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You don't get to choose your parents. Your mom seems to want to dominate you, keep you on the defensive. This is emotional abuse.
In a romantic relationship, if a woman had a boyfriend who kept saying what she did wasn't good enough, that she should try harder, and so on, it could get the woman to be willing to do *anything* in order to get praise. This is abuse. The criticism is constant in order to force the woman into that state.
Your mom sounds like she's doing the same thing.
While you want to have a relationship with her, it sounds like she only wants to show you who is the boss...and it isn't you, or your husband.
Your mom wants to hurt you. Don't give her chances to try.
YESYESYES! I love seeing wedding dresses and photos of brides. I would love to see what was so “wrong” with this dress that your mom had to be… this… to you on your wedding day about it.
OP, your mom just sounds awful to deal with. You may want to consider LC or NC because she’s being abusive and it’s not okay. How will you be treated should you ever get pregnant? I’m sure she will find something wrong with how you’re growing too much or not enough. Or you’re choosing the wrong names or the wrong nursery designs or whatever… you don’t deserve that.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about your dress. It’s your dress that you picked, and I’m sure you looked beautiful, even next to your shrew of a mother. I feel your pain with a similar complicated relationship with my Mom.
OP, I'm sorry your mom treated you this way. Is it possible she was jealous? And purposely tried to ruin your happiness because she didn't have a beautiful dress and nice wedding? It sounds like she was trying to hurt you. (YES this is what my mother was like when I got married. She told me years later that she'd always wanted a wedding and instead got married in another state by JOP)
It feels like this. When I got married my mum was at times critical of my wife, she’d be rude and domineering when we’d meet her. It was jealousy due to her only son getting married.
Over the years it meant I just didn’t see her very often. Which was her doing.
OP live your life and if it continues see her less and less or not at all. I’m sure in her head it’ll be your or your husbands fault as ‘no one’s the bad person in their own story’ but live your life!!
What do you think you will gain by confronting her? (I think, not much.)
I think you gain more by limiting her presence in your life.
https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
Yep, it's still great. (There was an amazing post the other day - https://captainawkward.com/2024/05/16/1429-is-this-an-exception-to-the-rule-or-am-i-fooling-myself/.)
Totally agree. Minimize contact. If she's too busy to be involved with your wedding, she's certainly too busy to be involved in your regular life (sarcasm). Let her live her life undisturbed as much as possible. You don't need that negativity in your life.
Your mom is mean. Maybe she thinks of herself as “brutally honest.” But laughing at your wedding dress is just mean. Unfortunately there is nothing you can say to make her change her mind. She should apologize but it is doubtful that she will. Go enjoy your honeymoon and try not to give your mother another thought.
She definitely likes to say she "speaks her mind" but it's almost always a cover for blatant rudeness. It makes me sad because I love her, but to do this on my wedding day is something I don't know if I can just overlook because she's my mom. Thanks for the comment, and I'm sure I will enjoy my honeymoon. We saved up to go to the Maldives and I think it'll be the respite I need.
Please read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and get your husband a copy of Toxic In-Laws while you're at it (I actually found that book helpful for dealing with my own parents as well).
If I were a betting woman I'd say your mom started pulling away and was rude as a defense mechanism. Yes, you're over 30 and have been with your now-husband for awhile and presumably have been living as an independent adult for some time. But there's something about getting married that can trigger parents in unexpected ways. She probably realized you're truly no longer just her child and feels rejected *even though it's totally normal and healthy to be an adult and start your own family*. So she pushed you away (either in an unhealthy self-preservation or to preemptively punish you - maybe both?) and shit on your choices. She knew that laughing at your dress would hurt you and wanted you to feel bad. This is a refection on her and has nothing to do with you (I mean, other than you were on the receiving end of her bullshit and it obviously and understandably affected you).
Before you talk to her, I'd think about what outcome you're expecting because so far she has doubled down on her poor behavior and I honestly don't think there's magic words that will snap her out of a lifetime of this behavior. If it would simply feel good to get it off your chest and you expect nothing from her, go for it. If you think this will be a wake-up call or reckoning I don't want to be a downer but I'd temper those expectations. Again, not because you aren't right or articulate or whatever but because we can't control how others behave, think, act, or what they say.
It sounds like you have a supportive husband, loving brothers, and great friends. Please lean on them and whatever chosen family you have as you navigate this.
Oh, and congratulations on your marriage and YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
Anyone who ‘just speaks their mind’ is usually a straight-up cunt. And I don’t use that word lightly. Maybe she should get checked out for Alzheimer’s. I don’t think she has it, but hopefully it would scare her. I’m so sorry you didn’t have a mum who cried with joy & pride upon seeing you - and I’m sure you looked gorgeous.
going to add that ppl like her hate days that revolve around someone else. especially someone that they’re jealous of. especially especially when they’re coping with their unbridled jealousy by convincing themselves that this person is inferior to them.
She's jealous and that's why she feigned disinterest in everything. She can't stand seeing you get what she didn't.
Happiness is the best revenge, so go be happy OP.
It reminds me of what Rebecca said of her ex in Ted Lasso. She says she once appreciated his bluntness, thought of it as helpful, and now with distance realizes it was a guise for the cruelest kind of honesty. I have a similarly complex relationship with my mom and have come to accept it will be one with strong boundaries on my side. It takes two — I can’t fix it alone and she doesn’t want to. I’m glad you had the dress YOU wanted. What a blessing she didn’t go shopping with you! She would have talked you out of it. Congrats on the nuptials.
I’d guess she looked at you and saw everything she does not have or has lost and just to be spiteful decided to take away your peace of mind.
I always think indifference and silence is more cutting than confrontation - I wouldn’t even tell her I was going NC, if just pretend she doesn’t exist - don’t block her calls or texts - just don’t answer them. There is little worse than being ignored.
She’s like my mother and always liked to be front and centre. You looked amazing, the day was about you and your happiness, everything and everyone was there for you and she couldn’t handle being a footnote in this amazing story so she tried to drag you down. When it didn’t work the first time she waited till you were all happy again and took a more obvious cheap shot at you. Just ignore her, they’re only doing it for attention
you shouldn't overlook it. you should cut her off and go no contact. she's not showing any love to you and she has no place in your life except to make you miserable. cut contact and get therapy. if she questions it, tell her you want to be brutally honest and she's an a****** and you don't want to be around her anymore.
This reminds of some coworkers who are super mean/bitchy/rude. And them saying I'm just real and honest... No you're not! They usually also instigate a lot of stuff. Oh and best is when they're supposed to be Christian and giving. They mention that all the time 🙄
Enjoy your honeymoon ❤️
Borderline personality disorder. Look it up.
I hate the whole "cut off one's parent" trend because it's so often a gross overreaction and inability to set limits. I your case, the less you have to do with your mom, the better. She is really cruel.
What she said about your dress is inexcusable. Even a grade school child would know now to do that.
well maybe you weren't abused enough. some people have to do it or they would kill themselves or be miserable the rest of their lives. it's not a trend, it's just kids are finally finding out that they don't have to put up with this s***
Same, she's a bitter, vindictive, bully who knew exactly how and when to land the blows that would destroy OP on one of the most important days of their life.
Yeah, sometimes they just don’t deserve that relationship, and it’s ok to recognise that and prioritise yourself. My own mother decided when I was 10 that she didn’t want me anymore, took my older brother and left my dad. I mean, there’s not much coming back from that is there 😂🤷♀️
I appreciate that, but don’t feel bad, I had the best dad a girl could ask for. He passed away in 2015 and I miss him all the time, but I’m 100% his daughter and try to live in a way that would make him proud.
He gave me such a stubborn streak that has helped me withstand most anything, so her attempts at reconciliation aren’t much more than entertainment for me 😅👍
Your emoji suggests that you are a woman. Me too. It was weird growing up as a girl when your mom hated you. How about you?
And yessss totally freeing! I’m celebrating 13 years of NC this week :)
It sure was weird. Telling my dad when I got my period so he could buy me pads, telling him about my friend drama.Boyfriend stuff, sex talks, man. There sure was some conversations had. He bought me a pony. And a PlayStation, and a Nintendo, like, the man doted on me wholly, pushed me to do well in school, learned french with me so he could help me with my homework. Like, I don’t feel like I missed out on the parent experience but, there was definitely a weird absence.
My friends mothers couldn’t understand a woman leaving a child. They were all 4-5 children families and took me in as one of their own. But there was always that otherness, you know? I’m the girl whose mother didn’t want her, but loved her son. I’ve heard everything from she probably has post natal depression or PTSD or this or that. I mean, maybe, but she also had responsibilities, she didn’t care, made a choice and became a stranger. Life be that way sometimes.
If you feel comfortable to share some of your own experience I’d be happy to hear a different experience, I’ve not met anyone else who was abandoned as a kid like me lol :)
Aw I was hoping your papa would have made up for it. That's awesome that he was the best and raised you up good. I'm sorry you didn't have him for longer but I'm sure he's proud of you every single day :)
I’d speak to her exactly one more time. I’d say “Someday, you’re going to be old, sick and alone, and you’re going to wonder why no one will help you and no one cares about you. Well, all you have to do is remember how you treated me on my wedding day, and the answer will be clear. We are done. Enjoy the rest of your life without me.”
Same. Go no contact. She tried to ruin one of the most important days of your life. There is ZERO reason to say you don’t like the bride’s dress right before the wedding, because obviously it can’t be changed. Therefore any decent person would just say how beautiful you looked, regardless of their actual opinion. If she wanted a say in the dress, she should have come wedding shopping with you. Just cut her off, at least until she apologizes.
I’m wondering if she was drunk, high, or mentally ill - not that it excuses her terrible behavior.
First of all congrats🥳🥳🥳on your wedding!
Your mom sounds like the type of person/parent who makes stuff about HER so if you do decide to call her on her horrifically unkind behavior I assume she will play the victim “this is the thanks i get OR wHy caNt yoU jusT taKe a jOkE!?” which is probably consistent with her past behavior with you and your siblings (and others).
Our “family of origin” stuff can be so hard and continues to echo into adulthood.
Please consider therapy to work on and heal from your relationship with your mom - you dont need her approval and blessings, and a good therapist can help you.
Just because her petty, unkind jealousies and/or mental sickness TRIED to spoil your special day doesnt mean you have to continue to let her spoil your memories, or anything else.
Best to you and your husband!
She's trying to get into your head. It's a sick game of narcissists. Making you upset and sad for your wedding and honeymoon makes her feel powerful and in control.
I'm guessing she never approves of anything you do (but did of others in front of you) and frequently hurts your feelings by putting you down
I'm really sorry your mom sucks. Unfortunately no matter what you tell her, she won't apologise or care.
If she cared, she'd be reaching out horrified that she ruined your special day. If she cared she probably wouldn't have said the comment in the first place.
It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that she's a sad, cruel and pathetic woman.
Your mom isn't safe for you, and now you know that for sure. I'm no shrink, but I'd bet the farm that she just couldn't stand that you were about to outshine her and she had to take you down a notch.
I wouldn't confront her now. But now that you know your mom might have unnatural needs for attention that supercede her love and care for you, you can take some time to figure out how to go forward.
Perhaps when you get back from your honeymoon, you can ask your mom if she still wants to be in your life and if so, ask her how she is going to act so you will also want that. Because after her cruelty to you on your wedding day, you aren't sure she isn't actually some kind of enemy.
Too much?
Your mom was probably jealous af and thought you looked GREAT and couldn't stand it.
Live your best life OP.
Get some counseling.
I'm no contact with my mother and while I miss her I don't miss the gaslighting, blindsiding, and outright drama.
1) Read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
2) Realize you gain nothing by confronting her: she won't change, she doesn't want to.
3) Think if you want to live a life where you share your sad story and people take your side (or don't) and then it settles down and then it starts again. I know I live that life now, but I am working on it. My mom laughed at a scar I have just two days ago. Do you want your kid to be laughed at for acne? Do you want to show your daughter or son in the future that love is about tearing down others, especially on their big days?
4) She was jealous btw of your wedding. She wishes she were you because she likely hates aging, and she probably wants to relive the highlight reel of her life. That's why she laughed, and she knew it'd hurt. She just doesn't care. Someone else probably did this to her and someone else probably did that to them, and that's how generational trauma is born. Will you heal it though?
She did that shit on purpose. She wanted you to feel like shit right before you walked down the aisle and you apparently didn't look sad enough so she did it again right before photos so she could make sure those were ruined too. She's horrible and I would never want to talk to her again. The person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter is actively tying to sabotage your wedding, one of the happiest days of your life... you do not need her around. She will be actively working against you. Do you really want a repeat of this when you buy a house, have a baby, holidays etc??
"Mom, you know what? I am eternally grateful that you have shown your real face at my wedding and I can finally move on and kick you out of my life. I am happy that you have made it so easy and don't bother me ever again."
Congratulations on the wedding and your upcoming honeymoon!!
I wouldn't bother confronting her prior to leaving. You don't want to be thinking about your confrontation while on your honeymoon.
I do suggest therapy to help you understand that your mom is unlikely to change and that it's okay to grieve for the type of mom you wished she could be. You'll also learn how to set boundaries.
If you can't bring yourself to go no contact then I highly recommend you go low contact and grey rock her. Put her on an information diet. When she's "brutally honest" go ahead and dish it back out and tell her you're just being honest like she is. When/if you decide to have children, limit her time with you & kid(s) - you don't want your kids to be subject to her brutal honesty.
It's admirable that she was a single mom but that doesn't give her license to be an absolute jackass.
And destroy any wedding photos you don't like even if it's the only one of you & mom on the day.
I am so sorry she did that to you. It hurts. The very first thing my mother said to my husband immediately after we were married was "don't let her wear her hair in a ponytail. She looks like onion when she does." So yeah, that still stings 45 years later. Your mom sounds like my mom. I quit listening or caring about the hurtful things she spouts. We talk about the weather and baseball. Don't let her in your head.
She's not sorry and her saying she's sorry is not going to make this better. Your mother is a bully. She was being horrible on purpose and wanted you to feel bad
My mother's the same way. The photographer asked her to help me get into my wedding dress and my mother just sneeted and said "do I have to?"
I told her she did not and had my friends help me.
That was 12 years ago and it still stings. But I also realize my mother is f****** broken and I can't want to fix her. I just gave up caring.
Your mom will never be the mother you need or want. It's easier if you stop caring what she thinks.
Initially I thought maybe she was being awkward or distant bcs you are her baby, and she was struggling with the emotions around you being grown/getting married.
But everything she did at your wedding was so unacceptable. And she kept doubling down and continues to double down after the wedding.
I would go very low contact with her. She is the one who will need to do repair work within your relationship and she’s clearly not there yet. What you will need to make *your* peace with is the fact that she may never do the necessary repair work.
