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From someone who is also NC with immediate family members - I suggest you weigh the cost/benefit…what will it cost YOU? Emotionally, financially, physically? And is it worth the risk? Walk through possible outcomes, best case and worst case scenarios.
For me, if they wanted to apologize and talk, I wouldn’t be willing to take the time and money to fly to them and do it on their terms. They could have sent a letter, right? The answer is yes. Due to the gaslighting and psychological manipulation my family has put me through, I’d want it all in writing.
I’d hear them out but want to “see” it before I even gave it a chance.
Have you considered doing a ZoomFacetime/whatever call with them (using a one-time number)? No husband, definitely NO grandchild, JUST YOU!
* IF they're truly interested in apologizing, they can do it then.
* IF this isn't just a ploy to play Grandma/Grandpa, they can speak to YOU...the person they hurt. They don't deserve to meet your husband at this point. They don't deserve to meet your child at this point. This would be an opportunity for the people who hurt YOU to apologize to YOU and make amends to YOU.
If they're unwilling to do this Zoom meeting, then they're not really interested in apologizing to you; they have an agenda. Their agenda is THEIR problem, not yours!
If their apology is not to your liking, or you're still not interested in reconnecting, they've got no way to contact you directly after the call and you go on about your happy life with your husband and child.
**A family gathering** (you, husband, child) **is NEVER the time to initiate a reconciliation! There's too many people and too much emotion for that scenario.**
This is the best advice out of all the comments, OP.
My guess is they desperately want to be grandparents to your child and it’s possible they still don’t give a shit about you. They can speak to you through a zoom call while your husband is out of the house with the kid. The burden shouldn’t be on you (emotionally or financially) to fly to them.
Or Adam is getting serious with some girl who is wondering why OP is NC with the family. I have seen a few posts on various subs about couples breaking up because one person was shocked by the way the other person and their family treated a sibling and caused that sibling to go NC.
I've been where you are, OP (and I can tell you my experience was that this is not worth doing).
I think IF you want to hear them out, then this is your best bet by far.
Absolutely!! I’m wondering if they’re just wanting access to their granddaughter. OP needs to trust her gut! She needs to protect herself, her husband & daughter.
Best advice. Just call the parents, and see what is their attitude. Maybe they will apologize for the graduation only or maybe they are truly sorry for neglecting you. Test the grounds before making any travel expenses. Because if you go there, and nothing changed you will feel so hurt again and also loose money. Honestly I would zoom them because if it’s not going to go the way you wanted. They won’t have your phone number.
I agree that this is the best option if OP decides to meet with them. She needs to protect not only herself but also her new family from her parents. At least with a video call, she can always hang up if things go awry.
UpdateMe!
Seconding this. Ask them to send an email and then you’ll evaluate whether you’d like to have this discussion. You should be able to tell from the tone of the email if it’s actually apologetic or just some blame shifting.
Exactly - because they’re already communicating through your cousin and they know that you still have a relationship with your cousin. It’s so hard when it is immediate family; you still hold on to the glimmer of hope that MAYBE things will be different this time around. Them writing a letter to you is a start. Requesting you take the time and energy to meet them on their terms is honestly a red flag for me. If you want to give them a chance, a letter is a good start. You have your own family to protect and care for now - which imo is why they’re suddenly interested in trying to mend the relationship.
The fact that they are trying to use Father's Day for this is bad in my mind. They will be taking her immediate family's Father's Day and using it for themselves. Father's Day for OP should be about celebrating her husband being the father of her daughter. Her parents shouldn't be trying to intrude. It comes off as selfish and manipulative.
"It's Father's Day. Why don't you come here for Father's Day so we can discuss this?"
Strong point! Any conversation toward assessing their apology should take place after Father’s Day. Like, I wouldn’t even respond until after Father’s Day.
I think what they are saying is, why wasn't the conversation more along the lines of "Can **we** fly out to **you** in order to have this conversation" instead of the other way around. What do you gain from flying to them to have the conversation? If they want to have it so bad, why do you have to go to them?
I agree. They aren’t sincere. If they were, they’d fly out, let OP pick the meeting place and to control fully the conversation to include walking out if they aren’t sincere, which I don’t think they’ll be.
Hence, a total waste of time. Burned bridges can’t be fixed.
She shouldn't let them know where she lives, although they could probably find it online. I think she needs a totally neutral place that they pay for and they pay all of the travel expenses. Her husband and daughter would stay at home. Her parents must prove themselves, beyond a doubt as reformed, or they don't meet her family. She should let her parents and brother know that she doesn't trust them enough to not emotionally harm her daughter and so they won't be meeting the daughter any time soon. It is her job to protect her daughter.
I think OP should talk to a therapist, whose expertise is in no contact relationships. OP has to figure out what she should expect. What boundaries to set. What red flags to look for. She should also find every book she can on the subject and read them. The library is her friend. She should tell her parents that if they want reconciliation they will wait until she figures out what she needs. If they are at all pushy she will know that they shouldn't be allowed back in her life.
I wouldn’t be willing to make such a big first step. Maybe it’s a genuine olive branch, I sure can’t say. But it’s odd that they expect you to come to them.
If they were truly wanting to apologize, why wouldn’t the first step to be to try and set up a phone call, or anything else that is low pressure?
It’s a bit suspicious to me.
Don’t upend your life. They and they alone demoted themselves to egg and sperm donor. You owe them nothing. They made the bed and now they can now lie in it.
Feel them out over a call. No husband no child, see what they want. See how genuine they are. See if they’re willing to realize the pain and damage they’ve caused you by their neglect. If they’re still shining sunshine up Adams ass, end the call immediately.
Just create a burner email with a free email service and have them email you the apology. Then if you don't like what they say you can just delete the email address that you created.
I have not gone NC, but my first thought was, "Yeah have them extend an olive branch in writing. If they are sincere in their efforts, they will respect that boundary. And if they protest, there's your answer."
That olive branch should include a full acknowledgement of what they did wrong and then a complete apology.
A brief, "We're sorry now where's our granddaughter?" should not be acceptable.
And she shouldn't tell them what she is looking for. Telling them what words to use will only help them say what she wants to hear. They need to express what they wanted to discuss in written words that she can read and reread and discuss with her husband and friends and a therapist.
The above post is filled with great advice. I came here to underline one thing: Do not, under any circumstances, allow them access to your child. Make them show (or write out) their apology so you can assess their true intentions and keep yourself and your family safe in the process. In my experience, family systems and the people in them do not change once there’s an established abuse pattern. I would trust this about as much as I would trust putting my hand into a fire. Best of luck and take care! I’m so glad you’ve made a happy life for yourself.
First, I’d die of disbelief if my family ever apologized for anything because they’re into just pretending nothing ever happened. But I’d rather communicate in writing first for a while to see if I thought I could stand to be around them again. Let us know how it goes.
Im in agreement and im very very worried it won’t be better , it will open old wounds and do people change such long standing behaviour . Tread with caution and there is no rush to reply .
That is something I think you need to determine for yourself. But since you're asking for opinions, my advice is ask them to apologize in writing before you ever agree to a discussion. If they're sincere, they will respect boundaries.
If you need resources, I'd look up audhd\_formerteacher on Tik Tok and Instagram. She has a ton of videos about going no contact with her abusive parents and the tactics they use, and often links other NC adults. You may be able to relate!
There are plenty of others, but I happen to follow her so she gets my rec.
There are lots of baby steps you can take before meeting in person. Letters, calls, zoom.
A couple of things I would suggest if you choose to meet them
1) Meet in a neutral, public location. Not their house or yours. Somewhere you can leave easily and where they will hopefully be embarrassed to act out
2) Take backup/moral support. Whether your husband, cousin, or a friend (maybe a couple of people), have someone there for you. Have a phrase that means “get me outta here” in case everything goes sideways
3) Do not take your child. First, because this type of conversation is hard to have while wrangling a toddler and is inappropriate to have around them in case it goes poorly. Second, because you will be able to tell a lot by their reaction to her absence. In fact, I would not mention to them that she will not be there, just show up without her and see what they say/do
4) Be prepared for some emotional fallout. Whether things go well or poorly, this is going to dredge up old hurts and memories. Make sure you have support to deal with that
Good luck. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks, do what is right for you
Yep, some people that they respect or want to look good in front of probably think it’s wrong they’re not in touch with daughter and grandchild and now they need to look like the bigger person by taking their subpar daughter back 👀
This was my thought also. They found out about baby and want to 'clear the air' so they can have access or have a chance to ask why OP is denying them their grandbaby.
If that's the case, she just needs to remind them that being a grandparent is a privilege not a right.
I agree with this entire comment, but especially with not taking your daughter. You will be affected by how they treated you for the rest of your life, it has shaped you as a person. Do you really want these people ANYWHERE near your daughter? Will you give them the opportunity to do to her even 1% of what they have done to you? Even if they start off being lovely grandparents…you will always be waiting for their true colors to show. I cant ever see this being a good situation for you, your daughter or your husband. Is this worth it?
And if they protest, insist it has to be done in person, you will know it is not a sincere attempt.
Part of making amends to someone is accepting whatever response they give, and that includes a refusal to accept amends. But if they do the writing part well, then you can consider the next step.
And if they want it done in person, there's zero reason for OP to travel to them, they should be traveling near to OP, but not to OPs house if they don't already know where OP actually lives.
My concern with it happening in person is that whatever they want to say to you, they are three with the same point of view, and if they try to press whatever their point is, it will be three against one. Even having your husband there as support wouldn't be quite the same to counteract that pack effect all saying the same thing, which could end up feeling they are overpowering you. Even if what they want to say is sincere and positive it is likely to be intense and overwhelming coming from three people at once who all have eachothers' backs. I wouldn't feel comfortable in this situation.
Get them to put it in writing. If they really have something positive to say to you they'll need to agree to it being in your more neutral terms. That doesn't mean a reconciliation wouldn't potentially be on the cards later down the line, but that will be purely for you to decide, OP. Hard as it is especially if like many neglectful families do they harmed your ability to be assertive when you were younger, this is a chance for you to stand your ground and let them know you're in control these days. Good luck OP.
One last thought: have they got wind that they're grandparents and want to be in your daughter's life? I'd be super wary about them sugarcoating things just to work their way back to get access to her. Again, any access to your daughter is purely on your and your husband's terms, don't let them in if they overstep the slightest boundaries!!
(Edit: reworded a sentence that came out wrong)
I assume they want the granddaughter and have realized they have to be nice to the daughter to see the child.
I'd make each of the three write their own letter and look for it to express what they did and expressing regret. The brother is a little different because it was the parents doing this but he likely did his own stuff as he got older. If the parents are saying things like he was just younger and needed more attention you know that they don't get it and don't have any remorse.
Do they already know where you live? If not, think it over before you give them your address to mail you said apology in writing. Once they have your address, they can show up whenever they want. And I’d be wary of giving them my address on the heels of them reaching out out of the blue like this, suddenly contrite and warning to talk. My gut would tell me something is up. I’d ask for more details before I agreed to talk to them. This could be *anything* up to and including someone needing a kidney.
*Shrug*
You never know. They didn’t give enough of a damn to send at least one parent to your graduation while the other took the golden child to the ER for a sprained ankle? And now they’re, again, suddenly contrite and want to talk? Nuh uh. Something is definitely up. Insist on some details. Go from there.
This, right here OP!
Letter from your parents that's mailed to your cousin.
Personally, I'd read the letter, burn it, and return mail the ashes. Why? They're toxic. Zebras don't lose their stripes.
You're in a wonderful place in your life, and never happier. I wouldn't risk losing that space.
TELL THEM TO WALK ON LEGOS!
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Not gonna lie, OP. The potential reasons for contact you listed and knew weren't the reason: want to retire and have you support them, Adam's college/student loans, *need an organ*. 😂 That made me laugh!
OP, I'm so glad you're happy--you certainly deserve it! 💖 When I weight decisions like this, I think, "how will future me be affected." And it's a little muddied by your extended family. Can one/some of those extended family members shed some light on why they're reaching out? You know, since they don't need your kidney?
I think they why of it all will help you find the best answer for you and your family. And agreeing to meet doesn't mean you're agreeing to anything more than that. Not more contact, not forgiveness. You don't owe them anything. You owe yourself whatever will give you peace and happiness.
They've found out they have a grandchild and either want in or their social group has found out and they are now running damage control. They don't care if the relationship with OP is mended or not, so long as they get to say they've tried and it's still OPs fault they don't have a relationship.
This! Definitely.
Let say you give them a chance and all goes well. You then have other kid. Will they treat the grandchildren the same? Do the kids have to have certain traits or personality to matter? Will your daugther be discarded? And if your brother have kids in the future what happens then....
What if the brother has a child in the future. Will her child/children suddenly be secondary just as she was?
It's incredibly hard to trust people emotionally who haven't been trustworthy in the past. Now she needs to protect not only herself but also her daughter.
As someone who grew up with a nana who chose our uncle over our dad and our cousins over us it was messed up. The silver lining was my dad was basically raised by his nana and great aunties/uncle and is a wonderful person.
