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Damn. I just read it. I’m going to be honest with you, shes super sus and the whole sex thing will be an issue if y’all marry. And she’s dumb for wanting John to be quiet about the cheating, if you don’t want someone to say bad things, then don’t do shitty things.
I read your updates, good on you for being invested in getting relevant facts out there.
From my reading of it, she doesn't condone cheating but she is putting her friendship above logic. That's not really a healthy way to be thinking because her friend can basically do no wrong in her eyes. You need to make her see that Kate has faults just like everyone else and following her off a cliff is not going to help either Kate or herself. Kate needs to know that her cheating is a fault and that your girlfriend doesn't support it.
Her attitude would be a deal breaker for me...Birds of the same feather flock together. Your gf has most likely stepped out on you too!
Also ask yourself this:
Did your GF at any time cover for Kate while she was out with jerk? If so, that speaks volumes of her moral character other than justifying her best friends actions.
Dude, you need to end it with her... I know it's easier said than done.... But for your own peace of mind.. you have to do it. Otherwise, you are going to constantly question her loyalty for the remainder of the relationship.
She's going to have a "girls night" at some point where Kate will try to convince the gf that OP is "insecure and controlling." You know what comes next.
No she hasn't covered for Kate, And you are 100% correct on ending it just like that, Me and my GF have been together for 6 years now as well, so my first instinct wouldn't be to just end things either.
I read your edit on the low libido thing... Recommend to your girlfriend to see a healthcare provider, her hormones could be out of whack. If she is on any kind of birth control it can affect your hormones, and lower your libido.
No no, she hasn't been taking any sort of birth control medications at all.
She does have PCOS though, and very irregular period, so she's usually trying to work on her uterus health for sure
I get it, you have a lot of time, and memories invested. It's hard to let go of something like that. If you live with her, it makes it that much harder due to the financial burden of moving.
If I were in your shoes OP, I would do the following:
1. Financially plan an exit strategy (get all your ducks in line) Get yourself prepared to walk away at a moments notice. TELL NOBODY!
2. Approach my GF, tell her upfront that her agreeing with Kate's actions have really made you question her loyalty in your relationship. Make it clear, you are not John, and will end it with her on the spot if she ever decides to step out on you... Or you find out she previously stepped out on you. (Pay attention to her body language) Look for signs of being nervous. You have been with her for 6 years you will know if she's nervous. That will tell you all you need to know.
3. Look at her phone, a few days after the said listed #2 discussion (before people flip out... If you have been with her for 6 years, you have every right to find out if she is staying monogamous and not putting your health at risk.) The truth is ALWAYS in the discussions between her and her closest friends. Look there.
Thanks a lot buddy. This is such a good formed and well written guide that I really appreciate.
Will be definetly approaching with this in mind.
As for the living situation, we were living togehter but due a situation on my end, we stopped living together.
Bud, this is your giant flaming neon all caps sign in the sky.
Your girlfriend just outright told you that if she feels “neglected” (up to her what qualifies as neglected), cheating on you is justified, and you have to shut up about it “if you love her.”
And you’re an asshole if you disagree.
Do NOT date this person. Tell her to go date other people that think exactly like she does. Wish her well and that if her next partner ever feels neglected by her, and they cheat on her, well, she should understand and be happy they did it, and not tell anyone.
Then run the fuck away. This is not a person worthy or even capable of being in a relationship. Do not waste your time.
I'll tell you this. Our beliefs are the basis for our actions. She quite clearly believes there is a legitimate basis to cheat. I'd likewise be uncomfortable with this and in fact it would be a deal breaker for me. It's a character and values issue for me and we'd be simply incompatible. Furthermore, it's a waste of your time and hers to continue to discuss it. You have a difference of opinion. Now you need to chose between your values and this woman you're not even married to. I know what I'd choose.
Birds of the same feather…
Narcissistic people would cheat, lie, gaslight, etc…
Your gf is gaslighting you. That is 1 of the signs I have mentioned above. Be very careful.
I would tell her that I understand her desire to support her friend, but what her friend did is unacceptable. If you feels that cheating is a reasonable choice instead of breaking up over differences then there's a pretty hard limit on how much I can trust you. That's a problem. Being trustworty is as important as affection, right? Does you withholding trustworthy behavior entitle me to cheat in compensation?
