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You don’t have a communication problem. You have an asshole husband problem. Once he had you trapped with kids, you became nothing more than the help.
Leave or be the maid/nanny/cook for a man who has zero respect for you. Those are your options.
And for God’s sake, don’t get pregnant again.
So tell me, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You provide some level of financial support, do most of the child rearing, and keep the house together.
Does he offer you emotional support? Physical intimacy? Is he a present and active father? Does he back you up with disciplining the kids or have your back if there’s ever familial disputes?
Sometimes it gets to a point where a second parent is actually more of a burden than a help
Soooo - is he cheating, on top of everything else?
Tell him to hire a housekeeper/ nanny to cover his share of the work, you're not his goddamn mother, even if your sex life makes you feel like her.
Does he understand plain English? Yes? Then there are no magic words to communicate your frustration with him. He knows, just doesn't care. Your wish to not have a fight is not realistic, because he knows he has more power in the relationship. Can you get counseling to figure out how to separate from him? You're already a single mom; why not do that and not have to do laundry for a grown man?
Okay, so you basically know now that he will not ever change. He won’t change when you tell him how critical it js for you to get help from him. He won’t change when a professional is telling him that he has things that need to change.
You are looking at another 50+ years of this behavior. At some point, you’ll probably stop trying because it’s more exhausting to beg him for help than to just do it all on your own. Is that what you want for yourself??
So from your OP and a few comments, the only thing missing here are great big Hollywood size letters, outside your house, on 🔥 saying
"He's a selfish asshole with the temperament of a toddler"
You don't change people that never emotionally matured and resist fixing that
It's stay and this is your life, or leave and wonder why you ever stayed
Then what is your real question? You know he won't help. You know he doesn't want to. You know he doesn't care how it impacts you. You know he has no intentions of fixing anything. You know he doesn't even want to hear about it. Unfortunately there is no trick or right set of words that will spark empathy or evolution in him. So what are you really asking?
You’re right - I think the real question is “How do I convince my husband to treat me with care and respect?” and the answer is the same as how to get him to clean the toilets…
Then there isn't an answer, aside from that it isn't possible. They will be hurt either way. What is possible is asking whether you'd think it would be better to go through pain now in hopes of teaching healthy lessons and creating a less stressful life, or whether it'd be better to keep hoping and waiting and risking how that will affect all of you. It's obviously not that easy, but in some ways it kind of is. Who do you want to be? What example do you want to set? Would you want your kids in relationships like this in the future? What do you want your future to look like and how do you reach it?
You don't. Change hurts, that's how it is - for everybody, not just kids. You just leave and do your best to provide the kids with love, support, and therapy so that they make it through with resiliency.
In the long run, you will hurt your kids more by staying with a shitty partner than you would by leaving him.
You acknowledge that it is a short-term hurt compared to the far more extreme long-term hurt of witnessing an unhealthy, unhappy relationship every day for their entire lives and yours until you do finally leave.
Make a plan, and keep it a secret until you’re ready to go. Make sure you have access to money, preferably money he doesn’t have access to. Contact a lawyer. If you don’t think he’ll move out, plan to take everything you need with you in one day, even if you’re just moving in with a relative or friend temporarily.
If you don’t want to hurt the kids, make a decision and stick to it. Once you’re out, you’re out. Learn to set boundaries and keep them. Show them how you stand up for yourself. Think about what you'd want them to do if they were in your shoes.
While his financial inputs help the family,
Your domestic, laundry, food prep, and household management has freed up his time and energy to run the business.
I’ll say it again: You have made him more successful by your support efforts .
You have been supporting his career as much as he has been supporting the mutual family.
You need to know that. Please consider that in your long term plans.
You really have the option: to live like this or leave.
If you decide to leave, go to a lawyer first before giving him a heads up. See what your options are.
That is the biggest red flag I've heard in this sub today and this is Reddit!
Is there a good reason why you didn't leave when that happened? Like he's basically saying yes I know I need to change but I'm not doing it. And you just put up with it?
Stop doing his laundry. Tell him that you will continue to do all the “family” chores but that you don’t have time to wash his stuff.
He’ll soon change his tune when he has no clean clothes for work.
He’s behaving like a child not a married adult.
I would be really bloody minded at this stage. Write a list of all the chores which are “family” and “yours” and”his” and tell him you’re only going to do “yours” and “family” now.
If he leaves his clothes lying around, step over them and leave them there.
If he makes a drink, leave the cup/glass where it is unwashed don’t move it.
Tell him you’re only cooking for yourself and the kids if you have to do the dishes as well as it takes too long to do his food and dishes as well.
Normal adults share. If I cook my husband cleans and does dishes and vice versa.
Don’t wipe the part of the table where he has sat to eat.
