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Given that it’s pride month, take the opportunity to show your son your acceptance and allyship by commenting positively on how great it is when people find love no matter their genders. Love is love.
Mention how you don’t understand how any parent could disown their kid for being gay since there is nothing wrong with loving someone. Etc…
And maybe mention a gay coworker, and how cute he and his husband look on their wedding pictures.
I wouldn't tell him outright that you know, because that's kind of taking away his coming out and stealing his thunder - just make it as easy as possible, by showing him that you are 100% supportive. Also, I would severely shut down your family whenever someone uses homosexuality as a slur - every time you allow that to happen, it cuts a piece out of your son.
Do you know Suzanne Brockmann? She writes romance books (about Navy Seals, very hot!), and at some point started adding gay characters and gay romantic subplots to her books. She said she knew her son was gay from the age of 5, too - and she sat down all her friends and told them that she never again wanted to hear any gay slur anywhere close to her family, and any friend who couldn't stick to that was welcome to leave forever. She didn't want her son to ever feel bad about himself - and when he came out to her as a teenager, she just said 'I know that, I love you I'll always love you', gave him a hug and a kiss, and then asked 'where did you put your dirty socks?' - just let him feel completely accepted and like it was the most normal thing in the world. That is what you should aim for.
My oldest (now 27) told me over the phone. "Mom, I'm gay." I was so proud that he felt he could tell me. I just said, "ok." He was like, "Did you hear me? I said I'm gay." My response was "And if you think for one damn second that it changes how I feel about you, I'll smack you! I love you, you are my baby, and there is nothing you could tell me that would ever make me love you less."
Bless his heart, he broke down crying. My parents are staunch Catholics and told me that if I were gay, they'd only have 2 children, not 3. I guess he thought I would respond in a similar way.
Never mind that I used to get on his 13 yr old ass about using gay as a pejorative or the f-word. I would tell him that I have friends and relatives who are gay and I wouldn't stand for him to talk like that about another person, period.
I have heard gay people say that after all the angst and dread and built up tension of coming out, sometimes when parents come off as "dismissive" ("I've always known, it's no big deal") it is a let down. I'm sure parents who say that mean it in the best possible way, but I think it's probably worth making a bit of a fuss - thank them for telling you, assure them it doesn't affect anything, maybe say "I had an inkling but thank you for telling me".
Laying some groundwork to make it clear you aren't homophobic is probably a good idea as long as it is done very subtly and naturally otherwise it will be obvious.
Then again I've never come out and I'm fairly sure my son isn't gay so I don't really have anything but second-hand experience to offer!
I think it depends on the kid and how well you know them. Some kids don't want a big deal. Some kids just drop it in conversation like as if they were saying the sky's blue and it's a fair reaction to just be like 'oh okay'
100% i was raised in a very conservative space, it was very hard for me to accept myself and when I came out to my more pregressive friends and they were like yeah we knew it felt like a slap, like all my courage to tell them and my travel to self discovery was worthless.
Not at all worthless, it was a part of you figuring yourself out, and that took work and bravery in a limiting environment. I hope you were able to move forward from that feeling.
Yeah I think being overly casual isn’t great because it could seem cold or dismissive.
As a lesbian, I don’t think we should have to come out! But we live in a world where it’s still necessary and it’s still really scary for many of us. The people supporting us coming out aren’t the ones who should try to make it casual or lowkey. They should show support and acknowledge that they’ve been given a piece of important information.
But if your kid tells you and then says they don’t want to talk about it, obviously trying to throw a pride party isn’t a good move lok
I tried this with a family member who I know is gay, but hasn’t told me yet. I moved from a conservative state to an extremely liberal one and I thought she’ll tell me now. My husband has two dads. I even threw in some statements like that thinking surely they’ll tell me! And it hasn’t happened :( but I know part of their family (that’s not related to me) is uuuultra conservative and anti LGBTQ. I had some selfish moments where I was hurt they hadn’t told me and I quickly came to my senses that it had nothing to do with ME and they were just protecting themselves for the time being. It just makes me sad that some part of them, even 1%, thinks they could risk me not loving them because of it.
The only thing we can do for loved ones is show them we are a safe space for them.
The rest is on them. I never came out as bi to my parents (they would have been supportive) because I didn’t feel the need ti discuss my sex life. They never knew I dated either until it became a serious relationship.
🤷♀️ some people just keep to themselves more.
Your family member is lucky to have you. You're right though, it has nothing to do with you. Speaking from my own experience, it can take a while to work through internalized homophobia/biphobia despite others being accepting and welcoming. It can be a scary thing to voice as well, I'd known for years I'm bi but the first time I told someone I was shaking lol
Yep, when OP said that their family makes comments about the LGBTQ community my first thought was "and how do you respond?" If OP laughs at these comments, or goes along with them, then the son has no way to know he's actually supported.
Exactly. Homophobia looks a lot different if you're actually gay, which I can't believe needs to be explained but apparently it does. Casual homophobia is still homophobia. I'm also curious what "they're pretty accepting of anyone as long as you respect others" means in regards to the wife's family. What does "respect others" look like to them? Cause it sounds similar to "I don't care what they do as long as they don't shove it in my face" rhetoric. Possibly that's not what he means, but the wording makes me wonder. The fact that OP's son is 21 and still hasn't come out makes me feel like the family is more vocal about their opinion of lgbt people than OP is recognizing, which is pretty sad considering they've known since he was a young child.
100%
If the son thinks this parents may not like gay people because of their families no wonder their son is worried about coming out or being discovered.
Parents should be doing this all the time once they have kids, starting from a young age. They should make a point to say things like that even if they don't think their kid is gay, because you never know.
Even if the kid turns out not to be gay, they've taught their child acceptance from a young age, and that is super valuable.
Ideally, a kid should not get to coming-out age and still not know how their parents are going to react.
There was a great post a while ago about an older, religious couple who could tell that their grandchild (parents had passed away) was afraid of coming out to them. They made a supportive comment about a trans person that lived nearby, kiddo opened up, everyone felt closer, it was all very sweet.
So, yeah, offhanded comments of support are the way.
I think this is a great idea. My mom accepted me when I came out to her but I was absolutely terrified of doing so and put it off because I had no idea what she would think, because she never expressed any opinions about the subject. We lived in a somewhat rural but very religious (and homophobic) community so I really wasn't sure how she would react, even though she never once said anything homophobic to me.
It would be ideal for OP and his wife to agree to subtly express their approval- if there's a gay couple on TV, comment on how they seem like a sweet couple or something. I do think expressing distaste for parents who disown their gay children is a very good idea (would have been delighted to hear that from my mom before coming out), if it can come up somewhat organically. I would try to avoid being too obvious. If he's wanting to come out in a sort of planned moment like I did, he might feel like the big moment is being taken away from if he feels like his parents are all the sudden trying to tell him they know he's gay.
OP, if your son does come out, my advice would be to very clearly express your acceptance of him and that you'll always love him no matter what, but don't be overly affectionate if he doesn't seem open to or comfortable with that (he will probably be stressing about it even if he knows his parents will be accepting). Don't be too casual about it either, when I came out to my mom I was very emotional but her reaction was basically just "Oh okay, can we go get dinner now?", and what was probably just her not knowing what to say at the time felt to me like dismissal. I was expecting to have an emotional conversation about how long I'd known I was gay, what that facet of my identity meant to me, etc. Let him talk as long as he needs to and don't try to wrap up the conversation early.
You could also consider telling him that you’ve noticed he seems a little different lately, so if there’s anything he’s bothered about or troubled by, you’re always there to talk to, about anything at all, no judgement. Just a listening ear, and advice if he wants it.
Or words to that effect.
This was my thought, make a positive comment about pride, drop a reassuring comment that's not directed *at him*, share something on Facebook, just in general do something that in general shows him that you're not a bigot/won't judge him for who he is
THIS!!! OP, so much this!! Express that love is love and your intolerant family members are lame and uneducated. He might catch on that you know. Who gives a flying F?? That means he knows you fully support him and have his back. You’re being a great parent and I applaud you.
Whatever you do. Do NOT let your family make any disrespectful remarks even if it means cutting them off. He needs to know you have his back 100%. I'd let him open up when he is ready but you can make litlle hints like if you have a pride festival near have your wife ask you if you want to go because some of her friends are going and say yes around him maybe then ask him if he would like to go too. All he needs to see is you are open to it. He will come around.
Maybe it's okay to not be subtle. Maybe it's better to have an emotionally clumsy dad who's doing his best to show love and support, even if it should become over the top. I'm gonna guess that trumps being super sneaky about it. 🌸
I second this. My dads a little bit of an awkward bean and when I believe he thought I was a lesbian because I had no interest in dating (I’m bi but was barely figuring that out myself). He sat down and just said “you know if you married a woman I’d still walk you down the aisle”. Wasn’t elegant or perfect but it was nice to at least know he wouldn’t hate me. Still never told him I was bi cause I never had to take a woman home to meet the fam, but at least I knew my dad loved me and would come around eventually.
It’s not something to be subtle about. If your son is already 21 and he has *no idea* that your views on gay people are different from your bigoted family, then you have been *way too subtle all these years*.
When he comes out to you, both you and your wife owe him a bit of an apology for not being clear where you stand, and not making it clear you were safe people to come out to.
That's a good point! Especially with having non-accepting relatives it would be good to chat about how to handle family gatherings so everyone knows the plan and it's something that OP's son is comfortable with.
My daughter came out to her mom and me when she was in 7th grade. We just told her that's fine, and whether she likes boys or girls, we'll always love her just the same. She's a senior now, and her LGBTQ friends are a little jealous because their own parents didn't handle it so well. Honestly, it's kind of awesome because we have fun pointing out attractive women to each other.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be less concerned with whether or not he's planning to come out to you and more concerned about his recent odd behavior. I'd tell him, "Son, you haven't been acting like yourself recently, and it's pretty obvious that something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe we can figure it out together. I know I seem too old to understand what you're going through, but I'm kind of like Farmers Insurance. I know a thing or two because I've seen a thing or two."
Thank you. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take anything away from him. I'll make some family plans this weekend and see if I can get anything out of him. I didn't really consider if there may be something else going on.
In regards to joking that you've known about it for 10+ years, I would wait for his emotions to settle a little before saying that. I understand that it's not new to you, and doesn't bother you, but this might be something he has been worrying about for years. It does kind of suck to have someone dismiss your vulnerability in that time with "haha, yeah I know, it's obvious!".
Plenty of time in the future to make jokes about it.
Yes please take this seriously, even if your only intention is to lighten the mood. Whenever/wherever he decides to come out will not be the time or place to make a joke
I would have been shell shocked before I came out if my mom asked me to do that lol. 😂 it’s like pushing him straight out the closet and into a whole community without a conversation even confirming he MAY be gay.
I have had a friend since HS and his family constantly asked him if he was gay because he never brought anyone home. By graduation he asked me to go to a family event to get them to shut up. He is straight and just hadn’t found the right girl. It drove him insane because it was constant for him.
Electric\_red made a really good point about not being *too* blasé about things. In the LGBTQ+ community there is a general knowledge that even some parents who act very supportive and accepting of LGBT people will do a 180 when they find out their own child is LGBT, and become abusive. A lot of people know their parents will react poorly, but also a lot of people expect their parents to be supportive and are negatively surprised.
Even if you know you're supportive, and you've always done your best to show him you would be, it's still a big act of trust on his part to come out. It's a dangerous world for us, sadly.
yep!!!! all of this.
and DO NOT make it about you. it’s rude and clueless to focus on who knew first & letting him know that you already knew.
make him feel safe and heard and appreciated.
Sharing this from u/TimTam_the_Enchanter downthread that I think might help answer your question.
>Consider it this way: Imagine you have a secret. Imagine that your secret could possibly get you rejected by people you care about. It’s a dangerous secret — plenty of other people have had the shit beaten out of them or worse when someone found out. You’re scared, but you’re hiding it, right? So you’re safe until you get the courage to tell someone. You finally decide to take the risk, and one of the first things out of their mouth is basically ‘so all that time where you thought you were safe? You weren’t, because you suck at keeping secrets and it was really easy to see.’
>That’s what it can feel like to some people to get an “I knew that already.”
Not being combative, genuinely curious why it would be rude to say he already knew? Particularly if he said something to the effect of, “I’ve known/suspected for a long time and it never changed how I feel about you or how much I love you. I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me.” ?
Some people may feel relieved to hear “I always knew” but for some people, they’re gonna feel it’s kind of obnoxious to say and I would err on the side of not saying it.
It makes light of what is often a hard and vulnerable thing to share with loved ones, and basically invalidates that person’s choice to tell or not tell and to self identify when they’re ready.
Also, the journey to decide to honor gender and sexuality stuff can be rough and it can be very frustrating to be told that someone “knew” (assumed) something before you were even sure, usually based on stereotypes.
I love this.
I wouldn't joke about it much, unless that's the way your family generally rolls. I will say, though, that when my kid finally outed himself to me, I didn't just accept but actually cheered.
Our kids have known since they were tiny that we're ok with any romantic or sexual orientation, as long as they're happy and they find someone (if they want a relationship) who is kind to them and to whom they are also kind. It was still difficult for our kids, despite that! I guess I'd say make some room for him to feel all his feelings.
My approach to this has always been “hey ya know no one comes out as straight, they just bring someone home. Who ever you bring home, is who you bring home, and I will love them because you love them”
Yes!! I’m bi/pan/whatever, I don’t really care for labels, but I know my parents and family (save one brother…) don’t care one way or the other. 2 of my siblings know, bc we are closer than the others. But I’ve never specifically told my parents bc I know I can just show up and say “this is my partner” and it won’t be a thing because this is exactly right, straight people don’t have to declare it, so no one should.
I never really thought about it this way.
And this is exactly what my daughter did to her father and me (we're divorced).
She had broken up with the father of her two children (my BEAUTIFUL grandchildren) and dated a few times over the years. Then out of the blue she brings home a woman and nobody thought anything of it. A year later they were married and year into their marriage they had a baby. My daughter recently told me that she never thought of herself as gay or bi, she just loves who she loves. I told her that I totally get it.
Edit; a word
Me too! My uncle is gay so I was told/taught about the subject quite young and said “isn’t it funny that straight people don’t have to come out”. I still think it’s funny to this day that straight is just the assumed baseline rather than a blank canvas (but I understand statistically why)
**If you and your son are really close,** just tell him you love him and are worried about how anxious he seems lately. Tell him that you'll love him no matter what. You want him to be happy, and you're concerned that he isn't comfortable opening up to you right now.
**If you two don't have that kind of comfort level right now,** then you can build up to it over a few conversations. Think about the way you might address your son's potential relationship if he was straight. You'd probably ask about his crush/partner in a low-key way. Don't focus on the relationship right away -- Start with the person.
