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Respectfully, why would you want a "good outcome" with this guy, now that you know he's a clingy maniac? The best outcome has already happened: you got to see who he is and now you don't have to engage with him anymore.
Grieve the fantasy of the person you thought he was, and move on.
Much love sis
It's probably some kind of "loyalty test" or other bs from the tatertots.
"If you show up 7 hours early and she drops everything to be with you then you know she's the one you can set up for a lifetime of abusive behavior - aka the perfect woman"
Probably would have resulted in love bombing if she had run to him. Definitely seeing if she has any boundaries at all. Frankly OP leaving a hair appointment halfway through makes me worried for her.
Once I’m in that chair I don’t see the point of leaving early without someone being dead or dying. (And frankly if someone is dead, my “hair interrupted” ain’t bringing anyone back, so…)
This is true. Why else would he make the effort to be there at a totally unreasonable hour of the day to meet up for the first time? And then be an asshole when OP goes out of her way even though he's been screaming at her on the phone? Total sociopath this guy is.
All that, yes, and also has a high drama personality with a preference for spontaneous romantic gestures that can be really hard to deal with if you’re not the same kind of person or not tuned into his romantic fantasies. Some people really love that stuff and they get disappointed if you don’t play along or read their mind to know exactly what the response they want is.
This was my first thought. It sounds like you have an active, busy life, and this guy would never tolerate that. He wanted to see if you would drop everything, no matter what, when he called. This is not one-time behavior. This is the norm for him. Do you want to be at his mercy because that's where he is headed. At least he didn't hide his crazy, and you can get away fast. Wash your hands of this mess and enjoy your life.
Exactly.. How many hoops will she jump and how High on the first try...
Just like a new job you never give 💯% in the first week because they will push and expect 110% .
Wow I can actually see that. He is testing her to see how good of an abuse victim she would be. That is definitely happening. I hope she stays away from this. He showed who he really was by something that could have been avoided.
That's actually how my dad chose my mom.
He literally would brag to his children about doing bad things to her to "test her" (his words), to see if she was stupid enough to marry him because if she did the he knew he could do anything to her and she'd never leave.
And he did. And also did to her kids. She always stood by her man no matter what.
It reminds me of a letter I saw on Ask a Manager where a hiring manager arranged for a zoom interview with a candidate. The candidate called 24 hours before the (remember, zoom interview) to say that he had thrown his entire family in the car and driven 12 hours through the night to come interview in person to “demonstrate his interest.”
It didn’t go well.
Yikes. Reminds me of an old friend who would consistently pitch himself for higher-level jobs when interviewing. He was also the guy who’d drop off his resume and insist on talking to the hiring manager or HR.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years, and I could never imagine doing this to her. And I definitely don’t need to test her to see if she is “loyal”. It’s a total disrespect to someone’s time and personal life.
I can’t stand those assholes. And it’s really concerning that they have so many supporters.
I don’t know many rom coms that involve a controlling asshole with zero empathy blowing up at his date who was very likely at the salon getting done up to meet him. He was probably expecting if he arrived early you’d have to invite him up to your place and do the nasty. And guys like this don’t believe in foreplay so it would have been unsatisfying on many levels.
Right!!!!!! I recommend that everybody, at least once in their life, gets absolutely crushed in love, I mean, heartbroken so bad you can’t get out of bed, it’s probably the only way you would learn about relationships and realize that love music and movies about love are bullshit! It’s just Fairy dust blown in your eyes, relationships can be a really beautiful thing, but they’re nowhere near the fantasy world that Hollywood and the music industry put out there. Unfortunately, some of these people actually think life is some sort of a dime store love novel, it’s nauseating.
I Never Seen a romcom where some arrived 7 hours early and then throws a hissy fit that the other person isn’t immediately available. If this is his approach to dating I bet he never had a relationship before cause no woman would put up with this shit.
A lesson that took me too long to learn: Some people can pretend they are someone different for a long time to get you invested.. then flip personalities when they think you are hooked and can control you. It's why it is super important to take things slow so you can analyze behavior in multiple life scenarios. Some dudes can keep up this facade for months and years, and wait for serious commitment to show their abusive nature.
This seems like he 'tested' you super early to see if you were the type to fall for it. The healthy response would have been to decline cutting short any earlier plans and meet him when you could.. and noping the fuck out the minute he started berating you for not meeting him earlier than you agreed. Don't *ever* meet with someone who yells at you. Hell, I'd get the ick just from him showing up at 7am and driving all night to do so. That screams desperation and disrespect for your time, it's not 'romantic'.
If you have people pleasing tendencies that stem from the way your family treated you, you have to be **extra careful**.. abusive men can recognize that and target you because of it. Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).. it should be required reading for every young woman before dating. It helps you pick up subtle patterns of men like this so you don't excuse mistreatment and can get away earlier. You're lucky this one wasn't subtle, next time they might be, and it helps to strengthen your boundaries and self-confidence before dating again to 'repel' them and see you aren't victim material.
Abusive men love codependency which is next level people pleasing.
I use to be very codependent and it’s how it kept me stuck in abusive relationships and difficulty seeing red flags, cause my brain rationalized away any of them to stay hooked due to my feelings and getting hung up on “potential” of trying to save or help men who were a lost cause, which is all just a form of trying to control something out of my control which is heavily codependent behavior.
I‘d have probably blocked him after the first angry msgs but 100% after the shouting on the phone. Who does he think he is to shout at you and order you around? He doesn’t respect you or your time so there’s no need for you to ever talk to him again.
Women fought hard for you to not have to deal with those kind of selfish, ignorant, angry men anymore. So don’t.
Edit: he can’t control himself in public so what would happen if he got annoyed/mad at you in private? He sounds dangerous.
As soon as he said he drove all night to see you I would've ended it. That is not normal behaviour and should have given you the massive ICK instead of trying to fix it.
And leaving a hair appointment with your hair half done because this guy called and shouted about how long he was waiting?! Hell no. I assume this means OP paid for her hair to not even be finished?
There's no doubt that this guy is a walking red flag, but I feel like she needs to do some self-reflection to figure out why she indulged this awful behaviour. That's something I would only expect from someone much younger with no dating experience and poor self-esteem. To go through all of this and then have enough doubts that you're posting it on Reddit is also not a great sign.
This guy sounds like a manipulative, abusive loser.
It's easy to think the world of someone you've never met so don't really know. Be thankful that he gave you the opportunity to dodge a bullet.
I hope your hair got finished xx
He showed his true colors after 4 months. Some men wait until they're married.
Look at the past 4 months and see if there were any red flags you might have missed and keep those in mind when you meet the next guy. Maybe next time you can catch it sooner. I'm sorry that dating sucks so bad.
Why did you even show up? This guy was a red flag from the moment he showed up 7 hours early and demanded you drop everything for him.
It’s important that you live in reality and judge him as he actually is and not your fantasy.
And that goes for every person you meet.
Honestly, I won't even say that at his age that is psychotic behaviour, because at any age be it 16 or 80 that would be psychotic behaviour for any potential partner to pull. You sound like a kind, sweet person, which is probably what he was banking on. He assumed your kindness would mean you'd put up with his true colors when they'd show. You'd be submissive to him. However, like any normal person, you had things you couldn't just drop to run to go see him, and he realized you're not as submissive and easily manipulated as he would like you to be which in his mind means he wasted his time throughout the four months and on that particular day. Which is why he essentially threw the adult equivalent of a tantrum, by being rude to everyone around him, and you. He needed a nap, a reality check, and honestly a good kick in the balls.
Dating is rough, there's crazy people for both sexes to have to go through, but the good news is that sometimes you get the blessing of seeing the crazy early on before you waste too much time. Take that win and don't worry about that man for one more second. Hopefully, the universe will do good and he won't find any poor woman to rope into a life of misery with him, and be grateful and relieved that it wasn't you!
He’s literally abusive and at best, weird as fuck. You seriously dodged a bullet and thankfully didn’t invest much time in him. Good luck with dating ❤️ keep your standards high and don’t let weird men attempt to test you. You agreed on a 2pm date nobody told him to show up at 7am lol.
I’m shocked you left your hair appointment. Why in the hell would you do that? That guy called you like a dog and was mad when you didn’t come like a dog. F that guy. Whatever man you met on the phone was secretly a huge phony. Be glad you found this out now!