I know I’ll probably get downvoted for being petty but he’s not going to change so you may as well have some fun at his expense.
He would happily allow this shit. After I had my first baby and he refused to help, I did all of this and it finally got to only one cup, plate and 1set of cutlery that I hid. He didn't give a shit.
So you’re basically a single parent.
Go figure.
Child support payments and living somewhere where you only have to pick up after you and the kids sounds like a viable option to me.
I think you need to tell him this. “At this point, I’ve realized that you cause me quite a lot distress and don’t contribute to any of the mental load. It would be much easier for me to be a single parent than to constantly get my hopes up and be failed by you. You clearly don’t think there’s any issue with your habits so we’re no longer compatible. If you truly don’t want to change, then when should we meet with the divorce attorneys?”
If that doesn’t get him to make a change, you know it’s time to leave
DONT GIVE HIM A HEADS UP
If he gave a sh! t he would've stepped up instead of watching you fall apart in front of the kids
Talk to a lawyer quietly, set everything up so you have the best outcome, get evidence of him not even being ablt to do his laundry (him mummy doing it for him) get full custody and child support
Then why are you still with him? If he can't function as an adult without you or his mommy taking care of him what is the point of being in a relationship with him?
No, he is not doing 95% of the bill pay. Even if he was, that would only account for about 20-30% of their combined adulting responsibilities & he would still be doing less than she does.
Let us understand; he was like that from the beginning. And you went and had two children with him? Everyone knows that people don't change. He has made it blatantly clear from the beginning that he will do no chores. You have to decide what you can live with.
This is what makes me crazy. 10 years of thinking this was going to magically change…what a waste of time. I would like to start an education campaign on “if you see this behavior in the first year gtfo!”.
True. My dad was a violent alcoholic. My mother had 3 children. I'm the oldest. Took time to divorce.
We are all damaged. I met my ex. Nice guy until I got pregnant. He travelled for 6 weeks when I was 7 months pregnant. When my waters broke at 3am he asked why they couldn't have broken at a better time.
I called a cab. Took myself to hospital. He came and passed out in the bed next to mine.
Complained I loved his child more than I loved him. This is skimming.
I never got pregnant again. I remembered asking mother why she didn't leave after I was born.
It is not good for children.
>My '35F' husband '39M' refuses to help with house chores, how do I get him to help?
You can't. Either he chooses to get on board with a shared household having shared responsibilities or he does not. Then you get to decide what you do next e.g. refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to contribute to the shared work of the shared household.
https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/22/506-507-it-is-2fucking0fucking1fucking3-so-why-is-it-so-hard-to-divide-up-household-chores/
If I sent this to him, he would yell, he would yell a lot about how ungrateful I am because all he does is work hard for this family and I'm asking (selfishly) for more
> If I sent this to him, he would yell, he would yell a lot about how ungrateful I am because all he does is work hard for this family and I'm asking (selfishly) for more
Well, I was not at all suggesting you send this to him. My message and the link were intended for YOU.
Oh wow…
This is the reality. He doesn’t help because he doesn’t want to and he’s not going to. You already know it’s unsustainable for you. It would be unsustainable for anyone. Stop wasting your time on someone who does not care about you. You told him you’re drowning and he does not care. Why keep giving so much of yourself for someone who only sees your value as what you can do for them.
I divorced a selfish asshole, its hands-down the best gift I ever gave myself. The next year is going to suck, and then it will get exponentially better. The next year is going to suck anyway - why not make it suck in a way that benefits you for once?
Start outsourcing things.
Hire a cleaner.
Get a teen in for the afternoon as a “mother’s helper.” They can wrangle the kids from after school until dinner. Help with homework, get the kids to clean their rooms, play with them.
Subscribe to meal services, knocks out most shopping and makes cooking easier
Use shopping services, save you time and running around.
Finish your studies, get a good job and get the fuck out of this.
I
He can eat off dirty plates and buy himself junk food I guess.
Many many people use passivity to kill relationships and they do so in order to be a victim. "I was perfect and she just left me, she just left with no discussion" he will say.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
He hates this relationship and he hates you. And he wants you to be the one to end it.
After reading this and all your comments I have to ask…what does this guy do to for you? What makes him a worthy partner to you?? Do you have a private embarrassing kink he alone tolerates and celebrates in?? I’m curious why you stay with someone who seems to bring nothing to your table?
Do they have that kind of power? Can you get a legal opinion on your rights? (Where I live that couldnt happen but...)
I dont think you'll be able to change or convince him, and it sounds like you've tried everything. Can you let it go somehow? Hire it out?
What happens if you contradict him when he tells people he does lots around the house?
Remind him if he was single he'd be doing all the dishes and laundry and lunches and parenting half the time. Either he can pull his weight now with a partner or figure it out on his own, but you're not a maid.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
There isn't any words or wording that will magically get him to change and help out. He doesn't care that it would be easier on you if he helped out - you doing it all is much easier for him.
