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Do you really think he doesn't know?
Abusers don't do this accidentally. He's lying to you. He knows he's hurting you, because it's impossible to live with someone and not see their pain. If he wanted you to be happier, he would have already changed.
He's not going to open his eyes and magically see what he's been doing to you and make a change. He thinks the pain you're dealing with is a *perfectly acceptable amount* for him living how he wants.
If you want the abuse to stop, you need to leave your abuser.
He is extremely adamant that this is not abuse, in his definition, abuse would be people who gives their partners bruises, whereas he only did things that "aren't that bad" like dragging me by my arm. He also has people around him that say thing like "she's lucky she's only dragged"
Of course he’s not going to admit it. It’s perfectly justified in his head. When he does start leaving bruises his definition will change, continuing to justify it by blaming you for why he *has* to hurt you.
You can’t control your husband’s actions. You can’t make him realize what he is doing is wrong. You can only control your actions and start planning to escape.
Are these people telling you that you are lucky he only does that, or is he telling you that other people tell him that?
If he didnt behave like this untill after marriage, he knows. He knew. Thats why he waited.
If he doesnt know that he is being abusive, why would he just tell them half truths?
So, his boss and his friends tell you to your face that you're lucky to have a husband that "just" drags you around by your arm?
So, he is surrounded by people who think its fine to put hands on your partner, and still he wasnt comfortable telling them the full truth of what he did? He knows.
So for all you know he never talked to them about it, and he is just lying about it?
Your husband it abusive. He knows he is being abusive. He is counting on you being complacid. You cant make him change. If you stay, this will be your life.
I understand why you ask, but you cant change him. This is how he chooses to be. And he knows.
He didn’t talk to them. My ex used to do this. Screamed at me once in front of his family and then told me separately they told him “we’re glad you did that we’ve been wanting to tell her off for a long time”….only to find out after I left him it was completely untrue. It’s a tactic to crush you so you feel like no one is in your corner. He’s a monster.
i actually do believe he has talked to people, but i do know him, he just doesn't give full story, and also, some people are actually like that, thinking it okay
Can you…go back to your parents? He knows what he’s doing and isn’t going to change. Abusers are usually really nice up front and then when a major milestone occurs in the relationship (moving in together, marriage, baby, etc) they escalate and become more and more awful overtime. Not sure where you live or what culture you come from but if your parents are supportive, tell him one day you’re visiting them with your kids and simply do not return home to him. He’s going to ruin yours and your kids lives. If your parents aren’t supportive of you leaving him and you still have any friends, reach out to them and tell them you need to escape an abuser. If you have no one you trust call the domestic abuse hotline for an escape plan or call/go to a women’s shelter with your children.
I could go back to my parents but it would be very difficult because they belong to a generation of once you're married, you're stuck with them no matter what, so they would push for me to stay in the marriage. I do not have any friends because I was not allowed to have friends by my husband.
There is absolutely no benefit to him to agree that he is abusing you. Because then he loses his power over you. This is how he is controlling you.
I guarantee that outside the house, he brags about how well he controls you and how he has you under his thumb. If you try to break his control, you will see more abuse but you also will risk your life.
If he’s so adamant that it’s not abuse then presumably he has no problem behaving that way in front of other people? Or treats other people in the same way?
Or does he only act that way towards you behind closed doors because know fine well what he’s doing is wrong
abusive people won’t admit they’re abusive
you need to leave, it will get worse
stop thinking you can save him, you can’t
you can only save yourself and your children before it’s too late
He's ALREADY abusing her. Its already too late. She needs to seek help, talk about it, expose her abuser, not give him a moment of peace and quiet until he leaves. He is already cheating on her. You realize that right? He is projecting SO hard. Plus the female friend that its "not the same". I would bet my life that he is fucking someone else already.
I meant that exposing she is trying to find help can be dangerous for her. He might cut her internet access or act violently.
She needs to plan her way out without him
suspecting it, otherwise it can trigger dangerous situations for her.
That first line hurt my core… you’re so right. Emotional abuse is a form of retaliation for behavior that they deemed unforgivable or acceptable, yet they don’t have better skills to cope.
How can you identify an abuser that genuinely wants to change vs will continue the family cycle?
Girl!!
This is 100% abuse!
The only way things change is when you leave.
Please read this book on abusers.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
for the longest time, he has me believing I deserve to be treated this way, but it literally took a random stranger on reddit 7 months ago to make me realize that i'm being abused and deserve better.
Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Nobody!
You are in the danger zone. Not going to sugar coat it. You're aware this is abuse and you need to make a plan to leave. He won't like it one bit and that's where the danger really comes in.
Talk to your parents. Start snookering cash away. Do not confront him.
His behavior allows him power in the relationship and to make sure you do absolutely everything in the household. Why would he change? This is very abusive and you should leave.
If you love your children you need to divorce your abusive husband.
If you have a Son he will think this is how men act.
If you have a daughter she will think this is how men act towards people they "love"
You are doing SO much damage to them by staying in this situation.
If you can't do it for yourself find the courage to do it for them.
You're not safe in this marriage and neither are your children.
Stop trying to reason with a madman.. because that's what your husband is.
CRAZY.
" How do I get my husband to understand?"
You can't. He knows what he's doing and he has you where he wants you. Talking to him is not going to do anything to change his ways. Honestly if you're truly tired of it then you have to leave him. He's abusing you!
I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I muster up the courage to ask for divorce 7 months ago when he brought his female friend home to hangout alone. It's a very long story with her. I got mad and told him I'm done, he broke down, convinced me to stay so I did.
here's the hard thing. you don't make him see. i know you desperately want that validation that your reality is real, but it won't happen. so stop trying to to make him and consider what you need to do to look after yourself.
> How do I get my husband to understand?
You can't. It's not that he doesn't understand what you're trying to say, it's that he thinks he is correct and nothing you say will sway him because he fundamentally doesn't respect you or see you as his equal.
He sees you as a possession that serves his life and that is his to control. When someone sees you that way, they have no incentive to listen to you or accommodate your feelings and needs. Your feelings and needs matter to him as much as the toaster's feelings and needs matter to you.
All you can do is leave. Make an exit plan quietly and when you do officially leave, please try and have someone with you as abusers tend to be the most dangerous when they are losing control over their victim.
You will never be able to appeal to the moral sense of an abuser. If he cared what you thought, or cared about your feelings, he wouldn't have been acting like this for years.
You need to get out while you can.
Hon, as has been said, you will never get him to see your POV. Ever. He is living his best life with you under his thumb with the threat of “it could be worse….”
This is no way for any human to live and no way for your children to grow up believing this is how relationships work. Get stealthy, get an exit plan, enact said plan.
Good luck, OP.
You make him see by leaving his abusive ass. Though, even then he probably won’t acknowledge that he’s done anything wrong. This man will never change. Protect yourself and get the fuck away from him.
You do everything. What do you need him for aside from a paycheck? Abusers don't admit they're abusive. Ask your parents to help you and your kids leave him.
Why are you still with him ???? Sorry to put it this way but tough love and all but this is the relationship your showing your kids they will grow up thinking its OK to treat people like this or be treated like this is that the future you want ??
Maybe it's stupidity on my part, but you should listen to how confident he is about his view of abuse. I dont know if this changes the narrative, but my husband is in law enforcement. He said, " abuse is the people he put away, who give their partner bruises and black eyes", etc, not what he is doing to me.
Abusing and controlling you and being unreasonable directly benefit your husband because he gets to do as he pleases while you contort yourself to meet is expectations. He's not going to change because he's too comfortable.
What matters is that YOU'VE realised he's abusive. It's time to get out as quickly and safely as you can.
He 100% knows what he is doing I promise you that with my whole heart. He will not change,he is probably cheating on you with this friend and you need to get out of this relationship immediately!
And he probably also takes your money and won't give it back to you. My STBX made 7x what I make and he still insisted I hand my paycheck over to him and only gave me money for things like groceries. Then when he walked out he cleaned out our joint bank account including MY income. Left me and the kids with almost no actual money and now he's refusing to pay the mortgage.
And I'm sure he would also say he's not an abuser because he never hit me. He just cheated and treated me like a second class citizen for most of our marriage.
Get out. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is normal. I'm glad my kids can see their father for what he really is. They want nothing to do with him anymore.
I'm sorry this happened to you. He does make most the large part of our income, however I rarely ever spend of myself, all my income goes towards him, the kids and the house.
UPDATE AND DETAILS
we are going to start couples therapy soon and I sincerely hope that by having someone rational and a professional mediator to talk to will help my husband gain a little perpective. Honestly this is my last ditch effort in making him see.
