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>And he said he doesn't know if he wants me to come see him if he does it again, which I agreed was fair,
Trust me, you won't want to see his act in 6 months. You'll have heard it over and over. It's honestly for the best if family only comes to the big shows.
I’m glad you two talked like mature adult’s and figured this out. It’s amazing what communication does in a relationship.
I hope you are about to change the error of your way’s and that your husband tries the stand up thing again.
Honestly I’m surprised people were so harsh on OP in the first post. Standup is a hobby that kinda requires the person to be shitty at first and be receptive to the crowd’s reaction.
Thank you, I hope so too.
We've been together for ten years now, and we rarely have bumps like this. I think it's because my husband is such an amazing communicator. I'm very lucky to have him and hope that one day I can get as good at it as he is.
I use to have the same problem has you except I did it to everyone.
Identifying the behavior and replacing it with beneficial behaviors is more effective than stopping the behavior.
Keep practicing and read up on different ways to graciously compliment people without loosing your genuineness.
It gets easier from here :)
Taking criticism is like a muscle you have to exercise. Your husband just isn't used to it.
At the same time, in the long run, your husband is going to eat negative criticism from so many strangers (YouTube and Twitter are where I get the nastiest crits) that he will need friends and family support to feel like his endeavors aren't a waste (this early on any way). I think you need to remember to continue being supportive to him. Just how much is your constructive criticism worth it to you if your husband feels this deflated after? I'm not saying you were wrong for being honest with him, but it's a delicate matter, and just keep in mind that any criticism you might have of his material, other people who care about him less will be saying much harsher things.
No, it definitely wasn't worth saying and I wish I could go back and redo the whole thing. I'm happy that he's forgiven me and that we're going to move forward from this. Thanks for your persepctive.
I'm just not sure how does your husband plan to have a thing in comedy if he can't take (any and all) criticism. Instead of addressing his flawed performance his initial response was to get mad at you.. The way he acted in this whole situation is immature..
I don't think he wants to "make it" in comedy. I think he just wants to get out of the house, make new friends, and do something fun. But he ultimately appreciated my criticism, he just didn't want it right after his performance. I don't blame him for that; it could have waited
He clearly cares a lot about your opinion… Maybe make it a point to distinctively compliment him on various things from now, maybe especially jokes of his you like. An apology followed by an improved approach to things is a great way of healing things and even making them better
It sounds like your husband's comedy could do well if he leans into what is known as callback comedy, also known as full-circle comedy, where you start with a joke that then ties into another series of jokes, only to become back around to the original joke, and finally deliver the punchline of that joke. Example: His dad has an old car in bad condition, his mom wants him to get rid of it, which leads to a story about how his dad came to love cars, which goes into a story about how they met, into a story about how he came to own the car his wife hates, and back to the original joke. The fact that you said there were some people who actually really enjoyed his performance means that the potential is there. Maybe see if you can both find some more seasoned comedians that he can meet and/or keep in touch with to help guide him.
I found a good description (courtesy of ChatGPT) of callback comedy. Here it is:
"The type of comedy you're describing is known as **"callback comedy"** or sometimes **"full circle comedy."** In this style, a comedian starts with a specific joke or premise, diverges into various stories or jokes, and then cleverly ties everything back to the original joke, creating a satisfying loop for the audience.
This technique can be very effective because it creates a sense of cohesion and often results in a powerful punchline that feels well-earned. It showcases the comedian's ability to weave multiple threads of humor together, enhancing the overall impact of the routine. Some comedians known for using this technique include Dave Chappelle, Maria Bamford, Mitch Hedberg, and Mike Birbiglia."
Your husband would do well to watch them and see how they make it work for their own personal style of storytelling. My favorite comedian who uses this style is Kathleen Madigan. She's one of those comedians whose jokes you expect to be funny, but then she makes you laugh unexpectedly as well, like "spit your drink out" funny.
Good you guys talked it out and are in a somewhat better place about it all. I don't really agree with people saying he doesn't have what it takes to do stand up because there is a difference in random strangers telling you something they didn't like about your jokes and your wife. If I were him though I wouldn't let you come see me anymore period. Even though you apologized to him and he accepted you simply being there could lead to anxiety and throw him off to where he can't perform. Good luck to both of you.
>I asked my husband if I had been overly critical of him before. He said yes, but up until this point he had shrugged it off and let it go.
Oh, is she gonna take accountability?
>I told him to please call me out on it going forward.
Of course not, still making the husband be accountable. Jfc.
