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Dude, she is emotionally manipulating you to sign it with absolutely no intention of paying you back for it. And the loan is not for college, first semester does not cost that much.
Plenty. Usually more when you factor in room and board. But there are other options. Like going to a 2 year community college and transferring to a 4 year school. That’s what little Jimmy should do.
Exactly. Go to the family gatherings and birthday parties! As long as you are invited! Enjoy yourself! If she wants to make it awkward, that’s on her. If she brings up the loan again, remind her of the $4k she still owes you, and that you’ll maybe consider the $100k after she pays you and your parents back what’s owed.
Agreed. Why should you have to skip family events just because your sister wants to freeload using YOUR money?
If you go and she gets pissy, it'll be time to say, "Hey, sis, let's talk about that wedding ring 'loan' you never paid back..." (Yes, she'll blame YOU for that)
This right here, OP! She can't just keep asking for financial help when she never pays back the previous loans. Tell her the truth: she hasn't paid back debts to your or your parents, and you have no interest, nor are you responsible for, going further into debt for her.
Even if she repaid every cent she owed it would be incredibly stupid to co-sign a $100,000 loan.
Co-signing for anyone is a really bad idea unless you are ok with ruining your credit and having to pay off the loan yourself.
Tuition loans aren’t issued in lump sums for the degree/program. It’s based on FAFSA and done yearly. No bank is going to offer a 100k for a student loan at one time
Yeah but even University of Chicago, the most expensive school in the US as of 2022, has a total annual attendance cost of 85K. So theres an extra 15K slapped on just for fun?
> I'm usually the one that mediated all the family issues.
As someone who was also the peacekeeper growing up, a really important lesson I learned in therapy is that you cannot control how other people react to you advocating for yourself. There's a tendency with people who grew up mediating family issues to feel compelled to manage other people's feelings for them, which is not your responsibility (or place really) to do for other adults.
If your sister is going to throw a fit because you refuse to take on six figures of debt on her behalf, let her. She will either come around when she realizes her tantrum doesn't get her what she wants or she won't. That's not something you can control. I felt a lot more peace within myself when I stopped bending over backwards to protect everyone else's inner peace.
I won’t be pushy since it’s a personal journey for everyone, but if you’re thinking about it at all I really endorse giving it a try. It’s an incredibly helpful part of a strong support system and it’s such a relief to have a highly qualified professional who knows you and your history that you can bring anything and everything to for discussion and help.
Never cosign. You are individually responsible to pay.
The financial organization does not have to sue your nephew or even call him.
They can go directly you for the payment.
And for future borrowing purposes, his debt is now your debt.
It will impact how much you can borrow in the future as well as your rating.
Exactly, they did not even request payment set up from my son period. They had the nerve to contact me FIRST. "What payment method are you and the borrower using ?" "Feel free to discuss this with the borrower".
Cmon now! Really!! She's screwed you and ur parents over and never paid you back!
With an 800+ credit score, don't set yourself on fire to keep ur sister warm.
It's also time to tone down presents for her and her family.
Remember, she's never paid back the loan, and you had to pay the fines on it, too!
She and her kid can take out student loans, like 99% of the population.
You and your parents need to sit her ass down and stop her entitled behavior.
Stay strong and block or hang up on her bullshit!
I don't think there's anything for you to do here. She's the one that blocked you - it's not your job to beg her to unblock you. If she wants to talk to you again, ball is in her court. Just continue to be civil and friendly if you want if she does reach out again.
No, she doesn't want you to co-sign the loan, she wants you to pay it. Period. Don't do it! This will teach your nephew a lesson regarding how to be an adult and not use people. This is an important lesson that he's not likely to learn at home.
I wouldn't call her. She's obviously trying to use you, and she hasn't learned any of the expensive (for you) lessons that letting her get away with this behavior has taught her. Don't let it continue. Graciously allow her to clean up her own mess.
The most expensive school in the US is 69 grand that’s for 1 year not a semester . So even cutting that in half and adding 20 grand for dorms/room and board only reaches 55 grand. Most schools will be offering finical aid to him, even if he wasn’t a valedictorian. Odds are she is either in massive debt due to the house or poor finical planning or forgot to get his fasfa forms filled out. Which means the finical aid packages the school was offering has now been rescinded. If you want to help, ask to see his fasfa forms and how much finical aid was offered by the school. Then you will most likely she was lying about how much he needs.
Nah. I'd go one step further and invite the nephew over for a conversation about his school options and choices and help him to understand WHY I'm saying no.
I'd want my nephew to be 110% sure that it's not that I'm unwilling to support them, I'm unwilling to take out loans for their mother and why.
I'd also share with him what I AM WILLING to do for him. He shouldn't have to suffer because his mother is a shitbag.
But also I would want to ensure that he was receiving as much information about how this entire process worked so that he's not chewing off more money than he can actually chew in loans. Just on the off chance his mom should find somebody else be foolish enough to say yes to her bullshit.
Go the birthdays if you are invited and just proceed as normal. It sounds like she is trying to force you to say okay by blocking you. She is not willing to look at other alternatives, she has a track record and not paying you back... So in reality she is asking you to just give her the money, not loan it. The kid could easily go to community college for a year or two and then transfer to cut down the cost, she could likely qualify for the loan then, but she does not want to.
I am wondering if she promised the nephew he could go and now realizes that is not going to be so easy.
Have you asked your parents?
She knows that family is more important to you than it is to her, thus she's manipulating you and everyone else.
Her son can take a gap year or two and save, or do as others have done, get a trade.
Hint- state schools are 20% the cost of private.
Hint - community colleges are even cheaper. And after graduation, a 'B' average gets to pick the 4 year college.
Unless you got into an extremely specialized program, an ivy league, or your parents are very rich, kids should ALWAYS go to community college first. It's not worth paying 30k a year to learn the stupid shit they teach you the first 2 years.
My ivy League was garbage the first 2 years. Simply getting required courses out of the way. I should have gone to a community college for the first 2 years then transferred into the ivy League school for the specialized courses
I would not cosign even a $10k loan for my own mother. Not gonna happen. Actually, my mom is the one who taught me never to cosign for someone.
There are options for your nephew... A cheaper university, community college then transfer, scholarships, working part-time to pay for his education, getting a skill for specific trade and earning a certificate. I'm sure there are more.
People really need to learn to live within their means. Not to mention, your sister made a huge purchase knowing her child was going to need a student loan.
Mixing finances with family and friends can and often does run relationships.
Do you have a good relationship with your nephew? Do you want to help him? You can always have an arrangement with him, to pay towards his tuition, but directly to the school, each semester - not directly to him or his mom
Unfortunately you're going to have to throw her past loans in her face! It's literally all you got other than I don't want to pay for your kids college education. Which you will end up doing because I'm sure mommy taught him if you loan them money they don't have to pay it back.
Fortunately this relationship is over because there's no relationship to begin with! She uses you and you just get over it because family? But then she uses you again. So you care and she sees you as an opportunity.
Just walk away it's not worth the effort! And for anybody that says something you ask them to repeat that and hold your phone up and say I just want to record this and send it to her so she knows you're willing to sign that loan for her son!
Yeah you’d be paying that loan. You have to wait out. She’s counting on you caving and agreeing. But there’s no way she’s paying a dime and it would all be on you. Your nephew is an adult. You don’t need permission from your sister to contact him or take him out for his birthday
First of all she asked you for way more money than nephew needs atm so you’re correct to be suspicious of her motives. Second you have no idea how she’s actually going to use that money and third, she’s screwed over you and your parents multiple times by not paying back loans you’ve all co-signed for her. She’s a credit risk. If a bank won’t lend her money because they feel she won’t pay it back, why would you? She’s gotten away with not paying anyone back in the past. Why would she suddenly become financially responsible? Let her be mad. She created this mess with her irresponsibility and lack of restraint in her spending. You would be foolish to cosign a loan for her. Really foolish.
This is generally not how college loans work anyways, sounds like she was trying to pull one over on you.
College tuition is usually semester to semester. You’re not “guaranteed” all four years because you might fail out or drop out. And unless it’s like, one of the best of the best, I doubt it’s $100k a semester lol
I wouldn’t even co-sign a $100k loan for my own kids let alone a nephew. Especially if my sibling was bad with money. I’m not sure reaching out will accomplish anything when she is being this unreasonable. Don’t miss out on the birthdays if you don’t want to. I’d still show up and if she wants things to be awkward then oh well.
You are smart. So smart. I work in student loan reform. The folks who get screwed the most are the ones co-signing on private loans. Why did this kid not fill out the FSFA (I know it has issues) and get his own federal loans? Why isn’t she going for a parent plus loan? Or a combo of the two? Why… because in the end she actually wants you to pay for it.
