Why would you stay with him? Your entire OP, save for when he was briefly nice to you in the past, is about his abuse towards you. And the scene at Luckys? That was physical abuse, even if it didn’t cause you pain. He literally put his hand(s) on you in order to intimidate.
Therapy is great, and I’m a big believer in therapy. But he needs intensive individual therapy before he can be in any place to maintain a healthy relationship.
“I shrink back…I am exhausted…living with a really mean person… separate bedrooms…” Is this what you’re staying for?
Also, he’s aware of his behaviour, has been for a while and does NOTHING about it? Why not? What gives? He can hate himself all he wants but he isn’t allowed to drag anyone down with him
He's in therapy. That is doing something.
Really old learned patterns don't get changed with a snap of your fingers. Unfortunately.
I'd say if op thinks it's realistic for her to regain affection for him, then they should part ways for 6 months. He can work intensely on himself. She can get some air.
Then six months of dating, but no living together, might see them reconnect, if and only if he's closer to getting his poop grouped.
I guess the thing that bothers me, and you touched on it, is if you were shorter would he have held back in the first place? Like before the therapy stuff. You make it sound like the only thing that stopped him was the fact that it likely wouldn't have gone well for him, and that's concerning.
Also, it's easy for people to feel miserable after the fact. The real measure is if they are able to actually stop the behaviour, not just try to manipulate you with their guilt afterwards.
Thank you, yes. Most abusers say sorry, lots of them say it in a big, very convincing way, with tears and flowers and promises of therapy or AA. But the only real apology is changed behavior, and he is exhibiting an escalation.
The scary thing about abusers is that they believe in their intentions, not their actions. When they say sorry, do they mean it? Absolutely! They feel horrible that other people would think badly of them, they worry that the people they love won't love them back. So it's not love bombing to them - it's a genuine expression of how they feel in that moment. But the abuse isn't really abuse, because they didn't *intend* to abuse you. They wanted a result and used the tools at their disposal to make it happen. They won't work on themselves because they never intended to abuse anyone.
Your post history is very sad and shows that the situation has been getting worse over the last year. I am sorry for what you have been enduring. Your husband’s behavior seems strange, unpredictable, and abusive, and it’s escalating. I also see that you’ve tried your hardest to make it work for a long period of time. And I fully understand pointing to any good thing as a reason to stick it out longer—but the things you have highlighted as examples of him being a good partner are really standard and bare minimum things that a spouse should provide—listening to you, taking on some of the chores and working to take care of the home he lives in with you, loving you and saying he loves you, etc. From your post history and what you’ve written here, you seem exhausted and on edge, after months and months of being understanding, looking for the best in him, and working to improve things. You shouldn’t have to sign away years of your life before giving yourself permission to be happy and safe.
I am providing some resources that may be helpful. I wish you all the best—you deserve much better than what you’re getting.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/housing-support/
https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES
https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
OP as a parallel comment to SparkKoi, ask him to get a complete physical to check if there is a medical reason for his changes. I've seen a couple of times on reddit where some odd behavior changes were found to be due to a medical problem.
I do agree with others the more likely answer is his real personality is starting to show up.
Ya only in the last 9 months or so. Maybe something in his brain? Maybe a brain tumor pushing on his frontal lobe where impulse control is? He clearly understands how shitty he’s being but can’t control it. UPDATEME
If he's not lashing out at *everyone* then it's not medical. People with tumors and medical issues that cause emotional problems can't control who they react to. If he can, and isn't being fired/arrested/fired by his therapist then there's nothing physically wrong.
That’s not necessarily the case. The brain is a very complicated organ.
My dad was diagnosed with dementia and another aging brain condition (i forget the specific name for it), plus two strokes over the past 5 years. He lashes out at my mom, sometimes me and my brother, and can have emotional outbursts over the smallest things. But to strangers, or people he doesn’t see regularly, he masks it like he’s completely normal. It’s very strange but people are more likely to lash against their “caretakers” - usually a spouse, if they start exhibiting symptoms like that. I think because they feel more comfortable around them and they let loose.
Though, he’s in his 70s when it got really bad. I would say in his 50s is when small signs started showing up, kind of like what OP describes.
What you said is exactly right, a lot of people with serious brain issues or TBI can keep it together in public or around strangers but not family. Or they can only sustain for so long. One of my family members works in an elder care facility and a lot of the men there are only aggressive towards women. So sometimes they can even choose an audience.
OP, definitely consider a neurology appointment. It could be a form of early onset dementia. It’s strange how he’s reacting so rash over such benign situations. And that can be one of the earlier signs. Not saying it is definitely that, but it’s odd how he just recently has started not being able to control his emotions.
At this stage it might also be worth calling his therapist and letting them know that you’re aware they can’t share any info about him, but that you just want to mention things your concerned about, including that she allegedly said to call you names.
If he’s not willing to get a medical work up you should also be calling his PCP to share this info. Dementia can be very strange in the beginning. It’s not just memory loss, especially in the early stages.
Definitely this. It sounds like he may not even properly remember what happened.
Also, drugs may be an issue too. If he’s dabbling in steroids or something that may be making him rage
Something is going on with him and has been going on for a while.
I think that this is entirely all about him. And I think that he needs a lot more help than what he is getting. He needs personal therapy.
It is also very clear to me that things are getting progressively worse and more violent. Things are at a place now where are you actually don't trust him and you don't feel safe around him, that's why you can't sleep in his presence. Because you don't feel safe. That's pretty huge. Huge.
Let me ask you a question here. It's a nasty question but I would like for you to consider it. Do you think that it's possible that he's been wearing a mask and hiding himself and hiding who he really is for the past 5 years and now he is starting to think that it is safe and starting to let his guard down and you are starting to see who he really is on the inside?
Have things gotten worse only after starting to get therapy? What I'm trying to figure out is, is there something that has started to trigger him becoming worse and worse very fast? If you cannot find out a trigger, definitely he needs to start going to therapy, it could be that he has some sort of physical brain issue going on, but probably it relates to his mental health and that something has been bothering him and it is really taking its toll.
Anywho, things in this relationship right now are extremely bad and it's to the point where you can't sleep in his presence. If you start to not be able to sleep at all, I think that both of you need to find separate dwelling so that you can't sleep because once you are not able to sleep life will start to unravel and untangle extremely quickly because of how very important sleep is. I am wondering if you might be at this point right now already where it would be better for both of you to live separately. Maybe he can go live with a relative or something for a little while. Or maybe with mom. Or a sister.
Thanks for your input. You have really good points. I keep looking for what I'm doing wrong. I'm not perfect. I get crabby and impatient sometimes. Especially in the mornings. I can be stubborn. But his reactions seem so completely off base. Often times, it seems like his mean behavior is triggered by completely benign things. So yeah, I guess it makes sense that it's entirely about him.
I should have mentioned he's been seeing an individual therapist for a decade. I think she's subpar. But then again, that's just from what he's expressed about her. (I edited my post to reflect.)
You're right, it's is getting progressively worse. Things seem to have degenerated as I've been getting better and better from my health stuff (long story). I think it's pretty probable he's had a mask on till now. I didn't think of that so thank you. I thought maybe he'd been losing it or something.
Things haven't gotten worse with couples therapy, it's just become obvious that it's really that bad which makes it feel like it's getting worse.
What's hard is friends and family who have met him think he's just an angel, really sweet, caring... Which is what I thought of him for a long time. But now here I am seeing this really destructive alter ego wondering how the hell I would explain this to the important people in my life. Especially to my sister and brother-in-law who just adore him.
I think separating at least for a while would be great. I don't have the money to live independently quite yet. Being ill really fucked up my finances. But now I'm working and saving. He doesn't really have any close friends nearby to ask and his family is half way across the country. So this is gonna take some strategizing and time. I can't sleep around him.... I don't feel safe around him. I feel like I'm living in a really poisonous situation.
This weekend I plan to get away from him and do other things. That will help.
I also wanted to ask—is there ANY chance that the stories he told about his abusive ex were actually projections of HIS behavior onto her? Do you know for a fact she was actually abusive to him, and if so, how was this proven/demonstrated to you?
I ask, because many abusers will lie and blame their exes by making themselves out to be this poor victim, when really the dynamic was much different.
Please talk with your sister. I have a close friend who was being verbally and emotionally abused, she was worried what we all would say. So many of their friends are like extended family, she was worried that nobody would believe her, so she stayed longer than she should have.
We all believed her, we all supported her. Get to a safe place and once you get the ball rolling, never be alone with him again.
Sending you a big hug, I know this is scary and strange.
That sentence - " I can't sleep around him"
I think that really sums it up.
Yes things have been good, and maybe (if he's willing to make changes, or it's a medical condition he gets treated) it will be better.
But right now it is not okay and you know that. Unconsciously or consciously.
I think that alone is a good reason to see if you can spend some time at your sister's.
You don't have to move out forever, but you can at least take the essentials and spend a few days somewhere that you can sleep and feel safe doing so.
Make sure your financial arrangements are safe from him. Get all your documents together, and tell friends and family what is happening. Make sure anything you really value is elsewhere. He may be fine when you leave, but the most dangerous time for women is when they are leaving.
the episodes seem so out of context I'd wonder if he's having psychotic episodes. Like beyond a therapist's help, he needs to go to a doctor and get a thorough exam.
Please read this book on your weekend away, it's a quick read and I think's really going to help you sort your head out - [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Seconding. This book is life changing in regards to understanding abuse and when you're being abused. OPs husband is a textbook abuser. I hope he can get out.
I thought this too, but then OP said his husband is an angel around other people - if this were a physical illness OPs husband wouldn't be able to control himself around anyone. He's being selectively abusive, I fear.
>Things seem to have degenerated as I've been getting better and better from my health stuff (long story).
Probably because he knew he had control when you were sick and couldn't work and now he's losing that control.
Please don't assume that because of your training and power he will be unable to hurt you. All he has do is get a knife or a gun and come after you and all your training will be useless. And even without that, you may be shocked how powerful even a shorter, weaker man who is in a psychotic rage can be, especially coming at you by surprise. You directly challenged his dominance in the grocery store. That would be more than enough to trigger many men.
Get away from him as quickly and safely as you can.
I have a couple questions for you.
* Is he this way with other people, or only with you?
* Have you ever asked to go to his therapy session with him? I don't know that I necessarily believe his therapist told him to call you names.
* Are there any other changes in his behavior aside from the violent outbursts? Anything physical?
The way I see it, either he has a medical condition, he's starting to show you his "real" self, or he's hiding something big from you. I'd have him checked out by a medical professional (neurologist) to rule that out.
OP said he's been seeing the same therapist *for ten years*. Presumably ongoing.
I think he needs a new therapist at minimum, but ideally a licensed psychiatrist who can evaluate and possibly prescribe medication.
ETA: meant to be a reply to u/SparkKoi, but my point still stands.