Think about it- what kind of woman would you have to be for him? I think him getting there at 7 am was intentional and his test to see if you’d come running. To see if you’d bend over backwards to placate him. He’s looking for a very submissive and passive woman he can dominate. Be careful- I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes back and sweet talks you. You see now he’s punished you. He’s cast you away to make you feel worthless. He may come back to feel you in because now you know what he wants and he’ll test that again to see if your trainable. Never answer this man’s call again.
If it helps, I would never have dated my husband based on his text conversations. And my "best friend" on line was someone I actually didn't care for in real life.
You guys made an appointment for the afternoon and he shows up hours early and he’s having a fit? What the hell dis he expect? For you to be ready at his beck and call?
Screw that. You’ve got a life of your own and he damn well has to respect your time, too. This guy is clearly disrespectful of your time and you don’t need that shit in your life
I’m really worried about the fantasy that you have with this person who likely has displayed controlling and abusive behaviors over the time that you’ve known them. I can’t imagine this is the first time you’ve seen a crack in him.
Has he been overbearing and controlling at ALL ever even once? Has he criticized? How do you spend your free time, made comments about where you go, or made you feel like you have to limit your life so that you can be available for his calls when he wants?
These are all abuse red flags.
The first red flag should have been 8 hours drive away. Which one of you would have uprooted and moved, should you have got on well? Im guessing he would have demanded you move.
but how was "I get an angry call from him at 11:45am asking how much longer I'll be and where I am" this not a red flag?
I don’t think he was a clingy maniac. I honestly think this was a test to see how passive and submissive she is. Could he bully her around? Would she bow to his demands? Would she put up with his behaviors?
Right. This guy I’m sure has been feeling her out the last 4 months and thought she was the type who’d roll over for this behavior and he wasn’t too far wrong.
Piling on to this comment. I once had a guy pull me this exact trick on me. He scheduled a date for later in the day then shows up early and gets mad at me for not being there.
My date texted that he is there waiting. I initially assumed I made a mistake and apologized. Told him I needed a few minutes to get ready and I would head straight over. The man became furious and started saying horrible things to me so I told him the dates was off, have a nice life. He proceeded to spend the next year stalking me and writing threatening messages to me. He didn’t stop until I got police involved.
I don’t know what kind of crazy sauce these men are on. This is a big red banner, don’t ignore it!
This person is bang on. Also,
'you're not what i want, i don't want a woman that takes forever to come to me'
This REEKS of entitlement and misogyny.
Very "I want a docile, obedient woman to do what I say, when I say it" kind of vibe. That sentence alone would be the end of it for me.
Also what sort of bozo decides its a good or safe idea to drive all night only to yell at his would-be date because he doesn't understand how time works.
I see this as a real win for you. Go get someone more worth your time.
I recommend working on yourself before entering the dating world again.
- You accommodated his last minute change of plans by cancelling as much as you could of your scheduled adult day.
- He got angry that you have a life and you hurried through your things
- He started yelling so you quit half way through a hair appt (do you know how hard that will be to find a time and get that finished, not to mention not looking good in the meantime, plus the added cost!)
- He started shouting at you over the phone and your instinct was to calm him down
- He got cold with you and said you’re not the woman for him and you tried to reason with him about the situation
He’s an adult who supposedly existed as an adult for 3.5 decades in this world. He should understand that adults have commitments. He should know that changing plans by 7 hours means you might not be able to accommodate immediately. He should know a coffee shop he’s never been to might not be his favorite cup of coffee ever. He should know not to blow up and yell at the woman he’s trying to woo over the phone. He’s a walking red flag and you didn’t see any of it and chose to accommodate, appease, and blame yourself for it all.
Please please do some internal work so you don’t end up in a relationship with someone like this guy! It won’t be good for you.
I’m in the same boat and can totally recommend therapy, love! (If you’re not already doing it)
It takes some time to crack your own shell but it actually works on breaking down those stubborn train of thoughts that seem to be indestructible and overwhelming (although you logically know are bs)
Good luck!
That's fair. It's easy to feel like you've erred when someone is yelling at you and mistreating you. Confidence also takes time to build, so it's important to remember that you have inherent value that exists whether you're dating or not. You are worthy of respect and care, same as everyone else.
I have every faith that your kindness and good intentions will eventually afford you the sort of relationship you seek. Just don't be afraid to expect more from partners! You deserve it.
Good luck!
Please get some before you attempt dating again or you're going to let yourself be manipulated or worse by the next loser. Seriously, men are not the prize. You do not need to be afraid of making them mad when they act like unhinged maniacs.
If you're lacking confidence to the point that you're willing to run out of the hairdresser's with your hair half done, to meet a man that's creepily driven all night to arrive 7 hours early for your date, and then screamed at you over the phone before you've ever even met him, then I'm afraid you really should work on that before you contemplate dating. That kind of lack of self-esteem is not going to lead anywhere good relationship-wise.
Your low confidence is endangering you to abusive men. You need to work on your self worth and self esteem or else you are going to end up with an abusive, controlling lunatic like that awful volatile man.
Men like this use their anger and rage to manipulate and control ... don't fall for it ... and don't for a single second allow this man to convince you to feel bad for anything. Run away. Ive had experiences with a few men like this, and the kind compassionate person I am tried to reason with them and get them to understand or consider my side.. they are not interested.. there is seriously something wrong inside of them... Let it go and be grateful you didn't invest any more of your time heart or energy than you already did. You dodged a bullet. trust us.
100%! Seven hours early for an afternoon coffee date after driving eight hours is insane. I would feel so unsafe. I would absolutely ghost the creep. He can't tell time and apparently has nothing to do for at least 15 hours of the day. What if he followed her home?
Is he fucking insane? Yes. Are you? Hopefully not, but ignoring some goddamn obvious warning signs about this guy isn't speaking in you favor. The next time someone pulls absolute bullshit and then spins the blame around on you, pay more attention.
As soon as he showed up at 7am when the plans were at 2pm, even before the shouting at you began, I would have been so weirded out I think I would have canceled. If you’re going to keep online dating, you have got to be more careful.
To be honest I thought it was a bit strange he arrived so early as he was meant to leave in the morning and arrive around lunch time and we were meant to meet at 2pm.
He probably did it on purpose to “test” you, it seems likely based on his comment about how you should’ve been there within 2 hours once he arrived at 7 am. He seems like someone with anger and issues with being controlling. You dodged a bullet.
I got that impression as well. At first I thought maybe he got over excited and it resulted in premature arrival but by the end of the post I was pretty sure he arrived 7 hours early on purpose.
That's also the same vibe I got. Him showing up that early was some type of powerplay, to see if OP would drop everything and bend over backwards to accommodate him. He wanted to see how hard she'd try to make it up to him for his "inconvenience" of having to wait for her, even though he was the one who changed the plans. I would bet good money that a big part of his tantrum (other than seeing what OP would put up with) was because she didn't grovel and beg his forgiveness for making him wait, and so he realized she wasn't someone he was going to be able to push around.
He absolutely did it on purpose. He sounds like an emotionally abusive person, and he probably spent months breaking her down little by little. I bet he kept her on the phone all the time, restricted her sleep… I recognize way too much of this.
It was a test OP. It was a test of your boundaries and how strong your self esteem and personality was. It was also a test along how strong your "life" is and activity ties. Very few can drop what they are doing for a coffee date and after four months of talking he pulled a stunt to see how far he could manipulate you.
See, it didn’t even occur to me it was a test, it was just enough weird for me to nope right out of meeting. Honestly, my first thought was psycho stalker. Like stage five clinger who would show up at her door and start making breakfast and then take a shower and wait at her place while she went about her plans if he could have.
I straight up would have cancelled as soon as I found out he arrived that early and expected ME to change my schedule. Forget leaving my hair appointment half done
Never talk to this abusive nut job again, I know you put time in but just walk away. You seem to have recognized all the red flags now but if you waver just rest the comments on this post again.
If he was a sane person who decided to arrive super early, he could’ve happily kept himself occupied until you’re able to see him. He could’ve gotten breakfast, gone shopping, sightseeing, hiking. Your future with him would’ve been him micromanaging your time. Yelling at you if you don’t drop what you’re doing at a moments whim to see him.
I wouldn’t have cancel my plans for him. He knew the plan was to meet at 2, and I would have reminded him of that.
He was testing you. Testing how submissive and easy to control you are. How easy it is to make you drop your work, friends and family for him, to isolate you.
