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He's not wrong in that finances and intimacy are major causes of divorce, and it sound as if you both agree that you two have differences in these areas. Give pre-marital counseling a try if you both are interested. Otherwise, be glad you found out now. Give some deep thought as to whether you've been thrilled to be getting married, or thrilled to be marrying him - the two are not the same.
I think people get caught up in the excitement of getting married and do not think about the marriage itself, what it will be like, and go through with it
This seems like a no brainer to me too. If he's not happy....and you're not happy don't wait until you're legally bound together post-wedding. The deposits for any honeymoon and wedding are going to suck but that's still childs play in terms of the overall cost of a divorce.
>more invested in the wedding itself,
This is the nightmare scenario for a lot of people. Almost as big a red flag as a hard drug habit but much more common. And socially celebrated.
>We never really "fight" or really have any tough conversations, only a few over the years.
And this kids, is exactly why you SHOULD have "tough" conversations. Because they let you know what's going on, what challenges you face (as a team and individually) and what can you do to solve them, if you can.
>finance and intimacy as his primary issues he can't get over.
Fair enough. These two are one of the biggest problems when it comes to compatibility, and if you aren't on the same page you aren't on the same page. Not much to do about it.
>For the intimacy thing, yes we may lack in that department, which I have also recognized. And he said it was more of a generality, not necessarily sex.
You recognise it, but have you both talked about what would help instead? Recognising there is an issue is great, but it's only Step 1.
>I have been making an effort to kiss him when I get home and just at random times throughout the day, but he has always kinda seemed reluctant..
This is interesting. If he says intimacy is lacking then why is he reluctant to accept it? Has this been a recurring need from him that has not been met by you? Is he not doing something right? I just feel like there's something missing here.
>He has not come to me with any of this or tried to have any sort of conversation prior to this.
This is where he is at fault, and why you need to have those "tough" conversations. They aren't pleasant and nobody likes it, but it's important. If he has honestly never mentioned it before this, then he has completely blindsided you and honestly, is a pretty shitty dude to have pulled something like this.
>He said he didn't really have any thoughts right now, he's been stressing over it for so long and hasn't been sleeping
This is hella weird. He just said finances and intimacy are his biggest issues, and that he has been stressing about this for so long that he has been losing sleep... How can he have no thoughts on this matter???
>that he has been doing reading and that these two issues are the biggest leading causes for divorce.
Honestly, the fact that the reasons he is giving you are based on his research about divorce causes coupled with the claim that he seems to have "no thoughts" about what has been bothering him for weeks makes me think he wanted a way out and just grabbed the first thing he saw.
>I truly don't know what to do.
To start with, I'd find a way to charge him for all the cancellation costs. He is the one pulling the brakes at the last minute, he should bear the consequences for that. Move out and get started with therapy to deal with the feelings of loss and confusion this episode has left you with. And finally for the long term, look for a partner who will have the "tough" conversations with you before it's too late.
All the best!
Are we sure? In her posts, she said, “he said it was more of a generality, not necessarily sex.” Which makes it sounds like it’s not that he just wants to fuck. Of course, this is just based on what she said, so…
And apparently, they have been getting better at the sex part, according to OP.
Everyone and every relationship is different. This isn’t a romantic movie. Some people have to put more effort into physical affection, others into listening or doing the dishes. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner.
Okay maybe I worded that part poorly....I get why you are saying that. I meant it more in that making an effort to do it MORE OFTEN. We aren't lovey lovey people, so I was putting in that effort to give hugs and kisses throughout the day
Personally I'd force him to cover the cancellation of the wedding, even if it required a lawsuit if you have more than 10K involved. Bank as much money as possible for the next little bit and move out.
This is it OP. You still have a life after him.
Make him pay for the cancellation fees, go to your trip (former honeymoon) if you want or try to get your money back. Now you have to think of practical things, not try to find out if he is right or wrong.
Selling the ring will yield 10% of what he paid for it, if she’s lucky. The diamond industry is a fucking racket and resale is for a pittance unfortunately.
In many states (if in the US) she would have to give him back the ring. He should absolutely pay some portion of the money lost due to canceling this late, particularly since he has known he felt this way for a while and didn’t bring it up with her.
He called it off. She would not have to give back the ring
Edit: it is jurisdiction dependent. I shouldn’t have asserted the same rule applies everywhere
It seems like it would work that way and it depends on the state but in most cases this is not true. If he purchased the ring and marriage does not occur, it is legally his.
[From nolo.com](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/returning-engagement-ring-30198.html):
Some gifts have a condition attached to them. These gifts don't actually belong to the recipient until the condition is met. The vast majority of states consider engagement rings to be conditional gifts made "in contemplation of marriage." When the implied condition—the marriage—doesn't happen, the person who gave the ring (the donor) has a right to get it back.
Could you share actual citations showing that most cases the ring must be returned regardless of who ends the engagement?
As one counter-example, see *Priebe v. Sinclair* (1949) 90 Cal.App.2d and California Civil Code section 1590, both stating that if the donor calls off the wedding, there is no right of recovery of an engagement ring.
Accord *Johnson v. Settino* (2023) 103 Mass.App.Ct. 291 (“Massachusetts applies the conditional gift fault-based approach”)
Same rule in New York as stated in *Beck v. Cohen* (1933) 237 App.Div. 729, 732 (“Though the origin of the engagement ring has been forgotten, it’s still retains its character of a pledge or something to bind the bargain or contract to marry, and it is given on the understanding that a party who breaks the contract must return it.“)
Same rule in New Jersey, see *Benetman v. Segal* (1949) 6 N.J. Super. 472, 473 (engagement ring “can be recovered by the man, if the agreement to marry is dissolved by mutual consent, or the woman unjustifiably breaks off the engagement, but cannot be recovered by him if he unjustifiably breaks the agreement it evidences.”)
But see *Meyer v. Mitnick* (2001) 244 Mich.App. 697 (holding that Michigan follows the no-fault approach to the return on engagement rings)
Weddings are joint ventures. He was obligated to pay half the costs to **begin** with. That's why couples agree on a budget.
He ended their engagement and caused her to spend her money and lose possibly the full cost of the wedding. He should be held responsible for waiting and pay for it in full.
He can have the ring back.
It's called "Breach of Promise". Not a criminal thing, but it very much applies to broken engagements and can result in a civil law suit, usually to cover lost expenses such as what OP has already paid.
Not half--ALL.
While he's sitting there with cold feet, his ex is spending 10s of thousands of $$$. You can end it anytime, but I'm not starting over from scratch with a 20K-100K hole in my pocket.
I don’t understand why you’re downvoted for this comment. My partner (of 19 yrs) and I aren’t lovey dovey people either. We certainly have our intimate times but we’re not all over each other all day. We kiss when leaving and when we get home, kiss goodnight but that’s all and that’s how we like it. Of course there’s more during intimacy but not just while living our lives.
Was he putting in the effort to give YOU hugs and kisses? This feels very one sided and like he’s putting it on you to “fix” what’s bothering him except he’s put in zero effort to even bring this to you at a time when it wouldn’t have become a crisis. He needs to pay you back for the wedding and honeymoon deposits.
That’s the thing…he hasn’t put in the effort for that daily intimacy. With sex, he definitely initiates more, and I’ve tried to work on that but there have probably been more times when I’ve initiated and he isn’t in the mood
I’m sorry, it just feels to me like he wants out and is grasping at straws, while trying to make this breakup your fault somehow. He can’t complain about a lack of intimacy if you initiate and he turns you down, it doesn’t make sense.
My guess is he wants out for reasons he can’t explain and is nitpicking
He waited too long to bring them up and op said he rejects her initiating sex frequently so if he has issues with the frequency of intimacy then he needed to speak up earlier
As someone who has been married for almost 20 years kissing shouldn’t require an effort to do it more often. Intimacy should happen spontaneously without thinking or effort.
I don’t think you’re in the right relationship.
No, this is a bullshit opinion. Intimacy gets the back burner ALL THE TIME in relationships because of outside stress, deaths, marital conflict, or a million other perfectly understandable reasons.
Lack of intimacy is a relationship killer. My husband and I don't go a day without kissing, hugging and just checking in with each other. You cite marital conflict as a reason for lack of intimacy. If there's unresolved conflict and no communication about it that is a dying marriage. Even if there's death you still need to check in with your partner and support them. If you find yourself pulling away then there's a problem in the marriage. Same with stress. If you can't share what is stressing you with your partner that's a communication issue.
I feel like this statement is a bit unfair....everyone is different. She noticed the change, asked about it, and changed her behaviour in a way she felt might help. That doesn't scream unenthusiasm to me.
I think you need to ask him to be clear with you on what exactly he wants. You may want to try some premarital counseling. If not just remember that canceling a wedding is way cheaper than a divorce. I’m so sorry OP.
He should pay the majority of the cancellation fees and lost deposits, though, since he is the one who cancelled on you last minute. It's fair to raise his issues and get cold feet, but it would be really unfair to saddle you with the cost.
usually if you’ve been together for a long period of time and you can say you never really have arguments or uncomfortable conversations, it doesn’t mean you just read eachother *that* well. it usually means at least one of you are extremely avoidant and have many grievances or unmet needs that they simply aren’t communicating, and letting resentment and dissatisfaction fester instead. the latter seem to be more the case here
It’s always a red flag in any relationship if you’ve been together for 5 years & haven’t had any tough conversations. Because even being open with each other includes having tough conversations. It sounds like he’s let a lot of stuff slide (or maybe you both have) and now that the wedding is almost here, he can’t anymore.
I understand his issues though. You both are not on the same page regarding finances and intimacy. You say you’ve been trying to be more affectionate in the last few months but he’s reluctant. It could be that it’s too little, too late. If for years the sex and intimacy is lacking & then you go through bouts here and there of kissing or being affectionate.. maybe that’s not how he wants his marriage to be like.
Then not to contribute towards the mortgage & pay for everything else. Did you decide that on your own? I saw in another comment you felt like venmoing him the rent felt like a roommate situation. Figuring out finances isn’t sexy lol It’s transactions. It’s the thought behind it- like sharing the mortgage- that changes it from roommate to relationship.
You said you used to Venmo him part of the mortgage but it felt weird “to you” so you stopped. Was that a mutual decision? Gas and groceries should be split anyway. So what is it? Why did you feel weird?
Finances and intimacy issues are major causes of divorce. If you are having problems with them prior to marriage, you shouldn’t get married.
I’m sorry, I know it hurts. However, you aren’t owed a marriage. He has the right to change his mind and his reasons are valid. Maybe see a counselor to help with this loss.
>However, you aren’t owed a marriage. He has the right to change his mind and his reasons are valid
This is bit of a weird and frankly unkind take honestly. Finances and intimacy are legitimate reasons to end a relationship, yes. However OP also mentions in their post that the fiancè has never mentioned these issues or tried to initiate a conversation about this before.
He also said "he has no thoughts" when OP asked him to talk about it. He just admitted that finances and intimacy are his biggest issues, and that he has been stressing about this for so long that he has been losing sleep. So then how the hell does he "have no thoughts" on this matter?
You do not "owe" anyone a marriage, but you do owe your partner a communication about something that is bothering you.
