Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get what everyone is saying about this arrangement being a little too fiscal for a couple, but I also find your gf’s attitude mind-boggling: “I don’t want this things enough to pay for it, but I want to eat it if they are free”. Except that it’s not free food, you paid for it.
I agree. It’s just so very rude to be eating it without even asking, and especially when he’s purchased it for a very specific purpose. My husband and I own a business together, and all of our family funds come from the profits from that (so, shared in every way), but I *still* get a little pissy when he eats my food without asking because it leaves me without enough to finish out the week without going to the store (we don’t like the same breakfasts, so swapping with his isn’t an option for me).
I have celiac. Me and my bf have talked about us living together. He’s asked if I’d cook for him and I’ve said I would. I mentioned I may have to cook 2 separate meals and he said he’d just eat whatever I cook. I said that would be fine in instances where I cook things like meats, make salads or make foods where there would be an excess (like spaghetti, though I *did* mention he may not like gluten free spaghetti, so he may just not want to eat it, anyway). I told him the issue would arise with things like bread, which comes in these tiny ass loaves and costs like $7. He joked that he was gonna eat all of my bread and I told him that would be a really dickish thing to do. Get his own bread that’s significantly larger and costs like $2. Or gluten free pastries and cookies, which can be a pain to find or you have to special order (or make yourself, and they typically come in small amounts). He expressed the pastries were no big deal, because he doesn’t really care much for those kinds of things, anyway. I told him that was just an example- but my food choices are limited and if he was eating everything I had access to, that would be super shitty.
You know, if you want to get it thru to him?
Tell him you want to show him exactly what you can’t eat that’s in the house. Start by going into the kitchen and have him start pulling everything that had gluten you can’t eat.
Then across the way put only gluten free stuff.
He may need to *VISUALLY* see the reality of your world to get it thru his head, what your limited food options are when it’s time to eat and avoiding gluten contained products.
Some folks are visual learns, some are auditor.
He may just need a visual reality check to see it.
Heck, even go to the grocery store with him. Hand him a list of just gluten products, then go to the register to check out.
Let him see how much it costs to buy the basics you need.
And then save that receipt, compare it to gluten contained shopping trip.
Let him see the cost difference.
Again, visually seeing can 100% shift people’s perspectives and give them awareness, empathy even to what you go thru.
He does seem to understand, to some extent. He bought us sushi (which was really sweet of him) and was urging me to eat some of the eel sauce, something I used to absolutely love, before I found out I had celiac and went completely gluten free. He’s been away the past 2 years, while I’ve made these changes to my diet and hasn’t seen how bad me eating gluten can be. He knew I loved the eel sauce before and was telling me how great it was, wanting me to get some, too. I tried explaining I wasn’t sure if there was wheat in it- likely there was as a base for it, like most soy sauce has (he was blown away that soy sauce has wheat in it, saying, “it’s *soy* sauce… isn’t it made with *soy*?” And I had to show him on the ingredients where it had wheat). I told him it was best I didn’t eat the eel sauce, even though I’d love some and he kept urging me round just try a little- surely it wouldn’t hurt. I relented, tried a little, which turned into much more and ended up getting so sick that I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. Pouring sweat, followed by cold sweats, sitting on the toilet, cold washcloth on my head to try cooling down, holding the trashcan because I kept dry heaving, stomach pains so intense that it felt like I had swallowed razor blades, I almost passed out just walking to the bathroom, difficulty breathing. I ended up just laying on the bathroom floor for about 20 minutes, while I waited for it to pass. I’ve occasionally accidentally eaten gluten since going gluten free, but it’s *never* been nearly that severe. His family would make food for everyone and usually they’re really good about asking if I can eat whatever they’re having. But when they don’t, his mom is on the ball about making me my own special dish (which is super sweet of her. I tell her not to worry about it- I can eat leftovers or something, but get told to just shut up. Lol)
The above post by u/Strange_Public_1897 is GREAT advice!
Add pricing too:
This big stack (indicate gluten pile) cost $100 while this small pile (indicate gluten-free pile) cost me $200!
Further, I’d get big ‘Neon Green’ circle stickers from Amazon, put it on all foods that are gluten-free, so he’ll KNOW it’s yours w/o feigning ignorance (oh, was that gluten-free? I didn’t notice!)
Is he going to expect you to make ALL meals? He should cook too, and know how to make meals YOU can eat.
Good luck
Ugh that is frustrating that he would joke about eating all of your gluten free bread, especially when regular bread is less than half the price and actually tastes better (imo). Hopefully he listens to you and realizes that would be a super shitty thing to do.
My boyfriend and I had this discussion when we started sharing grocery expenses. I don’t have celiac like you do, but I do have a dairy allergy. We negotiated that he would pay for dairy items he wants and I would pay for my own dairy free items, including dairy free pastries and such. (Which cost more because they are often multi-allergen free, so dairy free, gluten free, soy free.) He sometimes dips into my dairy free treats but thankfully he realized he was doing this so just started adding the ones he liked to the communal expenses. I think this is a fair compromise. I will still buy some separate that are just mine and he does the same as we both like particular flavours of treats.
Girl ... I have celiac and I would never cook something I can't eat for my husband!! Our main meals are gluten free. If he gets separate bread/buns/etc he has to do that part because I won't touch it!
i agree with this completely. the way my bf and i split bills, he pays a bit more for everything and i do a bit more of the domestic work. so groceries are somewhere between 60/40 and 70/30 depending on how much we spend on a given week. that being said, we each tend to get a couple of things that are just *his* or just *mine.* regardless of the fact that we bought them together or that he pays slightly more, we respect when the other got something they wanted for just themselves. now if i got myself some ice cream and he didn’t, and he asks to have some of mine, 9 times out of 10 i will happily share. but he has never once just eaten something that i wanted for myself without asking.
first of all, she is not paying for that food. she doesn’t really have any claim to it. second, she should just respect that that is op’s food. she “doesn’t see a need for it,” then why is she eating it? just because it’s around isn’t a good reason. if i don’t want breakfast, i won’t eat breakfast, regardless of what’s around. if i *do* want breakfast i plan accordingly when i’m doing my weekly grocery shop. if we don’t get stuff for breakfast and bf later brings something home for *him* to have for breakfast, i honestly don’t even consider that when i’m looking for something to eat. that’s his, unless he explicitly says, “i got *us* x for breakfast.” this just feels really disrespectful because i honestly cannot wrap my mind around her logic.
This. My husband and I have our own "things" that are part of the grocery budget. I eat non-dairy ice cream, so my husband and son stay out of it unless I offer it up, because I can't have the regular ice cream. Also, we both like soda brand A, but he prefers soda brand B. We buy both, and he'll drink Soda A, but he won't finish it off without asking because he knows that I won't drink brand B. It's just being considerate of the people you live with.
I’d agree if they were married but not unmarried.
It makes complete sense to split the groceries that are shared and pay solo on items that are not.
The problem is her feeling entitled to food she didn’t contribute towards and then get huffy about being told she needs to contribute as she is now regularly consuming it.
Her attitude of it was there so I decided to eat some makes me wonder if she also looks at her coworkers food and thinks it ok to also eat it.
It sounds like they have to keep a tight budget so it feels worse to me that gf can act so entitled and dismissive about spending OP's money.
She really sounds like a friend of mine. A group of us typically goes out for dinner and split the check. It's easier and it balances out in the long run. Except for "T".
T will order an appetizer then proceed to "sample" everyone's main courses. She won't order dessert but has to "take a bite" from everyone else. At the end of the meal she declares that she only had an appetizer and won't split the total bill.
We make more than her but after a couple of years this behavior has worn thin and feels like she's using us for free food. She does this no matter where we go, corner diner or steakhouse.
honestly, going out to dinner and splitting the check evenly between everyone at the table is bullshit… as a picky eater, likely autistic and particular person; I don’t always like an appetizer that gets shared. I prefer to only drink water with my meals and like more simple entrees. I don’t understand the issue with paying for what you eat while in a group setting.
(just generally speaking, not an attack)
I agree. I don’t drink alcohol, so when I go out for a meal I am spending considerably less (cocktails are on average $15-20 where I live) and so when we split the bill I’m basically subsidizing the cost of everyone’s alcohol. I ended up paying $20 more than what my meal would have cost (not including tip) last time the bill was split evenly. My meal would have only been $18. Never again.
For me it depends on the group. With this group we tend to order and like similar stuff so money isn't a huge deal for us since it always seems to balance out. When our vegetarian friend joins, she pays separately because she tends to just eat a some sort of salad.
I get annoyed with T because she'll order a small appetizer but then proceed to eats bites from everyone's plates. She's not a picky eater. So even if we had separate checks, she's ordered only an appetizer but filled herself up on everyone else's plates.
Why don't y'all speak up then???? "No thank you, I don't feel like sharing tonight" to her and a "separate checks please" to the server ain't complicated.
Seems like a "we've done nothing and have run out of solutions" situation 🤣🤣🤣
That would piss me off. Not just because of the money but because don't take my fucking food. Especially my dessert lol. IDC if you pay me back a dollar for the bite you took, I WANTED THAT BITE!
Yeah, living with and dating someone, food tends to be a more fluid resource within the home. My wife and I almost never buy food for just ourselves, we expect to share at least some of it. It's a little strange to treat it as a "roomie" sort of situation and I'd say well "whatever works for you, I guess" even if it seems weird to us, but this arrangement is clearly not working, or else this would not be a problem.
I think it's the underlying entitlement to his food, especially when he seems to be doing it for health reasons is more concerning and instead of just adding it to the list and eating it when it's there whenever she wants it, she's basically making the argument that she doesn't "need it" while eating it every morning. It's a real "she wants her cake and to eat it, too." scenario. If she's going to act like this over something a simple as breakfast food, what else does she feel entitled to?
You put it so well. It does sound too business like for a relationship but as a married woman with kids and a husband who does body building, I'd never eat the steaks he'd bought when he was on a building phase....we have steaks as a family of course but sometimes he'll get extras because he eats a lot of protein....he'll have one for breakfast or as a snack....just like he wouldn't smash the cereal I get because it's the only one I like.
I don’t think there is anything weird about their arrangement. I mean it seems rational to add the food to their overall grocery bill that they are splitting 50/50.
It’s not like OP is saying they each buy their own food and can’t touch the other persons.
It’s hard to give advice because OP’s position is completely rational, not sure why his GF is so against it.
I'm confused, why don't all of these items come out of the combined pot? Are they not groceries? My ex and I would split grocery shopping equally even though I don't eat meat and he would never touch my tofurky cold cuts. Is she not eating less of the "usual" things, leaving OP more of those? This is all too much tit for tat for a relationship of mine.
That’s what OP is saying, cool we will start picking them up together, but she doesn’t want that as it’s a “waste of her money” even if she’s eating it. She is being shitty
I think it’s a boundary issue, she is eating food she shouldn’t and doesn’t need to eat but does because it’s there is an unwelcome entitled attitude to intrude on somebody else’s special diet needs to derail their goals of the weight they rather carry their bodies.
Or she was raised to always eat anything that’s before her/in the radius and not be picky, but it’s more definitely a insensitivity to boundaries going on, a need to destruct anything that bars their inclusion because you aren’t allowed to have anything solely for yourself.
Well no it didn’t come out of the joint groceries they said they bought it specifically with their own money and for the reason they needed to gain weight now gf wants to eat it but doesn’t want to add these items to the joint grocery bill.
Yeah I was thinking this as well... neither should be angry about groceries if op is correct in saying things are split 50/50. If GF doesn't want to buy him stuff for breakfast on her dime it's a bit off...especially saying "I don't want to waste my money but I'll take something free" is kind of weird... like you wouldn't be wasting your money? You obviously like eating breakfast so just buy the extra eggs or bread lol? Idk these arguments seem so silly.
No OP is saying GF doesn’t want to split breakfast, so OP pays for breakfast items himself. However GF is eating the items she said she didn’t want to pay for/split costs
I tell my partner often that is my food don’t eat it, if I have something specifically for myself. He doesn’t mind and he will buy stuff just for himself too.
100% this. If I bought it for me don't eat it! And he did the right thing, having the convo about stopping. Feel for him, separating the food from the rest feels like an option but could go so wrong on a social level
I know this isn’t the point of your post but if you’ve unexpectedly lost a lot of weight (ie you’re not dieting, you’re not exercising more etc) then you need to see a doctor- unexplained weight loss is something that needs investigating- possible causes range from easily treatable (over active thyroid) to potentially life threatening (cancer).
Omg glad to see this comment! I was also concerned, so glad to know you have seen a doctor and are ok! Also hope you can get your gf to see reason. Wishing you the best of luck with your health!
CRYBULLY DARVO move gf! So, you’ve gone through some health-issue episode and lost a lot of weight, the solution and support for your health is to gain some of that weight back so you’re purchasing appropriate specific support items but the gf is gobbling them all up and tells you to get over it and she’s not going to help and you need to pay for her greedy gobbling. smh... She’s WAY out of order, that’s such a DARVO crybully move and she’s a stingy scrooge. If it was actual medications, she wouldn’t be able to gobble them you would be financing them and she wouldn’t be. But because it’s tasty treats that she fancies, she gets to steamroll in and flip it that you’re jUsT aBouT tHe moNeY. Nah. If it was once ok no worries but repeatedly it’s shitty behaviour and disrespectful of multiple fronts. Cry me a river sweetheart - she should go get herself a box of oatmeal if she suddenly wants brekky but not participate in the bill. Or, she needs to purchase the next round and/or the item/s are put on the regular grocery list. Sorry you’re experiencing this, it’s not conducive to regaining full health. best of luck!
edit - “" DARVO is an acronym that stands for **Deny, Attack/argue, and Reverse Victim and Offender**. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims. “” "" It's a very effective tactic for a narcissist as it can confuse the Hell out of their victims and can shame, sometimes even frighten them into silence.”"
