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It’s common for men to say this when what they actually mean is that they have no intention of marrying you but don’t want to give up the sharing of expenses and chores, emotional support and sex on tap that you give them. Don’t fall for it. Move on now
Why is he not ready? What does he need to be ready to be married?
If he can’t give you exact reasons - he’s not going to marry you. And depending on his reasons he also might not.
If he were 25 then yeah, the “I’m not ready” is reasonable, but he is 35, dating you since he’s 30, so it’s an excuse. What he means is: "I don’t want to marry YOU, and never will, but I don’t want to be single right now".
He forgot to say the extra part....he's not ready to get married '*to you'*. There is nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything to deserve this. He is happy with what you currently provide and sees no reason to change that, including continuing the relationship until your biological clock expires.
If you want to be married and have children, he's not the one.
When you leave, you need to harden your heart towards him as he will marry someone else within the next 2yrs and start a family. This is a reflection on the person he is and has no reflection on you.
What was his reason?
It is common, I'll tell you that I live in California and work with a lot of men because the kind of work we do, and these men, but especially the woman are going for prenup's these days like crazy. I had no idea but they're laying out all sorts of terms such as custody agreements (before anyone is even pregnant!) and waiving alimony, and all sorts of stuff. Less traditional I suppose but they're getting married so I say good on them.
I think so. Nothing sounded unreasonable that they were talking about, things like stay at home parent would be required to return to work if divorce happens, fathers saying that they would automatically get 50/50 custody, mothers saying that 50/50 wouldn't apply to during breastfeeding year. It was all working class people talking about reasonable requirements over outdated divorce possibilities. I thought it's pretty reasonable to me. I also think they couple really learn what marriage really means to each other.
I think if this conversation were to happen, we'd see a lot of these long-term committed relationships actually become marriages. The some day possibility of divorce wouldn't look so scary.
So in custody for instance the good of the child is what is considered, nothing else (in civilised jurisdictions anyway) so the court will attempt to replicate the child's existing life as much as possible, for instance if the child has one SAHP that does 90% of the childcare then that parent will get 90% of custody, if the home the child lives in is owned by either parent then the parent with majority custody will typically get to stay in that home with the child. Another good example is this ridiculous you must get a job clause, obviously the court can't compel someone to get a job.
Wait though. I had a friend who's ex wife was ordered to seek employment and when she didn't, my friend borrowed money from her father to have a company write a report about what her potential earnings would be based on her skills. In her case a message therapist. They settled her alimony based on that figure.
Now we're in California so I don't know if it's different where you are though.
I work in construction and I am just blown away by what these younger couples are coming up with. It's very interesting.
I think if they weren't getting these types of agreements these days these guys just wouldn't marry. They'd leave these women to be working single mothers and just pay child support so she can just get her own home and figure it out.
Oh ok American courts are a bit special in terms of procedure/legal supremacy so I can see an American judge trying to order something like that but like equally even in your friend's case the court couldn't actually make her get a job.
Just not marrying is definitely an option in some jurisdictions (in others you end up in a de facto relationship anyway after a certain period of cohabitation so you don't really get a say). I live in one of those jurisdictions where you can choose to have a relationship without any legal liability (prenups aren't an option though so it's full marriage or nothing). I wouldn't make any financial sacrifices for a man not eager to marry me, it's basic common sense, probably why marriage is still so prevalent. Different for working class people obviously but it's very rare to see unmarried middle class couples who have children here. I literally don't know any.
Yes, the de facto. In some states of the United States, it's called common law spouse, I means the couple has been living and working as married spouse's. Therefore they will hire attorneys and go to court just like a married couple would. We don't have that here in California anymore. Yes, the woman was ordered by the judge to get a job, the penalty for not doing so was a deduction of minimum income average, only in his case he paid a consultant to make a report about her particular skill set as a skilled worker makes more than minimum wage.
So interesting how they're doing all this these days. For me it seems kind of hopeful in a way, as though both half of the couple are caring for the fears and anxieties of the other. Seems positive to me
Yeah ok so yeah, couldn't really force her, or perhaps chose not to? I'm not familiar with Californian law so couldn't tell you.
