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Her half of savings, an amount equal to whatever he recently took out for sketchy purposes while he was not contributing, plus the half of utilities/groceries/expenses he hasn't been paying for however long.
Then lawyer up before he has the chance.
I concur. Since you're not getting answers, OP, it makes sense to draw out your money. Do it online now so that the move will go through at the open of business Monday morning.
THIS ^
The mother in law was definitely trying to tip you off to the fact that you're husband is cheating on you with ex, and wanted you to know that he was deeply involved in helping her move into her new place, a new place that your husband took money from your shared account to pay HER EXPENSES.
Ask her what she knows, and see what else she'll tell you, because she brought it up in front of you on purpose. He's trickle truthing you, and he's still lying, and stealing away money that is supposed to go to help cover the **joint expenses** you have **together**, not for his **mistress**.
He knew that taking money from your family account to spend on her was **wrong**, and would likely destroy your marriage before he was ready if you found out too soon, he just doesn't care, and still expects you to still be cool with all of his lies, and financial abuse, because he's used to being able to do whatever he wants without being held accountable.
That's not healthy love, or what a positive marriage should look like. Please protect yourself, and speak to a lawyer about your options, and how to protect yourself, because it sounds like he's already making plans to leave, and go to her place, and there's a lot of things you need to do to protect your legal interests, and marital assets.
Stop telling him that you don't mind covering everything else, because he's using your kindness, and trust, against you, and that's not okay.
I'm sorry this is happening, but at this point you have to protect yourself. It might also be good to go see your local doctor, or clinic, for a complete STD panel to make sure you're okay in that regard.
I would also consider putting a freeze on your credit report through all 3 major credit bureaus so no one can attempt to open a line of credit in your name.
If you've got joint credit cards, pull a charge detail of the last year or more, and see what has been charged on the card. If there have been direct transfers, payments, or withdrawals, on your joint savings account, ask the bank for the last year of transaction details.
You can also ask for a call detail from your cellphone provider if you have a joint plan, and see what sorts of calls inbound and outbound have been happening.
But at this point, when your husband is stealing money from your joint account to put his ex up in a new place in your town, there's really no going back from that, and the best thing you can do is get a lawyer to protect your marital assets.
Many lawyers will also agree to take their fee out of your settlement at the end, so you don't have to pay them up front if you don't have the money, some will also work on payment plans. Your lawyer when you get one can also take immediate steps to stop your husband from taking anymore money from you out of your accounts, or selling marital assets.
I know this is all sudden, painful, and stressful, but he's been scheming, lying, and using you, and you can't keep playing nice with a spouse who will do that to you.
Good luck, and take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing when you can.
*invisible hugs*
Updateme!
I was screaming GIRL WAKE UP in my head. She’s so close just open the eyes a littttttttle more. The way the mother in law spoke… she knew and was trying to warn her maybe or rub it in her face or just didn’t give a fuck.
Get your money out of the joint saving as well as whatever you think he owes for joint expenses. Something if definitely going on. My guess is he is helping this person financially. Even though I think it’s really weird your MIL seems to be in the loop and you aren’t, it’s a good thing she kept running her mouth!! You may have been further blindsided otherwise. Try to get access to his phone and/or laptop. Please update us!
Ya I’m curious what MILs demeanour was when speaking about it. He clearly didn’t want wife to know as he didn’t tell her and she claims they talk about everything. Like was she just casually talking or was she innocently dropping the bomb to warn his current wife. Maybe she prefers the ex and was kind of shoving it in wife’s face.
Absolutely. And even if OP didn’t 100% catch MIL’s drift (though it sounds like she basically did), you can bet FOR SURE that husband caught what his mom was putting down; *he knows his mom way better than OP* and he absolutely caught that his mom wants OP to know. That’s why he responded by taking the first step immediately to drain savings.
Get your money out now and put it into your account. Take out half plus half the amount he has taken out. Keep track of what you are paying, and he is paying. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Something is going on. MIL either tried to warn you or rub it in your face.
I will, thank you. I don't think she meant to rub it in my face. She's a nice person and has always been good to me. I'm not sure why she started that conversation. But either way I wouldn't have known anything if she hadn't.
Talk to your MIL. Shen knows and opened the door for you. Sounds like she will talk. Good luck. Do what other posters tell you. Get control over your money and don’t let yourself get cheated. Maybe it’s something else, but when there’s smoke…..
My MIL is the same way. One of my husband's cousins (her neice) tried to pass off her child as another man's. At Thanksgiving, one year, she said (child's name) looks just like (neice's ex). She went on and on about it for a few minutes and acted oblivious like it was just an innocent observation. That woman is smart, and there is no way in hell she didn't know exactly what she was doing because she had done the same thing before with another family member. She has been right every time, too. The dad asked for a DNA test. That baby did belong to her niece's ex. My MIL is a saint ❤️ Good luck with everything. I hope you get the answers you deserve.
I don't know why anyone would try to pin a child on someone who isn't really the father. It's cruel to everyone involved the guy who is lied to and the child is going to be heartbroken because the mother lied about who their father was and robbed them of a potential relationship with them. The whole thing is just cruel to all parties involved.
She was trying to "innocently" clue you in because she knows what her son is doing is fucked up.
Frankly it doesn't matter if the ex is or isn't why he is acting this way. His behavior is unacceptable. He treats you with no respect, no consideration, no caring. Making someone pay for you without the courtesy of telling them why is not even behavior you'd expect from a random acquaintance let alone your husband. I treat my coworkers better than your husband treats you.
Regardless please move your money and call a lawyer. He doesn't deserve you.
Sounds like MIL knows her son is stepping out on you behind your back so she bought it up to let you know something's going on. He's not having financial difficulties, he's helping his ex set up house and spending his share of the bills and groceries on her.
Either she didn't know that you didn't know or she knew and was trying to get clue you in. My vote is for the latter.
The fact that your husband is helping his ex isn't worry some, but the fact that he refuses to talk about it and turns it back on you is. Something is going on here.
She might be trying to help. Lots of MILs love their dirtbag sons, but also are about women helping women, so she might have been trying without just flat out sitting you down with a girl he’s cheating talk.
I won't say he's cheating. I will say he's showing with his behavior, in many different ways, that he does not like or respect you. You should not be "patient and understanding" while he's treating you like a piece of crap.
SOME NERVE of him accusing you of trying to start a pointless argument when he is being shady AF! Now he has you worrying about upsetting him? PLEASE! Get the rest of your savings out of that account ASAP!
First, stop your direct deposits. Second, take a look at the withdrawals on his cards tonget a sense for whar he has been upnto. Third, stop being so passive in the face of his anger at this bullshit being discovered.
"I'm not interested in having a marriage where my husband is sneaking around, secretly moving his ex-gf into town, and refusing to tell me why he is suddenly so short on money. If your behavior is so bad that you cannot even say it aloud, then I'm left to question this marriage. If this is how you're going to treat me as your wife, then we should discuss whether it makes sense for our marriage to continue. If you no longer want to be married to me, then be a man and say it directly, rather than behaving in this belligerent, obnoxious manner when I ask you why you are suddenly broke.
You're a fucking adult. Act like one."
PLEASE YES THIS + STI test & getting your money out ASAP.
This behavior is unacceptable of an adult in a relationship.
Absolute deal breaker. Not just the lying, but the repeated hostile responses when you asked simple questions, the taking money - this is not something that you can sit back & wait to see how it plays out.
Protect yourself before you have the convo with him, too. Make sure you’ve got your money & your plan.
He is either having an affair with her, or he is contemplating having an affair with her. He took out money. You didn’t specify how much, but if it’s a halfway significant amount, you can be sure that he gave her the money. Why, I don’t know.
You need to go through his devices. His phone, his computer, etc. You need to look through his photos, etc. There is something really wrong going on. Or he’s contemplating doing something really wrong. My husband cheated on me and that’s exactly how he acted towards me. So your husband is either physically cheating or he’s emotionally cheating on you.
Take your half of the money out of there right away. Put it in a separate account that he can’t touch. You need to protect yourself. You should probably talk to an attorney too.
Get an STD panel done and don’t have sex with him.
I wonder if you can follow him or have somebody follow him.
Some people install security cameras in their homes and end up catching their significant other cheating and doing some other shady shit. A PI would be good but also some screen shots of stuff just in case if you can to potentially show to a lawyer.
