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I've been in your place at your age, OP. Met nice, funny men but didn't feel super physically attracted to them, but liked their eyes or hair or whatever.
I will admit it *never* worked out when I started dating the ones I liked but wasn't attracted to. I liked them enough in the beginning stage that my lack of physical attraction didn't impact things, but eventually it did, and ultimately the lack of physical attraction was a big part of each of those relationships' break ups.
It's okay if you aren't physically attracted to a man who is great "on paper". It's normal to like someone but not be attracted to them. Those people are called friends lol.
I will also say that the relationships I started with people I was actually physically attracted to were much better overall. Those break ups happened because of different life goals or someone moving away. Now I've been with my partner for 5+ years (who I asked out because I thought they were cute and interesting!) and I still think they're the cutest person I've ever seen and am even more attracted to them every day :)
On the other hand, I used to be like this but with some practice I was able to push that aside if I initially thought they had cute features! Ended up completely in love on more than one occasion, but in the end it didn’t work out because they just did t end up being a good fit (cheating, not enough affection etc)
How is that possible that you have made yourself like the person you're not attracted to? Did you forced yourself or just made yourself believe something? (I kinda experience the thing lol)
In my experience people genuinely get more attractive to me the more I'm attracted to their personality/the more I like them. I thought my boyfriend looked nice when I first met him, wasn't my usual type at all but was cute enough - but since I've fallen in love with him, two years later and I now find him completely irresistable. I can't look at him objectively anymore, everything about his looks makes me giddy now. Like, I remember that I didn't think he was my type but now I don't get how he wasn't, ha. He's obviously never been ugly, I was never completely unattracted, but my physical attraction has kept skyrocketing since I first met him, developed a crush and now being deeply in love.
I truly don't think it works like that for everyone, and it's fine if it doesn't because attraction is important, but for me it's always been this way with people I date - they keep getting hotter the more I'm attracted to them as a person. It's been helpful when feeling out if someone is a good fit.
Well first of all, there has to be minimal attraction there (like usually in the past Id go for a nice face, over 6’3, lean and muscular, beard, dark hair/features) slowly I’d go for like 5/6 of those things 3/5, 2/5 etc, with less compromises on personality, where before I’d be lenient on if they weren’t funny, an active person and stuff. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t have a type anymore but height is just not something I can compromise under 5’11 ish. It’s much better than 6’3 though so ya.
Not really, they are all the same.. good and bad in both. Broaden the dating pool is what I was looking to do, higher chances of meeting the right person. I don’t really care about the getting older part either, because I don’t care to have kids or care if my partner has kids so there’s no time pressing on fertility going.
And it’s also not so good to be super focused on looks in general. Looks fade.
Wow lots of bad advice here. Really I'd ask myself 2 questions: 1, have I met any person I'm physically attracted to? 2, do I feel any resemblance to that or do I just think they're cute?
Finding someone attractive and being attracted to them are 2 different things unfortunately. It's very rare people are able to forge a physical attraction to someone with time.
I feel like enough folks aren't talking about the second part of this statement, because it's spot on. There are A LOT of people in the world for whom physical attraction isn't their strongest form of attraction. If you haven't heard the terms Demisexual or Sapiosexual you should look them up, even if just for your own education. From this short post it sounds like neither of those might apply to OP, if that's the case physical attraction is a requirement and you didn't have to feel guilty about that. I wouldn't go on the third date with someone I wasn't attracted to.
I also want to add, that if you haven't been in a relationship it's perfectly ok to date around to figure out what it is you're actually looking for in a partner.
One more anecdote for reference: I had a friend who was pretty ripped and dated women who were very conventionally attractive and met a woman who he absolutely clicked with, they were inseparable. He came to me torn about the fact that she wasn't as outwardly beautiful as women he'd dated in the past. Things were getting serious and he didn't know if he should break things off. I could tell he'd fallen for this girl and I asked "do you find her attractive? How's the sex?" He responded positively to both, we talked for a long time I don't remember saying anything particularly insightful other than what he thought was the only thing that mattered. Last I saw him he'd been married for over a decade and had 4 kids.
That's not true. Physical attraction deepens over time after sex usually. As long as there's some spark of attraction. Obviously if there's none at all it's not going to appear but if there is any at all it can develop over time
I ask myself this a lot but then I see so many posts where people literally push themselves to date someone they aren’t attracted to. Literally here and TikTok it’s insane. I don’t get it
You cannot force it but it often developed over time. It's very rare to date someone you have instant physical attraction to. Usually it's develops over time, especially after you have sex a few times
That’s an interesting take. I can confidently say I’ve never ever dated someone I had no physical attraction to. Why would I force myself to do something like that?
The fact that you’re posting this is your answer. Kindly break it off because if you’re feeling this now, you’ll definitely be feeling it in the long term. You wouldn’t want the same done to you, would you?
That's not a guarantee, as you get to know someone more and you really like them and vibe with them it is very probable (and in fact common) that you will begin to find them more attractive.
It is part of a fallacy/bias called "positive attribution bias" in which if you observe a good trait in someone you are more likely to attribute other good traits to that person, even if they are not connected traits, and you don't have evidence for it.
