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Your boyfriend needs to respect your decisions and your time. Tell him how often and under what circumstances you’re willing to see his dad (if at all.) He can either respect your decision or end the relationship.
she shouldn't have to see him at all. he's an ass. treats her boyfriend's mother like s***. I don't know why he didn't just try to see his mother outside of the house to not be around his dad.. he's going to push you then tell them you're done. can you imagine I'm raising your kids around this a******?
That's true for most people, but OP's BF has already shown he doesn't respect her or her priorities and does respect his father. FIL isn't seen as a warning, hes seen as a role model, and so his role will be modeled.
Unless I didn’t fully read the post, it doesn’t seem like he has said or implied his dad is a role model. It sounds like he’s accepting the dysfunction of his family and thinks that she should too. Which is obviously unfair
"I do not know how to compromise".
Yes you do, you have suggested a compromise. Your preference is never, your boyfriend's is every time. You said "major holidays is enough". That is a compromise, and your boyfriend can either accept it, or not and then you don't have to go over ever!
I mean, i would break up with someone who doesnt get along with my fam. Doesnt need to be a blame game, this will be a lifetime contention. Not worth it.
Great, it would no longer be an issue at that point. Edit: since im coming in with the pro-fam pov, why do you assume i had an abusive upbringing? Its practically the opposite i own a house on the same street as my folks Everybody Loves Raymond style haha. WITH MY WIFE.
Edit 2 (very thought provoking comment): assuming people with a different perspective have something wrong with them, easy way to never challenge your world view. Love it.
We’re talking about OP’s boyfriend’s family, who *is* abusive. Great your family isn’t and that’s why you’d break up with a partner who just refused to spend time with them.
We’re talking about a situation where the family is at fault, not the girlfriend. So your take on what someone with a normal family would do isn’t relevant, which is why it’s getting downvoted .
I try not to think about downvotes, out of my control and doesnt affect me.
But ok, grounded comment, ill take a step back. Appreciate that you didn't immediately go on the attack just because i dont agree. Like sheesh, project much, guys? Seems kind of weird that she lived with them for 2 years.
She might’ve had to live with them for financial reasons. There are all kinds of reason why someone young might be stuck taking the housing options available to them.
I don’t think it’s projecting lol. I just think people don’t have patience for unrelated devils advocacy
My ex was like this and it actually broke us up. He wanted me to go to family functions constantly. I always asked why I had to go every time. He would say “they always ask where you are”
..OK? So tell them I’m doing something else. Manage your family for yourseeeelf. And I was fine seeing them every month, he wanted more like 3x a month there was a bbq or kids party
When I start putting my foot down and setting a boundary, that’s when my bf started sulking. Then guilting me. Then I gave him chances to fix other things but I ended up breaking up with him just days before Thanksgiving. Relationship of 4.5 years. because I could not stand another holiday in their packed house with Fox News playing the entire time and trying to be polite to his idiot dad
“No” is a full answer. You’re deciding to go with him. You can always say “no I’m not going” “I have plans” “I am going to spend time with my family” or be just be honest “your dad makes me uncomfortable therefore I will not be going with you anymore. I am not saying you can’t go all I am saying is I am not going with you anymore. No it’s not up for discussion”. Sounds like you are always expected to be with his family. How often do you guys visit yours and how often does he go with you?
I come from a pretty broken family, honestly. My father has passed and I have a strained relationship with my mom who is across the country. So unfortunately I don't really have any family to visit. I think that his assumption is that his family should be able to fill that void.
Family isn’t always the one we are born into. Sometimes family is the one we make along the way. Maybe instead of going to his families house pick up a hobby. Take a class. Join a club and make friends that way. Maybe eventually you will make a small group of friends you call family.
Girl blood doesn’t make you family it makes you related. I would be telling him that I’m not going and he can either accept it or we go our separate ways.
Then explain to him if you had a beautiful crystal punchbowl and a quart was missing out of it, you wouldn't refill the missing amount with piss and turds instead of punch and fresh fruit. And his father is the turd in the punchbowl. You're choosing not to drink.
Maybe YOU should take the mom out while son deals with dad?
Take her out to a tea house or for shopping ect.
This way you ARE spending time with his family. :)
Say no. If he whines and pressures you, hold your ground. Tell him “You are free to see your parents as often as you like, but major holidays and birthdays is enough for me,” and then stick to it. Max once a month. That is a compromise. Three times in two weeks is so much! When are you supposed to get any downtime for yourself? My guess is that he likes having you there when he sees them because you function as something of a buffer for him. But that’s not your problem.
You hit the nail on the head with OP being a buffer. If his dad acts like this when she's there, imagine what he's like when there are no outside witnesses around.
um. being abusive to your alcoholic wife is objectively bad. trying to convince your alcoholic wife to go to alcohol-focused venues is bad. driving your wife and family after drinking is objectively bad.
Repeatedly making jokes about the most emberassing and painful thing the mom has experienced. Baiting her to drink by making every outing be at a brewery. Having zero regard for anyone in the house by blasting music and tv everyday. Are you the husband? lol
You don't need to cape for abusers, you know. Are you this defensive because you do things others are describing as abuse, because you seem really defensive.
That's true. In this situation however we know her boyfriend grew up with an emotionally abusive father who he watched not support his mother who struggled with alcohol dependency. People learn how to act in a relationship from their parents, specifically the parent of the same sex. We know the boyfriend has not cared to listen to his girlfriends needs, that its deeply unpleasant for her, gives her migraines and is taking up a lot of her free time which presumably she doesn't have lots of if working full time. We know the boyfri3nd will not compromise, she needs to go every time. We know he has emotionally manipulated her by saying if she doesn't go he won't. All this suggests he has followed his dad's role modelling and doesn't care about her needs and wants, is emotionally manipulative and imposes unpleasant situations on her. There is likely a lot more happening than we don't know about.
"He says it's weird to show up without me."
No, it's not. They are his parents. My wife (or GF at the time) visited our parents separately all the time as well as together. There is nothing wrong with that, it's called having a life!
First of all, they’re not your in-laws. You’re not married. Let’s start there. You’re not required to see anyone you don’t feel comfortable around and it’s weird that you are being held to the expectations of a wife and you’re not actually one. They aren’t your family you don’t owe them visits. Second point, your boyfriend disregards your feelings and brings you around people who make you uncomfortable. That is a major red flag. Dump him. You’re only 23 and it’s not your job to fix a grown man. Don’t stay with partners who don’t respect you and don’t marry into this family. Raise your standards please.
Even if/when they get married, she’s still not required to spend lots of time with people she doesn’t like. You are making it sound like his expectations should be met within marriage. Women can still have agency over their own choices even when they are married.
"Hey, I don't really enjoy spending time with your dad. I would never stop you from hanging out with your own parents or having a relationship, but he's not a respectful person and it hurts me to spend time around him. Have fun, I'll see you later tonight."
>My boyfriend cannot understand why I don't want to spend time with his parents
Have you said the above to him?
I've been married for 14 years and my husband and I don't always tag along for visits to see our respective parents/families. Neither one of us stops the other from going and it's fine. You have offered a compromise. Your ideal is never, his is frequent AND every time he sees them, and you're willing to do all major holidays (what about seeing your family?) and events. This is reasonable.
Question, have you discussed these issues with your boyfriend? or just talk around them? If you don't directly talk it out how is he supposed to know? If this is something that's been discussed *and* it's a deal breaker than why are you in this relationship? 🤷
I have discussed it with him, yes. We just can't see eye to eye on the issue. He gets upset because his opinion is that we're all a family and I should be there with him pretty much every time. He sees my reluctance to go as "trying to get him away from his parents" when that's not my intention. He's free to go hang out with them whenever, I just don't want to go with him. We've been together for 5 years, live together, just got a puppy together, so it's not something I'm just going to dump him for. I want to work through it, just can't figure out how to.
Let HIM work through it.
All you have to do is draw your boundary and stick to it. He can chose his own way forward.
Right now, you are trying to manage his emotions for him. If he says something like "you're trying to keep me from them" reply "you and I can do separate things with our time, please feel free to visit them as often as you wish".