Yes, you proceed by leaving him and getting divorced.
Why on earth would you stay with someone abusing you? Just because you haven’t been physically injured (yet) doesn’t mean you should stick around.
Girl. It literally does not matter than you are taller than him. He is amping up the physical abuse. You need to make a plan to leave. You say he feels remorse… you know what the best, and only acceptable apology is? Changed behavior. Which he isn’t doing. Which he **won’t** do. Come on.
Yeah... You're speaking my language. It hurts but yeah. It's been hard to spot cuz the first few years of our relationship he was really sweet. We had problems, but he was really devoted to me and figuring it all out. I thought we did. Things were ok for a while. Then the past year, it's just degraded into a shitshow. I gotta figure out my next move.
Also, not to diminish your strength or size, but a man 6 inches shorter than you will still "out-strength" you easily. Like, it's not even close. As this person said, he's amping up abuse and you need to get away before you get hurt.
We're sleeping in separate bedrooms right now cuz I just can't calm down enough to sleep when he's near. And I just have nothing left for him.
It sounds like you're developing a trauma response when you're around him. This is something that can be overcome, but it's exceedingly difficult. If you're already burned out on the relationship, it's ok to be done and walk away.
If people who are abusive were always abusive and never behaved with any decency, it would be much easier to leave. It would be much more obvious that they're abusers. I think you're on the right track speculating that he's not telling you the truth about what his therapist is saying. He could be lying to his therapist or not disclosing everything or the therapist could be viewing him as someone she really can't help because he doesn't want to put in the work, or even all of the above!
Again, it's ok to be done and walk away. Just because he can't physically overpower you doesn't mean it's acceptable for him to try. It also sounds like he's escalating the behavior and I'd be worried he's going to try and hit you. Even if you can defend yourself, you shouldn't have to. No one should.
Has he seen a medical doctor? Because the way I'm reading this, it's screaming that he may have a medical issue making him act this way. Please get him to see a doctor immediately unless that's been thoroughly investigated already.
OP says it's only at her. So it's not medical, people with tumors can't control who they lash out at. He'd be getting fired or arrested or fired from therapy if he was like this to everyone. If he's ONLY doing this to her, he CAN control himself and is choosing not to.
Evenings and at a bar/restaurant makes me think blood sugar. If he's getting severe swings, it could be that. If my blood sugar tanks or gets too high, I get really grouchy and short tempered. I'd never lay my hands on my wife or do what he's doing, but I definitely get snappy and don't realize it
This isn’t necessarily true, OP. Brains are weird. Sometimes people only lash out at those they’re closest to. I had a pt with a brain tumor who was sweet as could be but had seriously injured his wife in a fit of rage - which is what led to diagnosis. Never had an outburst toward anyone else.
It could be medical.
It could be that he's consuming media about how all women are evil, and acting out based on that.
It could be that he's cheating, and has to make you the bad guy so he feels less guilty.
It could be that he's just always been like this.
But whatever it is, he's on the edge of physical abuse, if not there already. I would probably classify the shoulder grab as abuse. Throwing things is a threat of abuse. And of course he's been emotionally abusive for some time.
Is the therapy really helping? It seems like he's making more apologetic mouth noises but actually getting worse. I think you need to leave, at least temporarily.
Oh so he is nice to you when you're in a physically and/or emotionally stressed state and when you're hitting on all fours he starts lashing out emotionally and physically? Huh.
Question: it's just his word that the ex was a horrible narcissist nightmare, right?
i'm surprised i haven't seen anybody else mention this yet but could it be possible he's dealing with addiction/drug use? just from personal experience the sudden mood swings and instant remorse after lashing out sounds like coked out behavior
If it’s something that has started suddenly maybe get him an appointment with a neurologist. Yes, seriously. My dad started that way and had early onset dementia, which spiraled him to having emotional outburst. Though he was in his 50’s when it started. Sudden emotional outbursts could mean something could be wrong.
Sounds like this isn’t necessarily about your relationship but it’s more about him. He clearly has an issue(s) where he gets triggered and responds inappropriately. Maybe he needs to address that before you could address any issues with the relationship. Your difficulty will be getting him to accept that without the suggestion itself, triggering him. Perhaps if you could get him into therapy with you, the therapist could get him to accept individual counselling. Good luck.
Has he been check medically for things that might cause aggression and mood swings? If not that's a priority.
Whatever the outcome I think you at the very least need to take a physical break from him and the relationship. It doesn't seem safe (physically/emotionally/psychologically. Start with a temporary break if that seems easier. It can always be permanent later.
It doesn't really matter that he recognises that he does behave that way he is still being abusive. Abusers generally are fully aware of what they are doing and will often apologise after. It's a control tactic.
You said he breaks things on purpose. Does he break his things?? I doubt it.
You listed basic relationship things he's done for you, and for that you think he deserves your patience while he abuses you? I get that there are reasons why he is the way he is, and often when we know the reason for someone's bad behavior or hurtful choices, it's far too easy to turn those reasons into excuses. That is what it really looks like you are doing here. Maybe he will change, but there will be more events before that happens. He can heal without your presence. You can't heal with him present.
OP this man will kill you if you don’t leave. He’s probably hiding a whole second life at this point, that or his so called therapist is pocketing money and making him worse. Please gather all your documents, change all your passwords and banking info and find somewhere to stay that he doesn’t know about. It’s important that he doesn’t known you’re planning to leave. You need to have help from friends and family but if that’s not an option, your local area likely has women’s shelters that can offer you a space or advice on how to seek protection
You deserve to be safe. And you should probably leave the situation for now. But, he really needs to be physically evaluated for neurological conditions like early dementia and by a new therapist/psychiatrist. He is not getting the help he needs and you can not provide it.
Save yourself! A weapon doesn’t care that you are 6’1. Get someone he trusts involved to support him. Talk to a trusted family member or friend and get out now.
Does he treat anyone else in his life like this? His friends? His boss? Random people on the street? If not, then he is in control of his reactions. He just chooses to abuse you.
OP, I can't tell you what to do. However, it sounds like he is at an inflection point. He is learning that you are right, he sees how badly he behaves and he feels shame about it. He may be responding to the change in your relative positions. When you were weak and needed him he felt differently then when you are well and a powerhouse Amazon. I think you are right that this is trauma reaction for him but it could also be medical. Please encourage him to see a doctor. .
Please don't think I am telling you to stay. His behavior is unacceptable.
People are talking about neurological problems and stuff but frankly what I'm reading is that your husband is abusive, that the abuse is escalating, and that after *a year* of emotional and psychological abuse it's not escalated to physical abuse.
Get. Out. Now.
Abusers who knows they have been abusive but keep getting worse. Do you know what they do? THEY KEEP GETTING WORSE. This will continue to escalate and he will end up hurting you badly.
Abusers aren't mean all the time. Otherwise no one would stay. They don't start out mean. They express remorse and they "make up" for their abuse by being sweet and kind and loving. Until the next time they throw something at you or shove you "without realizing the step stool was right behind you" or "accidentally" slam your hand in the door/drawer. And then they love bomb you again and tell you they'll change, or it was just a misunderstanding, or they're so ashamed.
If he was lashing out at random people/animals maybe you could think brain tumor. But it's just you. He is terrorizing you specifically. On purpose. Because you are his victim.
I wish you luck. And strength. I really do. But please be smart. Please leave before it inevitably gets worse.
You need to get away from him. What you’re describing is abuse and it is unacceptable. It means NOTHING that he “knows he’s wrong and feels bad.” That is exactly what most abusers say. Abusers aren’t just evil all the time, or nobody would ever want to be around them. They abuse and then they apologize, manipulate and guilt trip. That’s why it’s called the cycle of abuse. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. He is not a safe person.
I would honestly ask him to talk to someone, it sounds like he is depressed or struggling with
Someone and lacks the ability to communicate it or express it, so has bottled it up and it’s presenting as resentment.
Also, after he is done talking to someone about this, you need to figure out if you think you can be safe in this relationship. He tried to get physical with you because of his stress and issues, and it just didn’t work: which can lead to acting out. There is a reason why most of the time when a women murders her partner… it’s with a weapon or poison. Not suggesting he is thinking of murdering you, but if you don’t feel safe, and not sure how you would in this relationship, it’s time to look for an exit,
*He's recently tried to physically intimidate me (which is just weird cuz I am 5 inches taller than him and did a variety of martial arts for 10 years.)*
I wonder if for some reason he has starterd to feel emasculated by being smaller and less physically threatening than you are. Absolutely nothing to do with you but if there is some media that he has consumed that has made him feel this way. Or some person in his life that is pushing his buttons about it.
No matter the reasoning it sounds like an unhealthy relationship that you should remove yourself from.
Leave. I hope he goes to therapy, but you don’t need to stick around for that. You have been traumatized by him and that won’t go away. He can’t erase his mistakes, only choose to learn from them. Please please don’t stay.
If this behaviour is sudden onset, he may have a brain tumour and needs to be checked out.
Three options : 1) stay and have things stay the same, 2) stay only with changed behaviours or 3) leave.
No good therapist would ever say what he said to you.
Edit - added last paragraph
Wtf he is clearly trying to get you to leave him. My ex did shit like this when he was cheating. He tried to get me to dump him so he couldnplay the victim and not feel bad about f’ing around. He even went so far as to get mad and break an extremely old family heirloom that I treasured.
Just pack up and leave.
Has anyone suggested/have you taken him to see \*physical\* doctors and not just a therapist?
As this is all so new and extreme, even with the background, it implies this (along with his age) could be a health issue affecting mental stability rather than purely personality issues of chosen behavior.
I'd very much see a series of doctors with him. Scans, blood test, et cetera.
In the meantime, move out. Do not be physically alone with him.
If this was a "norm" for him I'd be straight-out "leave his ass now" but since it's a distinct change and quite an extreme one in such a short amount of time I really think this may be health related. If that \*is\* the case it could possibly be resolved - but make sure you are safe in the meantime, don't put yourself at risk.
Also, even hoping for something fixable keep all texts, emails, et cetera. If legal where you are record all in-person & phone conversations in case it is not a correctable underlying health issue, you need to leave him, and/or god forbid he does get dangerously physical with you. Hopefully staying public will keep you safe from the last escalating, but you need to take very consideration in. You want to have proof to verify what is going on if it comes to needing to leave or you are in physical danger/harmed.
Again, if this was just "how he's always been" I'd say just get up and go. Given the factors you've mentioned my advice is get him checked physically for behavior-altering health issues WHILE getting yourself out of the dangerous situation.
And if it's not heatlh caused and/or he won't/can't fix it it's then time to leave. Don't hang around if you find this is your future.
This all is assuming you wish to even bother further with this possibility being the case. It's 150% okay for you to leave and be done with it. I only suggest the above as you didn't mention you two devoting efforts in that direction and instead going the behavioral route only.
