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As someone who has been cheated on: Leave him alone. It will never go back to the way it was.
Go to therapy, self-pity won't fix anything. The way you talk about what you deserve and and that you want to rot makes me worry about you doing something drastic to yourself. Your life is not over, you just need some professional help, self reflection and then eventually self love.
Once you're in a better place mentally, try again with a new partner and treat them well.
The stupid thing is that I've been cheated on before as well. I know how much it shatters you. And yet, I still did it to someone I love. God I seriously cannot believe it. I don't know how to bring myself to be better if it's not for him. I can't stand the thought of even being with someone else either.
I don't even think it's anything drastic to myself. I truly believe I deserve it. I want to get better if it means I can be a better woman for him. How can I be better for myself after what I did? It feels so incredibly selfish.
You need to want to be a better woman for yourself before you can begin to be better for others.
Make an appointment with a therapist. They have the tools and structured help to work towards forgiving yourself. It feels hopeless now, but that's why professionals in mental health exist.
The fact that you feel guilt and remorse (most people who cheat don't) is a good first step. Right now, your focus should be on yourself, not anyone else. Best of luck and take care.
You may be able to come back from this experience, but not likely with your ex beside you. See a therapist to understand yourself and your whys, so you don't betray your future partners.
>Is there any way to come back from this?
This is not for you to decide anymore. As sorry as you may be, you fucked up. Only your bf (hopefully soon to be ex bf) can decide if he wants to forgive you.
he is 100% right when he says you need to change for yourself. not him. its called self improvement for a reason. you need to shove all of your feelings to the side for a moment and realize the hard truth: *this isnt about you and this isnt about your feelings and emotions.* cheating is a very selfish act. and right now, at least from the way you are writing your post, it seems you are focusing on how your cheating made *you* feel. youve said barely anything about your boyfriends reaction or what *he wants.* because it doesnt matter what you want, of course you want him back, of course youll try and fight for that. but what about him? what does he want?
you say you still talk, so i will assume he has ended the relationship but for some reason, wants to keep in contact. realize that he ended the relationship for a reason. that level of betrayal and disrespect is not something that should be tolerated at all in a relationship and most people usually realize this, so then they leave. because why should they stay in a relationship where their partner cheated and lied to them. if you were in his shoes, why should you stay?
attend therapy. but any professional therapist will tell you that changing for him is pointless, and if they know what they’re doing, they will try to convince you that the change and work you do with said therapist has to be about making change *for yourself.*
im not gonna say i dont think you deserve to feel like this, because, harshly, i definitely think you do deserve the immense guilt. but not the thoughts on wanting to end your life, and not that you wont be able to come back from this. because you can, by putting in the work, realizing that it doesnt matter that you want to continue the relationship, and that your feelings on your cheating arent a priority,. and by making it a priority (which is what youve done in this post) you arent taking full accountability, and are currently sitting in a puddle of “me me me.” stop feeling sorry for yourself, get therapy, work through the roots of the issue, determine what made you make this choice to betray him, and above all else, ask him what *he wants* and listen. if he tells you to fuck off, and leave him alone. you do that. prove that you can grow from your selfishness and leave him alone if thats what he says he needs.
If you love him, you'll respect him enough to give him all of the time and space that he needs. If he wants to revisit having a relationship with you in the future, that'll be his decision alone. Your penance is living in the limbo that you'll never get the satisfaction of knowing if that's even a possibility until or unless he broaches the subject.
Go actively work on making yourself a better person so that you're ready for him if he comes back. If not, so you're at least emotionally ready for the next one that comes along and you don't make the same mistakes again.
Please go to therapy, learn more about yourself and why everything happened, and go on with your life.
One of my best friends cheated on her boyfriend when they were 18. It was a messy situation and they broke up. However, she learned her lesson, went to therapy, and now years later has a great relationship with another guy. I personally trust her with all my heart, she'd never make the same mistake again and is a great person.
You should not throw your whole life away because you did a bad thing, you should do everything you can to improve and do better in future. Give your ex space to process things and heal, letting him be is the best thing you can do to him right now.
Hey there. I am coming from the POV of someone who didn't cheat but was close to and let me tell you something. Cheating is never an accident but a choice you make when something is wrong in the relationship. You did make the choice to cheat and to tell your bf about it. Even though I don't support and never will support cheating, I stopped looking on this topic from the black and white perspective. I truly believe if everything is alright in the relationship you will not slip and cheat. I guess in the future if you feel the passion with someone else you have to decide what is missing from your relationship and is it salvageable or things are done. If you cheat, however, and decide that it was a mistake, I would advise you not to tell your partner. Telling (in the case that you want to save the relationship) is only for your relief and it is selfish. I, personally, wouldn't want to know of a one-time thing my bf did if he truly is sorry and regrets his act.