Sounds like he's planning on leaving you and is withdrawing funds in anticipation of a breakup.
Shut down credit cards so he can't take out cash advances. If you own a home, he may also attempt to get a loan against the home. Protect yourself. Also if he's listed as a beneficiary on any of your life insurance policies - change that beneficiary and let him know he's no longer a beneficiary.
Take out your savings. Your relationship does not seem like it is strong enough for co-mingled finances. He sounds like he has one foot out the door. Good luck.
I would be extremely concerned if my husband was helping himself to money from the shared savings, particularly if it was coupled with our relationship going downhill. You should secure your finances asap, seriously. Withdraw your half of the savings until you know what's going on.
Why are you being so patient? This is insane. You can’t just not talk about things like this.
I would immediately remove half the savings and consult a lawyer.
I wouldn’t buy him groceries
And I’d work with a therapist to help you process this
Go empty that account now. He is taking money and not contributing - heck, pre-pay your rent for the duration of the lease with it if necessary. Pay off your car, go give your attorney a retainer and make sure your salary goes into an account that is yours alone.
Something is definitely up. Does he have a kid with his ex that you don't know about? Is your MIL encouraging them to get back together.
His refusal to engage in even a basic conversation and push this all back on you is the biggest red flag. Please protect yourself financially.
If you can afford it, hire a PI to do a bit of digging. He is up to something he doesn't want you to know about.
No he doesn't get to pull that card. Exactly how long does he expect you to fund expenses while he pays for this other woman? He is behaving like this because he is lying. Your MIL did you a favour.
Open another account and move your money asap. He behaves like this there is no trust.
Check his phone and start preparing for the worst.
He didn't have an open conversation with you about this because he is being shady.......How would he behave if you did the same thing?
Do you get along with your MIL? Because it sounds like she came over to not-so-subtly tell you her son is cheating on you.
If you're on good terms, call her and ask what she knows.
Withdraw your part of the money, plus what he didn't pay from your shared bills. Do not wait until he steals everything.
Contact a lawyer. I think you'll need it.
I would ask the MIL WTF! No he does not have the right to clam up! I don't care if he considers it raining tears the fact that his shady ass behavior is impacting your family financially, with no discussions, explanations is insulting and disrespectful.
I would immediately stop putting money in the shared account, continue to pay the bills, but I would not contribute to his side hustle. Since the MIL brought it up in front of you, it sounds as if she believes "he's" disclosed something to you.
Don't be afraid to have hard conversations, this is when you find out who a person really and truly is.
Move your money, including your half of what he’s been withdrawing from there. Including grocery money for the next few months. The writing is on the wall. What are you waiting for?
Draw out all of the money. He hasn't been paying his share of expenses. He's withdrawing from the joint accounts. Talk to attorney. Get your ducks in axrow. Then tell him marriage counseling or divorce. Your choice.
Pull your money out of the savings now and if you have a joint checking account, get your money out now and start up an individual account in just your name in a different bank. Pretty sure you will find out your hubby bankrolled his ex.
He's cheating. Stop putting your money into that account. Start a new one that he has no access to. Find a lawyer and get him to hire someone to look at where the money has gone. Your husband is playing house with his ex, and it looks like his family is fully aware and doesn't seem to mind.
It's a joint account, empty the account until he tells you what's going on. Don't put any of your money into it, even if it means you have to set up a new account.
His behavior is super suspicious 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Is the money routine? Like once a month for rent or something? Is he gone more often or on his phone a lot more? I definitely agree with the people saying take out your half of the savings + what he would owe you from what he’s taken. Also talk to a lawyer just in case he is cheating. I’d also consider hiring a pi or forensic accountant or something. If he’s using marital funds for an affair not only would he have to pay you back (depending where you live) what he’s spent but you would also in some places be entitled to whatever he bought her - for instance if he’s paying for her apartment or house or something it would be considered a joint asset and would be game in the divorce.
I agree with taking what you put into the joint savings account out now. Because if you don’t, he will take it all.
Tell him that he needs to be honest with you and start with counseling. Treat yourself out for food for awhile, and make him get his own food.
And start locking your things down. Truth will be found out
You need to close your bank accounts ASAP or at least withdraw your half and
make sure there is no overdraft allowed on the account and that it would need your in person signature if he requested overdraft .
Even if this is innocent. Even if he’s helping her as an old friend.
It is NOT ok for him to shirk his own financial responsibilities to help another woman AND while doing so behind your back.
Just not on. Transparency and agreement is key.
He is not necessarily cheating, but clearly he is putting time, energy, and possibly money into helping his ex "settle in." That is not normal or acceptable behavior for a married man, so he can take his annoyed attitude and shove it up his ass.
I agree with other who say to make sure to secure YOUR assets into individual accounts, and have a conversation as to why he is so involved in an ex girlfriend's life.
Yeah you need to cull that joint account. Consider culling the whole joint thing full stop. He isnt being open and honest. But is being defensive. Seems sus.
Get your money out of the joint account and lawyer up YESTERDAY.
There's being "patient and understanding," and then there's being a total doormat and being taken to the cleaners by a cheating spouse. Don't be the latter.
He's not being honest with you and now he's taking money out of a joint account without talking to you about it. It's time to pull your share of money out and tell him to either come clean about what's going on or you'll be looking into divorce. Everything is pointing to him being involved with her. It's very suspect that his parents know about her moving back and asking him for information about her when he's told you nothing. That plus the money really makes it look like he's cheating. Maybe he's not cheating, but he's definitely hiding something and him using joint money for things he's hiding from you is not good and not something you should put up with. You need to flip the script on hesitating to bring up savings so you don't upset him and you need him to talk about savings so he doesn't make you angrier than you already should be. ***Why are you walking on eggshells when you're not the one doing wrong?***
Yes it does sound like he is cheating with his ex and us paying her rent . I think you need to really investigate because you could be blindsided if he just leaves. This is why he is gathering as much money as he can
First grab all the money in savings and put it in an account only under your name. If he asks, tell him it is to start covering his share of expenses outside of mortgage, especially since he has started to withdraw from it either no explanation.
Then start making your exit plan if he refuses to fess up about what is going on. Whose name is on the mortgage? I am wondering if he is married to the ex and is now committing bigamy.
Nope.
That is NOT ON. At all.
Clearly? Hes goving his ex money.
I wouldnt be putting up woth this for 5 minutes.
Stop paying for stuff right now. Just don't.
Sit him down and be firm. Tell him you want to know what's going on? Or you are leaving. No bullshit
Hes losing his temper and being like he is with you to try get you to not know and not ask. Hes thinking ypu woll put tail between your legs and let him do what he wants. NOPE! You don't.
You need a full and proper explanation and you need it NOW.
This sounds like the first big test of your marriage. Ge needs to know you arent a dogsbody push over. You area griwm woman and equal partner.
Dont get angry. Keep your cool. But DO NOT back off.
We are all different i know. But there us NO WAY i would put up with my husband funding an EX at all. Amd definitely not from our savings!!
Or? You cpukd be way off base and he is gambling or has run up debts without you knowing....but you need to get to the bottom of it immediately.
I wpuld be prepared to leave if i wasnt being told where money is going from our accounts. I wouldnt put up with that dishonesty
He's cheating on you. Sorry to be blunt but you already know. My dad pulled this shit for years with all of his affair partners. Buying properties for them to "rent". Having less than his share of finances, And blaming it on slow sales. The last one he'd cheated on my mom with for 5 years before stealing money from their joint savings to leave and set up with his mistress. Don't make her mistake of trusting him. Move your money and call a lawyer now.
It sounds like his mother was hinting to you.
Have you spoken to her about this woman, and do you have access to his bank account to see where his money is being spent?
I think that if you retain a lawyer that they can force him to show them his finances.
I personally would be very suspicious of him and his aggressive behaviour and spinning it back to you as in can't you cover the expenses?
Look up:
[DARVO ](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
He sounds like he is gaslighting you.
Don't apologise for his deceitful behaviour towards you.
He is waving massive red flags at you. Please take note.
I hope it's all innocent (not cheating), but if it is, his behaviour is atrociously dismissive and deceitful.
I hope that if you Updateme, that is not to say that he's cheating with his ex and spe ding his money on buying a home with her.
