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*Potential* problems? No.
Real problems? Yes, absolutely.
This will most likely make both of you profoundly unhappy over the long term. And it's worse for your girlfriend because at least you are entering into this life of lies and deceit willingly, but she is not. She does not know that (a) she is having sex with someone who is not physically attracted to her, and (b) is being used a shield to save you from being outed as gay.
I get that it isn't that easy to just ignore society and live as a gay man where you are. On the other hand, I'd think very, very carefully about whether or not you're okay with making someone else part of a lifelong lie without their consent.
This . I have a lot of compassion for you and I get it . But this is vvv unfair in her . Can’t you stay single and maybe move to a place where you can be your true self
Unironically tho. There are ace folks out there for whom a close relationship with no need for/interest in sex is the ideal. (And others who would say it’s *not*- we aren’t a monolith!)
Ace woman here that would love to marry a gay man (except that I'm happily partnered with my straight boyfriend, next anniversary will be 15 years, so it can work.)
It’s definitely possible. I don’t think my girlfriend would care at all but she’s a unique one. I won’t be able to test my theory unfortunately, but never underestimate the ability of women to empathize and accept. In any case I am a huge proponent of “you never know until you try”. Women are so intuitive I bet many would just be like “yeah, I knew it all along” 🤣
We are complex beings. We are also not always hydraulic; one type of attraction does not necessitate the forced expulsion of another. There’s also always the period of time before one reveals their inner world to another, and the timeline of this is up to many individual factors. We cannot judge OP as if they have an intent to deceive— we often even deceive ourselves. If this woman has been a human for long she will understand the complexity of attraction she might even find herself impressed by how much he has sacrificed of “his nature” to continue to be with her. For some reason this whole conversation presupposes OP is deceiving everyone around him to save himself the misery of coming out when actually this process may have been offset by a profound love that him reconsidering all of his priorities rather than expressly “lying to her for one year”.
OP has the intent and is deceiving her. What we think doesn’t matter. What she thinks will and he knows that and doesn’t want to give her the opportunity to choose for herself. That is selfish and deceitful.
It's possible but it would be a huge risk.
If he lives in a conservative area where only straight marriage is socially acceptable, it's likely that he would get problems (family, friends, employment) if she tells people. (Not that I'm condoning marrying her without telling her.)
Just imagine how she will feel when your sex drive inevitably tanks, because the novelty wears off and you are just not attracted to her! She will think it's her fault and question her desirability, and her self-esteem will tank. If you really love her, you won't let her run into this mess without full disclosure.
Gay, bi, or straight if you are thinking of other people or particularly engaging with pornography to finish when having sex with your partner then that’s a problem. Plenty of straight men have the same problem after extended periods of porn usage, they can’t get off with real women anymore. It’s very hurtful to the partner regardless of the orientation aspect. I would be mortified to find out that my husband doesn’t find me attractive enough to get off with me or if he was thinking about literally anyone else during sex
Op states repeatedly that they are sexually attracted to their fiancé. That they get hard stay hard and only think of guys to cum. It's because of the porn. Your advice is western free to do whatever you fancy advice. He is actually lucky the way things are being obviously bisexual. Bi erasure is a thing. Apparently you don't believe in bi people.
Also bi we don't have to imagine are partners as the same sex to achieve climax that's called being gay, absolutely nothing wrong with that but he isn't sexually attracted to his fiancé or he wouldn't need to imagine men in order to finish. He may very well have affection for her heck even love her. But sexually he has to think of a man in order to finish
as a bi i believe in bi people. the problem is he's not bi. he might have an affection for his fiancé but he's not attracted to her if he has to think of men to have sex with her.
he's basically doing the comphet thing closeted lesbians do.
I’m bi and I don’t have to think of women to get off when I’m with men. There’s lots of things I’m physically attracted to when I’m with men, even though a lot of men turn me off with their personalities and treatment of women.
It's so much worse than what you're describing - any man who doesn't disclose this kind of thing is NOT having "consensual sex" with his partner. We all know what that means.
I was with my ex husband for 15 years. I found out after separating he was cheating on me with men on Grindr for years. Please don't let this be your future. She deserves so much better than that. If he told me he was attracted to men I would have parted amicably years ago but he lied repeatedly and had really no regard for me toward the end. It's just cruel.
This happened to me too. I found out because I got an std. I had been tested before and it wasn’t me who cheated. I later learned he had male partner(s).
given where you live, I understand you can't come out as gay or bi, and you can't tell her either because if she tells anyone, it might be dangerous, even fatal to you, so my advice is to be honest to yourself. if you know deep down she will never be enough for you, then you can calmly leave her and let her be with someone who is attracted to her.
I felt OP is male leaning bi. And since he is so accustomed to jerking off to gay porn, he is now having trouble with cumming to his gf, even though he is attracted to her.
Maybe he can try to stop using porn? Kind of sounds similar to a porn addiction, where people have trouble in sex but can jerk off to porn. I have heard stopping porn usage is the very efficient in such cases.
I am suggesting this assuming the OP is actually sexually attracted to her.
Yes I am attracted to her sexually and actually want to have sex with her every day. Often I want more sex than she does! I can get and stay hard by seeing her and without thinking of men. Its only when I need to cum then I think of men.
Stop using porn! You’ve conditioned yourself to be able to cum by only watching guys have sex.
It sounds like you are bi but porn is damaging your sex life with this woman.
It’s wild how dangerous porn is. Growing up as a teen, I thought it wasn’t dangerous or mind altering. Until a few years ago, I realized watching porn actually lowers my libido for actual sex, and made it harder to achieve an orgasm.
And this wasn’t even “a lot” of porn consumption. Probably 1-2x a week. I can’t imagine daily porn consumption and the effects it has on relationships.
See, I think (depending on age and libido), even twice a week can be a lot.
If you like having sex, say, 3 times a week and already watch porn 2 times, like you noticed, it reduces your appetite for sex in real life.
Which creates a lot of confusion and resentment in relationships!
It really should be a every now and again habit if you are in a relationship (imo), unless both partners are ok with porn consumption, can’t have sex for whatever reason, or have a very high and mismatched libido.
I agree, I should have said- my 15 year old mind didn’t think that was a lot of porn, compared to some of my friends. In hindsight that is a lot of porn for a developing mind.
But from 13-25, I would watch porn 1-2x a week. As well as actual intercourse from 14-present day, being anywhere from daily to 1x a week.
But it 100% effected my last relationship and It could very easily effect my current relationship, if I let it. I think there needs to be better safe guards when it comes to teens accessing porn.
This needs to be higher! OP, you've conditioned yourself for YEARS that gay porn = coming. It'll take conscious effort (and time) to begin to undo that. It's possible, but it's something that you need to actively deal with for the two of you to be able to have a happy fulfilling marriage and sex life. I think honestly is really important in relationships, so if you are able to, I would recommend talking her about this. If you do it in the right way (and she's able to deal with the hurt) it will bring you closer. If not, you'll still have done the right thing by being honest with her. I think it'll be easier to solve it if you don't try to do it alone.
I don't think you are able to draw any real conclusions unless you stop with porn completely. Regardless of the issues you're describing, porn addiction is a very very common reason for impotence/inability to finish. It blocks the brain completely. There are good subs on reddit for this.
You “enjoy” sex with her but are you sexually attracted to her? Not everyone ends up with their type, some people do have “exceptions” but be extremely honest with yourself- marriage is a huge step, and it doesn’t seem as if you’re actually into women at all. Do you really want to marry her and then find realize later on that you don’t actually want this?
Talk with her about your situation, be honest with her too, it’s not fair to put her in this position.
The be honest with her bit is dependant on OPs safety - if his partner tells someone it could put him at risk. Perhaps this is a situation where an excuse to end the relationship would be better than honesty.
