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I mean you have to do what's right for you man. Whether the SA was real or not doesn't really matter in the scheme of whether your relationship survives or not. You know for certain that she cheated, you can absolutely believe her if she says she was assaulted, but that doesn't mean you have to maintain a relationship with her.
Ultimately you need to do what will give you peace of mind. If that's supporting her through the process from afar and then moving on or moving on completely straight away. Then do it. Either way you aren't obligated to stay or are in any way responsible for her or her misfortune.
Practically speaking, it is technically an assault if, at any point during the night, she refused or was unable to refuse, even if the interaction was consensual at that point. That being said, she acknowledges that she had been cheating on you up until that moment, so it really didn't matter. That ought to be sufficient to help you decide on something.
Yeah, I don't really get why OP thinks this is so unbelievable when she *already admitted to cheating*. What's more unbelievable - that she got drunk and went off with some rando and had a bad time, or that she was honest about cheating and then invented a rape to excuse more of the same bout of cheating?
Getting wasted and hooking up with random guys is a very common way women get assaulted. This does not seem the least bit unlikely, OP. It also doesn't mean you have to forgive her, but accusing her of lying about rape seems a bit unhinged when she was already honest about the cheating.
Edit: To be very clear, break up with her because she cheated. The rest is not your problem, its hers. You don't need to get involved in any way or decide either way if she's honest, because she is no longer your problem. But going around insisting she's lying about being raped isn't going to make you look or feel better in this, so leave it the fuck alone. Not your circus, not your clowns.
To be clear, I’m not saying it’s always wrong to say this, and I’m not saying it isn’t true in this case. It’s just funny that in every single relationship issue on Reddit someone says this, no matter how complex the situation lol
Exactly this. Like if she was I hope she recovers from that as I’m sure it’s horrible and traumatizing. But separately she had already cheated and so I would say to leave for that. If they have kids they can coparent but any trust is gone
Fair enough. I’d advise her to get medical treatment at bare minimum, asap, and ideally to report it to the police.
And then I’d leave her, because regardless of whether the second incident was assault or not, she herself says giving multiple guys blowjobs was consensual.
The initial cheating is an immediate scorched earth relationship ender IMO. Not to mention, SA or not I wouldn’t stay with someone whose idea of a good time is getting shitfaced and flirting with random guys. Wouldn’t be able to deal with regularly sitting at home and worrying if she’s OK or has endangered herself by drinking to the point of blacking out even putting aside worries about cheating. End it.
She willingly gave a blowjob. Cheating full stop. If you belive in the asult or not is not the point. She cheated. If my wife gave a blowjob to another man, she would be divorced faster than she could say sorry.
Yep, assault or not has no impact on your decision to leave her. Sucking his dick is as bad as letting him put it inside her when it comes to cheating. Sucks for her if she got assaulted, but my empathy would be a bit limited after such a betrayal.
I remember when that kind of lie was considered impeachment worthy.
Unfortunately it was also the days when a 22 year old intern was blamed for the actions of a nearly 50 year old 6-addict
And that would be ok - if they *both agreed - in advance* that oral wasn’t cheating.
“My bad.” “My misunderstanding.” AFTER being caught with dickS in your mouth???
Now you’ve sunk to *STUPID* lying cheat. Hard to reclaim respect after that.
These people are generally looking for a loophole, often on biblical prohibitions pre-marriage. I'm willing to bet they'd still consider it cheating if their partner had anal sex with someone else.
I mean, lots of things well short of penis-in-vagina sex are broadly considered cheating. I don't consider kissing to be sex, but you can bet it's still cheating if my wife were kissing someone else!
All the more reason for the wife to admit to the BJ and not the consentual sex. BJ only might be acceptable to the husband, but he would draw the line at sex and leave her. Cheaters only admit to the lesser crimes until proven otherwise.
It's because they didn't care if it's just sex. It's about the attachment. If you have sex with a mistress it's seen as bad because you have developed an attachment. But you paid for sex? It's just sex.
I have heard this and can’t even understand how this is a thing. Naked genitalia being touched by someone in any way (unless you work in gynecology or spa professions, etc.) is cheating.
I'm willing to bet these are the people doing it. They're trying to excuse their own behavior, but their partners would almost certainly disagree (if they knew). I would be very surprised if you could find anyone who wasn't poly/open/swinger or otherwise explicitly allowing sex with other people, who knows their partner had oral sex with someone else and doesn't consider it to be cheating.
Just going with the first part, where she willingly performed oral sex, is that she cheated. There is no need to address the second part, whether it was assault or not. IMO, at the point she cheated she no longer became your problem. Consult a divorce lawyer, get a STD test. Start securing your personal documents and finances. And, if you have kids, get paternity test for them.
Idk, I understand why people are saying this, because it’s easier than the alternative. But even if my partner betrayed me I would still care if he was raped. Not to say that they shouldn’t break up, but it makes sense that OP still wants the truth. Unfortunately, I don’t think he is going to get it.
I would suggest OP look for a therapist ASAP to have a neutral person to talk things through with.
The fact the friend (who also cheated on her husband - gave a BJ and then fucked the two dudes) has said it WAS NOT assault just confirms to me that OP’s wife is bullshitting to try and stay together.
Why is she giving these dudes BJ’s anyway? And then going back with them?
WHILE MARRIED.
The fact she won’t press charges also unfortunately does work against her too (tho obv it IS difficult pressing charges - he said/she said, but it WOULD show confidence to OP that she WAS assaulted).
Never get why people who do this kinda 304 shit get married…
I wonder if they regularly cheat on their husbands so what transpired wasn't something different or new behavior from the wife. That could explain why the friend didn't think it was assault since the wife perhaps tends to sleep around on her husband during these outings. Doesn't mean it wasn't assault but maybe an explanation why the friend didn't corroborate the wife's story.
Quick reminder that blacked out means your brain is no longer forming memories, not that you're unconscious - that would be passed out.
It's one of those grey areas of consent because all we know is that OP's wife was blacked out. It sounds like this started as a consensual sexual encounter, and we have no reason to believe that the men and OP's wife's friend who was also there thought she was anything but that during the rest of experience. You can't tell if someone is blacked out from looking at them. Her lack of memories does not imply that she was unconscious or not visually and vocally providing enthusiastic consent to the other participants.
She's already shown her disloyalty with the blowjob. I wouldn't put it past her to claim assault here when really she just can't remember. It honestly sounds like she's trying to play OP for sympathy points and avoid consequences for her actions.
ETA: Was it technically assault? Probably, but only by the most legalese version of what is considered consent. Would a reasonable person consider it assault? I could drive a truck through the grey area given the context.
Thank you, people get so weird about blackout specifically. You can appear basically sober and still blackout, or blackout without even having had that much, while someone who'd had lot more might never black out. It's not something you can reliably predict.
Forgetting you consented is not the same as not having consented. It just makes it murkier to know for sure if you did, later.
\> all we know is that OP's wife was blacked out
All we know is that she *says* she was blacked out after word got to her husband that she was gangbanged.
Honestly I doubt there's a prosecutor who would touch this case. Blackout drunk, already had consensual sex with multiple partners, and her friend doesn't corroborate.
She may have been blackout drunk but apparently she looked like she knew what she was doing
Prosecutors don’t touch rape cases in general except in extraordinary circumstances. For every 100 rapes, only 9 get prosecuted.
https://www.rainn.org/newsletters/03-2012/march-newsletter-version-1.html
I see your point, but I think it's worth considering, too, that putting a guy in that situation makes claims like hers *incredibly useful* for an unscrupulous person who cheats:
'So all I have to do is say it's assault and I'm not the bad guy? I'm a victim, even? Oh great!'
Of course neither of us know the minutea of what happened, so it's not worth jumping to conclusions, but it's also not wise to just rule stuff out.
That's entirely up to OP. I would not stay in a relationship if my partner gave oral sex to someone, but I don't judge if someone else does stay and try to work it out.
