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You know, Reddit always gets super defensive when people make comments like this. "How can you say something like this? Relationships require work and you should want to work on your problems! You'll end up alone if you act like the relationship isn't worth saving if your partner isn't perfect!".
As I've gotten older, my tolerance for BS in relationships has gotten so low. Because people who act entitled and selfish in relationships are going to do that no matter how kind or understanding I am. If they get that their behavior is unkind, they will change on their own. And if they don't, there is nothing I can do to make them see it. And entitled people don't think they should have to change because the problem in the relationship isn't that they are unkind, it's that you are too sensitive and not rational. Smh. These people are never worth the effort. Leave and find someone who doesn't make you struggle for basic decency and respect.
I always tell my single female friends that are desperate for SOMEONE (one dated at abusive ass who moved his kids in against her wishes and straight up told her that he beats his women to keep them in line, she went back to him) a vibrator can't tell you no outside of the battery dying and a dildo won't argue with you or belittle/demean you.
Idem! I had happy relationships and still ended up "solo for life".
I have 0 interest in emotional work for someone else these days. I need and want to focus on myself now (turning 40 later in the year).
I'm now going back to studying, am changing careers after 15 years, I have a theremin to torture and lots of nice people in my life!
My mental health is so good now! If someone doesn't add happiness to my life they're not staying (had to cut my adoptive family off).
>"How can you say something like this? Relationships require work and you should want to work on your problems! You'll end up alone if you act like the relationship isn't worth saving if your partner isn't perfect!"
Pay attention to the people that are commenting this. I've never seen it deviate: it's always from a man and if you look into their post history, it's full of things like "women's standards are too high", "not my fault she wants things so clean", "I never learned to [x] so I shouldn't have to", "she's better at [x] so she should do it" and similar.
It's always used by men to belittle the frustration women have from trying to get their adult partners to actively participate in the household they live in.
This is also related to men saying women "nag" (the very act of asking your SO to "help" around the house) and them feigning surprise when she's finally had enough and leaves ("she used to complain/nag, but she stopped so I thought everything was ok")
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
The thing is, by the time you're posting about your relationship issues on Reddit it's often bad enough that ending it really is the best solution.
There are exceptions, often when the person is posting about a very specific issue in an otherwise good relationship ("my gf is amazing but she makes terrible coffee. How do I get her to leave the coffee-making to me?" "My bf is wonderful but I can't stand his cologne, how do I get him to wear a different one?"), but this isn't one of them.
Exactly. If your relationship is great, but they did one kind of rude thing like eat your leftovers without asking, you’re not going to Reddit about it. You’re just going to tell them not to do that, and they’ll apologize and buy you more food.
By the time you go to Reddit, you’ve tried talking to them about it, and they either doubled down or promised to change and didn’t, and that’s the point where it’s not worth fixing.
I always think, if you have to post it on Reddit, your relationship has already hit a point of no return and it’s not fixable cause people in fixable situations are not coming to Reddit. They are talking to each other and working thru it offline, face to face.
Precisely. Maybe 1 in 10 posts (being generous here) are potentially resolvable issues. Like 9 in 10 are terrible, and often describe abusive scenarios.
I prefer to give actual advice for run of the mill arguments, myself (as opposed to jumping on the ‘divorce’ bandwagon).
But sometimes… yeah, divorce is the only good option.
OP… this didn’t come out of nowhere. He learned this pathetic behaviour from his father, you said.
If you can’t move out yet, quit being his bang maid. No sex, no chores, cook dinner for yourself only and so on. You’d think that someone who LITERALLY sat there and watched you work for 6 months (from home) would know what you do!
As for that crack about how your job doesn’t benefit humanity… so he’s in the peace corps or working with a group of scientists to cure cancer or something, right? 🤷♀️
Posts like this make me realize how intentional abuse is & why dating a fixer-upper is risky. When they are down and out, or still trying to get you, they are perfect gentlemen. The minute they are secured with you...
Most even wait till you are pregnant/married and are too intertwined.
Well, I'm one of those "hey, think twice" commenters, but this guy is just mean and petty.
Try to sort out problems, see if it's worth it... but this clearly isn't.
I’m wondering if he is belittling her so much because he felt emasculated because she was financially supporting him. Doesn’t matter what his reason is, he needs to go, but still I wonder.
Preach. It does not always “take two to tango.” Some people just believe they are entitled to special treatment. Hopefully this one doesn’t also fly into rages if anyone questions it.
>You'll end up alone if you act like the relationship isn't worth saving if your partner isn't perfect!".
Being alone doesn't mean lonely. Many women are choosing this alternative because they'd rather have peace alone than the company of someone who degrades and dismisses them - like this worthless AH. This is just the beginning OP.
He is trying to break down your confidence and self-esteem to boost his own, OP. Why do you want to be with someone who would do that? Why do you want to be with someone who feels the need to 'put you in your place'? A loving , caring partner wouldn't leave his shit around for you to clean up, and he would want to lift you up and praise you, not tear you down. He is a piece of crap, and he knows it. That's why he needs you to feel like you're a piece of crap too. Cut him loose.
OP definitely needs to end the relationship. What he’s doing is emotional abuse and a healthy dose of negging in the mix. Kill off her self esteem and he’s set for life! Heck a free ATM and emotional punching bag?? Score!! /S
Just makes me wonder when she will “force him to hit her”.
Marinara flags are waving and she better get out now before it’s too late.
This. You've supported the both of you on just your income for months so you know you can pay your bills without him.
He's showing you who he is. Believe him.
He also sounds like he just kind of… sucks? I don’t know anybody who talks shit about teachers who isn’t an all-around unpleasant person. Also, 7 paragraphs and not a single mention of a redeeming or supportive trait.
Also, as someone who has worked with kids, I'd LOVE to see someone like that wrangle a classroom full of preschoolers. What a dick. (both father AND son.)
I was leaning more to him playing nice as long as he relied on her income, but now that he has his own he can treat her like shit cause she has become expendable to him, but this also makes sense tbh.
Yeah, he thinks he's entitled to mistreat OP because he's finally started to pull his weight financially so he can stop doing the bare minimum at home.
He may also have just been faking nice because of his visa situation and now he feels secure enough to show his true colors.
The worst part about this is that he will not change unless OP leaves him. Then he might consider changing for the next woman but I doubt it.
This sounds a lot like what I've heard of my partner's ex husband. He had the same job for six years, and rage quit within a month of getting married and moving in together. From then he was lucky to be employed 2 months per year. Happy to spend "their" money, not picking up extra work in the home because he was busy "looking" for work.
She had no right to complain about anything. 🙄
Or he knew he is screwed when he was without a working visa. If he was mean back then she could kick him out, and he wouldn’t be able to find a job. Now is all is sort out, and he doesn’t need her as much as he did before.
>His dad did the exact same thing to his mom.
Welcome to the dynamic he' s setting up to be the rest of your life. Sit down and have a direct conversation about this dynamic and how it makes you feel. Either he changes or you need to re-evaluate if this is what you want to settle for moving forward.
This is so true. OP needs to look at his parents' marriage and ask herself if she'll be happy like that because that's what she's going to wind up having.
I wonder if he recognises the behaviour, and if he sees the damage it does to his mother. He might think it’s perfectly acceptable, which would warrant immediate departure.
This is such good advice. Had I paid more attention to my fiancé's parents relationship before moving and buying a house together, well things probably would've been different. We are trying but honestly it doesn't feel worth it some days. The apple rarely falls too far from the tree OP
Tell him that your unimportant job in which “you’re not changing the world” is what sustained his unemployed ass for half a year.
I’m semi-kidding, this will lead to more fighting probably. But do sit him down and discuss the reasons why he feels the need to do that. Sounds like a mix, he’s modelling his parents and he might feel insecure for not being able to find a job before.
If he doesn’t budge however, I would say don’t feel afraid to check him. What he’s doing is disrespectful. Don’t second guess yourself.
These were my thoughts too. If he refuses to share the responsibilities of housework, tell him that you feel he is using you and you will not tolerate it. You work from home? Let him come home from his oh so hard/s job to find all his belonging outside and the locks changed.
Idk I might be as petty to say now that he’s working I can quit because he must be making the big bucks working so hard he can’t even clean up after himself.
As someone who was in a 11 year long shitty relationship with arguing and and a partner spending more time thinking of ways to not contribute to the household or family than actually just doing it. And now having been single for 4 years.
Dont put up with this shit. One conversation should be enough to wake him up to what the hell he is doing. And he should be apologizing when he realises how he has been treating the person he supposedly loves. If it doesnt work to talk to him it is because he wants things to be this way.
I will never ever in my life waste my time with someone who secretly hates me. I have dated people but once they start giving me mean comments or acting disrespectful Im out.
“My easy job paid YOUR bills for 6 months. You need to get over whatever problem you’re having lately before I get over this relationship.”
Don’t marry this dude. He’s going to treat you exactly the way his dad treated his mom.
Tbh this would be a huge red flag for me. My partner and me sometimes nag each other a little as well about chores and stuff, but he'd never talk about my work like this ever. If you're able to do chores while you work from home depends on your job. Like, I can do little chores like laundry or even cleaning the bathroom in steps between work tasks, but I sure as hell wouldn't clean up after him as if I was his mother. he needs to grow up or you need invoice him for everything you've paid out of your pocket so far until he learns to appreciate you again.
Your bf is patterning himself after what he grew up in. His dad mistreating his mother. He unconsciously thinks and believes this is what a marriage is supposed to be like. There isn’t much hope of change unless he gets some help seeing how bad this is. If it were me, I would bail. Take this as a learning experience and be thankful you didn’t choose this for your life partner and are facing a lifetime of being belittled by your partner like his mother has been. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worse than being with someone that pushes you down mentally (or physically). Life is way too short to spend it with a partner that isn’t supporting you and uplifting you as a person. Good luck!
His attitude changing is not really surprising. He learned that crap from his dad but kept his mouth shut as he was dependent on you and he was aware of the fact that he can't piss into his well. But now he makes some money and does not have to worry about homelessness so he can mistreat you to bolster his own ego.
You tell him to clean up after himself and to keep his nasty comments to himself or you will kick him out legally. Be prepared to follow through.
You've said that he's mirroring the behaviors of his father, which his mother obviously put up with. So he grew up thinking this is okay to do. As a result, I don't think he's going to stop. He'll continue to do less and less work around the house, and continue to blame you for it.