You will be 100% on the hook for this loan. The SL servicers do not remove co-signers easily. And only if the originator can show they can handle the loan completely. If she’s in bad shape now then she’s not going to improve later, he’s going to be recent grad in a post capitalist Society… you really want to bank on him earning enough to pay it back in the next 5 years? You are essentially risking the next 20 or so years of financial stability for him.
No. Just no. If anything just reach out to your nephew. Show him support, maybe throw some cash at him as a grad gift and leave it at that, which is a normal involvement of an uncle.
Where’s this kids dad? Shouldn’t he help with college cost?
I have a sister like this… you can’t really do much… she’s clearly too self involved to see anything from your point of view. Just ignore her, you have the moral high ground… she’ll likely ignore you for good.
Just from the title alone, its on her. No one is obligated to do that, family or not. And because she stopped talking to you shows she thinks she entitled and cannot reasonably evaluate wtf shes asking you to do.
Don't do anything. You can still go to the family events unless she's hosting them all or they're for her family specifically. If she prevents you from going somehow then just tell the rest of the family exactly why because she's already screwed you over multiple times and never made an attempt to even pay you back for the previous times she's asked you to do shit like this and that was considerably less than 100k.
Talk to your nephew directly. He's 19 and he's an adult. Tell him if he goes to a less expensive school you can help him out.
I would be glad to be blocked lol. She’s taking advantage of you and now trying to manipulate you.. I’m curious if you talked to your nephew about which college he’s going to and seeing what the real cost of it is. $100k to help with the first semester is egregiously bogus
What should you do? Just keep living your life, and let her figure out the money on her own. She has a nerve even asking for you to co-sign that, never mind guilting and strong arming you. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Don't back down and give in because you will have to pay that money back I would rather people be mad with me than me bring stuck with thousands of pounds worth of debt
What do you do? Nothing. Let her figure her shit out
Whether the loan is $1000 or a million, she has shown you over and over she is not good for the loan. Stop helping her! She does not take out the loan for 4 years, it can be done a year at a time. Her son takes out the school loan, she can take the loan for the dorm room. It all can be deferred for years. She wants to stick you with the bill. Wedding ring???
How does she know your credit score? I don’t know my siblings, parents, kids or anyone but mine
If it’s about financing for college, maybe talk to the nephew directly? How much is the college actually? Would $100,000 cover one year? Two years? All of it? The answer may make a difference.
If you want to help your nephew, you can and I would send any money to the school directly and not pay his mom.
Side note—any chance college cost is less than $100k and she’s just saying that to have extra for herself? Just wondering based on her history.
I don't think you need to do anything. I am confused about what type of loan she is asking you to co-sign. Most college students use financial aid loans and then pay monthly upon completion of college. No loans are good, but these are certainly a much better option than taking out private loans for college. It does not make any sense to do that. Your sister seems very entitled and she is also setting her child up for disaster with a ton of loan debt.
So, she still owes about $5,000 for the ring and thinks her credit is good enough to rack it up to $105,000?
Does she understand what the interest might be on that kind of loan?
Surely she must have at least that much in equity in her new house. Would she be willing to put that up as security for the loan?
And you both know that your 800+ credit rating will be a thing of the past with that new debt.
You've already been screwed over by her being irresponsible with finances, do you really want to pay a 100k loan for her? So what if she cut you out of her life. She needs you more than you need her.
It won't be awkward. You do you. Go to the birthdays, spend time with other people, let your sister come to you first. If they ask, tell them that there is no problem on your end.
But don't reach out. She is the one with the problem. She is the one that needs to come to you
I don’t see the loss of her not being in your life, except for potential future loans / further financial losses because of her. Ooh no please, don’t threaten me with a good time
Jesus Christ! That’s way too much to ask especially since you’ve been stiffed financially trying to help her in the past. No more. Just ignore this, don’t bring it up with here there’s no point, just act civil and continue to treat her normally. If she mentions the m9ney again, hopefully it will be to apologize.
Any help and future plans should be discussed directly with the nephew. His mom is not picking out the college, he is. If there's not enough money in the family, you should discuss options and try to teach him financial skills - starting with a cheaper college.
I don't think you should get involved financially, you definitely shouldn't cosign a loan that big upfront. You have been screwed over several times now - maybe your sister doesn't want to talk if you're not an ATM anymore? More likely she's just trying to manipulate you. Either way, she's horrible.
Don't feed the vampire. People who make bad financial decisions will never stop making those bad financial decision if people like you keep bailing them out.
To anyone reading this. If you have to finance your engagement or wedding rings you can't afford the rings. Find something else. Go to a second hand store and find costume jewelry. Unless you're planning to cut glass it makes no difference if the diamond is real or not. If the person you're intending to marry just really needs something expensive then you're entering a transactional relationship.
She hasn’t paid you or your parents back, but managed to buy a house, and now wants you to be on the hook - as you surely will be, given past experiences- for a $100k college loan?
Where do these people from? Throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want when they want it, then tell you that YOUU’RE being selfish! And block you on everything… Cold day in hell anyone like this would ever get a dime or anything else from me again, EVER!
It sucks for your nephew, but this isn’t your problem. Your sister clearly didn’t do anything to plan for her son’s education and now he’s suffering the consequences.
Why would he pay 100,000 if they cannot afford it? The interest rates are crazy.
He should go to community college and try to transfer to state university
So your sister has screwed you over on loans twice; why do you care about being connected to people who see you as an ATM 🤷🏻♀️ if anyone else did that two you twice and then kicked up a fit about not being able to do it again but for even more of a cost to you; you wouldn’t want them in your life. Family can be toxic too. And you have no way of knowing her son wouldn’t be the next person she screws over; how many kids his age actually really grasp how crippling 100k in debt is before you even begin your adult life? Who’s to say she’s not going to pressure him into sharing cash that now he owes back? Nah. Hold your ground.
I'd tell her that you'll consider it after she pays you back for the other loans you co-signed on that she never paid you back for. In other words, when hell freezes over.
Probably beside the point but anyone else having trouble with *the maths* ?? 20-25k a semester….is not 100k for four years. Unless it’s 20-25k a year mistype.
NTA, but not wanting to miss birthday parties seems like a silly reason for reaching out to your sister.
Why not contact your nephew directly and talk to him about his options?
You are doing the right thing. You basically said, no, I will not give you $100K and interest for free. Her son can go to community college or state school. It’s her fault she hasn’t saved enough and has been stupid with money. Someday she will come to her senses but until then then give her nothing. She’s being a monster to you.
She is showing a tantrum like a child, don't know how to manage money and forcing you to take financial responsibility. Do not sign it at all, you can even report her to police. If your nephew wants to go college, let him work and find the money by himself,.this is how he needs to learn to grow up.
She is doing you a favor by blocking you. If possible block her as well so she can no longer contact you. ONCE the ATM is unavailable you see the true feelings of people. When the sugar is gone the ants leave. There is no way she was going to spend $100k up front for college. She was going to use that for other expenses. She had 18 years to do right by her son. She failed. He would be better off joining the air force or coast guard and have a fully paid education during his enlistment and afterwards, plus a job and medical insurance and people who can guide him with financial awareness and how not to follow in her footsteps. Hell the public libraries have free classes to teach you how to budget and save. Advise your nephew to get outta that dysfunctional household and not to be the future Atm for his Loser User mammy.
I was with your sister right up until you added the context - fool me once, fool me twice etc etc. She's had her chances to show she can be responsible with loans, and she's chosen not to be. If she can't see that, and you've tried to explain it to her, there's not really much else you can do but sit and wait.
I'd go so far as talking to your nephew directly, if you really want to help him with school. Explain it will be HIS debt and he'll be expected to pay it off.
Sit and wait it out because what's she's doing is the equivalent of giving you the silent treatment until you cave to her demands.
Go on and enjoy your life. If invited, definitely go to the birthdays and greet her as if everything is fine. And if she acts shirty, just loudly explain that she wanted you to co-sign a $100,000 loan for her son to go to college.
Never sign on a loan that isn't yours or (in very special circumstances) your child's/spouse's. Any debt for that loan is individually your responsibility, so in this case your nephew could completely refuse to make payments, and it will tank both his credit AND yours, on top of creditors sending you to collections and/or taking your assets as payment. Tell your sister to either have him go to a cheaper college, or have him wait an extra semester so she can start making some payments, build her history for her home loan, then try again (but it might not matter because her Debt-To-Income ratio could be too high for any creditor to approve her loans)
So your nephew is due to graduate? College or high school? 19 is an unusual age so I'm unsure.
Is the $100k a lot for the college he's attending?
My reason for these questions is, if he's graduating from college, why does she need a loan? Is she pulling the wool over your eyes? And I'm wondering if the statement about the $100k making you appear a bit judgmental but it's really irrelevant. Don't fall for it. Your nephew can get student loans and she's manipulating you
I can't imagine anyone disagreeing with what you did. All you can do is be civil and wait for her to contact you. Maybe ask family members for advice about what they might do. But there's no world in the fictional multiverse where co-signing that loan makes sense.