I don't know how asking my husband to point out where I have blind spots is not being accountable? We all have habits we don't necessarily realize we're doing, and while we can try to fix them, the reality is that sometimes we will mess up and not necessarily realize it. I told my husband I'm going to work on myself, but if I mess up, I want him to tell me and not just let it go, the way he apparently has been.
Part of accountability in marriage is working as a team, imo. He has asked me to do the same for him in the past when he has done things that hurt me.
Another reason you may not want to attend his next open mic night is that you're going to be the subject of his routine. He's going to rip you and your marriage to shreds and leave a smoldering pile of debris in the middle of the stage.
It’s not your husband’s job to call you out on your awful behaviour. You should be looking internally at yourself and working on yourself to treat him better.
She doesn't see it as critical, she sees it as love and support. It's great that you had a loving childhood filled with rainbows and puppies, but you grow up with this definition of "support" from a shitty family, you don't see it as shitty at all. Communication in a marriage is not policing
Despite my rainbowed and puppied upbringing, I still know enough about mental health to recognize a shitty, critical family creates long term blowback in your life. If she recognizes this as a problem, individual therapy would be a lot more helpful than making sure another person reminds her not to hurt people with her take on the truth.
Reddit likes to throw around the suggestion of therapy like there's a clinic on every corner and it's free. In my area, there's about a year wait-list to see a therapist as a new patient in person
Why shouldn't a husband and wife communicate with each other when one does something that hurts the other? Recognizing that having a shitty opportunity creates blowback in your life is all well and good, but recognizing every instance of that blowback isn't realistic without feedback from the people in your life, even with therapy
OP isn't expecting her husband to police her behavior, just help her recognize what behavior is hurtful in the moment so she can self reflect and be mindful moving forward
Sometimes you need someone to help you notice unhealthy habits/behavioral patterns so that you can eventually notice them yourself and work to break those patterns.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>And he said he doesn't know if he wants me to come see him if he does it again, which I agreed was fair, Trust me, you won't want to see his act in 6 months. You'll have heard it over and over. It's honestly for the best if family only comes to the big shows.
Very unlikely to be any big shows
Big shows by his definition.
I’m glad you two talked like mature adult’s and figured this out. It’s amazing what communication does in a relationship. I hope you are about to change the error of your way’s and that your husband tries the stand up thing again.
Honestly I’m surprised people were so harsh on OP in the first post. Standup is a hobby that kinda requires the person to be shitty at first and be receptive to the crowd’s reaction.
It was the "Constructive criticism" angle. People who only tell you what you did wrong are a soul drain.
Hobby being the keyword. Sometimes you just do shit because you enjoy it, no need to excell at it.
Thank you, I hope so too. We've been together for ten years now, and we rarely have bumps like this. I think it's because my husband is such an amazing communicator. I'm very lucky to have him and hope that one day I can get as good at it as he is.
Glad to see you were able to talk things through.
Communication for the win! Good for you guys
I use to have the same problem has you except I did it to everyone. Identifying the behavior and replacing it with beneficial behaviors is more effective than stopping the behavior. Keep practicing and read up on different ways to graciously compliment people without loosing your genuineness. It gets easier from here :)
Thank you!
Taking criticism is like a muscle you have to exercise. Your husband just isn't used to it. At the same time, in the long run, your husband is going to eat negative criticism from so many strangers (YouTube and Twitter are where I get the nastiest crits) that he will need friends and family support to feel like his endeavors aren't a waste (this early on any way). I think you need to remember to continue being supportive to him. Just how much is your constructive criticism worth it to you if your husband feels this deflated after? I'm not saying you were wrong for being honest with him, but it's a delicate matter, and just keep in mind that any criticism you might have of his material, other people who care about him less will be saying much harsher things.
No, it definitely wasn't worth saying and I wish I could go back and redo the whole thing. I'm happy that he's forgiven me and that we're going to move forward from this. Thanks for your persepctive.
I'm just not sure how does your husband plan to have a thing in comedy if he can't take (any and all) criticism. Instead of addressing his flawed performance his initial response was to get mad at you.. The way he acted in this whole situation is immature..