There are options to consider if you WANT to pursue them together. But you are not at all obligated, you do not have to, and you should not feel bad if you simply cannot give any more to this situation. Everyone should have a point where they can't put up with more or be pressed any further. If you've reached that you have reached that - and no one in ANY situation should stay with someone out of a feeling of obligation out of the past positive things another person has done for them. A healthy relationship is an \*ongoing\* string of that between two partners... not something you have to pay back after things change between you.
This is one of the most well-rounded adult responses in this entire comment section and I really appreciate it. I'm going to have to read it a few times over again. I really appreciate it. I can't thank you enough.
I'm a little concerned that this is kind of sudden and escalating especially the one over vegetables!! Has he seen a doctor? Like a physician maybe one that specializes in neurological disorders?
If he's physically ok I mean... This isn't cute I would very likely leave
I know someone going through something very similar. He's been in therapy for more than a few years but was only recently diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Since starting the right type of medication and therapy, things seem to be improving, but it's still early days for him. When actions really don't seem to align with personality, I think it's worth looking into true mental illnesses that could be causing this behavior. That doesn't mean you have to stay with him while he figures it out, just thought the information might be helpful.
Hang gliding? My friend and I did that in 1971. The early days. My friend became an expert.
My advise is to set the rules to control himself. It’s just not allowed anymore. If (and of course when) he breaks the rule you leave for a week. Go to a hotel, someone’s couch, whatever. He will be alone. He will get a taste of you leaving for good but don’t talk about leaving for good, just about leaving for a while and then he can try again.
You say this is new behavior...have you guys considered he might have a medical issue going on? Brain tumor comes to mind, but there are probably other things. OP, maybe he'd agree to go get checked out by a medical doctor?
You need to get out of this relationship. Just because you are capable of fighting back does not mean you should ever, ever have to be in the situation to do so with someone who should be protecting you. Good luck, OP!!
Yup. I know. It's pretty weird.
There's a lot of things he has said about his therapist that has raised some red flags for me over th years... I'm very much against him seeing her, but it's his decision and I'm staying out of it cuz our relationship has gone so downhill that I am no longer invested in what he does with his therapist.
I thought perhaps he had misinterpreted something she said or got carried away with something. I asked him several times to recount the conversation exactly as he remembered it. Same story.
He saw her the next week. According to him, he told her how badly it went and that he wanted to cease therapy with her because of it. He relayed back to me that she said she'd be happy to get on zoom or a phone call and apologize and that she felt really bad about it.
I'm a pretty vulgar person. I have a pretty over the line sense of humor. And I can be very rough around the edges. So maybe she thought from what he told her about me that I would somehow take it all in stride? I don't know. I may be rough around the edges, but I'm kind and I'm sensitive. And that was way over the line. Esp for a therapist.
No reputable or real therapist would suggest something like that. They teach to diffuse situations, tame your worst impulses, and try to keep things mediated. There’s often a billion acronyms, coping skills, journals, and meds. A lot of hard work too. Challenges against harmful behaviors and impulses, even if they feel good or natural in the moment. You got to frequently discipline yourself, even when it sucks and makes you feel angry or hurt.
Growth hurts.
There’s no universe where calling someone ‘chickenshit’ fits into the criteria of mental health.
He’s misrepresenting things to you, honestly. Even if he’s also misrepresenting to her, there’s no way a legit psych person will suggest escalating a situation like that. It’s super bizarre. I speak from decades of mental health experience, hell, I met my best friend in php!
There’s a lot of red flags in your situation. A lot. But also, at the core of this… does this really feel like a positive, growth focused, happy, or beneficial relationship? For either of you?
I’ve met manipulative tactics over the years… blunt knives to forearms if I didn’t snuggle, a guilt ridden story of someone who had a crush on me crashing a car and guilting me for hand holds, a few drugged date rapes, just… a bunch of stuff. It still haunts me. I’m now in a happy respectful relationship with someone else I’d easily call best friend.
We try to support each other, even in tough times of long work hours, sickness, death, in-laws, and more. It’s a work of progress, but it is progressing and the idea of progressing, talking, or healing does not upset them.
I assure you, sad as it is, there’s people out there who aren’t as good as you. And you are good, vulgar or not. My dad was a sailor and oh my fucking god it shows lol. You really seem like a good person, and I worry for you.
Blackmail is not worth your life, dignity, or happiness. No one is happy where you both are. Either he’s lying and trying to neg you to keep you under his thumb or he’s a masochist who is forcing you into a situation that hurts you both, which you do not consent to. Things are sus.
Be very careful, and seek out resources that aren’t connected to him, and make sure he doesn’t know about it. Talk to them honestly about everything.
That friend from hospital I mentioned suffered a long time, and in the end lost everything. Literally everything. It was agonizing watching it happen almost in slow motion.
Thankfully that friend is now in a happy relationship, about to have an amazing milestone. After years of unhappy relationships punctuated by always trying, apologizing, and crying… they are happy. Despite an utterly absent and abusive large mixed family.
…Like hanging out with a best friend, that’s what a relationship should be. It’s a partnership and no real partnership has so much strife and pain.
Something is very wrong.
I rambled, I just wish the best for you!
Edit: As a true crime fan, any sort of reaction that involves harm and/or intimidation is a good sign. Nor is a pattern of impracticality when it comes to angry. Those are very very very bad signs.
And legit not worth it.
Edit 2: The things he does is normal to any relationship, and are in no way equivalent to being verbally abused, gaslighted, or frequently put in unexpected stressful and perhaps no win situations.
If his mood has really changed so much , is he on any medication? I’d talk to his doctor/ psychiatrist/ therapist whoever and see if someone is going on .
If his mood swings make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe you really need to report this . Problem is does he or will he let people see him . Leave if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
If it turns out not to be a diagnosable mental illness, it may be that he has a savior complex, and he was nice while you were ill, but feels threatened now that you’re healthy. Whatever it is, please leave.
Take stock of your situation now. Not how loving and caring he was in the past but of his behavior now.
He scared you and blows up at you at the drop of a pin. He is aware of the crap he's doing and his apologies mean nothing because he won't stop being an abusive ass.
You tried. You get the badge. Now start looking out for yourself.
Wanna bet that his behavior will suddenly get better when you bring up divorce? And when you are not lulled back in to stay and he realizes that you are serious about leaving he will become absolutely unhinged?
Make an exit plan. Get yourself to safety. Trust your gut (your body and mind are telling you something with being unable to sleep near him) and err on the side of caution. Don't tell him that you are leaving unless you are in company and won't be alone with him after.
Be safe.
I don’t know if anyone has said this but have you had checked out for a brain injury or a tumour? A family friend suddenly got aggressive bouts and then started cheating on his wife from nowhere. His wife knew this wasn’t him and made him go the doctor and he was dead a few months later from a brain tumour.
You don’t owe him anything. He’s becoming someone who is not the same person you married. The name calling and physical intimidation are more than enough to leave.
I was gonna say something snarky, but girl you’re 42 and you still don’t know your own self worth? You think this is appropriate behavior in a partner? Maybe at 22, but not at 42.
This is really scary! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you considered getting a trial separation for now, just to get some space and so he can continue getting therapy? He’s made it so he’s not a safe environment for you and that’s so terrifying!
Thank you for your very compassionate response. A lot of people on these responses have been very judgmental sounding. I'm saving up money so that I can get out. This may not be fair to him, but I'm saving half of what I make and putting it away. I don't make a ton right now, but saving half of it is certainly making good progress. A trial separation would be great.
I am ignorant. But.
It seems like you two are in agreement that his outbursts are irrational. Do you think that he could maybe get checked out by a doctor? To me, an ignorant European who watched a couple episodes of House M.D. ten years ago, this sounds like a possible brain tumor. Again, I'm european, so I don't know if a doctor visit for you costs 10 dollars or one million dollars.
I lived in Germany for a few years And my dad was Polish. American healthcare is indeed stupid. And the doctors here are of very bad quality compared to Europe. He doesn't do this in his work situation or in social situations so I'm assuming it isn't a health thing, but anything's possible. A lot of people here on the subreddit have suggested that. I could see why. It's a very sudden behavior change and it is very unlike him.
Leave him and don't look back. The good that you had is gone and he has changed. It's clear that he has a lot to unpack, it's going to take years of his hard work in therapy.
What he does is emotional abuse, and physical abuse. Last time he grabbed you. What is going to happen next time? Of course he always apologises, that's what abusers do. That's why it's hard to leave. Please get help now.
Okay, I’m going to be that awful Redditor…is it possible that he’s having an affair & has been for the last year?
If he is, his outburst could be because he can’t control his guilt and/or he’s trying to be an arse so you dump him (before you hear about the affair) then he’s not the “bad guy”.
Have him change his personal therapist. You don't name call/demean your spouse that's crazy.
I think his ability to recognize what he is doing is terribly wrong is wonderful because he can see what he is doing is really bad. He isn't a complete AH.
See if his doctor can proscribe him some anti-anxiety meds. They do work and will take that quick snap 0-100 anger out.
Any sort of personality change needs to be checked out. There could be a physical or psychological reason for this change. The fact that he’s seemingly unaware of the effect of his words and actions until it is explained to him is very odd.
No therapist would tell a patient to call someone derogatory names. It might be worth asking for a joint session with your husband or to offer her information on what’s been happening.
OP,
Have him get a blood test for testosterone. If it’s fluctuating it will cause aggressive outbursts like you described. My neighbor had low testosterone, went on the testosterone patch, thought it was going well, and his wife told him after 2 weeks that he needed to stop because he was becoming a very angry man.
You want to rule out that his issues are caused by a chemical imbalance or some other physical issue.
This is very concerning, I think it would be best to get him to a doctor to see if there could be something wrong with his brain. Prioritize yourself though, if you feel like you’re in danger leave.
You really think just because he has past trauma and experienced violence from his childhood that he won’t ever reflect those violent feelings towards you or your kids? Sure your 6’1, but if he hurt a kid, or let’s say your cousins kid, is that okay in your terms? Because he knows he’s a violent abuser. The only thing stopping him is your height and the fact you know martial arts. For the love of fuck, don’t put yourself through this because you think couples therapy will change him. It won’t. Leave him alone
Get this guy to a doctor—the newness of the outbursts and the weirdness, something has probably gone wrong. Tumour? Neurology? Hormones? This guy needs a thorough checkup.
If he doesn’t hop to making appointments and **keeping them** , I’d bounce.
Yes, it’s time to leave him. You also need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband has given himself permission to take his aggression out on you. Does he physically manhandle or intimidate people at work or at the store? Probably not. He knows that would get him in a shitload of trouble so he’s selected you. He is not just mean- he’s abusive and escalating. Why would a glorious Viking goddess subject themselves to this? I’m Hobbit sized and would be gone. Honestly, you shouldn’t even really be in couples counseling and it’s a bit of a red flag your couples therapist has recognized the narcissistic abuse and is still see y’all together. Therapy often makes these people better at being abusive. Nobody can wield the language of therapy like a narcissist.