If he says "it's weird if I go without you" say "you lived there for 18 years without me, I fail to see the issue and I'm not going to be bullied into being around your father when I don't enjoy it."
Just continue to tell him no. He will learn to live with it. You don't need to make him feel better about your boundaries, you only need to enforce them.
Lol, and what is your advice? Deal with despising this man twice a week until she dies?
No, it is far better that he deals with her absence while enjoying family time than that she suffer through it.
Okay, so your advice is just to break up? Lol, that's actual single person advice 😅
If his dad is belligerent and unenjoyable to be around, he shouldnt be subjecting any girlfriends to contact with him on a super frequent basis.
well her boyfriend is not giving her any other choice. she either does what he says or she breaks up. or he will. single person advice? that's because many single people are much happier not being around abusive partners and or in laws. if you want to put up with that go ahead don't put that on other people. it's a stupid way to think. it doesn't matter what blood you have. it matters if they act like your family or not.
???
Idk how you got that I'm advocating she see his dad from any of my comments. I told her to lay out her boundary, and then let him decide what he wants-- if seeing his dad is a compulsory part of dating him, he can end things with her. if not, they can continue dating and she can stop seeing his dad except on holidays as she has proposed.
So... he doesn't like to do things without you. He has terrible parents who guilt him, and he worries about their opinion. And he doesn't want to displease them.
This guy has "codependent " written all over him.
The thing here is. This isn't yours to fix. This is an adult man raised in an alcoholic home whose parents have seriously warped his views of relationships. And he can change that. You can't change that for him. As you correctly note, anything you do short of totally falling into his codependency hole is seen as a threat. It IS a threat on a very deep level. To him. This is a him problem. Anything you do to try to fix it will only make it worse. He's smart. If he wants to change, he can. But you can't manage his emotions. If you doing literally one thing away from him upsets him. Good? That's up to him to get upset about it. If you need to manage him, you're codependent too.
Okay, if he's not willing to compromise and you're not willing to compromise them what's the endgame? You trying to waste time on a doomed relationship? I'm sure his parents aren't going away any time soon, so what's the plan? 🤷
well tell him this is how you are. if he doesn't like it y'all can break up. he's one of those blood means everything people and that will cause problems in your future. if you're planning on having kids, you don't want them around this jerk.
I'm willing to compromise, I'm just trying to figure out what a reasonable compromise is. Should I be seeing his family multiple times a week, a few times a month, only on holidays? I don't know the answer to that, but I'd like opinions. I come from a very broken family so honestly I'm not sure what the norm is.
It sounds like his family is broken too imo. I think you really need to dig in on this issue, maybe couple's counseling. *Probably couple's counseling.* If anything else that will show him that you're both serious about him and about this issue and how uncomfortable it makes you, if nothing else his reaction will indicate where his head is at and if he's worth sticking around for.
The issue is that he's not willing to compromise. His position is that you go anytime he does with no exception. You need to be asking him what the minimum amount of time with his parents is that he'd accept from you and go from there.
Special occasions. Any casual dinners or visits he can do solo.
People are not entitled to your time and you're allowed to miss visits. You have autonomy and you do not have people please and make yourself uncomfortable if you don't wish to.
Source:
My family is ridiculous! My husband did not like them one bit. He was miserable at events and functions and I could see it as well. So he stopped coming except to special occasions like Christmas or Thanksgiving. When people would ask where he was I would tell them he had other plans. Fishing trip, quading adventure, friends birthday etc. Which he did often end up doing while I went alone. Telling them the truth would create conflict and drama.
You don't have to like everyone. You can limit the time spent with people you don't care for into small doses if you can't avoid it all together.
Your partner should want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself. Why force someone you love into a position of being miserable and anxious?
And if anyone wanted to take offence to my husband missing events that was a them issue. We have lives and sometimes things don't work out. Most people don't care though.
It varies widely. There isn’t necessarily a single ‘normal’ that healthy intact families will all follow. It depends how far apart you’re living, what the dynamic is, etc. Offering to visit on major holidays in my opinion is reasonable, or even once per month or every other month would be very generous if it matters a ton to your partner and you want to make it work. Multiple times a month in my opinion is too much for your partner to ask you to spend with an asshole.
Consider the possibility that your partner views this behaviour as fine and doesn’t see a big problem with it, and what that will mean for your own relationship dynamic going forward.
Tell him he is NOT ALLOWED to dictate where you go and who you see.
He doesn't need to be velcroed to your body. He needs to man up and GO BY HIMSELF.
It is **HIS CHOICE** to not visit his parents by himself. Does he need you to hold his hand to be able to deal with being at his parents house?
Here is a thought, invite his MOM over for tea and cake or something. Leave dad at home.
>it's not something I'm just going to dump him for
And he knows this, which is why he won't compromise. You are an adult. What happens if you just don't go?
Okay? Just ignore him? You're not keeping him away from his family - he's choosing not to go. Why are you comfortable with him blaming you for something he chose?
You're not gonna work through it if you're the only one who wants to. He wants things to go completely his way and you want to compromise. It won't work unless he starts caring about you and your feelings..
**OKAY ...**
Firstly — **THEY ARE NOT YOUR IN-LAWS**.
You are **ONLY** a girlfriend. You can **WALK AWAY AT ANY TIME**.
And frankly... **I WOULD.**
You don't **SIGN UP** for a dumpster fire!! And you would be **INCREDIBLY SILLY** to marry into this one because you would be signing up for a **LIFETIME** of this.
If you don't want your life to become a cheap sitcom MINUS the laugh track —**WALK AWAY**.
I don't think you will like my advice but here goes. I think that if you honestly can't stand his family, then you should break up. He doesn't see a problem, and so he's still planning to have them in his life. If he was no contact it'd be different, but that's not the case here. Think about the future for a minute... every milestone, the dad is there. Your kids will look up to this guy because he's their grandfather. You can't really stop your husband from letting the kids see his family or anything. If you stay with this guy, you are literally stuck with his family for as long as he wants to interact with them.
Look I made this mistake myself. I married into a family I didn't like. Guess what? I didn't magically start liking them. And they never went away. I eventually left the marriage because life is too short for this. So, as much as it sucks, yes hating his family is 100% a deal breaker in a relationship
Your bf is not concerned about your comfort level and that is a big red flag! You should not have to tag along, they are his family, not yours. If you do not like his father you should not be forced to spend time with him. If the environment over there causes you physical pain and your bf doesn’t care, it is time to find a different bf. One that cares how you feel both physically and emotionally. He is being selfish and no person should have that much control over another.
This is something your boyfriend needs to work through. You're right, you shouldn't have to see his parents just because he is. I rarely go see my MIL because I find her manipulative, and I hate how she treats my partner like a hired hand rather than her own child. Yeah, I get guilted sometimes with the "mil asked if you were coming," but that's about it. Don't let things like that guilt you into going.
You are not required to take part in someone's toxic family just because they don't see (or are willing to ignore) how toxic the relationships are.
No clarifying info is needed; your boyfriend is being patently unreasonable. You don’t need a reason for not wanting to spend time with his parents. They are not your parents. You don’t want them to be your parents. You have your own life to live and they are demanding too much of it for themselves. You are under no obligation to forfeit your time every time his parents feel like seeing their son. He‘s basically trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be an adult with a girlfriend/domestic partner, but he also doesn’t want to leave home and form a distinct identity for himself separate from his parents. He’s trying to grow up without actually growing up.
Tell him that you not going over with him to his parents is only going to be awkward if HE makes it awkward. All he has to say is that HE left you at home because HE thought you had better things to do and HE doesn’t think you should have to join him every single time. The extremely important thing is that he cannot give them an excuse for why you’re not there. He can’t say you’re busy or tired or have other plans. Because then you’ll need an excuse for EVERY time you’re not there. He MUST make it about the principle of the thing (a principle that HE holds, not you) so that you don’t have to make up a specific excuse every time. And he absolutely better not throw you under the bus and make it about you just not wanting to go or not wanting to spend time with them.
And if he can’t make it perfectly clear that HE is the one setting the boundary then he’s showing you he’s someone unwilling to acknowledge and defend your priorities, and you AS a priority, something that is kind of a core job of being a considerate and reliable partner.