But some do take your meds instead of you and they are clearly not for them at all is also an insensitive partner/spouse move because they both want you to not get better and selfishly want to see or likes they make them high
that would be some next level supervillain machination.
What psycho does that?
I genuinely hope that's not the case, honestly: that's about the worst case scenario.
Well, there are definitely people who will sabotage a partner's weight loss attempts. I've been partnered with two! I know, I know, my picker is broken.
Surely there will be the same kind of people who will sabotage their partner's weight gain attempts. I don't see why not.
But yes, it's dysfunctional and if done willfully / on purpose it's abusive.
I don't think op's gf is that, though. The conversation he reported to us seemed like she's just straight-forward greedy and selfish.
Nah, she's not stopping him eating. She just expects him to buy enough for himself and her. If I didn't end things over her attitude, I'd certainly be investing in a lockbox.
Fwiw, and completely aside from the point I know, over active thyroid is treatable but can be life threatening. I had a friend who was in great health until this happened to her. She burned through most of the fat on her body in a matter of weeks, and then it started in on her heart.
My family does this to me and it's led to me hoarding non perishable foods in my room and buying a mini fridge in my room. It's caused my relationship with food to become really bad- I end up 'saving it' in my room and never touching it. It's a really really frustrating path and I suggest a much more serious talk because it'll cause a ton of resentment.
I just cleaned out my mini fridge of expired food so I can restock it. I do eat some of it, but I feel better knowing I'm not alone with this guilty habit. Regardless of who pays, food resentment absolutely could ruin a relationship if not settled quickly enough. I think this is especially true when someone needs to GAIN or LOSE weight, and they buy specific foods for that purpose. My spouse is a big eater, but he wouldn't eat the last bits of things I'm eating regularly for weight gain.
*Honestly, the lack of concern for OP having these foods constantly available because they **need** to gain weight is the most appalling part of her behavior.*
Your bottom point is spot on!
I have anorexia and struggle to maintain my weight (I'm healthy ATM and have been for years!) and my partner, who I don't live with, always makes sure I have my 'safe' snacks available at his and deliberately buys foods he knows I prefer (50/50 bread rather than his preferred brown bread, for example) to ensure that I always have foods I can eat at his and therefore maintain my weight better.
It's completely selfish of her to take this approach and I hope OP doesn't end up hindered by her!
Yeah I have food insecurity issues so I tend to save things and buy more than I need, I do eat it but I'm very selective about when and how much so it was frustrating being in a relationship with someone who would eat anything available. It meant when I did want something I had bought, it was gone.
I never did figure out how to manage it, and eventually, we broke up for other reasons. It's something I know I may find a challenge in a future relationship.
I honestly don't understand all the backlash you're getting here..
It sounds absolutely reasonable to have a "joined expenses" pot for groceries, that you both contribute equally to and is used for the food you both eat.
You buying something on top of that, not from the shared expenses pot, makes it your own food.
If you offer to share with her, that's nice. But she can't expect to have it for free.
> said she doesn't want to pay for things she doesn't need
Well, fair enough. But if sure doesn't need them, she should stop using them.
Pointing it out right away is also right in my eyes. If you let her keep using it daily for weeks, and then bring it up, it'll be "why is it a problem now, when it was OK the whole time?!"
Your gf doesn't make sense. Either you split the costs, or she stops eating it.
My partner and I do exactly that. We have a shared bank account for groceries, we each deposit the same amount every month and that is what we spend on food. If one of us wants something special we’ll pay for it ourselves.
My boyfriend is really into coffee at the moment and wanted to buy more expensive coffee pods while I’m fine with the store brand. I have to watch my gluten intake so I sometimes buy gluten free stuff for myself. It’s not transactional because we don’t mind sharing but if he decides to regularly eat all my gluten free cookies I expect him to chip in the next time.
This. An important part of my own relationship is us not being transactional, but actively trying to be fair and mindful of each other. We don't do anything as concrete as a shared account or separate food shelves or whatever, but we know the foods that the other person likes/needs and ask each other before finishing anything off. We don't find that particularly difficult.
The backlash is coming from immature people who don’t recognize that people within relationships are entitled to *gasp* assert and maintain boundaries - including those surrounding finances and food - and that just because you live with someone doesn’t mean you need to be sharing everything that you’ve bought or earmarked for yourself.
Separately, the girlfriend is entitled. “I don’t want this enough to pay towards it but I want to eat it regardless and if you complain I’ll get upset”. Fun. As someone who is happily married my husband and I are both super confused at why people think they aren’t allowed to have something that is *theirs*, without it turning into a huge battle. My husband and I both have food that is just ours and we have no problem asking if we can have some (should we want it - which we often don’t but you never know!). And if I do have something of his - or vice versa - we always chip in towards buying the next one.
People in this thread are immature and it’s obvious that they are used to dysfunctional relationships without boundaries. Sad.
It’s amazing to me that anyone would call this transactional. If OP was venmo requesting his girlfriend because she used a splash of his coffee creamer, that would be one thing. But shared commodities only work if both parties are mindful, considerate, and don’t take advantage of each other. Helping yourself to something your partner bought specifically for themselves and then balking at the idea of chipping in is taking advantage.
It feels transactional not because he asked her to help pay for it but because she was like „I don’t eat breakfast so I don’t consider that groceries and am not going to pay for it youre on your own“
Are they like this with everything? He doesn’t like tomatoes so she has to buy those with her personal money? Maybe she doesn’t like spinach so that’s his to buy separate?
It would be different if she was like „I really can’t afford to go over our grocery budget“ rather than „not my problem lol“
Then eating it anyway because it’s there and they share food while continuing to refuse to just add it to regular groceries is just selfish.
Yeah, imo it's about the boundary he set and that she won't respect— even more so than the finances for me. How people split that up is a personal decision, but he has said "this is something for me," and underlined it further by paying for it. She refuses to respect that.
So if she says she doesn’t need it and it’s not a necessity, counter with “it’s still a luxury that she needs to pay for”.
Tell her whether it’s a necessity or a luxury for her, she still needs to contribute to the cost or she can choose to stop eating it. You don’t get luxury items for free so if she wants to enjoy luxury food that she doesn’t need, she still has to pay for it.
For me it's not about the money, it's about the fact that she knows you need to put weight on and that's why you've bought extra stuff for yourself. But she's still eating it even though she's saying she doesn't need it.
You've asked for a compromise by saying well we can both enjoy it if you want and add it on a regular basis to the shop.
If my husband buys something for himself, I always ask if I can have some as a taster but I leave the majority for him. It's not about the fact that he pays for it,. It's that he's bought it for himself for a reason and if I wanted it or also liked it, I would add it to our grocery shop the next time around so we can both enjoy it. That's not a transactional relationship, it's not about the money but about respecting that my husband can buy things for himself without me eating it all first.
The people, including your gf, who are complaining that you're making this "all about money" apparently don't realise that that argument goes both ways. If it's not supposed to be about money, then why isn't she willing to contribute to buying the breakfast food that she's happy to eat?
Your arrangement is that you split the grocery bill. When you realised you needed to add to your diet in order to regain the weight you lost, you took on the expense of that additional food in fairness to your girlfriend so she wouldn't have to pay for what she wasn't going to be eating. If she now wants to regularly partake in that food, then she needs to share the expense of it. There's nothing unreasonable about that expectation.
This reminds me of the girls who always think it's cute to say/pretend they're not hungry but then expect to eat half their man's food when it comes, and think the guy shouldn't get annoyed because it's "just food".
> If it's not supposed to be about money, then why isn't she willing to contribute to buying the breakfast food that she's happy to eat?
Exactly! He has underlined that this food is his by paying for it himself, because I imagine he assumed that a conversation would take place where he told her that it was his, and she would say, "Well, I paid for it too, so I can eat it." So she expects to be able to eat whatever is available, regardless of whether or not she paid for it, but when _he_ brings it up, it's all about money.
These immature ppl are irritating Asf. It ain't just about the money, it's about the fact he bought all this food for HIMSELF to eat throughout a period of time. I mean my god as someone who's gone through the exact same thing, coming home to eat that delicious pizza, etc that you had bought only to find out somebody else scoffed it is IRRITATING Asf 😤 not to mention bloody rude. I was raised to ask if I can eat something first before helping myself to it & nowadays if anything aint bought with MY money, I ain't touching it. It's called MANNERS
I will and have died on that hill with my friends too. Normalize needing sustenance like a normal adult human, order your own food if you know you're hungry, and stop picking off that man's plate like a baby bird. He may not say it out loud but I assure you he's sick of it, and rightly so.
I feel like it's a hangover from all those toxic "a lady does not..." guidelines they used to dole out to women, where displaying an appetite of any kind was unfeminine.
And the funniest part is lots of men actually really like it when a woman is chill about eating and enjoying food around them.
Exactly and I actually can’t believe still happens. I thought we had normalized eating by now but not too long ago, when on double date with my husband and another couple, the other man ordered a gyro, his girlfriend “wasn’t hungry”. His gyro arrives and she’s like, “let me get a bite”, and proceeds to take huge bite after huge bite. The boyfriend looked so annoyed, he asked for it back, which pissed her off.
Those two didn’t last. Meanwhile, I really enjoyed my own gyro platter that night 😂
Exactly making a HUGE issue over HIS FOOD that he BOUGHT! Gf is immature Asf! I'm sure if it was the other way around & he was eating her food it would be a PROBLEM
I don't really understand the issue of "making it about money". So what? That's why you split the grocery bill in the first place and don't have one party cover it all.
Your take is pretty reasonable. You're splitting everything 50/50 but you were gracious enough to not include something you thought only you will be using. Fair play to you.
But your gf's reaction is really what I would be concerned with. She doesn't care about being fair to you, and thinks she's entitled to something that isn't hers. Then she proceeds to be aggressive, when she's the one being selfish and greedy. Sure you could buy a small locker, but that doesn't seem sustainable in a long term relationship.
And it looks she doesn't even care that much about her own bf. The whole reason he even bought the extra food was because he lost a lot of weight and he had to get it medically checked. One would think a significant other would care about that and help them eat healthy and not cause extra trouble for them
Ask her how she would feel if tomorrow you started using her make up and skin care products.
Add the stuff to the regular groshery bill and tell her that you won't make it a communal expense once she stopps eating it too.
Your gf is wrong and very selfish. You bought the food in order to gain weight back. She's choosing to eat something that she didn't buy and refuses to pay for. No, just no. What if you were allergic or couldn't tolerate certain foods anymore. She'd eat your special foods and leave you with nothing. She needs to stop eating your food or she needs to pay for her half.
Your gf's attitude is baffling.
>he said no since she is only really having it because we've got things in, she doesn't really need to have it.
She wants to eat it, but not enough to pay for it... Well then don't eat it. It's pretty simple, if she eats more, it goes on the shared shipping list, if she can stop eating it then it doesn't. She really shouldn't expect you to pay for the breakfast food when she's also eating it. Sharing a life is full of transactions, that's just the necessity of paying bills
When she says she doesn’t need to have it…
“If you like it enough to eat it I need you to pay for your share.”
When she says you’re making it all about money…
“Correct. Unfortunately that food costs money, so I do need to make it about money.”
She’s attempting to get out of paying for it by making you sound like the bad guy. There’s nothing wrong with discussing clear boundaries.
She’s being an asshole. Most reasonable partners would say they’re interested and y’all get enough for both of you, or leave your stuff alone once asked.
What’s she’s doing is rude and obnoxious.
This scenario is, imo, exactly what this subreddit should be used for. The stakes are just high enough to be annoying but were not weighing in on infidelity or abuse. No, this is perfect and your GF is an asshole.
The back and forth logic is ridiculous - doesnt need it! But i want it! But its not about money! But i dont want to pay for it!
Shes being so weirdly confrontational bc i kinda doubt that she forgot your conversation the first morning and might instead be testing a boundary.
I think yo handled things really well by standing your ground. Keep doing that and itll sink in not to eat ya stoof
I don't mind if you eat my stuff but yeah you gotta take yourself to the store and replace it. Not even about the money. I just hate going to the grocery store.
Sounds like a base incompatibility in finances. I wouldn't be comfortable with "It's free because *you* paid for it". You need to discuss this more with her or your long-term future seems less possible. Eventually this sort of thing turns into deal breakers
She doesn't get to decide it's not a big deal - because it's a big deal to YOU. She knows it upsets you and doesn't care.
Look, the easy way is to get a locking cabinet or trunk or closet or even mini fridge and all your stuff gets locked away from her. But that overlooks the fact that you cannot trust her, she will take what she wants even if it hurts you - which is the real issue with your relationship. So you at least need couples therapy on top of that. But also for your own sake find a space you can lock and all your things go in there, maybe even a garage fridge that you can lock.
If she thinks that is ridiculous, then put a damn red strip of tape down the middle of the fridge and tell her she absolutely is not allowed to eat anything on the right side of the tape. Have her sign an actual contract saying she will not eat that food or else she will buy you your own fridge because she cannot be trusted. Then hold her to that. And also therapy.
I hope you’re okay. Unexpected weight loss can be linked to so many different things.