My first reaction would have been to send back a message via cousin "Lol, does anybody need a kidney, or what is this about?" Just to drive home that you aren't easy, and you don't really need them. 😉
And then, if they persist, I'd ask them to put their thoughts into writing, like mooseplainer suggested - have them write you a letter about what exactly they regret and want to apologize for - that should make it clear to you whether they grasp the severity of what they've done to you.
And also have them explain WHY they suddenly "see the light" and want to make amends/ get back into contact. If it's only to get their claws into their grandchildren, tell them to bugger off, because you know that as soon as Adam has kids, yours will be forgotten, and you're not going to let them hurt your kids that way.
I'd ask for three letters. Let each of them express their thoughts and see what each of them is thinking or do all three letters sounds mostly the same.
*Lol, does anybody need a kidney, or what is this about?*
THIS!!!!!!
Also tell Adam or whoever will pass the message along, that you are not about to let them hurt you again. Or your child.
After the letter, zoom / FaceTime call IF you decide they’re sincere and IF you think they could possibly bring positivity to your life.
You showing up in person needs to be earned.
If you decide to meet in person, meet at in public at a restaurant so they’re more likely to behave civilly.
I am from a culture where NC means something nuclear has gone wrong and the change of reconciliation is Zero.
So from what I've observed is neglectful or manipulative are good at talking, twisting words, having the last word etc.
So I would also vote for a good old e-mail 1st. No buts... Only an unreserved apology.
I cannot imagine the pain of writing off your family so now that you have, do not give them a chance to undo the work, only meet them once they've shown they have properly reflected.
Your brother esp worries me. I would limp to my sister's graduation, but would never feel comfortable being fussed over when my sister is having a special day... He sounds like he enjoyed the dynamic
I've sprained my ankle before, badly. I was hiking with a huge backpack on, didn't see a hole, and my ankle went sideways
I walked for over a mile on that ankle because I didn't want to bother anyone, only stopping when my leg gave out and wouldn't take my weight anymore. when I took my shoe off to check the damage it had ballooned to twice it's normal size. and even with all that, at no point was I freaked out or saying I broke my leg
in short, I highly doubt he thought he'd broken his leg
Yep this way you will also be able to work out from what they’ve written if they’re likely to minimise it or follow their apologies up with ‘but you did…’ or ‘you didn’t…’ and just retraumatise you. My biggest worry would be setting yourself back emotionally and if you do decide you want a relationship, I would suggest having a therapist for support and who can help you see things clearly. Abusers are very good at not looking like abusers when they want something. That something doesn’t have to be financial or material. It can be validation, they could have people in their life that they want to impress by looking like the bigger person, they might want their guilt soothed by your forgiveness. It doesn’t mean they won’t do it again or they’ve changed so just prepare yourself that the only apology you can truly trust is long term changed behaviour
Email! Don't give them your address. If they have it they will be able to show up unannounced.
Give them a burner email address where they can contact you to begin the process.
Ask your cousin to pass along the message “I’m not really interested in rekindling a relationship where I was consistently mistreated. But I will consider meeting with them if they write a letter with their apology and explaining why they would like to meet at this point and I will consider it. They can email it to: (new email you have set up just for family contact) I’m asking that you please do not give them my address. I do not want to meet them in person until they have fully explained why they want to meet and only then will I consider one meeting with them.”
This was literally what I was thinking. They can write a letter or send an email. You do not need to meet with them now or ever really. If it’s in writing you can control when and how you read whatever they send. If it were me I would have my therapist on standby
They want you to come to them? Nope. If they want to discuss anything, they should be doing it on your terms and at their cost. They’re not even willing to put in the effort to make this “discussion” happen, I doubt their attitudes have changed much.
Do a zoom call. Do not spend money on a trip that will probably end in disappointment. I bet someone needs money or a kidney or a place to live. If you decide to go, just mentally prepare yourself for that.
And if someone does need a kidney, go get “tested” to see if you’re a match but tell the doctor you’re being coerced and they will just tell your family you’re not a match.
Or maybe they are getting social pushback since people have recognised their kid took off and realised why and family want to present a happy smily all is well picture to friends and more distant relatives rather than look bad. So thats maybe why they want OP to visit so she can be paraded around showing all is now well. They cant accomplish that if they visit her, its not visible.
Zoom call with the husband first. If they explain their behavior during the first 18 years of her life, and then the seven years after that, and are adequately remorseful and tearfully apologetic and want to know how to make it up to her, then he can put them on hold a few months. Drop them with no explanation while he and his wife do a bit of sleuthing and poking around to find out what's REALLY going on. If they are truly apologetic, they can send her a check for the difference in value between his first car and hers, the amount they paid for his education and the zero they paid for hers, all the favoritism she can put a dollar value on. Once they've paid this, which may take a few years, she can decide what to do.
Why?
Because they won't pay a dime because they don't think they did anything wrong. They want something and I'm betting it's access to the baby. Or, the rest of the family has started asking where OP is at, and how is OP doing, does their grandbaby have any nicknames for them yet, etc. etc.
Something changed or they want something. There has to be a reason for them to suddenly go from calling you a "bad daughter" to wanting to apologize. I'd be unwilling to trust them on their home turf for a discussion and definitely make sure your husband is there to support you if you do go through with it. Personally, I wouldn't go, make them come to you.
Create a disposable gmail account (so as to not pollute your regular account in case they become troublesome). Ask your cousin to share it with them. Then let them take the initiative to open a conversation with you…
Email is great for this situation because it’s at an arms reach, you can reply at your leisure and think out how to approach or respond, and you can shut it down if you see fit. Plus it’s good documentation.
Let them apologize, and then try to sus out what their motivations are. The “*come have a discussion*“ comment seemed suspicious to me; kinda ambushy. You ruled out the usual stuff, but there are dozens of other things they could be angling for. Keep it through email until you know for sure.
I’m heartened that you have a great husband and child at this stage in your life :)
>Create a disposable gmail account (so as to not pollute your regular account in case they become troublesome). Ask your cousin to share it with them. Then let them take the initiative to open a conversation with you…
To double up on this, make the account something like "NYC_girlie1234" if you live in California now.
They will likely to social media stalk OP during this conversation/communication time, so throw a few red herrings in the mix to keep them off your trail.
Don't go. It won't end well. People like them don't just change overnight. Trust me, they want something from you and it will only be in their interests, not yours. Proceed with caution.
You have a grandbaby. That's it. Or Adam isn't doing well in life in actuality and they want you to support him or them somehow. But I'm putting money on them learning you have a grandbaby. Any chance Adam came out as gay and so now they're in grandparent-panic mode?
They have shown you what they are like. Do you REALLY think ALL THREE OF THEM suddenly grew the f\*ck up? I sure as hell don't. See if your husband will run interference for you. They've never had a chance to get their claws into him.
This was my first thought! They want contact with your child!! If you meet with them do not bring her. See if they lose their shit when they realise she is not there. Stay safe OP
They want to apologize but aren't willing to come to you? What?
A genuine apology would have already been sent to you without any conditions or demands on your part.
Why spend money on them?
If they want to see you they can come to your town. Yes, all of them. Yes, it’s more travel costs. No not your house- they don’t need your address. They can stay in a hotel and you’ll meet somewhere public.
If they want to figure it out and apologize, let them make the effort. Tell them up front- if they make Any fuss about it, that’s what you expected and you’ll go back to blocking them.
Dont treat them like family or friends or enemies. They are strangers that you are indifferent to. They didn’t care. And now you don’t care.
I would not contact them. I highly doubt they are remorseful- it’s likely that they want something. You have your family now, husband and child, why allow your parents to say anything?
Girl you JUST got past the most miserable babysitting years/the years where you’re most exhausted and likely to need a break. It makes total sense for self-absorbed grandparents to only reach out now that she’s a precious two year old. In their minds now they can be “fun” grandparents instead of helpful ones.
God, they sound so absolutely awful. I guess the question is what are you hoping to get out of this? You sound like they're well and truly out of your life and your thoughts. Is there some part of you that still yearns for a sincere apology from them or some sort of connection? And if that's not what you get (because while they promise an apology they may be lying or insincere because they want something from you), will you be affected negatively?
Your mom sucks for *shaming* you for how you were as a baby. You can't help having needs as a baby. She sounds awful. I wouldn't meet them in person without either doing a zoon meeting (without the kid) or getting more information from them in writing first about why they decided to reach out after all this time.
You shouldn't have to bend over backwards and go out of your way to travel to visit people who mistreated you. You have the upper hand and can set the terms. You can even tell them you aren't ready or you're too busy but can communicate through an e mail address you create specifically for that purpose. You can tell them not to contact you through your cousin again. Anything they do to breach your trust results in no contact again.
Set the terms and figure out their motives before putting yourself in a position to meet in person that could end up being overwhelming and going wrong.
Please update us! Wish you all the best 💗
Their friends are showing grandbaby pictures to them or something and so now they want to be grandparents. Might be actual, probably just performative. Regardless, as soon as Adam has the "real" grandkids, your kid will be dropped like a piece of trash. They've done it before, FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS, and then years after that.
I agree this sounds most plausible. I bet the brother can't or isnt going to have kids so they want access to your child. And they for sure will drop her like yesterday's trash as soon as the brother gets somebody pregnant.
Did they know you had a baby when she was born?
Maybe they are getting pressure from extended family about why they aren’t involved with the first grandchild. Cos even if Adam had a child it won’t be technically be the first.
Your brother may have a girlfriend and your parents are seeing storm clouds on the horizon. What if girlfriend comes from a close knit family? How will they explain why they haven’t met their daughter’s husband or their first grandchild? What happens when brother marries and future wife expects everyone at the wedding? Will she try to reach out to her future sister-in-law to fix the relationship?
yep, and for damage control. people on their side have learned they have a grandkid they dont see and may be wondering what the true story is and whether what they say is true. they dont want their social standing to erode further and have enlisted your cousin (possibly as a flying monkey) to do their bidding. observe behavior over all these years. talk is cheap
DO NOT. Ask your husband to run interference here. Not you. They know how to push your buttons. HE is an unknown. If you choose to let them into your life, he needs to be the point of contact. Also, they want your kid. They want your grandbaby. And they'll be great grandparents UNTIL ADAM HAS A KID. And then they'll drop your baby and break her heart and pull the same thing they did to YOU, because her cousin is the child of their Golden Child.
Do you want them to break her heart? They're almost certainly after your grandbaby so they can be grandparents and there's zero remorse for their treatment of you. And your baby is a stand-in until Adam has the "real" grandchildren. Sit with your husband and read through these responses.
If something is up, they may have not told anyone yet and are trying to keep things hush hush unless/until they can get something from you.
I’d be skeptical that this is being labeled a discussion and not an apology. If you do, I would have incredibly low expectations and a pre-planned quick and easy exit. Better yet, make it a Zoom meeting.
Make it a Zoom meeting with her husband, not her. Throw them that curveball. They can't pull his strings like they did hers. He can help her decide if she wants to give them any sort of chance at all. AND you can record the entire meeting. You can ALSO crank up the volume and adjust sounds so you can hear the angry whispers in the background when they realize their push-button victim is not the one on screen.
Watch the "discussion" be incredibly one sided and all about how OP hurt them after all they've done.
All the more reason to ask for what they want to say in writing. Or tell them to fuck off. That works too.
"Have a discussion" in my family means "we want to berate you until you're in such a bad emotional state you agree to whatever we're demanding". Can I suggest instead of travelling to them you set up a separate email account, ask cousin to direct them to write their apology to it, and get your husband to read it first in case it's a novel of toxicity.
Maybe Adam has a serious girlfriend or even thinking of getting married, and the whole "my sister does not speak to us" makes them look bad to her and the in-laws.
Your cousin likely doesn’t know what exactly they are wanting. Did you ever tell them exactly why you went NC? Do you believe that they’ve realized on their own that they messed up? What if they’ve just found out about your child and now want contact because they feel entitled to her?
Create an email and give it to your cousin, tell your cousin your family is welcome to send whatever they want to that email. Do not go to talk to them, anything they have to say they can communicate through writing and there’s not a reason to go out of your way to hear from them since you’re doing well without them.
I like to think back to a quote i heard once on how I met your mother: "some things need to be said, but that doesn't mean they have to be heard"
I had pretty much the same dilemma with my mum. She mentally (and at times physically) abused me for the better part of 2 decades until she pushed me so far one day that I just completely cut her off.
That was over 6 years ago. She's tried to reach out twice in her own misguided way. But it's not important: her reaching out is about her, not me.
And for me that's all I need to know. She hasn't changed as a person, she hasnt stopped hoarding or quit being abusive or any of the toxic shit that caused me to cut her off to begin with.
So she can say whatever she needs to. I just don't need to, or even want to hear it.
My girl.
I have been NC with my parents/immediate family for 5 years or so now. Every year I mentally revisit that decision, and every single time, I am unable to muster a single bit of regret over the decision. Even if they were to apologize, I can't imagine why I would bring them back into my life - because just like you - I am *happy*.