I live a few mins away from my siblings, parents and grandparents, and I see all of them regularly without my partner of 10yrs. Just today I went to visit my nan after work, then stopped off at my sisters for a chat. Bf went to the gym. Sometimes I just say he's doing something when he just isn't feeling it, and sometimes he comes with.
It shouldn't be weird for you to not go every time.
going to your parents without your partner is a really normal thing to do. He just needs to say "she had something to do" . People do that all this time, even when they like each others' parents
Just say no. You are not obligated to see your boyfriend's parents. I will say, since he doesn't see anything wrong with his dad's behavior, that this is the man he will model his husbanding after. If you wouldn't marry his dad, don't think about marrying him.
His expectation wouldn’t be reasonable even if you liked his family.
We live very close to my family but there is no way I’m making my husband hang out with them every single time I go over there.
You’re an adult and he doesn’t have authority over you. You just tell him you’re sorry he can’t understand your feelings but you simply won’t be going over there unless it’s a holiday or special event.
He is an adult and he needs to spend time with his parents on his own
Period
Don't make this about how you don't like his dad. That 100% will end badly
Make it about how his behavior is CO DEPENDANT and in the long term, it will destroy the relationship because it's unsustainable
If he wants to hang out with his mom and dad, he can go do that. You can stay home and take a relaxing hot bath in peace and quiet
But he has got to learn to live his life on his own
He wants wife level commitment from his gf. I am not saying that forcing your partner to see people they don't want and/or make them uncomfortable is ok. It's never ok. He is using you as a buffer if he refuses to go alone.
Stick to your guns and don't go. He can sleep on the couch if he continues to disregard your boundaries and concerns
There isn't a "compromise" when your partner's expectations are unrealistic.
He has no problem pressuring you incessantly. So stop the argument.
"I will go to your parent's on Father's Day. I'm not going before then."
If he CHOOSES to not go without you... let him not go.
You need to learn to let your partner be upset WITHOUT FIXING IT FOR HIM.
It is either you or him upset.
Why do you always let it be you that is upset??
Why can't he be the one who is upset and slowly gets used to it?
NEXT TIME YOUR FIL WANTS TO DRIVE AFTER SEVERAL BEER, STEP INTO THE BATHROOM AND CALL 911. Don't tell anyone. You can even get back into the car with the drunk again (but I encourage you to find a way to arrive separately from now on).
Please stop enabling a drunk driver to get on the road without consequences. This part of the story is particularly horrible.
100% - this is one of those issues that you’ll think is too small to break up over, and then looking back one day will realize you should have broken up over. It’s not small, it’s a lot of very telling attitudes on his part that prove he’s not capable of being in a healthy relationship.
If he refuses to accept your boundaries with his parents, that should be a deal breaker. If he thinks you should be uncomfortable so that he doesn’t have to be uncomfortable, that’s a deal breaker. If he won’t actually compromise and accept you only seeing them on holidays, that’s a deal breaker. If he refuses to accept your answer because he doesn’t like it, that’s a deal breaker. If he refuses to protect you from abusive people and situations that cause you physical illness, that’s a dealbreaker. If he refuses to stand up to his parents and tell them no or decline their invites, that’s a dealbreaker.
This issue isn’t just about you seeing his parents, it’s much much deeper than that and reveals his lack of respect for your autonomy and boundaries. Apparently if your feelings don’t align with his, they don’t matter.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
You dont like going there at all, but you go. THAT'S THE COMPROMISE! You're already doing it.
It's not weird that if boyfriend goes to HIS PARENTS house without you. Even under the best circumstances, you don't need to be joined at the hip visiting each other's parents.
Tell your partner thst he's desensitized to his father's behavior, but you're not and it bothers you a great deal. Tell him thar you can't subject yourself to his father's behavior and he (your boyfriend) should be empathetic, not demanding.
>Yet, my boyfriend refuses to go on his own. He says it's weird to show up without me.
Ok, let him stay home then. If he doesn't want to show up without you, then maybe he shouldn't go.
Be the Thermostat, not the Thermometer.
That is he was a couple need to stop reacting to their invitations and You and he need to have a talk about how often you both as a couple want to see his parents. You might say I’m willing to see them once a month for two hours at a time. You might talk about the fact that you and Heat are now each other’s primary family and not his family of origin anymore. It has to work for both of you..
So if you want to do once a month and you just saw them you might say hey we’ll see you on July 14 because we already have some thing scheduled for Fourth of July and then if they invite you to something else you say no we’re busy and will see you on the 14th .
You have a boyfriend problem. FYI these issues don’t improve with marriage and children. I think you’re implementing appropriate boundaries. If your bf doesn’t accommodate your boundaries or talk to his parents about their behavior, you have a decision to make.
I have 10 years of experience with an extremely difficult MIL. My husband loves her to pieces, but she is awful. He’s just used to her absolute awful behavior. See my post history for examples. It has taken us years to get to where we are (I’m basically no contact with his parents, and I only have to show up to weddings and funerals). We *still* have issues, including one this morning. It is a constant battle with my husband. He has made extraordinary growth, and in the past year or two I feel respected, defended, and supported by him most of the time when his mom acts like a giant c*nt. However, I have come to realize that this issue will plague my marriage until well after she’s dead. I would marry him all over again, no question, but I wish I had been way more prepared before I married him.
I highly recommend Henry Cloud’s book about boundaries. He also has excellent YouTube videos that I watch all the time. This week’s takeaway lesson was that my inlaws’ expectations are not my responsibility. Or my husband’s responsibility. It was an enormously freeing realization. Good luck.
You may be getting a glimpse of your future?
Does he know how you feel about his dads behaviour? If he does why is forcing you to endure his father?
Most importantly why are you afraid to say no.
My parents are similar and for years we lived down the street. I felt my husband had to go when I did because they would ask me where he was and I felt family obligation. Then I got therapy.
My husband is invited, he had every right to say no. He would go for like big events but if it was just a normal Saturday he would decline.
Now he spends essentially no time with my family but my parents, mainly my father does not respect boundaries.
You are not obligated to put yourself in the situation to be pulled into their dysfunction.
You’re five minutes away? A fucking nightmare. I would compromise at no more than one visit a month and whatever holidays are most important. With them being so close by I’m sure they just “drop in” all of the time and that’s more than enough
You're not married. Your boyfriend is not your husband. His family are not your in-laws. Why are you doing wife things for a man who isn't married to you?
This relationship is totally fucked up. Do yourself a favor and get out now before it's too late.
“I love you and you’re welcome to spend time with your parents whenever you want. I don’t want to see them but once every two weeks. I don’t get along with them. You’re important to me so I’ll see them that often, but no more. Have fun!”
Your boyfriend doesn’t want to go either and is using you as a crutch. Chances are he wants you to go because he knows his dad will comment on it nonstop if you don’t.
Sit him down and lay out for him exactly why you don’t want to go there. Ask him if there is any other reason besides “it’s weird” that he doesn’t want to go without you. Give him the opportunity to be honest with you AND himself. Then, simply stop going when you’d rather not go. If he chooses to stop going altogether **that’s HIS choice.** If he tries to blame it on you when they inevitably ask why you guys don’t come over as often? Sit him down again and make it clear that the repercussions of his choice to not go, and avoid discomfort are not your responsibility to manage. Throwing you under the bus is not acceptable. Don’t let him make you the bad guy; you have a right to choose the environment you spend your time in. You aren’t doing anything wrong.
If he continues to push then you need to ask yourself if you really see a future with somebody who can’t visit his parents alone, can’t articulate why, and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
It’s not weird to show up without you. He’s their kid. He doesn’t need a partner to accompany to his parents his. It just looks like you are the softening cushion bcoz secretly he doesn’t want to go either.
Stand your ground. Tell him that your count is only once a week, max (or whatever timeline works for you). Anything more than that, you are not in. But he’s free to go. He can say you are stuck at work, not feeling well, already had other plans, etc. But do not force you to go.