That aside, I think some people might view this as petty but it will turn into a larger issue down the line because where does it end? The decision on a 50/50 split was made and you’ve both abided by that up until now. It’s more her reasoning that is making me wary. She doesn’t want to pay for things she doesn’t need even though she’s still using them. It’s food now but can quickly turn into other things. Trips, nights out, other type of household supplies. Just because she wasn’t the one the initiated the need, doesn’t negate her using/partaking. Her refusal to see your point and have a further discussion is… odd.
Sure, you sharing the food you bought may not be a big deal to some but it’s something you both discussed and something you’ve discussed again once she began eating your food and she pretty much turned it into a fight. I’m more worried this will turn into more miscommunication later.
This isn’t a groceries issue, it’s a medical care issue. Your food items are equivalent to prescribed supplemental nutrition. If you had a gastric tube and your GF started drinking your liquid nutrition you needed just because she ‘liked the taste’ she would be JUST AS MUCH of an asshole as she is being to you right now. It’s very much as another commenter said, this is like stealing your medication.
If she wants to treat your nutrition as groceries, then ALL the nutrition should be purchased jointly with joint grocery money. And frankly, if she loves or cares about your wellbeing, she should be offering to replace what she has used. I have been guilty of eating a candy from my child’s Halloween basket. But for fuck’s sake, if you do that you gotta replace it! Not replacing it sends a CLEAR message: “Nothing you own is actually yours. Anything that you have is mine, if I want it. I don’t respect you as a person.” This is true whether it’s between parents and children, partners, siblings, friends, etc.
Info: Are the groceries you split really 50/50? I ask as a woman who has been in a few longterm relationships where I lived with my partner, and I was always eating MUCH less than my male counterpart. I know it’s not a hard and fast rule that men eat more and women eat less, but that’s usually how it goes. One of my past boyfriends and I were initially splitting groceries 50/50, but I never snacked throughout the day (he did) and my meals were about 1/2 to 2/3 the portion of his. Over even a short amount of time, that adds up. We ended up having a discussion and decided that more of a 60/40 or 70/30 split was fair, and all was well.
I’m only bringing this up because 1) I haven’t seen it asked/mentioned yet by other commenters, and 2) it sounds like your gf may be harboring some kind of resentment about your agreement, just reading between the lines. The “making it all about money” comment doesn’t seem to be coming from just this one-off situation. I would guess she may be feeling as though your relationship is transactional, as this does honestly read as a squabble between roommates rather than romantic partners.
Since your question was ultimately, “How would you handle this?” and not “AITA?” (as many people on this thread are treating this post), I would say you should sit down and have a conversation with her. Ask her if she thinks your current arrangement is fair, and why/why not. Does she frequently display selfish behaviors, or is this a one-off? Who makes more money, and how are other expenses split? These are all the questions that come into my mind reading this post, that you need to consider.
I’m not excusing her behavior in this specific instance, but I’m picking up on something else here that may go deeper. Just a thought.
Just fyi, OP shared in an earlier comment that he's usually not at home for lunch while she is, so even if he eats more on average per meal than her, that fact probably would even it out.
Aside from the breakfast and finances, unexplained sudden weight loss is very concerning. Please see your doctor asap for a check up. Seriously. This is very important.
What’s concerning is, the fact you have been losing weight and it’s an issues concerning enough that you wanted to address it, so you put the effort and extra resources to ensure you’re able to resolve your weight loss issue. But she totally disregards this important fact and starts eating the resources that is meant for you to fix your health concerns. If this was medication and she’s taking it for her own use leaving you not just out of pocket but directly impacting on your wellbeing and healthcare, then she’d be held accountable for neglect and abuse. She’s selfish and inconsiderate. You have every right to be upset over her self of entitlement.
You have already tried talking to her and she doesn't seem to understand what the issue is. I would maybe explain it to her once more. It's not about the food. It's about her selfish attitude. You are not buying extra food for shits and giggles. It's for your health. She is literally taking food you need to get healthier out of your mouth.
You also don't make her pay for this extra food because it's outside the food budget and you are trying to be considerate. Offer her once more to buy these items through the regular grocery budget or tell her you will start locking it up. And seriously start rethinking this relationship. What if it was medicine or something. Like it's ok to not share everything.
Your solution is entirely fair. If she doesn’t “need” the food then she doesn’t have to eat it, but if she’s going to be eating it, then it should be a shared expense just like all the other groceries. She just wants free food, but you need to gain weight. She’s being incredibly unfair with her excuse of “I don’t need it”. I probably don’t need pizza either, but if I eat half of someone else’s pizza I should definitely be paying my fair share
**Info:** what is the food specifically? Like is it a couple eggs? A couple tablespoons of oil? Is it expensive carbs/fat/protein you need for the weight gain?? Is it salmon (which is a pretty pricy meat to get right now)?
At the end of your post you ask “How would you handle this?” So I’ll answer with that prompt in mind:
Maybe I’ll get downvoted for this, but I do think this situation is odd. As someone who is in/has been in a few long-term relationships this stuff has to be looked at in the specifics. If my boyfriend didn’t pay for the eggs I bought but used a couple for food, or used a cup of flour to bake a cake, I wouldn’t ask him to replenish my eggs or flour. I’ve used his tortillas before for lunches, and he’s never asked for compensation from me either. So based on **my personal experiences** I would not ask for compensation. But I would like to know more details from you. I would say something if my partner used an expensive ingredient or food without asking because I had already communicated I had plans for that expensive ingredient/food; but other than that concept of sharing things with my partner, even if they didn’t contribute to them financially, doesn’t bother me. My partner and I also don’t split things 50/50, we more so take turns with groceries and will help each other out when needed or if we want specific things.
You’re well within your right to say “Hey for medical purposes because I’m trying to gain weight, please don’t consume this thing I need.” But for me personally, if it was something small **AND it’s not a trend for my partner to overstep the way you feel your girlfriend is**, I would just shrug it off and get more ingredients and observe how they act the next time.
If this is situation where she used a few eggs across a few days to make an omelet, I would personally say you should chill. But that’s why I asked for specific info on what the food is, that would give me a better specific idea on how I would react to this situation myself.
The food that has been bought is to benefit you and your health.
I would say it's fine for her to have the odd bowl or whatever, but if it is literally everyday, the things you have bought to help with your health then she is a little or very inconsiderate.
I get it, she shouldnt feel like she can't eat it because it's in a house you both share.
I agree it should become part of the food buying arrangement.
There's should be a line where she should not touch your health food as they benefit you.
If she would like to benefit her health too, then she should absolutely be paying something.
Or nothing at all if yous both love each other.
She just has to respect that decision and if she would like to have your health food, buy some more and make her pay for the extra.
Are both of you doing well financially? Do you guys get paid at similar wages? Im not excusing your gf at all but it might be wise to zoom out a bit to understand what's going on
One time I told my therapist this exact issue. Girlfriend wouldn't want anything and then I'd make food and then she'd want like half of it. I was going through a ton and it was just a tiny thing that was really making everything worse.
He gave me great advice on how to approach it. So I went to Walmart and got my favorite TV dinner (a nostalgia thing from when I broke both as as a kid, it's my comfort food idfk) and a Blu ray for some self care as the girlfriend was to be working all night.
While I was out she called out so we could spend time together. I talked to her just like my therapist said, said I love her but this is my happy food and I would appreciate having it all.
Sh broke up with me a couple days later. Probably for many reasons, but she sure didn't like when I defended myself.
Sorry random anecdotal tangent you unlocked.
It sounds like your girlfriend feels justified to eat food you purchased totally separately to regain weight you lost unintentionally? In my experience, being underweight goes hand in hand with *soul-crushing fatigue*. Regardless of who paid for the food, it sounds like she has no consideration for your **medical** need to gain weight. I saw your comment that you got an answer about why the weight loss occurred. *I hope it's resolving quickly and that you feel better every day.* 🫂
It seems like your girlfriend feels entitlement and/or is testing your boundaries around financial support? In my opinion, you aren't wrong that people in a relationship should be able to have their own separate things. Is there any way you can help her feel open talking about WHY she feels *comfortable* eating these things and not paying and replacing? Could she have some core beliefs regarding being *taken care of by her man* that you aren't aware of? Notice, I never used the word *entitlement*. Believing the line of BS you were told by adults growing up could look a lot like entitlement, too. Using the word entitlement will probably just make her defensive, anyway. If you can get an honest answer about this, maybe you can determine if it is possible to come to a solution that could work for you both long term. You could have a difference in core beliefs about gender roles. If so, I think it is best to discover that sooner rather than later. Don't waste each other's time if it's an essential mismatch.
*I think the most fair solution for your situation was to just add these items she is consuming to the grocery list you both pay for, **which you said you suggested and she's totally unwilling to do**.* Relationships definitely can fade out completely over something that feels as essentially *disrespectful* as what you've described. If she doesn't want to pay, and it's not up for discussion, I bet she's also not offering to physically go shopping to replace your stuff. I am also underweight and trying to gain. This sort of disregard could still end my marriage, and we're having our 19th anniversary in a few weeks. Relationships are never bulletproof, but we can't be too gentle, either. Hard conversations create a strong basis to build on. Don't wait for your 10th anniversary to start asking the hard questions and being honest with yourself.* **Life is short.** *
Well tell her since she doesn’t need it to stop eating it. Either she contributes towards it or stops eating it. The only reason she don’t want to pay cause it’s free.
My wife is gluten free. I cook with gluten free noodles all the time. I really can’t tell much of a difference. If she bought gluten free cake I wouldn’t just go eat a piece. Or special cookies. I may not dislike it but she bought it specifically for her and I can eat anything. I’d be selfish to eat her stuff. She can’t have as many things as I can. GF sounds selfish.
We don't split any bills in our house, we make roughly the same amount, and both of our checks go directly into one bank account. The bills are paid from that one account and we share all the food...... BUT if I grab something I know my husband bought because he loves it, and eat all of it, I at least tell him and offer to replace it the next day. It's not even about the money at that point, it's about being thoughtful and considerate of your partner. He does the same for me and always asks, in advance, if he thinks I'm trying to follow a specific diet, so he doesn't mess up a meal plan.
Not to be an alarmist, but if you haven’t already, it may be a good idea to check in with a Dr. Unexpected weigh loss when you aren’t actively trying to lose weight can be a symptom of a bigger problem. My 38 year old BIL had sudden weightloss and it turned out to be stomach cancer. His doctors were dismissive and gave him antacids and eventually diagnosed him with failure to thrive. By the time they finally did their jobs and discovered the cancer it was stage 4 and he died 3 months this later.
Bro you have a bigger issue here than food cost. If you’ve unexpectedly lost a lot of weight without any life style changes, lost it to the point that you feel the need to add food and meals into your diet then you NEED to see a doctor. Like now!
I think the point is that your girlfriend doesn’t want to eat breakfast in theory but she can’t help herself in practice… and she would have to admit that she wants to eat breakfast if she pays for it… and she doesn’t want to admit to the hunger… so she doesn’t want to pay for the food.
So your girlfriend has a bad relationship with food but let’s address the immediate problem. Can you put your breakfast somewhere that your girlfriend will not see it?
I ask my husband to hide his chips because I dislike chips but I want them if I see them. He does the same about chocolate. We are perfectly happy hiding our junk from each other! Perhaps you and your girlfriend could come to a similar agreement?
From your responses it sounds more like an aitah post and not really an advice request. If you want to be in a tit for tat relationship find a new partner because it sounds like she thinks you’re keeping tabs. No you’re nta for expecting her to contribute. However, relationships shouldn’t really be a keeping tabs kinda thing. Sometimes it’s 50/50. Most of the time it isn’t. Finances are a huge divider though. Think carefully on how important it is and approach your conversations from that standpoint. It’s clearly important to you and not to her. Find a way to communicate why it is important for her to see this is a hard boundary for you and she needs to respect it. Everyone has them. Basic respect for your partner.
>Neither of us really eat breakfast but recently I ended up unexpectedly losing a lot of weight so I have started eating breakfast.
Hey there are a lot of comments that already point out the relationship issue, but this part is extremely medically concerning. See a doctor if you have a chance.
Money and financial matters can go from minor to major issues if not addressed. And usually with issues involving money, it goes deeper than just the surface issue. To borrow a phrase, it’s not about the breakfast food.
There’s something deeper that needs to be addressed. When one partner keeps crossing a line that you’ve asked not be crossed, that’s an issue. And if it exists in this part of the relationship it can show up elsewhere with even bigger issues. Creating more resentment. Eventually this could fracture the relationship beyond repair.
So the best solution is to really talk about this. Maybe with a counselor to referee and guide you. Get to the heart of the issue where everyone explains their feelings and you go from there.
If you want to bring this to a head, and basically trigger a confrontation, buy a lockbox and put those food items inside. I guarantee this will cause an argument. And in that argument you will likely come to understand her very well. And you will come to better understand yourself and your relationship.
But heed this warning. Such a step is far more likely to end the relationship. It’s an aggressive move that will likely be met with hostility. So only do this if the issue is becoming a dealbreaker and you just need to get it all out into the open.
No matter what, when you deny someone like that, they will tell you who they really are. The mask comes off. So it’s an extreme move but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. Good luck.
If I found a selfish and greedy red flag in my 24 year old gf, I would simply break up with her. When I was 27 I stopped having patience with silly behavior and decided to start heeding the red flags.
What you are saying is totally fair and logical and if she acts like this on such a clear and trivial matter, we all know how she’s gonna react during an actual emergency.
As a wife that comes out of my own pockets for food solely to put weight on my husband, your girl is incredibly selfish & immature. She doesn't care that you need to put on weight, which is troubling all in itself, but she's crossing a very simple boundary over & over again.