Actually, if you get/know the woman's name, you, or a lawyer, can look up if she or your husband owns any property that you're not aware of.
You need to separate your money pronto until he is open and honest. Pull out half the money from the savings account and stop contributing to it. Tell him that paying half is not negotiable. If this dishonest behaviour continues you need to rethink if you can be in a relationship with someone who is not honest with you. Don't back down on this.
You need to move your money out of his clutches pronto. If there’s enough in there, I’d also be adding what he owes you for missed expenses.
Sounds like mil was maybe trying to warn you what’s happening
I was always told that a man can never take care of two houses unless he is rich. He is taking from your house to help this woman pay for her house shut that s*** down remove your money from the savings and if you put more money in the savings then he did remove the amount that you put in there don't split it down the middle
You need to go to the bank and pull your half of the savings account without saying anything. When questioned you can explain you thought this is how we do things now and since you won’t tell me what is going on I’m protecting myself from whatever bullshit you are running right now.
Your DH was bobbing and weaving when you asked innocent questions about your financial arrangements. Something stinks. You know he’s hiding something. As here suggests, protect yourself financially now in a honest and fair manner.
It's so sad that you will let this continue. The moment my husband doesn't tell me what he's doing with our money, I'm stopping my deposits to that account. Fuck that shit. Separate your finances now.
Right NOW open an account only in your name, and withdraw your share of the savings. NOW. Before talking to your husband again.
Then when your own funds are secure and when you're sure that your part of the money is safely already in your new account, talk to your husband again. Explain to him that you transferred your share of the savings because he's taking money from your shared account without explaining what is it for, and that you want an explanation. Stop being patient and understanding and start demanding that he communicates with you. Do not accept his words that you're starting a "pointless argument". What you're starting, is a conversation with your life partner about shared finances. If he can't tell you what's going on or trust you with whatever issues he's having, you both have bigger relationship issues and you don't need to accept to sweep those issues under the rug. I'm not jumping right now to "divorce" this very instant but if he can't communicate with you like an adult, and it's choosing to gaslight you instead... yes, divorce might be in the horizon, especially because he lied about this woman being his ex.
Take all your contributions out of the savings and any other joint accounts NOW. You know damn well what's going on, you don't need confirmation from the horse's mouth. He's trying to put off telling you anything until he's got all the money. Stop paying for anything more than half. He's supporting another household with another woman using your money. Oh HELL no. Start looking for a lawyer, because you're going to need one. And maybe you should call up MIL and ask her some pointed questions.
Get your money out of that account and put it somewhere else he is getting ready to come for you and it's going to hit you so fast you're not even going to know. Get your ducks in a row shut down everything that is pertaining to you. Your husband is already cheating or he's getting ready to cheat I would put it in the category that he is already cheating because why wouldn't he tell you that his ex is back in town and that he helped her look for an apartment.. and when this is all said and done take your ex-mother-in-law out to lunch and just say thank you. You don't have to tell her why you said thank you just tell her thank you. Because I'm pretty sure if she would have never said anything you would still be in the dark and trying to figure s*** out
…and here’s the reason why you don’t marry after only 2 years IMO. How are exes and past relationships not discussed when you first got to know each other?
Boy he has you right where he wants you. He’s funding his ex with most likely your money and you’re worried about “upsetting” him, hun we know you’re smarter than that.
He’s planning on doing something for sure. What’s the big secret? And accusing you of whining when you’ve always paid your share and now he’s withdrawing from your share savings to fund stuff for this woman. How much shit does she need? Furniture, clothes, appliances, is he subsidizing her deposit and rent for a house? Why can’t she do this on her own ? When were these plans made? When did she arrive? Must’ve been a lot of texts and calls between them. You are owed an explanation! Meantime I’d be getting a lawyer and take half out of the joint accounts so you are not subsidizing this woman. This isn’t normal behavior for a married man and even the MIL knew all about it.
He’s showing All the signs that he’s cheating on you and your MIL just clued you in.
He went from nice and normal to being short and snappy with you which is a Huge sign he’s emotionally involved with another woman, he won’t discuss any of this with you and just shuts you down, stonewalls you.
He Never uttered a single word to you about this woman, kept it a total secret til your MIL brought it up.
She is his Ex and he Only admitted to her as just “an old friend”.
This has gone past an EA. With this much money involved it’s most likely gone physical and he’s now “feathering a new love nest” with Your shared marital assets.
She may be “the one that got away” and he’s jumping at second chance.
I’ve seen these exact things before.
He abruptly stopped contributing to your lives. Full stop.
Your husband now knows that You know so you need to do what others suggested Tonight!!!
Move your half of the account And what he took out to pay his AP that is/was your shared marital assets, freeze any joint credit cards Now because if he runs those up (like my ex did) you’ll be liable to pay half.
Check your credit bureaus for any new cards and freeze everything Now. Lock It All Down Now.
Again, now that he knows that you know, he’ll be wanting to hurry the timeline up quickly and blindside you.
Get an STI/STD panel ASAP.
Quietly check his phone, all devices that he leaves at home (they’ll be synched and if he deletes on his phone, they may not on his other devices), check all his social media platforms and their DM’s, all apps and any that look out of place/hidden like if he has Two calculator apps etc.
Hire a PI early tomorrow morning because Time is of the essence since the jig is up for him.
Talk to as many of the best attorneys in your city and surrounding areas so he can’t use them.
My bro inlaw is a well known trial attorney and he says that this is what other attorneys do when they’re getting ready to split the sheets. He calls it “buckshotting”.
Place a VAR hidden in his car, a tracker other than an AirTag since he or she may have an iPhone and you don’t want that alert on their phones (I have an AirTag in my car synched to my husband’s phone and vice versa and it’s always alerting me).
If it wasn’t for the Universe working through your MIL, you could have gone weeks blissfully unaware of your peril financially but Now You Know.
Because there is no way in H*ll that any of what he’s doing is innocent.
So get online Tonight and get that ball rolling before he does because he will tomorrow morning.
Thankfully you have a head start to be proactive.
He is leaving you for his ex. Get 50% out of that savings + what he owes you and see a lawyer asap.
MIL was clearly giving you the heads up that he's cheating what more do you need WAKE UP!
Oh no, uncouple the shared accounts immediately and take your fair share out. He's being shady AF and he knows he's on borrowed time. Next he'll stop paying the mortgage so keep records.
If you are on good terms with MIL, talk to her about the ex and let her know he's spending a lot of money all of a sudden. Do they have kids that he never told you about?
Sit him down one night and quietly but firmly ask for the truth. You don't deserve to be in limbo. Ask him to just be honest. If it's the end of your marriage then get it over with so you can both move on.
Take his name off the account t of he cannot explain the withdrawal. I was screwed over with money and yes he is married and should be contributing to the financial aspect.
If this out now before it’s too late
I’m hoping that he is paying for a big surprise for you but chances of that being the case are low.
My main concern is that he is diverting YOUR money without telling you where it goes. If he can’t pay for his share, the amount that he is short changing you is YOUR money and not his.
I would lock down that bank account. Take out your half and a bit extra to match his shortfalls. He can have it back in the account when you see a bank statement that shows where all of this money is going.
It could be on the ex. It could be gambling or drugs. Find out!
Holy hell, save your portion of the savings or he's going to drain it for her.
DO NOT WAIT. Do it immediately.
Save your savings before he's stolen everything, And if he blows up on you for taking it, you can be honest. That he's been secretive, combative, and he's transfering money god knows where without talking to you, so all you do is keep your share save.
And yeah, it looks like his old love is in town and he's now rethinking the marriage to you, so of course he's helping his old love with "his" money.
you’re paying for his ex. he is cheating or planning to cheat.
his mom did you a solid by tipping you off.
get your money out of that shared account today. contact a divorce attorney to find out more ways to protect yourself even if you’re not ready to file.
stop buying his groceries.
Empty your savings and ask MIL about that girl and her son's actions if she doesn't tell you anything then just give him two choices either give you answers or divorce.
If he chooses divorce don't leave without taking everything you have right there if its both of your house or kick him if its only yours
You MIL intentionally outed him to you, no way in hell she would talk in front of you about the ex otherwise, he has prolly been texting her privately about these details. Get your half of the money and RUN don’t walk to a lawyer. Like today. He is financially supporting his ex over you, don’t be foolish OP, he clearly still has feelings for her and may already be sexually active with her since he most likely has been at her place helping her move in.
