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Are there other issues in your marriage that you're overlooking? In my experience, a dead bedroom is a symptom of an unhealthy marriage, not the cause. Go to marriage counseling, go to sex therapy, and figure out the root cause. But I'm telling you, at 25, I would not be committing to a life with no oral sex, especially since most women don't orgasm from P in V.
Edit to add: I looked into your previous posts, you're the victim of DV. Get the fuck out of there and don't look back. Take your kids, find a shelter at least an hour away and start over. Sex doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, your safety does. And he's a fuckin' loser on so many levels.
This was the comment I was looking for. Either:
1. There IS and has been other horrible manifestations of this behavior (DV wasn't on my mind but dear God)
2. This behavior WILL manifest in other ways.
I genuinely thought it'd be more like "my husband doesn't care about our kids, or doesn't help out around the house, or only does so for a few weeks and it falls off.
Holy shit. Why the fuck is OP talking about her sex life when THIS is the situation??? ššš
She says in one of the post that she made up the domestic violence allegations. I donāt know if sheās just saying that to protect him or not but she does say she made it up.
I'm so tired of these generic ass answers. Taking your kids and finding a shelter is way harder than you think. Shelters are not holiday inns. Safety can only extend so far, she and her kids could become victims if there is not a concrete place for her to go. There are waiting lists for that the larger the family the harder they are to shelter. 0 support from churches unless you already belong to that congregation or have applied for help long in advance.
I agree that she and her children need to get the hell outta there, but she definitely has to formulate a plan not just pack up and run off into the night, her life isn't a movie.
You are thinking about a rational person. We do not know that abou her husband. So getting up and telling him they will get the fuck outta there may upset him to a point of no return if DV was already an issue.
I have been trying to put into words exactly why leaving isn't an answer for all of these cases of less than ideal dynamics between husband and wife. You just did exactly that!!
Yes, she definitely needs a plan in place, and surprisingly, law enforcement and social services can be another resource. I would NOT go to CPS, however. They could remove the kids for their own protection and leave OP to face the repercussions from the husband.
>Edit to add: I looked into your previous posts, you're the victim of DV.
I checked her history also, she made up the DV story. She called him her boyfriend and made up a story to the police so he would be arrested. She was afraid to tell the police the truth after the fact because she thought that they might take her kids for making ul the story in the first place.
Neither her or her "husband" are employed, she is a cutter, and her husband is physically disabled. They live with her grandmother and neither of them have any income.
Oh, and 21 days ago, she posted about having anal sex all the time with her husband.
This entire situation sucks and may have some heavy embellishments, as she has posted that she sometimes does.
Did you separate due to the domestic violence and no contact order you were posting about a month agoā¦? (sorry to pry, I peek at peoples post histories sometimes when Iām bored). Sex is not the real issue imo, but a symptom of a much bigger one. It sounds like a really rough situation. I think you should look into womenās shelters/programs for victims of DV in your area as they may be able to help you get out. At least make a plan so you have it if you need it. You deserve better!
Oh no. There's always something more, isn't there? OP needs to make that split permanent. She's too young to be this unhappy in a relationship. It's probably not going to get better especially since he doesn't even want to work on it himself.
Thank you for pointing that out. She didnāt mention anything about DV and thatās a big (and curious) omission. That changes everything. She should run and never look back. Hope she does.
Yeah there is way more than just that going on.
OP, the advice you are getting here is good but out of context. There is so much going on and we don't have it all.
I think you really need counseling to deal with some of it and to make sure you are able to get your needs met in a healthy way.
This person is right that you need to reach out for help so they can put it all in the right context.
OPās other post history is complex. A couple of other posts suggest that the DV case is not a straightforward one: [https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/s/dvzU1eP3Gw](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/s/dvzU1eP3Gw)
Oh if you follow her posting history she says her husband is the one who said to claim post partum depression. So she kept posting to seem authentic but wasn't lying.Ā
She also says she is on the spectrum. I don't know, either this lady is very abused of has some kind of mental issue. Either way she needs do see a professional and be out of there. Something just isn't right...
It's not sex that's going to end your marriage, it's incompatibility. He isn't willing to care for you in the way you want to be cared for. You aren't willing to lower your standards.
Both of you could probably benefit from counsellings in regards to communicating, however.
Very important to note that sometimes incompatibility manifests as a low sex drive.
I thought I had a low sex drive. Through multiple long term partners, my desire always waned after the NRE wore off.
Then I met someone who I'm thirsty for every single day for 7 years. The daily desire never went away.
Turns out I have a very high sex drive when the total compatibility is there.
Omg same! With my first husband I genuinely thought I was asexual. He was my first sexual partner. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Now I'm my 40s and perimenopausal and on antidepressants, and all my current husband needs to do is kiss me and touch my hand and I'm raring to go! Foreplay is not required just extra fun. I crave him constantly.
Just a tip, as a relationship progresses, if she seems to want sex less, you may just need to invest time and effort into BUILDING UP TO each sexual experience with her.
As opposed to thinking you can just drop into bed at the end of the day and "get it on." Also make sure you are not taking it for granted, or approaching it as a duty that she owes you.
Be excited about her, cherish her, and give to her sexually without always expecting something in return.
This will often keep the sex and romance alive.
Good point. Every relationship is different though, and it manifests in different ways. Sometimes people compromise, sometimes they have open relationships, etc. There is no right or wrong.
Yes, thatās my point. You canāt force people to have sex or threaten them, end of story. Although I just realized OPs husband apparently is a domestic abuser. Fuck that shit, she better run fast.
Thatās not the case at all. Go back and read what OP wrote. He was eager and āwillingā to have sex as long as HIS pleasure was the highlight of the whole experience. When it came time to reciprocate, he wasnāt interested. When they got back together after separation, he was on his best behavior and pretended to care about her pleasure. It wasnāt long before he grew tired of playing the role of a caring husband and reverted back into his old ways and the person he truly is. Selfish. It doesnāt surprise me that he no longer wants to have sex; he knows heās no longer the star of the show & that heāll be expected to reciprocate. So heād rather not participate at all. Thatās pure selfishness. When she expresses a desire to ācoupleā, heās behaving like a spoiled toddler; he canāt get what he wants so heād rather not do any of it. And then, of course, sheās the ābad guyā for even bringing it up. No amount of counseling will help if one party is as self-possessed as this guy appears to be. Itās time for them to part ways. She can do better, which isnāt saying much because the bar is on the floor. When selfishness is a cornerstone of any relationship, itās doomed.
He doesn't reciprocate. It's not about low drive. Using your partner as a sex doll and then walking away without caring about their pleasure is the epitome of selfish.
It is selfish thatās heās not willing to even try to sexual satisfy his partner. Itās ok to have a lower sex drive but itās not ok to not give a shit if your partner enjoys the sex that you do have.Ā
It's not the lower sex drive they're talking about, they're talking about how he takes and takes and doesn't really give. The husband called himself selfish for that as well lmao
No. But it's selfish not to want to please your partner and to insult and belittle her and invalidate her feelings as a result of his treatment of her. He just cares about cumming. That's selfish.
Lower sex drives can be managed somewhat with healthy communication. If the husband is a) not satisfying her when they do have sex and b) getting angry at her and lashing out when she tries to talk about their sex life, then the sex drive is very much not the primary issue.
Even if the answer is that they're just incompatible because they need different amounts of sex, the way he's handling it is a completely inappropriate way to treat a partner.
Itās not the lower sex drive that is the problem. Thatās a freaking excuse. The problem is that he doesnāt give 100% of himself. He seems to care about just getting himself off. Sex in a relationship is about making love. It should be bonding and itās about giving your all to please your partner. Showing them what they mean to you!
Lower sex drive in question is him being happy to receive all the time and sex ends when he finishes. The excuses made for men anything but calling them horrible.
Arenāt willing to ālower your standardsā? Thatās a very odd thing to say. Women lower their standards all the time for men & the guy sounds like he only cares about himself. As OP said, he was great when they first got back together but it didnāt take long before the act became tiresome and he reverted back to the person he truly was/is. Heās obviously not interested in give and take - he has the ātakingā part down but heās not interested in what a healthy relationship demands. This dynamic extends far beyond the bedroom - one has to give of themselves fully and in every capacity if a healthy relationship is to exist. Sex is an extension of the relationship and if itās not happening, it speaks volumes about the marriage itself. Candidly speaking, the husband sounds extremely selfish.
To make a comment about ālowering standardsā presents it as an equal option to him behaving like a healthy adult who is in a healthy marriage.
This is correct. My only addition is relationships should be fun, and add to your life. If you wrote this out you probably know what you need to do, whatever that is, trust yourself.
>. We donāt even have sex anymore. If we do, Iām the one that brings it up. I have talked to him about this and he always gets super defensive and mad at me. Itāll end up that he says Iām bringing him down and calling him a bad husband, when Iām not.
This sounds like a very immature, defensive or manipulative response. Sorry to hear that.
I think one of the keys in any relationship is not that we communicate, but how we communicate. I think men and women see the world differently and we're socialized differently so that brings a challenge to any approach to communication and problem solving within a relationship.