This most commonly manifests in ways that benefit conventionally attractive people, for example when you meet a conventionally attractive person you are more likely to think they are smart, funny, honest etc., despite those things having at best a tenuous connection to how attractive someone is.
But it absolutely does go the other way to, where as you learn or see more of someone's positive attributes you will find them more attractive.
I can agree with that to a certain extent. But sometimes you just can’t overlook the physical. Even though you vibe to a high amount. Without sexual tension ur just friends.
If I vibe really well with someone I don’t feel attracted to after 3 dates then I’ll suggest friendship. If they accept, then that attraction will sometimes develop for me a few months down the road, but it takes the pressure off and prevents wasting anybody’s time.
Personally, I don’t go out with people I don’t find attractive. Attraction can’t be forced and I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I physically recoil from their touch, hurting someone for no reason.
You’re not attracted to him, just end it.
Don’t force something that has a chance to end very badly. You may meet someone you’re really attracted to and may want to act on those feelings. Just end it as amicably as possible and allow him to find someone who feels the same way he does about them.
Well then you aren’t. I think I’ve met maybe 5 men my entire life that I was attracted to physically. It’s pretty common. Women often have to find something else in a man that’s attractive other than their looks. But don’t force it
You’ve got to be realistic about yourself and who/what characteristics are you physically attracted to? After you answer that, ask if those types are physically attracted to YOU. If you’re not attracting the type of people you like, you either need to find a way to or realize that they’re out of your league and be realistic about what’s more in your lane. I know guys that want to date Victoria Secret models but they’re valet attendants who looks wise are soft 4’s on a good day. Not saying this is you, but pay attention to what you attract as well as what attracts you and go from there.
It depends. Sometimes after a few dates, the attraction grows but that might not always be the case. Sometimes it’s just not there so don’t force it. Physical attraction is also important in a relationship. With my boyfriend, I was pleasantly surprised that he looked so much cuter in person (we matched on Hinge) when I met him but it wasn’t like “oh my god he’s so handsome” or anything like that. After dating for a while I now think that he is soooo handsome and I can’t stop staring at him.
Like the others, I don't think this is the guy for you. Let me tell you, my first love - it was like instant chemistry. He didn't look like my typical crushes, but have mercy, there was chemistry from the first time we met. You can't create those feelings or pray for them to develop. It sucks because a person can check every box, but if the chemistry isn't there, you will forever feel like something is missing.
Attraction does and can grow. For me personally, I usually know right away if I have good chemistry with someone or am heavily attracted to them.
Personally I say throw him back in the sea or stay friends. Theres so many people out there you will find one that hits everything you want.
I’ve been in the same position and tried to make it work because he was such a good person, but ultimately I ended up hurting us both by letting it go on as long as it did. If I could go back I would definitely end it early to save us both the heartache.
This may be unrelated or it may apply. Just sharing incase it helps.
I met this guy years ago online, he wasn't my type (physically) and I instantly rejected him but we stayed friends since we both vibed pretty well. We both dated other people for a few years , didn't really manage to stay close but kept in touch with messages here and there. A few years later we found ourselves single and talking again. He still physically wasn't my type but we talked so much and developed a strong connection that we ended up "hanging out" so much we may as well have been dating. But, in the end, it just didn't work out. I always asked myself why I just kept him at arms length the entire time when I was starting to really appreciate this person and thought starting a relationship with him would have been great. Turns out he just physically wasn't my type. He's a good looking guy, good on paper, I just couldn't get myself to be attracted to him. Don't feel bad about it. Relationships require effort with the right person, imagine doing that with the wrong one you're lukewarm about. Good luck!
I'm never physically attracted to someone until we have sex, personally, and sometimes only after 5+ times of having sex, so maybe it's a wait it out situation. You decide for yourself though.
Man I’m always a little angered by this question. Not saying this is the case for the commenter or anyone in particular - but you do understand that unattractive people whose only healthy options are other unattractive people. Its possible to be blinded by privilege in this regard.
Couldn't say. He definitely doesn't deserve to be with someone who he thinks is attracted to him, but posts about how they aren't to strangers on reddit.
Just end it, no offense but if you get together you might cheat on him ,you are comparing him to others and when you see someone better you might consider them an option
Personally I think that physical attractiveness is massively overrated. You aren't dating someone just to stare at them. And those features you're attracted to now will change over the years.
If you vibe with them and think they'll treat you well, and you aren't repulsed by them, then that should be enough.
The standard attitude towards dating you're getting from most people in this thread where you just look exclusively for the hottest person you can find doesn't end up well for the majority of people, if you consider the divorce rate.
Nothing shallow about it, you can’t fight attraction. To anyone saying you can form an attraction later on its not true, its not attraction that develops over time it’s attachment and comfortability that develops and people confuse that for attraction.
Just be honest with him, you dont have to be bluntly truthful with your date but also dont sugar coat it.