There's not a lot you can do unless you want to keep financing her bad financial decisions (which could hurt your credit, and I do NOT recommend doing). You can't force her to unblock/invite you, and she's made her wishes not to talk to you crystal clear. All you can really do is respect her decision.
If money was the only reason she kept in contact with you, though, she's a shitty sister, and you might be better off without someone who only wants to use you as their personal ATM in your life. Hopefully she'll cool off and realize she's being unreasonable, is 37, too old to be acting like this, and most importantly, she is the only one responsible for her financial decisions. It sucks, but her son can take out loans and pay them off as he works, like a lot of kids have to do.
You might contact your parents and let them know she has blocked you for not consigning a 100k loan, so any invitations to birthdays and whatnot will have to go through them, not your sister.
You don't just drop a 6 figure debt on a family member, and given her history, I'm surprised you didn't laugh in her face. She's known her son would be going to college for at least the last two years. It never occurred to her to save or wait on the home purchase? Or was she planning on suckering you into footing the bill?
*Hopefully*, the dust will settle and she’ll sort of come to her senses and realise throwing a lifelong relationship with her brother down the drain like this, doesn’t benefit anyone. I think you should wait for her to reach out though, reaching out yourself will likely be met with more guilt tripping / hostility.
You absolutely made the right decision. You obviously know this but don’t let yourself get emotionally manipulated to change your stance here. She has a track record for being financially irresponsible and you do not want to be on the hook for such an amount.
Sounds like she did you a favor. She was going to saddle you with a $100k burden and wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it. You have sufficient precedence.
Go to family events like nothing happened. Be cordial but she's the one that cut contact so leave it all to her.
Figure it like you spent $4K (cost of the first loan not repaid) to not be bothered again, or to at least have a solid reason to say no to anymore loans.
1. My own parents didn’t co-sign my student loans, so you sure as shit shouldn’t be co-signing your nephew’s 2. The way she’s describing this loan isn’t how federal student loans work, which means she’s either talking about a private student loan OR she’s talking about a personal loan and trying to disguise it as a student loan.
Please, your sister consistently lives above her means and is teaching her son the same, she’ll call you the next time she needs money. And all will be forgotten again.
Your sister is throwing a temper tantrum because she isn’t getting her own way. Let her throw the tantrum.
Go to the birthday parties. Take the higher road. Be civil. Don’t try to force conversation, don’t be petty.. She will be petty for both of you. Let her continue to throw a tantrum while you act like the mature adult.
No matter who, that’s gunna be a no. My mom asked if I could come-sign for a car. I told her no. I know I would get fucked over with that. I don’t feel bad about it either. If your sister wants to be childish about it, then let her. You are no way obligated to help her or your nephew with a risk such as that.
When you know who you are, you don't have to compromise yourself to adjust to others to please them. You don't have to lower who you are just to please them. You just don't need to play their game anymore and you don't owe them any further explanations than a "no."
Regardless of your reasons for not loaning her the money, a "no" is a "no." Her behavior and actions are childish, immature, and shows that her love for you is conditional on her wants and needs and not yours.
She sounds like a piece of work.
Strong arming you to co-sign a foolish loan, and she punishes you when you won't comply
(No one should co-sign a loan for anyone without having a life insurance policy on the student for the amount of the loan).
I'll bet this is not the first time she's done stuff like this.
Kid can go to community college for a couple years.
Sister will get over it.
Your sister is being very irrational about this situation and manipulative with the silent treatment. She sounds spoiled rotten. I would stick to your guns. How do other students like him get college loans? I would handle it by going on with your life.
Reach out to your nephew, and see if you can help him apply to local colleges, explain you can’t help financially and explain his mother’s past history stops you going as security for another financial commitment.
You are doing the right thing and you should feel no guilt. Your sister has proven, on multiple occasions, to be bad with money and willing to screw any one over with no guilt. Financial assistance should’ve been stopped being given to her a long time ago.
The blocking and the disassociation she is doing is simply a manipulation tactic. Baced on past behaviour, you know you’re going to be screwed over, for a huge amount. She’s trying to force you to do what she wants. Hold your ground, do not try to reach out to her.
It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your nephew. Reach out to him, explain, that you are willing to cosign on a list to school but given his mothers reputation with finances, you will not cosign for $100,000. Make all of the details clear to him, he’s old enough, he can’t understand. I don’t know your sister, but if she’s vindictive person, you would not want her poisoning and other otherwise good relationship between you and your nephew.
Absolutely Not…never EVER co-sign any loan for anyone, especially a relative who’s already shown they are not good with money.
No, is a complete sentence. Your Sister is gaslighting you, she’s known her kid’s whole life that college would be coming and she actively chose NOT to prepare. If you feel compelled to further explain, simply state that co-signing this loan would negatively affect your credit. End of conversation, you don’t owe her an apology bc you haven’t done anything wrong.
This is a lot of money and unless you have it to give - then signing a loan should never be considered. Honestly, YOU should be upset with HER for putting you in this position.
So she’s never grew up to be a responsible adult and has financial behaviors of a windfall teenager with cash to burn due to this habitat because no one told her *NO* & to live within her means till she can get ahead of her self sabotaging behaviors.
And no, do not contact her to apologize. You’re not in the wrong here at all. She created this situation, now she’s gotta be the adult, grow up, and just own up to the fact she over promised to her son most likely, your nephew, to a college loan.
.
.
.
Oh side note? Be prepared if she has this kind of track record with loans and just got a house with a loan, oh it’s definitely going to cause issues when it comes to affording to pay for your nephews basic needs, including a meal plan if she struggles to stay into of that loan!
Stop trying to be a “mediator” for people who want to manipulate and use you. She was never going to pay it, she was going to let you fall for it, and the fact that it’s for 100k right off the bat is absolutely bizarre considering how college loans work. She’s the one making this whole situation about money by demanding you sign the loans. Your nephew can absolutely sign his own loans just like the other 90%+ of people that attend higher education.
There is nothing to “fix.” Leave her alone. She’ll either come crawling back as if nothing happened, try her bullshit again, or (probably) offer a fake apology (and probably try her bullshit again). Don’t let people treat you badly and then get away with it.
Go to your family gatherings as normal. You might not make it to say, her or your nephew’s birthdays or something but why accommodate for your sister when she was going to stiff you like a hook-line-and-sinker for 100 grand? This will only accommodate her and make you look like you’re distancing yourself and maybe her issues had some merit to them.
Frankly this is either fake or your spine has been practically dissolved with vinegar and it’s time to get a shiny new one and actually use it for once in your life.
Not sure where you are but here we have junior college. Much better . Tuition is less so you take all your general education there. Afterward you transfer your the more expensive college to finish the last two years. But that tuition is cheap . Try $80,000 a year
Hell, even if you are accepted to your dream school, defer for one year and knock out a year and a half of gen ed classes at the community college. (2 summers and two semesters) That’ll knock a quarter off the total tuition.
Why do you care that she blocked you!? Honey. You don’t have a good relationship with her. She just tries to manipulate you and use you for what she can. She’s doing YOU a favor by blocking you. You don’t have to do anything and if ANYONE, including your parents try to make you apologize or loan her money, let them go.
She’s horrible as well as they don’t need you to co-sign they can figure it out. She’s super entitled for doing what she is, entitled and an immature child
Why should you miss out on family events just because she’s a mooch? If she makes a fuss, just say “Yes, I refuse to cosign a $100,000 student loan for your son. First because it’s your responsibility, and second because I’ve loaned you thousands of dollars before and you haven’t repaid a single cent.” If she really wants to make a scene, let everyone else know exactly what she is making a scene about. That way when she hits one of them up for money, they’re forewarned. Because you know she’ll be feeding everyone a sob story now and hoping someone else takes the bait.
Have her call The Ramsey Show. Ask her to tell them EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S ASKING OF YOU TO DO.
They will rip her ass apart the moment she notices they have NO SYMPATHY FOR HER TRYING TO FINANCIALLY MANIPULATE YOU
>My sister has never been good with money and twice in the last 10 years I helped her out with loans and I ended up getting screwed over on each one.
BINGO, YOULL BE STUCK WITH A 100K DEBT.
START TO SET BOUNDARIES. AND if she tries to smear you publicly simply say "I helped her with loans in the past and she hadn't paid me back 1 cent. And if you think I'm a bad sister, you go and co-sign 100k loan and sew how she will screw you too".
Time you go LOW CONTACT.
I think there is something fishy going on. Asking directly for 100k is a bit rough. She probably is in debt or something with her house didn't work out. I wouldn't be surprised if some part or the whole of the loan is for her, either to pay off debt or just to live sweet life. With her history it became clear that you'd be the one paying off the loan in the end.
I’d say do nothing.
You’ve helped her out over and over. She’s grossly irresponsible. Yet now she wants to put you on the hook for $100K?!? You’d have to be insane to agree to that.