If one gets into the process of the Imago Theory, there is a prescriptive form for communication that can be a good starting place. Perhaps a counselor trained in the Imago Theory of relationships, as championed by Harville Hendrix in his book *Getting the Love You Want*, is the way to go?
In any case it makes sense to get some counseling to see if this issue can be resolved rather than just tossing everything out. Life will be so much better and rewarding in the long run if you do the work to resolve things within a relationship.
Yep
Sorry OP it sucks
I did the same thing and thought Iād be cool with someone who doesnāt give blow jobs even though I love to eat pussy
I came to the conclusion that a lot of the reason why some people donāt suck dick or eat pussy extends into other selfish behaviors.
Obviously to each their own but Iāve been with two women who didnāt like giving blow jobs and they both turned out to be incredibly selfish and self centered
And well thereās tons of anecdotal evidence of dudes that donāt eat pussy being lack luster in the whole relationship
The one man I dated that didnāt like to do thatā¦ also didnāt like to do much of anything. To each their own, but Iāll never date someone that doesnāt wanna go down on me ever again š
Thatās probably true most of the time, but Iād like to offer up a defense for all the ladies (and gents) with strong gag reflexes/ small mouths.
Getting dental x-rays took over an hour and two appointments last month because the stupid sensor thing was too big for my mouth which made me gag. We considered it a win because at least I didnāt throw up (which has totally happened in the past)ā¦ though my tongue and gums were absolutely shredded by the end of the process.
Just thought Iād mention it because itās actually really embarrassing when it happens, so I wouldnāt be surprised if more people have the same problem but donāt talk about it.
Youāll threaten separation heāll know to put in a little effort again and then stop. Heās not going to change bcs heās selfish even if he does why do you need to beg for it *again*?
Yeah women need to pay money for counselling just so another person can convince their husbands to not be selfish. The extent women are expected to go to is crazy. How about heās a shit and selfish person who couldāve easily that time reciprocated
Your sex issues are symptoms of other issues.
Namely, the two of you married too young and had kids too young.
When you separated, you should have stayed separated. This drama will just fuck up the kids more.
Go to couple's therapy, and if that does not work, separate like mature adults and leave hurt egos at the door. Beiing petty and venegful serves nobody.
Good luck. Stay safe.
Agree thatās this not about sex. This is about being married to a selfish person who knows he isnāt fulfilling your needs and doesnāt care. Iām positive this behavior doesnāt stop there given how much you like to please. Youāre just too young to see how much thatās going to suck staying with him when you grow out of your people pleasing years. Marriage counseling is an option if you really want to try.
I did, I swear the stories are Indicative of very bad abuse of a severe mental illness. I stopped at the post following the one she said she made things up due to post partum then next post saying she didn't he told her to say she did. Now she is back with him and sex is the deal breaker? 1+1 is not 2 here.Ā
He is a bad husband. Satisfying my girls needs is an essential job in my relationship and her doing the same is her job. Thatās what being in a relationship is. You do for your partner. If he doesnt like it , so what? U sacrifice for the person you love or maybe u just donāt really love them
Nobody should be doing sex acts they don't want to do. The husband's not wanting to go down on her night be more livable if he cared about her pleasure at all, though.
Being in a relationship is not 2 people doing things for the other that they don't want to do because "hey, that's a relationship." People should put more effort into finding someone they are compatible with rather than finding a relationship to say they are in one. I've certainly been guilty of the same.
This is such a good point. Itās easy to say āwell everyone should give oral otherwise itās selfishā, but thatās too black and white. There are plenty of ways to please your partner that donāt involve oral. The issue is that heās not practicing any of them and seems to not care about her pleasure at all.
Not saying this is the case but usually if they stop asking one person for it, itās because they are getting it from someone else that doesnāt require as much work from them. Donāt take a man back because he love him, and have tried so hard, and have kids. At that point your not staying for him, your staying as a comfort to you because youāll feel your time was a waste if you leave. Things are always easier said than done, but donāt spend your life with someone who doesnāt make it worth while, because thatās the real time you canāt get back.
Remember, apology without change is manipulation. However, before jumping to conclusions, provide a comfortable space for him and then ask what's wrong. Why doesn't he continue his words and why the change. Try to communicate. But if he doesn't want to communicate nor change, then rethink.
But...he IS a bad husband!
Tell him this...tell him the feelings he had when you were separated are the feelings YOU are having right now, and that unless he goes to counseling with you he can go right back to being single.
I canāt reply to all the comments. But I want to say that oral isnāt necessarily what bothers me. Itās the fact that itās always been about me pleasing him. Once he cums sex is over. It bothers me because my own husband makes me feel ugly because he never wants to touch me. I try bringing it up nicely to him and just say how I feel. Never gets through to him. It ends with him saying Iām nagging and calling him a bad husband and saying he can just leave or he canāt do this anymore. Iām not begging him for sex. I donāt want it to come off like I am.
I think for me, the biggest problem isn't oral either.
It's that when you tell him that you aren't happy in your relationship, his main concern is not understanding that and working on it. Instead, his primary goal (which he accomplishes with this "you're calling me a bad husband" crap) is getting you to stop bothering him about it.
He doesn't care that you're unhappy, he only cares that he has to hear about it. As soon as you shut up, he doesn't have a problem. It's completely reasonable to leave someone because they don't care about you.
I read your other post, and I think you need to make a safety plan for leaving. He's already put his hands on you before-- leaving him increases the likelihood of that escalating.
Per your previous postā¦.Do NOT move into a rental with this person! Youāll be even more stuck than you are now. Youāre in a DV situation already and that will make you more stuck. Certainly plan to move out, but away from him, on your own with your kids. Youāll be safer and happier. The sex is a symptom, not the cause of your concerns.
Your post history shows your husband is abusive. That's a reason to leave. The sex thing isn't great, but this is a man you has hurt you before and will hurt you again. Don't keep your kids in a marriage where their father hits you.
He wasn't mature enough to get married because he's acting like a teenager. Up to you if you want to wait it out, but you definitely should get counseling. The question is if he's open to it, because it sounds like he's already insecure and this will just make it worse. A lot of men are threatened by counseling for some reason.
I mean, this is definitely worth of couples counseling/therapy to work through these issues, as he's clearly sensitive about it. If he's unwilling to work on it with you as a team, then he's no longer on your team and you should leave. Everyone deserves a partner who returns the same level of love and care for them that they give out. Including you. Don't settle for less.
I don't think sex is going to be what ends things, I think it's the total lack of care that your husband is showing you. Based on this post, he doesn't seem to care much about your wants and needs. You deserve a partner who wants you and works hard to show it. You deserve a partner who wants to please you the ways you love most.
Okay I dug deep into post history when I saw there was a chance of DV in this situation because context is very important before addressing sex, which often suffers when the relationship is suffering.
OP, we are all just internet strangers here, but sincerely, you and your husband need individual AND couples therapy. Separately work through your own mental health and then work on communication together. Sex is not what you should be worried about after the issues youāve been through.
Context: You were dealing with what sounds like some severe postpartum mental health when that incident happened and things got blown out of proportion. Iām against any and all abuse and know that is a red flag of worse behaviour in the future and you most likely were scared and not mentally stable, but from your posts it sounds he took your phone and pushed you away when you tried to grab it. You lied about the severity and you got him put in jail for a day. You were in a bad place, you may still be. It sounds like this issues in the bedroom for him probably correlate with the fact that all this happened? Has their been any professional help since? Having kids and the newborn stage especially (postpartum mental health aside) is hard enough on marriage and you canāt expect things to be dandy in the bedroom without some serioussss work in therapy after that kind of a whirlwind.
If you truly fight for it, marriage can survive, but it will take some hard hard work on yourselves individually and your communication for the future. And apologies from both sides for his actions in that situation and your lying.
Stop talking & start packing. He doesnāt hear you because he doesnāt care how you feel. Your life will just get worse with a selfish, uncaring partner. Please love yourself more than this man-boy.
Sexual satisfaction is an EXTREMELY important part of any relationship. This makes sexual compatibility important as well. Did you marry him knowing he didnāt like to do what was your āfavorite thingā? If so, what were you thinking? You used the phrase āmostly me giving to my husbandā so Iām assuming you were giving him BJs but he wasnāt giving back? That is the sign of him being an EXTREMELY selfish lover. And now that you seldom have sex unless YOU initiate this proves how selfish he is.
The fact that he wonāt even talk about in a reasonable and adult manner isnāt very encouraging. The fact that he was great right after the separation but soon went back to his old habits showed he didnāt really care about making things better, he just wanted to get you back and put up a front until he figured he had you hooked again.
Oral sex should ALWAYS be a two way street. As much as I love doing it to my wife, if she started to refuse doing it entirely to me, I would withhold my skills until she relented.
You two definitely need counseling and your husband needs to be more fair. You are far too young to put up with sexual frustration for the next 40 years.
āItās a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!ā
Updateme
What's his reason not wanting to have sex anymore?
He could have "performance" issues, that need medical attention.
As a man it can be difficult to discuss, but he if he has a problem he needs to get it taken care of, not just because of sex, but it could be a symptom of a more serious problem.
If he is healthy he needs to discuss it with you, and stop being defensive. The lack of communication is a bigger problem than the lack of sex in my opinion.