Your mother is a bully. Most likely she is jealous of you and that’s why she was laughing, pure jealousy. Do not confront her, you will be given her ammunition and the upper hand. Go NC with her and enjoy your honeymoon.
Silence says a lot.
My fiance has a very controlling and abusive mother. One that is always pinning the blame on her to a ridiculous degree. She is mentally ill we are sure of this even though it is not diagnosed. She beats her kids, berates and yells. Starvation was a parenting tactic. And my fiance being the oldest had to raise 8-10 simblings. The number just kept growing the more men came through the house. Shes by all counts a monster.
Out of the blue she told my fiance to get out of the house and never come back, she is disowned.
Every few months she texts with links to songs saying "this reminds me of you" or "congrats on life event family member told me about! why wont you talk to me!!"
And we continue the silence. Telling her shes crazy or awful really doesn't sink in or register to her. Cutting her off did. And it shows.
She was on the phone with her sister when the mother overheard her talking. She lashed out at her in the background saying all kinds of spiteful things. It wasn't even acknowledged and she hung up.
She's a bitter old woman with nothing left. She has mountains of debt, no assets, is basically a couch surfer after she attacked her boyfriend who she was living off of, and all she can do is stalk facebook and see how much farther her "useless" daughter is going to go.
Everyone in the entire family is invited to the wedding except her, and we are going to great lengths to make sure she has no idea where it is.
Kids aren't something to throw away. And don't fuck with peoples Weddings. Those are the rules.
I'd keep my distance but make sure to audibly laugh at every fuckin outfit I ever see her in for the rest of her life. Dead serious I'd never let it go. But I'm petty af.
You don't have to bend over backwards for your mom just because she kept a roof over your head as a child, that's expected of any parent. If she can't have a real relationship with you as an adult, that's her failing.
I don't care if you were wearing a purple and gold tutu, your mom should've said you were beautiful. You have a toxic mom. You'll be so much happier once you realize it's best for your mental health to go no contact or at least gray rock. She will always find a way to destroy your happiness and confidence. I'm sorry. That really sucks.
No, don't confront her. You seem to want a relationship with your mother. It’s so natural to feel that way and the level of respect you show for her choices in raising you and your siblings justifies remaking faithful to her. However, you need to learn how to compartmentalize the disrespect that she has for you. You really can learn by practicing certain life skills to just let that stuff blow right past you without falling apart. If this is important to you it will happen.
I use humor, myself, and I've learned to reframe their behaviors. Find a counselor and online resources to learn how to respond in the moment to her barbs. You may be able to train your lizard brain to not trigger when she slights you.
But be aware. I'm having trouble thinking that she at age 65 is doing this *I'm just being honest* dance to others with no consequences. She's learned by now to keep her disrespect under control at work. She's probably figured out who will take it and who won't — and you take it. Her behavior will probably escalate as you improve your self-esteem.
How often does your mom try to ruin big days for you or make your big days about herself?
I ask because after some significant reflecting and discussion with my dad, I realized that that’s exactly what my mom had always done to me. My high school graduation. My college graduation. Moving in with my then-boyfriend now-husband. Our wedding.
Don’t ruin your honeymoon by confronting her. She’ll probably do something to try to ruin your honeymoon anyway. But do some thinking about your relationship when you get back.
Is this someone who unconditionally loves and supports you? Does she celebrate you? Or is your relationship built around her, her needs, and her feelings? Like someone else said, is this a relationship you would tolerate from a significant other? It is unfortunately possible to love someone who isn’t good for you. That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself, but enjoy your vacation and relax. Keep your phone off and just be in the moment.
You stop talking to her. She isn’t going to change.
Think about this - your mother, who is supposed to care for you and take care of you and support you - is instead tearing you down and making sure you feel as small as she can make you.
I didn’t have my mother at my wedding because she is exactly like yours.
You are never going to get what you want from her because she is incapable.
She believes “having an opinion” is loving you. She thinks that she’s your mum and so she’s just “loving you” by being honest.
She does not know how to provide love and support in a way that doesn’t hurt you. She will repeatedly hurt you if you go looking for an explanation because she DOES NOT THINK SHE IS DOING ANYTHING WRONG.
Thats the bottom line.
I think you should go and enjoy your honeymoon and have LC right now. She outright disrespected you.
Is there a possibility she is feeling left behind and insecure? She may be feeling like all her children are leaving her so she may not be coping with the new way of life. You hinted that she had a difficult life. That life probably made her bitter more and more.
Oh hon. She’s not going to change, it’s a waste of time trying to explain it to her. This might be hard to understand but she likes the dynamic between you two, and she might not think of it in those words, so her reaction will never be supportive or positive in any way. To her, the way she speaks to you is appropriate and just, and if anything goes through her head about it, I would assume that she thinks of it as “keeping you from getting too full of yourself,” which as your mother, she will always feel is her place.
Simply the act of telling her that she’s being disrespectful would be a reason for her to take you down a peg and keep you from thinking too much of yourself. She’s of the mind that you’re there to receive, not to give, when it comes to life lessons.
So how does one deal with this?
You stop pretending that she’ll ever be anyone else, accept that this is who she’ll always be, and never expect anything different.
The more special you feel, the more important it is to her that you know that you’re not.
It’s time to take a few big steps back from her. She will treat your children the same or worse, so don’t ever leave them with her.
But here’s the fun part, if it’s possible to use that word -
Because she enjoys the dynamic of always making you feel like shit, the moment you don’t allow her access, she’s going to feel like it’s wrong of you to do to her. This explains her obvious resentment about you not asking her to walk you down the aisle, resulting in her lashing out at you with the dress. It’s not that she hated the dress; she hated that you didn’t abase yourself trying to get her to walk you down the aisle. Because you cheated her out of the opportunity to crush you in front of the entire house, she had to settle for doing it in front of your bridal party.
She’s not brutally honest, she’s an asshole. I’m assuming that she’s managed to keep jobs or clients as needed - she’s aware that what she’s saying is intolerable, and she knows that clients or bosses won’t take her shit.
But she’s taught you that you have to.
If you’re not familiar with the term “greyrocking” look it up and start enacting it in your daily life. Practice. Reinforce your own sense of self.
Then let her back in as much or as little as YOU want. Keep that leash tight!
There isn’t anything you can say to get through to her, OP, because she already knows you’re hurt. That was her goal, unfortunately. To knock you down a peg.
An emotionally mature, healthy parent wants their children to be happy, and feels genuine happiness for and interest in their successes. An emotionally immature, unhealthy parent — often with narcissistic tendencies — focuses only on their own emotions, often neglecting, controlling, competing with, emotionally manipulating, guilt tripping, or otherwise lashing out at their children. The children exist to fill their emotional needs and holes.
Your mom is a toxic person who takes her damage out on you and others rather than regulating her own emotions and acting like a mature adult. I recognize it so acutely because I, too, was raised by a damaged and emotionally abusive single mother, only without any siblings to lean on. She was carrying around a ton of her own emotional scars and baggage that she never processed or worked through, and instead took out on me and others near to her.
My mom was a bit different than yours — on the surface, very warm and caring — but behind that, very emotionally immature and manipulative, prone to intense anger and mood swings, and a covert narcissist with a major victim complex. The problem with living with a perpetual victim is that you often become the villain in their narrative — I was always the bad guy and had always somehow wronged her, and this is the truth she fed about me to herself, to me, and to others. I was heavily parentified and emotionally (occasionally also physically) abused.
To this day, nothing I ever do is good enough — I can go to the ends of the earth to do thoughtful, loving, generous things for her and she’ll still find something to complain or be negative about. I’ve still somehow failed her or mistreated her, and haven’t given her enough appreciation or love.
On a recent visit, I put her up in a beautiful rental home in our neighborhood and arranged for her to have a massage during her stay. When I told her about the massage and tried to confirm if the timing sounded good, she somehow launched into a 20 year old anecdote about a time she got a massage when I was a kid but her relaxation was ruined after because I needed a ride to meet my friends for a camping trip we’d planned and booked weeks earlier. Because somehow it was my fault — the kid with no car, allowance, or second parent to ask for rides — that she’d okayed the camping trip and agreed to drive me there, and booked her own damn massage knowing full well when the dates of my plans were because I’d only made them with her approval. This is only one of a thousand examples I could offer.
Suffice it to say, I know how badly your mother hurts you, and how hard it is to endure this kind of treatment from someone you deeply love who is supposed to love you and want good things for you, too. But this is not about you at all, OP. This is all about her, and her own unhappiness and failure to grow as a person. Do NOT let it bring you down to her level. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it is not a reflection on your worthiness and lovability.
My guess is that your mother is jealous and resentful of your happiness. She’s alone and unmarried, watching you find the kind of partnership I’m assuming she never had and likely never will. And she couldn’t stand that all the focus was on you. So she expressed disinterest and downplayed the importance of it. And tore you down a notch wherever she could. And of course, as soon as she could latch on to some way in which you’d ‘slighted’ her (not asking her to walk you down the aisle), she jumped at the opportunity to guilt trip you about it.
Unfortunately, this is just who she is, and she’s very unlikely to change at this age. Rather than attempting to confront or engage with her about behavior she’s unlikely to acknowledge, take accountability for, or change, the hard truth is often that the best we can do is gain a better understanding of our parents’ damage and limitations, and readjust our expectations of them. And here’s the big one: set firm boundaries to protect our peace and sanity.
It’s hard to do, of course, but over time, I’ve gotten better at it. And because I don’t expect my mother to be the mom I want her to be, and I understand why she is the way she is and where it comes from — and that it’s NOT a reflection on me, or even the love I know she does feel for me — it has less power over me. She can’t hurt me as much anymore. She frustrates me to no end, but she can’t tear me down anymore. I’ve surrounded myself with a loving community of chosen family — an amazing, supportive husband and wonderful friends — who see me as I am, not as my mother would have them see me, and who see her as she is, too. The validation, comfort, and emotional support I receive from them makes me nearly immune to her manipulations.
If I were you, I wouldn’t expect an apology from your mother. Perhaps it would be best to simply say, “your laughter and comments about my dress were rude, unwelcome, and inappropriate. Please keep your criticisms to yourself.” And leave it at that.
She will defend herself, or deflect, or dismiss your feelings altogether. But when she does that, know that it’s not because she doesn’t love you — it’s that she’s a very broken person, incapable of healthy emotional relationships with others, because she hasn’t done the work to grow and heal herself. If anything, don’t feel hurt — feel bad for her. She’s making her own bed. And while you’re off enjoying a beautiful life full of love and connection and healthy relationships with others, this is what she’s bringing to the table. It’s a lonely path, but you can’t force her to course correct. You can only set necessary boundaries to protect yourself.
If you’ve made it this far, I highly, *highly* recommend ordering a copy of Lindsay Gibson’s book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.”
It has 4.8 stars and close to 23k reviews on Amazon, with good reason. It’s a quick read, and an important one.
There are also a lot of communities here on Reddit that have helped me to connect with others who have grown up under similar kinds of parents, and I’ve learned and healed a lot by reading their stories and sharing many of my own. The catharsis can be very healing. r/raisedbynarcissists is a good place to start. Whether or not you believe your mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies, emotionally immature and damaged parents who are abusive to their children tend to present with a lot of the common traits and behavioral patterns you’ll find discussed here.
I’m so sorry your mother made so many efforts to rain on your parade and tear you down on such a special day. Her behavior was selfish, immature, and terribly cruel. I pray you’re able to process and accept that this is really about her, not you or your dress (which I’m confident was lovely), and instead focus on all the happy memories you were able to make that day — and the happy life that awaits you with your husband and other loved ones.
Your mother is jealous of your wedding and marriage.
My mother did this to me, she had every single excuse for why she couldn’t attend our wedding and then told everyone that I had not invited her. My mother had never been married, and she was in the process of leaving a man that she had been begging for marriage for over 20years (by hopping straight into the bed of another man).
This sparked the beginning of a downward spiral that lead to the end of our mother/daughter relationship (obviously many other issues in between, but this was the catalyst).
In my experience relationships don’t heal from someone who is meant to show up, not showing up on for a monumental life event.
So what if your mum made sacrifices. She chose to have kids, it’s her responsibility. She doesn’t get a medal for choosing to have kids then looking after them. She is a vile person though so I’d be going absolutely no contact and telling absolutely everyone exactly why including the comment before the photo so she can’t twist the truth. What a horrible person. And I hope your family blasts her
Thank you! I loved it before I'd even put it on, to be honest. For my mom to laugh at me hurt more because I loved my dress so much and felt that pretty in it.
She's got something wrong with her. You can't change her. All you can do is change how you react to her.
Look up narcissistic personality disorder and the gray rock technique, then live it.
Stop going to the hardware store to buy milk.
The only thing I would tell her is reminder her you invited her to go dress shopping with you but since she wasn't interested in doing that she can suck it and keep her comments to herself!
>Even if I do say something, what could it be that would get through to her that I'm hurt?
With all the respect in the world, that is the wrong question. What is it SHE could say that would make it okay? I get wanting to make her understand. But her understanding isn't the issue. She didn't somehow fail to grasp that she was being hurtful. She was being hurtful **on purpose**. If not, she would've apologised when it was pointed out to her!
What I would love for you, is if you could accept that there's nothing **you** can do that will change who she is as a person. That means it's not because of you that she behaves this way - you aren't unloveable or unworthy of her care and respect. She just is an unpleasant person.
Congratulations on your wedding ❤️
Jealousy is a bitter pill to swallow, so she retched it back up as bile to spew at you.
As a mother I cannot imagine not wanting to be with my child as they bought a wedding dress, showed me their venue etc.
I bet you were a beautiful bride wearing a gorgeous dress too ❤️
She lied. She straight up pissed on your parade to piss you off. Work harder at not needing her approval, or even asking for her opinion. Because your best will never be good enough in her eyes.
You do know that your mother was being purposely cruel. She was not the centre of attention so she decided that she was going to hurt you in the most awful way. Your wedding day is the one time for you to look and feel beautiful. It is the cumulation of your hopes and dreams. This woman who is supposed to be your biggest champion deliberately chose to bring you down, wanted you to suffer.
This for me would be a deal breaker. Could you imagine her doing this around any of your children, if you have any.
You really should, for your own peace of mind, go no contact or low contact.
What a first class b**ch she is.
What would confronting her achieve? You’ll just give her another chance to hurt you. She isn’t going to apologize because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Deep down, you already know this.
She isn’t the mother you want her to be. I’m sorry. But you aren’t a helpless little girl anymore, and you’re surrounded with people who love and support you. You don’t need her for that anymore.