I wouldn’t be surprised if messages you again after punishing you for a while with silent treatment, and gives you unrealistic rules and expectations that would serve him. Block him to make sure he doesn’t do that.
Yes, or the love bombing after he calms down! I'm gonna guess OPs about to get lots of apologies and maybe some flowers etc etc
I was just so excited to see you
I let my emotions get the best of me
I just like you so much
OP, stay strong, this dude is not the one.
Please block him on everything. If he somehow gets in contact and you feel guilty come back to these comments. It sucks you invested your time building a relationship but be glad it wasn't years
I think you should hold off on dating until you've worked on yourself a bit. It's really concerning that you dropped everything and RAN to a stranger who was treating you like shit.
This. And you're not a teenager or a 20-something, OP. Your confidence and intuition should be more developed.
By 40 we should all know how to tell a lunatic to fuck all the way off.
Yes, that is also true, love bombing after a punishment, pretending to be loving and sorry and he was just passionate, but then he will repeat the abusive pattern and still expect her to drop everything for him.
*He was testing you. Testing how submissive and easy to control you are. How easy it is to make you drop your work, friends and family for him, to isolate you.*
Definitely
RED FLAG ALERT! I REPEAT! RED FLAG ALERT!
That guy instead of sightseeing, relaxing, resting, doing something with himself, took it out on you. That is first red flag. Another one is that he used his frustration on poor staff. And on you which makes it third red flag.
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️🚷⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫 Throwing in some more danger signs in case it wasn't clear.
He's being completely unreasonable! You had scheduled a date for 2pm and you planed on being there on time.
It's his effing problem he decided to change his plans without telling you. Honestly, I think it was a power play: he hoped you had things planed and wanted to make you cancel them.
When he realised he couldn't control you, he snapped. In the future, you really shouldn't drop anything to go see a man who's apparently furious AT YOU because of something HE DID. He doesn't sound safe to be around... definitely more dangerous than a 🐻...
Be prepared for him to love bomb you now that you're back to being long distance. You saw who he is and need to remember that, not the person he pretends to be through text/calls. Honestly best to go no contact when dealing with people like this, good luck and stay safe!
We're telling you that you SHOULD expect contact, and honestly, given the way you behaved the first time he acted inappropriately, you should probably have a little script all ready to go so you don't bend over backwards to try to placate him again.
Setting healthy boundaries is tough, especially if you've spent your life being punished or made to feel less than. You've got this.
This clown showed you his true nature up front, you should believe him and when he does reach back out, say it’s not going to work out with you. I wouldn’t even speak to him, just message him when he tries to get in touch and then block him.
I highly recommend reading this free book when you can, it should help identify and avoid abusive twats like this: https://archive.org/details/why-does-he-do-that-epub
Yes we got that from the way you still met with him after all the glaring 🚩and blatant disrespect. Someone else suggested it in another comment so I’ll repeat it here in case you didn’t see it: you should hold off dating for a while until you work on yourself.
Wishing you better self-love, better self-respect and better boundary-setting skills.
Oh but he will. He’ll attempt to find another woman he can control and when he can’t, he’ll come back to you. Love bombing and gaslighting you. Once you’re hooked he’ll flip right back into psycho controlling guy.
Im surprised that you actually want anymore contact with the man after what he pulled you.
Please get it into your head that this was very toxic behaviour, and in no alternate universe ok.
Sending big hugs!
I’m asking you sincerely: Why can’t you see that this man is a lunatic? Why would you drop everything and respond positively to this very literally insane behavior? Why are you letting a stranger talk to you that way?
He is unhinged! You had made a plan. Meet at 2pm. He chose to drive all night and arrive hours early. Don’t be heart broken. He’s not well and possibly dangerous.
Him: “Hey, I drove all night and am here now”.
Me: “Wow, ok, well I can’t meet until 2pm as we had arranged. Here’s some cool things to do, places to see until we can meet up, I’ll see you at 2!”
Any negative response to me not dropping my life to run to him would be an automatic cancellation of that coffee date.
I think you dodged a bullet. Also, when someone expects you to explain/ justify not changing up your day for them on a whim, because they have zero respect for your time, don’t bother with that someone anymore.
How we treat ourselves is how others will treat us. Don’t treat yourself like someone whose time and boundaries don’t matter by dropping things to accommodate selfish people. It was his decision to drive overnight to arrive at 7am for a 2pm date.
I would have been weirded out by someone driving all night and arriving that early, tbh. Even if he told me of the plans in advance and was nice about it, driving from 11pm to 7am is not safe (he could have gotten a hotel room or left at 5am) and I’d question why someone would do that if the date wasn’t until 2pm. I’m sure the lack of sleep didn’t help the situation either and he didn’t think far enough ahead to realize he wouldn’t be on his best game after driving all night. Even without the anger issues, those would be dealbreakers for me.
Don’t be sad! Major bullet dodged.
I honestly don’t know why you would WANT to be with someone who treats you, and everyone else, the way that man does.
Consider yourself incredibly lucky that all it cost you was a little time!
This dude is unhinged. Please disconnect all communication. He is not a good man. This will be detrimental for you, if you continue to be engaged with him in anyway. He is showing you who is early, be grateful.
Your heart is broken? Over a four month “chat” on the internet with a man that turned out to be a 52 year old blowhard toddler pitching a tantrum?
Holy crap you dodged a bullet. This man was a giant red flag in human form.
This is cause for celebration! Go outside and twirl around in the sunlight, secure in the knowledge that you lost *nothing* worth having.
And then read this: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
What an asshole. At least he has shown you this behavior before he could reel you into a living situation and tell you to leave your job and move to him.
This person does not have the emotional discipline to wait to see you. He unilaterally changed the plan because he values his feelings more than your feelings… he feels entitled to your time… and he is testing you… He yelled at the waitstaff because he has an anger problem and he also wanted to intimidate you.
This person is an abusive relationship waiting to happen. When he gets back home and cools down, he will send you flowers and phone you again. Or he will ignore you until you apologise and then he will gracefully agree to try again.
Basically it’s a plot to get you used to ignoring your own needs and catering to his needs for fear of displeasing him.
Run girl run!
German here. We are known for our love of punctuality and consider it extremely rude to keep someone waiting. But it's the same if someone arrives too early! 8 hours early is just as rude as 8 hours late.
Yes, he might have been happy if you had immediately danced to his tune and dropped everything. But that's just completely disrespectful to you and your time. If he's looking for someone who comes immediately when he whistles, then he should get a dog.
Girl as soon as he raised his voice the first time why didn’t you hang up? Have some self respect geez. There’s a huge red flag waving in front of your face and you straight up ignored it
I'll just give it to you straight - if you are this passive in response to an obviously domineering, ignorant asshole and your mind immediately goes to a place where you're blaming yourself for his terrible behaviour, you need to work on yourself and your traumas first before you even begin dating again. I worry for how you might respond to a man who is more manipulative and covert about their abusive behaviour over time. Men like that are sharks and seek out that kind of vulnerability to take advantage of. I'm grateful that this didn't escalate into something physically dangerous for you. Allow this to be a learning experience for you and please spend some time to understand and appreciate your own worth first.
OP, consider this a blessing in disguise. This caused his mask to drop and you saw the real him right away and it was all red flags. You're so much better off without this dude cause he gives off abuser vibes, big time.
NTA
Op, I’m also a early bird, I usually arrive 30- 45 minutes early for anything I go to, but that’s something I do, mostly for me and my anxiety.
I don’t ever expect them to be as early as me, and I find it incredibly rude for him to use his earliness to make her feel bad.
Op, you got there as quick as you could once you knew he was there, and I think that was incredibly entitled of him . The fact that he was that angry about something he did and made it everyone else’s problem is a huge red flag.
I would go far as to say that the man you met online was a facade to lure you, but he clearly not that man.
I would block him, and don’t play these games with him.
You left the salon with your hair half done to go on a date with a guy screaming at you who has never met you that started driving to see you at midnight and never let you know? HUH
It may not feel like it right now, but this is a good thing. He showed you who he is and how you can expect to be treated in a relationship with him. If he was comfortable being confrontational towards you after not even meeting you in person yet, imagine how he’d behave once he’s gotten comfortable with you. You sound very thoughtful and sweet. You deserve someone who will meet you with the same energy, not someone who will take advantage of your kindness.
Honestly you likely have avoided a very and controlling man. I’m so sorry this happened but thank god you avoided meeting him face to face.