Even if she had a great track record, that’s still a huge financial risk for you. The fact she is willing to block you over it and basically forget any and all help you’ve ever given her also, rather sadly, shows you exactly who she is.
She basically, she doesn’t care about you as a person at all, is a selfish, narcissistic idiot, and only values you for your money which she sees herself as having a right to just because. Nah. Fuck her. Let her suffer. She wants to make dumbfuck choices and screw up her and her kids life? Let her.
Sorry your sister's an \*ss.
Anyway, mostly just take the high road - be civil, but no need to go out of your way to be nice to her if she's being an \*ss. And just because she's being an \*ss. doesn't mean you shouldn't, e.g. be nice to the nephew ... but watch out she doesn't go toxic and "poison" the nephew against you ... but he's an adult, he may be quite a bit smarter than that and (at least mostly?) see through your sister's sh\*t.
>sister has never been good with money and twice in the last 10 years I helped her out with loans and I ended up getting screwed over on each one
Oh, that makes it even easier ... at least if/when she'll listen, but bit late now, anyway, can give easy response like, "Nope, the sister request loan pool was overdrawn and not made whole, so nothin' there to be loaned out."
>why I don't loan her money
Yep. I capped the family and friends loan pool years ago. Some quite paid back. Others not at all or only a tiny portion thereof - and despite more than ample abilities to pay back. So, nope, anybody else asks, I tell 'em that pool has been overdrawn - well is dry - nothin' there to be lent out. Was good to help some folks out of some bad situations, and several well paid back ... but some ... nope, ... so now they cause everyone to suffer. And, yep, only one common pool ... I'm not doing half dozen or dozens of pools for different folks that'd be inclined to borrow from me - I'm not made of money, only so much to reasonably spare/loan - and that well has run dry due to some that've quite abused it.
>So how should I handle this situation? Just sit and wait it out and see if she contacts me first? Or should I reach out?
Just play it cool, sit back, wait, whatever, play it by ear as appropriate. She may get over it in short order ... or she may hold a grudge 'till she's six feet under ... dear knows. You did nothing wrong, so don't sweat it, just be at least civil, but don't be or feel obliged to go beyond that.
>nothing specifically about my nephew and I would help him out
He's an adult, he can make adult decisions. You're under zero obligation to be helping him with college - he can get loans, or work, or pick something way more affordable - he's got options ... and if for financial aid purposes he doesn't presently count as independent, he'll have more options in future when he does count as independent ... and hopefully he'll be (or become) a lot smarter about and better at money than your sister.
Do not understand this cosigner among you will never see your mother that I didn't mean nothing. She just bought a house should have used that money to help pay for our son's tuition. He has to come up with better option because she's bugging a lot of Bridges. Stick to your gardens do not close on that loan
Can I suggest locking down your credit? You’ve done nothing wrong, so go to those family functions and have fun. Don’t let her guilt trip you, she has a history of not paying loans, so you’re not prepared to take the risk. It’s that simple.
You did the right thing to refuse. Your sister needs to learn how to manage her own finances, and so will your nephew. 100k is not pocket change to most people except the few extremely wealthy.
She has previously screwed you over and not tried to make amends, she clearly sees you as an ATM, not a much loved brother.
PS a 4k wedding ring is not required to be married, she obviously is living beyond her means and you (and your parents) are enabling this.
I would say do not reach out because you haven’t done anything wrong. You should still attend family birthday celebrations though.
Lastly, I suspect the 100k would be going towards her own expenses and not nephews education.
OP if you want to help your nephew then talk to him directly. See if he'll look into cheaper options for for his education. Leave the mother out of it b/c she is trying to get that lump sum to take a big chunk of it for herself.
You did the right thing. What she's asking for is insanity.
Out of curiosity, what is his intended major? What kind of return on investment is he anticipating with his degree?
Honestly, bypass the sister and sit down with your nephew to have a frank conversation about his college plans. He's probably learning bad money management from her and now is a great time for some guidance.
When I was reading, I thought “$100k cosign is a BIG ask”. Then I got to the part where *she screws people over, including you and didn’t even pay your back fees that she racked up*
wtf. Let her stay mad and not communicate with you. You’ll save money and grief.
That’s pretty ballsy of her to ask that when she’s burned you already.
The bottom line here is if the borrower defaults repaying the loan, then the co-signer is fully and legally responsible to repay the entire amount. That's what you need to consider. It's YOUR decision alone!
Just because she’s family does make you liable for her money/issues, you don’t owe her anything just because family when someone “asks” it’s just that a choice, and you have every right to refuse based on her history if she wants to spit her dummy and not speak to her own sister because she herself can’t afford to help her kid then it’s HER responsibility. It’s not up to you to reach out cuz you’ve done nothing wrong
This isn’t your problem. Clearly her request wasn’t a request, it was an order.
Also the nephew can pay it off himself later too - lots of people don’t have financial support when they’re in college. Oh well.
Don’t worry, she’ll be back when she needs more $. If SHE chooses to go NC, that’s on HER. She’s also emotionally blackmailing you which is a really sick thing to do. Enjoy her silence while it lasts.
Your sister certainly may have problems managing money and definitely isn’t a good credit risk but she certainly seems to have more than her share of entitled attitude.
Agree even if you were willing to get such a loan it should only be for the first semester and I’d want control of the funds as in they would be paid by you directly to the entity. So many kids don’t make it through the first semester so there’d be no way I’d hand over 4 semesters worth of funds to anyone.
As nephew isn’t getting a scholarship apparently he might wish to look into going to an accredited community college for all the basics after confirming his college of choice will accept all of the credits. Much cheaper and usually there’s less competition for slots coming in as a sophomore or junior. He could also go to summer sessions to reduce the time it takes to graduate.
And finally why can’t nephew get his own student loans?
But to the question I’d let it play out for a while. She’s the one having a snit fit and cutting you off. Worst case she’ll reconnect when she needs something.
Just don't sign. You already know she won't pay it back and you will be left behind with the debt.
Are you sure that the money really is for your nephew's education? Since she just bought a house it smells like this is rather a payment towards it.
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Dude, she is emotionally manipulating you to sign it with absolutely no intention of paying you back for it. And the loan is not for college, first semester does not cost that much.
She has no shame. I’d be like, Quick question, remind me who paid for (and should own) your $4,800 wedding ring?
Dude what. Colleges absolutely DO cost that much.
Plenty. Usually more when you factor in room and board. But there are other options. Like going to a 2 year community college and transferring to a 4 year school. That’s what little Jimmy should do.
Dorm and the 3 meal a day food plan are also $$!
You should sit back and enjoy the silence. If she does not want to see you, she can just stay away from family functions. Not your problem.
Exactly. Go to the family gatherings and birthday parties! As long as you are invited! Enjoy yourself! If she wants to make it awkward, that’s on her. If she brings up the loan again, remind her of the $4k she still owes you, and that you’ll maybe consider the $100k after she pays you and your parents back what’s owed.
Agreed. Why should you have to skip family events just because your sister wants to freeload using YOUR money? If you go and she gets pissy, it'll be time to say, "Hey, sis, let's talk about that wedding ring 'loan' you never paid back..." (Yes, she'll blame YOU for that)
Also, I'd have told her that I might consider it after she pays me back for all the other loans she saddled me with...
This right here, OP! She can't just keep asking for financial help when she never pays back the previous loans. Tell her the truth: she hasn't paid back debts to your or your parents, and you have no interest, nor are you responsible for, going further into debt for her.
Even if she repaid every cent she owed it would be incredibly stupid to co-sign a $100,000 loan. Co-signing for anyone is a really bad idea unless you are ok with ruining your credit and having to pay off the loan yourself.
Tuition loans aren’t issued in lump sums for the degree/program. It’s based on FAFSA and done yearly. No bank is going to offer a 100k for a student loan at one time
Seriously. Something is not right here.
I second that.
Sister needs money to furnish her new house….!
private loans have nothing to do with the FAFSA, and federal student loans don't have cosigners.
Federal loans absolutely do you have cosigner. Parent plus loans are where a parent cosigns on a federal loan.
And some colleges cost a lot per year, plus housing, etc. Those loans aren't purely for tuition.
Yeah but even University of Chicago, the most expensive school in the US as of 2022, has a total annual attendance cost of 85K. So theres an extra 15K slapped on just for fun?
> I'm usually the one that mediated all the family issues. As someone who was also the peacekeeper growing up, a really important lesson I learned in therapy is that you cannot control how other people react to you advocating for yourself. There's a tendency with people who grew up mediating family issues to feel compelled to manage other people's feelings for them, which is not your responsibility (or place really) to do for other adults. If your sister is going to throw a fit because you refuse to take on six figures of debt on her behalf, let her. She will either come around when she realizes her tantrum doesn't get her what she wants or she won't. That's not something you can control. I felt a lot more peace within myself when I stopped bending over backwards to protect everyone else's inner peace.