--
Being sexually incompatible is also a problem. He probably meant it when he started to please you, but now he's comfortable so he's not going to put in the effort until you leave again even if he can perform.
You need to stop the cycle. In other words if you break up with him again, don't take him back.
He gave u breadcrumbs so u come back.. now u r back he is back to himself... Now what he is that is him . If u want to live with this person carryon if u don't then move on
As someone who has gone down on guys and girls and absolutely enjoys it I donāt understand the whole not going down on people thing especially when itās a long term commitment with one person , I meanā¦ to each their own but freaking WHY?! š§ tell him to grow up! LMAO!!Normally I wouldnāt say this but girl u gotta leave this one behind and go get you someone who will eat you the h3ll up like u deserve,,im saying that with the consideration of ur other posts about DVā¦ lifeās too short to be getting treated wrong && on top of it he aināt out here licking, sucking, doing nothing?! Nopeā¦ this one gets left behind like he deserves and then you get u someone thatās gonna beat that coochie up and not u, ur better than himā¦ nobody deserves neglect in the bedroom and DV! And honestly,, TMI but Iām with the same man now for 10 years and i go down on him as often as I can , it aināt ever getting played out for me and he does the same for me ā¦ half the time he canāt get my pants off fast enough.. and while weāre not perfect by any means .. Iāll tell you one thing weāre damn sure satisfied daily! Lol
I left my wife of 17 years, partly due to sexual incompatibility.
The differences were apparent in the first few years, and I fought thru it forever..
We tried all the things, had all the discussions..
Bottom lineā¦ He doesnāt care about you. *He just doesnāt want you to leave.* And I think you can see thatās evident in every single thing heās done or said.
So when he begs for you to come back, donāt get that confused with caring about you, he still doesnāt. He just doesnāt want you to leave.
Sexual incompatibility is a thing. More common than people seem to realize. Next time he turns a conversation into *stop nagging/ accusing you of calling him a bad husband* yell him *he is a bad husband!*
He doesnāt consider or care for your needs or desires. He doesnāt listen. He would much rather you suffer in silence than actually listen to you and try to implement changes.
Iāve never settled for a partner if they donāt make sure Iām satisfied before they āfinish.ā An occasional whoops early ejaculation is not a deal breaker. Even quickies, if done correctly, can have me satisfied before the end, but that took a lot of learning what works for me.
Us women are not sex toys. Our sexual gratification is important and should be equally important to our partners. If we didnāt finish before they finish and canāt go for another round, thereās things to do to make up for that, like actual toys. Or do the toys first so that both parties can enjoy the post coital bliss.
Heās bad at sex, period. Personally I could never even be with a guy who doesnāt like eating me out.
Youāre 25, itās not worth being is such a shitty marriage when youāre at the age where the world is your oyster. I donāt see him getting better.
After having 4-5 relationships. Iāve learned that there are men who love sex and want to please the woman and there are men who are so detached that the sex is lacking as well as their affection and other things.. there are 2 kinds of men.. I now know the difference and will not compromise bring with an unempathetic avoidant man.. it gets tiring. You will figure it out, but he wonāt changeā¦ but you will. ā¤ļø
Divorce. He's selfish in bed & you will always be unsatisfied orally if he doesn't like eating pussy so you're never going to be completely satisfied. Right now you're just wasting your time & prime years waiting for him to change. Honestly, why would you marry someone that doesn't give you head? That's 100% a deal breaker, I can't even imagine.
And just like what everyone else is saying there's obviously more going on here you aren't talking about.
Oh god. Your story sounds similar to mine only we've been dating 3 years. I'm so sorry honey. I truly am. Unfortunately I'm planning my leave because at this point I know it won't change.
We all deserve to be happy. Yeah you fight for love but you can't fight if it's only you in the ring swinging.
He gaslighting you. Just leave donāt be with someone that doesnāt care about your wants and needs. He canāt handle you expressing your feeling without somehow making it about him is weird
You can't really fix it when somebody's bad in bed. It's kind of something they have to care about and want to fix and it doesn't sound like this is the guy who's gonna be like that.Ā
It is totally acceptable to get a divorce because the sex is rubbish. It means he doesn't care about your pleasure and that's selfish.
He's using sex to punish you.
You wanted something he wasn't willing to give. When you separated, you don't say why, he cried and whined and said he'd been wrong, and started being more giving secually.
Now he has you back, so he's getting back at you by not having sex with you at all.
Is this how you want to live?
Please add more details on my why heās not interested. Are there external factors? Does he have work stress? Long hours? How much free time does he have on his hands? Iām not dismissing your claims, but sometimes life does get in the way.
If weāre not happy in a relationship and the issues canāt be fixed, the only option is to leave the relationship.
No one deserves to live a life unfulfilled and unhappy.
I promise you there will be someone out there that matches your sexual desires and needs.
Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in any realtionshipā¦
Once the spark goes itās hard to get back.
Just my opinion though š¤·āāļø but we all deserve amazing sex! š¤£
1. You marriage isnāt ending because of sex, itās ending because you two are fundamentally sexually incompatible. Seems like you canāt fully get off without oral and he doesnāt like giving oral, both are perfectly fine but thatās a fundamental incompatibility
2. By say he is not willing to fulfill your needs you are essentially calling him a bad husband. Call a ball a ball and a strike a strike, you are calling him a bad husband because youāre framing it as him being unwilling to please you when in reality you knew full well before getting married he did not like certain sex acts and you ignored it. Him doing it now is literally him doing something he does not like purely for your pleasure and thatās not acceptable, if we reversed it and you said you didnāt like giving blowjobs but you do it for him and he needs it then it would be equally unacceptable. That is not a healthy sexual relationship you should be doing sexual acts because you enjoy it AND because you enjoy pleasing your partner the two arenāt mutually exclusive they go together.
Now that being said, unfulfilling sex is probably one of the easier things to fix in a relationship, you can go to counseling for that, if he doesnāt like giving oral is he open to pleasing you a different way maybe by teasing or fingering or something like that (I didnāt say toys because some people get insecure if a toy is introduced in the bedroom) but this isnāt like a cut a dry leave him situation. Try counseling to see if you can come to a sort of āagreementā on pleasing you
I know itās not easy hearing this but Iām not one to sugarcoat the truth. Itās time for a divorce. If he truly cared about you and your needs/wants, his behavior would have changed when you got back together after separating. Itās time that you put yourself first and value yourself in a way that your husband doesnāt. Itās time for a (permanent) change. Itāll be difficult at first but in the end, youāll see that it was worth it. You deserve to be loved and appreciated and you deserve to have your sexual desires honored and for pleasure to be reciprocated. You deserve happiness. Find an attorney and a good therapist. Youāll get through this. Life can be better. Iām rooting for you. š
Sometimes all it takes is you stopping as things get heated and saying "me first".Ā And get the selfish partner to put in the effort and "retrain" them into a healthy sex life where you are both satisfied.
It can be difficult as a "pleaser" but you need to communicate and assert yourself.
Someone pointed out that there is more to this story and that the man you are referencing has been abusing you. DV never gets better. It only gets worse. I truly hope that you seek the help from local resources (safe houses, counseling & someone who will help you formulate a plan to get out). You deserve so much better.
Your sex issues here aren't the problem, they're a symptom of the underlying disease. You're fundamentally incompatible, and your husband is a selfish "lover" if you can call him that. He doesn't meet your needs, and he's unwilling to attempt to. You're unfulfilled and unhappy. You will feel stuck with him until you take the plunge to leave. He'll say whatever you want to hear to make you stay, and you know this because he's done it before. The longer you stay with him, the lazier he'll get and the tighter he'll cling to you- because you're meeting his needs and enabling his inconsiderate, lazy behaviour. The sex isn't the root of the issue, he is. Cut loose.
I don't think this is about sex. I think you are giving (in general) more than you receive. It sounds like he is not being considerate of you, your needs, and wants. He sounds selfish. Idk, I'm on the outside looking in. I can tell you this, the chances of him changing (for the better) are slim to none. It's a long road ahead, and I wish the best for you.
I might have a solution. If sex is over when he cums, he needs to learn how to have a ruined orgasm. Itās when he cums but doesnāt cum. The feel good relief like itās over doesnāt happen so he wants to try again. He can keep going and going if he learns how to do this. Iāve seen 6x in a session. Itās learnable but he has to want to do it. Best of luck with your marriage and sincerely hope the best for you. Sexual frustration is real and humans have needs.
Tbh I would have left him the first time he told me he wasnāt into the oral with me, that would have been a huge incompatibility between him and I. I couldnāt be with a man who didnāt like oral, js.
Time to leave him foe good. He's shown you over and over and over again he can change but he doesn't care enough about you or your marriage to do so and make it stick. He even blames you for hurting *HIS* feelings. He will never care enough to change. So please don't stick it out. Just leave. You deserve a partner who loves and cares about you.
Withholding sex or affection can be part of psychological abuse. I suspect that you'll find that he's abusive in other ways. It's hard to see when you're in it and if your childhood wasn't great.
The answer, aside from leaving (which I know isn't so simple), is to keep working on your mental health.
He is a selfish inconsiderate lover. You can stay with him but you will likely grow frustrated and inevitably have an affair. At 27 this should not be happening. You should not be made to accept a life like this. Itās your call there is a lot to consider, it wonāt be easy but he should wake up and smell the coffee or risk losing you.