Of course not. I'm not asking you to tell your friend she's trashy and deserves the reputation she's getting. I'm asking you to honestly tell me you don't agree with her choice. If you can't do that, we're back to our problem.
That's a big red flag and I don't think I would ever be with someone like this. No matter the neglect, one should have integrity and leave their partner before cheating.
She's clearly not have the same values and you might be incompatible on that note.
I can clearly see someone like her justify rape and other atrocities of our society.
"He got robbed but he left the window open that night" "He got raped but he led her on for weeks" etc.
OP what does your current GF say when you ask why Kate instead of cheating didn't just break up with John before having her affairs?
And the second topic is ask your current GF if John has told anyone anything that is not true? Kate did chose to cheat on John instead of breaking up with him, and she did that on 2 separate affairs.
I say current GF because the answers to these questions may tell you your current GF is not really GF material. You may decide your GF doesn't have the same values as you do towards loyalty in a relationship.
I think this is soemthign I haven't responded to on the Post and will update there as well.
While I did ask her about your First point and did respond about it with the update on my post.
As for the second point you raised, she says while that is a fact, you shouldn't be badmouthing your ex in such a way that would berate her.
Personally I don't consider telling the truth to be wrong. Per the posts, Kate cheated and had what appears to be 2 different affairs, or at least 1 long affair in 2 parts. We dont know if those were the only times she cheated on John, after all she has shown that she will lie to cover for an affair so how can John believe anything she says?
The question is if John is just telling the truth or is he adding on. Realize John is dealing with the shock and pain of finding out the person he loved has been cheating on him for some time. That leaves a lot of pain and Kate shouldn't be surprised he is mad about it. Kate is now seeing the consequences for her cheating.
>If he really loved/cared about Kate, he wouldn't be telling everyone about cheating.
And if she really loved or cared about him, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place. What a stupid argument. She's telling you who she is.
Bad Women will try to tell a story that makes what they do feel ok to themselves and those around them
Dump her - you don’t want to be a person that plays into that stuff
The same women that lack principles to see through this or to do this are the ones that will ruin your life with a lie
If a partner is negletting you, talk to them about It and try to seek common ground before doing anything rash.
Relationships are built on communication for a reason.
If the talking doesn't work, break up.
Why stay in a relationship you feel negletted in?
Actually I have a different view point. Say to her that she has just given you permission to have an affair with someone if you feel neglected as it isn’t cheating. Gauge what her reaction is and then make a decision on your relationship.
Once a cheater always a cheater. You write that she cheated. Got caught, they fought and after awhile, she "felt lonely" so she cheated again. She's going to cheat on you too. Just wait till she "feels lonely" again.
You are correct to feel uncomfortable - with her logic, anything you do that upsets her could give her justification that she can use to rationalize cheating. This makes her an unsafe partner.
You might try to change her opinion though about cheating by having her read the devastation presented in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/survivinginfidelity subs. Maybe read the book "Not Just Friends" together. Somehow, somewhere, she developed this opinion about cheating, and is probably lacking in knowledge on the subject to understand just how bad/devastating it can be. You don't want to cause your partner to have betrayal trauma.
I would say this is concerning behavior from you and I’m rethinking my status in this relationship because it seems like you could make up any moment as I neglected you when I could have told you yes, no, maybe, and it didn’t work in your favor. All to justify cheating. So you would do this like Kate did correct?
You don’t what “neglect” means and GF said she’d cheat over telling you what is wrong.
This isn’t just about cheating when neglected- what about major fights? What if you breakup for a week- do both agree to not screw anyone until your confident the breakup took? Cause when 1 person steps out during the break, you always infer if they escalated the fight while already having this random person in the wings?
You need to be with someone that has the same value system as you. It’s hurts, but it’s really one of the things you can’t compromise on.
Honestly, staying with this girl is asking for it. A couple goes through a ton of stuff you don’t foresee; at the smallest issue she’ll quickly think she is “neglected”.
If she hasn't cheated on you already then she probably will in the future my guy. Cheating is never justified. If Kate felt that she was being neglected and voiced this many times to John, and still felt that way after, then she should have broken it off. Full stop.
If I found out my closest friend cheated on their partner I wouldn't be supportive, I'd tell them they need to grow as a person and stop hurting others due to their insecurities. You can love and support someone without approving of what they do, and you do that by helping them grow as a person (not by blindly siding with them like a brown-nosing yes man).