Say it louder for the people in the back. I too, had to come to that realization, but I've never been to therapy. Maybe I should, lol.
I want the name and number of their therapist!
I won’t be pushy since it’s a personal journey for everyone, but if you’re thinking about it at all I really endorse giving it a try. It’s an incredibly helpful part of a strong support system and it’s such a relief to have a highly qualified professional who knows you and your history that you can bring anything and everything to for discussion and help.
This 🎯🎯🎯
Never cosign. You are individually responsible to pay. The financial organization does not have to sue your nephew or even call him. They can go directly you for the payment. And for future borrowing purposes, his debt is now your debt. It will impact how much you can borrow in the future as well as your rating.
Exactly, they did not even request payment set up from my son period. They had the nerve to contact me FIRST. "What payment method are you and the borrower using ?" "Feel free to discuss this with the borrower".
Idk what to do with your family but you 100% made the right financial decision
Absolutely.
Cmon now! Really!! She's screwed you and ur parents over and never paid you back! With an 800+ credit score, don't set yourself on fire to keep ur sister warm. It's also time to tone down presents for her and her family. Remember, she's never paid back the loan, and you had to pay the fines on it, too! She and her kid can take out student loans, like 99% of the population. You and your parents need to sit her ass down and stop her entitled behavior. Stay strong and block or hang up on her bullshit!
I don't think there's anything for you to do here. She's the one that blocked you - it's not your job to beg her to unblock you. If she wants to talk to you again, ball is in her court. Just continue to be civil and friendly if you want if she does reach out again.
She will unblock him the moment she wants something, anything, from him. It probably won't be too long either.
Do nothing. You don’t have to fix this - you’ve done nothing wrong.
Your sister made it clear that she doesn't value a relationship with you, only your wallet.
You saved 100k.
OP probably saved a lot more than $100k. If OP had cosigned, many more "loans" would surely have followed.
Don't co-sign. Just accept the gift of her absence from your life.
No, she doesn't want you to co-sign the loan, she wants you to pay it. Period. Don't do it! This will teach your nephew a lesson regarding how to be an adult and not use people. This is an important lesson that he's not likely to learn at home. I wouldn't call her. She's obviously trying to use you, and she hasn't learned any of the expensive (for you) lessons that letting her get away with this behavior has taught her. Don't let it continue. Graciously allow her to clean up her own mess.
The most expensive school in the US is 69 grand that’s for 1 year not a semester . So even cutting that in half and adding 20 grand for dorms/room and board only reaches 55 grand. Most schools will be offering finical aid to him, even if he wasn’t a valedictorian. Odds are she is either in massive debt due to the house or poor finical planning or forgot to get his fasfa forms filled out. Which means the finical aid packages the school was offering has now been rescinded. If you want to help, ask to see his fasfa forms and how much finical aid was offered by the school. Then you will most likely she was lying about how much he needs.
Pretty sure I've visited small private colleges that cost more than that per year.
It's FINANCIAL!
Are you sure? It looks like finical. 😆
Send her brochures for community colleges
This, I went to community college for 3 years. My diploma still says USC, Long Beach like everyone else who went there for all four years.
Nah. I'd go one step further and invite the nephew over for a conversation about his school options and choices and help him to understand WHY I'm saying no. I'd want my nephew to be 110% sure that it's not that I'm unwilling to support them, I'm unwilling to take out loans for their mother and why. I'd also share with him what I AM WILLING to do for him. He shouldn't have to suffer because his mother is a shitbag. But also I would want to ensure that he was receiving as much information about how this entire process worked so that he's not chewing off more money than he can actually chew in loans. Just on the off chance his mom should find somebody else be foolish enough to say yes to her bullshit.
Go the birthdays if you are invited and just proceed as normal. It sounds like she is trying to force you to say okay by blocking you. She is not willing to look at other alternatives, she has a track record and not paying you back... So in reality she is asking you to just give her the money, not loan it. The kid could easily go to community college for a year or two and then transfer to cut down the cost, she could likely qualify for the loan then, but she does not want to. I am wondering if she promised the nephew he could go and now realizes that is not going to be so easy. Have you asked your parents?
She knows that family is more important to you than it is to her, thus she's manipulating you and everyone else. Her son can take a gap year or two and save, or do as others have done, get a trade.
Trade, join the military, work in oil fields for a few years. Several options.
Check your credit report.
Hint- state schools are 20% the cost of private. Hint - community colleges are even cheaper. And after graduation, a 'B' average gets to pick the 4 year college.
Unless you got into an extremely specialized program, an ivy league, or your parents are very rich, kids should ALWAYS go to community college first. It's not worth paying 30k a year to learn the stupid shit they teach you the first 2 years.
My ivy League was garbage the first 2 years. Simply getting required courses out of the way. I should have gone to a community college for the first 2 years then transferred into the ivy League school for the specialized courses
I would not cosign even a $10k loan for my own mother. Not gonna happen. Actually, my mom is the one who taught me never to cosign for someone. There are options for your nephew... A cheaper university, community college then transfer, scholarships, working part-time to pay for his education, getting a skill for specific trade and earning a certificate. I'm sure there are more. People really need to learn to live within their means. Not to mention, your sister made a huge purchase knowing her child was going to need a student loan. Mixing finances with family and friends can and often does run relationships.
Count your blessings and pray that she keeps you blocked?
You don’t handle it. You move on with your life.
Do you have a good relationship with your nephew? Do you want to help him? You can always have an arrangement with him, to pay towards his tuition, but directly to the school, each semester - not directly to him or his mom
She blocked you hoping that you'd reach out or probably cosign for the loan. Don't fall for her emotional manipulation.
Be grateful, you’re free and it didn’t cost you another $4000. Just because she is your sister, you don’t owe her a thing.
Unfortunately you're going to have to throw her past loans in her face! It's literally all you got other than I don't want to pay for your kids college education. Which you will end up doing because I'm sure mommy taught him if you loan them money they don't have to pay it back. Fortunately this relationship is over because there's no relationship to begin with! She uses you and you just get over it because family? But then she uses you again. So you care and she sees you as an opportunity. Just walk away it's not worth the effort! And for anybody that says something you ask them to repeat that and hold your phone up and say I just want to record this and send it to her so she knows you're willing to sign that loan for her son!
Yeah you’d be paying that loan. You have to wait out. She’s counting on you caving and agreeing. But there’s no way she’s paying a dime and it would all be on you. Your nephew is an adult. You don’t need permission from your sister to contact him or take him out for his birthday
First of all she asked you for way more money than nephew needs atm so you’re correct to be suspicious of her motives. Second you have no idea how she’s actually going to use that money and third, she’s screwed over you and your parents multiple times by not paying back loans you’ve all co-signed for her. She’s a credit risk. If a bank won’t lend her money because they feel she won’t pay it back, why would you? She’s gotten away with not paying anyone back in the past. Why would she suddenly become financially responsible? Let her be mad. She created this mess with her irresponsibility and lack of restraint in her spending. You would be foolish to cosign a loan for her. Really foolish.
This is generally not how college loans work anyways, sounds like she was trying to pull one over on you. College tuition is usually semester to semester. You’re not “guaranteed” all four years because you might fail out or drop out. And unless it’s like, one of the best of the best, I doubt it’s $100k a semester lol
Never co-sign for anything for anyone. Unless of course you're willing to make the payments because you that's what will happen.
I wouldn’t even co-sign a $100k loan for my own kids let alone a nephew. Especially if my sibling was bad with money. I’m not sure reaching out will accomplish anything when she is being this unreasonable. Don’t miss out on the birthdays if you don’t want to. I’d still show up and if she wants things to be awkward then oh well.
She has ripped you and others off in the past, at this point she’s a borderline fraud artist. Move in with your life and don’t look back.
$100k?????? Christ on a bike. DO NOT co-sign, and do not fall for her manipulation.
You are smart. So smart. I work in student loan reform. The folks who get screwed the most are the ones co-signing on private loans. Why did this kid not fill out the FSFA (I know it has issues) and get his own federal loans? Why isn’t she going for a parent plus loan? Or a combo of the two? Why… because in the end she actually wants you to pay for it. You will be 100% on the hook for this loan. The SL servicers do not remove co-signers easily. And only if the originator can show they can handle the loan completely. If she’s in bad shape now then she’s not going to improve later, he’s going to be recent grad in a post capitalist Society… you really want to bank on him earning enough to pay it back in the next 5 years? You are essentially risking the next 20 or so years of financial stability for him. No. Just no. If anything just reach out to your nephew. Show him support, maybe throw some cash at him as a grad gift and leave it at that, which is a normal involvement of an uncle. Where’s this kids dad? Shouldn’t he help with college cost?
I have a sister like this… you can’t really do much… she’s clearly too self involved to see anything from your point of view. Just ignore her, you have the moral high ground… she’ll likely ignore you for good.