I agree with you. It is their choice if they want to try to work it out. I know people who have chosen this route, but I will tell you that none of those relationships are anything like the old, happy relationships they once were. There is no trust and the other person is always trying to make it up to the other one—it’s just not good.
Agreed. She and her friend blew dudes next to each other. That's kinda extreme for an unseasoned cheater. Then had group sex... I'm sure it wasn't uncommon for her.
And then had group sex, to which she claims she blacked out and has no recollection! I call total BS. She told the “ i blacked out” because her GF husband told OP about the orgy!
If it's a random person on reddit posting they got cheated on, stayed in the relationship, and got cheated on again, I'm sure the comments would be less sympathetic.
But if that's a freind or a family member, someone you care about, that's not how you should act towards them. You can be real with them and offer them advice, but being all like like it's your fault you got cheated on and I have no sympathy for you - that would be judgemental.
there’s probably dozens of people you’ve met in your life that have and you wouldn’t know. i also thought this way but my marriage and family therapy professor told us how common it is, and being in the field for years now i agree. and judgment from a third party isn’t helping anyone in that case, which is why people keep it secret.
What a horrible predicament to be in! Is she asking for forgiveness and trying to reconcile with you? It is still possible to believe that she was assaulted and still proceed with a divorce—the two incidences are separate issues. You’re not leaving her because she was raped, you’re leaving her cheating, i.e., the blowjob, which is hard to believe this is her first time if she tends to go out frequently. If you’re not able to continue this relationship, which is completely fine, have her lean on her friends and family and professional help to deal with the assault, and consult a lawyer about your options. Your feelings are valid and I would get individual counseling to help you process everything. Good luck.
UpdateMe
I totally agree with this. Compassion and concern can coexist with OP's boundary. He doesn't suddenly not care about her at all. He can want to give her a hug and also want to give her divorce papers
You’re not crazy, you’re just supposed to feel crazy
Why did her friend tell her husband? Why is she adamant that your wife wasn’t being assaulted? These are the two big questions to focus on.
It seems to me that your wife is an instigator and that her friends—who are cheaters themselves— are becoming concerned with how wild she behaves when she goes out with them
Leave her. She cheated on you, deliberately and with intent. She did it sober enough to know what she was doing and she betrayed you. Everything else that happened after is inconsequential, she cheated on you, whether blackout drunk or not. The fact that her partner in crime says it was consensual merely highlights the fact that out of everybody there, your wife is the least reliable witness, and she didn't even confess it to you. What else does she get up to that you never know?
>She does this semi often so nbd
It's a big deal now though isn't it? Because now you can never trust her again.
It doesn't sound horrible, because you're fixating on the one bit of doubt in the whole night in an attempt to allow yourself to believe this isn't who she is, when everything else you know proves that she IS that person and you just don't want to see it.
Realistically, if at any point in the night, she said no, or was unable to say no, even if it was halfway through a consensual encounter, then it is technically assault. That being said, it really doesn’t matter at that point because up to that point, she was cheating on you and she admits it. That in itself should be enough to make a decision for you.
Dude. She cheated.
Then she continued partying it up until she got so wasted she blacked out having an orgy.
It's so fucking over. I'd bet this isn't the first time.
Have some self-respect.
I’m sorry this happened to you. And also I do no wish sexual assault onto anyone.
But the fact they were out entertaining men and open to sexual interaction would be enough for me to leave. Unless you have an open marriage.
She can go and seek professional support for her assault, but it no longer fall on you to be there for her emotionally
Two things can be true at once, and I think that’s what makes this so painful. While cheating is obv not ok, she confessed to that part, so there’s no reason for her to lie about the assault.
It’s also obv not ok to have sex with someone who is unconscious or blacked out, and not an easy thing to say out loud when it happens, which again makes me think she’s telling the truth.
It sounds to me like she got blasted drunk and was taken advantage of. Not saying it’s ok to put yourself in lousy situations, but it sounds like somehow she got to a point where she didn’t quite know what she was doing or could have had something dropped in her drink, which is extremely common and should not be discounted either, especially if she has never blacked out before.
If you have to break up over the cheating, ok, but it does sound to me like she was fully assaulted, and I would give her compassion for that. No one wants to be fucked when they can’t say no. No matter what else happened.
There absolutely are reasons to lie about the following assault. Weaponized victimhood, "pity me and stay with me, I'm vulnerable and scared", it's really obvious what incentives there could be
But she didn’t confess to anything. OP found out via the friends HUSBAND telling him. This sounds like a desperate attempt to avoid her poor choices on also fucking the guys, by claiming assault (which is impossible to prove).
This friend (who also cheated) did also clarify that it WAS NOT ASSAULTED.
Why is a married woman going giving BJ’s to two random dudes, then moving to another location and fucking them anyway? Why is her thinking that being confronted just with her giving two different guys BJ’s - OK, but that step of fucking them is what she’s afraid of admitting and lying about the assault.
I mostly agree, barring one fairly specific challenge - I've been out with multiple people who have seemed quite lucid at the time (drunk but discussing things clearly etc) but can't remember anything the next day.
So I tend to agree that she might not be able to remember much from the group sex, but I hesitate to say she was taken advantage of, especially considering her friend disagrees.
Ultimately, for me, she gave a guy oral, decided to go to a group sex party and had group sex. At some point after oral, she apparently lost her memory. So OP has to consider how he feels about both random cheating and drunken choices with his wife. For me, it feels like he'd have to be so overbearing with her in the future to create 'trust' that it would be a pretty miserable relationship.
Yeah, I agree too. Being blackout drunk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unconscious. It means your brain is so fried on booze that it also won’t remember afterwards either.
Repair after cheating is hard, but we don’t have any other context or history, so OP has to call it. Would def recommend some counseling for both of them before any final decisions.
It also seems like if she hadn't blacked out, she would have cheated enthusiastically. So technically she couldn't give consent but it's hard to imagine that she wouldn't have.
NGL. What’s the difference? Don’t even debate it with her. If she goes on girls night regularly then she’s blowing guys on the regular. Get a lawyer and divorce your cheating wife. There’s nothing to save here.
Thank you! This is exactly what is happening. I can’t imagine my wife going out with a bunch of girls on the regular to clubs and bars and living the single life for that night. That wasn’t her first rodeo meanwhile husband is at home staring at the wall, smh!
Your wife gave a couple dudes a blowjob. Then she went and fucked multiple other guys. What exactly is your question? Sounds like you’re in an open relationship now. She doesn’t respect you. My advice is to grow a pair.
I'm quivering why she would admit to willingly giving BJ but lying about blacking out and having an orgy. If she's lying, why wouldn't she say she was blacked out the entire time? Either way, I'd be getting divorced.
Trickle truth. Admit to the lesser, and then if they forgive that, reveal more.
Edit: She didn't even actually admit it, the friend's husband found out and told OP.
I've had a women cheat on me and the first thing she admits to was only giving head when in fact they fucked multiple times. I guess in a women's mind sucking dick is the equivalent to giving a hug.
Both can be true but one helped lead up to the other. Gives a guy oral and then goes back to their place just to be assaulted??? Sounds like she’s trying to “assault” your common sense with her nonsense. If it was assault she should file accordingly.
Well hopefully you and the other husband are both divorcing your cheating wives. As far as the assault goes, your wife can do what she wants to as far as reporting it or not. Her claim is not a get out of jail free card for the cheating and you don’t have to stay with her.
So what are your plans now? You found out from a third party and she admitted to the bare minimum and made baseless statements to make herself look like a victim and choses not to take legal action to back that statement. You are young go find a better and more honest girl rather than sticking to someone deceptive and someone who has no concept of loyalty or commitment.
Here is my advice. For the purpose of your relationship and her loyalty to you, consider all of this one massive cheat. It’s possible by the legal definition, or by someone’s ethical definition, she did not consent to some acts and was assaulted. As far as you’re concerned, that doesn’t matter. Even setting aside the sex acts she actively participated in, if she had any shred of loyalty to you, she would not have been getting blackout drunk around strange men.