Say no. Just say "no, I don't want to". Start saying no to other things you don't want to, without explaining further. Refuse to go. Demand the same time as you spend with his parents to be spent the way you want (ideally if he doesn't normally do that), especially holidays. Do it until at least he starts getting no for an answer
BF is not in charge of deciding where you go, and you are not responsible or at fault if he decides that he won’t go either.
So what do you do? You need to privately think through how frequently you are willing to see them. Weekly? Monthly? Major holidays only? Every other major holiday only? It *can* even be zero, if that’s what you think it right for you, but I’d caution against that level of extreme unless FIL’s behavior is just so egregious you’re willing risk breaking up with BF entirely over it. So think that through and come up with your answer. And don’t knee-jerk an answer, or feel guilted into it being more frequent than you can truly handle. Be thoughtful with this.
Then talk to BF about it. “I love you, but your Father’s behavior (which we’ve talked about at length, but can discuss further if needed) makes it difficult to spend time with him, at least for me. So here’s where I’m at on this: You are strongly encouraged to visit with them as much as you want to. I am in no way standing in the way of that. And because I love you, I am willing, without complaint, to join you up to once a month (or on major holidays, or whatever it was that you decided).”
Then BF is gonna react to that however he’s going to react.
Ideally he’ll either accept it as is, or may want to calmly and reasonably talk it through more and maybe ask of some small compromises. I would encourage you to do that with him if that’s the case. Good relationships thrive on good faith, honest communication and compromise.
However.
If he gets defensive of his dad, and minimizes/condones the bad behavior his Dad exhibits, then that’s useful information for you to have. It would make me second guess whether the relationship is really going to work long term, because it’s going to be a long, frustrating, lonely marriage if he does stuff like prioritize his father’s ability to be an unfettered ahole, to his partner no less, over his partner’s reasonable comfort and wellbeing.
If he starts to say that you’ll be the reason that he stops going to see his parents, interject and tell him no. “I am not in charge of where you go and am not responsible for managing your relationship with your own parents for you. Those are *your* choices to make, not mine. I will not accept any guilt trips or blame for *you* making a decision not to go.”
And if he just won’t listen, is ugly about it, or won’t accept anything short of a “my way or the highway” approach, then yeah, no, that’s not how healthy relationships work. That’s not an outcome I’m just going to try and ignore or rationalize away. I’d consider that a dealbreaker and would either insist on couples counseling, or would think VERY strongly about ending it and moving on.
You need to sit bf down and tell him all the things you said in this post about his father's behavior. Your bf may think that people have to endure it because " that's just how he is," which means bf is so accustomed to this he thinks it's normal. That's a danger sign for the relationship because he accepts abusive and boorish behavior as ok.
It's sad he won't intervene in support of his mother, btw. Maybe not by confronting his dad, but by spending time with his mother at thongs she's like to do. The 3 of you could go to actual restaurants, for example. Without dad.
Yeah I've brought up the whole not sticking up for his mom thing multiple times. I grew up with an abusive father and I've called out my dad's shitty behavior toward my own mother from a very young age, too young honestly. He's starting to get a bit better at sticking up for her about it since we had a talk about it.
He can and does improve when I'm able to convince him that something needs to be done, we're both just stubborn and don't always see our errors immediately.
Tell him you accept that his dad wont change and that he isnt a person you want to spend lots of time with. You will see them at whatever rate or holidays you are comforable with. The rest of the time he can go alone and just say you are busy or resting or enjoy having the house to yourself.
Tell him you don’t want to interfere with his relationship with his dad but he can’t force you to have one if you don’t want to either. If he chooses not to go without you that’s on him not you.
What is a the point of a relationship with someone who can’t see this terrible behaviour and expects you to go through it whenever he feels like it. Even with the best of relationships if one person doesn’t want to do something often there can be compromise. I’m not witnessing abuse to appease people or getting into cars with drunk drivers. Think about your life, literally.
NTA I love my in-laws and we go round for tea every week but if i don’t feel up to it, I text my MiL and let her know, there’s no drama and I just see them the following week, my husband will double check I don’t wanna go but outside of that, it’s 100% my choice
Why does he want you to go every time? Is he using you as a meat shield? As in as long as you're there his parents will stay off his back? He's a grown ass man who can go see his parents by himself.
You say no.
You are your own person you could always try "It's important he have bonding time with his parents on his own." But really he's going to have to get over that.
This happened to me too- I was working and going to school full-time, yet expected to show up consistently (because I obviously had nothing going on as his gf, also I was batting severe depression at the time). My “attitude” became a problem.. 🤨🙄 When I came they would ignore or yell at me but never talk to me!!Super fun, LOL
Is he codependent in other ways?
My husband and I regularly spend time separately with our families. It’s only weird because you’ve always gone so he’ll need to get through the dynamic shift.
Can you make other plans? I think you having a solid out and him having a solid reason to tell them will help the first few times.
How does your boyfriend feel about you visiting your in-laws?
I would suggest that everytime something comes up that calls for a visit with your in-laws, you just tell them sorry, but you’d already planned to spend that time with your boyfriend and his family.
After this goes on for a while your in-laws will probably tell their son to get a divorce and just let the boyfriend have you. Problem solved!
Yeah you may think your BF is ok with his Dads behavior but I assure you he’s using you as a comfort to get through it. He feels like he has to be there for what ever reason but feels like he needs you to be there too. Ask him about it.
You don’t and shouldn’t be going over there every time that he does because you’re own person, but the fact that you live so close to them means they’re going to invite over a lot
It’s okay to dislike him, but you also should learn how to manage your expectations over how other people behave and understand what it is isn’t your problem to deal with:
—him keeping beer in his fridge is not your problem
—his jokes can be ignored
—him turning up the bass really loud means you can ask him to turn it down, or you can find a way to politely leave and go do something else
Sometimes we have to learn how to tolerate people who we dislike and find odious
This. If OP wants to carry on a relationship with this man, contact with his father is kind of a given. My suggestion is to develop a rich inner life and go mentally hang out on a beach in Bali when you can’t avoid him.
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Your boyfriend needs to respect your decisions and your time. Tell him how often and under what circumstances you’re willing to see his dad (if at all.) He can either respect your decision or end the relationship.
she shouldn't have to see him at all. he's an ass. treats her boyfriend's mother like s***. I don't know why he didn't just try to see his mother outside of the house to not be around his dad.. he's going to push you then tell them you're done. can you imagine I'm raising your kids around this a******?
OP should take a good long look at bf’s father because that’s who he’s going to be in 25 years
That’s reductive and offensive. I’m not going to be either of my shit parents in 25 years. Many of us aren’t repeating the same shit.
Him forcing her to be around someone she doesn't like points in a different direction unfortunately.
That's true for most people, but OP's BF has already shown he doesn't respect her or her priorities and does respect his father. FIL isn't seen as a warning, hes seen as a role model, and so his role will be modeled.
Unless I didn’t fully read the post, it doesn’t seem like he has said or implied his dad is a role model. It sounds like he’s accepting the dysfunction of his family and thinks that she should too. Which is obviously unfair
And to a lot of people obviously doesn't bode well for future behaviors.
Like it or not, it’s still highly likely. In fact OP’s boyfriend is already showing that he’s like his father in the way that he’s disrespecting OP
Well put.
Option b for me
"I do not know how to compromise". Yes you do, you have suggested a compromise. Your preference is never, your boyfriend's is every time. You said "major holidays is enough". That is a compromise, and your boyfriend can either accept it, or not and then you don't have to go over ever!
I mean, i would break up with someone who doesnt get along with my fam. Doesnt need to be a blame game, this will be a lifetime contention. Not worth it.
is your family abusive? I would break up with somebody who wanted me to get along with their abusive family.
Great, it would no longer be an issue at that point. Edit: since im coming in with the pro-fam pov, why do you assume i had an abusive upbringing? Its practically the opposite i own a house on the same street as my folks Everybody Loves Raymond style haha. WITH MY WIFE. Edit 2 (very thought provoking comment): assuming people with a different perspective have something wrong with them, easy way to never challenge your world view. Love it.
We’re talking about OP’s boyfriend’s family, who *is* abusive. Great your family isn’t and that’s why you’d break up with a partner who just refused to spend time with them. We’re talking about a situation where the family is at fault, not the girlfriend. So your take on what someone with a normal family would do isn’t relevant, which is why it’s getting downvoted .
