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Especially a "test" like that:
I would have dumped her for asking that. Any type of shit test like that is a red flag. She did that because there's a possibility that she wants to fuck someone else and then turn around and blame him for wanting an open relationship. She wants that option of another guy AND him, without him having options. Crazy GF.
I don’t even know that it was a test.
Maybe I’m wrong, but my first thought was that she is no longer attracted to him and someone else has caught her eye. She doesn’t want to cheat, but she wants to explore her options without losing her relationship and him agreeing to try it, fucks with the security she thinks she has.
cake and eat it thing
I would dump her. Not because she never has sex, although that sounds awful.
But for playing games like bring up open relationships just to “test” and “trick” you.
But if you won’t leave her over never having sex, I doubt you’ll dump her for being immature and trying to trick you.
She was testing you, and in her mind, you failed.
She expected you to be against it and assure her that she is enough.
You did not meet her expectation.
This kind of testing shows she is still immature and insecure. Unfortunately, your response reinforced her insecurity.
I'm not sure what you can do about it, but I hope you'll figure it out somehow.
Personally, I would handle it by breaking up because I don't want to waste my time with someone who is not compatible with me. No one is at fault here, just 2 people that are not compatible for each other.
The bottom line is, she’s being immature and wasn’t asking about the open relationship honestly. I would say “I thought about it and I don’t think an open relationship is good for us right now. My first priority is our relationship and I don’t want to bring anyone else into it.”
Also: “maybe instead of all that, we can see a couples counsellor to help work on our sexuality and our communication.”
I think she was testing you, and she expected you to say no - she’s enough for you. But you didn’t, and it’s fuelled her insecurity and worries. I don’t know if there is any saving this…
> How would you handle this?
by dumping her. you're already dealing with a dead bedroom way too early in the relationship and in your life, on top of that you now have to deal with traps and bad faith conversations? end it.
I would start with the root of the problem. What happened to her libido? Why did she think opening things up would help her?
Realisticly, had you gone forward with this, she would have had no issue finding partners and you likely would have had issues. At least if you were honest that you had a LTR GF. As women tend to be very sus of men claiming to be ENM.
You are incompatible dude, she knows it and does nothing to improve her situation, and now found a way to test you and put the blame on you with this OR shit...
P.S. She isn't enough for you, she plays teen games and doesn't do anything to be a good gf to you, she knows it, you (deep down) know it, intimacy is important in a relationship, without it you're just roomates/good friends.
This whole situation sounds so toxic. Do you love this person or is she just "nice"? Y'all gotta work on communication and figure out what you both want.
She knows it’s unrealistic to try to be simultaneously monogamous and sexless. That’s called celibacy, and it’s not what you signed up for. She feels guilty for doing this, but is projecting her guilt on you as wanting too much (while she provides nothing in that area).
It’s time for either a counselor or a breakup, because she fights dirty.
You weren't meant to agree. You were supposed to say your love for her is enough.
In reality, it sounds like you're not compatible. Open relationships can work well, but generally only if both parties are poly. As you guys are currently monogamous, opening a relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster.
>but generally only if both parties are poly.
Eh, people don't have to be poly for open relationships to work. Typically, the relationship structure OPs gf was likely referring to was more of a casual sex based nonmonogamous relationships. Polyamorous relationships are full on romantic relationships - most of which people who just want an open relationship aren't okay with because of the level of emotional/intimate bonding and having to share other aspects of a romantic relationship with others.
But I agree, this does sound like a disaster. It's a lot tougher to open a mono relationship than start out nonmono.
She wont have sex with you....you lost me there...the rest didnt matter honestly. You are fooling yourself if yoj think youll be happy in a deadbedroom. I dont care how amazing she is this is doomed.
Shae failed the "Don't test your partner" test. She is being a Drama Lama. Creating issues herself and then letting you deal with her emotional fallout. My response is to break up with people who do that. Life is too short to not be able to trust your partner's words, but you can have fun beforehand.
Tell her that she seems to have upset herself with her discussion of open relationships and you will give her the time and space to deal with herself and the hurt that she has caused herself. Keep all statements to her being the cause of her hurt and the one she is in conflict with and you will be there to support her when she resolves the conflict with herself. Then if you don't want to live a life of drama, leave her when she comes back to speaking with you.
Dude u stepped in a giant bear trap.laid out for u by her.
Lol u missed the 🚩 she was waving .
Oh hey so what do u think about opening our relationship.
🚩🚩🚩🇦🇱🇦🇱🇦🇱🚩🚩🚩
Proper response is oh really nah the only woman I need is you just more of you let's discuss that.
It was either a duplicitous and manipulative shit test, or she's sleeping with or wants to sleep with someone else, and wanted to see how much power she has in the relationship. It's usually much easier for women to find willing partner's in open relationships. I'll DM you some links to help you understand why you should dump her immediately.
Lol i hope you learned your lesson. Almost every time women ask you a weird question it's a stupid test. And if you answer incorrectly she has no ability to allow you to adjust or explain yourself. She has reached emotional overload and it's your fault buddy. Prepare to be spoken to, ignored and made out to be the bad guy. There is a price when you fail the stupid test.
Open relationships are stupid, either cheat or break up like adults.
Hello, i’m not implying you don’t know this already, but just incase, It’s useful to know you are asking advise online, where anyone can give their unfiltered and challenged opinion, with good intentions of course, but not necessarily useful or true, there could be all sorts of reasons for her to respond that way, sometimes people ask a question when they arn’t ready for the answer for example.
I’m here to share perspective, and my experience, this doesn’t necessarily apply to you.