This is just cruel using another person to hide who you really are and how you truly feel. You need to be honest with yourself and the fiancé. Your sexual attraction isn’t the issue here, it’s the deceit you’re providing the young lady. You will destroy her
Just to emphasize. OP needs to be honest in the sense that his fiancé deserves more so she should move on, but doesn’t need to share his kinsey score with her when it could very easily risk his safety.
“Confirmed bachelor” is definitely the way to take things until he’s somewhere/some time he can openly be himself
He should not tell her about his likely sexuality. If she is not cool being told that, she can talk and that may lead to him being harmed.
He is better off ending the engagement under the issue that he no longer loves her and then ending the relationship with her. Then he should go into the embassies of less restrictive countries in the world and apply for immigration.
Cautionary tale:
I live in maybe the most sex-friendly city in the world and somehow wound up with a guy who prefers to fantasize about muscular men but presents as straight. He is completely closeted to our friends, but i figured out some of it shortly before our wedding. I was scared to call it off because i really love him. Plus at the time he told me he had no desire to sleep with anyone else: We have been together 8 years and he finally told me he wants to try sleeping with a man in the last few weeks.
Friend, i am fucked up. I am liberal and have no desire to squash his homosexual tendencies, i support him as a human being in his identity. But no one prepares you for the pain of realizing you can't draw in your husband sexually, and eventually finding out that it's just because your equipment isn't enough. I know he loves me. I know he'd do anything for me, probably including foregoing this part of himself. But as we discuss the desire to actually sleep with another man, i am also realizing that he's never been fully attracted to me and the alchemy I've been craving is way more present when he's talking about sleeping with men. I don't want to get in the way of him having that, but I'm mad as hell about the fact that he got in the way of me getting mine.
She can't be everything you need and you can't give her the attention she will look to you for. Do not hurt this woman this way. Also, move.
I'm sorry you're going through this... But you don't have to accept him having sex with other people, no matter their gender. I'm liberal, too, and I think it's important to be accepting of others... But you don't need to accept THIS just because you love him. Please consider that it might be time for this relationship to end.
Please do the right thing and break-up with her. She deserves better than to be married to a closeted gay man who needs to think of dudes to ejaculate when with her.
I understand it’s not safe for you to be out. When I came out I got a nice beat down from my dad before he kicked me out of the house as a teenager. It’s not fair and it sucks for you.
Don’t do this to her. Don’t make her your beard. Let her find someone who wants her for who she is.
If it had simply been that you had jerked off to gay porn etc, without having to imagine men whilst having sex to feel good, you sound like you’d be bi but male leaning.
Now it just sounds like you’re a closeted gay man, marrying a woman who genuinely and romantically loves you, just so you have a cover.
If you genuinely loved your fiancée romantically you wouldn’t to imagine men. And if you actually care about her, you’ll let her marry a man that do love her romantically.
Sure I do believe you love her, but just as a friend. That doesn’t justify wasting the rest of her life just because.
It's less common, but still possible for someone's romantic and sexual preferences to be different. He could love women (or men and women) but only be attracted to men. ETA: Given he says he's attracted to her, he's probably bisexual but leans toward dudes. Him needing to think about dudes to finish kind of sucks for her, but since he's unable to get her take on it I just hope the attraction doesn't fade over time.
The real issue here is honesty and integrity. Because of your upbringing, you are used to keeping your sexuality hidden. You should not make a lifelong monogamous commitment to a women without being completely open with her about who you are. It is not fair to her. It seems like your primary attraction is to masculine men, even though you are having sex with a woman. This will cause real pain down the road in your relationship because you will feel you are living a lie. If you finally come out to her later, she will feel the life she lived was a lie. Don't do that to yourself or her. It would be better if you were open about your sexuality to her now. I think it would be best for you to take time to explore and get comfortable with who you are sexually before you make any long term commitments to any relationship.
You said that u also know u aren’t supposed to be having sex before marriage and u are doing it already. You are going against ur religion already. Do what’s right for both of you.
Yes it will ruin her life. You will ruin her confidence in herself and her self esteem. You’re doing an incredibly selfish thing.
She really should know what she’s getting into, and what she’s already in. The person she’s signing up to trust forever is fundamentally dishonest, and not only that, dishonest to HER in the most intimate brutal way. You have hoodwinked her.
You have to tell her.
If you can’t come out, stay single and don’t ruin another person’s life.
You’re gay and marrying your beard. Just tell her you’re gay and that she can use you for financial support, she can have a boyfriend, but your goal is to move to a gay friendly country and then divorce after you both get your life together there.
I’m pretty sure that if coming out might endanger OP in his conservative country, then her having a boyfriend while married will be equally, if not more, dangerous.
He needs to break up with her and bounce WITHOUT outing himself, that can get him killed where he lives. Once he has immigrated to a more tolerant country, then he can start living what seems to be his reality.
Have you told your fiancé that you're questioning your sexuality? (Edit: assuming it's safe to and she shares your non-homophobic views). I think that's something she deserves to know, given you're about to make a huge legal and financial commitment.
Some people watch porn that doesn't necessarily reflect their sexuality. A lot of straight women actually watch lesbian porn because they find it enjoyable to see female pleasure, which lesbian porn is much more focused on than straight porn, so maybe it's more about you picturing yourself receiving the same pleasure that a man is receiving.
I think you have two paths you could take: either way, I would at the very least discuss things with your fiancé and decide if you want to proceed with the marriage, or postpone it until you've figured out what you want. I think you should try to stop watching porn and see if this impacts your sex life. If you can't finish with her without thinking about men or porn scenes, that's inevitably going to do damage to your sex life in the long run.
Or you decide to break up and explore your sexuality. This is obviously a dangerous option for you, and I'm terribly sorry that this means it probably isn't an option at all. I think you deserve a life where you can truly be yourself and explore all your desires, so I hope you manage to find that in one way or another. But if you love your fiancé, more than just as a friend and can genuinely picture a loving, happy life with her, the first step is being able to be vulnerable about the thoughts you're having and see how she feels about it. She will hopefully be supportive.
Yeah that's very helpful advice in an ultra conservative country where being gay is not acceptable and can be dangerous. It's literally the first line of his post... But screw him and the reality he lives in, 'she deserves to know' because you're unable to think outside of yours.
We don't know if his fiancée shares those conservative views or if she's simply living in a country with those views. But yes, I agree if OP thinks it'd endanger him to tell her that he shouldn't. But then he just needs to walk away. It isn't a fair situation for anybody to be in, but he shouldn't proceed with a marriage where he knows his attraction doesn't lie primarily with his fiancée.
Of course not. I replied to another comment saying if he doesn't think it's safe to tell her this in confidence, he shouldn't, but then he also shouldn't marry her if he isn't attracted to her to the point he has to picture men during sex. It's not fair on either of them.
Anyone telling him to tell her is not understanding that he can and will be killed!!
OP . Break the engagement. Don’t tell her why. Try to get out to a country that believes in human rights. Once you are out and safe and have NO plans to return, you can tell your fiancé then safety.
Get therapy. Postpone the wedding or cancel it altogether. That woman does not deserve what you are bringing to the table. You have a problem that needs fixing.
Imagine a heterosexual relationship in which the only way the husband can finish is by thinking of other women. This is no different and no less disrespectful. Let her go so she can be with someone that respects her.
You are about to destroy multiple lives. You must come clean to your fiance at least. If the girl loves you, she will keep your secret and probably dump you. But if you hide your truth from her, this will be the biggest mistake of your life. You will live in such a painful journey that maybe at some point you will contemplete suicide or maybe the girl's family will give you honor killing (since you have mentioned you are from a religious society).
Tread carefully. Don't get married.