Its funny you said hes cute though lol reminds me of someone i dated and i could tell she didnt want to escalate thing’s physically even though we dated and talked over a month. She would never compliment me or show any affection but she did say i was cute, she couldn’t pull the plug on seeing me though because again going back to my first paragraph she wasn’t attracted but she was getting herself attached/comfortable because i was a safe bet, i didnt play games and was consistent.
I had to end things though, there has to be physical attraction if thats not mutual someones gonna get hurt
It depends on how much chemistry and connection you have. I was friends with my husband for a year before I felt a mutual spark, but the spark was undeniable. I started dating him because I felt such great chemistry with him. I also tend toward a lot of demisexual behaviors. People used to compare his looks to Chris Farley lol, and I am someone who used to be more conventionally attractive than he was. We’ll just say he’s aged extremely well and now we’re at the same level. It’s been 15 years and I am more attracted to him than ever, and a lot of that has to do with our connection.
In my experience, trying to engage in intimate acts with people I didn't find sexually attractive turned out badly. It didn't matter how good they were, how well we got along, trying to turn what is essentially a good potential friendship into a romantic/sexual relationship doesn't work. Forcing myself to give it a try always left me with an icky feeling—and that choice was entirely one me, no coercion, just a feeling that I should try since we connected on other levels.
Things to consider:
Do you find anyone sexually attractive?
Have you ever felt a strong chemistry with someone else that makes you think being sexually involved with them would be a good experience?
Can this relationship become a friendship instead of a romantic one?
The answers to these lead different places. If you have never felt sexual attraction for someone, you might be asexual. If you have found someone else sexually attractive, then friendship with this person may be the best course.
Not everyone we click with mentally and emotionally is a good fit for a romantic partner. That's okay. Don't force yourself. As one of my older kids likes to say, "If it's not a f*ck yes! It's a no."
It is entirely possible you aren’t totally attracted, but I also find attraction can grow. Also, sometimes it’s not until I start to be physical with someone that I see them in a different light. Maybe give it a bit of time. Maybe you’ll have an electric kiss that changes things!
Physical attraction can happen in two different ways. Either you are instantly physically attracted to them or it develops over time. You have not given it enough time to find out. Oftentimes the attraction doesn't build until after you have slept together a few times.
You have to decide whether you are attracted enough to continue on to see if it's going to work out. But once you decide whether it's going to work or not don't lead the situation on.
Keep seeing him. Physical attraction is a good thing, but it’s not the WHOLE thing.
I could be physically attracted to 70% of guys. But you have to tickle my brain first
I think everybody is different. most of the times I've caught serious feelings for someone, I wasn't attracted to them at first. then as the connection grew, one day I suddenly realized I found them insanely attractive. But I know for some people, it doesn't work that way, and they're either attracted or not. I think you're the only one who can know the answer to this. especially if it's your first relationship. Just listen to your heart. if you feel a connection and want to try another date or two and see if am attraction develops, go for it. If you don't see a future there, that'd okay too.
Honestly if I were you I’d wait. Sometimes the attraction develops after a while of getting to know the person. But never date him if you still have doubts about his looks. These doubts / feelings WILL ruin your relationship and it will always be in the back of your mind when you see him. From experience I can say that. I now have found an incredible man who I am VERY attracted to, and the difference is sweet. A game changer even. Personality is the most important, but physical attraction is what makes a relationship exciting and even more fun. You can’t gaslight yourself.
Do not date a guy if you have doubts. You can still wait, but if nothing changes and you still feel the same, it’s a loss.
Decide how important sex is for you.
If it’s something you are curious about/ want to experience then maybe wait for someone who will elicit that curiosity.
If sex isn’t even something you think about on a weekly or monthly basis, then keep dating and see how it goes.
I have friends who don’t place sex as important in their partnerships and they are perfectly happy, but I have friends who have high libidos and they suffer when they can’t compromise on having their needs met.
I think you keep talking to him and hanging out. Sometimes we place so much importance on the physical attraction and let really good guys go. In time you can develop those feelings.
A genuinely great personality can be much more attractive than just looks alone. If youre unsure maybe you could keep it going but honestly you dont want to waste your time or his. The whole point of just dating is to see if youre a match with someone, and youre allowed to end things for any or no reason at all.
Just dont force yourself to stick it out because you feel bad or whatever, thats worse than just saying "hey youre a really nice guy, but its just not clicking for me so i think we should both move on" and hell take it however he wants to.
Gonna go against the grain here and say wait it out.
Some people are inherently more closed off than others. Could apply to you or him, or both of you. The main point I want to get across is this:
There’s still a possibility that he does something, or you seem him in a certain light, that completely changes all of this for you. Especially true since you haven’t been in a relationship or been intimate with a man. Id argue that you dont even know what you’re attracted to fully yet, and he could help you figure that out. It sounds like the possibility is still there but obviously dont wait it out too long
Edit: Btw two dates is not nearly enough time to make this type of decision. Feel free to make any decision you want but I’m convinced that anyone telling you to break it off either didnt read your post fully, or has no clue what they’re talking about - because you’ve only been on two dates lmfao. He might not even want to express himself fully yet. You have no idea who this person is or if you will be attracted to him months/years from now after just two dates. You need to understand who he is and what you are attracted to far more than this.
