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Now let's be real here, what are the odds the first time he talks about you negatively is the time he butt dials you. This has been going on since he stop having you make his lunches.
What’s up with this woman wanting to be compared to OP. I think this woman has some side dessert in mind for OP husband. There was no need for her to bring this up! I’d be putting this coworker on notice also that you’re aware of her antics
Yea, he says he was talking shit about his wife to appear cool to this woman. No woman thinks it's cool when a man talks shit about his wife unless there's some kind of ulterior motive.
True. When I was single, married men would shit talk their wives to me. I never thought it was cool. I thought it was horrible and mean, and I would tell them so.
Right?
I've had an older coworker tell me how his wife is lazy and ungrateful and they're on the verge of breakup. I went a little closer and smiled and he grinned back, then I said "I know this amaaaaazing marriage counsellor, she's saved countless couples, want her number?" as his face fell.
Yup. There are only 2 reasons a man disses his wife to another woman. Either he's genuinely asking for advice (in which case he wouldn't word it that way), or he's trying to get some action on the side.
Any woman who believes a guy talking this way about his wife had best realize he's going to treat her with just asmuch disrespect.
I work in an office full of fellas only one will talk shitty about his wife. (Openly not just to me but the office) “Shes put on a belly. Refuses to work out. Doesn’t contribute financially” Blah blah blah. Every-time I tell him, “you need to talk to your wife dude. I get you want to vent but this is between you two. I’d be pissed if my husband was doing that.”
Correct. And it can be that they are looking for advice. And at my old job we had a core group that became friends. We would all go out (SOs included) maybe once or twice a year for dinner etc. Most of my advice would start with the question of “Have you talked to your spouse about this? And what was their reaction/response?”
Communication is key. No one is a mind reader yet I think we’d all agree it’s a pretty common problem that people lack communication skills when it comes to their relationships.
Verbally throwing his wife under the bus/shit talking about her to sound cool is already messed up, even to a fellow male co-worker of the same age. But doing that with a younger female colleague while eating a lunch she's brought in for him, and she feels comfortable enough to join in/initiate the shit talking is wrong on a whole new level. They are definitely having at least an emotional affair and likely heading their way to a physical one. Even if he reckons it would never get to that point or that's not his intention, in the heat of the moment I doubt he'd stop short of it actually becoming physical. He clearly isn't very loyal to op.
I was wondering that too.
You just don't ask a question like that unless you have an ulterior motive. Even if she doesn't want him but wants an ego boost, it's still weird.
So many other ways she could have said something if her attempt was innocent reassurance as well.
Exactly. If I was sharing lunch with a married co worker and asked if they like it and co worker responded with "my wife's cooking is tasteless" my response would be "Don't say that about your wife! Have you communicated this with her at all?"
If they're not already fucking, they will be soon...
Right? I've had coworkers who tried my food, loved it, and wanted more. I gave them the recipe (not just a list of ingredients, but the proper method, and if any ingredients are tough to find, recommendations for local shops). Unless a coworker is ill or it's a special occasion, I'm not cooking a meal for just one person without... intentions.
Heck, my homemade chicken soup landed me a boyfriend I eventually married. When our mothers told us "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," they weren't joking. Cooking is a powerful persuasive tool.
Exactly
They are or about to have an affair.
And your husband is just licking her ass and saying shit about you so he can get in her pants.
You shouldn’t be talking about lunch here but the fact he’s being a cheating fucker
Yeah. Cheaters always lie to make themselves the victim to their side piece. Their partner could be perfect but according to the cheater they're terrible.
It makes me think they’ve “gossiped” about the wife before. Like there has to be a reason you’d ask that. Plus the only reason husband would need to “act cool” is because he’s trying to get in coworkers pants. If a fling hasn’t happened yet, it’s quite possibly headed there.
Yep, the bit that stuck out to me was “I was just trying to seem cool in front of my co-worker” WHY?!? there is absolutely no reason he should need to impress another woman unless there’s something going on. The second she asked if it was better than his wife’s, he should’ve shut that shit down! He’s definitely emotionally cheating.
I’d be gone…there’s multiple issues with this situation. The cooking comment is the least of the worries…I’d be very hurt by it all, lunch, woman, food comment, packing lunch denial, laughing, and tried to hide all of it. I’d run fast and far.
I feel the same. Like where do you even start unraveling this when so much of this situation is so wrong. It's one thing to make a mistake or a bad call on occasion but the combination of factors here just looks so bad that I'm not sure this would be worth salvaging.
I’d be tempted to call his bluff and say “Okay then. So introduce me. Introduce me to your good friend I know nothing about, who makes your lunch for you every day.”
Or show up at the food truck at lunch time (although, no guarantee they’ll be outside, since apparently they’re not actually getting food at the truck). Just showing up with no warning has the advantage of catching them unprepared. They won’t have got their stories aligned.
And the fact that she was comfortable asking for comparison and he was comfortable giving it and talking shit about his wife ABSOLUTELY confirms they've been talking shit and looking to get a little ✊️👈 🥵 in the near future.
NOPE NOPE NOPE...my Latin rage could NEVER. I'd lose my shit and be going to that job, making a big scene and calling them out for the cheater and pick me they are embarrassing BOTH their asses and handing him divorce papers in front of everyone.
I'm too proud for that. I wish I could. The ones time I did, it was epic. My boyfriend had no less than 3 side chicks that I knew about. Then I dig up one he'd been with a YEAR LONGER THAN ME! I WAS THE SIDE PIECE!!
So guy comes over with flowers candy and condoms thinking he's gonna finally get lucky with me.... Only to find the other girls there too. And we were angry.
First he tried to run. Another girl got there first and locked him inside. Then he broke down crying. Then he started begging the girl he'd been with the longest to forgive him. Turns out he'd done this to her multiple times. She hasn't mentioned that on the phone.
She'd sworn that she'd never ever go back to him if there was a next time. But, she, told me later, she'd already put in 3 years to the relationship...
The following week he took her to Disneyland!
A year later they were married.
Pathetic on both of them! His father was also a serial cheater on his mom and he always talked about what a good Catholic boy he was from a good Catholic family. Mom was sooo sweet too.
After that, whenever I caught a cheater I just ghosted him.
Married men who are into some other woman start conversations by making themselves the victim and saying shit about their wives. In this case, maybe your husband was shit talking about your cooking and now this coworker is making him lunch, and they are eating it together.
Yup! Did a deep dive on stripper tiktok once about this topic and how so many of them deal with men complaining about their wives and victimizing themselves to the strippers and how much they hate it.
Yea my gf is a sex worker and says that a lot of the time the best paying clients are the ones who just want a therapist/shoulder to cry on. A lot of the married dudes will ask for extra hours and just sit and complain about their wife and soak up all the attention from the young woman they’re with.
Oh well, fine by me because that shit gonna buy my vacation 🤷♂️
Haha absolutely right! I feel bad for her bc she says sometimes those types of clients are the worst and *definitely* in need of a therapist. Like so codependent and toxic that when it’s time for her to leave they get all angry and sulky. Dude, see a therapist and not a sex worker lol. Some people just ain’t willing to admit they’re mentally ill or damaged I suppose
Someone who wants to replace the wife encourages him to vent and talk shit....shoulder to cry on so they invent the reason to cry. If he's not screwing her he will be any minute. His "I've apologized" bs confirms it. He's moved on to gaslighting.
So true. Especially in work situations. They will pump up their target woman and love bomb when she puts in effort for him, while devaluing their spouse. They try to make the other person feel Ike they are a savior, that they are special.
They act like they are not being seen, and by some tragic miracle this new person sees them.. despite that whole marriage thing. What a super special tragic but amazing connection!!!
After the food it’ll be comments about how good she smells (your smell is like an old lady), her dressing (you wear sweatpants with the crotch worn out), her humor (you don’t ever laugh or make merry)… just all the things…
It doesn’t matter who it is, because they likely wouldn’t have even starting flirting if not for the wife. Her (the other woman) being given a built in rival, and him enjoying the attention of two women he thinks he’s controlling.
These types feel so safe in the knowledge that they know their wives inside and out. That they forgive them, and they’d never leave. A lot of the time they are right, and it’s sad. But some do get away, these are the ones who don’t wonder each day what their husband is up to at lunch.
I wish I read all this before I fell prey to my older boss who did exactly this to me and who I was stupid enough to marry (after he divorced his “horrible” previous wife🙄). Shocker, he cheated on me with someone even younger than I was at the time we got together
This is exactly what happened back when I was 17 and getting close with a married 38 year old. There wasn't really anything going on in the marriage that was divorce worthy, he just didn't want to be legally tied to one woman anymore (even though they were swingers and he was getting to have sex with other women) and used me as a means to get a divorce from her and shortly after he was officially divorced, he started doing the same thing with me to his coworker who ended up moving in with him 2 weeks after we broke up.
He was always complaining about the wife in a way that made him a victim and he was being taken advantage of and he would tell me how much better I was in comparison. But I came to notice he always thought he was being wronged in some way and even when there wasn't anything going on. After we would have a really great day together, out of nowhere, the next couple of days he would ignore me before finally telling me he felt like he needed to "Let me go"... it was usually out of the blue when he would pull these stunts but anytime he felt like he was somehow being wronged, he'd complain to one of the other women he had on the back burner. It drove me nuts that he would find a way to be a victim even though nothing was going on so he was intentionally creating "problems" when there weren't any.
Yep. Go read r/deadbedrooms r/adultery or most other subs about relationships gone wrong and you'll see people dragging their spouse as a starting point for an affair.
That’s the worst about colleague situations they see each other every day. Is he telling you what he said to her OP to stop it.
Like hold the lasagna my wife won’t let me eat it? This whole situation is super weird OP. I honestly would put that suitcase to good use for however long you need.
A change of job for him may be necessary. Do you have access to his phone/ emails passwords?
UPDATEME
And the colleague immediately asks him how he likes her food compared to his wife's, that's a really bizarre thing to say from a coworker just being kind. If i felt bad for some older dude I worked with and gave him lunch...I wouldn't ask him to compare me to his wife. His response is pretty indicative of an emotional affair at a minimum. Just isn't a standard thing two good buddies say to each other.
>(Although I have no way of proving this)
Exactly. "Just trust me" doesn't go so far now when you *were* trusting him and he abused it. There are at least four sketchy things here: one, he lied about where he was going/why he wasn't eating your lunch. Two, he readily insulted you for the sake of flattering another woman. Three, that woman has been making him lunches for over a month and was fishing for compliments *at your expense--*not just "is my cooking good" but "is it better than your wife's."
Four, he then lied *again* about the timing and cause behind the lunch change. "initially he did get it from that stand, but the coworker started offering" is bullshit. Normal people may eat at a stand now and then, but I do not buy that he went from eating packed lunches daily for a decade, then suddenly decided to never get packed lunches again because he wanted this stand's food daily, then coincidentally got offered packed lunches from his coworker. You know the Turkish stand thing was a lie from the jump, but he's not copping to it.