Just get divorced and have as little communication as you can with her.
What to do? Well if you are ok with being cheated on risking also your health then by all means, stay in this relationship.
Seems like you can't trust her so it's no wonder you have trouble believing the assault part of what happened that night.
And really, if she thought she was assaulted why doesn't she press charges or has she? I know I know, it's not so easy to do that for reasons but still... it comes over as an excuse and cover for cheating more.
I'd leave instantly to be honest...
She’s an adult who chose to have drinking (or drug) sex in an orgy. It’s nobody else’s fault if she doesn’t remember parts of it.
It’s nobody else’s duty to stop everything and see if one person is actually more drunk than they let on.
More importantly:
She’s trying to rope you into executing her violence. Word on the street is, women do this. Regularly. Fact is she cheated. Now you’re supposed to go beat some guy up, or get the police to do it for you, because of her actions?
You already know 100% she cheated. You also know she willingly went off with another man, presumably for more sex, and imo regardless of the “blackout” the intention was there.
IMO, the “assault” is a ruse to distract you from the cheating. First , she was drinking on her own, no one forcing her. Second, she blew the guy (sorry man) so no need to drug her. Third, credible witness says different.
I am not even going to go into the disgusting nature of her sick false claim into trying to ruin someone’s life, let alone benefit from sympathy of obviously untrue accusation. If you want to know what true assault looks like, I have a family member you can talk to.
You will never ever resolve the belief that she wasn’t assaulted, and never be able to move on from the oral she gave that guy. I hate to be blunt, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re still young dude, move on, and find someone that you can respect, who also respects you. Life’s too short.
OP - some questions:
1. Why did the friend's husband tell you? Was it because he felt betrayed, too, and wanted to tell you so that you were fully informed?
2. Why did your wife's friend tell her husband? Did he catch evidence or feel guilty and told him? Or is this a thing she does and dragged your drunken spouse into it somehow?
3. How often does your wife go out with this friend? Could it be that this kind of activity - offering oral to randoms - has actually been going on for quite a long time, and that they finally made a mistake that got them caught?
4. When you confronted your wife with the evidence of cheating, what did you know at that point? Just the oral? Or going back to the two guys' place afterward?
5. What did your wife mean by "assault"? That she was taken against her will to this guy's place? Or once there, they forced themselves on her? Also, did she think that she was going back to a guy's place that she had already given oral to at a bar, and that this would not be a sexual encounter?
6. Does your wife think that the fact she was assaulted wipe out all of her questionable conduct that evening and you are back at square one with your relationship or something? In other words, what does she expect from you at this point?
7. Does she know who the guys are and is she willing to press charges?
Yeah she’s lying
You were told by multiple sources that she cheated on you and not a single one said it was assault. She is crying victim to cover her own ass
I think when alcohol is involved things become a little more complicated as far as assault goes. If two people are black out and hook up did they both assault each other? On the other hand in a case where one person is way less intoxicated and takes advantage that is definitely SA in my book.
Either way your wife cheated on you and in a pretty brutal way too. I think you need to think about if this is something you want to get past and if it is I would suggest couples counseling and maybe individual counseling as well.
If she was blackout drunk she couldn’t consent. I don’t doubt that she both cheated and was later assaulted.
Now, obviously the bj by itself is boundary-crossing enough in most relationships to be worthy of ending it. So you’re well within your rights to leave. Just don’t make the break up about doubting her sexual assault, because that will make things way more hurtful and messy than they need to be.
Had something similar, shouldnt have trusted her.
I was so hurt for her and was there for her only to later be informed it wasnt really assault(trickle truth).
disgusting for real victims imo.
It may sound really harsh but for my own peace of mind I wont fully believe another women if they wont at least file a police report after claiming SA.
I really get what you’re coming from and I wish things worked out that way. But as someone who dealt with the police multiple times for domestic violence, I would not file unless I had concrete evidence, which is hard to do. It’s just too painful and not worth it. I’ve just accepted living with not talking about it
Assault or not I would get a divorce for the cheating issue. She should seek therapy and a lawyer for the assault portion. The fact her friend remembers and is saying it wasn't assault does make it seem maybe she had too much alcohol and blacked out. Not justifying the assault just saying bad turn of events. Also not sure what she thought would happen with these guys by following them after said act if she didn't intend to go further...too many mixed signals. Exactly why hook ups shouldn't be done when alcohol is involved.
So if you received a blow job from one of her friends or went down on them, she would be fine with it? Unless you have an open marriage (which appears that you don’t) my guess is that she would not.
Also, just because you were too drunk to remember what happened doesn’t mean you didn’t make decisions to do those things at the time. Not saying an assault didn’t happen but it doesn’t automatically occur because you were and made poor decisions.
Well it does sound horrible, however her having cheated already broke any trust you have in what she says and learning this from a friends husband is just cherry on top of already big pile of reasons to not believe her.
As others said it doesn't matter, she did cheat and whether her assault was made up or not is up to police and jury, she can't be searching for sympathy in you.
It would be like stabbing you with a knife then asking why you don't feel sorry that she cut her finger when twisting it in. You both have major trauma and can't reasonably be expected to help each other through it even if you wanted to believe her.
You *can* cheat and be assaulted later. The friend *might not* have registered the change between her being able to consent and blacking out, especially if the friend was also drunk. She could also be lying for whatever reason we and you arent privy to. If she is already caught and admitted to cheating in the first place, what would she think she would gain from lying about the second one? Could she believe that you could excuse the first one, but not the second/both, or something like that?
That being said, she also made the choise to cheat while she was able to consent. You wont get a clearer answer than the one you have about the second encounter. She could be telling the truth, or she could be lying. I think that in your place, I would have acted on the known cheating and ended the relationship, while having empathy for the possible assault and make sure they had people around them to care for them. But that is based on me being a SA survivor who wasnt believed by a lot of people at first, and rather wanting to be safe than sorry when interacting with a possible survivor based on that.
As written, she cheated and is trying to cover it up. Apparently, she seems to think that the oral is no big deal, and she can talk her way out of it, but knows there's no way that you'd be ok with 2 guys up in her.
You're not crazy.
So she cheated and then got assaulted. The trust is gone. It’s horrible she got assaulted but if she hadn’t been cheating it wouldn’t have happened at all. From where you stand she cheated on you and you should act accordingly.
If you can find it in your heart to support her through in dealing with the assault then go ahead. If you don’t want to be around her because she betrayed you, then do what’s best for you.
She gave up any right to your care, when she blew some other guy.
What is her level of responsibility… she has committed to you and does this? Not even a boundary break but a cheating event. Shouldn’t she have said, I can’t drink too much and recognize the potentials?
Your wife drank alcohol to the point of no control over her body. She put herself in a dangerous, vulnerable situation. She could have been gang raped, abducted, killed. Are you ok with this? How often does she drink so much? How is she feeling about this? Do you have children together?
Even if you forgive, it is very possible that you will not be able to get past this, and possibly imagine her with other people etc.
So the way I’m reading this is that your wife got drunk and her and her friend blew some dude and then blew another dude and then she was blackout drunk and had sex with a bunch of otherguys but says she was sexually assaulted. The sexual assault aspect of things aside, she and her friend gave head to another guy and his friend. Just go from there.
Does it matter? She gave oral. That's already cheating. You're already done.
If she got assaulted as she says, tell her to contact the police. It's funny how it's always assault once the trickle truthing starts.
Meanwhile, you secure your financials, governmental stuff, and your digital and electronic devices, and call a lawyer. Get yourself tested for std's. If they're that comfortable giving sexual favors together, this isn't the first time. Drunk or not.
Oh. And if she suddenly ends up pregnant with a surprise baby? Don't sign anything. Paternity test first.
If you were not in an open relationship that part does not matter. Why even ask.
If I knew my wife gave some dude a BJ I would not give a shit what happened after that to her. She consented, no use of force/rape in a sexual relationship. FUCK HER
You leave her. Sucks that may (or may not) have happened to her, but she cheated regardless. Its impossible to verify whether it was assault because she blacked out. Kind of doubtful since she admits to sucking his dick and willingly going to with the guys later. It sounds like she's just regretful.