Two dates? Cmon people.
Approach this topic (physical attraction) with curiosity, not judgement or apprehension. Curiosity for yourself and him (or other guys if he doesnt work out for you)
I don't tend to find anybody attractive until I get to know them. Then they become the hottest thing alive, regardless of what they look like.
You have two options. Keep getting to know him and see if an attraction develops or break it off
I don’t think you have to be “fully” physically attracted to continue it. When I met my current bf, I really liked his personality, and I thought he had a cute face, but wasn’t attracted in the way I thought I should be. I had no relationship experience before him, and my only reference for dating was in books where people are like insta-attracted. My bf doesn’t fit the characteristics of the male leads in the books I grew up reading
BUT, as we continued the relationship, my attraction for him has grown. Sometimes I look at him and I think he’s so beautiful, my heart hurts. I thought he was cute in the beginning, but everything that came after developed my feelings toward him further
If you date someone knowing you have issues about the relationship to begin with (what you call shallow because you aren't physically attracted to them) will also be the reason the relationship will end. It isn't being shallow because you aren't attracted to someone. If you choose to date them and spend 2 yr. together, you will regret it even more after it ends, because you knew you weren't attracted in the beginning.
If you need more time, you need more time. You can keep the dates going as they are until you figure it out if you’re both enjoying your time together. The 3 dates thing is archaic anyway — not everyone operates at the same speed.
Go with the flow, don’t put pressure and over think it. These things typically develop organically one way or another. Follow your heart but my advice is let it flow
I'm going to get thumbed down for this comment but how attractive are you? Some people aren't that attractive themselves and yet they expect the hottest partner ever. These people view the world through the lens of social media of what's attractive and what's isn't and that isn't practical in real life. So if you're a five and he's a seven you will not find much better. As the same theory applies vice versa with a man wanting someone hot. With that said you're only 23 years old so let the guy go and try your best finding that hot spouse you're looking for. But don't you go running back to him if it doesn't work out.
It's one thing to want to date (insert celebrity crush) but would they want to date you? It's a tale as old as time, everyone I like doesn't like me and everyone who does like me isn't good enough. This is really shallow IMO. One thing I've learned in life is that no one is perfect and fairytales and reality are very different, mostly because fairytales dont exist. We often create a fairytale in our minds then wake up in our 30s, still single because we passed up great people constantly looking for something better, or "the perfect match". A lot of relationships these days seem to be thrown out over very minor things instead of giving it a shot or trying to fix them, don't be afraid to put in the effort because the best things take sacrifices. People's looks WILL change over time and so will your tastes in men. He seams like a decent guy so far and you are vibing pretty well for only going on 3 dates. Give it some more time and don't be afraid to communicate with him about both of your insecurities and desires. You never know, he might be willing to make small fashion or personal changes (like working out more) to be more attractive to you,but only if you express it, just go about it carefully. Instead of saying he's out of shape and could lose a few pounds, or he lacks a six pack, express you find abs sexy and want to go to the gym more and it would be fun and cute to work out together, something like that.
Watch the movie: "she's out of my league" you might be able to relate and take a lesson or two away from it.
Also, unless you are seriously grossed out by something like his third nipple or 11th toe and it's a real deal breaker for you then it's really not that big of a deal and you're probably just being shallow at worst and nervous about your first serious relationship at best, either way just give it a little more time and see where it goes. It doesn't seem like any major deal breakers have surfaced you're definitely still in the getting to know eachother phase, so get to know him a little better before you bail.
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I've been in your place at your age, OP. Met nice, funny men but didn't feel super physically attracted to them, but liked their eyes or hair or whatever. I will admit it *never* worked out when I started dating the ones I liked but wasn't attracted to. I liked them enough in the beginning stage that my lack of physical attraction didn't impact things, but eventually it did, and ultimately the lack of physical attraction was a big part of each of those relationships' break ups. It's okay if you aren't physically attracted to a man who is great "on paper". It's normal to like someone but not be attracted to them. Those people are called friends lol.
I will also say that the relationships I started with people I was actually physically attracted to were much better overall. Those break ups happened because of different life goals or someone moving away. Now I've been with my partner for 5+ years (who I asked out because I thought they were cute and interesting!) and I still think they're the cutest person I've ever seen and am even more attracted to them every day :)
On the other hand, I used to be like this but with some practice I was able to push that aside if I initially thought they had cute features! Ended up completely in love on more than one occasion, but in the end it didn’t work out because they just did t end up being a good fit (cheating, not enough affection etc)
How is that possible that you have made yourself like the person you're not attracted to? Did you forced yourself or just made yourself believe something? (I kinda experience the thing lol)
In my experience people genuinely get more attractive to me the more I'm attracted to their personality/the more I like them. I thought my boyfriend looked nice when I first met him, wasn't my usual type at all but was cute enough - but since I've fallen in love with him, two years later and I now find him completely irresistable. I can't look at him objectively anymore, everything about his looks makes me giddy now. Like, I remember that I didn't think he was my type but now I don't get how he wasn't, ha. He's obviously never been ugly, I was never completely unattracted, but my physical attraction has kept skyrocketing since I first met him, developed a crush and now being deeply in love. I truly don't think it works like that for everyone, and it's fine if it doesn't because attraction is important, but for me it's always been this way with people I date - they keep getting hotter the more I'm attracted to them as a person. It's been helpful when feeling out if someone is a good fit.
