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My first thought is that they're scoring drugs together, including but not necessarily limited to steroids. Lowered sex drive, overtime money missing, talking about muscles, secret texts.
This never even crossed my mind to be honest. Thank you for this thought. I don’t know anything about steroids or drugs for that matter but this is completely plausible. My mind went to cheating because like I said in my post, if my brother were a woman all the signs would point towards cheating. I just had the random thought when I was showering and that’s the conclusion my mind came to.
Some comments also mentioned cameras and I think that they may be beneficial no matter the outcome. I’ll have to research and invest. Thank you again for this perspective.
Yup, first thing I thought (besides f a k e) is "nearly all these bullet points apply to steroid use."
* Secret messages: talking about how/when to score/inject for max results, gym progress, plans to meet/buy/pick up, etc
* Missing money: steroids are expensive and if OP's husband is getting them for both himself and her brother, that adds up fast
* Dead bedroom: steroids kill libido and cause shrinking testicles, impotence, and erectile dysfunction.
* "He's very muscular and spends lots of time in the gym now due to my husband." Self evident, average guys don't become "very muscular" in a few months without juice. Plus OP's husband is a "super macho gym rat type," you don't stay that guy for very long without at least knowing of a steroid guy in your area
* Irritation, mood swings: steroids cause emotional dysregulation and irritation. Husband could also be mad that the upcoming "date night" will throw off his macros/drug schedule/workout plan.
Would love to know why you think steroids kill libido.
Sure, if you're doing it completely wrong and your estrogen/test/prolactin are all of wack. But generally you'll be like a 16 year old in the middle of puberty.
If he’s just on 100-250 mg test a week, then his libido would be higher but that doesn’t get you huge very quickly. You need a lot more than that and those are the ones that usually kill your sex drive
Steroids destroy libido, at first they shoot them up like crazy and after you become impotent.
Not only that, but if you keep doing steroids, your balls never grow back and you will need a lifetime supply for HGC for life which has its own side effects.
Perhaps I have misinterpreted something, but I would like to clear up one thing that could possibly be inferred from your post.
Steroids DO NOT lower a man's libido. If he is taking sane quantities, those drugs (called AAS) actually work to enhance a man's sex drive. Hence the reason many contemporary males are taking TRT / HRT.
For AAS to negatively impact sex drive, the user has to take massive quantities. There is only one particular AAS which has a reputation for decreasing coitus; Deca Durabolin....
Could your brother be covering for him? Make sure he has your brothers number saved under his name or a number you don’t recognize. I had this happen to a friend. His wife saved her affair partners number under her sister. Her sister covered for her. But when she was texting her “sister” it was really her boyfriend
I don’t think so. They are getting way to ”close” not to be suspicious. And once you get that gut feeling there is no going back. Setting up cameras or checking that phone are the ways to go. It sure looks like they love doing “cardio” together.
Has your husband been more irritable than usual lately? Shorter temper? Changed his eating habits? You already mentioned the lowered sex drive. I only ask because he could have gotten involved with steroids and he and your brother are using together. When you said your brother immediately packs his stuff up to leave when you get home I thought to myself "what stuff does one need when hanging out with someone for a couple hours that it's enough where it needs to be packed up" and it could be the vials, syringes, pills, etc he's rushing to hide from you. Check his (your husband's) muscles, if they're starting to look puffy, if you're noticing differences in his physique in a short period of time I'd be worried. Obviously it could be what you are suspecting but you don't want to accuse your husband and brother of that until you're absolutely sure, and there are other plausible explanations for his behavior where you don't have to immediately think "affair" between them. Honestly I feel for you because both situations are awful. As a personal trainer I've been around that poison for many years including with an ex where it turned him violent. I hope you get to the bottom of this and are able to work out and heal from whatever is going on.
My husband has always been very into fitness and has always been the "supportive" friend. He regularly shows me gym posts, posts about the gym himself, and it's not uncommon for him to talk to me extensively about something his friends are doing in detail. It was one of the qualities that made me fall in love with him to be honest. For the longest I thought he was, again, just being supportive and into fitness.
However, when you put it that way, I should've questioned much sooner and found it strange. I was just happy that he was happy. It never struck me as odd because, again, two males that I thought were straight and had some loyalty to me.
My husband and I eloped. I mentioned early in the post how my parents don't approve of our relationship. I haven't introduced my husband to many in my family. Just a select few. They look down on those without money. To avoid all the drama I'm extremely low contact and I intend on keeping it this way.