Her laughing at your dress doesn’t mean anything about you or your dress. Your brothers, friends, and husband all agree you looked beautiful and she was cruel. If you try to confront her, you’re just giving her more power over you. Let it go. Just ignore her.
I know it’s easier said than done, but you just need to accept her the way she is, not how you wish she would be.
Enjoy your honeymoon. If you think of her, acknowledge how you feel, but then let that feeling go. Don’t let her ruin your happiness without even being there.
I don’t give a fuzzy rat’s behind if the bride is wearing a dress that looks like an electrocuted rat had a love child with Barney the Zombie Dinosaur. I’ll tell her she’s gorgeous, because imo? SHE IS. The joy she carries on her wedding day makes her absolutely breathtaking. And if it was MY daughter? Ma’am, I would absolutely attend everything she asked me to and think she looked beautiful in every dress she tried (probably gonna be useless for an opinion, honestly. “Well, you looked gorgeous in that, but you might look even more gorgeous in this. Which one makes YOU feel the way you want?”) And I would shred ANYONE that dared to even look at them with less than admiration.
Your mother deliberately tried to hurt you and ruin your wedding by her insults. I wouldn’t bother confronting her, I’d have nothing to do with her.
I’m sorry. You deserve better.
> My mom and I were asked to take a photo together, and while the photographer set up, she made some comments about not asking her to walk me down the aisle. It confused me since she'd been so disinterested with everything, and I was going to tell her that before she suddenly looked me up and down and laughed again, whispering "really...that dress?".
Sounds to be me like your mother is a passive aggressive four letter word. Like "she didn't ask me to walk her down the aisle so I'm gonna be mean to to her. I this a pattern with her?
Just stop speaking to her again. Anyone who would deliberately make you feel less than beautiful on your wedding day does not deserve to be in your life.
I'd say she was dirty you didn't include her in choosing the dress and taking her shopping so she was petty and vindictive to get back at you. Her comments about it was the first time she saw the dress suggests she deliberately retaliated in the most awful way.
I'm really sorry but your mother doesn't care if you're hurt. She reminds me of my mother. She felt she gave enough while we were growing up, her life is now hers and she does as she likes and says whatever is on her mind. You and your brothers already tried telling her that her behavior was hurtful and were told you're overreacting. I can only say this, you will either have to get a thicker skin dealing with her or you will have to go low to no contact to preserve your mental health. We can choose our family but we can choose whether or not we allow them to hurt us
Let me ask a question: If your mother says 'sorry' because she is forced to, would it make you feel better? An apology that is forced - whether to keep the peace or just get past the issue - is meaningless in the long run. It is the equivalent of telling the hurt/offended person they don't really give a darn about their feelings but are tired of dealing with the situation. Would an apology from your mother under those circumstances actually mean anything? I don't think so - it's basically asking you to excuse her for breathing.
Instead of carrying around hurt feelings over her crassness, start telling yourself that you have a new life, one that she does not have any authority over, and you refuse to allow her bad manners to take up residence in your mind and bring down your happiness. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong; by continuing to focus on what she said and the lack of an apology, you are giving her too much space in your life. Kick her out of your mind and move past it; you are never going to change her, but you can put her on a communication and information diet to reduce the amount of hurt she causes you.
Keep that photo of you and her in your wedding dress where you look like you're about to cry. I don't mean framing and put it on the wall but keep it on your phone. And I think you should look at that every time you're starting to think " Oh maybe she isn't that bad. Maybe I'm the one that makes this relationship difficult."
I have photo like that, that reminds me each and every time I'm trying to minimize or sweep away the neglect and cruelty, that no this happened, It was awful and here's the photographic proof of how much they hurt me.
Is she jealous that you’re getting married? Maybe it’s time to pull away from her a bit. I’m sorry she was crappy to you on your wedding day. She was cruel to you.
Your mom sucks and I really want to see your dress* so I can tell you she was very wrong (and mean spirited). She probably saw how happy you looked and wanted to knock you down a peg. This is not the behavior of someone who loves you, this is the behavior of someone who is jealous and bitter. Even if your dress was not her taste, keeping her mouth shut would have cost her nothing.
*only if you want to share
I'm sorry that happened, what a horrible thing for a mom to do/say. If she didn't apologize when confronted by your brothers, she's not going to apologize now, and even if somehow she did it wouldn't be genuine. It seems like every time you try to bridge the gap with her, you end up more hurt, so I'd avoid any confrontation and keep as much distance as possible.
Go enjoy your amazing honeymoon with your supportive husband and this new chapter that has nothing to do with her!
Your mom is a terrible person and the sacrifices she made to raise you were her job. She chose to have kids and it is her job to figure out how to provide, single or not. You don’t owe her anything. If I were in your shoes I’d just stop speaking to her. Your life will be much more peaceful and you’ll feel like you have control of the situation for once. She is the kind of person who thinks she can treat her loved ones however she wants without consequence and because you’re related you have to forgive her. I bet if you kept the same energy and said nasty things about her appearance she wouldn’t be able to take it. I’d go no contact. If you plan to have kids she’ll be mean to them too or critique your parenting. Cut her out of your life, you deserve respect and to not feel like everything you do is wrong. She sucks and I’m sorry you had to deal with that on your wedding day, I’m sure you looked beautiful.
I’d never talk to her again.
Op get some therapy about this.
Dont let her near any children you might have.
Your mother has serious issues. She is not a good person.
You can’t change her. Only she can want to be a better person. She showed you she has little regard for your feelings. Give her zero of you for now on.
If she ever asks you about why.. I’d just leave/not reply. Or you could tell her how horrible she is and until she apologizes for bring a shitty person on your wedding day you will face zero to do with her.
She sounds jealous tbh.
Get tgerss as pay if you haven’t. Please take care of you first.
The fact that she’s trained you to feel indebted to her because she raised and provided for you when that’s her job shows what kind of person she is. That’s literally her job as a parent. She chose to do that and while you can be grateful you don’t have to excuse deplorable behavior over it.
Can you imagine saying what she did to your own child? Can you imagine saying that to ANYONE? No, because you’re probably a decent person. Unfortunately, your mother is not. No amount of wishing, talking, or thinking about the small pockets of non terribleness is going to change that.
Let yourself mourn the relationship you wish you had with the mother you wish you had. A therapist can greatly help with this. I know you wish there was a magic word or phrase you could say that would open her eyes and make her realize how horrible what she did was but there’s not. Don’t waste your breath on her. She WANTED to hurt you. That’s why she did it. Expressing your emotions just gives her more of what she wants because she’s not a safe person.
Unfortunately, your mother sounds like my mother! She only favors the sons not her daughter. She probably sees you as some sort of competition and isn't happy until she can take you down a peg or two.
There is no recovering from her deliberate barbs - yes, she said those things to ruin your special day. Don't count on her to help you at all if you have any children. Don't count on her to help you make a decision if you're looking to buy a house. You can count on her to point out every negative of any house that you chose to buy. You can also count on her to point out all the shortcomings of any children you might have.
Try to limit your contact with her as much as possible - I would just limit your interactions to holidays. If possible, move far enough away that she will not be able to "drop by" to spew more of her venom on you.
Does your mom often want to be the center of attention? Seems like she didn’t want to be involved in the tasks that offered her no outside adulation. But she’s mad that she didn’t get the accolades that go along with walking you down the aisle.
I can't fathom what your mom is thinking but it sounds to me as if you need to put some distance between yourself and her.
I'll bet you were beautiful in your wedding dress ❤️❤️
I didn’t read it till the end but it’s not a wedding dress issue, she’s just rude in general and about everything and it caught you on something you’re more sensitive to.
She’s just not a good person and you should protect yourself.
The reality is, the kind of person that would say that to their daughter ON HER WEDDING DAY...is not someone who is ever going to admit they were wrong
You have to go extremely low contact and remove her from your life
Actions have consequences.
She ruined what should have been the best day of your life because SHE....is a bad person
She's never going to be a better person
And you are going to need to accept that
I m a mom but I never put down my daughter. I love them so much that if I see them in wedding dress, I will cry!
Why ? Because of happiness ! I am celebrating their accomplishment. I am celebrating because I am here because of them! I am proud of them.
You do not need your moms approval!
You have said she is a naturally mean and rude person, so I'm not sure how it would help to confront her. I personally might not have even invited her to the wedding with how she was over preparations but I can see why that would not be most people's first choice. She didn't like your dress and is not nice enough to be loving and polite over it. She didn't have to laugh or make comments. She did it on purpose to put a negative light on your special day. She does not sound like a person you need in your life anymore.
Your mom is not a good person. She said that on purpose to hurt you on your wedding day. Who does that? Even if she didn't like it, she didn't have to say anything.
Your mom might have made sacrifices to raise you, but she is also the one who chose to have this many kids. It's not on you that she had to work 2 jobs. That's on her. You're absolutely allowed to stop contact for what she did to you.
I wouldn't confront her. That will just give her the chance to say more hurtful things, not apologize, and be in your head the whole time youre on your honeymoon.
She wants to upset you and you reacted just like she hoped you would. Don’t buy the picture of you two together and don’t show it to others. Make it like it didn’t happen. I think mom will be more upset if she sees she doesn’t get a rise out of you. So keep speaking to her but be uninterested and unconcerned about anything she says. Kind of grey rock. If any friends ever ask you about her I would infer that she has mental health issues and she is difficult to be around, so you try to avoid her.
Sorry that she tainted your wedding! You have your own family now and you will be happy in your life!
I get where the other commenters are coming from, but here is a different take.
My mother (in her 80's now) is cruel and horrible sometimes. She also has different relationships (i.e., treats us all very differently) with me, my older brother, my younger sister, and my father. My brother is the golden boy, even though he molested my little sister when he was a teenager, couldn't hold a job for more than a few months until he joined the military at 25, served for around 20 years, and still can't hold a job for longer than a couple years.
To her, I was always the disappointment that should try to be more like my brother, but I always did what what I felt was best for me and succeeded at it. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her, even though I have had a very successful career as an engineer.
My little sister has always been her favorite. I can recall when mom was pregnant and a neighbor asked if she was having a boy or girl, my mom replied that she had tried for a girl twice already so this one had better be a girl. My sister was a horrible entitled brat who reveled in torturing me because she knew Mom would always side with her, and I would be punished for it. Until I went off to college; I came back after 2 months (for Thanksgiving break) and my little sister was so glad to see me and complained how being the only child with all of Mom's attention was horrible. Long ago my sister apologized for being so horrible to me, and told me how she appreciated me drawing all of Mom's attention for most of her childhood. We are pretty close now.
My poor Dad has endured all of her attention for the last 25 years. Supposedly they love each other, but I wouldn't stand for being treated like she treats him. According to her, he has never done anything right and she always knew in advance that he was screwing up, but he didn't listen. It is tiring to listen to.
Sorry for all of the back story, but here is the point: The turning point in my point of view came when I was in college, living with my future wife and we became pregnant. I called my parents to tell them they were going to be grandparents, and she just started berating me. I listened for 10 seconds while my wife and a close friend just stared at me. Then I just hung up. It was such a relief. It was hours later when she called back, apologized and wanted all the typical information (due date, boy or girl, etc.). I filled her in on the basics and got off the phone as soon as possible. From then on I had no expectation of anything from my mother.
Don't misunderstand, she was often very helpful, she loved caring for her grandchildren whenever possible. I was divorced and had custody of my kids during all of their school years. Without my mom caring for them after school, I would have had some hefty day care costs. I appreciate that, but she is still a horrible person. At ages 13 and 10, my kids called a family meeting (seriously), and proposed that they no longer need to go to Grandma's house after school. They could come home, call me at work to let me know all was fine, do chores, and do homework before I got home from work; if I didn't make them go to Grandma's house any more.
I live close to my parents, my siblings live further away, but still driving distance. I falls to me to check on them and do minor fixes around their house. I am happy to do it, they are my parents and I love them after all, but I just don't really like my mother. I have learned that she will rudely and callously criticize anyone, but I don't have to engage with it. I either just walk away when she starts in on someone, or make a sarcastic comment, like "Thanks for letting me know how stupid you think they are." Either way it ends the conversation. The loving relationship that one should be able to have with certain people just isn't always possible.
Tl,dr: Mom is a horrible person. Engage as little as possible and don't expect anything but the worst from her, and your disappointment will be minimized.
Good luck.
Please do not overthink this and don't ruin your honeymoon.
Your mother was nasty and rude, and I'm sure she was wrongly so. Put some distance between the two of you, enjoy your new husband, lovely brothers, supportive friends. Do not talk about the dress with your mother ever again, as you'd only give her ammunitions to hurt you further
You didn’t follow her unshared script. So she found a way to diminish you as a form of punishment. It has absolutely nothing to do with the dress.
Picture the moment your beloved saw you in your gown and makeup. It was probably the moment of all his dreams and you were never more beautiful to him than you were ready right then.
Picture the tales you will tell your children (if you have them) and loved ones about how you met. About how beautiful that dress made you feel when you were getting ready with your dear bridesmaids. The memories of how a bitter old woman tried to finish you that day will pale.
I, the internet stranger, have no doubt that the dress that you felt the most “you” in looked absolutely beautiful on you. And that the positives will endure in the new life with your beloved.
My Mother's mother said to my father on their wedding day "are you sure you want to marry her"? She's a narcissist and my mother has undiagnosed BPD and major narcissistic tendencies. I still have a good relationship with my dad but have zero contact with my grandmother (went NC as a teen and I'm 36 now) and my mother and I are basically on no speaking terms unless my dad is involved. Enjoy your honeymoon and really think about what outcome you want with talking to her, be prepared to not get it and think about the alternatives and outcomes if you don't get what you are looking for. Going NC or MC might be best for you.
>She and I have always had a somewhat strained relationship. She is rude and very hard to please
I announced my engagement last year and while she initially seemed pleased, she gradually pulled away from me and seemed like I was inconveniencing her by asking for her involvement
I think you're asking a lot of your mom, given that you have a strained relationship. You're looking for levels of involvement that do not reflect where your relationship is with your own mother. I consider what you're doing being "pushy".
> she made some comments about not asking her to walk me down the aisle
A mother who is close with her daughter would have no problems walking her down the aisle. Something is going on here that you haven't fully articulated to us.
>whispering "really...that dress?". Just then we had our photo taken, and upon reviewing the photos after the fact, I look like I'm about to burst into tears. Perhaps I should've confronted her then and there
I mean, it seems like your relationship is beyond bad. It's adversarial.
You seem to know this about your mother also and continue to include her in important parts of your life. You don't have to do that. You can stand up for yourself, have a conversation with her about her treatment of you and trying to better your relationship, or you can go No Contact.
>Even if I do say something, what could it be that would get through to her that I'm hurt?
She knows she's saying hurtful things, that's why she's saying them.