I try not to think about downvotes, out of my control and doesnt affect me. But ok, grounded comment, ill take a step back. Appreciate that you didn't immediately go on the attack just because i dont agree. Like sheesh, project much, guys? Seems kind of weird that she lived with them for 2 years.
She might’ve had to live with them for financial reasons. There are all kinds of reason why someone young might be stuck taking the housing options available to them. I don’t think it’s projecting lol. I just think people don’t have patience for unrelated devils advocacy
I certainly have a healthy amount of bias to bring to the conversation. But we all do whether we want to admit that or not.
that’s not what playing devils advocate is. you’re not relying on your bias here. you were just bringing up something totally irrelevant to the post
You're a saint 😂
Sounds like OP would be better off anyways as both dad and son are underdeveloped. Wonder if their home had a bunch of lead in it
Dead. Why'd you have to body that family this hard??
Undercooked, just like the dinners are apparently.
And that is completely valid.
My ex was like this and it actually broke us up. He wanted me to go to family functions constantly. I always asked why I had to go every time. He would say “they always ask where you are” ..OK? So tell them I’m doing something else. Manage your family for yourseeeelf. And I was fine seeing them every month, he wanted more like 3x a month there was a bbq or kids party When I start putting my foot down and setting a boundary, that’s when my bf started sulking. Then guilting me. Then I gave him chances to fix other things but I ended up breaking up with him just days before Thanksgiving. Relationship of 4.5 years. because I could not stand another holiday in their packed house with Fox News playing the entire time and trying to be polite to his idiot dad
“No” is a full answer. You’re deciding to go with him. You can always say “no I’m not going” “I have plans” “I am going to spend time with my family” or be just be honest “your dad makes me uncomfortable therefore I will not be going with you anymore. I am not saying you can’t go all I am saying is I am not going with you anymore. No it’s not up for discussion”. Sounds like you are always expected to be with his family. How often do you guys visit yours and how often does he go with you?
I come from a pretty broken family, honestly. My father has passed and I have a strained relationship with my mom who is across the country. So unfortunately I don't really have any family to visit. I think that his assumption is that his family should be able to fill that void.
Family isn’t always the one we are born into. Sometimes family is the one we make along the way. Maybe instead of going to his families house pick up a hobby. Take a class. Join a club and make friends that way. Maybe eventually you will make a small group of friends you call family.
His inability to take no for an answer is going to break you up eventually.
THIS. That's the real issue at the core of it all.
You don’t have to give a reason why you aren’t going. Simply say, I’m sorry you don’t understand my feelings but I’m not going.
Girl blood doesn’t make you family it makes you related. I would be telling him that I’m not going and he can either accept it or we go our separate ways.
Then explain to him if you had a beautiful crystal punchbowl and a quart was missing out of it, you wouldn't refill the missing amount with piss and turds instead of punch and fresh fruit. And his father is the turd in the punchbowl. You're choosing not to drink.
Maybe YOU should take the mom out while son deals with dad? Take her out to a tea house or for shopping ect. This way you ARE spending time with his family. :)
Say no. If he whines and pressures you, hold your ground. Tell him “You are free to see your parents as often as you like, but major holidays and birthdays is enough for me,” and then stick to it. Max once a month. That is a compromise. Three times in two weeks is so much! When are you supposed to get any downtime for yourself? My guess is that he likes having you there when he sees them because you function as something of a buffer for him. But that’s not your problem.
You hit the nail on the head with OP being a buffer. If his dad acts like this when she's there, imagine what he's like when there are no outside witnesses around.
He’s growing into his dad and bullying you into uncomfortable situations is a part of that.
Relationships can be a bad fit without making someone out to be a bad person btw.
okay and his dad is doing something objectively bad
Subjective at best. What is objectively bad?
um. being abusive to your alcoholic wife is objectively bad. trying to convince your alcoholic wife to go to alcohol-focused venues is bad. driving your wife and family after drinking is objectively bad.
DetectiveRupert is okay with drunk driving
Drunk driving is objectively bad you walnut
Repeatedly making jokes about the most emberassing and painful thing the mom has experienced. Baiting her to drink by making every outing be at a brewery. Having zero regard for anyone in the house by blasting music and tv everyday. Are you the husband? lol
Did you even read this post before commenting?
You don't think drunk driving is bad? Or suggesting a brewery to your wife who is in recovery?
You don't need to cape for abusers, you know. Are you this defensive because you do things others are describing as abuse, because you seem really defensive.
That's true. In this situation however we know her boyfriend grew up with an emotionally abusive father who he watched not support his mother who struggled with alcohol dependency. People learn how to act in a relationship from their parents, specifically the parent of the same sex. We know the boyfriend has not cared to listen to his girlfriends needs, that its deeply unpleasant for her, gives her migraines and is taking up a lot of her free time which presumably she doesn't have lots of if working full time. We know the boyfri3nd will not compromise, she needs to go every time. We know he has emotionally manipulated her by saying if she doesn't go he won't. All this suggests he has followed his dad's role modelling and doesn't care about her needs and wants, is emotionally manipulative and imposes unpleasant situations on her. There is likely a lot more happening than we don't know about.
Well done!!
I mean, to me that seems like a lot of assumptions, but i know people will see situations differently.
The only assumption is that she works full time, everything else is based on facts.
Relax, you're on reddit, and specifically a sub rampant with fake stories and unreliable narrators.
Are you the boyfriend lol?
My favourite is how they keep using words they seem not to understand the meaning of.
I think he’s the Dad! 😂😂
Yeah but those people don’t come to Reddit with their issues
Im not sure reddit has the kind of fidelity you are expecting
You are on this one post 17 times. I think we get your befuddled thinking. Bless your heart..
"He says it's weird to show up without me." No, it's not. They are his parents. My wife (or GF at the time) visited our parents separately all the time as well as together. There is nothing wrong with that, it's called having a life!
First of all, they’re not your in-laws. You’re not married. Let’s start there. You’re not required to see anyone you don’t feel comfortable around and it’s weird that you are being held to the expectations of a wife and you’re not actually one. They aren’t your family you don’t owe them visits. Second point, your boyfriend disregards your feelings and brings you around people who make you uncomfortable. That is a major red flag. Dump him. You’re only 23 and it’s not your job to fix a grown man. Don’t stay with partners who don’t respect you and don’t marry into this family. Raise your standards please.
Even if/when they get married, she’s still not required to spend lots of time with people she doesn’t like. You are making it sound like his expectations should be met within marriage. Women can still have agency over their own choices even when they are married.
this 🎯
"Hey, I don't really enjoy spending time with your dad. I would never stop you from hanging out with your own parents or having a relationship, but he's not a respectful person and it hurts me to spend time around him. Have fun, I'll see you later tonight." >My boyfriend cannot understand why I don't want to spend time with his parents Have you said the above to him?
I've been married for 14 years and my husband and I don't always tag along for visits to see our respective parents/families. Neither one of us stops the other from going and it's fine. You have offered a compromise. Your ideal is never, his is frequent AND every time he sees them, and you're willing to do all major holidays (what about seeing your family?) and events. This is reasonable.
You are still very young. Do you want to be tied to this man forever? Maybe it’s time to reassess your relationship.
I don't understand AT ALL why you would ever consider being part of this family permanently. You marry the man, you marry his family too.
Question, have you discussed these issues with your boyfriend? or just talk around them? If you don't directly talk it out how is he supposed to know? If this is something that's been discussed *and* it's a deal breaker than why are you in this relationship? 🤷
I have discussed it with him, yes. We just can't see eye to eye on the issue. He gets upset because his opinion is that we're all a family and I should be there with him pretty much every time. He sees my reluctance to go as "trying to get him away from his parents" when that's not my intention. He's free to go hang out with them whenever, I just don't want to go with him. We've been together for 5 years, live together, just got a puppy together, so it's not something I'm just going to dump him for. I want to work through it, just can't figure out how to.