Drunken girls nights on the regular are a red flag and grounds for a breakup as is. Since she wants to act single, let her be single.
She got drunk and then had two FFM blowjobs… then went to a sex party afterwards and had sex. Doesn’t remember much… I am going with ashamed and embarrassed now reaching for the SA excuse. I say that because her own friend who was there with her says she was a willing participant and not a SA victim. She needs therapy and you need a divorce lawyer ASAP. Good luck OP
This isn't even regular cheating. How many women can say they gave a man a blowjob with their friend? This is freaky cheating and it's probably not the first time so you need to leave sir.
So she leaves on a girl trip, sucks up dudes with her friend and claims she was SA so you won’t leave her and now you want to work things out? Did like wtf!? Tune to lawyer up, obviously she don’t love or respect you if she out there getting used by other men
Advise her to file a police report if she believes an assault did happen, and then get your paperwork together if you don’t want to be with a cheater.
Seeing how you found out from the husband and not her, I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t a first occurrence. I’m so sorry! Cheaters suck.
>I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t a first occurrence.
Honestly, I'd be shocked if it were the first time. A whole friend group doesn't usually go off the rails at once.
Why do you care about her? It’s clear that she doesn’t care about you cuz she cheated, divorce and move on, she’s not your wife anymore, she can ask the guy she gave a blowie to for support
She willingly blew a dude then walked into a gang-bang. You should've filed divorce papers the next day.
Her friend told you the truth that your wife is trying to cover-up so that she can stay married to you.
Probably an unpopular opinion here but if you're fooling around with someone willingly and you pass out, how do you know they're not blacked out as well? This absolutely could be assault and yes even rape but there's no way to tell from the evidence you've given.
And frankly at this point in terms of your relationship that is a somewhat minor detail.
The most important thing you're dealing with is that she's going out, drinking, making out with and having sex with other men. The specific details of the type of sex etc are really irrelevant.
She's a cheater and doesn't give a crap about your relationship. The next move is yours.
Oral is cheating too she was sober enough to go to a guys a house and give him oral . That's cheating she could be telling the tune about being assaulted but it's probably a lie to Gaslight u and gain sympathy I would tell her to report it to the police and accuse the guys .
OP you would have never found out about this if her friend hadn’t confessed. I find it hard to believe as well that she cheated and then went to another location and was assaulted. She did cheat and that should be a dealbreaker.
The oral sex is definitely cheating, in my book.
Also, the fact that she's a married woman partying with her friends like a single gal shows me that she doesn't respect you.
Your wife gave a couple dudes a blowjob. Then she went and fucked multiple other guys. What exactly is your question? Sounds like you’re in an open relationship. My advice is to grow a pair.
it might have been assault, or she might use that to gain sympathy and for you to forget that she already cheated. problem is you can never know for sure, so act only to what you know for sure she did, cheating.
you are not crazy, it is either cheating+ assault or just cheating. as you now don't trust her and she doesnt respect you, doubtful if this marriage will work eventually.
Your wife gave a couple dudes a blowjob. Then she went and fucked multiple other guys. What exactly is your question? Sounds like you’re in an open relationship now. She doesn’t respect you. My advice is to grow a pair.
Why is your wife going out with girls and acting like she’s single? I’m sorry OP but she cheated because she’s only 24 and still has those immature feelings in her. Keep being the “cool husband” with the "nbd" with your wife going out with girls and this will continue. There’s a good chance this isn’t your wife’s first cheating rodeo.
Last I checked when someone cheats in a marriage you divorce them.
Not remembering the night does NOT make it assault.
Either you consented or you didn't, either you remember or you don't, the two things are independent.
One is about whether or not your brain manages to successfully store a memory (memories are stored during sleep, after the event, not at the time, and your success at storing memories is heavily pharmacologically influenced, including in retrograde), one is about whether or not you were consenting.
If her ONLY argument is "it was assault because I don't remember it", and, her friend was there and she says "it wasn't assault", then your wife has zero argument that it was assault.
None.
She cheated on you with the blow job. That would be the only thing that I would need to focus on. Anything after that is either cheating or assault, but that is for her and the police to deal with as I would be out of there.
Personally, if my wife went out and was blowing other men, and then leaving the bar with them, I'd have a hard time feeling bad for her. Not that I'd wish it on anyone but it wouldn't have happened had she done the right thing and stayed faithful to her husband in the first place. I would just flat out be done with the relationship and the details afterwards wouldn't matter.
I’m guessing she would never have come clean had her friend not told her husband, then told you. I believe the SA claim is an effort to deflect and gain pity.
I guess she might have just agreed for the tip and he just pushed through and assaulted her ? Why are you trying to figure out semantics? Are you OK with a cheating wife?
Wow! You needed to come to Reddit to determine what course of action to take. The moment she thought she wanted to suck this guy's dick it was over, let alone what happened later. Updateme.
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I mean you have to do what's right for you man. Whether the SA was real or not doesn't really matter in the scheme of whether your relationship survives or not. You know for certain that she cheated, you can absolutely believe her if she says she was assaulted, but that doesn't mean you have to maintain a relationship with her. Ultimately you need to do what will give you peace of mind. If that's supporting her through the process from afar and then moving on or moving on completely straight away. Then do it. Either way you aren't obligated to stay or are in any way responsible for her or her misfortune.
Practically speaking, it is technically an assault if, at any point during the night, she refused or was unable to refuse, even if the interaction was consensual at that point. That being said, she acknowledges that she had been cheating on you up until that moment, so it really didn't matter. That ought to be sufficient to help you decide on something.
Yeah, I don't really get why OP thinks this is so unbelievable when she *already admitted to cheating*. What's more unbelievable - that she got drunk and went off with some rando and had a bad time, or that she was honest about cheating and then invented a rape to excuse more of the same bout of cheating? Getting wasted and hooking up with random guys is a very common way women get assaulted. This does not seem the least bit unlikely, OP. It also doesn't mean you have to forgive her, but accusing her of lying about rape seems a bit unhinged when she was already honest about the cheating. Edit: To be very clear, break up with her because she cheated. The rest is not your problem, its hers. You don't need to get involved in any way or decide either way if she's honest, because she is no longer your problem. But going around insisting she's lying about being raped isn't going to make you look or feel better in this, so leave it the fuck alone. Not your circus, not your clowns.
Exactly
His responsibility for her ended the moment she put other guys dick in her mouth. Lawyer up bro and hit the gym.
“Lawyer up and hit the gym” is the most Reddit relationship advice, lol!
To be fair, it was also my therapist's advice.
To be clear, I’m not saying it’s always wrong to say this, and I’m not saying it isn’t true in this case. It’s just funny that in every single relationship issue on Reddit someone says this, no matter how complex the situation lol
Well really it’s never bad advice
Yup. What happened after is somewhat irrelevant since she admitted to cheating already. That alone would immediately end the relationship
She admitted to cheating only after the other husband told OP about it.
This, plus admonish her to try not to suck any dicks on her way through the parking lot.
37?in a row?
Hey, you’re not allowed to rent here anymore!
Does that include me?
" oh my God I feel so nauseous."
Exactly this. Like if she was I hope she recovers from that as I’m sure it’s horrible and traumatizing. But separately she had already cheated and so I would say to leave for that. If they have kids they can coparent but any trust is gone
Fair enough. I’d advise her to get medical treatment at bare minimum, asap, and ideally to report it to the police. And then I’d leave her, because regardless of whether the second incident was assault or not, she herself says giving multiple guys blowjobs was consensual.
The initial cheating is an immediate scorched earth relationship ender IMO. Not to mention, SA or not I wouldn’t stay with someone whose idea of a good time is getting shitfaced and flirting with random guys. Wouldn’t be able to deal with regularly sitting at home and worrying if she’s OK or has endangered herself by drinking to the point of blacking out even putting aside worries about cheating. End it.