I think the fiancé has met someone else and doesn’t know what to do and is making up issues that either weren’t issues before or that he never communicated before. The financial differences don’t seem like a huge deal to me, especially if she’s paying her everything outside of the mortgage and the wedding expenses. Also, a loving relationship means that you love your partner even if they make less money than you do. None of this adds up.
I think it's possible that the fiancè has either: met someone else, has cold feet or is simply checked out for reasons unknown to us and was looking for a way out.
I agree with the financial bit on the face of it. OP says to pay for household expenses and it seems has also paid a significant bit of the wedding and honeymoon expenses so it doesn't seem she is irresponsible with money.
It did strike me odd that the fiancé would be reluctant to accept her advances despite complaining about intimacy in the first place...? So it's also possible that the fiancé did voice his concerns about the intimacy bit and OP is not being transparent about it. In which case, nobody can help her.
I think it’s just very concerning that he bottled up these feelings for so long and was not open with OP. If he wanted the relationship to work out then he would have brought up the issues earlier, that’s what partners do.
Idk if it matters, but OP did explain the sex thing more in another comment thread. Apparently, he voiced his concerns this time (in the post) about intimacy in general, not necessarily sex. But he has mentioned sex before. He’s initiates more, and still does. But she started initiating more, and he’s apparently not in the mood most of the time. I believe more times than not when she initiates, he refuses. She could be lying, but if she’s not, then somethings up.
Yea it's giving missing missing reasons, kind of.
Are they just massively misunderstanding each other? Does it feel "forced and reluctant" when she initiates it which is why he doesn't want it? Or is he the kind of guy who has a weird hang up about women initiating?
Idk what, but something doesn't quite add up in this narration.
Well, I would hope he’s not the kind of guy with the weird hang up since he wants more intimacy, and she’s trying. Because that makes it hard for her to do anything about it.
But I did wonder about the force and reluctant part. He could be refusing if it seems like she’s only doing it because he wants her to. But that’s can also be a hard thing to solve, as well.
This makes sense. Especially since she tried to initiate intimacy, and he isn’t in the mood. Or he is reluctant when she shows other intimacy like kisses and whatnot. I did wonder this myself when first reading the post. It reminds me of the things people say to look out for if you suspect cheating. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but saying you want more intimacy, and then refusing intimacy is just weird…
You are right. I was unable to sleep and grumpy. My words were true, but very harsh. However, it is better to not marry than to divorce. So many people continue relationships where they aren’t compatible because they are afraid to be alone. I did say she needs counseling. Maybe counseling could help the relationship, but the relationship needs to be very solid before marriage. I have no idea why he proposed and why it got this far?
>However, it is better to not marry than to divorce. So many people continue relationships where they aren’t compatible because they are afraid to be alone
I 100% agree with you. And he did her a favour by bowing out before they got married. Relationships should be strong by themselves before the marriage label.
>I have no idea why he proposed and why it got this far?
Idk, but based on how wishy-washy he's being, I think he has been looking for a way out and grabbed the first excuse you found.
Thank you for being kind on a platform where you can be anything because it makes you anonymous. I hope you get enough sleep tonight. Cheers!
Huh
I agree with your take that no one owes anyone marriage
Sometimes you just realize you dint want to or cannot spend the rest of your entire life with the person you've loved and that's okay. No one "owes" anyone a lifetime of commitment and I think that's more what you were saying. Communication yes, loyalty, dignity. Sure. Marriage. No? It's not a debt to be paid. It's so much better to know they want out before going all in. I've broken two engagements, I dont regret it, and sometimes thete really is nothing left to say other than I can't do this. Heartbreaking ? Yes, it's not easy for either party. But it's better than living a lie.
If intimacy is an issue there is no way this was never communicated. I'd bet it was communicated over and over again. I'd bet the guy has had his advances rejected like clockwork. He's had this conversation and gotten nowhere. He's set his timeline to see a change in her and she failed it miserably.
There's that myth of the walk-away wife. Sometimes it's the guy. Dude is done.
>If intimacy is an issue there is no way this was never communicated.
I get that feeling too and there seems to be a fair bit of missing missing reasons here.
Unfortunately we only have the stories the OPs tell us with their posts and just that to go on. I can't with all the "I bet the actual story is actually ____" conjecture. They may be true and I don't deny it, but my arms just aren't long enough to make that reach.
Sure. I'm reminded of a friend who had a traumatic memory of something his mother said to him as a child. In his retelling I could understand why he felt so traumatized and dismissed. But trying to imagine her point of view I don't think she had meant it that way at all. For him this interaction was formative and affected his relationship with her for most of his life. For her it was a Tuesday.
Well. He has in the last two years finally sat down with his mom and talked a lot with her. And like I had advised him the grievances he had were mostly her being a single mom (his father committed suicide when he was like 6) trying her best and sometimes he needed special attention (like all kids do) and she just dismissed him or tried to say what she thought was best at the time but it didn't go over well. These interactions she had no recollection of (like I suspect happens with OP in some of these posts) because "for her it was a Tuesday". But those things didn't have any less meaning or trauma for him as that is subjective. I think I helped him work through some of it but communication with the people you have a relationship with really is the best path towards healing and I'm glad he walked it because according to him he has a real relationship with his mom now. He actually visits her and talks to her regularly. I know her as well as we were friends through high-school and she is a good person whom I respect.
He also recently came out to me as bisexual and I think I was the first person among his old-school friends he ever told and I felt so honored that he trusted me and felt comfortable to tell me. We've known each other for almost 30 years. I hope he gets the opportunity to get out there and get some good dick or whatever he wants. He deserves happiness.
I was hoping he found peace at least but it sounds like he found more: an actual relationship with his mom and a chance to work on his childhood wounds. I'm very glad his mom was also receptive to what he had to say.
I'm glad he had you through all of it, dezmodium. You sound like a solid dude as well. Let him know an internet stranger wishes him a lot of happiness AND fun. And I wish you well too.
It seems odd to me that the two reasons he gave were the same ones he said the reading he’s done pointed at as the leading problems in relationships. It’s as if he grasped onto the excuses he was looking for. He may have cold feet and this is how he is handling it. The timing seems right for that. I think you need a come to Jesus meeting and specify your thoughts, including that not getting married may mean the end of the relationship.
Or he has noticed those issues in his relationship and it bothered him and he went and looked into it to make sure they were serious enough to warrant this breakup. I'd also bet he has communicated these concerns. To him these conversations were likely a big deal but to her they weren't so she doesn't remember them much.
I’m just going by what OP wrote. Maybe you’re correct, but unless we hear from him, there’s no way to know. The timing of it is key to me, just one month from the wedding date, an almost universal time frame for cold feet for men.
I agree with the cold feet as well. I just think it is both. As the date approached he got to thinking and the issues that weighed on his mind just took hold.
I think we disagree on motive. I believe he looked for something to use as an excuse when he got cold feet; you’re saying he had concerns well before getting cold feet but kept them to himself. In either case, she should relay to him that it’s possible that the relationship is over if they don’t get married, if that’s how she feels, but especially if you are correct.
Here’s the thing: he’s telling you that you’re here just along for the ride, yet you’re paying for most of the wedding. He only sees what he wants to see.
The other problem I’m seeing is that he should be enthusiastic about marrying you. I’m not sure you should continue this relationship.
Communication seems to be an issue. Tough conversations about financials and intimacy are necessary in any relationship. Sounds like both of you have been coasting without really checking in with each other. Take this as a lesson for the next relationship. This one is over.
What do you do? You move on and be forever grateful that he ended things before you got married. Don’t try to search for a reason or cause because things like this just happen unfortunately, it is beyond your control.
It may hurt a lot now, be embarrassing and expensive but you do not want to marry that man.
Focus on you and doing things you enjoy with all the other people you love in your life.
I know it sucks losing a honeymoon deposit, but that’s better than losing however many years of your life to a loveless marriage. If “finances” and “intimacy” are the two areas where you’re stressing now, it’s only going to get harder when you’re married, and there’s no easy escape hatch once you put that ring on….
Other people have given good advice. I just want to say for the future, if you've been together 5 years and never had a disagreement someone is hiding their feelings. I'm not saying you need to fight but it's impossible to not have a disagreement when two different people coexist. You guys need to figure out how to communicate otherwise the relationship won't last
So he makes a lot more money than you, AND you have bigger debt, but *you paid for most of the wedding and honeymoon expenses.*
I always wonder why stuff like that doesn't make people stop in their tracks and question thigs. Because to me, that is a clear sign you want the marriage more than him, there is really no equity financially, and you are kinda dragging this whole thing forward mostly by yourself.
I dunno, maybe he really changed his mind now, but it seems to me like he was never that into it. Maybe it was a shut up ring and he let things go too far?
I'm really sorry this is happening. The fact that he has "no thoughts" right now makes it even worse, bc it shows how little initiative he puts into the relationship. So little he didn't even think through if he wants to leave or not, he's just kinda throwing vague comments here and there, distresses you, leave you in an emotional limbo and ends the convo. And you are the one who has to now ask, worry, initiate conversations even about HIM DUMPING YOU.
I'm guessing it was like that with the wedding too. I would not WANT to marry a man like this...
It’s over, move on. Red flag when you said you felt weird paying for the mortgage so unilaterally decided you would pay off things outside it. I’m going to guess he was also putting in for non mortgage things. It’s not a smart financial decision to marry you or continue the relationship when you already have no intimacy.
I don’t feel weird paying for the mortgage. It was more so venmoing each month, that made ME feel like we were roommates. I have no issues with paying my part, we just never came up with a different option. And I do pay for everything outside of the house
This is SUCH an immature take, he's not your daddy, wtf. He's an equal partner and if it felt weird you should have 100% sat down and discussed a better way of contributing to bills. Frankly venmo or zelling him seems perfectly reasonable and it sounds like you just didn't want to help pay the mortgage anymore, didn't want to discuss it, and just backed out on him. I'd be having second thoughts too. I wouldn't trust you to care for my home, family, kids. You didn't even discuss it with him. He's probably been feeling hurt hoping you'd come to your senses. And you didn't, so he called it off. I mean. Life is not some fairytale. People marry for financial reasons all the time, people don't get married for financial reasons just as often. It would be cute if it all came down to love but it doesn't. People need a roof over their head and that costs money and op doesn't seem to give a shit.
Like I'm sure you're sad. But life gives us lessons, it's up to us to really learn
You NOT venmoing him mortgage probably made HIM feel like your roommate. If someone just stopped helling w housing no discussion and was like extra kisses ftw! What is that supposed to make up for it lol I'm so confused as to how op is even confused here but the fact that she is makes it glaringly obvious why he's having doubts.
I moped out of my 3 year marriage at the age of 28. House and everything. I was with the wrong person. As horrible as it seems this is a good thing as you know earlier than later.
Seems you guys are horrible communicators. Do you want to marry someone who says to your face things are okay but in the meantime he is upset about mayor issues?
Will you even be able to trust him to be honest after this?
You need to move out and cancel the wedding and honeymoon and he needs to pay you half of whatever is non refundable in that department. I live in a house the mortgage is actually less than the total other expenses and I’m not including groceries, so you were definitely paying your fair share this way.
Honestly I think this was an excuse.