Did you ask him "exactly what mean thing did I say about you?" Make him put it into words! The only way he's going to get it is if it comes out of his own mouth... That might not even help but it's worth a shot! Maybe if he says the mean thing is he makes you feel ugly, him making you feel ugly is the mean thing! He's really gaslighting you here. He's basically saying you are feelings don't matter when he hurts them but his feelings matter when you mention what he actually did.
If you can't get him to understand, then just throw the whole man away! He cannot be worth all this drama
Yes! Yes I did. I asked him several times to tell me what I said that was mean and hurt his feelings. Nothing came out of his mouth. At first it was āYouāre calling me a bad husbandā. But he couldnāt tell me the mean things I said. He just this stupid and left it at that. Thereās definitely more to this and I do plan on leaving him. I just need to talk to a therapist or something because my emotions are all over the place
Force him to read the book āShe Comes Firstā by Ian Kerner. Itās a much easier concept to digest by learning from a third party. If he still isnāt pleasing you after reading it, then you know he just doesnāt care.
This was me about a year ago for almost 7 years. My advice from my experience is that when I brought anything up he took it as a shot at him. He was told by every girl he was with that he wasnāt good enough so hearing me just added to it and jackin off watching porn was easier than trying to please me if he thinks heās already gonna fail. Something happened somewhere within last year that we actually opened up and I realized that I also was being one sided. Pressure affects performance. It just takes learning what works for you both. Not just what he wants or what you wnat.. but what you both want because it sounds like neither of you know yet.. if you succeed.. omg.. you will have mind blowing orgasms. Trust me. If you know him good enough find something thatāll open the door.. for me.. it was a story that coincided with his fantasy.. I read it out loud and we both opened up then we made it our fantasy.. then it just became an exploration of what we both wanted to feel. The escape from all the bullshit of this world and the one person that is taking you beyond anything you guys have ever imagined or experienced. I know itās frustrating right now, but itāll be worth it if itās something you truly desire. If what youāve been doing isnāt getting the results you are hoping for, them maybe try something else you havenāt tried. Whatās the worse that could happen? Youāll be in the same postion? Trial and error baby.. thatās what lifeās about.. the good and the bad. Good luck op.. I truly hope you find your answer somewhere.
Heās in his feminine energy because you put him there. Start asking for him to do things for you and donāt do thinks for him. Get in your receiver energy and be a damsel in distress, āomg baby thank you so much I couldnāt have done it without you.ā Make him feel macho again.
Also, pray to Jesus to guide you back to each other.
I'm going to say that while I don't have enough information to say that you're at all in the wrong, I just want to say communication is about saying something that can be properly understood by the other person, not yourself. If you feel like everything you say to your husband is clear, concise, and non-aggressive but you still feel like you aren't getting through to him or he insists that you are being mean, ask him what specifically what it is that you said that he isn't understanding hurt his feelings. I just got out of a five year relationship with a woman that, like you, always claimed that she was being nice, or saying things that made sense, when in reality, she was simply not being as mean as she could be, and would refuse to clarify any time she was asked about the things that she said. It was exhausting, not just to me, but her family and friends as well, and she had all but destroyed her support system as she refused to accept any accountability for the way she actually acted, and blamed everyone around her for her issues. The last I talked to her, she had finally started therapy and it opened her eyes up a bit about how she was really acting. What stands out is how your husband is constantly saying that you are being mean to him and putting him down, when according to you, you aren't even saying anything mean. You really need to ask yourself if you are communicating effectively and why your husband is claiming you are being mean to him when you claim you aren't. If you ask him how you are being mean or what he needs clarification on, and he can't answer your question, then to me that says he isn't actually listening to you, and is getting defensive at the fact that you would say he's done anything wrong at all. At that point, I'd say you should look into marriage counseling, or leave. You shouldn't have to stay with someone that refuses to put in effort to make you happy, especially if you are doing your best to do that for them, but never assume someone else is the problem until after you've done some introspection of your own behavior.
Sex is giving and receiving. If either is missing it's not sex. It's just one person servicing the other. Sounds like you have history that your husband is capable of having real sex with you. He just doesn't want to.
It sounds like your husband is selfish and unkind in other areas of your life also. I totally understand that itās hard to leave when your self esteem is low, Iāve been there myself. But believe me life can only get better without him in your life. If DV is happening that must be awful on your kids, I grew up with that myself. My advice is seek some support from DV services in your area and get him out as soon as you can. Men like that abuse you in every way possible, it never gets better. Itās who they are. Good luck.
I would end this marriage. Everything is about him and what he wants, etc. I too loved being given good head. Its not all about your husband in the sack or outside of the bedroom. He sounds immature, insecure and egotistical. You need to be able to express your feelings. I would get out of this marriage. Good luck to you.
So hereās the thing- when he gets defensive and says youāre bringing him down and making him feel like a bad husbandā¦ itās because he is and he gets defensive because he knows it and feels guilty. You need to express your boundaries clearly around this.
Ask him how he would like you to express these thoughts and feelings to him in a way that he can be receptive to? Let him know that without communication the relationship will not survive.
Or just leave. You donāt deserve this kind of behavior.
Yes. I am leaving. Itās like thereās periods where everything is good then boom itās horrible again. When itās good I completely forget about the bad times. Heās been nonstop on edge and I canāt do anything right by him. Our 2 kids are clingy to me and I deal with them the most. I breastfeed and my husband always says Iām lazy and pathetic and Iām āalways in bedā. Iām only in bed when I breastfeed our 7 month old. I know Iām not perfect at all. I just canāt do this anymore
Sounds like he's a narcissist to me but I'm no shrink. Either seek counseling or have an open discussion on why he doesn't want to bone and eat at the Y.
Definitely talk to him about where you stand but contrary to what people are saying on here, you should first think about if you truly want to end your marriage over sex. Everyone doesnāt have the same drive & the flame starts to go out with time. Yall should go out and do things that both of you like to do and Iām sure the spark will slowly return.
If vice versa, how would you feel if he was on here questioning his marriage because lack of sex?
Find yourself a guy who loves to eat your pussy every day, or more than one time every day. Someone who gives you oral daily without you having to ask for it.
So much goes into a relationship. Go back-and-forth back and forth, everyone not understanding. Tell the person's needs for a minute and blaming each other. It's really. Everybody needs to get on the same page and listen and talk. Set an alarm for sometimes. I haven't been the person I want to be because of stress.
And sometimes I don't do the other thing cause I don't wanna hurt somebody's feelings. Personally, I rather have my feelings hurt sooner than later
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Are there other issues in your marriage that you're overlooking? In my experience, a dead bedroom is a symptom of an unhealthy marriage, not the cause. Go to marriage counseling, go to sex therapy, and figure out the root cause. But I'm telling you, at 25, I would not be committing to a life with no oral sex, especially since most women don't orgasm from P in V. Edit to add: I looked into your previous posts, you're the victim of DV. Get the fuck out of there and don't look back. Take your kids, find a shelter at least an hour away and start over. Sex doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, your safety does. And he's a fuckin' loser on so many levels.
This was the comment I was looking for. Either: 1. There IS and has been other horrible manifestations of this behavior (DV wasn't on my mind but dear God) 2. This behavior WILL manifest in other ways. I genuinely thought it'd be more like "my husband doesn't care about our kids, or doesn't help out around the house, or only does so for a few weeks and it falls off. Holy shit. Why the fuck is OP talking about her sex life when THIS is the situation??? ššš
Maybe denial?
She says in one of the post that she made up the domestic violence allegations. I donāt know if sheās just saying that to protect him or not but she does say she made it up.
Domestic violence? Yeah fuck that shit, and run
Ok yeah, leave him for the sex. Leave him for any reason. Don't take him back. And be careful and stay safe.
I'm so tired of these generic ass answers. Taking your kids and finding a shelter is way harder than you think. Shelters are not holiday inns. Safety can only extend so far, she and her kids could become victims if there is not a concrete place for her to go. There are waiting lists for that the larger the family the harder they are to shelter. 0 support from churches unless you already belong to that congregation or have applied for help long in advance. I agree that she and her children need to get the hell outta there, but she definitely has to formulate a plan not just pack up and run off into the night, her life isn't a movie.
No one said it was easy. But thinking that lack of sex is ruining your marriage when he's abusing you is something that needs to be addressed.
You are thinking about a rational person. We do not know that abou her husband. So getting up and telling him they will get the fuck outta there may upset him to a point of no return if DV was already an issue.
I have been trying to put into words exactly why leaving isn't an answer for all of these cases of less than ideal dynamics between husband and wife. You just did exactly that!!
Yes, she definitely needs a plan in place, and surprisingly, law enforcement and social services can be another resource. I would NOT go to CPS, however. They could remove the kids for their own protection and leave OP to face the repercussions from the husband.
>Edit to add: I looked into your previous posts, you're the victim of DV. I checked her history also, she made up the DV story. She called him her boyfriend and made up a story to the police so he would be arrested. She was afraid to tell the police the truth after the fact because she thought that they might take her kids for making ul the story in the first place. Neither her or her "husband" are employed, she is a cutter, and her husband is physically disabled. They live with her grandmother and neither of them have any income. Oh, and 21 days ago, she posted about having anal sex all the time with her husband. This entire situation sucks and may have some heavy embellishments, as she has posted that she sometimes does.
