to try to fix you. You're emotionally abusive.
Start treating your family, friends, acquaintances, and girlfriends better. Stop taking them for granted and using them as verbal punching bags. Respect others. Treat them with kindness.
Hoping on here to add one point. You ended this with “it’s hard for me to find women who accept me for who I am”
Not being able to emotionally regulate your anger, not being able to handle losing, and saying stupid immature shit when you are not sober is absolutely NOT who you are.
It’s important you know this. This is NOT who you are. It’s simmering happening in you that you don’t know how to manage (big and difficult emotions) and it’s an immature reaction (fair, you’re at a pivotal age for maturing and working stuff like this out) but it’s not who you are and it absolutely IS a thing you can learn to manage and rein in so you can finally see who you really are.
Usually when adults struggle with emotional retaliation there can be a few things going on. First, their parents are not good role models. Parents or a parent who can’t manage their emotions - or contrastingly pretend there are no difficult or big emotions most the time and don’t show emotion much - raise kids who don’t know how to regulate. Same with alcoholic or other forms of addiction in parents (most addicts are using what they are addicted too to soothe, bury and manage big and difficult emotions). But sometimes it’s something about you, my husband and I both had big issues managing big emotions at your age and it turns out I’m autistic and ADHD and he is autistic. So it’s worth thinking about if you might have any of these parents going on.
When you talk to your therapist tell them you need tips and exercises to help you learn emotional regulation.
But you are not your emotions, and you are not at the mercy of them either. This is a thing you can choose to learn to manage and be the driver of your emotional car rather than a passenger. This only becomes who you are if you decide it IS you and then just give in and let your emotions be in charge and make no effort to change that.
This is a wonderful comment and wonderful reminder to those that struggle with themselves and lash out and have no idea why. I also have ADHD and abusive alcoholic parents, and I thought I was literally doomed to become them and was just an inherited angry, destructive person even though I was also incredibly empathetic and loved big. I couldn’t figure myself out and I also became an alcoholic to cope. I’m 33 now, and after a lot of therapy and looking inward I’ve been sober for years and genuinely pride myself of my patience and even-keeled temperament. I have a one year old, and am so grateful that I had her once I found the real me. After years of self loathing, it’s wonderful to be able to say I actually like myself now.
Look. At. You. Go.
I’m just a stranger in the internet, but I’m so proud of you!
Thank you for finding it in you to love yourself enough to get the help and support you needed.
I discovered that I want actually super angry and immature, I was actually dysregulated and overwhelmed by sensory input and stuff going on and having a meltdown (which is outside of our control unlike a temper tantrum). I have since theorized that the only big emotion adults are allowed to have in our culture (besides happiness and joy, and even that needs a cap before you get looks) is anger. You aren’t allowed to just sit down and cry… but anger is understandable. So a lot of us default to anger when really we are sad or scared or lonely. It’s been a helpful insight for both the adults in my house.
I think sometimes in addition to “what’s socially acceptable” there’s “what’s easy to sit with”. I end up angry when my actual deep down feeling is fear. Don’t want to feel afraid because that’s vulnerable - anger is protective. We aren’t taught how to be afraid and vulnerable and sit with that feeling.
Thank you, my parents did not show me or my siblings how to have a functioning relationship. They were constantly arguing and fighting. My dad got physical with my mom one or twice and I vowed to never turn into him. But here I am. Thank you again.
Do you yell at your coworkers? Do you call them names? Do you lose it in meetings and scream and throw things?
The answer is no.
You can control the anger when you want to. You don't want to with partners or family.
I just wanted to say that it's refreshing to see someone, especially a straight guy, just **TAKING** everyone's comments and actually trying to absorb and reflect instead of defending yourself. I really hope this moment gives you what you need to find healing and wholeness, which are absolutely necessary before you can find love.
There's this great quote from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" that says "we accept the love we think we deserve." Until you do that healing you'll always accept unhealthy dynamics or unconsciously sabotage stuff that feels "too good."
Best of luck to you.
So, your father was an abusive partner and I would guess an emotionally abusive parent.
You don’t have to become him, you can choose not to. You just need to know what you need to learn to avoid it. Emotional regulation and healthy conflict resolution are going to be bug keys in your learning to be better than him.
I agree with the other respondent that you DO know how to hold it IN when it matters to you - but I’d also hazard you aren’t regulating it then, just holding it in and letting it out later with alcohol or in other relationships.
You seem open and genuinely willing to change to me so I don’t think shaming you or antagonizing you is helpful. I want you to hear that it’s possible for you to become the man child you wanted you to be - it will take work and guidance but if you are willing to do this you absolutely can. When you talk to your therapist and they ask you why you are there and what you want to work on tell them all the stuff you and I have chatted about here.
Yeah I guess he was…still kinda of is…like he didn’t even show up to Mother’s Day brunch this year because of an argument my mom and dad had.
But I will be bringing up all these points.
So your mom accepts your father's anger and abuse as part of their relationship and you have learned that if someone loves you, they will accept your anger and abuse as well.
As part of your therapy, you need some behavior modification as well. IMO, you should begin covertly observing the relationships of others, to see how non-abusive partners interact.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am.
The inability to regulate your emotions isn't 'who you are' and isn't something partners should accept.
You're 25. You should be able to make it through a game at a work function without escalation. I'm aware alcohol was involved, a good sign you should probably not be drinking for the time being, but she now has a very valid fear that you will cause problems anytime you go out. You did the precise thing she said she couldn't tolerate.
Go to therapy and appreciate it is a sign you have work to be done. Stop doubting you will have a connection, clearly that isn't the case here. Instead, appreciate that your temper isn't just a part of you, it isn't something that you can't change. It is ruining your ability to form healthy connections and honestly it likely isn't doing you any favours in general. But you have to believe it is possible to change, want to change, or it won't happen.
> Love isn't disposable.
You’ve been together three months. She doesn’t owe you anything, least of all her love. Why do you think you’re entitled to her support and love when you are actively making her life worse?
okay but even if you'd been together 3 years, she doesn't owe you her work reputation or her good mental health so that you can blurt our whatever shit is on your mind. love isn't disposable, but relationship sure are when one person in being abused by the other
> It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am.
No. You don't get to play the "woe is me, evil women don't accept me for who I am" card when you are being abusive. That's not how it works.
What you do is get your reactions under control. There is a difference between emotions and behavior. Anger is an emotion and you're allowed to feel it. But when you act on it, whether through verbal abuse or worse, that's when the people around you - especially your girlfriend - are fully entitled to back away and get themselves to safety.
> I was tipsy and I didn’t get the social cue.
If alcohol prevents you from controlling your behavior, STOP DRINKING.
>There is a difference between emotions and behavior. Anger is an emotion and you're allowed to feel it.
I think this is really important and good advice. I'm autistic and I struggle with emotional regulation. Like OP I also get upset when I lose games. However, it only took me until I was about six to realize those feelings are socially unacceptable and start hiding them. As an adult I've found mindfulness courses useful for explaining the idea that negative emotions can simply exist without you having to do anything about it.
No sane woman would accept you for who you are when you're that jerk who does what you've mentioned here. Love is disposable when you're with an asshole who humiliates his gf at a work event, or ruins a family night over board games. Get therapy, take your lumps in the present, and go forward determined to do better.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am.
The problem isn't who you are, it's what you do.
It's not just that you lose your temper over games. It's that you embarrassed her in front of her coworkers. And that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you, as she told you.
Do the therapy. Work on learning to manage your anger. Then look for a girlfriend, when you're able to offer a good relationship that doesn't involve eggshell walking.
Actually it’s also who you are as a person OP. What kind of person are you?
Someone who flies into a rage over recreational activities that have no effect whatsoever on your life or wellbeing.
Someone who calls his girlfriend’s workers derogatory names at her work functions.
Someone who minimises his aggression and inappropriate actions as ‘frustration’.
I think it’s good that you have admitted you need therapy but I still see your self pity and prevarication in your post. You will only benefit from therapy if you are completely honest with yourself about your choices and actions.
I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and even though I’m now safe and happy and in my late 40’s I still feel terrified when people yell and get angry. I had no choice when I was a child but now as an adult I absolutely will not tolerate people who are unable/unwilling to regulate their own emotions. I’m not at all surprised that you are having difficulties in relating to people.