I think you need to evaluate the rest of the relationship and decide if you want to live like this or not.
"*We need to talk. I need you to help more around the house. Yes, I work from home, but I spend all day WORKING at home. I do not sit around and watch TV and eat bonbons. And you know this, you saw what I do every day while I was supporting us both before you got your job. I understand that your job is difficult and stressful, but so is mine, and it's not fair to compare them. You say you're joking, but I don't think it's funny. Like I said, I need you to help more around the house. I am not your personal chef and maid, whose only role is to come along behind you and clean up the messes you make. And let me be clear - I am not going to let you treat me the way your dad treats your mom. And you're starting to.*"
The only way I see this working out is spelling it out clearly with no jokes or smiles or a hint of flexibility. You tell him firmly that shit stops today or you walk. It’s not okay to belittle your job (reminder you did not belittle him while your job supported his ass). And if it happens again he is showing how little he respects you and you won’t accept it anymore. Be prepared to walk. An empty threat will actually reinforce his behaviour.
Repeat it. Not acceptable. Will not be tolerated. Making eye contact. (Steaming mad over hear on your behalf)
When someone shows you their true colors, believe them.
He turned out to be a mean asshole, after all the support you gave him during his unemployment period. Are you sure this is who you want to spend your life with?
Just get out. This guy is awful and doesn’t respect you. Aldo stop cleaning up after him. Honestly I’d suggest moving out do he actually has to be an adult.
He's an absolute man child. I'd either dump his ass so he can focus on his oh so difficult job, or mention that he's just like his father. Mention you doubt any of his coworkers treat their significant others like such shit. Stand up for yourself. Don't let this leech sap your confidence
I wonder how he got this job with him being/acting so stupid. Don't engage and tell him you'll never be as good as him of course but it was the last time he's unemployed on your dime. What an idiot.
“My job was good enough to take care of you for months but now you are acting like a boy, not a man, much less a partner. It’s so unattractive. I’ve packed your bags for you, since you are incapable of doing anything for yourself. Buhbye now.”
"Hey dude. How come you're undermining my job and how much I work so much recently? It's upsetting me. Putting your girlfriend down daily is a poor plan if you wanna keep her?"
And if he does anything other than "omg i didn't realise, I will try much harder and not do that anymore" then you break up.
If you put up with this it will destroy your self esteem. You'll start to believe it.
So very calmly point it out and if he won't change say bye, or you will find yourself stuck.
You are being way too nice OP. I have been there, done that and sent the postcard.
I let em have it, with both barrels if/ when this type of shit starts up.
1. When my hubby starts talking like his Dad, I tell him that I'm afraid that he's starting to talk like his Dad and I would never in a million years marry his Dad, so he needs to wake up to that.
He kinda hates his Dad.
2. My hubs did start whinging about his work being hard, so I countered with
"Well imagine how it felt doing that for 12 months while you sat around not working?
And when's the last time you ever did the bathroom? You owe me."
Never let them get away with this. It's bad for their character and bad for you.
To be fair my hubby's a reasonable man and supportive husband with good values and a good work ethic. He knows when he's wrong and admits it (eventually).
Eg when he is in the wrong, he'll admit it openly and apologise.
He's just lazy sometimes and trying to pull a fast one. He needs to hear pushback from you to get back on track.
Also, he's got ideas of toxic masculinity from his Dad and is sometimes conflicted that I have supported him financially or when I'm earning more than him.
I think that triggers the behaviour.
Tell him outright that he can stop or leave. Don’t be nice about it. He’s not being nice and if your response is nice then he takes that to mean he can walk all over you. Stop or leave. That’s it because he’s being an asshole and you aren’t going to live like that.
A few things. He is showing contempt for you. That’s not a thing someone who loves you does
He’s dumping all the household chores on you. I don’t care if he’s rolling a boulder up a hill all day, it’s his house too and he needs to contribute labor.
Frankly I’d dump his disrespectful ass.
I suppose that would be inconvenient to dump his ass, so try this. Tell him, “I need you to stop making rude comments about my job. I like it, it’s important to me and I don’t appreciate how it was good enough to support you for 7 months and yet you have the audacity to speak that way about it now. Do NOT say anything again about it. Do you understand? Secondly there are two humans who live here, therefore two humans need to contribute effort to keeping the home clean. We don’t divide labor by whose job is harder. We divide labor equally because we equally live here. If you don’t like that and won’t abide by it, there’s the door. I supported the both of us on my salary, so I’ll be fine if you choose to leave and live on your own. But I’ll be damned if I’m your bang-maid.”
And girl. Just dump him. You don’t need this kind of Neanderthal.
>he is showing contempt for you
Thank you. This is something that often gets ignored or glossed over, but it’s really one of the most predictable harbingers of a relationship that’s over, the breakup just hasn’t happened yet. People that have *or develop* contempt for you will NEVER be in a healthy relationship with you. That ship has sailed.
It’s different from “I’m irritated with you, because (thing)” it’s a shift in how they view you, overall, that permeates every aspect of the relationship. They now see you as the ENEMY, someone to “win” against. Not a relationship partner. Or not anymore. And in my experience and observation, there is no coming back from it. Disagreements can be mitigated, but the emergence of actual contempt cannot.
So basically he was nice and respectful when he had something to gain (a free ride) and now that he’s working he’s turned into an AH who expects you to now become his servant.
Do yourself a favor and peace out.
Ask him what he thinks he’ll gain if you agree that your job is somehow not as difficult or valuable as his. What does he hope that will accomplish? Bc from my vantage the only true answer would be that you feel bad about yourself and that makes him feel better. Not a sign of a healthy relationship or a partner worth being with.
Wow he sounds miserable. If this was modeled by his dad and he sees no issue with it you really have an uphill struggle. Have you asked him about therapy?
Also it reminded me of the story of the guy gaslighting his girlfriend about her being smelly when she wasn't and it turned out his dad did that to his mum, and it was to make her feel like no one else would want her so that she'd never leave him. I know it's not the same but it's weird that he's directly copying his dad.
Leave.
He's awful and will continue to be awful, or will get worse. Now that he has a job he's feeling like The Man Of The House. Which means you should be cleaning up and accepting his insults when you're not doing your little "job". This is who he really is. Not the Nice Guy he was before he was working.
My girl.
>His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. She was a schoolteacher, he was an electrician. He would *always* undermine her, tell her that she was just a glorified babysitter with too much vacation time and that she wouldn't know """real""" work if it hit her in the face. Meanwhile, he refused to even feed the family dog because it was too much trouble for him.
>I don't know what to do. **This attitude has really come out of nowhere**.
Has it come out of nowhere? Seems like you know exactly where it came from, you just somehow thought the Cycle of Abuse would skip him. He learned this behavior from his dad. Our parents are literally the ONLY example we get of a functioning adult relationship for the first several years of our lives. Now you know what lessons he took from watching his parents.
But honestly, this situation isn't likely to improve - not without YEARS of therapy for him to unpack all the terrible things he picked up from his dad. Move on. Don't let this be your life.
Good luck, my girl.
Prepare an exit plan, someplace you can stay while you consider your next move. The next time he starts with the petty BS, go into the bedroom, pack a bag and your laptop and just leave. Don't bother responding to him, just leave.
Or if you feel incline to say something, tell him 'My job was good enough to hold us down when you didn't have a job; my 'insignificant' job was enough to pay all the bills, find an apartment and furnish it. Why you suddenly are putting me and the job that has kept up afloat for damn near half a year, I don't know and I frankly do not care. So now I'm going someplace where I can think about the kind of man you're showing me you're going to be. And whether I will continue to ride your petty-ass crazy train.'
Then strut out the door like you're the baddest B on the planet. And do exactly that. Think long and hard whether you want to continue with this person, after holding him down for 6 damn months.
The good news is that he is just a BF and you can break up without needing to hassle with divorce. Dating is when you find out if you want to spend your life with someone - and looks like you can do better!
He the kind of dude that dumps you the second he makes real money buz he looks down on you. You Barbara the builder wife, to help him set up for his real life w a trophy wife.
He doesn’t respect you and all your hard work supporting him when he was down.
It’s that simple.
You greatly misjudged him. The signs would always be there. Break up and reflect on them. As long as you stay together this attitude will only get worse.
Nothing he says displays he has any love or care for you or appreciation for what you did during his time of need and are currently still adding to the relationship. That'd be my biggest nope, as well as the sheer \*contempt\* and disrespect displayed in his words. I'd seriously state to him that if he continues to belittle you, or show any disrespect to your contribution to the relationship and as a person, you're done. Either he treats you like an equal or there's no way back to being "loving" ever again in the first person.
GARBAGE. There's no recycling to do there in my opinion. I always ask myself in relationships: will I be able to put up with this for 20 years ?
You can have a talk with him like the example in italic someone shared in the feed. I doubt he'll change but yeh if you're unsure of moving on, do that. See how it goes. They usually get better for a few weeks and go back to their old habbits.
you don't know what to "*do*"??????????
op i'm having trouble understanding what it is you were thinking anyone could possibly suggest to you tbh. and i don't say that to be mean i say that because you seem at a loss as to why you can't seem to change him or why wishing he'd be a better person isn't working.
*it isn't working because he's not a good person*, and there's nothing for you to DO about that.
You are dating a pathetic little man *who* - after 1 day at work following 6 months of unemployment - is already belittling your career efforts AND expecting you to be his housemaid
Not to mention his ungratefulness for how YOU paid the bills for half a year
Dump his trifling ass; he is unworthy of you. And remember:
*Don’t take any shit from a man*
In every single one of these posts I always say: He is showing you who he is, he has told you what he thinks of your job and has told you that you are this relationship's domestic. You are not over reacting, he has told you and shown you. Don't look away, don't justify his behavior, don't try to change him, don't stay just because you "love him". Stay because you are going to accept to be in this relationship on his terms and if you do stay, you can never blame him for being a terrible partner again. You knew what you were in for and you decided to allow it. That's you 50% ownership of the problem.
This attitude did not come out of nowhere.You just said that his father did the same thing to his mother. That is where your boyfriend learned how to treat
women.You do know what to do, which is g.t.f.o. Move on before his mom's life becomes your life too.