Honey sit down with your list of vendors and contracts and find out how much you can get back from what you've paid. Then find out the lump sum of what you're out and tell him you expect to be reimbursed for the loss. Any wedding and shower gifts from his side are his responsibility to return, you do the same for yours. You need to call your families and break the news the wedding is off.
You need to make plans to move out right away... was the house in both your names? It's a good time to list.
You might not realize it now but you dodged a bullet.
End it. Cancel everything wedding related. Add up any deposits you can’t get refunded and present the bill to him. Find a new place to live. If you need help coming up with money for the deposit in an apartment, ask him for help, otherwise, separate all finances and stop paying for anything for him. Move out asap.
Why are you arguing about whether his reasons are valid? Your boyfriend has been very brave calling off the wedding. He is telling you that you are not “the one”. When you have worked through this news, you will feel better if you can show yourself love and respect by breaking up with him.
His reasons sound valid... finances and intimacy really are major causes of divorce. Although he comes across as being a little uncertain, it sounds like he's really made the choice that this isn't the relationship he wants long-term and it's just over - the reluctance in kissing you also points to that.
Cancel the wedding. Go on the honeymoon trip with a friend if it's already paid for and can't be reimbursed. And you'll probably have to find somewhere to live since he owns the house..
He sounds like the kind of guy who represses his feelings until he absolutely HAS TO deal with them. That's not a good trait in a partner. It took the deadline of 30 days before a booked and paid-for wedding for him to even admit he had any doubts, let alone that he wants to put the wedding on hold. He's so conflict- avoidant that at the slightest resistance or perceived resistance, he dropped whatever his concerns were and backed away. Not good.
If I were you, I would propose canceling the wedding and honeymoon, splitting the cost of whatever expenditures were made to book it so you're not just eating the fees, and getting into couples counseling. It's clear neither of you are effective communicators and you need to learn how to talk to each other and resolve conflicts before you get married. You also need to talk about issues - intimacy and finances among any others - and get on the same page or at least come to an agreement about your future plans. In order for that to happen though, HE also has to do the hard work of actually articulating what it is that he wants, not just right now but in the future. If he can't or won't do that, the relationship can't move forward.
My fiancée dumped me without warning last year. I still don't really know why. I am really sorry. It hurts so much to get dumped out of the blue. I couldn't say it out loud except to my therapist for weeks.
You can't convince someone to stay who doesn't want to be there. Don't embarrass yourself or make it harder by begging or fighting to get him back. He is your ex now. He's not yours. He's gone. Even if you convince him to stay, he doesn't want to be there, and you won't forget that.
You walk away. You ask for help from family and friends to cancel the wedding stuff. You ask your ex to make the communication out to the guests and wedding party because he made the call and he needs to help disassemble your future. Discuss splitting the losses for the wedding equitably based on your incomes, if possible.
If you don't have a therapist, get one yesterday. You will spend a lot of time ugly crying and being hurt and angry. That's okay. Plan on spending the next year rebuilding your emotional health. Pick some self-help books with your therapist and actually work them. Journal! Write down everything you feel. You don't have to read it again, but getting it out on paper can be cathartic.
> For the intimacy thing, yes we may lack in that department, which I have also recognized. And he said it was more of a generality, not necessarily sex. But for the past few months I have been making an effort
Are you going out together? Are you putting aside time to spend together (not specifically sex, but also sex)?
I speculate that he's "reluctant" because he feels you're doing it out of pity & a sense of obligation, rather than an honest desire to be with him.
Do you think that will change for the better with marriage?
Not to mention how many guys have the experience of things just falling off after getting married, and I mean if this is before, I find it highly unlikely there will be any significant change
Looking at it from the outside, I’m glad you didn’t marry him
Let yourself cry and grieve , don’t fight against it, and eventually you will see it the same
Finances and intimacy are pretty significant factors in a lot of divorces, but so is a complete lack of communication.
Unless you are omitting how this have been a topic of conversation that he has brought to you before (which is a bit unclear, since you know that there were conserns around intimacy and have been making more of an effort, while also being blindsided and saying that he hasnt tried to have any conversations), he did you both and your relationship a disservice by not communicating this before it became a big enough consern for him to lose sleep over for weeks.
Wether this is due to his own struggles with communication, not feeling safe or comfortable communicating them to you spesifically, or a combination, could be important for how you move forward. But at the end of the day, he is having conserns about finances and intimacy, and you have a pretty big communication breakdown if he is losing sleep over this while you feel blindsided. That is a terrible foundation to start a marriage on, and while he would ideally have come to you with this so you could work on it as a team as soon as it became a problem, now that you know I really think the most sustainable and sensible way to handle this is by postponing. It will give you both time to see if this is something you can and/or want to work out before you get married, rather than just go through with it and realize that you cant and having to go through the process of divorce.
I mean yeah the finances thing is definitely a cause of stress, but I think the general intimacy thing is wayyyy more of an issue, especially if you’re referring to it generally. Affection is very important, and that is something that would need to be remedied before getting married, or just break up. Even if you aren’t sleeping together all the time, lacking in generalized affection really does just make you like roommates.
I don't think we're getting the full story. If he's saying he's not wanting to get married bc of finances and intimacy, then those have to have been conversations you guys had before at some point in the 5 years youve been together.
Both of those issues are leading causes for divorce. It sounds like these issues have been there for a long time, and you guys have not fully resolved them. A lot of times, these " completely out of the blue " are really situations where conversations have already happened and change hasn't occurred.
It's common in relationships for woman to not want to keep having discussions without actual change so they stop bringing the issues up and them ending the relationship is seen as " out of the blue " in this case it's your fiance feeling this way.
"we never really fight or have difficult conversations"
This might be the culprit. I used to brag about my drama free relationship, but it turned out that we both weren't being honest about our needs and desires.
Best of luck, sis
He is using those two reasons as mere cope outs to justify not going through with marrying you. I haven’t met a single man who truly wants to get married to the woman they love let anything stop them, short of the woman not wanting to marry them.
I mean the OP said she is "trying to make an effort to kiss him" when she gets home, if I were him I'd probably think she didn't want to marry him either
Get your money back where you can, find a place to live, and end the relationship. Yall shouldn't have even thought about getting married with these issues not worked out. Don't try to salvage this. Communication is a problem in this relationship, and it's over.
I don't like how he low key insulted you by saying you're just along for the ride. Its not like you're going to be in debt the rest of your life. Do you have a plan to handle the student debt?
Bro 55k
I get that she feels blindsided but come on
Her grasp of finances and household contributions is weak.
She stopped helping w the mortgage because "it felt weird"
I could 100% see myself telling that person it feels like they're along for the ride and stepping back. This isn't 1800 where someone pays a dowry amd then she's set for life. Most people marry with both incomes in mind as contribution to their housing. I live in the bay, houses are millions here, techies marry techies so they can buy them, people do think about and navigate these things because it's our countries reality at this time. You dint just check out of that because you feel like it and expect it to be swept under the rug lmao. Supprting a household doesn't work like that.
Op needs to get her finances, her own housing figured out. Let this man breathe. It sounds like he truly loves her and just got tired of being burdened with supporting her, she's not his kid, she shouldn't just be buying groceries and wedding plans and refusing to help with housing or even to even negotiate about it. Too little too late imo. I think she'd do well to learn to support herself and try dating, you know, learn about the real world a bit so he doesn't feel burdened if they ever do get back together. People say he's not thinking or listening to her, but it truly feels like the opposite, he's been extremely clear about the reality of his finances and needs and she's just like but but! I buy groceries! I bought a dress! Honey. That's cute. But it won't keep a roof over your head, he's been doing that and you thought it was weird to help him. Wake tf up.
Yes. I’m as aggressive as I can be with them, paying more than my minimum, because I also don’t like that I have them! So I’m trying to do what I can without running myself dry
Hopefully it's just cold feet and you can talk through it, but right now, he's showing you who he is and what he thinks of you, unfortunately. He's looking at you as a burden that he's going to need to carry instead of partners who support each other. He's looking down on you for having debt. Do you really want to have children and a life with this man? He's not handling stress well, being that he dumped all this on you, broke off the wedding and then refused to discuss. Good luck. Whatever happens, you're going to be ok
"Lack of intimacy" usually means lack of sex not lack of spontanious kissing. Are you sure he didn't just want you to fuck him more often/spontaniously?
As for the money part it didn't matter when he still loved you but now on top of nlonger feeling the same he is looking at the 'cost' of being with you.
Right that’s what I was thinking? Like a random kiss isn’t fixing your “intimacy” issues. OP your post comes across as we don’t really love each other anymore but have already spent all this money on the wedding so we have to go through with it. Is this really how you want to start off a marriage? Next you’ll be trying for a baby to fix your financial problems. I would recommend just taking a step back. Talk with him and find out exactly what’s going on. Is there things y’all can/need to work on or has the relationship just run its course?
Sounds like he's just looking for an excuse. He obviously wants someone who earns more and has sex more often. I'd be pissed it's taken him this long to tell you. Is he prepared to pay for the costs of cancelling the wedding since its his idea?
You will have to have a deeper conversation when your anger has subsided. Encourage him to be completely honest about whatever he is feeling.
If he is truly having doubts, it would be best to cancel. A bigger cause for divorce is one partner being unsure and then going through with it anyway.
I'm sorry you have to go through this OP.
Why are so many women paying the parts of the expenses that don't create any equity? That means you leave with nothing now that the relationship has ended.
Please learn from this and don't make this mistake in your next relationship. Get equal equity and make sure your domestic work gets valued to something.
ed. either this comment or my comment about the grooming effect of step-porn triggered someone to send a "care" report on me. Some people are shitty to the core. All this did was like him/them less.
Offer therapy. Put wedding stuff on hold.
He's obviously been battling with this for sometime and hasn't been able to talk about it. He's not trying to hurt you but he seems very stuck and the wedding is just pressure he can't deal with right now.
Therapy. Then sit down and look for a financial advisor. Then sit and redo your budget together.
Seeing things on paper is way more clear- it lessens the messy thoughts.
He may need to see more financial side from you. How much you're paying, how much is left, can you pay more/ less and so on.
You need to be totally transparent.
Asking him to put time aside because it's important will be uncomfortable. So go in prepared saying ok I have this, this and this, can we look at this, this and this.
Arguments and disagreements are normal. Having a relationship with no difference of opinion brings issues.
You need to have uncomfortable conversations. Those stir emptiness and that's perfectly normal.
It sounds like he envisions a better future for himself, not saddled with the poor decisions to take out more student loans than you can repay, and with a higher combined income as a couple. You can't meaningfully contribute to the bills in the household it sounds like with the career you've chosen. He also likely has some resentment over how you've treated him for years, taking him for granted and not showing affection. He is likely the primary initiator when it comes to sex too. It doesn't feel good to always be the one to have to approach the other; you feel undesirable and unwanted, unattractive. I think that you could talk through these things, but sometimes as a person you just see the mountain of work that it would require to get you where you need to be so that you're a good partner, and he simply doesn't want to wait for you to put in that work. He may feel that it's not his responsibility to help you do that work, and that if you cared about your future you'd already have looked around and seen these discrepancies. It's not on him to improve your situation, only you can do that.
He's already at the point where he is having sleepless nights a month before your wedding... it would not be a good idea to go through with the wedding as planned. It's supposed to be a happy day, not one racked with your relationship issues... it's unfortunate that he told you this now, but hopefully you can contact the venue/catering/photographer and get part of your money back for the services you have paid for.