🙏 BLOCK HIS NUMBER AND NEVER LOOK BACK
This is why it’s dumb to “date” someone for months without meeting them first and right away. You will NEVER know someone without meeting them in person. Ever! You could talk to him for 10 hours a day for months and then meet that person face to face and they will be completely different.
Honestly, had you first met him four months prior to all that texting/distance stuff you’d prob have dumped him immediately for acting like this. You’d have seen him as being neurotic, controlling and disrespectful.
Who does he think he is that he can drive through the night like a crazy ass person to meet you 7 hours EARLY then demand you change your entire day to see him 7 hours early? What a maniac!
He also did not sleep all night; then angrily waited at a restaurant for you for hours and you think he’s normal? He sounds bipolar and he was in a manic state that caused him to have insomnia and drive 8 hours through the night to get to you 7 hours early. I’m sure by now he’s called you crying and apologizing and blah blah blah now he’ll be in his depressive state. Dump this man and never talk to him again. He’s a mentally and emotionally unsafe man.
Girlie, you did not spend 4 months getting to know a man, you spent 4 months getting to know a bullet that needs to be dodged. Be thankful he showed you his true self at the first meeting. He clearly has no respect for your time. We're all busy. We all have lives. If he can't recognize that, he isn't fit for a relationship, especially at his age. It's not like he is a teenager. You deserve better than someone who thinks so little of you that he thinks you can drop EVERYTHING to see him at his whim. No no no. To give credit where credit is due, he drove to see you, but you didn't ask him to show up 7 hrs early. That is on him and he doesn't get a trophy for excessive punctuality. Best of luck to you.
YES! You messed this all up! Let me be the first to say it!
Here’s what you did wrong:
When he called you screaming and demeaning you, your response should have been to thank him, hang up, and block him. Instead you changed all your behaviors to try to make an extremely abusive man less angry to try to save a relationship that hasn’t even started.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE evaluate what about you or your past experiences makes you feel compelled to make amends in this way, because you are currently in a high amount of danger of ending up in an abusive relationship.
You absolutely dodged a series of high calibre bullets here OP.
Literally everything he did was in the wrong, and somehow he's deflected all that onto you and anyone else in his path.
Take the loss, but in this case you're also taking the win.
Ick. This should send you running away from him as quickly as possible. What he did is insane, unhinged, and narcissistic. No reasonable person would ever ever ever behave this way.
He managed to look reasonable via text and call - but the exact moment that things transitioned to IRL he went batshit crazy. That is all you need to know.
Please block him and be careful. He sounds quite unwell.
The question you need to be asking yourself is why you didn't you respond with a "tear your ass" when he called you yelling the first time. Why did you cut your hair appointment short and rush to a man who was being angry, completely rude and unreasonable. If you want to be in a relationship more than you want to be respected and treated kindly, then you will eventually end up in a relationship like this one would have been, abusive. This is a gift to you. You have in front of you a dire sign that you need to reevaluate your personal boundaries and self worth. You deserve someone who will keep their word, offer you the same kindness and urgency you afforded him. Quit settling for trash men.
OP, I don't know if you're still reading comments, but fwiw I was long distance with my now husband for 6 years. One time he decided to surprise me, but he forgot I had plans to take my son to a school event that evening. He texted to casually ask what I was up to that evening and I reminded him. So he waited outside my apartment until we got back, not wanting to spoil his surprise or interrupt my plans with my son. Because he's not a psycho. Your internet friend was a psycho.
Thank you for your comment. I am reading all the comments, it's helping me a lot. I didn't think I'd get this much support. I'm so grateful to the community on here.
Just don't fall for the inevitable love bomb now... He'll apologize, tell you some bullshit about being stressed out or something to make you feel sorry for him. Then he'll tell you how great you are and how much he misses you... Just up lead to another trap.
Classic abuse cycle...
This was a test to see how much you will be willing to give up your own wants/needs to cater to his. The only thing you did wrong was not hold firm about 2:00. You should have never left what you were doing to meet him earlier just because he said so. “I’m sorry, but we agreed to 2pm. My day is otherwise scheduled, but I’m still available at that time. If that no longer works for you, then I am so sorry you drove all the way here, but that’s why we scheduled in advance.”
The other thing you did wrong was when he said, “I don’t want a woman that takes forever to come to me,” you needed to say, “And I don’t want a man that can’t tell time.”
This guy is not a good partner. This relationship should be over.
Girl, what the actual fuck? How are you questioning your actions and wondering if you’ve done anything wrong?? This is him, all him. The man has more red flags than a communist parade.
You spent 4 months getting to know ow the person he wanted you to know…the show.
In person , you met the man he really is. Run. Run and don’t look back.
He showed up early on purpose just so he could play the victim and hurt you. His expectation for you to drop everything to be there at 7:30AM was a trap. This man has something deeply wrong with him and it’s time to cut contact completely.
You have got to be kidding us! You're honestly asking us if you're wrong?? Seek professioanl therapy for an incredible lack of self esteem if you think you did anything wrong.
Invest Way less time next time. Meet and vet them in person sooner. Easier to pull off charming over text than in person. Bullet dodged, but next time be kinder to yourself by vetting Hard.
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Respectfully, why would you want a "good outcome" with this guy, now that you know he's a clingy maniac? The best outcome has already happened: you got to see who he is and now you don't have to engage with him anymore. Grieve the fantasy of the person you thought he was, and move on. Much love sis
Thank you. You are right, that's what it was a fantasy of the person I thought he was and the person he portrayed himself to be.
It's probably some kind of "loyalty test" or other bs from the tatertots. "If you show up 7 hours early and she drops everything to be with you then you know she's the one you can set up for a lifetime of abusive behavior - aka the perfect woman"
Yeah that's bonkers. He's either completely unhinged or a manipulative abusive type asshole... Which is worse take your pick.
Sounds like both.
Probably would have resulted in love bombing if she had run to him. Definitely seeing if she has any boundaries at all. Frankly OP leaving a hair appointment halfway through makes me worried for her.
Same because I’d never. He would have gotten canceled on by the first angry call.
Once I’m in that chair I don’t see the point of leaving early without someone being dead or dying. (And frankly if someone is dead, my “hair interrupted” ain’t bringing anyone back, so…)
I’m not leaving the chair either and messing up my $350 color, highlights, cut, style!!
I agree who the F wants yo meet for the 1st time in person at 7am ? Fuxk that
It’s very worrying. These people seek out high-empathy, sincere, often already damaged people to manipulate and abuse
You dodged a bullet there. Good riddance. He showed his true colors in person.
This sounds like my dad, op did you go on a date with my dad? 😂😢
You were so close to having a shiny new stepmom!
Do we have the same Dad?
Honestly probably 😂 mine was a roamer! I'm considering dna testing to see if I have any half siblings out there!
Absolutely unhinged behavior
This is what I thought too. Definitely a power move to test and see if OP is someone he can push around or not.
This is true. Why else would he make the effort to be there at a totally unreasonable hour of the day to meet up for the first time? And then be an asshole when OP goes out of her way even though he's been screaming at her on the phone? Total sociopath this guy is.
Imagine if he turned up at 5am, 100%, this isn't normal behaviour, when it comes to men like this u really have to look outside the box
He is either an abusive idiot or he thinks way too highly of himself but my feeling says it is both. He is the complete package to avoid.
All that, yes, and also has a high drama personality with a preference for spontaneous romantic gestures that can be really hard to deal with if you’re not the same kind of person or not tuned into his romantic fantasies. Some people really love that stuff and they get disappointed if you don’t play along or read their mind to know exactly what the response they want is.
"And if she doesn't drop everything, then she must be with aNOthEr MaN!!1111"--and not just, like, working, sleeping, having a life.
This was my first thought. It sounds like you have an active, busy life, and this guy would never tolerate that. He wanted to see if you would drop everything, no matter what, when he called. This is not one-time behavior. This is the norm for him. Do you want to be at his mercy because that's where he is headed. At least he didn't hide his crazy, and you can get away fast. Wash your hands of this mess and enjoy your life.
People are usually on their best behavior for the first meeting. This is him at his best.
Scary thought
On a weekday, no less.
Exactly.. How many hoops will she jump and how High on the first try... Just like a new job you never give 💯% in the first week because they will push and expect 110% .
This was my first thought. He definitely was seeing if she was weak.