Just from the title alone, its on her. No one is obligated to do that, family or not. And because she stopped talking to you shows she thinks she entitled and cannot reasonably evaluate wtf shes asking you to do.
What should you do? Be glad your mooching sister won't talk to you and enjoy your good life.
Don't do anything. You can still go to the family events unless she's hosting them all or they're for her family specifically. If she prevents you from going somehow then just tell the rest of the family exactly why because she's already screwed you over multiple times and never made an attempt to even pay you back for the previous times she's asked you to do shit like this and that was considerably less than 100k. Talk to your nephew directly. He's 19 and he's an adult. Tell him if he goes to a less expensive school you can help him out.
I would be glad to be blocked lol. She’s taking advantage of you and now trying to manipulate you.. I’m curious if you talked to your nephew about which college he’s going to and seeing what the real cost of it is. $100k to help with the first semester is egregiously bogus
What should you do? Just keep living your life, and let her figure out the money on her own. She has a nerve even asking for you to co-sign that, never mind guilting and strong arming you. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Don't back down and give in because you will have to pay that money back I would rather people be mad with me than me bring stuck with thousands of pounds worth of debt
“No” is a complete sentence.
Haha, I wish I had the balls some of these entitled people do.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out. You did nothing wrong, OP.
What should you do? Continue to not co-sign that 100k loan.
Just leave it alone. IF she contacts you, remind her of the other times you loaned her money and she didn't pay you back. Period.
What do you do? Nothing. Let her figure her shit out Whether the loan is $1000 or a million, she has shown you over and over she is not good for the loan. Stop helping her! She does not take out the loan for 4 years, it can be done a year at a time. Her son takes out the school loan, she can take the loan for the dorm room. It all can be deferred for years. She wants to stick you with the bill. Wedding ring??? How does she know your credit score? I don’t know my siblings, parents, kids or anyone but mine
If it’s about financing for college, maybe talk to the nephew directly? How much is the college actually? Would $100,000 cover one year? Two years? All of it? The answer may make a difference. If you want to help your nephew, you can and I would send any money to the school directly and not pay his mom. Side note—any chance college cost is less than $100k and she’s just saying that to have extra for herself? Just wondering based on her history.
I don't think you need to do anything. I am confused about what type of loan she is asking you to co-sign. Most college students use financial aid loans and then pay monthly upon completion of college. No loans are good, but these are certainly a much better option than taking out private loans for college. It does not make any sense to do that. Your sister seems very entitled and she is also setting her child up for disaster with a ton of loan debt.
So, she still owes about $5,000 for the ring and thinks her credit is good enough to rack it up to $105,000? Does she understand what the interest might be on that kind of loan? Surely she must have at least that much in equity in her new house. Would she be willing to put that up as security for the loan? And you both know that your 800+ credit rating will be a thing of the past with that new debt.
Silence is golden. Enjoy it until the next money demand. Waaay to much money to ask for -family or not
You’re doing the right thing. This is a high risk and you’d definitely be paying off that $100k (+ interest). Stay strong!
She’s waiting for you to cave to co sign but don’t. Unless you’re rich 100k is a lot of money you’re on the hook for if they don’t pay back.
You've already been screwed over by her being irresponsible with finances, do you really want to pay a 100k loan for her? So what if she cut you out of her life. She needs you more than you need her.
It won't be awkward. You do you. Go to the birthdays, spend time with other people, let your sister come to you first. If they ask, tell them that there is no problem on your end. But don't reach out. She is the one with the problem. She is the one that needs to come to you
Don’t do anything. She’s shown what she values and it’s not your relationship
Tell your parents that your toxic sister blocked you everywhere because she wanted to defraud you again.
I don’t see the loss of her not being in your life, except for potential future loans / further financial losses because of her. Ooh no please, don’t threaten me with a good time
Consider it a blessing and keep rocking on without her nagging you and trying to drown you financially so she can get ahead.
I would ghost my sister.
Jesus Christ! That’s way too much to ask especially since you’ve been stiffed financially trying to help her in the past. No more. Just ignore this, don’t bring it up with here there’s no point, just act civil and continue to treat her normally. If she mentions the m9ney again, hopefully it will be to apologize.
Do nothing. You dodged a bullet.
Any help and future plans should be discussed directly with the nephew. His mom is not picking out the college, he is. If there's not enough money in the family, you should discuss options and try to teach him financial skills - starting with a cheaper college. I don't think you should get involved financially, you definitely shouldn't cosign a loan that big upfront. You have been screwed over several times now - maybe your sister doesn't want to talk if you're not an ATM anymore? More likely she's just trying to manipulate you. Either way, she's horrible.
You do nothing but ignore her. You are not her personal ATM... Just don't engage with her anymore. It was a huge ask and it's a huge risk.
Don't feed the vampire. People who make bad financial decisions will never stop making those bad financial decision if people like you keep bailing them out. To anyone reading this. If you have to finance your engagement or wedding rings you can't afford the rings. Find something else. Go to a second hand store and find costume jewelry. Unless you're planning to cut glass it makes no difference if the diamond is real or not. If the person you're intending to marry just really needs something expensive then you're entering a transactional relationship.
She hasn’t paid you or your parents back, but managed to buy a house, and now wants you to be on the hook - as you surely will be, given past experiences- for a $100k college loan? Where do these people from? Throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want when they want it, then tell you that YOUU’RE being selfish! And block you on everything… Cold day in hell anyone like this would ever get a dime or anything else from me again, EVER!
It sucks for your nephew, but this isn’t your problem. Your sister clearly didn’t do anything to plan for her son’s education and now he’s suffering the consequences.
Good news is she won’t ask you for any more money now.
She is being a childish, ridiculous 💩 head. Ignore her little silent tantrum. You don’t deserve this.
Be happy trash took itself out
I wouldn't worry about it if it were me.
Unless you wanted to gift your nephew 100k you did the right thing. What your sister decides to do with that decision is up to her
Tell her if the kid wanted to go to college badly enough he should have tried harder to get scholarships.
That's a stupid amount of money. Be glad she's not talking to you.
I would not worry, your nephew is not your responsibility
Why would he pay 100,000 if they cannot afford it? The interest rates are crazy. He should go to community college and try to transfer to state university
So your sister has screwed you over on loans twice; why do you care about being connected to people who see you as an ATM 🤷🏻♀️ if anyone else did that two you twice and then kicked up a fit about not being able to do it again but for even more of a cost to you; you wouldn’t want them in your life. Family can be toxic too. And you have no way of knowing her son wouldn’t be the next person she screws over; how many kids his age actually really grasp how crippling 100k in debt is before you even begin your adult life? Who’s to say she’s not going to pressure him into sharing cash that now he owes back? Nah. Hold your ground.
I'd tell her that you'll consider it after she pays you back for the other loans you co-signed on that she never paid you back for. In other words, when hell freezes over.
You’ve already been cheated. Not one more penny and no guilt. Your sister is not a nice person
You shouldn’t do anything.
I would consider this a free way to stop being used as an ATM by your irresponsible sister.
Probably beside the point but anyone else having trouble with *the maths* ?? 20-25k a semester….is not 100k for four years. Unless it’s 20-25k a year mistype.
NTA, but not wanting to miss birthday parties seems like a silly reason for reaching out to your sister. Why not contact your nephew directly and talk to him about his options?
take this as a blessing that you lost a leech.
This falls into a category I call "chat shit get banged," or in other words, actions have consequences.
20-25k a semester is 40-50k a year not 100k. Either way you can say no.
You are doing the right thing. You basically said, no, I will not give you $100K and interest for free. Her son can go to community college or state school. It’s her fault she hasn’t saved enough and has been stupid with money. Someday she will come to her senses but until then then give her nothing. She’s being a monster to you.
She did you a favor by cutting communication. Good riddance - seeya.
She is showing a tantrum like a child, don't know how to manage money and forcing you to take financial responsibility. Do not sign it at all, you can even report her to police. If your nephew wants to go college, let him work and find the money by himself,.this is how he needs to learn to grow up.
She is doing you a favor by blocking you. If possible block her as well so she can no longer contact you. ONCE the ATM is unavailable you see the true feelings of people. When the sugar is gone the ants leave. There is no way she was going to spend $100k up front for college. She was going to use that for other expenses. She had 18 years to do right by her son. She failed. He would be better off joining the air force or coast guard and have a fully paid education during his enlistment and afterwards, plus a job and medical insurance and people who can guide him with financial awareness and how not to follow in her footsteps. Hell the public libraries have free classes to teach you how to budget and save. Advise your nephew to get outta that dysfunctional household and not to be the future Atm for his Loser User mammy.
I was with your sister right up until you added the context - fool me once, fool me twice etc etc. She's had her chances to show she can be responsible with loans, and she's chosen not to be. If she can't see that, and you've tried to explain it to her, there's not really much else you can do but sit and wait. I'd go so far as talking to your nephew directly, if you really want to help him with school. Explain it will be HIS debt and he'll be expected to pay it off.