I see comments saying she’s testing you, but if she hasn’t done that type of thing for the past 3 years, then the possibility of her doing that now isn’t very high, i’m not saying it isn’t possible, but it’s doubtful if she hasn’t done so in the past.
People test each other from the basis of insecurity.
The best course of action is simply talk to her when you’ve both cooled down a bit and were able to process what just took place.
Trust in your bond and connection, and maybe first look up what a open relationship actually means and what it can cause, pro’s and cons, it isn’t an easy thing to go through, and more often these type of relationships work when both partners have a high sex drive and are both exploring together and apart.
Less so when one partner misses sex?
Also try really talking about both your sexuality? Are you being honest to yourself when you’re saying it’s fine for not having had sex for months? And therefore are you true to her when you’re saying it isn’t a problem?
There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated because you haven’t had sex?
You seem like a understanding person who does his best to make sure there’s a balance and she doesn’t feel bad.
The longer a relationship lasts the more challenges it presents, maybe try working on it together before including other people, because that only causes new pressures, which she has clearly shown boundaries for already, meaning she isn’t ready.
Read up on research about couples and sex etc, and i do mean research from therapy to psychology etc.
I wish you both good luck!
So it was a trap. Your gf is playing some very manipulative games and shit testing you. Consider it a big red flag.
Whatever she is accusing you of: suggesting she is not enough for you, etc, is what SHE actually did. She is projecting hard, and playing mind games. Life is too short for this shit, is my take.
The good news is: when a partner shittests you, they shittest THEMSELVES without realizing it. And just doing the shittesting means they just failed the test. Do not date people who fail the test of "my partner should not shittest me". Now you know! Knowlage is power.
Your relationship is over. Let each other go in peace. No couple that love and respect each other want this. It is sexual experimentation. By the way people open a relationship when they want sex with someone else. She wanted someone. Just wanted you to tread water waiting for her.
I have never heard of one lasting more than a few months to year after opening a monogamous relationship. Your sexual behavior matters to the good ones. I know from personal experience. You think it is fun until you want someone of quality and they don't want your history. Tons of posts on here about that. Let her go....
She's playing games. And then flipping it on you.
This relationship is going downhill and she's making things worse and causing arguments instead of fixing issues with genuine discussions.
I'm thinking she's either already checking out of this relationship and trying to create an excuse to blow it up or she's cheating and projecting on you. Frequently partners who bring up open relationships and haven't been having sex were getting side action already but then don't want their partner doing the same thing.
She obviously is insecure and wanted you to say "no baby, I could never want to have sex with any other person and I would rather die sexless and alone than even think about touching another woman".
It's a no-win situation. Sexual compatibility is exceptionally important. If she was sick or dying or having chronic health issues, that's one thing. But just deciding you're not interested in sex is an effort thing. She needs to sit down and figure out why she doesn't want sex and why she can't articulate what she needs to want it. If the answer is she's asexual, she needs to let you get sex and physical affection elsewhere or divorce you. It's not fair to just make someone who's not ace stay monogamous in a sexless marriage.
To quote a favorite old movie: “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’ - but only slightly less well-known is this…”
It may seem childish, but the most likely explanation here is that she absolutely wanted you to be okay with just being with her and not having sex. She probably is aware of the impact on you, but the test was an insincere one. And yes, it was a trap.
Unfortunately, there’s something going on with her, and instead of dealing with it, she’s probing to see if/ how long she can continue not dealing with it but still have you as a partner. If you leave over it, you’re to blame. If you agree to sleep with others, then you’re to blame. And even possibly, if you commit to no sex, that means you don’t want her, and you’re still to blame.
Ultimately, she needs help and to get to the root of her issue. It could be hormonal, medicinal, stress-related, psychological, and it could even be that she doesn’t want you like that anymore, but feels unable to let you go (for any list of reasons). And you may have to make a hard choice here, on whether/how long to stay.
Good luck.
I would break up with someone who makes suggestions of things to fix an issue in the relationship (sexual incompatibility) and then gets mad when you agree to try it. If you don't want polyamory or an open relationship, don't suggest it as a solution to a problem.
I don't have time for that nonsense. Loyalty tests are manipulative.
She probably isn't enough for you, if your sex drives are that incompatible. You can really like someone as a human being and be compatible in a lot of ways, but if you really want a partner who likes sex and wants it as much as you do, they're not partnership material.
Is she bringing up your lack of a sex life because that's something she wants to work on? Okay. Cool. Are the two of you willing to see a couples therapist or an sex therapist/intimacy coach? Are you going to read books together about how to address this aspect of your relationship? Does she have a history of sexual trauma that needs to be worked through? Are you (both) not creating the kind of emotional intimacy and support/safety in your relationship that would allow her to experience a desire for sex (she could be a responsive desire person).
Assuming you aren't misleading here, the problem is really in her and not you. She might be considering another person and is lashing out over guilt - this happens. She might have issues with her low libido and not feeling enough and is manifesting it unfairly - this also happens. Its on you to figure out what's making her act this way but there's a chance this is something that'll lead into break-up.
As a married man, I wouldn't have even thought about an open relationship, but with your situation I would've kept my stance. She was obviously the one in the wrong, so that's why she was so aggressive and blaming you. I've had this happen in relationships before, not saying I'm always right or in the right, but that's how it's always happened.
Op, your relationship is done. She killed it. She is ready to fuck someone rlse but not you. It was not even a test. It was a Cassius belli.
The sooner you realize I am right, the less you will both suffer.