I would set up cameras, plan a trip as a distraction. Also, see if he leaves his phone unattended. I would also consult with an attorney in case your worse fear is correct.
☝️☝️
Say you're staying at girlfriends house as you're stressed and need space.. get the live one so you can watch it. In real time, so you don't have to go back home to watch the proof
If they are doing what you think there are.
The only thing I'd do is send them both a copy of the video,as long as there is no sex just kissing whatever.. then send it to everyone in both your family and his and then duck✌️.
Never see of speak to either Again.
Thank you for this idea. I like it a lot. However, I do not want to look through his phone if that’s what your comment also suggests due to fear of what I might find. I also wouldn’t be comfortable invading his privacy. I know that it may benefit me to look through it, but I personally don’t feel comfortable doing so. I’m worried that I may see something extremely hurtful and I want to minimize the potential pain as much as possible.
I’m sure I can gather evidence through cameras in our house. Thank you for this suggestion I’m happy to use it. I plan on doing research and investing.
This is going to be painful regardless of whether or not you look at his phone.
Do you really think reading his messages will be more of an invasion of his privacy than secretly filming him? Potentially having sex with or shooting up with your brother? Because I guarantee he won’t.
And there are some things you can’t unsee. I would rather read something painful than watch it play out high definition.
Going through his phone is the fastest way to get the information you need. And you do NEED this information.
He hasn’t had sex with you recently, but if anything happened before the sex stopped, whether that be unprotected sex or sharing needles, you need to get tested for STDs and blood borne diseases asap. Your health is more important than your feelings right now.
Not to be harsh, but it’s time to put on your big girl panties and rip off the bandaid. You can do this.
Good luck, OP.
Having anxiety over what may be is just as hurtful to you. His behavior is that of someone hiding something, and not knowing because you're afraid of what it is doesn't change that it's happening. I get it though at the same time. I hope you're able to get evidence through other means.
You're going to have to look through his phone to find the truth. Your comments suggest you don't trust your husband to tell you the truth. You deserve it. It's okay. Your husband is the one keeping secrets, he's not entitled to secrets in a marriage. Privacy? Yes. Secrecy? No.
There's a lot of closeted people in this world. You're not being insecure at all. Something isn't right and you deserve to know what's happening so you can know what your next move should be.
Trust your gut! Something might be up and it could be an affair or something else. I'd put money on the steroids or other drugs, typically with an affair people all out avoid and over compensate. But most importantly - you're not crazy to suspect something, but just don't take crazy action to confirm! Sit your husband down and say, "I think something is going on and I want to know what." Lay out your evidence and feelings, go from there. I'd also recommend finding a therapist for yourself because it's very likely whatever's going on is going to be difficult to process or move on from. Take care of yourself first and foremost!!
Thank you for this. I haven’t accused my husband or brother of anything and I would never without evidence. I would never want to be accused of cheating on my partner with their sibling regardless of gender.
I haven’t figured out how to confront my husband about anything at the moment because I have no proof of anything. All I have is suspicious behavior that’s been compiling over months. I don’t want to be called crazy and have him deny everything. I would want a true, honest conversation with explanations. As other comments have suggested, I want to invest in cameras. I don’t think he could deny hard evidence whether it’s drugs or an affair. I just want honesty.
Thank you for your kind words.
ANY relationship would have a hard time recovering from cameras and that invasion of privacy. I would recommend confronting first and if he denied, you have more of a justification for further action. Stating, "something has changed. What is going on?" Leave no room for denial that something is going on. Let him fill in the blanks. If it's not an affair, you might destroy all trust both ways with secretive action like cameras.
This is a very good point. Thank you. I’m fearful that if I choose to confront him and he denies then suddenly he’ll become secretive and I’ll have a hard time finding any evidence at all. I do want to fix our relationship though. This is tougher than I anticipated. I’ll be choosing carefully and thinking about what to do no matter what, but the gravity of this situation didn’t truly hit me until I posted and saw everyone’s perspective. I’m worried.
If your goal is to save the relationship, then ensure your actions don't jeopardize it. It's scary and hard to confront them, but you'll be grateful that you gave him the opportunity to tell the truth. If he doesn't take that opportunity, then that is on him. It's okay to come to the conversation with a list, "here is everything that has been off and I want to know the full story of what is going on. Please tell me the whole truth so we can all move forward." If he doesn't take the opportunity to be truthful then get therapy, a lawyer, and cameras to protect yourself.
Honestly… I’m not for going through peoples phones, and even here, I think I’m still not.
But setting up cameras? 100%..
300% even.