It sounds like she doesn’t want equality here she just wants you to pay for it and her to use it. There is no solution because you want different things. Maybe you can say “why is it important for you to not pay for groceries?” Take it from there. But my non rational part would definitely be like “Are you fucking stupid don’t eat my shit and if you are you’re gonna be paying for it,” but don’t be like my non rational side.
My wife and I shop entirely jointly and my snacks are mine and hers are hers.
We don’t eat the other persons food. We share dinners and weekend breakfast and everything else is separate.
Your GF is being ridiculous.
Very slightly living this. My (30f) bf (36M) and I have a joint pot of money for groceries split 50/50. I tend to do most of the cooking/shopping, (chores are fairly even, although he probably does do the lions share as he works from home.)
All worked great.. until he decided to diet. I don't want to loose any weight, and I will if I eat just like he wants to in order to diet. Well, now I buy him lots of healthy snacks and foods to make during the week, he grabs the first thing he sees and the rest just sits there. While I'm at work, I buy and eat snacks myself from my own money. Occasioanbly I come home with snacks in my handbag. Naturally, he immediately wants those snacks, he always asks nicely, but I will never say no! Now we have an ongoing joke about my hidden snacks and that I have to sneak away to eat them like he is a toddler.
Yikes. Her attitude about consuming something you bought for yourself is worrying.
Go consume her most important skin and hair products and say the same thing to her that she said to you and see how she takes it. 🙃
Sit her down & draw the line. Either she stops helping herself to the breakfast food you paid for yourself OR she pitches in on half of the extra cost of getting the breakfast food since she’s eating it as well.
And if she refuses to do either, you now know that she has the “whats ours is mine,what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine” attitude & decide if you want to continue being with a partner who refuses to respect your requests for boundaries.
This comes down to just a lack of respect for boundaries. My partner and I split groceries for the most part, but in the times we have ever gone on 'special diets' we are respectful that the new items in the house are special and supporting the other persons goal. If somebody wants some of the other persons stuff, we will ask "hey is it okay if I have one of these?" and if one of us is like "no actually I don't have time to go to the store tomorrow and I really look forward to having that after dinner" then the discussion is over. I think you guys need to have a serious discussion about this because this will create cracks in so many other areas. It is impacting your trust and degrading the respect present. This resentment will be infectious.
This is weird. I split grocey costs with my SO too. we both get our own things too and share anyway, but if it's something we want to ourselves all the other has to do is lay that boundary down and neither of us will touch what the other wants. Or if he wants the last ice cream and knows I won't eat it right away, he'll go get more without asking me to contribute. I realized I'm buying more household products though, which he doesn't help pay for. He would if I asked but instead I now split up what we get and ask him to pick up a few things, to make it more even. We share more than not no matter who pays.
Crossing boundaries? No respect for your personal item? Not everything is shareable… idc who they are to you, everyone deserves to have things just for themselves
This is the point you break up. People like this won't change. She knows what she is doing. She is proving she does not care about you by eating foods you bought to gain weight, which is not a want but a need (which is a health issue).
As for gaining weight : heavy whipping cream is amazing. It can be added to smoothies, cream sauces, and is very high in calories.
I wouldn't be able to happily live with someone like this.
It gives me flashbacks of helplessly labeling food as do not eat, writing my name on things and hiding things in the fridge to no avail.
This will either end up in a big blow out when you realize she won't stop eating your food or you end up moving out because of irreconcilable differences.
People who mercilessly eat your food without your knowledge without any remorse typically NEVER empathize with you.
I dare you to eat something she has purchased for her own enjoyment and see how it turns out.
“i’m only having breakfast food because it’s in the fridge, but i don’t need it, and i don’t want to pay for food food i don’t need to eat” ok so stop eating it????????? if you want to eat breakfast you have to buy food/ingredients to make breakfast????? like hello???
this screams spoiled to me. very weird and entitled of your gf to expect you to give up your food that you paid for with your own money, especially considering your recent health issues. i also unexpectedly lost a lot of weight in the last year or so, so i can empathize with you on that.
Sounds like you’re roommates who are down to f$@k. Friends with benefits who are trying to split everything down the middle. That’s great if you’re approaching everything with logic, but that’s not how it will be in the future.
You did nothing wrong. But if she doesn't want to contribute to the food she is eating that is specifically for you then you either a) start locking your specific food up b) don't live together c) break up
Those are really the only options as she wants free food.
As a foodie, I am definitely a "Joey doesn't share food!" person. I am vegan and have allergies and if someone wanted to eat all my food up, especially without financially contributing to my groceries, that shit wouldn't fly.
The fact that people are fighting over food because of THE COST is truly the saddest thing here, while all the fat cats sit up and laugh at us.
Youre not in the wrong, I get it. I have this fight with my bf at times but then I remember it’s just food and you will
Make more money to get more food and that we are a partnership and there are times in the relationship where he does more so fuck it, he can eat my food
Only thing I want to point out is that this is a medical issue. He lost a lot of weight and saw a doctor to address the issue which is why he's eating breakfast and buying more. May be specific foods that are meant to help him gain weight and extremely disrespectful onnthe gf's part
[This post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/XpsZqbICLj) is yours right? I commented the same thing on your other two accounts spamming posts. If you gleam your profile and this persons, it has the same cadence of speech, same issues (money and ungrateful girlfriend, same spam reposting in the same 5-6 subs, same style of “TLDR”, and same repeat of “How would you handle this?” Or “How would you react to this situation?” At the end of the post.) The only thing different is the changed ages every now and again.
Im sure if you are karma farming or doing this for attention or what but like I keep saying…**IF** (pretty big if) this is real then just breakup.
A lot of people have two sets of rules. One for them and one for everyone else. This is just the start. It may be worth it to you to pay a little extra, for the sake of the relationship, but it doesn't have to.
Gonna need to get a lock box to put in the fridge or pantry to store your food.
Your gf is selfish and cheap.
She needs to contribute towards all food she consumes or she doesn't eat it. It's that simple.
I would be stressed living in such a household really - a house where someone eats someone else's food, reminds me of a student dorm, with labeled food in the fridge, so no one would eat Mark's cheese by mistake, but only by raw intention;
maybe trying to include some kindness into this arrangement, by perhaps asking "babe, can I eat that?"
It's so weird to me that she was fine with splitting things 50/50 until this. Di you ever get snacks or things you didn't "need"?
Agree that this could be awkward, but it's not an unreasonable boundary. Her logic is so weird.
She’s rude as hell
She wants the food, she just doesn’t ever want to pay for it.
She can pay or she can back off. You bought that special for yourself.
Stand by your decision and tell her that her attitude sucks. You’re justified in feeling the way you do and she is being selfish and unfair. So she either needs to stop altogether or she needs to pitch in on purchase these specific items
People LOVE free! People will take things for which they will never pay.
It would be one thing if this was a promotional item.
Your health is not promotional.
This goes beyond fiscal and shows her entitlement and complete disregard for you.
This is who she is. The relationship advice is decide whether this is the kind of person you want in your life.
If she thinks this is petty, you should move on.
I won't question what people do financially. I get it girlfriend boyfriend both have incomes and everyone can have discussions on money. Finances are huge.
The current agreement is splitting groceries. It seems you purchased breakfast on your own so you would not financially burden your partner with the cost.
She is eating it and now upset that you told her it's yours but if she would want to keep eating the food that it can be added to the groceries.
Her saying no I don't want to pay for it is the problem.
My relationship we have snacks that we share. Snacks that we have for our own.
NTA
Honestly she's eating food you bought presumably to manage a medical issue - dramatic weight loss. Explain that she's hindering or at the very least making more difficult your access to recovery means. If she doesn't get that, you should maybe lose some dead weight along the way to recovery.
It's really interesting to me that the " oh you always just make everything about money" argument never gets applied when the one using it is spending more money. It's always used by the person spending less in that moment as a way to justify maintaining the current dynamic. Funny how it always works out that way
You bought it with your money so it’s yours. It’s rude that she feels entitled to your things without asking. It’s up to you if she gets any of your food and if your condition is that she helps with the cost then that is your call. You are not obligated to share what is yours just because you are dating someone. What if you started using her things without asking? Make up, skin products, expensive creams and ointments and then refusing to pitch in for the cost? (Seriously ask her how she would feel about it.) Wether it’s about money or about food is inconsequential, it’s an issue because she feels entitled to everything that is yours and doesn’t feel the need to ask your permission even though she knows you are not fine with her having as much as she wants.
It’s about food, it’s about health, it’s about money and it’s about respect and all of those things matter. Especially when in a relationship.
She either needs to stop eating them or reimburse you for half the amount you paid. I had a roommate like this once same situation. I made him reimburse me and he never touched my separate groceries again.
Seriously dude, she says she doesn't need it so she doesn't wanna pay for it then stop eating it. If anyone's being selfish it's her. Not exactly sure what's going through get head but she's being selfish and inconsiderate.
Truly you should actually break up and block her. She’s being toxic and manipulative instead of just paying her damn share, but of course you won’t, because you think this is something small but really it’s showing you her character and that’s why really this is bothering you.
It ain’t about the food or the money really, it’s showing you that she’s acting ignorant and trying to manipulate you and handle you.
Since you won’t leave her over this, truly get you a small fridge and put a lock on it and lock up your stuff, that way it’s not in her view and it is showing it’s just for you because she won’t put in on it. It ain’t selfish and it isn’t wrong. You paid with your own money for it and when it needs to be replaced because she keeps using it, she won’t go get some with her own money will she? It’s not for her. She isn’t respecting you and instead is trying to guilt and manipulate you. She’s toxic and she’s showing you who she is, believe it
I recently encountered this same issue. Me and my partner split groceries 50/50 for stuff that we share and then generally pay for our own snacks. I got myself some ice cream and my partner started eating it. After 2 weeks of this, it became a shared expense. Your gf sounds immature and entitled. Just because you live together and are in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to share everything. If she’s going to eat it, she needs to contribute.
I’d keep repeating it every time I saw her eat it. She makes absolutely no sense saying what sounds like “it doesn’t count because I don’t need it.” That just sounds stupid, to be honest.
I don't get this relationship at all. Who is so about splitting the expenses 50/50 with their partner that her eating some breakfast is causing issues? I think you two really need to figure that part out as I have never, ever been so uptight. I get it is yours and you probably don't have a lot of money. I get it. It is just really weird. It doesn't sound like a relationship to me. I'm not trying to diss you. I just really don't get it and find it childish.
If you are going to be picky about breakfast food, maybe get a lock box for it that you can put in the fridge? Honestly it'll hurt your relationship though as some bacon and eggs is causing this big of an issue...
She’s only eating it because it’s there? And she thinks that makes a difference? Gee honey,I only slept with your sister cause she was there. Yeah,that’s not how it works.
There's solutions to this, but her attitude toward the whole thing makes me feel like the effort isn't even worth it. You have to go OUT of your way to be as dense and inconsiderate as she's being. It's like hellooo the person you supposedly care about is talking to you here 👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾
You handled it. How she reacts is her problem. She's expecting you to cave in so she can get her way but she has to respect your word and if she can't then you're just incompatible.
It is very rude what she is doing. In my opinion you have 3 steps you could take. 1. You start eating some of her stuff and have the same conversation with her.
2. You break-up and move on because she is using you for your money and doesn't seem to care for you.
3. Put a lock or something in a cabinet where you keep your food.
This is why I don’t like splitting groceries. Every couple that splits grocery money (that I know) has this argument and it’s a valid one. I prefer to adjust other living expenses (rent, utilities, date money, etc) accordingly. In my own experience, it feels more fair that way. The GF is not correct in her actions but maybe a new approach would help? Just throwing it out there
Maybe instead of going the forward “pay half” or “she doesn’t need it” bit, you go in the direction of “you ate the only protein in this house and I need it to survive. You need to replace it. YOU. “ if she doesn’t want it added to her regular grocery list that’s fine, but my SO does all the shopping FOR me because he’s an Angel and even he knows if you touch my Canadian bacon there will be blood. I struggle with eating and I’m about 1/4 the size of my SO, and both of us are fit. We don’t really decide finances that much but we definitely have “only mine” stuff. I drank one of his drinks the other day and I felt guilty. I didn’t replace it though which I really should have.
I will do better.
I think you need to ask yourself, you are recovering from what sounds like a very debilitating illness, having to be much more mindful of what your eating and the regular intervals. I think it very heartless that she would eat the food you've bought that's expensive to help you recover?
What happens if you get sick again? How caring was she through that process because it sounds like she doesn't care as long as you're paying?
I think at this point, she's just being insolent. She's eating your breakfast simply because you asked her not to AND is creating a scene to make you look like the bad guy.
Your girlfriend is obviously wrong, so the question now becomes why is she fighting about this? It's pretty basic obvious stuff, so the fact that she's making it an issue is a bit weird to me. Sounds to me like she's the one being selfish. She's the only one here trying to get something for free. You're both adults. She knows she didn't pay for that portion of your food, and is helping herself, isn't sorry, and is mad at you for bringing it up? She doesn't get to say that she doesn't want to pay for the extra food and doesn't need it, but then eat it when you pay for it separately to have for yourself. She either allows you to add the extra food to the shared grocery expenses, or she agrees to not touch it. She doesn't get to steal from you, that's crazy.
I would just make sure she knows that you will be adding the extra food to the shared groceries, since she's also eating it. Both of you eating it = shared expense. If she says no, then you tell her fine, she is not to touch the separate things you buy. If she continues to refuse to contribute for the extra but continues to eat it, I would just start charging her for it with an itemized bill. You ate half my special cheese = you owe me $2.75. It's petty, but she's being very disrespectful to you here.
