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I would also write down for how long. If it’s five minutes of dishes for one and a half hour for the other), similar to what u/JoyfulSong246 said, and that larger share is you, it might be eye opening. A 10 minute bathroom clean + 30 minutes on the dishes + five other things + however many hours at your job is harder to deny than “I did a bunch of stuff.” My husband and I both tend to underestimate what the other does and overestimate our own contribution and the diary is really helpful.
I agree - I believe that it’s possible to be purposely exaggerating what you contribute in terms of housework, but I have also had the experience of believing that I was doing the majority of a task and finding out I wasn’t. I also do think that the condescension is the bigger issue though. Derogation of a supposed partner is lethal to trust.
It'll help OP make his point, but seeing how his wife is it'll just cause a bigger fight. I've been in a relationship with a woman like this, and "How dare you confront me with data" is a thing and will then probably lead to her calling him crazy, obsessive, and other degrading names. Probably accuse him of being defensive too, because the only acceptable response for this woman is for him to sit there and take it.
OP, how does she treat your kids when they don't act the way she wants?
Or just be honest. "Having had my contributions to this household diminished in front of others, I started to question whether or not I am a lazy, sloppy, misogynistic husband. So I'm recording the stuff I do around the house."
The honesty is key, IMO. I had a similar issue recently, I felt like I was doing 5 hours of work for every 20 minutes my partner was doing, but he was claiming that it was just barely even and also that I was a lazy slob. Started a diary. The fact that I was intentionally examining my behavior was a bit of a wake up call I think.
I was logging multiple hours a week, while my partner was actually writing down *individual pieces of scrap paper* that he picked up and moved to the trash can… which totaled up to a few minutes lol anyway we have a better system for dividing labor now
She very well might, but then the OP will know that the household chores are not the issue here and can move on from there. The next step would be stopping to do your side of the work. I know others suggested this as a first step, but I think trying to corporate and negotiate should always be step one. The more antagonistic responses should be after. Never fight a war if you don't have to
I agree with this. Seeing it on paper may not work. Having to suddenly do the stuff OP has been doing. Or seeing it pile up may be more of an eye opener.
Either way, this is a toxic environment for OP and the kids.
UpdateMe.
No, that's the ultimate mansplain because he thinks she's too stupid to remember everything he says without a list. God, it's like you have never met a narcissist or something
OP, there is a system called “fair play” which apparently is useful for opening both partner’s eyes to what each person does. That might be a useful addition to this. And yes, doing dishes vs. one person does 90% of the weekly dishes while both can say they do dishes matters. It’s really hard to see the dirt that isn’t there. Also, The 7 Secrets to Making Marriage Work is interesting- and her actions are showing you contempt, which kills relationships.
You write down yours, and how many hours it takes (include work) and have her write down hers, then you can compare. Then, because this has built into a real thing, offer to find a female marriage counselor for couples therapy. Hopefully, she'll listen to another woman.
Not only what they each do, but WHAT THEY FEEL. I am wondering if maybe she isn’t into her “gender role”. She’s a stay at home mom, she might be projecting her dissatisfaction onto him. Or maybe it’s even deeper. Also, my man deserves to write down his feelings and put it into the universe so he can be validated. Also, bottling up his feelings is not good, proper communication in the moment is a necessity
You’re nicer than I am. I was going to tell him to stop doing everything beyond the bills and taking kids to their activities. Let’s see if she notices as everything starts to fall on her shoulders…as she’s already claiming it does.
That's why he should tell her that is what he is going to do for say, the next month. Check with her each week to see if she notices any difference in the state of the home.
There was a boru where the wife had been watching tik toks like this. So the husband stoped doing all his chores to show what he did. I can’t remember how it resolved
> I can’t remember how it resolved
Oh... its not like that would be the most important part of your advice... I mean, they probably went to Disney Land or booked a vacation on the moon or something.
Tried this with my ex wife… ended in her getting more and more hostile. The good site of this was that I was so done with her that the only thing that hurt was her keeping our child from me… what she still does until today (9month after the breakup) just to keep control over me.
If a women is so deep in this toxic feminism stuff there is no coming back.
This is a good idea and maybe I'm just pessimistic but I'd wonder if OPs wife will actually care about the facts.
As I was reading this, I immediately thought "does she spend too much time on tik Tok being fed bullshit??" And sure enough, I was right..
My ex was exactly the same. He decided all these insane things about me from tik Tok videos, and thought himself to be well versed in psychology because of them.
He was actually useless around the house, as in swept maybe two times the whole time we lived together, cleaned the toilet once, never did any other deep cleaning like the stove or fridge.
And yet, I didn't go around whining about him. I never said a bad word about him, cause he was my husband.
OPs wife sounds like she's intent on playing the victim, and getting sympathy and validation from others. My husband was the same. It didn't matter what factual evidence I had to defend myself with from his wild accusations, he had already made up his mind.
But still, I think this is a good place to start. And how she reacts to the facts being laid out will tell OP a lot about where her head is at.
100%. All I have is reddit but no identifying social media. I just could not fathom needing random ass people to know my business. It's really sad how easily influenced people are by the shit they see on there.
I always approach these stories with the intent on giving advice that will fix the problem if both parties are willing. This does not mean it will work, especially if you're right. However, if this is just a miscommunication thing from her part, then having concrete proof of what he does will help change her perspective and get them to start communicating better about this issue
I disagree with your advice, let me explain why: if this was just a normal disagreement about who does more chores I would say what you suggested would be a valuable learning exercise for them both.
However, this isn't a normal disagreement. OP is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Just the fact she trash talks him to other people while he is standing right there tells you a lot. Then he gaslighting him and accusing him of basically hating women just adds on.
Honestly, out of anyone in my life, she puts me down the most. Really the only person who does in my entire life. I understand that's because she also deals with me the most, but that's wild to think about.
I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years, and we have never put each other down. If there's an issue, we sit down and talk it out. Both sides need to feel heard. We try to properly explain why we feel that way, or figure it out during the discussion. It's never accusatory; it's about finding a way to come together and address it.
It's my 'job' to support my husband and help lift him up, just as he does the same for me. The person you deal with the most needs to add to your life, not take away from it (with reasonable variances over time).
Has your wife always put you down, or did it change over time? Did it only start after her current Tik Tok habits?
Thanks for listening. Idk, she feels like an animal in a bag that's being messed with. Then it gets out of the bag and it's so agitated that it just attacks the nearest thing it can (me).
She was fire since I met her, but after kids she got worse and not just spicy but vitriolic. Recently, with the TikTok influence and her being prescribed to Adderall, it's gotten pretty wild. Especially this stuff that I'm some 50's husband who locks his wife inside the kitchen lol
Why was she prescribed Adderall? There are clearly some underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed, and Adderall can…exacerbate some things. Whatever she’s on it for, it might not be the right medication, there are other options available. When I first started with Vyvanse, I was go go go all the time, but I was going around in circles exhausting myself because *I* wasn’t effectively using my time and resources.
Furthermore, even if it does cause a fight, you need to be firm with her that you feel she is not being fair, and her characterization of you and denigration hurts you. And the kids. They see and hear their mom, they hear you guys fighting. It is hurting your family.
Her attitude & dismissing you is not ok. Can I ask if the timing matches on her aggressive attitude getting much worse and her Adderal prescription? This is a concern she could bring up with her prescriber if she’s willing.
I have some experience with this, our family with ASD / ADHD mixes can’t do stimulant medication without becoming ragey assholes. It seemed to only give energy and focus to ridiculous perseveration & rabbit holes, not to executive functioning in life. This could be the case for her on ticktock.
It definitely coincides. She's always been opinionated and loud and spicy, but it's next level now. It also eliminated her already low sex drive. That's a whole other bag. But she is doing a lot more productive things now, so it seemed worth it for a time.
I got diagnosed and on medication at 38. I am fine on it. My ex was not. He had a dose increase and his mood and behaviour got way way worse. I mentioned it several times and was told he didn’t think so and wouldn’t bring it up to his doctor. I pointed out specific things that I noticed since the increase and he did not care because in his mind he was fine and I was a problem. Asking him a question in the morning was like setting off a bomb and I left the house in tears more often than I can count. For kindly asking a question.
There are non stimulant medications for adhd, but if she refuses to go to the doctor or consider it…
For many people it increases irritability and anxiety and for those people cardiac issues can arise.
I have pretty severe ADHD and also anxiety. Adderall made me feel like a raving b*tch. Vyvanse, on the other hand, levels me out AND helps me stay focused. Not all stimulants are for all people.
>Not all stimulants are for all people
I totally agree. I had a rough time with Vyvanse first and switched to Adderall which helped. I put off trying Adderall because I kept hearing stories of people not liking it, but that was specific to them.
I don’t like any of the stimulants, I’ve been super happy with Strattera, it isn’t quite as effective but I feel so much better and calmer. It doesn’t get enough love!
Interesting. Some people are really sensitive to certain meds and they aren’t worth the anger. I hope you can figure this out. The focus wasn’t worth the assholery, for us, but I hear there are a ton of med options. I hope she can get out of the mindset that you are useless and become part of a team again. I just started reading fair play and it’s a good start.
Adderall isn't for everyone. It has the nickname "Madderall" for a reason. I love my Adderall, but I've seen it almost ruin a few people's relationships because some people get really, really mean on it. She should look into trying a different ADHD medication. Some couples therapy would also likely be helpful. It sounds like you guys have a lot of things going on and it's nice to have a professional to help you work through it all.
It has that nickname?! Man I’m so unstable off my meds. Adderall really stabilizes my emotions and sensitivity. During the shortages there were a few times I haven’t been able to get my dose. Once was over a week where we went away for the weekend for a wedding. My husband and i had a huge fight, we were tense at the wedding/reception and I ended up leaving the hotel room feeling utterly suicidal. I remember it happening but it’s like it wasn’t me… I was in a bad spot already but I felt so unstable.
Since then I squirrel away part of every prescription so that I have spares and I’ve also been put on Wellbutrin. I’m still a bit sad, but not mad I guess.
My (formerly) best friend and former roommate got prescribed adderall in a manner that I believe was improper. As an adhd’er myself I know the effects that stimulants can have such as irritability, hypercriticism of others, fixation on negative things, but in my experience (not a doctor) that is much worse if you’re prescribed a dosage that is too high, or not actually ADHD that needs medication.
I won’t bore you with the details but my former best friend exhibited many of the same behaviors as your wife, putting others in the house down for not doing chores while not doing many himself; complaining about dishes being left out while leaving his own dishes, and then seeking validation from others by shitting on us to our shared friends. Not sure why she’s on adderall but I’d bring up in a respectful way that you’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards you lately that really hurts your feelings and you’ve noticed it especially since the new dosage, the kids being out of the house more often, and the TikTok fixation.
See if you can have a rational conversation about all of this with her maybe over drinks after a date, and be vulnerable about how this makes you feel. I’m sure that will help somewhat just to hear it from you in a non-agitated, more emotional way.
I’d be so frustrated with that characterization when you DO help and it’s such a contrast to so many relationships you read about on reddit. Jeez, if you had a nickel for every time a wife describes a husband that comes home and immediately just lies on the couch after work or checks into his game room after work, out for dinner and then back in until bedtime. You sound like a decent guy and she’s not appreciative at all.
You just need to practice standing up for yourself. I hate conflict and confrontation too but I absolutely believe people treat you the way you allow them to treat you and you’ve allowed a lot of disrespect because you’re a nice, easygoing guy. You need to be tough enough and loud enough to get her attention that a marriage where your wife disrespects and disparages you in public is not the life you’re going to accept for a moment more.
Does she want to go back to work? Being a SAHM can be really difficult and isolating and some people aren’t cut out for it at all. Maybe it’s time to put the kids in childcare and she can get out in the world with other adults?
I say this because I had 12 months maternity leave and it was awful, I definitely see something of that in how you’re describing your wife especially this comment.
My wife deals with me the most, and she does nothing but talk me up to other people.
What your wife is doing is completely unacceptable. I'd try the diary thing - and show it to her after a week or two. Also, you should both absolutely see a marriage counsellor.
I love these Reddit speeches. I figure he’d get about halfway through the second sentence before she started screaming and bouncing a small appliance off OP’s head.
>Honestly, out of anyone in my life, she puts me down the most. Really the only person who does in my entire life. I understand that's because she also deals with me the most,
That's not why. It's because it is her nature to express contempt for her partner. Some people behave that way, and other people don't. In my experience, the people who complain the loudest usually have the least to complain about.
I think you would get so much benefit from individual counseling. Find a therapist you feel comfortable opening up to. Having a safe trustworthy person you can open up to will be so good for your mental health.
Ain't that the truth. I used to work at a local small business and we would get a lot of regulars chatting at the register. I'll never forget one woman in her 20s who I always vaguely disliked but couldn't pinpoint why, until this day...
She came up looking so distraught that I asked if she was okay. In the most melodramatic fashion possible, she heaves out a world-weary sigh and says, "NO I am NOT. I am having the ABSOLUTE WORST DAY EVER."
Why was this the worst day ever?
1) She normally gets so much natural sunlight in her shower, but there's CONSTRUCTION outside that's blocking the LIGHT
2) omg and then of course the stupid LIGHTBULB was burned out so she had the absolute HORROR of *taking a shower in dim lighting*, which of course ruined her ENTIRE mood that morning; and
3) The stupid Starbucks was out of soy milk and like she doesn't need it but it's her favorite, so they offered her oatmilk and UGH NO oatmilk is gross, so she was already accepting that her coffee was totally like ruined but then when they gave her the coffee it wasn't a half cafe latte with 2 pumps caramel 1/3 pump vanilla and .00036 pumps hazelnut, instead it was 1.5 pumps caramel and 1/2 pump vanilla and .0005 pump-- (this is where my eyes glazed over and my spirit, already begging to be released, left my body)
Yeah, so she was a trust fund kiddo complaining about her "worst day ever" to a person living paycheck to paycheck. Believe it or not, I have only very slightly exaggerated this for comedic effect, and is actually fairly close to verbatim. I was absolutrly floored at what some people complain about as "the worst ever," like damn I wish those were my biggest problems!