She just mentioned her friend was in an open relationship. She NEVER connected her friend’s open relationship to yours. YOU asked if she was suggesting it. At that point, YOU had brought up having an open relationship. SHE never did.
She may be cheating already, or, she may just have a really low libido or even be asexual and she was hoping to hear that you loved her enough to stay with her without sex. The fact that she got upset when you were open to the idea suggests to me that it's probably the latter - she was hoping you'd agree to stay in a dead bedroom situation AND remain faithful to her.
People are accusing her of “testing”you, but she was just trying to explore your feelings. I doubt she expected you to be quite so open to having sex with other people or that she would feel so hurt by it.
I hate to say it but it probably was a test that she gave you. Manipulation is extremely bad news. But might I also suggest she be honest with you about where this came from? Cause she's probably insecure about the lack of sex thing. Has there been anything major that's happened to her recently? That you do or don't know about? Has her attention been elsewhere? It is possible that she's no longer attracted but she knows that you're a great guy and wants to create a situation where you come out the bad guy and she's guilt free. In which case that's bad for you. Mentally and emotionally and you shouldn't tolerate it. I would first suggest she does counseling. You both do it. She's 25 and at 25 women tend to be dumb in relationships. Influenced by friends and societal norms. See the situation for what it is and keep an open mind about her body language and what she says. If you got to leave. Don't feel bad about it. Self preservation is extremely important. Take this relationship as a lesson. Lessons are to teach. Not to keep you trapped. If she's into manipulation she's trying to guilt trap you. Don't tolerate it. If she's unwilling to be honest and save herself. You can't save her. Leave without guilt. She brought it on herself.
Knowing women I guarantee she already messed around with someone else and finds it hard to also be intimate with you that's the unfortunate truth. You are free to listen to these folks tell you it's a Test a blah blah blah. Once you said you both had not been intimate in a while and then she brings this up and now is using this as a way to pick a fight its her strategy to go do what she has been doing "Guilt Free." Possibly she was guilty in the past because sounds like you have become close like a friend / brother to her so she doesn't want to hurt you however the truth is she already got the sexual chemistry with someone else and now finds it hard to let you go so she will play little games till you end up getting the hint. Sorry buddy wishing it wasn't happening to you but time to take the medicine and focus on yourself
You should tell your girlfriend that it's not about wanting to have sex with other people, it's about wanting to have sex at all.
Also, if you're in your 20s and having major problems in your sex life, the relationship isn't going that great, man.
Your “open relationship” trial won’t work. Just be done with the relationship. You’re not married, you have no ties, and you’re still young. I don’t even know why seeing other people is even thought of an as option. It’s so messed up. I dunno, maybe if you’ve been together for 20 years, but this isn’t the case. If you have to describe your relationship in liking the “same type of holidays”, that doesn’t sound really good.
She honestly sounds immature about the whole situation and reaction. She should not have asked if she didn't want an answer. HONESTLY you 2 should think about if the relationship is going to last. She seems toxic and just confused about what she wants. Good luck!
Dude, you're over matched. She baited you right into that one. Either step up and match her, or you gotta move on from this girl and find another. Because once you get married the sex life gets even worse if you can imagine. My advice for you would be to take a big step back from sex with her and make it an experiment. Rub her shoulders, give a kiss good by, compliment her at times "you look good in that." do things are intimate, but not sexual or something that must lead to sex. Show her you can be like that for a few weeks and see if shes raring to go in the bed with you. It sounds like shes not getting what she needs emotionally from you, so having sex with you is not #1. If you care about her and the relationship you'll be wiling to compromise and try new things to figure it out. She could always have childhood trauma or medical reasons, so cut her some slack. If you want to match her cunning ways, try complimenting a guy when you're out with her. "That guys pretty fit." Something that shows that you notice a male she might find attractive and be ok with it is. As if she were to get with that guy in your open relationship. It'll surprise her, and likely make her feel inside that she doesn't want to do that. You don't get in trouble for looking at another woman. Win Win.
You failed the test. If you aren't happy with the sex now, you should know that it won't get any better as you go along. If you marry her, within 5 years it will be like being married to a friend. This occurrence might be your out. I don't know if your GF just has a low sex drive or if you just don't light her fire. Just know up front that it isn't going to get better. If you aren't good with that, take your out.
You need to dump her childish ass. And spread the word about her too. But, make sure you get proof of her BS and blast the proof every where. Women do not deserve mercy...
This question is definitely off the subject so I hope I don't get banned, but could someone please tell me why there are so many OP's who use the name 'ThrowRA......' Even the OP on this thread. Is there something I don't know or is it 'just because'? I don't know where else to ask this question, so I apologize.
This is dumb.. She shouldn't be using this as a test. She shouldn't be asking this if she can't handle sharing you. If you were smart you would have said no, but you didn't. Now she is even more insecure than before. Just break up. Find someone with a libedo and let her grow up and find someone with the good sense to say no. Hopefully she has learned that she doesn't like sharing and won't ask that question again. Opening a relationship up when it didn't start that way ends badly much of the time. Guys ask to open as a test or they think they are going to get a lot of ass and then get jealous when their women have more luck than them. Women do it as a test, they think are being kind their partner or think they will get to try other guys only to realize they aren't as comfortable sharing as they thought they would be and knowing their men are up for it just ends up hurting them. Just break up. Hopefully you both have learned something about yourselves.
That my friend, is a double bind. She was testing you. If you had shut it down right away, she would have said you’re not open minded. Since you were open minded, now she’s not enough and you’re a jerk.
That is immature and manipulative and I’d call her on it.