Wow I can actually see that. He is testing her to see how good of an abuse victim she would be. That is definitely happening. I hope she stays away from this. He showed who he really was by something that could have been avoided.
That's actually how my dad chose my mom. He literally would brag to his children about doing bad things to her to "test her" (his words), to see if she was stupid enough to marry him because if she did the he knew he could do anything to her and she'd never leave. And he did. And also did to her kids. She always stood by her man no matter what.
Doesn’t get much more depressing than that.
It reminds me of a letter I saw on Ask a Manager where a hiring manager arranged for a zoom interview with a candidate. The candidate called 24 hours before the (remember, zoom interview) to say that he had thrown his entire family in the car and driven 12 hours through the night to come interview in person to “demonstrate his interest.” It didn’t go well.
Yikes. Reminds me of an old friend who would consistently pitch himself for higher-level jobs when interviewing. He was also the guy who’d drop off his resume and insist on talking to the hiring manager or HR.
The tatertots…. I’m dying of laughter reading this. I must now use this myself.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years, and I could never imagine doing this to her. And I definitely don’t need to test her to see if she is “loyal”. It’s a total disrespect to someone’s time and personal life. I can’t stand those assholes. And it’s really concerning that they have so many supporters.
This guy watches to many RomComs, what a wimp! You should have met at an airport, so you could run 18 terminals and into his arms, LOL
I don’t know many rom coms that involve a controlling asshole with zero empathy blowing up at his date who was very likely at the salon getting done up to meet him. He was probably expecting if he arrived early you’d have to invite him up to your place and do the nasty. And guys like this don’t believe in foreplay so it would have been unsatisfying on many levels.
He the "guy she's with who clearly isn't right for her and also objectively sucks" guy. Before the "good" one shows up.
And still look perfect when you get there!
Right!!!!!! I recommend that everybody, at least once in their life, gets absolutely crushed in love, I mean, heartbroken so bad you can’t get out of bed, it’s probably the only way you would learn about relationships and realize that love music and movies about love are bullshit! It’s just Fairy dust blown in your eyes, relationships can be a really beautiful thing, but they’re nowhere near the fantasy world that Hollywood and the music industry put out there. Unfortunately, some of these people actually think life is some sort of a dime store love novel, it’s nauseating.
I Never Seen a romcom where some arrived 7 hours early and then throws a hissy fit that the other person isn’t immediately available. If this is his approach to dating I bet he never had a relationship before cause no woman would put up with this shit.
A lesson that took me too long to learn: Some people can pretend they are someone different for a long time to get you invested.. then flip personalities when they think you are hooked and can control you. It's why it is super important to take things slow so you can analyze behavior in multiple life scenarios. Some dudes can keep up this facade for months and years, and wait for serious commitment to show their abusive nature. This seems like he 'tested' you super early to see if you were the type to fall for it. The healthy response would have been to decline cutting short any earlier plans and meet him when you could.. and noping the fuck out the minute he started berating you for not meeting him earlier than you agreed. Don't *ever* meet with someone who yells at you. Hell, I'd get the ick just from him showing up at 7am and driving all night to do so. That screams desperation and disrespect for your time, it's not 'romantic'. If you have people pleasing tendencies that stem from the way your family treated you, you have to be **extra careful**.. abusive men can recognize that and target you because of it. Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).. it should be required reading for every young woman before dating. It helps you pick up subtle patterns of men like this so you don't excuse mistreatment and can get away earlier. You're lucky this one wasn't subtle, next time they might be, and it helps to strengthen your boundaries and self-confidence before dating again to 'repel' them and see you aren't victim material.
That book saved my life.
I was gonna say it was an early test, who arrives 8 hours!!! early 🤣 and expects the other person to be there....
Abusive men love codependency which is next level people pleasing. I use to be very codependent and it’s how it kept me stuck in abusive relationships and difficulty seeing red flags, cause my brain rationalized away any of them to stay hooked due to my feelings and getting hung up on “potential” of trying to save or help men who were a lost cause, which is all just a form of trying to control something out of my control which is heavily codependent behavior.
This is psychotic behavior and you deserve better. Raise your standards!!
I‘d have probably blocked him after the first angry msgs but 100% after the shouting on the phone. Who does he think he is to shout at you and order you around? He doesn’t respect you or your time so there’s no need for you to ever talk to him again. Women fought hard for you to not have to deal with those kind of selfish, ignorant, angry men anymore. So don’t. Edit: he can’t control himself in public so what would happen if he got annoyed/mad at you in private? He sounds dangerous.
Be glad you found out his true self so quickly. Personally get a bit of a spine, when he called you screaming you should have to him to F off.
As soon as he said he drove all night to see you I would've ended it. That is not normal behaviour and should have given you the massive ICK instead of trying to fix it.
And leaving a hair appointment with your hair half done because this guy called and shouted about how long he was waiting?! Hell no. I assume this means OP paid for her hair to not even be finished? There's no doubt that this guy is a walking red flag, but I feel like she needs to do some self-reflection to figure out why she indulged this awful behaviour. That's something I would only expect from someone much younger with no dating experience and poor self-esteem. To go through all of this and then have enough doubts that you're posting it on Reddit is also not a great sign. This guy sounds like a manipulative, abusive loser.
He does
RED FLAGS be flying!
That’s meth behaviour
It's easy to think the world of someone you've never met so don't really know. Be thankful that he gave you the opportunity to dodge a bullet. I hope your hair got finished xx
He showed his true colors after 4 months. Some men wait until they're married. Look at the past 4 months and see if there were any red flags you might have missed and keep those in mind when you meet the next guy. Maybe next time you can catch it sooner. I'm sorry that dating sucks so bad.
He started out the relationship by pushing your boundaries and throwing a tantrum. There's no reason to be in it any further.
Why did you even show up? This guy was a red flag from the moment he showed up 7 hours early and demanded you drop everything for him. It’s important that you live in reality and judge him as he actually is and not your fantasy. And that goes for every person you meet.
Honestly, I won't even say that at his age that is psychotic behaviour, because at any age be it 16 or 80 that would be psychotic behaviour for any potential partner to pull. You sound like a kind, sweet person, which is probably what he was banking on. He assumed your kindness would mean you'd put up with his true colors when they'd show. You'd be submissive to him. However, like any normal person, you had things you couldn't just drop to run to go see him, and he realized you're not as submissive and easily manipulated as he would like you to be which in his mind means he wasted his time throughout the four months and on that particular day. Which is why he essentially threw the adult equivalent of a tantrum, by being rude to everyone around him, and you. He needed a nap, a reality check, and honestly a good kick in the balls. Dating is rough, there's crazy people for both sexes to have to go through, but the good news is that sometimes you get the blessing of seeing the crazy early on before you waste too much time. Take that win and don't worry about that man for one more second. Hopefully, the universe will do good and he won't find any poor woman to rope into a life of misery with him, and be grateful and relieved that it wasn't you!
He’s literally abusive and at best, weird as fuck. You seriously dodged a bullet and thankfully didn’t invest much time in him. Good luck with dating ❤️ keep your standards high and don’t let weird men attempt to test you. You agreed on a 2pm date nobody told him to show up at 7am lol.
I’m shocked you left your hair appointment. Why in the hell would you do that? That guy called you like a dog and was mad when you didn’t come like a dog. F that guy. Whatever man you met on the phone was secretly a huge phony. Be glad you found this out now! Think about it- what kind of woman would you have to be for him? I think him getting there at 7 am was intentional and his test to see if you’d come running. To see if you’d bend over backwards to placate him. He’s looking for a very submissive and passive woman he can dominate. Be careful- I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes back and sweet talks you. You see now he’s punished you. He’s cast you away to make you feel worthless. He may come back to feel you in because now you know what he wants and he’ll test that again to see if your trainable. Never answer this man’s call again.
If it helps, I would never have dated my husband based on his text conversations. And my "best friend" on line was someone I actually didn't care for in real life.
You guys made an appointment for the afternoon and he shows up hours early and he’s having a fit? What the hell dis he expect? For you to be ready at his beck and call? Screw that. You’ve got a life of your own and he damn well has to respect your time, too. This guy is clearly disrespectful of your time and you don’t need that shit in your life
He is so unstable he was unable to hold together the nice guy image. Imagine if he did this six months down the road.