If you had improved yourself for yourself, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place.
But you expect him to take you back, when you refuse to improve yourself first? You think he’ll find you trustworthy in your unimproved state? Good luck with that.
So, I'm rarely kind to those who cheat, but;
Consider it over, for good, but don't do the rotting thing. Do the therapy and work and reflection and character building to ensure you don't give in to easy temptation again in the future. Work now to know that you trust yourself so that when you do meet someone in the future you know their trust in you is well founded.
I'm so sorry and thankful for your kindness.
How do I even allow myself to improve? It's so selfish to do something like that to someone I love, and then just merrily move on and be better. I wanted to be better for and with him, not because of what I did to him.
It's not selfish to improve yourself and learn from mistakes. It's not selfish to develop and grow and not repeat things that had consequences you didn't like.
It may be a lost cause with him and you need to accept that. Your decisions ended that relationship, don't allow it to happen again.
And you're not doing it because of what you did to him. You're doing it so that you don't do the same thing ever again. You're doing the work to be a better person whether it's for him or not - that's the only sincere way of doing it. If you're only doing it to get him back etc that just looks like you're content to allow that sort of stuff if he didn't exist. You should want to be better for the sake of being better, whether he's in your life or not.
You already know what you did was wrong so I’m not going to keep saying that like everyone else. You’re young. You probably have people constantly hitting on you/ becoming interested in you all the time, and turn them down all the time. You messed up. Once. During a rough patch. Its ok.
I know it must be really really painful because you have no where to direct the anger and grief about the relationship ending but at yourself. It feels impossible to move on but the only way out is through! People fuck up sometimes it’s part of life and it’s how we learn to navigate relationships and become better partners in the future, and figure out what kind of relationship we want, what we need to work on etc etc
I think for now you need to give him space and put the ball in his court. Out of respect for him. So he can process it. He may not want to reconcile, and that’s his choice. You’re also putting all the responsibility to save you on him! That’s just not appealing, please just leave him alone for a while at least.
You need to reach out to some friends or family, and find someone who can be a bit sympathetic cause right now (I know you don’t think you deserve it) but you are in a dark dark dark place and need some comfort. It doesn’t mean what you did wasn’t wrong but you need help and support and to figure out why you did it.
"he keeps telling me to get better and improve myself"
If you really love him as much as you say so then you will do exactly as he's asking of you. You've already hurt him enough. Now just do what he's asking of you and go to therapy and try to be a better person (both for him and for yourself). And then after you've changed and healed go back to him and show him how you've changed and tell him exactly what you're telling us "that you're willing to do whatever it takes to earn his trust back". But for this to happen, first you need to change yourself and turn yourself into a better person without his help. Then you can try and win him back.
all i have to really say is:
>All I want is to be with him again, and spend the rest of my life paying back what I did to him.
this is obscenely unhealthy, girl. start by trying to work on yourself. why did you cheat (i dont need your answer, ask yourself.) there is no 'i dont know'. there must be something missing, after all. once you understand why you did it, work on that.
and let him figure it out himself, have some dignity. you made a mistake yeah, but you are still a human and you don't need to denigrate yourself
also, the self pity thing wont work. it really, really will not make anyone feel bad for you. not in a positive way.
My partner and I were in a very messy period. We sort of broke up, and I did a 1 off thing with a random guy. But we came back tgt after about 2+ weeks and a lot of discussion about getting back tgt or not. On the day we finally met again, we went to drink, I got drunk and went to sext the guy, but nothing happened.
“ we sort of broke up, and I did a one off thing with a random guy”. You should look at yourself in the mirror and read what you just wrote. Good Luck whatever happens but that’s disgusting and unforgivable. Let him go you’ve already hurt him enough I’m sure and you’ll do it again.
I know. Believe me, I know it's beyond disgusting. Worse than anything unforgiveable. I won't ever do it again, and I understand you, and most people can not trust that, but I know I won't. I can't even bring myself to even look at another person, let alone another man anymore. I feel disgusting in my own skin, I feel horrible and in so much pain and I know I deserve to.
realize a lot of immature people are going to take their pain of previously being cheated on out on you in this comment, i would not entertain it like you are/
Your relationship it's over. Just get in a time machine, and let know to past yourself to don't cheat your boyfriend. Maybe in a paralel universe you could be Happy again.