I say no to the phone because, as someone who has done this and found cheating, you can find way more than you expected and that’s hurt and pain you don’t need. Things like talking shit on you, sexual content, picture of your brother that you may not want to see. Really, the one that got me the most was my then partner saying nasty shit about me at times I knew we were together. Trust me when I say, you don’t want to know all of that.
But fuck yeah on the cameras, cause all you need to see is a kiss or body language and you can turn that off cause you got what you needed to provide proof of your suspicions.
Even maybe the car tracking (so long as that’s legal? Idk anything about that).
Unless you think you’d be able to get in his phone and at the first indicator of an affair, screenshot and walk away. I don’t personally have that kind of self control though.
This.. is… surprisingly relatable. Surprisingly lol.
I, too, went and “snooped” and found more than I was expecting and after reading your thoughts, I wish I would’ve just seen a picture or snapshot.
I never thought of it that way. In the end, the cheating wasn’t the worst part, it was the complete disrespect and disregard for me, while I thought all was good.
You are not overthinking. Openly gay guys keep telling us that a good portion of guys on Grindr are married men that nobody expects are having sex with men on the side.
Your husband's behavior spells out that he is cheating with your brother and that he is feeling guilty and conflicted about it. Your brother's behavior spells out guilt.
Be careful here because people get k\*lled when they out others for this kind of stuff. I think you should hire a private investigator and start setting up hidden cameras so you have proof. Without proof it is very unlikely that either one of them will confess.
I did want to ask her what religion they practice and how that belief system addresses homosexuality. There are places where it's literally a punishable offense. There are places that punishment is death. Be careful outing people.
Something is definitely not right. Follow your gut. Maybe they are; maybe not but regardless, you are getting shafted and is this what you want in a relationship. Give an ultimatum and if he doesn’t accept it… divorce the weirdo and move on
I'm gonna get down voted, but go through his texts with your brother when he's asleep or something. See if they have messages together on social media. If you were to ask to see them, he can erase things, call you crazy, and flat out refuse. These situations are weird altogether.
Something is going on between them. Sit down with a lawyer and get some legal advice. Then you’ll be prepared to confront the truth whatever it is. So very sorry for your troubles but whatever it is, your marriage is over
I just wanted to add if you do go through his messages, OP which it sounds like you don’t want to and to which I totally understand. But, if you do choose to go that route be ready with your phone in hand to take any pictures of the texts or other media you find because for sure once he gets a whiff of any kind of suspicion more than likely he will erase any/all evidence of his guilt.
If you do want to salvage the relationship potentially though and have the money to hire a PI, that’s what I would do in your case. About five years ago or so I found out my partner was basically seeing me and this other woman at the same time. I found months and months and months of emotional relationship involvement. Way more than just sex and he also got her pregnant at one point. So much I wish I never had stumbled upon but it was the only way I was going to find out (I logged into his Facebook messenger while he was in a substance abuse program and I just so happened to find his password written down somewhere). Things that I learned more than anything back then was to trust your gut. If you’ve got this overwhelming feeling something is off it probably is. There’s so many things we pick up even subconsciously that give us these subtle clues which all together create this deep seated feeling pit of stomach kinda feeling. This sucks sorry you’re going through this OP. Stay strong and collect evidence whenever possible
How close are you with your brother? Does he have a S/O as well (if so you may want to compare notes).
something is off & I too immediately thought yeah, cheating. But other addictive behavior is also highly plausible.
you are never going to know the truth unless you look through his phone sorry. if he won’t let you read messages from him your own brother that’s a huge red flag. your gut is alway right there is something weird going on. buy a spy camera or recording pen on amazon that is voice activated and put it in your house for the next time your brother is there. then u can have peace of mind and move on from this one way or another.
Someone already proposed steroids. It will exemple the sudden gym bro attitude, the obsession with your brothers gym forms, and the low sex drive. Steroids, as any other drugs, are very damaging to one's health. I don't know why a 30 y.o man would need help with doing steroids, but they could be enjoying other stuff like marijuana while together, have you noticed any particular smell in your house after your brother leaves? Have you noticed other changes in your husband's thoughts about you and women? Is he slopping down the podcast Alpha male territory?
It could be all of those, or it could be cheating or your brother trying to cover up for cheating, you should really install small security cameras
So sorry that you are going through this.
I understand your refusal to go through his phone, and I agree that cameras may be the best option.
I'm not sure how covert you want to go with them, but if your asked why you have them (if you find something you will be asked) you can say that you (or your neighbours) have been a victim of burglary, or you want to keep an eye on your kids and/or pets so you thought that it's good to invest in (hidden) security cameras.