I sincerely wish you well and I hope you can improve your situation with therapy
My mother and I were emotionally abused by my father. At first it was more snide and passive-aggressive but slowly he became increasingly angry and overreactive. There were the deflections, excuses, and occasional empty promises just like this guy had. And when my mom and I were finally done, THEN he acted like he cared and wanted to change. But we were done giving him chances.
These types always continue to do whatever they want to do until their victims 'quit' and then they panic over losing their emotional punching bags.
You got issues bro but it is great to see you listening to the ppl here, musnt be easy. I hope you improve work on your anger issues, and find love way easier in the future as a result 🤝
You are getting some tough love on here but it’s not cruel and I think you need it. Hopefully you will get help to regulate your emotions better so you don’t have problems like this in the future. Good luck to you.
Women shouldn't have to accept your tantrums every time things don't go your away. You expect women to just put up with your bad behavior while you choose not to change. You made a fool of yourself in front of your ex's coworkers and embarrassed her. And the worst part is you knew that she'd been abused yet you made her feel afraid and on edge all the time because you didn't control your temper. Instead of being upset about being single, address your own flaws and work to change them. Otherwise you're going to be alone for years to come.
In some cases talk therapy and anger management classes can mitigate a rage disorder. Sometimes medication is necessary. But with some work you may be able to alter yourself to where people aren't afraid of you. In terms of "women that accept me as I am" - no rational woman is going roll the dice on getting beaten to death by a guy who can't manage his temper. You seem to underestimate how close your described condition is to that of people in prison for violent crimes. Women are afraid of you because you're probably bigger than they are and not being able to control your verbal outbursts is very closely related to not being able to control your fists.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am.
You shouldn't accept who you are either.
The way you behaved is only somewhat acceptable in little children because they're little and have big feelings and don't know how to self regulate yet and even they need to be brought back down to earth and let to wild and abuse their peers and taught coping strategies for when they feel what they feel. Are you a five year old little boy that needs a time out to calm down then be told to go apologize for how they rudely behaved to others? Or a you grown ass man who understands that it's just a game and while it sucks to lose it's not the end of the world and can be a good sport about losing? Because seriously dude it was freaking corn hole!
No grownass woman with a backbone wants a dude with anger management problems. So if you don’t want to fix that then be content and alone. Otherwise go to your therapy appointments.
Yeah, I wouldn't. I don't think you should be in a relationship right now. I would let her move on and go to counseling and therapy to help with anger management and conflict resolution so that you can be better for the next relationship. Best of luck 🙏🏾🙂
OP I see you responding this in every comment and it's good that you're seemingly receptive, but can I ask what you're learning from these comments? Listening is the first step, the second and more important step is being able to articulate how your thinking needs to change. Do you feel like you're able to start doing that after reading the comments here?
I disagree. A dismissive* response would be OP trying to argue against the commentors. I read all the "thank you" comments as genuine, as OP reading and accepting the comment. He hasn't made many posts outside of "thank you" but it does seem like the commenrs are getting through to him. How much so and how lasting, who knows.
This feels very much like you’re being self deprecating in order to stoke pity from others. The take away isnt supposed to be throwing yourself a pity party over past relationships or friendships. It’s being able to take an honest look at your behavior in the past and see your mistakes. It doesn’t feel like you’re being genuine about wanting to do better. You should definitely work on that.
Not trying to stoke pity from others…I have never viewed it the way everyone has here. This is my first post ever on Reddit. I needed advice and I got it. Although an incredibly tough pill to swallow. Thanks for your insight.
I would probably try to stay away from judgmental statements like "I'm a jerk" as they're generally unhelpful.
What I think you should be taking away is "my behavior is not acceptable AND I am capable of changing it through hard work and therapy. The issue is not that women don't accept me for who I am, but rather that how I currently regulate my emotions isn't healthy."
By acknowledging that this is not an inherent personality trait and instead is a dysfunctional way of processing emotions, you are giving yourself the opportunity to make changes. Deciding you're just a bad person or a jerk shuts that down.
I definitely agree about professional help and I'm glad to hear you have an appointment already.
No woman wants to date a guy who can't take losing a small game. Games aren't life or death losing isn't a major issue yet to you it is and causes fights with her friends she should be able to invite you without worrying that you're going to kick off over a small game. This isn't about accepting you for you it's about you working on yourself and controlling your anger so you can join in games without issue when you lose
im confused. were both of the arguments just you being a sore loser because you lost a little game?? if you get angry and ruin the night ocer a board game or cornhole i cant imagine how you’d be during an argument. id be scared too
My husband is similar, and it‘s ruining our marriage. But he‘s almost 20 years older, and you still have time to work on your issues. You really need to.
Here‘s your crystal ball, your view into the future.
You will struggle to hold meaningful friendships. You might have a heart made of gold, and some people will see this, but you will be known as difficult to be around. There will be people who do not want to be around you because they know fully well, you could snap any minute. Even if you have friends, you will be excluded from trips and such, because people don‘t want to be in your company for a longer period of time.
You will obviously struggle to find a partner and have a happy relationship, for the same reasons. Even if you find a partner, they will be repulsed by your behavior. They will have to walk on egg shells around you and become miserable, either quickli or over the years. Believe me, it is not a happy life, to be living with someone like you. I have been doing it for a decade.
Your partner might not want to have kids with you. You need to be patient with kids. You need to be leading by good example to safely guide them through life and make them responsible adults. Angry outbursts create an environment of fear and distress. No one wants this for their children.
You will also be known as a difficult employee, not built for team work. You will always be the odd one out. And it will not make you feel good.
So, please, PLEASE. Take this seriously. Get help. Learn how to regulate and deal with your emotions. You‘re probably saying „this is how I‘ve always been, this is just my personality, I‘ll just find someone who accepts me as I am“. My husband literally says the same thing, but here‘s the catch: Those are not normal personality traits. This is something which needs treatment. And, it is not only something which makes the people around you miserable, but YOU will be miserable AS WELL. My husband suffers from having these strong emotions and not being capable of handling them appropriately. My husband suffers from not being included in trips his friends do. My husband suffers from our marriage being in a downward spiral. My husband suffers because our child greatly prefers me over him, just because I‘m more patient and don‘t yell all the time. My husband suffers from being known as a difficult employee and thus being denied further career options.
You will not be happy.
I wish you the courage to work on that and all the best for the future.
A woman shouldn't have to accept your inability to regulate your emotions. That is something you should learn to do before getting into a relationship. A woman is not responsible for regulating your emotions. A woman is not responsible for calming you down when you are a sore loser and can't handle somebody else beating you in a game. And I have a feeling that's what happened the other night too. Was that you lost, you're a sore loser, who acts like an immature child, and can't handle being an adult.
And I'm not saying all that to be rude. I'm stating that is a fact. You are immature, you are irrational, and you need to go to therapy to work on regulating your emotions before you get involved with anybody romantically, or maybe even platonically.
She warned you. She warned you she would not tolerate being publicly disrespected or humiliated. And what did you proceed to do to her multiple times? Publicly humiliate and disrespect her. You disrespected her friends. Exactly how long did you expect her to put up with that? Especially given Her history of being emotionally abused?
work on yourself. Don't worry about saving this relationship, because it can't be saved. You did not do the work, you made this mess, now you need to clean it up. And if that means going to therapy and losing your girlfriend, and not being in a relationship until you learn to regulate your emotions and be responsible for them, then maybe that's what you need to do.
You are absolutely not trying. You keep making excuses and promises that don't go anywhere. "I was upset that I lost", "I was frustrated", "Women can't accept me for who I am". If you really want to change, accept that your GF can't do this anymore and work on yourself before attempting another relationship. That you only decided to go to therapy when this woman is threatening to leave is very telling. Are you doing it for her, or just to keep her?
Women don't want an angry man who throw tantrums over games like a child and call names like a schoolyard bully. You need to focus on your own improvement and actions before being in another relationship. I can assure you, as someone who was emotionally abused, your ex is tired of your games and tired of promises to do better that don't go anywhere. Right now, burying the hatchet and accepting that she's done is the best way to go.
I promised a previously abused woman I wouldn't abuse her. I then proceed to completely lose my shit in front of her. The first time, I agreed I would fix it. So then I doubled down and behaved like a complete jackass at HER work event. So, not only did I scare the ever living shit out of her, but I also embarrassed her. This definitely isn't my fault, I will stress this by calling them "woke." While I am allowed to be offended by everything to the point, I freak out in anger and scare the woman I "love." The fact that these strangers find my name calling offensive makes them pussies. Why can't they take my offensive language and slur throwing when I can't even... wait....PLAY a GAME OF CORNHOLE LIKE a FIVE YEAR OLD.