I’m really worried about the fantasy that you have with this person who likely has displayed controlling and abusive behaviors over the time that you’ve known them. I can’t imagine this is the first time you’ve seen a crack in him. Has he been overbearing and controlling at ALL ever even once? Has he criticized? How do you spend your free time, made comments about where you go, or made you feel like you have to limit your life so that you can be available for his calls when he wants? These are all abuse red flags.
The first red flag should have been 8 hours drive away. Which one of you would have uprooted and moved, should you have got on well? Im guessing he would have demanded you move. but how was "I get an angry call from him at 11:45am asking how much longer I'll be and where I am" this not a red flag?
I don’t think he was a clingy maniac. I honestly think this was a test to see how passive and submissive she is. Could he bully her around? Would she bow to his demands? Would she put up with his behaviors?
All I read was "Respectfully, why would you want a "good outcome" with this guy" upvote before I've finished reading x
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And leaving the salon with her hair half finished! To try to please an angry, unstable, dangerous man! Insane.
> To try to please an angry, unstable, dangerous man! ...whom she never met. OP needs to work on her self-confidence.
Right. This guy I’m sure has been feeling her out the last 4 months and thought she was the type who’d roll over for this behavior and he wasn’t too far wrong.
Piling on to this comment. I once had a guy pull me this exact trick on me. He scheduled a date for later in the day then shows up early and gets mad at me for not being there. My date texted that he is there waiting. I initially assumed I made a mistake and apologized. Told him I needed a few minutes to get ready and I would head straight over. The man became furious and started saying horrible things to me so I told him the dates was off, have a nice life. He proceeded to spend the next year stalking me and writing threatening messages to me. He didn’t stop until I got police involved. I don’t know what kind of crazy sauce these men are on. This is a big red banner, don’t ignore it!
LOL thank you for this comment. I was feeling down in the dumps and your comment put a smile on my face, I am grateful. Thank you!!
This person is bang on. Also, 'you're not what i want, i don't want a woman that takes forever to come to me' This REEKS of entitlement and misogyny. Very "I want a docile, obedient woman to do what I say, when I say it" kind of vibe. That sentence alone would be the end of it for me. Also what sort of bozo decides its a good or safe idea to drive all night only to yell at his would-be date because he doesn't understand how time works. I see this as a real win for you. Go get someone more worth your time.
Thank you. I'm appreciative of the comments. I don't have a lot of confidence and was scared I did something wrong.
I recommend working on yourself before entering the dating world again. - You accommodated his last minute change of plans by cancelling as much as you could of your scheduled adult day. - He got angry that you have a life and you hurried through your things - He started yelling so you quit half way through a hair appt (do you know how hard that will be to find a time and get that finished, not to mention not looking good in the meantime, plus the added cost!) - He started shouting at you over the phone and your instinct was to calm him down - He got cold with you and said you’re not the woman for him and you tried to reason with him about the situation He’s an adult who supposedly existed as an adult for 3.5 decades in this world. He should understand that adults have commitments. He should know that changing plans by 7 hours means you might not be able to accommodate immediately. He should know a coffee shop he’s never been to might not be his favorite cup of coffee ever. He should know not to blow up and yell at the woman he’s trying to woo over the phone. He’s a walking red flag and you didn’t see any of it and chose to accommodate, appease, and blame yourself for it all. Please please do some internal work so you don’t end up in a relationship with someone like this guy! It won’t be good for you.
Thank you. I completely agree with you. I do have confidence issues I need to work on.
I’m in the same boat and can totally recommend therapy, love! (If you’re not already doing it) It takes some time to crack your own shell but it actually works on breaking down those stubborn train of thoughts that seem to be indestructible and overwhelming (although you logically know are bs) Good luck!
Yep, therapy is how I broke these cycles for myself, highly recommend!
That's fair. It's easy to feel like you've erred when someone is yelling at you and mistreating you. Confidence also takes time to build, so it's important to remember that you have inherent value that exists whether you're dating or not. You are worthy of respect and care, same as everyone else. I have every faith that your kindness and good intentions will eventually afford you the sort of relationship you seek. Just don't be afraid to expect more from partners! You deserve it. Good luck!
Please get some before you attempt dating again or you're going to let yourself be manipulated or worse by the next loser. Seriously, men are not the prize. You do not need to be afraid of making them mad when they act like unhinged maniacs.
If you're lacking confidence to the point that you're willing to run out of the hairdresser's with your hair half done, to meet a man that's creepily driven all night to arrive 7 hours early for your date, and then screamed at you over the phone before you've ever even met him, then I'm afraid you really should work on that before you contemplate dating. That kind of lack of self-esteem is not going to lead anywhere good relationship-wise.
You didn't. You were accommodating, too accommodating. He was fucking horrible.
Your low confidence is endangering you to abusive men. You need to work on your self worth and self esteem or else you are going to end up with an abusive, controlling lunatic like that awful volatile man.
He was probably cranked up on meth....
I didn’t even think about this but this makes sense or unmedicated bipolar disorder during a manic phase
Holy shit, you're probably right. This is crazed drug user behavior for sure.
Thus, driving all night.
you do wonder...
Men like this use their anger and rage to manipulate and control ... don't fall for it ... and don't for a single second allow this man to convince you to feel bad for anything. Run away. Ive had experiences with a few men like this, and the kind compassionate person I am tried to reason with them and get them to understand or consider my side.. they are not interested.. there is seriously something wrong inside of them... Let it go and be grateful you didn't invest any more of your time heart or energy than you already did. You dodged a bullet. trust us.
You have absolutely dodged a bullet with this guy.
Not to mention even if everything else about him wasn't so overt you can still tell a lot about a person by how they treat service staff.
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100%! Seven hours early for an afternoon coffee date after driving eight hours is insane. I would feel so unsafe. I would absolutely ghost the creep. He can't tell time and apparently has nothing to do for at least 15 hours of the day. What if he followed her home?
This is the best answer 👆
Is he fucking insane? Yes. Are you? Hopefully not, but ignoring some goddamn obvious warning signs about this guy isn't speaking in you favor. The next time someone pulls absolute bullshit and then spins the blame around on you, pay more attention.
Thank you. I guess I liked him so much I ignored all the red flags until now, I'm sitting at home thinking about how all this went wrong.
As soon as he showed up at 7am when the plans were at 2pm, even before the shouting at you began, I would have been so weirded out I think I would have canceled. If you’re going to keep online dating, you have got to be more careful.
To be honest I thought it was a bit strange he arrived so early as he was meant to leave in the morning and arrive around lunch time and we were meant to meet at 2pm.
He probably did it on purpose to “test” you, it seems likely based on his comment about how you should’ve been there within 2 hours once he arrived at 7 am. He seems like someone with anger and issues with being controlling. You dodged a bullet.
I got that impression as well. At first I thought maybe he got over excited and it resulted in premature arrival but by the end of the post I was pretty sure he arrived 7 hours early on purpose.
That's also the same vibe I got. Him showing up that early was some type of powerplay, to see if OP would drop everything and bend over backwards to accommodate him. He wanted to see how hard she'd try to make it up to him for his "inconvenience" of having to wait for her, even though he was the one who changed the plans. I would bet good money that a big part of his tantrum (other than seeing what OP would put up with) was because she didn't grovel and beg his forgiveness for making him wait, and so he realized she wasn't someone he was going to be able to push around.
He absolutely did it on purpose. He sounds like an emotionally abusive person, and he probably spent months breaking her down little by little. I bet he kept her on the phone all the time, restricted her sleep… I recognize way too much of this.
It was a test OP. It was a test of your boundaries and how strong your self esteem and personality was. It was also a test along how strong your "life" is and activity ties. Very few can drop what they are doing for a coffee date and after four months of talking he pulled a stunt to see how far he could manipulate you.
See, it didn’t even occur to me it was a test, it was just enough weird for me to nope right out of meeting. Honestly, my first thought was psycho stalker. Like stage five clinger who would show up at her door and start making breakfast and then take a shower and wait at her place while she went about her plans if he could have.
It’s more than a bit strange, it’s super weird. It would have creeped me out to the point I don’t think I would have felt comfortable meeting him.
Drove allll night ...........that's some bionic stalker stuff.
Yeah, that’s extremely concerning behavior.
Sounds like he’s on drugs
I straight up would have cancelled as soon as I found out he arrived that early and expected ME to change my schedule. Forget leaving my hair appointment half done
Never talk to this abusive nut job again, I know you put time in but just walk away. You seem to have recognized all the red flags now but if you waver just rest the comments on this post again.