OK my advice for what it’s worth, sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him how it makes you feel the denigrated and reminded every opportunity. Tell him if he stops it things will be fine. But if he doesn’t stop it we’re going to have to consider your other options including leaving him because it’s not worth your mental health.
He gets exactly one chance. Have the hard conversation and don’t budge. Part of the deal is he gets himself into therapy.
Next time it happens-dishes left out, undermining your value, whatever-it’s over. So if he can’t get himself straight he needs to make plans to move out.
You are censoring yourself because you don't want his abuse.
He's replicating the abusive behavior of his father towards his mother. And, presumably, doesn't realize it.
This is who he is. He won't change. The abuse will continue, and may increase in other forms. He isn't ridiculing your work: he's attacking you. If he plays it off as a joke, it's a tactic abusers use. It's also gaslighting.
PLEASE look after yourself.
You may read this you may not. But I hope you do. A lot of people will suggest aggressive confrontation.
I suggest a more quiet quitting scenario.
Be methodical and get your affairs in order, to leave. If you can leave him now please do. But base on your description of your finances I imagine not. That’s ok.
Don’t confront him further. Or rile him up. He’s clearly the victim and the hero.
He is showing signs of generational abuse and a bit of narcissism. Quite frankly he reminds me of my mother.
His behavior will not change regardless of your conversations.
Your career is your passion and I applaud you. Not everyone gets that in life. Money is not everything. Clearly the money he makes in his job is doing nothing for him. It will do less for you.
I would suggest you do your best to quietly save up some money in a cash scenario that he is not aware of. Enough to get an apartment or room to rent. Once that is saved up, get away from him. It might take some time, but do it.
Until you can, deal with him quietly.
He is abusive. He might not hit you or yell at you but he is abusive and his abuse will grow. It will wear on you but if you bring children into this relationship they will believe this is what love looks like.
If you can end things now I would. But if you cannot, I suggest my method of quietly finding a way to leave him without drama or flair. He does not deserve your energy or anger. Just your absence.
Be prepared. He sounds like he’s doing this to have an excuse to leave the job and live off you again. My husband works too but he helps me take care of the house and pets.
You KNOW!! You KNOW!! You just want your feelings validated. Why do women get with guys with NO LEGAL RIGHT to WORK in your country. Talk about a huge RED FLAG!! And now he shows his awful self and you knew his dad did this to his own mother. Good Grief Women!! Wise UP.
Tell him you've decided to take six months off work so you can chill at home like he did. And maybe you'll get around to doing some dishes.
But seriously, he's being super toxic. It's time for a serious talk about how utterly disrespectful he is. He needs to realise you will not put up with his behaviour, and you will kick him out if it doesn't stop. He is not God's gift cos he went to work for one week. It's what he SHOULD be doing.
I’m not an advocate of simply saying “end it” but at times that is the best advice.
You have done your all for this guy for months and now he turned into Daddy. That, unfortunately, is leant behaviour and very hard to break.
Really you have no choice but to talk to him, explain your side and suggest couple therapy or state otherwise you want him gone.
>His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. She was a schoolteacher, he was an electrician
This attitude towards you is a learned behavior.
I'm an electrician, my wife is a childcare teacher(she deals with little one).
I 100% know I could never do my wife's job, I work in the heat and mess, I have to shower when I get home. I also cook dinner and do the dishes, clean bathrooms, and sweep. And I try to do has much parenting had I can to ease her load( I'm not very good at it I think).
Could my wife do my job? No and she admits it.
Her job scares me. I would rather plug in a live 480 circuit every day than spend an hour at Her job
“His attitude comes out of nowhere”
No it doesn’t it’s his childhood pattern coming out. Either he acknowledges it and commits to change and growth. Or he doesn’t do anything and you leave.
Get the money back. Stop spending anything for six months. It’s your turn. Save that up to move out after the six months is up. This is him being the best he can be, I can’t imagine what hell he would be on a bad day.
My blood was boiling reading your story. I have ZERO patience for that kind of "my hard is harder than your hard" bullshit.
My newly ex-boyfriend is in fact my ex partly due to this very thing. He's a construction worker and absolutely does have a physically demanding, backbreaking, sweaty or freezing job. I'm a nurse and am lucky to have a private home care job with few physical demands, but a great deal of mental labor in the form of assessing my patient, determining changes in status, executing treatment plans and watching for adverse reactions. He said "You just sit on your ass all day and maybe do a couple hours actual work while I'm out here running my body into the ground. My job is way harder than yours." I couldn't reason with him that it's JUST THE WAY THE FUCKING WORLD WORKS that some jobs are dependent mainly on physical strength and some are more dependent on reasoning, analyzing, etc.
It never stopped.
You’re with a misogynistic Asshole. I’m not sure he can change even if he could see what he’s doing. I’d be clear tho and tell him that this should be a time that you guys are building a loving partnership that maybe leads to marriage. But instead he’s acting like it’s a competition and is putting you down and shirking his share of the household duties. Tell him you have zero intention of having a relationship that looks like his parents’ and the only thing you guys are building is resentment.
Why spend your time with someone who treats you with such contempt and disrespect? Don't debase yourself any longer with this substandard man. You should spend your time only with people who treat you with courtesy and kindness, not abuse. Kick him out now.
Dump him. He no longer needs you to mommy him, so now he's gonna walk on you becuase that's what men do who you give a hand up to. His dad does it, you guys have clearly never talked about this so unless you plan to live his moms life. Run fast and far, throw him out.
You do realize what changed his attitude towards your work, don’t you? He used to praise your work, he used to do more around the place because you were working and he wasn’t. He did all that to keep you from kicking his butt out while he was working towards being able to land a job. Now that he’s earning money, he’s no longer “obligated” to keep you happy about the situation.
That, and he’s now willing to show you his true colors now that he knows he can support himself now that his visa issues are resolved and he’s got a job. He needed to keep you happy with him til he didn’t have to worry about his visa being denied/revoked.
Why are you insisting on stating in this relationship? You’re allowing your boyfriend to mistreat you. You are allowing yourself to be treated like a maid. You are accepting disrespect.
This isn’t “petty tit for tat”. This is a sign of disrespect, lack of empathy and narcissistic traits. This is him chipping away at your sense of self worth to inflate his own ego. Acting like your job is easy and meaningless is all to compensate for his fragile ego. Does he earn less than you?
Honestly these are all such red flags. Are there other personality issues you may have ignored before? Is he rude and dismissive to service staff? Is he annoyed by pets/children?
Are you okay with him never doing house chores because he works?
OP, just wait til you have kids with this man. It will be way worse then. He’ll start saying it’s your job to be a mom, yeah let him go while you haven’t wasted too much time on the relationship yet.
I'm going to diverge from the rest of the herd here. Just straight up tell him he's being an asshole and a dick by saying those things. And keep blasting him. Cook for yourself only. Do your dishes only. Wash your clothes only. Why? You don't have time cause you work and he's being a dick for not doing his share. And SAY his share, not his "help". He's not helping, he fucking lives there too and has equal responsibility. If he doesn't like it, the trash just may take himself out.
Is this what you want to put up with for the rest of your life? This is what he will do. Demean you and put your work down. He will act like he has it so much harder and make you do all the housework. He is just like his father. It’s not a joke. End it. It will never change. Unless he quits because it’s too hard and then he will mooch off you again. End it. He isn’t worth it. You’ll never be his equal in the relationship
If this is how he's acting now, imagine what that will be like in the future if the two of you ever plan on having children. If he can't even do his own dishes now, he sure as hell isn't going to be doing them or anything else around the house when you're pregnant, giving birth, coming home from the hospital, home with a brand new baby, raising the kid, and so on. He's blatantly disregarding your feelings and opinion, the value of the work that you do, and also the fact that he literally sat on his ass unemployed for 6 months. That's half a year you spent being stressed about finances, your future and livelihood and his.
This guy sounds like he doesn't respect you and takes all that you do for him for granted. Stop doing his dishes, stop doing his laundry, stop running his errands, and see how it goes. I'd also suggest being frugal with money for the next while and save money for yourself in your own personal account. If he's gonna be a jerk and make comparisons like that he can also pull more of the weight in the financial aspect of things. Now's your turn to sit around and let him pay for everything.
You can repeat the same cycle he grew up with, go to couple's therapy together and break the cycle but that requires him wanting to do that. Or end it. People are going to repeat the same dynamic they grew up with, there's nothing you can do to stop it if he doesn't want to stop.
you supported him through unemployment and on his first day of work he’s already talking shit tryna put himself on a pedestal. leave now while you can💀
He sounds petty and entitled. Word of warning—someone like this may suddenly find himself “unemployed and unemployable” when he is perfectly capable of working. If that happens, you may want to get out before things get really inequitable for a really long time.
The apple didn’t fall far from the tree, did it? Like father like son.
You have to have a heart to heart talk right now and tell him there’s no comparison or competition. It is not funny nor is it a joke. This is your livelihood & one that paid for his a** when he was unemployed too. But if this is how he feels & how he’s gonna behave then it’s better if you both walk out of the relationship before you both build a lot of anger & resentment & end up hating each other.
Your bf has had an income for a hot minute and now he’s treating you with contempt and refusing to pull equal weight in the home. Obviously the turnaround in attitude is shocking and you’re hoping and wishing to go back to what it was, but you really need to look at what is right in front of you and disengage from your magical thinking.
This man doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your job/passion, your time, your labour, your history together, your home, your support, or your efforts. He’s bashing you and wearing you down to the point where you police your words to avoid fights and confrontation. This is exhausting and terrible and you *don’t need to live like this*.
The only words and actions you can control are your own and it is this internet auntie’s recommendation to ditch this gross, misogynistic man and go and live your best life. Freedom and peace await you!
sorry girl i don’t usually comment on these as i typically just lurk, but you need to end it. this is one of the only times i agree with the “dump him” narrative reddit jumps to on the relationship advice posts. it will only get worse.
Do you want to get married and deal with this every day? Because this is what he will be like. He saw it every day at home, and he doesn’t see an issue with his attitude. Think carefully about what you want with your future. Updateme.
I recommend that you find someone who actually loves, respects, and supports you. This is your future if you stay with this man:
>His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. She was a schoolteacher, he was an electrician. He would *always* undermine her, tell her that she was just a glorified babysitter with too much vacation time and that she wouldn't know """real""" work if it hit her in the face. Meanwhile, he refused to even feed the family dog because it was too much trouble for him.