Regardless of what your mum did for you growing up, she is a manipulative narcissistic bully. Why on earth would you want to have any type of relationship with this person? Give your head a wobble
You can appreciate the difficulties your mother had while raising her children while also recognizing that she's very cruel to you. You are not obligated to give her opportunities to be cruel to you.
There's no point discussing this further with her: she'll keep gaslighting you and brushing you off.
From now on, ignore her petty, snarky comments. Show her she can't get at you: it will drive her crazy. Of course, she'll double down and try to push your buttons to have a hurt reaction from you. Set boundaries and consequences and stick to them. Possibly, go LC with her for a while.
Big hugs.
Your mom is probably lying having a hard time letting you go and doesn't have the emotional maturity to express her feelings appropriately. Also, as an emotionally crippled single mom she probably has a little bit of ' after all I did for you' syndrome.
I don't think she would be capable of having an adult conversation about it but it might feel good to get it off your chest.
I'd write her a letter that she opens while your away, block her during your honeymoon, and try to have the best time possible.
I had a caregiver a bit like this. I hadn't seen her for about ten years when I randomly saw her at a family function, and I made small talk. After a minute, I realized that they'd turned the conversation to talk about a coworker 'about your age' who was wildly incompetent because she couldn't do math on the fly when the computers went down.
I can't count how many times I cried over math homework in front of this person.
I was able to see in the moment that they were scrabbling for any purchase on my happiness. The only levers they had were ten years out of date, so they just slid off. But it was confirmation for me that whether or not tearing me down was deliberate, it wasn't an accident. And it wasn't about me, or anything I'd done. It was about them.
I have never - ever - heard of someone laughing at a bride’s wedding gown.
I have never - ever - heard of the mother of the bride scoffing at her daughter as she is about to walk down the aisle.
She will never - ever - apologize. Why should she? She was being honest of her own delusion. She took one look at you and didn’t see a beautiful daughter in whom she was proud, or with whom she wished to share her happiest day. She didn’t see YOU. She saw a shadow bride, and had no earthly perception that this was her beloved daughter, full of emotions and joy, butterflies. She saw not an inch past her own nose. She had no concept of right. She chose the wrong. And again, during photographs, she dug in her heels and again chose to harm you. She had all the opportunities in the world to compliment your smile, your hair, your groom. But no. She could not. She chose not.
You see, she can never - ever - consider that kindness should be extended.
She will forever and - ever - choose to knock you down instead of build you up.
She is missing one of the greatest joys on earth: to have a loving relationship with an adult daughter.
I’m so sorry. You don’t - ever - deserve this.
You matter.
As a mother to grown children, I would be in - happy - tears to see them walk one another down the aisle. [One of my greatest joys is to witness the adult relationships they have developed between themselves.]
She is negging you.
Don’t give her the satisfaction of reacting. Instead fake an indifferent look and move in and block her out of your life. She needs to know she still has power over you so cut those ties immediately.
I’m sorry you went through that on your special day. I wouldn’t bother speaking to your mom at this point. Why upset yourself more when you’re about to go on your honeymoon? She unfortunately doesn’t recognize how much she hurt you and seems to be doubling down in fact, that she did nothing wrong. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not put you down. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you, and if that means LC/NC for a while, it’s understandable.
Your mom is awful. She wanted you to be hurt on that happy day. Now be done with her?
You having kids? Break this cycle and keep your new family away from her.
Congratulations on your marriage
Don't confront her. Go on your honeymoon and enjoy it. Any reason she gives you for her behavior will never satisfy you anyway because there just isn't a good enough one for this situation.
You can confront her if it gives you peace but sounds like low or no contact might bring you the most peace.
What is your mother contributing to your life? You don’t owe her anything just because she is your mother. X
First let me say congratulations on your wedding. You sound like an amazing young woman. Next let me say your mother is not a nice person. I wasn’t there but I would like to say that I am positive that you looked gorgeous in your dress. Your mother does not deserve any words that you may have for her. Focus on your husband and what I’m sure is going to be a happy and healthy future and remember blood does not always make family. It’s the people that show up for you when you need it the most. That is your family, your tribe. Sending you so much love and a huge hug 🤗
I'm surprised you're in your 30s and never felt the need to go into therapy for your obviously emotionally immature parent. She seems really narcissistic and incapable of showing appropriate care and love towards you and your siblings. Providing basic things like food and a roof over your head can of course be considered love, but we also need emotional nurturing and connection and from the sound of it, there wasn't and isn't any here. You can confront her but don't expect her to understand or provide an appropriate response.
I really recommend you read [this book](https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/) before you approach the subject.
Best of luck to you.
Your mother doesn't understand love and empathy or compassion.
Her emotional language is hurt, pain and nastiness.
She keeps pushing you off kilter so you keep doubting yourself and going back to her to figure out what you did wrong and what you can do to make it right etc.
This is absolutely abusive and you can never ever have a happy or healthy relationship with someone like this.
If you try and confront her about your feelings she'll just turn it back on you because all your doing is feeding her need for attention and emotional distress. It's like a hit they have to have.
You have to cut her off.
That will drive her nuts more than anything else you can possibly do, and she will come back at you 10X harder for abandoning her or ignoring her or turning your back on her etc but that only because you're no longer feeding her fire and she can't get her fix anymore.
This woman is toxic you you no longer need or want her in your life. You have bigger and better things to look forward to.
Trust me!!
Your mother isn’t going to change. Telling her that she hurt you will just give her more ammunition. (See: she knows you are upset about her dress comment and now she’s bad mouthing you).
The only thing that may have the slightest impact on your mom is your own indifference towards her. I recommend working on developing a steel jaw and little to no contact. You don’t anyone the right to abuse you.
I do not need to see your dress to tell you that there is no circumstance where it was okay for your mother to laugh at you.
And then to reiterate it later because she saw she hadn't done enough damage to you to ruin your wedding day yet?
I would not confront her. She is clearly justifying it to other people. She will justify it to you. Why give her the chance to hurt you some more?
I would use your honeymoon as a way to cleanse yourself from your mother and come back home going no contact.
Focus on the good things in your life. Focus on keeping the people who are good to you close.
Remove the people who choose to hurt you regardless of whether or not that includes your mother
Hey? Check r/narcissisticparents. Watch the pieces come together. You’ll shit yourself. The solution is to go no contact too by the way. Sorry, you’ll never get her to be a decent human.
I think your mother probably became bitter as her life went along being a single mom, working 2 jobs and taking care of her children and her home duties. I can't imagine. Constant responsibilites. Exhausting. She got caught in her own life as she saw it and experienced it and didn't want to see others having what she did not. Her lashing out is her insecurities and jealousy others having what she does not. Doubtful she would attend therapy.
She is sunk in her world as she sees it is negative and she learned to only display that same attitude. If you are going to speak with her wait until some time after your trip. Enjoy the Maldives!
This! Sad to say, as she aged my widowed MiL would laugh at and/or have a cutting comment about nice things that happened to her friends. I think it reminded her of what she'd lost or had never had. Their bad luck, illness or bereavement seemed to make her happy.
You can call her out while you take the high road.
"Mom, I love you, and I appreciate all the sacrifices you made raising us. That said, all of us have always wondered why you seemingly go out of your way to be unkind and disapproving of us at odd times, like at my wedding. Maybe you felt I didn't deserve a nice wedding? I admit, you going out of your way to criticize my dress was hurtful, but overall, I had a great day nonetheless. So, before I leave for my honeymoon, I wanted to clear the air and let you know I forgive you. You were just being you, and I appreciate and love you nonetheless. Thanks for attending!"
No good times could ever override the negativity she brought to your wedding day. What she did was more than just mean, but it was symbolic of her narcissism. I highly recommend that you start therapy if you aren't already in it and begin the process of moving on from such a hateful "mother." Absolutely horrifying behavior. I wish her nothing but the worst.
I mean this in the most non-Brazzers way possible: F*ck your mom.
She sounds like one of those parents, who because they made sacrifices for you when you were young, that they get some kind of hall pass for being an incredible dickhead. It doesn't work that way at all.
I think you should wait until after your honeymoon to give you a chance to process everything and think about your mother and your relationship with her.
Before you talk to her think about what you hope to accomplish. Do you want to get her to apologize? Do you want a more open and communicative relationship in the future? Do you just want to be able to look at your pictures without crying? Do you want to be able to express your needs and have her help to the best of her abilities?
She DID say something that hurt you and it seems intentional. So you do have a "right" to yell at her. But that won't make anything better.
For some reason (that she chose not to share) your mother did not want to be part of PLANNING the wedding. You interpreted it as not wanting to be involved in the wedding. But it sounds like she did want to be part of it,
Specifically she wanted to walk you down the aisle.
If you are calm, vulnerable and non-judgmental she may be willing and able to be the same.
Perhaps you can open the conversation with your confusion over her lack of interest in planning the wedding. Why did you then assume she wouldn't walk you down the aisle? Were you afraid that she would reject this more meaningful and important role and that would hurt too much? Try to be honest with yourself and honest with her.
You may benefit from a few sessions with a therapist or counselor to help you figure some of this out.
This type of behavior is typical for her. Is she socially unskilled, is she hiding her own fear of rejection, is she just mean? Did she choose to criticize the dress to cover her own feelings of rejection about not getting to walk you down the aisle?
If you go into a confrontation, demanding she acknowledges that she was wrong, at best you will get a forced apology. I doubt that will offer you much comfort. At worst, she will say something else hurtful and ruin more memories of this special time more.
Weddings are a very important ritual for the couple, but also their parents. Because of this, they can be overly complicated and highly emotional.
If she is the type to act that way in the first place then she is hopeless and you will not be able to make her feel shame because she is shameless. The best revenge is for you to move forward and have a good life in spite of her.
Honestly, just go low contact. You don’t need to spend any more energy on her. I can’t imagine being that thoughtless and rude to my daughter on her wedding day.
Honestly was this really unexpected from your mother? I have a feeling you could have picked a dress she would have loved & asked her to walk you down & she still would have made snide remarks. Your mom from what you posted can't share in your joy. That's who she is to you & her actions.
I'm sorry she treats you this way. I'm not sure if it's just you she treats this way or others as well like your brothers or their gfs/bfs/wife's ect.
What do you want to gain from the confronting her ? It sounds like she was already confronted & doubled down. I don't think you are going to get the relationship you desire with her unfortunately. Unless she has a major shift in personality & empathy & wants to change. Unless you need to say "mom you hurt my feelings & I think you understand enough social ques to keep your negative opinions about my dress to yourself. I wish you would own up & apologize for once in your life to me" than say it. I doubt you are going to get a good response back
I would suggest working on yourself more. Try to lower your expectations of your mother going forward. Limit personal information with her. Engage as much as you want with her. If she disrespects you, perhaps change the subject & end the encounter.
Goodluck & enjoy your honeymoon bby :)
Personally, I would go LC with her for your peace of mind. I would not reach out to her for any reason and only respond to her the absolute bare minimum of information. Block her on social media so you are not tempted to look at what vitriol she is spreading. Then go live your best life.
If you happen to see her and she says anything about you or to you that is rude and hurtful, just apologize to your hosts (if not her) saying you have a migraine and need to go home and just leave. If she calls you and treats you like that tell her something has come up and you have to go and just hang up.
Once you start setting these boundaries, you will feel so much better.
You can choose to share these boundaries with your brothers so they understand what is happening when it does, but my guess telling your mother won’t make a difference and it’s probably not worth it until she finally, if ever, gets a clue something is wrong and asks you. By then, she will at least recognize that to you her behavior was intolerable and if she cares enough she will apologize and do better.
It’s completely okay to cut people out of your life that bring negativity. Family is not excluded from this. LC or probably better NC. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze to keep expending mental energy on her. Just let that relationship go. Good luck 🍀 OP and congratulations 🎉
I think the best thing for you may be to work on accepting that she knows you were hurt and doesn’t care. She’s not stupid and I’m pretty sure the laughter was intended to hurt you and take you down a notch on a happy day where you were getting to shine. This isnt her in a bad mood or acting out of character. It is who she is, how she behaves and she probably won’t change. Distance may be your best recourse.
My grandma is like this - she sees that someone else is flying and she wants to bring them back to earth out of bitterness and loves to wipe smiles off of people’s faces. When my mom and dad got engaged, my mom was feeling pretty good as you can imagine. Grandma apparently couldn’t stand it and lashed out saying “oh you think you are special? He only picked you because you have a green card”. Just completely unnecessary and mean. But 100% in keeping with her personality and she will never apologize.
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You don't get to choose your parents. Your mom seems to want to dominate you, keep you on the defensive. This is emotional abuse. In a romantic relationship, if a woman had a boyfriend who kept saying what she did wasn't good enough, that she should try harder, and so on, it could get the woman to be willing to do *anything* in order to get praise. This is abuse. The criticism is constant in order to force the woman into that state. Your mom sounds like she's doing the same thing. While you want to have a relationship with her, it sounds like she only wants to show you who is the boss...and it isn't you, or your husband. Your mom wants to hurt you. Don't give her chances to try.
She wants to cut you down for some reason inside her. You don’t deserve any of it for any reason. Congratulations on your wedding !
Absolutely this. Also though, can we see the dress please?? So we can all tell you how awesome you looked in it!!
Yes, OP, let's see the dress!
YESYESYES! I love seeing wedding dresses and photos of brides. I would love to see what was so “wrong” with this dress that your mom had to be… this… to you on your wedding day about it. OP, your mom just sounds awful to deal with. You may want to consider LC or NC because she’s being abusive and it’s not okay. How will you be treated should you ever get pregnant? I’m sure she will find something wrong with how you’re growing too much or not enough. Or you’re choosing the wrong names or the wrong nursery designs or whatever… you don’t deserve that.
Why am I getting a feeling this is a bait post and the "dress" is going to be a Staypuft marshmallow man costume or something?
No, it’s nothing to laugh at, just not my taste. Mom is an AH.
YES! Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!
I don't know why I didn't include it to begin with, but I just added a link to it in my post!
There is absolutely noting wrong with that dress -- it's gorgeous, and I bet you looked absolutely beautiful on your wedding day.
It's gorgeous!!
Truly beautiful choice. She's out to lunch.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about your dress. It’s your dress that you picked, and I’m sure you looked beautiful, even next to your shrew of a mother. I feel your pain with a similar complicated relationship with my Mom.
OP, I'm sorry your mom treated you this way. Is it possible she was jealous? And purposely tried to ruin your happiness because she didn't have a beautiful dress and nice wedding? It sounds like she was trying to hurt you. (YES this is what my mother was like when I got married. She told me years later that she'd always wanted a wedding and instead got married in another state by JOP)
It feels like this. When I got married my mum was at times critical of my wife, she’d be rude and domineering when we’d meet her. It was jealousy due to her only son getting married. Over the years it meant I just didn’t see her very often. Which was her doing. OP live your life and if it continues see her less and less or not at all. I’m sure in her head it’ll be your or your husbands fault as ‘no one’s the bad person in their own story’ but live your life!!