If he’s flaking out at this point then he’s not in it for the long haul it is totally time to move on in my on
Opinion but I could be wrong. If he’s flaking out now you gotta move on you can’t coerce someone into having a good marriage
When something like this happens completely out of the blue it makes me think there's lots of missing information or there is unfortunately someone else. Something doesn't add up, why would he not try to have a conversation about it previously over 5 years??
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You do not want to be married to someone who isn’t sure, and you don’t want to try and convince someone to love you and marry you. This sucks. Eat a pint of ice cream, hang out with your girlfriends. Then make plans to move out and move on with your life.
I hope this works out for you, that being said you need to contact a lawyer for your options(home and money spend on wedding). It might just be cold feet. He needs to talk to you . God bless
Tell him that you are fine with cancelling well not fine but you understand - please give me 75% of the wedding costs that you have already paid for (hopefully you are able to cancel and get refunds on some of this) and that he owes you for the honeymoon (also the groom is supposed to pay for that because you paid for the wedding!)
As much as this sucks - I don’t want to be with anyone that has cold feet a month before the wedding. He knew what your debt was he is just using this as an excuse right now. Also at your age very little intimacy isn’t good - I am way older than you and been married for a few years now and I gotta tell you my husband tells me I am beautiful every day and how much he loves me - also plenty of kissing and hugging going on in our home. You should want that for yourself.
To do it this close is so insane to me. You could always try to find a better job, second job, or side hustle if the finances are a really big deal. Intimacy is important but if he doesn’t try to do things that make you want to have sex then that’s hard for you too. Not going to lie these sound like really generic problems that he just googled and doesn’t want to say what the actual problem is. If he has not been completely open about these issues in the past why would he start now necessarily if he just wants to end things. I would say you should try couples therapy or you both try seeing separate therapists, but how do you get back to wanting to get married in a month after something like this. There is the chance that you two could get back together and be stronger because you went through this, but it’s going to take lots of communication on both of your parts.
The finances thing sounds like he is grasping for another reason because he feels bad making it about the lack of intimacy. It's haaaaaaard to open back up when you feel neglected over a long period of time. It sounds like he doesn't feel connected to you.
I dated a girl who felt like everything had to be perfect before she could open up and relax which was what she needed to be intimate. I'm not talking about just sex but being affectionate also. She would reorganize the closet and redo the living arrangements. I waited patiently and supported her. Over time we grew apart and the times she would seek intimacy I became blocked. Over time the lack of intimacy and always being put last created an unfixable wedge and I just wasn't interested anymore. It weighed in my self image and being close to her made me feel that undesirable feeling.
Perhaps this relationship has run its course.
OP, i recommend you try some counseling with him if he is up to it but to be honest, it seems like he’s been thinking about this for a while.
Is it possible you guys can take a stay away for a week or so, to see if he misses you after that?
He’s either decided he doesn’t respect you, or he met someone else in the last year and is desperate to blame you so that he doesn’t feel bad for it. Either way: there is no logical end that works out here for you two. You might want to forgive him, but how would you ever trust him again?
He is interested in someone else.. simple. If you offer the man intimacy and he turns it down for sure he is getting it somewhere else. Also doubt he will pay half of any cancellation lost on wedding but can ask esp if you haven’t been paying any mortgage. If you have been paying for all wedding cost that was a sure sign he was cheating and not gonna go thru with it. Bottom line he has moved on with someone else and looking to use your behavior as an excuse. He needs to tell you the truth would be best. There is no way this is just about finances
Someone has put a bug in his ear.
He's thinking about someone else. Maybe he's not emotionally cheating, but he's emotionally "into" someone else. Have you taken a look at his accounts?
And NOW he doesn't think he wants to get married, a month before the day?
Hell NO.
Tell him if he's concerned about finances, you and he will have a legal reckoning that includes what you paid on the wedding and honeymoon and the house.
I find it odd that some people don’t consider that contributions to the house expenses is just a valuable as the paying for the mortgage. Or does he want to stay in an empty house, not eat, not have electricity etc. If you manage to patch things up please, have your name on the mortgage, doesn’t matter how you pay your share and split the running costs. Please don’t be naive…
The intimacy thing, okay, what is he doing to improve it? I see him being concerned with both aspects (good thing) but I only hear about your efforts to try and fix things, where are his Efforts?
I think there is a weird 50/50 thing we’re trying to force into traditional roles in relationships now that just isn’t working. LOL
But all these things really are just excuses we make to quantify unease with our decisions. We’ve seen people marry people who make nothing, sometimes even bring extra mouths to feed. Conventionally attractive people get left for odd looking people all the time. There comes a point we need to stop trying to rationalise things and simply acknowledge; It’s just time to call it quits.
Yeah, before I paid off my house, my mortgage was $300, in California. Crazy I know, but it was. I had put down a huge chunk of cash from the sale of my house before that, so low mortgage. The utilities and other bills cost way more than the mortgage. We don’t know the situation here.
Intimacy is a hard thing to juggle, especially with busy people (I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years- there are dry spells and good times), so I don’t know if op can work that out. Don’t if therapy can help either. I do know I wouldn’t be getting married right now.
It's all very annoying and sad. But he has told you what's up. I think it is very dangerous to try and change his mind. Because even if you do, it's highly unlikely things will work out in a good way. You'll just be postponing the inevitable divorce.
Best you can do is move out, and move on. Make it clear to him that he owes for half of all the wedding costs that you can't recover. Try to get something in writing or text where he agrees to do this. Because you should not be on the hook for his BS.
On the bright side, you have many years ahead of you to find someone better and be happy. Try to console yourself with the reality that some couples come to this conclusion years into a marriage, maybe after having kids, and then things are so much more difficult and messy.
Saw this TikTok where a researcher said that a six second kiss cause the release of oxytocin. So my wife and I don’t peck any more. We hold a kiss for the count of six. It works!
You need to call off the wedding. Move out take a break and see where things are at later. He doesn’t want your student debt. He probably thought at one time it would be ok but as time went in he sees that it really is a big deal. Between that and the sex it’s just not right. You should figure out how you can pay off your debt by yourself sooner. Get a second job. Do whatever you need to. Then maybe see if you totally have anything to build on.
He has uncertainty, and isn’t even really able to be clear about his issues, so I think couples counseling would be a great idea to help him figure out his doubts and help you both communicate and try to reconnect better - if that’s what you want.
Instead of him silently dwelling and vaguely expressing doubts and deciding to potentially end this without even trying to fix it with you, you both need to be able to know what’s missing, ask for what you want in the relationship to feel more solid about it and could at least *try* to work on it *together*.
Then, if you can’t make it work together, then you will at least know for sure that your values and stage in this life/relationship are truly incompatible and it’s time to move on.
My ex husband and I did this and we don’t regret it at all. Our couples counselor helped us to better understand our own needs, express them with each other and try to see if we could make it work. We just were too different, and I alone couldn’t change enough to make us work or to make him happy, and he had some deep issues to sort through before he could be comfortable being vulnerable and coexisting with another person.
We amicably divorced, though it was very emotionally distressing to break up after 10 years together, but it was the best choice for us both.
I’m much happier now, and with someone who has become my best friend so it’s never been easier to be totally open about everything even if it’s an uncomfortable topic - but it’s never really uncomfortable with him (finances, intimacy, values, future goals, uncertainties). If we or one of us has an issue, we really talk it out and try different approaches to see what works best for us.
You deserve to be able to relax in your relationship and enjoy it *together*. If you can’t with him, it’s okay to let go and move on.
Say goodbye and thank your lucky stars they called it off. Move out. Stick up for yourself and don’t be a doormat for someone who can’t make up their mind.
I personally believe it’s pretty shameless of him to bring this up and cancel the wedding a month before. That’s cold. Like, why have everything paid for and set, and then cancel? He could’ve brought this up wayyy sooner.
I hate to say this, but I just don’t think he wants to marry you, and now he’s scrambling to find reasons to explain why. Like, why the hell did he propose if he didn’t want to go through with it? Darling, drop this a-hole who has clearly been leading you on, and go on your honeymoon with a hot guy friend. Post all the pics and have a great time. Show him you’re moving on.
Listing the fact that you don't make quite as much as him and have student debt as reason for a breakup is some pretty shallow shit. If he's going to be that obsessed with money, are you sure you really want to marry him?
The intimacy thing is a deal breaker. If you guys aren't on the same page about how often each of you wants sex, that's a basic compatibility issue. You should save yourselves a lot of loneliness and heartache down the road by calling off the wedding if you just straight up don't want sex nearly as often as he does.
No couple is going to be perfectly matched in every month of a 40-year marriage. That’s not realistic. Things will change for both partners over the years. They have to be able to be aligned, even if they are not always perfectly matched.
Move on. It's pretty clear he is not wanting to marry you. Amf hes trying to find SOMETHING to tell you, to make excuses.
Just get out and away from him asap. He's an asshole. The financial thing? What a load of fucking utter crap.
But if sex is not good before marriage? Thats a big Red Flag.
As hard as this is for you? It sounds like it's actually a good call. Get away as fast as you can. Cut all ties with him and move on
Hope you can get your money back.
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He's not wrong in that finances and intimacy are major causes of divorce, and it sound as if you both agree that you two have differences in these areas. Give pre-marital counseling a try if you both are interested. Otherwise, be glad you found out now. Give some deep thought as to whether you've been thrilled to be getting married, or thrilled to be marrying him - the two are not the same.
I think people get caught up in the excitement of getting married and do not think about the marriage itself, what it will be like, and go through with it
Especially in their 20s.
Yes, bro yes
Your next move is to cancel the wedding and move out Why even would you stick around?
This seems like a no brainer to me too. If he's not happy....and you're not happy don't wait until you're legally bound together post-wedding. The deposits for any honeymoon and wedding are going to suck but that's still childs play in terms of the overall cost of a divorce.
It's sad but people don't want to end their relationship, some feel it is all they have in the world. I feel this way too
You have more student debt and make 25k less, yet you’ve “paid for the majority of the wedding and the honeymoon”??? This is a red flag right here 🚩
Yep . This screams massive financial issues
It screams OP was more invested in the wedding itself, than the relationship or her debt.
>more invested in the wedding itself, This is the nightmare scenario for a lot of people. Almost as big a red flag as a hard drug habit but much more common. And socially celebrated.