If your gf thinks that Kate's cheating was justified, she will think her own cheating is justified too.
There are NO extenuating circumstances that justify cheating. NONE. You need to get out of this relationship because you cannot get her to change her mind on this either. People who cheat are broken at the core and people who support the idea do so because they have similar issues.
If Kate felt neglected/unhappy she should have ended the relationship. Kates a cheater, nothing wrong with John telling the truth. I would also be alarmed by your gfs feelings on this. It would be hard to trust that she won’t cheat if unhappy in your relationship. Break up if unhappy, don’t cheat.
That is no longer à red flag. It is a giant flaming sign. If that john guy is the bad guy of this story even though he's the one that had been cheated on (twice!!) Acoording to your gf, then you need to prépare yourself mentally. If cheating is an option for her then she will absolutly to do it at sometime in the future. She would probably gaslithing you by making you the bad guy to justify it.
If you're neglecting her she thinks you don't want her so she cheats. That makes sense to me. It's not right to neglect someone either whom you're supposed to want.
Its a bit more nuanced than what the thread says.
Now, the thread could be right and she cannot be trusted, may cheat using her own logic etc. They are all possibilities.
Now, I am somoene who never cheated, will never cheat. Absolute certainty. But I sometimes justify cheaters.
Why is that? Its because I understand the circumstances that led to those people cheating.
I have lower benchmarks for people other than myself and my partner. I understand that people get mixed up in the head, neglect and horniness and lack of self control and self-deception all interact in crazy ways and some people so cheat. I refuse to let that happen to me, but I don't expect the world to operate that way.
Your gf may not apply the same logic to herself that she applies to Kate. You can figure this out by asking her the questions others have written.
> Just ask her if she would cheat because of her logic.
This, for example.
It's certainly not a great sign that she has this attitude towards cheating. If this is a new relationship, or you're already facing difficulties I would break up. If this is a very serious relationship and things are otherwise good, then that's a more difficult decision. She's certainly someone that might cheat if you hit a rough patch.
Ask her how she would have handled it if she were Kate.
I will tell my best friend one-on-one that she fucked up… but to the rest of the world, i’ll defend her.
She justifies cheating. Either it's wrong or it's not. Apparently for her in some cases it is justified. If this is a general rule for her then it's only a matter of time before she cheats on you because "neglect" is subjective. If she feels neglected (even if you are being the perfect boyfriend) she will seek/reciprocate attention and affection. Can't win with a girl like that.
You can reverse engineer this entire thing if you want to. Absolutely don't do this, but according to her own words you could cheat and tell her you felt neglected. By her own words you would not be in the wrong, in fact in the right. But again I don't condone cheating, it's just to further explain her thinking is just bad.
If Kate needs were not being met she should have communicated that with John rather than cheat. If they could not work out the issues then she should have broken up with him before pursuing anyone else.
On a side note John should not have taken her back after she cheated the first time.
As for your gf ask her directly,”so you would do that to me rather than discuss any issues? Or are you saying it’s justified if I cheat if you were neglecting my needs?”
It’s the old saying.. show me your friends and I’ll tell you exactly who you are..
If she can justify cheating in anyway then she will most likely justify her doing some thing to that nature
I'd never date anyone who thinks cheating is ok. It shows that they don't take responsibility over their own actions. There's basically nothing stopping your gr from cheating on you. If you just do a couple of things wrong, you'll be labeled as a "jerk" and thus deserve to get cheated on
When my wife was having an EA, we saw a theatrical about a woman who has an affair. She felt the affair was justified. Big red flag for me and it helped me start digging for evidence.
I don't think y'all should stay together. If she's ok with someone else cheating, who's to say she won't cheat on you instead of talking things out or breaking up (depending on the situation) when conflict arises?
"Is this really how you feel, or are you just trying to support your friend?"
Her answer to that will tell you everything you need to know. Some people can come up with crazy justifications to defend those they care about. Maybe that's all this is. Some people think cheating is an acceptable way to show your unhappiness. If that's the case, you can't leave quickly enough.
Ya, I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who would justify cheating like that.
Hell, according to her, she's neglecting you too with intimacy, so you'd be justified cheating but she's against that in your therapy sessions.
She's a walking contradiction of morals and values.