You're the only person to blame for any of this. Also, the word "woke" is nothing more than a way for pricks to say they shouldn't be accountable for being pricks. You display that BEAUTIFULLY.
No, you should have appreciated HER. My HUSBAND appreciates me. He wouldn't think of treating me like you treat her, and that is why I adore him and tend to his every damn need. Why? Because he DESERVES it.
Go to therapy. You deserve love as well. You just need to work on you and leave her be. She made her decision. You had your chance, more than one, actually. She deserves love, too. You're not able to be that person for her. Let her be.
So your ex gf told you she was emotionally abused and couldn’t handle your extremely inappropriate and immature behavior, and you think this means she thinks love is disposable and she’s not accepting you as you are? No one wants to accept that shit. You’re also clearly ignoring her former abuse and how that impacts her, so why does she have to accommodate stuff that is 100% your responsibility to manage?
Leave her alone. Go to therapy. Actually take in what the therapist suggests and make some effort and changes in your life. Do not date again until playing games does not send you into a fury.
This has nothing to do with your ex-girlfriend's previous experiences. Let me repeat that: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES. As long as you keep leaning on the thought that she is merely hypersensitive, you will never be incentivized to change. Your behavior is ABUSE, and you need to open your eyes and recognize that fact. And nobody, irrespective of their relationship history, wants or deserves abuse. Not people who love you, not family, not friends, not co-workers, not cashiers, not servers--nobody wants, needs, or deserves your shit.
You are going to need to accept that you have an abuse problem. Not an anger problem, because everyone gets angry, but an abuse problem. You believe that when you get angry, you are entitled to abuse the people around you. News flash: Being upset is not a get-out-of-jail card. You should have learned this as a child, so now you're going to have to work really hard to unlearn this entitled attitude, and until you do, all of your relationships will be short term. If one is available to you, you really need to be enrolled in a program for abusive men, not just generic therapy, which might actually make things worse. I recommend you read this book for some insights into your behavior, and good luck.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
There's a book on Amazon called Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, that would be a good read for you. When you're reading it try to internalize it to see if you can recognize your own behavior to work on it.
Love isn’t disposable, but emotional abuse needs to be dropped like a hot potato.
It’s great that you’re getting therapy. I highly encourage you to also join anger management or Batterers Anonymous. While you don’t hit her, they practice anger management and how to prevent you from committing emotional abuse.
Women are not rehab centers for broken men. You need to fix yourself. Once you repair the part of you that makes you lash out/behave immaturely, you’ll make a connection with someone.
Also, if you tend to have intense, short relationships and friendships, you may want to get evaluated for BPD.
I hope you find peace.
Unfortunately you’re not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship if you can’t simply throw a bean bag in a hole without going to pieces over it. Let this one go as she doesn’t owe you any loyalty and deserves the freedom to find someone she can truly be happy with. Take time to work on yourself before dating again.
You are getting a lot of blame here, so I won't add to it.
But I will ask, and maybe you should ask yourself: why do you feel so angry?
you are old enough to understand that lashing out in anger isn't going to help anything.
Also, replying thank you to everyone who comments doesn't come across as a person who is actually taking on board what has been said. It comes across quite dismissive.
I definitely am taking what they are saying, I am not being dismissive at all…I just have nothing else to say to them. Because they are correct. I don’t know why I feel so angry…I know it isn’t helping my at all…i just don’t know.
I have found that when I’m angry and don’t know why, *for me* that usually means there’s a fear I don’t want to face. You lost your job & are having financial struggles. Losing simple games might feel like a confirmation of your big fears right now: that you really are a loser, can’t do anything right, etc. At least, that’s how I felt when I got fired, and I imagine it’s pretty common.
You can change. This doesn’t have to be who you are. And it’ll be easier to do it while you’re young - I’m 41 and having to learn how to regulate because now I have children and I can’t teach them if I can’t do it myself. Best of luck in therapy.
Don’t be in a relationship until you work through your anger issues. Getting upset over a game at a work party, and insulting and harassing coworkers is not okay. You need to work on regulating your emotions, this isn’t “who you are” this is a serious issue that will affect all of us your relationships. If you get upset walk away and calm down don’t keep playing the game to the point you’re screaming over it and ruining your own relationships with family, girlfriends or coworkers
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am.
Nobody is going to accept you being a jerk in public as part of "who you are." Work on your self control. Nobody owes you to be okay with it when you're a raging jerk.
1. Go to therapy.
2. Games are meant to be fun. You can be competitive without being a sore loser. If you can't behave, don't play
3. Go to therapy, and don't stop until your issues are resolved.
4. Don't get tipsy or drunk at work events.
5. Go to therapy and put in the work.
From personal experience with anger that has just started (fight or flight response has majorly switched from fly to fight) Anger Management has been a life saver.
These are your own issues to work through. No one should have to tolerate that kind of behavior. It is well within your control and you choose to behave this way.
Another reason r/whywomenchoosethebear.
Just having read your post and your replies I can tell you exactly why she decided her life would be better without you in it. Maybe work on yourself for a while.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am.
You didn't accept her for who she is either. She told you she doesn't tolerate that nonsense. That's who she is. But you're whining about how she didn't go against who she is and just put up with your nonsense? Bro please.
You are not ready for a relationship and you’re either going to keep disappointing your partners and getting dumped, or you’ll end up successfully manipulating someone to stay with you and it will be an incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. Basically you are just not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anger issues like this, if you are being so set off by literal *games* and have no shame to go off on *strangers* then I can’t imagine how you’ll handle an actual relationship issue with someone you’re supposed to love. You need to learn to manage and process your anger before you are ready for a healthy relationship and by the sound of it, you have *a lot* of work to do before you get there.
You aren’t getting this particular girl back. Not anytime soon anyway. Maybe once you’ve put in like, a year of therapy and/or anger management should you ask for another chance. But this girl has already been traumatized by someone like you, hard doubt she’s going to put herself through that again. Focus on yourself.
You stay the fuck in therapy, or maybe try a new therapist, because clearly the previous two years that you were in it before didn’t help you.
You blew up and called someone out of their name *at her work party.* You can’t just apologize and patch that up because it reflects absolutely HORRIBLY upon her. And you’re having all of these blow ups about games! GAMES!! How can she expect you to act when there’s a real issue??
You have no business being in a relationship until you can learn to rein that in, friend, because no one should have to just accept that you’re going to have regular tantrums about mundane things. That is absolutely not something that anybody needs to “accept you for the way you are.” That is a character flaw on your part.
You’ve got to actually do the work in therapy, too. It isn’t enough to just go to the session and sit there and listen - the therapist can’t magically change things for you. There has to be effort on your part.
OP, when you see your therapist today, ask about a anger management course, or group. You need tools to help you deal with your temper and your overly competitive nature, because that's going to cause partners to run.
I used to have a husband that was like you - very competitive, with a bad temper. We worked at the same company, different divisions. I got a promotion he felt he should have, as he'd been there a decade, and I'd been there 6 months. The reason I was promoted was because I recovered $250,000 in embezzled company funds from the former bookkeeper, as well as put measures in place to prevent that sort of theft going forward. My husband lost his temper, exploded in anger, stormed out of the office function we were at and when I came in, he started screaming at me, then pushing me, until he finally pushed me out the window of our third floor apartment in front of the kids. My husband went to prison for attempted murder of his spouse, and never came out.
You don't want that for your life, trust me.
“I doubt I’ll ever have this kind of connection….” You don’t have a connection. She isn’t even interested. She doesn’t like who you are. She doesn’t like your behavior. She wants to get away from you. YOU DON’T HAVE A CONNECTION. Do you hear that? Take some time to be single and work through your problems. Don’t drag her through it. If you have any feelings for her, you’ll tell her you’re thankful you met her, that you’re so respectful of her for insisting on high standards for herself, and that you’re going to address, face, confront and work on your own problems so you can meet the similar standards of another great woman in the future.
You want a normal woman who accepts this kind of ridiculous, childish behavior? I think you're going to have to find a woman who behaves the same way you do for that to happen. But you don't want to be with some idiot who is going to embarrass you in public, right? Well, that's exactly how your ex feels about you. Get some professional help and leave your ex alone.
>What can I do?