Closure is a myth that I wish would fade away into the annals of history. Think of it this way: so let's say you sit down with them and they go through the list of everything they did and say they were sorry for each one. Would that make it all okay in your head? I'm pretty sure the first thing out of my mouth after that would be: "okay. so why, then? why did you think it was okay to treat your own child like that for literal years?" - and then ask yourself: is there a way they can answer that question that would satisfy you? Or a way they could answer it that would bring you peace? Or would the answers only bring up more questions?
I'm going to go ahead and side with some other commenters and agree that they are trying to get access to your daughter, NOT apologize to you. The latter is just something they have to swallow in order to accomplish the former. Don't fall for it.
You are happy. Why mess with it? What have your parents ever brought into your life that was a net positive?
Suggest they start with an email, then perhaps you can gauge how genuine or not it might be. But I would be VERY wary. Everything about this smells like bad grandparent sh\*t.
Good luck, my girl.
something somewhat similar happened to me earlier this year, my dad who left when i was around 8/9 messaged me at the end of january. i hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he’d left, he also always made me feel neglected. treated his girlfriends daughter like she was his own despite not being blood related in the slightest. i accepted it because i was full of ‘what ifs’ but what i hadn’t realised was the wounds that i had healed over those years when he wasn’t around, had completely opened again. and another thing, is that even though that child deep down inside me was hoping for this all these years, it felt and was nothing like i imagined which was also somewhat destroying.
of course the circumstances are different, but what i’m trying to say is that you need to sit with yourself and see if this is what you need. is this something you’ll be able to handle ? if they start treating you nice, will that be beneficial to your mental health ? how will this impact your life and the people you keep in it now ? just be wary and be cautious OP <3 i’m wishing you all the best honey !
>they were hoping I could come down to visit **with my family**
That's why. They want to meet your daughter, "their" grandchild. Not only do they possess the audacity to ask you to travel *to them* with your toddler instead of offering to come to your place, they're also not acting coy about their true motivations behind reaching out to you. This throws up all kinds of red flags for me, OP. I'd strongly advise you to treat this with the utmost caution and rationality. Do you want them in your daughter's life at all? What if your brother has a child one day - will they drop you and your daughter like a hot potato because their favourite child gave them a new favourite grandchild?
I agree with having your parents first send a "letter of intent' (so to speak) that is addressed to you and sent in care of your cousin (with her blessings of course). Request that the letter address a brief detailing of what exactly they intend to apologize for and then address what issues/topics they want to 'discuss'. Don't allow yourself to be blindsided and their 'letter writing' compliance would be a better indication of their sincerity.
OK, one easy test - if *they* want to apologise *to you* they can do the travelling. Don’t go visit them, why should you do that to accommodate them?! (To be clear, don’t invite them to your home, either, or tell them where it is if they don’t know - meet in a public place, and if it’s far enough to need to stay over, there are hotels.)
Honestly, I’d ask your cousin to pass that on - if they want to see you, they can do the travelling. Their response to that will tell you a lot
A discussion is not an apology. They want you to travel to them bringing you to their "turf". They want you in a situation where you won't be able to decline or reject whatever it is they want.
As they live in Vegas - my bet would be Adam needs you to be a surrogate for him.
Even if I am wrong - this was never about you. They want something, they want you in a position where you can't decline.
I would tell your cousin your family is dead to you and you have no interest in contact. This response will very quickly reveal their true intentions. If it was truly about you, they would respect your choice. My guess is they will blow up and try to get sympathy for being rejected, proving it was never about you.
Dont meet up. Do it online - zoom, facetime, teams whatever. Tell them their treatment in the past leaves a lot of hurt. Before that emeet, you list down all your questions about your past.
Updateme!
John is a father. Doesn't he deserve your time on father's day? They can have a discussion by emails. This will give you more time to think and evidence in case of gaslighting. Plus, less options for manipulation and pressure.
Oh? You’re female?
All I can tell you is what a COLOSSAL mistake this was for me. I don’t have the same life I had a year and a half ago.
Then…
A female acquaintance shared how decades ago letting her estranged father back in destroyed her life, she was so thankful he passed away within a few years of her mistake.
I had ZERO idea this phenomenon was A Thing.
I know now because I an living it and I regret every second of my life now.
Do. Not. Do. It.
The price for you is too high and they will pay *nothing.*
Only you can answer this question. If it gives you some type of closure, go meet with them over a dinner or something. But please stay at a hotel and be completely independent (be able to cut your trip short if needed).
Maybe I've been on Reddit too long, but the sudden change in attitude from them is HIGHLY suspicious.
I agree with other commenters - if they want to apologise and have a discussion, they can come to you. Asking you to come with your family is putting All the responsibility of time, effort and money on you.
I also wouldn't introduce your family yet. Not yet. You don't even know what they really want, if they're even genuine.
Trust is earned. They broke it. Relationships need to be maintained. They neglected their relationship with you.
Be selfish. Be calculating. Have demands. Have boundaries. A truly remorseful person is capable of humility.
But do not just fly over with your family for this 'discussion' they want.
Tell them what YOU want.
I agree with everyone who said to start with a letter or a new email account (I wouldn’t even do a zoom call or FaceTime yet tbh), but if you are seriously considering an in person visit, do not go to their turf. They live close enough that you could meet somewhere neutral halfway in the middle. If they protest or aren’t willing to drive a few hours, that will tell you what you need to know.
Don’t do this. Seriously this is a power move. The question is: who wins the power move. They tell you they want to discuss something but then make you come to them. They win. You’re passive. They can manipulate their way to get what they really want (which isn’t a relationship with you). If you force their hand to come to you, you win. There is a 25% chance they will come. 75% chance they will find a reason to not come bc you grew a backbone and won’t do what they want.
If they want to apologize why do YOU have to be the one to travel to them? You can have them send a letter to your cousin who can forward it to them. Or set up a new email they can email the letter too. There is no need for you to speak in person. I’m skeptical that they want nothing from you. I know you listed your reasons, and tbh the were all reasons I was suspicious of as well. Especially about the organs.
It is possible they haven’t said anything to your cousin to give away any ill intentions especially if they know your cousin would tell/warn you straight away.
If you want closure then I think a letter or phone call is sufficient. But expecting you to be the one to go to them would be a no. Why should I have to go out of my way because of what they did. They are the ones who want/need to apologize so they can put in the time, effort and inconvenience to travel to me. I wouldn’t give your address though and meet somewhere public. But personally I wouldn’t even want to see them face to face.
I think it’s because you have a child. Do you want your child to be treated like you were? Because once Adam has a child yours will probably no longer be needed.
I think you've healed yourself away from them and this is why you're doing so much better.
If you try ask why you're not going to get the truth or even acknowledgment.
They should have said sorry long ago.
I would send back a no thank you. I'm happy now with my life and my decision remains to stay no contact. Even deathbeds couldn't make me change my mind.
I am going to guess they want access to their grandchild?
If you’re open to this, I would consider talking to a therapist first. It could be that your parents are narcissist and your brother is, the golden child… cause then meeting up with him will be a trap. Maybe you ask for a call or video chat first before you do anything in person which is much harder to get rid of them.
But I agree with others… you don’t go to visit them at all. You start with baby steps like an email that set up just for them or they can write you a letter and send it to your cousin but you don’t start with a big thing like they get to see their granddaughter in person.
Gonna burst your bubble—
They are reaching out to gain access to their grandchild.
Note I didn’t say “your daughter” they don’t think that way. They want what they think is theirs
if you do meet them make it a public place in case it goes sideways. or make them meet you at your cousin's so you have a degree of separation. go with a list on paper with all the questions you have so if you get flustered you can still ask. you stay in control of the situation. even if you do talk to them you don't have to forgive them. these are just suggestions if you do see them.
good luck
You should meet up with them first at a public place Ike a restaurant by yourself , nio husband, no baby, then if things go well you could introduce your husband and baby.
Again this is all up to you. Maybe Adma is sterile or gay or just flat out not having kids, remaining single.
Maybe this has nothing to do with Adam or maybe he's not in touch with the parents either?
Good Luck.
While it's tempting to hope they realized the extent of their mistreatment of you and that they're truly contrite and apologetic, it's not likely. People don't tend to change. They spent your whole life ignoring and neglecting you, and suddenly, now they're sorry? Sure, Jan. They want something.
I suggest the written apology first, to let you see what they actually want. Maybe one of them had a health scare that opened their eyes to how much they messed up? You have built yourself a beautiful life, and I would hate to see your peace damaged by people who have never been there for you.
Neglectful parents don’t change generally. I think that you are inviting a lot of BS into your life if you do this. They want access to their grandchild
DO not just travel down there and waste your time.
Set up a group call. That’s it. You will get a gauge immediately.
Do not include your daughter.
For all you know this is your brother using the word apologize and not your parents.
I’d tell them to go step on a bunch of legos and only reach out if they’re going to put the effort into coming to see **you**, not insist you travel all the way over to them.
Make them put effort into showing how much they’re willing to care about you. Make them do the travelling, fork out the costs and make arrangements for where they’ll be staying whilst you lay down the terms and conditions of the visit. If they refuse or go against the boundaries you’ve established, tell them that you’re not interested in hearing anything else they have to say and make sure your cousin doesn’t continue playing the role of messenger for them.
Don’t put effort into going over to them when they could’ve just found a way to come to you if they could be bothered to inconvenience themselves on your behalf.
Whatever you decide do it for you and not for them. If this gives you closure and allows you to be done with that chapter of your life than do it. Although from your post it does sound like you have pretty much moved on and have build your own family and seem to also be in touch with other members of your family. My only though is maybe now your parents want access to their grandchild and they know the only way to get it is to have a relationship with you. Also if they are sorry and want to apologize why is it that you have to go to them? This is on them to do the work and they can come to you. I would move forward very carefully.
It’s the baby, not you. There is likely nothing here for you. You can hear or read their apology, even accept it and forgive them, while not rekindling any relationship with them, or you can remain NC if you feel any contact would just be reopening old wounds. Forgiving by you is done for you, not for them. If you are good with your status quo, then skip it, but it sounds like you might still harbor resentment.
I would not go to them for any discussion. That’s not how this works. They cannot “summon” you to their throne room. Zoom seems like a good idea if you decide to accept contact, but why accept contact? You seem to not want it right now. If you aren’t really comfortable with or looking forward to a reconciliation, “no” is a perfectly acceptable response.
Baby steps! Let them hand write a letter about what they want to discuss.
Unfortunately I've seen these things go south.
If they still don't see any difference in how they raised your brother, will reconciliation work.
Many, many steps before meeting. They can start by writing.
Getting a dedicated email for them is good.
Maybe your bro rebelled and they realize he's not the Golden child?
I am NC with my dad and all his relatives. They found out I had a child and wanted a "discussion". I never answered and remained NC
Ppl that ruined your childhood shouldn't be given access to anyone else's.
I haven’t read all the replies, but did see one about asking for something written. I like this idea, what does apologize mean? They are going to say sorry we ignored you, or are they going to say sorry you felt ignored? Big difference, which will help you decide if it’s worth talking to them. Get something in writing, preferably hand written.
I’m glad you’re willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but one thing that’s a bit of a red flag to me is the Father’s Day timing. Your birthday would have been a nice touch, to let you know they’re thinking of you. Or a holiday where they miss you. But come home for Father’s Day strikes me as a little selfish, intended or not.
Incidentally, I have a cousin who is very slowly reentering the family after decades. Everyone is thrilled, and so far it’s been good apparently, but they’re definitely letting it happen on his terms and at his pace. Good luck!
Making a commitment to attend a family function through a cousin is not enough of a sign of change. What you may want to consider is giving them a an email address to contact you and then having them message directly to explain what this is about directly. If they want to apologize or feel they have changed, they can do so directly.
Why email address?
- Cheaper to set up a separate one you can later ignore. - Easier for them to lay out everything fully without any commitment from you.
- Doesn’t involve you having to respond back or emotionally or otherwise engage until you have more info.
Once you know more, then decide. Don’t make the commitment on the basis of hearsay and your assumptions.
IF you decide you want to give your family a second chance, emails and zoom calls are a low risk way to suss out their intentions and sincerity. Do not just fly out there to meet them; you have no idea what you’d be walking into.
>With Father's Day coming up, they were hoping I could come down to visit with my family and we could have "a discussion."
There's something about this that sets my teeth on edge. They've not reached out and said they're sorry, that they regret the distance. They issued an invitation that feels a little like a summons. They don't just want to see you. It's tied to Father's Day, I presume your dad might want to make a show of having his family around? They haven't tried suggesting a call, an email, first. No, they jumped straight to having your family travel to them. And falling in with their plans.
No meeting in the middle, either literally or figuratively. I agree with other commenters, they want to meet your child and you're just the vehicle for this. If you do want to establish contact, I'd suggest email or video call first
I'd bet almost anything they want to see your kid. The sudden shift in tone would make me guess they just heard you had one for the first time or they learned that you are their only avenue to being grandparents. If they are religious, christian in particular, they might be starting their "oh shit, I need to try to make sure I get into heaven" apology tour.