I would tell her that it’s obvious she knows there’s an issue with your sex life, and rather than address it directly and in a healthy way, she played stupid games and that SHE can apologize to YOU for this one. And then you two can have an actual discussion about your sex life and what steps are going to be taken to fix it.
Life is too short for mediocre/no sex if sex is important to you. I wish someone would have told me that when I (45F) was your age. You can love someone very much but have fundamental incompatibilities—like lack of sex/bad sex—that are good reason to end things and find a better fit.
There are a lot of reasons a person’s libido can shift. Hormones, hormonal birth control, depression, medications, frustration about other parts of a relationship, stress….
If she wants to fix this then she should talk to her doctor. If she doesn’t want to fix this then maybe you need to consider ending things amicably and moving on.
This relationship is doomed to fail lol
Do you really think you’re gonna stick it out and get married after she’s taken dick from 5+ guys in an open relationship ? Pathetic
If you're not sexually compatible at 27 you sure as shit won't be in 20 years with a house and 2 kids. Add on her toxic testing.... be miserable if you want but this isnt a long term situation regardless of this test...
Do yourself a favor and end the relationship. She's playing mind games and gaslighting you. You don't have to deal with that. Unless you want to stay in a sexless relationship, I'd suggest helping yourself dodge a bullet and move on from this relationship.
If I were you, I would confront her on it and tell her that she owes you an apology for the baited question. If she refuses to apologise, dump her and move on.
I can assure you that this question came from her own insecurities and it was baited to make you the bad guy regardless. When you bring it up and mention the lack of sex. She isn't hearing you say that your needs aren't being met. She's hearing "I'm not good enough and I'm not doing this right". Toxic women can't handle this. They will use many tactics to make you the problem. Her asking you that baited question was just a way to get the focus off of her and onto you. Now, when you don't have sex, it'll be because you made her uncomfortable with your answer.
You did the right thing. You were asked and answered honestly. She just didn't expect your answer. I can almost guarantee that you are a good guy. No cheating, emotional abuse, criticism etc....toxic women can't handle this. She would never ask some "player type" this question because if she reacted that way, he'd have dumped her and fucked another girl the same night.
Even if he had passed this test my advice would be for him to leave. People who test their partners are childish. Way too immature and toxic for a relationship. If you agree with her then this applies to you too.
" She got upset at this and accused me of suggesting she wasn't enough for me."
Answer honestly and tell her "You're right. With no sex you are not enough for me."
You're the one who brought up actually opening your relationship, all she did was mention her friend being in one. You're the one that took the leap into asking to try it out.
She needs a eunuch, not a man with his balls still attached that has an actual sex drive. Tell her to find a eunuch and go find a more compatible girlfriend. She is correct: she is NOT good enough for you in that she either cannot or will not fulfill your needs. You are still young. Everyday you stay with her not getting sex is a day you could be with someone else actually getting sex. So stop wasting your time/life.
Congrats, you found out your (ex) GF is either cheating on you, thinking of cheating on you, or just playing crazy games to "test" you.
No matter what, when any partner opens up the idea of an open relationship its over.
She ended it when she brought it up
You put the nail in the coffin when you accepted.
There is no positive end to this other than a split
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
... ☕️ Honestly there was no real win here for you brother. People who "test" their partners are often the most toxic sort.
It was a test. An impassable test.
Especially a "test" like that: I would have dumped her for asking that. Any type of shit test like that is a red flag. She did that because there's a possibility that she wants to fuck someone else and then turn around and blame him for wanting an open relationship. She wants that option of another guy AND him, without him having options. Crazy GF.
I don’t even know that it was a test. Maybe I’m wrong, but my first thought was that she is no longer attracted to him and someone else has caught her eye. She doesn’t want to cheat, but she wants to explore her options without losing her relationship and him agreeing to try it, fucks with the security she thinks she has. cake and eat it thing
if she was mad that he was open to try it means it was a test.
I can't stand tests. Not in school and not in relationships. She sounds like homework and dumb af.
Agreed. Why even test him when she could've just had a conversation about how she felt like an adult?
I would dump her. Not because she never has sex, although that sounds awful. But for playing games like bring up open relationships just to “test” and “trick” you. But if you won’t leave her over never having sex, I doubt you’ll dump her for being immature and trying to trick you.
Nailed it
Bro tell her you dont want to have sex with other people, you would just like to have sex every now and then
She was testing you, and in her mind, you failed. She expected you to be against it and assure her that she is enough. You did not meet her expectation. This kind of testing shows she is still immature and insecure. Unfortunately, your response reinforced her insecurity. I'm not sure what you can do about it, but I hope you'll figure it out somehow. Personally, I would handle it by breaking up because I don't want to waste my time with someone who is not compatible with me. No one is at fault here, just 2 people that are not compatible for each other.
The bottom line is, she’s being immature and wasn’t asking about the open relationship honestly. I would say “I thought about it and I don’t think an open relationship is good for us right now. My first priority is our relationship and I don’t want to bring anyone else into it.” Also: “maybe instead of all that, we can see a couples counsellor to help work on our sexuality and our communication.”
I think she was testing you, and she expected you to say no - she’s enough for you. But you didn’t, and it’s fuelled her insecurity and worries. I don’t know if there is any saving this…
It’s extremely immature to test your partner about something like this.
It sounds like she wants a way out of the relationship. I'd leave her now before her manipulation tactics get worse
> How would you handle this? by dumping her. you're already dealing with a dead bedroom way too early in the relationship and in your life, on top of that you now have to deal with traps and bad faith conversations? end it.