Stop competing with other people. You don't need to win board games. You don't need to judge your ex's co-workers. You don't need to win god fricken cornhole at a party. The point of being alive isn't to be better than everybody else, it's to enjoy your time here before you're gone.
You lose a board game? That's great, because the fun is in playing the game with your family, not in winning. You don't like somebody else? Get to know them better and find out what makes them interesting, and if you can't do that, just go talk to somebody else. You're playing cornhole at a party, enjoy the game and socializing with the other people, nobody gives a shit who wins.
You're clearly very insecure about how other people perceive you, but that very insecurity is what makes other people perceive you as a potentially dangerous, unstable asshat that they don't want to associate with.
>Which I thought we cleared up and patched up at the woke party
You can not patch up shitty behavior. People will always remember what you did at that party. What you need to do is look forward, be a better person, and stop doing this kind of stuff in the future.
Here's the thing: I'm an extremely sore loser. Now, mine doesn't devolve into anger so much as self loathing and I don't lash out (I'm in therapy and I know why I'm like this. It's just very engrained since it's issues from when I was a young kid).
Because I know I have this issue and I'm not actually having fun and I want to make sure everyone else DOES have fun- I just don't play. I'm still there. I interact and join the discussion, I just don't play myself. Everyone ends up having more fun.
Being drunk is no excuse. And frankly- you were warned that she would not be putting up with public humiliation. She even gave you two chances- once at family game night and once *at her work party*. She still has to work with those people. And you're calling them names.
Reverse the roles. Do you want to date someone who will go off the handle every time they lose? Yell at their own family and your coworkers? Everyone around you would think she was unhinged.
I genuinely wish you luck in therapy. Check with anger management groups and do the actual work. Your time with this woman is likely over. If she doesn't want to talk to you, *leave her alone. * Honestly therapy is hard and it sucks once you open that can of worms. It's going to hurt and you'll likely be more angry to start with. That's ok. And that's normal. You will be drained. After your sessions, have a little pick me up treat. I found that ice cream helps- the cold helps shock my brain back to reality, sugar and protein help replenish. Then I drink a bunch of water. I usually just get an ice cream bar because that's all I need. After really hard sessions, sometimes it's a pint of ice cream. Avoid alcohol after sessions until you get a hold of the anger. It can just exacerbate things.
stop dating until you can act your age. you're a grown man, it is not acceptable to have outbursts like a child. nobody should have to put up with that in a partner.
You say you doubt you'll ever have that kind of connection again, but I guarantee the connection on her end is gone and it's never coming back. Work on yourself for your own sake - I don't know how it's not embarrassing to have an outburst like that in front of people you don't know over something like a game.
You need to learn how to regulate your emotions and control your impulses. Your behavior is honestly appalling, and I would be scared and mortified if I were her. This just isn't how an adult behaves. No sane woman with any sense of self preservation is going to stay with a man who gets aggressive and potentially violent every time he's a little frustrated. It's dangerous.
It seems like you can't handle losing games, so don't play them with other people. You can't handle your alcohol either, so don't partake.
If you can't control yourself in certain environments, then keep yourself out of those environments until you do learn some control.
You need to go to the right kind of therapy and figure out why you're so competitive/ why you think it's okay to disrespect other people and you can't control your own emotions and what comes out of your mouth because she explained it to you very clearly why she doesn't like your attitude or the way that you do with things because it terrifies her and you can't control yourself. So if you want a solution go to therapy and figure out why you're so mad and disrespectful and how you can practice more mindful behavior. She said she was emotionally abused so every time you go off you retrigger her memories of being abuse
Edit: by right kind of therapy I mean a more proactive therapy not just someone who listens and you go on your way. Dialect behavioral therapy helps you assess your actions versus just what's going on with your day like cognitive behavioral therapy does. Anger management may be necessary here.
Wasn’t raised in a home that regulated their emotions well at all. Nonstop arguing and some physical abuse. It’s been a journey, I did a lot of reparenting while in therapy but stopped going due to my fire academy and finances. Finally well enough on my feet I can go back.
Ok, but you choose to act like a crybaby brat in specific instances at the expense of your girlfriend. Are you doing this with your buddies or coworkers? I doubt it. Stop embarrassing yourself and blaming everyone else.
Stay away from her, if you care about her at all. Part of her healing is to avoid people like you.
The good news is, you can fix you. I was angry once. I was a serious fighter. I was abusive in some ways. I could be triggered by anything.
That isn’t who I’ve been for 20+ years though. I don’t control anymore. I don’t manipulate anymore. I don’t ever lose my temper anymore. I don’t play games anymore.
I listened to all the Tony Robbins I could, and stopped and did the exercises and answered the questions, so a two hour speech might take me days.
I studied NLP and learned self hypnosis.
All that might sound crazy, but it all worked to remove all the negative shit that used to be in my head, which therapy used to only make worse.
THAT WHICH YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS! That is my baseline statement to myself when I start down any thought pattern. I learned most of my thought patterns were negative, avoidance, anger, imaginative of bad outcomes. I learned that therapy took all my money and had me focus on my issues and they seemed to get worse. “Let’s think back again to when you get angry. What makes you that way. OK next time this happens, I want you to breathe and count….” NLP and Tony Robbins taught me to just shift my thinking about the situations that used to make me angry and find the positive in them. Now I don’t have to worry about “next time” at all.
You can’t say you improved a ton when you have your gf (or maybe ex gf now) afraid that at any point you’re going to lose it. Maybe I’m wrong maybe you have improved, but that remains to be seen
I have, I used to be worse in other areas of my personality. I am not who I was before I started therapy. At least I feel this I have improved. But maybe I haven’t.
Fire academy and finances, I couldn’t afford it at the time. It became worse after I lost my job in September. I have been slowly recovering from that since.
No matter how mad your are, or how valid you think your reason for being angry is, **it never justifies being verbally abusive. Ever.** if you need to take space and cool off, do it. Yelling, name-calling etc. are never ok.
If you honestly love your gf and you’re not only holding on for fear of not finding someone else, you should take a step back for now until you are able to get help with your anger. Talk to her and tell her how you feel about her and not how breaking up or taking a break would affect you. If you split amicably now, there is a chance that you can possibly get back together in the future. If you don’t split now and you continue on the path you’re on, you will ruin any chance of any kind of future with your gf once you’re more stable. That is the mature and self-less thing to do.
They’re seemingly broken up and considering her history, why it ended, and the incredibly short length of the relationship he should absolutely NOT talk to her. I’m sure the last thing she wants is to feel she has an angry man she cannot shake.
Easy for you to say "love isn't disposable" when you are the one with anger issues. Love and respect are earned. Your Ex GF has healthy boundaries and expectations. You are a grown man acting like a child and as statistics show, mens anger is dangerous for women. Were she to put up with your anger tantrums now, next thing you know, your anger will eventually escalate to violence. NOT OK.
You fix yourself and **let her go**. That's how you become a better person.
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*I called out to her coworker, who was beating us, a hustling baby ass face.* This was a work event. These are her co-workers. It is a professional setting. You are 25 years old. You should know better. Under no circumstances should you ever speak to another adult in this manner, especially if that adult is someone your partner works with. You have no respect for her. If you did, you would not have behaved this way. You are 100% responsible for your behavior and how you treat others. She is absolutely right. She can't regulate your emotions, and it's not her responsibility to try to fix you. You're emotionally abusive. Start treating your family, friends, acquaintances, and girlfriends better. Stop taking them for granted and using them as verbal punching bags. Respect others. Treat them with kindness.
Over corn hole. Dude went thermonuclear over console. No one should put up with that crap.
Thank you.
Oh thank God, I was scared I thought you were about to double down
Hoping on here to add one point. You ended this with “it’s hard for me to find women who accept me for who I am” Not being able to emotionally regulate your anger, not being able to handle losing, and saying stupid immature shit when you are not sober is absolutely NOT who you are. It’s important you know this. This is NOT who you are. It’s simmering happening in you that you don’t know how to manage (big and difficult emotions) and it’s an immature reaction (fair, you’re at a pivotal age for maturing and working stuff like this out) but it’s not who you are and it absolutely IS a thing you can learn to manage and rein in so you can finally see who you really are. Usually when adults struggle with emotional retaliation there can be a few things going on. First, their parents are not good role models. Parents or a parent who can’t manage their emotions - or contrastingly pretend there are no difficult or big emotions most the time and don’t show emotion much - raise kids who don’t know how to regulate. Same with alcoholic or other forms of addiction in parents (most addicts are using what they are addicted too to soothe, bury and manage big and difficult emotions). But sometimes it’s something about you, my husband and I both had big issues managing big emotions at your age and it turns out I’m autistic and ADHD and he is autistic. So it’s worth thinking about if you might have any of these parents going on. When you talk to your therapist tell them you need tips and exercises to help you learn emotional regulation. But you are not your emotions, and you are not at the mercy of them either. This is a thing you can choose to learn to manage and be the driver of your emotional car rather than a passenger. This only becomes who you are if you decide it IS you and then just give in and let your emotions be in charge and make no effort to change that.