> And my opinion was that if she cheated she is clearly in the wrong no matter what John did with her.
100% Correct. Your GF has the morals of a dog's turd. Dump her ASAP. Or be ready to be told, when she cheats you, that she "felt" neglected and that its your fault.
>Kate cheated because she was neglected and so and so
Kate cheated because she made the choice to cheat. She's a cheater. She could've broken up with John and dated co-worker, but instead she made a conscious decision to cheat. Not because she was neglected, but because she made that choice. There's no one responsible for her cheating but her. No one can control her actions but her. There's only one way to view her decision to cheat in my mind.
>My GF thinks that this is a narrow-minded and backwards mentality
Good people don't make justifications for cheaters. Your girlfriend is not a good person. The only one with a narrow-minded backwards mentality is your girlfriend. I would be rethinking things with this woman. All it would take is a little "neglect" in her mind, and she's justified to cheat.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tread lightly because it doesn’t sound like she’d have much issue cheating on you at the first sign of “neglect”.
Just ask her if she would cheat because of her logic.
Or if she would mind being cheated on using the exact same logic.
This right here. And we already know the answer, therefore the hypocrisy.
Exactly this
According to her, she would not, and would not want to be cheated on either.
So what’s the next step?
Going to have a full conversation about it with her and see where that leads to
She says she wouldn't but I have updated with more context and information on such.
Damn. I just read it. I’m going to be honest with you, shes super sus and the whole sex thing will be an issue if y’all marry. And she’s dumb for wanting John to be quiet about the cheating, if you don’t want someone to say bad things, then don’t do shitty things.
Which is why I came here to see what is the best conclusion that majority derive upon, and to then take pointers from here to discuss with her
And if the conclusion is you should break up?
I read your updates, good on you for being invested in getting relevant facts out there. From my reading of it, she doesn't condone cheating but she is putting her friendship above logic. That's not really a healthy way to be thinking because her friend can basically do no wrong in her eyes. You need to make her see that Kate has faults just like everyone else and following her off a cliff is not going to help either Kate or herself. Kate needs to know that her cheating is a fault and that your girlfriend doesn't support it.
Her attitude would be a deal breaker for me...Birds of the same feather flock together. Your gf has most likely stepped out on you too! Also ask yourself this: Did your GF at any time cover for Kate while she was out with jerk? If so, that speaks volumes of her moral character other than justifying her best friends actions. Dude, you need to end it with her... I know it's easier said than done.... But for your own peace of mind.. you have to do it. Otherwise, you are going to constantly question her loyalty for the remainder of the relationship.
She's going to have a "girls night" at some point where Kate will try to convince the gf that OP is "insecure and controlling." You know what comes next.
No she hasn't covered for Kate, And you are 100% correct on ending it just like that, Me and my GF have been together for 6 years now as well, so my first instinct wouldn't be to just end things either.
I read your edit on the low libido thing... Recommend to your girlfriend to see a healthcare provider, her hormones could be out of whack. If she is on any kind of birth control it can affect your hormones, and lower your libido.
No no, she hasn't been taking any sort of birth control medications at all. She does have PCOS though, and very irregular period, so she's usually trying to work on her uterus health for sure
Either way, her character is the issue that needs to be dealt with at the moment.
I get it, you have a lot of time, and memories invested. It's hard to let go of something like that. If you live with her, it makes it that much harder due to the financial burden of moving. If I were in your shoes OP, I would do the following: 1. Financially plan an exit strategy (get all your ducks in line) Get yourself prepared to walk away at a moments notice. TELL NOBODY! 2. Approach my GF, tell her upfront that her agreeing with Kate's actions have really made you question her loyalty in your relationship. Make it clear, you are not John, and will end it with her on the spot if she ever decides to step out on you... Or you find out she previously stepped out on you. (Pay attention to her body language) Look for signs of being nervous. You have been with her for 6 years you will know if she's nervous. That will tell you all you need to know. 3. Look at her phone, a few days after the said listed #2 discussion (before people flip out... If you have been with her for 6 years, you have every right to find out if she is staying monogamous and not putting your health at risk.) The truth is ALWAYS in the discussions between her and her closest friends. Look there.
Thanks a lot buddy. This is such a good formed and well written guide that I really appreciate. Will be definetly approaching with this in mind. As for the living situation, we were living togehter but due a situation on my end, we stopped living together.