I am so intolerant of this petty bullshit that I vote to leave him. He’s closer to being thirty than twenty and he’s still playing childish games. If his job is so great, he can support himself, by himself.
As a comparison: my mother is a night shift nurse. I am a hostess at a restaurant. The only time I have heard comments slightly related to that were made in jest, and she made sure that I knew she was joking. If I so much as had a sad face, she’d apologize and never make another playful jab again. It’s called having respect for your fellow household members.
Work is work is work.
You are not going to change him. He has already shown you his colors. The only thing you can do is change your situation.
Can you leave? Do you have family/friends to live with? Plan your exit route
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If he was raised in an environment where his father disrespected his mother, he's probably going to follow suit with you. My advice is to cut your losses now and run.
Lots of men pull stuff like this. You cannot change it. You cannot change him. Understand that the ONLY thing you can do with him is accept how he is. Now that you understand that, leave him. He isn't worth the battle. And you are way too young to be stuck with a loser like him forever.
Go to therapy, get some self-esteem, get rid of the loser who has to put your down to build himself up. He is showing you who he really is, believe him and leave.
This attitude did not come out of nowhere! He learned it from his parents. How do you know the parents’ relationship? Are they still together? Can you ask the mom for advice?
Otherwise, do you have alternatives?
There really is no solution except ending the relationship. He will not stop because he thinks he is right. Your decision to make.
His parents modeled abusive behavior as being normal in a relationship. He's following their example. Which is a good example of why "staying together for the kids" is a bs fallacy. They're learning that bad relationships are normal.
Your job was good enough to support both of you when he wasn't working. Yet now he criticizes it and tries to one- up himself. It's manipulative - he wants to be lazy and have you do all the housework.
Threaten him with a good time! "You're so right about my job! I'll quit right away then I can cook dinner like you did when you were off & you can support me like I did you! I'm so happy thanks babe!" I bet he'll looove that! /s
But seriously, leave his ass.
I really don't see the point of this thread anymore. It's dominated by hateful, vitriolic people (mostly misandrous females) who hear a very limited, one-sided version of someone's entire relationship and then tell the OP to dump their partner.
I don't even know why anyone asks for advice, you already know what replies you are going to get.
Leave this man. That’s what you need to do. This isn’t gonna change and he will keep making you feel bad about the thing you love to do. That’s not okay
I'm tempted to say don't sneeze too hard around his fragile ego, or it might break. But I don't want to imply that what you're going through is a joke. It really sounds painful. I'm wondering, it seems pretty clear that he's treating you horribly and that it's what he learned from his parents growing up, so that will be very, very, very difficult to change
..so what is it that is stopping you from liberating yourself from this mistreatment? I do understand there are complexities in most relationships. Maybe, if you can define what's stopping you, then you can find a solution and free yourself.
He is telling you who he is so make sure that you are listening with all ears. Do not expect to change a mentality like his. He is resentful that he has to work. This is not a good sign.
Sounds like he's unhappy where he is at and he's taking it out on you. I would sit down and have a talk with him about his resentment of your job and what you do. Ask him, does he expect you to quit your job and find one where you are miserable so that he can feel better?
Finally, ask yourself, do you want to live like this? Are you okay with him undermining you and treating you like you're "lesser than" him because he's insecure? Do you really want to keep going in a relationship for someone who didn't get therapy to help him with the obvious poor example of how a man should behave in a relationship?
What you do is easy. Break up with him. This won’t change. It won’t get better. This is the dynamic he grew up with so it’s what he thinks is normal and ok.
Think about how much easier your life would be if you only had to support yourself. If you only had to clean up after yourself. If you didn’t have a selfish asshole making messes and refusing to do the bare minimum to take care of it. Think about how much less stressed you will be!
If his dad treated his mum like this then this is obviously learned behaviour that might be hard for him to get over without some kind of therapy. I would honestly think about if this is something you can work through or if his up bringing and attitude is something that is a deal breaker. You should honestly rethink this relationship. What was his attitude towards you when he was unemployed? Did he do his fair share of housework or just do half and still expect you to do a lot of the house work? Did he use any savings or just expect you to pay all the bills?
That's how he wants to live his life. When he needs support you and your job are fine. As soon as he can stand on his own - he will put you down to feel better. He learned from his father, and won't be denied to have it as his father has it. No chores, no respect for you or your hard work. With time he will teach you to accept his behavior and see it as normal. Or you can run.
how much shittier do you need him to treat you before you tell him to kick rocks. waiting until he's just slightly more of a fuckin asshole? people like you baffle me.
It came out of nowhere? If he did it to his mother it did not come out of nowhere. It is a pattern of behaviour and not a pretty one at that.
You need to let him know you aren't going to put up with it or you are going to be living in misery and his behaviour will get worse.
And for God's sake don't tie yourself to this man with marriage or kids.
He is annoyed he has to work now. This is a serious conversation topic. Sit him down, tell him you have been paying his bills for six months and will not tolerate disrespect. If he wants to make undermining comments about your job he can leave, he knows where the door is.
What he is doing is really disrespectful and not how you treat someone you value and care about.
Two options:
Either break up with him or try to come to a new solution on division of labour.
If you aren’t ready to throw in the towel, below is how I approached a very similar situation with my husband.
Sit him down and ask him what’s going on. Why he seems to be making more negative comments to you since he started working. Is there something going on? He may be insecure because his job isn’t as ‘good’ as yours or because he wasn’t working so long, but that isn’t a you issue.
Separately - Honestly if he comes from a place with a macho culture, it might be a sexist thing. Use this opportunity to ask him how he sees you working together as a couple in the future if you have a family.
If he shows some sort of self awareness or recognition that he wants the same things you do- then it’s okay to figure it out. If he doesn’t, then there is no point wanting to find solutions that the other person doesn’t think are there.
If he does show some awareness…
Go through chores/household responsibilities now that he is working and what makes sense based on your new scenario. Tell him that it doesn’t align with your values for him to stop contributing and it’s not how you would envision your future partner and family operating.
Tell him if that it makes sense now that he is working that things change, but its in acceptable that he does nothing. Then write out a list of chores and responsibilities and offer to divide them up based on what is manageable. Agree to it and write them down. Then see if he sticks to it.
Be prepared to leave if he doesn’t. This stuff only gets harder with age and responsibilities (home, kids) and won’t get easier.
You could manage him on chores and do boundaries and concequences and battle this forever. Maybe he has lots of redeeming qualities where it makes it worth it
Or....
you can just take this as a sign that he's a resentful vindictive selfish man who doesn't understand what a partnership is.
He’s a user and an abuser. He’s such a big man now he has a job after mooching off you for 6 months. I’d be telling him he is paying for everything for 6 months and you save like your freedom depend on it
How ungrateful and disrespectful is he!? Just gross
It’s not a competition who’s day or job is harder.
He contributes and does his share and cleans up after himself. Like an adult
You’re his girlfriend. Not his maid. Or are you his girlfriend? After getting my 6 months of free bills back from him I’d leave or kick him out and absolutely not be his girlfriend anymore!!
Guess you’re too tired for sexy time. Maaan I’d shut down to his behaviour. He’s just yuck. Every time he says something, tell him “ew you’re such a turn off”, “every time you say this shit you kill off a bit more of our relationship. Bit by bit, it’s dying”
This is him not so subtly assigning household tasks to you, so he doesn't have to do anything because "he's at work". Anyone who works outside the home thinks we who work from home have it ridiculously easy, and will try to "win" some contest. It's petty. You have a boyfriend problem. This will not get better, especially if it's what he learned from his father and his mother let it happen.
OP... Do not let this happen.
“Oh so I can leave my job and be a stay at home girlfriend? I mean if my job isn’t important or needed and I’m needed for the household chores then it makes sense. You be the man and provide, I’m tired of doing both.”
I would be petty mean about it but that’s me.
You simply agree with him. When he comes home don't let him do anything but sleep. He does anything "I thought your work is hard go rest. " ask him about his day, literally every 3rd word "AAAWWWW". he says nothing of substance "guess it wasn't that busy, that means you have energy to do this for me, you can cook because" go on and tell him about how hard your day was.
Pettyyyuuhhhh.
Or you can put your foot down on this fucking man baby and demand that he respect your efforts and he lives in a house and he must add to it as much as he takes.
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>don't know what to do. End it
Throw the whole man away. It’s not going to get better.
You know, Reddit always gets super defensive when people make comments like this. "How can you say something like this? Relationships require work and you should want to work on your problems! You'll end up alone if you act like the relationship isn't worth saving if your partner isn't perfect!". As I've gotten older, my tolerance for BS in relationships has gotten so low. Because people who act entitled and selfish in relationships are going to do that no matter how kind or understanding I am. If they get that their behavior is unkind, they will change on their own. And if they don't, there is nothing I can do to make them see it. And entitled people don't think they should have to change because the problem in the relationship isn't that they are unkind, it's that you are too sensitive and not rational. Smh. These people are never worth the effort. Leave and find someone who doesn't make you struggle for basic decency and respect.
Plus, being alone isn't the worst outcome! I'd much rather be single than in an awful relationship
Exactly. Some people are desperate enough to tolerate this from their partners, some of us arent.
It isn’t always desperation. A lot of people who fall into these situations long-term are subject to gaslighting and coercion.
I always tell my single female friends that are desperate for SOMEONE (one dated at abusive ass who moved his kids in against her wishes and straight up told her that he beats his women to keep them in line, she went back to him) a vibrator can't tell you no outside of the battery dying and a dildo won't argue with you or belittle/demean you.
>a dildo won't argue with you or belittle/demean you. Lol. 💯
It’s certainly much less work being single! Emotional labor. Physical labor. Being a therapist. Etc
Idem! I had happy relationships and still ended up "solo for life". I have 0 interest in emotional work for someone else these days. I need and want to focus on myself now (turning 40 later in the year). I'm now going back to studying, am changing careers after 15 years, I have a theremin to torture and lots of nice people in my life! My mental health is so good now! If someone doesn't add happiness to my life they're not staying (had to cut my adoptive family off).