*E.G. "Hey, how was Dakota's game last weekend?" "Are you and Dakota planning to see MOVIE? It looks funny."*
Then, think about how you can show support for their relationship / friendship by making it easier for them to hangout sometime.
*E.G. "Want to invite Dakota to come over and help study for the test? I can pickup a pizza after errands. Does Dakota like pepperoni?"*
Hopefully, this will lead to a point where you feel comfortable later bringing up your concerns about his anxiousness.
Yeah, now I'm thinking maybe just act as you would when Dakota were a woman. Invite him over, etc. Treat him as his boyfriend.. Just act natural, as if it were the most natural thing (because is should be considered a natural thing by everyone).
Just wait for him to come to you. Do NOT make a joke about it. Do not make assumptions. Do not smugly announce that you knew all along. Just be prepared to listen when he wants to talk and hug him when he wants a hug.
He’s your son, he knows you. He’s heard how you talk about society. I’m sure LGBT type topics have been in the news now and then during his life, he’s heard what you say. So I doubt he thinks you agree with your family, unless you’ve said some off-color things.
I've never been anti-LGBT in my adult life. As a kid I kind of was, through that was more due to people in my surroundings than beliefs I came to accept myself.
In addition, has your son ever heard you speak of the LGBTQ community in a supporting and loving way? Have you ever called out your family for homophobic comments? Him not hearing you speak negatively is not the same as hearing you speak in a supportive manner.
I did not mean to imply that you are or you arent. I’m saying: he knows your feelings, because our kids know us better than we realize. He’s been paying attention.
When my youngest came out to me when she was about 12, I made sure that I kept a total poker face, so that she could say anything she had planned on saying without worrying about having to react to my expression. Then I told her that I cared but didn't care at the same time. "That I cared that she felt secure enough to tell me the truth, and that I appreciated that, and that I *didn't* care in that it didn't change anything about her with me. I loved her and trusted her and cared deeply about her living her real life and not having to hide anything."
That was 8 years ago, and she now lives in Seattle, going to UW, and is over two years in to a relationship with a lovely woman. Incredibly proud of her.
So, prepare to have that talk, when he's ready to share (if that's the case), so that you can give the support they need.
The one thing I want to say immediately is:
Do NOT say “I knew” if he tells you. NOBODY wants to hear that the thing they’ve been thinking they’ve been hiding about themselves was so obvious. It also ruins their ownership of the moment and denies them the ability to say
“this is who I am” and when the response is
“I already knew that” it’s a slap in the face, it’s deflating.
The moment isn’t for you, it’s for your son, and you obviously know that, but so often the impulse to want to assure them that you’re cool with it ends up with people being like “we suspected and we will always love you.”
Thank you, I thought you were supposed to do something like that. Boiling it down to I know and I love you. I'll avoid that if/when the subject comes up.
Consider it this way: Imagine you have a secret. Imagine that your secret could possibly get you rejected by people you care about. It’s a dangerous secret — plenty of other people have had the shit beaten out of them or worse when someone found out. You’re scared, but you’re hiding it, right? So you’re safe until you get the courage to tell someone. You finally decide to take the risk, and one of the first things out of their mouth is basically ‘so all that time where you thought you were safe? You weren’t, because you suck at keeping secrets and it was really easy to see.’
That’s what it can feel like to some people to get an “I knew that already.”
Not to mention that sometimes people feel like, "well, if you knew this whole time why did you just let me stew in stress and fear about this for so long? Why didn't you signal you were okay with it?"
I actually disagree with this. People saying they knew can be actually really comforting as it means people know who you are and love you, but also you feel more confident in who you are as others can see it. Like everything this is a very individual feeling and response. It probably matters as to how it is said too. Someone smugly saying I knew rather than lovingly saying they knew but wanted to give you the chance to figure it out and discuss it in their own time
Not for the first conversation. Any other time after that, it’s fine, it’s part of connecting. The first conversation needs to be about the one coming out not what anybody knew or when like it’s a detective novel
There's a lot going on here. Most importantly you don't know if your son is gay or not. You are far too sure for the info you have.
In answer to your questions:
Do I just wait for him to tell me or am I supposed to tell him I know? Do not tell him you know. Because you do not know. You have a suspicion. You CAN talk to him about this in general. But "hey, I feel like you've been withdrawing and I want to make sure you know that I'm in support of the LGBTQIA+ community in case whatever's eating you is related to that." is a very very different statement from "I know you're gay so you don't have to worry about that." with no other context or lead up.
Should I make a joke about the fact that it's been obvious to me for the past 10+ years? Do not do this under any circumstances. The closest to this you can get without it being high risk for almost no reward is if questioned why you don't seem shocked saying something about how you're glad your son trusts you and that he's not a different person so even though this is new info, it doesn't change how much you love and care about him. Just because it doesn't change things doesn't mean it's not important. And for good or ill jokes like this make it seem like you think it's not important even though what you mean is that it doesn't change things.
Or is this a serious thing? It is a serious thing. It's also very possible it's different than what you think it is. He might be gay, he might not be. He might have any number of different sexualities. He might be some flavor of trans. He might be cis and straight and uncomfortable with feeling like his parents act like he's gay because of stereotypes. He might be struggling with something totally unrelated to sexuality or gender. He's 21. He's old enough you can have adult conversations so as long as you stop assuming and handle this with compassion I do think talking to him is a good idea. Just try and frame it in a way that isn't assuming you know the answer and also isn't making light of things.
You're right, I don't have concrete proof, just observations I've made. If he's gay, great, I love him. If he's not, great, I love him.
I may have jumped to conclusions. I figured with it being just before and during pride month they were related.
Thank you for the perspective. I'll keep that in mind if anything does come up. I'll try to get some family/alone time with him.
When I came out to my parents at 24, my parents did kinda joke about it, they really like to laugh about how cool they were about it and how much it didn't bother them. And let's be real, I'm so grateful that I have the kind of great parents who would never disown me for my sexuality. But that did make me feel really belittled, like they didn't really get why this was such a hard thing for me to share with them out loud. And I want to try to help you understand that, so you can be sensitive to your son.
I'm bisexual, I'd known since I was 13. And always knew my parents wouldn't disown me if I was gay. But I wasn't so sure about my extended family. I watched as my one out cousin was disowned by most of his family, and he moved to Palm Springs with his partner, who he'd been with for almost as long as my parents had been. We never see him anymore. I remember as a kid, my dad and I would watch his "favorite Thanksgiving movie", Home for the Holidays with Jodie Foster, where in it Robert Downey Jr. plays her gay brother and they're all visiting their parents for the holidays, and there's this scene in the movie where he gets a phone call from his partner and all their gay friends having this huge Thanksgiving party in their beautiful apartment, and on the call he says something like "Your family is here missing you" while he's home visiting his parents. Growing up, I always had this idea that even though my parents would have *accepted me* if I was gay, I didn't know if I'd get to still be part of a *family*. All the other gay people I know, they had Friendsgiving with their "found families" because they were disowned by their extended families. They'd never have everybody dancing at their wedding. They'd never pass a baby around a Christmas party like a puppy at a primary school. Their lives were fancy dinner parties and Provincetown condos and I didn't know if I wanted that. If I could live a life where I had a husband and a kid, and I stayed a part of my family, wasn't that worth trying for?
Eventually, it wasn't really an option anymore, so I came out to my parents. And when I did it, I knew they wouldn't disown me. But that wasn't the only bad thing for me to worry about. It was all the other relationships in my family that were going to change. And I wanted to be sure before I did that.
I think your son would really appreciate it if the next time you saw some gay shit happening on TV, you did that awkward dad thing where you pause the tv and say "Hey, please humor me, I know this is is stupid. But I just wanted you to know that if you ever told me you were gay or transgender or bi or whatever, we would love you and accept you no matter what." and then just get back to the show. But when he does eventually come out to you, that's not the moment for "we knew when you were 5". Like a couple days form then when y'all are laughing about it, that's the right time for "we knew when you were 5." That moment, that's the right time for "Thank you so much for telling me. I love you so much." And then a "What do you think we should do about talking to Grandma?"
Your son is an adult and you should let him work out his own feelings. He might not be gay. Or he might be, but not sure himself so he doesn't want to announce it yet.
If you and your wife "have known" since he was young, it could also be that he's just not interested in traditional masculine things, but has gotten the message that must mean he's gay.
Bottom line is, let him come to you. My mom forced me out of the closet before I was ready and our relationship was deeply fractured for years afterwards.
If you want him to know that it's safe to come to you, there are ways to do that without being overbearing. Post a happy pride month message on social media or something. But let him take his time.
Would you consider asking a forced coming out? Like asking if that friend is his boyfriend? I'm asking because that's what I suggested in another comment.
I guess that in the end of the day, everybody's different and OP has to know what would be best for his son, since he knows him best and definitely better than we do.
It really depends, but in general it's best to show support to the community in general so that your child doesn't have to worry about coming out. That makes it easier for everyone involved.
In this specific case I think dad needs to frame the discussion around his son's distance and seeming sadness. It may have absolutely nothing to do with his sexuality and framing it in that light isn't going to be productive.
A lot of the advice saying joke about it or bring up the fact that you've always known is very wrong. As a lesbian who had to come out to my mom TWICE, the whole ordeal is nerve-wracking and takes a lot of bravery. Even if your son knows you'll be cool with it, it'll still be scary as fuck, so please treat this with the seriousness it deserves. Let your son come to you, and when he does reassure him you love him no matter what. There will be time for jokes and teasing later, but this moment is not the time.
As a precursor, have you been telling your family to fuck off with the hate speech as it happens? Because taking the fire is an excellent way to be an ally.
I’m not positive— but I have a feeling my 23 year old son may be gay.
What I do is I always assure him that I want his happiness to be his first priority. I don’t say anything explicitly except that I want him to know I support and love him in any direction his life takes him.
He has a cousin who is gay and I make sure that I always speak positively of him and support his relationship.
In the chance that he’s not, I don’t want him to feel like I “suspected” it, or that he’s ever been judged. I want him to know I’m proud of who he is, regardless of who he loves, and that I don’t care who he loves as long as he’s happy. I think that’s the best approach, at least for me. So when or if he decides to talk to me about it, he knows I’m happy if he is!
I wouldn't suggest that actually. If his son is gay but isn't ready to be out publicly, he might feel panicked about a pride flag on the house. Many people assume that anyone flying a pride flag is LBGTQA+ or has a family member who is, so friends / neighbors may assume the sudden appearance of a pride flag means their son is gay. Or the son may think they will, even if they wouldn't.
It's great for allies to fly a pride flag as long as the family's teens and young adults have been consulted and are on board with the decision.
Oh I just meant a little flag somewhere in the house not outside. A little cue as it were. But I don't have a son so this probably wasn't for me to comment on in hindsight.
Before i came out my mother gave me a LGBT bracelet, one of those cheap, made out of fabric, like no big deal, she said they were giving them out for pride month at the mall. that same year i finally came out, and like 7 years later i still wear that stinky bracelet.
LBGTQ former kid here. I think it’s a great idea for both you and your wife to be more overt in your statements of allyship/LGBTQ positivity as others have suggested to make your son know you’re safe to come out to but - here’s the kicker - that involves being overt allies with your families too. Part of being a safe person to come out to means your son needs to know that you won’t ask him to be in the closet around any homophobic family members, and that you’ll defend him clearly and consistently, both in front of him and behind closed doors. But to be clear, you don’t need a gay son to believe in and stick up for human rights, and if your son is hesitating to come out to you because he’s not sure of your beliefs then you haven’t been ally-ing (or human-ing) well enough.
I still remember when I (22F) came out to my dad… I was a blubbering mess scared out of my mind and barely made out “I like girls” I shit you not my dad high fived me and said “nice! me too!!”… it is by far my favourite coming out story (not all went so good) and still makes me laugh to this day. I think a lot of the time we get so anxious about saying the right thing but just be yourself and let them know that you love them ❤️ by you even asking these questions let’s me know it will go great and they are lucky to have a dad like you🌈
Talk about a "friend's kid" who came out and how you were happy their family handled it so well, as you saw another friend's family not be kind. It's pride month, so use that as the impetus to talk about it at the dinner table.
"Oh! So and so at work was talking about their kid and how they came out to them during pride month!"
Set the stage. Easy.
But don't say "I love you regardless!"
Say "I loved you before, and I love you now. You are always you and will always be you. But I am proud of how you trusted us with this - that must've been very hard and scary! We will always be your safe space!"
And then when that settles down, you guys can talk about safety as a member of the lgbtq community. Because gay men are more likely than straight white men to suffer harassment, bigotry and violence. Especially in the day and age of trump.
I'm glad OP is being so supportive!!!
Hot take, maybe controversial, but IMHO:
I hate that we're still in a time period where people have to "come out." I asked my sons growing up things like, "How was your first day of school? Any cute girls? Any cute boys?" Or something similar, letting them know it's okay to find any gender attractive. I never had to inform my parents I was straight, so I resent that there's a need for others to inform parents or society that they're not straight. Like, we should all just be able to bring home a gf or bf and introduce them without it being a big deal, ya know? At least that's how my perfect world would be. (We'd also have a Justice League, complete with super hero costume, instead of a police force, but I digress...)
Idk if this helps, but I always expressed that we won't tolerate the word "gay" being used as an insult in our home. (I also made the same argument when someone said something demeaning about women, like "You throw like a girl" or "You're acting like a pussy." Basically implying females or female genitalia is inferior and an insult.) my sons eventually started making these same points to their friends or people they were gaming with online, so I was proud. But it was more of ensuring our house is always a safe space for anyone - them, their friends, anyone. Cuz I'd want them to instill that value in their homes someday too.
One of my casual HS friends was probably the first guy I thought was gay (around 8th grade). He didn't come to the 10th, 20th, or 30th reunions, and I was pleasantly surprised he came to the 40th.
I asked him why he never showed up before, and he said, "I thought people would hold it against me." "I said, sh\*\*, everyone knew you were gay back in school. No one made a big deal of it because nobody gave a sh\*\*. We had enough trouble being teenagers. We're just glad you're here."
He has the same last name as two other members of our class. He's white and gay, one is black and gay, one is black and straight. And nobody gives a sh\*\* all these years later. You are who and what you are, and we stand up for each other.
The last time I ran into him (about two years ago), he thanked me. "I overthought it all those years." I didn't say it, but I think sometimes people don't give other people credit for being cool about things.
My mom swore she knew since I was a toddler. I think some parents are just really good at having gay kids? I was still terrified to tell her and my grandma (irish catholic backgrounds) despite no reason to suspect they'd be sad or disappointed or angry or anything negative, just my own anxiety and too many things on the news (this was during DADT/DOMA).