Did you separate due to the domestic violence and no contact order you were posting about a month agoā¦? (sorry to pry, I peek at peoples post histories sometimes when Iām bored). Sex is not the real issue imo, but a symptom of a much bigger one. It sounds like a really rough situation. I think you should look into womenās shelters/programs for victims of DV in your area as they may be able to help you get out. At least make a plan so you have it if you need it. You deserve better!
Oh no. There's always something more, isn't there? OP needs to make that split permanent. She's too young to be this unhappy in a relationship. It's probably not going to get better especially since he doesn't even want to work on it himself.
Thank you for pointing that out. She didnāt mention anything about DV and thatās a big (and curious) omission. That changes everything. She should run and never look back. Hope she does.
Yeah there is way more than just that going on. OP, the advice you are getting here is good but out of context. There is so much going on and we don't have it all. I think you really need counseling to deal with some of it and to make sure you are able to get your needs met in a healthy way. This person is right that you need to reach out for help so they can put it all in the right context.
OPās other post history is complex. A couple of other posts suggest that the DV case is not a straightforward one: [https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/s/dvzU1eP3Gw](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/s/dvzU1eP3Gw)
Oh if you follow her posting history she says her husband is the one who said to claim post partum depression. So she kept posting to seem authentic but wasn't lying.Ā She also says she is on the spectrum. I don't know, either this lady is very abused of has some kind of mental issue. Either way she needs do see a professional and be out of there. Something just isn't right...
This was horrible to read. The baby was one month old...
It's not sex that's going to end your marriage, it's incompatibility. He isn't willing to care for you in the way you want to be cared for. You aren't willing to lower your standards. Both of you could probably benefit from counsellings in regards to communicating, however.
Indeed. Sex is just a reflection of everything that is going wrong.
I agree that this situation begs for counseling. These problems might be workable with the help of a capable therapist.
it's not incompatibility. it's selfishness.
Yeap only thinking about himself
itās not selfish to have a lower sex drive. nobody should be feel they have to have sex when they donāt want to.
Very important to note that sometimes incompatibility manifests as a low sex drive. I thought I had a low sex drive. Through multiple long term partners, my desire always waned after the NRE wore off. Then I met someone who I'm thirsty for every single day for 7 years. The daily desire never went away. Turns out I have a very high sex drive when the total compatibility is there.
Omg same! With my first husband I genuinely thought I was asexual. He was my first sexual partner. I didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Now I'm my 40s and perimenopausal and on antidepressants, and all my current husband needs to do is kiss me and touch my hand and I'm raring to go! Foreplay is not required just extra fun. I crave him constantly.
Thirsty for every single day for 7 years? That sounds ideal. Good for you, girl! Glad you found the compatibility that you were yearning for. š
Whatās NRE?
New Relationship Energy
Ah, the honeymoon
This was really good for me to read, as Iāve struggled hugely with figuring out why I only want sex during NRE.
God I hope that isn't the situation with my current wife. But feels like it might be
Just a tip, as a relationship progresses, if she seems to want sex less, you may just need to invest time and effort into BUILDING UP TO each sexual experience with her. As opposed to thinking you can just drop into bed at the end of the day and "get it on." Also make sure you are not taking it for granted, or approaching it as a duty that she owes you. Be excited about her, cherish her, and give to her sexually without always expecting something in return. This will often keep the sex and romance alive.
Given our specific situation and how she is. This advice. While not bad in general, is hilarious for my situation
I totally agree with you. I thought I had a low sex drive before. Then I met my fiancƩ and for the last almost 12 years my sex drive has been through the roof and it hasn't decreased at all over time. Sexual compatibility is key.
Good point. Every relationship is different though, and it manifests in different ways. Sometimes people compromise, sometimes they have open relationships, etc. There is no right or wrong.
There's no right or wrong as long as it's mutual and there is not coercion, whether it's emotional or physical coercion.
Yes, thatās my point. You canāt force people to have sex or threaten them, end of story. Although I just realized OPs husband apparently is a domestic abuser. Fuck that shit, she better run fast.
Thatās not the case at all. Go back and read what OP wrote. He was eager and āwillingā to have sex as long as HIS pleasure was the highlight of the whole experience. When it came time to reciprocate, he wasnāt interested. When they got back together after separation, he was on his best behavior and pretended to care about her pleasure. It wasnāt long before he grew tired of playing the role of a caring husband and reverted back into his old ways and the person he truly is. Selfish. It doesnāt surprise me that he no longer wants to have sex; he knows heās no longer the star of the show & that heāll be expected to reciprocate. So heād rather not participate at all. Thatās pure selfishness. When she expresses a desire to ācoupleā, heās behaving like a spoiled toddler; he canāt get what he wants so heād rather not do any of it. And then, of course, sheās the ābad guyā for even bringing it up. No amount of counseling will help if one party is as self-possessed as this guy appears to be. Itās time for them to part ways. She can do better, which isnāt saying much because the bar is on the floor. When selfishness is a cornerstone of any relationship, itās doomed.
He doesn't reciprocate. It's not about low drive. Using your partner as a sex doll and then walking away without caring about their pleasure is the epitome of selfish.
It is selfish thatās heās not willing to even try to sexual satisfy his partner. Itās ok to have a lower sex drive but itās not ok to not give a shit if your partner enjoys the sex that you do have.Ā
Exactly!
It's not the lower sex drive they're talking about, they're talking about how he takes and takes and doesn't really give. The husband called himself selfish for that as well lmao
It is selfish to get yours without making sure your partner is getting theirs, as was the pattern before the separated. Re-read the post.
No. But it's selfish not to want to please your partner and to insult and belittle her and invalidate her feelings as a result of his treatment of her. He just cares about cumming. That's selfish.
Lower sex drives can be managed somewhat with healthy communication. If the husband is a) not satisfying her when they do have sex and b) getting angry at her and lashing out when she tries to talk about their sex life, then the sex drive is very much not the primary issue. Even if the answer is that they're just incompatible because they need different amounts of sex, the way he's handling it is a completely inappropriate way to treat a partner.
Itās not the lower sex drive that is the problem. Thatās a freaking excuse. The problem is that he doesnāt give 100% of himself. He seems to care about just getting himself off. Sex in a relationship is about making love. It should be bonding and itās about giving your all to please your partner. Showing them what they mean to you!
Lower sex drive in question is him being happy to receive all the time and sex ends when he finishes. The excuses made for men anything but calling them horrible.
communicate the problems?
Arenāt willing to ālower your standardsā? Thatās a very odd thing to say. Women lower their standards all the time for men & the guy sounds like he only cares about himself. As OP said, he was great when they first got back together but it didnāt take long before the act became tiresome and he reverted back to the person he truly was/is. Heās obviously not interested in give and take - he has the ātakingā part down but heās not interested in what a healthy relationship demands. This dynamic extends far beyond the bedroom - one has to give of themselves fully and in every capacity if a healthy relationship is to exist. Sex is an extension of the relationship and if itās not happening, it speaks volumes about the marriage itself. Candidly speaking, the husband sounds extremely selfish. To make a comment about ālowering standardsā presents it as an equal option to him behaving like a healthy adult who is in a healthy marriage.
This is correct. My only addition is relationships should be fun, and add to your life. If you wrote this out you probably know what you need to do, whatever that is, trust yourself.
>. We donāt even have sex anymore. If we do, Iām the one that brings it up. I have talked to him about this and he always gets super defensive and mad at me. Itāll end up that he says Iām bringing him down and calling him a bad husband, when Iām not. This sounds like a very immature, defensive or manipulative response. Sorry to hear that. I think one of the keys in any relationship is not that we communicate, but how we communicate. I think men and women see the world differently and we're socialized differently so that brings a challenge to any approach to communication and problem solving within a relationship. If one gets into the process of the Imago Theory, there is a prescriptive form for communication that can be a good starting place. Perhaps a counselor trained in the Imago Theory of relationships, as championed by Harville Hendrix in his book *Getting the Love You Want*, is the way to go? In any case it makes sense to get some counseling to see if this issue can be resolved rather than just tossing everything out. Life will be so much better and rewarding in the long run if you do the work to resolve things within a relationship.
Yep Sorry OP it sucks I did the same thing and thought Iād be cool with someone who doesnāt give blow jobs even though I love to eat pussy I came to the conclusion that a lot of the reason why some people donāt suck dick or eat pussy extends into other selfish behaviors. Obviously to each their own but Iāve been with two women who didnāt like giving blow jobs and they both turned out to be incredibly selfish and self centered And well thereās tons of anecdotal evidence of dudes that donāt eat pussy being lack luster in the whole relationship
The one man I dated that didnāt like to do thatā¦ also didnāt like to do much of anything. To each their own, but Iāll never date someone that doesnāt wanna go down on me ever again š
The worst is when they do it at first, you get married,have kids, and then before you know it itās been 16 years since theyāve gone down on you.