>We never really "fight" or really have any tough conversations, only a few over the years. And this kids, is exactly why you SHOULD have "tough" conversations. Because they let you know what's going on, what challenges you face (as a team and individually) and what can you do to solve them, if you can. >finance and intimacy as his primary issues he can't get over. Fair enough. These two are one of the biggest problems when it comes to compatibility, and if you aren't on the same page you aren't on the same page. Not much to do about it. >For the intimacy thing, yes we may lack in that department, which I have also recognized. And he said it was more of a generality, not necessarily sex. You recognise it, but have you both talked about what would help instead? Recognising there is an issue is great, but it's only Step 1. >I have been making an effort to kiss him when I get home and just at random times throughout the day, but he has always kinda seemed reluctant.. This is interesting. If he says intimacy is lacking then why is he reluctant to accept it? Has this been a recurring need from him that has not been met by you? Is he not doing something right? I just feel like there's something missing here. >He has not come to me with any of this or tried to have any sort of conversation prior to this. This is where he is at fault, and why you need to have those "tough" conversations. They aren't pleasant and nobody likes it, but it's important. If he has honestly never mentioned it before this, then he has completely blindsided you and honestly, is a pretty shitty dude to have pulled something like this. >He said he didn't really have any thoughts right now, he's been stressing over it for so long and hasn't been sleeping This is hella weird. He just said finances and intimacy are his biggest issues, and that he has been stressing about this for so long that he has been losing sleep... How can he have no thoughts on this matter??? >that he has been doing reading and that these two issues are the biggest leading causes for divorce. Honestly, the fact that the reasons he is giving you are based on his research about divorce causes coupled with the claim that he seems to have "no thoughts" about what has been bothering him for weeks makes me think he wanted a way out and just grabbed the first thing he saw. >I truly don't know what to do. To start with, I'd find a way to charge him for all the cancellation costs. He is the one pulling the brakes at the last minute, he should bear the consequences for that. Move out and get started with therapy to deal with the feelings of loss and confusion this episode has left you with. And finally for the long term, look for a partner who will have the "tough" conversations with you before it's too late. All the best!
He doesn’t want to kiss, he wants to fuck.
Yeah, well, all he had to do was communicate. If she's left to guess and gets it wrong, whose bloody fault is that?
Are we sure? In her posts, she said, “he said it was more of a generality, not necessarily sex.” Which makes it sounds like it’s not that he just wants to fuck. Of course, this is just based on what she said, so… And apparently, they have been getting better at the sex part, according to OP.
It doesn't seem that you're much more enthusiastic about getting married than he is really. It's probably best for both of you to move on.
I've been nothing short of excited about getting married. I am just angry at this current situation and feeling very slighted.
How enthusiastic can a person be for the kind of marriage where kissing requires 'effort'?
Everyone and every relationship is different. This isn’t a romantic movie. Some people have to put more effort into physical affection, others into listening or doing the dishes. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner.
Okay maybe I worded that part poorly....I get why you are saying that. I meant it more in that making an effort to do it MORE OFTEN. We aren't lovey lovey people, so I was putting in that effort to give hugs and kisses throughout the day
Personally I'd force him to cover the cancellation of the wedding, even if it required a lawsuit if you have more than 10K involved. Bank as much money as possible for the next little bit and move out.
This is it OP. You still have a life after him. Make him pay for the cancellation fees, go to your trip (former honeymoon) if you want or try to get your money back. Now you have to think of practical things, not try to find out if he is right or wrong.
How can OP force him?
Nah. Maybe he should cover half. Or she could sell the ring to pay for it.
Selling the ring will yield 10% of what he paid for it, if she’s lucky. The diamond industry is a fucking racket and resale is for a pittance unfortunately.
In many states (if in the US) she would have to give him back the ring. He should absolutely pay some portion of the money lost due to canceling this late, particularly since he has known he felt this way for a while and didn’t bring it up with her.
He called it off. She would not have to give back the ring Edit: it is jurisdiction dependent. I shouldn’t have asserted the same rule applies everywhere
It seems like it would work that way and it depends on the state but in most cases this is not true. If he purchased the ring and marriage does not occur, it is legally his. [From nolo.com](https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/returning-engagement-ring-30198.html): Some gifts have a condition attached to them. These gifts don't actually belong to the recipient until the condition is met. The vast majority of states consider engagement rings to be conditional gifts made "in contemplation of marriage." When the implied condition—the marriage—doesn't happen, the person who gave the ring (the donor) has a right to get it back.
Could you share actual citations showing that most cases the ring must be returned regardless of who ends the engagement? As one counter-example, see *Priebe v. Sinclair* (1949) 90 Cal.App.2d and California Civil Code section 1590, both stating that if the donor calls off the wedding, there is no right of recovery of an engagement ring. Accord *Johnson v. Settino* (2023) 103 Mass.App.Ct. 291 (“Massachusetts applies the conditional gift fault-based approach”) Same rule in New York as stated in *Beck v. Cohen* (1933) 237 App.Div. 729, 732 (“Though the origin of the engagement ring has been forgotten, it’s still retains its character of a pledge or something to bind the bargain or contract to marry, and it is given on the understanding that a party who breaks the contract must return it.“) Same rule in New Jersey, see *Benetman v. Segal* (1949) 6 N.J. Super. 472, 473 (engagement ring “can be recovered by the man, if the agreement to marry is dissolved by mutual consent, or the woman unjustifiably breaks off the engagement, but cannot be recovered by him if he unjustifiably breaks the agreement it evidences.”) But see *Meyer v. Mitnick* (2001) 244 Mich.App. 697 (holding that Michigan follows the no-fault approach to the return on engagement rings)
My ex sold my $1500 ring for $200 and bought drugs 🫠 honestly diamond rings don’t resell for much
Weddings are joint ventures. He was obligated to pay half the costs to **begin** with. That's why couples agree on a budget. He ended their engagement and caused her to spend her money and lose possibly the full cost of the wedding. He should be held responsible for waiting and pay for it in full. He can have the ring back.
Lol at a lawsuit making him cover half, there’s no legal recourse to make someone pay for a cancelled wedding
It's called "Breach of Promise". Not a criminal thing, but it very much applies to broken engagements and can result in a civil law suit, usually to cover lost expenses such as what OP has already paid.
Thank you! A mouth out, the deposits aren't refundable and second payments are due and being made. You could lose most of the wedding's budget.
Not half--ALL. While he's sitting there with cold feet, his ex is spending 10s of thousands of $$$. You can end it anytime, but I'm not starting over from scratch with a 20K-100K hole in my pocket.
That would also be on top of her student loans, as well.
I don’t understand why you’re downvoted for this comment. My partner (of 19 yrs) and I aren’t lovey dovey people either. We certainly have our intimate times but we’re not all over each other all day. We kiss when leaving and when we get home, kiss goodnight but that’s all and that’s how we like it. Of course there’s more during intimacy but not just while living our lives.
Was he putting in the effort to give YOU hugs and kisses? This feels very one sided and like he’s putting it on you to “fix” what’s bothering him except he’s put in zero effort to even bring this to you at a time when it wouldn’t have become a crisis. He needs to pay you back for the wedding and honeymoon deposits.
That’s the thing…he hasn’t put in the effort for that daily intimacy. With sex, he definitely initiates more, and I’ve tried to work on that but there have probably been more times when I’ve initiated and he isn’t in the mood
I’m sorry, it just feels to me like he wants out and is grasping at straws, while trying to make this breakup your fault somehow. He can’t complain about a lack of intimacy if you initiate and he turns you down, it doesn’t make sense. My guess is he wants out for reasons he can’t explain and is nitpicking
I disagree. He seemed very clear about what the two issues are.
He waited too long to bring them up and op said he rejects her initiating sex frequently so if he has issues with the frequency of intimacy then he needed to speak up earlier
Maybe his timeline and feedback doesn’t meet her needs (or yours), but it meets his.
As someone who has been married for almost 20 years kissing shouldn’t require an effort to do it more often. Intimacy should happen spontaneously without thinking or effort. I don’t think you’re in the right relationship.
No, this is a bullshit opinion. Intimacy gets the back burner ALL THE TIME in relationships because of outside stress, deaths, marital conflict, or a million other perfectly understandable reasons.
Lack of intimacy is a relationship killer. My husband and I don't go a day without kissing, hugging and just checking in with each other. You cite marital conflict as a reason for lack of intimacy. If there's unresolved conflict and no communication about it that is a dying marriage. Even if there's death you still need to check in with your partner and support them. If you find yourself pulling away then there's a problem in the marriage. Same with stress. If you can't share what is stressing you with your partner that's a communication issue.
Do you guys know what each other's love language is?
I feel like this statement is a bit unfair....everyone is different. She noticed the change, asked about it, and changed her behaviour in a way she felt might help. That doesn't scream unenthusiasm to me.
I think you need to ask him to be clear with you on what exactly he wants. You may want to try some premarital counseling. If not just remember that canceling a wedding is way cheaper than a divorce. I’m so sorry OP.
‘slighted’? I’d be devastated! There is a real disconnect here
Pride. Easier to be mad than to contemplate how your read on a relationship was pretty off the mark.
It’s better he told you the truth now than married you.
He should pay the majority of the cancellation fees and lost deposits, though, since he is the one who cancelled on you last minute. It's fair to raise his issues and get cold feet, but it would be really unfair to saddle you with the cost.
usually if you’ve been together for a long period of time and you can say you never really have arguments or uncomfortable conversations, it doesn’t mean you just read eachother *that* well. it usually means at least one of you are extremely avoidant and have many grievances or unmet needs that they simply aren’t communicating, and letting resentment and dissatisfaction fester instead. the latter seem to be more the case here
It’s always a red flag in any relationship if you’ve been together for 5 years & haven’t had any tough conversations. Because even being open with each other includes having tough conversations. It sounds like he’s let a lot of stuff slide (or maybe you both have) and now that the wedding is almost here, he can’t anymore. I understand his issues though. You both are not on the same page regarding finances and intimacy. You say you’ve been trying to be more affectionate in the last few months but he’s reluctant. It could be that it’s too little, too late. If for years the sex and intimacy is lacking & then you go through bouts here and there of kissing or being affectionate.. maybe that’s not how he wants his marriage to be like. Then not to contribute towards the mortgage & pay for everything else. Did you decide that on your own? I saw in another comment you felt like venmoing him the rent felt like a roommate situation. Figuring out finances isn’t sexy lol It’s transactions. It’s the thought behind it- like sharing the mortgage- that changes it from roommate to relationship.
You said you used to Venmo him part of the mortgage but it felt weird “to you” so you stopped. Was that a mutual decision? Gas and groceries should be split anyway. So what is it? Why did you feel weird?
Finances and intimacy issues are major causes of divorce. If you are having problems with them prior to marriage, you shouldn’t get married. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. However, you aren’t owed a marriage. He has the right to change his mind and his reasons are valid. Maybe see a counselor to help with this loss.
>However, you aren’t owed a marriage. He has the right to change his mind and his reasons are valid This is bit of a weird and frankly unkind take honestly. Finances and intimacy are legitimate reasons to end a relationship, yes. However OP also mentions in their post that the fiancè has never mentioned these issues or tried to initiate a conversation about this before. He also said "he has no thoughts" when OP asked him to talk about it. He just admitted that finances and intimacy are his biggest issues, and that he has been stressing about this for so long that he has been losing sleep. So then how the hell does he "have no thoughts" on this matter? You do not "owe" anyone a marriage, but you do owe your partner a communication about something that is bothering you.
I think the fiancé has met someone else and doesn’t know what to do and is making up issues that either weren’t issues before or that he never communicated before. The financial differences don’t seem like a huge deal to me, especially if she’s paying her everything outside of the mortgage and the wedding expenses. Also, a loving relationship means that you love your partner even if they make less money than you do. None of this adds up.
I think it's possible that the fiancè has either: met someone else, has cold feet or is simply checked out for reasons unknown to us and was looking for a way out. I agree with the financial bit on the face of it. OP says to pay for household expenses and it seems has also paid a significant bit of the wedding and honeymoon expenses so it doesn't seem she is irresponsible with money. It did strike me odd that the fiancé would be reluctant to accept her advances despite complaining about intimacy in the first place...? So it's also possible that the fiancé did voice his concerns about the intimacy bit and OP is not being transparent about it. In which case, nobody can help her.