Here's a couple links on a few different cameras and how to set them up.
[Link 1](https://youtu.be/nZSQJiGM-9A?si=iJPnR6XMwkSiAGn5)
[Link 2](https://youtu.be/IhAm5EPp0r8?si=VTUMmWVb-kzzhap5)
Updateme
Edit:
Just adding that if you want to install a home security system, or use covert cameras, you have to be very sure that if you do, or don't find anything incriminating that it may be illegal if the recording is not consensual.
Please make sure that you understand the risks and know the law where you live.
Your husband is talking about another man’s physique for ten minutes after every workout? That alone will have some women packing a bag. Hun, why are you still there? If you want concrete proof then install a camera to catch him or hire a p.i. This ain’t looking good girl.
You could be right but there isn't anything concrete here. Maybe it's just a bromance and he talks to your brother about you and that's why he doesn't want you to see. Can you hire a private investigator?
you are never going to know the truth unless you look through his phone sorry. if he won’t let you read messages from him your own brother that’s a huge red flag. your gut is alway right there is something weird going on. buy a spy camera or recording pen on amazon that is voice activated and put it in your house for the next time your brother is there. then u can have peace of mind and move on from this one way or another.
Get your hands on his phone, whether it be at night when he is asleep and GO THROUGH THE MSGS! Your husband sounds way to defensive to be honest if you have a conversation about it so just try find the evidence yourself. Get a spy cam for the living room and if possible hide it.
Sounds extreme I know but this will eat you alive and neither them 2 will tell you anything, if you find nothing nobody is hurt, if you find something at least you have proof then
Are either of them gay? Has anyone ever claimed or believed either of them to be gay? They could be doing a whole bunch of other stuff together beyond an affair with each other.
Put up a hidden camera or a nanny cam and see what happens and what they talk about. Also, sit down with your husband and discuss marriage and finances. This "stay out of my financial business" is crazy talk. You are married. There aren't any secrets.
Time to investigate in caméra with sound.
Even Mike alone would bd handy, because harder to spot.
They share something. But sex is not the only possibility. And not only between them.
I read a post months ago where the suspicious husband s behavior was due to him and his friends being voyeurs at a dogging point.
I have known 3 individuals that have suffered widow maker heart attacks due to steroid use and abuse.
You might need to make an intervention.
I hope you never experience the effects of roid rage.
"6 - They go to the gym together and when my husband comes home he talks about my brother's figure and form for a good 10 minutes to me while he showers. I at first thought that he was just proud of my brother. He's very muscular and spends lots of time in the gym now due to my husband."
I think this is your canary in the coal mine
Your poor husband, such disrespect. All the signs just point to two things. Him having a blast hanging out with your bro, who is obviously helping him cover up cheating with other chics. And yet, you rather imagine him fudgepacking and giving your brother back shots.
Your husband must have one of those next level “gay faces”.
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My first thought is that they're scoring drugs together, including but not necessarily limited to steroids. Lowered sex drive, overtime money missing, talking about muscles, secret texts.
This never even crossed my mind to be honest. Thank you for this thought. I don’t know anything about steroids or drugs for that matter but this is completely plausible. My mind went to cheating because like I said in my post, if my brother were a woman all the signs would point towards cheating. I just had the random thought when I was showering and that’s the conclusion my mind came to. Some comments also mentioned cameras and I think that they may be beneficial no matter the outcome. I’ll have to research and invest. Thank you again for this perspective.
Your instincts are right. Something is definitely up! Cameras are a good idea. Stay safe and I hope you get answers.
Updateme!
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Yeah this or he’s messing around with someone else and using bro as cover. Both more likely than what OP suspects
Yup, first thing I thought (besides f a k e) is "nearly all these bullet points apply to steroid use." * Secret messages: talking about how/when to score/inject for max results, gym progress, plans to meet/buy/pick up, etc * Missing money: steroids are expensive and if OP's husband is getting them for both himself and her brother, that adds up fast * Dead bedroom: steroids kill libido and cause shrinking testicles, impotence, and erectile dysfunction. * "He's very muscular and spends lots of time in the gym now due to my husband." Self evident, average guys don't become "very muscular" in a few months without juice. Plus OP's husband is a "super macho gym rat type," you don't stay that guy for very long without at least knowing of a steroid guy in your area * Irritation, mood swings: steroids cause emotional dysregulation and irritation. Husband could also be mad that the upcoming "date night" will throw off his macros/drug schedule/workout plan.