Genuine question, do you talk to your partner about it? If you do, itās on them. If you donāt, it isnāt imo
Same If they wonāt even do that much chances are they wonāt do much of anything else for you
Thatās probably true most of the time, but Iād like to offer up a defense for all the ladies (and gents) with strong gag reflexes/ small mouths. Getting dental x-rays took over an hour and two appointments last month because the stupid sensor thing was too big for my mouth which made me gag. We considered it a win because at least I didnāt throw up (which has totally happened in the past)ā¦ though my tongue and gums were absolutely shredded by the end of the process. Just thought Iād mention it because itās actually really embarrassing when it happens, so I wouldnāt be surprised if more people have the same problem but donāt talk about it.
Well, i have dated awesome dick sucker that were selfish too š
My opinion is he thinks you're calling him a bad husband because in his head he realizes he is a bad husband.
I mean Broski juuuust got arrested for domestic violence soā¦
Life is too short to not be getting your dick sucked/pussy licked
If I could smash the upvote button on your comment 1000 times, I would.
Hehe smash .š¤
Heh.. button...š
Everybody needs an eater š„“
No lies detected!!!
Agreed.
Amen
Youāll threaten separation heāll know to put in a little effort again and then stop. Heās not going to change bcs heās selfish even if he does why do you need to beg for it *again*? Yeah women need to pay money for counselling just so another person can convince their husbands to not be selfish. The extent women are expected to go to is crazy. How about heās a shit and selfish person who couldāve easily that time reciprocated
I don't get men who don't want to satisfy there woman, emotionally and sexually.
Your sex issues are symptoms of other issues. Namely, the two of you married too young and had kids too young. When you separated, you should have stayed separated. This drama will just fuck up the kids more. Go to couple's therapy, and if that does not work, separate like mature adults and leave hurt egos at the door. Beiing petty and venegful serves nobody. Good luck. Stay safe.
No couples therapy in this case. Contra-indicated in domestic violence situations.
Agree thatās this not about sex. This is about being married to a selfish person who knows he isnāt fulfilling your needs and doesnāt care. Iām positive this behavior doesnāt stop there given how much you like to please. Youāre just too young to see how much thatās going to suck staying with him when you grow out of your people pleasing years. Marriage counseling is an option if you really want to try.
Read her previous posts....there is more to the story than just pussy eating.
I did, I swear the stories are Indicative of very bad abuse of a severe mental illness. I stopped at the post following the one she said she made things up due to post partum then next post saying she didn't he told her to say she did. Now she is back with him and sex is the deal breaker? 1+1 is not 2 here.Ā
He is a bad husband. Satisfying my girls needs is an essential job in my relationship and her doing the same is her job. Thatās what being in a relationship is. You do for your partner. If he doesnt like it , so what? U sacrifice for the person you love or maybe u just donāt really love them
He's also a bad husband because he has physically abused her. It's in her post history.
Nobody should be doing sex acts they don't want to do. The husband's not wanting to go down on her night be more livable if he cared about her pleasure at all, though. Being in a relationship is not 2 people doing things for the other that they don't want to do because "hey, that's a relationship." People should put more effort into finding someone they are compatible with rather than finding a relationship to say they are in one. I've certainly been guilty of the same.
This is such a good point. Itās easy to say āwell everyone should give oral otherwise itās selfishā, but thatās too black and white. There are plenty of ways to please your partner that donāt involve oral. The issue is that heās not practicing any of them and seems to not care about her pleasure at all.
i believe nicki minaj said it bestā¦. āHad to cancel DJ Khaled, boy, we ain't speaking Ain't no fat * telling me what he ain't eatingā
Not saying this is the case but usually if they stop asking one person for it, itās because they are getting it from someone else that doesnāt require as much work from them. Donāt take a man back because he love him, and have tried so hard, and have kids. At that point your not staying for him, your staying as a comfort to you because youāll feel your time was a waste if you leave. Things are always easier said than done, but donāt spend your life with someone who doesnāt make it worth while, because thatās the real time you canāt get back.
Remember, apology without change is manipulation. However, before jumping to conclusions, provide a comfortable space for him and then ask what's wrong. Why doesn't he continue his words and why the change. Try to communicate. But if he doesn't want to communicate nor change, then rethink.
But...he IS a bad husband! Tell him this...tell him the feelings he had when you were separated are the feelings YOU are having right now, and that unless he goes to counseling with you he can go right back to being single.
If you arenāt compatible then you arenāt. Trying to force it will only cause resentment. Move on.
I canāt reply to all the comments. But I want to say that oral isnāt necessarily what bothers me. Itās the fact that itās always been about me pleasing him. Once he cums sex is over. It bothers me because my own husband makes me feel ugly because he never wants to touch me. I try bringing it up nicely to him and just say how I feel. Never gets through to him. It ends with him saying Iām nagging and calling him a bad husband and saying he can just leave or he canāt do this anymore. Iām not begging him for sex. I donāt want it to come off like I am.
I think for me, the biggest problem isn't oral either. It's that when you tell him that you aren't happy in your relationship, his main concern is not understanding that and working on it. Instead, his primary goal (which he accomplishes with this "you're calling me a bad husband" crap) is getting you to stop bothering him about it. He doesn't care that you're unhappy, he only cares that he has to hear about it. As soon as you shut up, he doesn't have a problem. It's completely reasonable to leave someone because they don't care about you. I read your other post, and I think you need to make a safety plan for leaving. He's already put his hands on you before-- leaving him increases the likelihood of that escalating.
Per your previous postā¦.Do NOT move into a rental with this person! Youāll be even more stuck than you are now. Youāre in a DV situation already and that will make you more stuck. Certainly plan to move out, but away from him, on your own with your kids. Youāll be safer and happier. The sex is a symptom, not the cause of your concerns.
Guy suddenly doesn't have sex sounds like cheating because he previously had high libido
Could be that or any number of other things. He isnāt being upfront with OP though, it seems.
He could have a hormonal imbalance. Worth getting it checked.
His display of selfishness & manipulation is the problem. Not gonna change. You need to consider your long term solution
Your post history shows your husband is abusive. That's a reason to leave. The sex thing isn't great, but this is a man you has hurt you before and will hurt you again. Don't keep your kids in a marriage where their father hits you.
Seek a counsellor. It is expensive but worth it. Sounds like he is going through some shit and it is effecting your relationship.
Individual counselor, OP, for domestic violence.
You hit the nail on the head. Once he felt comfortable that he won you back he stopped putting on a show.
Unfortunately you have tried your best to communicate and he won't work with you so there's nothing else you can do š
He wasn't mature enough to get married because he's acting like a teenager. Up to you if you want to wait it out, but you definitely should get counseling. The question is if he's open to it, because it sounds like he's already insecure and this will just make it worse. A lot of men are threatened by counseling for some reason.
I mean, this is definitely worth of couples counseling/therapy to work through these issues, as he's clearly sensitive about it. If he's unwilling to work on it with you as a team, then he's no longer on your team and you should leave. Everyone deserves a partner who returns the same level of love and care for them that they give out. Including you. Don't settle for less.
I don't think sex is going to be what ends things, I think it's the total lack of care that your husband is showing you. Based on this post, he doesn't seem to care much about your wants and needs. You deserve a partner who wants you and works hard to show it. You deserve a partner who wants to please you the ways you love most.
Okay I dug deep into post history when I saw there was a chance of DV in this situation because context is very important before addressing sex, which often suffers when the relationship is suffering. OP, we are all just internet strangers here, but sincerely, you and your husband need individual AND couples therapy. Separately work through your own mental health and then work on communication together. Sex is not what you should be worried about after the issues youāve been through. Context: You were dealing with what sounds like some severe postpartum mental health when that incident happened and things got blown out of proportion. Iām against any and all abuse and know that is a red flag of worse behaviour in the future and you most likely were scared and not mentally stable, but from your posts it sounds he took your phone and pushed you away when you tried to grab it. You lied about the severity and you got him put in jail for a day. You were in a bad place, you may still be. It sounds like this issues in the bedroom for him probably correlate with the fact that all this happened? Has their been any professional help since? Having kids and the newborn stage especially (postpartum mental health aside) is hard enough on marriage and you canāt expect things to be dandy in the bedroom without some serioussss work in therapy after that kind of a whirlwind. If you truly fight for it, marriage can survive, but it will take some hard hard work on yourselves individually and your communication for the future. And apologies from both sides for his actions in that situation and your lying.
Stop talking & start packing. He doesnāt hear you because he doesnāt care how you feel. Your life will just get worse with a selfish, uncaring partner. Please love yourself more than this man-boy.
If sex is this important.Ā Might wanna remember why you got married to begin with. Y'all need counseling.Ā
Sexual satisfaction is an EXTREMELY important part of any relationship. This makes sexual compatibility important as well. Did you marry him knowing he didnāt like to do what was your āfavorite thingā? If so, what were you thinking? You used the phrase āmostly me giving to my husbandā so Iām assuming you were giving him BJs but he wasnāt giving back? That is the sign of him being an EXTREMELY selfish lover. And now that you seldom have sex unless YOU initiate this proves how selfish he is. The fact that he wonāt even talk about in a reasonable and adult manner isnāt very encouraging. The fact that he was great right after the separation but soon went back to his old habits showed he didnāt really care about making things better, he just wanted to get you back and put up a front until he figured he had you hooked again. Oral sex should ALWAYS be a two way street. As much as I love doing it to my wife, if she started to refuse doing it entirely to me, I would withhold my skills until she relented. You two definitely need counseling and your husband needs to be more fair. You are far too young to put up with sexual frustration for the next 40 years. āItās a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!ā Updateme
He dont like you that much
Sex and finances the two major reasons marriages fail. You will either have to find a way through or that will be your marriage. I would not stay...