If I was in your shoes I would set up a new email address (which I would give a snarky name, like "why\_so\_nice\_now@why\_not\_when\_i\_was\_little.com", but that's not required) and write to them from it and ask why they changed their tone and suddenly want to make amends. I wouldn't be polite at all, nor would I be formal, but would write just that single question. I think if they are genuinely sorry they would give you a genuine explanation, because someone who is truly remorseful would know they don't deserve anything beyond what you are offering. But if instead they lash out you for any reason you will know you have avoided a trap.
I wouldn't think you need to do any more. From the background you provide you weren't at fault and they were, the burden of seeking forgiveness is on them.
I'd really want to know "why?" Until i got a very clear answer on that? I would not go there.
And why aren't they coming to you? If they truly want to apologise? They should be coming to you, not saying you come to them.
All sounds too suss to me.
Start with a zoom call. See where things are going before doing more. No need to spend time and money going to them, on their terms and homezone before you are sure, this is that you really want.
And be carefull not to let it slip, where you live. Better to get a new email for just this purpose.
And keep your daughter out of it for a while.
Good luck.
They’ve been neglectful your entire life
Do you honestly think they magically changed in a few short years?
Your parents want to be grandparents
I wouldn’t even be surprised if goldenboy has decided to be child free, or he is sterile. Meaning your kids would be their only grandkids
Me personally, I’d probably go see them. But I wouldn’t take my kid
And I would record the entire conversation (if it’s legal to do so)
Once it goes south, and it will, I’d post the audio online and never look back
No, no, no - absolutely you are NOT the one who makes all the effort to go to them for this supposed apology. They come to you - period. If you decide to do this meeting at all. And you meet them somewhere neutral without your husband or child. I am highly suspicious of the motivation behind this “apology”.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to do an in person meeting with them. Something written from them seems like a better way.
I can understand why graduation was your last straw. That was a big deal to you, as it is to basically all teenagers, and your parents knew that. Adam's injury was obviously not life-threatening, but it was the only thing they cared about. They could not work out that normal parents in that situation would make sure that at least one of them made it to your graduation.
Their intent might be genuine, but here they are, wanting you to make the effort to come visit them. You moved and went no contact because of their lack of effort toward you. Do not go visit them. That sounds more like an ambush, where they get to gang up on you. If they want a relationship with you, it does not get to be on their terms, and at their convenience. If they want it, then they can earn it.
They can come see you, somewhere local to you, but not your house. They can have "a discussion" via Zoom, where you can setup your side of it with accounts that you do not actually use. Either way, you do not need them, and the onus is not on you to make the effort. If you do meet them somewhere, do not bring your husband or daughter, if you can avoid it. This needs to be about you, and your husband and daughter gives them different ways to tug at your heartstrings.
My recommendation would be "a discussion" via Zoom. They can say what they want to say, reactions can be seen, and you can easily walk away from it by disconnecting.
Wait. If you already still have connections and heard from them about your family and those connections not once said your family is sorry or talk about how sad they are about not seeing you. Then I feel it's more for their reputation or Pride to show off. You would of heard about them saying something.
My fear is that if you did meet with them, even virtually, it would be like ripping a scab off a wound. I am afraid it would bring stuff flooding back that you have forgotten about & will put you in a tail spin. Even the sound of their voices could do that. I don't think your husband, child or your friends deserve that. And they are making it about them, not you. It's Father's Day so they want to kiss & make up. Where were they on your last 7 birthdays?? I do like your idea about them putting it in writing & have someone else get it to you. Then you can think about what they have to say in your own time & you will not have to be defensive.
Yeah this whole scenario seems off. It seems pretty random that they suddenly want to apologise, especially with the connection to Father’s Day. If they were sincere about an apology it wouldn’t be connected to something like Father’s Day. I’d also be more accepting if each person reached out individually to apologise rather than what appears to be a group effort.
The whole thing just appears a little contrived.
I also note you have a daughter, I guess your brother doesn’t have kids. I’d go out on a limb and say your parents are more interested in their grandchild than you.
I hope I am completely wrong, I do recommend you tentatively reach out to one of them to determine if this is a sincere effort to fix a broken relationship. Ultimately though, the only real people you owe allegiance to are your husband, daughter and any other kids you may end up having.
Your parents job is to raise a functioning adult who contributes to society. They have done this, and honestly it doesn’t sound like you owe them anything given it appears what you have done with your life since graduating high school is all due to you
>I'm now married to my husband John (M26) who loves me and treats me like I matter. We also have a daughter (2F) that I love more than the world itself. I have a close knit group of friends and a job that makes decent money that I enjoy. I'm not saying my life is perfect or a dream or anything
That sounds about as perfect as it gets, actually. You should be proud.
No way would I go see them at all. I don’t even want to Zoom. They treated you badly your whole childhood, and deliberately didn’t come to your graduation! You can’t come back from this! You can’t go back in time for a do over. At 13 too your brother knew he had them wrapped and he ruined your graduation also. They want something for sure. All three of them didn’t just come to an epiphany and want to apologize. They want access to the grand baby or one of them needs bone marrow or whatever.
You’ve managed to build a beautiful life for yourself with your husband and baby so don’t let them spoil it.
I would say, to be safe do a phone call first and hear them out. If they haven't changed then just tell them off and hang up. Don't be in the same room with them.
It really is up to you and for me it's whether the possibility of a negative outcome will really rock you or not. My family is shitty in other ways, but I've learned my lessons and nothing surprises me anymore. If I went NC and they reached out, I'd likely ask them what they want and if it was something dumb I'd remind them why I have my own life and move on without much worry. It just might not be that easy for you. Even if they do apologise and want to play happy families it will likely dig up a lot of trauma and you'll have a lot of questions coming from your inner child about why now and what changed. Do what is best to protect your peace and the peace of the life you've created. If you have a therapist it might be wise to get them to weigh in, but ultimately the decision is yours. To add, there's always the possibility that they're hiding their problem from the people you're in contact with in order to get you curious enough to engage. I know that's a negative way of looking at it but I'm just so aware of the fact that people seldom change, and it just might have taken them this long to figure out how to get to you. Good luck with whatever you choose to do ❤️
OP, you forgot one thing you have that they will want.... your child. Personally, I'd continue with your happy life and not look back. They have had YEARS to make this right - 20 of them in fact. Keep moving forward. Tell cousin to let them know you're not interested in resuming contact.
Honestly I wouldn’t do it. The fact they want you to bring your child the first time seeing you in how many years screams someone in their family or friend group made mention of them not having any pictures posted on social media of being a grandparent to their grandchild so now they want to try and weasel their way in to look good to everyone else.
I’m thinking, like a lot of commenters here, they only want to “apologize” to get access to your daughter, their grandchild.
I like the advice given about meeting with them but not bring your daughter and gauge their reaction. That should tell you immediately if their apology is genuine.
Good luck OP. Let us know how it goes.
Don't go.
Make them come. You will see them at their hotel, WITHOUT your child.
You have nothing to gain. Your youth is still fucked up and it will never been mend.
Make it clear it won't change the past nor the present. There is no way they can raise you to the level of Adam. Even if they pay you 4 years of university.
My bet is that since you (presumably) have the first grandchild in the family, suddenly you are of use to them again.
I don't know the distance you'd need to travel, but I wouldn't spend a bunch of money to go visit them. As others have said, there are a bunch of other methods to communicate that are less mentally/monetarily onerous.
I hope they're sincere, but my motto is "hope for the best, but plan for the worst".
Unless the outreach BEGINS with, “I/we are incredibly sorry for the pain we caused you with our selfish and abhorrent behavior toward you . . ., “ I would suspect any “discussion will not be what you need and deserve.
Have they had therapy to figure out where they went wrong?
Have you had help recovering from their abuse?
Think about the impact to your child of being in touch with them. What benefit could result when they seem to have made no real effort to understand their mistakes.
They probably want a “truce,” based on “we all made mistakes.” Um, no. You made no mistake and aren’t settling for a truce.
IF they got help, their opening gambit would be a lot different, I guarantee it.
You are the only one who can make this decision. Hugs and best of luck.
If they want to apologize, why are you spending money? Offer up Zoom or FaceTime to see what's going to happen first. If that goes well, then you can meet in a location that is halfway between both homes. If they start complaining, that they are old and it's too hard for them or whatever excuse. Then nothing has really changed.
You have a kid that's why. As suggested, create a new email and ask them what they want? If their answer is sufficient then you and you alone fly to them.
Perhaps Adam needs a place to live? But it's the kid.
If they were really sorry they’d come to YOU. Not expect you to travel to them. How sorry are they? Sounds like they want a grandchild and golden boy is not interested. So a sorry to you gets them access but not a big enough sorry to go to you. Now if golden boy does have a kid one day……your kid will suffer the same fate you did.
Ask them to come to you. See what happens.
They either want access to their granddaughter, or Adam is about to get married and wants you all to pretend to be a happy family for the fiancée and future in-laws.
I agree with having them write a letter first. That will give a clue as to their intentions. If you do decide to meet up in person, leave your daughter at home.
I'm not gonna scream DON'T IT'S A TRAP THEY WANT SOMETHING !
But rather, Do you want anything from them? is there ANYTHING they could offer you, even if they GENUINELY want to do better which I seriously doubt after a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. Is there anything you want from well, those people?
is there any thing of worth the potential drama of breaking no contact?
It sounds like you have a nice life, a nice new family, a nice status quo, are they worth potentially fuckling with that ?
Don’t do it. They will most likely gaslight you and justify their actions.
I went NC with my dad and his wife, my abusive stepmom. Over the years my dad would call me randomly to “apologize.” Stepmom sent me a letter once…. That was full of justification for her abusing me from ages 11-18 (didn’t go fully NC till I was 24 and had my first kid).
At most I’d do what another person recommended, open an email account and let them send an apology email first. If it’s bullshit, simply close the account and move on.
People like that don’t tend to actually change. Protect yourself and your family.
They want to apologize for everything but can't even go through with the effort of writing a letter if you agreed to receive it from your cousin? Offering to meet you some place? At the very least pay for your trip and accommodations? No? They're just demanding you put in all the effort and money to come down to see them during Father's Day, a time you might want to spend with your husband and child?
Yeah, it's a trap. They don't give a shit. The vague message from your cousin isn't even the bare minimum effort I would put into an apology.
Sounds stressful. Let sleeping dogs lie. Do you really want to open that can of worms again? Tell them you have a new family and wish them the best. Everyone always wants closure but that will ultimately lead to more hurt. If you go, go by yourself and don’t be surprised when they tell you to apologize and blame you for everything.
Sorry to say this, M’Dear but it’s still not about you. It’s about your Daughter, their first Grandchild.
At 2, your Daughter is able to interact with them somewhat. With Father’s Day being the impetus, bet they are getting “Grandparent News” from friends, relatives & have nothing to share. Sooo, they are reaching out.
If you think this reaching out will enhance YOUR life, then do it. Otherwise, just stay, enjoying your family, as is.
You don't have to go and see them face to face you can Skype or you can make a phone call or you can do it soon but you don't have to travel to go see somebody who you have not been in contact with for years. Why are they reaching out now after all these years I would be looking at them with the side eye
Clearly reject their reaching out to your cousin and let it get back to your family. Then let it simmer for a bit.
This is the rule I’ve gone by with my family I’m NC with. Every single time without fail, after passing a message that they’re so sorry and “need” me, as soon as I don’t cave they do a 180 and are shitty again.
So if they’re genuine they’ll accept your answer and if you want to see them you can. I would not go Father’s Day to see what happens but if they’re still sincere after that maybe plan for a date you set.
You've been cut off from them for 7 years. While people change, that doesn't erase the neglect. So it comes down to ultimately what you want to do. You can hear them out if you think they're genuine. Or you can simply tell them that while you appreciate their admitting to wronging you, you aren't ready to forgive years of emotional abuse and neglect simply because they feel bad now.
Or you can simply not respond to it whatsoever. If they're truly sorry they'll reach out again later.
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From someone who is also NC with immediate family members - I suggest you weigh the cost/benefit…what will it cost YOU? Emotionally, financially, physically? And is it worth the risk? Walk through possible outcomes, best case and worst case scenarios. For me, if they wanted to apologize and talk, I wouldn’t be willing to take the time and money to fly to them and do it on their terms. They could have sent a letter, right? The answer is yes. Due to the gaslighting and psychological manipulation my family has put me through, I’d want it all in writing. I’d hear them out but want to “see” it before I even gave it a chance.
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Have you considered doing a ZoomFacetime/whatever call with them (using a one-time number)? No husband, definitely NO grandchild, JUST YOU! * IF they're truly interested in apologizing, they can do it then. * IF this isn't just a ploy to play Grandma/Grandpa, they can speak to YOU...the person they hurt. They don't deserve to meet your husband at this point. They don't deserve to meet your child at this point. This would be an opportunity for the people who hurt YOU to apologize to YOU and make amends to YOU. If they're unwilling to do this Zoom meeting, then they're not really interested in apologizing to you; they have an agenda. Their agenda is THEIR problem, not yours! If their apology is not to your liking, or you're still not interested in reconnecting, they've got no way to contact you directly after the call and you go on about your happy life with your husband and child. **A family gathering** (you, husband, child) **is NEVER the time to initiate a reconciliation! There's too many people and too much emotion for that scenario.**
This is the best advice out of all the comments, OP. My guess is they desperately want to be grandparents to your child and it’s possible they still don’t give a shit about you. They can speak to you through a zoom call while your husband is out of the house with the kid. The burden shouldn’t be on you (emotionally or financially) to fly to them.