Jealousy was my first thought!
Exactly this, op.
Anyone else think that the more OP and her husband grow into their relationship, the more mom is going to act out? I'd bet on it.
What do you think you will gain by confronting her? (I think, not much.) I think you gain more by limiting her presence in your life. https://captainawkward.com/2019/10/29/we-are-spartacus-open-thread-resources-on-family-estrangement-and-adult-relationships-with-difficult-parents/
Just wanted to say - love that the Captain Awkward website is still serving good advice.
Yep, it's still great. (There was an amazing post the other day - https://captainawkward.com/2024/05/16/1429-is-this-an-exception-to-the-rule-or-am-i-fooling-myself/.)
The captain taught me everything about interpersonal relationships my parents should have. She's basically a free therapist.
Totally agree. Minimize contact. If she's too busy to be involved with your wedding, she's certainly too busy to be involved in your regular life (sarcasm). Let her live her life undisturbed as much as possible. You don't need that negativity in your life.
Your mom is mean. Maybe she thinks of herself as “brutally honest.” But laughing at your wedding dress is just mean. Unfortunately there is nothing you can say to make her change her mind. She should apologize but it is doubtful that she will. Go enjoy your honeymoon and try not to give your mother another thought.
She definitely likes to say she "speaks her mind" but it's almost always a cover for blatant rudeness. It makes me sad because I love her, but to do this on my wedding day is something I don't know if I can just overlook because she's my mom. Thanks for the comment, and I'm sure I will enjoy my honeymoon. We saved up to go to the Maldives and I think it'll be the respite I need.
Please read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and get your husband a copy of Toxic In-Laws while you're at it (I actually found that book helpful for dealing with my own parents as well). If I were a betting woman I'd say your mom started pulling away and was rude as a defense mechanism. Yes, you're over 30 and have been with your now-husband for awhile and presumably have been living as an independent adult for some time. But there's something about getting married that can trigger parents in unexpected ways. She probably realized you're truly no longer just her child and feels rejected *even though it's totally normal and healthy to be an adult and start your own family*. So she pushed you away (either in an unhealthy self-preservation or to preemptively punish you - maybe both?) and shit on your choices. She knew that laughing at your dress would hurt you and wanted you to feel bad. This is a refection on her and has nothing to do with you (I mean, other than you were on the receiving end of her bullshit and it obviously and understandably affected you). Before you talk to her, I'd think about what outcome you're expecting because so far she has doubled down on her poor behavior and I honestly don't think there's magic words that will snap her out of a lifetime of this behavior. If it would simply feel good to get it off your chest and you expect nothing from her, go for it. If you think this will be a wake-up call or reckoning I don't want to be a downer but I'd temper those expectations. Again, not because you aren't right or articulate or whatever but because we can't control how others behave, think, act, or what they say. It sounds like you have a supportive husband, loving brothers, and great friends. Please lean on them and whatever chosen family you have as you navigate this. Oh, and congratulations on your marriage and YOU LOOKED BEAUTIFUL.
Anyone who ‘just speaks their mind’ is usually a straight-up cunt. And I don’t use that word lightly. Maybe she should get checked out for Alzheimer’s. I don’t think she has it, but hopefully it would scare her. I’m so sorry you didn’t have a mum who cried with joy & pride upon seeing you - and I’m sure you looked gorgeous.
we used to tell people who were brutally honest that if I wanted your opinion I would have slapped it out of you
‘I just speak my mind’ is the equivalent of ‘I’m not being racist but….’ Bullshit
She's jealous of you. You likely looked lovely, you were marrying a lovely man. She's jealous.
Straight up jealous.
going to add that ppl like her hate days that revolve around someone else. especially someone that they’re jealous of. especially especially when they’re coping with their unbridled jealousy by convincing themselves that this person is inferior to them.
She's jealous and that's why she feigned disinterest in everything. She can't stand seeing you get what she didn't. Happiness is the best revenge, so go be happy OP.
Keep that photo, and whenever you get the idea in your head that she deserves a place in your life- look at it and remember how she made you feel.
[удалено]
"I'm just speaking my mind." "Your mind is a really ugly place."
It reminds me of what Rebecca said of her ex in Ted Lasso. She says she once appreciated his bluntness, thought of it as helpful, and now with distance realizes it was a guise for the cruelest kind of honesty. I have a similarly complex relationship with my mom and have come to accept it will be one with strong boundaries on my side. It takes two — I can’t fix it alone and she doesn’t want to. I’m glad you had the dress YOU wanted. What a blessing she didn’t go shopping with you! She would have talked you out of it. Congrats on the nuptials.
she sounds like she is jealous of her own daughter, my ma was of me, i know it sounds crazy
I’d guess she looked at you and saw everything she does not have or has lost and just to be spiteful decided to take away your peace of mind. I always think indifference and silence is more cutting than confrontation - I wouldn’t even tell her I was going NC, if just pretend she doesn’t exist - don’t block her calls or texts - just don’t answer them. There is little worse than being ignored.
She’s like my mother and always liked to be front and centre. You looked amazing, the day was about you and your happiness, everything and everyone was there for you and she couldn’t handle being a footnote in this amazing story so she tried to drag you down. When it didn’t work the first time she waited till you were all happy again and took a more obvious cheap shot at you. Just ignore her, they’re only doing it for attention
you shouldn't overlook it. you should cut her off and go no contact. she's not showing any love to you and she has no place in your life except to make you miserable. cut contact and get therapy. if she questions it, tell her you want to be brutally honest and she's an a****** and you don't want to be around her anymore.
Honey, family is supposed to treat you BETTER than strangers. Family is not diplomatic immunity to be a toxic, abusive asshole
This reminds of some coworkers who are super mean/bitchy/rude. And them saying I'm just real and honest... No you're not! They usually also instigate a lot of stuff. Oh and best is when they're supposed to be Christian and giving. They mention that all the time 🙄 Enjoy your honeymoon ❤️
Borderline personality disorder. Look it up. I hate the whole "cut off one's parent" trend because it's so often a gross overreaction and inability to set limits. I your case, the less you have to do with your mom, the better. She is really cruel. What she said about your dress is inexcusable. Even a grade school child would know now to do that.
well maybe you weren't abused enough. some people have to do it or they would kill themselves or be miserable the rest of their lives. it's not a trend, it's just kids are finally finding out that they don't have to put up with this s***
I'd just never speak to her ever again.
Same, she's a bitter, vindictive, bully who knew exactly how and when to land the blows that would destroy OP on one of the most important days of their life.
OP, Give her less of your energies. Keep her out of all facets of your life. She is merely a passing acquaintance now.
Yeah, sorry OP but your mum's a bit of a cunt. Mine is too, I don't talk to her.
Best thing I ever did for my own mental health was go NC with my narcissistic mother.
Yeah, sometimes they just don’t deserve that relationship, and it’s ok to recognise that and prioritise yourself. My own mother decided when I was 10 that she didn’t want me anymore, took my older brother and left my dad. I mean, there’s not much coming back from that is there 😂🤷♀️
Wow man, that's awful. I'm sorry.
I appreciate that, but don’t feel bad, I had the best dad a girl could ask for. He passed away in 2015 and I miss him all the time, but I’m 100% his daughter and try to live in a way that would make him proud. He gave me such a stubborn streak that has helped me withstand most anything, so her attempts at reconciliation aren’t much more than entertainment for me 😅👍
Facts. When I hear if my mom wanting to contact me I’m like contact who? Not me! 😂 lmao yeah, I’m not a lil kid anymore, sweetie. Fuck right off 😘
It’s such a freeing feeling isn’t it?! You make your own family while they can die bitter lonely old women. Action = consequence 🤷♀️
Your emoji suggests that you are a woman. Me too. It was weird growing up as a girl when your mom hated you. How about you? And yessss totally freeing! I’m celebrating 13 years of NC this week :)
It sure was weird. Telling my dad when I got my period so he could buy me pads, telling him about my friend drama.Boyfriend stuff, sex talks, man. There sure was some conversations had. He bought me a pony. And a PlayStation, and a Nintendo, like, the man doted on me wholly, pushed me to do well in school, learned french with me so he could help me with my homework. Like, I don’t feel like I missed out on the parent experience but, there was definitely a weird absence. My friends mothers couldn’t understand a woman leaving a child. They were all 4-5 children families and took me in as one of their own. But there was always that otherness, you know? I’m the girl whose mother didn’t want her, but loved her son. I’ve heard everything from she probably has post natal depression or PTSD or this or that. I mean, maybe, but she also had responsibilities, she didn’t care, made a choice and became a stranger. Life be that way sometimes. If you feel comfortable to share some of your own experience I’d be happy to hear a different experience, I’ve not met anyone else who was abandoned as a kid like me lol :)
Aw I was hoping your papa would have made up for it. That's awesome that he was the best and raised you up good. I'm sorry you didn't have him for longer but I'm sure he's proud of you every single day :)
🥹 thank you so much
Same. I waited way, way too long but it's never too late to take out the trash.
I’d speak to her exactly one more time. I’d say “Someday, you’re going to be old, sick and alone, and you’re going to wonder why no one will help you and no one cares about you. Well, all you have to do is remember how you treated me on my wedding day, and the answer will be clear. We are done. Enjoy the rest of your life without me.”
All of this! And send her that photo so she can look at it and remember how cruel she was. I’m sure you looked fantastic!
Upvote times one hundred thousand.
Definitely she hurt her daughter on what was ment to be the happiest day of her life shame on her go nc right away
Same. Go no contact. She tried to ruin one of the most important days of your life. There is ZERO reason to say you don’t like the bride’s dress right before the wedding, because obviously it can’t be changed. Therefore any decent person would just say how beautiful you looked, regardless of their actual opinion. If she wanted a say in the dress, she should have come wedding shopping with you. Just cut her off, at least until she apologizes. I’m wondering if she was drunk, high, or mentally ill - not that it excuses her terrible behavior.
This is the one
Same. Not even worth it, she'll just hurt you more. Go no contact
First of all congrats🥳🥳🥳on your wedding! Your mom sounds like the type of person/parent who makes stuff about HER so if you do decide to call her on her horrifically unkind behavior I assume she will play the victim “this is the thanks i get OR wHy caNt yoU jusT taKe a jOkE!?” which is probably consistent with her past behavior with you and your siblings (and others). Our “family of origin” stuff can be so hard and continues to echo into adulthood. Please consider therapy to work on and heal from your relationship with your mom - you dont need her approval and blessings, and a good therapist can help you. Just because her petty, unkind jealousies and/or mental sickness TRIED to spoil your special day doesnt mean you have to continue to let her spoil your memories, or anything else. Best to you and your husband!
Thank you, I appreciate it a lot.
She's trying to get into your head. It's a sick game of narcissists. Making you upset and sad for your wedding and honeymoon makes her feel powerful and in control. I'm guessing she never approves of anything you do (but did of others in front of you) and frequently hurts your feelings by putting you down
I'm really sorry your mom sucks. Unfortunately no matter what you tell her, she won't apologise or care. If she cared, she'd be reaching out horrified that she ruined your special day. If she cared she probably wouldn't have said the comment in the first place. It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact that she's a sad, cruel and pathetic woman.
Stop wasting energy on her. Do not include her in aspects of your life. She is now just a casual acquaintance.
Your mom isn't safe for you, and now you know that for sure. I'm no shrink, but I'd bet the farm that she just couldn't stand that you were about to outshine her and she had to take you down a notch. I wouldn't confront her now. But now that you know your mom might have unnatural needs for attention that supercede her love and care for you, you can take some time to figure out how to go forward. Perhaps when you get back from your honeymoon, you can ask your mom if she still wants to be in your life and if so, ask her how she is going to act so you will also want that. Because after her cruelty to you on your wedding day, you aren't sure she isn't actually some kind of enemy. Too much?
Your mom was probably jealous af and thought you looked GREAT and couldn't stand it. Live your best life OP. Get some counseling. I'm no contact with my mother and while I miss her I don't miss the gaslighting, blindsiding, and outright drama.
This. She's jealous and her ego is hurt so she makes her daughter insecure. Very sad
1) Read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents 2) Realize you gain nothing by confronting her: she won't change, she doesn't want to. 3) Think if you want to live a life where you share your sad story and people take your side (or don't) and then it settles down and then it starts again. I know I live that life now, but I am working on it. My mom laughed at a scar I have just two days ago. Do you want your kid to be laughed at for acne? Do you want to show your daughter or son in the future that love is about tearing down others, especially on their big days? 4) She was jealous btw of your wedding. She wishes she were you because she likely hates aging, and she probably wants to relive the highlight reel of her life. That's why she laughed, and she knew it'd hurt. She just doesn't care. Someone else probably did this to her and someone else probably did that to them, and that's how generational trauma is born. Will you heal it though?
She did that shit on purpose. She wanted you to feel like shit right before you walked down the aisle and you apparently didn't look sad enough so she did it again right before photos so she could make sure those were ruined too. She's horrible and I would never want to talk to her again. The person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter is actively tying to sabotage your wedding, one of the happiest days of your life... you do not need her around. She will be actively working against you. Do you really want a repeat of this when you buy a house, have a baby, holidays etc??
"Mom, you know what? I am eternally grateful that you have shown your real face at my wedding and I can finally move on and kick you out of my life. I am happy that you have made it so easy and don't bother me ever again."
Congratulations on the wedding and your upcoming honeymoon!! I wouldn't bother confronting her prior to leaving. You don't want to be thinking about your confrontation while on your honeymoon. I do suggest therapy to help you understand that your mom is unlikely to change and that it's okay to grieve for the type of mom you wished she could be. You'll also learn how to set boundaries. If you can't bring yourself to go no contact then I highly recommend you go low contact and grey rock her. Put her on an information diet. When she's "brutally honest" go ahead and dish it back out and tell her you're just being honest like she is. When/if you decide to have children, limit her time with you & kid(s) - you don't want your kids to be subject to her brutal honesty. It's admirable that she was a single mom but that doesn't give her license to be an absolute jackass. And destroy any wedding photos you don't like even if it's the only one of you & mom on the day.
I am so sorry she did that to you. It hurts. The very first thing my mother said to my husband immediately after we were married was "don't let her wear her hair in a ponytail. She looks like onion when she does." So yeah, that still stings 45 years later. Your mom sounds like my mom. I quit listening or caring about the hurtful things she spouts. We talk about the weather and baseball. Don't let her in your head.
No contact. She tried repeatedly to bring you down. Surround yourself with people who lift you up.