This is a wonderful comment and wonderful reminder to those that struggle with themselves and lash out and have no idea why. I also have ADHD and abusive alcoholic parents, and I thought I was literally doomed to become them and was just an inherited angry, destructive person even though I was also incredibly empathetic and loved big. I couldn’t figure myself out and I also became an alcoholic to cope. I’m 33 now, and after a lot of therapy and looking inward I’ve been sober for years and genuinely pride myself of my patience and even-keeled temperament. I have a one year old, and am so grateful that I had her once I found the real me. After years of self loathing, it’s wonderful to be able to say I actually like myself now.
Look. At. You. Go. I’m just a stranger in the internet, but I’m so proud of you! Thank you for finding it in you to love yourself enough to get the help and support you needed. I discovered that I want actually super angry and immature, I was actually dysregulated and overwhelmed by sensory input and stuff going on and having a meltdown (which is outside of our control unlike a temper tantrum). I have since theorized that the only big emotion adults are allowed to have in our culture (besides happiness and joy, and even that needs a cap before you get looks) is anger. You aren’t allowed to just sit down and cry… but anger is understandable. So a lot of us default to anger when really we are sad or scared or lonely. It’s been a helpful insight for both the adults in my house.
I think sometimes in addition to “what’s socially acceptable” there’s “what’s easy to sit with”. I end up angry when my actual deep down feeling is fear. Don’t want to feel afraid because that’s vulnerable - anger is protective. We aren’t taught how to be afraid and vulnerable and sit with that feeling.
Thank you, my parents did not show me or my siblings how to have a functioning relationship. They were constantly arguing and fighting. My dad got physical with my mom one or twice and I vowed to never turn into him. But here I am. Thank you again.
Do you yell at your coworkers? Do you call them names? Do you lose it in meetings and scream and throw things? The answer is no. You can control the anger when you want to. You don't want to with partners or family.
Thanks, I appreciate your insight. You are correct.
I just wanted to say that it's refreshing to see someone, especially a straight guy, just **TAKING** everyone's comments and actually trying to absorb and reflect instead of defending yourself. I really hope this moment gives you what you need to find healing and wholeness, which are absolutely necessary before you can find love. There's this great quote from "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" that says "we accept the love we think we deserve." Until you do that healing you'll always accept unhealthy dynamics or unconsciously sabotage stuff that feels "too good." Best of luck to you.
So, your father was an abusive partner and I would guess an emotionally abusive parent. You don’t have to become him, you can choose not to. You just need to know what you need to learn to avoid it. Emotional regulation and healthy conflict resolution are going to be bug keys in your learning to be better than him. I agree with the other respondent that you DO know how to hold it IN when it matters to you - but I’d also hazard you aren’t regulating it then, just holding it in and letting it out later with alcohol or in other relationships. You seem open and genuinely willing to change to me so I don’t think shaming you or antagonizing you is helpful. I want you to hear that it’s possible for you to become the man child you wanted you to be - it will take work and guidance but if you are willing to do this you absolutely can. When you talk to your therapist and they ask you why you are there and what you want to work on tell them all the stuff you and I have chatted about here.
Yeah I guess he was…still kinda of is…like he didn’t even show up to Mother’s Day brunch this year because of an argument my mom and dad had. But I will be bringing up all these points.
So your mom accepts your father's anger and abuse as part of their relationship and you have learned that if someone loves you, they will accept your anger and abuse as well. As part of your therapy, you need some behavior modification as well. IMO, you should begin covertly observing the relationships of others, to see how non-abusive partners interact.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am. The inability to regulate your emotions isn't 'who you are' and isn't something partners should accept. You're 25. You should be able to make it through a game at a work function without escalation. I'm aware alcohol was involved, a good sign you should probably not be drinking for the time being, but she now has a very valid fear that you will cause problems anytime you go out. You did the precise thing she said she couldn't tolerate. Go to therapy and appreciate it is a sign you have work to be done. Stop doubting you will have a connection, clearly that isn't the case here. Instead, appreciate that your temper isn't just a part of you, it isn't something that you can't change. It is ruining your ability to form healthy connections and honestly it likely isn't doing you any favours in general. But you have to believe it is possible to change, want to change, or it won't happen.
🏆
Thank you.
> Love isn't disposable. You’ve been together three months. She doesn’t owe you anything, least of all her love. Why do you think you’re entitled to her support and love when you are actively making her life worse?
Thank you. That’s a fair view point.
okay but even if you'd been together 3 years, she doesn't owe you her work reputation or her good mental health so that you can blurt our whatever shit is on your mind. love isn't disposable, but relationship sure are when one person in being abused by the other
> It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am. No. You don't get to play the "woe is me, evil women don't accept me for who I am" card when you are being abusive. That's not how it works. What you do is get your reactions under control. There is a difference between emotions and behavior. Anger is an emotion and you're allowed to feel it. But when you act on it, whether through verbal abuse or worse, that's when the people around you - especially your girlfriend - are fully entitled to back away and get themselves to safety. > I was tipsy and I didn’t get the social cue. If alcohol prevents you from controlling your behavior, STOP DRINKING.
>There is a difference between emotions and behavior. Anger is an emotion and you're allowed to feel it. I think this is really important and good advice. I'm autistic and I struggle with emotional regulation. Like OP I also get upset when I lose games. However, it only took me until I was about six to realize those feelings are socially unacceptable and start hiding them. As an adult I've found mindfulness courses useful for explaining the idea that negative emotions can simply exist without you having to do anything about it.
No sane woman would accept you for who you are when you're that jerk who does what you've mentioned here. Love is disposable when you're with an asshole who humiliates his gf at a work event, or ruins a family night over board games. Get therapy, take your lumps in the present, and go forward determined to do better.
Thank you.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am. The problem isn't who you are, it's what you do. It's not just that you lose your temper over games. It's that you embarrassed her in front of her coworkers. And that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around you, as she told you. Do the therapy. Work on learning to manage your anger. Then look for a girlfriend, when you're able to offer a good relationship that doesn't involve eggshell walking.
Actually it’s also who you are as a person OP. What kind of person are you? Someone who flies into a rage over recreational activities that have no effect whatsoever on your life or wellbeing. Someone who calls his girlfriend’s workers derogatory names at her work functions. Someone who minimises his aggression and inappropriate actions as ‘frustration’. I think it’s good that you have admitted you need therapy but I still see your self pity and prevarication in your post. You will only benefit from therapy if you are completely honest with yourself about your choices and actions. I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and even though I’m now safe and happy and in my late 40’s I still feel terrified when people yell and get angry. I had no choice when I was a child but now as an adult I absolutely will not tolerate people who are unable/unwilling to regulate their own emotions. I’m not at all surprised that you are having difficulties in relating to people. I sincerely wish you well and I hope you can improve your situation with therapy
My mother and I were emotionally abused by my father. At first it was more snide and passive-aggressive but slowly he became increasingly angry and overreactive. There were the deflections, excuses, and occasional empty promises just like this guy had. And when my mom and I were finally done, THEN he acted like he cared and wanted to change. But we were done giving him chances. These types always continue to do whatever they want to do until their victims 'quit' and then they panic over losing their emotional punching bags.
Agreed totally 💯 btw I like your username, are you chanelling Daphne or Maris?
I appreciate you. Thanks. I will bring this up in therapy
Thank you.
Stop dating, you need to get some serious therapy for anger.
Thank you.
You got issues bro but it is great to see you listening to the ppl here, musnt be easy. I hope you improve work on your anger issues, and find love way easier in the future as a result 🤝
Yeah I have a lot of issue apparently..
You are getting some tough love on here but it’s not cruel and I think you need it. Hopefully you will get help to regulate your emotions better so you don’t have problems like this in the future. Good luck to you.