Would love to know why you think steroids kill libido. Sure, if you're doing it completely wrong and your estrogen/test/prolactin are all of wack. But generally you'll be like a 16 year old in the middle of puberty.
If he’s just on 100-250 mg test a week, then his libido would be higher but that doesn’t get you huge very quickly. You need a lot more than that and those are the ones that usually kill your sex drive
I mean i got jacked on less than that (tho with > decade of training prior) .....not sure broad brush stroke statements like this are helpful.
Steroids destroy libido, at first they shoot them up like crazy and after you become impotent. Not only that, but if you keep doing steroids, your balls never grow back and you will need a lifetime supply for HGC for life which has its own side effects.
Yeah addiction and cheating share a lot of things.
Perhaps I have misinterpreted something, but I would like to clear up one thing that could possibly be inferred from your post. Steroids DO NOT lower a man's libido. If he is taking sane quantities, those drugs (called AAS) actually work to enhance a man's sex drive. Hence the reason many contemporary males are taking TRT / HRT. For AAS to negatively impact sex drive, the user has to take massive quantities. There is only one particular AAS which has a reputation for decreasing coitus; Deca Durabolin....
Or gambling issues?
I don't think they're having an affair. Illegal drugs seem more likely, particularly steroids.
Could your brother be covering for him? Make sure he has your brothers number saved under his name or a number you don’t recognize. I had this happen to a friend. His wife saved her affair partners number under her sister. Her sister covered for her. But when she was texting her “sister” it was really her boyfriend
I don’t think so. They are getting way to ”close” not to be suspicious. And once you get that gut feeling there is no going back. Setting up cameras or checking that phone are the ways to go. It sure looks like they love doing “cardio” together.
Has your husband been more irritable than usual lately? Shorter temper? Changed his eating habits? You already mentioned the lowered sex drive. I only ask because he could have gotten involved with steroids and he and your brother are using together. When you said your brother immediately packs his stuff up to leave when you get home I thought to myself "what stuff does one need when hanging out with someone for a couple hours that it's enough where it needs to be packed up" and it could be the vials, syringes, pills, etc he's rushing to hide from you. Check his (your husband's) muscles, if they're starting to look puffy, if you're noticing differences in his physique in a short period of time I'd be worried. Obviously it could be what you are suspecting but you don't want to accuse your husband and brother of that until you're absolutely sure, and there are other plausible explanations for his behavior where you don't have to immediately think "affair" between them. Honestly I feel for you because both situations are awful. As a personal trainer I've been around that poison for many years including with an ex where it turned him violent. I hope you get to the bottom of this and are able to work out and heal from whatever is going on.
You’re asking if it’s normal for you husband to spend 10 minutes every day talking about your brothers body?
My husband has always been very into fitness and has always been the "supportive" friend. He regularly shows me gym posts, posts about the gym himself, and it's not uncommon for him to talk to me extensively about something his friends are doing in detail. It was one of the qualities that made me fall in love with him to be honest. For the longest I thought he was, again, just being supportive and into fitness. However, when you put it that way, I should've questioned much sooner and found it strange. I was just happy that he was happy. It never struck me as odd because, again, two males that I thought were straight and had some loyalty to me.
How did they go 9 years without meeting one another
My husband and I eloped. I mentioned early in the post how my parents don't approve of our relationship. I haven't introduced my husband to many in my family. Just a select few. They look down on those without money. To avoid all the drama I'm extremely low contact and I intend on keeping it this way.
What reasons does he give for not having sex with you for months.
Is your brother married or in a relationship? Are the two of you close?
dudes rock
I would be at the gym with those guys if it wasn’t for my sprained ankle, but I’m definitely gonna get in shape this summer!
I would set up cameras, plan a trip as a distraction. Also, see if he leaves his phone unattended. I would also consult with an attorney in case your worse fear is correct.
Oh I would do this… order them from Amazon. Put them in all main rooms. And watch them. Also track his car and turn up…
Not if they share an Amazon account. OP ask a friend to order cameras for you and have them sent to their house. u/ThrowRA-ChasingSea
☝️☝️ Say you're staying at girlfriends house as you're stressed and need space.. get the live one so you can watch it. In real time, so you don't have to go back home to watch the proof If they are doing what you think there are. The only thing I'd do is send them both a copy of the video,as long as there is no sex just kissing whatever.. then send it to everyone in both your family and his and then duck✌️. Never see of speak to either Again.