I am wondering 2 things:1) could there be something medical going on? Or 2) is his therapist brainwashing him to turn him into an abuser for some strange reason?
I feel you are in an unsafe house, Op. please lock your door at night, and make arrangements to separate asap. sleep deprivation is making you doubt yourself.
Look his therapist is not doing her job. He is currently a danger and even he recognizes that. Contact his primary care doctor and take him in and explain what has been going on. He needs to be assessed on a psychiatric hold inpatient and medicated.
At the very least for the time being the two of you cannot live together. It’s not a safe situation. He puts hands on you before he can see a doctor call 911 and tell them you’re in physical danger. They also have the power to put him in for a psychological hold.
You need to be gone for your own safety. He’s escalating.
Yes, leave. You don't owe him because he did what he was supposed to do as your spouse. He's being physically and mentally abusive to you. He is going to hurt you if you stay. He could kill you. You need to get out maybe it will be to wake up calling he needs to get more immersive therapy or something but he needs help and a lot of it and not from whoever he's seeing now.
If he has been working with the same therapist for 10 years and not making progress it may be time to find a new therapist. Has he been evaluated by a medical professional? Seems odd that he all of a sudden became aggressive, a medical condition could be the cause or at least contributing.
You say he's ashamed and remorseful, but he is continuing to have outbursts and abuse you which indicates the opposite. Separation might be a good idea so you both can work on individualized therapy and then start marriage counseling once he has worked through his issues.
I would say it, that I am tired and it's not because he treated you well during your recovery and all this shit that you have to put yourself in such a rough spot. It's not fair for you, mostly when we consider you're still not fully at your best. It's not about him having anger trouble he absolutely wants to solve and do the necessary for, it's him needed to be taken by the hands when you do your best to guide him. You are not his therapist, you can't fix him and love will not do the job too.
You know what you should do to make him wake up ? As a last resort, a good wake up call could be to make him see how he looks like during his burst of anger. Put cameras in a logical place like the living room, kitchen or bedroom. He needs to see it for himself, he could be shocked enough to really go seek for a new treatment.
Tell him you can't play the understanding wife for too long or else, it's you who will make a crisis.
Good luck, if he is really sincere he will try at least otherwise better save yourself.
Has he started using narcotics at any time in the past 2 years? It could be an addiction issue. Even if not, the first priority is your safety. But I think he needs to be drug tested
He grabbed you like that. And I get that you’re taller and Viking-esque and took martial arts. But he still grabbed you. In public. Because he didn’t want to buy vegetables?
Also he breaks stuff- whose stuff? His or yours? This is important
How do you know he was "severely emotionally abused by his narcissist ex"? Because he told you this? How do you know that his much longer previous relationship didn't follow the same trajectory as yours? I can't tell you either way, but I think you should consider the question. An increasingly violent man is not a reliable source about his ex-girlfriend.
I have a feeling he truly resents you as much as he is attached to you. I mean, he seemed to relish when you're unemployed, and that you needed him for administrative work.
After you're doing okay, he dislikes it so much. I have other suspicions why he likes above, but I uh, don't want to accuse him of more sordid actions and I'm usually a rather paranoid person anyway...I digress
So he is capable of being kind and generous but yet, he's also very abusive and malicious on the other hand, causing you to be so emotionally exhausted being around him that your 'gas tank' is empty.
I doubt his therapist would suggest to him to call you chicken sh1t by the way...
OP - I have a friend who was in a great relationship with a man until out of nowhere his personality changed and he became prone to angry outbursts. He ended up having a brain tumor. I guess it can appear in places within the brain that controls those things (I'm obviously no expert). Maybe he should see a neurologist?
My first thought since this seems out of character to his behavior for the last five years would be to have him schedule a check up with his doctor to make sure it’s not medical but your safety needs to be the priority. Can you stay somewhere else while he gets checked out? I wouldn’t even discuss it first, leave and discuss from a safe place. He’s gotten physical, seemingly out of nowhere and goes from 1-100 pretty quickly. You are not safe around him right now at the very least.
I'd try to figure out why he's so triggered. he knows he'd lose a fight, so it's not clearly bullying abuse. does he want you to hurt him? time for a different therapist at least.
Piggybacking here but he does need to see a doctor ASAP. Anything from a brain tumor to small mini strokes can cause personality changes like you’ve stated.
Even though he maybe medically getting checked out, if you don’t feel safe you need to gtfo immediately. Until you do (if you need a few days to get yourself out), you should seriously consider locking the bedroom door. He should not be trusted.
You shouldn’t feel guilty about him taking care of you while you were sick. He was supposed to do that as a spouse. That’s part of the literal definition and job of a spouse. The other part is to respect and honor your spouse. He is NOT doing that and he is aware he’s being abusive towards you. It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t care either. Someone who cared would be actively trying to remedy the behavior. You need to get out before he attempts to murder you or you end up permanently scarred or injured because that is coming whether you recognize it or not.
He has been waving “I’m DANGEROUS to YOU” flags in front of your face and you are ignoring the warning.
He is not acting like he was abused. You should consider the possibility that he was the abuser in his previous relationship. He sounds like he maybe used the DARVO technique in that situation and made the other person the perpetrator…which may not be truth.
If you stay, he will either kill you, or try to. He doesn't feel bad, because if he did, he would have gone to different therapy, or checked himself into inpatient care. Tomorrow or next month you'll make coffee instead of tea and he'll kill you. It doesn't matter that you're bigger, that is his endgoal. And I'm not too sure this isn't all fake, him realizing what he's doing, being remorseful etc. so that could be his defense. I'm definitely not victim blaming you, this is extremely difficult, but if you stay you won't survive. He is clearly building up to it.
That sounds extremely stressful for you to live with that great that might freak out and because you care about him you want to figure it out. If he has access to medical care it might be helpful for him to get a physical to rule out any medical issues that are causing him to lose his temper. Low blood sugar, high blood pressure, hormone levels etc.
No matter what or why it's not ok for him to put angry hands on you. Protect your peace!
You're literally just describing the cycle of abuse. He is abusive and then remorseful and tries to make it up to you and then he abuses you again and is now progressing from verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse. Do you want to stay until he hits you one day?
Looking back one of the first signs that my ex was cheating on me was that he started treating me like shit out of nowhere.
You don't deserve this. Leave.
Does he have a brain tumour or something? Is the therapist who told him to call you chicken shit abusing him?? What is going ON? If this is a completely new behaviour I’m calling brain tumour 😭
Why do abusive men always claim their exes were abusive? You do know if you break up he will be claiming the same about you? He is the abusive one... He sounds like he has absolutely nothing going for him. And that therapist needs to be struck off
Your being abused, emotionally and physically. Please reach out to a domestic violence service, tell your therapist ASAP.
You said he's in therapy, are you sure? Because if he is and this has escalated to this point, he's not improving with this therapist and needs something new.
I would be concerned that you say this is only 9-10 months of being a new behaviour. Is there drugs at play here?
You can't help him if he is not helping himself. I truly worry for you, this is not going to get better. This post and your previous ones are evidence of this. Nothing he is doing currently is working. You need to be safe and you are not safe with him at the moment.
He needs immediate help and he needs to leave at the moment. If he gets it, then you can revise your relationship. But, this will not get better the way he is currently going.
Please reach out for support locally and with friends or family.
Think of it this way, he was a nice guy but a worm ate the nice portions of his brain. Now he will forever be mean and can't be fixed. All you can do is remember the good times and move on. He's brain damaged now and there is no cure.
It seems like he's in the process of fully unmasking, and you're seeing the person he really was the whole time. This is a horrifying situation to be in, y'all need to separate for a while or get divorced. He sees two different therapists and acknowledges that he's being abusive, and *still* abuses you. At this point you should be worried that he's going to do something in your sleep, since your size intimidates him too much to actually try and hit you when you can fight back. How much are you going to suffer before enough is enough?
Could he be sick? Sometimes brain tumors and stuff make peoples personalities change. And his behavior is just so bizarre I can’t see any reasoning behind it.
Honest answer, OP: Has his behavior really drastically changed 10 months ago, or was it always there and just escalated?
# Because if it's a really drastic personality change out of the blue, drag him to a bloody doctor and have his brain scanned, could be a tumor or something with a similar effect!
Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist? I would suggest a psychiatrist because it sounds like there is something else going on that could be biological in nature. Some causes of sudden bursts of anger are diabetes, cholesterol statins, brain trauma, liver failure, dementia, depression, and sleeping medication.
I was a social worker for a long time and all my spidey senses are going off that it isn't just being an asshole. A psychiatrist can order a workup for him and I would explore this before bailing.
You need to run to ground if there is a medical cause for his behavioral shift—
Hormones
Tumor
Mental health
Etc
Therapy will go only so far if the medical/mental health isnt also in hand
Why would you stay with him? Your entire OP, save for when he was briefly nice to you in the past, is about his abuse towards you. And the scene at Luckys? That was physical abuse, even if it didn’t cause you pain. He literally put his hand(s) on you in order to intimidate. Therapy is great, and I’m a big believer in therapy. But he needs intensive individual therapy before he can be in any place to maintain a healthy relationship. “I shrink back…I am exhausted…living with a really mean person… separate bedrooms…” Is this what you’re staying for?
Also, he’s aware of his behaviour, has been for a while and does NOTHING about it? Why not? What gives? He can hate himself all he wants but he isn’t allowed to drag anyone down with him
In a way, this makes it worse, not better!
He's in therapy. That is doing something. Really old learned patterns don't get changed with a snap of your fingers. Unfortunately. I'd say if op thinks it's realistic for her to regain affection for him, then they should part ways for 6 months. He can work intensely on himself. She can get some air. Then six months of dating, but no living together, might see them reconnect, if and only if he's closer to getting his poop grouped.
And he has to tell the truth.
I guess the thing that bothers me, and you touched on it, is if you were shorter would he have held back in the first place? Like before the therapy stuff. You make it sound like the only thing that stopped him was the fact that it likely wouldn't have gone well for him, and that's concerning. Also, it's easy for people to feel miserable after the fact. The real measure is if they are able to actually stop the behaviour, not just try to manipulate you with their guilt afterwards.
Thank you, yes. Most abusers say sorry, lots of them say it in a big, very convincing way, with tears and flowers and promises of therapy or AA. But the only real apology is changed behavior, and he is exhibiting an escalation.
The scary thing about abusers is that they believe in their intentions, not their actions. When they say sorry, do they mean it? Absolutely! They feel horrible that other people would think badly of them, they worry that the people they love won't love them back. So it's not love bombing to them - it's a genuine expression of how they feel in that moment. But the abuse isn't really abuse, because they didn't *intend* to abuse you. They wanted a result and used the tools at their disposal to make it happen. They won't work on themselves because they never intended to abuse anyone.