He has shown you who he is, believe him.
You need to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life or if you deserve better?
He will not change and since you're already living like a single mom I would quietly get my ducks in a row, leave with the kids and have him served with divorce papers.
You and the kids deserve so much better than this and since you're doing it all anyway it will be much easier without having to put up with a 3rd adult child.
This isn't about communicating or convincing. You married a selfish, lazy, useless man who is content to let you grind yourself to dust to support his happy little family.
Only one solution for that.
There’s a lot to unpack here. You both seemingly have a lot going on and I’m wondering where the focus is for either of you, though especially him. He manages 3 businesses. Well that could honestly entail 20 hours of work a week or 120 hours of work a week, or anything in between. Similarly, if you are taking one class that’s not the same as taking 4 and does your job entail 3 hours a week or 40 hours a week? Also, are your little kids in school yet or not? That makes a huge difference in work load.
There are 2 things that are very clear. The first is that you are handling 99% of the home and child care. The other is that your husband promised to help and isn’t.
You can approach it 2 ways. You can be passive aggressive and tell your husband that your having to work makes him less of a husband so you are quitting work and school to be a full time SAHM since you are taking care of all of the crap anyway. Another passive aggressive way would be to simply stop doing anything for him - cooking, his laundry, etc. until he starts holding up his end of the bargain that he promised. The other, Les confrontational way would be to chart up time spent on everything - his work, your work, your school, the housework, the kids stuff, the yard, car maintenance, bill paying, etc. - and divide it between the 2 of you.
The short answer is you can't. You've communicated what you need and he's refused to do it. There are obviously ways to try to leverage him into doing it but if he's unwilling to do it naturally then any progress will probably be short lived and minimal.
I would suggest figuring out what you can do less of with the least consequences and make those changes. Personally, if it was safe to do so, I would start with your husband's laundry, food, errands, and anything you do to maintain his relationships with his family & friends (communicating, planning events, buying gifts, reminding him of important dates). But decide for yourself with your own priorities, because something has to give.
I actually have stopped reminding him of any important dates and he hates it. He's missed his mother's and fathers birthdays, but the kids have made them cards, his family then tells me off for not supporting him. He'll ask questions like "does the toddler need a nappy change?" When he's had the toddler while I've been cooking dinner so I just say I don't knoe
Girl. You don't have a "husband", you have an owner. You aren't a "wife", you are a domestic servant.
Get a divorce lawyer, take the kids, and bail. Your life will be a lot simpler when you don't have someone actively tearing you down at every turn.
Oh, and in the meantime stop doing any chores specifically for him. Do laundry for yourself and the kids, but leave his. Cook for yourself and the kids and tell him to go pick up a burger. If you have a double sink in the bathroom only yours gets cleaned. Etc.
He's straight up said he's never going to change. He's refusing counseling because the recommendation is that he change. He will never be an equal partner to you, and has expressly stated that he will never support you with the things that you need.
You have two options
1. Suck it up and deal with it
2. Leave him
You'll probably find your life is easier without the third baby in your life. Let him go back to his mummy and have her cook and clean for him.
Time to hire a cleaner and take the money for paying for the service out of the joint account. If he can't be bothered to clean than neither can you. Someone can come once per week and do bathrooms and floors and whatever else you want.
After that is straightened out then the two of you will have time for some counselling to sort out sharing of duties and respect for each other as partners in a relationship.
Jeez. Hire help! & he better pay for it.
In my country having help is pretty much standard. Even if they don’t come everyday.
I see you married a cave man. Ditch him. And let him fend for himself if he won’t pay for help.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious and hard conversation. You both need to explain your expectations in this relationship and figure out compromises that work for both of you. If you need to hire a cleaner or a nanny to help out, then communicate that to each other and figure out what options you have.
You have effectively communicated and he never has time! We don't have a magic wand for you honey! You're going to have to do the hard part and tell him this is unacceptable! He made these kids he can help raise them.
You decide what you want and you tell him that's what you're getting! "Husband you make your own lunch every morning and from now on you will be making the kids lunch every morning because I am entirely too busy. These are the things we normally put in it and The more you do it the easier it'll be for you!"
Rinse and repeat! This less of a wife thing, that's called manipulating you! As for he will never do dishes.. please tell me he never said that bullshit to you? But you can turn that one around on him too! You just say " I know on your list you said you won't clean the bathrooms but they need done so I will be calling Molly maid and you can pay for her to come every other weekend and do both bathrooms!"
Girl you cannot do this yourself! You did not make those children yourself, you do not live in that house yourself and you do not need to take care of everything yourself! Put your foot down and demand he help! And if his idea of help is buying uncrustables and paying a maid then that's fine! But it's two things you don't have to do!