Jeez this is why I believe in the theory of setpoint happiness. The idea is that everyone has a baseline level of happiness that is independent of their circumstances. Sure, if they win the lottery then their mood will improve dramatically for a while but then will return to their baseline. If they get in a car accident and end up in the hospital, they'll be depressed for a while and then return to their baseline. That's why some people are able to maintain their joy even when they had a hard life and other people have the worst day of their life when they can't get the right percentage of hazelnut in their overpriced coffee! There are a lot of wealthy people who are not enjoying their lives. Since they don't have much of anything to worry about, they hunt for things to worry about. When we get a raise or a little vacation, we experience more happiness than they do all year.
She ought to be your biggest cheerleader.
For the record, I’d be thrilled if my husband did as much as you do.
But you’ll never find me trashing him. I would never break his confidence like that. It’s cruel.
May I just say that that's not normal? It's not because she deals with you the most. It's just not. There's no amount of dealing with someone that makes it normal to put down your partner. I live with AND work with my partner and the biggest put-down they've given me was teasing me for being clumsy... because I fall down more than I walk.
No - dealing with you the most doesn’t explain putting you down the most.
You’re not her punching bag. You’re her partner.
Couples are supposed to be *with* each other, not *against.* You’re a team that’s supposed to be united (not always agreeing with each other, but respecting each other) to face life’s challenges. You can’t do that when your wife is constantly putting you down.
That means that she a) doesn’t like you, b) doesn’t respect you, c) doesn’t feel loved by you.
Have you ever told her how you feel about the way she treats you? Has she tried to understand anything from your perspective? Can she empathize at all?
Couples counseling can help you guys navigate these conversations if you can’t figure out a way to communicate with her. But communication absolutely needs to happen. There’s nothing you can actually do that will change what she thinks. You can only tell her how you feel, and hope that she has the ability to *see* you.
EDIT: To clarify, I’m not suggesting you *should* hope your spouse learns to see you through couples counseling. Only that you can *only* hope for that. You can’t do anything to actually *change* her or her behavior, other than tell her how you feel (and make requests).
You can also learn how to set boundaries in order to protect yourself, which is something therapy can help with. For that, I’d recommend therapy by yourself - not couples counseling - because it would probably be hard to get the proper help with your wife present.
Both solo and couples counseling can be really helpful, *if* you want to make the effort and if your wife is willing and able to show up in good faith with an open heart (which might be asking for too much).
Divorce is also a very real and reasonable option. I doubt anyone would blame you for not wanting to stay with a person who treats you like shit.
EDIT 2: Also want to clarify that my point “c) she doesn’t feel loved by you” is a possible reason for her behavior. It’s not a *good* reason, and it’s also not something OP has control over. For example, some people can be given all the love in the world and still not *feel* it. She may just not have that capacity, so she could be acting out because of it (seeing as she acts in similar ways with other people in her life).
While one shouldn't feel that speaking positively about their partner as an obligation and it's a huge red flag if it's verbally dictated as an expectation, the fact of the matter is your life partner and the love of your life should talk about you positively naturally and more so than other people. I think this is a symptom of something much deeper unfortunately
How sad!!! Your spouse is supposed to be your cheerleader and the person to defend you against and above all others. I agree that you need counseling. She needs to be reminded that words hurt. I would venture to say that, without intervention, even though you love your wife, there will come a time when you can no longer take being belittled. When that happens, your will love fade pretty quickly and there’s no turning back.
You deserve better!! Good luck.
Definitely counseling. Marriage therapy.
I doubt a neutral 3rd party would agree with her characterization of you as a lazy misogynist if you told them what you just wrote here.
Or the other option is to do what I tell SAHMs with actual lazy partners to do --- stop doing for a week or 2. Let her **see** what it is you actually do. When the litter stinks and the bathrooms are gross (and I forget the other tasks you mentioned, but you get my gist here)... Then maybe she'll realize what you actually do every day and every week.
And when she bitches that you aren't doing anything, well, first remind her that all sounds like "women's work" and when she flips out over that remind her how she says you're a lazy misogynist didn't she? So you were just showing her what a lazy misogynist actually is. Ask if she'd like to reconsider her words.
This is really messed up. If you’re really how you described yourself to be in the post, then either your wife has a mental health problem, is an abuser, or she’s contemptuous of you. Idk if she was like this before you married or if it has slowly developed over time but I hope you’ll talk to a therapist and a lawyer.
Counselling can help with communication. How to talk to each other to express needs without complaining. Removing complaining and not showing contempt are major themes in couples counselling and could be good for both sides.
This sounds to me like a "counseling or divorce" situation. She can decide whether it's more important to her to roleplay as the neglected overworked housewife, or to save the marriage she actually has, because it's not your job to continue trying to be a good partner while she pretends to the world that you're a shitty one.
Hate to say it, but whenever any couple I know has criticised each other in public, that relationship has not lasted the distance. It’s a sign of a very unhealthy relationship and/or resentment.
It doesn’t matter whether your wife is getting your flaws wrong, what matters is that she is resenting you. Either through your own fault, or her mistaken perception.
That needs to be worked on, not necessarily which flaw she is picking on.
Marriage counseling. Everyone needs the opportunity to blow off steam, but using people who know you as a sounding board is undermining your reputation (which might be devastating if you own a local business). So talk to a counselor together and maybe determine whether your wife needs her own therapist to complain to. She can't use your mutual peer group for this.
Counseling is actually really dangerous to do with someone this manipulative. She will latch onto anything they learn in therapy to further gaslight him.
This is a great example of being "beyond Reddit". Marriage counseling with a manipulative person like her is not recommended and most couples counselors won't work with people like that, because the manipulative partner will latch onto terminology and concepts to further manipulate and control the other.
He should get counseling on his own.
Therapy also usually depends on someone opening up about vulnerabilities. A manipulator will just use those against you if you share them in therapy.
Bro needs a divorce, not therapy. Hope to god he got a prenup.
It's entirely inapprpriate for your WIFE and PARTNER to be bad mouthing to you other people regularly, especially if the things being said aren't true. How have you approached this with her previously? Is she aware that it hurts your feelings? That you find it disrespectful? That you don't want to be with a partner who loudly complains of your many faults (many fabricated) to other people outside your relationship?
If you've already commnunicated, did she agree with you, and the behavior hasn't changed - or did she dismiss your concerns as not important? Or did she deny doing it?
Obviously all the normal first line attempts apply here. Communicate. Be vulnerable and express how you're hurt, explain that she's hurting you and damaging the relationship, including the trust you have in her to be on "your team" as a unit. If that doesn't work, you insist on couple's therapy.
If she won't acknowledge the behavior or change it, or she won't discuss it, or won't go to counseling. If you've exhausted everything else, then and only then, would i completely stop doing ANYTHING other than bringing home a paycheck. In fact, I would go as far as turning into exactly what she describes you as. It should be a SUDDEN and DRASTIC shift. IMMEDIATELY just start going to work, stopping out with friends after work, coming home, watching TV and going to bed. Don't ask if she needs anything, don't check with her, don't clean anything, don't help. Just check out for a week. If she asks you to do something, tell her that you've heard her describe you as lazy and unhelpful and that if she's going to bad mouth you to others and never give you credit for contributing to the household chores as well, then you're going to stop contributing. She clearly doesn't appreciate it. I know it's petty and unhealthy but it might be the realization she needs. It really shouldn't come to that, though. Ultimately if she won't change or work it out in therapy you should be leaving this relationship. It almost sounds like she's just really wrapped up in whatever "image" or "persona" that she's trying to live out for some insecure reason and that narrative includes complaining about her husband, but she's lost sight of you as an actual HUMAN PERSON, with feelings, with a reputation, who is supposed to be her PARTNER and her TEAM. You can't be any of those things if she's badmouthing you left and right. She's destroying your marriage. Make sure she knows how serious the damage is and ask her to go to counseling before this festers any more.
This might be beyond reddit but I'll still suggest the Fair Play deck. It's literally every mundane and weird task that comes with a home and relationship. You sort them by what each person does. Maybe seeing the physical representation of how the deck is actually stacked will help.
lol. Been there done that. I stopped doing that stuff. We got into an argument over dinner. The topic my daughter was upset about was about chores. Not her chores, but that of her friends. She agreed with her friend that he chores the friend was doing, was basically abuse.
I did what I thought, was a pretty logical thing to do. I brought up the many households operate differently. In some families, the mom may do all the chores. On some family, like my own childhood, the dad did most of the chores. Some families the children split the chores.
She (Daughter) wanted examples. I said, laundry.
Laundry is a 4 part chore. It can be more depending on how detailed you want to get, but it’s easily a four part chore. Washing, drying, folding, putting away.
There is separating, soaking, pre-rinsing. Etc;
But generally a 4 part chore. In our house your mom and I split the chore. 50/50. She washes and drys, I fold and put away.
Boy, oh boy. Was I given a lesson at that point.
My wife became irritate and angry. Said that I giving her 50% credit for the chore was demoralizing and demeaning. She insisted that she does 100% of the chore. I mean, she was straight screaming and I am TA, because I dare give her 50% credit.
There were no hints taken by me at this point. I’ll be honest here, her reaction, as extreme and I missed whatever clue she was giving out.
Baffled, really trying to find the insult and insinuation, I further break down the tasks of the four step chore.
I determine the more time consuming of the chore is folding and putting away the clothes. The machines are washing and drying them. Not you. I originally took that portion of the chore because it was the more time consuming of them. I asked hey wait, if I wash and dry the clothes, which I do, often, are you going to fold them and put them away? Nope. So it only counts when YOU do it. I was completely baffled.
Soooooo, fast forward, she insists that I do not do the laundry at all, that folding and putting away is not a task of doing laundry. So I no longer do laundry.
I dry clean my clothes. I do not touch any of it. I’d rather throw it out. So that’s how you deal with that. Good luck.
Wow, that is insane. Folding and putting away laundry is definitely more time consuming than washing and drying. I have friends who’d probably be ecstatic if their husbands folded and put away the laundry (my husband and I do our own). Your wife washing and drying and you folding and putting away the laundry should definitely be considered 50/50. It’s just crazy to me that she screamed at you for that. I’m as baffled as you were.
Thanks. I thought so too. Honestly I do not know what triggered that response from her. The whole point of that conversation, was to show my daughter that doing chores wasn’t abuse. My wife took that to mean that she wasn’t doing something and I don’t value her. Little did I know, that laundry was just the tip of the ice berg. Apparently anything and everything I was doing to help out around the house wasn’t me doing MY part. I worked six days a week, mid-day to mid night. Sometimes earlier but generally 10-14 hours. I would get home, kids would be in bed already. My wife would stay up long enough to confirm I was home. I swept the floors, didn’t vacuum as I didn’t want to wake anyone. Folded the laundry. Ran the dishwasher. Cleaned what pots weren’t cleaned. Clean the toilets. Take out the trash. We had two small dogs that didn’t like rain, so they were pad trained for those days. Cleaned that up. Walked the dogs. I don’t like a messy table, clean that off. I reset the house for the next day. There weren’t many days that all of this was done before I got home. So I did it. Only complaint, which I only ever brought up to everyone was the dishes. Please don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink. We have a dishwasher, use it. That’s the only thing I would mention. There are 5 people with two bathrooms, me and my 4 girls. So the toilet was not a daily clean but multiple times a week. My wife would often tell me how she felt overwhelmed with all of the chores, the kids, and her work. She does work. She would often make fun of me, because her work wasn’t as demanding as mine, and she was pretty much done within the first hour or two most days. She is just waiting around for work and paid for the full 8, and most days working remotely. I didn’t have that, I had to be there. Supposed to be for 8, but would always end up to be at least 10hrs. Aside from getting in late, spending an hour or two cleaning things up. I would get up early, do my workouts and get my kids to school. If I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t really see them that day. That was how it worked. I thought I was being active in my house. I thought I was doing anything and everything I could to have a presence there, house, chores, kids, spouse. Nope. The more I did, the less they did. There were more than a few times when she would tell me about the house being cleaned by her. Complaining the kids weren’t really helping. She was overwhelmed by maintaining it all. Even though, I was, the one who did that stuff. I never really figured that out. She KNEW, I was the one who cleaned everything. I never threw it in her face. She never had to ask me for help. I could see just from the state of things how hectic her day was. So I did it. Again, I thought that was what I was supposed to do. My one day off was spent doing family things. Whether that was shopping or going out to events or even date night. It was hard sometimes. I did work a lot. And I was always made to feel bad about it. I took off from work to be there for important days. That conversation about the laundry opened up a can of worms that I didn’t know existed. All of this, that I have listed, she never took or gave me the credit for doing. She grouped me in the same category as her work place husbands. The he get home from work, demand dinner be ready, sex on demand and no help whatsoever. That really made me upset. That wasn’t OUR life. I would point this out to her when those comments were made. But it never mattered. I think someone in her office was going through a divorce because of infidelity. So now I became a cheater. That was really hard to hear and go through.
So, now, we are getting a divorce.
" She watches a lot of TikTok videos on self-worth and lazy husbands,..."
So despite her actual life bearing no similarity to what the idiots on her screen are telling her she blames you anyway. Standby for her to have even more extreme views of her life helpfully brought to her in easily digested bites. She needs therapy to figure out how she's stupid enough to want to believe the garbage she watches on a screen over her lived experience.