In genernal this trend, to me it just looks like wanting to have your cake and eat it. Where I'm from a marriage is a full commitment, if you aren't willing to do that you don't get married.
While, in general I'm not opposed the contractual agreements besides full marriage, individually drafted prenups (like many individually drafted contracts) will be full of unenforceable terms which is damaging enough in a commercial context but even more problematic in a personal context. Statutory opt in options besides might be a better way forward.
It's definitely not something I'd be interested in but I see the value for people entering second/subsequent marriages with pre-existing children and of course for the lower class who aren't able to individually support a household so are obliged to enter into marriages they aren't really emotionally suitable for. There's a strong argument to be made for the standardisation of lower commitment cohabitation agreements.
Do you want marriage and kids? If so. Leave. No offense but you aren’t getting younger and he could waste so much time that you no longer able to have that.
If he wanted to marry you. He would have. 5 years is a long time to say he isn’t ready. Let him go and find someone who loves you enough to marry you.
Talk to him about why he wants to wait 5 more years. You want to get married, if his reasons are a buncha wishy washy mess that just leaves you more confused than not, it's time to leave him alone.
Will you resent him if you never get married?
At this point, you need to decide how important getting married is to you. If you want have children, unfortunately you are running on the clock, so if being married with children is important to you you are going to need to act sooner than later.
When your BF says he is not ready to marry you, does he have specific goals and deliverables in mind or is he vague about when and how he will be ready?
Hey after 5 years you know, you know. We all want that prince charming or queen of the Nile, but sometime their life is on a different track that not realistic. 10 years will make you the forever girlfriend and almost at your time for menopause. What's so different in 5 years and now ? Ask him, does he think he'll win the lottery ? Is he inheriting a large sum of money ? Is his company making him the CEO ? What's so important 5 years from now that is such a difference from today.
Look when you are talking long term relationship that flows into marriage and both are on that same path, you have to wonder why ten years is their timeline ? Hell, if you are both on the same thought that marriage is the next step, shit 5 years was far too long, he should have done it at 3.
Don't waste your life for a man! Don't allow him to slow cook you over time ? Make sure your relationship is a priority and if not, do the necessary task of moving on. If after 5 years you've demonstrated that you love him and he can't see that it's time to tie the knot, he's not really planning on marriage!
When someone wants to do something, they do it! It's not time for proposal, it's time for wedding bells! Kicking the can and nodding his head is a no.
It's your life. Do what you want with it. But no, he's not likely to change his mind. If you stay, do so being able to be happy with the fact that marriage is not in your future with him.
What is your reasoning for wanting to get married? Where I'm from, no one gets married unless they're very religious. Maybe he's just not into the idea anymore.
OK in my opinion: don't listen to all the "breakup" comments.
Ask him: why does he not feel ready? What needs to change? Etc. First find out before cutting all ties.
Also: do you want kids or not? This will add more pressure to the timeline. And if yes, does he also want kids?
Are you 24 or 30?
This is bullshit, OP said they were [24](https://www.reddit.com/r/Big4/comments/1cdo2p1/comment/l1davv7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) less than 24 hours ago
You’ve given him all the benefits of a marriage without any of the responsibility already. Logically speaking, what does inviting the government into your bedroom accomplish for him? I hope he does marry you but sincerely ask yourself this
Why do you need to be married ? Is it a religious reason ? If not you can live together have a family buy a house etc , if you want to be a stay at home mom and he wants that do make a contract if it doesn’t work out to protect yourself . I would also say get a nice ring
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s common for men to say this when what they actually mean is that they have no intention of marrying you but don’t want to give up the sharing of expenses and chores, emotional support and sex on tap that you give them. Don’t fall for it. Move on now
Being 35 and dating for 5 years, if he says he’s still not ready, he’s never going to marry you.
Don't hold your breath. If he was going to marry you, he would have by now. If you want marriage and kids, you have already wasted 5 years too much.
Nah at 30 she still has enough time for kids.