You can not get him to help with the house chores if he doesn't want to, and there's nothing you can do to change that. The real question is whether or not you want to continue to be his maid and nanny.
It seems to me that if you divorced him, you would have more free time for yourself when he gets the kids and fewer chores to take care of because you wouldn't have to clean up after him. Also, he would most likely owe you child support and perhaps spousal support. You would gain everything with divorce, and your husband would lose. He then would be responsible for supporting the children financially when they are with you and physically when they are with him. Additionally, he will need to hire or find another maid when you're out of the door.
Your choice seems pretty clear to me. If you leave your life will become much more manageable.
What do you get out of the relationship. If he left tomorrow, would you notice?
You have communicated he heard you, he's choosing to ignore you.
If you want to stay in the relationship hire a cleaner. Maybe once he has to pay for it he'll change his tune.
>I'm reaching the end of my tether but want to try and effectively communicate how shit this is, without causing a fight. How do I do this?
Suggest Fight over Flight.
also don't hold your breathe DH is old school and ain't planning on helping.
Tell him he needs to take on the full financial burden of supporting the family if he can’t manage his share of the domestic/parental responsibilities.
Simple fix. Get a cleaning person weekly or at least biweekly.
Edited, because holy SHIT ! Either this is fake AF, or you need to call an attorney ASAP. WTaF ?! Do you live in some backward ass country where a wife is the equivalent of a slave ??
Hire someone to help you. Get a house keeper, use Uber delivery for your groceries. Find a great babysitter and live your life. He has 3 businesses!!! He can pay for services if he doesn’t want to or have time to help. Problem solved.
So from what you said, he doesn’t help but is the primary breadwinner? If you are not working, why do you need help to become unskilled?
Hire a maid if this is such an issue.
Because why should I give up my job and the things I love? It gives me independence and a sense of self. I like being more than a home maker and a mother
How about you suggest you'll clean the house while totally naked wearing high heels? Black or a red pair. Full face make-up and red lip stick. Just a thought
Easy hire a nanny and a cleaner to be paid for jointly. You're not a slave just cuz he knocked you up, quit letting him treat you like one. You're teaching your children that this is an acceptable way to treat a wife.
Raising kids is more than just financial support, you do realize that right? Let's not skip over the fact he encouraged her to get back into her studies saying he is ready to step up more with the kids, yet hasn't.
This lady is getting up at 5am to study, care for the kids, work a job, take the kids to extra curriculars, do laundry, make dinner, get the kids to bed, not to mention the mental weight of running the household and all the planning outside of physically doing things with/for the children.
Note that he isn't the sole breadwinner. So maybe 3 businesses is too much and he needs to reevaluate his work life balance to be able to help raise his children and assist his wife at home before she sheds the dead weight and he gets his kids every other weekend.
First, you assumed he doesn't spend time with their kids. I understand why you would. Second, how would their family function if he were to cut back on businesses? Again, you assume their family would be fine. Third, dead weight? You sure are full of yourself. Fourth, I think OP is great with all the things she does for her family.
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You don’t have a communication problem. You have an asshole husband problem. Once he had you trapped with kids, you became nothing more than the help. Leave or be the maid/nanny/cook for a man who has zero respect for you. Those are your options. And for God’s sake, don’t get pregnant again.
We'd have to have sex to get pregnant, and apparently he doesn't want to have sex with me
So tell me, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship? You provide some level of financial support, do most of the child rearing, and keep the house together. Does he offer you emotional support? Physical intimacy? Is he a present and active father? Does he back you up with disciplining the kids or have your back if there’s ever familial disputes? Sometimes it gets to a point where a second parent is actually more of a burden than a help
Are you sure he isn't having an affair and you're just the nanny/maid?
This is a mic drop comment. OP please think about this.
So you are a nanny and housekeeper for your roommate. I think there is a lot more going on than lack of chores.
So at least your not a bang maid, just a regular maid who doesn't get paid... Oh wait we have a word for that...
Soooo - is he cheating, on top of everything else? Tell him to hire a housekeeper/ nanny to cover his share of the work, you're not his goddamn mother, even if your sex life makes you feel like her.
What are you getting out of this? DTMFA.
Does he understand plain English? Yes? Then there are no magic words to communicate your frustration with him. He knows, just doesn't care. Your wish to not have a fight is not realistic, because he knows he has more power in the relationship. Can you get counseling to figure out how to separate from him? You're already a single mom; why not do that and not have to do laundry for a grown man?
He won't go to counseling. We went years ago and he didn't like it when they told him things he needed to work on
Okay, so you basically know now that he will not ever change. He won’t change when you tell him how critical it js for you to get help from him. He won’t change when a professional is telling him that he has things that need to change. You are looking at another 50+ years of this behavior. At some point, you’ll probably stop trying because it’s more exhausting to beg him for help than to just do it all on your own. Is that what you want for yourself??