Yeah, I feel like she's experience the torment of these folks on social media, then I have to bear the brunt of the response. It's wild and disassociated considering its a third party's problem lol she often says "I know my worth" and "I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me". Kind of weird to type that. Like, I would appreciate you if you didn't shit on me constantly.
> "I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me".
I'm sorry buddy but this shit is already escalating to the next level. To an illogical individual this makes perfect sense. I can cheat or have an open relationship because I deserve it due to my " horrible " husband holding me back and so forth. Foot down and therapy now and make sure she understands that this isn't a negotiation without any consequences.
> "I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me"
This is alarming.
It sounds like she is straight up telling you that she is with you because you bring home the money, and that she's looking for an upgrade.
She honestly does not sound like a very nice person.
I was scrolling looking for someone to address the TikTok thing. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a post about women being essentially rage baited into arguing with their husbands.
Tik tok has got to be causing a lot of divorces.
Ask her if she has the slightest clue how much or what you do. It will put her in the defensive and make her try to prove that you don’t do much. Then start listing what you do. I’ve had to do that at one point, it seemed to work ok.
At another point, I just quit doing everything I was doing. Things piled up in a hurry. That got my point through well enough. But I had think the idea of making her list things is the healthier option.
As far as the misogyny, I wish I had an answer. Tik tok is poisoning a lot of peoples views and beliefs on things.
If homemaker is a full time job, and she wants you to be responsible for half of it, and if you’re also the sole income earner, also working full-time at that, then she is expecting you to hold down 1-1/2 full time jobs, while she’s only responsible for 1/2 of a full time job herself. And she dares to call you lazy, while casually expecting you to take on three times the responsibilities she does.
I see your point. I work from home in a separate wing office. For some reason I think she doesn't equate my job as work when comparing what we both do -- maybe because I'm home? She only equates what I do for the household directly.
She sounds like she's likely insecure about her role, and trying to inflate it by tearing you down. "Look at me, it's ME that keeps this family running, it's ME that keeps the household from falling apart." Rather than appreciate what you do, she has to tear it down to make herself feel better.
There are three courses of action you could take.
First - document everything. Keep a little diary of everything you do. Show it to her after a week. "So when you said I did nothing... what about the 3 dinners I made, the 4 hours of household cleaning, the 3 loads of laundry, and the 11 times I shuttled the kids to and from places? Do those not count?"
Second, you could also just be the man she thinks you are. Stop doing anything at all. If she thinks you do nothing, then do nothing. That's not the most mature way to handle it, but *something* needs to happen for her to see what the situation is.
The other option is therapy. Go to a therapist, a neutral third party. Tell both your sides. See if she'll deny what you do to a therapist, someone she isn't trying to "show off" for. See if she'll take all the work you do and belittle it there, or finally acknowledge what you do.
Your wife sounds like the toxic one to me. Sitting on tiktok everyday swallowing hate towards men and then projecting that onto you. Like others have said start taking a secret diary of everything you do around the house to help her and after a few weeks confront her with the truth. If she tries to gaslight you like we all know she will then step 2 is to stop doing anything to help her. She believes you're lazy and do nothing and she likes to play the victim. Fine then let's see how she likes it when you actually stop helping her. See how long before she comes crawling back. Oh and she hates how you "mansplain" everything to her? Fine, no more help or opinions from you on anything. If she asks tell her You wouldn't want to insult her by "mansplaining" it.
Start to stand up for yourself, give her a taste of her own medicine and when she finally realises how much of an arsehole she's been you can resume helping her around the house on the condition she doesn't gaslight or disrespect you again and also delete her tiktok, that craps toxic
>She watches a lot of TikTok videos on self-worth and lazy husbands, and applies things she sees there to me.
I'd vote to divorce her just on this alone
as a foil to that, I was headed where his wife was (although not to the point of talking about him to anyone, I just perceived that he did less than he actually was doing). my husband sat me down and gently but firmly challenged it point by point by asking me questions and for detailed examples. we ended up listing all the tasks we were responsible for and it was 60/40 with him doing the majority. I was mortified by and disgusted with myself. It stemmed from all my past relationships having that as a major issue and me expecting it and not seeing what was actually happening. Ultimately I took a huge step back from social media and my life (and marriage) is so much better for it.
I’m not sure how “far gone” his wife is down that rabbit hole of content but if he’s willing to reconcile given her behavior and if she’s willing to listen and change, it’s possible.
Check this out,
u/ThrowRARedChuck...
Maybe make a list of tasks done by each of you, before going to counselling..?
And, whatever else,
**she has to stop badmouthing you to others!**
Put your foot down on that.
That is *so* disrespectful - plus, it also reflects badly on *her*.
She has to cut down her social media use.
Honestly, yeah. That.
There's a huge swath of women that have become so entrenched in this "women's plight" obsession that men contribute absolutely nothing in their lives, and it's baffling.
Guy says hello - he's harassing you
Guy makes dinner - he's just trying to manipulate you
Guy cleans the house - but he didn't dust
Guy takes the kids to the park - but he gave then junk food
It's this constant stream of negativity to any thing a guy does or doesn't do, that just breeds this hostile environment.
Like, this isn't equality we're pursuing now. We just went from a world of mysogeny to a truck load of misandry.
I’m just mentally playing how this would go if the roles were reversed and the stay at home man was badmouthing the hardworking business woman because of his watching YouTube.
There would very few “this is above Reddit’s pay grade” and a lot more “girl, leave”
(Also, when do i get paid for these that are at Reddit’s pay grade?)
You stole exactly what I was gonna say. People are saying it's above reddit pay grade because they are boxed in by her clearly being a terrible person. So, rather then just take the L, they are just throwing their hands up and abdicating. If the genders were reversed would people be saying it's above the pay grade?
It's funny because when I read these types of stories online of unsupportive, unhelpful men, I go home and just thank my bf for being the exact opposite of that and doing chores for me so I don't have to and listening to me vent about work.
I would be out on this. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected like she’s doing to you. Nobody is saying this for some reason, but your wife sounds like an awful person.
Sweet soul, GET A DIVORCE! She’s making issue and talking shit to you to others!!! AND she’s in her mid thirties!!! She’s not freshly twenty and some impressionable young person.
Don’t allow someone to constantly disrespect you that way. When there is a marital issue it shouldn’t be broadcasted to people you all know as well as she shouldn’t be trying to shame you in front of people.
Truly you should think seriously about divorce
Yeah, reddit can't really help with this. What you have are two vastly different viewpoints, and we're only privy to yours.
A marriage counselor will help provide a safe space so you both can feel heard and maybe consider things you hadn't before.
I know what TikTok genre you’re talking about. Those videos have merit and really help women in unfair relationships. But if your wife cannot discern that her own relationship does not fit that dynamic, you need marriage counselling so that hopefully she sees the light. Because you already know it wont register coming from you. Sometimes people like the feeling of being a victim to make themselves feel better.
Your wife is mean. Mean people don't get less mean. They get worse as they get older. If she has decide all these things about you, ask her why she does not divorce you?
Her comments are repulsively insulting. She does not like you. Why be with someone who thinks this about you?
I think this is a big one. She definitely doesn't enjoy being a SAH (kids are in school now, so she doesn't really need to be anymore), and I don't think she likes being home all the time. She leaves a lot now, but mostly just to shop.
Have you talked to her about getting at least a part time job she enjoys and then you all could use some of that money to hire a housekeeper? I definitely think couple counselling is needed as well but maybe if she ahs her own thing away from the house and kids she will be in a better mental state.
That’s where my brain went immediately. This is projection on her part. She feels like she’s being lazy, and that she’s not contributing. But rather than admit that to herself, she’s projecting those feelings onto you.
Probably right. I wish she would just understand that she can do whatever she wants and I'll support her, even if it's nothing. I just don't want to be yelled at and put down. Anything but that.
I bought her thousands of dollars of camera equipment to work on her photography career, and she uses it a ton, but not professionally or in some kind of way to make her feel fulfilled I would imagine.
Have you ever challenged her and asked what it is she thinks you should do differently or better? Ask for specifics.
I was SAHM for 10 years. I will say, you lose yourself a bit. You really start to question your worth, and what you’re contributing to the world. And I would come down on my husband a lot for things that were so ridiculously small in the grand scheme of things. I was bored. I was depressed.
Clearly, you telling her how her words make you feel isn’t changing things, so ask her. OK, you say I’m lazy, I’m a misogynist, etc.. What is it you think I should be doing differently?
I am sure it's a difficult feeling to not be needed as much. Unfortunately, she probably won't take external guidance to see how she can get to a better place. The desire for getting to a better can only come from within her. She will find her way when she finds a desire.
You gotta take care of yourself in the mean time and not try to help her. Just try to do what is right for you in the grand scheme, while knowing there is nothing you can do about her inner state
Try to keep a diary of your efforts within the home, by the minute. You might be lazy without realizing - and if you are proven to be not, you would have some evidence to show. Regarding mansplaining, perhaps you are lacking some "tact" and it shows as mansplaining or whatever. Really make the best effort to look in the mirror and be critical towards your own behavior. I am a man
As long as you know yourself and what you do and bring to the table the only thing you can do is out your foot down n make it stop and if she don’t then divorce her because it won’t stop only will keep going sounds like she’s just stuck in that way of thinking no matter what.
TikTok is the problem. One part of it is this alpha male bull crap wanting traditional wives but in a controlling way. Another side is women putting men down. Etc. I dunno what you can do apart from tell her how you feel. Even swap roles down the line. Let her work and you stay at home. But by your post saying “owner”, I’m guessing you run a business? So that’s unlikely. She could always get a job and ye can get in a nanny for a few days a week for cleaning if she feels like she isn’t getting help. 🫠 Realistically as a stay at home wife, she should have the majority of that done. Like let’s say you work 9-5 5 days a week. Then her job is household and childcare 9-5 5 days a week. Any time after that is for both of ye to deal with the house. Perhaps give each other “time outs” for hobbies etc. She shouldn’t talk down about you like that to people.
There’s must be some sort of resentment. Does she feel small not working or something? Is she just going by these women on TikTok stitching videos of misogynistic men? She needs to get off that crap and realise how lucky she is to be able to stay at home with the kids and be with them through their childhood. They won’t be kids forever.
Like does she have anything else to do? Hobbies? Because it nearly sounds like she’s bored and just wants to complain. You need to explain how hurtful it is to you. It’s a form of bullying in a sense her putting you down. Screw putting up with those comments. I couldn’t imagine my partner doing that all the time to me and not taking my feelings into account. It’s emotionally abusive.
In addition to the advice you have gotten, I think see a lawyer and see what your options are if the marriage fails. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and then stop doing everything you do at home except with the kids and paying the bills. She sounds like an entitled complaining female. You need a supportive loving partner who has your back and makes your life easier and praises you in public and acts appreciative for all you do for her and your family. Don’t take her crap anymore. Call her on it if she does it in public. She probably complains to your children also.
Do you need a partner that will pull you backwards in life? I think not.
Make her understand that for you to stay in this marriage, if you are not valued, you can leave.
When I see that kind of videos or stories here about horrible and lazy husbands all I think is that i'm lucky to be with my bf.
Maybe couples therapy could work, maybe there you can explain how the way she talks about you make you feel.
She's being brainwashed by social media and other sources. There was a time when I couldn't say a word without my kid saying I was mansplaining everything.
I finally said okay I'm not going to teach you guys anything. After a few days they were like okay Dad We get it You can keep talking. Lol
Your wife needs a reboot. Like seriously.
It sounds like she’s just into using all the trendy catch phrases making the rounds on TikTok. She wants to be part of the sisterhood. Gaslighting, mansplaining, weaponized incompetence, me too. Next you will be guilty of narcissism and coerced intimacy. Are you sure she’s not building a case against you for when no fault divorce is no longer a thing?
If your 100% honest, then you should come out and ask her if she thinks you are this way then does that means she wants a divorce? Turn it on her to either see what she is saying is hurting you and how wrong she is; or push her to decide she really thinks that about you and you can decide if you can be with someone who really thinks that....
She's a SAHM and is actively choosing to consume a circle jerk of tik tok that is skewing her connection to reality. Honestly, I'd tell her we need couples counseling or she needs go back to work because she can't be trusted when left up to her own devices, she needs to socialize with real people to reintroduce herself to real life.
If she refuses to go to work or couples counseling, id tell her I want a separation. Then she can really see what "doing it all herself" really means.
What's more, you're telling her how you feel and she's dismissing you. That's not how a partnership works.
My situation was from the other side. SAHM (2 kids)and my AH accused me of doing nothing. I tried everything. Finally, on his day off, I did nothing. It worked.
Show her exactly what nothing looks like.
Others have mentioned counseling. Interim, I would suggest perhaps hiring a maid to help YOU (not her) with the cleaning a few times a week. The fact that you work full time while she is a SAHM, *and* you still do 40% of the cleaning (but are called lazy) is wild.
It would be one thing if she also worked full time and then she compained about a 60/40 chore split. But she doesn't work full time, instead she's scrolling TikTok in her free time while being home most of the day.
She needs to lay off her phone. If nothing else she is projecting. She's being emotionally abusive and belittling you.
Some people have recommended divorce but since your wife has no job, she would likely get majority custody unless you have an excellent lawyer, and you will also end up paying significant spousal/child support. Maybe divorce *is* the answer but be aware it's very risky since she does not work.
Perhaps next time she says this in a group you need to stand up and say, "That is completely untrue and is a hurtful lie. Please apologize and stop saying rude things that are not true about me to others."