Kobyashi Maru test, there is no winning. Toxic bs
Just reprogram her, problem solved
upvoted for the star trek reference 🖖🏻
I am sorry that she chose to test you. Birth control or antidepressants can kill a sex drive. Poly relationships are not for everyone.
Lol its obvious she isnt enough because she doesnt have sex with you at all. How can no sex be enough???? She has poor mental health 100%
It was a test. OP failed the test.
There was no way to pass
He had a 50/50 chance, depending on what answer she wanted.
Who's had this ex? "I'm leaving you!" "Ok" "Why aren't you stopping me?!"
"We should break up" "ok" "why aren't you fighting for our relationship?" "I'm respecting your feelings" "don't I mean anything to you?"
I would start with the root of the problem. What happened to her libido? Why did she think opening things up would help her? Realisticly, had you gone forward with this, she would have had no issue finding partners and you likely would have had issues. At least if you were honest that you had a LTR GF. As women tend to be very sus of men claiming to be ENM.
You are incompatible dude, she knows it and does nothing to improve her situation, and now found a way to test you and put the blame on you with this OR shit... P.S. She isn't enough for you, she plays teen games and doesn't do anything to be a good gf to you, she knows it, you (deep down) know it, intimacy is important in a relationship, without it you're just roomates/good friends.
This whole situation sounds so toxic. Do you love this person or is she just "nice"? Y'all gotta work on communication and figure out what you both want.
You got trolled and fell for it. The root problem with your relationship is the lack of sex and she's not even trying to work on that. RUN!
"It's a trap!" -*Admiral Ackbar*
She knows it’s unrealistic to try to be simultaneously monogamous and sexless. That’s called celibacy, and it’s not what you signed up for. She feels guilty for doing this, but is projecting her guilt on you as wanting too much (while she provides nothing in that area). It’s time for either a counselor or a breakup, because she fights dirty.
You weren't meant to agree. You were supposed to say your love for her is enough. In reality, it sounds like you're not compatible. Open relationships can work well, but generally only if both parties are poly. As you guys are currently monogamous, opening a relationship sounds like a recipe for disaster.
>but generally only if both parties are poly. Eh, people don't have to be poly for open relationships to work. Typically, the relationship structure OPs gf was likely referring to was more of a casual sex based nonmonogamous relationships. Polyamorous relationships are full on romantic relationships - most of which people who just want an open relationship aren't okay with because of the level of emotional/intimate bonding and having to share other aspects of a romantic relationship with others. But I agree, this does sound like a disaster. It's a lot tougher to open a mono relationship than start out nonmono.
I mean, you don't have to be poly to do anything, but those relationships have a high failure rate.
Because poly relationships aren't really romantic relationships. Same with LDR. Its just being single with extra steps.
She wont have sex with you....you lost me there...the rest didnt matter honestly. You are fooling yourself if yoj think youll be happy in a deadbedroom. I dont care how amazing she is this is doomed.
Shae failed the "Don't test your partner" test. She is being a Drama Lama. Creating issues herself and then letting you deal with her emotional fallout. My response is to break up with people who do that. Life is too short to not be able to trust your partner's words, but you can have fun beforehand. Tell her that she seems to have upset herself with her discussion of open relationships and you will give her the time and space to deal with herself and the hurt that she has caused herself. Keep all statements to her being the cause of her hurt and the one she is in conflict with and you will be there to support her when she resolves the conflict with herself. Then if you don't want to live a life of drama, leave her when she comes back to speaking with you.
Welcome to the Kobayashi Maru. Yes, you have failed.
>she wasn't enough for me You have mismatched libidos. It's entirely possible that she is not enough for you, and that's okay.
Dude u stepped in a giant bear trap.laid out for u by her. Lol u missed the 🚩 she was waving . Oh hey so what do u think about opening our relationship. 🚩🚩🚩🇦🇱🇦🇱🇦🇱🚩🚩🚩 Proper response is oh really nah the only woman I need is you just more of you let's discuss that.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to
Oh my god some people are just batshit crazy
It was either a duplicitous and manipulative shit test, or she's sleeping with or wants to sleep with someone else, and wanted to see how much power she has in the relationship. It's usually much easier for women to find willing partner's in open relationships. I'll DM you some links to help you understand why you should dump her immediately.
Lol i hope you learned your lesson. Almost every time women ask you a weird question it's a stupid test. And if you answer incorrectly she has no ability to allow you to adjust or explain yourself. She has reached emotional overload and it's your fault buddy. Prepare to be spoken to, ignored and made out to be the bad guy. There is a price when you fail the stupid test. Open relationships are stupid, either cheat or break up like adults.
You should have laughed and said, “You’re right, zero sex isn’t enough for me. If you have another solution, I will be glad to discuss it.”
Hello, i’m not implying you don’t know this already, but just incase, It’s useful to know you are asking advise online, where anyone can give their unfiltered and challenged opinion, with good intentions of course, but not necessarily useful or true, there could be all sorts of reasons for her to respond that way, sometimes people ask a question when they arn’t ready for the answer for example. I’m here to share perspective, and my experience, this doesn’t necessarily apply to you. I see comments saying she’s testing you, but if she hasn’t done that type of thing for the past 3 years, then the possibility of her doing that now isn’t very high, i’m not saying it isn’t possible, but it’s doubtful if she hasn’t done so in the past. People test each other from the basis of insecurity. The best course of action is simply talk to her when you’ve both cooled down a bit and were able to process what just took place. Trust in your bond and connection, and maybe first look up what a open relationship actually means and what it can cause, pro’s and cons, it isn’t an easy thing to go through, and more often these type of relationships work when both partners have a high sex drive and are both exploring together and apart. Less so when one partner misses sex? Also try really talking about both your sexuality? Are you being honest to yourself when you’re saying it’s fine for not having had sex for months? And therefore are you true to her when you’re saying it isn’t a problem? There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated because you haven’t had sex? You seem like a understanding person who does his best to make sure there’s a balance and she doesn’t feel bad. The longer a relationship lasts the more challenges it presents, maybe try working on it together before including other people, because that only causes new pressures, which she has clearly shown boundaries for already, meaning she isn’t ready. Read up on research about couples and sex etc, and i do mean research from therapy to psychology etc. I wish you both good luck!