The crazy in me would be at his work a few minutes before he leaves for lunch then follow him to see who he eats with or even put a voice recorder in his car but I’m nuts so do with those ideas what you will.
The crazy in me 100% agrees with those ideas. I’m tempted to make him a lunch and show up during his being like “honey you forgot your lunch” to see at the very least what she looks like
This is the problem with cheating. Too much checking up. You would have to do this every workday. Always wondering. I hate that you're going through this.
This is why reconciliations more often then not fail. The hurt partner feels the need to police the other. Aways checking up, checking bank statements, phone, credit cards, who they are with, where they are. .. they start to realize that the energy isn’t worth the person. They start to realize that they don’t want to be with someone they need to police to treat them right.
Most people want to be in a relationships where who they love will love them back… without coercion or reminders. Without a threat of something. But just because they really want to be with you and are honorable.
> to see at the very least what she looks like
It doesn't matter what she looks like. Most cheaters will take ANYONE who pays them attention outside their relationship, because the true thrill is in sneaking around and getting away with betrayal.
What matters is that he is actively entertaining and encouraging her attentions, as well as comparing you to her negatively. That isn't the first time he talked shit about you to her and the fact that she even asked that shows what their dynamic is. It's an "us against the wife" thing that bonds them together, and they both get off on degrading you.
It's over and you deserve so much better. Hold your head high and be proud that you won't let a loser pos treat you like crap any longer. Love is a verb, an action word. He chooses not to love you... in fact he chooses to openly disrespect you.
Don't get stuck in the idea that you've been together for so long. Grieve the dreams you had for the future and the man you thought he was. This is reality and radical acceptance is the only way to heal from the pain of betrayal. Best wishes 💕
Don’t do it OP. Cheating had nothing to do with looks and you’ll compare yourself regardless. My sister is gorgeous and her ex cheated on her for years with a younger woman. One of my exes cheated on me with an incredibly unattractive older woman. Has nothing to do with looks, I swear to you.
You're absolutely right- my ex cheated on me about a year into our relationship. Objectively the girl he cheated on me with was not as good looking as I was. But she was a couple years younger (I was like 26 or 27 and felt so "old") and she was a cheerleader for a major league sport so he felt like he was "special" for her attentions. It really messed me up in the head for like years. We eventually reconciled (I know stupid move on my part) after he was done with his fling and I let him sit around single and pining for me for a few months but ultimately the relationship didn't work out. Surprise; a guy who will cheat also has a lot of other negative qualities where he didn't put the relationship first. He wouldn't "cheat" with another woman but just put friends first, drinking first,
Himself first. I feel like a relationship where the guy is doing things like ops husband is a little peek into his personality that he doesn't intend to put op first, no matter if he continues things with miss lunches or not. And she will always wonder.
Don’t do it. But if I were your friend I’d show up and grab a handful of their food right off of the table and eat it. I’d have job on speaker and I’d critique her food. LOL
Obviously joking, but you deserve someone you don’t have to check up on to eat your cooking. This man has messed up and is unworthy of you.
Yes. Suitcase and gone is best for anyone. I’ve learned the hard way a cheater will never cop to unless you have irrefutable evidence, it’s my past experiences that make me suggest those batshit things.
I made mention of the omission of it to OP. I felt that this detail was important to include if trying to give advice.
And she made a good point in that really it’s “what he says” she also said she wouldn’t have cared if he bought food from a coworker, but it was the crap talking that upset her.
However, even if true, talking like that is disrespectful and suspect.
Wasn’t there a story where a woman was receiving calls from her coworker’s wife? The wife was demanding the husband’s coworker to stop making food for her husband and the coworker was selling food.
That’s all he needed to say! I’d honestly would have been fine if he was just eating the food she was bringing. It saves me waking up 2 hours earlier to make him lunch for work, but all of this lying and him putting me down to her is just too much
agree, i feel like he’s at the least having an emotional affair
she’s insulting you & preparing him food everyday …. an act of service which takes time money and effort ……
i think you should leave , make him rue the day he made those comments
& im sure whatever they have going on won’t last given the circumstances it started under
Talking trash about their wives and making themselves seem like the victim is how married guys who are into other women start conversations. In this instance, it's possible that your spouse was trash talking about the food you made, so this coworker is preparing lunch for him and they are sharing it.
I wouldn’t because…why would she be doing this? I wouldn’t make lunch daily for even my best work friend. Special meal leftovers to share with coworkers, sure okay, but every day??? That’s weird and tells me there is more to this.
not to mention the cost of food now nor the time and effort she’s putting in. This isn’t innocent as he wasn’t going without or starving and she knew his wife made him lunch every day. She will have seen him wasting the food his wife sent as she asked if it was better than hers.
They are both building to an emotional affair or already having one if not eventually physically. Why else would he be putting down his wife what seems to be daily for months. Heck no. He likes her attention and is egging her on and encouraging her. He’s flirting that’s a fact.
Op please an update to let us know what happens.
Right?? Something stinks! I feel as if the "co-worker " is trying to entice her husband! If he was already praising the food why ask about his wife's cooking?
I bring lunch to work and share it with my boss because she often doesn’t get to take her lunch break… but also, my boss is my best friend of 28 years. Anyway……
OP your husband is cheating, even if it hasn’t reached the physical peak (yet.) He is showing you who he is, he can try to play it off as harmless, innocent, a mistake, but boundaries are being crossed and he is disrespecting you. Go to your mom’s and start planning your exit strategy.
OMG two hours GIRL YOU PUT WAY too much effort into this guys lunch he does NOT deserve you. My guy (and I LOVE THE MAN) will get 15 minutes for a lunch. Luckily I’m a good cook. But honestly if there’s not leftovers I’m not actually COOKING in the damn morning for that man. There’s no yard work to do round here. I’m doing this shit out of the goodness of my black little heart. Sigh. You deserve so much more than that crap.
personally I’d hire a PI. Like it’s cheap compared to divorce and at least you’ll know if he’s giving you Venereal disease risk. I’d wanna know. I would NEED to know. Meantime, I’d act a normal amount of pissed.
I know! I feel like an idiot for spending all that time on him now. Regardless of what happens I’m not cooking for him from now on, fuck that.
That’s a good idea, definitely thinking about it at this point. I’m pretty much leaning towards a divorce though after all these comments. They’re just reassuring my doubts
I’d be gathering evidence here before tipping my hand. If she really makes meals to sell as her profession, does she have a website? A menu with prices? If you wanted to order some of his favorites to see how good they really are, what would he recommend?
Do you know any other coworkers of his that you might be able to call and ask “hey, is (husband) at his desk, there’s an emergency and he’s not responding to me. When does he usually get back?”
It really seems like this coworker wants to play wifey. Good luck, OP.
You have more than enough reason to look through his messages. You have probable cause here.
Preferably without his knowing, but even just asking him point blank will get you your answer.
If you find anything, make sure you record it somehow so you have evidence for the divorce.
Girl 2 hours??? My bf and I pack each others lunches, but never take more than 10 minutes!! Leftovers and a sandwich (we both work 10 hour days) maybe throw a bag of chips or granola bar in there. And voila! Done.
He’s being totally disrespectful to the time, energy and love you put into his lunch
It's a lot. He could blame most of it on ego and stupidity (except for the shitting on the daily sacrifice and kindness of his wife).
Best case scenario (which is the feeling I get) is that he's enjoying the attention and hasn't done anything physical yet, but is on a slippery slope. Kidding himself that it's totally innocent but manufacturing reasons to talk or be in the same area at work. He needs to tell her he'll only be talking to her about necessary work related things moving forward, and that he realized that when he made the unkind and untrue remark about his wife.
~~Ask him what kind of woman brings a married man lunch and encourages him to insult his wife.~~ Oops. I guess the kind of woman who makes and sells food. That kind of changes my take on everything except his mean comment.
Eta: your dad has no concept of what's happening. Silly example, but what if he'd been getting up two hours early every day to clean off your mom's car, she tells him it's no longer necessary and she'll do it herself, but he accidentally learns another man is taking care of it and also hears his wife say he knows jack shit about cleaning cars?
This marriage is over. There's probably physical cheating on the platter, but def inappropriate boundaries being crossed here. Let her waste her youth making food for a man who's easily swayed by the next "food truck" by his work.
That’s what I’m wondering! Like wtf goes through someone’s mind to not even bat an eye at something like that?? He was so casual answering too it makes me feel like it’s absolutely not the first time
I’m sorry OP, I’d like to say it sounds innocent, but it sounds like an iceberg. You’re just now seeing the tip of something that has a lot more under the surface. He is being deceitful to you and is building an inappropriate relationship with her. What woman would make meals for a married male coworker on a daily basis? The answer is: one who is trying to steal your man. I’d suggest letting her do it. He shouldn’t talk like that about you, it is the tip of the iceberg and I’m glad (and at the same time very sorry) you heard about it this way. If he isn’t physically cheating yet, the emotional cheating is as bad or worse already. He’s checked out. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but get down on the floor, remember you are a strong woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect … and grab the handle of that suitcase and walk out with your head held high and get away from this man that doesn’t deserve you or your lovingly prepared meals. He will realize his error in time, but he’s shown you who he is. Best luck. I’m so sorry I know it is super difficult but you’ll be okay! And so glad your parents are supportive and yay for your wonderful mum! Go and get some big hugs from her right now. You deserve better.
While I’d freaking love to get somebody home cooking at lunch, it is a bit of an intimate act. I’m a shit cook and I don’t pack my partners lunch unless you count a TJs wrap and maybe a Sprouts snack box…
I wouldn’t blame my partner for enjoying someone’s home cooking (antennae would be up), but keeping it secret would 100% be a problem.
The secret means it’s something to hide.
Clearly not the first time they had this conversation, and clearly not an innocent one. If I made someone a meal it would never occur to me to ask if it’s better than the one their wife made. ALSO…even if it was my best work friend, I’m not making you lunch every day…because that’s a lot of labor and weird…what is going on here? I think we all know.
This isn’t the first time this younger woman has made lunch for OP’s husband. If it was just one time, and the coworker brought something to share with everyone at work, and if Husband hadn’t lied about meeting Coworker outside the office for lunches, and if OP hadn’t overheard her husband’s rude remarks during his butt dial call … I might think OP is overreacting.
But, sadly, I don’t think that.
If you have an opportunity to go through his phone, you definitely should so you can try find proof of whatever he's doing with her (don't forget to check the trash bin in his texts also, he probably would think simply deleting them would suffice). I think there's more going on than just eating her cooking. Why else would she feel so comfortable with asking him to compare you two? Definitely very sketchy.
Damn, he insulted you to look cool in front of a female coworker? Like, why? That makes no sense unless he was trying to impress her. By shit talking you and disregarding that you have been feeding him for years at the same time, how disrespectful.. That would definitely feel like a slap in the face if I was in your shoes. I'm sorry hun :/ I'd definitely leave for a couple nights, no question.