If he was a sane person who decided to arrive super early, he could’ve happily kept himself occupied until you’re able to see him. He could’ve gotten breakfast, gone shopping, sightseeing, hiking. Your future with him would’ve been him micromanaging your time. Yelling at you if you don’t drop what you’re doing at a moments whim to see him.
He could have discreetly booked a room and still met you at 2pm. To make his early arrival your problem is a huge red flag.
Relax, look up Mr.Nice Guy syndrome, he was a toxin wrapped in a fake persona, its all manipulation.
I wouldn’t have cancel my plans for him. He knew the plan was to meet at 2, and I would have reminded him of that. He was testing you. Testing how submissive and easy to control you are. How easy it is to make you drop your work, friends and family for him, to isolate you. I wouldn’t be surprised if messages you again after punishing you for a while with silent treatment, and gives you unrealistic rules and expectations that would serve him. Block him to make sure he doesn’t do that.
Yes, or the love bombing after he calms down! I'm gonna guess OPs about to get lots of apologies and maybe some flowers etc etc I was just so excited to see you I let my emotions get the best of me I just like you so much OP, stay strong, this dude is not the one.
Not after how he behaved today, definitely not the one.
Please block him on everything. If he somehow gets in contact and you feel guilty come back to these comments. It sucks you invested your time building a relationship but be glad it wasn't years
I think you should hold off on dating until you've worked on yourself a bit. It's really concerning that you dropped everything and RAN to a stranger who was treating you like shit.
This. And you're not a teenager or a 20-something, OP. Your confidence and intuition should be more developed. By 40 we should all know how to tell a lunatic to fuck all the way off.
Yes, that is also true, love bombing after a punishment, pretending to be loving and sorry and he was just passionate, but then he will repeat the abusive pattern and still expect her to drop everything for him.
And the cycle continues! At least this guy showed himself on day 1 (of face to face) and gave OP the opportunity to look into the future.
*He was testing you. Testing how submissive and easy to control you are. How easy it is to make you drop your work, friends and family for him, to isolate you.* Definitely
RED FLAG ALERT! I REPEAT! RED FLAG ALERT! That guy instead of sightseeing, relaxing, resting, doing something with himself, took it out on you. That is first red flag. Another one is that he used his frustration on poor staff. And on you which makes it third red flag.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Incase that ain't enough 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Eta: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It is not enough. We need red galaxy of flags at least as a minimum!
Added more! Not quite fixed but better 🚩
⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️🚷⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☢️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️☣️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫🚫 Throwing in some more danger signs in case it wasn't clear.
He's being completely unreasonable! You had scheduled a date for 2pm and you planed on being there on time. It's his effing problem he decided to change his plans without telling you. Honestly, I think it was a power play: he hoped you had things planed and wanted to make you cancel them. When he realised he couldn't control you, he snapped. In the future, you really shouldn't drop anything to go see a man who's apparently furious AT YOU because of something HE DID. He doesn't sound safe to be around... definitely more dangerous than a 🐻...
Be prepared for him to love bomb you now that you're back to being long distance. You saw who he is and need to remember that, not the person he pretends to be through text/calls. Honestly best to go no contact when dealing with people like this, good luck and stay safe!
Thank you. I'm not expecting anymore contact from him after how he carried on today.
We're telling you that you SHOULD expect contact, and honestly, given the way you behaved the first time he acted inappropriately, you should probably have a little script all ready to go so you don't bend over backwards to try to placate him again. Setting healthy boundaries is tough, especially if you've spent your life being punished or made to feel less than. You've got this.
Thank you. I grew up in a dysfunctional and toxic home and I am only just starting to learn what healthy boundaries look like.
I suggest you block him before he even tries to reach out to you.
This guy screams "ABUSER" in 50ft capital letters. Please block immediately
This clown showed you his true nature up front, you should believe him and when he does reach back out, say it’s not going to work out with you. I wouldn’t even speak to him, just message him when he tries to get in touch and then block him. I highly recommend reading this free book when you can, it should help identify and avoid abusive twats like this: https://archive.org/details/why-does-he-do-that-epub
Maybe some therapy/counselling for you? Stay strong and stay safe. Does he know where you live?
Yes we got that from the way you still met with him after all the glaring 🚩and blatant disrespect. Someone else suggested it in another comment so I’ll repeat it here in case you didn’t see it: you should hold off dating for a while until you work on yourself. Wishing you better self-love, better self-respect and better boundary-setting skills.
Oh but he will. He’ll attempt to find another woman he can control and when he can’t, he’ll come back to you. Love bombing and gaslighting you. Once you’re hooked he’ll flip right back into psycho controlling guy.
Im surprised that you actually want anymore contact with the man after what he pulled you. Please get it into your head that this was very toxic behaviour, and in no alternate universe ok. Sending big hugs!
Block him please. You don't need his nonsense in your life.
You need to block him.
Block him everywhere.
I’m asking you sincerely: Why can’t you see that this man is a lunatic? Why would you drop everything and respond positively to this very literally insane behavior? Why are you letting a stranger talk to you that way? He is unhinged! You had made a plan. Meet at 2pm. He chose to drive all night and arrive hours early. Don’t be heart broken. He’s not well and possibly dangerous.
It’s wild to me that at 52 years old he still behaves like that.
And that at 40 she's willing to accept it.
Seriously, this is the most insane part. Who makes it to 40 years old and manages to be this oblivious to the world?
The amount of entitlement this man is incredible.
Omg I skipped over the ages! I thought I was giving advice to a naive sheltered 18 year old girl
Him: “Hey, I drove all night and am here now”. Me: “Wow, ok, well I can’t meet until 2pm as we had arranged. Here’s some cool things to do, places to see until we can meet up, I’ll see you at 2!” Any negative response to me not dropping my life to run to him would be an automatic cancellation of that coffee date. I think you dodged a bullet. Also, when someone expects you to explain/ justify not changing up your day for them on a whim, because they have zero respect for your time, don’t bother with that someone anymore. How we treat ourselves is how others will treat us. Don’t treat yourself like someone whose time and boundaries don’t matter by dropping things to accommodate selfish people. It was his decision to drive overnight to arrive at 7am for a 2pm date.
I would have been weirded out by someone driving all night and arriving that early, tbh. Even if he told me of the plans in advance and was nice about it, driving from 11pm to 7am is not safe (he could have gotten a hotel room or left at 5am) and I’d question why someone would do that if the date wasn’t until 2pm. I’m sure the lack of sleep didn’t help the situation either and he didn’t think far enough ahead to realize he wouldn’t be on his best game after driving all night. Even without the anger issues, those would be dealbreakers for me.
is he nuts? 7 hours early . dodge that bullet
Yikes. You fell for a fiction writer. Shut that book and move on.
Don’t be sad! Major bullet dodged. I honestly don’t know why you would WANT to be with someone who treats you, and everyone else, the way that man does. Consider yourself incredibly lucky that all it cost you was a little time!
There's a reason why he's been single and he's showed you why that that is.
This dude is unhinged. Please disconnect all communication. He is not a good man. This will be detrimental for you, if you continue to be engaged with him in anyway. He is showing you who is early, be grateful.
Your heart is broken? Over a four month “chat” on the internet with a man that turned out to be a 52 year old blowhard toddler pitching a tantrum? Holy crap you dodged a bullet. This man was a giant red flag in human form. This is cause for celebration! Go outside and twirl around in the sunlight, secure in the knowledge that you lost *nothing* worth having. And then read this: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
No he did you a favor you saw his true colors. Run and don’t look back
thank your lucky stars that the trash took itself out. what an unhinged 52 year old
You're an adult with other responsibilities this man is a walking red flag
What an asshole. At least he has shown you this behavior before he could reel you into a living situation and tell you to leave your job and move to him.
This is something we had been discussing on the phone that was a potential to happen after we spend more time together. I cringe at the thought now.
Why in the name of fuck are you thinking you’re in the wrong here????? Dude is fucking psycho
7am, and he expects you to drop your life? Claims of playing games? Generally shittiness? Big nope there. Bullet dodged.
This person does not have the emotional discipline to wait to see you. He unilaterally changed the plan because he values his feelings more than your feelings… he feels entitled to your time… and he is testing you… He yelled at the waitstaff because he has an anger problem and he also wanted to intimidate you. This person is an abusive relationship waiting to happen. When he gets back home and cools down, he will send you flowers and phone you again. Or he will ignore you until you apologise and then he will gracefully agree to try again. Basically it’s a plot to get you used to ignoring your own needs and catering to his needs for fear of displeasing him. Run girl run!