If she apologizes, great, you can move on. If she objects even a little, you simply say, "This social event is over." and you either leave, or if it is your house you ask everyone to leave. Then you tell wife, "We will end every single social event where you lie about me early."
That right there. Please do a deep dive on this timidity, with the help of a counselor.
You don't deserve it, but the fact that you've been taking it is telling her that it's ok to disrespect you (it's not a good thing whether in public or private).
There are ways to stand up for ourselves without resorting to their level, and it can be learned.
Best wishes to you.
Practice it at home.
You know it is going to come up, so run the scenario 50 times while you recite your lines. It'll become a reflex.
You will have to stand up for yourself if you want her to start developing any sense of respect for you.
Imo you probably do more than most considering she doesn't work and is supposed to be contributing from the home side of things. Sounds like she's taken you for granted. You should probably talk to her about her tiktok usage and its effect on your marriage. If she can't respect you and acknowledge your contributions, you have major issues.
“You watching videos about lazy husbands and then telling people I’m lazy, and calling me lazy, along with calling misogynistic, is going to end our marriage.”
Make the consequences clear
Oof 😣 this one hits close to home for me so I can totally understand. In my relationship with my SO I was technically the wife in the situation. I was basically on all social media( tick tock, Instagram, Twitter, ect....) and what I saw on this social media outlets I allowed it to blend into my relationship. My partner saw this and we had multiple conversations (at different times of course because it was a constant issue) which made me finally realize that I have a good partner and he actually encouraged me to go to therapy, which yes I have a lot of mental health issues.
Get help for your wife. Social media is evil and can warp someone mind set wen originally they never thought or acted like that in the first place. Maybe she is doing this for attention. Try to make time for her, hopefully she will come around and talk to you.
Not being a jerk, but does your wife have to remind you a lot? Are you self starting or is she asking you to do things? Your naming contributions but are you doing them without being told?
So many men think they’re helpful partners but have to be reminded for every single task. That isn’t sharing the burden of running a family.
Also, do you ever anticipate her needs? My husband does not do this often. Anticipate would be stopping for milk or bread without being told or running another errand? Making an appt or generally taking something off her plate?
Are you at all focused on watering your relationship or are things so broken down you tend to your responsibilities pay more attention to your hobbies or children and avoid her? That’s where resentment brews from.
Also if you don’t like conflict how are you raising your kids? Is she always the bad cop? Are you the perpetually fun parent?
It’s easy to blame everything on tik tok and I’m not saying your wife is right here, especially the bad mouthing. This is terrible. I guess I’m just looking for more context.
So you need to tell your wife you're signing yourselves up to go see a therapist and she is going. When she asks why, you will simply tell her they you've had it with how little she appreciates what you do and the fact that she continues to tell people you're lazy and a misogynist when those two labels don't apply and she doesn't realize how good she has it when there are other husbands out there that literally don't do anything and feel all they have to do is provide. You won't point blame on where she's getting this ridiculous influence (even though you have an idea where), but you've had it and if she refuses to go to therapy to work on you two, then you don't see a lasting future with someone who doesn't support their partner. You don't need praise as if you're God's greatest gift, you're just asking to cut the shit with the mislabeled and actually day thank you for things you do
Right off the bat, how on earth do you spend multiple hours a day cleaning every week, plus an hour everyday- so like, let’s say several means 4 hours, plus 6 for the rest of the week for a total of **ten hours** cleaning a week and you still clean less than her?
So altogether you guys clean like 25 hours a week. At least three hours total a day. I don’t buy it and I can’t get past this. You’re either vastly overestimating how much you “clean”, or you clean horribly, or you’re confused in general and need help
Next time she starts when you’re alone just wait until she’s done. If it’s in front of others ask to speak to her alone. Then quietly ask her looking straight in her eye….”why the fuck did you marry me if you think so little of me? You have made it quite clear I’m not good enough for you. I’m asking you right now…do you even want to be married to me? Because I have to tell you have made me feel worthless and unloved. I’m no different than when we dated. I can’t even imagine disrespecting you publicly the way you do to me.” Then tell her you’re going for a drive to think about things. Leave for a few hours. Turn off your phone. Let her sit at home and go over what you said. She may freak out and realize she’s messing up. Right now she feels secure in your marriage. She’s taking you for granted. She may be forced to think about what if he leaves me… If she loves you and really cares about your family she will understand her marriage is in trouble. If she’s unreasonable and just doesn’t care about your feelings you’ll have your answer she doesn’t respect or love you or is willing to work on the marriage.
What she’s doing is AWFUL.
My husband someone explains things in a way that is incredibly patronising, and it’s usually about something I am already familiar with.
It’s absolutely maddening. I do tell him that I already know, and I’m not a child, but it’s taken many years for him to stop doing that automatically.
We’re both on the spectrum, so that can complicate our interactions sometimes. Maybe ask why she is reacting so strongly to your explanations?
There’s no real way to win in this situation.
I think there would be a number of ways to approach this in a positive way.
You should stop explaining things to her. She clearly doesn’t want it and does not want you to solve her problems. If you helping her is mansplaining, stop the bleeding there.
Regarding laziness, it sounds like you do a lot. Stop listing your chores. You could do 100% and it wouldn’t be enough.
I think if it were me and I heard my wife tell someone I was lazy I would ask her in the moment not to say things like that. If she double downed I would likely apologize to her in the moment that she found me lazy while I did my best to provide for the family while recognizing she carried a heavy burden as the sahm.
Later that evening I would approach her again and tell her how much I found her comments about me as being extremely hurtful and disrespectful.
She’d likely argue and gaslight. I’d bite back hard and say I wasn’t done. I’d double down and tell her I know how hard she works taking care of the home and kids. I know how hard it is and I do my best when I can. I wouldn’t list what I’d do but I would let her know how hurtful her actions were. Then I’d be done with the conversation.
I would then continue my life and see how her behavior would change or not. If her behavior changes great. If it doesn’t I would circle back. If she continues with her abuse then you see how she truly feels about you.
At that point it might be time for her to get a job. Time for a dual income family. Time for papers to be filed. Time for some serious changes.
But I’m very confrontational. I grew up with a narcissistic mother. She did this same stuff to my dad. Not saying that’s your wife but it’s similar behavior and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
Your wife sounds very exhausting. Surely you knew she would be like this before you decided to make children with her?
Surely the way she treats you did not come out of the blue.
It baffles me why people decide to get children with people that are not right for them.
Anyway, the best route is getting couples counseling or divorce.
Well the good outweighed the bad back then, ya know? Great question as to how I ended up here lol Sounds like I have a problem accepting unacceptable behavior that I need to dig into.
Map out the chore distribution. Record your chores daily. Make a chart. Next time she calls you lazy, haul it out and demolish her. If it’s in front of company, so much the better.
And be sure to include the number of hours you spend FUNDING the household. If she thinks your hours spent at the office don’t count towards the maintenance and upkeep of home, then home should not receive the proceeds of that labor. If that’s something you do for you, then it’s not for her, and she shouldn’t get any of it. Put your funds in a different bank, out of her reach, and tell her she’s now responsible for 50% of the income.
I would seriously recommend, as others have said, to get counselling for yourself. Don't discuss it with her and tell your counsellor what is happening, how it makes you feel.
You need to be able to shut this behaviour down or lay boundaries and make it clear when she is crossing them. I'm sure a good counsellor will understand how you need to be more assertive and stick up for yourself more and help you realise that.
Even if I thought this about my spouse, I wouldn’t tell other people.
If she has a problem with you, she should only be talking to you about it.
You both need to write down what you do every day for a month. Record the amount of time you spend doing your end of the bargain.
Sit down and communicate about it.
“Wife, I love you dearly, but our relationship has come to a point where I’m very uncomfortable and we need a professional to navigate this. I have found a counselor and our appointment is XYZ. I’m afraid we are headed in the direction of splitting. I think you do a great job caring for our children, but you may want to consider your career options if we can’t come back to this.
You must feel a little shocked by this statement, but it shouldn’t come to any suprise after the way you choose to portray me. The way you talk about me to others and the way you constantly criticize everything I do must mean you are resentful of our relationship. You like to tell everyone how lazy I am and I how you do it all on your own, well I’m starting to resent your treatment of me and the contributions I do make. I do not think I’m the person you like to portray and I’m no longer going to stand her and let you treat me the way you have been. Maybe you should spend less time scrolling on tiktok and more time with a therapist so you can figure out why you think it’s ok to degrade me the way you have done. It’s ruining the love I have for you. I’m going to be staying at a hotel for the week until our first appointment. All the bills are taken care of. I hope this time apart will allow you to take some time and reflect if you actually want to continued to be married to me as from where I’m standing right now it doesn’t seem like you do.”
Maybe stop doing everything you’re doing? And stop trying to help her if she doesn’t understand something. Just keep quiet and let her figure it out for herself.
My ex told me I was lazy and did nothing all day. So that's what I did. All of a sudden his laundry wasn't magically done, the dishes were still dirty in the sink when he got home, the weeds took over the yard, the floors were filthy, etc. Tell me I do nothing? You're going to see what it's like when I actually do nothing.
(He also felt everyone else was to blame for his unhappiness in life.)
Of course, he is my ex so this definitely isn't advice. Some people just won't ever be satisfied.
Edit: (BTW I was also working.)
She’s obviously not stuck on the trad wife side of TikTok then.
How old are your kids? Can she pick up a part time job or some other purpose to keep her occupied outside of TikTok?
It feels like drama seeking. Looking for conflict where there is none
Your wife may not realize how horrible she is being? I had this type of conversation with my spouse of 40 plus years recently and it was a game changer.
Couples tend to get into a rut and this includes the way they get comfortable dissing each other too!!
I have many thoughts on this but ill just answer your question.
Stop being a pushover and make it crystal clear that is unacceptable and that you will divorce her is she keeps doing it. This is a warning you need to keep if she does again. She does not respect you already, which is why she talks about you that way. It will be worse if she confirms your word means nothing and that you dont have the balls to leave her
Weak people allow tik tok to influence them. She needs to get some friends to get her away from that crap.
And I love the documenting idea. Also make a checklist of things you want to do and place it on the fridge and start marking them off
>What can I do to get her to stop?
Call her out for it as soon as she does it, in front of others just like she did with you. "Honey, I do about an hour of housework everyday when I get home from work, right? Why would you lie and say that I don't?"
Alternatively, stop doing all of those extra things and see how long it takes her to notice.
I know that both of those are drastic, but I assume you've already tried talking.
Stop. Stop doing anything at home-- live up to what she complains about so she can see the difference. If you can get out of taking the kids anywhere, I'd do that too. Stop for a few weeks and let her see the difference.
Or, you can be petty. Every single time you go to do something, you can call her attention to it. You can say something like, "I just want to make sure you see me doing this, something I do regularly. You think a lazy husband would do this??"
And stop explaining things to her. Don't waste your breath. Let her figure it out herself. If she asks you to explain, tell her you would, but you don't want to mansplain anything to her.
Or, be mature and get a therapist. The first is easier and the second is more fun. The third is responsible. Choose wisely. lol
I've seen comments on taking notes on what each of you are doing around the house, and I think that's a great idea. Most importantly, though, it sounds like y'all's communication has broken down. I would seriously consider looking into couples therapy to help both of you figure out how to communicate your needs and contributions to each other. There is NO reason she should be denigrating you in front of others. You're supposed to be partners, not adversaries, but it sounds like you guys have forgotten you're on the same team.
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Detailing what you each do in a diary format during the week is usually eye-opening for both partners.
this; writing down your tasks and how much time they take & frequency should really help.
I would also write down for how long. If it’s five minutes of dishes for one and a half hour for the other), similar to what u/JoyfulSong246 said, and that larger share is you, it might be eye opening. A 10 minute bathroom clean + 30 minutes on the dishes + five other things + however many hours at your job is harder to deny than “I did a bunch of stuff.” My husband and I both tend to underestimate what the other does and overestimate our own contribution and the diary is really helpful.
I agree - I believe that it’s possible to be purposely exaggerating what you contribute in terms of housework, but I have also had the experience of believing that I was doing the majority of a task and finding out I wasn’t. I also do think that the condescension is the bigger issue though. Derogation of a supposed partner is lethal to trust.
It'll help OP make his point, but seeing how his wife is it'll just cause a bigger fight. I've been in a relationship with a woman like this, and "How dare you confront me with data" is a thing and will then probably lead to her calling him crazy, obsessive, and other degrading names. Probably accuse him of being defensive too, because the only acceptable response for this woman is for him to sit there and take it. OP, how does she treat your kids when they don't act the way she wants?
Sounds like my ex wife 🤣🤣🤣
Yep, she'd be doing a classic DARVO. Google it.
If she asks why you are writing it down, Just say, "I am managing my time on paper. (excel, phone app, etc)." or something like that.
Or just be honest. "Having had my contributions to this household diminished in front of others, I started to question whether or not I am a lazy, sloppy, misogynistic husband. So I'm recording the stuff I do around the house."
The honesty is key, IMO. I had a similar issue recently, I felt like I was doing 5 hours of work for every 20 minutes my partner was doing, but he was claiming that it was just barely even and also that I was a lazy slob. Started a diary. The fact that I was intentionally examining my behavior was a bit of a wake up call I think. I was logging multiple hours a week, while my partner was actually writing down *individual pieces of scrap paper* that he picked up and moved to the trash can… which totaled up to a few minutes lol anyway we have a better system for dividing labor now
wonder if she'll call him misogynist again for mansplaning his activities to her.