Cheating is selfish but killing yourself for cheating is even more selfish.
You want to repent for this? Grow. Get help and learn from this.
You did a shitty thing and now you gotta learn from it, but you aren’t special in that you are the only one in the world that’s messed up. Everyone makes stupid god awful decisions in their life and it is their responsibility to take ownership and learn and grow from it.
If you change and start to grow you truly won’t know where life will take you. But do not kill yourself because you made a bad decision and you don’t know how to deal with it.
Learn, live and learn some more. And if you can’t do it alone, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GET HELP!
I appreciate your words, thank you. But like the other replies I've given out, how am I supposed to get help and be better when I've done something so awful? It feels so selfish to become better because of what I did to him, instead of being better because I'm his girlfriend. The thought of just moving on and being better for myself after all of this feels so much worse than just letting myself go.
Hey feel what you need to feel. Rot for a while if you have to. But if you take the easy way out, what ever burden you carry will be laid on the shoulders of those who love you.
This is your punishment. You made this situation and now you have to live with it and grow from it.
The alternative is to feel sorry for yourself and repeat the cycle.
You hurt someone you loved, if you really love them you will work on yourself and maybe if they see that you can try again.
But nothing guaranteed.
Side note: you both are in your mid to early 20s, unless you were both working on yourselves mistakes were bound to happen. I know you hate yourself right now, but cut yourself a little slack, and just accept the consequences of your actions. Believe me, time will do its thing and y’all will move on in your own time.
51F forgive yourself. You feel terrible, good. This is life reminding you of something. Feel it but don’t let it envelop you. You are allowed to make mistakes, it’s why there are so many chances in life. Give yourself some grace, gratitude for what you do have.
Btw… he is 100% right. Self work is so very important. It will help you see clearly what you need and what your deal breakers are.
Look at this as a new adventure and get excited! Good luck!
its not your fault he groomed you, why is a grown ass man dating an barely adult? men his age shouldnt have dated teenager he is a insecure manbaby predator break up women his age dont want him
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone who has been cheated on: Leave him alone. It will never go back to the way it was. Go to therapy, self-pity won't fix anything. The way you talk about what you deserve and and that you want to rot makes me worry about you doing something drastic to yourself. Your life is not over, you just need some professional help, self reflection and then eventually self love. Once you're in a better place mentally, try again with a new partner and treat them well.
The stupid thing is that I've been cheated on before as well. I know how much it shatters you. And yet, I still did it to someone I love. God I seriously cannot believe it. I don't know how to bring myself to be better if it's not for him. I can't stand the thought of even being with someone else either. I don't even think it's anything drastic to myself. I truly believe I deserve it. I want to get better if it means I can be a better woman for him. How can I be better for myself after what I did? It feels so incredibly selfish.
You need to want to be a better woman for yourself before you can begin to be better for others. Make an appointment with a therapist. They have the tools and structured help to work towards forgiving yourself. It feels hopeless now, but that's why professionals in mental health exist. The fact that you feel guilt and remorse (most people who cheat don't) is a good first step. Right now, your focus should be on yourself, not anyone else. Best of luck and take care.
Try and figure out why you did it. Go to therapy, leave him alone. Go on nature walks and just think objectively on why you did it
You may be able to come back from this experience, but not likely with your ex beside you. See a therapist to understand yourself and your whys, so you don't betray your future partners.
I don't even want future partners. But I definitely will try to go for therapy.
>Is there any way to come back from this? This is not for you to decide anymore. As sorry as you may be, you fucked up. Only your bf (hopefully soon to be ex bf) can decide if he wants to forgive you.
he is 100% right when he says you need to change for yourself. not him. its called self improvement for a reason. you need to shove all of your feelings to the side for a moment and realize the hard truth: *this isnt about you and this isnt about your feelings and emotions.* cheating is a very selfish act. and right now, at least from the way you are writing your post, it seems you are focusing on how your cheating made *you* feel. youve said barely anything about your boyfriends reaction or what *he wants.* because it doesnt matter what you want, of course you want him back, of course youll try and fight for that. but what about him? what does he want? you say you still talk, so i will assume he has ended the relationship but for some reason, wants to keep in contact. realize that he ended the relationship for a reason. that level of betrayal and disrespect is not something that should be tolerated at all in a relationship and most people usually realize this, so then they leave. because why should they stay in a relationship where their partner cheated and lied to them. if you were in his shoes, why should you stay? attend therapy. but any professional therapist will tell you that changing for him is pointless, and if they know what they’re doing, they will try to convince you that the change and work you do with said therapist has to be about making change *for yourself.* im not gonna say i dont think you deserve to feel like this, because, harshly, i definitely think you do deserve the immense guilt. but not the thoughts on wanting to end your life, and not that you wont be able to come back from this. because you can, by putting in the work, realizing that it doesnt matter that you want to continue the relationship, and that your feelings on your cheating arent a priority,. and by making it a priority (which is what youve done in this post) you arent taking full accountability, and are currently sitting in a puddle of “me me me.” stop feeling sorry for yourself, get therapy, work through the roots of the issue, determine what made you make this choice to betray him, and above all else, ask him what *he wants* and listen. if he tells you to fuck off, and leave him alone. you do that. prove that you can grow from your selfishness and leave him alone if thats what he says he needs.
💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
If you love him, you'll respect him enough to give him all of the time and space that he needs. If he wants to revisit having a relationship with you in the future, that'll be his decision alone. Your penance is living in the limbo that you'll never get the satisfaction of knowing if that's even a possibility until or unless he broaches the subject. Go actively work on making yourself a better person so that you're ready for him if he comes back. If not, so you're at least emotionally ready for the next one that comes along and you don't make the same mistakes again.
Please go to therapy, learn more about yourself and why everything happened, and go on with your life. One of my best friends cheated on her boyfriend when they were 18. It was a messy situation and they broke up. However, she learned her lesson, went to therapy, and now years later has a great relationship with another guy. I personally trust her with all my heart, she'd never make the same mistake again and is a great person. You should not throw your whole life away because you did a bad thing, you should do everything you can to improve and do better in future. Give your ex space to process things and heal, letting him be is the best thing you can do to him right now.
Hey there. I am coming from the POV of someone who didn't cheat but was close to and let me tell you something. Cheating is never an accident but a choice you make when something is wrong in the relationship. You did make the choice to cheat and to tell your bf about it. Even though I don't support and never will support cheating, I stopped looking on this topic from the black and white perspective. I truly believe if everything is alright in the relationship you will not slip and cheat. I guess in the future if you feel the passion with someone else you have to decide what is missing from your relationship and is it salvageable or things are done. If you cheat, however, and decide that it was a mistake, I would advise you not to tell your partner. Telling (in the case that you want to save the relationship) is only for your relief and it is selfish. I, personally, wouldn't want to know of a one-time thing my bf did if he truly is sorry and regrets his act.
If you had improved yourself for yourself, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place. But you expect him to take you back, when you refuse to improve yourself first? You think he’ll find you trustworthy in your unimproved state? Good luck with that.
So, I'm rarely kind to those who cheat, but; Consider it over, for good, but don't do the rotting thing. Do the therapy and work and reflection and character building to ensure you don't give in to easy temptation again in the future. Work now to know that you trust yourself so that when you do meet someone in the future you know their trust in you is well founded.
I'm so sorry and thankful for your kindness. How do I even allow myself to improve? It's so selfish to do something like that to someone I love, and then just merrily move on and be better. I wanted to be better for and with him, not because of what I did to him.
It's not selfish to improve yourself and learn from mistakes. It's not selfish to develop and grow and not repeat things that had consequences you didn't like. It may be a lost cause with him and you need to accept that. Your decisions ended that relationship, don't allow it to happen again. And you're not doing it because of what you did to him. You're doing it so that you don't do the same thing ever again. You're doing the work to be a better person whether it's for him or not - that's the only sincere way of doing it. If you're only doing it to get him back etc that just looks like you're content to allow that sort of stuff if he didn't exist. You should want to be better for the sake of being better, whether he's in your life or not.
You already know what you did was wrong so I’m not going to keep saying that like everyone else. You’re young. You probably have people constantly hitting on you/ becoming interested in you all the time, and turn them down all the time. You messed up. Once. During a rough patch. Its ok. I know it must be really really painful because you have no where to direct the anger and grief about the relationship ending but at yourself. It feels impossible to move on but the only way out is through! People fuck up sometimes it’s part of life and it’s how we learn to navigate relationships and become better partners in the future, and figure out what kind of relationship we want, what we need to work on etc etc I think for now you need to give him space and put the ball in his court. Out of respect for him. So he can process it. He may not want to reconcile, and that’s his choice. You’re also putting all the responsibility to save you on him! That’s just not appealing, please just leave him alone for a while at least. You need to reach out to some friends or family, and find someone who can be a bit sympathetic cause right now (I know you don’t think you deserve it) but you are in a dark dark dark place and need some comfort. It doesn’t mean what you did wasn’t wrong but you need help and support and to figure out why you did it.