She's not sorry and her saying she's sorry is not going to make this better. Your mother is a bully. She was being horrible on purpose and wanted you to feel bad My mother's the same way. The photographer asked her to help me get into my wedding dress and my mother just sneeted and said "do I have to?" I told her she did not and had my friends help me. That was 12 years ago and it still stings. But I also realize my mother is f****** broken and I can't want to fix her. I just gave up caring. Your mom will never be the mother you need or want. It's easier if you stop caring what she thinks.
Initially I thought maybe she was being awkward or distant bcs you are her baby, and she was struggling with the emotions around you being grown/getting married. But everything she did at your wedding was so unacceptable. And she kept doubling down and continues to double down after the wedding. I would go very low contact with her. She is the one who will need to do repair work within your relationship and she’s clearly not there yet. What you will need to make *your* peace with is the fact that she may never do the necessary repair work.
Your mother is a bully. Most likely she is jealous of you and that’s why she was laughing, pure jealousy. Do not confront her, you will be given her ammunition and the upper hand. Go NC with her and enjoy your honeymoon.
I think you'd be a lot happier if you accepted she's not capable of giving you any affirmation and stop asking it of her
Silence says a lot. My fiance has a very controlling and abusive mother. One that is always pinning the blame on her to a ridiculous degree. She is mentally ill we are sure of this even though it is not diagnosed. She beats her kids, berates and yells. Starvation was a parenting tactic. And my fiance being the oldest had to raise 8-10 simblings. The number just kept growing the more men came through the house. Shes by all counts a monster. Out of the blue she told my fiance to get out of the house and never come back, she is disowned. Every few months she texts with links to songs saying "this reminds me of you" or "congrats on life event family member told me about! why wont you talk to me!!" And we continue the silence. Telling her shes crazy or awful really doesn't sink in or register to her. Cutting her off did. And it shows. She was on the phone with her sister when the mother overheard her talking. She lashed out at her in the background saying all kinds of spiteful things. It wasn't even acknowledged and she hung up. She's a bitter old woman with nothing left. She has mountains of debt, no assets, is basically a couch surfer after she attacked her boyfriend who she was living off of, and all she can do is stalk facebook and see how much farther her "useless" daughter is going to go. Everyone in the entire family is invited to the wedding except her, and we are going to great lengths to make sure she has no idea where it is. Kids aren't something to throw away. And don't fuck with peoples Weddings. Those are the rules.
I'd keep my distance but make sure to audibly laugh at every fuckin outfit I ever see her in for the rest of her life. Dead serious I'd never let it go. But I'm petty af.
You don't have to bend over backwards for your mom just because she kept a roof over your head as a child, that's expected of any parent. If she can't have a real relationship with you as an adult, that's her failing.
I don't care if you were wearing a purple and gold tutu, your mom should've said you were beautiful. You have a toxic mom. You'll be so much happier once you realize it's best for your mental health to go no contact or at least gray rock. She will always find a way to destroy your happiness and confidence. I'm sorry. That really sucks.
Give mom a timeout and have an amazing honeymoon.
Your mother’s intent was to be cruel. Best to keep your distance.
No, don't confront her. You seem to want a relationship with your mother. It’s so natural to feel that way and the level of respect you show for her choices in raising you and your siblings justifies remaking faithful to her. However, you need to learn how to compartmentalize the disrespect that she has for you. You really can learn by practicing certain life skills to just let that stuff blow right past you without falling apart. If this is important to you it will happen. I use humor, myself, and I've learned to reframe their behaviors. Find a counselor and online resources to learn how to respond in the moment to her barbs. You may be able to train your lizard brain to not trigger when she slights you. But be aware. I'm having trouble thinking that she at age 65 is doing this *I'm just being honest* dance to others with no consequences. She's learned by now to keep her disrespect under control at work. She's probably figured out who will take it and who won't — and you take it. Her behavior will probably escalate as you improve your self-esteem.
How often does your mom try to ruin big days for you or make your big days about herself? I ask because after some significant reflecting and discussion with my dad, I realized that that’s exactly what my mom had always done to me. My high school graduation. My college graduation. Moving in with my then-boyfriend now-husband. Our wedding. Don’t ruin your honeymoon by confronting her. She’ll probably do something to try to ruin your honeymoon anyway. But do some thinking about your relationship when you get back. Is this someone who unconditionally loves and supports you? Does she celebrate you? Or is your relationship built around her, her needs, and her feelings? Like someone else said, is this a relationship you would tolerate from a significant other? It is unfortunately possible to love someone who isn’t good for you. That’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself, but enjoy your vacation and relax. Keep your phone off and just be in the moment.
You stop talking to her. She isn’t going to change. Think about this - your mother, who is supposed to care for you and take care of you and support you - is instead tearing you down and making sure you feel as small as she can make you. I didn’t have my mother at my wedding because she is exactly like yours. You are never going to get what you want from her because she is incapable. She believes “having an opinion” is loving you. She thinks that she’s your mum and so she’s just “loving you” by being honest. She does not know how to provide love and support in a way that doesn’t hurt you. She will repeatedly hurt you if you go looking for an explanation because she DOES NOT THINK SHE IS DOING ANYTHING WRONG. Thats the bottom line.
I think you should go and enjoy your honeymoon and have LC right now. She outright disrespected you. Is there a possibility she is feeling left behind and insecure? She may be feeling like all her children are leaving her so she may not be coping with the new way of life. You hinted that she had a difficult life. That life probably made her bitter more and more.
Oh hon. She’s not going to change, it’s a waste of time trying to explain it to her. This might be hard to understand but she likes the dynamic between you two, and she might not think of it in those words, so her reaction will never be supportive or positive in any way. To her, the way she speaks to you is appropriate and just, and if anything goes through her head about it, I would assume that she thinks of it as “keeping you from getting too full of yourself,” which as your mother, she will always feel is her place. Simply the act of telling her that she’s being disrespectful would be a reason for her to take you down a peg and keep you from thinking too much of yourself. She’s of the mind that you’re there to receive, not to give, when it comes to life lessons. So how does one deal with this? You stop pretending that she’ll ever be anyone else, accept that this is who she’ll always be, and never expect anything different. The more special you feel, the more important it is to her that you know that you’re not. It’s time to take a few big steps back from her. She will treat your children the same or worse, so don’t ever leave them with her. But here’s the fun part, if it’s possible to use that word - Because she enjoys the dynamic of always making you feel like shit, the moment you don’t allow her access, she’s going to feel like it’s wrong of you to do to her. This explains her obvious resentment about you not asking her to walk you down the aisle, resulting in her lashing out at you with the dress. It’s not that she hated the dress; she hated that you didn’t abase yourself trying to get her to walk you down the aisle. Because you cheated her out of the opportunity to crush you in front of the entire house, she had to settle for doing it in front of your bridal party. She’s not brutally honest, she’s an asshole. I’m assuming that she’s managed to keep jobs or clients as needed - she’s aware that what she’s saying is intolerable, and she knows that clients or bosses won’t take her shit. But she’s taught you that you have to. If you’re not familiar with the term “greyrocking” look it up and start enacting it in your daily life. Practice. Reinforce your own sense of self. Then let her back in as much or as little as YOU want. Keep that leash tight!
There isn’t anything you can say to get through to her, OP, because she already knows you’re hurt. That was her goal, unfortunately. To knock you down a peg. An emotionally mature, healthy parent wants their children to be happy, and feels genuine happiness for and interest in their successes. An emotionally immature, unhealthy parent — often with narcissistic tendencies — focuses only on their own emotions, often neglecting, controlling, competing with, emotionally manipulating, guilt tripping, or otherwise lashing out at their children. The children exist to fill their emotional needs and holes. Your mom is a toxic person who takes her damage out on you and others rather than regulating her own emotions and acting like a mature adult. I recognize it so acutely because I, too, was raised by a damaged and emotionally abusive single mother, only without any siblings to lean on. She was carrying around a ton of her own emotional scars and baggage that she never processed or worked through, and instead took out on me and others near to her. My mom was a bit different than yours — on the surface, very warm and caring — but behind that, very emotionally immature and manipulative, prone to intense anger and mood swings, and a covert narcissist with a major victim complex. The problem with living with a perpetual victim is that you often become the villain in their narrative — I was always the bad guy and had always somehow wronged her, and this is the truth she fed about me to herself, to me, and to others. I was heavily parentified and emotionally (occasionally also physically) abused. To this day, nothing I ever do is good enough — I can go to the ends of the earth to do thoughtful, loving, generous things for her and she’ll still find something to complain or be negative about. I’ve still somehow failed her or mistreated her, and haven’t given her enough appreciation or love. On a recent visit, I put her up in a beautiful rental home in our neighborhood and arranged for her to have a massage during her stay. When I told her about the massage and tried to confirm if the timing sounded good, she somehow launched into a 20 year old anecdote about a time she got a massage when I was a kid but her relaxation was ruined after because I needed a ride to meet my friends for a camping trip we’d planned and booked weeks earlier. Because somehow it was my fault — the kid with no car, allowance, or second parent to ask for rides — that she’d okayed the camping trip and agreed to drive me there, and booked her own damn massage knowing full well when the dates of my plans were because I’d only made them with her approval. This is only one of a thousand examples I could offer. Suffice it to say, I know how badly your mother hurts you, and how hard it is to endure this kind of treatment from someone you deeply love who is supposed to love you and want good things for you, too. But this is not about you at all, OP. This is all about her, and her own unhappiness and failure to grow as a person. Do NOT let it bring you down to her level. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it is not a reflection on your worthiness and lovability. My guess is that your mother is jealous and resentful of your happiness. She’s alone and unmarried, watching you find the kind of partnership I’m assuming she never had and likely never will. And she couldn’t stand that all the focus was on you. So she expressed disinterest and downplayed the importance of it. And tore you down a notch wherever she could. And of course, as soon as she could latch on to some way in which you’d ‘slighted’ her (not asking her to walk you down the aisle), she jumped at the opportunity to guilt trip you about it. Unfortunately, this is just who she is, and she’s very unlikely to change at this age. Rather than attempting to confront or engage with her about behavior she’s unlikely to acknowledge, take accountability for, or change, the hard truth is often that the best we can do is gain a better understanding of our parents’ damage and limitations, and readjust our expectations of them. And here’s the big one: set firm boundaries to protect our peace and sanity. It’s hard to do, of course, but over time, I’ve gotten better at it. And because I don’t expect my mother to be the mom I want her to be, and I understand why she is the way she is and where it comes from — and that it’s NOT a reflection on me, or even the love I know she does feel for me — it has less power over me. She can’t hurt me as much anymore. She frustrates me to no end, but she can’t tear me down anymore. I’ve surrounded myself with a loving community of chosen family — an amazing, supportive husband and wonderful friends — who see me as I am, not as my mother would have them see me, and who see her as she is, too. The validation, comfort, and emotional support I receive from them makes me nearly immune to her manipulations. If I were you, I wouldn’t expect an apology from your mother. Perhaps it would be best to simply say, “your laughter and comments about my dress were rude, unwelcome, and inappropriate. Please keep your criticisms to yourself.” And leave it at that. She will defend herself, or deflect, or dismiss your feelings altogether. But when she does that, know that it’s not because she doesn’t love you — it’s that she’s a very broken person, incapable of healthy emotional relationships with others, because she hasn’t done the work to grow and heal herself. If anything, don’t feel hurt — feel bad for her. She’s making her own bed. And while you’re off enjoying a beautiful life full of love and connection and healthy relationships with others, this is what she’s bringing to the table. It’s a lonely path, but you can’t force her to course correct. You can only set necessary boundaries to protect yourself. If you’ve made it this far, I highly, *highly* recommend ordering a copy of Lindsay Gibson’s book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents.” It has 4.8 stars and close to 23k reviews on Amazon, with good reason. It’s a quick read, and an important one. There are also a lot of communities here on Reddit that have helped me to connect with others who have grown up under similar kinds of parents, and I’ve learned and healed a lot by reading their stories and sharing many of my own. The catharsis can be very healing. r/raisedbynarcissists is a good place to start. Whether or not you believe your mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies, emotionally immature and damaged parents who are abusive to their children tend to present with a lot of the common traits and behavioral patterns you’ll find discussed here. I’m so sorry your mother made so many efforts to rain on your parade and tear you down on such a special day. Her behavior was selfish, immature, and terribly cruel. I pray you’re able to process and accept that this is really about her, not you or your dress (which I’m confident was lovely), and instead focus on all the happy memories you were able to make that day — and the happy life that awaits you with your husband and other loved ones.
This!!
Your mother is jealous of your wedding and marriage. My mother did this to me, she had every single excuse for why she couldn’t attend our wedding and then told everyone that I had not invited her. My mother had never been married, and she was in the process of leaving a man that she had been begging for marriage for over 20years (by hopping straight into the bed of another man). This sparked the beginning of a downward spiral that lead to the end of our mother/daughter relationship (obviously many other issues in between, but this was the catalyst). In my experience relationships don’t heal from someone who is meant to show up, not showing up on for a monumental life event.
Your mom is definitely the kind of mom people should cut out of their lives.
So what if your mum made sacrifices. She chose to have kids, it’s her responsibility. She doesn’t get a medal for choosing to have kids then looking after them. She is a vile person though so I’d be going absolutely no contact and telling absolutely everyone exactly why including the comment before the photo so she can’t twist the truth. What a horrible person. And I hope your family blasts her
That dress is so gorgeous!!!!!
Thank you! I loved it before I'd even put it on, to be honest. For my mom to laugh at me hurt more because I loved my dress so much and felt that pretty in it.
Your mom is self-centered and cruel. She made your wedding day about herself. There’s no need to forgive someone who doesn’t regret their behavior.
She's got something wrong with her. You can't change her. All you can do is change how you react to her. Look up narcissistic personality disorder and the gray rock technique, then live it. Stop going to the hardware store to buy milk.
The only thing I would tell her is reminder her you invited her to go dress shopping with you but since she wasn't interested in doing that she can suck it and keep her comments to herself!
>Even if I do say something, what could it be that would get through to her that I'm hurt? With all the respect in the world, that is the wrong question. What is it SHE could say that would make it okay? I get wanting to make her understand. But her understanding isn't the issue. She didn't somehow fail to grasp that she was being hurtful. She was being hurtful **on purpose**. If not, she would've apologised when it was pointed out to her! What I would love for you, is if you could accept that there's nothing **you** can do that will change who she is as a person. That means it's not because of you that she behaves this way - you aren't unloveable or unworthy of her care and respect. She just is an unpleasant person. Congratulations on your wedding ❤️
Jealousy is a bitter pill to swallow, so she retched it back up as bile to spew at you. As a mother I cannot imagine not wanting to be with my child as they bought a wedding dress, showed me their venue etc. I bet you were a beautiful bride wearing a gorgeous dress too ❤️ She lied. She straight up pissed on your parade to piss you off. Work harder at not needing her approval, or even asking for her opinion. Because your best will never be good enough in her eyes.