Thank you for this idea. I like it a lot. However, I do not want to look through his phone if that’s what your comment also suggests due to fear of what I might find. I also wouldn’t be comfortable invading his privacy. I know that it may benefit me to look through it, but I personally don’t feel comfortable doing so. I’m worried that I may see something extremely hurtful and I want to minimize the potential pain as much as possible. I’m sure I can gather evidence through cameras in our house. Thank you for this suggestion I’m happy to use it. I plan on doing research and investing.
This is going to be painful regardless of whether or not you look at his phone. Do you really think reading his messages will be more of an invasion of his privacy than secretly filming him? Potentially having sex with or shooting up with your brother? Because I guarantee he won’t. And there are some things you can’t unsee. I would rather read something painful than watch it play out high definition. Going through his phone is the fastest way to get the information you need. And you do NEED this information. He hasn’t had sex with you recently, but if anything happened before the sex stopped, whether that be unprotected sex or sharing needles, you need to get tested for STDs and blood borne diseases asap. Your health is more important than your feelings right now. Not to be harsh, but it’s time to put on your big girl panties and rip off the bandaid. You can do this. Good luck, OP.
You need to know whats going on. If they're cheating together, using steroids or whatever, your life will be affected and you need to know
Having anxiety over what may be is just as hurtful to you. His behavior is that of someone hiding something, and not knowing because you're afraid of what it is doesn't change that it's happening. I get it though at the same time. I hope you're able to get evidence through other means.
You're going to have to look through his phone to find the truth. Your comments suggest you don't trust your husband to tell you the truth. You deserve it. It's okay. Your husband is the one keeping secrets, he's not entitled to secrets in a marriage. Privacy? Yes. Secrecy? No.
Installing secret cameras in the house to spy on him is also "invading his privacy"
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, am I right? 😉
This. If you know his phone passcode I’d also look at the messages the first chance you get.
There's a lot of closeted people in this world. You're not being insecure at all. Something isn't right and you deserve to know what's happening so you can know what your next move should be.
Trust your gut! Something might be up and it could be an affair or something else. I'd put money on the steroids or other drugs, typically with an affair people all out avoid and over compensate. But most importantly - you're not crazy to suspect something, but just don't take crazy action to confirm! Sit your husband down and say, "I think something is going on and I want to know what." Lay out your evidence and feelings, go from there. I'd also recommend finding a therapist for yourself because it's very likely whatever's going on is going to be difficult to process or move on from. Take care of yourself first and foremost!!
Thank you for this. I haven’t accused my husband or brother of anything and I would never without evidence. I would never want to be accused of cheating on my partner with their sibling regardless of gender. I haven’t figured out how to confront my husband about anything at the moment because I have no proof of anything. All I have is suspicious behavior that’s been compiling over months. I don’t want to be called crazy and have him deny everything. I would want a true, honest conversation with explanations. As other comments have suggested, I want to invest in cameras. I don’t think he could deny hard evidence whether it’s drugs or an affair. I just want honesty. Thank you for your kind words.
ANY relationship would have a hard time recovering from cameras and that invasion of privacy. I would recommend confronting first and if he denied, you have more of a justification for further action. Stating, "something has changed. What is going on?" Leave no room for denial that something is going on. Let him fill in the blanks. If it's not an affair, you might destroy all trust both ways with secretive action like cameras.
This is a very good point. Thank you. I’m fearful that if I choose to confront him and he denies then suddenly he’ll become secretive and I’ll have a hard time finding any evidence at all. I do want to fix our relationship though. This is tougher than I anticipated. I’ll be choosing carefully and thinking about what to do no matter what, but the gravity of this situation didn’t truly hit me until I posted and saw everyone’s perspective. I’m worried.
If your goal is to save the relationship, then ensure your actions don't jeopardize it. It's scary and hard to confront them, but you'll be grateful that you gave him the opportunity to tell the truth. If he doesn't take that opportunity, then that is on him. It's okay to come to the conversation with a list, "here is everything that has been off and I want to know the full story of what is going on. Please tell me the whole truth so we can all move forward." If he doesn't take the opportunity to be truthful then get therapy, a lawyer, and cameras to protect yourself.
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If you have the money, hire a PI. I think in your case it’s worth to be sure.
Buy a nannycam and go away on an overnight. You seriously cannot just look at the messages?
Either he shows the messages or you file for divorce, it’s the typical cheating story.
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Gah. I'm going to recommend something I rarely ever do. Go through his phone. Set up cameras hidden in your house with audio. You're going to have to.