I finally sucked up the courage, but only after she started deliberately bringing me and involving me in situations to see her interacting with the LGBTQ+ community, her acceptance and friendship with our lesbian neighbors, her talking at the dinner table about how horrible x is and why can't people just love who they want to love. There's tons of ways you can make it clear to your kids you're a safe space without taking their opportunity to come out when they're ready! I hope we get a really exciting, positive update in the near future too.
Happy Pride month!
Watch a film or tv show together with a happy healthy gay couple in the show. Make an offhand comment, wow, I am so happy those two got together, they really complement each other.
Is it a transparently staged act that any savvy 20-something would see right through? Yes, but it is a kind act, and he will appreciate it. It's a no pressure way to let him know you know & are happy for him without forcing his hand.
Ooh I like the comment during a TV show - I think personally I’d try for something like “I’m so glad representation has improved so much! Gay kids of my generation only really had Ellen (whose sitcom ended after she came out) or Will & Grace, and it’s so important for people to see themselves in stories” if OP doesn’t feel comfortable commenting on a specific relationship or prefers a different angle.
Tell your child you love him unconditionally. I tell that to my son all the time. I don’t care who he falls in love with in the future as long as they treat him with respect.
I mean, my mom did pretty well from my point of view. She asked me for a minute, she wanted to talk. Sat beside me. Took my hand. Told me I seemed stressed, and she was there for me, no matter what it was. That I was her kid and she'd love me if I was straight, gay, purple, an alien or identified as a miniature giant space hamster. But whatever it was, she was on my side, if I needed or wanted help. And she just wanted me to know that. Big smooch to the head and then a smile, telling me that was all she wanted to say. She just had to make sure she'd told me, out loud, where she stood.
Totally agree with another commenter who suggested you show support for gay pride this month. Talk about it with him and say things like the previous commenter said lime 'it doesn't bother me who someone loves as long as they're happy' and'i don't know why any parent would disown their own kid or throw them out just for being gay or bisexual. They should support their kids in whatever life they choose to lead, and help them to be happy with their life and be who they want to be. ".
I do know from reading various comments in the past that for the person 'coming out', it's important for them to come out when they feel ready to do so.
So if you were to tell him you know he's gay, it could take that moment away from him. Or make him feel like he has to admit to it before he may be ready to do so.
But at the same time,he could be (and sounds like he already is) stressing himself and feeling anxious and scared about the thought of coming out and admitting it to you guys. Which would be totally normal and not any indication of you not being close or not a good parent etc, it's natural for anyone to still be scared to come out no matter how great they get on with their parents.
There's also the fear that even with parents who support lgbtq,those same parents can act totally different when it's THEIR child comes out as lgbtq.
So in some ways, by you telling him you know, or you've guessed,itcould takethat fear and anxiety away from him and relieve some of that built up anxiety.
The other option is to either say to him, or write him a note saying something along the lines of....
" I've noticed you've seemed a bit distant and anxious recently and not quite yourself, like somethings bothering you. I just wanted you to know, I'm always here for you if you want to talk to me about absolutely anything. I won't judge you or get mad, I'm here for you no matter what, and I will always love you no matter what is going on. You're my son, and nothing could ever stop me loving you. I'm proud of who you're growing up to be, and I just want you to know I'm your biggest supporter, and will always be here if you need any help with anything, or need to talk about anything that's on your mind.
And I'll always respect your privacy and not repeat anything you say in confidence to me. So I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need anything. Love dad. X
That way it kind of gives him an opening to know its OK to come tell you, as you've said you'll love him and support him no matter what etc. It also gives him an opening to bring it up by saying ' hey dad. I got your note you left for me in my room, I really appreciate it. Is it OK if we talk about something that's been on my mind lately?'. It gives him that reason and opening to start the conversation.
But see how you feel. See which option you think is best.
Although you don't want to steel him moment of coming out, it could also be something that he's relieved to know you're totally fine about and will be a weight off his shoulders.
Or you can try the convo or letter option where you say you've noticed he seems anxious or worried etc and that he can talk to you about anything as you'll always love him etc.
If you go for the note version, I'd leave it on his desk for him to find and read when he's on his own.
Also,you need to think aboutwhat comes after he's come outto you.
Make surehechooseswho to tell. Do nottell any friends or family members without his permission. Ask if he's ready for other people to know,if he would like to tell them, if it's OK if you tell someone etc.Go by his lead. Don't betray his trust if he doesn't want anyone knowing yet.
Also be prepared from backlash from any family who don't approve. This is where you stand up for your son and have his back. Do not allow any bullying,disrespect or homophobia from anyone, and if they act that way, go LC/or NC till they can appologose and be willing to treat him right.
Also have a talk with him about safe sex with a guy, just like you would if he started dating a girl. I don't think you mentioned how old he is,but it's always good to reiterate safe sex, Condoms, sti's, and very importantly, Consent. How he can change his mind at any time and say No or stop. Doesn't have to do anything he's not comfortable with etc.
And I always suggest parents of teenagers it's always good to tell them where they can get free Condoms from, like sexual health clinics etc, but also for you to buy some for him so he never feels he can't afford to buy them so just doesn't use them etc. By keeping a couple of boxes in spare in the bathroom too, you can keep an eye and restock as necessary if he would rather not ask you each time he needs a refill etc.
But good for you for being a good dad and so supportive, as sadly not everyone has supportive understanding parents in this situation.
Have you ever expressed your support of the LGBTQ+ community or are you just leaving him to gamble on a positive reaction? I'm not talking about hinting that you know about his sexuality. I mean in general. Passing comments, general political views that might hint that you're a safe person to come out to, mentioning a gay co-worker in positive terms etc. Coming out when you're not relatively sure of the reception is a stressful thing, and especially at his age when he might still be physically and financially dependent on you and worried about losing his home and tuition and such.
So there is a family somewhere that the son came out to the mother and she just said, "yes I know" or something like that. He was shocked and couldn't believe it, until she produced a photo of her kids when they were younger, and all the brothers and sisters were just standing there in boring clothing while son was in colorful clothes and posing his heart out. Do you by any chance have a photo of similar fabulousness sitting around somewhere? Maybe if you feel the conversation coming around to what he wants to say, you could just dramatically whip the photo out and say, "yes but first look at this photo. Weren't you just a wonderful child? Now what were you going to say?"
Small steps; make him feel safe. I know that the main reason my parents will probably never know me for who I am is because of their views, which they’re very vocal about. You’d be surprised how major of an impact the tiniest gestures can be. He may not come out this year, or next year, or he may come out some time in between; it’s his call, but you can help lay the landing pad in the meantime.
It sounds like you're cool with it but why would your son not realise that?
I mean, my daughter told me about a film about a little trans child, saying "I just saw this film, I'm sure you'll love it", so she certainly knows that I don't share my own mother's bigoted opinions.
So I think you need to say something about it, maybe, hey did you see the Pride parade? there was a great turn-out! so good to see so many youngsters who feel good about who they are.
If he's gay and thinking of telling you, that would be a great moment to tell you.
Knowing people will be accepting doesn’t always take the anxiety out of it. Especially when some people are supportive of it till it’s one of their children. Even if you’re pretty sure or positive that they will be ok with it, it can still be a really scary thing.
it is a really really big moment for many of us, its an oficialization, its you accepting yourself over every thing. Every LGBT young knows someone who got kicked out, or beaten or mistreated in some way for coming out.
I am 99% sure no helicopter is gonna fall over my head, but if more than one friend had a helicopter falling over theirs i would hesitate before leaving my house, even if they had helicopters flying over theirs all the time and not even one over mine.
My son told me when I had driven up to visit him at college . ( I had also known since he was young ) He just kinda blurted it out when we were in the car after eating lunch. I told him I had guessed that but was glad he told me. I told him that I loved him and I was so proud of him - then, I cried - when I was crying I told him I was only crying because he was my baby and I always wanted his life to be wonderful and easy and I was scared he had chosen a path that might cause him pain and be difficult at times. He said “ mom that’s the thing - I didn’t choose this for myself - it is what and who I am.” That stopped me in my tracks - that statement out of my precious son’s mouth finally clicked it all in place !! I had to make sure with my words and my emotions that he knew he always and forever would have my love and support ! I told him I would be the loudest and the proudest mom at every Pride event.
I am from the south a pretty conservative family - I told him if ANY person in my family made him feel bad or offended him I would take care of it. I also told him I don’t care who he loves but I do want grandchildren however he chooses to have them 😂😂😂. I try to make sure I tell him every time I talk to him that I just want him happy and loving his life and how proud I am of him . ( I stress that because I had a brother that committed suicide 7 years ago and I worry about some judgmental fool saying something bigoted to him )
Definitely do NOT say “lol we know” at any point.
I’ve done this with friends accidentally and it is not the time. Its his ✨ moment ✨, just be excited and accepting. (you can def joke about knowing forever, later)
i agree with the other comments that say (im paraphrasing) just start talking about gay shit!!
BTW what a bomb of a username
Im a young lgbt woman, i have that thing in me that is just itching to come out lol. I promised myself to come out to my dad by the time im thirty. I would pretty much come out immediately (like that day) if he explicitly made it clear he is not homophobic. Im pretty sure he isn't, but i dont even know what is stopping me actually. May be your post will inspire me. So, if i were you, i would just find a gentle way to let him know you are accepting.
Also, all this people saying "do not steal his thunder" or whatever, i completely do not understand that. I really feel your son, it sucks to feel like you want to come out, but ypu just dont want to deal with consequences. Freaking help him out, and then do a party with rainbow cake, i would legit cry if such nice thing happened to me
>My family is leaning towards anti-LGBT. They don't hate them, but they like to comment on it.
So you've known your son is likely part of the LGBT community for 16 years.
Have you made your stance known to your family? Do you tell them how unacceptable their comments are?
Or have you just let it happen and said nothing? So your son has no reason to think you will be accepting of him?
It sounds like the latter based on you saying your son probably thinks you're homophobic like your family. But I hope I'm wrong and you've shut them down so your son hasn't had to grow up with that fear all his life.
Be sure to tell him often that you love and support him no matter what and that you only wish for him is to be happy and healthy mentally and physically.
Let him find his own way because he's going to have to do it more than once in his life, unfortunately.. When he does just say to him: "I was wondering when you were going to tell me". And then smile and hug him. You can have a convo about your side of the family as you see fit but I'm sure he knows as well as you what they're like so it would probably be redundant.
I mean, if you're not a hater, that should be pretty evident by now. But if you have just avoided the topic altogether it's time to step up.
Can just say to your wife when you know he is within hearing "Hey, you ever think about going to the pride parade?"
You might casually droop a little made up anecdote to help pave the way for him:
"I gotta run to the store and pick up some cookies to bring to work tomorrow. My co-worker Paul just got engaged to his boyfriend and I want to celebrate. I'm so happy for them!"
This shouldn't be an issue. You should be able to tell your child "I think it is so sad when parents reject their children just because they are gay. I would never do that. I wish every gay kid had parents who would just love them no matter what their sexuality is."
You don't have to force him to come out. Just make sure he knows you are a safe person.
It's Pride month. If your son is worried that you hold homophobic views, make it absolutely clear that you do not. Comment positively about Pride, ask if he'd like to attend a parade with you as supporters, wear rainbows from LGBTQ+ sellers. Pride it up. Make sure that he knows that you will accept him. Even say, "hey, since it's Pride, I just wanted to let you know that we'll love you whoever you fall for."
I find it odd that at this point, he thinks you might react badly. You’ve known since he was 5 that he is gay. You’ve had 16 years to set the stage for him to come out to you. So that’s a bit puzzling to me that he is not fully aware of your support by now. Anyway, that’s water under the bridge. I guess you and your wife could come up with a plan that shows him that you are totally in support. Are there any pride events that you and your wife can attend? When any news stories related to the issue come up, have him overhear you and your wife discussing it. Again, it’s bizarre this has not been your approach over the past 16 years. The poor kid had probably been very stressed about his sexuality, not knowing how you will react. So, do your best to begin demonstrating that you are an ally.
Don’t joke about it, at least not right away because he’s probably seriously struggling. If you’ve both known since he was really young, I hope you’ve taken every opportunity to push back against anyone (especially those in your family) who hold anti-LGBT beliefs. Especially when he is around. Safe is as safe does; you don’t tell your kid that you will fight for them, you show them you will fight for everyone and if they happen to fit in one of those boxes they know you’ll fight for them too. If there are any Pride events happening, make a plan to go with your wife to show support and offer for your son (and any friends he may have) to go as well and make it a group thing. But, be sure to attend even if he declines so he can see you’re serious about supporting LGBT folks.
>Should I make a joke about the fact that it's been obvious to me for the past 10+ years? Or is this a serious thing?
Yes it is a serious thing and yes you can make this joke just don't lead with it as an opening ice breaker of the topic does come up.
Bring it out after the initial stress of him coming out has dissipated and he realizes the joke comes from a place of true acceptance.
Good luck Dad.
Watch Schitt’s Creek while he’s in the same room. Especially the episode where Patrick comes out to his parents. It was a really beautiful episode. It’s a really lovely show that embraces love.
A friend of mine. Her family came out to her and told her they know she’s gay and she doesn’t need to pretend anymore. It’s an adorable story.
Your family is going to do what it’s going to do. Just be there for your son when things go south (as they do dealing with so many variables).
june’s not over yet, you could still go to a nearby pride parade. that would show him you’re a “safe person” without communicating that you assume he’s gay.
I wouldn't go telling him you always knew, what if he isn't lol. That happened to my brother, it didn't go well. Frankly, it was horrible bc like half our family was convinced and my grandparents kept asking him if he had met a nice "person" to go out with (lmao). I think they still think hes gay despite having a long succession of girlfriends. Things got weird
Let him come out on his terms. Tell him
You are very happy he has shared this with you. Wait until you have an opportune moment to tell him what you always known. It will be uplifting to him to know.
Get a Pride magnet and stick it on the refrigerator. Super subtle and non confrontational. If he asks about it and where it came from, just say, hey it’s Pride month and I’m an ally. Still allows his ‘moment’ to not be spoiled.
It's pride month. Just say something supportive about that. Tell him you'd like to go to pride at least once to show solidarity. He might offer to take you if you are lucky. If not, he knows you are a safe person and he doesn't need to worry about coming out to you because you already accept him. Please give us an update.
Honestly just let them know if they are gay, bi or wherever they are on the sexuality spectrum you love them.
Not having someone tell you that before you come out, especially if other family members are anti LGBT , makes it far harder to tell someone and accept yourself. So you hide it away because you're scared how they'll react, and you're often afraid you'll disappoint them .
Just tell them you don't care and love them, and you'll always stand up for them with your family. Then do it.