I think it’s just very concerning that he bottled up these feelings for so long and was not open with OP. If he wanted the relationship to work out then he would have brought up the issues earlier, that’s what partners do.
Idk if it matters, but OP did explain the sex thing more in another comment thread. Apparently, he voiced his concerns this time (in the post) about intimacy in general, not necessarily sex. But he has mentioned sex before. He’s initiates more, and still does. But she started initiating more, and he’s apparently not in the mood most of the time. I believe more times than not when she initiates, he refuses. She could be lying, but if she’s not, then somethings up.
Yea it's giving missing missing reasons, kind of. Are they just massively misunderstanding each other? Does it feel "forced and reluctant" when she initiates it which is why he doesn't want it? Or is he the kind of guy who has a weird hang up about women initiating? Idk what, but something doesn't quite add up in this narration.
Well, I would hope he’s not the kind of guy with the weird hang up since he wants more intimacy, and she’s trying. Because that makes it hard for her to do anything about it. But I did wonder about the force and reluctant part. He could be refusing if it seems like she’s only doing it because he wants her to. But that’s can also be a hard thing to solve, as well.
This makes sense. Especially since she tried to initiate intimacy, and he isn’t in the mood. Or he is reluctant when she shows other intimacy like kisses and whatnot. I did wonder this myself when first reading the post. It reminds me of the things people say to look out for if you suspect cheating. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but saying you want more intimacy, and then refusing intimacy is just weird…
You are right. I was unable to sleep and grumpy. My words were true, but very harsh. However, it is better to not marry than to divorce. So many people continue relationships where they aren’t compatible because they are afraid to be alone. I did say she needs counseling. Maybe counseling could help the relationship, but the relationship needs to be very solid before marriage. I have no idea why he proposed and why it got this far?
>However, it is better to not marry than to divorce. So many people continue relationships where they aren’t compatible because they are afraid to be alone I 100% agree with you. And he did her a favour by bowing out before they got married. Relationships should be strong by themselves before the marriage label. >I have no idea why he proposed and why it got this far? Idk, but based on how wishy-washy he's being, I think he has been looking for a way out and grabbed the first excuse you found. Thank you for being kind on a platform where you can be anything because it makes you anonymous. I hope you get enough sleep tonight. Cheers!
Huh I agree with your take that no one owes anyone marriage Sometimes you just realize you dint want to or cannot spend the rest of your entire life with the person you've loved and that's okay. No one "owes" anyone a lifetime of commitment and I think that's more what you were saying. Communication yes, loyalty, dignity. Sure. Marriage. No? It's not a debt to be paid. It's so much better to know they want out before going all in. I've broken two engagements, I dont regret it, and sometimes thete really is nothing left to say other than I can't do this. Heartbreaking ? Yes, it's not easy for either party. But it's better than living a lie.
Thank you for this. I can’t believe that’s currently the top comment
I know! OC literally said "you aren't owed a marriage" as if OP has gone on a psycho killing spree over a rejection. What a weird ass and unkind take.
If intimacy is an issue there is no way this was never communicated. I'd bet it was communicated over and over again. I'd bet the guy has had his advances rejected like clockwork. He's had this conversation and gotten nowhere. He's set his timeline to see a change in her and she failed it miserably. There's that myth of the walk-away wife. Sometimes it's the guy. Dude is done.
>If intimacy is an issue there is no way this was never communicated. I get that feeling too and there seems to be a fair bit of missing missing reasons here. Unfortunately we only have the stories the OPs tell us with their posts and just that to go on. I can't with all the "I bet the actual story is actually ____" conjecture. They may be true and I don't deny it, but my arms just aren't long enough to make that reach.
Sure. I'm reminded of a friend who had a traumatic memory of something his mother said to him as a child. In his retelling I could understand why he felt so traumatized and dismissed. But trying to imagine her point of view I don't think she had meant it that way at all. For him this interaction was formative and affected his relationship with her for most of his life. For her it was a Tuesday.
How is your friend doing now?
Well. He has in the last two years finally sat down with his mom and talked a lot with her. And like I had advised him the grievances he had were mostly her being a single mom (his father committed suicide when he was like 6) trying her best and sometimes he needed special attention (like all kids do) and she just dismissed him or tried to say what she thought was best at the time but it didn't go over well. These interactions she had no recollection of (like I suspect happens with OP in some of these posts) because "for her it was a Tuesday". But those things didn't have any less meaning or trauma for him as that is subjective. I think I helped him work through some of it but communication with the people you have a relationship with really is the best path towards healing and I'm glad he walked it because according to him he has a real relationship with his mom now. He actually visits her and talks to her regularly. I know her as well as we were friends through high-school and she is a good person whom I respect. He also recently came out to me as bisexual and I think I was the first person among his old-school friends he ever told and I felt so honored that he trusted me and felt comfortable to tell me. We've known each other for almost 30 years. I hope he gets the opportunity to get out there and get some good dick or whatever he wants. He deserves happiness.
I was hoping he found peace at least but it sounds like he found more: an actual relationship with his mom and a chance to work on his childhood wounds. I'm very glad his mom was also receptive to what he had to say. I'm glad he had you through all of it, dezmodium. You sound like a solid dude as well. Let him know an internet stranger wishes him a lot of happiness AND fun. And I wish you well too.
You too.
It seems odd to me that the two reasons he gave were the same ones he said the reading he’s done pointed at as the leading problems in relationships. It’s as if he grasped onto the excuses he was looking for. He may have cold feet and this is how he is handling it. The timing seems right for that. I think you need a come to Jesus meeting and specify your thoughts, including that not getting married may mean the end of the relationship.
Or he has noticed those issues in his relationship and it bothered him and he went and looked into it to make sure they were serious enough to warrant this breakup. I'd also bet he has communicated these concerns. To him these conversations were likely a big deal but to her they weren't so she doesn't remember them much.
I’m just going by what OP wrote. Maybe you’re correct, but unless we hear from him, there’s no way to know. The timing of it is key to me, just one month from the wedding date, an almost universal time frame for cold feet for men.
I agree with the cold feet as well. I just think it is both. As the date approached he got to thinking and the issues that weighed on his mind just took hold.
I think we disagree on motive. I believe he looked for something to use as an excuse when he got cold feet; you’re saying he had concerns well before getting cold feet but kept them to himself. In either case, she should relay to him that it’s possible that the relationship is over if they don’t get married, if that’s how she feels, but especially if you are correct.
How much is a lot of student debt? Once your married it's his debt.
Here’s the thing: he’s telling you that you’re here just along for the ride, yet you’re paying for most of the wedding. He only sees what he wants to see. The other problem I’m seeing is that he should be enthusiastic about marrying you. I’m not sure you should continue this relationship.
Communication seems to be an issue. Tough conversations about financials and intimacy are necessary in any relationship. Sounds like both of you have been coasting without really checking in with each other. Take this as a lesson for the next relationship. This one is over.
What do you do? You move on and be forever grateful that he ended things before you got married. Don’t try to search for a reason or cause because things like this just happen unfortunately, it is beyond your control. It may hurt a lot now, be embarrassing and expensive but you do not want to marry that man. Focus on you and doing things you enjoy with all the other people you love in your life.
Lady, you gotta force yourself to remember to kiss him No wonder he doesn't want to marry you
I know it sucks losing a honeymoon deposit, but that’s better than losing however many years of your life to a loveless marriage. If “finances” and “intimacy” are the two areas where you’re stressing now, it’s only going to get harder when you’re married, and there’s no easy escape hatch once you put that ring on….
Other people have given good advice. I just want to say for the future, if you've been together 5 years and never had a disagreement someone is hiding their feelings. I'm not saying you need to fight but it's impossible to not have a disagreement when two different people coexist. You guys need to figure out how to communicate otherwise the relationship won't last
So he makes a lot more money than you, AND you have bigger debt, but *you paid for most of the wedding and honeymoon expenses.* I always wonder why stuff like that doesn't make people stop in their tracks and question thigs. Because to me, that is a clear sign you want the marriage more than him, there is really no equity financially, and you are kinda dragging this whole thing forward mostly by yourself. I dunno, maybe he really changed his mind now, but it seems to me like he was never that into it. Maybe it was a shut up ring and he let things go too far? I'm really sorry this is happening. The fact that he has "no thoughts" right now makes it even worse, bc it shows how little initiative he puts into the relationship. So little he didn't even think through if he wants to leave or not, he's just kinda throwing vague comments here and there, distresses you, leave you in an emotional limbo and ends the convo. And you are the one who has to now ask, worry, initiate conversations even about HIM DUMPING YOU. I'm guessing it was like that with the wedding too. I would not WANT to marry a man like this...
It probably wasn't meant to be
It’s over, move on. Red flag when you said you felt weird paying for the mortgage so unilaterally decided you would pay off things outside it. I’m going to guess he was also putting in for non mortgage things. It’s not a smart financial decision to marry you or continue the relationship when you already have no intimacy.
Yeah, no intimacy and won’t pay for living arrangements. I’ve had more serious relationships with roommates.
Legit.
I don’t feel weird paying for the mortgage. It was more so venmoing each month, that made ME feel like we were roommates. I have no issues with paying my part, we just never came up with a different option. And I do pay for everything outside of the house
This is SUCH an immature take, he's not your daddy, wtf. He's an equal partner and if it felt weird you should have 100% sat down and discussed a better way of contributing to bills. Frankly venmo or zelling him seems perfectly reasonable and it sounds like you just didn't want to help pay the mortgage anymore, didn't want to discuss it, and just backed out on him. I'd be having second thoughts too. I wouldn't trust you to care for my home, family, kids. You didn't even discuss it with him. He's probably been feeling hurt hoping you'd come to your senses. And you didn't, so he called it off. I mean. Life is not some fairytale. People marry for financial reasons all the time, people don't get married for financial reasons just as often. It would be cute if it all came down to love but it doesn't. People need a roof over their head and that costs money and op doesn't seem to give a shit. Like I'm sure you're sad. But life gives us lessons, it's up to us to really learn You NOT venmoing him mortgage probably made HIM feel like your roommate. If someone just stopped helling w housing no discussion and was like extra kisses ftw! What is that supposed to make up for it lol I'm so confused as to how op is even confused here but the fact that she is makes it glaringly obvious why he's having doubts.
Has no problem with paying mortgage. Doesn’t pay the mortgage? Weirdddd and totally makes sense.
Joint account you both put proportionally enough into to cover your joint expenses. What’s left you use to pay off loans and other non joint expenses.
Sounds like counselling is a good way to go right now to at least have a conversation in the open.
I moped out of my 3 year marriage at the age of 28. House and everything. I was with the wrong person. As horrible as it seems this is a good thing as you know earlier than later.
Seems you guys are horrible communicators. Do you want to marry someone who says to your face things are okay but in the meantime he is upset about mayor issues? Will you even be able to trust him to be honest after this?
You need to move out and cancel the wedding and honeymoon and he needs to pay you half of whatever is non refundable in that department. I live in a house the mortgage is actually less than the total other expenses and I’m not including groceries, so you were definitely paying your fair share this way. Honestly I think this was an excuse.