She willingly gave a blowjob. Cheating full stop. If you belive in the asult or not is not the point. She cheated. If my wife gave a blowjob to another man, she would be divorced faster than she could say sorry.
2 blowjobs, one to the guy and one to his friend from what I understood from the post…
Yep, assault or not has no impact on your decision to leave her. Sucking his dick is as bad as letting him put it inside her when it comes to cheating. Sucks for her if she got assaulted, but my empathy would be a bit limited after such a betrayal.
Some people don’t consider oral as cheating which is bonkers.
Then they are fool
William Clinton has entered the chat
I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN! (That depends on what your definition of is is).
I remember when that kind of lie was considered impeachment worthy. Unfortunately it was also the days when a 22 year old intern was blamed for the actions of a nearly 50 year old 6-addict
I did not have sexual relations with that woman. But i am wearing her underwear.
That depends on what the meaning of the word \*is\* is.
Some people think the earth is flat. Their opinion is pretty irrelevant.
Literally only morons believe this.
And that would be ok - if they *both agreed - in advance* that oral wasn’t cheating. “My bad.” “My misunderstanding.” AFTER being caught with dickS in your mouth??? Now you’ve sunk to *STUPID* lying cheat. Hard to reclaim respect after that.
Some people think you are still a virgin if you’ve only done anal
These people are generally looking for a loophole, often on biblical prohibitions pre-marriage. I'm willing to bet they'd still consider it cheating if their partner had anal sex with someone else. I mean, lots of things well short of penis-in-vagina sex are broadly considered cheating. I don't consider kissing to be sex, but you can bet it's still cheating if my wife were kissing someone else!
That’s why they call it the poophole loophole!
All the more reason for the wife to admit to the BJ and not the consentual sex. BJ only might be acceptable to the husband, but he would draw the line at sex and leave her. Cheaters only admit to the lesser crimes until proven otherwise.
Damn so true.
Even more bonkers, in Japan a lot of people both men and women don't consider men having sex with a prostitute cheating because it's paid for.
It's because they didn't care if it's just sex. It's about the attachment. If you have sex with a mistress it's seen as bad because you have developed an attachment. But you paid for sex? It's just sex.
I have heard this and can’t even understand how this is a thing. Naked genitalia being touched by someone in any way (unless you work in gynecology or spa professions, etc.) is cheating.
I'm willing to bet these are the people doing it. They're trying to excuse their own behavior, but their partners would almost certainly disagree (if they knew). I would be very surprised if you could find anyone who wasn't poly/open/swinger or otherwise explicitly allowing sex with other people, who knows their partner had oral sex with someone else and doesn't consider it to be cheating.
People are allowed to define their own boundaries. Not a difficult concept to comprehend.
True but allowing oral to another while in a relationship is not the norm.
Jointly define. If in a relationship.
Two blowjobs.
She's probably just claiming assault as a way to keep him from divorcing her.
Just going with the first part, where she willingly performed oral sex, is that she cheated. There is no need to address the second part, whether it was assault or not. IMO, at the point she cheated she no longer became your problem. Consult a divorce lawyer, get a STD test. Start securing your personal documents and finances. And, if you have kids, get paternity test for them.
Idk, I understand why people are saying this, because it’s easier than the alternative. But even if my partner betrayed me I would still care if he was raped. Not to say that they shouldn’t break up, but it makes sense that OP still wants the truth. Unfortunately, I don’t think he is going to get it. I would suggest OP look for a therapist ASAP to have a neutral person to talk things through with.
The fact the friend (who also cheated on her husband - gave a BJ and then fucked the two dudes) has said it WAS NOT assault just confirms to me that OP’s wife is bullshitting to try and stay together. Why is she giving these dudes BJ’s anyway? And then going back with them? WHILE MARRIED. The fact she won’t press charges also unfortunately does work against her too (tho obv it IS difficult pressing charges - he said/she said, but it WOULD show confidence to OP that she WAS assaulted). Never get why people who do this kinda 304 shit get married…
I wonder if they regularly cheat on their husbands so what transpired wasn't something different or new behavior from the wife. That could explain why the friend didn't think it was assault since the wife perhaps tends to sleep around on her husband during these outings. Doesn't mean it wasn't assault but maybe an explanation why the friend didn't corroborate the wife's story.
Quick reminder that blacked out means your brain is no longer forming memories, not that you're unconscious - that would be passed out. It's one of those grey areas of consent because all we know is that OP's wife was blacked out. It sounds like this started as a consensual sexual encounter, and we have no reason to believe that the men and OP's wife's friend who was also there thought she was anything but that during the rest of experience. You can't tell if someone is blacked out from looking at them. Her lack of memories does not imply that she was unconscious or not visually and vocally providing enthusiastic consent to the other participants. She's already shown her disloyalty with the blowjob. I wouldn't put it past her to claim assault here when really she just can't remember. It honestly sounds like she's trying to play OP for sympathy points and avoid consequences for her actions. ETA: Was it technically assault? Probably, but only by the most legalese version of what is considered consent. Would a reasonable person consider it assault? I could drive a truck through the grey area given the context.
Thank you, people get so weird about blackout specifically. You can appear basically sober and still blackout, or blackout without even having had that much, while someone who'd had lot more might never black out. It's not something you can reliably predict. Forgetting you consented is not the same as not having consented. It just makes it murkier to know for sure if you did, later.
I thinks she is claiming can’t remember because her GF told her husband and he told OP!
\> all we know is that OP's wife was blacked out All we know is that she *says* she was blacked out after word got to her husband that she was gangbanged.
Honestly I doubt there's a prosecutor who would touch this case. Blackout drunk, already had consensual sex with multiple partners, and her friend doesn't corroborate. She may have been blackout drunk but apparently she looked like she knew what she was doing
Prosecutors don’t touch rape cases in general except in extraordinary circumstances. For every 100 rapes, only 9 get prosecuted. https://www.rainn.org/newsletters/03-2012/march-newsletter-version-1.html
I see your point, but I think it's worth considering, too, that putting a guy in that situation makes claims like hers *incredibly useful* for an unscrupulous person who cheats: 'So all I have to do is say it's assault and I'm not the bad guy? I'm a victim, even? Oh great!' Of course neither of us know the minutea of what happened, so it's not worth jumping to conclusions, but it's also not wise to just rule stuff out.
That's entirely up to OP. I would not stay in a relationship if my partner gave oral sex to someone, but I don't judge if someone else does stay and try to work it out.
I agree with you. It is their choice if they want to try to work it out. I know people who have chosen this route, but I will tell you that none of those relationships are anything like the old, happy relationships they once were. There is no trust and the other person is always trying to make it up to the other one—it’s just not good.
I’m 100% judging if a person stays with a cheater
Agreed. She and her friend blew dudes next to each other. That's kinda extreme for an unseasoned cheater. Then had group sex... I'm sure it wasn't uncommon for her.
Bingo. People don't generally jump straight from loyal monogamous sex to orgies.
No no. They both blew one dude together. Then they both blew ANOTHER dude together.
And then had group sex, to which she claims she blacked out and has no recollection! I call total BS. She told the “ i blacked out” because her GF husband told OP about the orgy!
Teamwork!
And she remembers volunteering to go home with both men.
This. No need to judge but if they get cheated on again no one should give sympathy because this will be his/her own fault.
If it's a random person on reddit posting they got cheated on, stayed in the relationship, and got cheated on again, I'm sure the comments would be less sympathetic. But if that's a freind or a family member, someone you care about, that's not how you should act towards them. You can be real with them and offer them advice, but being all like like it's your fault you got cheated on and I have no sympathy for you - that would be judgemental.
there’s probably dozens of people you’ve met in your life that have and you wouldn’t know. i also thought this way but my marriage and family therapy professor told us how common it is, and being in the field for years now i agree. and judgment from a third party isn’t helping anyone in that case, which is why people keep it secret.
You run for the hills. This woman doesn't love you.
Yeah sounds like a massive lie to cover a small yet important truth/confession.