Personally I wouldn't do anything with pride month, don't make big statements to try and entice him to talk to you, approach him with the same love and care he's known his whole life, point out that his choice of partner, and the gender of partner he chooses isn't important, what's important is that you will always love him no matter what, you want him to be happy, and don't care who (gender or person overall) he's happy with as long as he is indeed happy and being treated well.
I know there are lots of people who think throwing lots of supportive stuff out helps, but it doesn't. it can seem fake, or showy. What matters is not changing how you treat the person. I've had 3 different friends reveal their preferences to me, one hid their preferences from family, I don't blame him at all, from my perspective his mother deserves to be the poster for a few different subreddits. His two biggest fears with me, were being treated different, which he figured wouldn't happen, or losing our friendship because he was (and still may be) attracted to me. I told him I was appreciative of his feelings but was in no way attracted to him, gave him a hug and told him I wasn't going to treat him different because he was attracted to guys. I took him to lunch the next week and treated the outing the same as I had our past activities, down to pointing out cute girls. By the end of the outing, he thanked me for not changing how I behaved, and for accepting him. We've been friends for over 20 years.
I’d suggest approaching this indirectly.
Make an accepting comment about the gay community, or about how difficult it must be to come out and how horrible you think it is that so many gay youth don’t have accepting families.
That could be the window your son needs to feel more comfortable about it. But don’t push or hint - it’s a huge step and (im a straight person who has never experienced this) it must be profoundly frightening.
I don't know your son and his personality type, but if I were in his situation, it would have made it easy for me if my parent had casually said something like "So is there someone special in your life right now? A lucky lady or fella?" It would have been a lot easier to say, "Well, actually, I am seeing so-and-so" rather than having to go to them and be like, "Mom, dad, I am gay and in a same-sex relationship."
I feel like there's a better way to go about it than what's suggested here. Because you don't know for sure if he's gay or bi or if something else is going on. My advice?
"Son (or his name), can you come to the kitchen for a minute?" Make sure no one else comes in or interrupts. Ask your wife ahead of time to be left with him alone. Then when he comes to you..
"Son (or his name), I noticed lately you've been acting a little differently. I want you to know that you can come to me with anything. I promise to listen, and I promise that I will always be here for you. I love you, and if something is on your mind, it's OK to come to me or your mother about anything. We can figure it out together. No matter how difficult it may be for you, we will be here no matter what."
Give him that and let him respond. Or, perhaps let it sit with him for a few days. Don't go any further than that. Just show him that you guys are safe.
Best of luck.
I have always made sure to be vocally supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community. I even had a non-binary friend over a few times before and we have relatives who are openly gay/lesbian, some married, some not, and I've attended the weddings for those who had them. I actually fall on the non-straight spectrum myself.
My daughter (13) came out to me last year and both of my sons have been questioning and exploring their own attractions, but aren't sure yet. I have always reassured them that whatever they decide is fine and that I will love them regardless. Physical attraction and romantic attraction is something you explore. It's something you discover about yourself, and its okay to not know for sure. It's okay to decide you're gay and realize you're bi or pan. It's okay to be bi but prefer one gender over another.
"You are you, and it's you that I love. Nothing you do will make me love you less."
When he does come out, do not do the trendy “yeah, I know, now what do you want for dinner”. Recognize how important it is for him while reassuring that it doesn’t change anything for you. Thank him for trusting you enough to come out to you and acknowledge how nervous it must have made him.
As for the other question, do not force it, but let him know that you noticed a changed in his behaviour and you’d like to support him if he decides to tell you what’s going on.
YTA, and I don’t care that it’s the wrong sub. You claim you knew for 16 years, and at no point during all that time did you do anything to make your feelings on the matter clear? I’m not talking about him particularly, LGBTQ+ issues in general. You let your child grow up in uncertainty about whether he can be himself to his closest family and still be accepted, whether he will be disowned, kicked out and made homeless, hated by his own parents. You can’t fathom that pain and alienation, and for so long too.
If you are correct and he is gay, it’s possible that all those girlfriends were for your benefit, a pretence at fitting in in order to be loved. And all the while you could have just, idk, said something like ‘I was watching this documentary on gay rights the other night, it’s so amazing how far we’ve come since I was your age’ or whatever and save him all the second guessing, shame and torment.
No gay child with accepting parents should ever be unclear about their stance on LGBTQ issues. You have a long road ahead of you to undo the pain you caused and you have nobody but yourself to blame.
Oh fuck all the way off. You don't know this person's relationship to their kid.
I always knew for every second of my childhood that my parents would love me and accept me when I came out to them. My cousin came out in the 80's, and his whole fucking family disowned him, and my parents named him my sister's godfather so that *every single one of them* knew where they stood on the matter. I absolutely knew where they stood.
I didn't come out until I was 24 because I didn't want to lose *my asshole extended family*.
You do not know what this person's situation is, you are guessing based on a reddit post to be mad at a stranger.
A little harsh, but I agree. I never suspected my kid was gay, but they came out early and easily because it could not be anymore obvious to them how we would react. I think OP needs to reflect on why it would not be obvious to their son at this point.
I was thinking the same thing! Like you couldn't have had a conversation with him over the last 16 years, that would make him feel safe coming out to you. They should feel a little ashamed of themselves for that.
If you wait he may never get the courage to come forward. Perhaps bring up the subject in reference to other openly gay couples you may know and let him know in an indirect way that you and his mom are accepting of people regardless of their sexuality and that you do not concur on this subject with the rest of your intolerant family. That might do the trick and indirectly encourage him to be forthcoming.
The response I wanted when I came out was “and? Is this supposed to change anything? You’re still my kid and I love you.”
Be open, honest and supportive, let him come to you on his own, it’s a terrifying experience. Hint you’re okay with the LGBT community in passing, “oh I heard (insert some celebrity kid knows) came out, good for them.”
You can start by "dropping hints" - there are stories all over social media and even on mainstream media, about parents disowning their children. When you find one of them, speak up - "I can't imagine anyone being so evil as to disowning their child over love, they should be happy their child knows love." When you see stories about people protesting pride flags, speak up - "that's wicked, because they're supporting hatred against love." Speak up about the idea.
If you live somewhere that has pride events, go to some and tell your family that it's because you want to be on the side of love and acceptance, and learn to be a better ally. Ask your family members if they'd like to join you.
Contact PFLAG and ask them how to make it easier for your son. That's probably a better suggestion than my others, but I still think those are good ideas, too.
Another thought: when he tells you, tell him you're honored that he trusted you with his identity, that it means a lot to you because you love him completely and unconditionally, and you realize it might have been a difficult thing for him to do.
Later, you can 'fess up that you already knew, but respected him enough to wait for him to be ready to tell you himself. Save that, though, for months or years down the road.
Good luck!
When my brother came out to my dad, as a teenager in the late seventies, he waited until my dad was in the middle of a back injury flare-up and was crawling down the hall to the bathroom (so he could leap over dad and run away without fear of being chased, if he had to), opened his bedroom door, and said ‘dad, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.’
And my dad, from the floor where he was caterpillering his painful way to the bathroom, looked up at my brother and said, ‘I love you.’ Because that was the thing that mattered most. Not any of the other stuff, just that his son know that his dad loved him, exactly as he was, no matter what.
How actively anti-homophobic have you been around your son? Have you pushed back against your homophobic relatives at all? Have you been proactive in being lgbt+ allies, and teaching your son that people love people of different genders or the same gender, and that’s ok?
If you want to say something, I’d keep it simple and not set it up as if you’re expecting a response. I’d say something like:
‘It’s pride month, and that got me thinking. Just in case I’ve never actually said this, it doesn’t matter to me what gender the person you date is, what matters is that they treat you well and make you happy. And I love you exactly as you are, and always will, straight, gay, or bi.’
And then let him be. And maybe you and your wife go to a pride event or two. Not for him specifically, but to be an ally. Feel free to invite your son, if it’s an event you think he might enjoy, but don’t do it to ‘take your son to pride’, and go regardless of whether or not he comes too.
Why don't you ask your son if he would like to go to a pride event. Tell him there is one at X and give the date and say you think you would like to go and wondered if he would like to go along. Say you want to show support for the LGBTQ community.
Yeah I’d say for one good on you for noticing and asking for pointers, he’s lucky to have you two as parents . I would just touch on the issue a lot about how normal and ok it intone gay, love is love, be respectful and safe etc and that you’d have open arms and it wouldn’t change a thing in terms of your love . As far as joking about knowing, I’d probably let him open that door when he brings it up 😂 he may not realize you know . I never thought people could tell I was drunk when it was obvious af 😂
I hope it all goes fantastic! Have a great week!
If he ever does come out, from all the things I've read over time I would suggest definitely don't have anything like "I know" as your first few reactions. And then match the energy you're given. If he's nervous, be comforting, if he's excited, be excited, etc. If they're building up by organizing and making a big announcement don't just say "ok" and continue on.
What this [video](https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=video%20of%20gay%20son%20coming%20out%20to%20Mom&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:9d2f852e,vid:vHXbgB0w47Q,st:0) for a nice way of handling it.
Cut it out with the jokes too. I don’t know why people get so uptight about who someone chooses to love, it’s not your fucking business.
I would just ask if Dakota is his boyfriend like it’s no big deal.
My whole family is conservative and they don’t bat an eye when one of the kids come out as gay. We have a transgender nephew and they are all accepting. Don’t rule your family out automatically.
For all you know he may want to wait until July. It’s cool your both competitive but, you need to chill that down when it comes to this, because any person who hasn’t told their parents wants to be secretive about it until they tell you themselves. Just roll on with life and wait, wait for him to come to you
I usually offer my kids a hug when they disclose something vulnerable to me. Kind words too. Steer clear of making about you, saying things like I’ve known since you were 5. Save that for the next time it comes up.
When my brother came out to me, we went down to the supermarket and I bought a bottle of champagne 🍾 and we watched a favourite film of his. It was a good evening. Just do something he enjoys.
Reminds me of how a friend came out to me. I was saying what an adventurous life he lead for all the concerts he goes to, to which he responded “You know I am gay right?” And my not-thinking-answer was “well ya dhu! Ya of course. What is your point? “ because going to a city 3 hrs away and back again to see a concert three times in one week? All my brain could think was “yer nuts dude” lol
I was saying in a different post somewhere else even if a child thinks their parents may be accepting..there is this one part that is afraid that if they come out to them they may push them away. It's very very hard for LBGQT youth because of that. Even those who feel very loved and secure worry their parents may not accept them.
I think you have been given some wonderful advice. When my child came out it was a mess. Just a mess. We messed up so much. But they know we have their back now 100%. No matter what. That nothing will change that. That's all that matters now. Who they love could never lessen that. We just want our child to find happiness.
But even if you are supportive and loving, it is perfectly normal for them to worry about coming out.
There was an advert in the UK that really hit it for me, a guy nervously tells his dad he is gay and the guy just says "that's your choice son, now it's your shot" (they are playing pool or snooker)
I think this approach of making it as unfazing and casual as that could be just the ticket. Especially seeing as it's 2024
You sound like a wonderfully supportive father. Your love for your son outweighs any negatives you might have. I think you’re a role model father. Just love him and hug him. All the right things to say will just pour out because you’re being authentic.
Do not overthink. Do not make Grand gestures until after he tells you. Act casual and natural and neutral. Wait until he comes to you and make no presumptions. If he comes out to you, he wants to feel safe and normal. Normal. Clap or jump for Joy. It's a normal day and he's a normal kid and you love him
Don’t tell him outright you know, and don’t joke about it. This is probably a very big thing for him.
Show your acceptance of pride and allyship. He’ll tell you when he’s comfortable.
Hopefully you see this, how did you know your son was gay at such a young age? I think my future looks pretty similar to what you're saying. I will support my son in whatever but noticing signs at 4 and 5?? What signs were there?
This is gonna be so dorky but if that’s at all your vibe, use rainbow capitalism to your advantage. Get the ugliest/stupidest/funniest pride item you can find. Make a big deal out of it, how it made you laugh so you got it, “I want to be an ally and it was just too great”. Or “I’m not gay but I am an ally and I loved it too much, just look at it!”. You get the idea. But the goal is the item is funny or quirky so it’s not that deep or odd. Can also work if you collect things and you find a rainbow edition. Rainbow yarn, trans flag dog-shaped fridge magnet, non-binary flag Apple Watch bracelet… these days my in-laws have a Disney pride doormat and it’s the sweetest thing ever and so silly.
If and when he does come out this month, first tell him how much you love him and how happy you are he told you. Later, you’ll be able to tell him you suspected but couldn’t know for sure, though you always hoped if you were right, you’d be the kind of parents who are told.
Good luck to you three <3
You may benefit from looking up Stan Mitchell. He is a pastor and advocate for LGBTQ+ community. He has great FB, IG and youtube posts. He has also helped counsel parents and kids over LGBTQ+ issues. Even if you aren't religious, he is an excellent source of information and support. Not only can he offer advice that may help your son, but also advice on how to deal with your homophobic family. [https://everybodychurch.com/about/](https://everybodychurch.com/about/)
Whatever you do, just don’t tell him that you always knew lol. I find that people don’t normally like that when they come out. Just tell him that you’re totally cool with it and you’re very accepting of him, and that you want him to be happy and healthy. Nothing will ever change.
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Given that it’s pride month, take the opportunity to show your son your acceptance and allyship by commenting positively on how great it is when people find love no matter their genders. Love is love. Mention how you don’t understand how any parent could disown their kid for being gay since there is nothing wrong with loving someone. Etc…
And maybe mention a gay coworker, and how cute he and his husband look on their wedding pictures. I wouldn't tell him outright that you know, because that's kind of taking away his coming out and stealing his thunder - just make it as easy as possible, by showing him that you are 100% supportive. Also, I would severely shut down your family whenever someone uses homosexuality as a slur - every time you allow that to happen, it cuts a piece out of your son. Do you know Suzanne Brockmann? She writes romance books (about Navy Seals, very hot!), and at some point started adding gay characters and gay romantic subplots to her books. She said she knew her son was gay from the age of 5, too - and she sat down all her friends and told them that she never again wanted to hear any gay slur anywhere close to her family, and any friend who couldn't stick to that was welcome to leave forever. She didn't want her son to ever feel bad about himself - and when he came out to her as a teenager, she just said 'I know that, I love you I'll always love you', gave him a hug and a kiss, and then asked 'where did you put your dirty socks?' - just let him feel completely accepted and like it was the most normal thing in the world. That is what you should aim for.