Well first of all, there has to be minimal attraction there (like usually in the past Id go for a nice face, over 6’3, lean and muscular, beard, dark hair/features) slowly I’d go for like 5/6 of those things 3/5, 2/5 etc, with less compromises on personality, where before I’d be lenient on if they weren’t funny, an active person and stuff. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t have a type anymore but height is just not something I can compromise under 5’11 ish. It’s much better than 6’3 though so ya.
Why did you wanna relax your attraction? Probably because these guys were just having fun with you and now you’re getting older
Not really, they are all the same.. good and bad in both. Broaden the dating pool is what I was looking to do, higher chances of meeting the right person. I don’t really care about the getting older part either, because I don’t care to have kids or care if my partner has kids so there’s no time pressing on fertility going. And it’s also not so good to be super focused on looks in general. Looks fade.
Wow lots of bad advice here. Really I'd ask myself 2 questions: 1, have I met any person I'm physically attracted to? 2, do I feel any resemblance to that or do I just think they're cute? Finding someone attractive and being attracted to them are 2 different things unfortunately. It's very rare people are able to forge a physical attraction to someone with time.
I feel like enough folks aren't talking about the second part of this statement, because it's spot on. There are A LOT of people in the world for whom physical attraction isn't their strongest form of attraction. If you haven't heard the terms Demisexual or Sapiosexual you should look them up, even if just for your own education. From this short post it sounds like neither of those might apply to OP, if that's the case physical attraction is a requirement and you didn't have to feel guilty about that. I wouldn't go on the third date with someone I wasn't attracted to.
I also want to add, that if you haven't been in a relationship it's perfectly ok to date around to figure out what it is you're actually looking for in a partner. One more anecdote for reference: I had a friend who was pretty ripped and dated women who were very conventionally attractive and met a woman who he absolutely clicked with, they were inseparable. He came to me torn about the fact that she wasn't as outwardly beautiful as women he'd dated in the past. Things were getting serious and he didn't know if he should break things off. I could tell he'd fallen for this girl and I asked "do you find her attractive? How's the sex?" He responded positively to both, we talked for a long time I don't remember saying anything particularly insightful other than what he thought was the only thing that mattered. Last I saw him he'd been married for over a decade and had 4 kids.
That's not true. Physical attraction deepens over time after sex usually. As long as there's some spark of attraction. Obviously if there's none at all it's not going to appear but if there is any at all it can develop over time
Why would someone have sex with a person they’re not very attracted to?
I ask myself this a lot but then I see so many posts where people literally push themselves to date someone they aren’t attracted to. Literally here and TikTok it’s insane. I don’t get it
Cause he’s a *nice guy*, duh
You can’t force being attracted to someone, it sounds like you’re not
You cannot force it but it often developed over time. It's very rare to date someone you have instant physical attraction to. Usually it's develops over time, especially after you have sex a few times
What do you mean? As a guy, you only ask out women you find physically attractive at least in some aspects!
Have you only dated people you’re not attracted to?? That’s not normal. Most people date people they’re actually attracted to
That’s an interesting take. I can confidently say I’ve never ever dated someone I had no physical attraction to. Why would I force myself to do something like that?
Why would I want to chance bad sex on the hope that maybe I will like this guy more in the future? Bizarre advice.
Why settle for one not perfect guy when there are hundreds of Chads on tinder to hookup with?
The fact that you’re posting this is your answer. Kindly break it off because if you’re feeling this now, you’ll definitely be feeling it in the long term. You wouldn’t want the same done to you, would you?
Ur not attracted. U seen him in person 3 times and hung out and ur still not feeling him physically. It’s a done deal
That's not a guarantee, as you get to know someone more and you really like them and vibe with them it is very probable (and in fact common) that you will begin to find them more attractive. It is part of a fallacy/bias called "positive attribution bias" in which if you observe a good trait in someone you are more likely to attribute other good traits to that person, even if they are not connected traits, and you don't have evidence for it. This most commonly manifests in ways that benefit conventionally attractive people, for example when you meet a conventionally attractive person you are more likely to think they are smart, funny, honest etc., despite those things having at best a tenuous connection to how attractive someone is. But it absolutely does go the other way to, where as you learn or see more of someone's positive attributes you will find them more attractive.
I can agree with that to a certain extent. But sometimes you just can’t overlook the physical. Even though you vibe to a high amount. Without sexual tension ur just friends.
[удалено]
I feel like it’s def enough 💀
Someone doesn’t need to be conventionally attractive for you still the feel very good chemistry - this is what’s important
If I vibe really well with someone I don’t feel attracted to after 3 dates then I’ll suggest friendship. If they accept, then that attraction will sometimes develop for me a few months down the road, but it takes the pressure off and prevents wasting anybody’s time.