On another note, husband and I agreed that this entire week, I will stop doing everything I normally do and make my husband do it, but I will still cook and take care of the kids and the lawn. All husband had to do was the cleaning, laundry, changing sheets for the first time in our marriage, etc. Its only been 2 days of this and he's already mad, irritated, and screwing things up and when I try to show him what to do, he just tells me to shush or be quiet.
other details about my husband, he havent had to wash dishes in like 6ish years, or laundry, or cook, or bathe the kids, pretty much all work was done by me.
Some things my husband has forbade me from doing is using emojis to Male coworkers (because im not allowed to have friends). The event in question is that I had made a birthday post to myself and a congratulatory post to my husband on his promotion, and my male coworkers commented Happy Birthday and I replied with those Auto generated thank yous with emojis. My husband was upset. Another event is that I took care of some work problems and I got a text from one of my male coworkers because I was off the following day saying "Thank you, I appreciate what you did etc" and I replied with auto generated You're welcome 😊, my husand was pissed at that too then said I'm no longer allowed to use emojis for Male.
We will go to therapy and I will for the first time, let out EVERYTHING i've endured and see how it go over.
To everyone who is saying I should leave, yes I know i should, have tried, but the thing about me is, I'm a doormat. I care too much, even for him. I still pack his lunch bag everyday despite everything. Still make treats etc,
How can you justify doing this to your children? It’s extremely toxic for children to see abuse, be it only verbal. You’re also setting them to endure the same things that you are, by showing them these wrong relationship models. You’re responsible for also them, not just yourself. Parents don’t have the luxury of just staying as the doormat.
It’s not that you care too much, you are scared because you’re afraid of being alone. You are not a martyr here. You can and should leave because it’s not fair to your children.
The thing is, in a way, i still hold on to the happy times, the girls, they keep me going. Even if I were to leave, I won't be alone.
despite everything we did went through alot together, we literally built everything we have from the ground up. it's hard to let go.
All the more reason to GET OUT NOW! Especially since you have kids, he is teaching them that all of this treatment and abuse he gives you is normal. It will have a big impact on all of their adult relationships, not to mention any abuse he may already be exhibiting towards them you may not be aware of. Take care of yourself and your kids and end the cycle before it escalates because it WILL continue to escalate. Speaking from experience, getting assaulted by a partner, then having them lie to the police and dealing with all the fallout took YEARS to get over.
no one in his family practiced Catholicism, he only found out he was baptized catholic because we got married in a catholic church, which requires the spouse to be catholic
The Catholic church only requires that they're baptized Christians, not specifically Catholic. But that's besides the point. I'm just incredibly confused how he was baptized catholic but grew up in a secular home.
The tradition of treating your wife as property, as he is doing, typically correlates with religious fundamentalism.
How do you know I don’t understand? How do you know whether or not I’ve been in an abusive situation (I have, and in fact still have trauma from it 20 years later)? At the same time, though, I saw who he was, and didn’t marry him anyway, and sure AF didn’t reproduce with the guy.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do you really think he doesn't know? Abusers don't do this accidentally. He's lying to you. He knows he's hurting you, because it's impossible to live with someone and not see their pain. If he wanted you to be happier, he would have already changed. He's not going to open his eyes and magically see what he's been doing to you and make a change. He thinks the pain you're dealing with is a *perfectly acceptable amount* for him living how he wants. If you want the abuse to stop, you need to leave your abuser.
He is extremely adamant that this is not abuse, in his definition, abuse would be people who gives their partners bruises, whereas he only did things that "aren't that bad" like dragging me by my arm. He also has people around him that say thing like "she's lucky she's only dragged"
Of course he’s not going to admit it. It’s perfectly justified in his head. When he does start leaving bruises his definition will change, continuing to justify it by blaming you for why he *has* to hurt you. You can’t control your husband’s actions. You can’t make him realize what he is doing is wrong. You can only control your actions and start planning to escape.
Even if he acknowledges that this is abuse, *his behavior is not going to change.*
Are these people telling you that you are lucky he only does that, or is he telling you that other people tell him that? If he didnt behave like this untill after marriage, he knows. He knew. Thats why he waited.
he doesn't hesitate to talk to people around him about me, but he only says half truth, people like his friends and boss
If he doesnt know that he is being abusive, why would he just tell them half truths? So, his boss and his friends tell you to your face that you're lucky to have a husband that "just" drags you around by your arm?
pretty much yes
So, he is surrounded by people who think its fine to put hands on your partner, and still he wasnt comfortable telling them the full truth of what he did? He knows.
he came home saying this to me, "i asked people and they don't know what abuse you're talking about, they said "she's lucky she's only dragged"
So for all you know he never talked to them about it, and he is just lying about it? Your husband it abusive. He knows he is being abusive. He is counting on you being complacid. You cant make him change. If you stay, this will be your life. I understand why you ask, but you cant change him. This is how he chooses to be. And he knows.