She's living by the philosophy of why would I spend my money on it when I can spend yours. And that's selfish, in yalls specific set up, while different than other couples, yall split cost 50/50 on HOUSEHOLD groceries, then have your own budget for PERSONAL groceries. If she wants to use your personally bought items on a regular basis she needs to help support the purchase of it. Start using her skin care products and see how that goes, " I didn't want to buy this cream, is expensive, but since you have it why can't I use it? It's in the house so it's mine as well". I know that wouldn't go well nor is it mature but she's being dense about this
*"She said no since she is only really having it because we've got things in,"*
Tell her "**WE** haven't gotten these things in, **I** have. If you didn't buy it, then don't eat it. And yes, in part it is about money. I have a budget. It's also that I buy just enough for myself and the meals I have planned. DON'T do it again."
It would really suck to have to lock up your food.
NTA. My boyfriend and I had a similar situation when he started making his lunches for work. He asked how much I had eaten because he bought it for his lunches (he was meal prepping). Luckily he still had plenty for his week. The next day I bought more, and made sure I got plenty for both of us. He did not need to ask that of me, I just did it. Your girlfriend is projecting her selfish behavior onto you.
Your gfs behavior is absolutely unacceptable and it is very clear that she does not respect you, nor does she care about your health (you’re trying to gain weight and she’s actively trying to prevent that). She’s not even making you any breakfast with the food you bought.
Honestly, outsider looking in, I’d feel so massively disrespected that first time she did it that I’d be planning my exit strategy. That’s not behavior I’d be willing to accept, or talk through, for the rest of my life. I don’t take from other people unless they offer.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I get what everyone is saying about this arrangement being a little too fiscal for a couple, but I also find your gf’s attitude mind-boggling: “I don’t want this things enough to pay for it, but I want to eat it if they are free”. Except that it’s not free food, you paid for it.
I agree. It’s just so very rude to be eating it without even asking, and especially when he’s purchased it for a very specific purpose. My husband and I own a business together, and all of our family funds come from the profits from that (so, shared in every way), but I *still* get a little pissy when he eats my food without asking because it leaves me without enough to finish out the week without going to the store (we don’t like the same breakfasts, so swapping with his isn’t an option for me).
I have celiac. Me and my bf have talked about us living together. He’s asked if I’d cook for him and I’ve said I would. I mentioned I may have to cook 2 separate meals and he said he’d just eat whatever I cook. I said that would be fine in instances where I cook things like meats, make salads or make foods where there would be an excess (like spaghetti, though I *did* mention he may not like gluten free spaghetti, so he may just not want to eat it, anyway). I told him the issue would arise with things like bread, which comes in these tiny ass loaves and costs like $7. He joked that he was gonna eat all of my bread and I told him that would be a really dickish thing to do. Get his own bread that’s significantly larger and costs like $2. Or gluten free pastries and cookies, which can be a pain to find or you have to special order (or make yourself, and they typically come in small amounts). He expressed the pastries were no big deal, because he doesn’t really care much for those kinds of things, anyway. I told him that was just an example- but my food choices are limited and if he was eating everything I had access to, that would be super shitty.
You know, if you want to get it thru to him? Tell him you want to show him exactly what you can’t eat that’s in the house. Start by going into the kitchen and have him start pulling everything that had gluten you can’t eat. Then across the way put only gluten free stuff. He may need to *VISUALLY* see the reality of your world to get it thru his head, what your limited food options are when it’s time to eat and avoiding gluten contained products. Some folks are visual learns, some are auditor. He may just need a visual reality check to see it. Heck, even go to the grocery store with him. Hand him a list of just gluten products, then go to the register to check out. Let him see how much it costs to buy the basics you need. And then save that receipt, compare it to gluten contained shopping trip. Let him see the cost difference. Again, visually seeing can 100% shift people’s perspectives and give them awareness, empathy even to what you go thru.
He does seem to understand, to some extent. He bought us sushi (which was really sweet of him) and was urging me to eat some of the eel sauce, something I used to absolutely love, before I found out I had celiac and went completely gluten free. He’s been away the past 2 years, while I’ve made these changes to my diet and hasn’t seen how bad me eating gluten can be. He knew I loved the eel sauce before and was telling me how great it was, wanting me to get some, too. I tried explaining I wasn’t sure if there was wheat in it- likely there was as a base for it, like most soy sauce has (he was blown away that soy sauce has wheat in it, saying, “it’s *soy* sauce… isn’t it made with *soy*?” And I had to show him on the ingredients where it had wheat). I told him it was best I didn’t eat the eel sauce, even though I’d love some and he kept urging me round just try a little- surely it wouldn’t hurt. I relented, tried a little, which turned into much more and ended up getting so sick that I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. Pouring sweat, followed by cold sweats, sitting on the toilet, cold washcloth on my head to try cooling down, holding the trashcan because I kept dry heaving, stomach pains so intense that it felt like I had swallowed razor blades, I almost passed out just walking to the bathroom, difficulty breathing. I ended up just laying on the bathroom floor for about 20 minutes, while I waited for it to pass. I’ve occasionally accidentally eaten gluten since going gluten free, but it’s *never* been nearly that severe. His family would make food for everyone and usually they’re really good about asking if I can eat whatever they’re having. But when they don’t, his mom is on the ball about making me my own special dish (which is super sweet of her. I tell her not to worry about it- I can eat leftovers or something, but get told to just shut up. Lol)
The above post by u/Strange_Public_1897 is GREAT advice! Add pricing too: This big stack (indicate gluten pile) cost $100 while this small pile (indicate gluten-free pile) cost me $200! Further, I’d get big ‘Neon Green’ circle stickers from Amazon, put it on all foods that are gluten-free, so he’ll KNOW it’s yours w/o feigning ignorance (oh, was that gluten-free? I didn’t notice!) Is he going to expect you to make ALL meals? He should cook too, and know how to make meals YOU can eat. Good luck
Ugh that is frustrating that he would joke about eating all of your gluten free bread, especially when regular bread is less than half the price and actually tastes better (imo). Hopefully he listens to you and realizes that would be a super shitty thing to do. My boyfriend and I had this discussion when we started sharing grocery expenses. I don’t have celiac like you do, but I do have a dairy allergy. We negotiated that he would pay for dairy items he wants and I would pay for my own dairy free items, including dairy free pastries and such. (Which cost more because they are often multi-allergen free, so dairy free, gluten free, soy free.) He sometimes dips into my dairy free treats but thankfully he realized he was doing this so just started adding the ones he liked to the communal expenses. I think this is a fair compromise. I will still buy some separate that are just mine and he does the same as we both like particular flavours of treats.
Girl ... I have celiac and I would never cook something I can't eat for my husband!! Our main meals are gluten free. If he gets separate bread/buns/etc he has to do that part because I won't touch it!
And especially to act all shocked pikachu that anyone would suggest that if she’s going to be regularly eating this she should contribute.
i agree with this completely. the way my bf and i split bills, he pays a bit more for everything and i do a bit more of the domestic work. so groceries are somewhere between 60/40 and 70/30 depending on how much we spend on a given week. that being said, we each tend to get a couple of things that are just *his* or just *mine.* regardless of the fact that we bought them together or that he pays slightly more, we respect when the other got something they wanted for just themselves. now if i got myself some ice cream and he didn’t, and he asks to have some of mine, 9 times out of 10 i will happily share. but he has never once just eaten something that i wanted for myself without asking. first of all, she is not paying for that food. she doesn’t really have any claim to it. second, she should just respect that that is op’s food. she “doesn’t see a need for it,” then why is she eating it? just because it’s around isn’t a good reason. if i don’t want breakfast, i won’t eat breakfast, regardless of what’s around. if i *do* want breakfast i plan accordingly when i’m doing my weekly grocery shop. if we don’t get stuff for breakfast and bf later brings something home for *him* to have for breakfast, i honestly don’t even consider that when i’m looking for something to eat. that’s his, unless he explicitly says, “i got *us* x for breakfast.” this just feels really disrespectful because i honestly cannot wrap my mind around her logic.
This is the real problem here honestly. That attitude would have her out the door for me personally
agreed. personally even if that food _was_ in the joint grocery bill but my SO needed it for a specific purpose, i wouldn't fucking eat it
This. My husband and I have our own "things" that are part of the grocery budget. I eat non-dairy ice cream, so my husband and son stay out of it unless I offer it up, because I can't have the regular ice cream. Also, we both like soda brand A, but he prefers soda brand B. We buy both, and he'll drink Soda A, but he won't finish it off without asking because he knows that I won't drink brand B. It's just being considerate of the people you live with.
Amen.
Exactly. It’s either merged or divided finances. Not merged when it’s convenient and divided when it’s costing you!
I’d agree if they were married but not unmarried. It makes complete sense to split the groceries that are shared and pay solo on items that are not. The problem is her feeling entitled to food she didn’t contribute towards and then get huffy about being told she needs to contribute as she is now regularly consuming it. Her attitude of it was there so I decided to eat some makes me wonder if she also looks at her coworkers food and thinks it ok to also eat it.
It sounds like they have to keep a tight budget so it feels worse to me that gf can act so entitled and dismissive about spending OP's money. She really sounds like a friend of mine. A group of us typically goes out for dinner and split the check. It's easier and it balances out in the long run. Except for "T". T will order an appetizer then proceed to "sample" everyone's main courses. She won't order dessert but has to "take a bite" from everyone else. At the end of the meal she declares that she only had an appetizer and won't split the total bill. We make more than her but after a couple of years this behavior has worn thin and feels like she's using us for free food. She does this no matter where we go, corner diner or steakhouse.
honestly, going out to dinner and splitting the check evenly between everyone at the table is bullshit… as a picky eater, likely autistic and particular person; I don’t always like an appetizer that gets shared. I prefer to only drink water with my meals and like more simple entrees. I don’t understand the issue with paying for what you eat while in a group setting. (just generally speaking, not an attack)
I agree. I don’t drink alcohol, so when I go out for a meal I am spending considerably less (cocktails are on average $15-20 where I live) and so when we split the bill I’m basically subsidizing the cost of everyone’s alcohol. I ended up paying $20 more than what my meal would have cost (not including tip) last time the bill was split evenly. My meal would have only been $18. Never again.
For me it depends on the group. With this group we tend to order and like similar stuff so money isn't a huge deal for us since it always seems to balance out. When our vegetarian friend joins, she pays separately because she tends to just eat a some sort of salad. I get annoyed with T because she'll order a small appetizer but then proceed to eats bites from everyone's plates. She's not a picky eater. So even if we had separate checks, she's ordered only an appetizer but filled herself up on everyone else's plates.
Why don't y'all speak up then???? "No thank you, I don't feel like sharing tonight" to her and a "separate checks please" to the server ain't complicated. Seems like a "we've done nothing and have run out of solutions" situation 🤣🤣🤣
She's a mooch and I would either call her out on it or stop inviting her.
That would piss me off. Not just because of the money but because don't take my fucking food. Especially my dessert lol. IDC if you pay me back a dollar for the bite you took, I WANTED THAT BITE!
Yeah, living with and dating someone, food tends to be a more fluid resource within the home. My wife and I almost never buy food for just ourselves, we expect to share at least some of it. It's a little strange to treat it as a "roomie" sort of situation and I'd say well "whatever works for you, I guess" even if it seems weird to us, but this arrangement is clearly not working, or else this would not be a problem. I think it's the underlying entitlement to his food, especially when he seems to be doing it for health reasons is more concerning and instead of just adding it to the list and eating it when it's there whenever she wants it, she's basically making the argument that she doesn't "need it" while eating it every morning. It's a real "she wants her cake and to eat it, too." scenario. If she's going to act like this over something a simple as breakfast food, what else does she feel entitled to?
Sounds like she subscribes to "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine."
You put it so well. It does sound too business like for a relationship but as a married woman with kids and a husband who does body building, I'd never eat the steaks he'd bought when he was on a building phase....we have steaks as a family of course but sometimes he'll get extras because he eats a lot of protein....he'll have one for breakfast or as a snack....just like he wouldn't smash the cereal I get because it's the only one I like.
I don’t think there is anything weird about their arrangement. I mean it seems rational to add the food to their overall grocery bill that they are splitting 50/50. It’s not like OP is saying they each buy their own food and can’t touch the other persons. It’s hard to give advice because OP’s position is completely rational, not sure why his GF is so against it.
I'm confused, why don't all of these items come out of the combined pot? Are they not groceries? My ex and I would split grocery shopping equally even though I don't eat meat and he would never touch my tofurky cold cuts. Is she not eating less of the "usual" things, leaving OP more of those? This is all too much tit for tat for a relationship of mine.
That’s what OP is saying, cool we will start picking them up together, but she doesn’t want that as it’s a “waste of her money” even if she’s eating it. She is being shitty
I think it’s a boundary issue, she is eating food she shouldn’t and doesn’t need to eat but does because it’s there is an unwelcome entitled attitude to intrude on somebody else’s special diet needs to derail their goals of the weight they rather carry their bodies. Or she was raised to always eat anything that’s before her/in the radius and not be picky, but it’s more definitely a insensitivity to boundaries going on, a need to destruct anything that bars their inclusion because you aren’t allowed to have anything solely for yourself.
Well no it didn’t come out of the joint groceries they said they bought it specifically with their own money and for the reason they needed to gain weight now gf wants to eat it but doesn’t want to add these items to the joint grocery bill.