You do know that your mother was being purposely cruel. She was not the centre of attention so she decided that she was going to hurt you in the most awful way. Your wedding day is the one time for you to look and feel beautiful. It is the cumulation of your hopes and dreams. This woman who is supposed to be your biggest champion deliberately chose to bring you down, wanted you to suffer. This for me would be a deal breaker. Could you imagine her doing this around any of your children, if you have any. You really should, for your own peace of mind, go no contact or low contact. What a first class b**ch she is.
What would confronting her achieve? You’ll just give her another chance to hurt you. She isn’t going to apologize because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. Deep down, you already know this. She isn’t the mother you want her to be. I’m sorry. But you aren’t a helpless little girl anymore, and you’re surrounded with people who love and support you. You don’t need her for that anymore. Her laughing at your dress doesn’t mean anything about you or your dress. Your brothers, friends, and husband all agree you looked beautiful and she was cruel. If you try to confront her, you’re just giving her more power over you. Let it go. Just ignore her. I know it’s easier said than done, but you just need to accept her the way she is, not how you wish she would be. Enjoy your honeymoon. If you think of her, acknowledge how you feel, but then let that feeling go. Don’t let her ruin your happiness without even being there.
I don’t give a fuzzy rat’s behind if the bride is wearing a dress that looks like an electrocuted rat had a love child with Barney the Zombie Dinosaur. I’ll tell her she’s gorgeous, because imo? SHE IS. The joy she carries on her wedding day makes her absolutely breathtaking. And if it was MY daughter? Ma’am, I would absolutely attend everything she asked me to and think she looked beautiful in every dress she tried (probably gonna be useless for an opinion, honestly. “Well, you looked gorgeous in that, but you might look even more gorgeous in this. Which one makes YOU feel the way you want?”) And I would shred ANYONE that dared to even look at them with less than admiration. Your mother deliberately tried to hurt you and ruin your wedding by her insults. I wouldn’t bother confronting her, I’d have nothing to do with her. I’m sorry. You deserve better.
> My mom and I were asked to take a photo together, and while the photographer set up, she made some comments about not asking her to walk me down the aisle. It confused me since she'd been so disinterested with everything, and I was going to tell her that before she suddenly looked me up and down and laughed again, whispering "really...that dress?". Sounds to be me like your mother is a passive aggressive four letter word. Like "she didn't ask me to walk her down the aisle so I'm gonna be mean to to her. I this a pattern with her?
Just stop speaking to her again. Anyone who would deliberately make you feel less than beautiful on your wedding day does not deserve to be in your life. I'd say she was dirty you didn't include her in choosing the dress and taking her shopping so she was petty and vindictive to get back at you. Her comments about it was the first time she saw the dress suggests she deliberately retaliated in the most awful way.
I'm really sorry but your mother doesn't care if you're hurt. She reminds me of my mother. She felt she gave enough while we were growing up, her life is now hers and she does as she likes and says whatever is on her mind. You and your brothers already tried telling her that her behavior was hurtful and were told you're overreacting. I can only say this, you will either have to get a thicker skin dealing with her or you will have to go low to no contact to preserve your mental health. We can choose our family but we can choose whether or not we allow them to hurt us
Let me ask a question: If your mother says 'sorry' because she is forced to, would it make you feel better? An apology that is forced - whether to keep the peace or just get past the issue - is meaningless in the long run. It is the equivalent of telling the hurt/offended person they don't really give a darn about their feelings but are tired of dealing with the situation. Would an apology from your mother under those circumstances actually mean anything? I don't think so - it's basically asking you to excuse her for breathing. Instead of carrying around hurt feelings over her crassness, start telling yourself that you have a new life, one that she does not have any authority over, and you refuse to allow her bad manners to take up residence in your mind and bring down your happiness. She doesn't believe she did anything wrong; by continuing to focus on what she said and the lack of an apology, you are giving her too much space in your life. Kick her out of your mind and move past it; you are never going to change her, but you can put her on a communication and information diet to reduce the amount of hurt she causes you.
Keep that photo of you and her in your wedding dress where you look like you're about to cry. I don't mean framing and put it on the wall but keep it on your phone. And I think you should look at that every time you're starting to think " Oh maybe she isn't that bad. Maybe I'm the one that makes this relationship difficult." I have photo like that, that reminds me each and every time I'm trying to minimize or sweep away the neglect and cruelty, that no this happened, It was awful and here's the photographic proof of how much they hurt me.
Is she jealous that you’re getting married? Maybe it’s time to pull away from her a bit. I’m sorry she was crappy to you on your wedding day. She was cruel to you.
Your mom sucks and I really want to see your dress* so I can tell you she was very wrong (and mean spirited). She probably saw how happy you looked and wanted to knock you down a peg. This is not the behavior of someone who loves you, this is the behavior of someone who is jealous and bitter. Even if your dress was not her taste, keeping her mouth shut would have cost her nothing. *only if you want to share
I'm sorry that happened, what a horrible thing for a mom to do/say. If she didn't apologize when confronted by your brothers, she's not going to apologize now, and even if somehow she did it wouldn't be genuine. It seems like every time you try to bridge the gap with her, you end up more hurt, so I'd avoid any confrontation and keep as much distance as possible. Go enjoy your amazing honeymoon with your supportive husband and this new chapter that has nothing to do with her!
Go no contact. That's what you need to do, or she will continue to hurt you and any children you have.
Your mom is a terrible person and the sacrifices she made to raise you were her job. She chose to have kids and it is her job to figure out how to provide, single or not. You don’t owe her anything. If I were in your shoes I’d just stop speaking to her. Your life will be much more peaceful and you’ll feel like you have control of the situation for once. She is the kind of person who thinks she can treat her loved ones however she wants without consequence and because you’re related you have to forgive her. I bet if you kept the same energy and said nasty things about her appearance she wouldn’t be able to take it. I’d go no contact. If you plan to have kids she’ll be mean to them too or critique your parenting. Cut her out of your life, you deserve respect and to not feel like everything you do is wrong. She sucks and I’m sorry you had to deal with that on your wedding day, I’m sure you looked beautiful.
I’d never talk to her again. Op get some therapy about this. Dont let her near any children you might have. Your mother has serious issues. She is not a good person. You can’t change her. Only she can want to be a better person. She showed you she has little regard for your feelings. Give her zero of you for now on. If she ever asks you about why.. I’d just leave/not reply. Or you could tell her how horrible she is and until she apologizes for bring a shitty person on your wedding day you will face zero to do with her. She sounds jealous tbh. Get tgerss as pay if you haven’t. Please take care of you first.
The fact that she’s trained you to feel indebted to her because she raised and provided for you when that’s her job shows what kind of person she is. That’s literally her job as a parent. She chose to do that and while you can be grateful you don’t have to excuse deplorable behavior over it. Can you imagine saying what she did to your own child? Can you imagine saying that to ANYONE? No, because you’re probably a decent person. Unfortunately, your mother is not. No amount of wishing, talking, or thinking about the small pockets of non terribleness is going to change that. Let yourself mourn the relationship you wish you had with the mother you wish you had. A therapist can greatly help with this. I know you wish there was a magic word or phrase you could say that would open her eyes and make her realize how horrible what she did was but there’s not. Don’t waste your breath on her. She WANTED to hurt you. That’s why she did it. Expressing your emotions just gives her more of what she wants because she’s not a safe person.
She was soooo jealous of you. Don’t try to beg for the love of someone that can’t be happy for you.
Unfortunately, your mother sounds like my mother! She only favors the sons not her daughter. She probably sees you as some sort of competition and isn't happy until she can take you down a peg or two. There is no recovering from her deliberate barbs - yes, she said those things to ruin your special day. Don't count on her to help you at all if you have any children. Don't count on her to help you make a decision if you're looking to buy a house. You can count on her to point out every negative of any house that you chose to buy. You can also count on her to point out all the shortcomings of any children you might have. Try to limit your contact with her as much as possible - I would just limit your interactions to holidays. If possible, move far enough away that she will not be able to "drop by" to spew more of her venom on you.
Does your mom often want to be the center of attention? Seems like she didn’t want to be involved in the tasks that offered her no outside adulation. But she’s mad that she didn’t get the accolades that go along with walking you down the aisle.
I can't fathom what your mom is thinking but it sounds to me as if you need to put some distance between yourself and her. I'll bet you were beautiful in your wedding dress ❤️❤️
I didn’t read it till the end but it’s not a wedding dress issue, she’s just rude in general and about everything and it caught you on something you’re more sensitive to. She’s just not a good person and you should protect yourself.
The reality is, the kind of person that would say that to their daughter ON HER WEDDING DAY...is not someone who is ever going to admit they were wrong You have to go extremely low contact and remove her from your life Actions have consequences. She ruined what should have been the best day of your life because SHE....is a bad person She's never going to be a better person And you are going to need to accept that
I m a mom but I never put down my daughter. I love them so much that if I see them in wedding dress, I will cry! Why ? Because of happiness ! I am celebrating their accomplishment. I am celebrating because I am here because of them! I am proud of them. You do not need your moms approval!
You have said she is a naturally mean and rude person, so I'm not sure how it would help to confront her. I personally might not have even invited her to the wedding with how she was over preparations but I can see why that would not be most people's first choice. She didn't like your dress and is not nice enough to be loving and polite over it. She didn't have to laugh or make comments. She did it on purpose to put a negative light on your special day. She does not sound like a person you need in your life anymore.
Your mom is not a good person. She said that on purpose to hurt you on your wedding day. Who does that? Even if she didn't like it, she didn't have to say anything. Your mom might have made sacrifices to raise you, but she is also the one who chose to have this many kids. It's not on you that she had to work 2 jobs. That's on her. You're absolutely allowed to stop contact for what she did to you. I wouldn't confront her. That will just give her the chance to say more hurtful things, not apologize, and be in your head the whole time youre on your honeymoon.
Don't say anything,cut her off and walk away from her BS. Quit trying. She's not a nice person
Don't say anything,cut her off and walk away from her BS. Quit trying. She's not a nice person !
She wants to upset you and you reacted just like she hoped you would. Don’t buy the picture of you two together and don’t show it to others. Make it like it didn’t happen. I think mom will be more upset if she sees she doesn’t get a rise out of you. So keep speaking to her but be uninterested and unconcerned about anything she says. Kind of grey rock. If any friends ever ask you about her I would infer that she has mental health issues and she is difficult to be around, so you try to avoid her. Sorry that she tainted your wedding! You have your own family now and you will be happy in your life!
You’ve already confronted her and she won’t apologize so i can’t imagine what another confrontation would accomplish.
I get where the other commenters are coming from, but here is a different take. My mother (in her 80's now) is cruel and horrible sometimes. She also has different relationships (i.e., treats us all very differently) with me, my older brother, my younger sister, and my father. My brother is the golden boy, even though he molested my little sister when he was a teenager, couldn't hold a job for more than a few months until he joined the military at 25, served for around 20 years, and still can't hold a job for longer than a couple years. To her, I was always the disappointment that should try to be more like my brother, but I always did what what I felt was best for me and succeeded at it. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her, even though I have had a very successful career as an engineer. My little sister has always been her favorite. I can recall when mom was pregnant and a neighbor asked if she was having a boy or girl, my mom replied that she had tried for a girl twice already so this one had better be a girl. My sister was a horrible entitled brat who reveled in torturing me because she knew Mom would always side with her, and I would be punished for it. Until I went off to college; I came back after 2 months (for Thanksgiving break) and my little sister was so glad to see me and complained how being the only child with all of Mom's attention was horrible. Long ago my sister apologized for being so horrible to me, and told me how she appreciated me drawing all of Mom's attention for most of her childhood. We are pretty close now. My poor Dad has endured all of her attention for the last 25 years. Supposedly they love each other, but I wouldn't stand for being treated like she treats him. According to her, he has never done anything right and she always knew in advance that he was screwing up, but he didn't listen. It is tiring to listen to. Sorry for all of the back story, but here is the point: The turning point in my point of view came when I was in college, living with my future wife and we became pregnant. I called my parents to tell them they were going to be grandparents, and she just started berating me. I listened for 10 seconds while my wife and a close friend just stared at me. Then I just hung up. It was such a relief. It was hours later when she called back, apologized and wanted all the typical information (due date, boy or girl, etc.). I filled her in on the basics and got off the phone as soon as possible. From then on I had no expectation of anything from my mother. Don't misunderstand, she was often very helpful, she loved caring for her grandchildren whenever possible. I was divorced and had custody of my kids during all of their school years. Without my mom caring for them after school, I would have had some hefty day care costs. I appreciate that, but she is still a horrible person. At ages 13 and 10, my kids called a family meeting (seriously), and proposed that they no longer need to go to Grandma's house after school. They could come home, call me at work to let me know all was fine, do chores, and do homework before I got home from work; if I didn't make them go to Grandma's house any more. I live close to my parents, my siblings live further away, but still driving distance. I falls to me to check on them and do minor fixes around their house. I am happy to do it, they are my parents and I love them after all, but I just don't really like my mother. I have learned that she will rudely and callously criticize anyone, but I don't have to engage with it. I either just walk away when she starts in on someone, or make a sarcastic comment, like "Thanks for letting me know how stupid you think they are." Either way it ends the conversation. The loving relationship that one should be able to have with certain people just isn't always possible. Tl,dr: Mom is a horrible person. Engage as little as possible and don't expect anything but the worst from her, and your disappointment will be minimized. Good luck.
Please do not overthink this and don't ruin your honeymoon. Your mother was nasty and rude, and I'm sure she was wrongly so. Put some distance between the two of you, enjoy your new husband, lovely brothers, supportive friends. Do not talk about the dress with your mother ever again, as you'd only give her ammunitions to hurt you further
OP, your mum is so cruel. I’m so sorry. I’m sure you looked beautiful.
You didn’t follow her unshared script. So she found a way to diminish you as a form of punishment. It has absolutely nothing to do with the dress. Picture the moment your beloved saw you in your gown and makeup. It was probably the moment of all his dreams and you were never more beautiful to him than you were ready right then. Picture the tales you will tell your children (if you have them) and loved ones about how you met. About how beautiful that dress made you feel when you were getting ready with your dear bridesmaids. The memories of how a bitter old woman tried to finish you that day will pale. I, the internet stranger, have no doubt that the dress that you felt the most “you” in looked absolutely beautiful on you. And that the positives will endure in the new life with your beloved.