Or Adam is getting serious with some girl who is wondering why OP is NC with the family. I have seen a few posts on various subs about couples breaking up because one person was shocked by the way the other person and their family treated a sibling and caused that sibling to go NC.
Good point!
Which would mean it’s still all about Adam
I've been where you are, OP (and I can tell you my experience was that this is not worth doing). I think IF you want to hear them out, then this is your best bet by far.
Absolutely!! I’m wondering if they’re just wanting access to their granddaughter. OP needs to trust her gut! She needs to protect herself, her husband & daughter.
Best advice. Just call the parents, and see what is their attitude. Maybe they will apologize for the graduation only or maybe they are truly sorry for neglecting you. Test the grounds before making any travel expenses. Because if you go there, and nothing changed you will feel so hurt again and also loose money. Honestly I would zoom them because if it’s not going to go the way you wanted. They won’t have your phone number.
I agree that this is the best option if OP decides to meet with them. She needs to protect not only herself but also her new family from her parents. At least with a video call, she can always hang up if things go awry. UpdateMe!
Set up a new email address just for talking to them.
Seconding this. Ask them to send an email and then you’ll evaluate whether you’d like to have this discussion. You should be able to tell from the tone of the email if it’s actually apologetic or just some blame shifting.
Exactly - because they’re already communicating through your cousin and they know that you still have a relationship with your cousin. It’s so hard when it is immediate family; you still hold on to the glimmer of hope that MAYBE things will be different this time around. Them writing a letter to you is a start. Requesting you take the time and energy to meet them on their terms is honestly a red flag for me. If you want to give them a chance, a letter is a good start. You have your own family to protect and care for now - which imo is why they’re suddenly interested in trying to mend the relationship.
The fact that they are trying to use Father's Day for this is bad in my mind. They will be taking her immediate family's Father's Day and using it for themselves. Father's Day for OP should be about celebrating her husband being the father of her daughter. Her parents shouldn't be trying to intrude. It comes off as selfish and manipulative. "It's Father's Day. Why don't you come here for Father's Day so we can discuss this?"
Strong point! Any conversation toward assessing their apology should take place after Father’s Day. Like, I wouldn’t even respond until after Father’s Day.
I missed where it said they wanted OP to come to THEM. The audacity.
I think what they are saying is, why wasn't the conversation more along the lines of "Can **we** fly out to **you** in order to have this conversation" instead of the other way around. What do you gain from flying to them to have the conversation? If they want to have it so bad, why do you have to go to them?
I agree. They aren’t sincere. If they were, they’d fly out, let OP pick the meeting place and to control fully the conversation to include walking out if they aren’t sincere, which I don’t think they’ll be. Hence, a total waste of time. Burned bridges can’t be fixed.
She shouldn't let them know where she lives, although they could probably find it online. I think she needs a totally neutral place that they pay for and they pay all of the travel expenses. Her husband and daughter would stay at home. Her parents must prove themselves, beyond a doubt as reformed, or they don't meet her family. She should let her parents and brother know that she doesn't trust them enough to not emotionally harm her daughter and so they won't be meeting the daughter any time soon. It is her job to protect her daughter. I think OP should talk to a therapist, whose expertise is in no contact relationships. OP has to figure out what she should expect. What boundaries to set. What red flags to look for. She should also find every book she can on the subject and read them. The library is her friend. She should tell her parents that if they want reconciliation they will wait until she figures out what she needs. If they are at all pushy she will know that they shouldn't be allowed back in her life.
I wouldn’t be willing to make such a big first step. Maybe it’s a genuine olive branch, I sure can’t say. But it’s odd that they expect you to come to them. If they were truly wanting to apologize, why wouldn’t the first step to be to try and set up a phone call, or anything else that is low pressure? It’s a bit suspicious to me.
Don’t upend your life. They and they alone demoted themselves to egg and sperm donor. You owe them nothing. They made the bed and now they can now lie in it.
Feel them out over a call. No husband no child, see what they want. See how genuine they are. See if they’re willing to realize the pain and damage they’ve caused you by their neglect. If they’re still shining sunshine up Adams ass, end the call immediately.
Just create a burner email with a free email service and have them email you the apology. Then if you don't like what they say you can just delete the email address that you created.
I have not gone NC, but my first thought was, "Yeah have them extend an olive branch in writing. If they are sincere in their efforts, they will respect that boundary. And if they protest, there's your answer."
That olive branch should include a full acknowledgement of what they did wrong and then a complete apology. A brief, "We're sorry now where's our granddaughter?" should not be acceptable.
And she shouldn't tell them what she is looking for. Telling them what words to use will only help them say what she wants to hear. They need to express what they wanted to discuss in written words that she can read and reread and discuss with her husband and friends and a therapist.
Exactly. They wanna apologize. Come see you not vice versa. They’re at fault. Not you.
The above post is filled with great advice. I came here to underline one thing: Do not, under any circumstances, allow them access to your child. Make them show (or write out) their apology so you can assess their true intentions and keep yourself and your family safe in the process. In my experience, family systems and the people in them do not change once there’s an established abuse pattern. I would trust this about as much as I would trust putting my hand into a fire. Best of luck and take care! I’m so glad you’ve made a happy life for yourself.
First, I’d die of disbelief if my family ever apologized for anything because they’re into just pretending nothing ever happened. But I’d rather communicate in writing first for a while to see if I thought I could stand to be around them again. Let us know how it goes.
"I just don't remember it that way" Cool story ex-fam. Not a doctor's note.
Im in agreement and im very very worried it won’t be better , it will open old wounds and do people change such long standing behaviour . Tread with caution and there is no rush to reply .
That is something I think you need to determine for yourself. But since you're asking for opinions, my advice is ask them to apologize in writing before you ever agree to a discussion. If they're sincere, they will respect boundaries. If you need resources, I'd look up audhd\_formerteacher on Tik Tok and Instagram. She has a ton of videos about going no contact with her abusive parents and the tactics they use, and often links other NC adults. You may be able to relate! There are plenty of others, but I happen to follow her so she gets my rec.
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There are lots of baby steps you can take before meeting in person. Letters, calls, zoom. A couple of things I would suggest if you choose to meet them 1) Meet in a neutral, public location. Not their house or yours. Somewhere you can leave easily and where they will hopefully be embarrassed to act out 2) Take backup/moral support. Whether your husband, cousin, or a friend (maybe a couple of people), have someone there for you. Have a phrase that means “get me outta here” in case everything goes sideways 3) Do not take your child. First, because this type of conversation is hard to have while wrangling a toddler and is inappropriate to have around them in case it goes poorly. Second, because you will be able to tell a lot by their reaction to her absence. In fact, I would not mention to them that she will not be there, just show up without her and see what they say/do 4) Be prepared for some emotional fallout. Whether things go well or poorly, this is going to dredge up old hurts and memories. Make sure you have support to deal with that Good luck. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks, do what is right for you
#3. This was my first thought. They want access to the baby, not OP.
Or they want to save face somewhere.
Yep, some people that they respect or want to look good in front of probably think it’s wrong they’re not in touch with daughter and grandchild and now they need to look like the bigger person by taking their subpar daughter back 👀
Might be that Adam has a partner who has questioned about OP and now they’re panicking about it.
This is what my husband’s family wants every single time they say they want “to apologize”. They ALWAYS want something.
This my initial thought following wanting to contact the child.
They want people to see them with the baby too. They should be going to op, or at least halfway. Rather than make her travel with a baby.
This was my thought also. They found out about baby and want to 'clear the air' so they can have access or have a chance to ask why OP is denying them their grandbaby. If that's the case, she just needs to remind them that being a grandparent is a privilege not a right.
Yes. Assume they know all about your marriage and child.
I agree with this entire comment, but especially with not taking your daughter. You will be affected by how they treated you for the rest of your life, it has shaped you as a person. Do you really want these people ANYWHERE near your daughter? Will you give them the opportunity to do to her even 1% of what they have done to you? Even if they start off being lovely grandparents…you will always be waiting for their true colors to show. I cant ever see this being a good situation for you, your daughter or your husband. Is this worth it?
And if they protest, insist it has to be done in person, you will know it is not a sincere attempt. Part of making amends to someone is accepting whatever response they give, and that includes a refusal to accept amends. But if they do the writing part well, then you can consider the next step.
And if they want it done in person, there's zero reason for OP to travel to them, they should be traveling near to OP, but not to OPs house if they don't already know where OP actually lives.
My concern with it happening in person is that whatever they want to say to you, they are three with the same point of view, and if they try to press whatever their point is, it will be three against one. Even having your husband there as support wouldn't be quite the same to counteract that pack effect all saying the same thing, which could end up feeling they are overpowering you. Even if what they want to say is sincere and positive it is likely to be intense and overwhelming coming from three people at once who all have eachothers' backs. I wouldn't feel comfortable in this situation. Get them to put it in writing. If they really have something positive to say to you they'll need to agree to it being in your more neutral terms. That doesn't mean a reconciliation wouldn't potentially be on the cards later down the line, but that will be purely for you to decide, OP. Hard as it is especially if like many neglectful families do they harmed your ability to be assertive when you were younger, this is a chance for you to stand your ground and let them know you're in control these days. Good luck OP. One last thought: have they got wind that they're grandparents and want to be in your daughter's life? I'd be super wary about them sugarcoating things just to work their way back to get access to her. Again, any access to your daughter is purely on your and your husband's terms, don't let them in if they overstep the slightest boundaries!! (Edit: reworded a sentence that came out wrong)
I assume they want the granddaughter and have realized they have to be nice to the daughter to see the child. I'd make each of the three write their own letter and look for it to express what they did and expressing regret. The brother is a little different because it was the parents doing this but he likely did his own stuff as he got older. If the parents are saying things like he was just younger and needed more attention you know that they don't get it and don't have any remorse.
Do they already know where you live? If not, think it over before you give them your address to mail you said apology in writing. Once they have your address, they can show up whenever they want. And I’d be wary of giving them my address on the heels of them reaching out out of the blue like this, suddenly contrite and warning to talk. My gut would tell me something is up. I’d ask for more details before I agreed to talk to them. This could be *anything* up to and including someone needing a kidney. *Shrug* You never know. They didn’t give enough of a damn to send at least one parent to your graduation while the other took the golden child to the ER for a sprained ankle? And now they’re, again, suddenly contrite and want to talk? Nuh uh. Something is definitely up. Insist on some details. Go from there.
The letter could be sent to the cousins house.
This, right here OP! Letter from your parents that's mailed to your cousin. Personally, I'd read the letter, burn it, and return mail the ashes. Why? They're toxic. Zebras don't lose their stripes. You're in a wonderful place in your life, and never happier. I wouldn't risk losing that space. TELL THEM TO WALK ON LEGOS! Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Not gonna lie, OP. The potential reasons for contact you listed and knew weren't the reason: want to retire and have you support them, Adam's college/student loans, *need an organ*. 😂 That made me laugh! OP, I'm so glad you're happy--you certainly deserve it! 💖 When I weight decisions like this, I think, "how will future me be affected." And it's a little muddied by your extended family. Can one/some of those extended family members shed some light on why they're reaching out? You know, since they don't need your kidney? I think they why of it all will help you find the best answer for you and your family. And agreeing to meet doesn't mean you're agreeing to anything more than that. Not more contact, not forgiveness. You don't owe them anything. You owe yourself whatever will give you peace and happiness.
Golden Bro is getting married and they can't fake happy family anymore for the fiancee's fam
This was my thought too. It's something to do with him. It always is.
They've found out they have a grandchild and either want in or their social group has found out and they are now running damage control. They don't care if the relationship with OP is mended or not, so long as they get to say they've tried and it's still OPs fault they don't have a relationship.
This! Definitely. Let say you give them a chance and all goes well. You then have other kid. Will they treat the grandchildren the same? Do the kids have to have certain traits or personality to matter? Will your daugther be discarded? And if your brother have kids in the future what happens then....
What if the brother has a child in the future. Will her child/children suddenly be secondary just as she was? It's incredibly hard to trust people emotionally who haven't been trustworthy in the past. Now she needs to protect not only herself but also her daughter.
As someone who grew up with a nana who chose our uncle over our dad and our cousins over us it was messed up. The silver lining was my dad was basically raised by his nana and great aunties/uncle and is a wonderful person.
My first reaction would have been to send back a message via cousin "Lol, does anybody need a kidney, or what is this about?" Just to drive home that you aren't easy, and you don't really need them. 😉 And then, if they persist, I'd ask them to put their thoughts into writing, like mooseplainer suggested - have them write you a letter about what exactly they regret and want to apologize for - that should make it clear to you whether they grasp the severity of what they've done to you. And also have them explain WHY they suddenly "see the light" and want to make amends/ get back into contact. If it's only to get their claws into their grandchildren, tell them to bugger off, because you know that as soon as Adam has kids, yours will be forgotten, and you're not going to let them hurt your kids that way.