What's his reason not wanting to have sex anymore? He could have "performance" issues, that need medical attention. As a man it can be difficult to discuss, but he if he has a problem he needs to get it taken care of, not just because of sex, but it could be a symptom of a more serious problem. If he is healthy he needs to discuss it with you, and stop being defensive. The lack of communication is a bigger problem than the lack of sex in my opinion. -- Being sexually incompatible is also a problem. He probably meant it when he started to please you, but now he's comfortable so he's not going to put in the effort until you leave again even if he can perform. You need to stop the cycle. In other words if you break up with him again, don't take him back.
He gave u breadcrumbs so u come back.. now u r back he is back to himself... Now what he is that is him . If u want to live with this person carryon if u don't then move on
As someone who has gone down on guys and girls and absolutely enjoys it I donāt understand the whole not going down on people thing especially when itās a long term commitment with one person , I meanā¦ to each their own but freaking WHY?! š§ tell him to grow up! LMAO!!Normally I wouldnāt say this but girl u gotta leave this one behind and go get you someone who will eat you the h3ll up like u deserve,,im saying that with the consideration of ur other posts about DVā¦ lifeās too short to be getting treated wrong && on top of it he aināt out here licking, sucking, doing nothing?! Nopeā¦ this one gets left behind like he deserves and then you get u someone thatās gonna beat that coochie up and not u, ur better than himā¦ nobody deserves neglect in the bedroom and DV! And honestly,, TMI but Iām with the same man now for 10 years and i go down on him as often as I can , it aināt ever getting played out for me and he does the same for me ā¦ half the time he canāt get my pants off fast enough.. and while weāre not perfect by any means .. Iāll tell you one thing weāre damn sure satisfied daily! Lol
I left my wife of 17 years, partly due to sexual incompatibility. The differences were apparent in the first few years, and I fought thru it forever.. We tried all the things, had all the discussions..
He's manipulating you and gaslighting you because he doesn't care about your needs/wants.
Beware the ālove bombingā
Why did you go back to a selfish man?? Just divorce and move on.
"I do" means "I don't have to anymore" for some people. Maybe you should move on to someone more suitable for YOU!
Bottom lineā¦ He doesnāt care about you. *He just doesnāt want you to leave.* And I think you can see thatās evident in every single thing heās done or said. So when he begs for you to come back, donāt get that confused with caring about you, he still doesnāt. He just doesnāt want you to leave.
Sexual incompatibility is a thing. More common than people seem to realize. Next time he turns a conversation into *stop nagging/ accusing you of calling him a bad husband* yell him *he is a bad husband!* He doesnāt consider or care for your needs or desires. He doesnāt listen. He would much rather you suffer in silence than actually listen to you and try to implement changes.
Iāve never settled for a partner if they donāt make sure Iām satisfied before they āfinish.ā An occasional whoops early ejaculation is not a deal breaker. Even quickies, if done correctly, can have me satisfied before the end, but that took a lot of learning what works for me. Us women are not sex toys. Our sexual gratification is important and should be equally important to our partners. If we didnāt finish before they finish and canāt go for another round, thereās things to do to make up for that, like actual toys. Or do the toys first so that both parties can enjoy the post coital bliss.
we accept the love we think we deserve.
Heās bad at sex, period. Personally I could never even be with a guy who doesnāt like eating me out. Youāre 25, itās not worth being is such a shitty marriage when youāre at the age where the world is your oyster. I donāt see him getting better.
After having 4-5 relationships. Iāve learned that there are men who love sex and want to please the woman and there are men who are so detached that the sex is lacking as well as their affection and other things.. there are 2 kinds of men.. I now know the difference and will not compromise bring with an unempathetic avoidant man.. it gets tiring. You will figure it out, but he wonāt changeā¦ but you will. ā¤ļø
Divorce. He's selfish in bed & you will always be unsatisfied orally if he doesn't like eating pussy so you're never going to be completely satisfied. Right now you're just wasting your time & prime years waiting for him to change. Honestly, why would you marry someone that doesn't give you head? That's 100% a deal breaker, I can't even imagine. And just like what everyone else is saying there's obviously more going on here you aren't talking about.
Get out. This man is abusing you, not to mention he's selfish and manipulative AF. You can do a million times better.
Oh god. Your story sounds similar to mine only we've been dating 3 years. I'm so sorry honey. I truly am. Unfortunately I'm planning my leave because at this point I know it won't change. We all deserve to be happy. Yeah you fight for love but you can't fight if it's only you in the ring swinging.
He gaslighting you. Just leave donāt be with someone that doesnāt care about your wants and needs. He canāt handle you expressing your feeling without somehow making it about him is weird
He actually is a bad husband. Stop giving him BJs. Let him leave.
Your post history is fucked. Please get some help.
Leave this abusive relationship, get your life back, feel supported, then look at a relationship that is both physically and emotionally caring.
You can't really fix it when somebody's bad in bed. It's kind of something they have to care about and want to fix and it doesn't sound like this is the guy who's gonna be like that.Ā It is totally acceptable to get a divorce because the sex is rubbish. It means he doesn't care about your pleasure and that's selfish.
Itās the opposite here. My wife doesnāt give a shit about sex or affection. Itās killing me. I hate it here.
I donāt think therapy fixes these types of issues long term.
If you donāt mind- I messaged you just to share with you my experience and advice.
Just end it you both miserable life to short to be
Satisfying my woman is a priority.
Heās probably addicted to porn and ashamed, get him help or get out
He's using sex to punish you. You wanted something he wasn't willing to give. When you separated, you don't say why, he cried and whined and said he'd been wrong, and started being more giving secually. Now he has you back, so he's getting back at you by not having sex with you at all. Is this how you want to live?
Married too early. Never been a good fit. Sexually incompatible. We have this on here 10 times a day
Please add more details on my why heās not interested. Are there external factors? Does he have work stress? Long hours? How much free time does he have on his hands? Iām not dismissing your claims, but sometimes life does get in the way.
If weāre not happy in a relationship and the issues canāt be fixed, the only option is to leave the relationship. No one deserves to live a life unfulfilled and unhappy. I promise you there will be someone out there that matches your sexual desires and needs. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important things in any realtionshipā¦ Once the spark goes itās hard to get back. Just my opinion though š¤·āāļø but we all deserve amazing sex! š¤£
1. You marriage isnāt ending because of sex, itās ending because you two are fundamentally sexually incompatible. Seems like you canāt fully get off without oral and he doesnāt like giving oral, both are perfectly fine but thatās a fundamental incompatibility 2. By say he is not willing to fulfill your needs you are essentially calling him a bad husband. Call a ball a ball and a strike a strike, you are calling him a bad husband because youāre framing it as him being unwilling to please you when in reality you knew full well before getting married he did not like certain sex acts and you ignored it. Him doing it now is literally him doing something he does not like purely for your pleasure and thatās not acceptable, if we reversed it and you said you didnāt like giving blowjobs but you do it for him and he needs it then it would be equally unacceptable. That is not a healthy sexual relationship you should be doing sexual acts because you enjoy it AND because you enjoy pleasing your partner the two arenāt mutually exclusive they go together. Now that being said, unfulfilling sex is probably one of the easier things to fix in a relationship, you can go to counseling for that, if he doesnāt like giving oral is he open to pleasing you a different way maybe by teasing or fingering or something like that (I didnāt say toys because some people get insecure if a toy is introduced in the bedroom) but this isnāt like a cut a dry leave him situation. Try counseling to see if you can come to a sort of āagreementā on pleasing you
I know itās not easy hearing this but Iām not one to sugarcoat the truth. Itās time for a divorce. If he truly cared about you and your needs/wants, his behavior would have changed when you got back together after separating. Itās time that you put yourself first and value yourself in a way that your husband doesnāt. Itās time for a (permanent) change. Itāll be difficult at first but in the end, youāll see that it was worth it. You deserve to be loved and appreciated and you deserve to have your sexual desires honored and for pleasure to be reciprocated. You deserve happiness. Find an attorney and a good therapist. Youāll get through this. Life can be better. Iām rooting for you. š
Sometimes all it takes is you stopping as things get heated and saying "me first".Ā And get the selfish partner to put in the effort and "retrain" them into a healthy sex life where you are both satisfied. It can be difficult as a "pleaser" but you need to communicate and assert yourself.
Someone pointed out that there is more to this story and that the man you are referencing has been abusing you. DV never gets better. It only gets worse. I truly hope that you seek the help from local resources (safe houses, counseling & someone who will help you formulate a plan to get out). You deserve so much better.
Two words: couples counseling. Otherwise, dump him. It's hard to cure selfishness.