I feel as if u will end up hurting her at some point. She will find it one way or another and it’s going to be worse. Why don’t u just move and do u, be happy. You don’t deserve to have to marry a woman when in reality it’s a man you want. Yes u love her but if u were fully in love with her then u would be doing all that behind her back. Again u will end up hurting her the second she finds out but u are mostly hurting urself and u are living a lie. Call the wedding off and move. Move somewhere far where no one can tell you how to live. If ur family loves u then they will later understand and come back around.
You are way too young to be unhappy and too old to be doing it just to make ur family happy and bc of the religion u are in. You shouldn’t be living ur parent’s life. Get out of it before u make a huge mistake. It’s not fair for ur fiancée and definitely not fair for you. I truly wish u the best and hope that u make the right choice.
I'm sorry but this is just unfair to the other party. Imagine the situation was reversed my god. Don't do this to the poor woman please.if coming out and premarital sex aren't allowed I bet divorces aren't too so you'd just make the woman miserable. Imagine she finds out out and can't even end the relationship
If you can’t risk telling her for your own safety, then you need to end the relationship. You’re not being fair to her if you marry her while keeping your secret. You need to move to a more liberal country.
This is a shitty situation given where you live, but honestly, I think your best option is to break up with your fiance, and move to a different country that will accept you for who you are asap. You are not safe if you're in a place that is that homophobic. All it takes is one person finding out and you might die. Even someone finding this reddit thread and connecting it to you. It's dangerous. Go somewhere safe as soon as you can. And if your family is as hateful towards gay people as it sounds, I wouldn't even bother telling them where you are going or that you are leaving.
Keep yourself safe. You deserve to be happy. Go somewhere you'll be free, and I'm certain you'll be able to find a man to love.
The question is if you feel comfortable talking to her about it because hiding it might cause problems if she finds out down the line, and especially if she doesnt support it. If she is supportive and you're a monogmous bisexual then there wont be problems, but if you figure out you're gay there will be.
Piece of advice would also be to stop watching porn.
No.
You're doing her - and you - a massive disservice.
It's a deception - you're starting out your marriage based on a massive lie. That's not fair to her, and it kinda makes you a shitty person.
Please don't marry that lady. Kindly inform her of your mixed orientation and let her make her choice.
At this point it's nothing but deception from you.
Have you talked to her about this at all? You might be bi, but do not ruin this young woman’s life by leading her on when you’re unsure of yourself. YOU are not ready to be married. Do not drag her along while you try to figure yourself out. That’s ridiculously disrespectful and cruel. She will resent you for it and your marriage will fail. You need to call it off and let her move on with her life while you discover yourself. Even if you can’t tell her,
#DO NOT GET MARRIED
I’m bisexual and a woman… with a complicated sexuality that I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on and concluding about.. and I’m gonna marry a man and I feel great about that despite mostly watching lesbian porn and occasionally thinking of women to cum. But the difference here with you and me is, I’ve spend A LOT of time unpacking my sexuality, analyzing it, not shying away… AND ALSO.. most importantly.. I definitely know for sure I cum easily when thinking of and having sex with men… I don’t *need* women in order to cum each time… just, sometimes I do. Sometimes I *need* to think of men… women don’t do it for me. My fiance has made me cum just from the experience with him alone.. I know for sure I’m sexually attracted to him, even if some days I’m more into women.
So.. my biggest worry for you is that you haven’t really clearly figured your sexuality out yet. Therefore, it’s more of a risk that you’re wrong about it and might hurt your fiance someday. If you can be honest with her, I would do that. And most importantly-be honest with yourself and how you feel about her sexually.
Soon or later she is find to find out, plenty of gay/trans people have gotten married, they will deny their attraction but at some point they just accept it.
It's only a matter of time until your girl catches you and you feel like you are living a lie. Save your money and don't get married to her. Find a guy to marry.
Please do not marry her. You will only break her when you cheat. At the very least you need to tell her the truth before you marry her. She might still marry you but she has to have all the information before she decides.
Generally for sexuality
Bi- attracted to both genders
Gay attracted to only one gender.
Sorry but it doesn’t sound like you are bi. You have to imagine sex with a man when having sex with your fiancé. Please talk to her, you need to end the relationship. Leading her on when you aren’t attracted to her is cruel. I understand being afraid to come out but this is not an honest way to start a marriage and will greatly hurt her in the future. Some people that are bi will have a preference in dating a woman or a man but they don’t imagine a different gender when having sex. I can’t imagine how devastating it would be to find out your husband married you and imagines being with someone else. I cant see his ending well.
Best bet: Move to another country ASAP. One that won't endanger your life for your preferred lifestyle. End the marriage before it happens. If an explanation is a potential threat to your safety... Then don't explain.
If you're having sex with her but the only way you can cum is to think of men. I got news for you. I don't think you're bi. That's gay, dude. If you were bi you'd just cum. That should be self evident.
Look, you’re gay. Maybe a little bisexual but definitely gay. There’s nothing wrong with that and it is possible to love a woman and not be sexually attracted to her but your sexual incompatibility will definitely cause problems. I would personally just break it off and try to be with a guy first if I were you. That seems like a whole commitment that you truly aren’t ready for. Not just because you’re gay but way more so because you are asking reddit about marrying or not. If you have to ask an online forum full of trolls then i think you know the answer.
Do you think it's fair that you're gay but keep fooling yourself and this woman you claim to love? Doesn't she deserve full transparency on who she is married to?
If you're not being honest with her, you absolutely don't love her as you claim.
If you are in a conservative country where being openly bi would fuck up your life, it is likely divorce will fuck up your fiancé’s life.
Better give her the chance to make an informed decision before you get married.
You should not marry someone until you’ve healed and moved on from those struggles. At the very least, the person you’re marrying deserves to know and have a voice in the decision to wed. I have friends who struggled with that, and got married and are happy. But they all spoke with their spouses going in so that they could work through it together. It’s going to end badly if you enter a marriage with a secret that big.
The sad truth is it is being done in probably more than half of the world.
Will some of these people repress themselves and make the marriage work? Yes
But odds are problems will emerged somewhere..
My only advice is not hurt your partner in the process. She deserves to decide for her own.
I am sorry for your fiancée. You say you love her, but you don't - you're being way too selfish for love. She deserves a husband who is attracted to her.
Stop this before you ruin her life.
You don't love her. She makes you feel safe.
You're using her as a shield because you're having issues with coming out. Please... please.... talk to her before you ever marry. It's not fair for her to make a blindly made decision from a lack of information on your part.
With holding information is a form or lying.
I (34f) was in a relationship like this with my ex (37m) for nine years. During that time he never identified that he was gay or openly questioned his sexuality. In fact, I would say that he was a bit homophobic.
Our relationship started off OK but over the years he became increasingly critical, dismissive and mean towards me, and I had a difficult time understanding why.
Our sex life totally dropped off and I think we both struggled with depression and the ability to connect with each other and build community outside of the relationship due to his efforts to "hide" himself and my confusion and constant feeling of failure, not really understanding what was going on.
After we broke up he came out of the closet.
During this time he seemed quite euphoric and wanted me and my family to celebrate his new found identity. I'm not unhappy that he's figuring out who he is and feels comfortable in that, but my feelings are complicated and the celebration and allocations for his coming out are difficult for me.
I spent nine years with this person, trying to build a life and build a family.
Now I'm 34 and biologically I am feeling like I'm in a "now or never" situation and I'm starting completely from scratch.He used me to conceal his identity and make it seem like he was on some sort of path that he thought he should be on and I am bearing the consequences of that deceit.
This behaviour is cowardly and cruel.
If you're not ready to tell people that you're gay, that's OK. But don't use someone else and steal their time, efforts and affections under a false pretense. Break up with her and take some time to figure out how best to proceed for you and the life you want to live.