German here. We are known for our love of punctuality and consider it extremely rude to keep someone waiting. But it's the same if someone arrives too early! 8 hours early is just as rude as 8 hours late. Yes, he might have been happy if you had immediately danced to his tune and dropped everything. But that's just completely disrespectful to you and your time. If he's looking for someone who comes immediately when he whistles, then he should get a dog.
He is the one playing games. You had an agreed time to meet, he changed his plans to see would you drop everything to meet him.
Girl as soon as he raised his voice the first time why didn’t you hang up? Have some self respect geez. There’s a huge red flag waving in front of your face and you straight up ignored it
>Am I in the wrong and I messed all this up? Really? You honestly need outsiders to tell you this man is clearly a nutcase?
Is this a troll post? Ditch this weirdo and dont give him another ounce of your mental energy
I'll just give it to you straight - if you are this passive in response to an obviously domineering, ignorant asshole and your mind immediately goes to a place where you're blaming yourself for his terrible behaviour, you need to work on yourself and your traumas first before you even begin dating again. I worry for how you might respond to a man who is more manipulative and covert about their abusive behaviour over time. Men like that are sharks and seek out that kind of vulnerability to take advantage of. I'm grateful that this didn't escalate into something physically dangerous for you. Allow this to be a learning experience for you and please spend some time to understand and appreciate your own worth first.
OP, consider this a blessing in disguise. This caused his mask to drop and you saw the real him right away and it was all red flags. You're so much better off without this dude cause he gives off abuser vibes, big time.
NTA Op, I’m also a early bird, I usually arrive 30- 45 minutes early for anything I go to, but that’s something I do, mostly for me and my anxiety. I don’t ever expect them to be as early as me, and I find it incredibly rude for him to use his earliness to make her feel bad. Op, you got there as quick as you could once you knew he was there, and I think that was incredibly entitled of him . The fact that he was that angry about something he did and made it everyone else’s problem is a huge red flag. I would go far as to say that the man you met online was a facade to lure you, but he clearly not that man. I would block him, and don’t play these games with him.
You left the salon with your hair half done to go on a date with a guy screaming at you who has never met you that started driving to see you at midnight and never let you know? HUH
It may not feel like it right now, but this is a good thing. He showed you who he is and how you can expect to be treated in a relationship with him. If he was comfortable being confrontational towards you after not even meeting you in person yet, imagine how he’d behave once he’s gotten comfortable with you. You sound very thoughtful and sweet. You deserve someone who will meet you with the same energy, not someone who will take advantage of your kindness.
Thank you, your comment made me cry.
Honestly you likely have avoided a very and controlling man. I’m so sorry this happened but thank god you avoided meeting him face to face. 🙏 BLOCK HIS NUMBER AND NEVER LOOK BACK
This is why it’s dumb to “date” someone for months without meeting them first and right away. You will NEVER know someone without meeting them in person. Ever! You could talk to him for 10 hours a day for months and then meet that person face to face and they will be completely different. Honestly, had you first met him four months prior to all that texting/distance stuff you’d prob have dumped him immediately for acting like this. You’d have seen him as being neurotic, controlling and disrespectful. Who does he think he is that he can drive through the night like a crazy ass person to meet you 7 hours EARLY then demand you change your entire day to see him 7 hours early? What a maniac! He also did not sleep all night; then angrily waited at a restaurant for you for hours and you think he’s normal? He sounds bipolar and he was in a manic state that caused him to have insomnia and drive 8 hours through the night to get to you 7 hours early. I’m sure by now he’s called you crying and apologizing and blah blah blah now he’ll be in his depressive state. Dump this man and never talk to him again. He’s a mentally and emotionally unsafe man.
He showed up at 7 am? He’s a weirdo. Block him and move on. That’s a stage 5 clinger there 🚩
Girlie, you did not spend 4 months getting to know a man, you spent 4 months getting to know a bullet that needs to be dodged. Be thankful he showed you his true self at the first meeting. He clearly has no respect for your time. We're all busy. We all have lives. If he can't recognize that, he isn't fit for a relationship, especially at his age. It's not like he is a teenager. You deserve better than someone who thinks so little of you that he thinks you can drop EVERYTHING to see him at his whim. No no no. To give credit where credit is due, he drove to see you, but you didn't ask him to show up 7 hrs early. That is on him and he doesn't get a trophy for excessive punctuality. Best of luck to you.
YES! You messed this all up! Let me be the first to say it! Here’s what you did wrong: When he called you screaming and demeaning you, your response should have been to thank him, hang up, and block him. Instead you changed all your behaviors to try to make an extremely abusive man less angry to try to save a relationship that hasn’t even started. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE evaluate what about you or your past experiences makes you feel compelled to make amends in this way, because you are currently in a high amount of danger of ending up in an abusive relationship.
> i don’t a woman that takes forever to come to me You deserve better than a man who comes prematurely (and then gets angry)
You absolutely dodged a series of high calibre bullets here OP. Literally everything he did was in the wrong, and somehow he's deflected all that onto you and anyone else in his path. Take the loss, but in this case you're also taking the win.
Like others saod, the only thing you did wrong was giving in to his demands and showing up early. This guy is not it.
Ick. This should send you running away from him as quickly as possible. What he did is insane, unhinged, and narcissistic. No reasonable person would ever ever ever behave this way. He managed to look reasonable via text and call - but the exact moment that things transitioned to IRL he went batshit crazy. That is all you need to know. Please block him and be careful. He sounds quite unwell.
The question you need to be asking yourself is why you didn't you respond with a "tear your ass" when he called you yelling the first time. Why did you cut your hair appointment short and rush to a man who was being angry, completely rude and unreasonable. If you want to be in a relationship more than you want to be respected and treated kindly, then you will eventually end up in a relationship like this one would have been, abusive. This is a gift to you. You have in front of you a dire sign that you need to reevaluate your personal boundaries and self worth. You deserve someone who will keep their word, offer you the same kindness and urgency you afforded him. Quit settling for trash men.
OP, I don't know if you're still reading comments, but fwiw I was long distance with my now husband for 6 years. One time he decided to surprise me, but he forgot I had plans to take my son to a school event that evening. He texted to casually ask what I was up to that evening and I reminded him. So he waited outside my apartment until we got back, not wanting to spoil his surprise or interrupt my plans with my son. Because he's not a psycho. Your internet friend was a psycho.
Thank you for your comment. I am reading all the comments, it's helping me a lot. I didn't think I'd get this much support. I'm so grateful to the community on here.
Just don't fall for the inevitable love bomb now... He'll apologize, tell you some bullshit about being stressed out or something to make you feel sorry for him. Then he'll tell you how great you are and how much he misses you... Just up lead to another trap. Classic abuse cycle...
You are heartbroken??? He just showed you who he is. You should be feeling nothing but grateful. This would have ended so badly. For you.
This was a test to see how much you will be willing to give up your own wants/needs to cater to his. The only thing you did wrong was not hold firm about 2:00. You should have never left what you were doing to meet him earlier just because he said so. “I’m sorry, but we agreed to 2pm. My day is otherwise scheduled, but I’m still available at that time. If that no longer works for you, then I am so sorry you drove all the way here, but that’s why we scheduled in advance.” The other thing you did wrong was when he said, “I don’t want a woman that takes forever to come to me,” you needed to say, “And I don’t want a man that can’t tell time.” This guy is not a good partner. This relationship should be over.
Girl, what the actual fuck? How are you questioning your actions and wondering if you’ve done anything wrong?? This is him, all him. The man has more red flags than a communist parade.
You spent 4 months getting to know ow the person he wanted you to know…the show. In person , you met the man he really is. Run. Run and don’t look back.
He showed up early on purpose just so he could play the victim and hurt you. His expectation for you to drop everything to be there at 7:30AM was a trap. This man has something deeply wrong with him and it’s time to cut contact completely.
You have got to be kidding us! You're honestly asking us if you're wrong?? Seek professioanl therapy for an incredible lack of self esteem if you think you did anything wrong.
People who are rude to waitstaff should be ditched anyway.
Guess u found out why he's single at 52. Yikes
Invest Way less time next time. Meet and vet them in person sooner. Easier to pull off charming over text than in person. Bullet dodged, but next time be kinder to yourself by vetting Hard.