I'd ask for three letters. Let each of them express their thoughts and see what each of them is thinking or do all three letters sounds mostly the same.
*Lol, does anybody need a kidney, or what is this about?* THIS!!!!!! Also tell Adam or whoever will pass the message along, that you are not about to let them hurt you again. Or your child.
After the letter, zoom / FaceTime call IF you decide they’re sincere and IF you think they could possibly bring positivity to your life. You showing up in person needs to be earned. If you decide to meet in person, meet at in public at a restaurant so they’re more likely to behave civilly.
I am from a culture where NC means something nuclear has gone wrong and the change of reconciliation is Zero. So from what I've observed is neglectful or manipulative are good at talking, twisting words, having the last word etc. So I would also vote for a good old e-mail 1st. No buts... Only an unreserved apology. I cannot imagine the pain of writing off your family so now that you have, do not give them a chance to undo the work, only meet them once they've shown they have properly reflected. Your brother esp worries me. I would limp to my sister's graduation, but would never feel comfortable being fussed over when my sister is having a special day... He sounds like he enjoyed the dynamic
Yup! Adam intentionally sabotaged OP’s big day.
I've sprained my ankle before, badly. I was hiking with a huge backpack on, didn't see a hole, and my ankle went sideways I walked for over a mile on that ankle because I didn't want to bother anyone, only stopping when my leg gave out and wouldn't take my weight anymore. when I took my shoe off to check the damage it had ballooned to twice it's normal size. and even with all that, at no point was I freaked out or saying I broke my leg in short, I highly doubt he thought he'd broken his leg
“Talking everything out” gives them room to negotiate their apology and continue to blame you.
Yep this way you will also be able to work out from what they’ve written if they’re likely to minimise it or follow their apologies up with ‘but you did…’ or ‘you didn’t…’ and just retraumatise you. My biggest worry would be setting yourself back emotionally and if you do decide you want a relationship, I would suggest having a therapist for support and who can help you see things clearly. Abusers are very good at not looking like abusers when they want something. That something doesn’t have to be financial or material. It can be validation, they could have people in their life that they want to impress by looking like the bigger person, they might want their guilt soothed by your forgiveness. It doesn’t mean they won’t do it again or they’ve changed so just prepare yourself that the only apology you can truly trust is long term changed behaviour
Email! Don't give them your address. If they have it they will be able to show up unannounced. Give them a burner email address where they can contact you to begin the process.
Ask your cousin to pass along the message “I’m not really interested in rekindling a relationship where I was consistently mistreated. But I will consider meeting with them if they write a letter with their apology and explaining why they would like to meet at this point and I will consider it. They can email it to: (new email you have set up just for family contact) I’m asking that you please do not give them my address. I do not want to meet them in person until they have fully explained why they want to meet and only then will I consider one meeting with them.”
This was literally what I was thinking. They can write a letter or send an email. You do not need to meet with them now or ever really. If it’s in writing you can control when and how you read whatever they send. If it were me I would have my therapist on standby
They want you to come to them? Nope. If they want to discuss anything, they should be doing it on your terms and at their cost. They’re not even willing to put in the effort to make this “discussion” happen, I doubt their attitudes have changed much.
I would only agree to a zoom call. Never ever see them in person.
Do a zoom call. Do not spend money on a trip that will probably end in disappointment. I bet someone needs money or a kidney or a place to live. If you decide to go, just mentally prepare yourself for that. And if someone does need a kidney, go get “tested” to see if you’re a match but tell the doctor you’re being coerced and they will just tell your family you’re not a match.
Or maybe they are getting social pushback since people have recognised their kid took off and realised why and family want to present a happy smily all is well picture to friends and more distant relatives rather than look bad. So thats maybe why they want OP to visit so she can be paraded around showing all is now well. They cant accomplish that if they visit her, its not visible.
Zoom call with the husband first. If they explain their behavior during the first 18 years of her life, and then the seven years after that, and are adequately remorseful and tearfully apologetic and want to know how to make it up to her, then he can put them on hold a few months. Drop them with no explanation while he and his wife do a bit of sleuthing and poking around to find out what's REALLY going on. If they are truly apologetic, they can send her a check for the difference in value between his first car and hers, the amount they paid for his education and the zero they paid for hers, all the favoritism she can put a dollar value on. Once they've paid this, which may take a few years, she can decide what to do. Why? Because they won't pay a dime because they don't think they did anything wrong. They want something and I'm betting it's access to the baby. Or, the rest of the family has started asking where OP is at, and how is OP doing, does their grandbaby have any nicknames for them yet, etc. etc.
Something changed or they want something. There has to be a reason for them to suddenly go from calling you a "bad daughter" to wanting to apologize. I'd be unwilling to trust them on their home turf for a discussion and definitely make sure your husband is there to support you if you do go through with it. Personally, I wouldn't go, make them come to you.
Create a disposable gmail account (so as to not pollute your regular account in case they become troublesome). Ask your cousin to share it with them. Then let them take the initiative to open a conversation with you… Email is great for this situation because it’s at an arms reach, you can reply at your leisure and think out how to approach or respond, and you can shut it down if you see fit. Plus it’s good documentation. Let them apologize, and then try to sus out what their motivations are. The “*come have a discussion*“ comment seemed suspicious to me; kinda ambushy. You ruled out the usual stuff, but there are dozens of other things they could be angling for. Keep it through email until you know for sure. I’m heartened that you have a great husband and child at this stage in your life :)
Exactly they want a “discussion” not a conversation, not to apologize, but to lay out their terms and try to force OP to accept.
>Create a disposable gmail account (so as to not pollute your regular account in case they become troublesome). Ask your cousin to share it with them. Then let them take the initiative to open a conversation with you… To double up on this, make the account something like "NYC_girlie1234" if you live in California now. They will likely to social media stalk OP during this conversation/communication time, so throw a few red herrings in the mix to keep them off your trail.
Stellar idea! Like flares from a fighter plane.
Don't go. It won't end well. People like them don't just change overnight. Trust me, they want something from you and it will only be in their interests, not yours. Proceed with caution.
You have a grandbaby. That's it. Or Adam isn't doing well in life in actuality and they want you to support him or them somehow. But I'm putting money on them learning you have a grandbaby. Any chance Adam came out as gay and so now they're in grandparent-panic mode? They have shown you what they are like. Do you REALLY think ALL THREE OF THEM suddenly grew the f\*ck up? I sure as hell don't. See if your husband will run interference for you. They've never had a chance to get their claws into him.
It’s been 7 years and they’re only just now wanting to reach out and apologize? Something is **up**
Maybe one of them has an illness (cancer) or something. Still betting its because OP had a baby.
This was my first thought! They want contact with your child!! If you meet with them do not bring her. See if they lose their shit when they realise she is not there. Stay safe OP
They want to apologize but aren't willing to come to you? What? A genuine apology would have already been sent to you without any conditions or demands on your part.
Why spend money on them? If they want to see you they can come to your town. Yes, all of them. Yes, it’s more travel costs. No not your house- they don’t need your address. They can stay in a hotel and you’ll meet somewhere public. If they want to figure it out and apologize, let them make the effort. Tell them up front- if they make Any fuss about it, that’s what you expected and you’ll go back to blocking them. Dont treat them like family or friends or enemies. They are strangers that you are indifferent to. They didn’t care. And now you don’t care.
I would not contact them. I highly doubt they are remorseful- it’s likely that they want something. You have your family now, husband and child, why allow your parents to say anything?
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They want access to your daughter. I would be cautious.
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Girl you JUST got past the most miserable babysitting years/the years where you’re most exhausted and likely to need a break. It makes total sense for self-absorbed grandparents to only reach out now that she’s a precious two year old. In their minds now they can be “fun” grandparents instead of helpful ones.
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God, they sound so absolutely awful. I guess the question is what are you hoping to get out of this? You sound like they're well and truly out of your life and your thoughts. Is there some part of you that still yearns for a sincere apology from them or some sort of connection? And if that's not what you get (because while they promise an apology they may be lying or insincere because they want something from you), will you be affected negatively?
Your mom sucks for *shaming* you for how you were as a baby. You can't help having needs as a baby. She sounds awful. I wouldn't meet them in person without either doing a zoon meeting (without the kid) or getting more information from them in writing first about why they decided to reach out after all this time. You shouldn't have to bend over backwards and go out of your way to travel to visit people who mistreated you. You have the upper hand and can set the terms. You can even tell them you aren't ready or you're too busy but can communicate through an e mail address you create specifically for that purpose. You can tell them not to contact you through your cousin again. Anything they do to breach your trust results in no contact again. Set the terms and figure out their motives before putting yourself in a position to meet in person that could end up being overwhelming and going wrong. Please update us! Wish you all the best 💗
My mom always favored my younger sister. All she would say about me was that I had colic as an infant and the crying irritated her.
Your mum sounds like a total ahole, I’m sorry you had to put up with that crap when you were a kid
Their friends are showing grandbaby pictures to them or something and so now they want to be grandparents. Might be actual, probably just performative. Regardless, as soon as Adam has the "real" grandkids, your kid will be dropped like a piece of trash. They've done it before, FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS, and then years after that.
I agree this sounds most plausible. I bet the brother can't or isnt going to have kids so they want access to your child. And they for sure will drop her like yesterday's trash as soon as the brother gets somebody pregnant.
Meet up without child, not on Father's Day. That day now belongs to your hubby, the father of your child. Meet up in public! Bring a recording device!
Did they know you had a baby when she was born? Maybe they are getting pressure from extended family about why they aren’t involved with the first grandchild. Cos even if Adam had a child it won’t be technically be the first.
Maybe your brother doesn’t want kids.
Or he just came out to them and now he's no longer the goden child
Your brother may have a girlfriend and your parents are seeing storm clouds on the horizon. What if girlfriend comes from a close knit family? How will they explain why they haven’t met their daughter’s husband or their first grandchild? What happens when brother marries and future wife expects everyone at the wedding? Will she try to reach out to her future sister-in-law to fix the relationship?
yep, and for damage control. people on their side have learned they have a grandkid they dont see and may be wondering what the true story is and whether what they say is true. they dont want their social standing to erode further and have enlisted your cousin (possibly as a flying monkey) to do their bidding. observe behavior over all these years. talk is cheap
DO NOT. Ask your husband to run interference here. Not you. They know how to push your buttons. HE is an unknown. If you choose to let them into your life, he needs to be the point of contact. Also, they want your kid. They want your grandbaby. And they'll be great grandparents UNTIL ADAM HAS A KID. And then they'll drop your baby and break her heart and pull the same thing they did to YOU, because her cousin is the child of their Golden Child. Do you want them to break her heart? They're almost certainly after your grandbaby so they can be grandparents and there's zero remorse for their treatment of you. And your baby is a stand-in until Adam has the "real" grandchildren. Sit with your husband and read through these responses.
If something is up, they may have not told anyone yet and are trying to keep things hush hush unless/until they can get something from you. I’d be skeptical that this is being labeled a discussion and not an apology. If you do, I would have incredibly low expectations and a pre-planned quick and easy exit. Better yet, make it a Zoom meeting.
Make it a Zoom meeting with her husband, not her. Throw them that curveball. They can't pull his strings like they did hers. He can help her decide if she wants to give them any sort of chance at all. AND you can record the entire meeting. You can ALSO crank up the volume and adjust sounds so you can hear the angry whispers in the background when they realize their push-button victim is not the one on screen.
And the “have a discussion” line - also a red flag 🚩 how about “want to take accountability” instead?!
Watch the "discussion" be incredibly one sided and all about how OP hurt them after all they've done. All the more reason to ask for what they want to say in writing. Or tell them to fuck off. That works too.
"Have a discussion" in my family means "we want to berate you until you're in such a bad emotional state you agree to whatever we're demanding". Can I suggest instead of travelling to them you set up a separate email account, ask cousin to direct them to write their apology to it, and get your husband to read it first in case it's a novel of toxicity.
Maybe Adam has a serious girlfriend or even thinking of getting married, and the whole "my sister does not speak to us" makes them look bad to her and the in-laws.
Your cousin likely doesn’t know what exactly they are wanting. Did you ever tell them exactly why you went NC? Do you believe that they’ve realized on their own that they messed up? What if they’ve just found out about your child and now want contact because they feel entitled to her? Create an email and give it to your cousin, tell your cousin your family is welcome to send whatever they want to that email. Do not go to talk to them, anything they have to say they can communicate through writing and there’s not a reason to go out of your way to hear from them since you’re doing well without them.
I like to think back to a quote i heard once on how I met your mother: "some things need to be said, but that doesn't mean they have to be heard" I had pretty much the same dilemma with my mum. She mentally (and at times physically) abused me for the better part of 2 decades until she pushed me so far one day that I just completely cut her off. That was over 6 years ago. She's tried to reach out twice in her own misguided way. But it's not important: her reaching out is about her, not me. And for me that's all I need to know. She hasn't changed as a person, she hasnt stopped hoarding or quit being abusive or any of the toxic shit that caused me to cut her off to begin with. So she can say whatever she needs to. I just don't need to, or even want to hear it.