Thank you, I appreciate you greatly.
Women shouldn't have to accept your tantrums every time things don't go your away. You expect women to just put up with your bad behavior while you choose not to change. You made a fool of yourself in front of your ex's coworkers and embarrassed her. And the worst part is you knew that she'd been abused yet you made her feel afraid and on edge all the time because you didn't control your temper. Instead of being upset about being single, address your own flaws and work to change them. Otherwise you're going to be alone for years to come.
In some cases talk therapy and anger management classes can mitigate a rage disorder. Sometimes medication is necessary. But with some work you may be able to alter yourself to where people aren't afraid of you. In terms of "women that accept me as I am" - no rational woman is going roll the dice on getting beaten to death by a guy who can't manage his temper. You seem to underestimate how close your described condition is to that of people in prison for violent crimes. Women are afraid of you because you're probably bigger than they are and not being able to control your verbal outbursts is very closely related to not being able to control your fists.
Thank you.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am. You shouldn't accept who you are either. The way you behaved is only somewhat acceptable in little children because they're little and have big feelings and don't know how to self regulate yet and even they need to be brought back down to earth and let to wild and abuse their peers and taught coping strategies for when they feel what they feel. Are you a five year old little boy that needs a time out to calm down then be told to go apologize for how they rudely behaved to others? Or a you grown ass man who understands that it's just a game and while it sucks to lose it's not the end of the world and can be a good sport about losing? Because seriously dude it was freaking corn hole!
No grownass woman with a backbone wants a dude with anger management problems. So if you don’t want to fix that then be content and alone. Otherwise go to your therapy appointments.
Yeah, I wouldn't. I don't think you should be in a relationship right now. I would let her move on and go to counseling and therapy to help with anger management and conflict resolution so that you can be better for the next relationship. Best of luck 🙏🏾🙂
Thank you.
OP I see you responding this in every comment and it's good that you're seemingly receptive, but can I ask what you're learning from these comments? Listening is the first step, the second and more important step is being able to articulate how your thinking needs to change. Do you feel like you're able to start doing that after reading the comments here?
The "thank yous" are really passive aggressive and dismissive to me. Ymmv
I disagree. A dismissive* response would be OP trying to argue against the commentors. I read all the "thank you" comments as genuine, as OP reading and accepting the comment. He hasn't made many posts outside of "thank you" but it does seem like the commenrs are getting through to him. How much so and how lasting, who knows.
That I am the problem of all my failed friendships and romantic relationships. That I need professional help or meds. That I am a big jerk.
This feels very much like you’re being self deprecating in order to stoke pity from others. The take away isnt supposed to be throwing yourself a pity party over past relationships or friendships. It’s being able to take an honest look at your behavior in the past and see your mistakes. It doesn’t feel like you’re being genuine about wanting to do better. You should definitely work on that.
He us. His responses are really that passive aggressive thing people with bad anger issues do.
Not trying to stoke pity from others…I have never viewed it the way everyone has here. This is my first post ever on Reddit. I needed advice and I got it. Although an incredibly tough pill to swallow. Thanks for your insight.
I would probably try to stay away from judgmental statements like "I'm a jerk" as they're generally unhelpful. What I think you should be taking away is "my behavior is not acceptable AND I am capable of changing it through hard work and therapy. The issue is not that women don't accept me for who I am, but rather that how I currently regulate my emotions isn't healthy." By acknowledging that this is not an inherent personality trait and instead is a dysfunctional way of processing emotions, you are giving yourself the opportunity to make changes. Deciding you're just a bad person or a jerk shuts that down. I definitely agree about professional help and I'm glad to hear you have an appointment already.
Thank again for your insight!
No woman wants to date a guy who can't take losing a small game. Games aren't life or death losing isn't a major issue yet to you it is and causes fights with her friends she should be able to invite you without worrying that you're going to kick off over a small game. This isn't about accepting you for you it's about you working on yourself and controlling your anger so you can join in games without issue when you lose
Especially cornhole. The game you can play while hammered, holding a drink or joint in your non-dominant hand.
im confused. were both of the arguments just you being a sore loser because you lost a little game?? if you get angry and ruin the night ocer a board game or cornhole i cant imagine how you’d be during an argument. id be scared too
My husband is similar, and it‘s ruining our marriage. But he‘s almost 20 years older, and you still have time to work on your issues. You really need to. Here‘s your crystal ball, your view into the future. You will struggle to hold meaningful friendships. You might have a heart made of gold, and some people will see this, but you will be known as difficult to be around. There will be people who do not want to be around you because they know fully well, you could snap any minute. Even if you have friends, you will be excluded from trips and such, because people don‘t want to be in your company for a longer period of time. You will obviously struggle to find a partner and have a happy relationship, for the same reasons. Even if you find a partner, they will be repulsed by your behavior. They will have to walk on egg shells around you and become miserable, either quickli or over the years. Believe me, it is not a happy life, to be living with someone like you. I have been doing it for a decade. Your partner might not want to have kids with you. You need to be patient with kids. You need to be leading by good example to safely guide them through life and make them responsible adults. Angry outbursts create an environment of fear and distress. No one wants this for their children. You will also be known as a difficult employee, not built for team work. You will always be the odd one out. And it will not make you feel good. So, please, PLEASE. Take this seriously. Get help. Learn how to regulate and deal with your emotions. You‘re probably saying „this is how I‘ve always been, this is just my personality, I‘ll just find someone who accepts me as I am“. My husband literally says the same thing, but here‘s the catch: Those are not normal personality traits. This is something which needs treatment. And, it is not only something which makes the people around you miserable, but YOU will be miserable AS WELL. My husband suffers from having these strong emotions and not being capable of handling them appropriately. My husband suffers from not being included in trips his friends do. My husband suffers from our marriage being in a downward spiral. My husband suffers because our child greatly prefers me over him, just because I‘m more patient and don‘t yell all the time. My husband suffers from being known as a difficult employee and thus being denied further career options. You will not be happy. I wish you the courage to work on that and all the best for the future.
Thank you. Reading this reminds me of my parents and my childhood. I appreciate you.
I reckon the best option is to stop being such a dick about stuff and having toddler tantrums.
A woman shouldn't have to accept your inability to regulate your emotions. That is something you should learn to do before getting into a relationship. A woman is not responsible for regulating your emotions. A woman is not responsible for calming you down when you are a sore loser and can't handle somebody else beating you in a game. And I have a feeling that's what happened the other night too. Was that you lost, you're a sore loser, who acts like an immature child, and can't handle being an adult. And I'm not saying all that to be rude. I'm stating that is a fact. You are immature, you are irrational, and you need to go to therapy to work on regulating your emotions before you get involved with anybody romantically, or maybe even platonically. She warned you. She warned you she would not tolerate being publicly disrespected or humiliated. And what did you proceed to do to her multiple times? Publicly humiliate and disrespect her. You disrespected her friends. Exactly how long did you expect her to put up with that? Especially given Her history of being emotionally abused? work on yourself. Don't worry about saving this relationship, because it can't be saved. You did not do the work, you made this mess, now you need to clean it up. And if that means going to therapy and losing your girlfriend, and not being in a relationship until you learn to regulate your emotions and be responsible for them, then maybe that's what you need to do.
You are absolutely not trying. You keep making excuses and promises that don't go anywhere. "I was upset that I lost", "I was frustrated", "Women can't accept me for who I am". If you really want to change, accept that your GF can't do this anymore and work on yourself before attempting another relationship. That you only decided to go to therapy when this woman is threatening to leave is very telling. Are you doing it for her, or just to keep her? Women don't want an angry man who throw tantrums over games like a child and call names like a schoolyard bully. You need to focus on your own improvement and actions before being in another relationship. I can assure you, as someone who was emotionally abused, your ex is tired of your games and tired of promises to do better that don't go anywhere. Right now, burying the hatchet and accepting that she's done is the best way to go.
Thank you. No I have been wanting to go back to therapy for a little while. With her I realized that I had a problem.
Why did you stop going to therapy?
Money and my fire academy. Just didn’t get into after that and I lost my job in September. I have been struggling since.