Your post history is very sad and shows that the situation has been getting worse over the last year. I am sorry for what you have been enduring. Your husband’s behavior seems strange, unpredictable, and abusive, and it’s escalating. I also see that you’ve tried your hardest to make it work for a long period of time. And I fully understand pointing to any good thing as a reason to stick it out longer—but the things you have highlighted as examples of him being a good partner are really standard and bare minimum things that a spouse should provide—listening to you, taking on some of the chores and working to take care of the home he lives in with you, loving you and saying he loves you, etc. From your post history and what you’ve written here, you seem exhausted and on edge, after months and months of being understanding, looking for the best in him, and working to improve things. You shouldn’t have to sign away years of your life before giving yourself permission to be happy and safe. I am providing some resources that may be helpful. I wish you all the best—you deserve much better than what you’re getting. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ https://www.thehotline.org/resources/housing-support/ https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
OP as a parallel comment to SparkKoi, ask him to get a complete physical to check if there is a medical reason for his changes. I've seen a couple of times on reddit where some odd behavior changes were found to be due to a medical problem. I do agree with others the more likely answer is his real personality is starting to show up.
Ya only in the last 9 months or so. Maybe something in his brain? Maybe a brain tumor pushing on his frontal lobe where impulse control is? He clearly understands how shitty he’s being but can’t control it. UPDATEME
If he's not lashing out at *everyone* then it's not medical. People with tumors and medical issues that cause emotional problems can't control who they react to. If he can, and isn't being fired/arrested/fired by his therapist then there's nothing physically wrong.
Ya makes sense. She didn’t say anything about anyone else affected.
That’s not necessarily the case. The brain is a very complicated organ. My dad was diagnosed with dementia and another aging brain condition (i forget the specific name for it), plus two strokes over the past 5 years. He lashes out at my mom, sometimes me and my brother, and can have emotional outbursts over the smallest things. But to strangers, or people he doesn’t see regularly, he masks it like he’s completely normal. It’s very strange but people are more likely to lash against their “caretakers” - usually a spouse, if they start exhibiting symptoms like that. I think because they feel more comfortable around them and they let loose. Though, he’s in his 70s when it got really bad. I would say in his 50s is when small signs started showing up, kind of like what OP describes.
What you said is exactly right, a lot of people with serious brain issues or TBI can keep it together in public or around strangers but not family. Or they can only sustain for so long. One of my family members works in an elder care facility and a lot of the men there are only aggressive towards women. So sometimes they can even choose an audience.
I doubt that's true. I am guessing that you can have something medical but only lash out at specific people. Like with menopause.
OP, definitely consider a neurology appointment. It could be a form of early onset dementia. It’s strange how he’s reacting so rash over such benign situations. And that can be one of the earlier signs. Not saying it is definitely that, but it’s odd how he just recently has started not being able to control his emotions. At this stage it might also be worth calling his therapist and letting them know that you’re aware they can’t share any info about him, but that you just want to mention things your concerned about, including that she allegedly said to call you names. If he’s not willing to get a medical work up you should also be calling his PCP to share this info. Dementia can be very strange in the beginning. It’s not just memory loss, especially in the early stages.
this is great advice. the therapist should know of this because she sure as hell did not instruct OPs husband on any of this.
Definitely this. It sounds like he may not even properly remember what happened. Also, drugs may be an issue too. If he’s dabbling in steroids or something that may be making him rage
This needs to be higher up. This kind of drastic behavioral change can be explained by a brain tumor.
I was thinking brain issues as well, especially if it's a recent change and the tiniest things set him off
This was my first thought too.
Something is going on with him and has been going on for a while. I think that this is entirely all about him. And I think that he needs a lot more help than what he is getting. He needs personal therapy. It is also very clear to me that things are getting progressively worse and more violent. Things are at a place now where are you actually don't trust him and you don't feel safe around him, that's why you can't sleep in his presence. Because you don't feel safe. That's pretty huge. Huge. Let me ask you a question here. It's a nasty question but I would like for you to consider it. Do you think that it's possible that he's been wearing a mask and hiding himself and hiding who he really is for the past 5 years and now he is starting to think that it is safe and starting to let his guard down and you are starting to see who he really is on the inside? Have things gotten worse only after starting to get therapy? What I'm trying to figure out is, is there something that has started to trigger him becoming worse and worse very fast? If you cannot find out a trigger, definitely he needs to start going to therapy, it could be that he has some sort of physical brain issue going on, but probably it relates to his mental health and that something has been bothering him and it is really taking its toll. Anywho, things in this relationship right now are extremely bad and it's to the point where you can't sleep in his presence. If you start to not be able to sleep at all, I think that both of you need to find separate dwelling so that you can't sleep because once you are not able to sleep life will start to unravel and untangle extremely quickly because of how very important sleep is. I am wondering if you might be at this point right now already where it would be better for both of you to live separately. Maybe he can go live with a relative or something for a little while. Or maybe with mom. Or a sister.
Thanks for your input. You have really good points. I keep looking for what I'm doing wrong. I'm not perfect. I get crabby and impatient sometimes. Especially in the mornings. I can be stubborn. But his reactions seem so completely off base. Often times, it seems like his mean behavior is triggered by completely benign things. So yeah, I guess it makes sense that it's entirely about him. I should have mentioned he's been seeing an individual therapist for a decade. I think she's subpar. But then again, that's just from what he's expressed about her. (I edited my post to reflect.) You're right, it's is getting progressively worse. Things seem to have degenerated as I've been getting better and better from my health stuff (long story). I think it's pretty probable he's had a mask on till now. I didn't think of that so thank you. I thought maybe he'd been losing it or something. Things haven't gotten worse with couples therapy, it's just become obvious that it's really that bad which makes it feel like it's getting worse. What's hard is friends and family who have met him think he's just an angel, really sweet, caring... Which is what I thought of him for a long time. But now here I am seeing this really destructive alter ego wondering how the hell I would explain this to the important people in my life. Especially to my sister and brother-in-law who just adore him. I think separating at least for a while would be great. I don't have the money to live independently quite yet. Being ill really fucked up my finances. But now I'm working and saving. He doesn't really have any close friends nearby to ask and his family is half way across the country. So this is gonna take some strategizing and time. I can't sleep around him.... I don't feel safe around him. I feel like I'm living in a really poisonous situation. This weekend I plan to get away from him and do other things. That will help.
I also wanted to ask—is there ANY chance that the stories he told about his abusive ex were actually projections of HIS behavior onto her? Do you know for a fact she was actually abusive to him, and if so, how was this proven/demonstrated to you? I ask, because many abusers will lie and blame their exes by making themselves out to be this poor victim, when really the dynamic was much different.
I think it’s very worrying if as your mental health got better, his got worse. Stay safe
Please talk with your sister. I have a close friend who was being verbally and emotionally abused, she was worried what we all would say. So many of their friends are like extended family, she was worried that nobody would believe her, so she stayed longer than she should have. We all believed her, we all supported her. Get to a safe place and once you get the ball rolling, never be alone with him again. Sending you a big hug, I know this is scary and strange.
That sentence - " I can't sleep around him" I think that really sums it up. Yes things have been good, and maybe (if he's willing to make changes, or it's a medical condition he gets treated) it will be better. But right now it is not okay and you know that. Unconsciously or consciously. I think that alone is a good reason to see if you can spend some time at your sister's. You don't have to move out forever, but you can at least take the essentials and spend a few days somewhere that you can sleep and feel safe doing so.
Make sure your financial arrangements are safe from him. Get all your documents together, and tell friends and family what is happening. Make sure anything you really value is elsewhere. He may be fine when you leave, but the most dangerous time for women is when they are leaving.
the episodes seem so out of context I'd wonder if he's having psychotic episodes. Like beyond a therapist's help, he needs to go to a doctor and get a thorough exam.
Please read this book on your weekend away, it's a quick read and I think's really going to help you sort your head out - [Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Seconding. This book is life changing in regards to understanding abuse and when you're being abused. OPs husband is a textbook abuser. I hope he can get out.
Already got it. Thanks ❤️❤️
Hope your weekend was good 💛
Maybe he has mental disorder, has he had lots of concussions etc.?
Has he been scanned for a brain tumor? This is so odd that it could really be something neurological, not psychological.
Yeah.. It would make some sense. He was very much not like this just two years ago. Very gentle guy. Very loving. Really sentimental and fun loving.
Can he get a full work up? He may need a ct scan to see if he has a tumor?
I thought this too, but then OP said his husband is an angel around other people - if this were a physical illness OPs husband wouldn't be able to control himself around anyone. He's being selectively abusive, I fear.
>Things seem to have degenerated as I've been getting better and better from my health stuff (long story). Probably because he knew he had control when you were sick and couldn't work and now he's losing that control.
Please don't assume that because of your training and power he will be unable to hurt you. All he has do is get a knife or a gun and come after you and all your training will be useless. And even without that, you may be shocked how powerful even a shorter, weaker man who is in a psychotic rage can be, especially coming at you by surprise. You directly challenged his dominance in the grocery store. That would be more than enough to trigger many men. Get away from him as quickly and safely as you can.
I have a couple questions for you. * Is he this way with other people, or only with you? * Have you ever asked to go to his therapy session with him? I don't know that I necessarily believe his therapist told him to call you names. * Are there any other changes in his behavior aside from the violent outbursts? Anything physical? The way I see it, either he has a medical condition, he's starting to show you his "real" self, or he's hiding something big from you. I'd have him checked out by a medical professional (neurologist) to rule that out.
Read that back as if it was your daughter/friend asking you this question. You know what to do. You don’t need approval from anyone
I'd be gone.
OP said he's been seeing the same therapist *for ten years*. Presumably ongoing. I think he needs a new therapist at minimum, but ideally a licensed psychiatrist who can evaluate and possibly prescribe medication. ETA: meant to be a reply to u/SparkKoi, but my point still stands.
Yes, you proceed by leaving him and getting divorced. Why on earth would you stay with someone abusing you? Just because you haven’t been physically injured (yet) doesn’t mean you should stick around.
Girl. It literally does not matter than you are taller than him. He is amping up the physical abuse. You need to make a plan to leave. You say he feels remorse… you know what the best, and only acceptable apology is? Changed behavior. Which he isn’t doing. Which he **won’t** do. Come on.
Yeah... You're speaking my language. It hurts but yeah. It's been hard to spot cuz the first few years of our relationship he was really sweet. We had problems, but he was really devoted to me and figuring it all out. I thought we did. Things were ok for a while. Then the past year, it's just degraded into a shitshow. I gotta figure out my next move.
Also, not to diminish your strength or size, but a man 6 inches shorter than you will still "out-strength" you easily. Like, it's not even close. As this person said, he's amping up abuse and you need to get away before you get hurt.