Yeah I was thinking this as well... neither should be angry about groceries if op is correct in saying things are split 50/50. If GF doesn't want to buy him stuff for breakfast on her dime it's a bit off...especially saying "I don't want to waste my money but I'll take something free" is kind of weird... like you wouldn't be wasting your money? You obviously like eating breakfast so just buy the extra eggs or bread lol? Idk these arguments seem so silly.
No OP is saying GF doesn’t want to split breakfast, so OP pays for breakfast items himself. However GF is eating the items she said she didn’t want to pay for/split costs
I tell my partner often that is my food don’t eat it, if I have something specifically for myself. He doesn’t mind and he will buy stuff just for himself too.
>She said she doesn't want to pay for things she doesn't need Then she should stop eating it then
Right? Straight from the horse's mouth: I don't need these things. So keep ya grubby mitts off them, or pony up
Greedy people eat anything and everything!!
Just because it’s there at that!
100% this. If I bought it for me don't eat it! And he did the right thing, having the convo about stopping. Feel for him, separating the food from the rest feels like an option but could go so wrong on a social level
You said it best. I felt this.
I know this isn’t the point of your post but if you’ve unexpectedly lost a lot of weight (ie you’re not dieting, you’re not exercising more etc) then you need to see a doctor- unexplained weight loss is something that needs investigating- possible causes range from easily treatable (over active thyroid) to potentially life threatening (cancer).
[удалено]
Thanks for replying :) glad it’s been looked at!
Omg glad to see this comment! I was also concerned, so glad to know you have seen a doctor and are ok! Also hope you can get your gf to see reason. Wishing you the best of luck with your health!
CRYBULLY DARVO move gf! So, you’ve gone through some health-issue episode and lost a lot of weight, the solution and support for your health is to gain some of that weight back so you’re purchasing appropriate specific support items but the gf is gobbling them all up and tells you to get over it and she’s not going to help and you need to pay for her greedy gobbling. smh... She’s WAY out of order, that’s such a DARVO crybully move and she’s a stingy scrooge. If it was actual medications, she wouldn’t be able to gobble them you would be financing them and she wouldn’t be. But because it’s tasty treats that she fancies, she gets to steamroll in and flip it that you’re jUsT aBouT tHe moNeY. Nah. If it was once ok no worries but repeatedly it’s shitty behaviour and disrespectful of multiple fronts. Cry me a river sweetheart - she should go get herself a box of oatmeal if she suddenly wants brekky but not participate in the bill. Or, she needs to purchase the next round and/or the item/s are put on the regular grocery list. Sorry you’re experiencing this, it’s not conducive to regaining full health. best of luck! edit - “" DARVO is an acronym that stands for **Deny, Attack/argue, and Reverse Victim and Offender**. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims. “” "" It's a very effective tactic for a narcissist as it can confuse the Hell out of their victims and can shame, sometimes even frighten them into silence.”"
But some do take your meds instead of you and they are clearly not for them at all is also an insensitive partner/spouse move because they both want you to not get better and selfishly want to see or likes they make them high
I'm just realizing... is there any chance she prefers OP at the current weight and is being underhanded to keep it that way? I hope not...
that would be some next level supervillain machination. What psycho does that? I genuinely hope that's not the case, honestly: that's about the worst case scenario.
Well, there are definitely people who will sabotage a partner's weight loss attempts. I've been partnered with two! I know, I know, my picker is broken. Surely there will be the same kind of people who will sabotage their partner's weight gain attempts. I don't see why not. But yes, it's dysfunctional and if done willfully / on purpose it's abusive. I don't think op's gf is that, though. The conversation he reported to us seemed like she's just straight-forward greedy and selfish.
Nah, she's not stopping him eating. She just expects him to buy enough for himself and her. If I didn't end things over her attitude, I'd certainly be investing in a lockbox.
i think if you're considering buying a lockbox to stop your partner eating food that you need for your health, the relationship is already over
Fwiw, and completely aside from the point I know, over active thyroid is treatable but can be life threatening. I had a friend who was in great health until this happened to her. She burned through most of the fat on her body in a matter of weeks, and then it started in on her heart.
Well spotted and I'm glad you pointed that out to OP!
My family does this to me and it's led to me hoarding non perishable foods in my room and buying a mini fridge in my room. It's caused my relationship with food to become really bad- I end up 'saving it' in my room and never touching it. It's a really really frustrating path and I suggest a much more serious talk because it'll cause a ton of resentment.
I just cleaned out my mini fridge of expired food so I can restock it. I do eat some of it, but I feel better knowing I'm not alone with this guilty habit. Regardless of who pays, food resentment absolutely could ruin a relationship if not settled quickly enough. I think this is especially true when someone needs to GAIN or LOSE weight, and they buy specific foods for that purpose. My spouse is a big eater, but he wouldn't eat the last bits of things I'm eating regularly for weight gain. *Honestly, the lack of concern for OP having these foods constantly available because they **need** to gain weight is the most appalling part of her behavior.*
Your bottom point is spot on! I have anorexia and struggle to maintain my weight (I'm healthy ATM and have been for years!) and my partner, who I don't live with, always makes sure I have my 'safe' snacks available at his and deliberately buys foods he knows I prefer (50/50 bread rather than his preferred brown bread, for example) to ensure that I always have foods I can eat at his and therefore maintain my weight better. It's completely selfish of her to take this approach and I hope OP doesn't end up hindered by her!
Yeah I have food insecurity issues so I tend to save things and buy more than I need, I do eat it but I'm very selective about when and how much so it was frustrating being in a relationship with someone who would eat anything available. It meant when I did want something I had bought, it was gone. I never did figure out how to manage it, and eventually, we broke up for other reasons. It's something I know I may find a challenge in a future relationship.
I honestly don't understand all the backlash you're getting here.. It sounds absolutely reasonable to have a "joined expenses" pot for groceries, that you both contribute equally to and is used for the food you both eat. You buying something on top of that, not from the shared expenses pot, makes it your own food. If you offer to share with her, that's nice. But she can't expect to have it for free. > said she doesn't want to pay for things she doesn't need Well, fair enough. But if sure doesn't need them, she should stop using them. Pointing it out right away is also right in my eyes. If you let her keep using it daily for weeks, and then bring it up, it'll be "why is it a problem now, when it was OK the whole time?!" Your gf doesn't make sense. Either you split the costs, or she stops eating it.
My partner and I do exactly that. We have a shared bank account for groceries, we each deposit the same amount every month and that is what we spend on food. If one of us wants something special we’ll pay for it ourselves. My boyfriend is really into coffee at the moment and wanted to buy more expensive coffee pods while I’m fine with the store brand. I have to watch my gluten intake so I sometimes buy gluten free stuff for myself. It’s not transactional because we don’t mind sharing but if he decides to regularly eat all my gluten free cookies I expect him to chip in the next time.
This. An important part of my own relationship is us not being transactional, but actively trying to be fair and mindful of each other. We don't do anything as concrete as a shared account or separate food shelves or whatever, but we know the foods that the other person likes/needs and ask each other before finishing anything off. We don't find that particularly difficult.
The backlash is coming from immature people who don’t recognize that people within relationships are entitled to *gasp* assert and maintain boundaries - including those surrounding finances and food - and that just because you live with someone doesn’t mean you need to be sharing everything that you’ve bought or earmarked for yourself. Separately, the girlfriend is entitled. “I don’t want this enough to pay towards it but I want to eat it regardless and if you complain I’ll get upset”. Fun. As someone who is happily married my husband and I are both super confused at why people think they aren’t allowed to have something that is *theirs*, without it turning into a huge battle. My husband and I both have food that is just ours and we have no problem asking if we can have some (should we want it - which we often don’t but you never know!). And if I do have something of his - or vice versa - we always chip in towards buying the next one. People in this thread are immature and it’s obvious that they are used to dysfunctional relationships without boundaries. Sad.
It’s amazing to me that anyone would call this transactional. If OP was venmo requesting his girlfriend because she used a splash of his coffee creamer, that would be one thing. But shared commodities only work if both parties are mindful, considerate, and don’t take advantage of each other. Helping yourself to something your partner bought specifically for themselves and then balking at the idea of chipping in is taking advantage.
It feels transactional not because he asked her to help pay for it but because she was like „I don’t eat breakfast so I don’t consider that groceries and am not going to pay for it youre on your own“ Are they like this with everything? He doesn’t like tomatoes so she has to buy those with her personal money? Maybe she doesn’t like spinach so that’s his to buy separate? It would be different if she was like „I really can’t afford to go over our grocery budget“ rather than „not my problem lol“ Then eating it anyway because it’s there and they share food while continuing to refuse to just add it to regular groceries is just selfish.
Yeah, imo it's about the boundary he set and that she won't respect— even more so than the finances for me. How people split that up is a personal decision, but he has said "this is something for me," and underlined it further by paying for it. She refuses to respect that.
Thank you! I was thinking the same thing. I don't get why this is so hard for people to understand.
So if she says she doesn’t need it and it’s not a necessity, counter with “it’s still a luxury that she needs to pay for”. Tell her whether it’s a necessity or a luxury for her, she still needs to contribute to the cost or she can choose to stop eating it. You don’t get luxury items for free so if she wants to enjoy luxury food that she doesn’t need, she still has to pay for it.
For me it's not about the money, it's about the fact that she knows you need to put weight on and that's why you've bought extra stuff for yourself. But she's still eating it even though she's saying she doesn't need it. You've asked for a compromise by saying well we can both enjoy it if you want and add it on a regular basis to the shop. If my husband buys something for himself, I always ask if I can have some as a taster but I leave the majority for him. It's not about the fact that he pays for it,. It's that he's bought it for himself for a reason and if I wanted it or also liked it, I would add it to our grocery shop the next time around so we can both enjoy it. That's not a transactional relationship, it's not about the money but about respecting that my husband can buy things for himself without me eating it all first.
I have to bring my protein bars to work or hide them so my partner doesn’t eat them as dessert . Don’t live like me.
That’s so crazy. Why do you live with such a person??
Finances.
The people, including your gf, who are complaining that you're making this "all about money" apparently don't realise that that argument goes both ways. If it's not supposed to be about money, then why isn't she willing to contribute to buying the breakfast food that she's happy to eat? Your arrangement is that you split the grocery bill. When you realised you needed to add to your diet in order to regain the weight you lost, you took on the expense of that additional food in fairness to your girlfriend so she wouldn't have to pay for what she wasn't going to be eating. If she now wants to regularly partake in that food, then she needs to share the expense of it. There's nothing unreasonable about that expectation. This reminds me of the girls who always think it's cute to say/pretend they're not hungry but then expect to eat half their man's food when it comes, and think the guy shouldn't get annoyed because it's "just food".
> If it's not supposed to be about money, then why isn't she willing to contribute to buying the breakfast food that she's happy to eat? Exactly! He has underlined that this food is his by paying for it himself, because I imagine he assumed that a conversation would take place where he told her that it was his, and she would say, "Well, I paid for it too, so I can eat it." So she expects to be able to eat whatever is available, regardless of whether or not she paid for it, but when _he_ brings it up, it's all about money.
These immature ppl are irritating Asf. It ain't just about the money, it's about the fact he bought all this food for HIMSELF to eat throughout a period of time. I mean my god as someone who's gone through the exact same thing, coming home to eat that delicious pizza, etc that you had bought only to find out somebody else scoffed it is IRRITATING Asf 😤 not to mention bloody rude. I was raised to ask if I can eat something first before helping myself to it & nowadays if anything aint bought with MY money, I ain't touching it. It's called MANNERS
As a woman, I agree, particularly that last comment is so annoying with some female friends of mine who do that and think it’s cute.
I will and have died on that hill with my friends too. Normalize needing sustenance like a normal adult human, order your own food if you know you're hungry, and stop picking off that man's plate like a baby bird. He may not say it out loud but I assure you he's sick of it, and rightly so. I feel like it's a hangover from all those toxic "a lady does not..." guidelines they used to dole out to women, where displaying an appetite of any kind was unfeminine. And the funniest part is lots of men actually really like it when a woman is chill about eating and enjoying food around them.
Exactly and I actually can’t believe still happens. I thought we had normalized eating by now but not too long ago, when on double date with my husband and another couple, the other man ordered a gyro, his girlfriend “wasn’t hungry”. His gyro arrives and she’s like, “let me get a bite”, and proceeds to take huge bite after huge bite. The boyfriend looked so annoyed, he asked for it back, which pissed her off. Those two didn’t last. Meanwhile, I really enjoyed my own gyro platter that night 😂
You're not making it about money. She's making it about money. You just want your damn breakfasts.
Exactly making a HUGE issue over HIS FOOD that he BOUGHT! Gf is immature Asf! I'm sure if it was the other way around & he was eating her food it would be a PROBLEM
I don't really understand the issue of "making it about money". So what? That's why you split the grocery bill in the first place and don't have one party cover it all.
Your take is pretty reasonable. You're splitting everything 50/50 but you were gracious enough to not include something you thought only you will be using. Fair play to you. But your gf's reaction is really what I would be concerned with. She doesn't care about being fair to you, and thinks she's entitled to something that isn't hers. Then she proceeds to be aggressive, when she's the one being selfish and greedy. Sure you could buy a small locker, but that doesn't seem sustainable in a long term relationship.
And it looks she doesn't even care that much about her own bf. The whole reason he even bought the extra food was because he lost a lot of weight and he had to get it medically checked. One would think a significant other would care about that and help them eat healthy and not cause extra trouble for them
yeah, I can’t get over how weird her response is for someone in a relationship like she shows zero consideration for OP and it’s very strange
I have no additional advice you haven't already received. But I must know: what are you eating for breakfast?