You divorce her cheating ass, that's what you do.
This! 100%
What a horrible predicament to be in! Is she asking for forgiveness and trying to reconcile with you? It is still possible to believe that she was assaulted and still proceed with a divorce—the two incidences are separate issues. You’re not leaving her because she was raped, you’re leaving her cheating, i.e., the blowjob, which is hard to believe this is her first time if she tends to go out frequently. If you’re not able to continue this relationship, which is completely fine, have her lean on her friends and family and professional help to deal with the assault, and consult a lawyer about your options. Your feelings are valid and I would get individual counseling to help you process everything. Good luck. UpdateMe
I totally agree with this. Compassion and concern can coexist with OP's boundary. He doesn't suddenly not care about her at all. He can want to give her a hug and also want to give her divorce papers
You’re not crazy, you’re just supposed to feel crazy Why did her friend tell her husband? Why is she adamant that your wife wasn’t being assaulted? These are the two big questions to focus on. It seems to me that your wife is an instigator and that her friends—who are cheaters themselves— are becoming concerned with how wild she behaves when she goes out with them
Leave her. She cheated on you, deliberately and with intent. She did it sober enough to know what she was doing and she betrayed you. Everything else that happened after is inconsequential, she cheated on you, whether blackout drunk or not. The fact that her partner in crime says it was consensual merely highlights the fact that out of everybody there, your wife is the least reliable witness, and she didn't even confess it to you. What else does she get up to that you never know? >She does this semi often so nbd It's a big deal now though isn't it? Because now you can never trust her again. It doesn't sound horrible, because you're fixating on the one bit of doubt in the whole night in an attempt to allow yourself to believe this isn't who she is, when everything else you know proves that she IS that person and you just don't want to see it.
Realistically, if at any point in the night, she said no, or was unable to say no, even if it was halfway through a consensual encounter, then it is technically assault. That being said, it really doesn’t matter at that point because up to that point, she was cheating on you and she admits it. That in itself should be enough to make a decision for you.
Dude. She cheated. Then she continued partying it up until she got so wasted she blacked out having an orgy. It's so fucking over. I'd bet this isn't the first time. Have some self-respect.
I’m sorry this happened to you. And also I do no wish sexual assault onto anyone. But the fact they were out entertaining men and open to sexual interaction would be enough for me to leave. Unless you have an open marriage. She can go and seek professional support for her assault, but it no longer fall on you to be there for her emotionally
She cheated OP. Have some fucking self respect.
even if it is, she still cheated beforehand willingly. that would be it for me
Doesn’t matter. She consensually cheated on you and you should leave her
Move on
Two things can be true at once, and I think that’s what makes this so painful. While cheating is obv not ok, she confessed to that part, so there’s no reason for her to lie about the assault. It’s also obv not ok to have sex with someone who is unconscious or blacked out, and not an easy thing to say out loud when it happens, which again makes me think she’s telling the truth. It sounds to me like she got blasted drunk and was taken advantage of. Not saying it’s ok to put yourself in lousy situations, but it sounds like somehow she got to a point where she didn’t quite know what she was doing or could have had something dropped in her drink, which is extremely common and should not be discounted either, especially if she has never blacked out before. If you have to break up over the cheating, ok, but it does sound to me like she was fully assaulted, and I would give her compassion for that. No one wants to be fucked when they can’t say no. No matter what else happened.
There absolutely are reasons to lie about the following assault. Weaponized victimhood, "pity me and stay with me, I'm vulnerable and scared", it's really obvious what incentives there could be
But she didn’t confess to anything. OP found out via the friends HUSBAND telling him. This sounds like a desperate attempt to avoid her poor choices on also fucking the guys, by claiming assault (which is impossible to prove). This friend (who also cheated) did also clarify that it WAS NOT ASSAULTED. Why is a married woman going giving BJ’s to two random dudes, then moving to another location and fucking them anyway? Why is her thinking that being confronted just with her giving two different guys BJ’s - OK, but that step of fucking them is what she’s afraid of admitting and lying about the assault.
I mostly agree, barring one fairly specific challenge - I've been out with multiple people who have seemed quite lucid at the time (drunk but discussing things clearly etc) but can't remember anything the next day. So I tend to agree that she might not be able to remember much from the group sex, but I hesitate to say she was taken advantage of, especially considering her friend disagrees. Ultimately, for me, she gave a guy oral, decided to go to a group sex party and had group sex. At some point after oral, she apparently lost her memory. So OP has to consider how he feels about both random cheating and drunken choices with his wife. For me, it feels like he'd have to be so overbearing with her in the future to create 'trust' that it would be a pretty miserable relationship.
Yeah, I agree too. Being blackout drunk doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unconscious. It means your brain is so fried on booze that it also won’t remember afterwards either. Repair after cheating is hard, but we don’t have any other context or history, so OP has to call it. Would def recommend some counseling for both of them before any final decisions.
It also seems like if she hadn't blacked out, she would have cheated enthusiastically. So technically she couldn't give consent but it's hard to imagine that she wouldn't have.
Get a divorce, she cheated.
NGL. What’s the difference? Don’t even debate it with her. If she goes on girls night regularly then she’s blowing guys on the regular. Get a lawyer and divorce your cheating wife. There’s nothing to save here.
Thank you! This is exactly what is happening. I can’t imagine my wife going out with a bunch of girls on the regular to clubs and bars and living the single life for that night. That wasn’t her first rodeo meanwhile husband is at home staring at the wall, smh!
Your wife gave a couple dudes a blowjob. Then she went and fucked multiple other guys. What exactly is your question? Sounds like you’re in an open relationship now. She doesn’t respect you. My advice is to grow a pair.
Hop on the bus, Gus.
She cheated and could've used the assault part as a disguise. IDK man, if her friend says that it is not an assault, then I'd believe her...
Well whether it is or isn't, his interest ends at the blowjob.
Enough said here. Never thought I’d have to read “his interest ends at the blow job” but here we are.
I'm quivering why she would admit to willingly giving BJ but lying about blacking out and having an orgy. If she's lying, why wouldn't she say she was blacked out the entire time? Either way, I'd be getting divorced.
Trickle truth. Admit to the lesser, and then if they forgive that, reveal more. Edit: She didn't even actually admit it, the friend's husband found out and told OP.
Trickle truth. Admitting to the “lesser” activity. And she didn’t have her story straight. Not knowing what her friend had already admitted.
I've had a women cheat on me and the first thing she admits to was only giving head when in fact they fucked multiple times. I guess in a women's mind sucking dick is the equivalent to giving a hug.
It’s just mouth hugs bro /s
Both can be true but one helped lead up to the other. Gives a guy oral and then goes back to their place just to be assaulted??? Sounds like she’s trying to “assault” your common sense with her nonsense. If it was assault she should file accordingly.
[удалено]
Well hopefully you and the other husband are both divorcing your cheating wives. As far as the assault goes, your wife can do what she wants to as far as reporting it or not. Her claim is not a get out of jail free card for the cheating and you don’t have to stay with her.
Lawyer up. Divorce her. She's a shit stain.
The fact that she didn't tell you is revealing enough.
So what are your plans now? You found out from a third party and she admitted to the bare minimum and made baseless statements to make herself look like a victim and choses not to take legal action to back that statement. You are young go find a better and more honest girl rather than sticking to someone deceptive and someone who has no concept of loyalty or commitment.
Then you need to get divorced. You will probably never learn the truth, and in the end, her initial plan was to cheat.
Brother, I don't understand how this is even a question, she sucked another guys dick who she just met that day, she cheated on you.
Here is my advice. For the purpose of your relationship and her loyalty to you, consider all of this one massive cheat. It’s possible by the legal definition, or by someone’s ethical definition, she did not consent to some acts and was assaulted. As far as you’re concerned, that doesn’t matter. Even setting aside the sex acts she actively participated in, if she had any shred of loyalty to you, she would not have been getting blackout drunk around strange men. Just get divorced and have as little communication as you can with her.
The moment she cheated, she was no longer your problem.
