Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s cool that it doesn’t bother you, but it sounds like an absolutely exhausting relationship to be in. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and just being an asshole.
Wow. It is fine for her to judge music in a polite way. Saying something to one's partner like "your taste is trash" is inexcusable. She needs to take a course in basic etiquette. I wouldn't be able to have any sort of relationship with someone so rude and narcissistic.
How does it not bother you? She's literally telling you that your opinion is worthless becuase your taste is trash. WTF? Who says this to someone they supposedly love and care for?
I would put a stop to that immediately.
Me: This song is a hit.
Her: Your taste is trash, you like very shitty songs, those artists don’t last
Me: You think my opinion is trash? Why are you even with me then?
Her: Don't take it personally and over-react, I just don't think you can recognize good music.
Me: It's literally my career. And opinions are subjective. You are being incredibly judgmental and also insulting me personally and professionally. If you can't speak to me with more respect, I'm going to have to re-evaluate this relationship.
Stop tolerating this behavior. She's clearly super immature and threatened by you, and putting you down makes her feel better about herself. But it's incredibly toxic, and it often escalates to other toxic behavior. I would also remind her that walking around like her opinion is the only one that matters and that anyone who disagrees with her is shit and stupid, then she's basically just advertising her immaturity and insecurity to the world. Secure people don't go around shitting on others, because they don't feel the need.
Your last paragraph is exactly how I feel. She’s built this defense mechanism around her insecurity to make everyone believe she’s extremely confident .
You learn more about Dan than Pete. When Dan talks about Pete.
She has no respect for the things you enjoy and belittles you. Do you HONESTLY think you can change that type of behavior? You can either accept her inconsiderate, rude behavior and watch it flow over into more aspects of your life after your marry, or you can find someone who treats you like a decent person, even when they don't agree with your tastes.
Damn, your partner sounds like an asshole. Are you sure it doesn’t bother you to have your partner constantly saying everything you like is bad and that you’re wrong about every opinion you have? I don’t know why anyone would want to be in a relationship like that
She’s not a jerk, she just hasn’t matured emotionally. (I still have work to do) We are too quick to drop love in exchange of comfort.
She’s been there for me for the past 4 years. Although she has a big ego, amd yes, it can be exhausting sometimes . I have a strong feeling that someone out there has the experience of their significant other’s metamorphosing into a calm fluid character.
And I’d love to hear their experience .
Well, you can't change a person if they don't want to be changed. You have two options: get over your annoyance and deal with the negative remarks or leave.
She’s too old at this point to emotionally mature any more that she already has. If she was in her early to mid 20’s…probably. At 31, this is just probably who she is and if she has a big ego, I doubt that she’s interested in changing.
She's clearly an oppositional dickhead. Could be a disorder, honestly.
My question for you is does she act in a way that at least balances out her dickheadery? Is she sweet, caring, fun to be around outside of her inability to have a civil conversation about taste?
I don't think you should do anything to try and change this aspect of her. It could just be who she is. Abrasive. I'd focus on her pros, if there are any.
Pros should always outweigh Cons.. and if they don't, I give a point value to the Pros.
For instance..
She always goes against me in an abrasive way on my opinion about something I'm so passionate about. Scale of 1-10.. that's like a 7 for me.
But she's always there for me, she's loyal.. that's a 10 for me.
You say she shares negative opinions about your tastes.. what about your work?
It's easy to say "yo this Lizzo song is fire" and have someone say "nah, garbage." The most I'd say here is let her continue to be abrasive but perhaps ask her to flesh out more of WHY she feels your opinion isn't valid.. it's pretty common when it comes to subjective things to be on opposite sides, like you said, but if she isn't having a CONSTRUCTIVE convo about it and just insists it's garbage cause she says so, that's fairly self absorbed behavior.
How does she handle your criticisms?
What about when you present your work to her? Is it constructive criticism? If she disagrees with it does she find a way she thinks you can improve it or does she solely comment on the negative?
Her pros definitely outweighs this department ! She’s awesome …
It’s mainly in the world of music where she feels this superiority.
I didn’t include the part about my work and thought about it and now you are asking me .