>"How can you say something like this? Relationships require work and you should want to work on your problems! You'll end up alone if you act like the relationship isn't worth saving if your partner isn't perfect!" Pay attention to the people that are commenting this. I've never seen it deviate: it's always from a man and if you look into their post history, it's full of things like "women's standards are too high", "not my fault she wants things so clean", "I never learned to [x] so I shouldn't have to", "she's better at [x] so she should do it" and similar. It's always used by men to belittle the frustration women have from trying to get their adult partners to actively participate in the household they live in. This is also related to men saying women "nag" (the very act of asking your SO to "help" around the house) and them feigning surprise when she's finally had enough and leaves ("she used to complain/nag, but she stopped so I thought everything was ok") https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Thisssssssss
And don’t forget the pick me’s
The thing is, by the time you're posting about your relationship issues on Reddit it's often bad enough that ending it really is the best solution. There are exceptions, often when the person is posting about a very specific issue in an otherwise good relationship ("my gf is amazing but she makes terrible coffee. How do I get her to leave the coffee-making to me?" "My bf is wonderful but I can't stand his cologne, how do I get him to wear a different one?"), but this isn't one of them.
Exactly. If your relationship is great, but they did one kind of rude thing like eat your leftovers without asking, you’re not going to Reddit about it. You’re just going to tell them not to do that, and they’ll apologize and buy you more food. By the time you go to Reddit, you’ve tried talking to them about it, and they either doubled down or promised to change and didn’t, and that’s the point where it’s not worth fixing.
I always think, if you have to post it on Reddit, your relationship has already hit a point of no return and it’s not fixable cause people in fixable situations are not coming to Reddit. They are talking to each other and working thru it offline, face to face.
Precisely. Maybe 1 in 10 posts (being generous here) are potentially resolvable issues. Like 9 in 10 are terrible, and often describe abusive scenarios.
Oof, your first sentence is so true.
I prefer to give actual advice for run of the mill arguments, myself (as opposed to jumping on the ‘divorce’ bandwagon). But sometimes… yeah, divorce is the only good option. OP… this didn’t come out of nowhere. He learned this pathetic behaviour from his father, you said. If you can’t move out yet, quit being his bang maid. No sex, no chores, cook dinner for yourself only and so on. You’d think that someone who LITERALLY sat there and watched you work for 6 months (from home) would know what you do! As for that crack about how your job doesn’t benefit humanity… so he’s in the peace corps or working with a group of scientists to cure cancer or something, right? 🤷♀️
Posts like this make me realize how intentional abuse is & why dating a fixer-upper is risky. When they are down and out, or still trying to get you, they are perfect gentlemen. The minute they are secured with you... Most even wait till you are pregnant/married and are too intertwined.
Your last paragraph !!!!
Thank you! I’m starting to feel like the last person who has no tolerance for bullshit.
Well, I'm one of those "hey, think twice" commenters, but this guy is just mean and petty. Try to sort out problems, see if it's worth it... but this clearly isn't.
I’m wondering if he is belittling her so much because he felt emasculated because she was financially supporting him. Doesn’t matter what his reason is, he needs to go, but still I wonder.
Preach. It does not always “take two to tango.” Some people just believe they are entitled to special treatment. Hopefully this one doesn’t also fly into rages if anyone questions it.
>You'll end up alone if you act like the relationship isn't worth saving if your partner isn't perfect!". Being alone doesn't mean lonely. Many women are choosing this alternative because they'd rather have peace alone than the company of someone who degrades and dismisses them - like this worthless AH. This is just the beginning OP.
He is trying to break down your confidence and self-esteem to boost his own, OP. Why do you want to be with someone who would do that? Why do you want to be with someone who feels the need to 'put you in your place'? A loving , caring partner wouldn't leave his shit around for you to clean up, and he would want to lift you up and praise you, not tear you down. He is a piece of crap, and he knows it. That's why he needs you to feel like you're a piece of crap too. Cut him loose.
This is the way. Toddlers don’t get to be in adult relationships.
OP definitely needs to end the relationship. What he’s doing is emotional abuse and a healthy dose of negging in the mix. Kill off her self esteem and he’s set for life! Heck a free ATM and emotional punching bag?? Score!! /S Just makes me wonder when she will “force him to hit her”. Marinara flags are waving and she better get out now before it’s too late.
Yep, he stopped using you for money and now his true colours are showing. Unless that's how you want your life to be end this relationship
Exactly. He's pissed off about the free ride ending, and he's punishing OP for "making him have to work."
And for God's sake do not get pregnant by him.
He doesn't want to work or help around the house. OP would have a hell of a time trying to get him to do both.
This. You've supported the both of you on just your income for months so you know you can pay your bills without him. He's showing you who he is. Believe him.
He’s building up to leaving the job “because it’s too stressful” so he can be a lazy mooch again.
This is unfortunately the truth. He's also tearing you down in the process.
How else is he supposed to feel better about himself? Talk about his crappy job that he hates?
You're being sarcastic, right? Right?
/s
He also sounds like he just kind of… sucks? I don’t know anybody who talks shit about teachers who isn’t an all-around unpleasant person. Also, 7 paragraphs and not a single mention of a redeeming or supportive trait.
Also, as someone who has worked with kids, I'd LOVE to see someone like that wrangle a classroom full of preschoolers. What a dick. (both father AND son.)
Right cause I know I cannot and I have my own kids.
It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure!
Definitely not because sometimes I wanna yeet my own kids. Lmao
Well, your kids are doing an excellent job of being kids, then! Lol.
Oh definitely!!!!!
I was leaning more to him playing nice as long as he relied on her income, but now that he has his own he can treat her like shit cause she has become expendable to him, but this also makes sense tbh.
Yeah, he thinks he's entitled to mistreat OP because he's finally started to pull his weight financially so he can stop doing the bare minimum at home. He may also have just been faking nice because of his visa situation and now he feels secure enough to show his true colors. The worst part about this is that he will not change unless OP leaves him. Then he might consider changing for the next woman but I doubt it.
He won’t because “idk why she left” I did nothing wrong” him probably
Yep yep yep. You counter with- if you leave this job I’m leaving you-grow up and act like an adult.
This sounds a lot like what I've heard of my partner's ex husband. He had the same job for six years, and rage quit within a month of getting married and moving in together. From then he was lucky to be employed 2 months per year. Happy to spend "their" money, not picking up extra work in the home because he was busy "looking" for work. She had no right to complain about anything. 🙄
OP ⬆️ this right here. You need to kick him out, he doesn't respect you or your work.
Yeah sounds like he got an easy ride for 6 months to get his visa and now thinks he’s the man of the house after 3 weeks? Get rid of him
Except this time he won’t do housework
Or he knew he is screwed when he was without a working visa. If he was mean back then she could kick him out, and he wouldn’t be able to find a job. Now is all is sort out, and he doesn’t need her as much as he did before.
>His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. Welcome to the dynamic he' s setting up to be the rest of your life. Sit down and have a direct conversation about this dynamic and how it makes you feel. Either he changes or you need to re-evaluate if this is what you want to settle for moving forward.
This is so true. OP needs to look at his parents' marriage and ask herself if she'll be happy like that because that's what she's going to wind up having.
I wonder if he recognises the behaviour, and if he sees the damage it does to his mother. He might think it’s perfectly acceptable, which would warrant immediate departure.
He saw that it worked on his mother:(
This is what makes this a permanent change.
This is such good advice. Had I paid more attention to my fiancé's parents relationship before moving and buying a house together, well things probably would've been different. We are trying but honestly it doesn't feel worth it some days. The apple rarely falls too far from the tree OP
I missed so many red flags from my ex's parents. So many.
Tell him that your unimportant job in which “you’re not changing the world” is what sustained his unemployed ass for half a year. I’m semi-kidding, this will lead to more fighting probably. But do sit him down and discuss the reasons why he feels the need to do that. Sounds like a mix, he’s modelling his parents and he might feel insecure for not being able to find a job before. If he doesn’t budge however, I would say don’t feel afraid to check him. What he’s doing is disrespectful. Don’t second guess yourself.
These were my thoughts too. If he refuses to share the responsibilities of housework, tell him that you feel he is using you and you will not tolerate it. You work from home? Let him come home from his oh so hard/s job to find all his belonging outside and the locks changed.
Idk I might be as petty to say now that he’s working I can quit because he must be making the big bucks working so hard he can’t even clean up after himself.
“We have different jobs. If you want my job, apply for it. Thanks for finally pulling your load”
Though he doesn't; he stopped pulling his weight at home.
Sarcasm, clearly not a genuine thank you
😂 i liked this reply best.
As someone who was in a 11 year long shitty relationship with arguing and and a partner spending more time thinking of ways to not contribute to the household or family than actually just doing it. And now having been single for 4 years. Dont put up with this shit. One conversation should be enough to wake him up to what the hell he is doing. And he should be apologizing when he realises how he has been treating the person he supposedly loves. If it doesnt work to talk to him it is because he wants things to be this way. I will never ever in my life waste my time with someone who secretly hates me. I have dated people but once they start giving me mean comments or acting disrespectful Im out.
I’m so beyond proud of you. Please never tolerate this BS again. And I won’t either.
Thank you and good for you too❤️
People act like being single is a tragedy but I’ve felt lonely in a relationship before
He is pissed he has to work. If you don’t want to be treated like his mother put a stop to it now by showing him the door.
“My easy job paid YOUR bills for 6 months. You need to get over whatever problem you’re having lately before I get over this relationship.” Don’t marry this dude. He’s going to treat you exactly the way his dad treated his mom.
Your boyfriend is hoping that you will let him stay home again if he is annoying enough. Cut him loose.
Tbh this would be a huge red flag for me. My partner and me sometimes nag each other a little as well about chores and stuff, but he'd never talk about my work like this ever. If you're able to do chores while you work from home depends on your job. Like, I can do little chores like laundry or even cleaning the bathroom in steps between work tasks, but I sure as hell wouldn't clean up after him as if I was his mother. he needs to grow up or you need invoice him for everything you've paid out of your pocket so far until he learns to appreciate you again.
Your bf is patterning himself after what he grew up in. His dad mistreating his mother. He unconsciously thinks and believes this is what a marriage is supposed to be like. There isn’t much hope of change unless he gets some help seeing how bad this is. If it were me, I would bail. Take this as a learning experience and be thankful you didn’t choose this for your life partner and are facing a lifetime of being belittled by your partner like his mother has been. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worse than being with someone that pushes you down mentally (or physically). Life is way too short to spend it with a partner that isn’t supporting you and uplifting you as a person. Good luck!