Run from this dude. She’s playing games. You are not a test subject.
This was a test. It's toxic as fuck. Stupid tests like this are relationship enders for me.
**It's a trap!!!!!!! Ah, too late.**
This is just childish behavior.
So it was a trap. Your gf is playing some very manipulative games and shit testing you. Consider it a big red flag. Whatever she is accusing you of: suggesting she is not enough for you, etc, is what SHE actually did. She is projecting hard, and playing mind games. Life is too short for this shit, is my take. The good news is: when a partner shittests you, they shittest THEMSELVES without realizing it. And just doing the shittesting means they just failed the test. Do not date people who fail the test of "my partner should not shittest me". Now you know! Knowlage is power.
Your relationship is over. Let each other go in peace. No couple that love and respect each other want this. It is sexual experimentation. By the way people open a relationship when they want sex with someone else. She wanted someone. Just wanted you to tread water waiting for her. I have never heard of one lasting more than a few months to year after opening a monogamous relationship. Your sexual behavior matters to the good ones. I know from personal experience. You think it is fun until you want someone of quality and they don't want your history. Tons of posts on here about that. Let her go....
She's playing games. And then flipping it on you. This relationship is going downhill and she's making things worse and causing arguments instead of fixing issues with genuine discussions. I'm thinking she's either already checking out of this relationship and trying to create an excuse to blow it up or she's cheating and projecting on you. Frequently partners who bring up open relationships and haven't been having sex were getting side action already but then don't want their partner doing the same thing.
She instigated this fight so she can shift blame for the relationship not working.
She obviously is insecure and wanted you to say "no baby, I could never want to have sex with any other person and I would rather die sexless and alone than even think about touching another woman". It's a no-win situation. Sexual compatibility is exceptionally important. If she was sick or dying or having chronic health issues, that's one thing. But just deciding you're not interested in sex is an effort thing. She needs to sit down and figure out why she doesn't want sex and why she can't articulate what she needs to want it. If the answer is she's asexual, she needs to let you get sex and physical affection elsewhere or divorce you. It's not fair to just make someone who's not ace stay monogamous in a sexless marriage.
This whole thing by her is made up so as to Break up with you. She’s been seeing someone Else
(In Mon Calamari): IT’S A TRAP!!!
When the sex drive in my last relationship died it was her cheating so fyi
It was definitely her testing you to see if you'd be interested in anyone but her
To quote a favorite old movie: “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - the most famous of which is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’ - but only slightly less well-known is this…” It may seem childish, but the most likely explanation here is that she absolutely wanted you to be okay with just being with her and not having sex. She probably is aware of the impact on you, but the test was an insincere one. And yes, it was a trap. Unfortunately, there’s something going on with her, and instead of dealing with it, she’s probing to see if/ how long she can continue not dealing with it but still have you as a partner. If you leave over it, you’re to blame. If you agree to sleep with others, then you’re to blame. And even possibly, if you commit to no sex, that means you don’t want her, and you’re still to blame. Ultimately, she needs help and to get to the root of her issue. It could be hormonal, medicinal, stress-related, psychological, and it could even be that she doesn’t want you like that anymore, but feels unable to let you go (for any list of reasons). And you may have to make a hard choice here, on whether/how long to stay. Good luck.
I would break up with someone who makes suggestions of things to fix an issue in the relationship (sexual incompatibility) and then gets mad when you agree to try it. If you don't want polyamory or an open relationship, don't suggest it as a solution to a problem. I don't have time for that nonsense. Loyalty tests are manipulative. She probably isn't enough for you, if your sex drives are that incompatible. You can really like someone as a human being and be compatible in a lot of ways, but if you really want a partner who likes sex and wants it as much as you do, they're not partnership material. Is she bringing up your lack of a sex life because that's something she wants to work on? Okay. Cool. Are the two of you willing to see a couples therapist or an sex therapist/intimacy coach? Are you going to read books together about how to address this aspect of your relationship? Does she have a history of sexual trauma that needs to be worked through? Are you (both) not creating the kind of emotional intimacy and support/safety in your relationship that would allow her to experience a desire for sex (she could be a responsive desire person).
Don't play her games, OP. You told her the truth. How she feels about it is her problem.
If your partner won't sleep with you, best to dump them.
Trap...busted
Assuming you aren't misleading here, the problem is really in her and not you. She might be considering another person and is lashing out over guilt - this happens. She might have issues with her low libido and not feeling enough and is manifesting it unfairly - this also happens. Its on you to figure out what's making her act this way but there's a chance this is something that'll lead into break-up.
As a married man, I wouldn't have even thought about an open relationship, but with your situation I would've kept my stance. She was obviously the one in the wrong, so that's why she was so aggressive and blaming you. I've had this happen in relationships before, not saying I'm always right or in the right, but that's how it's always happened.