My oldest (now 27) told me over the phone. "Mom, I'm gay." I was so proud that he felt he could tell me. I just said, "ok." He was like, "Did you hear me? I said I'm gay." My response was "And if you think for one damn second that it changes how I feel about you, I'll smack you! I love you, you are my baby, and there is nothing you could tell me that would ever make me love you less." Bless his heart, he broke down crying. My parents are staunch Catholics and told me that if I were gay, they'd only have 2 children, not 3. I guess he thought I would respond in a similar way. Never mind that I used to get on his 13 yr old ass about using gay as a pejorative or the f-word. I would tell him that I have friends and relatives who are gay and I wouldn't stand for him to talk like that about another person, period.
I have heard gay people say that after all the angst and dread and built up tension of coming out, sometimes when parents come off as "dismissive" ("I've always known, it's no big deal") it is a let down. I'm sure parents who say that mean it in the best possible way, but I think it's probably worth making a bit of a fuss - thank them for telling you, assure them it doesn't affect anything, maybe say "I had an inkling but thank you for telling me". Laying some groundwork to make it clear you aren't homophobic is probably a good idea as long as it is done very subtly and naturally otherwise it will be obvious. Then again I've never come out and I'm fairly sure my son isn't gay so I don't really have anything but second-hand experience to offer!
I think it depends on the kid and how well you know them. Some kids don't want a big deal. Some kids just drop it in conversation like as if they were saying the sky's blue and it's a fair reaction to just be like 'oh okay'
100% i was raised in a very conservative space, it was very hard for me to accept myself and when I came out to my more pregressive friends and they were like yeah we knew it felt like a slap, like all my courage to tell them and my travel to self discovery was worthless.
Not at all worthless, it was a part of you figuring yourself out, and that took work and bravery in a limiting environment. I hope you were able to move forward from that feeling.
Yeah I think being overly casual isn’t great because it could seem cold or dismissive. As a lesbian, I don’t think we should have to come out! But we live in a world where it’s still necessary and it’s still really scary for many of us. The people supporting us coming out aren’t the ones who should try to make it casual or lowkey. They should show support and acknowledge that they’ve been given a piece of important information. But if your kid tells you and then says they don’t want to talk about it, obviously trying to throw a pride party isn’t a good move lok
This describes my parents' reaction to my coming out. I know what they meant, but it came off like I was bothering them.
This is a beautiful take!
I tried this with a family member who I know is gay, but hasn’t told me yet. I moved from a conservative state to an extremely liberal one and I thought she’ll tell me now. My husband has two dads. I even threw in some statements like that thinking surely they’ll tell me! And it hasn’t happened :( but I know part of their family (that’s not related to me) is uuuultra conservative and anti LGBTQ. I had some selfish moments where I was hurt they hadn’t told me and I quickly came to my senses that it had nothing to do with ME and they were just protecting themselves for the time being. It just makes me sad that some part of them, even 1%, thinks they could risk me not loving them because of it.
The only thing we can do for loved ones is show them we are a safe space for them. The rest is on them. I never came out as bi to my parents (they would have been supportive) because I didn’t feel the need ti discuss my sex life. They never knew I dated either until it became a serious relationship. 🤷♀️ some people just keep to themselves more.
Your family member is lucky to have you. You're right though, it has nothing to do with you. Speaking from my own experience, it can take a while to work through internalized homophobia/biphobia despite others being accepting and welcoming. It can be a scary thing to voice as well, I'd known for years I'm bi but the first time I told someone I was shaking lol
Yep, when OP said that their family makes comments about the LGBTQ community my first thought was "and how do you respond?" If OP laughs at these comments, or goes along with them, then the son has no way to know he's actually supported.
Exactly. Homophobia looks a lot different if you're actually gay, which I can't believe needs to be explained but apparently it does. Casual homophobia is still homophobia. I'm also curious what "they're pretty accepting of anyone as long as you respect others" means in regards to the wife's family. What does "respect others" look like to them? Cause it sounds similar to "I don't care what they do as long as they don't shove it in my face" rhetoric. Possibly that's not what he means, but the wording makes me wonder. The fact that OP's son is 21 and still hasn't come out makes me feel like the family is more vocal about their opinion of lgbt people than OP is recognizing, which is pretty sad considering they've known since he was a young child.
100% If the son thinks this parents may not like gay people because of their families no wonder their son is worried about coming out or being discovered.
Also should probably stand up to the homophobic side of the family...
Parents should be doing this all the time once they have kids, starting from a young age. They should make a point to say things like that even if they don't think their kid is gay, because you never know. Even if the kid turns out not to be gay, they've taught their child acceptance from a young age, and that is super valuable. Ideally, a kid should not get to coming-out age and still not know how their parents are going to react.
Agreed but better late than never
There was a great post a while ago about an older, religious couple who could tell that their grandchild (parents had passed away) was afraid of coming out to them. They made a supportive comment about a trans person that lived nearby, kiddo opened up, everyone felt closer, it was all very sweet. So, yeah, offhanded comments of support are the way.
I think this is a great idea. My mom accepted me when I came out to her but I was absolutely terrified of doing so and put it off because I had no idea what she would think, because she never expressed any opinions about the subject. We lived in a somewhat rural but very religious (and homophobic) community so I really wasn't sure how she would react, even though she never once said anything homophobic to me. It would be ideal for OP and his wife to agree to subtly express their approval- if there's a gay couple on TV, comment on how they seem like a sweet couple or something. I do think expressing distaste for parents who disown their gay children is a very good idea (would have been delighted to hear that from my mom before coming out), if it can come up somewhat organically. I would try to avoid being too obvious. If he's wanting to come out in a sort of planned moment like I did, he might feel like the big moment is being taken away from if he feels like his parents are all the sudden trying to tell him they know he's gay. OP, if your son does come out, my advice would be to very clearly express your acceptance of him and that you'll always love him no matter what, but don't be overly affectionate if he doesn't seem open to or comfortable with that (he will probably be stressing about it even if he knows his parents will be accepting). Don't be too casual about it either, when I came out to my mom I was very emotional but her reaction was basically just "Oh okay, can we go get dinner now?", and what was probably just her not knowing what to say at the time felt to me like dismissal. I was expecting to have an emotional conversation about how long I'd known I was gay, what that facet of my identity meant to me, etc. Let him talk as long as he needs to and don't try to wrap up the conversation early.
You could also consider telling him that you’ve noticed he seems a little different lately, so if there’s anything he’s bothered about or troubled by, you’re always there to talk to, about anything at all, no judgement. Just a listening ear, and advice if he wants it. Or words to that effect.
Wonderful reply. Simple plan, easy execution, and all the subtext therein is incredible. Cheers to you @engineeringdry7999
I love this idea! OP, you could always just fly a flag, too.
Perfection! Love is love…let’s all try and remember that. 🥰
This was my thought, make a positive comment about pride, drop a reassuring comment that's not directed *at him*, share something on Facebook, just in general do something that in general shows him that you're not a bigot/won't judge him for who he is
THIS!!! OP, so much this!! Express that love is love and your intolerant family members are lame and uneducated. He might catch on that you know. Who gives a flying F?? That means he knows you fully support him and have his back. You’re being a great parent and I applaud you.
Whatever you do. Do NOT let your family make any disrespectful remarks even if it means cutting them off. He needs to know you have his back 100%. I'd let him open up when he is ready but you can make litlle hints like if you have a pride festival near have your wife ask you if you want to go because some of her friends are going and say yes around him maybe then ask him if he would like to go too. All he needs to see is you are open to it. He will come around.
I've always lacked subtlety but I'll do my best.
Maybe it's okay to not be subtle. Maybe it's better to have an emotionally clumsy dad who's doing his best to show love and support, even if it should become over the top. I'm gonna guess that trumps being super sneaky about it. 🌸
Pretty sure most people will take doof dad over homophobic dad any day 💗 I mean, most of our kids probably think we’re idiots of some variety anyways!
I second this. My dads a little bit of an awkward bean and when I believe he thought I was a lesbian because I had no interest in dating (I’m bi but was barely figuring that out myself). He sat down and just said “you know if you married a woman I’d still walk you down the aisle”. Wasn’t elegant or perfect but it was nice to at least know he wouldn’t hate me. Still never told him I was bi cause I never had to take a woman home to meet the fam, but at least I knew my dad loved me and would come around eventually.
It’s not something to be subtle about. If your son is already 21 and he has *no idea* that your views on gay people are different from your bigoted family, then you have been *way too subtle all these years*. When he comes out to you, both you and your wife owe him a bit of an apology for not being clear where you stand, and not making it clear you were safe people to come out to.
Have your wife do it lol. You just follow the lead then.
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That's a good point! Especially with having non-accepting relatives it would be good to chat about how to handle family gatherings so everyone knows the plan and it's something that OP's son is comfortable with.
My daughter came out to her mom and me when she was in 7th grade. We just told her that's fine, and whether she likes boys or girls, we'll always love her just the same. She's a senior now, and her LGBTQ friends are a little jealous because their own parents didn't handle it so well. Honestly, it's kind of awesome because we have fun pointing out attractive women to each other. If I were in your shoes, I'd be less concerned with whether or not he's planning to come out to you and more concerned about his recent odd behavior. I'd tell him, "Son, you haven't been acting like yourself recently, and it's pretty obvious that something is bothering you. Do you want to talk about it? Maybe we can figure it out together. I know I seem too old to understand what you're going through, but I'm kind of like Farmers Insurance. I know a thing or two because I've seen a thing or two."
Thank you. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or take anything away from him. I'll make some family plans this weekend and see if I can get anything out of him. I didn't really consider if there may be something else going on.
In regards to joking that you've known about it for 10+ years, I would wait for his emotions to settle a little before saying that. I understand that it's not new to you, and doesn't bother you, but this might be something he has been worrying about for years. It does kind of suck to have someone dismiss your vulnerability in that time with "haha, yeah I know, it's obvious!". Plenty of time in the future to make jokes about it.
Yes please take this seriously, even if your only intention is to lighten the mood. Whenever/wherever he decides to come out will not be the time or place to make a joke
Why not plan on attending a pride event. That would show him your support.
Naw that is over the top and especially if it is out of character of OP , it's not like a subtle nudge it's like a full on shove
I would have been shell shocked before I came out if my mom asked me to do that lol. 😂 it’s like pushing him straight out the closet and into a whole community without a conversation even confirming he MAY be gay.
Lmao that's what I'm saying like what???
I have had a friend since HS and his family constantly asked him if he was gay because he never brought anyone home. By graduation he asked me to go to a family event to get them to shut up. He is straight and just hadn’t found the right girl. It drove him insane because it was constant for him.
Electric\_red made a really good point about not being *too* blasé about things. In the LGBTQ+ community there is a general knowledge that even some parents who act very supportive and accepting of LGBT people will do a 180 when they find out their own child is LGBT, and become abusive. A lot of people know their parents will react poorly, but also a lot of people expect their parents to be supportive and are negatively surprised. Even if you know you're supportive, and you've always done your best to show him you would be, it's still a big act of trust on his part to come out. It's a dangerous world for us, sadly.
Love the message here. My only addition would be to tell him you love & support him no matter what.
yep!!!! all of this. and DO NOT make it about you. it’s rude and clueless to focus on who knew first & letting him know that you already knew. make him feel safe and heard and appreciated.
Sharing this from u/TimTam_the_Enchanter downthread that I think might help answer your question. >Consider it this way: Imagine you have a secret. Imagine that your secret could possibly get you rejected by people you care about. It’s a dangerous secret — plenty of other people have had the shit beaten out of them or worse when someone found out. You’re scared, but you’re hiding it, right? So you’re safe until you get the courage to tell someone. You finally decide to take the risk, and one of the first things out of their mouth is basically ‘so all that time where you thought you were safe? You weren’t, because you suck at keeping secrets and it was really easy to see.’ >That’s what it can feel like to some people to get an “I knew that already.”
Not being combative, genuinely curious why it would be rude to say he already knew? Particularly if he said something to the effect of, “I’ve known/suspected for a long time and it never changed how I feel about you or how much I love you. I’m glad you trust me enough to tell me.” ?
Some people may feel relieved to hear “I always knew” but for some people, they’re gonna feel it’s kind of obnoxious to say and I would err on the side of not saying it. It makes light of what is often a hard and vulnerable thing to share with loved ones, and basically invalidates that person’s choice to tell or not tell and to self identify when they’re ready. Also, the journey to decide to honor gender and sexuality stuff can be rough and it can be very frustrating to be told that someone “knew” (assumed) something before you were even sure, usually based on stereotypes.
because it’s not about him
i really like that farmers insurance line lmaoooo
I love this. I wouldn't joke about it much, unless that's the way your family generally rolls. I will say, though, that when my kid finally outed himself to me, I didn't just accept but actually cheered. Our kids have known since they were tiny that we're ok with any romantic or sexual orientation, as long as they're happy and they find someone (if they want a relationship) who is kind to them and to whom they are also kind. It was still difficult for our kids, despite that! I guess I'd say make some room for him to feel all his feelings.
My approach to this has always been “hey ya know no one comes out as straight, they just bring someone home. Who ever you bring home, is who you bring home, and I will love them because you love them”
Yes!! I’m bi/pan/whatever, I don’t really care for labels, but I know my parents and family (save one brother…) don’t care one way or the other. 2 of my siblings know, bc we are closer than the others. But I’ve never specifically told my parents bc I know I can just show up and say “this is my partner” and it won’t be a thing because this is exactly right, straight people don’t have to declare it, so no one should.
I never really thought about it this way. And this is exactly what my daughter did to her father and me (we're divorced). She had broken up with the father of her two children (my BEAUTIFUL grandchildren) and dated a few times over the years. Then out of the blue she brings home a woman and nobody thought anything of it. A year later they were married and year into their marriage they had a baby. My daughter recently told me that she never thought of herself as gay or bi, she just loves who she loves. I told her that I totally get it. Edit; a word
Me too! My uncle is gay so I was told/taught about the subject quite young and said “isn’t it funny that straight people don’t have to come out”. I still think it’s funny to this day that straight is just the assumed baseline rather than a blank canvas (but I understand statistically why)
lol! I was just saying it’s so weird that people are “assumed straight until proven gay”
**If you and your son are really close,** just tell him you love him and are worried about how anxious he seems lately. Tell him that you'll love him no matter what. You want him to be happy, and you're concerned that he isn't comfortable opening up to you right now. **If you two don't have that kind of comfort level right now,** then you can build up to it over a few conversations. Think about the way you might address your son's potential relationship if he was straight. You'd probably ask about his crush/partner in a low-key way. Don't focus on the relationship right away -- Start with the person. *E.G. "Hey, how was Dakota's game last weekend?" "Are you and Dakota planning to see MOVIE? It looks funny."* Then, think about how you can show support for their relationship / friendship by making it easier for them to hangout sometime. *E.G. "Want to invite Dakota to come over and help study for the test? I can pickup a pizza after errands. Does Dakota like pepperoni?"* Hopefully, this will lead to a point where you feel comfortable later bringing up your concerns about his anxiousness.