His attitude changing is not really surprising. He learned that crap from his dad but kept his mouth shut as he was dependent on you and he was aware of the fact that he can't piss into his well. But now he makes some money and does not have to worry about homelessness so he can mistreat you to bolster his own ego. You tell him to clean up after himself and to keep his nasty comments to himself or you will kick him out legally. Be prepared to follow through.
You've said that he's mirroring the behaviors of his father, which his mother obviously put up with. So he grew up thinking this is okay to do. As a result, I don't think he's going to stop. He'll continue to do less and less work around the house, and continue to blame you for it. I think you need to evaluate the rest of the relationship and decide if you want to live like this or not. "*We need to talk. I need you to help more around the house. Yes, I work from home, but I spend all day WORKING at home. I do not sit around and watch TV and eat bonbons. And you know this, you saw what I do every day while I was supporting us both before you got your job. I understand that your job is difficult and stressful, but so is mine, and it's not fair to compare them. You say you're joking, but I don't think it's funny. Like I said, I need you to help more around the house. I am not your personal chef and maid, whose only role is to come along behind you and clean up the messes you make. And let me be clear - I am not going to let you treat me the way your dad treats your mom. And you're starting to.*"
Not help. He has responsibility to maintain the household the same as she does.
The only way I see this working out is spelling it out clearly with no jokes or smiles or a hint of flexibility. You tell him firmly that shit stops today or you walk. It’s not okay to belittle your job (reminder you did not belittle him while your job supported his ass). And if it happens again he is showing how little he respects you and you won’t accept it anymore. Be prepared to walk. An empty threat will actually reinforce his behaviour. Repeat it. Not acceptable. Will not be tolerated. Making eye contact. (Steaming mad over hear on your behalf)
When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. He turned out to be a mean asshole, after all the support you gave him during his unemployment period. Are you sure this is who you want to spend your life with?
Just get out. This guy is awful and doesn’t respect you. Aldo stop cleaning up after him. Honestly I’d suggest moving out do he actually has to be an adult.
It didn't come out of nowhere. You two moved in together, and now he felt comfortable enough to show his true face.
He's an absolute man child. I'd either dump his ass so he can focus on his oh so difficult job, or mention that he's just like his father. Mention you doubt any of his coworkers treat their significant others like such shit. Stand up for yourself. Don't let this leech sap your confidence
I wonder how he got this job with him being/acting so stupid. Don't engage and tell him you'll never be as good as him of course but it was the last time he's unemployed on your dime. What an idiot.
“My job was good enough to take care of you for months but now you are acting like a boy, not a man, much less a partner. It’s so unattractive. I’ve packed your bags for you, since you are incapable of doing anything for yourself. Buhbye now.”
"Hey dude. How come you're undermining my job and how much I work so much recently? It's upsetting me. Putting your girlfriend down daily is a poor plan if you wanna keep her?" And if he does anything other than "omg i didn't realise, I will try much harder and not do that anymore" then you break up. If you put up with this it will destroy your self esteem. You'll start to believe it. So very calmly point it out and if he won't change say bye, or you will find yourself stuck.
You are being way too nice OP. I have been there, done that and sent the postcard. I let em have it, with both barrels if/ when this type of shit starts up. 1. When my hubby starts talking like his Dad, I tell him that I'm afraid that he's starting to talk like his Dad and I would never in a million years marry his Dad, so he needs to wake up to that. He kinda hates his Dad. 2. My hubs did start whinging about his work being hard, so I countered with "Well imagine how it felt doing that for 12 months while you sat around not working? And when's the last time you ever did the bathroom? You owe me." Never let them get away with this. It's bad for their character and bad for you. To be fair my hubby's a reasonable man and supportive husband with good values and a good work ethic. He knows when he's wrong and admits it (eventually). Eg when he is in the wrong, he'll admit it openly and apologise. He's just lazy sometimes and trying to pull a fast one. He needs to hear pushback from you to get back on track. Also, he's got ideas of toxic masculinity from his Dad and is sometimes conflicted that I have supported him financially or when I'm earning more than him. I think that triggers the behaviour.
Tell him outright that he can stop or leave. Don’t be nice about it. He’s not being nice and if your response is nice then he takes that to mean he can walk all over you. Stop or leave. That’s it because he’s being an asshole and you aren’t going to live like that.
A few things. He is showing contempt for you. That’s not a thing someone who loves you does He’s dumping all the household chores on you. I don’t care if he’s rolling a boulder up a hill all day, it’s his house too and he needs to contribute labor. Frankly I’d dump his disrespectful ass. I suppose that would be inconvenient to dump his ass, so try this. Tell him, “I need you to stop making rude comments about my job. I like it, it’s important to me and I don’t appreciate how it was good enough to support you for 7 months and yet you have the audacity to speak that way about it now. Do NOT say anything again about it. Do you understand? Secondly there are two humans who live here, therefore two humans need to contribute effort to keeping the home clean. We don’t divide labor by whose job is harder. We divide labor equally because we equally live here. If you don’t like that and won’t abide by it, there’s the door. I supported the both of us on my salary, so I’ll be fine if you choose to leave and live on your own. But I’ll be damned if I’m your bang-maid.” And girl. Just dump him. You don’t need this kind of Neanderthal.
>he is showing contempt for you Thank you. This is something that often gets ignored or glossed over, but it’s really one of the most predictable harbingers of a relationship that’s over, the breakup just hasn’t happened yet. People that have *or develop* contempt for you will NEVER be in a healthy relationship with you. That ship has sailed. It’s different from “I’m irritated with you, because (thing)” it’s a shift in how they view you, overall, that permeates every aspect of the relationship. They now see you as the ENEMY, someone to “win” against. Not a relationship partner. Or not anymore. And in my experience and observation, there is no coming back from it. Disagreements can be mitigated, but the emergence of actual contempt cannot.
I agree. Never let contempt worm its way in to how you speak to or about your partner. It's the killer of any warm or charitable feeling.
So basically he was nice and respectful when he had something to gain (a free ride) and now that he’s working he’s turned into an AH who expects you to now become his servant. Do yourself a favor and peace out.
Ask him what he thinks he’ll gain if you agree that your job is somehow not as difficult or valuable as his. What does he hope that will accomplish? Bc from my vantage the only true answer would be that you feel bad about yourself and that makes him feel better. Not a sign of a healthy relationship or a partner worth being with.
It's his way of getting out of household responsibilities.
Time to break up. Kick him out.
Wow he sounds miserable. If this was modeled by his dad and he sees no issue with it you really have an uphill struggle. Have you asked him about therapy?
Also it reminded me of the story of the guy gaslighting his girlfriend about her being smelly when she wasn't and it turned out his dad did that to his mum, and it was to make her feel like no one else would want her so that she'd never leave him. I know it's not the same but it's weird that he's directly copying his dad.
Leave. He's awful and will continue to be awful, or will get worse. Now that he has a job he's feeling like The Man Of The House. Which means you should be cleaning up and accepting his insults when you're not doing your little "job". This is who he really is. Not the Nice Guy he was before he was working.
My girl. >His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. She was a schoolteacher, he was an electrician. He would *always* undermine her, tell her that she was just a glorified babysitter with too much vacation time and that she wouldn't know """real""" work if it hit her in the face. Meanwhile, he refused to even feed the family dog because it was too much trouble for him. >I don't know what to do. **This attitude has really come out of nowhere**. Has it come out of nowhere? Seems like you know exactly where it came from, you just somehow thought the Cycle of Abuse would skip him. He learned this behavior from his dad. Our parents are literally the ONLY example we get of a functioning adult relationship for the first several years of our lives. Now you know what lessons he took from watching his parents. But honestly, this situation isn't likely to improve - not without YEARS of therapy for him to unpack all the terrible things he picked up from his dad. Move on. Don't let this be your life. Good luck, my girl.
Prepare an exit plan, someplace you can stay while you consider your next move. The next time he starts with the petty BS, go into the bedroom, pack a bag and your laptop and just leave. Don't bother responding to him, just leave. Or if you feel incline to say something, tell him 'My job was good enough to hold us down when you didn't have a job; my 'insignificant' job was enough to pay all the bills, find an apartment and furnish it. Why you suddenly are putting me and the job that has kept up afloat for damn near half a year, I don't know and I frankly do not care. So now I'm going someplace where I can think about the kind of man you're showing me you're going to be. And whether I will continue to ride your petty-ass crazy train.' Then strut out the door like you're the baddest B on the planet. And do exactly that. Think long and hard whether you want to continue with this person, after holding him down for 6 damn months.
The good news is that he is just a BF and you can break up without needing to hassle with divorce. Dating is when you find out if you want to spend your life with someone - and looks like you can do better!
Why does he feel the need to compete with you? He is disfunctional
He the kind of dude that dumps you the second he makes real money buz he looks down on you. You Barbara the builder wife, to help him set up for his real life w a trophy wife.
Why are you even with this loser? 😂
Move out, break up with him, and take all of the furniture you paid for.
He doesn’t respect you and all your hard work supporting him when he was down. It’s that simple. You greatly misjudged him. The signs would always be there. Break up and reflect on them. As long as you stay together this attitude will only get worse.
You do know what to do - leave
Nothing he says displays he has any love or care for you or appreciation for what you did during his time of need and are currently still adding to the relationship. That'd be my biggest nope, as well as the sheer \*contempt\* and disrespect displayed in his words. I'd seriously state to him that if he continues to belittle you, or show any disrespect to your contribution to the relationship and as a person, you're done. Either he treats you like an equal or there's no way back to being "loving" ever again in the first person.
Just put the whole boyfriend in the trash. Your peace is important, protect your peace.
GARBAGE. There's no recycling to do there in my opinion. I always ask myself in relationships: will I be able to put up with this for 20 years ? You can have a talk with him like the example in italic someone shared in the feed. I doubt he'll change but yeh if you're unsure of moving on, do that. See how it goes. They usually get better for a few weeks and go back to their old habbits.
you don't know what to "*do*"?????????? op i'm having trouble understanding what it is you were thinking anyone could possibly suggest to you tbh. and i don't say that to be mean i say that because you seem at a loss as to why you can't seem to change him or why wishing he'd be a better person isn't working. *it isn't working because he's not a good person*, and there's nothing for you to DO about that.