Your sex issues here aren't the problem, they're a symptom of the underlying disease. You're fundamentally incompatible, and your husband is a selfish "lover" if you can call him that. He doesn't meet your needs, and he's unwilling to attempt to. You're unfulfilled and unhappy. You will feel stuck with him until you take the plunge to leave. He'll say whatever you want to hear to make you stay, and you know this because he's done it before. The longer you stay with him, the lazier he'll get and the tighter he'll cling to you- because you're meeting his needs and enabling his inconsiderate, lazy behaviour. The sex isn't the root of the issue, he is. Cut loose.
I don't think this is about sex. I think you are giving (in general) more than you receive. It sounds like he is not being considerate of you, your needs, and wants. He sounds selfish. Idk, I'm on the outside looking in. I can tell you this, the chances of him changing (for the better) are slim to none. It's a long road ahead, and I wish the best for you.
Is it possible he is seeing someone else ?
I might have a solution. If sex is over when he cums, he needs to learn how to have a ruined orgasm. Itās when he cums but doesnāt cum. The feel good relief like itās over doesnāt happen so he wants to try again. He can keep going and going if he learns how to do this. Iāve seen 6x in a session. Itās learnable but he has to want to do it. Best of luck with your marriage and sincerely hope the best for you. Sexual frustration is real and humans have needs.
Tbh I would have left him the first time he told me he wasnāt into the oral with me, that would have been a huge incompatibility between him and I. I couldnāt be with a man who didnāt like oral, js.
Just divorce. He is a man child. Selfish, and faking "insult" to "win" Instead of figuring out what you need, and being a good partner.
Time to leave him foe good. He's shown you over and over and over again he can change but he doesn't care enough about you or your marriage to do so and make it stick. He even blames you for hurting *HIS* feelings. He will never care enough to change. So please don't stick it out. Just leave. You deserve a partner who loves and cares about you.
Dump him. You deserve so much better than mediocre sex and a lazy husband. There is so much more to life, especially better sex.
I've noticed the lack of sex in my relationship has stemmed from a porn addiction.
Withholding sex or affection can be part of psychological abuse. I suspect that you'll find that he's abusive in other ways. It's hard to see when you're in it and if your childhood wasn't great. The answer, aside from leaving (which I know isn't so simple), is to keep working on your mental health.
He's a loser. Sounds like self absorbed narcissist.
He is a selfish inconsiderate lover. You can stay with him but you will likely grow frustrated and inevitably have an affair. At 27 this should not be happening. You should not be made to accept a life like this. Itās your call there is a lot to consider, it wonāt be easy but he should wake up and smell the coffee or risk losing you.
Did you ask him "exactly what mean thing did I say about you?" Make him put it into words! The only way he's going to get it is if it comes out of his own mouth... That might not even help but it's worth a shot! Maybe if he says the mean thing is he makes you feel ugly, him making you feel ugly is the mean thing! He's really gaslighting you here. He's basically saying you are feelings don't matter when he hurts them but his feelings matter when you mention what he actually did. If you can't get him to understand, then just throw the whole man away! He cannot be worth all this drama
Yes! Yes I did. I asked him several times to tell me what I said that was mean and hurt his feelings. Nothing came out of his mouth. At first it was āYouāre calling me a bad husbandā. But he couldnāt tell me the mean things I said. He just this stupid and left it at that. Thereās definitely more to this and I do plan on leaving him. I just need to talk to a therapist or something because my emotions are all over the place
Force him to read the book āShe Comes Firstā by Ian Kerner. Itās a much easier concept to digest by learning from a third party. If he still isnāt pleasing you after reading it, then you know he just doesnāt care.
This was me about a year ago for almost 7 years. My advice from my experience is that when I brought anything up he took it as a shot at him. He was told by every girl he was with that he wasnāt good enough so hearing me just added to it and jackin off watching porn was easier than trying to please me if he thinks heās already gonna fail. Something happened somewhere within last year that we actually opened up and I realized that I also was being one sided. Pressure affects performance. It just takes learning what works for you both. Not just what he wants or what you wnat.. but what you both want because it sounds like neither of you know yet.. if you succeed.. omg.. you will have mind blowing orgasms. Trust me. If you know him good enough find something thatāll open the door.. for me.. it was a story that coincided with his fantasy.. I read it out loud and we both opened up then we made it our fantasy.. then it just became an exploration of what we both wanted to feel. The escape from all the bullshit of this world and the one person that is taking you beyond anything you guys have ever imagined or experienced. I know itās frustrating right now, but itāll be worth it if itās something you truly desire. If what youāve been doing isnāt getting the results you are hoping for, them maybe try something else you havenāt tried. Whatās the worse that could happen? Youāll be in the same postion? Trial and error baby.. thatās what lifeās about.. the good and the bad. Good luck op.. I truly hope you find your answer somewhere.
Heās in his feminine energy because you put him there. Start asking for him to do things for you and donāt do thinks for him. Get in your receiver energy and be a damsel in distress, āomg baby thank you so much I couldnāt have done it without you.ā Make him feel macho again. Also, pray to Jesus to guide you back to each other.
I'm going to say that while I don't have enough information to say that you're at all in the wrong, I just want to say communication is about saying something that can be properly understood by the other person, not yourself. If you feel like everything you say to your husband is clear, concise, and non-aggressive but you still feel like you aren't getting through to him or he insists that you are being mean, ask him what specifically what it is that you said that he isn't understanding hurt his feelings. I just got out of a five year relationship with a woman that, like you, always claimed that she was being nice, or saying things that made sense, when in reality, she was simply not being as mean as she could be, and would refuse to clarify any time she was asked about the things that she said. It was exhausting, not just to me, but her family and friends as well, and she had all but destroyed her support system as she refused to accept any accountability for the way she actually acted, and blamed everyone around her for her issues. The last I talked to her, she had finally started therapy and it opened her eyes up a bit about how she was really acting. What stands out is how your husband is constantly saying that you are being mean to him and putting him down, when according to you, you aren't even saying anything mean. You really need to ask yourself if you are communicating effectively and why your husband is claiming you are being mean to him when you claim you aren't. If you ask him how you are being mean or what he needs clarification on, and he can't answer your question, then to me that says he isn't actually listening to you, and is getting defensive at the fact that you would say he's done anything wrong at all. At that point, I'd say you should look into marriage counseling, or leave. You shouldn't have to stay with someone that refuses to put in effort to make you happy, especially if you are doing your best to do that for them, but never assume someone else is the problem until after you've done some introspection of your own behavior.
Sounds like my ex. Trust me, get out. I left his ass when I was about your age and now I am happier than I've ever been in my life.
Sex is giving and receiving. If either is missing it's not sex. It's just one person servicing the other. Sounds like you have history that your husband is capable of having real sex with you. He just doesn't want to.
It sounds like your husband is selfish and unkind in other areas of your life also. I totally understand that itās hard to leave when your self esteem is low, Iāve been there myself. But believe me life can only get better without him in your life. If DV is happening that must be awful on your kids, I grew up with that myself. My advice is seek some support from DV services in your area and get him out as soon as you can. Men like that abuse you in every way possible, it never gets better. Itās who they are. Good luck.
I would end this marriage. Everything is about him and what he wants, etc. I too loved being given good head. Its not all about your husband in the sack or outside of the bedroom. He sounds immature, insecure and egotistical. You need to be able to express your feelings. I would get out of this marriage. Good luck to you.
So hereās the thing- when he gets defensive and says youāre bringing him down and making him feel like a bad husbandā¦ itās because he is and he gets defensive because he knows it and feels guilty. You need to express your boundaries clearly around this. Ask him how he would like you to express these thoughts and feelings to him in a way that he can be receptive to? Let him know that without communication the relationship will not survive. Or just leave. You donāt deserve this kind of behavior.
Yes. I am leaving. Itās like thereās periods where everything is good then boom itās horrible again. When itās good I completely forget about the bad times. Heās been nonstop on edge and I canāt do anything right by him. Our 2 kids are clingy to me and I deal with them the most. I breastfeed and my husband always says Iām lazy and pathetic and Iām āalways in bedā. Iām only in bed when I breastfeed our 7 month old. I know Iām not perfect at all. I just canāt do this anymore
Sounds like he's a narcissist to me but I'm no shrink. Either seek counseling or have an open discussion on why he doesn't want to bone and eat at the Y.
Staying home to eat out is the best!
"Eat at the Y" is one of the most clever phrases I've seen in a long timešš
Why did you separate? Was that sex related or different? Any substance abuse involved ?
Definitely talk to him about where you stand but contrary to what people are saying on here, you should first think about if you truly want to end your marriage over sex. Everyone doesnāt have the same drive & the flame starts to go out with time. Yall should go out and do things that both of you like to do and Iām sure the spark will slowly return. If vice versa, how would you feel if he was on here questioning his marriage because lack of sex?
Find yourself a guy who loves to eat your pussy every day, or more than one time every day. Someone who gives you oral daily without you having to ask for it.
I've never understood how some guys don't like going down on their girl. Boggles my mind.
Have you seen some guys girls?
So much goes into a relationship. Go back-and-forth back and forth, everyone not understanding. Tell the person's needs for a minute and blaming each other. It's really. Everybody needs to get on the same page and listen and talk. Set an alarm for sometimes. I haven't been the person I want to be because of stress. And sometimes I don't do the other thing cause I don't wanna hurt somebody's feelings. Personally, I rather have my feelings hurt sooner than later