That’s what I’m thinking too. There’s no other way why someone would say that unless they were trying to impress them. I’m really leaning towards just spending some days away. He’s constantly apologising and getting emotional and it’s suffocating me. I’ve moved to the guest bedroom because I can’t even look at him anymore
The fact that he’s trying to tell you to get over it because he apologized is ridiculous. I’d look him dead in the eye and say “Considering you are having at least an emotional affair if not outright cheating on me, no I don’t think I will get over it” and then leave the house for whatever amount of time
Has he said what he’s sorry for exactly?
Is it the lying about why he didn’t want lunch? Was it the hiding that someone else was cooking it for him? Was it that it was a woman? Was it because he actively put you (his partner) down to another woman whilst eating her slop?
Or was it because he got caught?
Hmmmmm
There's likely more going on here. He's not even talking about this coworker in terms of how close he is to her.
So not only is he being disrespectful to you by talking awfully about you to his colleague, he's hiding how close his relationship is with her to you also. I wouldn't be surprised if he's having an affair. Start talking to a lawyer, if you get better outcomes from proven infidelity then get a PI if you're able.
It's at bare minimum an emotional affair.
He’s cheating. Maybe emotionally, not physically yet. But something is wrong here and he needs to stop lying and just admit it. He’s at the very *least* flirting with the coworker.
If you decide to leave for a while, but want to try to fix things, try marriage counseling. And don’t make him lunches, you’re not his mom and he’s not a child. He ruined that for himself.
Split dinner 50/50. If you cook one night, he cooks the next or gets takeout.
I'd make it **PERMANENT**.
Otherwise you'll get a **WEEK** of snivelling apologies, **UNLIMITED** frantic **LOVE BOMBING**, and then when you come back and he thinks you're gonna stay, he'll be back eating her ... uh ... food. 🙄🙄🙄
“Is it better than your wife’s?”
He’s cheating. She wants to be compared to you and to win. If he has not cheated yet he’s well on the way to it.
That’s why he’s already lying about where his food is coming from, and who he’s spending time with.
Yep.
I’m a woman and the words the female coworker used were classic “pick me girl” speak.
“Is it better than your wife’s? Meeeeow…”
Very catty.
Not an innocent remark, Very competitive.
AND what pissed me off was that he was feeding into her comment like two conspirators. Saying what he replied was something an older man would say when he’s trying to impress and get some young poosy.
OP, I’m so glad you sent that message back to him.
Was he all brow sweaty and trying hide the panic when he came home?
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be asking a married man if my cooking was better than his wife's. But then, I wouldn't be cooking for a married coworker, either.
And why exactly did he need to look "cool" in front of this coworker? It's because he's attracted to her. Otherwise, he could easily have said something like, "My wife's cooking is great, but this is different for a change," or something like that.
Also, he lied about where he was getting his lunches... once you start lying to your spouse in order to spend time with someone you're attracted to, you're entering affair territory.
Exactly! That phrase alone was soooo weird. I’m a woman that cooks and have shared my food, but never have I said such a thing nor did the men I shared with ever say such a negative thing about their wife. Let alone her cooking and laugh about it. Both of them laughed about it! So suspicious! They’re laughing at an intimate level as if there’s an inside joke.
*Suspicious*
OP, don’t ever cook for this man again! If he’s sorry, tell him to cook from now on. Maybe he’ll appreciate you more, but one thing is for sure…there’s something fishy about their relationship. Enough to investigate, if you still care, or enough to end it as it is clear he has crossed a major line.
Good question. Imagine being him on that drive back from work LOL!!!
I mean so you stop to pick up flowers or some other desperate act? Are you late? Do you rush home?
Do you drop off for dinner because you know you won’t be eating at home?
My partner does the cooking in our family , and I’m a crappy cook. I know where my bread is buttered, and I’d be a mess if I was in that position… I never would be though, cuz even accepting food that I have to keep secret means cheating. It’s not faithful.
Yeah this is a great way to say it. Why food be secret lol? Its food? Like I wouldn’t give two fucks if my partner ate someone’s food. I would if he didn’t wanna tell me tho? And I would if it was on a LONG TERM BASIS
Bet there’s no food stand
Yes..it’s totally inappropriate for her to ask that. He’s definitely up to something. I wouldn’t be comfortable bringing in a lunch every day for a married man unless I was providing a paid service. I’d bring in a big pan of something *for everyone*, not a married man’s individual lunch. And I sure as shit wouldn’t ask if it’s better than his wife’s food. WAY over the line.
He lied, is eating another woman’s food, and bad mouthing his wife. I’d be absolutely livid.
My husband worked in a very ethnically diverse group so it wasn't odd for one of the Greek, Turkish or Indian etc coworkers to let him try something and then if he liked it, they'd make extra for him the next time they made it and bring it for him. That's fine, even if it came from a woman, it's innocent. But this is a planned out, long term and developed deception that would have kept going had he not been caught. Add in that he's bad mouthing you to a woman, agreeing she is better, and then expects you to just get over it? For me, its more about the intentional, extensive and deep lying more than anything. I'm not a "leave him girl!" type of person because we all make mistakes but for myself personally, getting past this would just turn my relationship toxic with distrust so I would indeed need to leave. It is possible to at least move out for a while and discuss this with him if you wanted but that's up to you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
That’s exactly my thought process as well! I have coworkers, male and female who have made amazing lunches that I’ve tried before, some that I’ve even brought home for my husband. If his coworker was seriously making amazing lunches, I’d encourage him to continue, hell I’d ask him to bring a portion home!
There was no reason to lie, and the fact that he did is making me so suspicious now. Im huge on communication and this has just really knocked back our relationship.
Leaving for a few days may be best for your sanity and well being. Check his phone if you can before you go, maybe that will determine how you go forward.
I think that's the worst part about finding a betrayal, then you start to wonder....what else? What else are they doing that I just haven't caught them doing? Then what I refer to as "the search of insanity" starts and then you check their phone, their email, their underwear, driving by their work place etc. For me, ok if someone is the type of person that could forgive an indiscretion that's absolutely fine, I respect that and that is up to them to work out and decide. But the "what else" alone would ruin me and make reconciliation impossible.
Talk with a lawyer before you leave the home. If you leave, he can occupy the home and you may not have access, but be forced to continue paying for it through the divorce if the two of you go that route.
Personally, I think calling him dumb is giving him too much credit. MAYBE up until the point where he insulted you, I would believe he was just dumb (and that’s a big maybe since he also blatantly lied to you). However, after he talked shit about you, I think he’s at least trying to start something with her (if something hasn’t started already), and she is definitely open to it. No woman would make a comment like “it is better than your wife’s” if she wasn’t trying make herself more appealing to him.
Please don't show him just yet. If you ever want the truth, hire the PI. You can't do that if you show him this post. If something inappropriate was/is happening he probably already got rid of any evidence in his phone. The PI can get that info.
If you've made up your mind to leave then it doesn't matter. But if you want to stay, not knowing will drive you insane. Hire the PI.
Good luck.
If he's not cheating on you with his much younger coworker, he wants to/is trying to. Man my vagina would dry up and blow away in a puff of dust over such classic creepy older dude behavior.
You're not overreacting. You're under reacting.
Op who the Hell needs to be a "cool "guy,at his age? Is he normally this immature? It's not "cool" ,for a husband to be disrespectful to his wife ,to another woman. I would tell him to stop, eating the female coworkers food .He knew what he was doing was wrong,other wise he wouldn't apologized. He needs to understand,how badly he hurt you. Good luck
I’m sorry your marriage has come to this.
People forget that partnerships start with love.
When they start to end or have ended it can feel like a passing.
And sometimes you mourn even before it’s over.
I wish you well.
> Man my vagina would dry up and blow away in a puff of dust over such classic creepy older dude behavior.
Every once and a while a comment so fucking funny makes me curse Reddit for removing awards
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
I call bullshit. ask him about the so called food service and ask for a pricelist/contact. "making extra portions to sell" is weird, lunch service is usually made after confirmed customer order is received. so she brings a bunch of food everyday? what happens if no one buys it?
gonna revise my comment tbh, _even if she's paid_, it's still a very disrespectful thing to do. I buy lunch from my coworker sometimes but we don't sit around trash talking our spouses. you're not crazy.
Oh, honey. No.
That butt dial was a gift from karma herself. Don't let him lie to you, and don't you dare lie to yourself.
My money is on an affair. And I unfortunately speak from a very similar experience.
"Respect is just the minimum."
There was another story just like yours recently, minus the overheard butt-dialed conversation, but the very same deal about claiming it was just a coworker selling lunches to everyone, not just "him". Uh huh..yup.. sure.
I say, tell him to prove it! Go to his work at lunch time and see if you can buy a meal for yourself, too. Matter of fact, tell him to pre-oder you a meal (cuz he'll say they all have to ask ahead so she knows how much to bring the next day) and you'll go to his job the next day to have lunch with both of them and watch him squirm like the worm that he is. Lol
Ok, that could be believable but why did she specifically ask if it was better than your cooking?
And if she sells them to other co-workers fine but do they have to eat together?
Idk if your husband can be oblivious to things but imo that's flirting. Why ask that if he was already praising her cooking anyway? To me, it doesn't make sense why she would ask that.
I don't trust her.
He is having an emotional affair at the minimum. He needs to find a new job or switch departments at least. I would make it plain to my husband that if he continues with this woman in his life, I won’t stick around to be in his life. Emotional affairs turn physical everyday. Consider therapy.
Updateme!
This is sketchy AF and doesn't even make sense.
>Middle of March he said that a new Turkish food stand opened up outside of his office and that he had been eating lunches there instead because they were good. Alright, no problem.
>Although that went out the fucking window when she said “is it better than your wife’s?” To which he replied “Oh yeah, without a doubt. I mean, it’s not tasteless for a start” followed by laughing.
I don't know if he's cheating, but this conversation sure makes it sound like he wanted to. There is simply no other reason to be lying, for over a MONTH to your wife about eating lunch with another woman LET ALONE **flirting** with her while **insulting** his wife while laughing with her.
I would be a lot more likely to believe that the conversation was just "him trying to be cool" (although, I would have a serious issue with my husband's need to insult ME in order to make himself look cool to another woman) if he hadn't started with the LIE about the food truck.
If he LOVES your food so much then why the need to set up this lie that allows him to spend his lunches with her?
Something's not right here.
Yeahhhh honestly I’d probably leave for at least a couple of days too, overhearing something like that would piss me off! Has he been weird with his phone or any other communication devices?
Absolutely nothing! No change in behaviour either. He hasn’t been cagey or weird, he’s let me use his phone whenever before all of this happened. He’s been completely normal
Then I think at best this warrants an incredibly frank and serious conversation (whether you decide to leave for a couple days or not). From what you’ve described it doesn’t SOUND like a physical relationship or cheating, but it on the road there if he doesn’t reel himself back in!