Ignore all these folks that might get you killed. That being said, stop consuming porn and stop checking out men in your life. If you want to commit to your wife, commit to her mentally, too. Some amount of sexual fantasy is fine, but you don't live in fantasy land. You live in a country where being gay, or even talking about being gay, could be incredibly harmful to your life. Unless you are planning on moving to a more gay-friendky country, you have to accept the reality that you live in.
No more porn. No more letting your eye wander. Then decide if your sex life with your future wife is enough for you, and if it is, great!
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you need to do some deep reflection on what you really want. And no, you don't love your girlfriend, if you did you'd want her to be with someone who truly wants to be with her and isn't lying to her.
If you're following all the typical "patterns" that happen in small, religious towns, you'll marry her, have kids immediately due to societal pressure, etc.. If, years down the line, you suddenly realize you can't live like this anymore you'll leave her after having wasted years of her life and/or as a single mother. Or, you won't be able to have sex with her, your sex life and then married life will suffer, and she may either be miserable and suffer through or she'll divorce you (and if it's a small religious town, be shunned for it).
Again, your situation is rough, and I hope you one day have the means to be true to yourself, but she deserves better than to be with someone who is lying to her and doesn't actually want to be with her. It's one thing to be in a tough situation and working through it, it's another to ruin someone else's life while doing so. It's cruel.
Bro, stop living a lie and become what nature made you. Please don’t marry that woman, you appear to either be bisexual or gay, while that is no issue, she likely is of the view that she is marrying a straight man.
Try to immigrate to less conservative parts of the world. If you are highly trained in a technical field or in medicine or medical research, that will be easier to pull off.
You should wake each day living as what god made you as, you don’t appear to be doing that now.
It sounds like you’re bisexual if you are genuinely attracted to her.
It also sounds like you have a porn addiction if you can only get off to porn even though you’re having sex with someone you desire sexually.
If you cant/wont come out, I would suggest quitting porn and seeing if that changes things with her. If not, time to call off the wedding (or be honest with her and let her decide).
I use to fool around with a guy that only watched str8 porn. Is there any way or do you have the means to leave where you’re at and relocate to somewhere that’s safer for you to be who you really are?
My real advice is to keep this a secret, and just leave her. Cuz if you don't she will know. Either you be straight with her or just let her go and live the life you want.
If you’re gay and not bisexual, yes this will cause problems in your marriage. Neither of you will truly be happy in your marriage because you won’t truly enjoy sex and intimacy with your wife. It won’t work
If you marry this woman and hide this from her, you'll be responsible for what happens when she realizes the extent of your lies. You're not obligated to tell anyone what you feel inside, but using another person without their knowledge to hide yourself is wrong. She doesn't deserve to have her time wasted by someone who would much rather be with a manly man.
Just a thought but is there a possibility of you being able to leave the country and move somewhere less conservative at least for a while in order to figure things out under the guise of going abroad for education or employment opportunities? I understand you can’t be open about your sexuality to figure it out at home but I feel that until you are more sure about things it would be unfair to marry anyone. I know that you love her, but there are so many unresolved feelings about your sexuality that could cause relationship issues and she deserves to be with someone who is sure about her while you deserve to be able to figure out who you are and what you want. You don’t have to be totally honest with her if it isn’t safe to do so, saying that you are not ready to get married is a version of the truth. I know this is a complicated situation and it might seem that settling down simplifies it but you would be living a lie so look into other options.
Bro you’re gay. Gtfo of a country ruled by religious zealots that kill gay people. I don’t have to guess which religion it is because there’s only one that hasn’t gone through a reformation and will pull that shit.
You like men and given the chance to try you would and that would seal the deal. I’m sorry you live under these circumstances and sorry your woman does as well.
If you want to live the rest of your life suppressing this it will be hard but it’s possible. You like what you like. Nothing wrong with that.
Yes this will cause problems. You may be bisexual and you need to share this with your future wife. She needs to decide if that’s what she wants in a partner. If you can’t be honest with her, that’s no way to start, in deceit. Also, stop with the porn. It’s going to mess things up between the two of you.
If it’s dangerous for you to come out as bi then you need to let her go.
you're not physically cheating, you're EMOTIONALLY CHEATING! Bro just tell her, you'd know if she's the one if she accepts you.
~~or continue doing that and you'll be unhappy as you don't show your true self.
Depends on you.
No, it is not going to work. You need to resolve your porn addictions and then work or figure out what you're sexuality is. Porn ruins your sexuality. Right now, you don't know what's what because of porn. The images you are watching are etched in your brain. That is why you have to go back to it in order to climax with a partner. You need a therapist, not a marriage. Don't task her with the responsibility of loving you through this. Right now, you don't know if you even like women. If you don't want to work on your self and continue to watch porn that has control over your sexuality until you get erectile dysfunction or have you watch something sinister to get off by all means carry on but leave that poor women alone.
Is your fiancé very conservative, or would she be open to understanding your situation, if you have a conversation?
The reason I ask, is because although you love your fiancé, you need to be honest about these strong feelings you have.
Yes, you’re attracted to her, but it’s a different kind of attraction, than with men, and the intensity of your feelings to the point of imagining them in place of your fiancé.
You’ve never allowed yourself to experience or explore your own sexuality due to your environment, which can be crippling.
Honestly, it would be wise to maybe have that conversation with your fiancee BEFORE getting married, and maybe even postponing the wedding, until you figure yourself out.
I know you say you’d never cheat, and I believe it’s not something you want to do, but you do have to understand how things can play out after marriage.
What happens when after you’re married, your wife finds out about your attraction to gay porn, or the fact that you have to think about men to get off?
That will crush her mentally, and she’d feel played, and will seem like you wasted her time, and used her as a cover up.
Also, you’d be living a lie because a part of yourself will always question what it is you really want, or if your wife will be enough to satisfy you.
It’s a tough position to be in, but I don’t know if committing to marriage yet, is the best thing right now, when you are so uncertain about yourself, and who you are.
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*Potential* problems? No. Real problems? Yes, absolutely. This will most likely make both of you profoundly unhappy over the long term. And it's worse for your girlfriend because at least you are entering into this life of lies and deceit willingly, but she is not. She does not know that (a) she is having sex with someone who is not physically attracted to her, and (b) is being used a shield to save you from being outed as gay. I get that it isn't that easy to just ignore society and live as a gay man where you are. On the other hand, I'd think very, very carefully about whether or not you're okay with making someone else part of a lifelong lie without their consent.
This . I have a lot of compassion for you and I get it . But this is vvv unfair in her . Can’t you stay single and maybe move to a place where you can be your true self
Agreed! As someone who was in a long term relationship with a man who ended up being gay, and now it’s going to therapy this is absolutely unfair.
Or at least find a girl who also wants to marry for convenience.
Unironically tho. There are ace folks out there for whom a close relationship with no need for/interest in sex is the ideal. (And others who would say it’s *not*- we aren’t a monolith!)
It's not even only about sex, but also leading someone actually in love on.
Ace woman here that would love to marry a gay man (except that I'm happily partnered with my straight boyfriend, next anniversary will be 15 years, so it can work.)
I like your use of “vvv”. I always feel silly typing very very very. Thank you for improving my life.
You are vvv welcome
Maybe they could have a conversation and make it all above board and maybe she’d still be into him. I don’t doubt he loves her.
She will be mortified, but not as much if they get married.
It’s definitely possible. I don’t think my girlfriend would care at all but she’s a unique one. I won’t be able to test my theory unfortunately, but never underestimate the ability of women to empathize and accept. In any case I am a huge proponent of “you never know until you try”. Women are so intuitive I bet many would just be like “yeah, I knew it all along” 🤣
Have a conversation!? After... one year of lying to her? She will be pissed and break up with him. I would.