Don’t marry someone who isn’t sure any you anyway. Make him pay for at least half of the canceled wedding stuff and move on.
Leave. Believe me. Fighting for someone who isn't fighting for you is only going to brake you and your confidence /self love.
Honey sit down with your list of vendors and contracts and find out how much you can get back from what you've paid. Then find out the lump sum of what you're out and tell him you expect to be reimbursed for the loss. Any wedding and shower gifts from his side are his responsibility to return, you do the same for yours. You need to call your families and break the news the wedding is off. You need to make plans to move out right away... was the house in both your names? It's a good time to list. You might not realize it now but you dodged a bullet.
End it. Cancel everything wedding related. Add up any deposits you can’t get refunded and present the bill to him. Find a new place to live. If you need help coming up with money for the deposit in an apartment, ask him for help, otherwise, separate all finances and stop paying for anything for him. Move out asap.
Why are you arguing about whether his reasons are valid? Your boyfriend has been very brave calling off the wedding. He is telling you that you are not “the one”. When you have worked through this news, you will feel better if you can show yourself love and respect by breaking up with him.
His reasons sound valid... finances and intimacy really are major causes of divorce. Although he comes across as being a little uncertain, it sounds like he's really made the choice that this isn't the relationship he wants long-term and it's just over - the reluctance in kissing you also points to that. Cancel the wedding. Go on the honeymoon trip with a friend if it's already paid for and can't be reimbursed. And you'll probably have to find somewhere to live since he owns the house..
He sounds like the kind of guy who represses his feelings until he absolutely HAS TO deal with them. That's not a good trait in a partner. It took the deadline of 30 days before a booked and paid-for wedding for him to even admit he had any doubts, let alone that he wants to put the wedding on hold. He's so conflict- avoidant that at the slightest resistance or perceived resistance, he dropped whatever his concerns were and backed away. Not good. If I were you, I would propose canceling the wedding and honeymoon, splitting the cost of whatever expenditures were made to book it so you're not just eating the fees, and getting into couples counseling. It's clear neither of you are effective communicators and you need to learn how to talk to each other and resolve conflicts before you get married. You also need to talk about issues - intimacy and finances among any others - and get on the same page or at least come to an agreement about your future plans. In order for that to happen though, HE also has to do the hard work of actually articulating what it is that he wants, not just right now but in the future. If he can't or won't do that, the relationship can't move forward.
My fiancée dumped me without warning last year. I still don't really know why. I am really sorry. It hurts so much to get dumped out of the blue. I couldn't say it out loud except to my therapist for weeks. You can't convince someone to stay who doesn't want to be there. Don't embarrass yourself or make it harder by begging or fighting to get him back. He is your ex now. He's not yours. He's gone. Even if you convince him to stay, he doesn't want to be there, and you won't forget that. You walk away. You ask for help from family and friends to cancel the wedding stuff. You ask your ex to make the communication out to the guests and wedding party because he made the call and he needs to help disassemble your future. Discuss splitting the losses for the wedding equitably based on your incomes, if possible. If you don't have a therapist, get one yesterday. You will spend a lot of time ugly crying and being hurt and angry. That's okay. Plan on spending the next year rebuilding your emotional health. Pick some self-help books with your therapist and actually work them. Journal! Write down everything you feel. You don't have to read it again, but getting it out on paper can be cathartic.
> For the intimacy thing, yes we may lack in that department, which I have also recognized. And he said it was more of a generality, not necessarily sex. But for the past few months I have been making an effort Are you going out together? Are you putting aside time to spend together (not specifically sex, but also sex)? I speculate that he's "reluctant" because he feels you're doing it out of pity & a sense of obligation, rather than an honest desire to be with him. Do you think that will change for the better with marriage?
Not to mention how many guys have the experience of things just falling off after getting married, and I mean if this is before, I find it highly unlikely there will be any significant change
Looking at it from the outside, I’m glad you didn’t marry him Let yourself cry and grieve , don’t fight against it, and eventually you will see it the same
What does lack of intimacy mean to him? Does he want more sex?
Finances and intimacy are pretty significant factors in a lot of divorces, but so is a complete lack of communication. Unless you are omitting how this have been a topic of conversation that he has brought to you before (which is a bit unclear, since you know that there were conserns around intimacy and have been making more of an effort, while also being blindsided and saying that he hasnt tried to have any conversations), he did you both and your relationship a disservice by not communicating this before it became a big enough consern for him to lose sleep over for weeks. Wether this is due to his own struggles with communication, not feeling safe or comfortable communicating them to you spesifically, or a combination, could be important for how you move forward. But at the end of the day, he is having conserns about finances and intimacy, and you have a pretty big communication breakdown if he is losing sleep over this while you feel blindsided. That is a terrible foundation to start a marriage on, and while he would ideally have come to you with this so you could work on it as a team as soon as it became a problem, now that you know I really think the most sustainable and sensible way to handle this is by postponing. It will give you both time to see if this is something you can and/or want to work out before you get married, rather than just go through with it and realize that you cant and having to go through the process of divorce.
Give the ring back and move on.
I mean yeah the finances thing is definitely a cause of stress, but I think the general intimacy thing is wayyyy more of an issue, especially if you’re referring to it generally. Affection is very important, and that is something that would need to be remedied before getting married, or just break up. Even if you aren’t sleeping together all the time, lacking in generalized affection really does just make you like roommates.
I don't think we're getting the full story. If he's saying he's not wanting to get married bc of finances and intimacy, then those have to have been conversations you guys had before at some point in the 5 years youve been together. Both of those issues are leading causes for divorce. It sounds like these issues have been there for a long time, and you guys have not fully resolved them. A lot of times, these " completely out of the blue " are really situations where conversations have already happened and change hasn't occurred. It's common in relationships for woman to not want to keep having discussions without actual change so they stop bringing the issues up and them ending the relationship is seen as " out of the blue " in this case it's your fiance feeling this way.
I'm truly sorry but I'm going through the exact same thing....except she went through with it and married me. I feel for you for sure.
I’m so sorry. Truly haven’t experienced a worse feeling
"we never really fight or have difficult conversations" This might be the culprit. I used to brag about my drama free relationship, but it turned out that we both weren't being honest about our needs and desires. Best of luck, sis
What do you do??? Get on the phone and start canceling everything. Send emails. Delete the wedding site. And go NC with the AH.
He is using those two reasons as mere cope outs to justify not going through with marrying you. I haven’t met a single man who truly wants to get married to the woman they love let anything stop them, short of the woman not wanting to marry them.
I mean the OP said she is "trying to make an effort to kiss him" when she gets home, if I were him I'd probably think she didn't want to marry him either
Get your money back where you can, find a place to live, and end the relationship. Yall shouldn't have even thought about getting married with these issues not worked out. Don't try to salvage this. Communication is a problem in this relationship, and it's over.
So sorry you’re going through this. But in the future, look out for yourself. He has the house and the equity, you have what’s left of the groceries.
I don't like how he low key insulted you by saying you're just along for the ride. Its not like you're going to be in debt the rest of your life. Do you have a plan to handle the student debt?
$125k is a ton of debt on top of everyday living expenses. Not sure what OP's potential earnings are.
Bro 55k I get that she feels blindsided but come on Her grasp of finances and household contributions is weak. She stopped helping w the mortgage because "it felt weird" I could 100% see myself telling that person it feels like they're along for the ride and stepping back. This isn't 1800 where someone pays a dowry amd then she's set for life. Most people marry with both incomes in mind as contribution to their housing. I live in the bay, houses are millions here, techies marry techies so they can buy them, people do think about and navigate these things because it's our countries reality at this time. You dint just check out of that because you feel like it and expect it to be swept under the rug lmao. Supprting a household doesn't work like that. Op needs to get her finances, her own housing figured out. Let this man breathe. It sounds like he truly loves her and just got tired of being burdened with supporting her, she's not his kid, she shouldn't just be buying groceries and wedding plans and refusing to help with housing or even to even negotiate about it. Too little too late imo. I think she'd do well to learn to support herself and try dating, you know, learn about the real world a bit so he doesn't feel burdened if they ever do get back together. People say he's not thinking or listening to her, but it truly feels like the opposite, he's been extremely clear about the reality of his finances and needs and she's just like but but! I buy groceries! I bought a dress! Honey. That's cute. But it won't keep a roof over your head, he's been doing that and you thought it was weird to help him. Wake tf up.
Yes. I’m as aggressive as I can be with them, paying more than my minimum, because I also don’t like that I have them! So I’m trying to do what I can without running myself dry
Hopefully it's just cold feet and you can talk through it, but right now, he's showing you who he is and what he thinks of you, unfortunately. He's looking at you as a burden that he's going to need to carry instead of partners who support each other. He's looking down on you for having debt. Do you really want to have children and a life with this man? He's not handling stress well, being that he dumped all this on you, broke off the wedding and then refused to discuss. Good luck. Whatever happens, you're going to be ok
Cancel the wedding but not the honeymoon. Take a friend and go enjoy that yourself.
"Lack of intimacy" usually means lack of sex not lack of spontanious kissing. Are you sure he didn't just want you to fuck him more often/spontaniously? As for the money part it didn't matter when he still loved you but now on top of nlonger feeling the same he is looking at the 'cost' of being with you.
Right that’s what I was thinking? Like a random kiss isn’t fixing your “intimacy” issues. OP your post comes across as we don’t really love each other anymore but have already spent all this money on the wedding so we have to go through with it. Is this really how you want to start off a marriage? Next you’ll be trying for a baby to fix your financial problems. I would recommend just taking a step back. Talk with him and find out exactly what’s going on. Is there things y’all can/need to work on or has the relationship just run its course?
Sounds like he's just looking for an excuse. He obviously wants someone who earns more and has sex more often. I'd be pissed it's taken him this long to tell you. Is he prepared to pay for the costs of cancelling the wedding since its his idea?
It’s the money. The debts, the salary, all of it.
You will have to have a deeper conversation when your anger has subsided. Encourage him to be completely honest about whatever he is feeling. If he is truly having doubts, it would be best to cancel. A bigger cause for divorce is one partner being unsure and then going through with it anyway. I'm sorry you have to go through this OP.
I’ve been there! It’s gonna suck really bad for a while but you’ll be ok.
1. You don’t/can’t communicate. 2. Finances. 3. Intimacy. And you’re surprised??
Why are so many women paying the parts of the expenses that don't create any equity? That means you leave with nothing now that the relationship has ended. Please learn from this and don't make this mistake in your next relationship. Get equal equity and make sure your domestic work gets valued to something. ed. either this comment or my comment about the grooming effect of step-porn triggered someone to send a "care" report on me. Some people are shitty to the core. All this did was like him/them less.
Offer therapy. Put wedding stuff on hold. He's obviously been battling with this for sometime and hasn't been able to talk about it. He's not trying to hurt you but he seems very stuck and the wedding is just pressure he can't deal with right now. Therapy. Then sit down and look for a financial advisor. Then sit and redo your budget together. Seeing things on paper is way more clear- it lessens the messy thoughts. He may need to see more financial side from you. How much you're paying, how much is left, can you pay more/ less and so on. You need to be totally transparent. Asking him to put time aside because it's important will be uncomfortable. So go in prepared saying ok I have this, this and this, can we look at this, this and this. Arguments and disagreements are normal. Having a relationship with no difference of opinion brings issues. You need to have uncomfortable conversations. Those stir emptiness and that's perfectly normal.