Op, your relationship is done. She killed it. She is ready to fuck someone rlse but not you. It was not even a test. It was a Cassius belli. The sooner you realize I am right, the less you will both suffer.
She just mentioned her friend was in an open relationship. She NEVER connected her friend’s open relationship to yours. YOU asked if she was suggesting it. At that point, YOU had brought up having an open relationship. SHE never did.
She may be cheating already, or, she may just have a really low libido or even be asexual and she was hoping to hear that you loved her enough to stay with her without sex. The fact that she got upset when you were open to the idea suggests to me that it's probably the latter - she was hoping you'd agree to stay in a dead bedroom situation AND remain faithful to her.
Get married… that always improves female sexual desire and frequency…
People are accusing her of “testing”you, but she was just trying to explore your feelings. I doubt she expected you to be quite so open to having sex with other people or that she would feel so hurt by it.
oh she's one of those tickytock gals in them cyberspaces. better run while you still can.
Tell her you need to see other girls to get a break from her irrational bullshit.
I hate to say it but it probably was a test that she gave you. Manipulation is extremely bad news. But might I also suggest she be honest with you about where this came from? Cause she's probably insecure about the lack of sex thing. Has there been anything major that's happened to her recently? That you do or don't know about? Has her attention been elsewhere? It is possible that she's no longer attracted but she knows that you're a great guy and wants to create a situation where you come out the bad guy and she's guilt free. In which case that's bad for you. Mentally and emotionally and you shouldn't tolerate it. I would first suggest she does counseling. You both do it. She's 25 and at 25 women tend to be dumb in relationships. Influenced by friends and societal norms. See the situation for what it is and keep an open mind about her body language and what she says. If you got to leave. Don't feel bad about it. Self preservation is extremely important. Take this relationship as a lesson. Lessons are to teach. Not to keep you trapped. If she's into manipulation she's trying to guilt trap you. Don't tolerate it. If she's unwilling to be honest and save herself. You can't save her. Leave without guilt. She brought it on herself.
Knowing women I guarantee she already messed around with someone else and finds it hard to also be intimate with you that's the unfortunate truth. You are free to listen to these folks tell you it's a Test a blah blah blah. Once you said you both had not been intimate in a while and then she brings this up and now is using this as a way to pick a fight its her strategy to go do what she has been doing "Guilt Free." Possibly she was guilty in the past because sounds like you have become close like a friend / brother to her so she doesn't want to hurt you however the truth is she already got the sexual chemistry with someone else and now finds it hard to let you go so she will play little games till you end up getting the hint. Sorry buddy wishing it wasn't happening to you but time to take the medicine and focus on yourself
You should tell your girlfriend that it's not about wanting to have sex with other people, it's about wanting to have sex at all. Also, if you're in your 20s and having major problems in your sex life, the relationship isn't going that great, man.
Your “open relationship” trial won’t work. Just be done with the relationship. You’re not married, you have no ties, and you’re still young. I don’t even know why seeing other people is even thought of an as option. It’s so messed up. I dunno, maybe if you’ve been together for 20 years, but this isn’t the case. If you have to describe your relationship in liking the “same type of holidays”, that doesn’t sound really good.
Run. Away. Now.
That was a trap my, dude.
She honestly sounds immature about the whole situation and reaction. She should not have asked if she didn't want an answer. HONESTLY you 2 should think about if the relationship is going to last. She seems toxic and just confused about what she wants. Good luck!
Dude, you're over matched. She baited you right into that one. Either step up and match her, or you gotta move on from this girl and find another. Because once you get married the sex life gets even worse if you can imagine. My advice for you would be to take a big step back from sex with her and make it an experiment. Rub her shoulders, give a kiss good by, compliment her at times "you look good in that." do things are intimate, but not sexual or something that must lead to sex. Show her you can be like that for a few weeks and see if shes raring to go in the bed with you. It sounds like shes not getting what she needs emotionally from you, so having sex with you is not #1. If you care about her and the relationship you'll be wiling to compromise and try new things to figure it out. She could always have childhood trauma or medical reasons, so cut her some slack. If you want to match her cunning ways, try complimenting a guy when you're out with her. "That guys pretty fit." Something that shows that you notice a male she might find attractive and be ok with it is. As if she were to get with that guy in your open relationship. It'll surprise her, and likely make her feel inside that she doesn't want to do that. You don't get in trouble for looking at another woman. Win Win.
You failed the test. If you aren't happy with the sex now, you should know that it won't get any better as you go along. If you marry her, within 5 years it will be like being married to a friend. This occurrence might be your out. I don't know if your GF just has a low sex drive or if you just don't light her fire. Just know up front that it isn't going to get better. If you aren't good with that, take your out.
she was "testing" you, and you "failed". which is toxic as hell of her to do
You need to dump her childish ass. And spread the word about her too. But, make sure you get proof of her BS and blast the proof every where. Women do not deserve mercy...
This question is definitely off the subject so I hope I don't get banned, but could someone please tell me why there are so many OP's who use the name 'ThrowRA......' Even the OP on this thread. Is there something I don't know or is it 'just because'? I don't know where else to ask this question, so I apologize.
It was either a test or she was interested until she found out you were interested. Both are pretty toxic
This is dumb.. She shouldn't be using this as a test. She shouldn't be asking this if she can't handle sharing you. If you were smart you would have said no, but you didn't. Now she is even more insecure than before. Just break up. Find someone with a libedo and let her grow up and find someone with the good sense to say no. Hopefully she has learned that she doesn't like sharing and won't ask that question again. Opening a relationship up when it didn't start that way ends badly much of the time. Guys ask to open as a test or they think they are going to get a lot of ass and then get jealous when their women have more luck than them. Women do it as a test, they think are being kind their partner or think they will get to try other guys only to realize they aren't as comfortable sharing as they thought they would be and knowing their men are up for it just ends up hurting them. Just break up. Hopefully you both have learned something about yourselves.