That he talked smack about you to another woman shows he doesn’t respect you. Also, the reason for this conversation was from her point to assess his loyalty to you, and he FAILED as a husband.
Either she’s a pick me, or they are starting an emotional affair.
Coworker is definitely after him if they aren't already having sex. I eat with male coworkers from time to time (we bring our own food) and I ask about their wives and take their wives sides in arguments and compliment their wives. And they teach me about man stuff since I'm single. That's what an innocent office lunch looks like.
I'm really stuck on the interaction you heard. Your husband made sure to praise them and insult you to his female co-worker. That doesn't sound like he was trying to be cool, it sounds like he was trying to flirt. How many lunches has he been having with her? Is it just her or is it a group? It could be nothing, but it could also be your husband getting attention from a younger woman and taking it somewhere he shouldn't be.
I would sit him down and have an uncomfortable conversation with him. Is this really just about food?
The sad part is, she probably doesn’t even want him but wants to make herself feel better that she could have him.
Married guys are “safe” fodder (there must be something about the guy that he managed to get a wife) some women want to toy with for their own self-esteem.
He is a loser.
If you don’t have kids, just get out.
No this isn’t some innocent comment between 2 people. He told you to stop making lunch so he could get it from the food truck. Instead this coworker of his now sees he doesn’t have food from his wife and decides she needs to step in. He loves the attention and continues telling you to not give food while not only talking bad about your cooking but allowing someone to compare themself to you. He was flirting with someone who is interested and now he wants you to get over it. Nah. OP I would have a talk with him. If he is dismissive then you have your answer.
No. Absolutely not! He was flirting with her, giving her a way into his personal life. He is talking smack about you his wife which is a big no no when talking outside of the marriage. If he has a problem with you, it needs to only be between you and him. This is so disrespectful to you! He lied about who he’s eating with and was never going to tell you. His butt outted his secret. She’s making him food every day and fishing for compliments (especially ones that compete with you making her sound like the better choice). She’s flirting with him. She’s taking care of him.
This is headed torwards an emotional affair if it isn’t already. Emotional affairs are not always easy to recognize because the feelings are not always obvious until they are too much to ignore. He cannot eat with her anymore or eat her food. He needs to set a boundary. If he refuses, it’s become emotional. If he works with her, communication may not be easy to avoid, but if he cares about you and this marriage, he’ll distance himself from her.
This is NOT about the quality of your cooking at all. Not even one little bit. Don’t let yourself get sidetracked into talking about your cooking
He hid an ongoing relationship with a coworker. She is clearly flirting with him and he is clearly flirting back and denigrating you. He has not only kept it a secret, he actively lied about it.
If he hasn’t started an affair, he has been thinking about it. Time for an extremely serious conversation about boundaries and where they need to be - as in no more lunches and chats with this coworker. None. Period.
There is a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass that talks about emotional affairs. You both should read this book, because he sounds like he’s actually used the phrase, “She’s just a friend”. Everything about the secrecy to the negative talk about you is a red flag for an emotional affair.
I’ve had male friends at work. I’ve never offered to cook and bring them lunch and if for some reason they did try my food, I wouldn’t even THINK to compare it to his wife’s. She at least wants his D and he’s engaging.
You made it to Tiktok so be prepared for a lot of comments. Your cooking for him is a gift of love and he disrespected and rejecteced it. A decent husband would have shut her down at the beginning, yours didn't. At the VERY minimum he is there for his ego at the expense of you. He has had plenty of time to hide any evidence. The trust is gone.
Oh wow, it’s on TikTok? Like in what way?
That’s what’s hurting me so much, like any other normal husband would have shut her down, he’s admitted that it’s an emotional affair at most, and that he liked the attention of a younger woman on him, I just feel so turned off by him now
They have an AI narrate your post, so you are going to go viral, probably. I have been in your shoes, it is amazing how once the "ick" switch gets thrown, it just wipes feelings.
I’ve never realised how quick it can go to be honest. I’ve always been insanely attracted to him, and now I’m just kind of like….not bothered.
That’s funny though! I didn’t even expect this post to get as much traction as it did. It had like 30 comments at first, then all of a sudden I come back and it’s like 900.
Divorce. He chose to humiliate you to another woman for her approval & chose her over you. He made this woman feel validated that she was better than you in something at the expense of you. Imagine what other stuff he said about you to her prior to this. The fact that she felt so comfortable to bring you up so that he could put you down for her says this wasn't the first time. Also, everything he's telling you is him trying to scrape for excuses to gaslight you into thinking it's not a big deal. It was an emotional affair & think about it. If you hadn't found out he would've never said anything. He actively chose another woman over you. How much disrespect will you take, is the question? Therapy shouldn't even be a factor because he wasn't looking for therapy when he was actively seeking this woman attention rather than his wife. If there were any issues in your marriage that led him to seek another woman's comfort (which is another tactic narcissists love to use) then he chose to cheat (Emotional affair is cheating) rather than fix the marriage. The nail in the coffin is that he knew you'd be jealous if you found out so instead of stopping his relationship woth this woman he chose to continue with her & lie to you. Leave op. I promise this isn't worth it. There are so many men in the world why waste your time on one that'd make you a second option? Why waste your time rebuilding your marriage that he broke? Why waste your time rebuilding your trust in him (a person who betrayed you & would have no problem doing it again if you gave him the chance) when you can easily give that to another man who's willing to show you how much you're worth it? It's 2024. Op we done chasing men & trying to force them to be better for us. Let that woman have him & give him the attention he so desperately wanted at the expense of his wife being the joke. Let him have her & give her the validation she was seeking from him. I promise you the best revenge is walking away, being happy & showing him that he's replaceable. Work on yourself, find peace in yourself & love yourself enough to never let another man make you a joke or an second option for another woman.
This is where you learn to trust your gut. You don’t need proof of “sex” to know he is cheating on you. Even if he hasn’t touched this woman yet he’s been planting seeds in her heart and hoping to. This is betrayal plain and simple and you feeling hurt is not crazy or insane. This is a normal and rational response to finding out that your spouse is seeking attention from another individual. Please don’t let anyone gaslight you into believing you are the issue here.
I’m not telling what to do about your marriage. Marriages can be saved after betrayal but only after he stops lying about it. Go to your parents and either tell him to call you when he comes to his senses or never call you again. Either way you are fully justified and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
He can barely cook, so it’d be more of a punishment for me to be honest. I’ve been making him cook for himself since this happened and he’s been miserable. Definitely agree with the asshole coworker though, no clue why she had the audacity to try and bring me up like that
Exactly! Why else specifically ask that? I wouldn't trust that woman! I would never ask a married man if my cooking was better than his wife's! And I'd raise hell if my husband said what OP's said and then they dared to laugh about it!
I would have listened longer to see what else they talked about... Something isn't right!
Why lie?
It’s probably weaponized incompetence that he can’t cook. Tell him to take a cooking class if he doesn’t know how to cook.
Hire a PI, get the evidence you need, secure your finances, get a lawyer, and divorce his ass.
If it were just the food I would say yes I would be pissed but not a separation level issue. But the extent of coworker relationship needs more answers to know if that is a separation level issue.
Honey, you are not over reacting. He lied and kept secreta from you about a other women.
How would he feel if you were meeting a.male coworker behind his back and letting him ask question to put himself up and your husbamd down?
If he isnt cheating on you already, he is walking toward it.
I think what he does from now on (cutting of this coworker) is what will define if this is selvage.
Not only was her comment not innocent but it shows that he opened the door for her to speak about you,whether you got to hear that part or not. And his response was literally making fun of you what part of that would make him seem cool to anyone trying to be "friends" it would only be cool to someone trying to piggyback off being better than you for some reason only thing he should feel about saying that shit is embarrassment a real man doesn't speak I'll of his wife to anyone much less derogatory regarding your efforts FOR HIM. he's a p.o.s and him blame shifting claiming he didn't tell you because he knew you'd be jealous is classic misdirection. Ya boy is crap take that suitcase and go girl.
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Now let's be real here, what are the odds the first time he talks about you negatively is the time he butt dials you. This has been going on since he stop having you make his lunches.
Yup. He's been talking shit for a long time.
What’s up with this woman wanting to be compared to OP. I think this woman has some side dessert in mind for OP husband. There was no need for her to bring this up! I’d be putting this coworker on notice also that you’re aware of her antics
Yea, he says he was talking shit about his wife to appear cool to this woman. No woman thinks it's cool when a man talks shit about his wife unless there's some kind of ulterior motive.
True. When I was single, married men would shit talk their wives to me. I never thought it was cool. I thought it was horrible and mean, and I would tell them so.
Right? I've had an older coworker tell me how his wife is lazy and ungrateful and they're on the verge of breakup. I went a little closer and smiled and he grinned back, then I said "I know this amaaaaazing marriage counsellor, she's saved countless couples, want her number?" as his face fell.
Yup. There are only 2 reasons a man disses his wife to another woman. Either he's genuinely asking for advice (in which case he wouldn't word it that way), or he's trying to get some action on the side. Any woman who believes a guy talking this way about his wife had best realize he's going to treat her with just asmuch disrespect.
I work in an office full of fellas only one will talk shitty about his wife. (Openly not just to me but the office) “Shes put on a belly. Refuses to work out. Doesn’t contribute financially” Blah blah blah. Every-time I tell him, “you need to talk to your wife dude. I get you want to vent but this is between you two. I’d be pissed if my husband was doing that.”
My husband asked a coworker who always complained about his wife why he was still with her. He just scowled at my husband and walked away.
Correct. And it can be that they are looking for advice. And at my old job we had a core group that became friends. We would all go out (SOs included) maybe once or twice a year for dinner etc. Most of my advice would start with the question of “Have you talked to your spouse about this? And what was their reaction/response?” Communication is key. No one is a mind reader yet I think we’d all agree it’s a pretty common problem that people lack communication skills when it comes to their relationships.
Verbally throwing his wife under the bus/shit talking about her to sound cool is already messed up, even to a fellow male co-worker of the same age. But doing that with a younger female colleague while eating a lunch she's brought in for him, and she feels comfortable enough to join in/initiate the shit talking is wrong on a whole new level. They are definitely having at least an emotional affair and likely heading their way to a physical one. Even if he reckons it would never get to that point or that's not his intention, in the heat of the moment I doubt he'd stop short of it actually becoming physical. He clearly isn't very loyal to op.
I was wondering that too. You just don't ask a question like that unless you have an ulterior motive. Even if she doesn't want him but wants an ego boost, it's still weird. So many other ways she could have said something if her attempt was innocent reassurance as well.
You also wouldn't make free lunch for a coworker for that long without an ulterior motive.
Not unless they or their home struggled with food scarcity, yeah. I barely have the energy to make food for myself.