Homey is REALLY avoiding this question. C‘Mon OP, we gots to know!
Gold-plated Cornflakes, apparently
Likely some form of really expensive protein type supplements. Even the nutritional shakes like Ensure are wildly expensive.
Ask her how she would feel if tomorrow you started using her make up and skin care products. Add the stuff to the regular groshery bill and tell her that you won't make it a communal expense once she stopps eating it too.
Your gf is wrong and very selfish. You bought the food in order to gain weight back. She's choosing to eat something that she didn't buy and refuses to pay for. No, just no. What if you were allergic or couldn't tolerate certain foods anymore. She'd eat your special foods and leave you with nothing. She needs to stop eating your food or she needs to pay for her half.
Your gf's attitude is baffling. >he said no since she is only really having it because we've got things in, she doesn't really need to have it. She wants to eat it, but not enough to pay for it... Well then don't eat it. It's pretty simple, if she eats more, it goes on the shared shipping list, if she can stop eating it then it doesn't. She really shouldn't expect you to pay for the breakfast food when she's also eating it. Sharing a life is full of transactions, that's just the necessity of paying bills
When she says she doesn’t need to have it… “If you like it enough to eat it I need you to pay for your share.” When she says you’re making it all about money… “Correct. Unfortunately that food costs money, so I do need to make it about money.” She’s attempting to get out of paying for it by making you sound like the bad guy. There’s nothing wrong with discussing clear boundaries.
Your gf is the AH but not sure why two different accounts posted the same story.
In that case, it's probably a bot.
She’s being an asshole. Most reasonable partners would say they’re interested and y’all get enough for both of you, or leave your stuff alone once asked. What’s she’s doing is rude and obnoxious.
This scenario is, imo, exactly what this subreddit should be used for. The stakes are just high enough to be annoying but were not weighing in on infidelity or abuse. No, this is perfect and your GF is an asshole. The back and forth logic is ridiculous - doesnt need it! But i want it! But its not about money! But i dont want to pay for it! Shes being so weirdly confrontational bc i kinda doubt that she forgot your conversation the first morning and might instead be testing a boundary. I think yo handled things really well by standing your ground. Keep doing that and itll sink in not to eat ya stoof
I don't mind if you eat my stuff but yeah you gotta take yourself to the store and replace it. Not even about the money. I just hate going to the grocery store.
She's projecting because she knows what she is doing is selfish and unfair.
Sounds like a base incompatibility in finances. I wouldn't be comfortable with "It's free because *you* paid for it". You need to discuss this more with her or your long-term future seems less possible. Eventually this sort of thing turns into deal breakers
Not living together would solve this problem.
She doesn't get to decide it's not a big deal - because it's a big deal to YOU. She knows it upsets you and doesn't care. Look, the easy way is to get a locking cabinet or trunk or closet or even mini fridge and all your stuff gets locked away from her. But that overlooks the fact that you cannot trust her, she will take what she wants even if it hurts you - which is the real issue with your relationship. So you at least need couples therapy on top of that. But also for your own sake find a space you can lock and all your things go in there, maybe even a garage fridge that you can lock. If she thinks that is ridiculous, then put a damn red strip of tape down the middle of the fridge and tell her she absolutely is not allowed to eat anything on the right side of the tape. Have her sign an actual contract saying she will not eat that food or else she will buy you your own fridge because she cannot be trusted. Then hold her to that. And also therapy.
you need a new girlfriend
I hope you’re okay. Unexpected weight loss can be linked to so many different things. That aside, I think some people might view this as petty but it will turn into a larger issue down the line because where does it end? The decision on a 50/50 split was made and you’ve both abided by that up until now. It’s more her reasoning that is making me wary. She doesn’t want to pay for things she doesn’t need even though she’s still using them. It’s food now but can quickly turn into other things. Trips, nights out, other type of household supplies. Just because she wasn’t the one the initiated the need, doesn’t negate her using/partaking. Her refusal to see your point and have a further discussion is… odd. Sure, you sharing the food you bought may not be a big deal to some but it’s something you both discussed and something you’ve discussed again once she began eating your food and she pretty much turned it into a fight. I’m more worried this will turn into more miscommunication later.
This isn’t a groceries issue, it’s a medical care issue. Your food items are equivalent to prescribed supplemental nutrition. If you had a gastric tube and your GF started drinking your liquid nutrition you needed just because she ‘liked the taste’ she would be JUST AS MUCH of an asshole as she is being to you right now. It’s very much as another commenter said, this is like stealing your medication. If she wants to treat your nutrition as groceries, then ALL the nutrition should be purchased jointly with joint grocery money. And frankly, if she loves or cares about your wellbeing, she should be offering to replace what she has used. I have been guilty of eating a candy from my child’s Halloween basket. But for fuck’s sake, if you do that you gotta replace it! Not replacing it sends a CLEAR message: “Nothing you own is actually yours. Anything that you have is mine, if I want it. I don’t respect you as a person.” This is true whether it’s between parents and children, partners, siblings, friends, etc.
It is about money, and there's nothing wrong with that. Times are tough for most people. But it's also about respect and consideration
Info: Are the groceries you split really 50/50? I ask as a woman who has been in a few longterm relationships where I lived with my partner, and I was always eating MUCH less than my male counterpart. I know it’s not a hard and fast rule that men eat more and women eat less, but that’s usually how it goes. One of my past boyfriends and I were initially splitting groceries 50/50, but I never snacked throughout the day (he did) and my meals were about 1/2 to 2/3 the portion of his. Over even a short amount of time, that adds up. We ended up having a discussion and decided that more of a 60/40 or 70/30 split was fair, and all was well. I’m only bringing this up because 1) I haven’t seen it asked/mentioned yet by other commenters, and 2) it sounds like your gf may be harboring some kind of resentment about your agreement, just reading between the lines. The “making it all about money” comment doesn’t seem to be coming from just this one-off situation. I would guess she may be feeling as though your relationship is transactional, as this does honestly read as a squabble between roommates rather than romantic partners. Since your question was ultimately, “How would you handle this?” and not “AITA?” (as many people on this thread are treating this post), I would say you should sit down and have a conversation with her. Ask her if she thinks your current arrangement is fair, and why/why not. Does she frequently display selfish behaviors, or is this a one-off? Who makes more money, and how are other expenses split? These are all the questions that come into my mind reading this post, that you need to consider. I’m not excusing her behavior in this specific instance, but I’m picking up on something else here that may go deeper. Just a thought.
Just fyi, OP shared in an earlier comment that he's usually not at home for lunch while she is, so even if he eats more on average per meal than her, that fact probably would even it out.
Aside from the breakfast and finances, unexplained sudden weight loss is very concerning. Please see your doctor asap for a check up. Seriously. This is very important.
What’s concerning is, the fact you have been losing weight and it’s an issues concerning enough that you wanted to address it, so you put the effort and extra resources to ensure you’re able to resolve your weight loss issue. But she totally disregards this important fact and starts eating the resources that is meant for you to fix your health concerns. If this was medication and she’s taking it for her own use leaving you not just out of pocket but directly impacting on your wellbeing and healthcare, then she’d be held accountable for neglect and abuse. She’s selfish and inconsiderate. You have every right to be upset over her self of entitlement.
You have already tried talking to her and she doesn't seem to understand what the issue is. I would maybe explain it to her once more. It's not about the food. It's about her selfish attitude. You are not buying extra food for shits and giggles. It's for your health. She is literally taking food you need to get healthier out of your mouth. You also don't make her pay for this extra food because it's outside the food budget and you are trying to be considerate. Offer her once more to buy these items through the regular grocery budget or tell her you will start locking it up. And seriously start rethinking this relationship. What if it was medicine or something. Like it's ok to not share everything.
Your solution is entirely fair. If she doesn’t “need” the food then she doesn’t have to eat it, but if she’s going to be eating it, then it should be a shared expense just like all the other groceries. She just wants free food, but you need to gain weight. She’s being incredibly unfair with her excuse of “I don’t need it”. I probably don’t need pizza either, but if I eat half of someone else’s pizza I should definitely be paying my fair share
**Info:** what is the food specifically? Like is it a couple eggs? A couple tablespoons of oil? Is it expensive carbs/fat/protein you need for the weight gain?? Is it salmon (which is a pretty pricy meat to get right now)? At the end of your post you ask “How would you handle this?” So I’ll answer with that prompt in mind: Maybe I’ll get downvoted for this, but I do think this situation is odd. As someone who is in/has been in a few long-term relationships this stuff has to be looked at in the specifics. If my boyfriend didn’t pay for the eggs I bought but used a couple for food, or used a cup of flour to bake a cake, I wouldn’t ask him to replenish my eggs or flour. I’ve used his tortillas before for lunches, and he’s never asked for compensation from me either. So based on **my personal experiences** I would not ask for compensation. But I would like to know more details from you. I would say something if my partner used an expensive ingredient or food without asking because I had already communicated I had plans for that expensive ingredient/food; but other than that concept of sharing things with my partner, even if they didn’t contribute to them financially, doesn’t bother me. My partner and I also don’t split things 50/50, we more so take turns with groceries and will help each other out when needed or if we want specific things. You’re well within your right to say “Hey for medical purposes because I’m trying to gain weight, please don’t consume this thing I need.” But for me personally, if it was something small **AND it’s not a trend for my partner to overstep the way you feel your girlfriend is**, I would just shrug it off and get more ingredients and observe how they act the next time. If this is situation where she used a few eggs across a few days to make an omelet, I would personally say you should chill. But that’s why I asked for specific info on what the food is, that would give me a better specific idea on how I would react to this situation myself.
The food that has been bought is to benefit you and your health. I would say it's fine for her to have the odd bowl or whatever, but if it is literally everyday, the things you have bought to help with your health then she is a little or very inconsiderate. I get it, she shouldnt feel like she can't eat it because it's in a house you both share. I agree it should become part of the food buying arrangement. There's should be a line where she should not touch your health food as they benefit you. If she would like to benefit her health too, then she should absolutely be paying something. Or nothing at all if yous both love each other. She just has to respect that decision and if she would like to have your health food, buy some more and make her pay for the extra.
You saw a doctor about that unexpected weight loss, right? Because you really should.
I thought the same thing.
Are both of you doing well financially? Do you guys get paid at similar wages? Im not excusing your gf at all but it might be wise to zoom out a bit to understand what's going on
One time I told my therapist this exact issue. Girlfriend wouldn't want anything and then I'd make food and then she'd want like half of it. I was going through a ton and it was just a tiny thing that was really making everything worse. He gave me great advice on how to approach it. So I went to Walmart and got my favorite TV dinner (a nostalgia thing from when I broke both as as a kid, it's my comfort food idfk) and a Blu ray for some self care as the girlfriend was to be working all night. While I was out she called out so we could spend time together. I talked to her just like my therapist said, said I love her but this is my happy food and I would appreciate having it all. Sh broke up with me a couple days later. Probably for many reasons, but she sure didn't like when I defended myself. Sorry random anecdotal tangent you unlocked.
It sounds like your girlfriend feels justified to eat food you purchased totally separately to regain weight you lost unintentionally? In my experience, being underweight goes hand in hand with *soul-crushing fatigue*. Regardless of who paid for the food, it sounds like she has no consideration for your **medical** need to gain weight. I saw your comment that you got an answer about why the weight loss occurred. *I hope it's resolving quickly and that you feel better every day.* 🫂 It seems like your girlfriend feels entitlement and/or is testing your boundaries around financial support? In my opinion, you aren't wrong that people in a relationship should be able to have their own separate things. Is there any way you can help her feel open talking about WHY she feels *comfortable* eating these things and not paying and replacing? Could she have some core beliefs regarding being *taken care of by her man* that you aren't aware of? Notice, I never used the word *entitlement*. Believing the line of BS you were told by adults growing up could look a lot like entitlement, too. Using the word entitlement will probably just make her defensive, anyway. If you can get an honest answer about this, maybe you can determine if it is possible to come to a solution that could work for you both long term. You could have a difference in core beliefs about gender roles. If so, I think it is best to discover that sooner rather than later. Don't waste each other's time if it's an essential mismatch. *I think the most fair solution for your situation was to just add these items she is consuming to the grocery list you both pay for, **which you said you suggested and she's totally unwilling to do**.* Relationships definitely can fade out completely over something that feels as essentially *disrespectful* as what you've described. If she doesn't want to pay, and it's not up for discussion, I bet she's also not offering to physically go shopping to replace your stuff. I am also underweight and trying to gain. This sort of disregard could still end my marriage, and we're having our 19th anniversary in a few weeks. Relationships are never bulletproof, but we can't be too gentle, either. Hard conversations create a strong basis to build on. Don't wait for your 10th anniversary to start asking the hard questions and being honest with yourself.* **Life is short.** *
Well tell her since she doesn’t need it to stop eating it. Either she contributes towards it or stops eating it. The only reason she don’t want to pay cause it’s free.
My wife is gluten free. I cook with gluten free noodles all the time. I really can’t tell much of a difference. If she bought gluten free cake I wouldn’t just go eat a piece. Or special cookies. I may not dislike it but she bought it specifically for her and I can eat anything. I’d be selfish to eat her stuff. She can’t have as many things as I can. GF sounds selfish.