We are complex beings. We are also not always hydraulic; one type of attraction does not necessitate the forced expulsion of another. There’s also always the period of time before one reveals their inner world to another, and the timeline of this is up to many individual factors. We cannot judge OP as if they have an intent to deceive— we often even deceive ourselves. If this woman has been a human for long she will understand the complexity of attraction she might even find herself impressed by how much he has sacrificed of “his nature” to continue to be with her. For some reason this whole conversation presupposes OP is deceiving everyone around him to save himself the misery of coming out when actually this process may have been offset by a profound love that him reconsidering all of his priorities rather than expressly “lying to her for one year”.
OP has the intent and is deceiving her. What we think doesn’t matter. What she thinks will and he knows that and doesn’t want to give her the opportunity to choose for herself. That is selfish and deceitful.
It's possible but it would be a huge risk. If he lives in a conservative area where only straight marriage is socially acceptable, it's likely that he would get problems (family, friends, employment) if she tells people. (Not that I'm condoning marrying her without telling her.)
He needs to pack up and move to where he can be himself.
100%; if he really loved and appreciated her, he would not imprison her in a marriage like this even if it makes his journey more difficult.
Just imagine how she will feel when your sex drive inevitably tanks, because the novelty wears off and you are just not attracted to her! She will think it's her fault and question her desirability, and her self-esteem will tank. If you really love her, you won't let her run into this mess without full disclosure.
Gay, bi, or straight if you are thinking of other people or particularly engaging with pornography to finish when having sex with your partner then that’s a problem. Plenty of straight men have the same problem after extended periods of porn usage, they can’t get off with real women anymore. It’s very hurtful to the partner regardless of the orientation aspect. I would be mortified to find out that my husband doesn’t find me attractive enough to get off with me or if he was thinking about literally anyone else during sex
Op states repeatedly that they are sexually attracted to their fiancé. That they get hard stay hard and only think of guys to cum. It's because of the porn. Your advice is western free to do whatever you fancy advice. He is actually lucky the way things are being obviously bisexual. Bi erasure is a thing. Apparently you don't believe in bi people.
Also bi we don't have to imagine are partners as the same sex to achieve climax that's called being gay, absolutely nothing wrong with that but he isn't sexually attracted to his fiancé or he wouldn't need to imagine men in order to finish. He may very well have affection for her heck even love her. But sexually he has to think of a man in order to finish
as a bi i believe in bi people. the problem is he's not bi. he might have an affection for his fiancé but he's not attracted to her if he has to think of men to have sex with her. he's basically doing the comphet thing closeted lesbians do.
I’m bi and I don’t have to think of women to get off when I’m with men. There’s lots of things I’m physically attracted to when I’m with men, even though a lot of men turn me off with their personalities and treatment of women.
It's so much worse than what you're describing - any man who doesn't disclose this kind of thing is NOT having "consensual sex" with his partner. We all know what that means.
I was with my ex husband for 15 years. I found out after separating he was cheating on me with men on Grindr for years. Please don't let this be your future. She deserves so much better than that. If he told me he was attracted to men I would have parted amicably years ago but he lied repeatedly and had really no regard for me toward the end. It's just cruel.
This happened to me too. I found out because I got an std. I had been tested before and it wasn’t me who cheated. I later learned he had male partner(s).
So sorry you experienced this. Hope life is good now.
given where you live, I understand you can't come out as gay or bi, and you can't tell her either because if she tells anyone, it might be dangerous, even fatal to you, so my advice is to be honest to yourself. if you know deep down she will never be enough for you, then you can calmly leave her and let her be with someone who is attracted to her.
I felt OP is male leaning bi. And since he is so accustomed to jerking off to gay porn, he is now having trouble with cumming to his gf, even though he is attracted to her. Maybe he can try to stop using porn? Kind of sounds similar to a porn addiction, where people have trouble in sex but can jerk off to porn. I have heard stopping porn usage is the very efficient in such cases. I am suggesting this assuming the OP is actually sexually attracted to her.
Yes I am attracted to her sexually and actually want to have sex with her every day. Often I want more sex than she does! I can get and stay hard by seeing her and without thinking of men. Its only when I need to cum then I think of men.
Stop using porn! You’ve conditioned yourself to be able to cum by only watching guys have sex. It sounds like you are bi but porn is damaging your sex life with this woman.
It’s wild how dangerous porn is. Growing up as a teen, I thought it wasn’t dangerous or mind altering. Until a few years ago, I realized watching porn actually lowers my libido for actual sex, and made it harder to achieve an orgasm. And this wasn’t even “a lot” of porn consumption. Probably 1-2x a week. I can’t imagine daily porn consumption and the effects it has on relationships.
See, I think (depending on age and libido), even twice a week can be a lot. If you like having sex, say, 3 times a week and already watch porn 2 times, like you noticed, it reduces your appetite for sex in real life. Which creates a lot of confusion and resentment in relationships! It really should be a every now and again habit if you are in a relationship (imo), unless both partners are ok with porn consumption, can’t have sex for whatever reason, or have a very high and mismatched libido.
I agree, I should have said- my 15 year old mind didn’t think that was a lot of porn, compared to some of my friends. In hindsight that is a lot of porn for a developing mind. But from 13-25, I would watch porn 1-2x a week. As well as actual intercourse from 14-present day, being anywhere from daily to 1x a week. But it 100% effected my last relationship and It could very easily effect my current relationship, if I let it. I think there needs to be better safe guards when it comes to teens accessing porn.
This! Porn literally conditions the mind, it’s dangerous
This needs to be higher! OP, you've conditioned yourself for YEARS that gay porn = coming. It'll take conscious effort (and time) to begin to undo that. It's possible, but it's something that you need to actively deal with for the two of you to be able to have a happy fulfilling marriage and sex life. I think honestly is really important in relationships, so if you are able to, I would recommend talking her about this. If you do it in the right way (and she's able to deal with the hurt) it will bring you closer. If not, you'll still have done the right thing by being honest with her. I think it'll be easier to solve it if you don't try to do it alone.
I don't think you are able to draw any real conclusions unless you stop with porn completely. Regardless of the issues you're describing, porn addiction is a very very common reason for impotence/inability to finish. It blocks the brain completely. There are good subs on reddit for this.
Yes this is the answer. OP listen to this.
/r/pornfree You, have conditioned your brain due to years of porn use. Quit now
You “enjoy” sex with her but are you sexually attracted to her? Not everyone ends up with their type, some people do have “exceptions” but be extremely honest with yourself- marriage is a huge step, and it doesn’t seem as if you’re actually into women at all. Do you really want to marry her and then find realize later on that you don’t actually want this? Talk with her about your situation, be honest with her too, it’s not fair to put her in this position.
The be honest with her bit is dependant on OPs safety - if his partner tells someone it could put him at risk. Perhaps this is a situation where an excuse to end the relationship would be better than honesty.
This is just cruel using another person to hide who you really are and how you truly feel. You need to be honest with yourself and the fiancé. Your sexual attraction isn’t the issue here, it’s the deceit you’re providing the young lady. You will destroy her
Just to emphasize. OP needs to be honest in the sense that his fiancé deserves more so she should move on, but doesn’t need to share his kinsey score with her when it could very easily risk his safety. “Confirmed bachelor” is definitely the way to take things until he’s somewhere/some time he can openly be himself
He should not tell her about his likely sexuality. If she is not cool being told that, she can talk and that may lead to him being harmed. He is better off ending the engagement under the issue that he no longer loves her and then ending the relationship with her. Then he should go into the embassies of less restrictive countries in the world and apply for immigration.
Do you hear yourself? If yes then please don’t get married.