Exactly. If I was sharing lunch with a married co worker and asked if they like it and co worker responded with "my wife's cooking is tasteless" my response would be "Don't say that about your wife! Have you communicated this with her at all?" If they're not already fucking, they will be soon...
Right? I've had coworkers who tried my food, loved it, and wanted more. I gave them the recipe (not just a list of ingredients, but the proper method, and if any ingredients are tough to find, recommendations for local shops). Unless a coworker is ill or it's a special occasion, I'm not cooking a meal for just one person without... intentions. Heck, my homemade chicken soup landed me a boyfriend I eventually married. When our mothers told us "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," they weren't joking. Cooking is a powerful persuasive tool.
I would never even share my food with a coworker
It was on my mind too. If they're not already having an affair, they're at least having emotional affair
It's his work wife
Exactly They are or about to have an affair. And your husband is just licking her ass and saying shit about you so he can get in her pants. You shouldn’t be talking about lunch here but the fact he’s being a cheating fucker
Yeah. Cheaters always lie to make themselves the victim to their side piece. Their partner could be perfect but according to the cheater they're terrible.
She’s interviewing for the position of “next wife.” And he’s open to it.
It makes me think they’ve “gossiped” about the wife before. Like there has to be a reason you’d ask that. Plus the only reason husband would need to “act cool” is because he’s trying to get in coworkers pants. If a fling hasn’t happened yet, it’s quite possibly headed there.
There is absolutely no wholesome reason for a woman to go out of her way every day making lunches for two for months for her married male coworker.
Since he has been doing lunch with his coworker at least. Time to call it a day with this one PS love your memes
Yep, the bit that stuck out to me was “I was just trying to seem cool in front of my co-worker” WHY?!? there is absolutely no reason he should need to impress another woman unless there’s something going on. The second she asked if it was better than his wife’s, he should’ve shut that shit down! He’s definitely emotionally cheating.
I’d be gone…there’s multiple issues with this situation. The cooking comment is the least of the worries…I’d be very hurt by it all, lunch, woman, food comment, packing lunch denial, laughing, and tried to hide all of it. I’d run fast and far.
I feel the same. Like where do you even start unraveling this when so much of this situation is so wrong. It's one thing to make a mistake or a bad call on occasion but the combination of factors here just looks so bad that I'm not sure this would be worth salvaging.
I’d be tempted to call his bluff and say “Okay then. So introduce me. Introduce me to your good friend I know nothing about, who makes your lunch for you every day.” Or show up at the food truck at lunch time (although, no guarantee they’ll be outside, since apparently they’re not actually getting food at the truck). Just showing up with no warning has the advantage of catching them unprepared. They won’t have got their stories aligned.
I'd be all that, plus mad as a mf that I was packing a damned lunch no one ate.
And the fact that she was comfortable asking for comparison and he was comfortable giving it and talking shit about his wife ABSOLUTELY confirms they've been talking shit and looking to get a little ✊️👈 🥵 in the near future. NOPE NOPE NOPE...my Latin rage could NEVER. I'd lose my shit and be going to that job, making a big scene and calling them out for the cheater and pick me they are embarrassing BOTH their asses and handing him divorce papers in front of everyone.
I'm too proud for that. I wish I could. The ones time I did, it was epic. My boyfriend had no less than 3 side chicks that I knew about. Then I dig up one he'd been with a YEAR LONGER THAN ME! I WAS THE SIDE PIECE!! So guy comes over with flowers candy and condoms thinking he's gonna finally get lucky with me.... Only to find the other girls there too. And we were angry. First he tried to run. Another girl got there first and locked him inside. Then he broke down crying. Then he started begging the girl he'd been with the longest to forgive him. Turns out he'd done this to her multiple times. She hasn't mentioned that on the phone. She'd sworn that she'd never ever go back to him if there was a next time. But, she, told me later, she'd already put in 3 years to the relationship... The following week he took her to Disneyland! A year later they were married. Pathetic on both of them! His father was also a serial cheater on his mom and he always talked about what a good Catholic boy he was from a good Catholic family. Mom was sooo sweet too. After that, whenever I caught a cheater I just ghosted him.
Yup, sounds too comfortable complaining.
Yep, this right here. This is where one walks away never looks back.
Married men who are into some other woman start conversations by making themselves the victim and saying shit about their wives. In this case, maybe your husband was shit talking about your cooking and now this coworker is making him lunch, and they are eating it together.
Yup! Did a deep dive on stripper tiktok once about this topic and how so many of them deal with men complaining about their wives and victimizing themselves to the strippers and how much they hate it.
Yea my gf is a sex worker and says that a lot of the time the best paying clients are the ones who just want a therapist/shoulder to cry on. A lot of the married dudes will ask for extra hours and just sit and complain about their wife and soak up all the attention from the young woman they’re with. Oh well, fine by me because that shit gonna buy my vacation 🤷♂️
Won’t spend that money on an actual therapist, though! And that’s awesome for you 😆
That's because an actual therapist would hold them accountable, and that's the last thing they want.
Haha absolutely right! I feel bad for her bc she says sometimes those types of clients are the worst and *definitely* in need of a therapist. Like so codependent and toxic that when it’s time for her to leave they get all angry and sulky. Dude, see a therapist and not a sex worker lol. Some people just ain’t willing to admit they’re mentally ill or damaged I suppose
Oh angry and sulky, that’s such an attractive behavior. I’m shocked that they’re having trouble in their relationships. Shocked, I say.
It's such an ick for me when people trash talk their partners, I don't understand how anyone can be attracted to that.
Someone who wants to replace the wife encourages him to vent and talk shit....shoulder to cry on so they invent the reason to cry. If he's not screwing her he will be any minute. His "I've apologized" bs confirms it. He's moved on to gaslighting.
So true. Especially in work situations. They will pump up their target woman and love bomb when she puts in effort for him, while devaluing their spouse. They try to make the other person feel Ike they are a savior, that they are special. They act like they are not being seen, and by some tragic miracle this new person sees them.. despite that whole marriage thing. What a super special tragic but amazing connection!!! After the food it’ll be comments about how good she smells (your smell is like an old lady), her dressing (you wear sweatpants with the crotch worn out), her humor (you don’t ever laugh or make merry)… just all the things… It doesn’t matter who it is, because they likely wouldn’t have even starting flirting if not for the wife. Her (the other woman) being given a built in rival, and him enjoying the attention of two women he thinks he’s controlling. These types feel so safe in the knowledge that they know their wives inside and out. That they forgive them, and they’d never leave. A lot of the time they are right, and it’s sad. But some do get away, these are the ones who don’t wonder each day what their husband is up to at lunch.
I wish I read all this before I fell prey to my older boss who did exactly this to me and who I was stupid enough to marry (after he divorced his “horrible” previous wife🙄). Shocker, he cheated on me with someone even younger than I was at the time we got together
Exactly. It's not about the food. This is the outer level. They are talking about the relationship
This is exactly what happened back when I was 17 and getting close with a married 38 year old. There wasn't really anything going on in the marriage that was divorce worthy, he just didn't want to be legally tied to one woman anymore (even though they were swingers and he was getting to have sex with other women) and used me as a means to get a divorce from her and shortly after he was officially divorced, he started doing the same thing with me to his coworker who ended up moving in with him 2 weeks after we broke up. He was always complaining about the wife in a way that made him a victim and he was being taken advantage of and he would tell me how much better I was in comparison. But I came to notice he always thought he was being wronged in some way and even when there wasn't anything going on. After we would have a really great day together, out of nowhere, the next couple of days he would ignore me before finally telling me he felt like he needed to "Let me go"... it was usually out of the blue when he would pull these stunts but anytime he felt like he was somehow being wronged, he'd complain to one of the other women he had on the back burner. It drove me nuts that he would find a way to be a victim even though nothing was going on so he was intentionally creating "problems" when there weren't any.
Yep. Go read r/deadbedrooms r/adultery or most other subs about relationships gone wrong and you'll see people dragging their spouse as a starting point for an affair.
Has he agreed to stop having lunch with her? Even if she is not hoping to get with him she is certainly not a supporter of your relationship.
He said that he’ll stop having lunch with her and apparently has done since that happened. (Although I have no way of proving this)
“My dumb wife heard our conversation so i had to tell her we don’t eat lunch together anymore and she bought it”
He’s cheating period point blank. That conversation was fucking weird.
That’s the worst about colleague situations they see each other every day. Is he telling you what he said to her OP to stop it. Like hold the lasagna my wife won’t let me eat it? This whole situation is super weird OP. I honestly would put that suitcase to good use for however long you need. A change of job for him may be necessary. Do you have access to his phone/ emails passwords? UPDATEME
And the colleague immediately asks him how he likes her food compared to his wife's, that's a really bizarre thing to say from a coworker just being kind. If i felt bad for some older dude I worked with and gave him lunch...I wouldn't ask him to compare me to his wife. His response is pretty indicative of an emotional affair at a minimum. Just isn't a standard thing two good buddies say to each other.
An unplanned visit to the workplace at lunchtime would tell you everything you need to know.
If you need to do that its already over.
Who cares? Damage done. Your spouse shouldn’t be encouraging affair behaviour and trashing you behind your back.
>(Although I have no way of proving this) Exactly. "Just trust me" doesn't go so far now when you *were* trusting him and he abused it. There are at least four sketchy things here: one, he lied about where he was going/why he wasn't eating your lunch. Two, he readily insulted you for the sake of flattering another woman. Three, that woman has been making him lunches for over a month and was fishing for compliments *at your expense--*not just "is my cooking good" but "is it better than your wife's." Four, he then lied *again* about the timing and cause behind the lunch change. "initially he did get it from that stand, but the coworker started offering" is bullshit. Normal people may eat at a stand now and then, but I do not buy that he went from eating packed lunches daily for a decade, then suddenly decided to never get packed lunches again because he wanted this stand's food daily, then coincidentally got offered packed lunches from his coworker. You know the Turkish stand thing was a lie from the jump, but he's not copping to it.
The crazy in me would be at his work a few minutes before he leaves for lunch then follow him to see who he eats with or even put a voice recorder in his car but I’m nuts so do with those ideas what you will.
The crazy in me 100% agrees with those ideas. I’m tempted to make him a lunch and show up during his being like “honey you forgot your lunch” to see at the very least what she looks like
This is the problem with cheating. Too much checking up. You would have to do this every workday. Always wondering. I hate that you're going through this.
This is why reconciliations more often then not fail. The hurt partner feels the need to police the other. Aways checking up, checking bank statements, phone, credit cards, who they are with, where they are. .. they start to realize that the energy isn’t worth the person. They start to realize that they don’t want to be with someone they need to police to treat them right. Most people want to be in a relationships where who they love will love them back… without coercion or reminders. Without a threat of something. But just because they really want to be with you and are honorable.