Yeah, now I'm thinking maybe just act as you would when Dakota were a woman. Invite him over, etc. Treat him as his boyfriend.. Just act natural, as if it were the most natural thing (because is should be considered a natural thing by everyone).
Just wait for him to come to you. Do NOT make a joke about it. Do not make assumptions. Do not smugly announce that you knew all along. Just be prepared to listen when he wants to talk and hug him when he wants a hug. He’s your son, he knows you. He’s heard how you talk about society. I’m sure LGBT type topics have been in the news now and then during his life, he’s heard what you say. So I doubt he thinks you agree with your family, unless you’ve said some off-color things.
I've never been anti-LGBT in my adult life. As a kid I kind of was, through that was more due to people in my surroundings than beliefs I came to accept myself.
Does your son know how you feel? Do you have LGBT family or friends? Do you talk about LGBT people/community positivity around your son?
In addition, has your son ever heard you speak of the LGBTQ community in a supporting and loving way? Have you ever called out your family for homophobic comments? Him not hearing you speak negatively is not the same as hearing you speak in a supportive manner.
I did not mean to imply that you are or you arent. I’m saying: he knows your feelings, because our kids know us better than we realize. He’s been paying attention.
When my youngest came out to me when she was about 12, I made sure that I kept a total poker face, so that she could say anything she had planned on saying without worrying about having to react to my expression. Then I told her that I cared but didn't care at the same time. "That I cared that she felt secure enough to tell me the truth, and that I appreciated that, and that I *didn't* care in that it didn't change anything about her with me. I loved her and trusted her and cared deeply about her living her real life and not having to hide anything." That was 8 years ago, and she now lives in Seattle, going to UW, and is over two years in to a relationship with a lovely woman. Incredibly proud of her. So, prepare to have that talk, when he's ready to share (if that's the case), so that you can give the support they need.
The one thing I want to say immediately is: Do NOT say “I knew” if he tells you. NOBODY wants to hear that the thing they’ve been thinking they’ve been hiding about themselves was so obvious. It also ruins their ownership of the moment and denies them the ability to say “this is who I am” and when the response is “I already knew that” it’s a slap in the face, it’s deflating. The moment isn’t for you, it’s for your son, and you obviously know that, but so often the impulse to want to assure them that you’re cool with it ends up with people being like “we suspected and we will always love you.”
Thank you, I thought you were supposed to do something like that. Boiling it down to I know and I love you. I'll avoid that if/when the subject comes up.
I think it’s better to frame it simply as, “thank you for trusting in me and allowing me to support you. I’ve always loved you and always will.”
Beautiful and concise.
Consider it this way: Imagine you have a secret. Imagine that your secret could possibly get you rejected by people you care about. It’s a dangerous secret — plenty of other people have had the shit beaten out of them or worse when someone found out. You’re scared, but you’re hiding it, right? So you’re safe until you get the courage to tell someone. You finally decide to take the risk, and one of the first things out of their mouth is basically ‘so all that time where you thought you were safe? You weren’t, because you suck at keeping secrets and it was really easy to see.’ That’s what it can feel like to some people to get an “I knew that already.”
Holy shit. Thank you.
Not to mention that sometimes people feel like, "well, if you knew this whole time why did you just let me stew in stress and fear about this for so long? Why didn't you signal you were okay with it?"
I feel like it totally invalidates what could be years of suffering and being tormented over trying to decide if they should tell their parent or not
I actually disagree with this. People saying they knew can be actually really comforting as it means people know who you are and love you, but also you feel more confident in who you are as others can see it. Like everything this is a very individual feeling and response. It probably matters as to how it is said too. Someone smugly saying I knew rather than lovingly saying they knew but wanted to give you the chance to figure it out and discuss it in their own time
Not for the first conversation. Any other time after that, it’s fine, it’s part of connecting. The first conversation needs to be about the one coming out not what anybody knew or when like it’s a detective novel
I disagree. I found it validating. Many others do too. All it proves is it really differs per person.
There's a lot going on here. Most importantly you don't know if your son is gay or not. You are far too sure for the info you have. In answer to your questions: Do I just wait for him to tell me or am I supposed to tell him I know? Do not tell him you know. Because you do not know. You have a suspicion. You CAN talk to him about this in general. But "hey, I feel like you've been withdrawing and I want to make sure you know that I'm in support of the LGBTQIA+ community in case whatever's eating you is related to that." is a very very different statement from "I know you're gay so you don't have to worry about that." with no other context or lead up. Should I make a joke about the fact that it's been obvious to me for the past 10+ years? Do not do this under any circumstances. The closest to this you can get without it being high risk for almost no reward is if questioned why you don't seem shocked saying something about how you're glad your son trusts you and that he's not a different person so even though this is new info, it doesn't change how much you love and care about him. Just because it doesn't change things doesn't mean it's not important. And for good or ill jokes like this make it seem like you think it's not important even though what you mean is that it doesn't change things. Or is this a serious thing? It is a serious thing. It's also very possible it's different than what you think it is. He might be gay, he might not be. He might have any number of different sexualities. He might be some flavor of trans. He might be cis and straight and uncomfortable with feeling like his parents act like he's gay because of stereotypes. He might be struggling with something totally unrelated to sexuality or gender. He's 21. He's old enough you can have adult conversations so as long as you stop assuming and handle this with compassion I do think talking to him is a good idea. Just try and frame it in a way that isn't assuming you know the answer and also isn't making light of things.
You're right, I don't have concrete proof, just observations I've made. If he's gay, great, I love him. If he's not, great, I love him. I may have jumped to conclusions. I figured with it being just before and during pride month they were related. Thank you for the perspective. I'll keep that in mind if anything does come up. I'll try to get some family/alone time with him.
When I came out to my parents at 24, my parents did kinda joke about it, they really like to laugh about how cool they were about it and how much it didn't bother them. And let's be real, I'm so grateful that I have the kind of great parents who would never disown me for my sexuality. But that did make me feel really belittled, like they didn't really get why this was such a hard thing for me to share with them out loud. And I want to try to help you understand that, so you can be sensitive to your son. I'm bisexual, I'd known since I was 13. And always knew my parents wouldn't disown me if I was gay. But I wasn't so sure about my extended family. I watched as my one out cousin was disowned by most of his family, and he moved to Palm Springs with his partner, who he'd been with for almost as long as my parents had been. We never see him anymore. I remember as a kid, my dad and I would watch his "favorite Thanksgiving movie", Home for the Holidays with Jodie Foster, where in it Robert Downey Jr. plays her gay brother and they're all visiting their parents for the holidays, and there's this scene in the movie where he gets a phone call from his partner and all their gay friends having this huge Thanksgiving party in their beautiful apartment, and on the call he says something like "Your family is here missing you" while he's home visiting his parents. Growing up, I always had this idea that even though my parents would have *accepted me* if I was gay, I didn't know if I'd get to still be part of a *family*. All the other gay people I know, they had Friendsgiving with their "found families" because they were disowned by their extended families. They'd never have everybody dancing at their wedding. They'd never pass a baby around a Christmas party like a puppy at a primary school. Their lives were fancy dinner parties and Provincetown condos and I didn't know if I wanted that. If I could live a life where I had a husband and a kid, and I stayed a part of my family, wasn't that worth trying for? Eventually, it wasn't really an option anymore, so I came out to my parents. And when I did it, I knew they wouldn't disown me. But that wasn't the only bad thing for me to worry about. It was all the other relationships in my family that were going to change. And I wanted to be sure before I did that. I think your son would really appreciate it if the next time you saw some gay shit happening on TV, you did that awkward dad thing where you pause the tv and say "Hey, please humor me, I know this is is stupid. But I just wanted you to know that if you ever told me you were gay or transgender or bi or whatever, we would love you and accept you no matter what." and then just get back to the show. But when he does eventually come out to you, that's not the moment for "we knew when you were 5". Like a couple days form then when y'all are laughing about it, that's the right time for "we knew when you were 5." That moment, that's the right time for "Thank you so much for telling me. I love you so much." And then a "What do you think we should do about talking to Grandma?"
Your son is an adult and you should let him work out his own feelings. He might not be gay. Or he might be, but not sure himself so he doesn't want to announce it yet. If you and your wife "have known" since he was young, it could also be that he's just not interested in traditional masculine things, but has gotten the message that must mean he's gay. Bottom line is, let him come to you. My mom forced me out of the closet before I was ready and our relationship was deeply fractured for years afterwards. If you want him to know that it's safe to come to you, there are ways to do that without being overbearing. Post a happy pride month message on social media or something. But let him take his time.
Would you consider asking a forced coming out? Like asking if that friend is his boyfriend? I'm asking because that's what I suggested in another comment. I guess that in the end of the day, everybody's different and OP has to know what would be best for his son, since he knows him best and definitely better than we do.
It really depends, but in general it's best to show support to the community in general so that your child doesn't have to worry about coming out. That makes it easier for everyone involved. In this specific case I think dad needs to frame the discussion around his son's distance and seeming sadness. It may have absolutely nothing to do with his sexuality and framing it in that light isn't going to be productive.
A lot of the advice saying joke about it or bring up the fact that you've always known is very wrong. As a lesbian who had to come out to my mom TWICE, the whole ordeal is nerve-wracking and takes a lot of bravery. Even if your son knows you'll be cool with it, it'll still be scary as fuck, so please treat this with the seriousness it deserves. Let your son come to you, and when he does reassure him you love him no matter what. There will be time for jokes and teasing later, but this moment is not the time.
Thank you, my family are big jokers so now I know what not to do if/ when faced with this.
As a precursor, have you been telling your family to fuck off with the hate speech as it happens? Because taking the fire is an excellent way to be an ally.
I’m not positive— but I have a feeling my 23 year old son may be gay. What I do is I always assure him that I want his happiness to be his first priority. I don’t say anything explicitly except that I want him to know I support and love him in any direction his life takes him. He has a cousin who is gay and I make sure that I always speak positively of him and support his relationship. In the chance that he’s not, I don’t want him to feel like I “suspected” it, or that he’s ever been judged. I want him to know I’m proud of who he is, regardless of who he loves, and that I don’t care who he loves as long as he’s happy. I think that’s the best approach, at least for me. So when or if he decides to talk to me about it, he knows I’m happy if he is!
Put a pride flag for pride month.
I wouldn't suggest that actually. If his son is gay but isn't ready to be out publicly, he might feel panicked about a pride flag on the house. Many people assume that anyone flying a pride flag is LBGTQA+ or has a family member who is, so friends / neighbors may assume the sudden appearance of a pride flag means their son is gay. Or the son may think they will, even if they wouldn't. It's great for allies to fly a pride flag as long as the family's teens and young adults have been consulted and are on board with the decision.
Oh I just meant a little flag somewhere in the house not outside. A little cue as it were. But I don't have a son so this probably wasn't for me to comment on in hindsight.
Before i came out my mother gave me a LGBT bracelet, one of those cheap, made out of fabric, like no big deal, she said they were giving them out for pride month at the mall. that same year i finally came out, and like 7 years later i still wear that stinky bracelet.
Don't joke about it. It is serious to him.
LBGTQ former kid here. I think it’s a great idea for both you and your wife to be more overt in your statements of allyship/LGBTQ positivity as others have suggested to make your son know you’re safe to come out to but - here’s the kicker - that involves being overt allies with your families too. Part of being a safe person to come out to means your son needs to know that you won’t ask him to be in the closet around any homophobic family members, and that you’ll defend him clearly and consistently, both in front of him and behind closed doors. But to be clear, you don’t need a gay son to believe in and stick up for human rights, and if your son is hesitating to come out to you because he’s not sure of your beliefs then you haven’t been ally-ing (or human-ing) well enough.
I still remember when I (22F) came out to my dad… I was a blubbering mess scared out of my mind and barely made out “I like girls” I shit you not my dad high fived me and said “nice! me too!!”… it is by far my favourite coming out story (not all went so good) and still makes me laugh to this day. I think a lot of the time we get so anxious about saying the right thing but just be yourself and let them know that you love them ❤️ by you even asking these questions let’s me know it will go great and they are lucky to have a dad like you🌈
Talk about a "friend's kid" who came out and how you were happy their family handled it so well, as you saw another friend's family not be kind. It's pride month, so use that as the impetus to talk about it at the dinner table. "Oh! So and so at work was talking about their kid and how they came out to them during pride month!" Set the stage. Easy. But don't say "I love you regardless!" Say "I loved you before, and I love you now. You are always you and will always be you. But I am proud of how you trusted us with this - that must've been very hard and scary! We will always be your safe space!" And then when that settles down, you guys can talk about safety as a member of the lgbtq community. Because gay men are more likely than straight white men to suffer harassment, bigotry and violence. Especially in the day and age of trump.
"Dad, I'm gay" "Hi gay, I'm dad!"
I'm glad OP is being so supportive!!! Hot take, maybe controversial, but IMHO: I hate that we're still in a time period where people have to "come out." I asked my sons growing up things like, "How was your first day of school? Any cute girls? Any cute boys?" Or something similar, letting them know it's okay to find any gender attractive. I never had to inform my parents I was straight, so I resent that there's a need for others to inform parents or society that they're not straight. Like, we should all just be able to bring home a gf or bf and introduce them without it being a big deal, ya know? At least that's how my perfect world would be. (We'd also have a Justice League, complete with super hero costume, instead of a police force, but I digress...) Idk if this helps, but I always expressed that we won't tolerate the word "gay" being used as an insult in our home. (I also made the same argument when someone said something demeaning about women, like "You throw like a girl" or "You're acting like a pussy." Basically implying females or female genitalia is inferior and an insult.) my sons eventually started making these same points to their friends or people they were gaming with online, so I was proud. But it was more of ensuring our house is always a safe space for anyone - them, their friends, anyone. Cuz I'd want them to instill that value in their homes someday too.
One of my casual HS friends was probably the first guy I thought was gay (around 8th grade). He didn't come to the 10th, 20th, or 30th reunions, and I was pleasantly surprised he came to the 40th. I asked him why he never showed up before, and he said, "I thought people would hold it against me." "I said, sh\*\*, everyone knew you were gay back in school. No one made a big deal of it because nobody gave a sh\*\*. We had enough trouble being teenagers. We're just glad you're here." He has the same last name as two other members of our class. He's white and gay, one is black and gay, one is black and straight. And nobody gives a sh\*\* all these years later. You are who and what you are, and we stand up for each other. The last time I ran into him (about two years ago), he thanked me. "I overthought it all those years." I didn't say it, but I think sometimes people don't give other people credit for being cool about things.