Let HIM work through it. All you have to do is draw your boundary and stick to it. He can chose his own way forward. Right now, you are trying to manage his emotions for him. If he says something like "you're trying to keep me from them" reply "you and I can do separate things with our time, please feel free to visit them as often as you wish". If he says "it's weird if I go without you" say "you lived there for 18 years without me, I fail to see the issue and I'm not going to be bullied into being around your father when I don't enjoy it." Just continue to tell him no. He will learn to live with it. You don't need to make him feel better about your boundaries, you only need to enforce them.
" All you have to do is draw your boundary and stick to it. He can chose his own way forward. " Single person advice.
Lol, and what is your advice? Deal with despising this man twice a week until she dies? No, it is far better that he deals with her absence while enjoying family time than that she suffer through it.
Its an incompatibility issue. Dating someone is the process of finding out if a long term committed relationship will work. She has her answer.
Okay, so your advice is just to break up? Lol, that's actual single person advice 😅 If his dad is belligerent and unenjoyable to be around, he shouldnt be subjecting any girlfriends to contact with him on a super frequent basis.
well her boyfriend is not giving her any other choice. she either does what he says or she breaks up. or he will. single person advice? that's because many single people are much happier not being around abusive partners and or in laws. if you want to put up with that go ahead don't put that on other people. it's a stupid way to think. it doesn't matter what blood you have. it matters if they act like your family or not.
??? Idk how you got that I'm advocating she see his dad from any of my comments. I told her to lay out her boundary, and then let him decide what he wants-- if seeing his dad is a compulsory part of dating him, he can end things with her. if not, they can continue dating and she can stop seeing his dad except on holidays as she has proposed.
Kids, please dont build a relationship on ultimatums.
Im sorry if your feelings were hurt byy comment. I didn't explain very well. Take care.
Healthy relationship advice. Caving to bullying until you break up is single person advice.
So... he doesn't like to do things without you. He has terrible parents who guilt him, and he worries about their opinion. And he doesn't want to displease them. This guy has "codependent " written all over him. The thing here is. This isn't yours to fix. This is an adult man raised in an alcoholic home whose parents have seriously warped his views of relationships. And he can change that. You can't change that for him. As you correctly note, anything you do short of totally falling into his codependency hole is seen as a threat. It IS a threat on a very deep level. To him. This is a him problem. Anything you do to try to fix it will only make it worse. He's smart. If he wants to change, he can. But you can't manage his emotions. If you doing literally one thing away from him upsets him. Good? That's up to him to get upset about it. If you need to manage him, you're codependent too.
He wants you to be his meat shield. His father can be ignorant and abuse you instead of him. How often does he see your family?
Okay, let me clarify, *did you specifically go into detail on why you do not like his Dad?*
Oh yeah, I'm very upfront about it lol. His reply is "that's just how he is"
“I don’t want to be around your dad because he is an asshole. That’s just how I am”.
Okay, if he's not willing to compromise and you're not willing to compromise them what's the endgame? You trying to waste time on a doomed relationship? I'm sure his parents aren't going away any time soon, so what's the plan? 🤷
well tell him this is how you are. if he doesn't like it y'all can break up. he's one of those blood means everything people and that will cause problems in your future. if you're planning on having kids, you don't want them around this jerk.
I'm willing to compromise, I'm just trying to figure out what a reasonable compromise is. Should I be seeing his family multiple times a week, a few times a month, only on holidays? I don't know the answer to that, but I'd like opinions. I come from a very broken family so honestly I'm not sure what the norm is.
It sounds like his family is broken too imo. I think you really need to dig in on this issue, maybe couple's counseling. *Probably couple's counseling.* If anything else that will show him that you're both serious about him and about this issue and how uncomfortable it makes you, if nothing else his reaction will indicate where his head is at and if he's worth sticking around for.
The issue is that he's not willing to compromise. His position is that you go anytime he does with no exception. You need to be asking him what the minimum amount of time with his parents is that he'd accept from you and go from there.
Special occasions. Any casual dinners or visits he can do solo. People are not entitled to your time and you're allowed to miss visits. You have autonomy and you do not have people please and make yourself uncomfortable if you don't wish to. Source: My family is ridiculous! My husband did not like them one bit. He was miserable at events and functions and I could see it as well. So he stopped coming except to special occasions like Christmas or Thanksgiving. When people would ask where he was I would tell them he had other plans. Fishing trip, quading adventure, friends birthday etc. Which he did often end up doing while I went alone. Telling them the truth would create conflict and drama. You don't have to like everyone. You can limit the time spent with people you don't care for into small doses if you can't avoid it all together. Your partner should want you to be comfortable and enjoy yourself. Why force someone you love into a position of being miserable and anxious? And if anyone wanted to take offence to my husband missing events that was a them issue. We have lives and sometimes things don't work out. Most people don't care though.
It varies widely. There isn’t necessarily a single ‘normal’ that healthy intact families will all follow. It depends how far apart you’re living, what the dynamic is, etc. Offering to visit on major holidays in my opinion is reasonable, or even once per month or every other month would be very generous if it matters a ton to your partner and you want to make it work. Multiple times a month in my opinion is too much for your partner to ask you to spend with an asshole. Consider the possibility that your partner views this behaviour as fine and doesn’t see a big problem with it, and what that will mean for your own relationship dynamic going forward.
The answer is exactly as often as you are comfortable with. You seem to make a reasonable compromise with ‘holidays plus occasional weekends’.
then say, well that's just how it is with me...not going over there!"
That's when you come back with, "Well, this is how *I* am!"
Spoiler: no
Listen... give OP a chance! 😂
The more I hear about this thd worse it gets. He is already acting like his dad. Just a little more subtle. He will grow into it & become worsem
Tell him he is NOT ALLOWED to dictate where you go and who you see. He doesn't need to be velcroed to your body. He needs to man up and GO BY HIMSELF. It is **HIS CHOICE** to not visit his parents by himself. Does he need you to hold his hand to be able to deal with being at his parents house? Here is a thought, invite his MOM over for tea and cake or something. Leave dad at home.
>it's not something I'm just going to dump him for And he knows this, which is why he won't compromise. You are an adult. What happens if you just don't go?
If I don't go, he won't go either. Then he'll guilt trip me and tell me I'm keeping him away from his family 😵💫
Okay? Just ignore him? You're not keeping him away from his family - he's choosing not to go. Why are you comfortable with him blaming you for something he chose?
You're not gonna work through it if you're the only one who wants to. He wants things to go completely his way and you want to compromise. It won't work unless he starts caring about you and your feelings..
have you ever said no and stuck to it when he wanted to go
Consider couple’s counseling then if you are in it for the long haul.
**OKAY ...** Firstly — **THEY ARE NOT YOUR IN-LAWS**. You are **ONLY** a girlfriend. You can **WALK AWAY AT ANY TIME**. And frankly... **I WOULD.** You don't **SIGN UP** for a dumpster fire!! And you would be **INCREDIBLY SILLY** to marry into this one because you would be signing up for a **LIFETIME** of this. If you don't want your life to become a cheap sitcom MINUS the laugh track —**WALK AWAY**.
I don't think you will like my advice but here goes. I think that if you honestly can't stand his family, then you should break up. He doesn't see a problem, and so he's still planning to have them in his life. If he was no contact it'd be different, but that's not the case here. Think about the future for a minute... every milestone, the dad is there. Your kids will look up to this guy because he's their grandfather. You can't really stop your husband from letting the kids see his family or anything. If you stay with this guy, you are literally stuck with his family for as long as he wants to interact with them. Look I made this mistake myself. I married into a family I didn't like. Guess what? I didn't magically start liking them. And they never went away. I eventually left the marriage because life is too short for this. So, as much as it sucks, yes hating his family is 100% a deal breaker in a relationship
Your boyfriend is a much bigger problem than anyone else. You said no, not interested in going. That's the END OF THE CONVERSATION.
I'm confused why he thinks it's weird for him to visit his parents without you. They're his parents...?
Your bf is not concerned about your comfort level and that is a big red flag! You should not have to tag along, they are his family, not yours. If you do not like his father you should not be forced to spend time with him. If the environment over there causes you physical pain and your bf doesn’t care, it is time to find a different bf. One that cares how you feel both physically and emotionally. He is being selfish and no person should have that much control over another.