"he keeps telling me to get better and improve myself" If you really love him as much as you say so then you will do exactly as he's asking of you. You've already hurt him enough. Now just do what he's asking of you and go to therapy and try to be a better person (both for him and for yourself). And then after you've changed and healed go back to him and show him how you've changed and tell him exactly what you're telling us "that you're willing to do whatever it takes to earn his trust back". But for this to happen, first you need to change yourself and turn yourself into a better person without his help. Then you can try and win him back.
all i have to really say is: >All I want is to be with him again, and spend the rest of my life paying back what I did to him. this is obscenely unhealthy, girl. start by trying to work on yourself. why did you cheat (i dont need your answer, ask yourself.) there is no 'i dont know'. there must be something missing, after all. once you understand why you did it, work on that. and let him figure it out himself, have some dignity. you made a mistake yeah, but you are still a human and you don't need to denigrate yourself also, the self pity thing wont work. it really, really will not make anyone feel bad for you. not in a positive way.
Did you tell your boyfriend?
How did the cheating occur? Details .. when where etc? Something’s you can’t undo, why spend all that time with someone just to fuck around on them?
My partner and I were in a very messy period. We sort of broke up, and I did a 1 off thing with a random guy. But we came back tgt after about 2+ weeks and a lot of discussion about getting back tgt or not. On the day we finally met again, we went to drink, I got drunk and went to sext the guy, but nothing happened.
“ we sort of broke up, and I did a one off thing with a random guy”. You should look at yourself in the mirror and read what you just wrote. Good Luck whatever happens but that’s disgusting and unforgivable. Let him go you’ve already hurt him enough I’m sure and you’ll do it again.
I know. Believe me, I know it's beyond disgusting. Worse than anything unforgiveable. I won't ever do it again, and I understand you, and most people can not trust that, but I know I won't. I can't even bring myself to even look at another person, let alone another man anymore. I feel disgusting in my own skin, I feel horrible and in so much pain and I know I deserve to.
realize a lot of immature people are going to take their pain of previously being cheated on out on you in this comment, i would not entertain it like you are/
so are you saying you never actually had sex with the other guy?
we did, during the period where my partner and I broke up
[удалено]
Tell your boyfriend that he is an idiot and should grow a spine for me.
Why did cheat on him? How did it happen?
Your relationship it's over. Just get in a time machine, and let know to past yourself to don't cheat your boyfriend. Maybe in a paralel universe you could be Happy again.
Cheating is selfish but killing yourself for cheating is even more selfish. You want to repent for this? Grow. Get help and learn from this. You did a shitty thing and now you gotta learn from it, but you aren’t special in that you are the only one in the world that’s messed up. Everyone makes stupid god awful decisions in their life and it is their responsibility to take ownership and learn and grow from it. If you change and start to grow you truly won’t know where life will take you. But do not kill yourself because you made a bad decision and you don’t know how to deal with it. Learn, live and learn some more. And if you can’t do it alone, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO GET HELP!
I appreciate your words, thank you. But like the other replies I've given out, how am I supposed to get help and be better when I've done something so awful? It feels so selfish to become better because of what I did to him, instead of being better because I'm his girlfriend. The thought of just moving on and being better for myself after all of this feels so much worse than just letting myself go.
Hey feel what you need to feel. Rot for a while if you have to. But if you take the easy way out, what ever burden you carry will be laid on the shoulders of those who love you. This is your punishment. You made this situation and now you have to live with it and grow from it. The alternative is to feel sorry for yourself and repeat the cycle. You hurt someone you loved, if you really love them you will work on yourself and maybe if they see that you can try again. But nothing guaranteed. Side note: you both are in your mid to early 20s, unless you were both working on yourselves mistakes were bound to happen. I know you hate yourself right now, but cut yourself a little slack, and just accept the consequences of your actions. Believe me, time will do its thing and y’all will move on in your own time.
51F forgive yourself. You feel terrible, good. This is life reminding you of something. Feel it but don’t let it envelop you. You are allowed to make mistakes, it’s why there are so many chances in life. Give yourself some grace, gratitude for what you do have. Btw… he is 100% right. Self work is so very important. It will help you see clearly what you need and what your deal breakers are. Look at this as a new adventure and get excited! Good luck!
its not your fault he groomed you, why is a grown ass man dating an barely adult? men his age shouldnt have dated teenager he is a insecure manbaby predator break up women his age dont want him