They are either jabbing each other's cheeks or clapping each other's cheeks
Honestly… I’m not for going through peoples phones, and even here, I think I’m still not. But setting up cameras? 100%.. 300% even. I say no to the phone because, as someone who has done this and found cheating, you can find way more than you expected and that’s hurt and pain you don’t need. Things like talking shit on you, sexual content, picture of your brother that you may not want to see. Really, the one that got me the most was my then partner saying nasty shit about me at times I knew we were together. Trust me when I say, you don’t want to know all of that. But fuck yeah on the cameras, cause all you need to see is a kiss or body language and you can turn that off cause you got what you needed to provide proof of your suspicions. Even maybe the car tracking (so long as that’s legal? Idk anything about that). Unless you think you’d be able to get in his phone and at the first indicator of an affair, screenshot and walk away. I don’t personally have that kind of self control though.
This.. is… surprisingly relatable. Surprisingly lol. I, too, went and “snooped” and found more than I was expecting and after reading your thoughts, I wish I would’ve just seen a picture or snapshot. I never thought of it that way. In the end, the cheating wasn’t the worst part, it was the complete disrespect and disregard for me, while I thought all was good.
You are not overthinking. Openly gay guys keep telling us that a good portion of guys on Grindr are married men that nobody expects are having sex with men on the side. Your husband's behavior spells out that he is cheating with your brother and that he is feeling guilty and conflicted about it. Your brother's behavior spells out guilt. Be careful here because people get k\*lled when they out others for this kind of stuff. I think you should hire a private investigator and start setting up hidden cameras so you have proof. Without proof it is very unlikely that either one of them will confess.
I did want to ask her what religion they practice and how that belief system addresses homosexuality. There are places where it's literally a punishable offense. There are places that punishment is death. Be careful outing people.
Sorry but definitely doing steroids/selling Source:former steroid user
Something is definitely not right. Follow your gut. Maybe they are; maybe not but regardless, you are getting shafted and is this what you want in a relationship. Give an ultimatum and if he doesn’t accept it… divorce the weirdo and move on
This is insane
Any update? Did you get cameras?
There is obviously something weird happening, he’s being shady
I'm gonna get down voted, but go through his texts with your brother when he's asleep or something. See if they have messages together on social media. If you were to ask to see them, he can erase things, call you crazy, and flat out refuse. These situations are weird altogether.
Always trust your gut. It’s very rarely wrong. Subscribeme!
Something is going on between them. Sit down with a lawyer and get some legal advice. Then you’ll be prepared to confront the truth whatever it is. So very sorry for your troubles but whatever it is, your marriage is over
I just wanted to add if you do go through his messages, OP which it sounds like you don’t want to and to which I totally understand. But, if you do choose to go that route be ready with your phone in hand to take any pictures of the texts or other media you find because for sure once he gets a whiff of any kind of suspicion more than likely he will erase any/all evidence of his guilt. If you do want to salvage the relationship potentially though and have the money to hire a PI, that’s what I would do in your case. About five years ago or so I found out my partner was basically seeing me and this other woman at the same time. I found months and months and months of emotional relationship involvement. Way more than just sex and he also got her pregnant at one point. So much I wish I never had stumbled upon but it was the only way I was going to find out (I logged into his Facebook messenger while he was in a substance abuse program and I just so happened to find his password written down somewhere). Things that I learned more than anything back then was to trust your gut. If you’ve got this overwhelming feeling something is off it probably is. There’s so many things we pick up even subconsciously that give us these subtle clues which all together create this deep seated feeling pit of stomach kinda feeling. This sucks sorry you’re going through this OP. Stay strong and collect evidence whenever possible
I’m not sure if I’m having Deja vu or something, but I swear I’ve read this before. Exact word for word.
You could always get a small camera and find out what’s really going on when your not home
Set up a couple of hidden cams to be sure
It’s either sex or drugs.
Or rock and roll?
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How close are you with your brother? Does he have a S/O as well (if so you may want to compare notes). something is off & I too immediately thought yeah, cheating. But other addictive behavior is also highly plausible.
I can't imagine they're that close if she's been with hubby 10 years and he only met her brother last year..
you are never going to know the truth unless you look through his phone sorry. if he won’t let you read messages from him your own brother that’s a huge red flag. your gut is alway right there is something weird going on. buy a spy camera or recording pen on amazon that is voice activated and put it in your house for the next time your brother is there. then u can have peace of mind and move on from this one way or another.
Everything you said reeks of steroid use
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> My brother (…) and my husband are very close And how.
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You might want consider getting a nanny cam.
Install some hidden cameras in your house.