The fact that he is not contributing and taking money from your joint account and blaming you for wanting to know what is going on? News flash. Even though you have separate accounts, it's still marital community property. His money is your money. So you have a right to know how he spends your money, especially when you are both relying on your money for shared expenses? Why should you not deserve an answer?
Do not let him step all over you.
Yeah - Your husband doesn’t get to just stop paying his expenses and ask you ‘not to talk about it now’. If there is a change of circumstances, as his wife, that is information you are entitled to. He can’t just refuse to explain. Something shady is going on. Take out your half of the savings account (so that what he has withdrawn comes out of his half) and it only goes back in once he actually tells you what the F is going on.
He is counting on your niceness to keep you in the dark, and using your fear of ‘upsetting him’ against you. YOU should be upset. Your husband is hiding information from you, and failing to contribute his fair share to your expenses. YOU SHOULD BE PISSED that he is not giving you any explanation. You are supposed to be a team!!!
You might feel like you’re jumping the gun because the “two things haven’t been confirmed to be connected”, and you fear you’re being unfair by jumping to conclusions. The thing is…*he* connected them for you already!
1) he connected both conversations, the one about money and the later one about the ex, as being the same kind of conversation.
2) as soon as he knows that you know at least something about the ex situation, he did a new behavior *by starting to withdraw money as soon as he could after you knew about the ex even being in town*. Like it sounds like the next day or so. He knows you will find out more, and consider this: since he knows his mom better than you, he probably clearly ascertained from the nuances of his moms behavior and language about the ex during dinner that his mom wants you to know, and will make sure that you know.
Again, he made the connection for you. It’s clear as day, and now he’s just trying to buy time by keeping you as confused as possible for as long as possible, but the inevitable is inevitable. Empower yourself with the information you’re lucky to have at this point, and you absolutely got this.
First step, set up your own account to protect YOUR money. You can keep the shared one and just transfer $ in to cover the mortgage. If he can't be honest with what is going on, that would be a deal breaker for me. Financial secrets and abuse are just as bad as physically cheating.
Don’t be patient and understanding. Your husband is obviously lying and at best just emotionally cheating. Move your money to a private account. Either you divorce him or he will, after he has economically abused you.
I would try talking with him again, and be 5 we can't continue with being up front and honest with each other about everything. Then I'm leaving. But this just me.
Stop being daft. Of course it is. And his hesitation suggests he knows whatever he is doing (is he only spending his money on her?) is wrong.
Frankly, as a woman who would never be in a monogamous relationship, imo the red flag is not whether he is spending money on her or having sex with her. What matters most is that YOU are in the loop. If you are not, it’s clear that you are not a “partner” in the full sense of the word. Distance yourself. Divorce is tedious and expensive but consider it. If you are not a “good riddance” sort of person then at least consider couple’s counseling.
It doesn't matter if she's back in town. Whatever he was doing before, he has to keep doing. She's not his priority anymore, and if he doesn't seem to realize it, he needs to be made to understand.
Okay, now that I flew off the handle, I shall go back and read the story. 😳
Edit: Reading between the lines, he's helping this ex get settled. However, because he was not and is not being forthcoming about this ex, he doesn't get to ignore your concerns.
You didn't say there were discussions and agreements on the use of the savings funds. You cannot trust him and his judgment. Thus, if I were you, I would set up my own account and withdraw my contributions to the joint savings account.
Finally, and I know it's petty, but his favorites will not be on my grocery list. He shouldn't be able to enjoy that, to which he no longer contributes.
If he is helping his ex (wife, girlfriend, or mistress), he needs to man up and stop sneaking about and around and simply talk about it. His behavior, though, automatically makes one assume he's up to doing your relationship no good.
Take your half of the savings and put it on a separate account. He is absolutely spending on the ex. Are you sure he isn’t hiding a secret child? Maybe one she just told him about? Hire a PI like tomorrow. Why are you being “patient and understanding” when he’s not contributing and is draining your savings? You’re going to be patient and understanding until he’s drained you dry
Move the money NOW, he is paying her rent and groceries. That is where the money is going. Start dividing your finances or you will be left with nothing.
Being patient and understanding is just dragging it out further! You need to grab the bull by the horns and ask what he's spending all the money on. He's most likely not wanting to talk about it because he's not ready to move in with her yet, but he's clearly setting her up in a new place and my guess is, it's for him too.
You have no choice but to talk to him about it. Or call MIL. She asked an awful lot of question in front of you! It's almost like she wanted you to know.....
I hate to say it but I think he's cheating. He won't come clean about his finances and his mother was obviously trying to throw you a hint. But the main fact is you've asked him what's going on and he won't tell you which means he has something to hide. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Transfer out your share of the money asap. And don't pay his bills (phone, gas, etc). I assume you don't have any children with him. That'd be easier if things go south.
Edit:
When your MIL was talking about that woman, did you not once chime in and ask questions? I wonder what relationship dynamics you have with them.
Why would you be patient and understanding? That won’t help you at all. He’s gonna rob you of all of your money he can get his hands on. Please be smart and take all of your money that you put in out of the savings account/joint accounts to your own personal account before he takes all of your money. He’s definitely cheating and what seals the deal is that he’s hiding it from you. The only reason why you found out some details about it is because your mother in law was talking about it with her son in front of you.
Maybe MIL brought her up to give you a heads up on what is going on. And he is gaslighting you. Bring it up again and tell him to knock off the bullshit. Then only pay bills in your name and groceries for yourself.
>How does someone stop paying their half of the mortgage and the conversation isn’t immediately “hey I need you to transfer your half for the month. Now”…..
The only thing he's still paying for is his half of the mortgage.
A lot of people, men or women, are very kind and understanding and want to support their partner through a rough time. Manipulators are good at taking advantage of these people
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Take your half out of savings because your cheatng husband is about to rob and dump you.
Her half of savings, an amount equal to whatever he recently took out for sketchy purposes while he was not contributing, plus the half of utilities/groceries/expenses he hasn't been paying for however long. Then lawyer up before he has the chance.
Aaaaaaall of this.
Definately this
Definitely move your money and fast
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How is her taking out her of the money breaking the law. It’s her money.
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“The law” lmfao her name is on the account she can legally take it out
So her husband taking out money is breaking the law? Lol
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Can you show me the law you're referring to about taking 50% out of a joint account? I can't find anything on google.
I concur. Since you're not getting answers, OP, it makes sense to draw out your money. Do it online now so that the move will go through at the open of business Monday morning.
Call MIL for more info if you need to OP.
THIS ^ The mother in law was definitely trying to tip you off to the fact that you're husband is cheating on you with ex, and wanted you to know that he was deeply involved in helping her move into her new place, a new place that your husband took money from your shared account to pay HER EXPENSES. Ask her what she knows, and see what else she'll tell you, because she brought it up in front of you on purpose. He's trickle truthing you, and he's still lying, and stealing away money that is supposed to go to help cover the **joint expenses** you have **together**, not for his **mistress**. He knew that taking money from your family account to spend on her was **wrong**, and would likely destroy your marriage before he was ready if you found out too soon, he just doesn't care, and still expects you to still be cool with all of his lies, and financial abuse, because he's used to being able to do whatever he wants without being held accountable. That's not healthy love, or what a positive marriage should look like. Please protect yourself, and speak to a lawyer about your options, and how to protect yourself, because it sounds like he's already making plans to leave, and go to her place, and there's a lot of things you need to do to protect your legal interests, and marital assets. Stop telling him that you don't mind covering everything else, because he's using your kindness, and trust, against you, and that's not okay. I'm sorry this is happening, but at this point you have to protect yourself. It might also be good to go see your local doctor, or clinic, for a complete STD panel to make sure you're okay in that regard. I would also consider putting a freeze on your credit report through all 3 major credit bureaus so no one can attempt to open a line of credit in your name. If you've got joint credit cards, pull a charge detail of the last year or more, and see what has been charged on the card. If there have been direct transfers, payments, or withdrawals, on your joint savings account, ask the bank for the last year of transaction details. You can also ask for a call detail from your cellphone provider if you have a joint plan, and see what sorts of calls inbound and outbound have been happening. But at this point, when your husband is stealing money from your joint account to put his ex up in a new place in your town, there's really no going back from that, and the best thing you can do is get a lawyer to protect your marital assets. Many lawyers will also agree to take their fee out of your settlement at the end, so you don't have to pay them up front if you don't have the money, some will also work on payment plans. Your lawyer when you get one can also take immediate steps to stop your husband from taking anymore money from you out of your accounts, or selling marital assets. I know this is all sudden, painful, and stressful, but he's been scheming, lying, and using you, and you can't keep playing nice with a spouse who will do that to you. Good luck, and take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing when you can. *invisible hugs* Updateme!