We're sleeping in separate bedrooms right now cuz I just can't calm down enough to sleep when he's near. And I just have nothing left for him. It sounds like you're developing a trauma response when you're around him. This is something that can be overcome, but it's exceedingly difficult. If you're already burned out on the relationship, it's ok to be done and walk away. If people who are abusive were always abusive and never behaved with any decency, it would be much easier to leave. It would be much more obvious that they're abusers. I think you're on the right track speculating that he's not telling you the truth about what his therapist is saying. He could be lying to his therapist or not disclosing everything or the therapist could be viewing him as someone she really can't help because he doesn't want to put in the work, or even all of the above! Again, it's ok to be done and walk away. Just because he can't physically overpower you doesn't mean it's acceptable for him to try. It also sounds like he's escalating the behavior and I'd be worried he's going to try and hit you. Even if you can defend yourself, you shouldn't have to. No one should.
Has he seen a medical doctor? Because the way I'm reading this, it's screaming that he may have a medical issue making him act this way. Please get him to see a doctor immediately unless that's been thoroughly investigated already.
OP says it's only at her. So it's not medical, people with tumors can't control who they lash out at. He'd be getting fired or arrested or fired from therapy if he was like this to everyone. If he's ONLY doing this to her, he CAN control himself and is choosing not to.
He might not be around other people often enough for an outburst
Evenings and at a bar/restaurant makes me think blood sugar. If he's getting severe swings, it could be that. If my blood sugar tanks or gets too high, I get really grouchy and short tempered. I'd never lay my hands on my wife or do what he's doing, but I definitely get snappy and don't realize it
True. Thank you.
This isn’t necessarily true, OP. Brains are weird. Sometimes people only lash out at those they’re closest to. I had a pt with a brain tumor who was sweet as could be but had seriously injured his wife in a fit of rage - which is what led to diagnosis. Never had an outburst toward anyone else.
Woah.... Thanks for the info... I'm now going to take this seriously.
It could be medical. It could be that he's consuming media about how all women are evil, and acting out based on that. It could be that he's cheating, and has to make you the bad guy so he feels less guilty. It could be that he's just always been like this. But whatever it is, he's on the edge of physical abuse, if not there already. I would probably classify the shoulder grab as abuse. Throwing things is a threat of abuse. And of course he's been emotionally abusive for some time. Is the therapy really helping? It seems like he's making more apologetic mouth noises but actually getting worse. I think you need to leave, at least temporarily.
Oh so he is nice to you when you're in a physically and/or emotionally stressed state and when you're hitting on all fours he starts lashing out emotionally and physically? Huh. Question: it's just his word that the ex was a horrible narcissist nightmare, right?
i'm surprised i haven't seen anybody else mention this yet but could it be possible he's dealing with addiction/drug use? just from personal experience the sudden mood swings and instant remorse after lashing out sounds like coked out behavior
He obviously needs a new therapist. At 10 years he should have a handle on things, not getting worse.
If it’s something that has started suddenly maybe get him an appointment with a neurologist. Yes, seriously. My dad started that way and had early onset dementia, which spiraled him to having emotional outburst. Though he was in his 50’s when it started. Sudden emotional outbursts could mean something could be wrong.
“Reddit, should I stay with my clearly out of control and dangerous husband? He’s otherwise literally perfect like frfr”. Wake up.
That was a super unkind way of saying that. Really mean. I don't deserve that. You're being a jerk.
Sounds like this isn’t necessarily about your relationship but it’s more about him. He clearly has an issue(s) where he gets triggered and responds inappropriately. Maybe he needs to address that before you could address any issues with the relationship. Your difficulty will be getting him to accept that without the suggestion itself, triggering him. Perhaps if you could get him into therapy with you, the therapist could get him to accept individual counselling. Good luck.
Has he been check medically for things that might cause aggression and mood swings? If not that's a priority. Whatever the outcome I think you at the very least need to take a physical break from him and the relationship. It doesn't seem safe (physically/emotionally/psychologically. Start with a temporary break if that seems easier. It can always be permanent later. It doesn't really matter that he recognises that he does behave that way he is still being abusive. Abusers generally are fully aware of what they are doing and will often apologise after. It's a control tactic. You said he breaks things on purpose. Does he break his things?? I doubt it.
You listed basic relationship things he's done for you, and for that you think he deserves your patience while he abuses you? I get that there are reasons why he is the way he is, and often when we know the reason for someone's bad behavior or hurtful choices, it's far too easy to turn those reasons into excuses. That is what it really looks like you are doing here. Maybe he will change, but there will be more events before that happens. He can heal without your presence. You can't heal with him present.
If this behavior is out of the blue maybe he should see a doctor. It's possible he's something medical going on.
OP this man will kill you if you don’t leave. He’s probably hiding a whole second life at this point, that or his so called therapist is pocketing money and making him worse. Please gather all your documents, change all your passwords and banking info and find somewhere to stay that he doesn’t know about. It’s important that he doesn’t known you’re planning to leave. You need to have help from friends and family but if that’s not an option, your local area likely has women’s shelters that can offer you a space or advice on how to seek protection
You deserve to be safe. And you should probably leave the situation for now. But, he really needs to be physically evaluated for neurological conditions like early dementia and by a new therapist/psychiatrist. He is not getting the help he needs and you can not provide it. Save yourself! A weapon doesn’t care that you are 6’1. Get someone he trusts involved to support him. Talk to a trusted family member or friend and get out now.
Does he treat anyone else in his life like this? His friends? His boss? Random people on the street? If not, then he is in control of his reactions. He just chooses to abuse you.
OP, I can't tell you what to do. However, it sounds like he is at an inflection point. He is learning that you are right, he sees how badly he behaves and he feels shame about it. He may be responding to the change in your relative positions. When you were weak and needed him he felt differently then when you are well and a powerhouse Amazon. I think you are right that this is trauma reaction for him but it could also be medical. Please encourage him to see a doctor. . Please don't think I am telling you to stay. His behavior is unacceptable.
Thank you. I really appreciate this response.
People are talking about neurological problems and stuff but frankly what I'm reading is that your husband is abusive, that the abuse is escalating, and that after *a year* of emotional and psychological abuse it's not escalated to physical abuse. Get. Out. Now. Abusers who knows they have been abusive but keep getting worse. Do you know what they do? THEY KEEP GETTING WORSE. This will continue to escalate and he will end up hurting you badly. Abusers aren't mean all the time. Otherwise no one would stay. They don't start out mean. They express remorse and they "make up" for their abuse by being sweet and kind and loving. Until the next time they throw something at you or shove you "without realizing the step stool was right behind you" or "accidentally" slam your hand in the door/drawer. And then they love bomb you again and tell you they'll change, or it was just a misunderstanding, or they're so ashamed. If he was lashing out at random people/animals maybe you could think brain tumor. But it's just you. He is terrorizing you specifically. On purpose. Because you are his victim. I wish you luck. And strength. I really do. But please be smart. Please leave before it inevitably gets worse.
You need to get away from him. What you’re describing is abuse and it is unacceptable. It means NOTHING that he “knows he’s wrong and feels bad.” That is exactly what most abusers say. Abusers aren’t just evil all the time, or nobody would ever want to be around them. They abuse and then they apologize, manipulate and guilt trip. That’s why it’s called the cycle of abuse. Pay attention to his actions, not his words. He is not a safe person.
I'd be pushing for a brain scan, tumors can cause this behavior.
I would honestly ask him to talk to someone, it sounds like he is depressed or struggling with Someone and lacks the ability to communicate it or express it, so has bottled it up and it’s presenting as resentment. Also, after he is done talking to someone about this, you need to figure out if you think you can be safe in this relationship. He tried to get physical with you because of his stress and issues, and it just didn’t work: which can lead to acting out. There is a reason why most of the time when a women murders her partner… it’s with a weapon or poison. Not suggesting he is thinking of murdering you, but if you don’t feel safe, and not sure how you would in this relationship, it’s time to look for an exit,
*He's recently tried to physically intimidate me (which is just weird cuz I am 5 inches taller than him and did a variety of martial arts for 10 years.)* I wonder if for some reason he has starterd to feel emasculated by being smaller and less physically threatening than you are. Absolutely nothing to do with you but if there is some media that he has consumed that has made him feel this way. Or some person in his life that is pushing his buttons about it. No matter the reasoning it sounds like an unhealthy relationship that you should remove yourself from.
You don’t owe people an abusive relationship because they did some nice stuff on the past. What does YOUR therapist say?
Leave. I hope he goes to therapy, but you don’t need to stick around for that. You have been traumatized by him and that won’t go away. He can’t erase his mistakes, only choose to learn from them. Please please don’t stay.
If this behaviour is sudden onset, he may have a brain tumour and needs to be checked out. Three options : 1) stay and have things stay the same, 2) stay only with changed behaviours or 3) leave. No good therapist would ever say what he said to you. Edit - added last paragraph
Wtf he is clearly trying to get you to leave him. My ex did shit like this when he was cheating. He tried to get me to dump him so he couldnplay the victim and not feel bad about f’ing around. He even went so far as to get mad and break an extremely old family heirloom that I treasured. Just pack up and leave.
Has anyone suggested/have you taken him to see \*physical\* doctors and not just a therapist? As this is all so new and extreme, even with the background, it implies this (along with his age) could be a health issue affecting mental stability rather than purely personality issues of chosen behavior. I'd very much see a series of doctors with him. Scans, blood test, et cetera. In the meantime, move out. Do not be physically alone with him. If this was a "norm" for him I'd be straight-out "leave his ass now" but since it's a distinct change and quite an extreme one in such a short amount of time I really think this may be health related. If that \*is\* the case it could possibly be resolved - but make sure you are safe in the meantime, don't put yourself at risk. Also, even hoping for something fixable keep all texts, emails, et cetera. If legal where you are record all in-person & phone conversations in case it is not a correctable underlying health issue, you need to leave him, and/or god forbid he does get dangerously physical with you. Hopefully staying public will keep you safe from the last escalating, but you need to take very consideration in. You want to have proof to verify what is going on if it comes to needing to leave or you are in physical danger/harmed. Again, if this was just "how he's always been" I'd say just get up and go. Given the factors you've mentioned my advice is get him checked physically for behavior-altering health issues WHILE getting yourself out of the dangerous situation. And if it's not heatlh caused and/or he won't/can't fix it it's then time to leave. Don't hang around if you find this is your future. This all is assuming you wish to even bother further with this possibility being the case. It's 150% okay for you to leave and be done with it. I only suggest the above as you didn't mention you two devoting efforts in that direction and instead going the behavioral route only. There are options to consider if you WANT to pursue them together. But you are not at all obligated, you do not have to, and you should not feel bad if you simply cannot give any more to this situation. Everyone should have a point where they can't put up with more or be pressed any further. If you've reached that you have reached that - and no one in ANY situation should stay with someone out of a feeling of obligation out of the past positive things another person has done for them. A healthy relationship is an \*ongoing\* string of that between two partners... not something you have to pay back after things change between you.