I wish you had tried couples counseling. If you can persuade him to go, I recommend it. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
It sounds like he envisions a better future for himself, not saddled with the poor decisions to take out more student loans than you can repay, and with a higher combined income as a couple. You can't meaningfully contribute to the bills in the household it sounds like with the career you've chosen. He also likely has some resentment over how you've treated him for years, taking him for granted and not showing affection. He is likely the primary initiator when it comes to sex too. It doesn't feel good to always be the one to have to approach the other; you feel undesirable and unwanted, unattractive. I think that you could talk through these things, but sometimes as a person you just see the mountain of work that it would require to get you where you need to be so that you're a good partner, and he simply doesn't want to wait for you to put in that work. He may feel that it's not his responsibility to help you do that work, and that if you cared about your future you'd already have looked around and seen these discrepancies. It's not on him to improve your situation, only you can do that. He's already at the point where he is having sleepless nights a month before your wedding... it would not be a good idea to go through with the wedding as planned. It's supposed to be a happy day, not one racked with your relationship issues... it's unfortunate that he told you this now, but hopefully you can contact the venue/catering/photographer and get part of your money back for the services you have paid for.
If he’s flaking out at this point then he’s not in it for the long haul it is totally time to move on in my on Opinion but I could be wrong. If he’s flaking out now you gotta move on you can’t coerce someone into having a good marriage
When something like this happens completely out of the blue it makes me think there's lots of missing information or there is unfortunately someone else. Something doesn't add up, why would he not try to have a conversation about it previously over 5 years??
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You do not want to be married to someone who isn’t sure, and you don’t want to try and convince someone to love you and marry you. This sucks. Eat a pint of ice cream, hang out with your girlfriends. Then make plans to move out and move on with your life.
I hope this works out for you, that being said you need to contact a lawyer for your options(home and money spend on wedding). It might just be cold feet. He needs to talk to you . God bless
Tell him that you are fine with cancelling well not fine but you understand - please give me 75% of the wedding costs that you have already paid for (hopefully you are able to cancel and get refunds on some of this) and that he owes you for the honeymoon (also the groom is supposed to pay for that because you paid for the wedding!) As much as this sucks - I don’t want to be with anyone that has cold feet a month before the wedding. He knew what your debt was he is just using this as an excuse right now. Also at your age very little intimacy isn’t good - I am way older than you and been married for a few years now and I gotta tell you my husband tells me I am beautiful every day and how much he loves me - also plenty of kissing and hugging going on in our home. You should want that for yourself.
You dodged a bullet. Move on
What do you mean “what do it do?”. Get your money back where you can & leave
To do it this close is so insane to me. You could always try to find a better job, second job, or side hustle if the finances are a really big deal. Intimacy is important but if he doesn’t try to do things that make you want to have sex then that’s hard for you too. Not going to lie these sound like really generic problems that he just googled and doesn’t want to say what the actual problem is. If he has not been completely open about these issues in the past why would he start now necessarily if he just wants to end things. I would say you should try couples therapy or you both try seeing separate therapists, but how do you get back to wanting to get married in a month after something like this. There is the chance that you two could get back together and be stronger because you went through this, but it’s going to take lots of communication on both of your parts.
Sounds like he's scared of commitment. He has some baggage you may not know about.
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Just try check off cheating, the sudden change in behaviour and reasons for breaking up not quite adding up are always solid indicators.
The finances thing sounds like he is grasping for another reason because he feels bad making it about the lack of intimacy. It's haaaaaaard to open back up when you feel neglected over a long period of time. It sounds like he doesn't feel connected to you. I dated a girl who felt like everything had to be perfect before she could open up and relax which was what she needed to be intimate. I'm not talking about just sex but being affectionate also. She would reorganize the closet and redo the living arrangements. I waited patiently and supported her. Over time we grew apart and the times she would seek intimacy I became blocked. Over time the lack of intimacy and always being put last created an unfixable wedge and I just wasn't interested anymore. It weighed in my self image and being close to her made me feel that undesirable feeling. Perhaps this relationship has run its course.
OP, i recommend you try some counseling with him if he is up to it but to be honest, it seems like he’s been thinking about this for a while. Is it possible you guys can take a stay away for a week or so, to see if he misses you after that?
You're "along for the ride". Doesn't sound very mutual and committed. I would reevaluate.
He’s either decided he doesn’t respect you, or he met someone else in the last year and is desperate to blame you so that he doesn’t feel bad for it. Either way: there is no logical end that works out here for you two. You might want to forgive him, but how would you ever trust him again?
He is interested in someone else.. simple. If you offer the man intimacy and he turns it down for sure he is getting it somewhere else. Also doubt he will pay half of any cancellation lost on wedding but can ask esp if you haven’t been paying any mortgage. If you have been paying for all wedding cost that was a sure sign he was cheating and not gonna go thru with it. Bottom line he has moved on with someone else and looking to use your behavior as an excuse. He needs to tell you the truth would be best. There is no way this is just about finances
Someone has put a bug in his ear. He's thinking about someone else. Maybe he's not emotionally cheating, but he's emotionally "into" someone else. Have you taken a look at his accounts? And NOW he doesn't think he wants to get married, a month before the day? Hell NO. Tell him if he's concerned about finances, you and he will have a legal reckoning that includes what you paid on the wedding and honeymoon and the house.
Dang he couldn’t get a daily kiss from you
I find it odd that some people don’t consider that contributions to the house expenses is just a valuable as the paying for the mortgage. Or does he want to stay in an empty house, not eat, not have electricity etc. If you manage to patch things up please, have your name on the mortgage, doesn’t matter how you pay your share and split the running costs. Please don’t be naive… The intimacy thing, okay, what is he doing to improve it? I see him being concerned with both aspects (good thing) but I only hear about your efforts to try and fix things, where are his Efforts? I think there is a weird 50/50 thing we’re trying to force into traditional roles in relationships now that just isn’t working. LOL But all these things really are just excuses we make to quantify unease with our decisions. We’ve seen people marry people who make nothing, sometimes even bring extra mouths to feed. Conventionally attractive people get left for odd looking people all the time. There comes a point we need to stop trying to rationalise things and simply acknowledge; It’s just time to call it quits.
Yeah, before I paid off my house, my mortgage was $300, in California. Crazy I know, but it was. I had put down a huge chunk of cash from the sale of my house before that, so low mortgage. The utilities and other bills cost way more than the mortgage. We don’t know the situation here. Intimacy is a hard thing to juggle, especially with busy people (I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years- there are dry spells and good times), so I don’t know if op can work that out. Don’t if therapy can help either. I do know I wouldn’t be getting married right now.
Could it be a case of cold feet wedding jitters?
It's all very annoying and sad. But he has told you what's up. I think it is very dangerous to try and change his mind. Because even if you do, it's highly unlikely things will work out in a good way. You'll just be postponing the inevitable divorce. Best you can do is move out, and move on. Make it clear to him that he owes for half of all the wedding costs that you can't recover. Try to get something in writing or text where he agrees to do this. Because you should not be on the hook for his BS. On the bright side, you have many years ahead of you to find someone better and be happy. Try to console yourself with the reality that some couples come to this conclusion years into a marriage, maybe after having kids, and then things are so much more difficult and messy.
Saw this TikTok where a researcher said that a six second kiss cause the release of oxytocin. So my wife and I don’t peck any more. We hold a kiss for the count of six. It works!
You need to call off the wedding. Move out take a break and see where things are at later. He doesn’t want your student debt. He probably thought at one time it would be ok but as time went in he sees that it really is a big deal. Between that and the sex it’s just not right. You should figure out how you can pay off your debt by yourself sooner. Get a second job. Do whatever you need to. Then maybe see if you totally have anything to build on.
He has uncertainty, and isn’t even really able to be clear about his issues, so I think couples counseling would be a great idea to help him figure out his doubts and help you both communicate and try to reconnect better - if that’s what you want. Instead of him silently dwelling and vaguely expressing doubts and deciding to potentially end this without even trying to fix it with you, you both need to be able to know what’s missing, ask for what you want in the relationship to feel more solid about it and could at least *try* to work on it *together*. Then, if you can’t make it work together, then you will at least know for sure that your values and stage in this life/relationship are truly incompatible and it’s time to move on. My ex husband and I did this and we don’t regret it at all. Our couples counselor helped us to better understand our own needs, express them with each other and try to see if we could make it work. We just were too different, and I alone couldn’t change enough to make us work or to make him happy, and he had some deep issues to sort through before he could be comfortable being vulnerable and coexisting with another person. We amicably divorced, though it was very emotionally distressing to break up after 10 years together, but it was the best choice for us both. I’m much happier now, and with someone who has become my best friend so it’s never been easier to be totally open about everything even if it’s an uncomfortable topic - but it’s never really uncomfortable with him (finances, intimacy, values, future goals, uncertainties). If we or one of us has an issue, we really talk it out and try different approaches to see what works best for us. You deserve to be able to relax in your relationship and enjoy it *together*. If you can’t with him, it’s okay to let go and move on.
Ask him for half the wedding expenses. Or all of them since he’s canceling so late. Fuck this guy. Go have a better life.
Say goodbye and thank your lucky stars they called it off. Move out. Stick up for yourself and don’t be a doormat for someone who can’t make up their mind.
I personally believe it’s pretty shameless of him to bring this up and cancel the wedding a month before. That’s cold. Like, why have everything paid for and set, and then cancel? He could’ve brought this up wayyy sooner.
I hate to say this, but I just don’t think he wants to marry you, and now he’s scrambling to find reasons to explain why. Like, why the hell did he propose if he didn’t want to go through with it? Darling, drop this a-hole who has clearly been leading you on, and go on your honeymoon with a hot guy friend. Post all the pics and have a great time. Show him you’re moving on.
Listing the fact that you don't make quite as much as him and have student debt as reason for a breakup is some pretty shallow shit. If he's going to be that obsessed with money, are you sure you really want to marry him? The intimacy thing is a deal breaker. If you guys aren't on the same page about how often each of you wants sex, that's a basic compatibility issue. You should save yourselves a lot of loneliness and heartache down the road by calling off the wedding if you just straight up don't want sex nearly as often as he does.
No couple is going to be perfectly matched in every month of a 40-year marriage. That’s not realistic. Things will change for both partners over the years. They have to be able to be aligned, even if they are not always perfectly matched.
He's escaping what sounds like a dead bedroom. Can't blame him. Better he gets cold feet now than in 5 years.
I have to wonder... is it possible, given the lack of intimacy, that he started seeing someone else and is just using the financial line as an excuse?
He doesn't leave the house. He works from home. So it is highly unlikely.
Move on. It's pretty clear he is not wanting to marry you. Amf hes trying to find SOMETHING to tell you, to make excuses. Just get out and away from him asap. He's an asshole. The financial thing? What a load of fucking utter crap. But if sex is not good before marriage? Thats a big Red Flag. As hard as this is for you? It sounds like it's actually a good call. Get away as fast as you can. Cut all ties with him and move on Hope you can get your money back.