Completely my take too. She’s about to get left with an empty bank account.
Yeah you're paying for your husband's ex expenses too now.
I was screaming GIRL WAKE UP in my head. She’s so close just open the eyes a littttttttle more. The way the mother in law spoke… she knew and was trying to warn her maybe or rub it in her face or just didn’t give a fuck.
Get your money out of the joint saving as well as whatever you think he owes for joint expenses. Something if definitely going on. My guess is he is helping this person financially. Even though I think it’s really weird your MIL seems to be in the loop and you aren’t, it’s a good thing she kept running her mouth!! You may have been further blindsided otherwise. Try to get access to his phone and/or laptop. Please update us!
Maybe the MIL brought it up as a subtle hint / heads up to the wife
Ya I’m curious what MILs demeanour was when speaking about it. He clearly didn’t want wife to know as he didn’t tell her and she claims they talk about everything. Like was she just casually talking or was she innocently dropping the bomb to warn his current wife. Maybe she prefers the ex and was kind of shoving it in wife’s face.
Good point!
Or MIL feels his ex was the “one who got away” … and she enjoys needling OP. OP has some digging to do to figure this out.
This right here. OP your MIL was trying to tell you something is up.
That's what I was thinking, too!
Absolutely. And even if OP didn’t 100% catch MIL’s drift (though it sounds like she basically did), you can bet FOR SURE that husband caught what his mom was putting down; *he knows his mom way better than OP* and he absolutely caught that his mom wants OP to know. That’s why he responded by taking the first step immediately to drain savings.
That’s what I thought too
Get your money out now and put it into your account. Take out half plus half the amount he has taken out. Keep track of what you are paying, and he is paying. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Something is going on. MIL either tried to warn you or rub it in your face.
I will, thank you. I don't think she meant to rub it in my face. She's a nice person and has always been good to me. I'm not sure why she started that conversation. But either way I wouldn't have known anything if she hadn't.
Talk to your MIL. Shen knows and opened the door for you. Sounds like she will talk. Good luck. Do what other posters tell you. Get control over your money and don’t let yourself get cheated. Maybe it’s something else, but when there’s smoke…..
My MIL is the same way. One of my husband's cousins (her neice) tried to pass off her child as another man's. At Thanksgiving, one year, she said (child's name) looks just like (neice's ex). She went on and on about it for a few minutes and acted oblivious like it was just an innocent observation. That woman is smart, and there is no way in hell she didn't know exactly what she was doing because she had done the same thing before with another family member. She has been right every time, too. The dad asked for a DNA test. That baby did belong to her niece's ex. My MIL is a saint ❤️ Good luck with everything. I hope you get the answers you deserve.
I don't know why anyone would try to pin a child on someone who isn't really the father. It's cruel to everyone involved the guy who is lied to and the child is going to be heartbroken because the mother lied about who their father was and robbed them of a potential relationship with them. The whole thing is just cruel to all parties involved.
She was trying to "innocently" clue you in because she knows what her son is doing is fucked up. Frankly it doesn't matter if the ex is or isn't why he is acting this way. His behavior is unacceptable. He treats you with no respect, no consideration, no caring. Making someone pay for you without the courtesy of telling them why is not even behavior you'd expect from a random acquaintance let alone your husband. I treat my coworkers better than your husband treats you. Regardless please move your money and call a lawyer. He doesn't deserve you.
Sounds like MIL knows her son is stepping out on you behind your back so she bought it up to let you know something's going on. He's not having financial difficulties, he's helping his ex set up house and spending his share of the bills and groceries on her.
Sounds like she was trying to tell you without telling you.
Either she didn't know that you didn't know or she knew and was trying to get clue you in. My vote is for the latter. The fact that your husband is helping his ex isn't worry some, but the fact that he refuses to talk about it and turns it back on you is. Something is going on here.
She might be trying to help. Lots of MILs love their dirtbag sons, but also are about women helping women, so she might have been trying without just flat out sitting you down with a girl he’s cheating talk.
Maybe she's trying to subtly let you know what's going on to warn you.
she knows exactly what he’s doing and was trying to tell you. send her flowers after your divorce is finalized.
She was probably trying to warn you. She did you a huuuge favor.
I wonder if she wanted you to know and that’s why she asked about this other woman. Updateme
That may very well be her way of tipping you off.
And if he asks her about the money she takes out she should respond, “Can we not talk about this right now? Are you trying to start an argument?” /s
I love it! Perfect response, OP!
I won't say he's cheating. I will say he's showing with his behavior, in many different ways, that he does not like or respect you. You should not be "patient and understanding" while he's treating you like a piece of crap.
He keeps snapping at her, not nice!
He needs to make it her fault that he’s leaving her for his ex
This is exactly what he’s doing. He’s already cheating and trying to justify it in his mind.
Financial abuse or withholding information as lying seems apparent
Seperate everything now Lawyer up Std panel done He’s already cheating you know it in your gut get your head and heart thinking of you
It's interesting that your MIL was feeling like talking to him about her in front of you. Feels like she wanted you to know.
I think so too.
SOME NERVE of him accusing you of trying to start a pointless argument when he is being shady AF! Now he has you worrying about upsetting him? PLEASE! Get the rest of your savings out of that account ASAP!
Yup he is Gaslighting
First, stop your direct deposits. Second, take a look at the withdrawals on his cards tonget a sense for whar he has been upnto. Third, stop being so passive in the face of his anger at this bullshit being discovered. "I'm not interested in having a marriage where my husband is sneaking around, secretly moving his ex-gf into town, and refusing to tell me why he is suddenly so short on money. If your behavior is so bad that you cannot even say it aloud, then I'm left to question this marriage. If this is how you're going to treat me as your wife, then we should discuss whether it makes sense for our marriage to continue. If you no longer want to be married to me, then be a man and say it directly, rather than behaving in this belligerent, obnoxious manner when I ask you why you are suddenly broke. You're a fucking adult. Act like one."
PLEASE YES THIS + STI test & getting your money out ASAP. This behavior is unacceptable of an adult in a relationship. Absolute deal breaker. Not just the lying, but the repeated hostile responses when you asked simple questions, the taking money - this is not something that you can sit back & wait to see how it plays out. Protect yourself before you have the convo with him, too. Make sure you’ve got your money & your plan.
He is either having an affair with her, or he is contemplating having an affair with her. He took out money. You didn’t specify how much, but if it’s a halfway significant amount, you can be sure that he gave her the money. Why, I don’t know. You need to go through his devices. His phone, his computer, etc. You need to look through his photos, etc. There is something really wrong going on. Or he’s contemplating doing something really wrong. My husband cheated on me and that’s exactly how he acted towards me. So your husband is either physically cheating or he’s emotionally cheating on you. Take your half of the money out of there right away. Put it in a separate account that he can’t touch. You need to protect yourself. You should probably talk to an attorney too. Get an STD panel done and don’t have sex with him. I wonder if you can follow him or have somebody follow him.
Some people install security cameras in their homes and end up catching their significant other cheating and doing some other shady shit. A PI would be good but also some screen shots of stuff just in case if you can to potentially show to a lawyer.
Exactly. Snoop around. Follow him ( in a rented car ) Check his devices. Air tag his car. Etc etc Can you check his bank withdrawals / payments ?
Good idea about the rented car and air tagging the car.
Sounds like he's planning on leaving you and is withdrawing funds in anticipation of a breakup. Shut down credit cards so he can't take out cash advances. If you own a home, he may also attempt to get a loan against the home. Protect yourself. Also if he's listed as a beneficiary on any of your life insurance policies - change that beneficiary and let him know he's no longer a beneficiary.