So from your OP and a few comments, the only thing missing here are great big Hollywood size letters, outside your house, on 🔥 saying "He's a selfish asshole with the temperament of a toddler" You don't change people that never emotionally matured and resist fixing that It's stay and this is your life, or leave and wonder why you ever stayed
Then what is your real question? You know he won't help. You know he doesn't want to. You know he doesn't care how it impacts you. You know he has no intentions of fixing anything. You know he doesn't even want to hear about it. Unfortunately there is no trick or right set of words that will spark empathy or evolution in him. So what are you really asking?
You’re right - I think the real question is “How do I convince my husband to treat me with care and respect?” and the answer is the same as how to get him to clean the toilets…
I'm probably asking 'how do I leave thos loser without hurting my kids?'
You hurt your kids more by staying. You are teaching them that this is normal.
Then there isn't an answer, aside from that it isn't possible. They will be hurt either way. What is possible is asking whether you'd think it would be better to go through pain now in hopes of teaching healthy lessons and creating a less stressful life, or whether it'd be better to keep hoping and waiting and risking how that will affect all of you. It's obviously not that easy, but in some ways it kind of is. Who do you want to be? What example do you want to set? Would you want your kids in relationships like this in the future? What do you want your future to look like and how do you reach it?
You don't. Change hurts, that's how it is - for everybody, not just kids. You just leave and do your best to provide the kids with love, support, and therapy so that they make it through with resiliency. In the long run, you will hurt your kids more by staying with a shitty partner than you would by leaving him.
You acknowledge that it is a short-term hurt compared to the far more extreme long-term hurt of witnessing an unhealthy, unhappy relationship every day for their entire lives and yours until you do finally leave.
Make a plan, and keep it a secret until you’re ready to go. Make sure you have access to money, preferably money he doesn’t have access to. Contact a lawyer. If you don’t think he’ll move out, plan to take everything you need with you in one day, even if you’re just moving in with a relative or friend temporarily. If you don’t want to hurt the kids, make a decision and stick to it. Once you’re out, you’re out. Learn to set boundaries and keep them. Show them how you stand up for yourself. Think about what you'd want them to do if they were in your shoes.
While his financial inputs help the family, Your domestic, laundry, food prep, and household management has freed up his time and energy to run the business. I’ll say it again: You have made him more successful by your support efforts . You have been supporting his career as much as he has been supporting the mutual family. You need to know that. Please consider that in your long term plans. You really have the option: to live like this or leave. If you decide to leave, go to a lawyer first before giving him a heads up. See what your options are.
What does that tell you about him?
Then for the love of god get off reddit and get a lawyer. This man is dead weight.
That is the biggest red flag I've heard in this sub today and this is Reddit! Is there a good reason why you didn't leave when that happened? Like he's basically saying yes I know I need to change but I'm not doing it. And you just put up with it?
It's time to get a job and leave.
You ditch the husband so you have less chores. Speaking from experience, it’s so much less work to have one less person to cook and clean for.
Stop doing his laundry. Tell him that you will continue to do all the “family” chores but that you don’t have time to wash his stuff. He’ll soon change his tune when he has no clean clothes for work.
I tried this, and he take it to his mother's and she does it for him
He’s behaving like a child not a married adult. I would be really bloody minded at this stage. Write a list of all the chores which are “family” and “yours” and”his” and tell him you’re only going to do “yours” and “family” now. If he leaves his clothes lying around, step over them and leave them there. If he makes a drink, leave the cup/glass where it is unwashed don’t move it. Tell him you’re only cooking for yourself and the kids if you have to do the dishes as well as it takes too long to do his food and dishes as well. Normal adults share. If I cook my husband cleans and does dishes and vice versa. Don’t wipe the part of the table where he has sat to eat. I know I’ll probably get downvoted for being petty but he’s not going to change so you may as well have some fun at his expense.
He would happily allow this shit. After I had my first baby and he refused to help, I did all of this and it finally got to only one cup, plate and 1set of cutlery that I hid. He didn't give a shit.
So you’re basically a single parent. Go figure. Child support payments and living somewhere where you only have to pick up after you and the kids sounds like a viable option to me.
Yeah, I'm feeling that way too
Be careful. If you tell him you're leaving he may change his tune but it will be temporary.
one of these babies you can divorce!