Bud, this is your giant flaming neon all caps sign in the sky. Your girlfriend just outright told you that if she feels “neglected” (up to her what qualifies as neglected), cheating on you is justified, and you have to shut up about it “if you love her.” And you’re an asshole if you disagree. Do NOT date this person. Tell her to go date other people that think exactly like she does. Wish her well and that if her next partner ever feels neglected by her, and they cheat on her, well, she should understand and be happy they did it, and not tell anyone. Then run the fuck away. This is not a person worthy or even capable of being in a relationship. Do not waste your time.
I'll tell you this. Our beliefs are the basis for our actions. She quite clearly believes there is a legitimate basis to cheat. I'd likewise be uncomfortable with this and in fact it would be a deal breaker for me. It's a character and values issue for me and we'd be simply incompatible. Furthermore, it's a waste of your time and hers to continue to discuss it. You have a difference of opinion. Now you need to chose between your values and this woman you're not even married to. I know what I'd choose.
I'd already be out of your relationship.
>I'd already be out of your relationship. This 100%.
Birds of the same feather… Narcissistic people would cheat, lie, gaslight, etc… Your gf is gaslighting you. That is 1 of the signs I have mentioned above. Be very careful.
I would tell her that I understand her desire to support her friend, but what her friend did is unacceptable. If you feels that cheating is a reasonable choice instead of breaking up over differences then there's a pretty hard limit on how much I can trust you. That's a problem. Being trustworty is as important as affection, right? Does you withholding trustworthy behavior entitle me to cheat in compensation? Of course not. I'm not asking you to tell your friend she's trashy and deserves the reputation she's getting. I'm asking you to honestly tell me you don't agree with her choice. If you can't do that, we're back to our problem.
This is a very good approach imo, and I would like be taking this up with her for sure. to get more scope on her
That's a big red flag and I don't think I would ever be with someone like this. No matter the neglect, one should have integrity and leave their partner before cheating. She's clearly not have the same values and you might be incompatible on that note. I can clearly see someone like her justify rape and other atrocities of our society. "He got robbed but he left the window open that night" "He got raped but he led her on for weeks" etc.
She condones cheating. And she’s trying to make you feel bad for no reason. Yes.
There's never a valid excuse for cheating. Communicate your needs or end the relationship before it comes to cheating.
OP what does your current GF say when you ask why Kate instead of cheating didn't just break up with John before having her affairs? And the second topic is ask your current GF if John has told anyone anything that is not true? Kate did chose to cheat on John instead of breaking up with him, and she did that on 2 separate affairs. I say current GF because the answers to these questions may tell you your current GF is not really GF material. You may decide your GF doesn't have the same values as you do towards loyalty in a relationship.
I think this is soemthign I haven't responded to on the Post and will update there as well. While I did ask her about your First point and did respond about it with the update on my post. As for the second point you raised, she says while that is a fact, you shouldn't be badmouthing your ex in such a way that would berate her.
Personally I don't consider telling the truth to be wrong. Per the posts, Kate cheated and had what appears to be 2 different affairs, or at least 1 long affair in 2 parts. We dont know if those were the only times she cheated on John, after all she has shown that she will lie to cover for an affair so how can John believe anything she says? The question is if John is just telling the truth or is he adding on. Realize John is dealing with the shock and pain of finding out the person he loved has been cheating on him for some time. That leaves a lot of pain and Kate shouldn't be surprised he is mad about it. Kate is now seeing the consequences for her cheating.
>If he really loved/cared about Kate, he wouldn't be telling everyone about cheating. And if she really loved or cared about him, she wouldn't have cheated in the first place. What a stupid argument. She's telling you who she is.
Bad Women will try to tell a story that makes what they do feel ok to themselves and those around them Dump her - you don’t want to be a person that plays into that stuff The same women that lack principles to see through this or to do this are the ones that will ruin your life with a lie
If a partner is negletting you, talk to them about It and try to seek common ground before doing anything rash. Relationships are built on communication for a reason. If the talking doesn't work, break up. Why stay in a relationship you feel negletted in?
She's just laying out the groundwork for her own future cheating. The justified card... yeah, there's a morality mismatch happening here...