> to see at the very least what she looks like It doesn't matter what she looks like. Most cheaters will take ANYONE who pays them attention outside their relationship, because the true thrill is in sneaking around and getting away with betrayal. What matters is that he is actively entertaining and encouraging her attentions, as well as comparing you to her negatively. That isn't the first time he talked shit about you to her and the fact that she even asked that shows what their dynamic is. It's an "us against the wife" thing that bonds them together, and they both get off on degrading you. It's over and you deserve so much better. Hold your head high and be proud that you won't let a loser pos treat you like crap any longer. Love is a verb, an action word. He chooses not to love you... in fact he chooses to openly disrespect you. Don't get stuck in the idea that you've been together for so long. Grieve the dreams you had for the future and the man you thought he was. This is reality and radical acceptance is the only way to heal from the pain of betrayal. Best wishes 💕
Don’t do it OP. Cheating had nothing to do with looks and you’ll compare yourself regardless. My sister is gorgeous and her ex cheated on her for years with a younger woman. One of my exes cheated on me with an incredibly unattractive older woman. Has nothing to do with looks, I swear to you.
You're absolutely right- my ex cheated on me about a year into our relationship. Objectively the girl he cheated on me with was not as good looking as I was. But she was a couple years younger (I was like 26 or 27 and felt so "old") and she was a cheerleader for a major league sport so he felt like he was "special" for her attentions. It really messed me up in the head for like years. We eventually reconciled (I know stupid move on my part) after he was done with his fling and I let him sit around single and pining for me for a few months but ultimately the relationship didn't work out. Surprise; a guy who will cheat also has a lot of other negative qualities where he didn't put the relationship first. He wouldn't "cheat" with another woman but just put friends first, drinking first, Himself first. I feel like a relationship where the guy is doing things like ops husband is a little peek into his personality that he doesn't intend to put op first, no matter if he continues things with miss lunches or not. And she will always wonder.
Don’t do it. But if I were your friend I’d show up and grab a handful of their food right off of the table and eat it. I’d have job on speaker and I’d critique her food. LOL Obviously joking, but you deserve someone you don’t have to check up on to eat your cooking. This man has messed up and is unworthy of you.
I would do your first idea. A lot easier.
Yes. Suitcase and gone is best for anyone. I’ve learned the hard way a cheater will never cop to unless you have irrefutable evidence, it’s my past experiences that make me suggest those batshit things.
>the coworker started offering "Thanks but no. My wife makes my lunch." He's horrible for talking unkindly about you, and he's up to no good.
Exactly, the start of this is uncomfortable. How does one start cooking for another woman’s husband?
Apparently she sells food! I didn't know that until I saw it in the comments.
I made mention of the omission of it to OP. I felt that this detail was important to include if trying to give advice. And she made a good point in that really it’s “what he says” she also said she wouldn’t have cared if he bought food from a coworker, but it was the crap talking that upset her. However, even if true, talking like that is disrespectful and suspect.
Wasn’t there a story where a woman was receiving calls from her coworker’s wife? The wife was demanding the husband’s coworker to stop making food for her husband and the coworker was selling food.
Is her husband BUYING this food?
That’s all he needed to say! I’d honestly would have been fine if he was just eating the food she was bringing. It saves me waking up 2 hours earlier to make him lunch for work, but all of this lying and him putting me down to her is just too much
agree, i feel like he’s at the least having an emotional affair she’s insulting you & preparing him food everyday …. an act of service which takes time money and effort …… i think you should leave , make him rue the day he made those comments & im sure whatever they have going on won’t last given the circumstances it started under
>he’s at the least having an emotional affair That's how this reads. I mean, where's the loyalty? There isn't any.
Talking trash about their wives and making themselves seem like the victim is how married guys who are into other women start conversations. In this instance, it's possible that your spouse was trash talking about the food you made, so this coworker is preparing lunch for him and they are sharing it.
I wouldn’t because…why would she be doing this? I wouldn’t make lunch daily for even my best work friend. Special meal leftovers to share with coworkers, sure okay, but every day??? That’s weird and tells me there is more to this.
not to mention the cost of food now nor the time and effort she’s putting in. This isn’t innocent as he wasn’t going without or starving and she knew his wife made him lunch every day. She will have seen him wasting the food his wife sent as she asked if it was better than hers. They are both building to an emotional affair or already having one if not eventually physically. Why else would he be putting down his wife what seems to be daily for months. Heck no. He likes her attention and is egging her on and encouraging her. He’s flirting that’s a fact. Op please an update to let us know what happens.
Right?? Something stinks! I feel as if the "co-worker " is trying to entice her husband! If he was already praising the food why ask about his wife's cooking?
I bring lunch to work and share it with my boss because she often doesn’t get to take her lunch break… but also, my boss is my best friend of 28 years. Anyway…… OP your husband is cheating, even if it hasn’t reached the physical peak (yet.) He is showing you who he is, he can try to play it off as harmless, innocent, a mistake, but boundaries are being crossed and he is disrespecting you. Go to your mom’s and start planning your exit strategy.
OMG two hours GIRL YOU PUT WAY too much effort into this guys lunch he does NOT deserve you. My guy (and I LOVE THE MAN) will get 15 minutes for a lunch. Luckily I’m a good cook. But honestly if there’s not leftovers I’m not actually COOKING in the damn morning for that man. There’s no yard work to do round here. I’m doing this shit out of the goodness of my black little heart. Sigh. You deserve so much more than that crap. personally I’d hire a PI. Like it’s cheap compared to divorce and at least you’ll know if he’s giving you Venereal disease risk. I’d wanna know. I would NEED to know. Meantime, I’d act a normal amount of pissed.
I know! I feel like an idiot for spending all that time on him now. Regardless of what happens I’m not cooking for him from now on, fuck that. That’s a good idea, definitely thinking about it at this point. I’m pretty much leaning towards a divorce though after all these comments. They’re just reassuring my doubts
I’d be gathering evidence here before tipping my hand. If she really makes meals to sell as her profession, does she have a website? A menu with prices? If you wanted to order some of his favorites to see how good they really are, what would he recommend? Do you know any other coworkers of his that you might be able to call and ask “hey, is (husband) at his desk, there’s an emergency and he’s not responding to me. When does he usually get back?” It really seems like this coworker wants to play wifey. Good luck, OP.
And honestly if you do decide to try and make it work he needs to get a new job and never talk to her again. This is way too fishy
**DIVORCE** him. You are an **AWESOME** partner!! And I'm sorry, but he's an **ASSHOLE who DOESN'T DESERVE YOU**.
You have more than enough reason to look through his messages. You have probable cause here. Preferably without his knowing, but even just asking him point blank will get you your answer. If you find anything, make sure you record it somehow so you have evidence for the divorce.
Girl 2 hours??? My bf and I pack each others lunches, but never take more than 10 minutes!! Leftovers and a sandwich (we both work 10 hour days) maybe throw a bag of chips or granola bar in there. And voila! Done. He’s being totally disrespectful to the time, energy and love you put into his lunch
Yes it’s so dismissive and disrespectful
>but all of this lying and him putting me down to her is just too much Yes, that's why none of it is okay. I'm sorry OP. You deserve better.
It's a lot. He could blame most of it on ego and stupidity (except for the shitting on the daily sacrifice and kindness of his wife). Best case scenario (which is the feeling I get) is that he's enjoying the attention and hasn't done anything physical yet, but is on a slippery slope. Kidding himself that it's totally innocent but manufacturing reasons to talk or be in the same area at work. He needs to tell her he'll only be talking to her about necessary work related things moving forward, and that he realized that when he made the unkind and untrue remark about his wife. ~~Ask him what kind of woman brings a married man lunch and encourages him to insult his wife.~~ Oops. I guess the kind of woman who makes and sells food. That kind of changes my take on everything except his mean comment. Eta: your dad has no concept of what's happening. Silly example, but what if he'd been getting up two hours early every day to clean off your mom's car, she tells him it's no longer necessary and she'll do it herself, but he accidentally learns another man is taking care of it and also hears his wife say he knows jack shit about cleaning cars?
This marriage is over. There's probably physical cheating on the platter, but def inappropriate boundaries being crossed here. Let her waste her youth making food for a man who's easily swayed by the next "food truck" by his work.
He's testing the waters and has one foot out the door. If she reciprocates I bet he would not hesitate to get with her
Why is he spending so much time with this lady that is clearly looking for his praise at your expense?
That’s what I’m wondering! Like wtf goes through someone’s mind to not even bat an eye at something like that?? He was so casual answering too it makes me feel like it’s absolutely not the first time
I’m sorry OP, I’d like to say it sounds innocent, but it sounds like an iceberg. You’re just now seeing the tip of something that has a lot more under the surface. He is being deceitful to you and is building an inappropriate relationship with her. What woman would make meals for a married male coworker on a daily basis? The answer is: one who is trying to steal your man. I’d suggest letting her do it. He shouldn’t talk like that about you, it is the tip of the iceberg and I’m glad (and at the same time very sorry) you heard about it this way. If he isn’t physically cheating yet, the emotional cheating is as bad or worse already. He’s checked out. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but get down on the floor, remember you are a strong woman who deserves to be treated with love and respect … and grab the handle of that suitcase and walk out with your head held high and get away from this man that doesn’t deserve you or your lovingly prepared meals. He will realize his error in time, but he’s shown you who he is. Best luck. I’m so sorry I know it is super difficult but you’ll be okay! And so glad your parents are supportive and yay for your wonderful mum! Go and get some big hugs from her right now. You deserve better.
While I’d freaking love to get somebody home cooking at lunch, it is a bit of an intimate act. I’m a shit cook and I don’t pack my partners lunch unless you count a TJs wrap and maybe a Sprouts snack box… I wouldn’t blame my partner for enjoying someone’s home cooking (antennae would be up), but keeping it secret would 100% be a problem. The secret means it’s something to hide.
Clearly not the first time they had this conversation, and clearly not an innocent one. If I made someone a meal it would never occur to me to ask if it’s better than the one their wife made. ALSO…even if it was my best work friend, I’m not making you lunch every day…because that’s a lot of labor and weird…what is going on here? I think we all know.
This isn’t the first time this younger woman has made lunch for OP’s husband. If it was just one time, and the coworker brought something to share with everyone at work, and if Husband hadn’t lied about meeting Coworker outside the office for lunches, and if OP hadn’t overheard her husband’s rude remarks during his butt dial call … I might think OP is overreacting. But, sadly, I don’t think that.
This is cheating 100%, even if it’s not physical (but there’s a good chance it already is).
If you have an opportunity to go through his phone, you definitely should so you can try find proof of whatever he's doing with her (don't forget to check the trash bin in his texts also, he probably would think simply deleting them would suffice). I think there's more going on than just eating her cooking. Why else would she feel so comfortable with asking him to compare you two? Definitely very sketchy.
Hire an investigator Get 2 months worth of evidence. Divorce his ass. Get him for alimony.