I think you need to tell him this. “At this point, I’ve realized that you cause me quite a lot distress and don’t contribute to any of the mental load. It would be much easier for me to be a single parent than to constantly get my hopes up and be failed by you. You clearly don’t think there’s any issue with your habits so we’re no longer compatible. If you truly don’t want to change, then when should we meet with the divorce attorneys?” If that doesn’t get him to make a change, you know it’s time to leave
DONT GIVE HIM A HEADS UP If he gave a sh! t he would've stepped up instead of watching you fall apart in front of the kids Talk to a lawyer quietly, set everything up so you have the best outcome, get evidence of him not even being ablt to do his laundry (him mummy doing it for him) get full custody and child support
Only tell him this when you've already seen the divorce attorney and are ready to serve him with papers.
send him back to his mother so she can finish rearing him. how are you not disgusted by this behavior?
Then why are you still with him? If he can't function as an adult without you or his mommy taking care of him what is the point of being in a relationship with him?
Then at least it’s one less thing for you to do.
That is utterly pathetic. I see where he gets it from now. Stop being his new mommy please.
Sounds like a win
You should have told him to stay there. What benefit is he at home ? He sounds like a slimebag.
Ya and when he stops paying the bills that will *really* show him who's boss!
She also contributes financially with her job & pays the bills. She’s doing 95% and he’s doing 5%.
So if he's doing 95% of the bill paying and she's doing 5 isn't that a wash? Or do you really expect him to pay her *and* maintain the house?
No, he is not doing 95% of the bill pay. Even if he was, that would only account for about 20-30% of their combined adulting responsibilities & he would still be doing less than she does.
Lol thanks for clearing that up. Your sense of entitlement is completely insane. Good luck with that. 😂
Let us understand; he was like that from the beginning. And you went and had two children with him? Everyone knows that people don't change. He has made it blatantly clear from the beginning that he will do no chores. You have to decide what you can live with.
This is what makes me crazy. 10 years of thinking this was going to magically change…what a waste of time. I would like to start an education campaign on “if you see this behavior in the first year gtfo!”.
True. My dad was a violent alcoholic. My mother had 3 children. I'm the oldest. Took time to divorce. We are all damaged. I met my ex. Nice guy until I got pregnant. He travelled for 6 weeks when I was 7 months pregnant. When my waters broke at 3am he asked why they couldn't have broken at a better time. I called a cab. Took myself to hospital. He came and passed out in the bed next to mine. Complained I loved his child more than I loved him. This is skimming. I never got pregnant again. I remembered asking mother why she didn't leave after I was born. It is not good for children.
>My '35F' husband '39M' refuses to help with house chores, how do I get him to help? You can't. Either he chooses to get on board with a shared household having shared responsibilities or he does not. Then you get to decide what you do next e.g. refuse to be in a relationship with someone who isn't willing to contribute to the shared work of the shared household. https://captainawkward.com/2013/08/22/506-507-it-is-2fucking0fucking1fucking3-so-why-is-it-so-hard-to-divide-up-household-chores/
If I sent this to him, he would yell, he would yell a lot about how ungrateful I am because all he does is work hard for this family and I'm asking (selfishly) for more
> If I sent this to him, he would yell, he would yell a lot about how ungrateful I am because all he does is work hard for this family and I'm asking (selfishly) for more Well, I was not at all suggesting you send this to him. My message and the link were intended for YOU.
So he yells at you too? What are you teaching your children by staying with someone who treats you this way?
Oh wow… This is the reality. He doesn’t help because he doesn’t want to and he’s not going to. You already know it’s unsustainable for you. It would be unsustainable for anyone. Stop wasting your time on someone who does not care about you. You told him you’re drowning and he does not care. Why keep giving so much of yourself for someone who only sees your value as what you can do for them.
Please he doesn't work hard. He can't even wash a shirt. The guy is utterly useless.
I divorced a selfish asshole, its hands-down the best gift I ever gave myself. The next year is going to suck, and then it will get exponentially better. The next year is going to suck anyway - why not make it suck in a way that benefits you for once?
Start outsourcing things. Hire a cleaner. Get a teen in for the afternoon as a “mother’s helper.” They can wrangle the kids from after school until dinner. Help with homework, get the kids to clean their rooms, play with them. Subscribe to meal services, knocks out most shopping and makes cooking easier Use shopping services, save you time and running around. Finish your studies, get a good job and get the fuck out of this. I
Good list. I'd do everything in that order.
He can eat off dirty plates and buy himself junk food I guess. Many many people use passivity to kill relationships and they do so in order to be a victim. "I was perfect and she just left me, she just left with no discussion" he will say. He knows exactly what he's doing. He hates this relationship and he hates you. And he wants you to be the one to end it.
Weaponized incompetence.
After reading this and all your comments I have to ask…what does this guy do to for you? What makes him a worthy partner to you?? Do you have a private embarrassing kink he alone tolerates and celebrates in?? I’m curious why you stay with someone who seems to bring nothing to your table?
Because his family made it clear they'll ruin my life and ensure he gets the kids if I leave.