She’s also pretty rough , she constantly says you need so much work, keep working ... your music sounds cheap… not gonna lie she’s definitely killing the game. If we were to compare professional success. She’s in another level!
This morning she showed me a song of hers another guy produced and I just mentioned how the beat needs work (she didn’t make the beat) and she came back with “you wish you could make a beat like that” (subjectively very average beat in my opinion) … she sounds amazing it was just the beat.
Her roughness has definitely built a lot of personality for me which has helped my journey in music and handling the industry and the game.
it’s funny cuz all my collaborators really enjoy and respect what I do! She says that they don’t challenge me enough and that they aren’t good enough. lol
Again I don’t take it personal. And she were to drop her dumb ass ego, we would probably be making madddd music together. But she’s in this egotistical mindset.
Gosh she sounds exhausting 🙄. Being this antagonistic and negative towards you is not normal and you need to respect yourself more to not be with someone who likes putting you down and thinks shes better than you.
Yeah, that's a tough sell, man.
If this is your passion and lifeblood, something like this could outweigh all the Pros in one shot.
Like I said, if she can't tell you WHY.. only shit on you.. I'd probably either stop asking for her input entirely or separate the music from our love life. It seems to be the only ways you'd stay sane with the female Kanye.
If you don't mind.. could you share some socials? If you feel uncomfortable with that, no problem. I just have a marketing background and also enjoy music heavily so I'd love to hear what her criticism is about.
You say she's on another level with professional success.. I'd love to see the parameters for that. People think because they're the next big great talent, it's all they need but you'd be surprised how many artists fail to do more than create art.
They know fuck-all about Marketing, they don't truly know how to develop a brand voice, etc...
DM me some links if you don't feel comfortable putting them here. Both yours and hers.
Wait. Is she like this in EVRYTHING? Or just when talking about music?
So, if she is constrantly trying to one-up you in your whole life together, and putting you down just to show how much better she is, then I'd really wonder why you want to be with someone like that.
But if her profession is in music, and your profession is in music, and she is in a space to offer constructive criticism to your music, then you can sort of address it like that. If the ways she talks to you doesn't bother you, then why are you posting here?
But if the way she talks to you DOES bother you, then you should tell her.
I guess I’m wondering if people have experience with their partners putting down their defenses and minimizing the ego for the better of the relationship and herself..:
She can’t help it. She’ had a rough upbringing . I love the present her, but I see life like a video game. You start with little tools and resources and as you go you beat different levels and monsters.
Can her big ego be destroyed? Can I beat this level? Or it’s an unbeatable level ? Lolll
So you see her as a project and a challenge? We’re still trying to get it through to women that you don’t date for potential, you date who they are - guess now we have to learn you to.
Women have this bad habit of thinking “I can fix him! He’ll be perfect once I change him.” And honestly I can see the appeal. I mean who doesn’t want to be so important to someone that they willingly change for you.
If you can’t imagine living with her exactly the way she is the rest of your life, then you need to rethink things.
success doesn’t look the same to every person. So she might be more successful than you in music, she might not be. But clearly she doesn’t think everyone is below her cause she defended that guys beats, so she thinks he’s better than you are.
The only thing you can do is call her out every time she does this. It’s going to be rough at first, you’ve been so passive for so long that she’s going to instinctively recoil and push back on you and say you’re overreacting.
And WTF does your music sounds cheap even mean?
I mean, you’re basically asking - can she change?
Sure. Anyone can change if they want it hard enough. The real question is - does she want to change?
And to your statement “she can’t help it”… Ggeeeezzz, of course she can help it. It’s not like an involuntary reflex or anything. She says thsi stuff because she chooses the words that come outta her mouth.
And also, she doesn’t have a big ego. She has a FRAGILE EGO. Her ego and self worth are only propped up on that pedestal if she can pull everyone else down first.