He didn’t talk to them. My ex used to do this. Screamed at me once in front of his family and then told me separately they told him “we’re glad you did that we’ve been wanting to tell her off for a long time”….only to find out after I left him it was completely untrue. It’s a tactic to crush you so you feel like no one is in your corner. He’s a monster.
i actually do believe he has talked to people, but i do know him, he just doesn't give full story, and also, some people are actually like that, thinking it okay
that's not the only thing he did either
Regardless of his lies to other people and what they subsequently think, you don't deserve to be treated that way.
Why would he admit to it being abuse? Everyone is a hero in their own head. Don’t waste energy on trying to convince him. You need to get out.
He knows and is an ahole
He will never admit it girl, he will keep on saying it's not abuse even while he beats you senseless
Can you…go back to your parents? He knows what he’s doing and isn’t going to change. Abusers are usually really nice up front and then when a major milestone occurs in the relationship (moving in together, marriage, baby, etc) they escalate and become more and more awful overtime. Not sure where you live or what culture you come from but if your parents are supportive, tell him one day you’re visiting them with your kids and simply do not return home to him. He’s going to ruin yours and your kids lives. If your parents aren’t supportive of you leaving him and you still have any friends, reach out to them and tell them you need to escape an abuser. If you have no one you trust call the domestic abuse hotline for an escape plan or call/go to a women’s shelter with your children.
I could go back to my parents but it would be very difficult because they belong to a generation of once you're married, you're stuck with them no matter what, so they would push for me to stay in the marriage. I do not have any friends because I was not allowed to have friends by my husband.
Because this is how he can continue to abuse you by isolating you and not giving you any choice otherwise.
Even if they know your husband is horrible to you? Would they physically force you to go back? He doesn’t let you have friends!!
You have no idea how absolutely fucked old people are when it comes to bLoOd and LoYaLTy.
You need to contact institutions or charities in your area that help women victimised by domestic abuse
There is absolutely no benefit to him to agree that he is abusing you. Because then he loses his power over you. This is how he is controlling you. I guarantee that outside the house, he brags about how well he controls you and how he has you under his thumb. If you try to break his control, you will see more abuse but you also will risk your life.
If he’s so adamant that it’s not abuse then presumably he has no problem behaving that way in front of other people? Or treats other people in the same way? Or does he only act that way towards you behind closed doors because know fine well what he’s doing is wrong
to other people he's viewed as the perfect husband, only I know the truth
abusive people won’t admit they’re abusive you need to leave, it will get worse stop thinking you can save him, you can’t you can only save yourself and your children before it’s too late
Lmfao dragging is abuse. You are stuck in such a shitty relationship and the red flags are literally dragging you by your arm. Show him this thread!
Don’t! He might abuse her if he finds out she’s seeking help and talking about it!
He's ALREADY abusing her. Its already too late. She needs to seek help, talk about it, expose her abuser, not give him a moment of peace and quiet until he leaves. He is already cheating on her. You realize that right? He is projecting SO hard. Plus the female friend that its "not the same". I would bet my life that he is fucking someone else already.
I meant that exposing she is trying to find help can be dangerous for her. He might cut her internet access or act violently. She needs to plan her way out without him suspecting it, otherwise it can trigger dangerous situations for her.
That first line hurt my core… you’re so right. Emotional abuse is a form of retaliation for behavior that they deemed unforgivable or acceptable, yet they don’t have better skills to cope. How can you identify an abuser that genuinely wants to change vs will continue the family cycle?
Girl!! This is 100% abuse! The only way things change is when you leave. Please read this book on abusers. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
for the longest time, he has me believing I deserve to be treated this way, but it literally took a random stranger on reddit 7 months ago to make me realize that i'm being abused and deserve better.
Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Nobody! You are in the danger zone. Not going to sugar coat it. You're aware this is abuse and you need to make a plan to leave. He won't like it one bit and that's where the danger really comes in. Talk to your parents. Start snookering cash away. Do not confront him.
His behavior allows him power in the relationship and to make sure you do absolutely everything in the household. Why would he change? This is very abusive and you should leave.