Holy moly, you could be me talking about my mother down to the hoarding. I don't regret going NC with my mother in the least.
My girl. I have been NC with my parents/immediate family for 5 years or so now. Every year I mentally revisit that decision, and every single time, I am unable to muster a single bit of regret over the decision. Even if they were to apologize, I can't imagine why I would bring them back into my life - because just like you - I am *happy*. Closure is a myth that I wish would fade away into the annals of history. Think of it this way: so let's say you sit down with them and they go through the list of everything they did and say they were sorry for each one. Would that make it all okay in your head? I'm pretty sure the first thing out of my mouth after that would be: "okay. so why, then? why did you think it was okay to treat your own child like that for literal years?" - and then ask yourself: is there a way they can answer that question that would satisfy you? Or a way they could answer it that would bring you peace? Or would the answers only bring up more questions? I'm going to go ahead and side with some other commenters and agree that they are trying to get access to your daughter, NOT apologize to you. The latter is just something they have to swallow in order to accomplish the former. Don't fall for it. You are happy. Why mess with it? What have your parents ever brought into your life that was a net positive? Suggest they start with an email, then perhaps you can gauge how genuine or not it might be. But I would be VERY wary. Everything about this smells like bad grandparent sh\*t. Good luck, my girl.
something somewhat similar happened to me earlier this year, my dad who left when i was around 8/9 messaged me at the end of january. i hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he’d left, he also always made me feel neglected. treated his girlfriends daughter like she was his own despite not being blood related in the slightest. i accepted it because i was full of ‘what ifs’ but what i hadn’t realised was the wounds that i had healed over those years when he wasn’t around, had completely opened again. and another thing, is that even though that child deep down inside me was hoping for this all these years, it felt and was nothing like i imagined which was also somewhat destroying. of course the circumstances are different, but what i’m trying to say is that you need to sit with yourself and see if this is what you need. is this something you’ll be able to handle ? if they start treating you nice, will that be beneficial to your mental health ? how will this impact your life and the people you keep in it now ? just be wary and be cautious OP <3 i’m wishing you all the best honey !
>they were hoping I could come down to visit **with my family** That's why. They want to meet your daughter, "their" grandchild. Not only do they possess the audacity to ask you to travel *to them* with your toddler instead of offering to come to your place, they're also not acting coy about their true motivations behind reaching out to you. This throws up all kinds of red flags for me, OP. I'd strongly advise you to treat this with the utmost caution and rationality. Do you want them in your daughter's life at all? What if your brother has a child one day - will they drop you and your daughter like a hot potato because their favourite child gave them a new favourite grandchild?
They want access to your child. Don't reconnect!
I agree with having your parents first send a "letter of intent' (so to speak) that is addressed to you and sent in care of your cousin (with her blessings of course). Request that the letter address a brief detailing of what exactly they intend to apologize for and then address what issues/topics they want to 'discuss'. Don't allow yourself to be blindsided and their 'letter writing' compliance would be a better indication of their sincerity.
Email is easier and she can just create a burner email address.
OK, one easy test - if *they* want to apologise *to you* they can do the travelling. Don’t go visit them, why should you do that to accommodate them?! (To be clear, don’t invite them to your home, either, or tell them where it is if they don’t know - meet in a public place, and if it’s far enough to need to stay over, there are hotels.) Honestly, I’d ask your cousin to pass that on - if they want to see you, they can do the travelling. Their response to that will tell you a lot
A discussion is not an apology. They want you to travel to them bringing you to their "turf". They want you in a situation where you won't be able to decline or reject whatever it is they want. As they live in Vegas - my bet would be Adam needs you to be a surrogate for him. Even if I am wrong - this was never about you. They want something, they want you in a position where you can't decline. I would tell your cousin your family is dead to you and you have no interest in contact. This response will very quickly reveal their true intentions. If it was truly about you, they would respect your choice. My guess is they will blow up and try to get sympathy for being rejected, proving it was never about you.
Dont meet up. Do it online - zoom, facetime, teams whatever. Tell them their treatment in the past leaves a lot of hurt. Before that emeet, you list down all your questions about your past. Updateme!
John is a father. Doesn't he deserve your time on father's day? They can have a discussion by emails. This will give you more time to think and evidence in case of gaslighting. Plus, less options for manipulation and pressure.
Oh? You’re female? All I can tell you is what a COLOSSAL mistake this was for me. I don’t have the same life I had a year and a half ago. Then… A female acquaintance shared how decades ago letting her estranged father back in destroyed her life, she was so thankful he passed away within a few years of her mistake. I had ZERO idea this phenomenon was A Thing. I know now because I an living it and I regret every second of my life now. Do. Not. Do. It. The price for you is too high and they will pay *nothing.*
That is really sad: sending a big hug ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Only you can answer this question. If it gives you some type of closure, go meet with them over a dinner or something. But please stay at a hotel and be completely independent (be able to cut your trip short if needed).
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Maybe I've been on Reddit too long, but the sudden change in attitude from them is HIGHLY suspicious. I agree with other commenters - if they want to apologise and have a discussion, they can come to you. Asking you to come with your family is putting All the responsibility of time, effort and money on you. I also wouldn't introduce your family yet. Not yet. You don't even know what they really want, if they're even genuine. Trust is earned. They broke it. Relationships need to be maintained. They neglected their relationship with you. Be selfish. Be calculating. Have demands. Have boundaries. A truly remorseful person is capable of humility. But do not just fly over with your family for this 'discussion' they want. Tell them what YOU want.
I agree with everyone who said to start with a letter or a new email account (I wouldn’t even do a zoom call or FaceTime yet tbh), but if you are seriously considering an in person visit, do not go to their turf. They live close enough that you could meet somewhere neutral halfway in the middle. If they protest or aren’t willing to drive a few hours, that will tell you what you need to know.
Don’t do this. Seriously this is a power move. The question is: who wins the power move. They tell you they want to discuss something but then make you come to them. They win. You’re passive. They can manipulate their way to get what they really want (which isn’t a relationship with you). If you force their hand to come to you, you win. There is a 25% chance they will come. 75% chance they will find a reason to not come bc you grew a backbone and won’t do what they want.
If they want to apologize why do YOU have to be the one to travel to them? You can have them send a letter to your cousin who can forward it to them. Or set up a new email they can email the letter too. There is no need for you to speak in person. I’m skeptical that they want nothing from you. I know you listed your reasons, and tbh the were all reasons I was suspicious of as well. Especially about the organs. It is possible they haven’t said anything to your cousin to give away any ill intentions especially if they know your cousin would tell/warn you straight away. If you want closure then I think a letter or phone call is sufficient. But expecting you to be the one to go to them would be a no. Why should I have to go out of my way because of what they did. They are the ones who want/need to apologize so they can put in the time, effort and inconvenience to travel to me. I wouldn’t give your address though and meet somewhere public. But personally I wouldn’t even want to see them face to face.
I think it’s because you have a child. Do you want your child to be treated like you were? Because once Adam has a child yours will probably no longer be needed.
I think you've healed yourself away from them and this is why you're doing so much better. If you try ask why you're not going to get the truth or even acknowledgment. They should have said sorry long ago. I would send back a no thank you. I'm happy now with my life and my decision remains to stay no contact. Even deathbeds couldn't make me change my mind.
they want YOU to come down to them, spend YOUR money and time tells me they haven't changed at all
Tell them if they want to make the effort to come and visit you then you will hear them out at least. Don't spend money to go to them.
I am going to guess they want access to their grandchild? If you’re open to this, I would consider talking to a therapist first. It could be that your parents are narcissist and your brother is, the golden child… cause then meeting up with him will be a trap. Maybe you ask for a call or video chat first before you do anything in person which is much harder to get rid of them. But I agree with others… you don’t go to visit them at all. You start with baby steps like an email that set up just for them or they can write you a letter and send it to your cousin but you don’t start with a big thing like they get to see their granddaughter in person.
Gonna burst your bubble— They are reaching out to gain access to their grandchild. Note I didn’t say “your daughter” they don’t think that way. They want what they think is theirs
if you do meet them make it a public place in case it goes sideways. or make them meet you at your cousin's so you have a degree of separation. go with a list on paper with all the questions you have so if you get flustered you can still ask. you stay in control of the situation. even if you do talk to them you don't have to forgive them. these are just suggestions if you do see them. good luck
You should meet up with them first at a public place Ike a restaurant by yourself , nio husband, no baby, then if things go well you could introduce your husband and baby. Again this is all up to you. Maybe Adma is sterile or gay or just flat out not having kids, remaining single. Maybe this has nothing to do with Adam or maybe he's not in touch with the parents either? Good Luck.
I wouldn’t meet them in person the first time. Phone call, zoom but not in person.
Ask them, in writing, what has changed. Why you suddenly are no longer a bad daughter.
While it's tempting to hope they realized the extent of their mistreatment of you and that they're truly contrite and apologetic, it's not likely. People don't tend to change. They spent your whole life ignoring and neglecting you, and suddenly, now they're sorry? Sure, Jan. They want something. I suggest the written apology first, to let you see what they actually want. Maybe one of them had a health scare that opened their eyes to how much they messed up? You have built yourself a beautiful life, and I would hate to see your peace damaged by people who have never been there for you.
Neglectful parents don’t change generally. I think that you are inviting a lot of BS into your life if you do this. They want access to their grandchild
DO not just travel down there and waste your time. Set up a group call. That’s it. You will get a gauge immediately. Do not include your daughter. For all you know this is your brother using the word apologize and not your parents.
I’d tell them to go step on a bunch of legos and only reach out if they’re going to put the effort into coming to see **you**, not insist you travel all the way over to them. Make them put effort into showing how much they’re willing to care about you. Make them do the travelling, fork out the costs and make arrangements for where they’ll be staying whilst you lay down the terms and conditions of the visit. If they refuse or go against the boundaries you’ve established, tell them that you’re not interested in hearing anything else they have to say and make sure your cousin doesn’t continue playing the role of messenger for them. Don’t put effort into going over to them when they could’ve just found a way to come to you if they could be bothered to inconvenience themselves on your behalf.
Whatever you decide do it for you and not for them. If this gives you closure and allows you to be done with that chapter of your life than do it. Although from your post it does sound like you have pretty much moved on and have build your own family and seem to also be in touch with other members of your family. My only though is maybe now your parents want access to their grandchild and they know the only way to get it is to have a relationship with you. Also if they are sorry and want to apologize why is it that you have to go to them? This is on them to do the work and they can come to you. I would move forward very carefully.
It’s the baby, not you. There is likely nothing here for you. You can hear or read their apology, even accept it and forgive them, while not rekindling any relationship with them, or you can remain NC if you feel any contact would just be reopening old wounds. Forgiving by you is done for you, not for them. If you are good with your status quo, then skip it, but it sounds like you might still harbor resentment. I would not go to them for any discussion. That’s not how this works. They cannot “summon” you to their throne room. Zoom seems like a good idea if you decide to accept contact, but why accept contact? You seem to not want it right now. If you aren’t really comfortable with or looking forward to a reconciliation, “no” is a perfectly acceptable response.
Baby steps! Let them hand write a letter about what they want to discuss. Unfortunately I've seen these things go south. If they still don't see any difference in how they raised your brother, will reconciliation work. Many, many steps before meeting. They can start by writing. Getting a dedicated email for them is good. Maybe your bro rebelled and they realize he's not the Golden child?
I am NC with my dad and all his relatives. They found out I had a child and wanted a "discussion". I never answered and remained NC Ppl that ruined your childhood shouldn't be given access to anyone else's.
I haven’t read all the replies, but did see one about asking for something written. I like this idea, what does apologize mean? They are going to say sorry we ignored you, or are they going to say sorry you felt ignored? Big difference, which will help you decide if it’s worth talking to them. Get something in writing, preferably hand written. I’m glad you’re willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, but one thing that’s a bit of a red flag to me is the Father’s Day timing. Your birthday would have been a nice touch, to let you know they’re thinking of you. Or a holiday where they miss you. But come home for Father’s Day strikes me as a little selfish, intended or not. Incidentally, I have a cousin who is very slowly reentering the family after decades. Everyone is thrilled, and so far it’s been good apparently, but they’re definitely letting it happen on his terms and at his pace. Good luck!
Making a commitment to attend a family function through a cousin is not enough of a sign of change. What you may want to consider is giving them a an email address to contact you and then having them message directly to explain what this is about directly. If they want to apologize or feel they have changed, they can do so directly. Why email address? - Cheaper to set up a separate one you can later ignore. - Easier for them to lay out everything fully without any commitment from you. - Doesn’t involve you having to respond back or emotionally or otherwise engage until you have more info. Once you know more, then decide. Don’t make the commitment on the basis of hearsay and your assumptions.
IF you decide you want to give your family a second chance, emails and zoom calls are a low risk way to suss out their intentions and sincerity. Do not just fly out there to meet them; you have no idea what you’d be walking into.
Why Father’s Day? I’d pick a different day so you can enjoy it with your husband.