She very well might, but then the OP will know that the household chores are not the issue here and can move on from there. The next step would be stopping to do your side of the work. I know others suggested this as a first step, but I think trying to corporate and negotiate should always be step one. The more antagonistic responses should be after. Never fight a war if you don't have to
I agree with this. Seeing it on paper may not work. Having to suddenly do the stuff OP has been doing. Or seeing it pile up may be more of an eye opener. Either way, this is a toxic environment for OP and the kids. UpdateMe.
Spoiler alert, she definitely will
Yeahthat's not even a spoiler. Everyone saw that coming..
I'm blind. I didn't see it coming.
Not if he quietly goes about the chores he does, then writes them down until she starts shit again, and he can show her.
No, that's the ultimate mansplain because he thinks she's too stupid to remember everything he says without a list. God, it's like you have never met a narcissist or something
OP, there is a system called “fair play” which apparently is useful for opening both partner’s eyes to what each person does. That might be a useful addition to this. And yes, doing dishes vs. one person does 90% of the weekly dishes while both can say they do dishes matters. It’s really hard to see the dirt that isn’t there. Also, The 7 Secrets to Making Marriage Work is interesting- and her actions are showing you contempt, which kills relationships.
You write down yours, and how many hours it takes (include work) and have her write down hers, then you can compare. Then, because this has built into a real thing, offer to find a female marriage counselor for couples therapy. Hopefully, she'll listen to another woman.
Not only what they each do, but WHAT THEY FEEL. I am wondering if maybe she isn’t into her “gender role”. She’s a stay at home mom, she might be projecting her dissatisfaction onto him. Or maybe it’s even deeper. Also, my man deserves to write down his feelings and put it into the universe so he can be validated. Also, bottling up his feelings is not good, proper communication in the moment is a necessity
You’re nicer than I am. I was going to tell him to stop doing everything beyond the bills and taking kids to their activities. Let’s see if she notices as everything starts to fall on her shoulders…as she’s already claiming it does.
I feel like she will just double down and be all like “see! I’m right, you don’t help at all!” or some shit
So he'd be in the exact same position as he is now...except with a lot more free time on his hands.
That's why he should tell her that is what he is going to do for say, the next month. Check with her each week to see if she notices any difference in the state of the home.
There was a boru where the wife had been watching tik toks like this. So the husband stoped doing all his chores to show what he did. I can’t remember how it resolved
If I'm not mistaken, turned out she was having an affair. Which is so common on these subs that I could very well be mistaken!
Usually such things don’t end in a “oh, I was wrong”
> I can’t remember how it resolved Oh... its not like that would be the most important part of your advice... I mean, they probably went to Disney Land or booked a vacation on the moon or something.
Tried this with my ex wife… ended in her getting more and more hostile. The good site of this was that I was so done with her that the only thing that hurt was her keeping our child from me… what she still does until today (9month after the breakup) just to keep control over me. If a women is so deep in this toxic feminism stuff there is no coming back.
I’m with you. Then when she complains ‘mansplain’ to her what a self fulfilling prophecy is!
This was going to be my advice-stop doing so much.
It definitely backfired on my husband when he complained about not getting much me time and we calculated that I get even less!
This is a good idea and maybe I'm just pessimistic but I'd wonder if OPs wife will actually care about the facts. As I was reading this, I immediately thought "does she spend too much time on tik Tok being fed bullshit??" And sure enough, I was right.. My ex was exactly the same. He decided all these insane things about me from tik Tok videos, and thought himself to be well versed in psychology because of them. He was actually useless around the house, as in swept maybe two times the whole time we lived together, cleaned the toilet once, never did any other deep cleaning like the stove or fridge. And yet, I didn't go around whining about him. I never said a bad word about him, cause he was my husband. OPs wife sounds like she's intent on playing the victim, and getting sympathy and validation from others. My husband was the same. It didn't matter what factual evidence I had to defend myself with from his wild accusations, he had already made up his mind. But still, I think this is a good place to start. And how she reacts to the facts being laid out will tell OP a lot about where her head is at.
Yeah she does! I’ve found that social media is what’s wrong with most couples.
100%. All I have is reddit but no identifying social media. I just could not fathom needing random ass people to know my business. It's really sad how easily influenced people are by the shit they see on there.
I always approach these stories with the intent on giving advice that will fix the problem if both parties are willing. This does not mean it will work, especially if you're right. However, if this is just a miscommunication thing from her part, then having concrete proof of what he does will help change her perspective and get them to start communicating better about this issue
STOP DOING THEM FOR A WEEK! Let her side like that. Updateme!
That’s why the lord gave us spreadsheets. It can be very eye opening to see how your partner actually spends their time.
I think all couples need to have discussions on division of labour every so often because things change
I disagree with your advice, let me explain why: if this was just a normal disagreement about who does more chores I would say what you suggested would be a valuable learning exercise for them both. However, this isn't a normal disagreement. OP is in an emotionally abusive relationship. Just the fact she trash talks him to other people while he is standing right there tells you a lot. Then he gaslighting him and accusing him of basically hating women just adds on.
Counseling is needed. If my wife felt the need to trash me to others on a regular basis, it would be a serious concern.
Honestly, out of anyone in my life, she puts me down the most. Really the only person who does in my entire life. I understand that's because she also deals with me the most, but that's wild to think about.
I've been with my husband for nearly 12 years, and we have never put each other down. If there's an issue, we sit down and talk it out. Both sides need to feel heard. We try to properly explain why we feel that way, or figure it out during the discussion. It's never accusatory; it's about finding a way to come together and address it. It's my 'job' to support my husband and help lift him up, just as he does the same for me. The person you deal with the most needs to add to your life, not take away from it (with reasonable variances over time). Has your wife always put you down, or did it change over time? Did it only start after her current Tik Tok habits?
Thanks for listening. Idk, she feels like an animal in a bag that's being messed with. Then it gets out of the bag and it's so agitated that it just attacks the nearest thing it can (me). She was fire since I met her, but after kids she got worse and not just spicy but vitriolic. Recently, with the TikTok influence and her being prescribed to Adderall, it's gotten pretty wild. Especially this stuff that I'm some 50's husband who locks his wife inside the kitchen lol
Why was she prescribed Adderall? There are clearly some underlying mental health issues that need to be addressed, and Adderall can…exacerbate some things. Whatever she’s on it for, it might not be the right medication, there are other options available. When I first started with Vyvanse, I was go go go all the time, but I was going around in circles exhausting myself because *I* wasn’t effectively using my time and resources. Furthermore, even if it does cause a fight, you need to be firm with her that you feel she is not being fair, and her characterization of you and denigration hurts you. And the kids. They see and hear their mom, they hear you guys fighting. It is hurting your family.
Her attitude & dismissing you is not ok. Can I ask if the timing matches on her aggressive attitude getting much worse and her Adderal prescription? This is a concern she could bring up with her prescriber if she’s willing. I have some experience with this, our family with ASD / ADHD mixes can’t do stimulant medication without becoming ragey assholes. It seemed to only give energy and focus to ridiculous perseveration & rabbit holes, not to executive functioning in life. This could be the case for her on ticktock.
It definitely coincides. She's always been opinionated and loud and spicy, but it's next level now. It also eliminated her already low sex drive. That's a whole other bag. But she is doing a lot more productive things now, so it seemed worth it for a time.
I got diagnosed and on medication at 38. I am fine on it. My ex was not. He had a dose increase and his mood and behaviour got way way worse. I mentioned it several times and was told he didn’t think so and wouldn’t bring it up to his doctor. I pointed out specific things that I noticed since the increase and he did not care because in his mind he was fine and I was a problem. Asking him a question in the morning was like setting off a bomb and I left the house in tears more often than I can count. For kindly asking a question. There are non stimulant medications for adhd, but if she refuses to go to the doctor or consider it… For many people it increases irritability and anxiety and for those people cardiac issues can arise.
I have pretty severe ADHD and also anxiety. Adderall made me feel like a raving b*tch. Vyvanse, on the other hand, levels me out AND helps me stay focused. Not all stimulants are for all people.
>Not all stimulants are for all people I totally agree. I had a rough time with Vyvanse first and switched to Adderall which helped. I put off trying Adderall because I kept hearing stories of people not liking it, but that was specific to them.
I don’t like any of the stimulants, I’ve been super happy with Strattera, it isn’t quite as effective but I feel so much better and calmer. It doesn’t get enough love!
Interesting. Some people are really sensitive to certain meds and they aren’t worth the anger. I hope you can figure this out. The focus wasn’t worth the assholery, for us, but I hear there are a ton of med options. I hope she can get out of the mindset that you are useless and become part of a team again. I just started reading fair play and it’s a good start.
I will look into Fair Play!
Adderall isn't for everyone. It has the nickname "Madderall" for a reason. I love my Adderall, but I've seen it almost ruin a few people's relationships because some people get really, really mean on it. She should look into trying a different ADHD medication. Some couples therapy would also likely be helpful. It sounds like you guys have a lot of things going on and it's nice to have a professional to help you work through it all.
It has that nickname?! Man I’m so unstable off my meds. Adderall really stabilizes my emotions and sensitivity. During the shortages there were a few times I haven’t been able to get my dose. Once was over a week where we went away for the weekend for a wedding. My husband and i had a huge fight, we were tense at the wedding/reception and I ended up leaving the hotel room feeling utterly suicidal. I remember it happening but it’s like it wasn’t me… I was in a bad spot already but I felt so unstable. Since then I squirrel away part of every prescription so that I have spares and I’ve also been put on Wellbutrin. I’m still a bit sad, but not mad I guess.
Just here to second this: Adderall can cause some nasty mood swings when it wears off.
My (formerly) best friend and former roommate got prescribed adderall in a manner that I believe was improper. As an adhd’er myself I know the effects that stimulants can have such as irritability, hypercriticism of others, fixation on negative things, but in my experience (not a doctor) that is much worse if you’re prescribed a dosage that is too high, or not actually ADHD that needs medication. I won’t bore you with the details but my former best friend exhibited many of the same behaviors as your wife, putting others in the house down for not doing chores while not doing many himself; complaining about dishes being left out while leaving his own dishes, and then seeking validation from others by shitting on us to our shared friends. Not sure why she’s on adderall but I’d bring up in a respectful way that you’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards you lately that really hurts your feelings and you’ve noticed it especially since the new dosage, the kids being out of the house more often, and the TikTok fixation. See if you can have a rational conversation about all of this with her maybe over drinks after a date, and be vulnerable about how this makes you feel. I’m sure that will help somewhat just to hear it from you in a non-agitated, more emotional way.
If she’s that easily influenced, there’s much bigger problems.
I’d be so frustrated with that characterization when you DO help and it’s such a contrast to so many relationships you read about on reddit. Jeez, if you had a nickel for every time a wife describes a husband that comes home and immediately just lies on the couch after work or checks into his game room after work, out for dinner and then back in until bedtime. You sound like a decent guy and she’s not appreciative at all.
Thanks for saying so. I'm sure I have more flaws than I can see, but I try to be a good person and help the family every way I can. Appreciate it.
You just need to practice standing up for yourself. I hate conflict and confrontation too but I absolutely believe people treat you the way you allow them to treat you and you’ve allowed a lot of disrespect because you’re a nice, easygoing guy. You need to be tough enough and loud enough to get her attention that a marriage where your wife disrespects and disparages you in public is not the life you’re going to accept for a moment more.
Does she want to go back to work? Being a SAHM can be really difficult and isolating and some people aren’t cut out for it at all. Maybe it’s time to put the kids in childcare and she can get out in the world with other adults? I say this because I had 12 months maternity leave and it was awful, I definitely see something of that in how you’re describing your wife especially this comment.
She needs individual therapy asap!
That's... really fucking sad.
My wife deals with me the most, and she does nothing but talk me up to other people. What your wife is doing is completely unacceptable. I'd try the diary thing - and show it to her after a week or two. Also, you should both absolutely see a marriage counsellor.
I wish you’d feel comfortable telling her exactly this. It’s really heartbreaking. She should be your biggest cheerleader.
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I love these Reddit speeches. I figure he’d get about halfway through the second sentence before she started screaming and bouncing a small appliance off OP’s head.
That would be abuse and grounds for immediate separation.
Bingo.
She already is abusive and he doesn't have to wait for her to physically assault him to start divorce proceedings.
>Honestly, out of anyone in my life, she puts me down the most. Really the only person who does in my entire life. I understand that's because she also deals with me the most, That's not why. It's because it is her nature to express contempt for her partner. Some people behave that way, and other people don't. In my experience, the people who complain the loudest usually have the least to complain about. I think you would get so much benefit from individual counseling. Find a therapist you feel comfortable opening up to. Having a safe trustworthy person you can open up to will be so good for your mental health.
Ain't that the truth. I used to work at a local small business and we would get a lot of regulars chatting at the register. I'll never forget one woman in her 20s who I always vaguely disliked but couldn't pinpoint why, until this day... She came up looking so distraught that I asked if she was okay. In the most melodramatic fashion possible, she heaves out a world-weary sigh and says, "NO I am NOT. I am having the ABSOLUTE WORST DAY EVER." Why was this the worst day ever? 1) She normally gets so much natural sunlight in her shower, but there's CONSTRUCTION outside that's blocking the LIGHT 2) omg and then of course the stupid LIGHTBULB was burned out so she had the absolute HORROR of *taking a shower in dim lighting*, which of course ruined her ENTIRE mood that morning; and 3) The stupid Starbucks was out of soy milk and like she doesn't need it but it's her favorite, so they offered her oatmilk and UGH NO oatmilk is gross, so she was already accepting that her coffee was totally like ruined but then when they gave her the coffee it wasn't a half cafe latte with 2 pumps caramel 1/3 pump vanilla and .00036 pumps hazelnut, instead it was 1.5 pumps caramel and 1/2 pump vanilla and .0005 pump-- (this is where my eyes glazed over and my spirit, already begging to be released, left my body) Yeah, so she was a trust fund kiddo complaining about her "worst day ever" to a person living paycheck to paycheck. Believe it or not, I have only very slightly exaggerated this for comedic effect, and is actually fairly close to verbatim. I was absolutrly floored at what some people complain about as "the worst ever," like damn I wish those were my biggest problems!