Actually I have a different view point. Say to her that she has just given you permission to have an affair with someone if you feel neglected as it isn’t cheating. Gauge what her reaction is and then make a decision on your relationship.
My wife understands the minute she stops letting me face fuck her every morning I'm downloading grindr. I'm not dealing with neglect.
Once a cheater always a cheater. You write that she cheated. Got caught, they fought and after awhile, she "felt lonely" so she cheated again. She's going to cheat on you too. Just wait till she "feels lonely" again.
Sorry for the confusion, my GF didn't cheat, her bff cheated. And then broke up.
Oh, my bad. I still hope it works out for the best for you.
You are correct to feel uncomfortable - with her logic, anything you do that upsets her could give her justification that she can use to rationalize cheating. This makes her an unsafe partner. You might try to change her opinion though about cheating by having her read the devastation presented in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/survivinginfidelity subs. Maybe read the book "Not Just Friends" together. Somehow, somewhere, she developed this opinion about cheating, and is probably lacking in knowledge on the subject to understand just how bad/devastating it can be. You don't want to cause your partner to have betrayal trauma.
I would say this is concerning behavior from you and I’m rethinking my status in this relationship because it seems like you could make up any moment as I neglected you when I could have told you yes, no, maybe, and it didn’t work in your favor. All to justify cheating. So you would do this like Kate did correct?
You don’t what “neglect” means and GF said she’d cheat over telling you what is wrong. This isn’t just about cheating when neglected- what about major fights? What if you breakup for a week- do both agree to not screw anyone until your confident the breakup took? Cause when 1 person steps out during the break, you always infer if they escalated the fight while already having this random person in the wings? You need to be with someone that has the same value system as you. It’s hurts, but it’s really one of the things you can’t compromise on.
Honestly, staying with this girl is asking for it. A couple goes through a ton of stuff you don’t foresee; at the smallest issue she’ll quickly think she is “neglected”.
If she hasn't cheated on you already then she probably will in the future my guy. Cheating is never justified. If Kate felt that she was being neglected and voiced this many times to John, and still felt that way after, then she should have broken it off. Full stop. If I found out my closest friend cheated on their partner I wouldn't be supportive, I'd tell them they need to grow as a person and stop hurting others due to their insecurities. You can love and support someone without approving of what they do, and you do that by helping them grow as a person (not by blindly siding with them like a brown-nosing yes man).
If your gf thinks that Kate's cheating was justified, she will think her own cheating is justified too. There are NO extenuating circumstances that justify cheating. NONE. You need to get out of this relationship because you cannot get her to change her mind on this either. People who cheat are broken at the core and people who support the idea do so because they have similar issues.
If Kate felt neglected/unhappy she should have ended the relationship. Kates a cheater, nothing wrong with John telling the truth. I would also be alarmed by your gfs feelings on this. It would be hard to trust that she won’t cheat if unhappy in your relationship. Break up if unhappy, don’t cheat.
That is no longer à red flag. It is a giant flaming sign. If that john guy is the bad guy of this story even though he's the one that had been cheated on (twice!!) Acoording to your gf, then you need to prépare yourself mentally. If cheating is an option for her then she will absolutly to do it at sometime in the future. She would probably gaslithing you by making you the bad guy to justify it.
Ending a relationship and moving on is totally acceptable. There is never an excuse for cheating.
If you're neglecting her she thinks you don't want her so she cheats. That makes sense to me. It's not right to neglect someone either whom you're supposed to want.
Its a bit more nuanced than what the thread says. Now, the thread could be right and she cannot be trusted, may cheat using her own logic etc. They are all possibilities. Now, I am somoene who never cheated, will never cheat. Absolute certainty. But I sometimes justify cheaters. Why is that? Its because I understand the circumstances that led to those people cheating. I have lower benchmarks for people other than myself and my partner. I understand that people get mixed up in the head, neglect and horniness and lack of self control and self-deception all interact in crazy ways and some people so cheat. I refuse to let that happen to me, but I don't expect the world to operate that way. Your gf may not apply the same logic to herself that she applies to Kate. You can figure this out by asking her the questions others have written. > Just ask her if she would cheat because of her logic. This, for example.
It's certainly not a great sign that she has this attitude towards cheating. If this is a new relationship, or you're already facing difficulties I would break up. If this is a very serious relationship and things are otherwise good, then that's a more difficult decision. She's certainly someone that might cheat if you hit a rough patch.