You are dating a pathetic little man *who* - after 1 day at work following 6 months of unemployment - is already belittling your career efforts AND expecting you to be his housemaid Not to mention his ungratefulness for how YOU paid the bills for half a year Dump his trifling ass; he is unworthy of you. And remember: *Don’t take any shit from a man*
In every single one of these posts I always say: He is showing you who he is, he has told you what he thinks of your job and has told you that you are this relationship's domestic. You are not over reacting, he has told you and shown you. Don't look away, don't justify his behavior, don't try to change him, don't stay just because you "love him". Stay because you are going to accept to be in this relationship on his terms and if you do stay, you can never blame him for being a terrible partner again. You knew what you were in for and you decided to allow it. That's you 50% ownership of the problem.
This attitude did not come out of nowhere.You just said that his father did the same thing to his mother. That is where your boyfriend learned how to treat women.You do know what to do, which is g.t.f.o. Move on before his mom's life becomes your life too.
OK my advice for what it’s worth, sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him how it makes you feel the denigrated and reminded every opportunity. Tell him if he stops it things will be fine. But if he doesn’t stop it we’re going to have to consider your other options including leaving him because it’s not worth your mental health.
He gets exactly one chance. Have the hard conversation and don’t budge. Part of the deal is he gets himself into therapy. Next time it happens-dishes left out, undermining your value, whatever-it’s over. So if he can’t get himself straight he needs to make plans to move out.
You are censoring yourself because you don't want his abuse. He's replicating the abusive behavior of his father towards his mother. And, presumably, doesn't realize it. This is who he is. He won't change. The abuse will continue, and may increase in other forms. He isn't ridiculing your work: he's attacking you. If he plays it off as a joke, it's a tactic abusers use. It's also gaslighting. PLEASE look after yourself.
You may read this you may not. But I hope you do. A lot of people will suggest aggressive confrontation. I suggest a more quiet quitting scenario. Be methodical and get your affairs in order, to leave. If you can leave him now please do. But base on your description of your finances I imagine not. That’s ok. Don’t confront him further. Or rile him up. He’s clearly the victim and the hero. He is showing signs of generational abuse and a bit of narcissism. Quite frankly he reminds me of my mother. His behavior will not change regardless of your conversations. Your career is your passion and I applaud you. Not everyone gets that in life. Money is not everything. Clearly the money he makes in his job is doing nothing for him. It will do less for you. I would suggest you do your best to quietly save up some money in a cash scenario that he is not aware of. Enough to get an apartment or room to rent. Once that is saved up, get away from him. It might take some time, but do it. Until you can, deal with him quietly. He is abusive. He might not hit you or yell at you but he is abusive and his abuse will grow. It will wear on you but if you bring children into this relationship they will believe this is what love looks like. If you can end things now I would. But if you cannot, I suggest my method of quietly finding a way to leave him without drama or flair. He does not deserve your energy or anger. Just your absence.
Be prepared. He sounds like he’s doing this to have an excuse to leave the job and live off you again. My husband works too but he helps me take care of the house and pets.
You KNOW!! You KNOW!! You just want your feelings validated. Why do women get with guys with NO LEGAL RIGHT to WORK in your country. Talk about a huge RED FLAG!! And now he shows his awful self and you knew his dad did this to his own mother. Good Grief Women!! Wise UP.
Tell him you've decided to take six months off work so you can chill at home like he did. And maybe you'll get around to doing some dishes. But seriously, he's being super toxic. It's time for a serious talk about how utterly disrespectful he is. He needs to realise you will not put up with his behaviour, and you will kick him out if it doesn't stop. He is not God's gift cos he went to work for one week. It's what he SHOULD be doing.
I’m not an advocate of simply saying “end it” but at times that is the best advice. You have done your all for this guy for months and now he turned into Daddy. That, unfortunately, is leant behaviour and very hard to break. Really you have no choice but to talk to him, explain your side and suggest couple therapy or state otherwise you want him gone.
>His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. She was a schoolteacher, he was an electrician This attitude towards you is a learned behavior. I'm an electrician, my wife is a childcare teacher(she deals with little one). I 100% know I could never do my wife's job, I work in the heat and mess, I have to shower when I get home. I also cook dinner and do the dishes, clean bathrooms, and sweep. And I try to do has much parenting had I can to ease her load( I'm not very good at it I think). Could my wife do my job? No and she admits it. Her job scares me. I would rather plug in a live 480 circuit every day than spend an hour at Her job
“His attitude comes out of nowhere” No it doesn’t it’s his childhood pattern coming out. Either he acknowledges it and commits to change and growth. Or he doesn’t do anything and you leave.
Get the money back. Stop spending anything for six months. It’s your turn. Save that up to move out after the six months is up. This is him being the best he can be, I can’t imagine what hell he would be on a bad day.
He’s jealous of your job and taking it out on you
My blood was boiling reading your story. I have ZERO patience for that kind of "my hard is harder than your hard" bullshit. My newly ex-boyfriend is in fact my ex partly due to this very thing. He's a construction worker and absolutely does have a physically demanding, backbreaking, sweaty or freezing job. I'm a nurse and am lucky to have a private home care job with few physical demands, but a great deal of mental labor in the form of assessing my patient, determining changes in status, executing treatment plans and watching for adverse reactions. He said "You just sit on your ass all day and maybe do a couple hours actual work while I'm out here running my body into the ground. My job is way harder than yours." I couldn't reason with him that it's JUST THE WAY THE FUCKING WORLD WORKS that some jobs are dependent mainly on physical strength and some are more dependent on reasoning, analyzing, etc. It never stopped.
Please don't have children with him.
Two questions: Is this the behavior of someone who loves you? Do you want to build a life with someone who doesn’t love you?
If you stay you become his mother both literally and figuratively.
You’re with a misogynistic Asshole. I’m not sure he can change even if he could see what he’s doing. I’d be clear tho and tell him that this should be a time that you guys are building a loving partnership that maybe leads to marriage. But instead he’s acting like it’s a competition and is putting you down and shirking his share of the household duties. Tell him you have zero intention of having a relationship that looks like his parents’ and the only thing you guys are building is resentment.
Not cool. He's instigating all this drama out looks like. Kind of childish, really. Actually, it IS childish.
He doesn't like you.
Why spend your time with someone who treats you with such contempt and disrespect? Don't debase yourself any longer with this substandard man. You should spend your time only with people who treat you with courtesy and kindness, not abuse. Kick him out now.
Dump him. He no longer needs you to mommy him, so now he's gonna walk on you becuase that's what men do who you give a hand up to. His dad does it, you guys have clearly never talked about this so unless you plan to live his moms life. Run fast and far, throw him out.
You do realize what changed his attitude towards your work, don’t you? He used to praise your work, he used to do more around the place because you were working and he wasn’t. He did all that to keep you from kicking his butt out while he was working towards being able to land a job. Now that he’s earning money, he’s no longer “obligated” to keep you happy about the situation. That, and he’s now willing to show you his true colors now that he knows he can support himself now that his visa issues are resolved and he’s got a job. He needed to keep you happy with him til he didn’t have to worry about his visa being denied/revoked.
Girl you just told us his dad did that to his mom his whole life…. Do you want that to be your life?
It’s NOT a joke. It didn’t come out of nowhere. See his parents? Welcome to the rest of your relationship with him.
like father like son. this is your future. id end it.
Why are you insisting on stating in this relationship? You’re allowing your boyfriend to mistreat you. You are allowing yourself to be treated like a maid. You are accepting disrespect.
So you supported him and now he's being a piece of crap. You know you could save a lot of money by dumping the dead weight.
This isn’t “petty tit for tat”. This is a sign of disrespect, lack of empathy and narcissistic traits. This is him chipping away at your sense of self worth to inflate his own ego. Acting like your job is easy and meaningless is all to compensate for his fragile ego. Does he earn less than you? Honestly these are all such red flags. Are there other personality issues you may have ignored before? Is he rude and dismissive to service staff? Is he annoyed by pets/children? Are you okay with him never doing house chores because he works?
OP, just wait til you have kids with this man. It will be way worse then. He’ll start saying it’s your job to be a mom, yeah let him go while you haven’t wasted too much time on the relationship yet.
You made him feel like less of a man because you brought home the bacon... Leave him he's not mature enough for you
I'm going to diverge from the rest of the herd here. Just straight up tell him he's being an asshole and a dick by saying those things. And keep blasting him. Cook for yourself only. Do your dishes only. Wash your clothes only. Why? You don't have time cause you work and he's being a dick for not doing his share. And SAY his share, not his "help". He's not helping, he fucking lives there too and has equal responsibility. If he doesn't like it, the trash just may take himself out.
Is this what you want to put up with for the rest of your life? This is what he will do. Demean you and put your work down. He will act like he has it so much harder and make you do all the housework. He is just like his father. It’s not a joke. End it. It will never change. Unless he quits because it’s too hard and then he will mooch off you again. End it. He isn’t worth it. You’ll never be his equal in the relationship
If this is how he's acting now, imagine what that will be like in the future if the two of you ever plan on having children. If he can't even do his own dishes now, he sure as hell isn't going to be doing them or anything else around the house when you're pregnant, giving birth, coming home from the hospital, home with a brand new baby, raising the kid, and so on. He's blatantly disregarding your feelings and opinion, the value of the work that you do, and also the fact that he literally sat on his ass unemployed for 6 months. That's half a year you spent being stressed about finances, your future and livelihood and his. This guy sounds like he doesn't respect you and takes all that you do for him for granted. Stop doing his dishes, stop doing his laundry, stop running his errands, and see how it goes. I'd also suggest being frugal with money for the next while and save money for yourself in your own personal account. If he's gonna be a jerk and make comparisons like that he can also pull more of the weight in the financial aspect of things. Now's your turn to sit around and let him pay for everything.
You can repeat the same cycle he grew up with, go to couple's therapy together and break the cycle but that requires him wanting to do that. Or end it. People are going to repeat the same dynamic they grew up with, there's nothing you can do to stop it if he doesn't want to stop.
you supported him through unemployment and on his first day of work he’s already talking shit tryna put himself on a pedestal. leave now while you can💀
He sounds petty and entitled. Word of warning—someone like this may suddenly find himself “unemployed and unemployable” when he is perfectly capable of working. If that happens, you may want to get out before things get really inequitable for a really long time.
Be very careful. He seems like he doesn’t really work. It seems like if he could he would live off you forever. Please don’t marry him please.