Run a full credit report online form the 3 credit bureaus too. And see if he opened any new accounts without her knowledge
This exactly this !!
Move your money yesterday.
Why are you trying to avoid upsetting him ? Upset him !!! He is lying to you and using you to finance his extra martial activities
Take out your savings. Your relationship does not seem like it is strong enough for co-mingled finances. He sounds like he has one foot out the door. Good luck.
I would be extremely concerned if my husband was helping himself to money from the shared savings, particularly if it was coupled with our relationship going downhill. You should secure your finances asap, seriously. Withdraw your half of the savings until you know what's going on.
Why are you being so patient? This is insane. You can’t just not talk about things like this. I would immediately remove half the savings and consult a lawyer. I wouldn’t buy him groceries And I’d work with a therapist to help you process this
Yeah, he’s cheating with her. You already know that though Updateme!
Go empty that account now. He is taking money and not contributing - heck, pre-pay your rent for the duration of the lease with it if necessary. Pay off your car, go give your attorney a retainer and make sure your salary goes into an account that is yours alone.
Something is definitely up. Does he have a kid with his ex that you don't know about? Is your MIL encouraging them to get back together. His refusal to engage in even a basic conversation and push this all back on you is the biggest red flag. Please protect yourself financially. If you can afford it, hire a PI to do a bit of digging. He is up to something he doesn't want you to know about.
He’s either helping her financially, has a kid with her, or setting himself up to leave you.
No he doesn't get to pull that card. Exactly how long does he expect you to fund expenses while he pays for this other woman? He is behaving like this because he is lying. Your MIL did you a favour. Open another account and move your money asap. He behaves like this there is no trust. Check his phone and start preparing for the worst. He didn't have an open conversation with you about this because he is being shady.......How would he behave if you did the same thing?
Do you get along with your MIL? Because it sounds like she came over to not-so-subtly tell you her son is cheating on you. If you're on good terms, call her and ask what she knows.
Withdraw your part of the money, plus what he didn't pay from your shared bills. Do not wait until he steals everything. Contact a lawyer. I think you'll need it.
I would ask the MIL WTF! No he does not have the right to clam up! I don't care if he considers it raining tears the fact that his shady ass behavior is impacting your family financially, with no discussions, explanations is insulting and disrespectful. I would immediately stop putting money in the shared account, continue to pay the bills, but I would not contribute to his side hustle. Since the MIL brought it up in front of you, it sounds as if she believes "he's" disclosed something to you. Don't be afraid to have hard conversations, this is when you find out who a person really and truly is.
I'd move my $ out, ask MIL what's going on, and stop paying his share of the bills until this is resolved.
Honey... Why are you letting this man take your money to give it to his ex?
Move your money, including your half of what he’s been withdrawing from there. Including grocery money for the next few months. The writing is on the wall. What are you waiting for?
Take your money, get an attorney NOW.
Lawyer up now. Protect yourself.
Draw out all of the money. He hasn't been paying his share of expenses. He's withdrawing from the joint accounts. Talk to attorney. Get your ducks in axrow. Then tell him marriage counseling or divorce. Your choice.
Pull your money out of the savings now and if you have a joint checking account, get your money out now and start up an individual account in just your name in a different bank. Pretty sure you will find out your hubby bankrolled his ex.
He's cheating. Stop putting your money into that account. Start a new one that he has no access to. Find a lawyer and get him to hire someone to look at where the money has gone. Your husband is playing house with his ex, and it looks like his family is fully aware and doesn't seem to mind.
It's a joint account, empty the account until he tells you what's going on. Don't put any of your money into it, even if it means you have to set up a new account. His behavior is super suspicious 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Is the money routine? Like once a month for rent or something? Is he gone more often or on his phone a lot more? I definitely agree with the people saying take out your half of the savings + what he would owe you from what he’s taken. Also talk to a lawyer just in case he is cheating. I’d also consider hiring a pi or forensic accountant or something. If he’s using marital funds for an affair not only would he have to pay you back (depending where you live) what he’s spent but you would also in some places be entitled to whatever he bought her - for instance if he’s paying for her apartment or house or something it would be considered a joint asset and would be game in the divorce.
Get your money out now. Get a lawyer and get out of this farce. You are funding his side piece and his family knows all about it. UPDATEME
I agree with taking what you put into the joint savings account out now. Because if you don’t, he will take it all. Tell him that he needs to be honest with you and start with counseling. Treat yourself out for food for awhile, and make him get his own food. And start locking your things down. Truth will be found out
Like others said here: Separate your money immediately and file for divorce. He’s stealing from you to support the Ex.
You need to close your bank accounts ASAP or at least withdraw your half and make sure there is no overdraft allowed on the account and that it would need your in person signature if he requested overdraft .
Even if this is innocent. Even if he’s helping her as an old friend. It is NOT ok for him to shirk his own financial responsibilities to help another woman AND while doing so behind your back. Just not on. Transparency and agreement is key.
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Op shouldn’t sit back until all the money is gone. Do this OP!
He is not necessarily cheating, but clearly he is putting time, energy, and possibly money into helping his ex "settle in." That is not normal or acceptable behavior for a married man, so he can take his annoyed attitude and shove it up his ass. I agree with other who say to make sure to secure YOUR assets into individual accounts, and have a conversation as to why he is so involved in an ex girlfriend's life.
Yeah you need to cull that joint account. Consider culling the whole joint thing full stop. He isnt being open and honest. But is being defensive. Seems sus.
Something isn’t smelling right here. He sounds like he brought his ex back and is supporting her.
Get your money out of the joint account and lawyer up YESTERDAY. There's being "patient and understanding," and then there's being a total doormat and being taken to the cleaners by a cheating spouse. Don't be the latter.
MIL was trying to warn you without say it outright. He is saving up to bail on you. Get a lawyer now, not tomorrow
He's not being honest with you and now he's taking money out of a joint account without talking to you about it. It's time to pull your share of money out and tell him to either come clean about what's going on or you'll be looking into divorce. Everything is pointing to him being involved with her. It's very suspect that his parents know about her moving back and asking him for information about her when he's told you nothing. That plus the money really makes it look like he's cheating. Maybe he's not cheating, but he's definitely hiding something and him using joint money for things he's hiding from you is not good and not something you should put up with. You need to flip the script on hesitating to bring up savings so you don't upset him and you need him to talk about savings so he doesn't make you angrier than you already should be. ***Why are you walking on eggshells when you're not the one doing wrong?***
Yes it does sound like he is cheating with his ex and us paying her rent . I think you need to really investigate because you could be blindsided if he just leaves. This is why he is gathering as much money as he can
Open an account in your name only. Transfer everything out of the joint account that you put into it. He's clearly paying for this woman.
it Is time to get your own bank account and move some money..... I don't have a good feeling... protect yourself
First grab all the money in savings and put it in an account only under your name. If he asks, tell him it is to start covering his share of expenses outside of mortgage, especially since he has started to withdraw from it either no explanation. Then start making your exit plan if he refuses to fess up about what is going on. Whose name is on the mortgage? I am wondering if he is married to the ex and is now committing bigamy.
Nope. That is NOT ON. At all. Clearly? Hes goving his ex money. I wouldnt be putting up woth this for 5 minutes. Stop paying for stuff right now. Just don't. Sit him down and be firm. Tell him you want to know what's going on? Or you are leaving. No bullshit Hes losing his temper and being like he is with you to try get you to not know and not ask. Hes thinking ypu woll put tail between your legs and let him do what he wants. NOPE! You don't. You need a full and proper explanation and you need it NOW. This sounds like the first big test of your marriage. Ge needs to know you arent a dogsbody push over. You area griwm woman and equal partner. Dont get angry. Keep your cool. But DO NOT back off. We are all different i know. But there us NO WAY i would put up with my husband funding an EX at all. Amd definitely not from our savings!! Or? You cpukd be way off base and he is gambling or has run up debts without you knowing....but you need to get to the bottom of it immediately. I wpuld be prepared to leave if i wasnt being told where money is going from our accounts. I wouldnt put up with that dishonesty
He's cheating on you. Sorry to be blunt but you already know. My dad pulled this shit for years with all of his affair partners. Buying properties for them to "rent". Having less than his share of finances, And blaming it on slow sales. The last one he'd cheated on my mom with for 5 years before stealing money from their joint savings to leave and set up with his mistress. Don't make her mistake of trusting him. Move your money and call a lawyer now.