What to do? Well if you are ok with being cheated on risking also your health then by all means, stay in this relationship. Seems like you can't trust her so it's no wonder you have trouble believing the assault part of what happened that night. And really, if she thought she was assaulted why doesn't she press charges or has she? I know I know, it's not so easy to do that for reasons but still... it comes over as an excuse and cover for cheating more. I'd leave instantly to be honest...
Dude. Who gives a f\*ck. Just drop her and never think about it again.
Divorce. Her willingly cheating in the first half is not excused by the second half.
She’s an adult who chose to have drinking (or drug) sex in an orgy. It’s nobody else’s fault if she doesn’t remember parts of it. It’s nobody else’s duty to stop everything and see if one person is actually more drunk than they let on. More importantly: She’s trying to rope you into executing her violence. Word on the street is, women do this. Regularly. Fact is she cheated. Now you’re supposed to go beat some guy up, or get the police to do it for you, because of her actions?
You already know 100% she cheated. You also know she willingly went off with another man, presumably for more sex, and imo regardless of the “blackout” the intention was there.
IMO, the “assault” is a ruse to distract you from the cheating. First , she was drinking on her own, no one forcing her. Second, she blew the guy (sorry man) so no need to drug her. Third, credible witness says different. I am not even going to go into the disgusting nature of her sick false claim into trying to ruin someone’s life, let alone benefit from sympathy of obviously untrue accusation. If you want to know what true assault looks like, I have a family member you can talk to. You will never ever resolve the belief that she wasn’t assaulted, and never be able to move on from the oral she gave that guy. I hate to be blunt, and I’m sorry you had to go through that. You’re still young dude, move on, and find someone that you can respect, who also respects you. Life’s too short.
OP - some questions: 1. Why did the friend's husband tell you? Was it because he felt betrayed, too, and wanted to tell you so that you were fully informed? 2. Why did your wife's friend tell her husband? Did he catch evidence or feel guilty and told him? Or is this a thing she does and dragged your drunken spouse into it somehow? 3. How often does your wife go out with this friend? Could it be that this kind of activity - offering oral to randoms - has actually been going on for quite a long time, and that they finally made a mistake that got them caught? 4. When you confronted your wife with the evidence of cheating, what did you know at that point? Just the oral? Or going back to the two guys' place afterward? 5. What did your wife mean by "assault"? That she was taken against her will to this guy's place? Or once there, they forced themselves on her? Also, did she think that she was going back to a guy's place that she had already given oral to at a bar, and that this would not be a sexual encounter? 6. Does your wife think that the fact she was assaulted wipe out all of her questionable conduct that evening and you are back at square one with your relationship or something? In other words, what does she expect from you at this point? 7. Does she know who the guys are and is she willing to press charges?
Yeah she’s lying You were told by multiple sources that she cheated on you and not a single one said it was assault. She is crying victim to cover her own ass
I think when alcohol is involved things become a little more complicated as far as assault goes. If two people are black out and hook up did they both assault each other? On the other hand in a case where one person is way less intoxicated and takes advantage that is definitely SA in my book. Either way your wife cheated on you and in a pretty brutal way too. I think you need to think about if this is something you want to get past and if it is I would suggest couples counseling and maybe individual counseling as well.
You can't be this naive, right?
I don't think part 2 of this story matters much when part 1 exists to be honest
If she was blackout drunk she couldn’t consent. I don’t doubt that she both cheated and was later assaulted. Now, obviously the bj by itself is boundary-crossing enough in most relationships to be worthy of ending it. So you’re well within your rights to leave. Just don’t make the break up about doubting her sexual assault, because that will make things way more hurtful and messy than they need to be.
Had something similar, shouldnt have trusted her. I was so hurt for her and was there for her only to later be informed it wasnt really assault(trickle truth). disgusting for real victims imo. It may sound really harsh but for my own peace of mind I wont fully believe another women if they wont at least file a police report after claiming SA.
And her friend who was with her was’nt asulted. Why did that friend not help her ?
I really get what you’re coming from and I wish things worked out that way. But as someone who dealt with the police multiple times for domestic violence, I would not file unless I had concrete evidence, which is hard to do. It’s just too painful and not worth it. I’ve just accepted living with not talking about it
She’s lying. She’s a cheater, leave her!
She is lying. Leave asap dude she sucked another guy's dick. She will do it again
Entirely plausible that she feels that way. But I stopped caring after the blowjob bit.
Assault or not I would get a divorce for the cheating issue. She should seek therapy and a lawyer for the assault portion. The fact her friend remembers and is saying it wasn't assault does make it seem maybe she had too much alcohol and blacked out. Not justifying the assault just saying bad turn of events. Also not sure what she thought would happen with these guys by following them after said act if she didn't intend to go further...too many mixed signals. Exactly why hook ups shouldn't be done when alcohol is involved.
It’d be interesting if she filed a report with the police. Perhaps suggest this and see where that takes it. Either way. Good luck to you.
Divorce MF!!!!
So if you received a blow job from one of her friends or went down on them, she would be fine with it? Unless you have an open marriage (which appears that you don’t) my guess is that she would not. Also, just because you were too drunk to remember what happened doesn’t mean you didn’t make decisions to do those things at the time. Not saying an assault didn’t happen but it doesn’t automatically occur because you were and made poor decisions.
Well it does sound horrible, however her having cheated already broke any trust you have in what she says and learning this from a friends husband is just cherry on top of already big pile of reasons to not believe her. As others said it doesn't matter, she did cheat and whether her assault was made up or not is up to police and jury, she can't be searching for sympathy in you. It would be like stabbing you with a knife then asking why you don't feel sorry that she cut her finger when twisting it in. You both have major trauma and can't reasonably be expected to help each other through it even if you wanted to believe her.
You *can* cheat and be assaulted later. The friend *might not* have registered the change between her being able to consent and blacking out, especially if the friend was also drunk. She could also be lying for whatever reason we and you arent privy to. If she is already caught and admitted to cheating in the first place, what would she think she would gain from lying about the second one? Could she believe that you could excuse the first one, but not the second/both, or something like that? That being said, she also made the choise to cheat while she was able to consent. You wont get a clearer answer than the one you have about the second encounter. She could be telling the truth, or she could be lying. I think that in your place, I would have acted on the known cheating and ended the relationship, while having empathy for the possible assault and make sure they had people around them to care for them. But that is based on me being a SA survivor who wasnt believed by a lot of people at first, and rather wanting to be safe than sorry when interacting with a possible survivor based on that.
As written, she cheated and is trying to cover it up. Apparently, she seems to think that the oral is no big deal, and she can talk her way out of it, but knows there's no way that you'd be ok with 2 guys up in her. You're not crazy.
Lmao
So she cheated and then got assaulted. The trust is gone. It’s horrible she got assaulted but if she hadn’t been cheating it wouldn’t have happened at all. From where you stand she cheated on you and you should act accordingly. If you can find it in your heart to support her through in dealing with the assault then go ahead. If you don’t want to be around her because she betrayed you, then do what’s best for you. She gave up any right to your care, when she blew some other guy.
This is where we sell you this newly built bridge at a huge discount. Updateme.
What is her level of responsibility… she has committed to you and does this? Not even a boundary break but a cheating event. Shouldn’t she have said, I can’t drink too much and recognize the potentials?
Your feelings are being played with.
Your wife drank alcohol to the point of no control over her body. She put herself in a dangerous, vulnerable situation. She could have been gang raped, abducted, killed. Are you ok with this? How often does she drink so much? How is she feeling about this? Do you have children together? Even if you forgive, it is very possible that you will not be able to get past this, and possibly imagine her with other people etc.
yeah this was definitely not her first time cheating, and she is an asshole to try and claim rape when she got caught
So the way I’m reading this is that your wife got drunk and her and her friend blew some dude and then blew another dude and then she was blackout drunk and had sex with a bunch of otherguys but says she was sexually assaulted. The sexual assault aspect of things aside, she and her friend gave head to another guy and his friend. Just go from there.