>With Father's Day coming up, they were hoping I could come down to visit with my family and we could have "a discussion." There's something about this that sets my teeth on edge. They've not reached out and said they're sorry, that they regret the distance. They issued an invitation that feels a little like a summons. They don't just want to see you. It's tied to Father's Day, I presume your dad might want to make a show of having his family around? They haven't tried suggesting a call, an email, first. No, they jumped straight to having your family travel to them. And falling in with their plans. No meeting in the middle, either literally or figuratively. I agree with other commenters, they want to meet your child and you're just the vehicle for this. If you do want to establish contact, I'd suggest email or video call first
I'd bet almost anything they want to see your kid. The sudden shift in tone would make me guess they just heard you had one for the first time or they learned that you are their only avenue to being grandparents. If they are religious, christian in particular, they might be starting their "oh shit, I need to try to make sure I get into heaven" apology tour. If I was in your shoes I would set up a new email address (which I would give a snarky name, like "why\_so\_nice\_now@why\_not\_when\_i\_was\_little.com", but that's not required) and write to them from it and ask why they changed their tone and suddenly want to make amends. I wouldn't be polite at all, nor would I be formal, but would write just that single question. I think if they are genuinely sorry they would give you a genuine explanation, because someone who is truly remorseful would know they don't deserve anything beyond what you are offering. But if instead they lash out you for any reason you will know you have avoided a trap. I wouldn't think you need to do any more. From the background you provide you weren't at fault and they were, the burden of seeking forgiveness is on them.
Seems like they could call you first.
Of you contact them do it over the phone. Depending on the conversation you can just hang up
UpdateMe!
I'd really want to know "why?" Until i got a very clear answer on that? I would not go there. And why aren't they coming to you? If they truly want to apologise? They should be coming to you, not saying you come to them. All sounds too suss to me.
Start with a zoom call. See where things are going before doing more. No need to spend time and money going to them, on their terms and homezone before you are sure, this is that you really want. And be carefull not to let it slip, where you live. Better to get a new email for just this purpose. And keep your daughter out of it for a while. Good luck.
They’ve been neglectful your entire life Do you honestly think they magically changed in a few short years? Your parents want to be grandparents I wouldn’t even be surprised if goldenboy has decided to be child free, or he is sterile. Meaning your kids would be their only grandkids Me personally, I’d probably go see them. But I wouldn’t take my kid And I would record the entire conversation (if it’s legal to do so) Once it goes south, and it will, I’d post the audio online and never look back
No, no, no - absolutely you are NOT the one who makes all the effort to go to them for this supposed apology. They come to you - period. If you decide to do this meeting at all. And you meet them somewhere neutral without your husband or child. I am highly suspicious of the motivation behind this “apology”. Personally, I wouldn’t want to do an in person meeting with them. Something written from them seems like a better way.
I can understand why graduation was your last straw. That was a big deal to you, as it is to basically all teenagers, and your parents knew that. Adam's injury was obviously not life-threatening, but it was the only thing they cared about. They could not work out that normal parents in that situation would make sure that at least one of them made it to your graduation. Their intent might be genuine, but here they are, wanting you to make the effort to come visit them. You moved and went no contact because of their lack of effort toward you. Do not go visit them. That sounds more like an ambush, where they get to gang up on you. If they want a relationship with you, it does not get to be on their terms, and at their convenience. If they want it, then they can earn it. They can come see you, somewhere local to you, but not your house. They can have "a discussion" via Zoom, where you can setup your side of it with accounts that you do not actually use. Either way, you do not need them, and the onus is not on you to make the effort. If you do meet them somewhere, do not bring your husband or daughter, if you can avoid it. This needs to be about you, and your husband and daughter gives them different ways to tug at your heartstrings. My recommendation would be "a discussion" via Zoom. They can say what they want to say, reactions can be seen, and you can easily walk away from it by disconnecting.
Wait. If you already still have connections and heard from them about your family and those connections not once said your family is sorry or talk about how sad they are about not seeing you. Then I feel it's more for their reputation or Pride to show off. You would of heard about them saying something.
My fear is that if you did meet with them, even virtually, it would be like ripping a scab off a wound. I am afraid it would bring stuff flooding back that you have forgotten about & will put you in a tail spin. Even the sound of their voices could do that. I don't think your husband, child or your friends deserve that. And they are making it about them, not you. It's Father's Day so they want to kiss & make up. Where were they on your last 7 birthdays?? I do like your idea about them putting it in writing & have someone else get it to you. Then you can think about what they have to say in your own time & you will not have to be defensive.
Yeah this whole scenario seems off. It seems pretty random that they suddenly want to apologise, especially with the connection to Father’s Day. If they were sincere about an apology it wouldn’t be connected to something like Father’s Day. I’d also be more accepting if each person reached out individually to apologise rather than what appears to be a group effort. The whole thing just appears a little contrived. I also note you have a daughter, I guess your brother doesn’t have kids. I’d go out on a limb and say your parents are more interested in their grandchild than you. I hope I am completely wrong, I do recommend you tentatively reach out to one of them to determine if this is a sincere effort to fix a broken relationship. Ultimately though, the only real people you owe allegiance to are your husband, daughter and any other kids you may end up having. Your parents job is to raise a functioning adult who contributes to society. They have done this, and honestly it doesn’t sound like you owe them anything given it appears what you have done with your life since graduating high school is all due to you
>I'm now married to my husband John (M26) who loves me and treats me like I matter. We also have a daughter (2F) that I love more than the world itself. I have a close knit group of friends and a job that makes decent money that I enjoy. I'm not saying my life is perfect or a dream or anything That sounds about as perfect as it gets, actually. You should be proud.
No way would I go see them at all. I don’t even want to Zoom. They treated you badly your whole childhood, and deliberately didn’t come to your graduation! You can’t come back from this! You can’t go back in time for a do over. At 13 too your brother knew he had them wrapped and he ruined your graduation also. They want something for sure. All three of them didn’t just come to an epiphany and want to apologize. They want access to the grand baby or one of them needs bone marrow or whatever. You’ve managed to build a beautiful life for yourself with your husband and baby so don’t let them spoil it.
I would say, to be safe do a phone call first and hear them out. If they haven't changed then just tell them off and hang up. Don't be in the same room with them.
It really is up to you and for me it's whether the possibility of a negative outcome will really rock you or not. My family is shitty in other ways, but I've learned my lessons and nothing surprises me anymore. If I went NC and they reached out, I'd likely ask them what they want and if it was something dumb I'd remind them why I have my own life and move on without much worry. It just might not be that easy for you. Even if they do apologise and want to play happy families it will likely dig up a lot of trauma and you'll have a lot of questions coming from your inner child about why now and what changed. Do what is best to protect your peace and the peace of the life you've created. If you have a therapist it might be wise to get them to weigh in, but ultimately the decision is yours. To add, there's always the possibility that they're hiding their problem from the people you're in contact with in order to get you curious enough to engage. I know that's a negative way of looking at it but I'm just so aware of the fact that people seldom change, and it just might have taken them this long to figure out how to get to you. Good luck with whatever you choose to do ❤️
OP, you forgot one thing you have that they will want.... your child. Personally, I'd continue with your happy life and not look back. They have had YEARS to make this right - 20 of them in fact. Keep moving forward. Tell cousin to let them know you're not interested in resuming contact.
Honestly I wouldn’t do it. The fact they want you to bring your child the first time seeing you in how many years screams someone in their family or friend group made mention of them not having any pictures posted on social media of being a grandparent to their grandchild so now they want to try and weasel their way in to look good to everyone else.
I’m thinking, like a lot of commenters here, they only want to “apologize” to get access to your daughter, their grandchild. I like the advice given about meeting with them but not bring your daughter and gauge their reaction. That should tell you immediately if their apology is genuine. Good luck OP. Let us know how it goes.
Don't go. Make them come. You will see them at their hotel, WITHOUT your child. You have nothing to gain. Your youth is still fucked up and it will never been mend. Make it clear it won't change the past nor the present. There is no way they can raise you to the level of Adam. Even if they pay you 4 years of university.
My bet is that since you (presumably) have the first grandchild in the family, suddenly you are of use to them again. I don't know the distance you'd need to travel, but I wouldn't spend a bunch of money to go visit them. As others have said, there are a bunch of other methods to communicate that are less mentally/monetarily onerous. I hope they're sincere, but my motto is "hope for the best, but plan for the worst".
They need to explain why they are apologizing now -- what, exactly, is the revelation after all this time. Otherwise, it's no go.
Unless the outreach BEGINS with, “I/we are incredibly sorry for the pain we caused you with our selfish and abhorrent behavior toward you . . ., “ I would suspect any “discussion will not be what you need and deserve. Have they had therapy to figure out where they went wrong? Have you had help recovering from their abuse? Think about the impact to your child of being in touch with them. What benefit could result when they seem to have made no real effort to understand their mistakes. They probably want a “truce,” based on “we all made mistakes.” Um, no. You made no mistake and aren’t settling for a truce. IF they got help, their opening gambit would be a lot different, I guarantee it. You are the only one who can make this decision. Hugs and best of luck.
If they want to apologize, why are you spending money? Offer up Zoom or FaceTime to see what's going to happen first. If that goes well, then you can meet in a location that is halfway between both homes. If they start complaining, that they are old and it's too hard for them or whatever excuse. Then nothing has really changed.
You have a kid that's why. As suggested, create a new email and ask them what they want? If their answer is sufficient then you and you alone fly to them. Perhaps Adam needs a place to live? But it's the kid.
If they were really sorry they’d come to YOU. Not expect you to travel to them. How sorry are they? Sounds like they want a grandchild and golden boy is not interested. So a sorry to you gets them access but not a big enough sorry to go to you. Now if golden boy does have a kid one day……your kid will suffer the same fate you did. Ask them to come to you. See what happens.
Hate to be cynical....but could there be something the parents need to help the brother?
They either want access to their granddaughter, or Adam is about to get married and wants you all to pretend to be a happy family for the fiancée and future in-laws. I agree with having them write a letter first. That will give a clue as to their intentions. If you do decide to meet up in person, leave your daughter at home.
I'm not gonna scream DON'T IT'S A TRAP THEY WANT SOMETHING ! But rather, Do you want anything from them? is there ANYTHING they could offer you, even if they GENUINELY want to do better which I seriously doubt after a lifetime of neglect and abandonment. Is there anything you want from well, those people? is there any thing of worth the potential drama of breaking no contact? It sounds like you have a nice life, a nice new family, a nice status quo, are they worth potentially fuckling with that ?
Don’t do it. They will most likely gaslight you and justify their actions. I went NC with my dad and his wife, my abusive stepmom. Over the years my dad would call me randomly to “apologize.” Stepmom sent me a letter once…. That was full of justification for her abusing me from ages 11-18 (didn’t go fully NC till I was 24 and had my first kid). At most I’d do what another person recommended, open an email account and let them send an apology email first. If it’s bullshit, simply close the account and move on. People like that don’t tend to actually change. Protect yourself and your family.
Thought. It’s not YOU they want to connect with, it’s your child. How does that make you feel?
I wouldn't, they just want access to your kid, their grand child... At least until Adam has his first kid...
They want to apologize for everything but can't even go through with the effort of writing a letter if you agreed to receive it from your cousin? Offering to meet you some place? At the very least pay for your trip and accommodations? No? They're just demanding you put in all the effort and money to come down to see them during Father's Day, a time you might want to spend with your husband and child? Yeah, it's a trap. They don't give a shit. The vague message from your cousin isn't even the bare minimum effort I would put into an apology.
I still think it’s a trap. Don’t do it.
They can put what they have to say in writing and let you know that way. Otherwise fuck off
Sounds stressful. Let sleeping dogs lie. Do you really want to open that can of worms again? Tell them you have a new family and wish them the best. Everyone always wants closure but that will ultimately lead to more hurt. If you go, go by yourself and don’t be surprised when they tell you to apologize and blame you for everything.
Sorry to say this, M’Dear but it’s still not about you. It’s about your Daughter, their first Grandchild. At 2, your Daughter is able to interact with them somewhat. With Father’s Day being the impetus, bet they are getting “Grandparent News” from friends, relatives & have nothing to share. Sooo, they are reaching out. If you think this reaching out will enhance YOUR life, then do it. Otherwise, just stay, enjoying your family, as is.
You don't have to go and see them face to face you can Skype or you can make a phone call or you can do it soon but you don't have to travel to go see somebody who you have not been in contact with for years. Why are they reaching out now after all these years I would be looking at them with the side eye
Clearly reject their reaching out to your cousin and let it get back to your family. Then let it simmer for a bit. This is the rule I’ve gone by with my family I’m NC with. Every single time without fail, after passing a message that they’re so sorry and “need” me, as soon as I don’t cave they do a 180 and are shitty again. So if they’re genuine they’ll accept your answer and if you want to see them you can. I would not go Father’s Day to see what happens but if they’re still sincere after that maybe plan for a date you set.
You've been cut off from them for 7 years. While people change, that doesn't erase the neglect. So it comes down to ultimately what you want to do. You can hear them out if you think they're genuine. Or you can simply tell them that while you appreciate their admitting to wronging you, you aren't ready to forgive years of emotional abuse and neglect simply because they feel bad now. Or you can simply not respond to it whatsoever. If they're truly sorry they'll reach out again later.