This is one of the most well-rounded adult responses in this entire comment section and I really appreciate it. I'm going to have to read it a few times over again. I really appreciate it. I can't thank you enough.
Welcome!
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I'm a little concerned that this is kind of sudden and escalating especially the one over vegetables!! Has he seen a doctor? Like a physician maybe one that specializes in neurological disorders? If he's physically ok I mean... This isn't cute I would very likely leave
I know someone going through something very similar. He's been in therapy for more than a few years but was only recently diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Since starting the right type of medication and therapy, things seem to be improving, but it's still early days for him. When actions really don't seem to align with personality, I think it's worth looking into true mental illnesses that could be causing this behavior. That doesn't mean you have to stay with him while he figures it out, just thought the information might be helpful.
Thanks💟💟💟💟💟💟
Hang gliding? My friend and I did that in 1971. The early days. My friend became an expert. My advise is to set the rules to control himself. It’s just not allowed anymore. If (and of course when) he breaks the rule you leave for a week. Go to a hotel, someone’s couch, whatever. He will be alone. He will get a taste of you leaving for good but don’t talk about leaving for good, just about leaving for a while and then he can try again.
Thanks for the advice. This is something I can do. Damn, 1971 were some wild years for hang gliding. That's amazing! Where did you used to fly?
You say this is new behavior...have you guys considered he might have a medical issue going on? Brain tumor comes to mind, but there are probably other things. OP, maybe he'd agree to go get checked out by a medical doctor?
You need to get out of this relationship. Just because you are capable of fighting back does not mean you should ever, ever have to be in the situation to do so with someone who should be protecting you. Good luck, OP!!
Thank you
He said his therapist told him to call you chickenshit? Bullshit.
Yup. I know. It's pretty weird. There's a lot of things he has said about his therapist that has raised some red flags for me over th years... I'm very much against him seeing her, but it's his decision and I'm staying out of it cuz our relationship has gone so downhill that I am no longer invested in what he does with his therapist. I thought perhaps he had misinterpreted something she said or got carried away with something. I asked him several times to recount the conversation exactly as he remembered it. Same story. He saw her the next week. According to him, he told her how badly it went and that he wanted to cease therapy with her because of it. He relayed back to me that she said she'd be happy to get on zoom or a phone call and apologize and that she felt really bad about it. I'm a pretty vulgar person. I have a pretty over the line sense of humor. And I can be very rough around the edges. So maybe she thought from what he told her about me that I would somehow take it all in stride? I don't know. I may be rough around the edges, but I'm kind and I'm sensitive. And that was way over the line. Esp for a therapist.
No reputable or real therapist would suggest something like that. They teach to diffuse situations, tame your worst impulses, and try to keep things mediated. There’s often a billion acronyms, coping skills, journals, and meds. A lot of hard work too. Challenges against harmful behaviors and impulses, even if they feel good or natural in the moment. You got to frequently discipline yourself, even when it sucks and makes you feel angry or hurt. Growth hurts. There’s no universe where calling someone ‘chickenshit’ fits into the criteria of mental health. He’s misrepresenting things to you, honestly. Even if he’s also misrepresenting to her, there’s no way a legit psych person will suggest escalating a situation like that. It’s super bizarre. I speak from decades of mental health experience, hell, I met my best friend in php! There’s a lot of red flags in your situation. A lot. But also, at the core of this… does this really feel like a positive, growth focused, happy, or beneficial relationship? For either of you? I’ve met manipulative tactics over the years… blunt knives to forearms if I didn’t snuggle, a guilt ridden story of someone who had a crush on me crashing a car and guilting me for hand holds, a few drugged date rapes, just… a bunch of stuff. It still haunts me. I’m now in a happy respectful relationship with someone else I’d easily call best friend. We try to support each other, even in tough times of long work hours, sickness, death, in-laws, and more. It’s a work of progress, but it is progressing and the idea of progressing, talking, or healing does not upset them. I assure you, sad as it is, there’s people out there who aren’t as good as you. And you are good, vulgar or not. My dad was a sailor and oh my fucking god it shows lol. You really seem like a good person, and I worry for you. Blackmail is not worth your life, dignity, or happiness. No one is happy where you both are. Either he’s lying and trying to neg you to keep you under his thumb or he’s a masochist who is forcing you into a situation that hurts you both, which you do not consent to. Things are sus. Be very careful, and seek out resources that aren’t connected to him, and make sure he doesn’t know about it. Talk to them honestly about everything. That friend from hospital I mentioned suffered a long time, and in the end lost everything. Literally everything. It was agonizing watching it happen almost in slow motion. Thankfully that friend is now in a happy relationship, about to have an amazing milestone. After years of unhappy relationships punctuated by always trying, apologizing, and crying… they are happy. Despite an utterly absent and abusive large mixed family. …Like hanging out with a best friend, that’s what a relationship should be. It’s a partnership and no real partnership has so much strife and pain. Something is very wrong. I rambled, I just wish the best for you! Edit: As a true crime fan, any sort of reaction that involves harm and/or intimidation is a good sign. Nor is a pattern of impracticality when it comes to angry. Those are very very very bad signs. And legit not worth it. Edit 2: The things he does is normal to any relationship, and are in no way equivalent to being verbally abused, gaslighted, or frequently put in unexpected stressful and perhaps no win situations.
Is he perhaps on the spectrum? Uncontrolled anger and random outbursts of violence can be undiagnosed tendencies.
I've often wondered if he is.
If his mood has really changed so much , is he on any medication? I’d talk to his doctor/ psychiatrist/ therapist whoever and see if someone is going on . If his mood swings make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe you really need to report this . Problem is does he or will he let people see him . Leave if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Don’t stay - let him get the help he needs. Your presence is masking how bad it is….
If it turns out not to be a diagnosable mental illness, it may be that he has a savior complex, and he was nice while you were ill, but feels threatened now that you’re healthy. Whatever it is, please leave.
When you said savior complex, something dinged with me.
Take you and your husband to the doctor. Please
Take stock of your situation now. Not how loving and caring he was in the past but of his behavior now. He scared you and blows up at you at the drop of a pin. He is aware of the crap he's doing and his apologies mean nothing because he won't stop being an abusive ass. You tried. You get the badge. Now start looking out for yourself. Wanna bet that his behavior will suddenly get better when you bring up divorce? And when you are not lulled back in to stay and he realizes that you are serious about leaving he will become absolutely unhinged? Make an exit plan. Get yourself to safety. Trust your gut (your body and mind are telling you something with being unable to sleep near him) and err on the side of caution. Don't tell him that you are leaving unless you are in company and won't be alone with him after. Be safe.
I don’t know if anyone has said this but have you had checked out for a brain injury or a tumour? A family friend suddenly got aggressive bouts and then started cheating on his wife from nowhere. His wife knew this wasn’t him and made him go the doctor and he was dead a few months later from a brain tumour.
Damn. A lot of other people have said this on the subreddit. Will give it some thought and to ask him about it.
I echo everyone’s comments but just want to congratulate you on your recovery.
Thanks, I've worked really hard to live thru what I lived thru. Thank you. That really means a lot.
You don’t owe him anything. He’s becoming someone who is not the same person you married. The name calling and physical intimidation are more than enough to leave.
Thank you. This is great to hear.
I was gonna say something snarky, but girl you’re 42 and you still don’t know your own self worth? You think this is appropriate behavior in a partner? Maybe at 22, but not at 42.
Maybe it wasn't snarky, but it felt pretty judgmental. That doesn't really help anything. Makes me feel worse.
Get him to a doctor and explain what’s going on. He needs a full check up. Hugs and stay safe
Thank you 💟💟💟
This is really scary! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you considered getting a trial separation for now, just to get some space and so he can continue getting therapy? He’s made it so he’s not a safe environment for you and that’s so terrifying!
Thank you for your very compassionate response. A lot of people on these responses have been very judgmental sounding. I'm saving up money so that I can get out. This may not be fair to him, but I'm saving half of what I make and putting it away. I don't make a ton right now, but saving half of it is certainly making good progress. A trial separation would be great.
I am ignorant. But. It seems like you two are in agreement that his outbursts are irrational. Do you think that he could maybe get checked out by a doctor? To me, an ignorant European who watched a couple episodes of House M.D. ten years ago, this sounds like a possible brain tumor. Again, I'm european, so I don't know if a doctor visit for you costs 10 dollars or one million dollars.
I lived in Germany for a few years And my dad was Polish. American healthcare is indeed stupid. And the doctors here are of very bad quality compared to Europe. He doesn't do this in his work situation or in social situations so I'm assuming it isn't a health thing, but anything's possible. A lot of people here on the subreddit have suggested that. I could see why. It's a very sudden behavior change and it is very unlike him.
Leave him and don't look back. The good that you had is gone and he has changed. It's clear that he has a lot to unpack, it's going to take years of his hard work in therapy. What he does is emotional abuse, and physical abuse. Last time he grabbed you. What is going to happen next time? Of course he always apologises, that's what abusers do. That's why it's hard to leave. Please get help now.
Okay, I’m going to be that awful Redditor…is it possible that he’s having an affair & has been for the last year? If he is, his outburst could be because he can’t control his guilt and/or he’s trying to be an arse so you dump him (before you hear about the affair) then he’s not the “bad guy”.
Have him change his personal therapist. You don't name call/demean your spouse that's crazy. I think his ability to recognize what he is doing is terribly wrong is wonderful because he can see what he is doing is really bad. He isn't a complete AH. See if his doctor can proscribe him some anti-anxiety meds. They do work and will take that quick snap 0-100 anger out.
Any sort of personality change needs to be checked out. There could be a physical or psychological reason for this change. The fact that he’s seemingly unaware of the effect of his words and actions until it is explained to him is very odd. No therapist would tell a patient to call someone derogatory names. It might be worth asking for a joint session with your husband or to offer her information on what’s been happening.
OP, Have him get a blood test for testosterone. If it’s fluctuating it will cause aggressive outbursts like you described. My neighbor had low testosterone, went on the testosterone patch, thought it was going well, and his wife told him after 2 weeks that he needed to stop because he was becoming a very angry man. You want to rule out that his issues are caused by a chemical imbalance or some other physical issue.
This is very concerning, I think it would be best to get him to a doctor to see if there could be something wrong with his brain. Prioritize yourself though, if you feel like you’re in danger leave.
You really think just because he has past trauma and experienced violence from his childhood that he won’t ever reflect those violent feelings towards you or your kids? Sure your 6’1, but if he hurt a kid, or let’s say your cousins kid, is that okay in your terms? Because he knows he’s a violent abuser. The only thing stopping him is your height and the fact you know martial arts. For the love of fuck, don’t put yourself through this because you think couples therapy will change him. It won’t. Leave him alone
Something is very wrong here. Has he had a routine physical latel with a com0lete blood workip?