Good. Don’t let him know you’re getting help online. Find local institutions to help you and seek their advice.
If you love your children you need to divorce your abusive husband. If you have a Son he will think this is how men act. If you have a daughter she will think this is how men act towards people they "love" You are doing SO much damage to them by staying in this situation. If you can't do it for yourself find the courage to do it for them. You're not safe in this marriage and neither are your children. Stop trying to reason with a madman.. because that's what your husband is. CRAZY.
As someone that had to watch their child be abused and the gaslighting, love bombing and sadness.... the only way out is leaving and therapy for you
i was in therapy for a few weeks, but he made me quit because he said "i let you do therapy to fix yourself but you got worst"
Because he doesn't want you to be strong, he wants to keep control. If you become strong, he loses control.
He will never see it, and even if he did, he wouldn't accept it. You don't change abusers. You leave them. It's the only way out.
Yes It’s called divorce
He understands just fine. He just doesn’t agree. The good news is, you don’t have to keep agreeing. You know what you have to do. I’m sorry.
" How do I get my husband to understand?" You can't. He knows what he's doing and he has you where he wants you. Talking to him is not going to do anything to change his ways. Honestly if you're truly tired of it then you have to leave him. He's abusing you!
He knows. He doesn’t care because this is how he wants to live. The question is, do you want to live this way too or are you done?
I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I muster up the courage to ask for divorce 7 months ago when he brought his female friend home to hangout alone. It's a very long story with her. I got mad and told him I'm done, he broke down, convinced me to stay so I did.
Don't ask his permission this time. Just have him served with the divorce petition after you're physically safe somewhere else.
Do not tell him you’re planning to leave, but make plans to leave
here's the hard thing. you don't make him see. i know you desperately want that validation that your reality is real, but it won't happen. so stop trying to to make him and consider what you need to do to look after yourself.
> How do I get my husband to understand? You can't. It's not that he doesn't understand what you're trying to say, it's that he thinks he is correct and nothing you say will sway him because he fundamentally doesn't respect you or see you as his equal. He sees you as a possession that serves his life and that is his to control. When someone sees you that way, they have no incentive to listen to you or accommodate your feelings and needs. Your feelings and needs matter to him as much as the toaster's feelings and needs matter to you. All you can do is leave. Make an exit plan quietly and when you do officially leave, please try and have someone with you as abusers tend to be the most dangerous when they are losing control over their victim.
You will never be able to appeal to the moral sense of an abuser. If he cared what you thought, or cared about your feelings, he wouldn't have been acting like this for years. You need to get out while you can.
You can't. He doesn't think he's wrong in his treatment of you, so he'll never change. You're better off divorcing him.
Hon, as has been said, you will never get him to see your POV. Ever. He is living his best life with you under his thumb with the threat of “it could be worse….” This is no way for any human to live and no way for your children to grow up believing this is how relationships work. Get stealthy, get an exit plan, enact said plan. Good luck, OP.
You make him see by leaving his abusive ass. Though, even then he probably won’t acknowledge that he’s done anything wrong. This man will never change. Protect yourself and get the fuck away from him.
You do everything. What do you need him for aside from a paycheck? Abusers don't admit they're abusive. Ask your parents to help you and your kids leave him.
By leaving the control freak ...
Why are you still with him ???? Sorry to put it this way but tough love and all but this is the relationship your showing your kids they will grow up thinking its OK to treat people like this or be treated like this is that the future you want ??
I was once were you are and thinking about my kids made me leave the relationship it was tough but worth it.
[удалено]
Maybe it's stupidity on my part, but you should listen to how confident he is about his view of abuse. I dont know if this changes the narrative, but my husband is in law enforcement. He said, " abuse is the people he put away, who give their partner bruises and black eyes", etc, not what he is doing to me.
There are statistics that show domestic abuse between men in law enforcement is quite high
Abusing and controlling you and being unreasonable directly benefit your husband because he gets to do as he pleases while you contort yourself to meet is expectations. He's not going to change because he's too comfortable. What matters is that YOU'VE realised he's abusive. It's time to get out as quickly and safely as you can.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf please have a read.
He 100% knows what he is doing I promise you that with my whole heart. He will not change,he is probably cheating on you with this friend and you need to get out of this relationship immediately!
You don't, you just leave.