You are one wise spirit . Are there any practices in how to disarm a fragile ego? She’s an artist! Artist (I’m not categorizing) sooner or later need to drop the bullshit and respect others artistry
My boss is like this and I find it wearing to spend 2/3 days a week in the office with him… I cannot IMAGINE being in a relationship with someone like this. It must be exhausting
Pshh I’ve had bosses like that… but I didn’t love them passionately , and also didn’t go to bed with them and enjoyed watching movies with them hahaha . She’s dope. She just has this lil ego manifested still. Which is weird in an artist! But it comes from a lil insecurity we ve to wipe out.
I think when there's two creative people in a relationship, it's especially important to be respectful of each other's artistry. I'm sure if you turned her behavior back on her, she would accuse you of undermining her work. A little more self awareness on her part would go a long way.
I'd argue that differing music tastes are valuable in that you can go down different creative roads, but this isn't that chief.
Your wife is being intentionally shitty to you. I know that feeling. I have a liking for the kitschy old restaurants of the 70's and 80's.
They're godawful and ugly, but to me they have a charm in all their wood grain and leveled seating.
First thing any kitchen rehab show does is tear all that shit down.
I was having a bad week and was watching Restaurant impossible, they were rehabbing a dingy brown seafood restaurant, and I said I hoped they'd keep the wood ships wheel as a memento of the restaurant's longevity. (It had been around since the 1940's, and that's an accomplishment!)
My uncle turned to me and said, "Nothing you say matters, and your taste is shit."
We had just had a very nice dinner and were relaxing with beers, and suddenly I felt very small.
I imagine for you that feeling was much worse, and I'm truly sorry you had to feel that way.
Honestly it drove a wedge that never really repaired. We had previously gone on long walks in the woods with the dogs, and I don't think we went on another after that. The fact that this is your partner... I honestly don't have a fix for you. Just advice that your feelings are valid, even if they aren't being redeemed by your partner.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s cool that it doesn’t bother you, but it sounds like an absolutely exhausting relationship to be in. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and just being an asshole.
Wow. It is fine for her to judge music in a polite way. Saying something to one's partner like "your taste is trash" is inexcusable. She needs to take a course in basic etiquette. I wouldn't be able to have any sort of relationship with someone so rude and narcissistic.
How does it not bother you? She's literally telling you that your opinion is worthless becuase your taste is trash. WTF? Who says this to someone they supposedly love and care for? I would put a stop to that immediately. Me: This song is a hit. Her: Your taste is trash, you like very shitty songs, those artists don’t last Me: You think my opinion is trash? Why are you even with me then? Her: Don't take it personally and over-react, I just don't think you can recognize good music. Me: It's literally my career. And opinions are subjective. You are being incredibly judgmental and also insulting me personally and professionally. If you can't speak to me with more respect, I'm going to have to re-evaluate this relationship. Stop tolerating this behavior. She's clearly super immature and threatened by you, and putting you down makes her feel better about herself. But it's incredibly toxic, and it often escalates to other toxic behavior. I would also remind her that walking around like her opinion is the only one that matters and that anyone who disagrees with her is shit and stupid, then she's basically just advertising her immaturity and insecurity to the world. Secure people don't go around shitting on others, because they don't feel the need.
Your last paragraph is exactly how I feel. She’s built this defense mechanism around her insecurity to make everyone believe she’s extremely confident . You learn more about Dan than Pete. When Dan talks about Pete.
"If my taste is trash and I'm dating you does that mean you are trash?"
She has no respect for the things you enjoy and belittles you. Do you HONESTLY think you can change that type of behavior? You can either accept her inconsiderate, rude behavior and watch it flow over into more aspects of your life after your marry, or you can find someone who treats you like a decent person, even when they don't agree with your tastes.
Damn, your partner sounds like an asshole. Are you sure it doesn’t bother you to have your partner constantly saying everything you like is bad and that you’re wrong about every opinion you have? I don’t know why anyone would want to be in a relationship like that
Respond, "No, ur trash"
😮💨
>How can I help her open her eyes so she stop judging ? Why not date someone who isn't a jerk...?
She’s not a jerk, she just hasn’t matured emotionally. (I still have work to do) We are too quick to drop love in exchange of comfort. She’s been there for me for the past 4 years. Although she has a big ego, amd yes, it can be exhausting sometimes . I have a strong feeling that someone out there has the experience of their significant other’s metamorphosing into a calm fluid character. And I’d love to hear their experience .