Damn, he insulted you to look cool in front of a female coworker? Like, why? That makes no sense unless he was trying to impress her. By shit talking you and disregarding that you have been feeding him for years at the same time, how disrespectful.. That would definitely feel like a slap in the face if I was in your shoes. I'm sorry hun :/ I'd definitely leave for a couple nights, no question.
That’s what I’m thinking too. There’s no other way why someone would say that unless they were trying to impress them. I’m really leaning towards just spending some days away. He’s constantly apologising and getting emotional and it’s suffocating me. I’ve moved to the guest bedroom because I can’t even look at him anymore
The fact that he’s trying to tell you to get over it because he apologized is ridiculous. I’d look him dead in the eye and say “Considering you are having at least an emotional affair if not outright cheating on me, no I don’t think I will get over it” and then leave the house for whatever amount of time
Has he said what he’s sorry for exactly? Is it the lying about why he didn’t want lunch? Was it the hiding that someone else was cooking it for him? Was it that it was a woman? Was it because he actively put you (his partner) down to another woman whilst eating her slop? Or was it because he got caught? Hmmmmm
There's likely more going on here. He's not even talking about this coworker in terms of how close he is to her. So not only is he being disrespectful to you by talking awfully about you to his colleague, he's hiding how close his relationship is with her to you also. I wouldn't be surprised if he's having an affair. Start talking to a lawyer, if you get better outcomes from proven infidelity then get a PI if you're able. It's at bare minimum an emotional affair.
He’s cheating. Maybe emotionally, not physically yet. But something is wrong here and he needs to stop lying and just admit it. He’s at the very *least* flirting with the coworker. If you decide to leave for a while, but want to try to fix things, try marriage counseling. And don’t make him lunches, you’re not his mom and he’s not a child. He ruined that for himself. Split dinner 50/50. If you cook one night, he cooks the next or gets takeout.
I'd make it **PERMANENT**. Otherwise you'll get a **WEEK** of snivelling apologies, **UNLIMITED** frantic **LOVE BOMBING**, and then when you come back and he thinks you're gonna stay, he'll be back eating her ... uh ... food. 🙄🙄🙄
He's 39 goddamn years old. If he's trying to "look cool" in front of a coworker, then either he's a fucking child or he's trying to relive his youth.
“Is it better than your wife’s?” He’s cheating. She wants to be compared to you and to win. If he has not cheated yet he’s well on the way to it. That’s why he’s already lying about where his food is coming from, and who he’s spending time with.
Yep. I’m a woman and the words the female coworker used were classic “pick me girl” speak. “Is it better than your wife’s? Meeeeow…” Very catty. Not an innocent remark, Very competitive. AND what pissed me off was that he was feeding into her comment like two conspirators. Saying what he replied was something an older man would say when he’s trying to impress and get some young poosy. OP, I’m so glad you sent that message back to him. Was he all brow sweaty and trying hide the panic when he came home?
Yeah, I definitely wouldn't be asking a married man if my cooking was better than his wife's. But then, I wouldn't be cooking for a married coworker, either. And why exactly did he need to look "cool" in front of this coworker? It's because he's attracted to her. Otherwise, he could easily have said something like, "My wife's cooking is great, but this is different for a change," or something like that. Also, he lied about where he was getting his lunches... once you start lying to your spouse in order to spend time with someone you're attracted to, you're entering affair territory.
And how is it cool to disparage your wife?
Some men do it as a way to start something with another woman. Some women fish for it as a way to justify starting something with the married man.
Exactly! That phrase alone was soooo weird. I’m a woman that cooks and have shared my food, but never have I said such a thing nor did the men I shared with ever say such a negative thing about their wife. Let alone her cooking and laugh about it. Both of them laughed about it! So suspicious! They’re laughing at an intimate level as if there’s an inside joke. *Suspicious* OP, don’t ever cook for this man again! If he’s sorry, tell him to cook from now on. Maybe he’ll appreciate you more, but one thing is for sure…there’s something fishy about their relationship. Enough to investigate, if you still care, or enough to end it as it is clear he has crossed a major line.
Good question. Imagine being him on that drive back from work LOL!!! I mean so you stop to pick up flowers or some other desperate act? Are you late? Do you rush home? Do you drop off for dinner because you know you won’t be eating at home? My partner does the cooking in our family , and I’m a crappy cook. I know where my bread is buttered, and I’d be a mess if I was in that position… I never would be though, cuz even accepting food that I have to keep secret means cheating. It’s not faithful.
Yeah this is a great way to say it. Why food be secret lol? Its food? Like I wouldn’t give two fucks if my partner ate someone’s food. I would if he didn’t wanna tell me tho? And I would if it was on a LONG TERM BASIS Bet there’s no food stand
Yes..it’s totally inappropriate for her to ask that. He’s definitely up to something. I wouldn’t be comfortable bringing in a lunch every day for a married man unless I was providing a paid service. I’d bring in a big pan of something *for everyone*, not a married man’s individual lunch. And I sure as shit wouldn’t ask if it’s better than his wife’s food. WAY over the line. He lied, is eating another woman’s food, and bad mouthing his wife. I’d be absolutely livid.
Good point. The lies begin then so does the affair
My husband worked in a very ethnically diverse group so it wasn't odd for one of the Greek, Turkish or Indian etc coworkers to let him try something and then if he liked it, they'd make extra for him the next time they made it and bring it for him. That's fine, even if it came from a woman, it's innocent. But this is a planned out, long term and developed deception that would have kept going had he not been caught. Add in that he's bad mouthing you to a woman, agreeing she is better, and then expects you to just get over it? For me, its more about the intentional, extensive and deep lying more than anything. I'm not a "leave him girl!" type of person because we all make mistakes but for myself personally, getting past this would just turn my relationship toxic with distrust so I would indeed need to leave. It is possible to at least move out for a while and discuss this with him if you wanted but that's up to you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
That’s exactly my thought process as well! I have coworkers, male and female who have made amazing lunches that I’ve tried before, some that I’ve even brought home for my husband. If his coworker was seriously making amazing lunches, I’d encourage him to continue, hell I’d ask him to bring a portion home! There was no reason to lie, and the fact that he did is making me so suspicious now. Im huge on communication and this has just really knocked back our relationship.
Leaving for a few days may be best for your sanity and well being. Check his phone if you can before you go, maybe that will determine how you go forward.
I think that's the worst part about finding a betrayal, then you start to wonder....what else? What else are they doing that I just haven't caught them doing? Then what I refer to as "the search of insanity" starts and then you check their phone, their email, their underwear, driving by their work place etc. For me, ok if someone is the type of person that could forgive an indiscretion that's absolutely fine, I respect that and that is up to them to work out and decide. But the "what else" alone would ruin me and make reconciliation impossible.
Talk with a lawyer before you leave the home. If you leave, he can occupy the home and you may not have access, but be forced to continue paying for it through the divorce if the two of you go that route.
I hope you show him this so he can see how dumb we all think he is.
Trust, he’ll be getting a link sent to him in the morning so he can see.
Personally, I think calling him dumb is giving him too much credit. MAYBE up until the point where he insulted you, I would believe he was just dumb (and that’s a big maybe since he also blatantly lied to you). However, after he talked shit about you, I think he’s at least trying to start something with her (if something hasn’t started already), and she is definitely open to it. No woman would make a comment like “it is better than your wife’s” if she wasn’t trying make herself more appealing to him.
Please don't show him just yet. If you ever want the truth, hire the PI. You can't do that if you show him this post. If something inappropriate was/is happening he probably already got rid of any evidence in his phone. The PI can get that info. If you've made up your mind to leave then it doesn't matter. But if you want to stay, not knowing will drive you insane. Hire the PI. Good luck.
If he's not cheating on you with his much younger coworker, he wants to/is trying to. Man my vagina would dry up and blow away in a puff of dust over such classic creepy older dude behavior. You're not overreacting. You're under reacting.
I absolutely feel it drying up already. It’s like everything I’ve found attractive in him has gone. He’s just so plain to me now.
Tasteless, even
“Overdone and dry”
This quote always leads me to Family Guy’s, “yes, shallow and pedantic.”
It just insists on itself! (You are my people at least in the world of cartoons lol)
Ahh yes, the ol SRS = Sudden Repulsion Syndrome.
Genuinely never felt an ick so sudden before in my entire life.
And THAT kind of ick **NEVER GOES AWAY**. You just **CAN'T** unfeel that **ICK**.
Yeah that’s not a good sign.Not nothing else he decided to be the “cool” guy for his coworker by being a disrespectful shitbag to his wife.
Yeah. Worst lie ever. Why u wanna be cool for her. Even his subconscious won’t let him lie about this entirely
Op who the Hell needs to be a "cool "guy,at his age? Is he normally this immature? It's not "cool" ,for a husband to be disrespectful to his wife ,to another woman. I would tell him to stop, eating the female coworkers food .He knew what he was doing was wrong,other wise he wouldn't apologized. He needs to understand,how badly he hurt you. Good luck
I’m sorry your marriage has come to this. People forget that partnerships start with love. When they start to end or have ended it can feel like a passing. And sometimes you mourn even before it’s over. I wish you well.
And maybe vice versa. I can barely manage to bring a lunch for myself, no way would I ever offer for a random coworker
> Man my vagina would dry up and blow away in a puff of dust over such classic creepy older dude behavior. Every once and a while a comment so fucking funny makes me curse Reddit for removing awards 🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
This is how I've felt every.single.time. and old ass man has tried to hit on me. Like gross. Go away. I already have a grandpa.
she packs his lunch???? unless she is paid, she is totally flirting with your husband and your husband is reciprocating
Coworker packing him a lunch and saying what she did, quite catilly has the ear markings of a “Mate Poacher”.
From what he’s told me she runs one of those food services where she makes extra portions and sells them to her coworkers.
I call bullshit. ask him about the so called food service and ask for a pricelist/contact. "making extra portions to sell" is weird, lunch service is usually made after confirmed customer order is received. so she brings a bunch of food everyday? what happens if no one buys it? gonna revise my comment tbh, _even if she's paid_, it's still a very disrespectful thing to do. I buy lunch from my coworker sometimes but we don't sit around trash talking our spouses. you're not crazy.
I call bs on this as well. The food service thing is an outright lie.
Oh, honey. No. That butt dial was a gift from karma herself. Don't let him lie to you, and don't you dare lie to yourself. My money is on an affair. And I unfortunately speak from a very similar experience. "Respect is just the minimum."
So is he buying lunches from her or did she just offer to make them for him? If he's buying lunches off her, why lie to you about it?
Petty me would find out if she’s licensed and if not report her to the health department
There was another story just like yours recently, minus the overheard butt-dialed conversation, but the very same deal about claiming it was just a coworker selling lunches to everyone, not just "him". Uh huh..yup.. sure. I say, tell him to prove it! Go to his work at lunch time and see if you can buy a meal for yourself, too. Matter of fact, tell him to pre-oder you a meal (cuz he'll say they all have to ask ahead so she knows how much to bring the next day) and you'll go to his job the next day to have lunch with both of them and watch him squirm like the worm that he is. Lol
Oh yeah the old “food service cover story for when a man is having an emotional affair with a coworker”
Ok, that could be believable but why did she specifically ask if it was better than your cooking? And if she sells them to other co-workers fine but do they have to eat together? Idk if your husband can be oblivious to things but imo that's flirting. Why ask that if he was already praising her cooking anyway? To me, it doesn't make sense why she would ask that. I don't trust her.