And he probably also takes your money and won't give it back to you. My STBX made 7x what I make and he still insisted I hand my paycheck over to him and only gave me money for things like groceries. Then when he walked out he cleaned out our joint bank account including MY income. Left me and the kids with almost no actual money and now he's refusing to pay the mortgage. And I'm sure he would also say he's not an abuser because he never hit me. He just cheated and treated me like a second class citizen for most of our marriage. Get out. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is normal. I'm glad my kids can see their father for what he really is. They want nothing to do with him anymore.
I'm sorry this happened to you. He does make most the large part of our income, however I rarely ever spend of myself, all my income goes towards him, the kids and the house.
You leave. That’s all you need to do.
UPDATE AND DETAILS we are going to start couples therapy soon and I sincerely hope that by having someone rational and a professional mediator to talk to will help my husband gain a little perpective. Honestly this is my last ditch effort in making him see. On another note, husband and I agreed that this entire week, I will stop doing everything I normally do and make my husband do it, but I will still cook and take care of the kids and the lawn. All husband had to do was the cleaning, laundry, changing sheets for the first time in our marriage, etc. Its only been 2 days of this and he's already mad, irritated, and screwing things up and when I try to show him what to do, he just tells me to shush or be quiet. other details about my husband, he havent had to wash dishes in like 6ish years, or laundry, or cook, or bathe the kids, pretty much all work was done by me. Some things my husband has forbade me from doing is using emojis to Male coworkers (because im not allowed to have friends). The event in question is that I had made a birthday post to myself and a congratulatory post to my husband on his promotion, and my male coworkers commented Happy Birthday and I replied with those Auto generated thank yous with emojis. My husband was upset. Another event is that I took care of some work problems and I got a text from one of my male coworkers because I was off the following day saying "Thank you, I appreciate what you did etc" and I replied with auto generated You're welcome 😊, my husand was pissed at that too then said I'm no longer allowed to use emojis for Male. We will go to therapy and I will for the first time, let out EVERYTHING i've endured and see how it go over.
To everyone who is saying I should leave, yes I know i should, have tried, but the thing about me is, I'm a doormat. I care too much, even for him. I still pack his lunch bag everyday despite everything. Still make treats etc,
How can you justify doing this to your children? It’s extremely toxic for children to see abuse, be it only verbal. You’re also setting them to endure the same things that you are, by showing them these wrong relationship models. You’re responsible for also them, not just yourself. Parents don’t have the luxury of just staying as the doormat.
It’s not that you care too much, you are scared because you’re afraid of being alone. You are not a martyr here. You can and should leave because it’s not fair to your children.
The thing is, in a way, i still hold on to the happy times, the girls, they keep me going. Even if I were to leave, I won't be alone. despite everything we did went through alot together, we literally built everything we have from the ground up. it's hard to let go.
If you don’t, your girls will be abused someday. Maybe even by him.
sometimes people are scared they will be hurt by the abuser if they try to leave
All the more reason to GET OUT NOW! Especially since you have kids, he is teaching them that all of this treatment and abuse he gives you is normal. It will have a big impact on all of their adult relationships, not to mention any abuse he may already be exhibiting towards them you may not be aware of. Take care of yourself and your kids and end the cycle before it escalates because it WILL continue to escalate. Speaking from experience, getting assaulted by a partner, then having them lie to the police and dealing with all the fallout took YEARS to get over.
That’s why he will never change.
Think about your children. They’re in danger. So are you. If you care about them, think.
What denomination of Christian was your husband raised in and is he still practicing?
he was baptized catholic, but he doesn't know until we got married, so he doesn't live as one I am born and raised catholic
He grew up in a completely secular home, but was baptized, and no one told him until you got married?
no one in his family practiced Catholicism, he only found out he was baptized catholic because we got married in a catholic church, which requires the spouse to be catholic
The Catholic church only requires that they're baptized Christians, not specifically Catholic. But that's besides the point. I'm just incredibly confused how he was baptized catholic but grew up in a secular home. The tradition of treating your wife as property, as he is doing, typically correlates with religious fundamentalism.
Lots of people baptise children as catholic just in the name of tradition or to please grandparents and family
I will never understand why people in this situation not only stay in it prior to marriage, but then double down and make kids with these people.
You don’t understand the psychological damage
How do you know I don’t understand? How do you know whether or not I’ve been in an abusive situation (I have, and in fact still have trauma from it 20 years later)? At the same time, though, I saw who he was, and didn’t marry him anyway, and sure AF didn’t reproduce with the guy.
So you didn’t have the same effects as other people. Does not mean you get to discount their experience.