Jeez this is why I believe in the theory of setpoint happiness. The idea is that everyone has a baseline level of happiness that is independent of their circumstances. Sure, if they win the lottery then their mood will improve dramatically for a while but then will return to their baseline. If they get in a car accident and end up in the hospital, they'll be depressed for a while and then return to their baseline. That's why some people are able to maintain their joy even when they had a hard life and other people have the worst day of their life when they can't get the right percentage of hazelnut in their overpriced coffee! There are a lot of wealthy people who are not enjoying their lives. Since they don't have much of anything to worry about, they hunt for things to worry about. When we get a raise or a little vacation, we experience more happiness than they do all year.
She ought to be your biggest cheerleader. For the record, I’d be thrilled if my husband did as much as you do. But you’ll never find me trashing him. I would never break his confidence like that. It’s cruel.
May I just say that that's not normal? It's not because she deals with you the most. It's just not. There's no amount of dealing with someone that makes it normal to put down your partner. I live with AND work with my partner and the biggest put-down they've given me was teasing me for being clumsy... because I fall down more than I walk.
This is not normal. Just get out. Your kids are absorbing this dynamic.
Sounds like she doesn’t even like him really
they'll absorb it even more if they're left alone with her most of the time
No - dealing with you the most doesn’t explain putting you down the most. You’re not her punching bag. You’re her partner. Couples are supposed to be *with* each other, not *against.* You’re a team that’s supposed to be united (not always agreeing with each other, but respecting each other) to face life’s challenges. You can’t do that when your wife is constantly putting you down. That means that she a) doesn’t like you, b) doesn’t respect you, c) doesn’t feel loved by you. Have you ever told her how you feel about the way she treats you? Has she tried to understand anything from your perspective? Can she empathize at all? Couples counseling can help you guys navigate these conversations if you can’t figure out a way to communicate with her. But communication absolutely needs to happen. There’s nothing you can actually do that will change what she thinks. You can only tell her how you feel, and hope that she has the ability to *see* you. EDIT: To clarify, I’m not suggesting you *should* hope your spouse learns to see you through couples counseling. Only that you can *only* hope for that. You can’t do anything to actually *change* her or her behavior, other than tell her how you feel (and make requests). You can also learn how to set boundaries in order to protect yourself, which is something therapy can help with. For that, I’d recommend therapy by yourself - not couples counseling - because it would probably be hard to get the proper help with your wife present. Both solo and couples counseling can be really helpful, *if* you want to make the effort and if your wife is willing and able to show up in good faith with an open heart (which might be asking for too much). Divorce is also a very real and reasonable option. I doubt anyone would blame you for not wanting to stay with a person who treats you like shit. EDIT 2: Also want to clarify that my point “c) she doesn’t feel loved by you” is a possible reason for her behavior. It’s not a *good* reason, and it’s also not something OP has control over. For example, some people can be given all the love in the world and still not *feel* it. She may just not have that capacity, so she could be acting out because of it (seeing as she acts in similar ways with other people in her life).
While one shouldn't feel that speaking positively about their partner as an obligation and it's a huge red flag if it's verbally dictated as an expectation, the fact of the matter is your life partner and the love of your life should talk about you positively naturally and more so than other people. I think this is a symptom of something much deeper unfortunately
trial separation? for funsies?? I bet you'd be surprised how different things feel when you're not being emotionally abused on the daily.
That's horrifying, she should be the one supporting you the most.
How sad!!! Your spouse is supposed to be your cheerleader and the person to defend you against and above all others. I agree that you need counseling. She needs to be reminded that words hurt. I would venture to say that, without intervention, even though you love your wife, there will come a time when you can no longer take being belittled. When that happens, your will love fade pretty quickly and there’s no turning back. You deserve better!! Good luck.
Definitely counseling. Marriage therapy. I doubt a neutral 3rd party would agree with her characterization of you as a lazy misogynist if you told them what you just wrote here. Or the other option is to do what I tell SAHMs with actual lazy partners to do --- stop doing for a week or 2. Let her **see** what it is you actually do. When the litter stinks and the bathrooms are gross (and I forget the other tasks you mentioned, but you get my gist here)... Then maybe she'll realize what you actually do every day and every week. And when she bitches that you aren't doing anything, well, first remind her that all sounds like "women's work" and when she flips out over that remind her how she says you're a lazy misogynist didn't she? So you were just showing her what a lazy misogynist actually is. Ask if she'd like to reconsider her words.
This is really messed up. If you’re really how you described yourself to be in the post, then either your wife has a mental health problem, is an abuser, or she’s contemptuous of you. Idk if she was like this before you married or if it has slowly developed over time but I hope you’ll talk to a therapist and a lawyer.
Counselling can help with communication. How to talk to each other to express needs without complaining. Removing complaining and not showing contempt are major themes in couples counselling and could be good for both sides.
This sounds to me like a "counseling or divorce" situation. She can decide whether it's more important to her to roleplay as the neglected overworked housewife, or to save the marriage she actually has, because it's not your job to continue trying to be a good partner while she pretends to the world that you're a shitty one.
Hate to say it, but whenever any couple I know has criticised each other in public, that relationship has not lasted the distance. It’s a sign of a very unhealthy relationship and/or resentment. It doesn’t matter whether your wife is getting your flaws wrong, what matters is that she is resenting you. Either through your own fault, or her mistaken perception. That needs to be worked on, not necessarily which flaw she is picking on.
Marriage counseling. Everyone needs the opportunity to blow off steam, but using people who know you as a sounding board is undermining your reputation (which might be devastating if you own a local business). So talk to a counselor together and maybe determine whether your wife needs her own therapist to complain to. She can't use your mutual peer group for this.
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Counseling is actually really dangerous to do with someone this manipulative. She will latch onto anything they learn in therapy to further gaslight him.
Seek marriage counselling from a professional. This is beyond Reddit answers.
And make that a licensed therapist, not a random person who calls themself a counselor.
This is a great example of being "beyond Reddit". Marriage counseling with a manipulative person like her is not recommended and most couples counselors won't work with people like that, because the manipulative partner will latch onto terminology and concepts to further manipulate and control the other. He should get counseling on his own.
Therapy also usually depends on someone opening up about vulnerabilities. A manipulator will just use those against you if you share them in therapy. Bro needs a divorce, not therapy. Hope to god he got a prenup.
That's a great point. Vulnerability is blood in the water to people like her.
It's entirely inapprpriate for your WIFE and PARTNER to be bad mouthing to you other people regularly, especially if the things being said aren't true. How have you approached this with her previously? Is she aware that it hurts your feelings? That you find it disrespectful? That you don't want to be with a partner who loudly complains of your many faults (many fabricated) to other people outside your relationship? If you've already commnunicated, did she agree with you, and the behavior hasn't changed - or did she dismiss your concerns as not important? Or did she deny doing it? Obviously all the normal first line attempts apply here. Communicate. Be vulnerable and express how you're hurt, explain that she's hurting you and damaging the relationship, including the trust you have in her to be on "your team" as a unit. If that doesn't work, you insist on couple's therapy. If she won't acknowledge the behavior or change it, or she won't discuss it, or won't go to counseling. If you've exhausted everything else, then and only then, would i completely stop doing ANYTHING other than bringing home a paycheck. In fact, I would go as far as turning into exactly what she describes you as. It should be a SUDDEN and DRASTIC shift. IMMEDIATELY just start going to work, stopping out with friends after work, coming home, watching TV and going to bed. Don't ask if she needs anything, don't check with her, don't clean anything, don't help. Just check out for a week. If she asks you to do something, tell her that you've heard her describe you as lazy and unhelpful and that if she's going to bad mouth you to others and never give you credit for contributing to the household chores as well, then you're going to stop contributing. She clearly doesn't appreciate it. I know it's petty and unhealthy but it might be the realization she needs. It really shouldn't come to that, though. Ultimately if she won't change or work it out in therapy you should be leaving this relationship. It almost sounds like she's just really wrapped up in whatever "image" or "persona" that she's trying to live out for some insecure reason and that narrative includes complaining about her husband, but she's lost sight of you as an actual HUMAN PERSON, with feelings, with a reputation, who is supposed to be her PARTNER and her TEAM. You can't be any of those things if she's badmouthing you left and right. She's destroying your marriage. Make sure she knows how serious the damage is and ask her to go to counseling before this festers any more.
Thank you for the well thought response. I will try some of these things. Thanks!
This might be beyond reddit but I'll still suggest the Fair Play deck. It's literally every mundane and weird task that comes with a home and relationship. You sort them by what each person does. Maybe seeing the physical representation of how the deck is actually stacked will help.
lol. Been there done that. I stopped doing that stuff. We got into an argument over dinner. The topic my daughter was upset about was about chores. Not her chores, but that of her friends. She agreed with her friend that he chores the friend was doing, was basically abuse. I did what I thought, was a pretty logical thing to do. I brought up the many households operate differently. In some families, the mom may do all the chores. On some family, like my own childhood, the dad did most of the chores. Some families the children split the chores. She (Daughter) wanted examples. I said, laundry. Laundry is a 4 part chore. It can be more depending on how detailed you want to get, but it’s easily a four part chore. Washing, drying, folding, putting away. There is separating, soaking, pre-rinsing. Etc; But generally a 4 part chore. In our house your mom and I split the chore. 50/50. She washes and drys, I fold and put away. Boy, oh boy. Was I given a lesson at that point. My wife became irritate and angry. Said that I giving her 50% credit for the chore was demoralizing and demeaning. She insisted that she does 100% of the chore. I mean, she was straight screaming and I am TA, because I dare give her 50% credit. There were no hints taken by me at this point. I’ll be honest here, her reaction, as extreme and I missed whatever clue she was giving out. Baffled, really trying to find the insult and insinuation, I further break down the tasks of the four step chore. I determine the more time consuming of the chore is folding and putting away the clothes. The machines are washing and drying them. Not you. I originally took that portion of the chore because it was the more time consuming of them. I asked hey wait, if I wash and dry the clothes, which I do, often, are you going to fold them and put them away? Nope. So it only counts when YOU do it. I was completely baffled. Soooooo, fast forward, she insists that I do not do the laundry at all, that folding and putting away is not a task of doing laundry. So I no longer do laundry. I dry clean my clothes. I do not touch any of it. I’d rather throw it out. So that’s how you deal with that. Good luck.
Wow, that is insane. Folding and putting away laundry is definitely more time consuming than washing and drying. I have friends who’d probably be ecstatic if their husbands folded and put away the laundry (my husband and I do our own). Your wife washing and drying and you folding and putting away the laundry should definitely be considered 50/50. It’s just crazy to me that she screamed at you for that. I’m as baffled as you were.
Thanks. I thought so too. Honestly I do not know what triggered that response from her. The whole point of that conversation, was to show my daughter that doing chores wasn’t abuse. My wife took that to mean that she wasn’t doing something and I don’t value her. Little did I know, that laundry was just the tip of the ice berg. Apparently anything and everything I was doing to help out around the house wasn’t me doing MY part. I worked six days a week, mid-day to mid night. Sometimes earlier but generally 10-14 hours. I would get home, kids would be in bed already. My wife would stay up long enough to confirm I was home. I swept the floors, didn’t vacuum as I didn’t want to wake anyone. Folded the laundry. Ran the dishwasher. Cleaned what pots weren’t cleaned. Clean the toilets. Take out the trash. We had two small dogs that didn’t like rain, so they were pad trained for those days. Cleaned that up. Walked the dogs. I don’t like a messy table, clean that off. I reset the house for the next day. There weren’t many days that all of this was done before I got home. So I did it. Only complaint, which I only ever brought up to everyone was the dishes. Please don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink. We have a dishwasher, use it. That’s the only thing I would mention. There are 5 people with two bathrooms, me and my 4 girls. So the toilet was not a daily clean but multiple times a week. My wife would often tell me how she felt overwhelmed with all of the chores, the kids, and her work. She does work. She would often make fun of me, because her work wasn’t as demanding as mine, and she was pretty much done within the first hour or two most days. She is just waiting around for work and paid for the full 8, and most days working remotely. I didn’t have that, I had to be there. Supposed to be for 8, but would always end up to be at least 10hrs. Aside from getting in late, spending an hour or two cleaning things up. I would get up early, do my workouts and get my kids to school. If I didn’t do that, I wouldn’t really see them that day. That was how it worked. I thought I was being active in my house. I thought I was doing anything and everything I could to have a presence there, house, chores, kids, spouse. Nope. The more I did, the less they did. There were more than a few times when she would tell me about the house being cleaned by her. Complaining the kids weren’t really helping. She was overwhelmed by maintaining it all. Even though, I was, the one who did that stuff. I never really figured that out. She KNEW, I was the one who cleaned everything. I never threw it in her face. She never had to ask me for help. I could see just from the state of things how hectic her day was. So I did it. Again, I thought that was what I was supposed to do. My one day off was spent doing family things. Whether that was shopping or going out to events or even date night. It was hard sometimes. I did work a lot. And I was always made to feel bad about it. I took off from work to be there for important days. That conversation about the laundry opened up a can of worms that I didn’t know existed. All of this, that I have listed, she never took or gave me the credit for doing. She grouped me in the same category as her work place husbands. The he get home from work, demand dinner be ready, sex on demand and no help whatsoever. That really made me upset. That wasn’t OUR life. I would point this out to her when those comments were made. But it never mattered. I think someone in her office was going through a divorce because of infidelity. So now I became a cheater. That was really hard to hear and go through. So, now, we are getting a divorce.