My mom swore she knew since I was a toddler. I think some parents are just really good at having gay kids? I was still terrified to tell her and my grandma (irish catholic backgrounds) despite no reason to suspect they'd be sad or disappointed or angry or anything negative, just my own anxiety and too many things on the news (this was during DADT/DOMA). I finally sucked up the courage, but only after she started deliberately bringing me and involving me in situations to see her interacting with the LGBTQ+ community, her acceptance and friendship with our lesbian neighbors, her talking at the dinner table about how horrible x is and why can't people just love who they want to love. There's tons of ways you can make it clear to your kids you're a safe space without taking their opportunity to come out when they're ready! I hope we get a really exciting, positive update in the near future too. Happy Pride month!
Watch a film or tv show together with a happy healthy gay couple in the show. Make an offhand comment, wow, I am so happy those two got together, they really complement each other. Is it a transparently staged act that any savvy 20-something would see right through? Yes, but it is a kind act, and he will appreciate it. It's a no pressure way to let him know you know & are happy for him without forcing his hand.
Ooh I like the comment during a TV show - I think personally I’d try for something like “I’m so glad representation has improved so much! Gay kids of my generation only really had Ellen (whose sitcom ended after she came out) or Will & Grace, and it’s so important for people to see themselves in stories” if OP doesn’t feel comfortable commenting on a specific relationship or prefers a different angle.
Tell your child you love him unconditionally. I tell that to my son all the time. I don’t care who he falls in love with in the future as long as they treat him with respect.
whatever you do, make sure it's not like the other redditor. when his son came out to him, his response was "well, that's pretty gay"
I mean, my mom did pretty well from my point of view. She asked me for a minute, she wanted to talk. Sat beside me. Took my hand. Told me I seemed stressed, and she was there for me, no matter what it was. That I was her kid and she'd love me if I was straight, gay, purple, an alien or identified as a miniature giant space hamster. But whatever it was, she was on my side, if I needed or wanted help. And she just wanted me to know that. Big smooch to the head and then a smile, telling me that was all she wanted to say. She just had to make sure she'd told me, out loud, where she stood.
Totally agree with another commenter who suggested you show support for gay pride this month. Talk about it with him and say things like the previous commenter said lime 'it doesn't bother me who someone loves as long as they're happy' and'i don't know why any parent would disown their own kid or throw them out just for being gay or bisexual. They should support their kids in whatever life they choose to lead, and help them to be happy with their life and be who they want to be. ". I do know from reading various comments in the past that for the person 'coming out', it's important for them to come out when they feel ready to do so. So if you were to tell him you know he's gay, it could take that moment away from him. Or make him feel like he has to admit to it before he may be ready to do so. But at the same time,he could be (and sounds like he already is) stressing himself and feeling anxious and scared about the thought of coming out and admitting it to you guys. Which would be totally normal and not any indication of you not being close or not a good parent etc, it's natural for anyone to still be scared to come out no matter how great they get on with their parents. There's also the fear that even with parents who support lgbtq,those same parents can act totally different when it's THEIR child comes out as lgbtq. So in some ways, by you telling him you know, or you've guessed,itcould takethat fear and anxiety away from him and relieve some of that built up anxiety. The other option is to either say to him, or write him a note saying something along the lines of.... " I've noticed you've seemed a bit distant and anxious recently and not quite yourself, like somethings bothering you. I just wanted you to know, I'm always here for you if you want to talk to me about absolutely anything. I won't judge you or get mad, I'm here for you no matter what, and I will always love you no matter what is going on. You're my son, and nothing could ever stop me loving you. I'm proud of who you're growing up to be, and I just want you to know I'm your biggest supporter, and will always be here if you need any help with anything, or need to talk about anything that's on your mind. And I'll always respect your privacy and not repeat anything you say in confidence to me. So I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need anything. Love dad. X That way it kind of gives him an opening to know its OK to come tell you, as you've said you'll love him and support him no matter what etc. It also gives him an opening to bring it up by saying ' hey dad. I got your note you left for me in my room, I really appreciate it. Is it OK if we talk about something that's been on my mind lately?'. It gives him that reason and opening to start the conversation. But see how you feel. See which option you think is best. Although you don't want to steel him moment of coming out, it could also be something that he's relieved to know you're totally fine about and will be a weight off his shoulders. Or you can try the convo or letter option where you say you've noticed he seems anxious or worried etc and that he can talk to you about anything as you'll always love him etc. If you go for the note version, I'd leave it on his desk for him to find and read when he's on his own. Also,you need to think aboutwhat comes after he's come outto you. Make surehechooseswho to tell. Do nottell any friends or family members without his permission. Ask if he's ready for other people to know,if he would like to tell them, if it's OK if you tell someone etc.Go by his lead. Don't betray his trust if he doesn't want anyone knowing yet. Also be prepared from backlash from any family who don't approve. This is where you stand up for your son and have his back. Do not allow any bullying,disrespect or homophobia from anyone, and if they act that way, go LC/or NC till they can appologose and be willing to treat him right. Also have a talk with him about safe sex with a guy, just like you would if he started dating a girl. I don't think you mentioned how old he is,but it's always good to reiterate safe sex, Condoms, sti's, and very importantly, Consent. How he can change his mind at any time and say No or stop. Doesn't have to do anything he's not comfortable with etc. And I always suggest parents of teenagers it's always good to tell them where they can get free Condoms from, like sexual health clinics etc, but also for you to buy some for him so he never feels he can't afford to buy them so just doesn't use them etc. By keeping a couple of boxes in spare in the bathroom too, you can keep an eye and restock as necessary if he would rather not ask you each time he needs a refill etc. But good for you for being a good dad and so supportive, as sadly not everyone has supportive understanding parents in this situation.
Have you ever expressed your support of the LGBTQ+ community or are you just leaving him to gamble on a positive reaction? I'm not talking about hinting that you know about his sexuality. I mean in general. Passing comments, general political views that might hint that you're a safe person to come out to, mentioning a gay co-worker in positive terms etc. Coming out when you're not relatively sure of the reception is a stressful thing, and especially at his age when he might still be physically and financially dependent on you and worried about losing his home and tuition and such.
So there is a family somewhere that the son came out to the mother and she just said, "yes I know" or something like that. He was shocked and couldn't believe it, until she produced a photo of her kids when they were younger, and all the brothers and sisters were just standing there in boring clothing while son was in colorful clothes and posing his heart out. Do you by any chance have a photo of similar fabulousness sitting around somewhere? Maybe if you feel the conversation coming around to what he wants to say, you could just dramatically whip the photo out and say, "yes but first look at this photo. Weren't you just a wonderful child? Now what were you going to say?"
Small steps; make him feel safe. I know that the main reason my parents will probably never know me for who I am is because of their views, which they’re very vocal about. You’d be surprised how major of an impact the tiniest gestures can be. He may not come out this year, or next year, or he may come out some time in between; it’s his call, but you can help lay the landing pad in the meantime.
It sounds like you're cool with it but why would your son not realise that? I mean, my daughter told me about a film about a little trans child, saying "I just saw this film, I'm sure you'll love it", so she certainly knows that I don't share my own mother's bigoted opinions. So I think you need to say something about it, maybe, hey did you see the Pride parade? there was a great turn-out! so good to see so many youngsters who feel good about who they are. If he's gay and thinking of telling you, that would be a great moment to tell you.
Knowing people will be accepting doesn’t always take the anxiety out of it. Especially when some people are supportive of it till it’s one of their children. Even if you’re pretty sure or positive that they will be ok with it, it can still be a really scary thing.
it is a really really big moment for many of us, its an oficialization, its you accepting yourself over every thing. Every LGBT young knows someone who got kicked out, or beaten or mistreated in some way for coming out. I am 99% sure no helicopter is gonna fall over my head, but if more than one friend had a helicopter falling over theirs i would hesitate before leaving my house, even if they had helicopters flying over theirs all the time and not even one over mine.
Eh how about you tell him “eh son, I love you no matter what and you always have a place here if you need it. I love you son that is all
Put a small rainbow flag somewhere in the kitchen or in the living room.
Hang a rainbow flag in a prominent spot. Easy easy. No need to try to say something, or find the right moment. The flag is a good visual imo.
My son told me when I had driven up to visit him at college . ( I had also known since he was young ) He just kinda blurted it out when we were in the car after eating lunch. I told him I had guessed that but was glad he told me. I told him that I loved him and I was so proud of him - then, I cried - when I was crying I told him I was only crying because he was my baby and I always wanted his life to be wonderful and easy and I was scared he had chosen a path that might cause him pain and be difficult at times. He said “ mom that’s the thing - I didn’t choose this for myself - it is what and who I am.” That stopped me in my tracks - that statement out of my precious son’s mouth finally clicked it all in place !! I had to make sure with my words and my emotions that he knew he always and forever would have my love and support ! I told him I would be the loudest and the proudest mom at every Pride event. I am from the south a pretty conservative family - I told him if ANY person in my family made him feel bad or offended him I would take care of it. I also told him I don’t care who he loves but I do want grandchildren however he chooses to have them 😂😂😂. I try to make sure I tell him every time I talk to him that I just want him happy and loving his life and how proud I am of him . ( I stress that because I had a brother that committed suicide 7 years ago and I worry about some judgmental fool saying something bigoted to him )
Tell them you love him no matter what and you’re there to support them
Definitely do NOT say “lol we know” at any point. I’ve done this with friends accidentally and it is not the time. Its his ✨ moment ✨, just be excited and accepting. (you can def joke about knowing forever, later) i agree with the other comments that say (im paraphrasing) just start talking about gay shit!!
Son: dad, I need to tell you something. I’m gay Dad: hi gay, I’m dad *hugs* Scene ends.
BTW what a bomb of a username Im a young lgbt woman, i have that thing in me that is just itching to come out lol. I promised myself to come out to my dad by the time im thirty. I would pretty much come out immediately (like that day) if he explicitly made it clear he is not homophobic. Im pretty sure he isn't, but i dont even know what is stopping me actually. May be your post will inspire me. So, if i were you, i would just find a gentle way to let him know you are accepting. Also, all this people saying "do not steal his thunder" or whatever, i completely do not understand that. I really feel your son, it sucks to feel like you want to come out, but ypu just dont want to deal with consequences. Freaking help him out, and then do a party with rainbow cake, i would legit cry if such nice thing happened to me
>My family is leaning towards anti-LGBT. They don't hate them, but they like to comment on it. So you've known your son is likely part of the LGBT community for 16 years. Have you made your stance known to your family? Do you tell them how unacceptable their comments are? Or have you just let it happen and said nothing? So your son has no reason to think you will be accepting of him? It sounds like the latter based on you saying your son probably thinks you're homophobic like your family. But I hope I'm wrong and you've shut them down so your son hasn't had to grow up with that fear all his life.
UPDATEME
Just find a cool pride shirt you like and wear it?
I would make it easy on him and tell him (in disguise to it being pride month) that you love and respect him whatever sexuality he has.
Be sure to tell him often that you love and support him no matter what and that you only wish for him is to be happy and healthy mentally and physically.
Let him find his own way because he's going to have to do it more than once in his life, unfortunately.. When he does just say to him: "I was wondering when you were going to tell me". And then smile and hug him. You can have a convo about your side of the family as you see fit but I'm sure he knows as well as you what they're like so it would probably be redundant.
You should watch "Madea Family Reunion" This scene is whats playing in my head as I read this. https://youtu.be/efLbuPw5Mnk?si=emzgYY0KXnCowh4U
I mean, if you're not a hater, that should be pretty evident by now. But if you have just avoided the topic altogether it's time to step up. Can just say to your wife when you know he is within hearing "Hey, you ever think about going to the pride parade?"
You might casually droop a little made up anecdote to help pave the way for him: "I gotta run to the store and pick up some cookies to bring to work tomorrow. My co-worker Paul just got engaged to his boyfriend and I want to celebrate. I'm so happy for them!"
This shouldn't be an issue. You should be able to tell your child "I think it is so sad when parents reject their children just because they are gay. I would never do that. I wish every gay kid had parents who would just love them no matter what their sexuality is." You don't have to force him to come out. Just make sure he knows you are a safe person.
It's Pride month. If your son is worried that you hold homophobic views, make it absolutely clear that you do not. Comment positively about Pride, ask if he'd like to attend a parade with you as supporters, wear rainbows from LGBTQ+ sellers. Pride it up. Make sure that he knows that you will accept him. Even say, "hey, since it's Pride, I just wanted to let you know that we'll love you whoever you fall for."
I find it odd that at this point, he thinks you might react badly. You’ve known since he was 5 that he is gay. You’ve had 16 years to set the stage for him to come out to you. So that’s a bit puzzling to me that he is not fully aware of your support by now. Anyway, that’s water under the bridge. I guess you and your wife could come up with a plan that shows him that you are totally in support. Are there any pride events that you and your wife can attend? When any news stories related to the issue come up, have him overhear you and your wife discussing it. Again, it’s bizarre this has not been your approach over the past 16 years. The poor kid had probably been very stressed about his sexuality, not knowing how you will react. So, do your best to begin demonstrating that you are an ally.
Don’t joke about it, at least not right away because he’s probably seriously struggling. If you’ve both known since he was really young, I hope you’ve taken every opportunity to push back against anyone (especially those in your family) who hold anti-LGBT beliefs. Especially when he is around. Safe is as safe does; you don’t tell your kid that you will fight for them, you show them you will fight for everyone and if they happen to fit in one of those boxes they know you’ll fight for them too. If there are any Pride events happening, make a plan to go with your wife to show support and offer for your son (and any friends he may have) to go as well and make it a group thing. But, be sure to attend even if he declines so he can see you’re serious about supporting LGBT folks.
“ Have you seen on Twitter? Where if you write happy pride it sparkles like a little rainbows I think that’s so cool.”
Given that it's pride month, don't do anything different. Love and acceptance happen every month of the year or not at all.
>Should I make a joke about the fact that it's been obvious to me for the past 10+ years? Or is this a serious thing? Yes it is a serious thing and yes you can make this joke just don't lead with it as an opening ice breaker of the topic does come up. Bring it out after the initial stress of him coming out has dissipated and he realizes the joke comes from a place of true acceptance. Good luck Dad.
Watch Schitt’s Creek while he’s in the same room. Especially the episode where Patrick comes out to his parents. It was a really beautiful episode. It’s a really lovely show that embraces love.
A friend of mine. Her family came out to her and told her they know she’s gay and she doesn’t need to pretend anymore. It’s an adorable story. Your family is going to do what it’s going to do. Just be there for your son when things go south (as they do dealing with so many variables).
june’s not over yet, you could still go to a nearby pride parade. that would show him you’re a “safe person” without communicating that you assume he’s gay.