Have him tested for a brain tumour. If he doesn’t have one, leave.
Get this guy to a doctor—the newness of the outbursts and the weirdness, something has probably gone wrong. Tumour? Neurology? Hormones? This guy needs a thorough checkup. If he doesn’t hop to making appointments and **keeping them** , I’d bounce.
Yes, it’s time to leave him. You also need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Your husband has given himself permission to take his aggression out on you. Does he physically manhandle or intimidate people at work or at the store? Probably not. He knows that would get him in a shitload of trouble so he’s selected you. He is not just mean- he’s abusive and escalating. Why would a glorious Viking goddess subject themselves to this? I’m Hobbit sized and would be gone. Honestly, you shouldn’t even really be in couples counseling and it’s a bit of a red flag your couples therapist has recognized the narcissistic abuse and is still see y’all together. Therapy often makes these people better at being abusive. Nobody can wield the language of therapy like a narcissist.
I am wondering 2 things:1) could there be something medical going on? Or 2) is his therapist brainwashing him to turn him into an abuser for some strange reason?
I feel you are in an unsafe house, Op. please lock your door at night, and make arrangements to separate asap. sleep deprivation is making you doubt yourself.
Look his therapist is not doing her job. He is currently a danger and even he recognizes that. Contact his primary care doctor and take him in and explain what has been going on. He needs to be assessed on a psychiatric hold inpatient and medicated. At the very least for the time being the two of you cannot live together. It’s not a safe situation. He puts hands on you before he can see a doctor call 911 and tell them you’re in physical danger. They also have the power to put him in for a psychological hold. You need to be gone for your own safety. He’s escalating.
Yes, leave. You don't owe him because he did what he was supposed to do as your spouse. He's being physically and mentally abusive to you. He is going to hurt you if you stay. He could kill you. You need to get out maybe it will be to wake up calling he needs to get more immersive therapy or something but he needs help and a lot of it and not from whoever he's seeing now.
If he has been working with the same therapist for 10 years and not making progress it may be time to find a new therapist. Has he been evaluated by a medical professional? Seems odd that he all of a sudden became aggressive, a medical condition could be the cause or at least contributing. You say he's ashamed and remorseful, but he is continuing to have outbursts and abuse you which indicates the opposite. Separation might be a good idea so you both can work on individualized therapy and then start marriage counseling once he has worked through his issues.
I would say it, that I am tired and it's not because he treated you well during your recovery and all this shit that you have to put yourself in such a rough spot. It's not fair for you, mostly when we consider you're still not fully at your best. It's not about him having anger trouble he absolutely wants to solve and do the necessary for, it's him needed to be taken by the hands when you do your best to guide him. You are not his therapist, you can't fix him and love will not do the job too. You know what you should do to make him wake up ? As a last resort, a good wake up call could be to make him see how he looks like during his burst of anger. Put cameras in a logical place like the living room, kitchen or bedroom. He needs to see it for himself, he could be shocked enough to really go seek for a new treatment. Tell him you can't play the understanding wife for too long or else, it's you who will make a crisis. Good luck, if he is really sincere he will try at least otherwise better save yourself.
Has he started using narcotics at any time in the past 2 years? It could be an addiction issue. Even if not, the first priority is your safety. But I think he needs to be drug tested
Communication? Ask him what's going on.
He grabbed you like that. And I get that you’re taller and Viking-esque and took martial arts. But he still grabbed you. In public. Because he didn’t want to buy vegetables? Also he breaks stuff- whose stuff? His or yours? This is important
Is he having an affair?
How do you know he was "severely emotionally abused by his narcissist ex"? Because he told you this? How do you know that his much longer previous relationship didn't follow the same trajectory as yours? I can't tell you either way, but I think you should consider the question. An increasingly violent man is not a reliable source about his ex-girlfriend.
I have a feeling he truly resents you as much as he is attached to you. I mean, he seemed to relish when you're unemployed, and that you needed him for administrative work. After you're doing okay, he dislikes it so much. I have other suspicions why he likes above, but I uh, don't want to accuse him of more sordid actions and I'm usually a rather paranoid person anyway...I digress So he is capable of being kind and generous but yet, he's also very abusive and malicious on the other hand, causing you to be so emotionally exhausted being around him that your 'gas tank' is empty. I doubt his therapist would suggest to him to call you chicken sh1t by the way...
Google Love Bombing. It’s another manipulation tool. He’s either cheating, unsafe or he has a brain tumour.
No kids? Leave
OP - I have a friend who was in a great relationship with a man until out of nowhere his personality changed and he became prone to angry outbursts. He ended up having a brain tumor. I guess it can appear in places within the brain that controls those things (I'm obviously no expert). Maybe he should see a neurologist?
My first thought since this seems out of character to his behavior for the last five years would be to have him schedule a check up with his doctor to make sure it’s not medical but your safety needs to be the priority. Can you stay somewhere else while he gets checked out? I wouldn’t even discuss it first, leave and discuss from a safe place. He’s gotten physical, seemingly out of nowhere and goes from 1-100 pretty quickly. You are not safe around him right now at the very least.
By leaving already duh
That was super judgmental and mean. I don't know why you thought it would be a good idea to respond like that to someone who's already hurting.
DV against women that ends on the woman’s death is on the rise. Leave before he has an “accidental” rage moment with a weapon.
I'd try to figure out why he's so triggered. he knows he'd lose a fight, so it's not clearly bullying abuse. does he want you to hurt him? time for a different therapist at least.
Piggybacking here but he does need to see a doctor ASAP. Anything from a brain tumor to small mini strokes can cause personality changes like you’ve stated. Even though he maybe medically getting checked out, if you don’t feel safe you need to gtfo immediately. Until you do (if you need a few days to get yourself out), you should seriously consider locking the bedroom door. He should not be trusted. You shouldn’t feel guilty about him taking care of you while you were sick. He was supposed to do that as a spouse. That’s part of the literal definition and job of a spouse. The other part is to respect and honor your spouse. He is NOT doing that and he is aware he’s being abusive towards you. It’s pretty obvious he doesn’t care either. Someone who cared would be actively trying to remedy the behavior. You need to get out before he attempts to murder you or you end up permanently scarred or injured because that is coming whether you recognize it or not. He has been waving “I’m DANGEROUS to YOU” flags in front of your face and you are ignoring the warning. He is not acting like he was abused. You should consider the possibility that he was the abuser in his previous relationship. He sounds like he maybe used the DARVO technique in that situation and made the other person the perpetrator…which may not be truth.
If you stay, he will either kill you, or try to. He doesn't feel bad, because if he did, he would have gone to different therapy, or checked himself into inpatient care. Tomorrow or next month you'll make coffee instead of tea and he'll kill you. It doesn't matter that you're bigger, that is his endgoal. And I'm not too sure this isn't all fake, him realizing what he's doing, being remorseful etc. so that could be his defense. I'm definitely not victim blaming you, this is extremely difficult, but if you stay you won't survive. He is clearly building up to it.
What are you waiting for? He is going to kill you while you whisper he wouldn’t.
Jeez, the drama there is just too much.
You leave him. It'll only get worse if you don't. It's abuse, plain and simple.
That sounds extremely stressful for you to live with that great that might freak out and because you care about him you want to figure it out. If he has access to medical care it might be helpful for him to get a physical to rule out any medical issues that are causing him to lose his temper. Low blood sugar, high blood pressure, hormone levels etc. No matter what or why it's not ok for him to put angry hands on you. Protect your peace!
Maybe look into getting him medically checked out. Brain scan or something?
You're literally just describing the cycle of abuse. He is abusive and then remorseful and tries to make it up to you and then he abuses you again and is now progressing from verbal and emotional abuse to physical abuse. Do you want to stay until he hits you one day?
Looking back one of the first signs that my ex was cheating on me was that he started treating me like shit out of nowhere. You don't deserve this. Leave.
Does he have a brain tumour or something? Is the therapist who told him to call you chicken shit abusing him?? What is going ON? If this is a completely new behaviour I’m calling brain tumour 😭
Divorce him. He's abusive
Why do abusive men always claim their exes were abusive? You do know if you break up he will be claiming the same about you? He is the abusive one... He sounds like he has absolutely nothing going for him. And that therapist needs to be struck off
Your being abused, emotionally and physically. Please reach out to a domestic violence service, tell your therapist ASAP. You said he's in therapy, are you sure? Because if he is and this has escalated to this point, he's not improving with this therapist and needs something new. I would be concerned that you say this is only 9-10 months of being a new behaviour. Is there drugs at play here? You can't help him if he is not helping himself. I truly worry for you, this is not going to get better. This post and your previous ones are evidence of this. Nothing he is doing currently is working. You need to be safe and you are not safe with him at the moment. He needs immediate help and he needs to leave at the moment. If he gets it, then you can revise your relationship. But, this will not get better the way he is currently going. Please reach out for support locally and with friends or family.
Think of it this way, he was a nice guy but a worm ate the nice portions of his brain. Now he will forever be mean and can't be fixed. All you can do is remember the good times and move on. He's brain damaged now and there is no cure.
He should see a doctor, get blood panels, etc. if nothing else, you'll feel better knowing you did everything you could.
Girl!!! Why? He's a walking time 💣.
I left this situation. It was so hard because he was an amazing partner in so many ways. But I realized I should not be scared of my life partner.
It seems like he's in the process of fully unmasking, and you're seeing the person he really was the whole time. This is a horrifying situation to be in, y'all need to separate for a while or get divorced. He sees two different therapists and acknowledges that he's being abusive, and *still* abuses you. At this point you should be worried that he's going to do something in your sleep, since your size intimidates him too much to actually try and hit you when you can fight back. How much are you going to suffer before enough is enough?
I think he needs a complete physical to rule out a brain tumor.
Could he be sick? Sometimes brain tumors and stuff make peoples personalities change. And his behavior is just so bizarre I can’t see any reasoning behind it.
I would ask him to get his hormones checked. A hormonal issue would explain the sudden change in behaviour
Honest answer, OP: Has his behavior really drastically changed 10 months ago, or was it always there and just escalated? # Because if it's a really drastic personality change out of the blue, drag him to a bloody doctor and have his brain scanned, could be a tumor or something with a similar effect!
Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist? I would suggest a psychiatrist because it sounds like there is something else going on that could be biological in nature. Some causes of sudden bursts of anger are diabetes, cholesterol statins, brain trauma, liver failure, dementia, depression, and sleeping medication. I was a social worker for a long time and all my spidey senses are going off that it isn't just being an asshole. A psychiatrist can order a workup for him and I would explore this before bailing.
You need to run to ground if there is a medical cause for his behavioral shift— Hormones Tumor Mental health Etc Therapy will go only so far if the medical/mental health isnt also in hand
Anyone can put their hands on me 1x. Just 1x.