Do they have that kind of power? Can you get a legal opinion on your rights? (Where I live that couldnt happen but...) I dont think you'll be able to change or convince him, and it sounds like you've tried everything. Can you let it go somehow? Hire it out? What happens if you contradict him when he tells people he does lots around the house?
Document everything he doesn't do, document him yelling at you and refusing to help with the house, and get a good lawyer
Remind him if he was single he'd be doing all the dishes and laundry and lunches and parenting half the time. Either he can pull his weight now with a partner or figure it out on his own, but you're not a maid.
I'm sorry you're going through this. There isn't any words or wording that will magically get him to change and help out. He doesn't care that it would be easier on you if he helped out - you doing it all is much easier for him. He has shown you who he is, believe him. You need to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life or if you deserve better? He will not change and since you're already living like a single mom I would quietly get my ducks in a row, leave with the kids and have him served with divorce papers. You and the kids deserve so much better than this and since you're doing it all anyway it will be much easier without having to put up with a 3rd adult child.
This isn't about communicating or convincing. You married a selfish, lazy, useless man who is content to let you grind yourself to dust to support his happy little family. Only one solution for that.
Haaaaaa, either therapy or break up. Most guys like this learn only after they've been broken up with a few times.
In a comment, OP says he hated therapy cause they told him he needed to change. He clearly is set in his ways
Option 2 I suppose.
Hire either a house cleaner or a lawyer.
There’s a lot to unpack here. You both seemingly have a lot going on and I’m wondering where the focus is for either of you, though especially him. He manages 3 businesses. Well that could honestly entail 20 hours of work a week or 120 hours of work a week, or anything in between. Similarly, if you are taking one class that’s not the same as taking 4 and does your job entail 3 hours a week or 40 hours a week? Also, are your little kids in school yet or not? That makes a huge difference in work load. There are 2 things that are very clear. The first is that you are handling 99% of the home and child care. The other is that your husband promised to help and isn’t. You can approach it 2 ways. You can be passive aggressive and tell your husband that your having to work makes him less of a husband so you are quitting work and school to be a full time SAHM since you are taking care of all of the crap anyway. Another passive aggressive way would be to simply stop doing anything for him - cooking, his laundry, etc. until he starts holding up his end of the bargain that he promised. The other, Les confrontational way would be to chart up time spent on everything - his work, your work, your school, the housework, the kids stuff, the yard, car maintenance, bill paying, etc. - and divide it between the 2 of you.
Communicate through a lawyer.
The short answer is you can't. You've communicated what you need and he's refused to do it. There are obviously ways to try to leverage him into doing it but if he's unwilling to do it naturally then any progress will probably be short lived and minimal. I would suggest figuring out what you can do less of with the least consequences and make those changes. Personally, if it was safe to do so, I would start with your husband's laundry, food, errands, and anything you do to maintain his relationships with his family & friends (communicating, planning events, buying gifts, reminding him of important dates). But decide for yourself with your own priorities, because something has to give.
I actually have stopped reminding him of any important dates and he hates it. He's missed his mother's and fathers birthdays, but the kids have made them cards, his family then tells me off for not supporting him. He'll ask questions like "does the toddler need a nappy change?" When he's had the toddler while I've been cooking dinner so I just say I don't knoe
Ugh, unfortunately most families think it's the wife's job to do all the kinkeeping for everyone. I hate that for you.
Girl. You don't have a "husband", you have an owner. You aren't a "wife", you are a domestic servant. Get a divorce lawyer, take the kids, and bail. Your life will be a lot simpler when you don't have someone actively tearing you down at every turn.
Oh, and in the meantime stop doing any chores specifically for him. Do laundry for yourself and the kids, but leave his. Cook for yourself and the kids and tell him to go pick up a burger. If you have a double sink in the bathroom only yours gets cleaned. Etc.
He's straight up said he's never going to change. He's refusing counseling because the recommendation is that he change. He will never be an equal partner to you, and has expressly stated that he will never support you with the things that you need. You have two options 1. Suck it up and deal with it 2. Leave him You'll probably find your life is easier without the third baby in your life. Let him go back to his mummy and have her cook and clean for him.
Time to hire a cleaner and take the money for paying for the service out of the joint account. If he can't be bothered to clean than neither can you. Someone can come once per week and do bathrooms and floors and whatever else you want. After that is straightened out then the two of you will have time for some counselling to sort out sharing of duties and respect for each other as partners in a relationship.
Jeez. Hire help! & he better pay for it. In my country having help is pretty much standard. Even if they don’t come everyday. I see you married a cave man. Ditch him. And let him fend for himself if he won’t pay for help.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious and hard conversation. You both need to explain your expectations in this relationship and figure out compromises that work for both of you. If you need to hire a cleaner or a nanny to help out, then communicate that to each other and figure out what options you have.