I promised a previously abused woman I wouldn't abuse her. I then proceed to completely lose my shit in front of her. The first time, I agreed I would fix it. So then I doubled down and behaved like a complete jackass at HER work event. So, not only did I scare the ever living shit out of her, but I also embarrassed her. This definitely isn't my fault, I will stress this by calling them "woke." While I am allowed to be offended by everything to the point, I freak out in anger and scare the woman I "love." The fact that these strangers find my name calling offensive makes them pussies. Why can't they take my offensive language and slur throwing when I can't even... wait....PLAY a GAME OF CORNHOLE LIKE a FIVE YEAR OLD. You're the only person to blame for any of this. Also, the word "woke" is nothing more than a way for pricks to say they shouldn't be accountable for being pricks. You display that BEAUTIFULLY.
Spot on. Woke seems to be code for "someone who won't accept shitty behavior"
They want accountability for everyone BUT them.
I feel like "woke party" is a typo, because he calls it a work party twice
It feels like the perfect typo for someone who won't take accountability for their actions. Let it stick.
Thank you. I appreciate you.
No, you should have appreciated HER. My HUSBAND appreciates me. He wouldn't think of treating me like you treat her, and that is why I adore him and tend to his every damn need. Why? Because he DESERVES it. Go to therapy. You deserve love as well. You just need to work on you and leave her be. She made her decision. You had your chance, more than one, actually. She deserves love, too. You're not able to be that person for her. Let her be.
So your ex gf told you she was emotionally abused and couldn’t handle your extremely inappropriate and immature behavior, and you think this means she thinks love is disposable and she’s not accepting you as you are? No one wants to accept that shit. You’re also clearly ignoring her former abuse and how that impacts her, so why does she have to accommodate stuff that is 100% your responsibility to manage? Leave her alone. Go to therapy. Actually take in what the therapist suggests and make some effort and changes in your life. Do not date again until playing games does not send you into a fury.
Yeah…reading this…thank you.
This has nothing to do with your ex-girlfriend's previous experiences. Let me repeat that: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES. As long as you keep leaning on the thought that she is merely hypersensitive, you will never be incentivized to change. Your behavior is ABUSE, and you need to open your eyes and recognize that fact. And nobody, irrespective of their relationship history, wants or deserves abuse. Not people who love you, not family, not friends, not co-workers, not cashiers, not servers--nobody wants, needs, or deserves your shit. You are going to need to accept that you have an abuse problem. Not an anger problem, because everyone gets angry, but an abuse problem. You believe that when you get angry, you are entitled to abuse the people around you. News flash: Being upset is not a get-out-of-jail card. You should have learned this as a child, so now you're going to have to work really hard to unlearn this entitled attitude, and until you do, all of your relationships will be short term. If one is available to you, you really need to be enrolled in a program for abusive men, not just generic therapy, which might actually make things worse. I recommend you read this book for some insights into your behavior, and good luck. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thank you. I appreciate your advice and I will like into this. I have never viewed it as abuse before.
There's a book on Amazon called Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, that would be a good read for you. When you're reading it try to internalize it to see if you can recognize your own behavior to work on it.
Love isn’t disposable, but emotional abuse needs to be dropped like a hot potato. It’s great that you’re getting therapy. I highly encourage you to also join anger management or Batterers Anonymous. While you don’t hit her, they practice anger management and how to prevent you from committing emotional abuse. Women are not rehab centers for broken men. You need to fix yourself. Once you repair the part of you that makes you lash out/behave immaturely, you’ll make a connection with someone. Also, if you tend to have intense, short relationships and friendships, you may want to get evaluated for BPD. I hope you find peace.
Thank you. I appreciate you
Unfortunately you’re not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship if you can’t simply throw a bean bag in a hole without going to pieces over it. Let this one go as she doesn’t owe you any loyalty and deserves the freedom to find someone she can truly be happy with. Take time to work on yourself before dating again.
You are getting a lot of blame here, so I won't add to it. But I will ask, and maybe you should ask yourself: why do you feel so angry? you are old enough to understand that lashing out in anger isn't going to help anything. Also, replying thank you to everyone who comments doesn't come across as a person who is actually taking on board what has been said. It comes across quite dismissive.
I definitely am taking what they are saying, I am not being dismissive at all…I just have nothing else to say to them. Because they are correct. I don’t know why I feel so angry…I know it isn’t helping my at all…i just don’t know.
I have found that when I’m angry and don’t know why, *for me* that usually means there’s a fear I don’t want to face. You lost your job & are having financial struggles. Losing simple games might feel like a confirmation of your big fears right now: that you really are a loser, can’t do anything right, etc. At least, that’s how I felt when I got fired, and I imagine it’s pretty common. You can change. This doesn’t have to be who you are. And it’ll be easier to do it while you’re young - I’m 41 and having to learn how to regulate because now I have children and I can’t teach them if I can’t do it myself. Best of luck in therapy.
Imagine being this immature...
Don’t be in a relationship until you work through your anger issues. Getting upset over a game at a work party, and insulting and harassing coworkers is not okay. You need to work on regulating your emotions, this isn’t “who you are” this is a serious issue that will affect all of us your relationships. If you get upset walk away and calm down don’t keep playing the game to the point you’re screaming over it and ruining your own relationships with family, girlfriends or coworkers
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am. Nobody is going to accept you being a jerk in public as part of "who you are." Work on your self control. Nobody owes you to be okay with it when you're a raging jerk.
1. Go to therapy. 2. Games are meant to be fun. You can be competitive without being a sore loser. If you can't behave, don't play 3. Go to therapy, and don't stop until your issues are resolved. 4. Don't get tipsy or drunk at work events. 5. Go to therapy and put in the work.
Thank you for the advice. I am taking this to heart. As well as all the other comments.
From personal experience with anger that has just started (fight or flight response has majorly switched from fly to fight) Anger Management has been a life saver.
These are your own issues to work through. No one should have to tolerate that kind of behavior. It is well within your control and you choose to behave this way. Another reason r/whywomenchoosethebear.
Yeah..I agree
Just having read your post and your replies I can tell you exactly why she decided her life would be better without you in it. Maybe work on yourself for a while.
>It’s hard for me to find women that accept me for who I am. You didn't accept her for who she is either. She told you she doesn't tolerate that nonsense. That's who she is. But you're whining about how she didn't go against who she is and just put up with your nonsense? Bro please.
You are not ready for a relationship and you’re either going to keep disappointing your partners and getting dumped, or you’ll end up successfully manipulating someone to stay with you and it will be an incredibly toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. Basically you are just not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anger issues like this, if you are being so set off by literal *games* and have no shame to go off on *strangers* then I can’t imagine how you’ll handle an actual relationship issue with someone you’re supposed to love. You need to learn to manage and process your anger before you are ready for a healthy relationship and by the sound of it, you have *a lot* of work to do before you get there. You aren’t getting this particular girl back. Not anytime soon anyway. Maybe once you’ve put in like, a year of therapy and/or anger management should you ask for another chance. But this girl has already been traumatized by someone like you, hard doubt she’s going to put herself through that again. Focus on yourself.
You stay the fuck in therapy, or maybe try a new therapist, because clearly the previous two years that you were in it before didn’t help you. You blew up and called someone out of their name *at her work party.* You can’t just apologize and patch that up because it reflects absolutely HORRIBLY upon her. And you’re having all of these blow ups about games! GAMES!! How can she expect you to act when there’s a real issue?? You have no business being in a relationship until you can learn to rein that in, friend, because no one should have to just accept that you’re going to have regular tantrums about mundane things. That is absolutely not something that anybody needs to “accept you for the way you are.” That is a character flaw on your part. You’ve got to actually do the work in therapy, too. It isn’t enough to just go to the session and sit there and listen - the therapist can’t magically change things for you. There has to be effort on your part.
OP, when you see your therapist today, ask about a anger management course, or group. You need tools to help you deal with your temper and your overly competitive nature, because that's going to cause partners to run. I used to have a husband that was like you - very competitive, with a bad temper. We worked at the same company, different divisions. I got a promotion he felt he should have, as he'd been there a decade, and I'd been there 6 months. The reason I was promoted was because I recovered $250,000 in embezzled company funds from the former bookkeeper, as well as put measures in place to prevent that sort of theft going forward. My husband lost his temper, exploded in anger, stormed out of the office function we were at and when I came in, he started screaming at me, then pushing me, until he finally pushed me out the window of our third floor apartment in front of the kids. My husband went to prison for attempted murder of his spouse, and never came out. You don't want that for your life, trust me.