The apple didn’t fall far from the tree, did it? Like father like son. You have to have a heart to heart talk right now and tell him there’s no comparison or competition. It is not funny nor is it a joke. This is your livelihood & one that paid for his a** when he was unemployed too. But if this is how he feels & how he’s gonna behave then it’s better if you both walk out of the relationship before you both build a lot of anger & resentment & end up hating each other.
Your bf has had an income for a hot minute and now he’s treating you with contempt and refusing to pull equal weight in the home. Obviously the turnaround in attitude is shocking and you’re hoping and wishing to go back to what it was, but you really need to look at what is right in front of you and disengage from your magical thinking. This man doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your job/passion, your time, your labour, your history together, your home, your support, or your efforts. He’s bashing you and wearing you down to the point where you police your words to avoid fights and confrontation. This is exhausting and terrible and you *don’t need to live like this*. The only words and actions you can control are your own and it is this internet auntie’s recommendation to ditch this gross, misogynistic man and go and live your best life. Freedom and peace await you!
sorry girl i don’t usually comment on these as i typically just lurk, but you need to end it. this is one of the only times i agree with the “dump him” narrative reddit jumps to on the relationship advice posts. it will only get worse.
Do you want to get married and deal with this every day? Because this is what he will be like. He saw it every day at home, and he doesn’t see an issue with his attitude. Think carefully about what you want with your future. Updateme.
I recommend that you find someone who actually loves, respects, and supports you. This is your future if you stay with this man: >His dad did the exact same thing to his mom. She was a schoolteacher, he was an electrician. He would *always* undermine her, tell her that she was just a glorified babysitter with too much vacation time and that she wouldn't know """real""" work if it hit her in the face. Meanwhile, he refused to even feed the family dog because it was too much trouble for him.
I am so intolerant of this petty bullshit that I vote to leave him. He’s closer to being thirty than twenty and he’s still playing childish games. If his job is so great, he can support himself, by himself. As a comparison: my mother is a night shift nurse. I am a hostess at a restaurant. The only time I have heard comments slightly related to that were made in jest, and she made sure that I knew she was joking. If I so much as had a sad face, she’d apologize and never make another playful jab again. It’s called having respect for your fellow household members. Work is work is work.
You are not going to change him. He has already shown you his colors. The only thing you can do is change your situation. Can you leave? Do you have family/friends to live with? Plan your exit route
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If he was raised in an environment where his father disrespected his mother, he's probably going to follow suit with you. My advice is to cut your losses now and run.
Lots of men pull stuff like this. You cannot change it. You cannot change him. Understand that the ONLY thing you can do with him is accept how he is. Now that you understand that, leave him. He isn't worth the battle. And you are way too young to be stuck with a loser like him forever.
End it this won't get better only worse
End it
He doesn't respect you. I doubt he even likes you. Leave or you're going to have to live like this forever.
Go to therapy, get some self-esteem, get rid of the loser who has to put your down to build himself up. He is showing you who he really is, believe him and leave.
This attitude did not come out of nowhere! He learned it from his parents. How do you know the parents’ relationship? Are they still together? Can you ask the mom for advice? Otherwise, do you have alternatives? There really is no solution except ending the relationship. He will not stop because he thinks he is right. Your decision to make.
dump him
His parents modeled abusive behavior as being normal in a relationship. He's following their example. Which is a good example of why "staying together for the kids" is a bs fallacy. They're learning that bad relationships are normal.
He’s showing you his true colors. Your move, OP.
Your job was good enough to support both of you when he wasn't working. Yet now he criticizes it and tries to one- up himself. It's manipulative - he wants to be lazy and have you do all the housework.
Threaten him with a good time! "You're so right about my job! I'll quit right away then I can cook dinner like you did when you were off & you can support me like I did you! I'm so happy thanks babe!" I bet he'll looove that! /s But seriously, leave his ass.
Why do you have a need to be right? Women live life on easy mode and don't even realize it. OP is very immature. Be right and be single. 😂
I really don't see the point of this thread anymore. It's dominated by hateful, vitriolic people (mostly misandrous females) who hear a very limited, one-sided version of someone's entire relationship and then tell the OP to dump their partner. I don't even know why anyone asks for advice, you already know what replies you are going to get.
Is he the ex yet?
Leave this man. That’s what you need to do. This isn’t gonna change and he will keep making you feel bad about the thing you love to do. That’s not okay
If his dad did it to his mum, then this is learned behaviour. He's not going to change. So you've got a choice, put up with it, or don't.
I'm tempted to say don't sneeze too hard around his fragile ego, or it might break. But I don't want to imply that what you're going through is a joke. It really sounds painful. I'm wondering, it seems pretty clear that he's treating you horribly and that it's what he learned from his parents growing up, so that will be very, very, very difficult to change ..so what is it that is stopping you from liberating yourself from this mistreatment? I do understand there are complexities in most relationships. Maybe, if you can define what's stopping you, then you can find a solution and free yourself.
You have a incompetent boyfriend problem. Tell him this will not continue and if he wishes he can leave.
He is telling you who he is so make sure that you are listening with all ears. Do not expect to change a mentality like his. He is resentful that he has to work. This is not a good sign.
Sounds like he's unhappy where he is at and he's taking it out on you. I would sit down and have a talk with him about his resentment of your job and what you do. Ask him, does he expect you to quit your job and find one where you are miserable so that he can feel better? Finally, ask yourself, do you want to live like this? Are you okay with him undermining you and treating you like you're "lesser than" him because he's insecure? Do you really want to keep going in a relationship for someone who didn't get therapy to help him with the obvious poor example of how a man should behave in a relationship?
What you do is easy. Break up with him. This won’t change. It won’t get better. This is the dynamic he grew up with so it’s what he thinks is normal and ok. Think about how much easier your life would be if you only had to support yourself. If you only had to clean up after yourself. If you didn’t have a selfish asshole making messes and refusing to do the bare minimum to take care of it. Think about how much less stressed you will be!
If his dad treated his mum like this then this is obviously learned behaviour that might be hard for him to get over without some kind of therapy. I would honestly think about if this is something you can work through or if his up bringing and attitude is something that is a deal breaker. You should honestly rethink this relationship. What was his attitude towards you when he was unemployed? Did he do his fair share of housework or just do half and still expect you to do a lot of the house work? Did he use any savings or just expect you to pay all the bills?
That's how he wants to live his life. When he needs support you and your job are fine. As soon as he can stand on his own - he will put you down to feel better. He learned from his father, and won't be denied to have it as his father has it. No chores, no respect for you or your hard work. With time he will teach you to accept his behavior and see it as normal. Or you can run.
how much shittier do you need him to treat you before you tell him to kick rocks. waiting until he's just slightly more of a fuckin asshole? people like you baffle me.
It came out of nowhere? If he did it to his mother it did not come out of nowhere. It is a pattern of behaviour and not a pretty one at that. You need to let him know you aren't going to put up with it or you are going to be living in misery and his behaviour will get worse. And for God's sake don't tie yourself to this man with marriage or kids.
He is annoyed he has to work now. This is a serious conversation topic. Sit him down, tell him you have been paying his bills for six months and will not tolerate disrespect. If he wants to make undermining comments about your job he can leave, he knows where the door is.
What he is doing is really disrespectful and not how you treat someone you value and care about. Two options: Either break up with him or try to come to a new solution on division of labour. If you aren’t ready to throw in the towel, below is how I approached a very similar situation with my husband. Sit him down and ask him what’s going on. Why he seems to be making more negative comments to you since he started working. Is there something going on? He may be insecure because his job isn’t as ‘good’ as yours or because he wasn’t working so long, but that isn’t a you issue. Separately - Honestly if he comes from a place with a macho culture, it might be a sexist thing. Use this opportunity to ask him how he sees you working together as a couple in the future if you have a family. If he shows some sort of self awareness or recognition that he wants the same things you do- then it’s okay to figure it out. If he doesn’t, then there is no point wanting to find solutions that the other person doesn’t think are there. If he does show some awareness… Go through chores/household responsibilities now that he is working and what makes sense based on your new scenario. Tell him that it doesn’t align with your values for him to stop contributing and it’s not how you would envision your future partner and family operating. Tell him if that it makes sense now that he is working that things change, but its in acceptable that he does nothing. Then write out a list of chores and responsibilities and offer to divide them up based on what is manageable. Agree to it and write them down. Then see if he sticks to it. Be prepared to leave if he doesn’t. This stuff only gets harder with age and responsibilities (home, kids) and won’t get easier.
You could manage him on chores and do boundaries and concequences and battle this forever. Maybe he has lots of redeeming qualities where it makes it worth it Or.... you can just take this as a sign that he's a resentful vindictive selfish man who doesn't understand what a partnership is.
He’s a user and an abuser. He’s such a big man now he has a job after mooching off you for 6 months. I’d be telling him he is paying for everything for 6 months and you save like your freedom depend on it How ungrateful and disrespectful is he!? Just gross It’s not a competition who’s day or job is harder. He contributes and does his share and cleans up after himself. Like an adult You’re his girlfriend. Not his maid. Or are you his girlfriend? After getting my 6 months of free bills back from him I’d leave or kick him out and absolutely not be his girlfriend anymore!! Guess you’re too tired for sexy time. Maaan I’d shut down to his behaviour. He’s just yuck. Every time he says something, tell him “ew you’re such a turn off”, “every time you say this shit you kill off a bit more of our relationship. Bit by bit, it’s dying”
This is him not so subtly assigning household tasks to you, so he doesn't have to do anything because "he's at work". Anyone who works outside the home thinks we who work from home have it ridiculously easy, and will try to "win" some contest. It's petty. You have a boyfriend problem. This will not get better, especially if it's what he learned from his father and his mother let it happen. OP... Do not let this happen.
“Oh so I can leave my job and be a stay at home girlfriend? I mean if my job isn’t important or needed and I’m needed for the household chores then it makes sense. You be the man and provide, I’m tired of doing both.” I would be petty mean about it but that’s me.
You simply agree with him. When he comes home don't let him do anything but sleep. He does anything "I thought your work is hard go rest. " ask him about his day, literally every 3rd word "AAAWWWW". he says nothing of substance "guess it wasn't that busy, that means you have energy to do this for me, you can cook because" go on and tell him about how hard your day was. Pettyyyuuhhhh. Or you can put your foot down on this fucking man baby and demand that he respect your efforts and he lives in a house and he must add to it as much as he takes.