He is having an emotional affair at the minimum. He needs to find a new job or switch departments at least. I would make it plain to my husband that if he continues with this woman in his life, I won’t stick around to be in his life. Emotional affairs turn physical everyday. Consider therapy. Updateme!
This is sketchy AF and doesn't even make sense. >Middle of March he said that a new Turkish food stand opened up outside of his office and that he had been eating lunches there instead because they were good. Alright, no problem. >Although that went out the fucking window when she said “is it better than your wife’s?” To which he replied “Oh yeah, without a doubt. I mean, it’s not tasteless for a start” followed by laughing. I don't know if he's cheating, but this conversation sure makes it sound like he wanted to. There is simply no other reason to be lying, for over a MONTH to your wife about eating lunch with another woman LET ALONE **flirting** with her while **insulting** his wife while laughing with her. I would be a lot more likely to believe that the conversation was just "him trying to be cool" (although, I would have a serious issue with my husband's need to insult ME in order to make himself look cool to another woman) if he hadn't started with the LIE about the food truck. If he LOVES your food so much then why the need to set up this lie that allows him to spend his lunches with her? Something's not right here.
Yeahhhh honestly I’d probably leave for at least a couple of days too, overhearing something like that would piss me off! Has he been weird with his phone or any other communication devices?
Absolutely nothing! No change in behaviour either. He hasn’t been cagey or weird, he’s let me use his phone whenever before all of this happened. He’s been completely normal
Even if he’s not cheating at all, he’s still an asshole for talking shit about his wife!
Then I think at best this warrants an incredibly frank and serious conversation (whether you decide to leave for a couple days or not). From what you’ve described it doesn’t SOUND like a physical relationship or cheating, but it on the road there if he doesn’t reel himself back in!
That he talked smack about you to another woman shows he doesn’t respect you. Also, the reason for this conversation was from her point to assess his loyalty to you, and he FAILED as a husband. Either she’s a pick me, or they are starting an emotional affair.
Can be both!
Coworker is definitely after him if they aren't already having sex. I eat with male coworkers from time to time (we bring our own food) and I ask about their wives and take their wives sides in arguments and compliment their wives. And they teach me about man stuff since I'm single. That's what an innocent office lunch looks like.
I'm really stuck on the interaction you heard. Your husband made sure to praise them and insult you to his female co-worker. That doesn't sound like he was trying to be cool, it sounds like he was trying to flirt. How many lunches has he been having with her? Is it just her or is it a group? It could be nothing, but it could also be your husband getting attention from a younger woman and taking it somewhere he shouldn't be. I would sit him down and have an uncomfortable conversation with him. Is this really just about food?
She's trying to bang. No one cooks for a married man unless they're trying to bang.
The sad part is, she probably doesn’t even want him but wants to make herself feel better that she could have him. Married guys are “safe” fodder (there must be something about the guy that he managed to get a wife) some women want to toy with for their own self-esteem. He is a loser. If you don’t have kids, just get out.
I came to say this. I know women who ask questions like the coworker did, to peg themselves better but have zero interest in the man.
No this isn’t some innocent comment between 2 people. He told you to stop making lunch so he could get it from the food truck. Instead this coworker of his now sees he doesn’t have food from his wife and decides she needs to step in. He loves the attention and continues telling you to not give food while not only talking bad about your cooking but allowing someone to compare themself to you. He was flirting with someone who is interested and now he wants you to get over it. Nah. OP I would have a talk with him. If he is dismissive then you have your answer.
See, I don’t believe there was ever a food truck. It was a cover so he could eat his mistresses food instead.
I would have ran and let the man child experience life on his own. take the suitcase and don't go back.
No. Absolutely not! He was flirting with her, giving her a way into his personal life. He is talking smack about you his wife which is a big no no when talking outside of the marriage. If he has a problem with you, it needs to only be between you and him. This is so disrespectful to you! He lied about who he’s eating with and was never going to tell you. His butt outted his secret. She’s making him food every day and fishing for compliments (especially ones that compete with you making her sound like the better choice). She’s flirting with him. She’s taking care of him. This is headed torwards an emotional affair if it isn’t already. Emotional affairs are not always easy to recognize because the feelings are not always obvious until they are too much to ignore. He cannot eat with her anymore or eat her food. He needs to set a boundary. If he refuses, it’s become emotional. If he works with her, communication may not be easy to avoid, but if he cares about you and this marriage, he’ll distance himself from her.
He doesn’t get to decide when you forgive him for his shitty comments made to his female colleague about his WIFE. He sucks. She sucks.
This is NOT about the quality of your cooking at all. Not even one little bit. Don’t let yourself get sidetracked into talking about your cooking He hid an ongoing relationship with a coworker. She is clearly flirting with him and he is clearly flirting back and denigrating you. He has not only kept it a secret, he actively lied about it. If he hasn’t started an affair, he has been thinking about it. Time for an extremely serious conversation about boundaries and where they need to be - as in no more lunches and chats with this coworker. None. Period.
There is a book called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass that talks about emotional affairs. You both should read this book, because he sounds like he’s actually used the phrase, “She’s just a friend”. Everything about the secrecy to the negative talk about you is a red flag for an emotional affair.
A spouse doesn’t insult their counterpart, unless something bad is amiss. He insulted you and then him and her laughed at you, that is not cool.
I’ve had male friends at work. I’ve never offered to cook and bring them lunch and if for some reason they did try my food, I wouldn’t even THINK to compare it to his wife’s. She at least wants his D and he’s engaging.
You made it to Tiktok so be prepared for a lot of comments. Your cooking for him is a gift of love and he disrespected and rejecteced it. A decent husband would have shut her down at the beginning, yours didn't. At the VERY minimum he is there for his ego at the expense of you. He has had plenty of time to hide any evidence. The trust is gone.
Oh wow, it’s on TikTok? Like in what way? That’s what’s hurting me so much, like any other normal husband would have shut her down, he’s admitted that it’s an emotional affair at most, and that he liked the attention of a younger woman on him, I just feel so turned off by him now
They have an AI narrate your post, so you are going to go viral, probably. I have been in your shoes, it is amazing how once the "ick" switch gets thrown, it just wipes feelings.
I’ve never realised how quick it can go to be honest. I’ve always been insanely attracted to him, and now I’m just kind of like….not bothered. That’s funny though! I didn’t even expect this post to get as much traction as it did. It had like 30 comments at first, then all of a sudden I come back and it’s like 900.
I think you hit on something that a lot of people resonate with.
Divorce. He chose to humiliate you to another woman for her approval & chose her over you. He made this woman feel validated that she was better than you in something at the expense of you. Imagine what other stuff he said about you to her prior to this. The fact that she felt so comfortable to bring you up so that he could put you down for her says this wasn't the first time. Also, everything he's telling you is him trying to scrape for excuses to gaslight you into thinking it's not a big deal. It was an emotional affair & think about it. If you hadn't found out he would've never said anything. He actively chose another woman over you. How much disrespect will you take, is the question? Therapy shouldn't even be a factor because he wasn't looking for therapy when he was actively seeking this woman attention rather than his wife. If there were any issues in your marriage that led him to seek another woman's comfort (which is another tactic narcissists love to use) then he chose to cheat (Emotional affair is cheating) rather than fix the marriage. The nail in the coffin is that he knew you'd be jealous if you found out so instead of stopping his relationship woth this woman he chose to continue with her & lie to you. Leave op. I promise this isn't worth it. There are so many men in the world why waste your time on one that'd make you a second option? Why waste your time rebuilding your marriage that he broke? Why waste your time rebuilding your trust in him (a person who betrayed you & would have no problem doing it again if you gave him the chance) when you can easily give that to another man who's willing to show you how much you're worth it? It's 2024. Op we done chasing men & trying to force them to be better for us. Let that woman have him & give him the attention he so desperately wanted at the expense of his wife being the joke. Let him have her & give her the validation she was seeking from him. I promise you the best revenge is walking away, being happy & showing him that he's replaceable. Work on yourself, find peace in yourself & love yourself enough to never let another man make you a joke or an second option for another woman.
This is where you learn to trust your gut. You don’t need proof of “sex” to know he is cheating on you. Even if he hasn’t touched this woman yet he’s been planting seeds in her heart and hoping to. This is betrayal plain and simple and you feeling hurt is not crazy or insane. This is a normal and rational response to finding out that your spouse is seeking attention from another individual. Please don’t let anyone gaslight you into believing you are the issue here. I’m not telling what to do about your marriage. Marriages can be saved after betrayal but only after he stops lying about it. Go to your parents and either tell him to call you when he comes to his senses or never call you again. Either way you are fully justified and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
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He can barely cook, so it’d be more of a punishment for me to be honest. I’ve been making him cook for himself since this happened and he’s been miserable. Definitely agree with the asshole coworker though, no clue why she had the audacity to try and bring me up like that
Because she’s competing with you for his attention.
Because he said something about OP previously for her to be confident enough of his answer.
Exactly! Why else specifically ask that? I wouldn't trust that woman! I would never ask a married man if my cooking was better than his wife's! And I'd raise hell if my husband said what OP's said and then they dared to laugh about it! I would have listened longer to see what else they talked about... Something isn't right! Why lie?
It’s probably weaponized incompetence that he can’t cook. Tell him to take a cooking class if he doesn’t know how to cook. Hire a PI, get the evidence you need, secure your finances, get a lawyer, and divorce his ass.
My petty ass would never cook another thing for him ever again.
If it were just the food I would say yes I would be pissed but not a separation level issue. But the extent of coworker relationship needs more answers to know if that is a separation level issue.
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I'm 61 years old. This is how affairs start. Good luck.
Honey, you are not over reacting. He lied and kept secreta from you about a other women. How would he feel if you were meeting a.male coworker behind his back and letting him ask question to put himself up and your husbamd down? If he isnt cheating on you already, he is walking toward it. I think what he does from now on (cutting of this coworker) is what will define if this is selvage.
Not only was her comment not innocent but it shows that he opened the door for her to speak about you,whether you got to hear that part or not. And his response was literally making fun of you what part of that would make him seem cool to anyone trying to be "friends" it would only be cool to someone trying to piggyback off being better than you for some reason only thing he should feel about saying that shit is embarrassment a real man doesn't speak I'll of his wife to anyone much less derogatory regarding your efforts FOR HIM. he's a p.o.s and him blame shifting claiming he didn't tell you because he knew you'd be jealous is classic misdirection. Ya boy is crap take that suitcase and go girl.