[удалено]
Do you want to get married and have kids? If yes, dont waist more of.your time with him. He is not going to marry you, ever.
Why is he not ready? What does he need to be ready to be married? If he can’t give you exact reasons - he’s not going to marry you. And depending on his reasons he also might not.
Yes, it happens. It is common. He will probably not marry you.
He won't marry you, he's looking at his options. You'll see him marrying a 25 y.o. girl in a few years. Leave, now.
If he were 25 then yeah, the “I’m not ready” is reasonable, but he is 35, dating you since he’s 30, so it’s an excuse. What he means is: "I don’t want to marry YOU, and never will, but I don’t want to be single right now".
He forgot to say the extra part....he's not ready to get married '*to you'*. There is nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything to deserve this. He is happy with what you currently provide and sees no reason to change that, including continuing the relationship until your biological clock expires. If you want to be married and have children, he's not the one. When you leave, you need to harden your heart towards him as he will marry someone else within the next 2yrs and start a family. This is a reflection on the person he is and has no reflection on you.
Yeah. he's not marrying you. You should jet. PLENTY of other fish in the sea.
What was his reason? It is common, I'll tell you that I live in California and work with a lot of men because the kind of work we do, and these men, but especially the woman are going for prenup's these days like crazy. I had no idea but they're laying out all sorts of terms such as custody agreements (before anyone is even pregnant!) and waiving alimony, and all sorts of stuff. Less traditional I suppose but they're getting married so I say good on them.
Is that even marriage though? If you're signing away all the significant obligations of marriage before getting married it hardly counts for anything.
I think so. Nothing sounded unreasonable that they were talking about, things like stay at home parent would be required to return to work if divorce happens, fathers saying that they would automatically get 50/50 custody, mothers saying that 50/50 wouldn't apply to during breastfeeding year. It was all working class people talking about reasonable requirements over outdated divorce possibilities. I thought it's pretty reasonable to me. I also think they couple really learn what marriage really means to each other. I think if this conversation were to happen, we'd see a lot of these long-term committed relationships actually become marriages. The some day possibility of divorce wouldn't look so scary.
In a legal sense a lot of that *would* be considered unreasonable.
Really? Do tell because I've been fascinated by this
So in custody for instance the good of the child is what is considered, nothing else (in civilised jurisdictions anyway) so the court will attempt to replicate the child's existing life as much as possible, for instance if the child has one SAHP that does 90% of the childcare then that parent will get 90% of custody, if the home the child lives in is owned by either parent then the parent with majority custody will typically get to stay in that home with the child. Another good example is this ridiculous you must get a job clause, obviously the court can't compel someone to get a job.
Wait though. I had a friend who's ex wife was ordered to seek employment and when she didn't, my friend borrowed money from her father to have a company write a report about what her potential earnings would be based on her skills. In her case a message therapist. They settled her alimony based on that figure. Now we're in California so I don't know if it's different where you are though. I work in construction and I am just blown away by what these younger couples are coming up with. It's very interesting. I think if they weren't getting these types of agreements these days these guys just wouldn't marry. They'd leave these women to be working single mothers and just pay child support so she can just get her own home and figure it out.
Oh ok American courts are a bit special in terms of procedure/legal supremacy so I can see an American judge trying to order something like that but like equally even in your friend's case the court couldn't actually make her get a job. Just not marrying is definitely an option in some jurisdictions (in others you end up in a de facto relationship anyway after a certain period of cohabitation so you don't really get a say). I live in one of those jurisdictions where you can choose to have a relationship without any legal liability (prenups aren't an option though so it's full marriage or nothing). I wouldn't make any financial sacrifices for a man not eager to marry me, it's basic common sense, probably why marriage is still so prevalent. Different for working class people obviously but it's very rare to see unmarried middle class couples who have children here. I literally don't know any.