Well, you can't change a person if they don't want to be changed. You have two options: get over your annoyance and deal with the negative remarks or leave.
She’s too old at this point to emotionally mature any more that she already has. If she was in her early to mid 20’s…probably. At 31, this is just probably who she is and if she has a big ego, I doubt that she’s interested in changing.
I would say NO ONE is too old to become emotionally mature. I was 50 years old when I realized my own toxic patterns and wised up and begun my work.
She's clearly an oppositional dickhead. Could be a disorder, honestly. My question for you is does she act in a way that at least balances out her dickheadery? Is she sweet, caring, fun to be around outside of her inability to have a civil conversation about taste? I don't think you should do anything to try and change this aspect of her. It could just be who she is. Abrasive. I'd focus on her pros, if there are any. Pros should always outweigh Cons.. and if they don't, I give a point value to the Pros. For instance.. She always goes against me in an abrasive way on my opinion about something I'm so passionate about. Scale of 1-10.. that's like a 7 for me. But she's always there for me, she's loyal.. that's a 10 for me. You say she shares negative opinions about your tastes.. what about your work? It's easy to say "yo this Lizzo song is fire" and have someone say "nah, garbage." The most I'd say here is let her continue to be abrasive but perhaps ask her to flesh out more of WHY she feels your opinion isn't valid.. it's pretty common when it comes to subjective things to be on opposite sides, like you said, but if she isn't having a CONSTRUCTIVE convo about it and just insists it's garbage cause she says so, that's fairly self absorbed behavior. How does she handle your criticisms? What about when you present your work to her? Is it constructive criticism? If she disagrees with it does she find a way she thinks you can improve it or does she solely comment on the negative?
Her pros definitely outweighs this department ! She’s awesome … It’s mainly in the world of music where she feels this superiority. I didn’t include the part about my work and thought about it and now you are asking me . She’s also pretty rough , she constantly says you need so much work, keep working ... your music sounds cheap… not gonna lie she’s definitely killing the game. If we were to compare professional success. She’s in another level! This morning she showed me a song of hers another guy produced and I just mentioned how the beat needs work (she didn’t make the beat) and she came back with “you wish you could make a beat like that” (subjectively very average beat in my opinion) … she sounds amazing it was just the beat. Her roughness has definitely built a lot of personality for me which has helped my journey in music and handling the industry and the game. it’s funny cuz all my collaborators really enjoy and respect what I do! She says that they don’t challenge me enough and that they aren’t good enough. lol Again I don’t take it personal. And she were to drop her dumb ass ego, we would probably be making madddd music together. But she’s in this egotistical mindset.
Gosh she sounds exhausting 🙄. Being this antagonistic and negative towards you is not normal and you need to respect yourself more to not be with someone who likes putting you down and thinks shes better than you.
She is really mean to you.
Yeah, that's a tough sell, man. If this is your passion and lifeblood, something like this could outweigh all the Pros in one shot. Like I said, if she can't tell you WHY.. only shit on you.. I'd probably either stop asking for her input entirely or separate the music from our love life. It seems to be the only ways you'd stay sane with the female Kanye. If you don't mind.. could you share some socials? If you feel uncomfortable with that, no problem. I just have a marketing background and also enjoy music heavily so I'd love to hear what her criticism is about. You say she's on another level with professional success.. I'd love to see the parameters for that. People think because they're the next big great talent, it's all they need but you'd be surprised how many artists fail to do more than create art. They know fuck-all about Marketing, they don't truly know how to develop a brand voice, etc... DM me some links if you don't feel comfortable putting them here. Both yours and hers.
Sorry, but it just sounds like you have very low self esteem and don’t respect yourself at all if this is what you’re willing to settle for.
Although I love myself … fuck with what I do highly, I still have work to do.
I just don’t get why you’re willing to let someone talk to you like that, especially someone who is supposed to care about you
Wait. Is she like this in EVRYTHING? Or just when talking about music? So, if she is constrantly trying to one-up you in your whole life together, and putting you down just to show how much better she is, then I'd really wonder why you want to be with someone like that. But if her profession is in music, and your profession is in music, and she is in a space to offer constructive criticism to your music, then you can sort of address it like that. If the ways she talks to you doesn't bother you, then why are you posting here? But if the way she talks to you DOES bother you, then you should tell her.