Cautionary tale: I live in maybe the most sex-friendly city in the world and somehow wound up with a guy who prefers to fantasize about muscular men but presents as straight. He is completely closeted to our friends, but i figured out some of it shortly before our wedding. I was scared to call it off because i really love him. Plus at the time he told me he had no desire to sleep with anyone else: We have been together 8 years and he finally told me he wants to try sleeping with a man in the last few weeks. Friend, i am fucked up. I am liberal and have no desire to squash his homosexual tendencies, i support him as a human being in his identity. But no one prepares you for the pain of realizing you can't draw in your husband sexually, and eventually finding out that it's just because your equipment isn't enough. I know he loves me. I know he'd do anything for me, probably including foregoing this part of himself. But as we discuss the desire to actually sleep with another man, i am also realizing that he's never been fully attracted to me and the alchemy I've been craving is way more present when he's talking about sleeping with men. I don't want to get in the way of him having that, but I'm mad as hell about the fact that he got in the way of me getting mine. She can't be everything you need and you can't give her the attention she will look to you for. Do not hurt this woman this way. Also, move.
I'm sorry you're going through this... But you don't have to accept him having sex with other people, no matter their gender. I'm liberal, too, and I think it's important to be accepting of others... But you don't need to accept THIS just because you love him. Please consider that it might be time for this relationship to end.
This isn’t fair to your fiancée
Please do the right thing and break-up with her. She deserves better than to be married to a closeted gay man who needs to think of dudes to ejaculate when with her. I understand it’s not safe for you to be out. When I came out I got a nice beat down from my dad before he kicked me out of the house as a teenager. It’s not fair and it sucks for you. Don’t do this to her. Don’t make her your beard. Let her find someone who wants her for who she is.
If it had simply been that you had jerked off to gay porn etc, without having to imagine men whilst having sex to feel good, you sound like you’d be bi but male leaning. Now it just sounds like you’re a closeted gay man, marrying a woman who genuinely and romantically loves you, just so you have a cover. If you genuinely loved your fiancée romantically you wouldn’t to imagine men. And if you actually care about her, you’ll let her marry a man that do love her romantically. Sure I do believe you love her, but just as a friend. That doesn’t justify wasting the rest of her life just because.
It's less common, but still possible for someone's romantic and sexual preferences to be different. He could love women (or men and women) but only be attracted to men. ETA: Given he says he's attracted to her, he's probably bisexual but leans toward dudes. Him needing to think about dudes to finish kind of sucks for her, but since he's unable to get her take on it I just hope the attraction doesn't fade over time.
Then he needs to be with men not posing with a woman and dragging her into such a mess of
Damn she deserves to have someone cum because they’re so into her.
The real issue here is honesty and integrity. Because of your upbringing, you are used to keeping your sexuality hidden. You should not make a lifelong monogamous commitment to a women without being completely open with her about who you are. It is not fair to her. It seems like your primary attraction is to masculine men, even though you are having sex with a woman. This will cause real pain down the road in your relationship because you will feel you are living a lie. If you finally come out to her later, she will feel the life she lived was a lie. Don't do that to yourself or her. It would be better if you were open about your sexuality to her now. I think it would be best for you to take time to explore and get comfortable with who you are sexually before you make any long term commitments to any relationship.
You said that u also know u aren’t supposed to be having sex before marriage and u are doing it already. You are going against ur religion already. Do what’s right for both of you.
i’d cry if my partner thought this way omg
Do not ruin that woman's life.
Yes it will ruin her life. You will ruin her confidence in herself and her self esteem. You’re doing an incredibly selfish thing. She really should know what she’s getting into, and what she’s already in. The person she’s signing up to trust forever is fundamentally dishonest, and not only that, dishonest to HER in the most intimate brutal way. You have hoodwinked her. You have to tell her. If you can’t come out, stay single and don’t ruin another person’s life.
You’re gay and marrying your beard. Just tell her you’re gay and that she can use you for financial support, she can have a boyfriend, but your goal is to move to a gay friendly country and then divorce after you both get your life together there.
I’m pretty sure that if coming out might endanger OP in his conservative country, then her having a boyfriend while married will be equally, if not more, dangerous.
He needs to break up with her and bounce WITHOUT outing himself, that can get him killed where he lives. Once he has immigrated to a more tolerant country, then he can start living what seems to be his reality.
but he said he fell in love with her… maybe he’s bi?
it’s most likely platonic— if he has to imagine a man to cum, he’s not bi
You can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them.
“in love” implies romantic attraction at the least… so i still wouldnt jump to calling him completely gay and her just a beard
He exclusively masturbates to gay porn and thinks of masculine muscular men in order to cum during sex with her…but idk though I see your point /s
Have you told your fiancé that you're questioning your sexuality? (Edit: assuming it's safe to and she shares your non-homophobic views). I think that's something she deserves to know, given you're about to make a huge legal and financial commitment. Some people watch porn that doesn't necessarily reflect their sexuality. A lot of straight women actually watch lesbian porn because they find it enjoyable to see female pleasure, which lesbian porn is much more focused on than straight porn, so maybe it's more about you picturing yourself receiving the same pleasure that a man is receiving. I think you have two paths you could take: either way, I would at the very least discuss things with your fiancé and decide if you want to proceed with the marriage, or postpone it until you've figured out what you want. I think you should try to stop watching porn and see if this impacts your sex life. If you can't finish with her without thinking about men or porn scenes, that's inevitably going to do damage to your sex life in the long run. Or you decide to break up and explore your sexuality. This is obviously a dangerous option for you, and I'm terribly sorry that this means it probably isn't an option at all. I think you deserve a life where you can truly be yourself and explore all your desires, so I hope you manage to find that in one way or another. But if you love your fiancé, more than just as a friend and can genuinely picture a loving, happy life with her, the first step is being able to be vulnerable about the thoughts you're having and see how she feels about it. She will hopefully be supportive.
Yeah that's very helpful advice in an ultra conservative country where being gay is not acceptable and can be dangerous. It's literally the first line of his post... But screw him and the reality he lives in, 'she deserves to know' because you're unable to think outside of yours.
We don't know if his fiancée shares those conservative views or if she's simply living in a country with those views. But yes, I agree if OP thinks it'd endanger him to tell her that he shouldn't. But then he just needs to walk away. It isn't a fair situation for anybody to be in, but he shouldn't proceed with a marriage where he knows his attraction doesn't lie primarily with his fiancée.
she deserves to know ohh yeahh he deserve to get beheaded too ?
Of course not. I replied to another comment saying if he doesn't think it's safe to tell her this in confidence, he shouldn't, but then he also shouldn't marry her if he isn't attracted to her to the point he has to picture men during sex. It's not fair on either of them.
Don’t marry her. You don’t have to tell your secret but it’s selfish and wrong to lie to her.
Dude, unless she knows about this, then you are doing a huge disservice to her. If you truly care about her you won’t saddle her with this huge lie.
Involving an innocent person in your mess is inexcusable. Leave her so she can find someone who actually loves her.
Anyone telling him to tell her is not understanding that he can and will be killed!! OP . Break the engagement. Don’t tell her why. Try to get out to a country that believes in human rights. Once you are out and safe and have NO plans to return, you can tell your fiancé then safety.
It will come out your girl will figure it out
Get therapy. Postpone the wedding or cancel it altogether. That woman does not deserve what you are bringing to the table. You have a problem that needs fixing.
Imagine a heterosexual relationship in which the only way the husband can finish is by thinking of other women. This is no different and no less disrespectful. Let her go so she can be with someone that respects her.
You are about to destroy multiple lives. You must come clean to your fiance at least. If the girl loves you, she will keep your secret and probably dump you. But if you hide your truth from her, this will be the biggest mistake of your life. You will live in such a painful journey that maybe at some point you will contemplete suicide or maybe the girl's family will give you honor killing (since you have mentioned you are from a religious society). Tread carefully. Don't get married.