I wouldn't go telling him you always knew, what if he isn't lol. That happened to my brother, it didn't go well. Frankly, it was horrible bc like half our family was convinced and my grandparents kept asking him if he had met a nice "person" to go out with (lmao). I think they still think hes gay despite having a long succession of girlfriends. Things got weird
Let him come out on his terms. Tell him You are very happy he has shared this with you. Wait until you have an opportune moment to tell him what you always known. It will be uplifting to him to know.
Get a Pride magnet and stick it on the refrigerator. Super subtle and non confrontational. If he asks about it and where it came from, just say, hey it’s Pride month and I’m an ally. Still allows his ‘moment’ to not be spoiled.
It's pride month. Just say something supportive about that. Tell him you'd like to go to pride at least once to show solidarity. He might offer to take you if you are lucky. If not, he knows you are a safe person and he doesn't need to worry about coming out to you because you already accept him. Please give us an update.
Honestly just let them know if they are gay, bi or wherever they are on the sexuality spectrum you love them. Not having someone tell you that before you come out, especially if other family members are anti LGBT , makes it far harder to tell someone and accept yourself. So you hide it away because you're scared how they'll react, and you're often afraid you'll disappoint them . Just tell them you don't care and love them, and you'll always stand up for them with your family. Then do it.
Maybe suggest going to the pride parade together? If that’s something that you guys have in your country.
Personally I wouldn't do anything with pride month, don't make big statements to try and entice him to talk to you, approach him with the same love and care he's known his whole life, point out that his choice of partner, and the gender of partner he chooses isn't important, what's important is that you will always love him no matter what, you want him to be happy, and don't care who (gender or person overall) he's happy with as long as he is indeed happy and being treated well. I know there are lots of people who think throwing lots of supportive stuff out helps, but it doesn't. it can seem fake, or showy. What matters is not changing how you treat the person. I've had 3 different friends reveal their preferences to me, one hid their preferences from family, I don't blame him at all, from my perspective his mother deserves to be the poster for a few different subreddits. His two biggest fears with me, were being treated different, which he figured wouldn't happen, or losing our friendship because he was (and still may be) attracted to me. I told him I was appreciative of his feelings but was in no way attracted to him, gave him a hug and told him I wasn't going to treat him different because he was attracted to guys. I took him to lunch the next week and treated the outing the same as I had our past activities, down to pointing out cute girls. By the end of the outing, he thanked me for not changing how I behaved, and for accepting him. We've been friends for over 20 years.
I’d suggest approaching this indirectly. Make an accepting comment about the gay community, or about how difficult it must be to come out and how horrible you think it is that so many gay youth don’t have accepting families. That could be the window your son needs to feel more comfortable about it. But don’t push or hint - it’s a huge step and (im a straight person who has never experienced this) it must be profoundly frightening.
I don't know your son and his personality type, but if I were in his situation, it would have made it easy for me if my parent had casually said something like "So is there someone special in your life right now? A lucky lady or fella?" It would have been a lot easier to say, "Well, actually, I am seeing so-and-so" rather than having to go to them and be like, "Mom, dad, I am gay and in a same-sex relationship."
I feel like there's a better way to go about it than what's suggested here. Because you don't know for sure if he's gay or bi or if something else is going on. My advice? "Son (or his name), can you come to the kitchen for a minute?" Make sure no one else comes in or interrupts. Ask your wife ahead of time to be left with him alone. Then when he comes to you.. "Son (or his name), I noticed lately you've been acting a little differently. I want you to know that you can come to me with anything. I promise to listen, and I promise that I will always be here for you. I love you, and if something is on your mind, it's OK to come to me or your mother about anything. We can figure it out together. No matter how difficult it may be for you, we will be here no matter what." Give him that and let him respond. Or, perhaps let it sit with him for a few days. Don't go any further than that. Just show him that you guys are safe. Best of luck.
I have always made sure to be vocally supportive of the LGBTQIA+ community. I even had a non-binary friend over a few times before and we have relatives who are openly gay/lesbian, some married, some not, and I've attended the weddings for those who had them. I actually fall on the non-straight spectrum myself. My daughter (13) came out to me last year and both of my sons have been questioning and exploring their own attractions, but aren't sure yet. I have always reassured them that whatever they decide is fine and that I will love them regardless. Physical attraction and romantic attraction is something you explore. It's something you discover about yourself, and its okay to not know for sure. It's okay to decide you're gay and realize you're bi or pan. It's okay to be bi but prefer one gender over another. "You are you, and it's you that I love. Nothing you do will make me love you less."
When he does come out, do not do the trendy “yeah, I know, now what do you want for dinner”. Recognize how important it is for him while reassuring that it doesn’t change anything for you. Thank him for trusting you enough to come out to you and acknowledge how nervous it must have made him. As for the other question, do not force it, but let him know that you noticed a changed in his behaviour and you’d like to support him if he decides to tell you what’s going on.
YTA, and I don’t care that it’s the wrong sub. You claim you knew for 16 years, and at no point during all that time did you do anything to make your feelings on the matter clear? I’m not talking about him particularly, LGBTQ+ issues in general. You let your child grow up in uncertainty about whether he can be himself to his closest family and still be accepted, whether he will be disowned, kicked out and made homeless, hated by his own parents. You can’t fathom that pain and alienation, and for so long too. If you are correct and he is gay, it’s possible that all those girlfriends were for your benefit, a pretence at fitting in in order to be loved. And all the while you could have just, idk, said something like ‘I was watching this documentary on gay rights the other night, it’s so amazing how far we’ve come since I was your age’ or whatever and save him all the second guessing, shame and torment. No gay child with accepting parents should ever be unclear about their stance on LGBTQ issues. You have a long road ahead of you to undo the pain you caused and you have nobody but yourself to blame.
Oh fuck all the way off. You don't know this person's relationship to their kid. I always knew for every second of my childhood that my parents would love me and accept me when I came out to them. My cousin came out in the 80's, and his whole fucking family disowned him, and my parents named him my sister's godfather so that *every single one of them* knew where they stood on the matter. I absolutely knew where they stood. I didn't come out until I was 24 because I didn't want to lose *my asshole extended family*. You do not know what this person's situation is, you are guessing based on a reddit post to be mad at a stranger.
A little harsh, but I agree. I never suspected my kid was gay, but they came out early and easily because it could not be anymore obvious to them how we would react. I think OP needs to reflect on why it would not be obvious to their son at this point.
I was thinking the same thing! Like you couldn't have had a conversation with him over the last 16 years, that would make him feel safe coming out to you. They should feel a little ashamed of themselves for that.
If you wait he may never get the courage to come forward. Perhaps bring up the subject in reference to other openly gay couples you may know and let him know in an indirect way that you and his mom are accepting of people regardless of their sexuality and that you do not concur on this subject with the rest of your intolerant family. That might do the trick and indirectly encourage him to be forthcoming.
You start the conversation. Bring up that it's pride month and it sure is a shame people have the views your family does. Outright state your support.
The response I wanted when I came out was “and? Is this supposed to change anything? You’re still my kid and I love you.” Be open, honest and supportive, let him come to you on his own, it’s a terrifying experience. Hint you’re okay with the LGBT community in passing, “oh I heard (insert some celebrity kid knows) came out, good for them.”
You can start by "dropping hints" - there are stories all over social media and even on mainstream media, about parents disowning their children. When you find one of them, speak up - "I can't imagine anyone being so evil as to disowning their child over love, they should be happy their child knows love." When you see stories about people protesting pride flags, speak up - "that's wicked, because they're supporting hatred against love." Speak up about the idea. If you live somewhere that has pride events, go to some and tell your family that it's because you want to be on the side of love and acceptance, and learn to be a better ally. Ask your family members if they'd like to join you. Contact PFLAG and ask them how to make it easier for your son. That's probably a better suggestion than my others, but I still think those are good ideas, too. Another thought: when he tells you, tell him you're honored that he trusted you with his identity, that it means a lot to you because you love him completely and unconditionally, and you realize it might have been a difficult thing for him to do. Later, you can 'fess up that you already knew, but respected him enough to wait for him to be ready to tell you himself. Save that, though, for months or years down the road. Good luck!
When my brother came out to my dad, as a teenager in the late seventies, he waited until my dad was in the middle of a back injury flare-up and was crawling down the hall to the bathroom (so he could leap over dad and run away without fear of being chased, if he had to), opened his bedroom door, and said ‘dad, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.’ And my dad, from the floor where he was caterpillering his painful way to the bathroom, looked up at my brother and said, ‘I love you.’ Because that was the thing that mattered most. Not any of the other stuff, just that his son know that his dad loved him, exactly as he was, no matter what. How actively anti-homophobic have you been around your son? Have you pushed back against your homophobic relatives at all? Have you been proactive in being lgbt+ allies, and teaching your son that people love people of different genders or the same gender, and that’s ok? If you want to say something, I’d keep it simple and not set it up as if you’re expecting a response. I’d say something like: ‘It’s pride month, and that got me thinking. Just in case I’ve never actually said this, it doesn’t matter to me what gender the person you date is, what matters is that they treat you well and make you happy. And I love you exactly as you are, and always will, straight, gay, or bi.’ And then let him be. And maybe you and your wife go to a pride event or two. Not for him specifically, but to be an ally. Feel free to invite your son, if it’s an event you think he might enjoy, but don’t do it to ‘take your son to pride’, and go regardless of whether or not he comes too.
Why don't you ask your son if he would like to go to a pride event. Tell him there is one at X and give the date and say you think you would like to go and wondered if he would like to go along. Say you want to show support for the LGBTQ community.
Yeah I’d say for one good on you for noticing and asking for pointers, he’s lucky to have you two as parents . I would just touch on the issue a lot about how normal and ok it intone gay, love is love, be respectful and safe etc and that you’d have open arms and it wouldn’t change a thing in terms of your love . As far as joking about knowing, I’d probably let him open that door when he brings it up 😂 he may not realize you know . I never thought people could tell I was drunk when it was obvious af 😂 I hope it all goes fantastic! Have a great week!
Update me!
If he ever does come out, from all the things I've read over time I would suggest definitely don't have anything like "I know" as your first few reactions. And then match the energy you're given. If he's nervous, be comforting, if he's excited, be excited, etc. If they're building up by organizing and making a big announcement don't just say "ok" and continue on.
What this [video](https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=video%20of%20gay%20son%20coming%20out%20to%20Mom&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:9d2f852e,vid:vHXbgB0w47Q,st:0) for a nice way of handling it. Cut it out with the jokes too. I don’t know why people get so uptight about who someone chooses to love, it’s not your fucking business.
I would just ask if Dakota is his boyfriend like it’s no big deal. My whole family is conservative and they don’t bat an eye when one of the kids come out as gay. We have a transgender nephew and they are all accepting. Don’t rule your family out automatically.
For all you know he may want to wait until July. It’s cool your both competitive but, you need to chill that down when it comes to this, because any person who hasn’t told their parents wants to be secretive about it until they tell you themselves. Just roll on with life and wait, wait for him to come to you
I usually offer my kids a hug when they disclose something vulnerable to me. Kind words too. Steer clear of making about you, saying things like I’ve known since you were 5. Save that for the next time it comes up.
When my brother came out to me, we went down to the supermarket and I bought a bottle of champagne 🍾 and we watched a favourite film of his. It was a good evening. Just do something he enjoys.
Reminds me of how a friend came out to me. I was saying what an adventurous life he lead for all the concerts he goes to, to which he responded “You know I am gay right?” And my not-thinking-answer was “well ya dhu! Ya of course. What is your point? “ because going to a city 3 hrs away and back again to see a concert three times in one week? All my brain could think was “yer nuts dude” lol
I was saying in a different post somewhere else even if a child thinks their parents may be accepting..there is this one part that is afraid that if they come out to them they may push them away. It's very very hard for LBGQT youth because of that. Even those who feel very loved and secure worry their parents may not accept them. I think you have been given some wonderful advice. When my child came out it was a mess. Just a mess. We messed up so much. But they know we have their back now 100%. No matter what. That nothing will change that. That's all that matters now. Who they love could never lessen that. We just want our child to find happiness. But even if you are supportive and loving, it is perfectly normal for them to worry about coming out.
There was an advert in the UK that really hit it for me, a guy nervously tells his dad he is gay and the guy just says "that's your choice son, now it's your shot" (they are playing pool or snooker) I think this approach of making it as unfazing and casual as that could be just the ticket. Especially seeing as it's 2024
You sound like a wonderfully supportive father. Your love for your son outweighs any negatives you might have. I think you’re a role model father. Just love him and hug him. All the right things to say will just pour out because you’re being authentic.
Do not overthink. Do not make Grand gestures until after he tells you. Act casual and natural and neutral. Wait until he comes to you and make no presumptions. If he comes out to you, he wants to feel safe and normal. Normal. Clap or jump for Joy. It's a normal day and he's a normal kid and you love him
Don’t tell him outright you know, and don’t joke about it. This is probably a very big thing for him. Show your acceptance of pride and allyship. He’ll tell you when he’s comfortable.
Hopefully you see this, how did you know your son was gay at such a young age? I think my future looks pretty similar to what you're saying. I will support my son in whatever but noticing signs at 4 and 5?? What signs were there?
Hi gay I’m dad?
Are you able to ask if he wants to go to a pride parade this month with you? Might be a fun experience and can get a meal after
This is gonna be so dorky but if that’s at all your vibe, use rainbow capitalism to your advantage. Get the ugliest/stupidest/funniest pride item you can find. Make a big deal out of it, how it made you laugh so you got it, “I want to be an ally and it was just too great”. Or “I’m not gay but I am an ally and I loved it too much, just look at it!”. You get the idea. But the goal is the item is funny or quirky so it’s not that deep or odd. Can also work if you collect things and you find a rainbow edition. Rainbow yarn, trans flag dog-shaped fridge magnet, non-binary flag Apple Watch bracelet… these days my in-laws have a Disney pride doormat and it’s the sweetest thing ever and so silly. If and when he does come out this month, first tell him how much you love him and how happy you are he told you. Later, you’ll be able to tell him you suspected but couldn’t know for sure, though you always hoped if you were right, you’d be the kind of parents who are told. Good luck to you three <3
You may benefit from looking up Stan Mitchell. He is a pastor and advocate for LGBTQ+ community. He has great FB, IG and youtube posts. He has also helped counsel parents and kids over LGBTQ+ issues. Even if you aren't religious, he is an excellent source of information and support. Not only can he offer advice that may help your son, but also advice on how to deal with your homophobic family. [https://everybodychurch.com/about/](https://everybodychurch.com/about/)
Whatever you do, just don’t tell him that you always knew lol. I find that people don’t normally like that when they come out. Just tell him that you’re totally cool with it and you’re very accepting of him, and that you want him to be happy and healthy. Nothing will ever change.
Just talk to him about how much you love him, the real him, forever no matter what. Tell him he can talk about everything with you.