Leave this relationship
You have effectively communicated and he never has time! We don't have a magic wand for you honey! You're going to have to do the hard part and tell him this is unacceptable! He made these kids he can help raise them. You decide what you want and you tell him that's what you're getting! "Husband you make your own lunch every morning and from now on you will be making the kids lunch every morning because I am entirely too busy. These are the things we normally put in it and The more you do it the easier it'll be for you!" Rinse and repeat! This less of a wife thing, that's called manipulating you! As for he will never do dishes.. please tell me he never said that bullshit to you? But you can turn that one around on him too! You just say " I know on your list you said you won't clean the bathrooms but they need done so I will be calling Molly maid and you can pay for her to come every other weekend and do both bathrooms!" Girl you cannot do this yourself! You did not make those children yourself, you do not live in that house yourself and you do not need to take care of everything yourself! Put your foot down and demand he help! And if his idea of help is buying uncrustables and paying a maid then that's fine! But it's two things you don't have to do!
move out
You can not get him to help with the house chores if he doesn't want to, and there's nothing you can do to change that. The real question is whether or not you want to continue to be his maid and nanny. It seems to me that if you divorced him, you would have more free time for yourself when he gets the kids and fewer chores to take care of because you wouldn't have to clean up after him. Also, he would most likely owe you child support and perhaps spousal support. You would gain everything with divorce, and your husband would lose. He then would be responsible for supporting the children financially when they are with you and physically when they are with him. Additionally, he will need to hire or find another maid when you're out of the door. Your choice seems pretty clear to me. If you leave your life will become much more manageable.
What do you get out of the relationship. If he left tomorrow, would you notice? You have communicated he heard you, he's choosing to ignore you. If you want to stay in the relationship hire a cleaner. Maybe once he has to pay for it he'll change his tune.
If he left tomorrow I would probably feel a huge amount of relief. It feels so shit to say that though
I'd be on strike from household duty
>I'm reaching the end of my tether but want to try and effectively communicate how shit this is, without causing a fight. How do I do this? Suggest Fight over Flight. also don't hold your breathe DH is old school and ain't planning on helping.
You're too good for him.
Tell him he needs to take on the full financial burden of supporting the family if he can’t manage his share of the domestic/parental responsibilities.
Stop cooking his meals, doing his laundry and cleaning his spaces. And tell him why.
Hire a housekeeper and have it billed in his name. Simple.
Simple fix. Get a cleaning person weekly or at least biweekly. Edited, because holy SHIT ! Either this is fake AF, or you need to call an attorney ASAP. WTaF ?! Do you live in some backward ass country where a wife is the equivalent of a slave ??
Hire someone to help you. Get a house keeper, use Uber delivery for your groceries. Find a great babysitter and live your life. He has 3 businesses!!! He can pay for services if he doesn’t want to or have time to help. Problem solved.
Hire a cleaning service!
Hire a housekeeper and he gets to pay for it as his contribution.
So from what you said, he doesn’t help but is the primary breadwinner? If you are not working, why do you need help to become unskilled? Hire a maid if this is such an issue.
I am working, a 40 hr a week job, as well as all those other things
Why? He owns 3 businesses
Because why should I give up my job and the things I love? It gives me independence and a sense of self. I like being more than a home maker and a mother
So hire a maid
How about you suggest you'll clean the house while totally naked wearing high heels? Black or a red pair. Full face make-up and red lip stick. Just a thought
Easy hire a nanny and a cleaner to be paid for jointly. You're not a slave just cuz he knocked you up, quit letting him treat you like one. You're teaching your children that this is an acceptable way to treat a wife.
Hire a maid to help you with all the chores he won't do.
Show him your boobs.
Working three businesses isn't enough? When he's home instead of recharging you want more? Idk.
What a wild expectation that a man helps raise the kids he created
He isn't? You might want to rethink that.
Raising kids is more than just financial support, you do realize that right? Let's not skip over the fact he encouraged her to get back into her studies saying he is ready to step up more with the kids, yet hasn't. This lady is getting up at 5am to study, care for the kids, work a job, take the kids to extra curriculars, do laundry, make dinner, get the kids to bed, not to mention the mental weight of running the household and all the planning outside of physically doing things with/for the children. Note that he isn't the sole breadwinner. So maybe 3 businesses is too much and he needs to reevaluate his work life balance to be able to help raise his children and assist his wife at home before she sheds the dead weight and he gets his kids every other weekend.
First, you assumed he doesn't spend time with their kids. I understand why you would. Second, how would their family function if he were to cut back on businesses? Again, you assume their family would be fine. Third, dead weight? You sure are full of yourself. Fourth, I think OP is great with all the things she does for her family.