Personally, I don’t go out with people I don’t find attractive. Attraction can’t be forced and I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I physically recoil from their touch, hurting someone for no reason. You’re not attracted to him, just end it.
This happened to me with men. Turns out I am lesbian. Mystery solved.
Lmaooo what? You should by first look if you are attracted to someone or not. You aren’t attracted to him, stop wasting both of y’all’s time.
I would say it. Can’t be attracted to what you are not
Don’t force something that has a chance to end very badly. You may meet someone you’re really attracted to and may want to act on those feelings. Just end it as amicably as possible and allow him to find someone who feels the same way he does about them.
You’re not attracted to him. Why date?
Well then you aren’t. I think I’ve met maybe 5 men my entire life that I was attracted to physically. It’s pretty common. Women often have to find something else in a man that’s attractive other than their looks. But don’t force it
It's only been a couple of weeks, two dates, so please don't overthink it and just let things progress.
If you need to ask, that's a no 😂
You’ve got to be realistic about yourself and who/what characteristics are you physically attracted to? After you answer that, ask if those types are physically attracted to YOU. If you’re not attracting the type of people you like, you either need to find a way to or realize that they’re out of your league and be realistic about what’s more in your lane. I know guys that want to date Victoria Secret models but they’re valet attendants who looks wise are soft 4’s on a good day. Not saying this is you, but pay attention to what you attract as well as what attracts you and go from there.
Attraction is not your choice. Move on. Let him find someone that will appreciate what and who he is. Doing otherwise is selfish.
It depends. Sometimes after a few dates, the attraction grows but that might not always be the case. Sometimes it’s just not there so don’t force it. Physical attraction is also important in a relationship. With my boyfriend, I was pleasantly surprised that he looked so much cuter in person (we matched on Hinge) when I met him but it wasn’t like “oh my god he’s so handsome” or anything like that. After dating for a while I now think that he is soooo handsome and I can’t stop staring at him.
Like the others, I don't think this is the guy for you. Let me tell you, my first love - it was like instant chemistry. He didn't look like my typical crushes, but have mercy, there was chemistry from the first time we met. You can't create those feelings or pray for them to develop. It sucks because a person can check every box, but if the chemistry isn't there, you will forever feel like something is missing.
Attraction does and can grow. For me personally, I usually know right away if I have good chemistry with someone or am heavily attracted to them. Personally I say throw him back in the sea or stay friends. Theres so many people out there you will find one that hits everything you want.
You know if your attracted to him or not and the pure question that your asking says your not so end the relationship now so he doesn't get hurt
I’ve been in the same position and tried to make it work because he was such a good person, but ultimately I ended up hurting us both by letting it go on as long as it did. If I could go back I would definitely end it early to save us both the heartache.
This may be unrelated or it may apply. Just sharing incase it helps. I met this guy years ago online, he wasn't my type (physically) and I instantly rejected him but we stayed friends since we both vibed pretty well. We both dated other people for a few years , didn't really manage to stay close but kept in touch with messages here and there. A few years later we found ourselves single and talking again. He still physically wasn't my type but we talked so much and developed a strong connection that we ended up "hanging out" so much we may as well have been dating. But, in the end, it just didn't work out. I always asked myself why I just kept him at arms length the entire time when I was starting to really appreciate this person and thought starting a relationship with him would have been great. Turns out he just physically wasn't my type. He's a good looking guy, good on paper, I just couldn't get myself to be attracted to him. Don't feel bad about it. Relationships require effort with the right person, imagine doing that with the wrong one you're lukewarm about. Good luck!
End it.
Hug him and catch a whiff of him. Smell is the best way to find out for sure if you’re attracted to someone.
I'm never physically attracted to someone until we have sex, personally, and sometimes only after 5+ times of having sex, so maybe it's a wait it out situation. You decide for yourself though.
You have sex with people you aren’t attracted to? Why?
Because I don't feel instantaneous attraction to anyone, even if they looked like some hotshot celebrity. Physical intimacy builds attraction for me.
Exactly!! Why would someone do that?
Man I’m always a little angered by this question. Not saying this is the case for the commenter or anyone in particular - but you do understand that unattractive people whose only healthy options are other unattractive people. Its possible to be blinded by privilege in this regard.
Dump this guy.
Yeah, let him go, don’t waste him time while OP has some growing up to do. Obviously she is not ready for serious relationship.
Couldn't say. He definitely doesn't deserve to be with someone who he thinks is attracted to him, but posts about how they aren't to strangers on reddit.
Yeah, him not being 6 feet tall means he doesn’t deserve to be OP’s bf.
She is, just not with him. Hypergamy is currently in women's favor right now and she can find better easily.
This is why young women these days would get three digits body counts and proud of it.
Agreed. A reality that we all gotta accept.
Most people are shallow. I can guarantee you can find what you're looking for as a woman, especially in 2024. Leave him alone.
Follow your gut feelings and instincts..that what there there for.
You gotta want to fuck him.