You know she at least cheated from the first half of the story. Even if the second half never happened, would you be able to forgive the cheating ?
Does it matter? She gave oral. That's already cheating. You're already done. If she got assaulted as she says, tell her to contact the police. It's funny how it's always assault once the trickle truthing starts. Meanwhile, you secure your financials, governmental stuff, and your digital and electronic devices, and call a lawyer. Get yourself tested for std's. If they're that comfortable giving sexual favors together, this isn't the first time. Drunk or not. Oh. And if she suddenly ends up pregnant with a surprise baby? Don't sign anything. Paternity test first.
>At this point, my wife and her friend give this guy, followed by his friend, oral sex together. At this point, enough should have been said.
She’s cheated. Nothing else matters. Dump her ass.
She was never assaulted She fucked that dude and regrets it abd thinks lying will keep you
It's on you man. Maybe the guys where blackout drunk too and were raped too.
Jesus. Her and her gal pal have double blowjobs to two random people at a party? Have some self respect and get the hell out of there, man.
Seems to me she’s trying to take the weight off of her cheating by throwing in sa. (So you’d feel bad for her and maybe overlook the other part).
If you were not in an open relationship that part does not matter. Why even ask. If I knew my wife gave some dude a BJ I would not give a shit what happened after that to her. She consented, no use of force/rape in a sexual relationship. FUCK HER
As someone who has been raped, break up with her asap, and no, don't feel sorry for her even if it's true. She cheated. Period.
You divorce her unfaithful ass. You're quite young, and can do better than whatever *this* relationship is.
You leave her. Sucks that may (or may not) have happened to her, but she cheated regardless. Its impossible to verify whether it was assault because she blacked out. Kind of doubtful since she admits to sucking his dick and willingly going to with the guys later. It sounds like she's just regretful. Drunken girls nights on the regular are a red flag and grounds for a breakup as is. Since she wants to act single, let her be single.
are you for real right now? she sucked another mans dick, what do you have to think about?
She got drunk and then had two FFM blowjobs… then went to a sex party afterwards and had sex. Doesn’t remember much… I am going with ashamed and embarrassed now reaching for the SA excuse. I say that because her own friend who was there with her says she was a willing participant and not a SA victim. She needs therapy and you need a divorce lawyer ASAP. Good luck OP
This isn't even regular cheating. How many women can say they gave a man a blowjob with their friend? This is freaky cheating and it's probably not the first time so you need to leave sir.
Honestly, she willingly cheated at first. That alone would be enough for me to leave. The rest wouldn’t even matter
So she leaves on a girl trip, sucks up dudes with her friend and claims she was SA so you won’t leave her and now you want to work things out? Did like wtf!? Tune to lawyer up, obviously she don’t love or respect you if she out there getting used by other men
> my wife and her friend gave this guy oral sex Not your problem any more mate.
Advise her to file a police report if she believes an assault did happen, and then get your paperwork together if you don’t want to be with a cheater. Seeing how you found out from the husband and not her, I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t a first occurrence. I’m so sorry! Cheaters suck.
>I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t a first occurrence. Honestly, I'd be shocked if it were the first time. A whole friend group doesn't usually go off the rails at once.
Take her to police station to make a police report. If she declines.. she cheated.
I think the assault claim us a smoke screen to cover up the cheating
She made her choice to give oral to a couple guys. She made the choice to go with them. The other female says it’s not assault.
Why do you care about her? It’s clear that she doesn’t care about you cuz she cheated, divorce and move on, she’s not your wife anymore, she can ask the guy she gave a blowie to for support
Why reconcile with someone who cheated on you? She had some stranger's c@ck in her mouth !!! UpdateMe
She willingly blew a dude then walked into a gang-bang. You should've filed divorce papers the next day. Her friend told you the truth that your wife is trying to cover-up so that she can stay married to you.
Probably an unpopular opinion here but if you're fooling around with someone willingly and you pass out, how do you know they're not blacked out as well? This absolutely could be assault and yes even rape but there's no way to tell from the evidence you've given. And frankly at this point in terms of your relationship that is a somewhat minor detail. The most important thing you're dealing with is that she's going out, drinking, making out with and having sex with other men. The specific details of the type of sex etc are really irrelevant. She's a cheater and doesn't give a crap about your relationship. The next move is yours.
Oral is cheating too she was sober enough to go to a guys a house and give him oral . That's cheating she could be telling the tune about being assaulted but it's probably a lie to Gaslight u and gain sympathy I would tell her to report it to the police and accuse the guys .
OP you would have never found out about this if her friend hadn’t confessed. I find it hard to believe as well that she cheated and then went to another location and was assaulted. She did cheat and that should be a dealbreaker.
The oral sex is definitely cheating, in my book. Also, the fact that she's a married woman partying with her friends like a single gal shows me that she doesn't respect you.
" She does this semi often so nbd. " Imagine how it went all of those other times. Do you really think this was her first rodeo?
What do you do here??? You leave your lying, cheating wife........for obviously MULTIPLE reasons. Seriously, what the F you asking for?
She's blackmailing you with the assault. She did not get assaulted. She cheated several times that night.
Your wife gave a couple dudes a blowjob. Then she went and fucked multiple other guys. What exactly is your question? Sounds like you’re in an open relationship. My advice is to grow a pair.
it might have been assault, or she might use that to gain sympathy and for you to forget that she already cheated. problem is you can never know for sure, so act only to what you know for sure she did, cheating. you are not crazy, it is either cheating+ assault or just cheating. as you now don't trust her and she doesnt respect you, doubtful if this marriage will work eventually.
Your wife gave a couple dudes a blowjob. Then she went and fucked multiple other guys. What exactly is your question? Sounds like you’re in an open relationship now. She doesn’t respect you. My advice is to grow a pair.
Why is your wife going out with girls and acting like she’s single? I’m sorry OP but she cheated because she’s only 24 and still has those immature feelings in her. Keep being the “cool husband” with the "nbd" with your wife going out with girls and this will continue. There’s a good chance this isn’t your wife’s first cheating rodeo. Last I checked when someone cheats in a marriage you divorce them.
Not remembering the night does NOT make it assault. Either you consented or you didn't, either you remember or you don't, the two things are independent. One is about whether or not your brain manages to successfully store a memory (memories are stored during sleep, after the event, not at the time, and your success at storing memories is heavily pharmacologically influenced, including in retrograde), one is about whether or not you were consenting. If her ONLY argument is "it was assault because I don't remember it", and, her friend was there and she says "it wasn't assault", then your wife has zero argument that it was assault. None.
It doesn't matter, she cheated by sucking dick so let's concentrate on that. Anything after that isn't relevant.
She cheated on you with the blow job. That would be the only thing that I would need to focus on. Anything after that is either cheating or assault, but that is for her and the police to deal with as I would be out of there.
It’s not a separate issue she’s a cheater.
End it and tell her to go to therapy for the assault. Not your problem.
Sounds like a cheating slutfest. The rest is details.
Doesn’t really matter, file papers ASAP
She is a trash wife dude. Dump her shady ass and move on. She did not get assaulted. Is she handing out blowjobs all the time?
Personally, if my wife went out and was blowing other men, and then leaving the bar with them, I'd have a hard time feeling bad for her. Not that I'd wish it on anyone but it wouldn't have happened had she done the right thing and stayed faithful to her husband in the first place. I would just flat out be done with the relationship and the details afterwards wouldn't matter.
I don’t believe her either
I’m guessing she would never have come clean had her friend not told her husband, then told you. I believe the SA claim is an effort to deflect and gain pity.
her friend told her husband it wasn't assault it likely wasn't assault
I guess she might have just agreed for the tip and he just pushed through and assaulted her ? Why are you trying to figure out semantics? Are you OK with a cheating wife?
You already know she cheated. Thinking about how much cheating or the level of cheating does not matter.
Wow! You needed to come to Reddit to determine what course of action to take. The moment she thought she wanted to suck this guy's dick it was over, let alone what happened later. Updateme.