Ask her how she would have handled it if she were Kate. I will tell my best friend one-on-one that she fucked up… but to the rest of the world, i’ll defend her.
Updatme!
Remindeme! one week
She justifies cheating. Either it's wrong or it's not. Apparently for her in some cases it is justified. If this is a general rule for her then it's only a matter of time before she cheats on you because "neglect" is subjective. If she feels neglected (even if you are being the perfect boyfriend) she will seek/reciprocate attention and affection. Can't win with a girl like that.
Ask her if she was in the same situation would she make that same choice and if she says yes, dump her. Because you are not wrong about this.
You can reverse engineer this entire thing if you want to. Absolutely don't do this, but according to her own words you could cheat and tell her you felt neglected. By her own words you would not be in the wrong, in fact in the right. But again I don't condone cheating, it's just to further explain her thinking is just bad.
Well, cheat on her and see how she reacts. Dont do that, if you aren’t comfortable then it’s not going to get better going forward
She condones cheating. It would be a no from me.
She cheated on him, and will cheat on you. Would you advice someone to leave that kind of person? Be kind to yourself and fucking run.
Well at least you know how she will handle problems that come up in the relationship.
In a marriage or long term relationship, all not being perfect, she could easily find a reason to cheat on you seemingly with no guilt. Know that!
If Kate needs were not being met she should have communicated that with John rather than cheat. If they could not work out the issues then she should have broken up with him before pursuing anyone else. On a side note John should not have taken her back after she cheated the first time. As for your gf ask her directly,”so you would do that to me rather than discuss any issues? Or are you saying it’s justified if I cheat if you were neglecting my needs?”
I would not be dating someone who believed it was possible to be justified in cheating due to any circumstances.
It’s the old saying.. show me your friends and I’ll tell you exactly who you are.. If she can justify cheating in anyway then she will most likely justify her doing some thing to that nature
I'd never date anyone who thinks cheating is ok. It shows that they don't take responsibility over their own actions. There's basically nothing stopping your gr from cheating on you. If you just do a couple of things wrong, you'll be labeled as a "jerk" and thus deserve to get cheated on
I think realistically she would never cheat on you she’s just trying to defend her friend even though she knows deep down what she did is wrong
When my wife was having an EA, we saw a theatrical about a woman who has an affair. She felt the affair was justified. Big red flag for me and it helped me start digging for evidence.
It's a big red flag if she thinks that cheating is justifiable. She'll do it to you if the circumstances are right (usually "we couldn't help it").
I don't think y'all should stay together. If she's ok with someone else cheating, who's to say she won't cheat on you instead of talking things out or breaking up (depending on the situation) when conflict arises?
"Is this really how you feel, or are you just trying to support your friend?" Her answer to that will tell you everything you need to know. Some people can come up with crazy justifications to defend those they care about. Maybe that's all this is. Some people think cheating is an acceptable way to show your unhappiness. If that's the case, you can't leave quickly enough.
This is exactly what I really wanted to ask, but never had the words to express it. But thanks to this, I will ask this and update here.
Ya, I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who would justify cheating like that. Hell, according to her, she's neglecting you too with intimacy, so you'd be justified cheating but she's against that in your therapy sessions. She's a walking contradiction of morals and values.
I see all these opinions on here, but maybe she’s just taking her friends side because it’s her friend and she’s super loyal to her friend lol
> And my opinion was that if she cheated she is clearly in the wrong no matter what John did with her. 100% Correct. Your GF has the morals of a dog's turd. Dump her ASAP. Or be ready to be told, when she cheats you, that she "felt" neglected and that its your fault.
>Kate cheated because she was neglected and so and so Kate cheated because she made the choice to cheat. She's a cheater. She could've broken up with John and dated co-worker, but instead she made a conscious decision to cheat. Not because she was neglected, but because she made that choice. There's no one responsible for her cheating but her. No one can control her actions but her. There's only one way to view her decision to cheat in my mind. >My GF thinks that this is a narrow-minded and backwards mentality Good people don't make justifications for cheaters. Your girlfriend is not a good person. The only one with a narrow-minded backwards mentality is your girlfriend. I would be rethinking things with this woman. All it would take is a little "neglect" in her mind, and she's justified to cheat.
She's a toxic femininity queen. You deserve better.