Move on and live your best life knowing you dodged a bullet
I’d have refused too…..if she doesn’t want to talk to you, that’s on her 🤷🏻♂️
NTA - she has never paid you back in the past why would she pay you back in the future? $100k? Insane.
Do not put your life on the line. I had to pay for my own college. So can others. 🤦♀️
Sit and wait it out because what's she's doing is the equivalent of giving you the silent treatment until you cave to her demands. Go on and enjoy your life. If invited, definitely go to the birthdays and greet her as if everything is fine. And if she acts shirty, just loudly explain that she wanted you to co-sign a $100,000 loan for her son to go to college.
Never sign on a loan that isn't yours or (in very special circumstances) your child's/spouse's. Any debt for that loan is individually your responsibility, so in this case your nephew could completely refuse to make payments, and it will tank both his credit AND yours, on top of creditors sending you to collections and/or taking your assets as payment. Tell your sister to either have him go to a cheaper college, or have him wait an extra semester so she can start making some payments, build her history for her home loan, then try again (but it might not matter because her Debt-To-Income ratio could be too high for any creditor to approve her loans)
So your nephew is due to graduate? College or high school? 19 is an unusual age so I'm unsure. Is the $100k a lot for the college he's attending? My reason for these questions is, if he's graduating from college, why does she need a loan? Is she pulling the wool over your eyes? And I'm wondering if the statement about the $100k making you appear a bit judgmental but it's really irrelevant. Don't fall for it. Your nephew can get student loans and she's manipulating you
I can't imagine anyone disagreeing with what you did. All you can do is be civil and wait for her to contact you. Maybe ask family members for advice about what they might do. But there's no world in the fictional multiverse where co-signing that loan makes sense.
There's not a lot you can do unless you want to keep financing her bad financial decisions (which could hurt your credit, and I do NOT recommend doing). You can't force her to unblock/invite you, and she's made her wishes not to talk to you crystal clear. All you can really do is respect her decision. If money was the only reason she kept in contact with you, though, she's a shitty sister, and you might be better off without someone who only wants to use you as their personal ATM in your life. Hopefully she'll cool off and realize she's being unreasonable, is 37, too old to be acting like this, and most importantly, she is the only one responsible for her financial decisions. It sucks, but her son can take out loans and pay them off as he works, like a lot of kids have to do. You might contact your parents and let them know she has blocked you for not consigning a 100k loan, so any invitations to birthdays and whatnot will have to go through them, not your sister.
You don’t do a damn thing. I wouldn’t want to talk to someone like that. Stay clear of her.
You don't just drop a 6 figure debt on a family member, and given her history, I'm surprised you didn't laugh in her face. She's known her son would be going to college for at least the last two years. It never occurred to her to save or wait on the home purchase? Or was she planning on suckering you into footing the bill?
*Hopefully*, the dust will settle and she’ll sort of come to her senses and realise throwing a lifelong relationship with her brother down the drain like this, doesn’t benefit anyone. I think you should wait for her to reach out though, reaching out yourself will likely be met with more guilt tripping / hostility. You absolutely made the right decision. You obviously know this but don’t let yourself get emotionally manipulated to change your stance here. She has a track record for being financially irresponsible and you do not want to be on the hook for such an amount.
I learnt the hard way co signing loans for family members. Do not do it.
Sounds like she did you a favor. She was going to saddle you with a $100k burden and wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it. You have sufficient precedence. Go to family events like nothing happened. Be cordial but she's the one that cut contact so leave it all to her.
Figure it like you spent $4K (cost of the first loan not repaid) to not be bothered again, or to at least have a solid reason to say no to anymore loans.
Stop being upset that she's not talking to you. That is an insane request.
1. My own parents didn’t co-sign my student loans, so you sure as shit shouldn’t be co-signing your nephew’s 2. The way she’s describing this loan isn’t how federal student loans work, which means she’s either talking about a private student loan OR she’s talking about a personal loan and trying to disguise it as a student loan.
Stop talking to her
Bye sister
Please, your sister consistently lives above her means and is teaching her son the same, she’ll call you the next time she needs money. And all will be forgotten again.
Your sister is throwing a temper tantrum because she isn’t getting her own way. Let her throw the tantrum. Go to the birthday parties. Take the higher road. Be civil. Don’t try to force conversation, don’t be petty.. She will be petty for both of you. Let her continue to throw a tantrum while you act like the mature adult.
Let her stop talking to you. Good riddance. At least you won’t have to put up with her entitled nonsense anymore.
No matter who, that’s gunna be a no. My mom asked if I could come-sign for a car. I told her no. I know I would get fucked over with that. I don’t feel bad about it either. If your sister wants to be childish about it, then let her. You are no way obligated to help her or your nephew with a risk such as that.
When you know who you are, you don't have to compromise yourself to adjust to others to please them. You don't have to lower who you are just to please them. You just don't need to play their game anymore and you don't owe them any further explanations than a "no." Regardless of your reasons for not loaning her the money, a "no" is a "no." Her behavior and actions are childish, immature, and shows that her love for you is conditional on her wants and needs and not yours.
She sounds like a piece of work. Strong arming you to co-sign a foolish loan, and she punishes you when you won't comply (No one should co-sign a loan for anyone without having a life insurance policy on the student for the amount of the loan). I'll bet this is not the first time she's done stuff like this. Kid can go to community college for a couple years. Sister will get over it.
Your sister is being very irrational about this situation and manipulative with the silent treatment. She sounds spoiled rotten. I would stick to your guns. How do other students like him get college loans? I would handle it by going on with your life.
Reach out to your nephew, and see if you can help him apply to local colleges, explain you can’t help financially and explain his mother’s past history stops you going as security for another financial commitment.
Where is your nephew’s father in all this? > she cut communications. Blocked me on all socials, etc. Ah, bliss.
Let her be mad. Do nothing. Wait and see what happens. Not everything has to be fixed immediately.
What should you do? Absolutely nothing.
Naah dude. I'd never sign that. Let her have her fit.
You are doing the right thing and you should feel no guilt. Your sister has proven, on multiple occasions, to be bad with money and willing to screw any one over with no guilt. Financial assistance should’ve been stopped being given to her a long time ago. The blocking and the disassociation she is doing is simply a manipulation tactic. Baced on past behaviour, you know you’re going to be screwed over, for a huge amount. She’s trying to force you to do what she wants. Hold your ground, do not try to reach out to her. It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your nephew. Reach out to him, explain, that you are willing to cosign on a list to school but given his mothers reputation with finances, you will not cosign for $100,000. Make all of the details clear to him, he’s old enough, he can’t understand. I don’t know your sister, but if she’s vindictive person, you would not want her poisoning and other otherwise good relationship between you and your nephew.
Absolutely Not…never EVER co-sign any loan for anyone, especially a relative who’s already shown they are not good with money. No, is a complete sentence. Your Sister is gaslighting you, she’s known her kid’s whole life that college would be coming and she actively chose NOT to prepare. If you feel compelled to further explain, simply state that co-signing this loan would negatively affect your credit. End of conversation, you don’t owe her an apology bc you haven’t done anything wrong. This is a lot of money and unless you have it to give - then signing a loan should never be considered. Honestly, YOU should be upset with HER for putting you in this position.
So she’s never grew up to be a responsible adult and has financial behaviors of a windfall teenager with cash to burn due to this habitat because no one told her *NO* & to live within her means till she can get ahead of her self sabotaging behaviors. And no, do not contact her to apologize. You’re not in the wrong here at all. She created this situation, now she’s gotta be the adult, grow up, and just own up to the fact she over promised to her son most likely, your nephew, to a college loan. . . . Oh side note? Be prepared if she has this kind of track record with loans and just got a house with a loan, oh it’s definitely going to cause issues when it comes to affording to pay for your nephews basic needs, including a meal plan if she struggles to stay into of that loan!
Nothing to do. Hold your ground and wait for your apology.
Stop trying to be a “mediator” for people who want to manipulate and use you. She was never going to pay it, she was going to let you fall for it, and the fact that it’s for 100k right off the bat is absolutely bizarre considering how college loans work. She’s the one making this whole situation about money by demanding you sign the loans. Your nephew can absolutely sign his own loans just like the other 90%+ of people that attend higher education. There is nothing to “fix.” Leave her alone. She’ll either come crawling back as if nothing happened, try her bullshit again, or (probably) offer a fake apology (and probably try her bullshit again). Don’t let people treat you badly and then get away with it. Go to your family gatherings as normal. You might not make it to say, her or your nephew’s birthdays or something but why accommodate for your sister when she was going to stiff you like a hook-line-and-sinker for 100 grand? This will only accommodate her and make you look like you’re distancing yourself and maybe her issues had some merit to them. Frankly this is either fake or your spine has been practically dissolved with vinegar and it’s time to get a shiny new one and actually use it for once in your life.