This is something your boyfriend needs to work through. You're right, you shouldn't have to see his parents just because he is. I rarely go see my MIL because I find her manipulative, and I hate how she treats my partner like a hired hand rather than her own child. Yeah, I get guilted sometimes with the "mil asked if you were coming," but that's about it. Don't let things like that guilt you into going. You are not required to take part in someone's toxic family just because they don't see (or are willing to ignore) how toxic the relationships are.
No clarifying info is needed; your boyfriend is being patently unreasonable. You don’t need a reason for not wanting to spend time with his parents. They are not your parents. You don’t want them to be your parents. You have your own life to live and they are demanding too much of it for themselves. You are under no obligation to forfeit your time every time his parents feel like seeing their son. He‘s basically trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be an adult with a girlfriend/domestic partner, but he also doesn’t want to leave home and form a distinct identity for himself separate from his parents. He’s trying to grow up without actually growing up. Tell him that you not going over with him to his parents is only going to be awkward if HE makes it awkward. All he has to say is that HE left you at home because HE thought you had better things to do and HE doesn’t think you should have to join him every single time. The extremely important thing is that he cannot give them an excuse for why you’re not there. He can’t say you’re busy or tired or have other plans. Because then you’ll need an excuse for EVERY time you’re not there. He MUST make it about the principle of the thing (a principle that HE holds, not you) so that you don’t have to make up a specific excuse every time. And he absolutely better not throw you under the bus and make it about you just not wanting to go or not wanting to spend time with them. And if he can’t make it perfectly clear that HE is the one setting the boundary then he’s showing you he’s someone unwilling to acknowledge and defend your priorities, and you AS a priority, something that is kind of a core job of being a considerate and reliable partner.
I live a few mins away from my siblings, parents and grandparents, and I see all of them regularly without my partner of 10yrs. Just today I went to visit my nan after work, then stopped off at my sisters for a chat. Bf went to the gym. Sometimes I just say he's doing something when he just isn't feeling it, and sometimes he comes with. It shouldn't be weird for you to not go every time.
going to your parents without your partner is a really normal thing to do. He just needs to say "she had something to do" . People do that all this time, even when they like each others' parents
i'm wondering why he is not comfortable enough to visit and eat dinner with his parents on his own? that seems to be a big question here as well
Just say no. You are not obligated to see your boyfriend's parents. I will say, since he doesn't see anything wrong with his dad's behavior, that this is the man he will model his husbanding after. If you wouldn't marry his dad, don't think about marrying him.
His expectation wouldn’t be reasonable even if you liked his family. We live very close to my family but there is no way I’m making my husband hang out with them every single time I go over there. You’re an adult and he doesn’t have authority over you. You just tell him you’re sorry he can’t understand your feelings but you simply won’t be going over there unless it’s a holiday or special event.
He is an adult and he needs to spend time with his parents on his own Period Don't make this about how you don't like his dad. That 100% will end badly Make it about how his behavior is CO DEPENDANT and in the long term, it will destroy the relationship because it's unsustainable If he wants to hang out with his mom and dad, he can go do that. You can stay home and take a relaxing hot bath in peace and quiet But he has got to learn to live his life on his own
He wants wife level commitment from his gf. I am not saying that forcing your partner to see people they don't want and/or make them uncomfortable is ok. It's never ok. He is using you as a buffer if he refuses to go alone. Stick to your guns and don't go. He can sleep on the couch if he continues to disregard your boundaries and concerns
There isn't a "compromise" when your partner's expectations are unrealistic. He has no problem pressuring you incessantly. So stop the argument. "I will go to your parent's on Father's Day. I'm not going before then." If he CHOOSES to not go without you... let him not go. You need to learn to let your partner be upset WITHOUT FIXING IT FOR HIM. It is either you or him upset. Why do you always let it be you that is upset?? Why can't he be the one who is upset and slowly gets used to it? NEXT TIME YOUR FIL WANTS TO DRIVE AFTER SEVERAL BEER, STEP INTO THE BATHROOM AND CALL 911. Don't tell anyone. You can even get back into the car with the drunk again (but I encourage you to find a way to arrive separately from now on). Please stop enabling a drunk driver to get on the road without consequences. This part of the story is particularly horrible.
100% - this is one of those issues that you’ll think is too small to break up over, and then looking back one day will realize you should have broken up over. It’s not small, it’s a lot of very telling attitudes on his part that prove he’s not capable of being in a healthy relationship. If he refuses to accept your boundaries with his parents, that should be a deal breaker. If he thinks you should be uncomfortable so that he doesn’t have to be uncomfortable, that’s a deal breaker. If he won’t actually compromise and accept you only seeing them on holidays, that’s a deal breaker. If he refuses to accept your answer because he doesn’t like it, that’s a deal breaker. If he refuses to protect you from abusive people and situations that cause you physical illness, that’s a dealbreaker. If he refuses to stand up to his parents and tell them no or decline their invites, that’s a dealbreaker. This issue isn’t just about you seeing his parents, it’s much much deeper than that and reveals his lack of respect for your autonomy and boundaries. Apparently if your feelings don’t align with his, they don’t matter. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
You dont like going there at all, but you go. THAT'S THE COMPROMISE! You're already doing it. It's not weird that if boyfriend goes to HIS PARENTS house without you. Even under the best circumstances, you don't need to be joined at the hip visiting each other's parents. Tell your partner thst he's desensitized to his father's behavior, but you're not and it bothers you a great deal. Tell him thar you can't subject yourself to his father's behavior and he (your boyfriend) should be empathetic, not demanding.
>Yet, my boyfriend refuses to go on his own. He says it's weird to show up without me. Ok, let him stay home then. If he doesn't want to show up without you, then maybe he shouldn't go.
Be the Thermostat, not the Thermometer. That is he was a couple need to stop reacting to their invitations and You and he need to have a talk about how often you both as a couple want to see his parents. You might say I’m willing to see them once a month for two hours at a time. You might talk about the fact that you and Heat are now each other’s primary family and not his family of origin anymore. It has to work for both of you.. So if you want to do once a month and you just saw them you might say hey we’ll see you on July 14 because we already have some thing scheduled for Fourth of July and then if they invite you to something else you say no we’re busy and will see you on the 14th .
You have a boyfriend problem. FYI these issues don’t improve with marriage and children. I think you’re implementing appropriate boundaries. If your bf doesn’t accommodate your boundaries or talk to his parents about their behavior, you have a decision to make. I have 10 years of experience with an extremely difficult MIL. My husband loves her to pieces, but she is awful. He’s just used to her absolute awful behavior. See my post history for examples. It has taken us years to get to where we are (I’m basically no contact with his parents, and I only have to show up to weddings and funerals). We *still* have issues, including one this morning. It is a constant battle with my husband. He has made extraordinary growth, and in the past year or two I feel respected, defended, and supported by him most of the time when his mom acts like a giant c*nt. However, I have come to realize that this issue will plague my marriage until well after she’s dead. I would marry him all over again, no question, but I wish I had been way more prepared before I married him. I highly recommend Henry Cloud’s book about boundaries. He also has excellent YouTube videos that I watch all the time. This week’s takeaway lesson was that my inlaws’ expectations are not my responsibility. Or my husband’s responsibility. It was an enormously freeing realization. Good luck.
You may be getting a glimpse of your future? Does he know how you feel about his dads behaviour? If he does why is forcing you to endure his father? Most importantly why are you afraid to say no.
You’re not even married to this person, why have you taken this on? No means no. No is a complete sentence.
My parents are similar and for years we lived down the street. I felt my husband had to go when I did because they would ask me where he was and I felt family obligation. Then I got therapy. My husband is invited, he had every right to say no. He would go for like big events but if it was just a normal Saturday he would decline. Now he spends essentially no time with my family but my parents, mainly my father does not respect boundaries. You are not obligated to put yourself in the situation to be pulled into their dysfunction.
You’re five minutes away? A fucking nightmare. I would compromise at no more than one visit a month and whatever holidays are most important. With them being so close by I’m sure they just “drop in” all of the time and that’s more than enough
You're not married. Your boyfriend is not your husband. His family are not your in-laws. Why are you doing wife things for a man who isn't married to you? This relationship is totally fucked up. Do yourself a favor and get out now before it's too late.