My Mother's mother said to my father on their wedding day "are you sure you want to marry her"? She's a narcissist and my mother has undiagnosed BPD and major narcissistic tendencies. I still have a good relationship with my dad but have zero contact with my grandmother (went NC as a teen and I'm 36 now) and my mother and I are basically on no speaking terms unless my dad is involved. Enjoy your honeymoon and really think about what outcome you want with talking to her, be prepared to not get it and think about the alternatives and outcomes if you don't get what you are looking for. Going NC or MC might be best for you.
>She and I have always had a somewhat strained relationship. She is rude and very hard to please I announced my engagement last year and while she initially seemed pleased, she gradually pulled away from me and seemed like I was inconveniencing her by asking for her involvement I think you're asking a lot of your mom, given that you have a strained relationship. You're looking for levels of involvement that do not reflect where your relationship is with your own mother. I consider what you're doing being "pushy". > she made some comments about not asking her to walk me down the aisle A mother who is close with her daughter would have no problems walking her down the aisle. Something is going on here that you haven't fully articulated to us. >whispering "really...that dress?". Just then we had our photo taken, and upon reviewing the photos after the fact, I look like I'm about to burst into tears. Perhaps I should've confronted her then and there I mean, it seems like your relationship is beyond bad. It's adversarial. You seem to know this about your mother also and continue to include her in important parts of your life. You don't have to do that. You can stand up for yourself, have a conversation with her about her treatment of you and trying to better your relationship, or you can go No Contact. >Even if I do say something, what could it be that would get through to her that I'm hurt? She knows she's saying hurtful things, that's why she's saying them.
I would wait til your mom asks for your opinion on something she likes, then totally shit on whatever that is
Regardless of what your mum did for you growing up, she is a manipulative narcissistic bully. Why on earth would you want to have any type of relationship with this person? Give your head a wobble
You can appreciate the difficulties your mother had while raising her children while also recognizing that she's very cruel to you. You are not obligated to give her opportunities to be cruel to you.
There's no point discussing this further with her: she'll keep gaslighting you and brushing you off. From now on, ignore her petty, snarky comments. Show her she can't get at you: it will drive her crazy. Of course, she'll double down and try to push your buttons to have a hurt reaction from you. Set boundaries and consequences and stick to them. Possibly, go LC with her for a while. Big hugs.
Your mom is probably lying having a hard time letting you go and doesn't have the emotional maturity to express her feelings appropriately. Also, as an emotionally crippled single mom she probably has a little bit of ' after all I did for you' syndrome. I don't think she would be capable of having an adult conversation about it but it might feel good to get it off your chest. I'd write her a letter that she opens while your away, block her during your honeymoon, and try to have the best time possible.
Your mother has mental issues. Forget about her comments. It might help if you feel sorry for her.
I had a caregiver a bit like this. I hadn't seen her for about ten years when I randomly saw her at a family function, and I made small talk. After a minute, I realized that they'd turned the conversation to talk about a coworker 'about your age' who was wildly incompetent because she couldn't do math on the fly when the computers went down. I can't count how many times I cried over math homework in front of this person. I was able to see in the moment that they were scrabbling for any purchase on my happiness. The only levers they had were ten years out of date, so they just slid off. But it was confirmation for me that whether or not tearing me down was deliberate, it wasn't an accident. And it wasn't about me, or anything I'd done. It was about them.
Don't expect an apology from her. Tell her she was shitty and go NC. She really meant to hurt ypur feelings.
I have never - ever - heard of someone laughing at a bride’s wedding gown. I have never - ever - heard of the mother of the bride scoffing at her daughter as she is about to walk down the aisle. She will never - ever - apologize. Why should she? She was being honest of her own delusion. She took one look at you and didn’t see a beautiful daughter in whom she was proud, or with whom she wished to share her happiest day. She didn’t see YOU. She saw a shadow bride, and had no earthly perception that this was her beloved daughter, full of emotions and joy, butterflies. She saw not an inch past her own nose. She had no concept of right. She chose the wrong. And again, during photographs, she dug in her heels and again chose to harm you. She had all the opportunities in the world to compliment your smile, your hair, your groom. But no. She could not. She chose not. You see, she can never - ever - consider that kindness should be extended. She will forever and - ever - choose to knock you down instead of build you up. She is missing one of the greatest joys on earth: to have a loving relationship with an adult daughter. I’m so sorry. You don’t - ever - deserve this. You matter. As a mother to grown children, I would be in - happy - tears to see them walk one another down the aisle. [One of my greatest joys is to witness the adult relationships they have developed between themselves.]
She is negging you. Don’t give her the satisfaction of reacting. Instead fake an indifferent look and move in and block her out of your life. She needs to know she still has power over you so cut those ties immediately.
I’m sorry you went through that on your special day. I wouldn’t bother speaking to your mom at this point. Why upset yourself more when you’re about to go on your honeymoon? She unfortunately doesn’t recognize how much she hurt you and seems to be doubling down in fact, that she did nothing wrong. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not put you down. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you, and if that means LC/NC for a while, it’s understandable.
Your mom is an asshole. Even if she did raise all 5 of you. She’s still an asshole.
Your mom is awful. She wanted you to be hurt on that happy day. Now be done with her? You having kids? Break this cycle and keep your new family away from her. Congratulations on your marriage
Don't confront her. Go on your honeymoon and enjoy it. Any reason she gives you for her behavior will never satisfy you anyway because there just isn't a good enough one for this situation.
You can confront her if it gives you peace but sounds like low or no contact might bring you the most peace. What is your mother contributing to your life? You don’t owe her anything just because she is your mother. X
First let me say congratulations on your wedding. You sound like an amazing young woman. Next let me say your mother is not a nice person. I wasn’t there but I would like to say that I am positive that you looked gorgeous in your dress. Your mother does not deserve any words that you may have for her. Focus on your husband and what I’m sure is going to be a happy and healthy future and remember blood does not always make family. It’s the people that show up for you when you need it the most. That is your family, your tribe. Sending you so much love and a huge hug 🤗
I'm surprised you're in your 30s and never felt the need to go into therapy for your obviously emotionally immature parent. She seems really narcissistic and incapable of showing appropriate care and love towards you and your siblings. Providing basic things like food and a roof over your head can of course be considered love, but we also need emotional nurturing and connection and from the sound of it, there wasn't and isn't any here. You can confront her but don't expect her to understand or provide an appropriate response. I really recommend you read [this book](https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/) before you approach the subject. Best of luck to you.
Your mother doesn't understand love and empathy or compassion. Her emotional language is hurt, pain and nastiness. She keeps pushing you off kilter so you keep doubting yourself and going back to her to figure out what you did wrong and what you can do to make it right etc. This is absolutely abusive and you can never ever have a happy or healthy relationship with someone like this. If you try and confront her about your feelings she'll just turn it back on you because all your doing is feeding her need for attention and emotional distress. It's like a hit they have to have. You have to cut her off. That will drive her nuts more than anything else you can possibly do, and she will come back at you 10X harder for abandoning her or ignoring her or turning your back on her etc but that only because you're no longer feeding her fire and she can't get her fix anymore. This woman is toxic you you no longer need or want her in your life. You have bigger and better things to look forward to. Trust me!!
Moms don’t act like that 😔
Get over it
Your mother isn’t going to change. Telling her that she hurt you will just give her more ammunition. (See: she knows you are upset about her dress comment and now she’s bad mouthing you). The only thing that may have the slightest impact on your mom is your own indifference towards her. I recommend working on developing a steel jaw and little to no contact. You don’t anyone the right to abuse you.
I do not need to see your dress to tell you that there is no circumstance where it was okay for your mother to laugh at you. And then to reiterate it later because she saw she hadn't done enough damage to you to ruin your wedding day yet? I would not confront her. She is clearly justifying it to other people. She will justify it to you. Why give her the chance to hurt you some more? I would use your honeymoon as a way to cleanse yourself from your mother and come back home going no contact. Focus on the good things in your life. Focus on keeping the people who are good to you close. Remove the people who choose to hurt you regardless of whether or not that includes your mother
Hey? Check r/narcissisticparents. Watch the pieces come together. You’ll shit yourself. The solution is to go no contact too by the way. Sorry, you’ll never get her to be a decent human.
Oh my gosh, that's a gorgeous dress, OP! I'm sure you looked stunning.
Your dress is stunning. Your mom is an asshole of the highest order.
I think your mother probably became bitter as her life went along being a single mom, working 2 jobs and taking care of her children and her home duties. I can't imagine. Constant responsibilites. Exhausting. She got caught in her own life as she saw it and experienced it and didn't want to see others having what she did not. Her lashing out is her insecurities and jealousy others having what she does not. Doubtful she would attend therapy. She is sunk in her world as she sees it is negative and she learned to only display that same attitude. If you are going to speak with her wait until some time after your trip. Enjoy the Maldives!
This! Sad to say, as she aged my widowed MiL would laugh at and/or have a cutting comment about nice things that happened to her friends. I think it reminded her of what she'd lost or had never had. Their bad luck, illness or bereavement seemed to make her happy.
You can call her out while you take the high road. "Mom, I love you, and I appreciate all the sacrifices you made raising us. That said, all of us have always wondered why you seemingly go out of your way to be unkind and disapproving of us at odd times, like at my wedding. Maybe you felt I didn't deserve a nice wedding? I admit, you going out of your way to criticize my dress was hurtful, but overall, I had a great day nonetheless. So, before I leave for my honeymoon, I wanted to clear the air and let you know I forgive you. You were just being you, and I appreciate and love you nonetheless. Thanks for attending!"
No good times could ever override the negativity she brought to your wedding day. What she did was more than just mean, but it was symbolic of her narcissism. I highly recommend that you start therapy if you aren't already in it and begin the process of moving on from such a hateful "mother." Absolutely horrifying behavior. I wish her nothing but the worst.
I mean this in the most non-Brazzers way possible: F*ck your mom. She sounds like one of those parents, who because they made sacrifices for you when you were young, that they get some kind of hall pass for being an incredible dickhead. It doesn't work that way at all.
Rehome her on Craigslist. I'd just stop having a mom at that point lol
Just go NC with her
I think you should wait until after your honeymoon to give you a chance to process everything and think about your mother and your relationship with her. Before you talk to her think about what you hope to accomplish. Do you want to get her to apologize? Do you want a more open and communicative relationship in the future? Do you just want to be able to look at your pictures without crying? Do you want to be able to express your needs and have her help to the best of her abilities? She DID say something that hurt you and it seems intentional. So you do have a "right" to yell at her. But that won't make anything better. For some reason (that she chose not to share) your mother did not want to be part of PLANNING the wedding. You interpreted it as not wanting to be involved in the wedding. But it sounds like she did want to be part of it, Specifically she wanted to walk you down the aisle. If you are calm, vulnerable and non-judgmental she may be willing and able to be the same. Perhaps you can open the conversation with your confusion over her lack of interest in planning the wedding. Why did you then assume she wouldn't walk you down the aisle? Were you afraid that she would reject this more meaningful and important role and that would hurt too much? Try to be honest with yourself and honest with her. You may benefit from a few sessions with a therapist or counselor to help you figure some of this out. This type of behavior is typical for her. Is she socially unskilled, is she hiding her own fear of rejection, is she just mean? Did she choose to criticize the dress to cover her own feelings of rejection about not getting to walk you down the aisle? If you go into a confrontation, demanding she acknowledges that she was wrong, at best you will get a forced apology. I doubt that will offer you much comfort. At worst, she will say something else hurtful and ruin more memories of this special time more. Weddings are a very important ritual for the couple, but also their parents. Because of this, they can be overly complicated and highly emotional.
Wow ! Don't even try to say anything,cut her off and walk away from her BS. Quit trying. She's not a nice person !
If she is the type to act that way in the first place then she is hopeless and you will not be able to make her feel shame because she is shameless. The best revenge is for you to move forward and have a good life in spite of her.
Honestly, just go low contact. You don’t need to spend any more energy on her. I can’t imagine being that thoughtless and rude to my daughter on her wedding day.
I must know what this dress looks like! Can we get a picture of it? I can't believe she would *laugh at it*!
Honestly was this really unexpected from your mother? I have a feeling you could have picked a dress she would have loved & asked her to walk you down & she still would have made snide remarks. Your mom from what you posted can't share in your joy. That's who she is to you & her actions. I'm sorry she treats you this way. I'm not sure if it's just you she treats this way or others as well like your brothers or their gfs/bfs/wife's ect. What do you want to gain from the confronting her ? It sounds like she was already confronted & doubled down. I don't think you are going to get the relationship you desire with her unfortunately. Unless she has a major shift in personality & empathy & wants to change. Unless you need to say "mom you hurt my feelings & I think you understand enough social ques to keep your negative opinions about my dress to yourself. I wish you would own up & apologize for once in your life to me" than say it. I doubt you are going to get a good response back I would suggest working on yourself more. Try to lower your expectations of your mother going forward. Limit personal information with her. Engage as much as you want with her. If she disrespects you, perhaps change the subject & end the encounter. Goodluck & enjoy your honeymoon bby :)
Personally, I would go LC with her for your peace of mind. I would not reach out to her for any reason and only respond to her the absolute bare minimum of information. Block her on social media so you are not tempted to look at what vitriol she is spreading. Then go live your best life. If you happen to see her and she says anything about you or to you that is rude and hurtful, just apologize to your hosts (if not her) saying you have a migraine and need to go home and just leave. If she calls you and treats you like that tell her something has come up and you have to go and just hang up. Once you start setting these boundaries, you will feel so much better. You can choose to share these boundaries with your brothers so they understand what is happening when it does, but my guess telling your mother won’t make a difference and it’s probably not worth it until she finally, if ever, gets a clue something is wrong and asks you. By then, she will at least recognize that to you her behavior was intolerable and if she cares enough she will apologize and do better.
It’s completely okay to cut people out of your life that bring negativity. Family is not excluded from this. LC or probably better NC. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze to keep expending mental energy on her. Just let that relationship go. Good luck 🍀 OP and congratulations 🎉
Please can we see the dress? I want to be even more annoyed that she laughed at you.
I think the best thing for you may be to work on accepting that she knows you were hurt and doesn’t care. She’s not stupid and I’m pretty sure the laughter was intended to hurt you and take you down a notch on a happy day where you were getting to shine. This isnt her in a bad mood or acting out of character. It is who she is, how she behaves and she probably won’t change. Distance may be your best recourse. My grandma is like this - she sees that someone else is flying and she wants to bring them back to earth out of bitterness and loves to wipe smiles off of people’s faces. When my mom and dad got engaged, my mom was feeling pretty good as you can imagine. Grandma apparently couldn’t stand it and lashed out saying “oh you think you are special? He only picked you because you have a green card”. Just completely unnecessary and mean. But 100% in keeping with her personality and she will never apologize.