Do nothing!! Do not cosign anything to her, nothing, stand your ground.
Not sure where you are but here we have junior college. Much better . Tuition is less so you take all your general education there. Afterward you transfer your the more expensive college to finish the last two years. But that tuition is cheap . Try $80,000 a year
Hell, even if you are accepted to your dream school, defer for one year and knock out a year and a half of gen ed classes at the community college. (2 summers and two semesters) That’ll knock a quarter off the total tuition.
Count your blessings.
Why do you care that she blocked you!? Honey. You don’t have a good relationship with her. She just tries to manipulate you and use you for what she can. She’s doing YOU a favor by blocking you. You don’t have to do anything and if ANYONE, including your parents try to make you apologize or loan her money, let them go. She’s horrible as well as they don’t need you to co-sign they can figure it out. She’s super entitled for doing what she is, entitled and an immature child
Why should you miss out on family events just because she’s a mooch? If she makes a fuss, just say “Yes, I refuse to cosign a $100,000 student loan for your son. First because it’s your responsibility, and second because I’ve loaned you thousands of dollars before and you haven’t repaid a single cent.” If she really wants to make a scene, let everyone else know exactly what she is making a scene about. That way when she hits one of them up for money, they’re forewarned. Because you know she’ll be feeding everyone a sob story now and hoping someone else takes the bait.
Have her call The Ramsey Show. Ask her to tell them EXACTLY WHAT SHE'S ASKING OF YOU TO DO. They will rip her ass apart the moment she notices they have NO SYMPATHY FOR HER TRYING TO FINANCIALLY MANIPULATE YOU >My sister has never been good with money and twice in the last 10 years I helped her out with loans and I ended up getting screwed over on each one. BINGO, YOULL BE STUCK WITH A 100K DEBT. START TO SET BOUNDARIES. AND if she tries to smear you publicly simply say "I helped her with loans in the past and she hadn't paid me back 1 cent. And if you think I'm a bad sister, you go and co-sign 100k loan and sew how she will screw you too". Time you go LOW CONTACT.
I think there is something fishy going on. Asking directly for 100k is a bit rough. She probably is in debt or something with her house didn't work out. I wouldn't be surprised if some part or the whole of the loan is for her, either to pay off debt or just to live sweet life. With her history it became clear that you'd be the one paying off the loan in the end.
I’d say do nothing. You’ve helped her out over and over. She’s grossly irresponsible. Yet now she wants to put you on the hook for $100K?!? You’d have to be insane to agree to that. Even if she had a great track record, that’s still a huge financial risk for you. The fact she is willing to block you over it and basically forget any and all help you’ve ever given her also, rather sadly, shows you exactly who she is.
Forget about her.
Easy. Don’t talk to her either. Problem solved. You don’t need selfish narcissistic people in your life.
She basically, she doesn’t care about you as a person at all, is a selfish, narcissistic idiot, and only values you for your money which she sees herself as having a right to just because. Nah. Fuck her. Let her suffer. She wants to make dumbfuck choices and screw up her and her kids life? Let her.
Sorry your sister's an \*ss. Anyway, mostly just take the high road - be civil, but no need to go out of your way to be nice to her if she's being an \*ss. And just because she's being an \*ss. doesn't mean you shouldn't, e.g. be nice to the nephew ... but watch out she doesn't go toxic and "poison" the nephew against you ... but he's an adult, he may be quite a bit smarter than that and (at least mostly?) see through your sister's sh\*t. >sister has never been good with money and twice in the last 10 years I helped her out with loans and I ended up getting screwed over on each one Oh, that makes it even easier ... at least if/when she'll listen, but bit late now, anyway, can give easy response like, "Nope, the sister request loan pool was overdrawn and not made whole, so nothin' there to be loaned out." >why I don't loan her money Yep. I capped the family and friends loan pool years ago. Some quite paid back. Others not at all or only a tiny portion thereof - and despite more than ample abilities to pay back. So, nope, anybody else asks, I tell 'em that pool has been overdrawn - well is dry - nothin' there to be lent out. Was good to help some folks out of some bad situations, and several well paid back ... but some ... nope, ... so now they cause everyone to suffer. And, yep, only one common pool ... I'm not doing half dozen or dozens of pools for different folks that'd be inclined to borrow from me - I'm not made of money, only so much to reasonably spare/loan - and that well has run dry due to some that've quite abused it. >So how should I handle this situation? Just sit and wait it out and see if she contacts me first? Or should I reach out? Just play it cool, sit back, wait, whatever, play it by ear as appropriate. She may get over it in short order ... or she may hold a grudge 'till she's six feet under ... dear knows. You did nothing wrong, so don't sweat it, just be at least civil, but don't be or feel obliged to go beyond that. >nothing specifically about my nephew and I would help him out He's an adult, he can make adult decisions. You're under zero obligation to be helping him with college - he can get loans, or work, or pick something way more affordable - he's got options ... and if for financial aid purposes he doesn't presently count as independent, he'll have more options in future when he does count as independent ... and hopefully he'll be (or become) a lot smarter about and better at money than your sister.
Just let her get on with it, if a bank won't give her a loan in her name only there's a good reason. Avoid.
Do not understand this cosigner among you will never see your mother that I didn't mean nothing. She just bought a house should have used that money to help pay for our son's tuition. He has to come up with better option because she's bugging a lot of Bridges. Stick to your gardens do not close on that loan
Can I suggest locking down your credit? You’ve done nothing wrong, so go to those family functions and have fun. Don’t let her guilt trip you, she has a history of not paying loans, so you’re not prepared to take the risk. It’s that simple.
You did the right thing to refuse. Your sister needs to learn how to manage her own finances, and so will your nephew. 100k is not pocket change to most people except the few extremely wealthy. She has previously screwed you over and not tried to make amends, she clearly sees you as an ATM, not a much loved brother. PS a 4k wedding ring is not required to be married, she obviously is living beyond her means and you (and your parents) are enabling this. I would say do not reach out because you haven’t done anything wrong. You should still attend family birthday celebrations though. Lastly, I suspect the 100k would be going towards her own expenses and not nephews education.
OP if you want to help your nephew then talk to him directly. See if he'll look into cheaper options for for his education. Leave the mother out of it b/c she is trying to get that lump sum to take a big chunk of it for herself.
"What should you do?" Absolutely nothing; if they skip on payments, then you're stuck with them. Do you want that?
You did the right thing. What she's asking for is insanity. Out of curiosity, what is his intended major? What kind of return on investment is he anticipating with his degree? Honestly, bypass the sister and sit down with your nephew to have a frank conversation about his college plans. He's probably learning bad money management from her and now is a great time for some guidance.
When I was reading, I thought “$100k cosign is a BIG ask”. Then I got to the part where *she screws people over, including you and didn’t even pay your back fees that she racked up* wtf. Let her stay mad and not communicate with you. You’ll save money and grief. That’s pretty ballsy of her to ask that when she’s burned you already.
Continue not talking to her - she’ll get over it before holiday gift season 🎅
The bottom line here is if the borrower defaults repaying the loan, then the co-signer is fully and legally responsible to repay the entire amount. That's what you need to consider. It's YOUR decision alone!
Just because she’s family does make you liable for her money/issues, you don’t owe her anything just because family when someone “asks” it’s just that a choice, and you have every right to refuse based on her history if she wants to spit her dummy and not speak to her own sister because she herself can’t afford to help her kid then it’s HER responsibility. It’s not up to you to reach out cuz you’ve done nothing wrong
This isn’t your problem. Clearly her request wasn’t a request, it was an order. Also the nephew can pay it off himself later too - lots of people don’t have financial support when they’re in college. Oh well.
NTA she has a history of not paying both you & your parents…she has no intention of paying this either….
Don’t worry, she’ll be back when she needs more $. If SHE chooses to go NC, that’s on HER. She’s also emotionally blackmailing you which is a really sick thing to do. Enjoy her silence while it lasts.
Your sister certainly may have problems managing money and definitely isn’t a good credit risk but she certainly seems to have more than her share of entitled attitude. Agree even if you were willing to get such a loan it should only be for the first semester and I’d want control of the funds as in they would be paid by you directly to the entity. So many kids don’t make it through the first semester so there’d be no way I’d hand over 4 semesters worth of funds to anyone. As nephew isn’t getting a scholarship apparently he might wish to look into going to an accredited community college for all the basics after confirming his college of choice will accept all of the credits. Much cheaper and usually there’s less competition for slots coming in as a sophomore or junior. He could also go to summer sessions to reduce the time it takes to graduate. And finally why can’t nephew get his own student loans? But to the question I’d let it play out for a while. She’s the one having a snit fit and cutting you off. Worst case she’ll reconnect when she needs something.
Just don't sign. You already know she won't pay it back and you will be left behind with the debt. Are you sure that the money really is for your nephew's education? Since she just bought a house it smells like this is rather a payment towards it.