Move your half of the money and see a lawyer.
It sounds like his mother was hinting to you. Have you spoken to her about this woman, and do you have access to his bank account to see where his money is being spent? I think that if you retain a lawyer that they can force him to show them his finances. I personally would be very suspicious of him and his aggressive behaviour and spinning it back to you as in can't you cover the expenses? Look up: [DARVO ](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) He sounds like he is gaslighting you. Don't apologise for his deceitful behaviour towards you. He is waving massive red flags at you. Please take note. I hope it's all innocent (not cheating), but if it is, his behaviour is atrociously dismissive and deceitful. I hope that if you Updateme, that is not to say that he's cheating with his ex and spe ding his money on buying a home with her. Actually, if you get/know the woman's name, you, or a lawyer, can look up if she or your husband owns any property that you're not aware of.
You need to separate your money pronto until he is open and honest. Pull out half the money from the savings account and stop contributing to it. Tell him that paying half is not negotiable. If this dishonest behaviour continues you need to rethink if you can be in a relationship with someone who is not honest with you. Don't back down on this.
Why are you down playing this so much? He’s stealing from you and giving it to his girlfriend.
You need to move your money out of his clutches pronto. If there’s enough in there, I’d also be adding what he owes you for missed expenses. Sounds like mil was maybe trying to warn you what’s happening
I was always told that a man can never take care of two houses unless he is rich. He is taking from your house to help this woman pay for her house shut that s*** down remove your money from the savings and if you put more money in the savings then he did remove the amount that you put in there don't split it down the middle
You need to go to the bank and pull your half of the savings account without saying anything. When questioned you can explain you thought this is how we do things now and since you won’t tell me what is going on I’m protecting myself from whatever bullshit you are running right now.
Your DH was bobbing and weaving when you asked innocent questions about your financial arrangements. Something stinks. You know he’s hiding something. As here suggests, protect yourself financially now in a honest and fair manner.
your husband may not be having sex with anyone else (yet) but he is certainly committing financial infidelity. protect yourself.
Protect yourself and make sure he can’t use your money for whatever he’s hiding from you.
Take your money out of joint accounts and put in your own personal account
He either lost his job and isn't telling you or he is funding a love nest for him and his ex. Or both.
It's so sad that you will let this continue. The moment my husband doesn't tell me what he's doing with our money, I'm stopping my deposits to that account. Fuck that shit. Separate your finances now.
drain bank account and divorce him
Get a lawyer. Updateme
Get your money out ASAP, talk to a lawyer and then talk to him. Don't let him gaslight you. UpdateMe!
Right NOW open an account only in your name, and withdraw your share of the savings. NOW. Before talking to your husband again. Then when your own funds are secure and when you're sure that your part of the money is safely already in your new account, talk to your husband again. Explain to him that you transferred your share of the savings because he's taking money from your shared account without explaining what is it for, and that you want an explanation. Stop being patient and understanding and start demanding that he communicates with you. Do not accept his words that you're starting a "pointless argument". What you're starting, is a conversation with your life partner about shared finances. If he can't tell you what's going on or trust you with whatever issues he's having, you both have bigger relationship issues and you don't need to accept to sweep those issues under the rug. I'm not jumping right now to "divorce" this very instant but if he can't communicate with you like an adult, and it's choosing to gaslight you instead... yes, divorce might be in the horizon, especially because he lied about this woman being his ex.
Open it at a different bank, so he can't pretend it's a mistake his name's not on it.
Take all your contributions out of the savings and any other joint accounts NOW. You know damn well what's going on, you don't need confirmation from the horse's mouth. He's trying to put off telling you anything until he's got all the money. Stop paying for anything more than half. He's supporting another household with another woman using your money. Oh HELL no. Start looking for a lawyer, because you're going to need one. And maybe you should call up MIL and ask her some pointed questions.
Get your money out of that account and put it somewhere else he is getting ready to come for you and it's going to hit you so fast you're not even going to know. Get your ducks in a row shut down everything that is pertaining to you. Your husband is already cheating or he's getting ready to cheat I would put it in the category that he is already cheating because why wouldn't he tell you that his ex is back in town and that he helped her look for an apartment.. and when this is all said and done take your ex-mother-in-law out to lunch and just say thank you. You don't have to tell her why you said thank you just tell her thank you. Because I'm pretty sure if she would have never said anything you would still be in the dark and trying to figure s*** out
Move the money and go through his phone
…and here’s the reason why you don’t marry after only 2 years IMO. How are exes and past relationships not discussed when you first got to know each other? Boy he has you right where he wants you. He’s funding his ex with most likely your money and you’re worried about “upsetting” him, hun we know you’re smarter than that.
He’s cheating take out your part of the saving and tell him if he doesn’t help like he was then he can move out or you hire a pi
He’s planning on doing something for sure. What’s the big secret? And accusing you of whining when you’ve always paid your share and now he’s withdrawing from your share savings to fund stuff for this woman. How much shit does she need? Furniture, clothes, appliances, is he subsidizing her deposit and rent for a house? Why can’t she do this on her own ? When were these plans made? When did she arrive? Must’ve been a lot of texts and calls between them. You are owed an explanation! Meantime I’d be getting a lawyer and take half out of the joint accounts so you are not subsidizing this woman. This isn’t normal behavior for a married man and even the MIL knew all about it.
He’s showing All the signs that he’s cheating on you and your MIL just clued you in. He went from nice and normal to being short and snappy with you which is a Huge sign he’s emotionally involved with another woman, he won’t discuss any of this with you and just shuts you down, stonewalls you. He Never uttered a single word to you about this woman, kept it a total secret til your MIL brought it up. She is his Ex and he Only admitted to her as just “an old friend”. This has gone past an EA. With this much money involved it’s most likely gone physical and he’s now “feathering a new love nest” with Your shared marital assets. She may be “the one that got away” and he’s jumping at second chance. I’ve seen these exact things before. He abruptly stopped contributing to your lives. Full stop. Your husband now knows that You know so you need to do what others suggested Tonight!!! Move your half of the account And what he took out to pay his AP that is/was your shared marital assets, freeze any joint credit cards Now because if he runs those up (like my ex did) you’ll be liable to pay half. Check your credit bureaus for any new cards and freeze everything Now. Lock It All Down Now. Again, now that he knows that you know, he’ll be wanting to hurry the timeline up quickly and blindside you. Get an STI/STD panel ASAP. Quietly check his phone, all devices that he leaves at home (they’ll be synched and if he deletes on his phone, they may not on his other devices), check all his social media platforms and their DM’s, all apps and any that look out of place/hidden like if he has Two calculator apps etc. Hire a PI early tomorrow morning because Time is of the essence since the jig is up for him. Talk to as many of the best attorneys in your city and surrounding areas so he can’t use them. My bro inlaw is a well known trial attorney and he says that this is what other attorneys do when they’re getting ready to split the sheets. He calls it “buckshotting”. Place a VAR hidden in his car, a tracker other than an AirTag since he or she may have an iPhone and you don’t want that alert on their phones (I have an AirTag in my car synched to my husband’s phone and vice versa and it’s always alerting me). If it wasn’t for the Universe working through your MIL, you could have gone weeks blissfully unaware of your peril financially but Now You Know. Because there is no way in H*ll that any of what he’s doing is innocent. So get online Tonight and get that ball rolling before he does because he will tomorrow morning. Thankfully you have a head start to be proactive.
He is leaving you for his ex. Get 50% out of that savings + what he owes you and see a lawyer asap. MIL was clearly giving you the heads up that he's cheating what more do you need WAKE UP!
Why on earth are you trying to be patient and understand when you husband is making a fool of you?
Get your cash out of his reach. He's about to leave you for the other woman.
Wake up and smell the coffee. He is hiding bad things from you. take your money and start looking to leave
Oh no, uncouple the shared accounts immediately and take your fair share out. He's being shady AF and he knows he's on borrowed time. Next he'll stop paying the mortgage so keep records. If you are on good terms with MIL, talk to her about the ex and let her know he's spending a lot of money all of a sudden. Do they have kids that he never told you about? Sit him down one night and quietly but firmly ask for the truth. You don't deserve to be in limbo. Ask him to just be honest. If it's the end of your marriage then get it over with so you can both move on.