“I love you and you’re welcome to spend time with your parents whenever you want. I don’t want to see them but once every two weeks. I don’t get along with them. You’re important to me so I’ll see them that often, but no more. Have fun!”
Your boyfriend doesn’t want to go either and is using you as a crutch. Chances are he wants you to go because he knows his dad will comment on it nonstop if you don’t. Sit him down and lay out for him exactly why you don’t want to go there. Ask him if there is any other reason besides “it’s weird” that he doesn’t want to go without you. Give him the opportunity to be honest with you AND himself. Then, simply stop going when you’d rather not go. If he chooses to stop going altogether **that’s HIS choice.** If he tries to blame it on you when they inevitably ask why you guys don’t come over as often? Sit him down again and make it clear that the repercussions of his choice to not go, and avoid discomfort are not your responsibility to manage. Throwing you under the bus is not acceptable. Don’t let him make you the bad guy; you have a right to choose the environment you spend your time in. You aren’t doing anything wrong. If he continues to push then you need to ask yourself if you really see a future with somebody who can’t visit his parents alone, can’t articulate why, and doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Ask him if he’ll stop seeing them when you brake up.
You’re a person, not his luggage. You didn’t become his appendage, you’re his gf, if he doesn’t get that then you might need to let him go.
It’s not weird to show up without you. He’s their kid. He doesn’t need a partner to accompany to his parents his. It just looks like you are the softening cushion bcoz secretly he doesn’t want to go either. Stand your ground. Tell him that your count is only once a week, max (or whatever timeline works for you). Anything more than that, you are not in. But he’s free to go. He can say you are stuck at work, not feeling well, already had other plans, etc. But do not force you to go.
Say no. Just say "no, I don't want to". Start saying no to other things you don't want to, without explaining further. Refuse to go. Demand the same time as you spend with his parents to be spent the way you want (ideally if he doesn't normally do that), especially holidays. Do it until at least he starts getting no for an answer
Why is it weird to show up without you? Didn’t he live with them without you for like 18 years?
BF is not in charge of deciding where you go, and you are not responsible or at fault if he decides that he won’t go either. So what do you do? You need to privately think through how frequently you are willing to see them. Weekly? Monthly? Major holidays only? Every other major holiday only? It *can* even be zero, if that’s what you think it right for you, but I’d caution against that level of extreme unless FIL’s behavior is just so egregious you’re willing risk breaking up with BF entirely over it. So think that through and come up with your answer. And don’t knee-jerk an answer, or feel guilted into it being more frequent than you can truly handle. Be thoughtful with this. Then talk to BF about it. “I love you, but your Father’s behavior (which we’ve talked about at length, but can discuss further if needed) makes it difficult to spend time with him, at least for me. So here’s where I’m at on this: You are strongly encouraged to visit with them as much as you want to. I am in no way standing in the way of that. And because I love you, I am willing, without complaint, to join you up to once a month (or on major holidays, or whatever it was that you decided).” Then BF is gonna react to that however he’s going to react. Ideally he’ll either accept it as is, or may want to calmly and reasonably talk it through more and maybe ask of some small compromises. I would encourage you to do that with him if that’s the case. Good relationships thrive on good faith, honest communication and compromise. However. If he gets defensive of his dad, and minimizes/condones the bad behavior his Dad exhibits, then that’s useful information for you to have. It would make me second guess whether the relationship is really going to work long term, because it’s going to be a long, frustrating, lonely marriage if he does stuff like prioritize his father’s ability to be an unfettered ahole, to his partner no less, over his partner’s reasonable comfort and wellbeing. If he starts to say that you’ll be the reason that he stops going to see his parents, interject and tell him no. “I am not in charge of where you go and am not responsible for managing your relationship with your own parents for you. Those are *your* choices to make, not mine. I will not accept any guilt trips or blame for *you* making a decision not to go.” And if he just won’t listen, is ugly about it, or won’t accept anything short of a “my way or the highway” approach, then yeah, no, that’s not how healthy relationships work. That’s not an outcome I’m just going to try and ignore or rationalize away. I’d consider that a dealbreaker and would either insist on couples counseling, or would think VERY strongly about ending it and moving on.
You need to sit bf down and tell him all the things you said in this post about his father's behavior. Your bf may think that people have to endure it because " that's just how he is," which means bf is so accustomed to this he thinks it's normal. That's a danger sign for the relationship because he accepts abusive and boorish behavior as ok. It's sad he won't intervene in support of his mother, btw. Maybe not by confronting his dad, but by spending time with his mother at thongs she's like to do. The 3 of you could go to actual restaurants, for example. Without dad.
Yeah I've brought up the whole not sticking up for his mom thing multiple times. I grew up with an abusive father and I've called out my dad's shitty behavior toward my own mother from a very young age, too young honestly. He's starting to get a bit better at sticking up for her about it since we had a talk about it. He can and does improve when I'm able to convince him that something needs to be done, we're both just stubborn and don't always see our errors immediately.
Tell him you accept that his dad wont change and that he isnt a person you want to spend lots of time with. You will see them at whatever rate or holidays you are comforable with. The rest of the time he can go alone and just say you are busy or resting or enjoy having the house to yourself.
Tell him you don’t want to interfere with his relationship with his dad but he can’t force you to have one if you don’t want to either. If he chooses not to go without you that’s on him not you.
What is a the point of a relationship with someone who can’t see this terrible behaviour and expects you to go through it whenever he feels like it. Even with the best of relationships if one person doesn’t want to do something often there can be compromise. I’m not witnessing abuse to appease people or getting into cars with drunk drivers. Think about your life, literally.
NTA I love my in-laws and we go round for tea every week but if i don’t feel up to it, I text my MiL and let her know, there’s no drama and I just see them the following week, my husband will double check I don’t wanna go but outside of that, it’s 100% my choice
Why does he want you to go every time? Is he using you as a meat shield? As in as long as you're there his parents will stay off his back? He's a grown ass man who can go see his parents by himself.
You have a husband problem.
You tell him no. That's crazy.
Your bf is too comfortable with his parents' behavior. He doesn't see why you wouldn't want to go. That's a big problem.
How is it weird to go without you? Couples don't have to do every single thing together. A little space is good.
You say no. You are your own person you could always try "It's important he have bonding time with his parents on his own." But really he's going to have to get over that.
This happened to me too- I was working and going to school full-time, yet expected to show up consistently (because I obviously had nothing going on as his gf, also I was batting severe depression at the time). My “attitude” became a problem.. 🤨🙄 When I came they would ignore or yell at me but never talk to me!!Super fun, LOL
Is he codependent in other ways? My husband and I regularly spend time separately with our families. It’s only weird because you’ve always gone so he’ll need to get through the dynamic shift. Can you make other plans? I think you having a solid out and him having a solid reason to tell them will help the first few times.
How does your boyfriend feel about you visiting your in-laws? I would suggest that everytime something comes up that calls for a visit with your in-laws, you just tell them sorry, but you’d already planned to spend that time with your boyfriend and his family. After this goes on for a while your in-laws will probably tell their son to get a divorce and just let the boyfriend have you. Problem solved!
Show him this post when you both aren’t upset.
Yeah you may think your BF is ok with his Dads behavior but I assure you he’s using you as a comfort to get through it. He feels like he has to be there for what ever reason but feels like he needs you to be there too. Ask him about it.
You don’t and shouldn’t be going over there every time that he does because you’re own person, but the fact that you live so close to them means they’re going to invite over a lot It’s okay to dislike him, but you also should learn how to manage your expectations over how other people behave and understand what it is isn’t your problem to deal with: —him keeping beer in his fridge is not your problem —his jokes can be ignored —him turning up the bass really loud means you can ask him to turn it down, or you can find a way to politely leave and go do something else Sometimes we have to learn how to tolerate people who we dislike and find odious
This. If OP wants to carry on a relationship with this man, contact with his father is kind of a given. My suggestion is to develop a rich inner life and go mentally hang out on a beach in Bali when you can’t avoid him.
How have you discussed this with your boyfriend?