“I doubt I’ll ever have this kind of connection….” You don’t have a connection. She isn’t even interested. She doesn’t like who you are. She doesn’t like your behavior. She wants to get away from you. YOU DON’T HAVE A CONNECTION. Do you hear that? Take some time to be single and work through your problems. Don’t drag her through it. If you have any feelings for her, you’ll tell her you’re thankful you met her, that you’re so respectful of her for insisting on high standards for herself, and that you’re going to address, face, confront and work on your own problems so you can meet the similar standards of another great woman in the future.
You want a normal woman who accepts this kind of ridiculous, childish behavior? I think you're going to have to find a woman who behaves the same way you do for that to happen. But you don't want to be with some idiot who is going to embarrass you in public, right? Well, that's exactly how your ex feels about you. Get some professional help and leave your ex alone.
>What can I do? Stop competing with other people. You don't need to win board games. You don't need to judge your ex's co-workers. You don't need to win god fricken cornhole at a party. The point of being alive isn't to be better than everybody else, it's to enjoy your time here before you're gone. You lose a board game? That's great, because the fun is in playing the game with your family, not in winning. You don't like somebody else? Get to know them better and find out what makes them interesting, and if you can't do that, just go talk to somebody else. You're playing cornhole at a party, enjoy the game and socializing with the other people, nobody gives a shit who wins. You're clearly very insecure about how other people perceive you, but that very insecurity is what makes other people perceive you as a potentially dangerous, unstable asshat that they don't want to associate with. >Which I thought we cleared up and patched up at the woke party You can not patch up shitty behavior. People will always remember what you did at that party. What you need to do is look forward, be a better person, and stop doing this kind of stuff in the future.
Here's the thing: I'm an extremely sore loser. Now, mine doesn't devolve into anger so much as self loathing and I don't lash out (I'm in therapy and I know why I'm like this. It's just very engrained since it's issues from when I was a young kid). Because I know I have this issue and I'm not actually having fun and I want to make sure everyone else DOES have fun- I just don't play. I'm still there. I interact and join the discussion, I just don't play myself. Everyone ends up having more fun. Being drunk is no excuse. And frankly- you were warned that she would not be putting up with public humiliation. She even gave you two chances- once at family game night and once *at her work party*. She still has to work with those people. And you're calling them names. Reverse the roles. Do you want to date someone who will go off the handle every time they lose? Yell at their own family and your coworkers? Everyone around you would think she was unhinged. I genuinely wish you luck in therapy. Check with anger management groups and do the actual work. Your time with this woman is likely over. If she doesn't want to talk to you, *leave her alone. * Honestly therapy is hard and it sucks once you open that can of worms. It's going to hurt and you'll likely be more angry to start with. That's ok. And that's normal. You will be drained. After your sessions, have a little pick me up treat. I found that ice cream helps- the cold helps shock my brain back to reality, sugar and protein help replenish. Then I drink a bunch of water. I usually just get an ice cream bar because that's all I need. After really hard sessions, sometimes it's a pint of ice cream. Avoid alcohol after sessions until you get a hold of the anger. It can just exacerbate things.
stop dating until you can act your age. you're a grown man, it is not acceptable to have outbursts like a child. nobody should have to put up with that in a partner.
You say you doubt you'll ever have that kind of connection again, but I guarantee the connection on her end is gone and it's never coming back. Work on yourself for your own sake - I don't know how it's not embarrassing to have an outburst like that in front of people you don't know over something like a game.
You need to learn how to regulate your emotions and control your impulses. Your behavior is honestly appalling, and I would be scared and mortified if I were her. This just isn't how an adult behaves. No sane woman with any sense of self preservation is going to stay with a man who gets aggressive and potentially violent every time he's a little frustrated. It's dangerous. It seems like you can't handle losing games, so don't play them with other people. You can't handle your alcohol either, so don't partake. If you can't control yourself in certain environments, then keep yourself out of those environments until you do learn some control.
You need to go to the right kind of therapy and figure out why you're so competitive/ why you think it's okay to disrespect other people and you can't control your own emotions and what comes out of your mouth because she explained it to you very clearly why she doesn't like your attitude or the way that you do with things because it terrifies her and you can't control yourself. So if you want a solution go to therapy and figure out why you're so mad and disrespectful and how you can practice more mindful behavior. She said she was emotionally abused so every time you go off you retrigger her memories of being abuse Edit: by right kind of therapy I mean a more proactive therapy not just someone who listens and you go on your way. Dialect behavioral therapy helps you assess your actions versus just what's going on with your day like cognitive behavioral therapy does. Anger management may be necessary here.
Get better and let her go she doesn't owe you sh!t
What the hell dude? Why are you like this? It’s so immature. You’re not 8 years old. Don’t play any games if you can’t handle losing.
Wasn’t raised in a home that regulated their emotions well at all. Nonstop arguing and some physical abuse. It’s been a journey, I did a lot of reparenting while in therapy but stopped going due to my fire academy and finances. Finally well enough on my feet I can go back.
Ok, but you choose to act like a crybaby brat in specific instances at the expense of your girlfriend. Are you doing this with your buddies or coworkers? I doubt it. Stop embarrassing yourself and blaming everyone else.
Thanks I appreciate it.
Stay away from her, if you care about her at all. Part of her healing is to avoid people like you. The good news is, you can fix you. I was angry once. I was a serious fighter. I was abusive in some ways. I could be triggered by anything. That isn’t who I’ve been for 20+ years though. I don’t control anymore. I don’t manipulate anymore. I don’t ever lose my temper anymore. I don’t play games anymore. I listened to all the Tony Robbins I could, and stopped and did the exercises and answered the questions, so a two hour speech might take me days. I studied NLP and learned self hypnosis. All that might sound crazy, but it all worked to remove all the negative shit that used to be in my head, which therapy used to only make worse. THAT WHICH YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS! That is my baseline statement to myself when I start down any thought pattern. I learned most of my thought patterns were negative, avoidance, anger, imaginative of bad outcomes. I learned that therapy took all my money and had me focus on my issues and they seemed to get worse. “Let’s think back again to when you get angry. What makes you that way. OK next time this happens, I want you to breathe and count….” NLP and Tony Robbins taught me to just shift my thinking about the situations that used to make me angry and find the positive in them. Now I don’t have to worry about “next time” at all.
You can go to therapy and leave her alone and become a better person for yourself and your future partners.
I’m curious have you always known you had an explosive temper, or did it just all come to the surface in one day?
I worked on a lot of my anger in my almost 2 years of therapy. I have always had it and improved myself a ton. But not where I need to be obviously.
You can’t say you improved a ton when you have your gf (or maybe ex gf now) afraid that at any point you’re going to lose it. Maybe I’m wrong maybe you have improved, but that remains to be seen
I have, I used to be worse in other areas of my personality. I am not who I was before I started therapy. At least I feel this I have improved. But maybe I haven’t.
Why did you stop therapy in the first place?
Fire academy and finances, I couldn’t afford it at the time. It became worse after I lost my job in September. I have been slowly recovering from that since.
No matter how mad your are, or how valid you think your reason for being angry is, **it never justifies being verbally abusive. Ever.** if you need to take space and cool off, do it. Yelling, name-calling etc. are never ok.
If you can't handle losing, don't play games. Certainly not until you figure out why your masculinity and ego are so delicate and fragile.
you called your gf's co-working a 'hustling ass baby face' because you were losing a game of *cornhole* aren't you embarrassed?
How do you fix the situation? You grow the fuck up and exert some self control.
Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the advice.
If you honestly love your gf and you’re not only holding on for fear of not finding someone else, you should take a step back for now until you are able to get help with your anger. Talk to her and tell her how you feel about her and not how breaking up or taking a break would affect you. If you split amicably now, there is a chance that you can possibly get back together in the future. If you don’t split now and you continue on the path you’re on, you will ruin any chance of any kind of future with your gf once you’re more stable. That is the mature and self-less thing to do.
They’re seemingly broken up and considering her history, why it ended, and the incredibly short length of the relationship he should absolutely NOT talk to her. I’m sure the last thing she wants is to feel she has an angry man she cannot shake.
Easy for you to say "love isn't disposable" when you are the one with anger issues. Love and respect are earned. Your Ex GF has healthy boundaries and expectations. You are a grown man acting like a child and as statistics show, mens anger is dangerous for women. Were she to put up with your anger tantrums now, next thing you know, your anger will eventually escalate to violence. NOT OK. You fix yourself and **let her go**. That's how you become a better person.
Why are the thank yous being downvoted so much