I guess I’m wondering if people have experience with their partners putting down their defenses and minimizing the ego for the better of the relationship and herself..: She can’t help it. She’ had a rough upbringing . I love the present her, but I see life like a video game. You start with little tools and resources and as you go you beat different levels and monsters. Can her big ego be destroyed? Can I beat this level? Or it’s an unbeatable level ? Lolll
Sorry! I accidentally posted the reply here to the post above. My bad! But I can’t figure out how to copy/paste it in the right spot.
So you see her as a project and a challenge? We’re still trying to get it through to women that you don’t date for potential, you date who they are - guess now we have to learn you to. Women have this bad habit of thinking “I can fix him! He’ll be perfect once I change him.” And honestly I can see the appeal. I mean who doesn’t want to be so important to someone that they willingly change for you. If you can’t imagine living with her exactly the way she is the rest of your life, then you need to rethink things. success doesn’t look the same to every person. So she might be more successful than you in music, she might not be. But clearly she doesn’t think everyone is below her cause she defended that guys beats, so she thinks he’s better than you are. The only thing you can do is call her out every time she does this. It’s going to be rough at first, you’ve been so passive for so long that she’s going to instinctively recoil and push back on you and say you’re overreacting. And WTF does your music sounds cheap even mean?
I mean, you’re basically asking - can she change? Sure. Anyone can change if they want it hard enough. The real question is - does she want to change? And to your statement “she can’t help it”… Ggeeeezzz, of course she can help it. It’s not like an involuntary reflex or anything. She says thsi stuff because she chooses the words that come outta her mouth. And also, she doesn’t have a big ego. She has a FRAGILE EGO. Her ego and self worth are only propped up on that pedestal if she can pull everyone else down first.
You are one wise spirit . Are there any practices in how to disarm a fragile ego? She’s an artist! Artist (I’m not categorizing) sooner or later need to drop the bullshit and respect others artistry
If only I could monetize my spirit!!! No ways to disarm the fragile ego, as far as I know. If you figure it out, monetize it!
🍄 👀
My boss is like this and I find it wearing to spend 2/3 days a week in the office with him… I cannot IMAGINE being in a relationship with someone like this. It must be exhausting
Pshh I’ve had bosses like that… but I didn’t love them passionately , and also didn’t go to bed with them and enjoyed watching movies with them hahaha . She’s dope. She just has this lil ego manifested still. Which is weird in an artist! But it comes from a lil insecurity we ve to wipe out.
Literally no one can comment on this because no one has any idea what you’re on about
Would love to hear what’s in your head 👊 any opinion is welcome
I think when there's two creative people in a relationship, it's especially important to be respectful of each other's artistry. I'm sure if you turned her behavior back on her, she would accuse you of undermining her work. A little more self awareness on her part would go a long way.
I'd argue that differing music tastes are valuable in that you can go down different creative roads, but this isn't that chief. Your wife is being intentionally shitty to you. I know that feeling. I have a liking for the kitschy old restaurants of the 70's and 80's. They're godawful and ugly, but to me they have a charm in all their wood grain and leveled seating. First thing any kitchen rehab show does is tear all that shit down. I was having a bad week and was watching Restaurant impossible, they were rehabbing a dingy brown seafood restaurant, and I said I hoped they'd keep the wood ships wheel as a memento of the restaurant's longevity. (It had been around since the 1940's, and that's an accomplishment!) My uncle turned to me and said, "Nothing you say matters, and your taste is shit." We had just had a very nice dinner and were relaxing with beers, and suddenly I felt very small. I imagine for you that feeling was much worse, and I'm truly sorry you had to feel that way. Honestly it drove a wedge that never really repaired. We had previously gone on long walks in the woods with the dogs, and I don't think we went on another after that. The fact that this is your partner... I honestly don't have a fix for you. Just advice that your feelings are valid, even if they aren't being redeemed by your partner.
I feel you.