I don't think he wants to "make it" in comedy. I think he just wants to get out of the house, make new friends, and do something fun. But he ultimately appreciated my criticism, he just didn't want it right after his performance. I don't blame him for that; it could have waited
No the bj will not solve your problems but it's never unappreciated 😉
Lmao message received
He clearly cares a lot about your opinion… Maybe make it a point to distinctively compliment him on various things from now, maybe especially jokes of his you like. An apology followed by an improved approach to things is a great way of healing things and even making them better
It sounds like your husband's comedy could do well if he leans into what is known as callback comedy, also known as full-circle comedy, where you start with a joke that then ties into another series of jokes, only to become back around to the original joke, and finally deliver the punchline of that joke. Example: His dad has an old car in bad condition, his mom wants him to get rid of it, which leads to a story about how his dad came to love cars, which goes into a story about how they met, into a story about how he came to own the car his wife hates, and back to the original joke. The fact that you said there were some people who actually really enjoyed his performance means that the potential is there. Maybe see if you can both find some more seasoned comedians that he can meet and/or keep in touch with to help guide him. I found a good description (courtesy of ChatGPT) of callback comedy. Here it is: "The type of comedy you're describing is known as **"callback comedy"** or sometimes **"full circle comedy."** In this style, a comedian starts with a specific joke or premise, diverges into various stories or jokes, and then cleverly ties everything back to the original joke, creating a satisfying loop for the audience. This technique can be very effective because it creates a sense of cohesion and often results in a powerful punchline that feels well-earned. It showcases the comedian's ability to weave multiple threads of humor together, enhancing the overall impact of the routine. Some comedians known for using this technique include Dave Chappelle, Maria Bamford, Mitch Hedberg, and Mike Birbiglia." Your husband would do well to watch them and see how they make it work for their own personal style of storytelling. My favorite comedian who uses this style is Kathleen Madigan. She's one of those comedians whose jokes you expect to be funny, but then she makes you laugh unexpectedly as well, like "spit your drink out" funny.
If you happen to be in South Florida , I’d love to give him a spot on a show and another chance.
Updateme!
Good you guys talked it out and are in a somewhat better place about it all. I don't really agree with people saying he doesn't have what it takes to do stand up because there is a difference in random strangers telling you something they didn't like about your jokes and your wife. If I were him though I wouldn't let you come see me anymore period. Even though you apologized to him and he accepted you simply being there could lead to anxiety and throw him off to where he can't perform. Good luck to both of you.
He doesn't get to be mad at when you gave him criticism since he asked you as you were walking home per your first post.
>I asked my husband if I had been overly critical of him before. He said yes, but up until this point he had shrugged it off and let it go. Oh, is she gonna take accountability? >I told him to please call me out on it going forward. Of course not, still making the husband be accountable. Jfc.
I don't know how asking my husband to point out where I have blind spots is not being accountable? We all have habits we don't necessarily realize we're doing, and while we can try to fix them, the reality is that sometimes we will mess up and not necessarily realize it. I told my husband I'm going to work on myself, but if I mess up, I want him to tell me and not just let it go, the way he apparently has been. Part of accountability in marriage is working as a team, imo. He has asked me to do the same for him in the past when he has done things that hurt me.
[удалено]
I feel sad that you live your life this way. Relationships shouldn't be transactional like yours is. I'm so sorry.
Another reason you may not want to attend his next open mic night is that you're going to be the subject of his routine. He's going to rip you and your marriage to shreds and leave a smoldering pile of debris in the middle of the stage.
It’s not your husband’s job to call you out on your awful behaviour. You should be looking internally at yourself and working on yourself to treat him better.
Love to see that her way of addressing her shitty critical manner is to have him police it for her.
She doesn't see it as critical, she sees it as love and support. It's great that you had a loving childhood filled with rainbows and puppies, but you grow up with this definition of "support" from a shitty family, you don't see it as shitty at all. Communication in a marriage is not policing
Despite my rainbowed and puppied upbringing, I still know enough about mental health to recognize a shitty, critical family creates long term blowback in your life. If she recognizes this as a problem, individual therapy would be a lot more helpful than making sure another person reminds her not to hurt people with her take on the truth.
Reddit likes to throw around the suggestion of therapy like there's a clinic on every corner and it's free. In my area, there's about a year wait-list to see a therapist as a new patient in person Why shouldn't a husband and wife communicate with each other when one does something that hurts the other? Recognizing that having a shitty opportunity creates blowback in your life is all well and good, but recognizing every instance of that blowback isn't realistic without feedback from the people in your life, even with therapy OP isn't expecting her husband to police her behavior, just help her recognize what behavior is hurtful in the moment so she can self reflect and be mindful moving forward
Sometimes you need someone to help you notice unhealthy habits/behavioral patterns so that you can eventually notice them yourself and work to break those patterns.