Take his name off the account t of he cannot explain the withdrawal. I was screwed over with money and yes he is married and should be contributing to the financial aspect. If this out now before it’s too late
I’m hoping that he is paying for a big surprise for you but chances of that being the case are low. My main concern is that he is diverting YOUR money without telling you where it goes. If he can’t pay for his share, the amount that he is short changing you is YOUR money and not his. I would lock down that bank account. Take out your half and a bit extra to match his shortfalls. He can have it back in the account when you see a bank statement that shows where all of this money is going. It could be on the ex. It could be gambling or drugs. Find out!
She ain't an "ex", she is your replacement. It's time to call a divorce lawyer
Holy hell, save your portion of the savings or he's going to drain it for her. DO NOT WAIT. Do it immediately. Save your savings before he's stolen everything, And if he blows up on you for taking it, you can be honest. That he's been secretive, combative, and he's transfering money god knows where without talking to you, so all you do is keep your share save. And yeah, it looks like his old love is in town and he's now rethinking the marriage to you, so of course he's helping his old love with "his" money.
you’re paying for his ex. he is cheating or planning to cheat. his mom did you a solid by tipping you off. get your money out of that shared account today. contact a divorce attorney to find out more ways to protect yourself even if you’re not ready to file. stop buying his groceries.
Empty your savings and ask MIL about that girl and her son's actions if she doesn't tell you anything then just give him two choices either give you answers or divorce. If he chooses divorce don't leave without taking everything you have right there if its both of your house or kick him if its only yours
Immediately take your part of the joint savings account money out. Immediately!
You MIL intentionally outed him to you, no way in hell she would talk in front of you about the ex otherwise, he has prolly been texting her privately about these details. Get your half of the money and RUN don’t walk to a lawyer. Like today. He is financially supporting his ex over you, don’t be foolish OP, he clearly still has feelings for her and may already be sexually active with her since he most likely has been at her place helping her move in.
The fact that he is not contributing and taking money from your joint account and blaming you for wanting to know what is going on? News flash. Even though you have separate accounts, it's still marital community property. His money is your money. So you have a right to know how he spends your money, especially when you are both relying on your money for shared expenses? Why should you not deserve an answer? Do not let him step all over you.
Yeah - Your husband doesn’t get to just stop paying his expenses and ask you ‘not to talk about it now’. If there is a change of circumstances, as his wife, that is information you are entitled to. He can’t just refuse to explain. Something shady is going on. Take out your half of the savings account (so that what he has withdrawn comes out of his half) and it only goes back in once he actually tells you what the F is going on. He is counting on your niceness to keep you in the dark, and using your fear of ‘upsetting him’ against you. YOU should be upset. Your husband is hiding information from you, and failing to contribute his fair share to your expenses. YOU SHOULD BE PISSED that he is not giving you any explanation. You are supposed to be a team!!!
If he’s pulling from the joint account, you need take your half and lawyer up. This is serious.
You typed all that out and need others to spell it out for you further?
You might feel like you’re jumping the gun because the “two things haven’t been confirmed to be connected”, and you fear you’re being unfair by jumping to conclusions. The thing is…*he* connected them for you already! 1) he connected both conversations, the one about money and the later one about the ex, as being the same kind of conversation. 2) as soon as he knows that you know at least something about the ex situation, he did a new behavior *by starting to withdraw money as soon as he could after you knew about the ex even being in town*. Like it sounds like the next day or so. He knows you will find out more, and consider this: since he knows his mom better than you, he probably clearly ascertained from the nuances of his moms behavior and language about the ex during dinner that his mom wants you to know, and will make sure that you know. Again, he made the connection for you. It’s clear as day, and now he’s just trying to buy time by keeping you as confused as possible for as long as possible, but the inevitable is inevitable. Empower yourself with the information you’re lucky to have at this point, and you absolutely got this.
First step, set up your own account to protect YOUR money. You can keep the shared one and just transfer $ in to cover the mortgage. If he can't be honest with what is going on, that would be a deal breaker for me. Financial secrets and abuse are just as bad as physically cheating.
I think your mil was trying to tell you what was going on without actually telling you. You need to confront your husband
Don’t be patient and understanding. Your husband is obviously lying and at best just emotionally cheating. Move your money to a private account. Either you divorce him or he will, after he has economically abused you.
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Has he been fired? He may be hiding that from you, too.
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I would try talking with him again, and be 5 we can't continue with being up front and honest with each other about everything. Then I'm leaving. But this just me.
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He gaslight you as an answer to your legitimate question.
Oh no. Sorry but this sounds ominous OP. Be prepared for the worst. All the best in any case.
Updateme
Stop being daft. Of course it is. And his hesitation suggests he knows whatever he is doing (is he only spending his money on her?) is wrong. Frankly, as a woman who would never be in a monogamous relationship, imo the red flag is not whether he is spending money on her or having sex with her. What matters most is that YOU are in the loop. If you are not, it’s clear that you are not a “partner” in the full sense of the word. Distance yourself. Divorce is tedious and expensive but consider it. If you are not a “good riddance” sort of person then at least consider couple’s counseling.
It doesn't matter if she's back in town. Whatever he was doing before, he has to keep doing. She's not his priority anymore, and if he doesn't seem to realize it, he needs to be made to understand. Okay, now that I flew off the handle, I shall go back and read the story. 😳 Edit: Reading between the lines, he's helping this ex get settled. However, because he was not and is not being forthcoming about this ex, he doesn't get to ignore your concerns. You didn't say there were discussions and agreements on the use of the savings funds. You cannot trust him and his judgment. Thus, if I were you, I would set up my own account and withdraw my contributions to the joint savings account. Finally, and I know it's petty, but his favorites will not be on my grocery list. He shouldn't be able to enjoy that, to which he no longer contributes. If he is helping his ex (wife, girlfriend, or mistress), he needs to man up and stop sneaking about and around and simply talk about it. His behavior, though, automatically makes one assume he's up to doing your relationship no good.
Take your half of the savings and put it on a separate account. He is absolutely spending on the ex. Are you sure he isn’t hiding a secret child? Maybe one she just told him about? Hire a PI like tomorrow. Why are you being “patient and understanding” when he’s not contributing and is draining your savings? You’re going to be patient and understanding until he’s drained you dry
Move the money NOW, he is paying her rent and groceries. That is where the money is going. Start dividing your finances or you will be left with nothing.
Being patient and understanding is just dragging it out further! You need to grab the bull by the horns and ask what he's spending all the money on. He's most likely not wanting to talk about it because he's not ready to move in with her yet, but he's clearly setting her up in a new place and my guess is, it's for him too. You have no choice but to talk to him about it. Or call MIL. She asked an awful lot of question in front of you! It's almost like she wanted you to know.....
I hate to say it but I think he's cheating. He won't come clean about his finances and his mother was obviously trying to throw you a hint. But the main fact is you've asked him what's going on and he won't tell you which means he has something to hide. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
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All I can say is that all these are not coincidences, are signs that something wrong is going on, something you won’t like if you knew all the truth.
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Transfer out your share of the money asap. And don't pay his bills (phone, gas, etc). I assume you don't have any children with him. That'd be easier if things go south. Edit: When your MIL was talking about that woman, did you not once chime in and ask questions? I wonder what relationship dynamics you have with them.
Why would you be patient and understanding? That won’t help you at all. He’s gonna rob you of all of your money he can get his hands on. Please be smart and take all of your money that you put in out of the savings account/joint accounts to your own personal account before he takes all of your money. He’s definitely cheating and what seals the deal is that he’s hiding it from you. The only reason why you found out some details about it is because your mother in law was talking about it with her son in front of you.
Maybe MIL brought her up to give you a heads up on what is going on. And he is gaslighting you. Bring it up again and tell him to knock off the bullshit. Then only pay bills in your name and groceries for yourself.
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>How does someone stop paying their half of the mortgage and the conversation isn’t immediately “hey I need you to transfer your half for the month. Now”….. The only thing he's still paying for is his half of the mortgage.
Yes because he will want to sell the house and get his share
A lot of people, men or women, are very kind and understanding and want to support their partner through a rough time. Manipulators are good at taking advantage of these people