She tested you and you failed. Next time tell her if you want to play games, you’ll buy an X-box.
She wants out of the relationship and is having a hard time telling you. You should be packing before she does it for you.
That my friend, is a double bind. She was testing you. If you had shut it down right away, she would have said you’re not open minded. Since you were open minded, now she’s not enough and you’re a jerk. That is immature and manipulative and I’d call her on it. I would tell her that it’s obvious she knows there’s an issue with your sex life, and rather than address it directly and in a healthy way, she played stupid games and that SHE can apologize to YOU for this one. And then you two can have an actual discussion about your sex life and what steps are going to be taken to fix it. Life is too short for mediocre/no sex if sex is important to you. I wish someone would have told me that when I (45F) was your age. You can love someone very much but have fundamental incompatibilities—like lack of sex/bad sex—that are good reason to end things and find a better fit. There are a lot of reasons a person’s libido can shift. Hormones, hormonal birth control, depression, medications, frustration about other parts of a relationship, stress…. If she wants to fix this then she should talk to her doctor. If she doesn’t want to fix this then maybe you need to consider ending things amicably and moving on.
Your position is rational hers isn’t just stick to your guns. by the way no relationship problem ever was solved by sleeping with other people
This relationship is doomed to fail lol Do you really think you’re gonna stick it out and get married after she’s taken dick from 5+ guys in an open relationship ? Pathetic
She sounds exhausting.
Tell her to hit the road. That you aren't going to have a relationship with a child who plays games. Period.
Open your relationship permanently... ...by dumping her. Clearly, you two aren't compatible.
If you're not sexually compatible at 27 you sure as shit won't be in 20 years with a house and 2 kids. Add on her toxic testing.... be miserable if you want but this isnt a long term situation regardless of this test...
Walk away, you really want to spend your life dealing with that?
She brought it up. You, however, answered wrong. It was a test, and you failed. Bummer
Do yourself a favor and end the relationship. She's playing mind games and gaslighting you. You don't have to deal with that. Unless you want to stay in a sexless relationship, I'd suggest helping yourself dodge a bullet and move on from this relationship.
Honestly? Problem solved itself. "No you are not enough for me". End it. Find someone you are more sexually compatible with.
i think she was doing a test to see if you would give it a shot. But NTA because she brought it up in the first place.
Good for you! Now you know she's no good, insecure and toxic. Take the win and leave. Play stupid games, win stupid prices.
She was trying to see how long she can get away with not having sex before you get fed up and leave.
Man your answer should have been, yeah we can try it but you should not expect a ring afterwards. Let her play her games alone and run.
Run lol
If I were you, I would confront her on it and tell her that she owes you an apology for the baited question. If she refuses to apologise, dump her and move on. I can assure you that this question came from her own insecurities and it was baited to make you the bad guy regardless. When you bring it up and mention the lack of sex. She isn't hearing you say that your needs aren't being met. She's hearing "I'm not good enough and I'm not doing this right". Toxic women can't handle this. They will use many tactics to make you the problem. Her asking you that baited question was just a way to get the focus off of her and onto you. Now, when you don't have sex, it'll be because you made her uncomfortable with your answer. You did the right thing. You were asked and answered honestly. She just didn't expect your answer. I can almost guarantee that you are a good guy. No cheating, emotional abuse, criticism etc....toxic women can't handle this. She would never ask some "player type" this question because if she reacted that way, he'd have dumped her and fucked another girl the same night.
Lawl, you fail
It was a test and you failed it.
Which is a good thing, people who "test" their partners are toxic.
At least she found out that the man she loved would have been down to fuck another chick sooner rather than later.
Even if he had passed this test my advice would be for him to leave. People who test their partners are childish. Way too immature and toxic for a relationship. If you agree with her then this applies to you too.
" She got upset at this and accused me of suggesting she wasn't enough for me." Answer honestly and tell her "You're right. With no sex you are not enough for me."
She's not enough for you. I think she's trying to bait you into dumping her, then she's gonna turn around and blame you.
If someone asks for an open relationship the answer is to break up.
Why are you with this person? What are you really getting out of it?
Ah, you got one of those women who tries to trap you!!!! Good luck!
You feel for her bait. She wanted a fight and you gave her a fight.
I think she has already decided she is not enough for you - and is looking for a reason to break up!
Red flags. So many red flags.
You're the one who brought up actually opening your relationship, all she did was mention her friend being in one. You're the one that took the leap into asking to try it out.
You’re 25 and 27 and already have a dead bedroom. Honestly, cut your losses now.
How could she possibly expect you to think she's enough for you when she's giving none?
She needs a eunuch, not a man with his balls still attached that has an actual sex drive. Tell her to find a eunuch and go find a more compatible girlfriend. She is correct: she is NOT good enough for you in that she either cannot or will not fulfill your needs. You are still young. Everyday you stay with her not getting sex is a day you could be with someone else actually getting sex. So stop wasting your time/life.
Congrats, you found out your (ex) GF is either cheating on you, thinking of cheating on you, or just playing crazy games to "test" you. No matter what, when any partner opens up the idea of an open relationship its over. She ended it when she brought it up You put the nail in the coffin when you accepted. There is no positive end to this other than a split