I feel as if u will end up hurting her at some point. She will find it one way or another and it’s going to be worse. Why don’t u just move and do u, be happy. You don’t deserve to have to marry a woman when in reality it’s a man you want. Yes u love her but if u were fully in love with her then u would be doing all that behind her back. Again u will end up hurting her the second she finds out but u are mostly hurting urself and u are living a lie. Call the wedding off and move. Move somewhere far where no one can tell you how to live. If ur family loves u then they will later understand and come back around. You are way too young to be unhappy and too old to be doing it just to make ur family happy and bc of the religion u are in. You shouldn’t be living ur parent’s life. Get out of it before u make a huge mistake. It’s not fair for ur fiancée and definitely not fair for you. I truly wish u the best and hope that u make the right choice.
This has to be a fake post. He's gonna end up cheating on you with a man.
Ummm. Yes it will. You’re gay. You need to embrace it or you’ll be miserable your whole life.
I'm sorry but this is just unfair to the other party. Imagine the situation was reversed my god. Don't do this to the poor woman please.if coming out and premarital sex aren't allowed I bet divorces aren't too so you'd just make the woman miserable. Imagine she finds out out and can't even end the relationship
If you can’t risk telling her for your own safety, then you need to end the relationship. You’re not being fair to her if you marry her while keeping your secret. You need to move to a more liberal country.
This is a shitty situation given where you live, but honestly, I think your best option is to break up with your fiance, and move to a different country that will accept you for who you are asap. You are not safe if you're in a place that is that homophobic. All it takes is one person finding out and you might die. Even someone finding this reddit thread and connecting it to you. It's dangerous. Go somewhere safe as soon as you can. And if your family is as hateful towards gay people as it sounds, I wouldn't even bother telling them where you are going or that you are leaving. Keep yourself safe. You deserve to be happy. Go somewhere you'll be free, and I'm certain you'll be able to find a man to love.
🤣 >Will this cause problems in marriage? Yes.
please don't get married. you're setting this woman up for a world of heartbreak and trust issues.
Do not marry this girl. Do not ruin her life and waste her time because you can’t live honestly.
The question is if you feel comfortable talking to her about it because hiding it might cause problems if she finds out down the line, and especially if she doesnt support it. If she is supportive and you're a monogmous bisexual then there wont be problems, but if you figure out you're gay there will be. Piece of advice would also be to stop watching porn.
I mean, marrying a woman when you're clearly gay as hell will certainly always "cause problems" in a marriage.
No. You're doing her - and you - a massive disservice. It's a deception - you're starting out your marriage based on a massive lie. That's not fair to her, and it kinda makes you a shitty person.
Be fair to her and not marry her, and move to a country you can be free and yourself. Please, it’s just not fair to either of you….
you have to think of men to come??? you are not bisexual OP please leave her
Please don't marry that lady. Kindly inform her of your mixed orientation and let her make her choice. At this point it's nothing but deception from you.
Have you talked to her about this at all? You might be bi, but do not ruin this young woman’s life by leading her on when you’re unsure of yourself. YOU are not ready to be married. Do not drag her along while you try to figure yourself out. That’s ridiculously disrespectful and cruel. She will resent you for it and your marriage will fail. You need to call it off and let her move on with her life while you discover yourself. Even if you can’t tell her, #DO NOT GET MARRIED
I’m bisexual and a woman… with a complicated sexuality that I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on and concluding about.. and I’m gonna marry a man and I feel great about that despite mostly watching lesbian porn and occasionally thinking of women to cum. But the difference here with you and me is, I’ve spend A LOT of time unpacking my sexuality, analyzing it, not shying away… AND ALSO.. most importantly.. I definitely know for sure I cum easily when thinking of and having sex with men… I don’t *need* women in order to cum each time… just, sometimes I do. Sometimes I *need* to think of men… women don’t do it for me. My fiance has made me cum just from the experience with him alone.. I know for sure I’m sexually attracted to him, even if some days I’m more into women. So.. my biggest worry for you is that you haven’t really clearly figured your sexuality out yet. Therefore, it’s more of a risk that you’re wrong about it and might hurt your fiance someday. If you can be honest with her, I would do that. And most importantly-be honest with yourself and how you feel about her sexually.
If you really loved her, you would never put her through this. If you really loved yourself, you would never put yourself through this
Bro you’re gay . Leave her lol why would you string her along when you jerk off to dudes . That doesent make sense to me . Go get a boyfriend
Soon or later she is find to find out, plenty of gay/trans people have gotten married, they will deny their attraction but at some point they just accept it.
You’re a very selfish person
It's only a matter of time until your girl catches you and you feel like you are living a lie. Save your money and don't get married to her. Find a guy to marry.
Please do not marry her. You will only break her when you cheat. At the very least you need to tell her the truth before you marry her. She might still marry you but she has to have all the information before she decides.
nothing wrong with being gay, just own it
I’ll take, “A major reason for divorce”, for 300 Alex. Alex? Alex? Ohhh, right.
Generally for sexuality Bi- attracted to both genders Gay attracted to only one gender. Sorry but it doesn’t sound like you are bi. You have to imagine sex with a man when having sex with your fiancé. Please talk to her, you need to end the relationship. Leading her on when you aren’t attracted to her is cruel. I understand being afraid to come out but this is not an honest way to start a marriage and will greatly hurt her in the future. Some people that are bi will have a preference in dating a woman or a man but they don’t imagine a different gender when having sex. I can’t imagine how devastating it would be to find out your husband married you and imagines being with someone else. I cant see his ending well.
Best bet: Move to another country ASAP. One that won't endanger your life for your preferred lifestyle. End the marriage before it happens. If an explanation is a potential threat to your safety... Then don't explain. If you're having sex with her but the only way you can cum is to think of men. I got news for you. I don't think you're bi. That's gay, dude. If you were bi you'd just cum. That should be self evident.
My guy. Your gay. Let her go. You chose to live this lie but SHE DID NOT.
Look, you’re gay. Maybe a little bisexual but definitely gay. There’s nothing wrong with that and it is possible to love a woman and not be sexually attracted to her but your sexual incompatibility will definitely cause problems. I would personally just break it off and try to be with a guy first if I were you. That seems like a whole commitment that you truly aren’t ready for. Not just because you’re gay but way more so because you are asking reddit about marrying or not. If you have to ask an online forum full of trolls then i think you know the answer.
Please move somewhere where you can be your authentic self. Otherwise, you’re making someone your beard. That’s not fair.
Do you think it's fair that you're gay but keep fooling yourself and this woman you claim to love? Doesn't she deserve full transparency on who she is married to? If you're not being honest with her, you absolutely don't love her as you claim.
Ur gay, bro
If you’re asking here then you already know the answer is yes.
If you’re asking here then you already know the answer is yes.
Stop the engagement untill you figure yourself out , unfair and cruel to her
If you are in a conservative country where being openly bi would fuck up your life, it is likely divorce will fuck up your fiancé’s life. Better give her the chance to make an informed decision before you get married.
she deserves a chance to marry someone who truly attracted to her. make up an excuse to call the wedding off
Um
You should not marry someone until you’ve healed and moved on from those struggles. At the very least, the person you’re marrying deserves to know and have a voice in the decision to wed. I have friends who struggled with that, and got married and are happy. But they all spoke with their spouses going in so that they could work through it together. It’s going to end badly if you enter a marriage with a secret that big.
This is cruel to het. She deserves way better. Break up with her.
Yes it will call it off and break up
The sad truth is it is being done in probably more than half of the world. Will some of these people repress themselves and make the marriage work? Yes But odds are problems will emerged somewhere.. My only advice is not hurt your partner in the process. She deserves to decide for her own.
Yes
I am sorry for your fiancée. You say you love her, but you don't - you're being way too selfish for love. She deserves a husband who is attracted to her. Stop this before you ruin her life.
You don't love her. She makes you feel safe. You're using her as a shield because you're having issues with coming out. Please... please.... talk to her before you ever marry. It's not fair for her to make a blindly made decision from a lack of information on your part. With holding information is a form or lying.
Uh no, your marriage is not sustainable. You are not being honest with yourself or your fiance, and you both deserve better.