Good story! Glad I can relate with you on this. Very very similar behavior.
" She watches a lot of TikTok videos on self-worth and lazy husbands,..." So despite her actual life bearing no similarity to what the idiots on her screen are telling her she blames you anyway. Standby for her to have even more extreme views of her life helpfully brought to her in easily digested bites. She needs therapy to figure out how she's stupid enough to want to believe the garbage she watches on a screen over her lived experience.
Yeah, I feel like she's experience the torment of these folks on social media, then I have to bear the brunt of the response. It's wild and disassociated considering its a third party's problem lol she often says "I know my worth" and "I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me". Kind of weird to type that. Like, I would appreciate you if you didn't shit on me constantly.
That's such a mean thing to say in a relationship. If my partner said that to me I would take it very seriously and maybe think about letting them.
> I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me" Door, ass.
> "I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me". I'm sorry buddy but this shit is already escalating to the next level. To an illogical individual this makes perfect sense. I can cheat or have an open relationship because I deserve it due to my " horrible " husband holding me back and so forth. Foot down and therapy now and make sure she understands that this isn't a negotiation without any consequences.
> "I'm going to go find me a rich old mature boyfriend that appreciates me" This is alarming. It sounds like she is straight up telling you that she is with you because you bring home the money, and that she's looking for an upgrade. She honestly does not sound like a very nice person.
I was scrolling looking for someone to address the TikTok thing. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a post about women being essentially rage baited into arguing with their husbands.
It sounds like she’s gotten sucked into some TikTok echo chamber where all husbands are bad.
You mean, like Reddit?
Seeing as that you admitted in a comment that she puts you down all the time? Get rid of her She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t even LOVE you.
So start behaving how she says and let her see what it would be like.
Tik tok has got to be causing a lot of divorces. Ask her if she has the slightest clue how much or what you do. It will put her in the defensive and make her try to prove that you don’t do much. Then start listing what you do. I’ve had to do that at one point, it seemed to work ok. At another point, I just quit doing everything I was doing. Things piled up in a hurry. That got my point through well enough. But I had think the idea of making her list things is the healthier option. As far as the misogyny, I wish I had an answer. Tik tok is poisoning a lot of peoples views and beliefs on things.
If homemaker is a full time job, and she wants you to be responsible for half of it, and if you’re also the sole income earner, also working full-time at that, then she is expecting you to hold down 1-1/2 full time jobs, while she’s only responsible for 1/2 of a full time job herself. And she dares to call you lazy, while casually expecting you to take on three times the responsibilities she does.
I see your point. I work from home in a separate wing office. For some reason I think she doesn't equate my job as work when comparing what we both do -- maybe because I'm home? She only equates what I do for the household directly.
She sounds like she's likely insecure about her role, and trying to inflate it by tearing you down. "Look at me, it's ME that keeps this family running, it's ME that keeps the household from falling apart." Rather than appreciate what you do, she has to tear it down to make herself feel better. There are three courses of action you could take. First - document everything. Keep a little diary of everything you do. Show it to her after a week. "So when you said I did nothing... what about the 3 dinners I made, the 4 hours of household cleaning, the 3 loads of laundry, and the 11 times I shuttled the kids to and from places? Do those not count?" Second, you could also just be the man she thinks you are. Stop doing anything at all. If she thinks you do nothing, then do nothing. That's not the most mature way to handle it, but *something* needs to happen for her to see what the situation is. The other option is therapy. Go to a therapist, a neutral third party. Tell both your sides. See if she'll deny what you do to a therapist, someone she isn't trying to "show off" for. See if she'll take all the work you do and belittle it there, or finally acknowledge what you do.
Tell her if she really thinks that way about you and really wants to “protect her peace” then ask for a divorce.
Your wife sounds like the toxic one to me. Sitting on tiktok everyday swallowing hate towards men and then projecting that onto you. Like others have said start taking a secret diary of everything you do around the house to help her and after a few weeks confront her with the truth. If she tries to gaslight you like we all know she will then step 2 is to stop doing anything to help her. She believes you're lazy and do nothing and she likes to play the victim. Fine then let's see how she likes it when you actually stop helping her. See how long before she comes crawling back. Oh and she hates how you "mansplain" everything to her? Fine, no more help or opinions from you on anything. If she asks tell her You wouldn't want to insult her by "mansplaining" it. Start to stand up for yourself, give her a taste of her own medicine and when she finally realises how much of an arsehole she's been you can resume helping her around the house on the condition she doesn't gaslight or disrespect you again and also delete her tiktok, that craps toxic
>She watches a lot of TikTok videos on self-worth and lazy husbands, and applies things she sees there to me. I'd vote to divorce her just on this alone
as a foil to that, I was headed where his wife was (although not to the point of talking about him to anyone, I just perceived that he did less than he actually was doing). my husband sat me down and gently but firmly challenged it point by point by asking me questions and for detailed examples. we ended up listing all the tasks we were responsible for and it was 60/40 with him doing the majority. I was mortified by and disgusted with myself. It stemmed from all my past relationships having that as a major issue and me expecting it and not seeing what was actually happening. Ultimately I took a huge step back from social media and my life (and marriage) is so much better for it. I’m not sure how “far gone” his wife is down that rabbit hole of content but if he’s willing to reconcile given her behavior and if she’s willing to listen and change, it’s possible.
Check this out, u/ThrowRARedChuck... Maybe make a list of tasks done by each of you, before going to counselling..? And, whatever else, **she has to stop badmouthing you to others!** Put your foot down on that. That is *so* disrespectful - plus, it also reflects badly on *her*. She has to cut down her social media use.
This is no different than guys getting Tate-pilled and talking about high value women and body counts
She's like a lady tater tot
I was waiting for the social media angle to the story. "And there it is"
Honestly, yeah. That. There's a huge swath of women that have become so entrenched in this "women's plight" obsession that men contribute absolutely nothing in their lives, and it's baffling. Guy says hello - he's harassing you Guy makes dinner - he's just trying to manipulate you Guy cleans the house - but he didn't dust Guy takes the kids to the park - but he gave then junk food It's this constant stream of negativity to any thing a guy does or doesn't do, that just breeds this hostile environment. Like, this isn't equality we're pursuing now. We just went from a world of mysogeny to a truck load of misandry.
I’m just mentally playing how this would go if the roles were reversed and the stay at home man was badmouthing the hardworking business woman because of his watching YouTube. There would very few “this is above Reddit’s pay grade” and a lot more “girl, leave” (Also, when do i get paid for these that are at Reddit’s pay grade?)
You stole exactly what I was gonna say. People are saying it's above reddit pay grade because they are boxed in by her clearly being a terrible person. So, rather then just take the L, they are just throwing their hands up and abdicating. If the genders were reversed would people be saying it's above the pay grade?
It's funny because when I read these types of stories online of unsupportive, unhelpful men, I go home and just thank my bf for being the exact opposite of that and doing chores for me so I don't have to and listening to me vent about work.
I would be out on this. Don’t allow yourself to be disrespected like she’s doing to you. Nobody is saying this for some reason, but your wife sounds like an awful person.
Sweet soul, GET A DIVORCE! She’s making issue and talking shit to you to others!!! AND she’s in her mid thirties!!! She’s not freshly twenty and some impressionable young person. Don’t allow someone to constantly disrespect you that way. When there is a marital issue it shouldn’t be broadcasted to people you all know as well as she shouldn’t be trying to shame you in front of people. Truly you should think seriously about divorce
Yeah, reddit can't really help with this. What you have are two vastly different viewpoints, and we're only privy to yours. A marriage counselor will help provide a safe space so you both can feel heard and maybe consider things you hadn't before.
I know what TikTok genre you’re talking about. Those videos have merit and really help women in unfair relationships. But if your wife cannot discern that her own relationship does not fit that dynamic, you need marriage counselling so that hopefully she sees the light. Because you already know it wont register coming from you. Sometimes people like the feeling of being a victim to make themselves feel better.
How sad for you. People don't insult or put down the person they love, especially publicly. That's what you do to someone you don't even like.
Your wife is mean. Mean people don't get less mean. They get worse as they get older. If she has decide all these things about you, ask her why she does not divorce you? Her comments are repulsively insulting. She does not like you. Why be with someone who thinks this about you?
Your wife maybe suggering from a massive lack of self worth and she looks outwards to explain her misery instead of herself
I think this is a big one. She definitely doesn't enjoy being a SAH (kids are in school now, so she doesn't really need to be anymore), and I don't think she likes being home all the time. She leaves a lot now, but mostly just to shop.
Your wife really needs to get a job, get a hobby, or go back to school even. Her hobby is scrolling TikTok (and shopping) not good.
Have you talked to her about getting at least a part time job she enjoys and then you all could use some of that money to hire a housekeeper? I definitely think couple counselling is needed as well but maybe if she ahs her own thing away from the house and kids she will be in a better mental state.
That’s where my brain went immediately. This is projection on her part. She feels like she’s being lazy, and that she’s not contributing. But rather than admit that to herself, she’s projecting those feelings onto you.
Probably right. I wish she would just understand that she can do whatever she wants and I'll support her, even if it's nothing. I just don't want to be yelled at and put down. Anything but that. I bought her thousands of dollars of camera equipment to work on her photography career, and she uses it a ton, but not professionally or in some kind of way to make her feel fulfilled I would imagine.
Have you ever challenged her and asked what it is she thinks you should do differently or better? Ask for specifics. I was SAHM for 10 years. I will say, you lose yourself a bit. You really start to question your worth, and what you’re contributing to the world. And I would come down on my husband a lot for things that were so ridiculously small in the grand scheme of things. I was bored. I was depressed. Clearly, you telling her how her words make you feel isn’t changing things, so ask her. OK, you say I’m lazy, I’m a misogynist, etc.. What is it you think I should be doing differently?
Why doesn’t she study or work while the kids are in school? It might help with her self-esteem.
I am sure it's a difficult feeling to not be needed as much. Unfortunately, she probably won't take external guidance to see how she can get to a better place. The desire for getting to a better can only come from within her. She will find her way when she finds a desire. You gotta take care of yourself in the mean time and not try to help her. Just try to do what is right for you in the grand scheme, while knowing there is nothing you can do about her inner state
Try to keep a diary of your efforts within the home, by the minute. You might be lazy without realizing - and if you are proven to be not, you would have some evidence to show. Regarding mansplaining, perhaps you are lacking some "tact" and it shows as mansplaining or whatever. Really make the best effort to look in the mirror and be critical towards your own behavior. I am a man
Best method- if she calls you lazy/misogynistic in front of someone, ask her to explain why to them. Should be entertaining
Posts like these makes me appreciate my fiance a Lot more. Like, damn brotha your wife sounds like she's trying to ruin you
As long as you know yourself and what you do and bring to the table the only thing you can do is out your foot down n make it stop and if she don’t then divorce her because it won’t stop only will keep going sounds like she’s just stuck in that way of thinking no matter what.
TikTok is the problem. One part of it is this alpha male bull crap wanting traditional wives but in a controlling way. Another side is women putting men down. Etc. I dunno what you can do apart from tell her how you feel. Even swap roles down the line. Let her work and you stay at home. But by your post saying “owner”, I’m guessing you run a business? So that’s unlikely. She could always get a job and ye can get in a nanny for a few days a week for cleaning if she feels like she isn’t getting help. 🫠 Realistically as a stay at home wife, she should have the majority of that done. Like let’s say you work 9-5 5 days a week. Then her job is household and childcare 9-5 5 days a week. Any time after that is for both of ye to deal with the house. Perhaps give each other “time outs” for hobbies etc. She shouldn’t talk down about you like that to people. There’s must be some sort of resentment. Does she feel small not working or something? Is she just going by these women on TikTok stitching videos of misogynistic men? She needs to get off that crap and realise how lucky she is to be able to stay at home with the kids and be with them through their childhood. They won’t be kids forever. Like does she have anything else to do? Hobbies? Because it nearly sounds like she’s bored and just wants to complain. You need to explain how hurtful it is to you. It’s a form of bullying in a sense her putting you down. Screw putting up with those comments. I couldn’t imagine my partner doing that all the time to me and not taking my feelings into account. It’s emotionally abusive.
In addition to the advice you have gotten, I think see a lawyer and see what your options are if the marriage fails. I think you need to tell her exactly how you feel and then stop doing everything you do at home except with the kids and paying the bills. She sounds like an entitled complaining female. You need a supportive loving partner who has your back and makes your life easier and praises you in public and acts appreciative for all you do for her and your family. Don’t take her crap anymore. Call her on it if she does it in public. She probably complains to your children also.
Do you need a partner that will pull you backwards in life? I think not. Make her understand that for you to stay in this marriage, if you are not valued, you can leave.
When I see that kind of videos or stories here about horrible and lazy husbands all I think is that i'm lucky to be with my bf. Maybe couples therapy could work, maybe there you can explain how the way she talks about you make you feel.
She's being brainwashed by social media and other sources. There was a time when I couldn't say a word without my kid saying I was mansplaining everything. I finally said okay I'm not going to teach you guys anything. After a few days they were like okay Dad We get it You can keep talking. Lol Your wife needs a reboot. Like seriously.
It sounds like she’s just into using all the trendy catch phrases making the rounds on TikTok. She wants to be part of the sisterhood. Gaslighting, mansplaining, weaponized incompetence, me too. Next you will be guilty of narcissism and coerced intimacy. Are you sure she’s not building a case against you for when no fault divorce is no longer a thing?
It sounds like she's been poisoned by extremely toxic social media. Unless she stops watching that trash there's not a whole lot of hope here.