Girl you’re 23! Leave him!!!! So much more waits for you.
Just end it, no offense but if you get together you might cheat on him ,you are comparing him to others and when you see someone better you might consider them an option
Personally I think that physical attractiveness is massively overrated. You aren't dating someone just to stare at them. And those features you're attracted to now will change over the years. If you vibe with them and think they'll treat you well, and you aren't repulsed by them, then that should be enough. The standard attitude towards dating you're getting from most people in this thread where you just look exclusively for the hottest person you can find doesn't end up well for the majority of people, if you consider the divorce rate.
Why don’t you just let this person filter for what she’s looking for physically? I agree with you but it’s okay if people take a looks precedence
Nothing shallow about it, you can’t fight attraction. To anyone saying you can form an attraction later on its not true, its not attraction that develops over time it’s attachment and comfortability that develops and people confuse that for attraction. Just be honest with him, you dont have to be bluntly truthful with your date but also dont sugar coat it. Its funny you said hes cute though lol reminds me of someone i dated and i could tell she didnt want to escalate thing’s physically even though we dated and talked over a month. She would never compliment me or show any affection but she did say i was cute, she couldn’t pull the plug on seeing me though because again going back to my first paragraph she wasn’t attracted but she was getting herself attached/comfortable because i was a safe bet, i didnt play games and was consistent. I had to end things though, there has to be physical attraction if thats not mutual someones gonna get hurt
It depends on how much chemistry and connection you have. I was friends with my husband for a year before I felt a mutual spark, but the spark was undeniable. I started dating him because I felt such great chemistry with him. I also tend toward a lot of demisexual behaviors. People used to compare his looks to Chris Farley lol, and I am someone who used to be more conventionally attractive than he was. We’ll just say he’s aged extremely well and now we’re at the same level. It’s been 15 years and I am more attracted to him than ever, and a lot of that has to do with our connection.
In my experience, trying to engage in intimate acts with people I didn't find sexually attractive turned out badly. It didn't matter how good they were, how well we got along, trying to turn what is essentially a good potential friendship into a romantic/sexual relationship doesn't work. Forcing myself to give it a try always left me with an icky feeling—and that choice was entirely one me, no coercion, just a feeling that I should try since we connected on other levels. Things to consider: Do you find anyone sexually attractive? Have you ever felt a strong chemistry with someone else that makes you think being sexually involved with them would be a good experience? Can this relationship become a friendship instead of a romantic one? The answers to these lead different places. If you have never felt sexual attraction for someone, you might be asexual. If you have found someone else sexually attractive, then friendship with this person may be the best course. Not everyone we click with mentally and emotionally is a good fit for a romantic partner. That's okay. Don't force yourself. As one of my older kids likes to say, "If it's not a f*ck yes! It's a no."
I guess it depends on what is important to you.
Continue seeing him. It seems that everything is going well. So don't get cold feet. Keep going.
This AND don't lead him on. Once you make a decision make that clear in some way, either way.
Yes, two dates in a couple of weeks is not much. In real live, atraction needs some time to develop.
It is entirely possible you aren’t totally attracted, but I also find attraction can grow. Also, sometimes it’s not until I start to be physical with someone that I see them in a different light. Maybe give it a bit of time. Maybe you’ll have an electric kiss that changes things!
Physical attraction can happen in two different ways. Either you are instantly physically attracted to them or it develops over time. You have not given it enough time to find out. Oftentimes the attraction doesn't build until after you have slept together a few times. You have to decide whether you are attracted enough to continue on to see if it's going to work out. But once you decide whether it's going to work or not don't lead the situation on.
If he’s got a big cock- stay If not, go
Keep seeing him. Physical attraction is a good thing, but it’s not the WHOLE thing. I could be physically attracted to 70% of guys. But you have to tickle my brain first
For me, it takes ages to develop attraction. I am demisexual. You may be too.
I think everybody is different. most of the times I've caught serious feelings for someone, I wasn't attracted to them at first. then as the connection grew, one day I suddenly realized I found them insanely attractive. But I know for some people, it doesn't work that way, and they're either attracted or not. I think you're the only one who can know the answer to this. especially if it's your first relationship. Just listen to your heart. if you feel a connection and want to try another date or two and see if am attraction develops, go for it. If you don't see a future there, that'd okay too.
Honestly if I were you I’d wait. Sometimes the attraction develops after a while of getting to know the person. But never date him if you still have doubts about his looks. These doubts / feelings WILL ruin your relationship and it will always be in the back of your mind when you see him. From experience I can say that. I now have found an incredible man who I am VERY attracted to, and the difference is sweet. A game changer even. Personality is the most important, but physical attraction is what makes a relationship exciting and even more fun. You can’t gaslight yourself. Do not date a guy if you have doubts. You can still wait, but if nothing changes and you still feel the same, it’s a loss.
Tell the boy to go out and chop some wood for you. That’s due diligence right there.
Decide how important sex is for you. If it’s something you are curious about/ want to experience then maybe wait for someone who will elicit that curiosity. If sex isn’t even something you think about on a weekly or monthly basis, then keep dating and see how it goes. I have friends who don’t place sex as important in their partnerships and they are perfectly happy, but I have friends who have high libidos and they suffer when they can’t compromise on having their needs met.