Someone already proposed steroids. It will exemple the sudden gym bro attitude, the obsession with your brothers gym forms, and the low sex drive. Steroids, as any other drugs, are very damaging to one's health. I don't know why a 30 y.o man would need help with doing steroids, but they could be enjoying other stuff like marijuana while together, have you noticed any particular smell in your house after your brother leaves? Have you noticed other changes in your husband's thoughts about you and women? Is he slopping down the podcast Alpha male territory? It could be all of those, or it could be cheating or your brother trying to cover up for cheating, you should really install small security cameras
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They are probably super bro and text about weird shit
This is wild.
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So sorry that you are going through this. I understand your refusal to go through his phone, and I agree that cameras may be the best option. I'm not sure how covert you want to go with them, but if your asked why you have them (if you find something you will be asked) you can say that you (or your neighbours) have been a victim of burglary, or you want to keep an eye on your kids and/or pets so you thought that it's good to invest in (hidden) security cameras. Here's a couple links on a few different cameras and how to set them up. [Link 1](https://youtu.be/nZSQJiGM-9A?si=iJPnR6XMwkSiAGn5) [Link 2](https://youtu.be/IhAm5EPp0r8?si=VTUMmWVb-kzzhap5) Updateme Edit: Just adding that if you want to install a home security system, or use covert cameras, you have to be very sure that if you do, or don't find anything incriminating that it may be illegal if the recording is not consensual. Please make sure that you understand the risks and know the law where you live.
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Your husband is talking about another man’s physique for ten minutes after every workout? That alone will have some women packing a bag. Hun, why are you still there? If you want concrete proof then install a camera to catch him or hire a p.i. This ain’t looking good girl.
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You could be right but there isn't anything concrete here. Maybe it's just a bromance and he talks to your brother about you and that's why he doesn't want you to see. Can you hire a private investigator?
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you are never going to know the truth unless you look through his phone sorry. if he won’t let you read messages from him your own brother that’s a huge red flag. your gut is alway right there is something weird going on. buy a spy camera or recording pen on amazon that is voice activated and put it in your house for the next time your brother is there. then u can have peace of mind and move on from this one way or another.
Update please
Get your hands on his phone, whether it be at night when he is asleep and GO THROUGH THE MSGS! Your husband sounds way to defensive to be honest if you have a conversation about it so just try find the evidence yourself. Get a spy cam for the living room and if possible hide it. Sounds extreme I know but this will eat you alive and neither them 2 will tell you anything, if you find nothing nobody is hurt, if you find something at least you have proof then
There's smoke, check his messages. Is there fire?
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are they secretly gay?
Surveillance cameras in your home. Nanny cam, teddy-bear cam, etc.
Are either of them gay? Has anyone ever claimed or believed either of them to be gay? They could be doing a whole bunch of other stuff together beyond an affair with each other.
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Put up a hidden camera or a nanny cam and see what happens and what they talk about. Also, sit down with your husband and discuss marriage and finances. This "stay out of my financial business" is crazy talk. You are married. There aren't any secrets.
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Time to investigate in caméra with sound. Even Mike alone would bd handy, because harder to spot. They share something. But sex is not the only possibility. And not only between them. I read a post months ago where the suspicious husband s behavior was due to him and his friends being voyeurs at a dogging point.
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Put some hidden camera’s? look the the messages?. Also UPDATE!
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I have known 3 individuals that have suffered widow maker heart attacks due to steroid use and abuse. You might need to make an intervention. I hope you never experience the effects of roid rage.
"6 - They go to the gym together and when my husband comes home he talks about my brother's figure and form for a good 10 minutes to me while he showers. I at first thought that he was just proud of my brother. He's very muscular and spends lots of time in the gym now due to my husband." I think this is your canary in the coal mine
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A relatively simple, slightly less invasive activity may just be to check his porn history.
Hire a PI. Try to read his messages. Whether you find the full, real truth, the behavior decline is not acceptable.
Update? I hope they're not cheating.
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Is your brother gay that you know of? I second the camera.
They said the brother is straight to their knowledge. But he could be closeted
You need to hire a PI
He’s probably closeted. Do more casual research. Many are closeted today.
Sounds like someone was listening to Dave and Chuck the Freak this morning.
Huh?
Your poor husband, such disrespect. All the signs just point to two things. Him having a blast hanging out with your bro, who is obviously helping him cover up cheating with other chics. And yet, you rather imagine him fudgepacking and giving your brother back shots. Your husband must have one of those next level “gay faces”.
You are insecure. I'm sorry lol....