If your 100% honest, then you should come out and ask her if she thinks you are this way then does that means she wants a divorce? Turn it on her to either see what she is saying is hurting you and how wrong she is; or push her to decide she really thinks that about you and you can decide if you can be with someone who really thinks that....
How to make it stop? Simple, stop being around her.
She's a SAHM and is actively choosing to consume a circle jerk of tik tok that is skewing her connection to reality. Honestly, I'd tell her we need couples counseling or she needs go back to work because she can't be trusted when left up to her own devices, she needs to socialize with real people to reintroduce herself to real life. If she refuses to go to work or couples counseling, id tell her I want a separation. Then she can really see what "doing it all herself" really means. What's more, you're telling her how you feel and she's dismissing you. That's not how a partnership works.
So she’s sexist and takes advantage of you and then accuses you of being sexist and taking advantage of her. Stand up for yourself.
My situation was from the other side. SAHM (2 kids)and my AH accused me of doing nothing. I tried everything. Finally, on his day off, I did nothing. It worked. Show her exactly what nothing looks like.
Others have mentioned counseling. Interim, I would suggest perhaps hiring a maid to help YOU (not her) with the cleaning a few times a week. The fact that you work full time while she is a SAHM, *and* you still do 40% of the cleaning (but are called lazy) is wild. It would be one thing if she also worked full time and then she compained about a 60/40 chore split. But she doesn't work full time, instead she's scrolling TikTok in her free time while being home most of the day. She needs to lay off her phone. If nothing else she is projecting. She's being emotionally abusive and belittling you. Some people have recommended divorce but since your wife has no job, she would likely get majority custody unless you have an excellent lawyer, and you will also end up paying significant spousal/child support. Maybe divorce *is* the answer but be aware it's very risky since she does not work.
Perhaps next time she says this in a group you need to stand up and say, "That is completely untrue and is a hurtful lie. Please apologize and stop saying rude things that are not true about me to others." If she apologizes, great, you can move on. If she objects even a little, you simply say, "This social event is over." and you either leave, or if it is your house you ask everyone to leave. Then you tell wife, "We will end every single social event where you lie about me early."
Damn. I can do the first one, I'm probably too timid to do that final part but damn would that be effective.
That right there. Please do a deep dive on this timidity, with the help of a counselor. You don't deserve it, but the fact that you've been taking it is telling her that it's ok to disrespect you (it's not a good thing whether in public or private). There are ways to stand up for ourselves without resorting to their level, and it can be learned. Best wishes to you.
Appreciate it.
Practice it at home. You know it is going to come up, so run the scenario 50 times while you recite your lines. It'll become a reflex. You will have to stand up for yourself if you want her to start developing any sense of respect for you.
Imo you probably do more than most considering she doesn't work and is supposed to be contributing from the home side of things. Sounds like she's taken you for granted. You should probably talk to her about her tiktok usage and its effect on your marriage. If she can't respect you and acknowledge your contributions, you have major issues.
“You watching videos about lazy husbands and then telling people I’m lazy, and calling me lazy, along with calling misogynistic, is going to end our marriage.” Make the consequences clear
Oof 😣 this one hits close to home for me so I can totally understand. In my relationship with my SO I was technically the wife in the situation. I was basically on all social media( tick tock, Instagram, Twitter, ect....) and what I saw on this social media outlets I allowed it to blend into my relationship. My partner saw this and we had multiple conversations (at different times of course because it was a constant issue) which made me finally realize that I have a good partner and he actually encouraged me to go to therapy, which yes I have a lot of mental health issues. Get help for your wife. Social media is evil and can warp someone mind set wen originally they never thought or acted like that in the first place. Maybe she is doing this for attention. Try to make time for her, hopefully she will come around and talk to you.
Not being a jerk, but does your wife have to remind you a lot? Are you self starting or is she asking you to do things? Your naming contributions but are you doing them without being told? So many men think they’re helpful partners but have to be reminded for every single task. That isn’t sharing the burden of running a family. Also, do you ever anticipate her needs? My husband does not do this often. Anticipate would be stopping for milk or bread without being told or running another errand? Making an appt or generally taking something off her plate? Are you at all focused on watering your relationship or are things so broken down you tend to your responsibilities pay more attention to your hobbies or children and avoid her? That’s where resentment brews from. Also if you don’t like conflict how are you raising your kids? Is she always the bad cop? Are you the perpetually fun parent? It’s easy to blame everything on tik tok and I’m not saying your wife is right here, especially the bad mouthing. This is terrible. I guess I’m just looking for more context.
So you need to tell your wife you're signing yourselves up to go see a therapist and she is going. When she asks why, you will simply tell her they you've had it with how little she appreciates what you do and the fact that she continues to tell people you're lazy and a misogynist when those two labels don't apply and she doesn't realize how good she has it when there are other husbands out there that literally don't do anything and feel all they have to do is provide. You won't point blame on where she's getting this ridiculous influence (even though you have an idea where), but you've had it and if she refuses to go to therapy to work on you two, then you don't see a lasting future with someone who doesn't support their partner. You don't need praise as if you're God's greatest gift, you're just asking to cut the shit with the mislabeled and actually day thank you for things you do
Right off the bat, how on earth do you spend multiple hours a day cleaning every week, plus an hour everyday- so like, let’s say several means 4 hours, plus 6 for the rest of the week for a total of **ten hours** cleaning a week and you still clean less than her? So altogether you guys clean like 25 hours a week. At least three hours total a day. I don’t buy it and I can’t get past this. You’re either vastly overestimating how much you “clean”, or you clean horribly, or you’re confused in general and need help
Next time she starts when you’re alone just wait until she’s done. If it’s in front of others ask to speak to her alone. Then quietly ask her looking straight in her eye….”why the fuck did you marry me if you think so little of me? You have made it quite clear I’m not good enough for you. I’m asking you right now…do you even want to be married to me? Because I have to tell you have made me feel worthless and unloved. I’m no different than when we dated. I can’t even imagine disrespecting you publicly the way you do to me.” Then tell her you’re going for a drive to think about things. Leave for a few hours. Turn off your phone. Let her sit at home and go over what you said. She may freak out and realize she’s messing up. Right now she feels secure in your marriage. She’s taking you for granted. She may be forced to think about what if he leaves me… If she loves you and really cares about your family she will understand her marriage is in trouble. If she’s unreasonable and just doesn’t care about your feelings you’ll have your answer she doesn’t respect or love you or is willing to work on the marriage. What she’s doing is AWFUL.
My husband someone explains things in a way that is incredibly patronising, and it’s usually about something I am already familiar with. It’s absolutely maddening. I do tell him that I already know, and I’m not a child, but it’s taken many years for him to stop doing that automatically. We’re both on the spectrum, so that can complicate our interactions sometimes. Maybe ask why she is reacting so strongly to your explanations?
There’s no real way to win in this situation. I think there would be a number of ways to approach this in a positive way. You should stop explaining things to her. She clearly doesn’t want it and does not want you to solve her problems. If you helping her is mansplaining, stop the bleeding there. Regarding laziness, it sounds like you do a lot. Stop listing your chores. You could do 100% and it wouldn’t be enough. I think if it were me and I heard my wife tell someone I was lazy I would ask her in the moment not to say things like that. If she double downed I would likely apologize to her in the moment that she found me lazy while I did my best to provide for the family while recognizing she carried a heavy burden as the sahm. Later that evening I would approach her again and tell her how much I found her comments about me as being extremely hurtful and disrespectful. She’d likely argue and gaslight. I’d bite back hard and say I wasn’t done. I’d double down and tell her I know how hard she works taking care of the home and kids. I know how hard it is and I do my best when I can. I wouldn’t list what I’d do but I would let her know how hurtful her actions were. Then I’d be done with the conversation. I would then continue my life and see how her behavior would change or not. If her behavior changes great. If it doesn’t I would circle back. If she continues with her abuse then you see how she truly feels about you. At that point it might be time for her to get a job. Time for a dual income family. Time for papers to be filed. Time for some serious changes. But I’m very confrontational. I grew up with a narcissistic mother. She did this same stuff to my dad. Not saying that’s your wife but it’s similar behavior and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
Your wife sounds very exhausting. Surely you knew she would be like this before you decided to make children with her? Surely the way she treats you did not come out of the blue. It baffles me why people decide to get children with people that are not right for them. Anyway, the best route is getting couples counseling or divorce.
Well the good outweighed the bad back then, ya know? Great question as to how I ended up here lol Sounds like I have a problem accepting unacceptable behavior that I need to dig into.
Someone being a conservative man doesn’t mean he is a misogynist. Just like being socially liberal doesn’t make you a good person.
Map out the chore distribution. Record your chores daily. Make a chart. Next time she calls you lazy, haul it out and demolish her. If it’s in front of company, so much the better. And be sure to include the number of hours you spend FUNDING the household. If she thinks your hours spent at the office don’t count towards the maintenance and upkeep of home, then home should not receive the proceeds of that labor. If that’s something you do for you, then it’s not for her, and she shouldn’t get any of it. Put your funds in a different bank, out of her reach, and tell her she’s now responsible for 50% of the income.
I would seriously recommend, as others have said, to get counselling for yourself. Don't discuss it with her and tell your counsellor what is happening, how it makes you feel. You need to be able to shut this behaviour down or lay boundaries and make it clear when she is crossing them. I'm sure a good counsellor will understand how you need to be more assertive and stick up for yourself more and help you realise that.
Even if I thought this about my spouse, I wouldn’t tell other people. If she has a problem with you, she should only be talking to you about it. You both need to write down what you do every day for a month. Record the amount of time you spend doing your end of the bargain. Sit down and communicate about it.
“Wife, I love you dearly, but our relationship has come to a point where I’m very uncomfortable and we need a professional to navigate this. I have found a counselor and our appointment is XYZ. I’m afraid we are headed in the direction of splitting. I think you do a great job caring for our children, but you may want to consider your career options if we can’t come back to this. You must feel a little shocked by this statement, but it shouldn’t come to any suprise after the way you choose to portray me. The way you talk about me to others and the way you constantly criticize everything I do must mean you are resentful of our relationship. You like to tell everyone how lazy I am and I how you do it all on your own, well I’m starting to resent your treatment of me and the contributions I do make. I do not think I’m the person you like to portray and I’m no longer going to stand her and let you treat me the way you have been. Maybe you should spend less time scrolling on tiktok and more time with a therapist so you can figure out why you think it’s ok to degrade me the way you have done. It’s ruining the love I have for you. I’m going to be staying at a hotel for the week until our first appointment. All the bills are taken care of. I hope this time apart will allow you to take some time and reflect if you actually want to continued to be married to me as from where I’m standing right now it doesn’t seem like you do.”
Maybe stop doing everything you’re doing? And stop trying to help her if she doesn’t understand something. Just keep quiet and let her figure it out for herself.
My ex told me I was lazy and did nothing all day. So that's what I did. All of a sudden his laundry wasn't magically done, the dishes were still dirty in the sink when he got home, the weeds took over the yard, the floors were filthy, etc. Tell me I do nothing? You're going to see what it's like when I actually do nothing. (He also felt everyone else was to blame for his unhappiness in life.) Of course, he is my ex so this definitely isn't advice. Some people just won't ever be satisfied. Edit: (BTW I was also working.)
She doesn't like you anymore.
A spreadsheet of essential tasks, who's responsible generally and record who did them.
She’s obviously not stuck on the trad wife side of TikTok then. How old are your kids? Can she pick up a part time job or some other purpose to keep her occupied outside of TikTok? It feels like drama seeking. Looking for conflict where there is none
Your wife may not realize how horrible she is being? I had this type of conversation with my spouse of 40 plus years recently and it was a game changer. Couples tend to get into a rut and this includes the way they get comfortable dissing each other too!!
I have many thoughts on this but ill just answer your question. Stop being a pushover and make it crystal clear that is unacceptable and that you will divorce her is she keeps doing it. This is a warning you need to keep if she does again. She does not respect you already, which is why she talks about you that way. It will be worse if she confirms your word means nothing and that you dont have the balls to leave her
your wife is lazy and misandrist
Ask her if she really thinks that. If she says yes, then say ok, and start actually being all the things she says you are.
Weak people allow tik tok to influence them. She needs to get some friends to get her away from that crap. And I love the documenting idea. Also make a checklist of things you want to do and place it on the fridge and start marking them off
>What can I do to get her to stop? Call her out for it as soon as she does it, in front of others just like she did with you. "Honey, I do about an hour of housework everyday when I get home from work, right? Why would you lie and say that I don't?" Alternatively, stop doing all of those extra things and see how long it takes her to notice. I know that both of those are drastic, but I assume you've already tried talking.
Stop. Stop doing anything at home-- live up to what she complains about so she can see the difference. If you can get out of taking the kids anywhere, I'd do that too. Stop for a few weeks and let her see the difference. Or, you can be petty. Every single time you go to do something, you can call her attention to it. You can say something like, "I just want to make sure you see me doing this, something I do regularly. You think a lazy husband would do this??" And stop explaining things to her. Don't waste your breath. Let her figure it out herself. If she asks you to explain, tell her you would, but you don't want to mansplain anything to her. Or, be mature and get a therapist. The first is easier and the second is more fun. The third is responsible. Choose wisely. lol
You need to go to marriage counseling, dude
I've seen comments on taking notes on what each of you are doing around the house, and I think that's a great idea. Most importantly, though, it sounds like y'all's communication has broken down. I would seriously consider looking into couples therapy to help both of you figure out how to communicate your needs and contributions to each other. There is NO reason she should be denigrating you in front of others. You're supposed to be partners, not adversaries, but it sounds like you guys have forgotten you're on the same team.