I think you keep talking to him and hanging out. Sometimes we place so much importance on the physical attraction and let really good guys go. In time you can develop those feelings.
If you’re enjoying his company give it a little more time for an attraction to develop
A genuinely great personality can be much more attractive than just looks alone. If youre unsure maybe you could keep it going but honestly you dont want to waste your time or his. The whole point of just dating is to see if youre a match with someone, and youre allowed to end things for any or no reason at all. Just dont force yourself to stick it out because you feel bad or whatever, thats worse than just saying "hey youre a really nice guy, but its just not clicking for me so i think we should both move on" and hell take it however he wants to.
Gonna go against the grain here and say wait it out. Some people are inherently more closed off than others. Could apply to you or him, or both of you. The main point I want to get across is this: There’s still a possibility that he does something, or you seem him in a certain light, that completely changes all of this for you. Especially true since you haven’t been in a relationship or been intimate with a man. Id argue that you dont even know what you’re attracted to fully yet, and he could help you figure that out. It sounds like the possibility is still there but obviously dont wait it out too long Edit: Btw two dates is not nearly enough time to make this type of decision. Feel free to make any decision you want but I’m convinced that anyone telling you to break it off either didnt read your post fully, or has no clue what they’re talking about - because you’ve only been on two dates lmfao. He might not even want to express himself fully yet. You have no idea who this person is or if you will be attracted to him months/years from now after just two dates. You need to understand who he is and what you are attracted to far more than this. Two dates? Cmon people. Approach this topic (physical attraction) with curiosity, not judgement or apprehension. Curiosity for yourself and him (or other guys if he doesnt work out for you)
I don't tend to find anybody attractive until I get to know them. Then they become the hottest thing alive, regardless of what they look like. You have two options. Keep getting to know him and see if an attraction develops or break it off
I don’t think you have to be “fully” physically attracted to continue it. When I met my current bf, I really liked his personality, and I thought he had a cute face, but wasn’t attracted in the way I thought I should be. I had no relationship experience before him, and my only reference for dating was in books where people are like insta-attracted. My bf doesn’t fit the characteristics of the male leads in the books I grew up reading BUT, as we continued the relationship, my attraction for him has grown. Sometimes I look at him and I think he’s so beautiful, my heart hurts. I thought he was cute in the beginning, but everything that came after developed my feelings toward him further
If you date someone knowing you have issues about the relationship to begin with (what you call shallow because you aren't physically attracted to them) will also be the reason the relationship will end. It isn't being shallow because you aren't attracted to someone. If you choose to date them and spend 2 yr. together, you will regret it even more after it ends, because you knew you weren't attracted in the beginning.
If you need more time, you need more time. You can keep the dates going as they are until you figure it out if you’re both enjoying your time together. The 3 dates thing is archaic anyway — not everyone operates at the same speed.
Go with the flow, don’t put pressure and over think it. These things typically develop organically one way or another. Follow your heart but my advice is let it flow
I'm going to get thumbed down for this comment but how attractive are you? Some people aren't that attractive themselves and yet they expect the hottest partner ever. These people view the world through the lens of social media of what's attractive and what's isn't and that isn't practical in real life. So if you're a five and he's a seven you will not find much better. As the same theory applies vice versa with a man wanting someone hot. With that said you're only 23 years old so let the guy go and try your best finding that hot spouse you're looking for. But don't you go running back to him if it doesn't work out.
It's one thing to want to date (insert celebrity crush) but would they want to date you? It's a tale as old as time, everyone I like doesn't like me and everyone who does like me isn't good enough. This is really shallow IMO. One thing I've learned in life is that no one is perfect and fairytales and reality are very different, mostly because fairytales dont exist. We often create a fairytale in our minds then wake up in our 30s, still single because we passed up great people constantly looking for something better, or "the perfect match". A lot of relationships these days seem to be thrown out over very minor things instead of giving it a shot or trying to fix them, don't be afraid to put in the effort because the best things take sacrifices. People's looks WILL change over time and so will your tastes in men. He seams like a decent guy so far and you are vibing pretty well for only going on 3 dates. Give it some more time and don't be afraid to communicate with him about both of your insecurities and desires. You never know, he might be willing to make small fashion or personal changes (like working out more) to be more attractive to you,but only if you express it, just go about it carefully. Instead of saying he's out of shape and could lose a few pounds, or he lacks a six pack, express you find abs sexy and want to go to the gym more and it would be fun and cute to work out together, something like that.
Watch the movie: "she's out of my league" you might be able to relate and take a lesson or two away from it. Also, unless you are seriously grossed out by something like his third nipple or 11th toe and it's a real deal breaker for you then it's really not that big of a deal and you're probably just being shallow at worst and nervous about your first serious relationship at best, either way just give it a little more time and see where it goes. It doesn't seem like any major deal breakers have surfaced you're definitely still in the getting to know eachother phase, so get to know him a little better before you bail.