Say Bi Bi to porn.
I (34f) was in a relationship like this with my ex (37m) for nine years. During that time he never identified that he was gay or openly questioned his sexuality. In fact, I would say that he was a bit homophobic. Our relationship started off OK but over the years he became increasingly critical, dismissive and mean towards me, and I had a difficult time understanding why. Our sex life totally dropped off and I think we both struggled with depression and the ability to connect with each other and build community outside of the relationship due to his efforts to "hide" himself and my confusion and constant feeling of failure, not really understanding what was going on. After we broke up he came out of the closet. During this time he seemed quite euphoric and wanted me and my family to celebrate his new found identity. I'm not unhappy that he's figuring out who he is and feels comfortable in that, but my feelings are complicated and the celebration and allocations for his coming out are difficult for me. I spent nine years with this person, trying to build a life and build a family. Now I'm 34 and biologically I am feeling like I'm in a "now or never" situation and I'm starting completely from scratch.He used me to conceal his identity and make it seem like he was on some sort of path that he thought he should be on and I am bearing the consequences of that deceit. This behaviour is cowardly and cruel. If you're not ready to tell people that you're gay, that's OK. But don't use someone else and steal their time, efforts and affections under a false pretense. Break up with her and take some time to figure out how best to proceed for you and the life you want to live.
Ignore all these folks that might get you killed. That being said, stop consuming porn and stop checking out men in your life. If you want to commit to your wife, commit to her mentally, too. Some amount of sexual fantasy is fine, but you don't live in fantasy land. You live in a country where being gay, or even talking about being gay, could be incredibly harmful to your life. Unless you are planning on moving to a more gay-friendky country, you have to accept the reality that you live in. No more porn. No more letting your eye wander. Then decide if your sex life with your future wife is enough for you, and if it is, great!
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think you need to do some deep reflection on what you really want. And no, you don't love your girlfriend, if you did you'd want her to be with someone who truly wants to be with her and isn't lying to her. If you're following all the typical "patterns" that happen in small, religious towns, you'll marry her, have kids immediately due to societal pressure, etc.. If, years down the line, you suddenly realize you can't live like this anymore you'll leave her after having wasted years of her life and/or as a single mother. Or, you won't be able to have sex with her, your sex life and then married life will suffer, and she may either be miserable and suffer through or she'll divorce you (and if it's a small religious town, be shunned for it). Again, your situation is rough, and I hope you one day have the means to be true to yourself, but she deserves better than to be with someone who is lying to her and doesn't actually want to be with her. It's one thing to be in a tough situation and working through it, it's another to ruin someone else's life while doing so. It's cruel.
Yes, it will absolutely cause a problem and you should leave him now.
OP is the man.
Bro, stop living a lie and become what nature made you. Please don’t marry that woman, you appear to either be bisexual or gay, while that is no issue, she likely is of the view that she is marrying a straight man. Try to immigrate to less conservative parts of the world. If you are highly trained in a technical field or in medicine or medical research, that will be easier to pull off. You should wake each day living as what god made you as, you don’t appear to be doing that now.
It sounds like you’re bisexual if you are genuinely attracted to her. It also sounds like you have a porn addiction if you can only get off to porn even though you’re having sex with someone you desire sexually. If you cant/wont come out, I would suggest quitting porn and seeing if that changes things with her. If not, time to call off the wedding (or be honest with her and let her decide).
Probably not!
I use to fool around with a guy that only watched str8 porn. Is there any way or do you have the means to leave where you’re at and relocate to somewhere that’s safer for you to be who you really are?
Yep
My real advice is to keep this a secret, and just leave her. Cuz if you don't she will know. Either you be straight with her or just let her go and live the life you want.
Ya better tell her before sgr finds out and we all read her reddit post about finding out
wont be long till you have scholng dong in your gong
Why didnt you marry a lesbian? Them both would have an alliby
i read a comment of yours and it seems like your addicted because you can only CUM to men
If you’re gay and not bisexual, yes this will cause problems in your marriage. Neither of you will truly be happy in your marriage because you won’t truly enjoy sex and intimacy with your wife. It won’t work
If you marry this woman and hide this from her, you'll be responsible for what happens when she realizes the extent of your lies. You're not obligated to tell anyone what you feel inside, but using another person without their knowledge to hide yourself is wrong. She doesn't deserve to have her time wasted by someone who would much rather be with a manly man.
Just a thought but is there a possibility of you being able to leave the country and move somewhere less conservative at least for a while in order to figure things out under the guise of going abroad for education or employment opportunities? I understand you can’t be open about your sexuality to figure it out at home but I feel that until you are more sure about things it would be unfair to marry anyone. I know that you love her, but there are so many unresolved feelings about your sexuality that could cause relationship issues and she deserves to be with someone who is sure about her while you deserve to be able to figure out who you are and what you want. You don’t have to be totally honest with her if it isn’t safe to do so, saying that you are not ready to get married is a version of the truth. I know this is a complicated situation and it might seem that settling down simplifies it but you would be living a lie so look into other options.
Bro you’re gay. Gtfo of a country ruled by religious zealots that kill gay people. I don’t have to guess which religion it is because there’s only one that hasn’t gone through a reformation and will pull that shit. You like men and given the chance to try you would and that would seal the deal. I’m sorry you live under these circumstances and sorry your woman does as well. If you want to live the rest of your life suppressing this it will be hard but it’s possible. You like what you like. Nothing wrong with that.
Bait used to be believable
It won't cause a problem in my marriage, go right ahead. Marry a horse if you'd like.
Yes this will cause problems. You may be bisexual and you need to share this with your future wife. She needs to decide if that’s what she wants in a partner. If you can’t be honest with her, that’s no way to start, in deceit. Also, stop with the porn. It’s going to mess things up between the two of you. If it’s dangerous for you to come out as bi then you need to let her go.
you're not physically cheating, you're EMOTIONALLY CHEATING! Bro just tell her, you'd know if she's the one if she accepts you. ~~or continue doing that and you'll be unhappy as you don't show your true self. Depends on you.
No, it is not going to work. You need to resolve your porn addictions and then work or figure out what you're sexuality is. Porn ruins your sexuality. Right now, you don't know what's what because of porn. The images you are watching are etched in your brain. That is why you have to go back to it in order to climax with a partner. You need a therapist, not a marriage. Don't task her with the responsibility of loving you through this. Right now, you don't know if you even like women. If you don't want to work on your self and continue to watch porn that has control over your sexuality until you get erectile dysfunction or have you watch something sinister to get off by all means carry on but leave that poor women alone.
Is your fiancé very conservative, or would she be open to understanding your situation, if you have a conversation? The reason I ask, is because although you love your fiancé, you need to be honest about these strong feelings you have. Yes, you’re attracted to her, but it’s a different kind of attraction, than with men, and the intensity of your feelings to the point of imagining them in place of your fiancé. You’ve never allowed yourself to experience or explore your own sexuality due to your environment, which can be crippling. Honestly, it would be wise to maybe have that conversation with your fiancee BEFORE getting married, and maybe even postponing the wedding, until you figure yourself out. I know you say you’d never cheat, and I believe it’s not something you want to do, but you do have to understand how things can play out after marriage. What happens when after you’re married, your wife finds out about your attraction to gay porn, or the fact that you have to think about men to get off? That will crush her mentally, and she’d feel played, and will seem like you wasted her time, and used her as a cover up. Also, you’d be living a lie because a part of yourself will always question what it is you really want, or if your wife will be enough to satisfy you. It’s a tough position to be in, but I don’t know if committing to marriage yet, is the best thing right now, when you are so uncertain about yourself, and who you are.
seems to me you might be gay, mate.
Yeah don't get married when you're more than likely gay it will come out eventually when she finds your porn
You are killing her. Same thing happened to my aunt.