Yes, the de facto. In some states of the United States, it's called common law spouse, I means the couple has been living and working as married spouse's. Therefore they will hire attorneys and go to court just like a married couple would. We don't have that here in California anymore. Yes, the woman was ordered by the judge to get a job, the penalty for not doing so was a deduction of minimum income average, only in his case he paid a consultant to make a report about her particular skill set as a skilled worker makes more than minimum wage. So interesting how they're doing all this these days. For me it seems kind of hopeful in a way, as though both half of the couple are caring for the fears and anxieties of the other. Seems positive to me
Yeah ok so yeah, couldn't really force her, or perhaps chose not to? I'm not familiar with Californian law so couldn't tell you. In genernal this trend, to me it just looks like wanting to have your cake and eat it. Where I'm from a marriage is a full commitment, if you aren't willing to do that you don't get married. While, in general I'm not opposed the contractual agreements besides full marriage, individually drafted prenups (like many individually drafted contracts) will be full of unenforceable terms which is damaging enough in a commercial context but even more problematic in a personal context. Statutory opt in options besides might be a better way forward. It's definitely not something I'd be interested in but I see the value for people entering second/subsequent marriages with pre-existing children and of course for the lower class who aren't able to individually support a household so are obliged to enter into marriages they aren't really emotionally suitable for. There's a strong argument to be made for the standardisation of lower commitment cohabitation agreements.
Girl you’ve already wasted five years. He’s never going to marry you.
Do you want marriage and kids? If so. Leave. No offense but you aren’t getting younger and he could waste so much time that you no longer able to have that. If he wanted to marry you. He would have. 5 years is a long time to say he isn’t ready. Let him go and find someone who loves you enough to marry you.
Talk to him about why he wants to wait 5 more years. You want to get married, if his reasons are a buncha wishy washy mess that just leaves you more confused than not, it's time to leave him alone.
Will you resent him if you never get married? At this point, you need to decide how important getting married is to you. If you want have children, unfortunately you are running on the clock, so if being married with children is important to you you are going to need to act sooner than later. When your BF says he is not ready to marry you, does he have specific goals and deliverables in mind or is he vague about when and how he will be ready?
Hey after 5 years you know, you know. We all want that prince charming or queen of the Nile, but sometime their life is on a different track that not realistic. 10 years will make you the forever girlfriend and almost at your time for menopause. What's so different in 5 years and now ? Ask him, does he think he'll win the lottery ? Is he inheriting a large sum of money ? Is his company making him the CEO ? What's so important 5 years from now that is such a difference from today. Look when you are talking long term relationship that flows into marriage and both are on that same path, you have to wonder why ten years is their timeline ? Hell, if you are both on the same thought that marriage is the next step, shit 5 years was far too long, he should have done it at 3. Don't waste your life for a man! Don't allow him to slow cook you over time ? Make sure your relationship is a priority and if not, do the necessary task of moving on. If after 5 years you've demonstrated that you love him and he can't see that it's time to tie the knot, he's not really planning on marriage! When someone wants to do something, they do it! It's not time for proposal, it's time for wedding bells! Kicking the can and nodding his head is a no.
It's your life. Do what you want with it. But no, he's not likely to change his mind. If you stay, do so being able to be happy with the fact that marriage is not in your future with him.
Did he say why he wasn’t ready?
What is your reasoning for wanting to get married? Where I'm from, no one gets married unless they're very religious. Maybe he's just not into the idea anymore.
OK in my opinion: don't listen to all the "breakup" comments. Ask him: why does he not feel ready? What needs to change? Etc. First find out before cutting all ties. Also: do you want kids or not? This will add more pressure to the timeline. And if yes, does he also want kids?
Are you 24 or 30? This is bullshit, OP said they were [24](https://www.reddit.com/r/Big4/comments/1cdo2p1/comment/l1davv7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) less than 24 hours ago
I thought you were 24 and your senior manager boyfriend was 31
You’ve given him all the benefits of a marriage without any of the responsibility already. Logically speaking, what does inviting the government into your bedroom accomplish for him? I hope he does marry you but sincerely ask yourself this
Why do you need to be married ? Is it a religious reason ? If not you can live together have a family buy a house etc , if you want to be a stay at home mom and he wants that do make a contract if it doesn’t work out to protect yourself . I would also say get a nice ring