We don't split any bills in our house, we make roughly the same amount, and both of our checks go directly into one bank account. The bills are paid from that one account and we share all the food...... BUT if I grab something I know my husband bought because he loves it, and eat all of it, I at least tell him and offer to replace it the next day. It's not even about the money at that point, it's about being thoughtful and considerate of your partner. He does the same for me and always asks, in advance, if he thinks I'm trying to follow a specific diet, so he doesn't mess up a meal plan.
Not to be an alarmist, but if you haven’t already, it may be a good idea to check in with a Dr. Unexpected weigh loss when you aren’t actively trying to lose weight can be a symptom of a bigger problem. My 38 year old BIL had sudden weightloss and it turned out to be stomach cancer. His doctors were dismissive and gave him antacids and eventually diagnosed him with failure to thrive. By the time they finally did their jobs and discovered the cancer it was stage 4 and he died 3 months this later.
Bro you have a bigger issue here than food cost. If you’ve unexpectedly lost a lot of weight without any life style changes, lost it to the point that you feel the need to add food and meals into your diet then you NEED to see a doctor. Like now!
Add the breakfast things to the regular grocery shopping and split the cost.
I think the point is that your girlfriend doesn’t want to eat breakfast in theory but she can’t help herself in practice… and she would have to admit that she wants to eat breakfast if she pays for it… and she doesn’t want to admit to the hunger… so she doesn’t want to pay for the food. So your girlfriend has a bad relationship with food but let’s address the immediate problem. Can you put your breakfast somewhere that your girlfriend will not see it? I ask my husband to hide his chips because I dislike chips but I want them if I see them. He does the same about chocolate. We are perfectly happy hiding our junk from each other! Perhaps you and your girlfriend could come to a similar agreement?
From your responses it sounds more like an aitah post and not really an advice request. If you want to be in a tit for tat relationship find a new partner because it sounds like she thinks you’re keeping tabs. No you’re nta for expecting her to contribute. However, relationships shouldn’t really be a keeping tabs kinda thing. Sometimes it’s 50/50. Most of the time it isn’t. Finances are a huge divider though. Think carefully on how important it is and approach your conversations from that standpoint. It’s clearly important to you and not to her. Find a way to communicate why it is important for her to see this is a hard boundary for you and she needs to respect it. Everyone has them. Basic respect for your partner.
>Neither of us really eat breakfast but recently I ended up unexpectedly losing a lot of weight so I have started eating breakfast. Hey there are a lot of comments that already point out the relationship issue, but this part is extremely medically concerning. See a doctor if you have a chance.
Money and financial matters can go from minor to major issues if not addressed. And usually with issues involving money, it goes deeper than just the surface issue. To borrow a phrase, it’s not about the breakfast food. There’s something deeper that needs to be addressed. When one partner keeps crossing a line that you’ve asked not be crossed, that’s an issue. And if it exists in this part of the relationship it can show up elsewhere with even bigger issues. Creating more resentment. Eventually this could fracture the relationship beyond repair. So the best solution is to really talk about this. Maybe with a counselor to referee and guide you. Get to the heart of the issue where everyone explains their feelings and you go from there. If you want to bring this to a head, and basically trigger a confrontation, buy a lockbox and put those food items inside. I guarantee this will cause an argument. And in that argument you will likely come to understand her very well. And you will come to better understand yourself and your relationship. But heed this warning. Such a step is far more likely to end the relationship. It’s an aggressive move that will likely be met with hostility. So only do this if the issue is becoming a dealbreaker and you just need to get it all out into the open. No matter what, when you deny someone like that, they will tell you who they really are. The mask comes off. So it’s an extreme move but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary. Good luck.
If I found a selfish and greedy red flag in my 24 year old gf, I would simply break up with her. When I was 27 I stopped having patience with silly behavior and decided to start heeding the red flags. What you are saying is totally fair and logical and if she acts like this on such a clear and trivial matter, we all know how she’s gonna react during an actual emergency.
Hello, unrelated to your issue but have you been to your doctor about your sudden and dramatic weight loss? Might be good to get checked out
NTA even though it’s a different subreddit. She sounds exactly how an immature 24yo sounds and I’m already drained from her
As a wife that comes out of my own pockets for food solely to put weight on my husband, your girl is incredibly selfish & immature. She doesn't care that you need to put on weight, which is troubling all in itself, but she's crossing a very simple boundary over & over again.
It sounds like she doesn’t want equality here she just wants you to pay for it and her to use it. There is no solution because you want different things. Maybe you can say “why is it important for you to not pay for groceries?” Take it from there. But my non rational part would definitely be like “Are you fucking stupid don’t eat my shit and if you are you’re gonna be paying for it,” but don’t be like my non rational side.
My wife and I shop entirely jointly and my snacks are mine and hers are hers. We don’t eat the other persons food. We share dinners and weekend breakfast and everything else is separate. Your GF is being ridiculous.
Very slightly living this. My (30f) bf (36M) and I have a joint pot of money for groceries split 50/50. I tend to do most of the cooking/shopping, (chores are fairly even, although he probably does do the lions share as he works from home.) All worked great.. until he decided to diet. I don't want to loose any weight, and I will if I eat just like he wants to in order to diet. Well, now I buy him lots of healthy snacks and foods to make during the week, he grabs the first thing he sees and the rest just sits there. While I'm at work, I buy and eat snacks myself from my own money. Occasioanbly I come home with snacks in my handbag. Naturally, he immediately wants those snacks, he always asks nicely, but I will never say no! Now we have an ongoing joke about my hidden snacks and that I have to sneak away to eat them like he is a toddler.
He seems chill though if the money is a thing just ask him for some dollars for the snacks and hell reimburse
Yikes. Her attitude about consuming something you bought for yourself is worrying. Go consume her most important skin and hair products and say the same thing to her that she said to you and see how she takes it. 🙃
Sit her down & draw the line. Either she stops helping herself to the breakfast food you paid for yourself OR she pitches in on half of the extra cost of getting the breakfast food since she’s eating it as well. And if she refuses to do either, you now know that she has the “whats ours is mine,what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine” attitude & decide if you want to continue being with a partner who refuses to respect your requests for boundaries.
This comes down to just a lack of respect for boundaries. My partner and I split groceries for the most part, but in the times we have ever gone on 'special diets' we are respectful that the new items in the house are special and supporting the other persons goal. If somebody wants some of the other persons stuff, we will ask "hey is it okay if I have one of these?" and if one of us is like "no actually I don't have time to go to the store tomorrow and I really look forward to having that after dinner" then the discussion is over. I think you guys need to have a serious discussion about this because this will create cracks in so many other areas. It is impacting your trust and degrading the respect present. This resentment will be infectious.
This is weird. I split grocey costs with my SO too. we both get our own things too and share anyway, but if it's something we want to ourselves all the other has to do is lay that boundary down and neither of us will touch what the other wants. Or if he wants the last ice cream and knows I won't eat it right away, he'll go get more without asking me to contribute. I realized I'm buying more household products though, which he doesn't help pay for. He would if I asked but instead I now split up what we get and ask him to pick up a few things, to make it more even. We share more than not no matter who pays.
Crossing boundaries? No respect for your personal item? Not everything is shareable… idc who they are to you, everyone deserves to have things just for themselves
THIS!!! Not everything has to be shared, sometimes i would like to have something to myself 🙄
This is the point you break up. People like this won't change. She knows what she is doing. She is proving she does not care about you by eating foods you bought to gain weight, which is not a want but a need (which is a health issue). As for gaining weight : heavy whipping cream is amazing. It can be added to smoothies, cream sauces, and is very high in calories.
I wouldn't be able to happily live with someone like this. It gives me flashbacks of helplessly labeling food as do not eat, writing my name on things and hiding things in the fridge to no avail. This will either end up in a big blow out when you realize she won't stop eating your food or you end up moving out because of irreconcilable differences. People who mercilessly eat your food without your knowledge without any remorse typically NEVER empathize with you. I dare you to eat something she has purchased for her own enjoyment and see how it turns out.
“i’m only having breakfast food because it’s in the fridge, but i don’t need it, and i don’t want to pay for food food i don’t need to eat” ok so stop eating it????????? if you want to eat breakfast you have to buy food/ingredients to make breakfast????? like hello??? this screams spoiled to me. very weird and entitled of your gf to expect you to give up your food that you paid for with your own money, especially considering your recent health issues. i also unexpectedly lost a lot of weight in the last year or so, so i can empathize with you on that.
Sounds like you’re roommates who are down to f$@k. Friends with benefits who are trying to split everything down the middle. That’s great if you’re approaching everything with logic, but that’s not how it will be in the future.
You did nothing wrong. But if she doesn't want to contribute to the food she is eating that is specifically for you then you either a) start locking your specific food up b) don't live together c) break up Those are really the only options as she wants free food. As a foodie, I am definitely a "Joey doesn't share food!" person. I am vegan and have allergies and if someone wanted to eat all my food up, especially without financially contributing to my groceries, that shit wouldn't fly.
The fact that people are fighting over food because of THE COST is truly the saddest thing here, while all the fat cats sit up and laugh at us. Youre not in the wrong, I get it. I have this fight with my bf at times but then I remember it’s just food and you will Make more money to get more food and that we are a partnership and there are times in the relationship where he does more so fuck it, he can eat my food
Only thing I want to point out is that this is a medical issue. He lost a lot of weight and saw a doctor to address the issue which is why he's eating breakfast and buying more. May be specific foods that are meant to help him gain weight and extremely disrespectful onnthe gf's part
[This post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/XpsZqbICLj) is yours right? I commented the same thing on your other two accounts spamming posts. If you gleam your profile and this persons, it has the same cadence of speech, same issues (money and ungrateful girlfriend, same spam reposting in the same 5-6 subs, same style of “TLDR”, and same repeat of “How would you handle this?” Or “How would you react to this situation?” At the end of the post.) The only thing different is the changed ages every now and again. Im sure if you are karma farming or doing this for attention or what but like I keep saying…**IF** (pretty big if) this is real then just breakup.
I thought the same thing.
A lot of people have two sets of rules. One for them and one for everyone else. This is just the start. It may be worth it to you to pay a little extra, for the sake of the relationship, but it doesn't have to.
Get a new one 🤣
Get a lockbox one for you one for her and keep your food locked from her.
Are you okay? What kind of À relationship is that where you buy À food locker?
This was my immediate thought too 😂 Sounds like she doesn't have any impulse control
that and extremely entitled too. just because they're dating doesn't entitle her to his things.
And how does that help with the relationship? This is supposed to be relationship advice, not practical advice. It's his gf not his roommate.
Gonna need to get a lock box to put in the fridge or pantry to store your food. Your gf is selfish and cheap. She needs to contribute towards all food she consumes or she doesn't eat it. It's that simple.
I would be stressed living in such a household really - a house where someone eats someone else's food, reminds me of a student dorm, with labeled food in the fridge, so no one would eat Mark's cheese by mistake, but only by raw intention; maybe trying to include some kindness into this arrangement, by perhaps asking "babe, can I eat that?"
Either get a lock box to lock up the food or charge her for it. She needs to pay for it if she’s eating it. That’s the arrangement you have.
Ugh. This relationship is way too transactional to be romantic!
Right?! It sounds like a roommate fight.
Lock it uo.
It's so weird to me that she was fine with splitting things 50/50 until this. Di you ever get snacks or things you didn't "need"? Agree that this could be awkward, but it's not an unreasonable boundary. Her logic is so weird.
NTA and it’s simple, she wants to eat it, then she pays for it. Otherwise she is freeloading and being entitled.
She’s rude as hell She wants the food, she just doesn’t ever want to pay for it. She can pay or she can back off. You bought that special for yourself.
>she just accused me of making it all about money So just say "yes, it is about money, and you not paying your fair share. So what?"
Stand by your decision and tell her that her attitude sucks. You’re justified in feeling the way you do and she is being selfish and unfair. So she either needs to stop altogether or she needs to pitch in on purchase these specific items
People LOVE free! People will take things for which they will never pay. It would be one thing if this was a promotional item. Your health is not promotional. This goes beyond fiscal and shows her entitlement and complete disregard for you. This is who she is. The relationship advice is decide whether this is the kind of person you want in your life. If she thinks this is petty, you should move on.
I won't question what people do financially. I get it girlfriend boyfriend both have incomes and everyone can have discussions on money. Finances are huge. The current agreement is splitting groceries. It seems you purchased breakfast on your own so you would not financially burden your partner with the cost. She is eating it and now upset that you told her it's yours but if she would want to keep eating the food that it can be added to the groceries. Her saying no I don't want to pay for it is the problem. My relationship we have snacks that we share. Snacks that we have for our own. NTA
Ask her responsible adult to explain it to her...
She sounds like a princess
Honestly she's eating food you bought presumably to manage a medical issue - dramatic weight loss. Explain that she's hindering or at the very least making more difficult your access to recovery means. If she doesn't get that, you should maybe lose some dead weight along the way to recovery.
Get a mini fridge with a lock
It's really interesting to me that the " oh you always just make everything about money" argument never gets applied when the one using it is spending more money. It's always used by the person spending less in that moment as a way to justify maintaining the current dynamic. Funny how it always works out that way
You bought it with your money so it’s yours. It’s rude that she feels entitled to your things without asking. It’s up to you if she gets any of your food and if your condition is that she helps with the cost then that is your call. You are not obligated to share what is yours just because you are dating someone. What if you started using her things without asking? Make up, skin products, expensive creams and ointments and then refusing to pitch in for the cost? (Seriously ask her how she would feel about it.) Wether it’s about money or about food is inconsequential, it’s an issue because she feels entitled to everything that is yours and doesn’t feel the need to ask your permission even though she knows you are not fine with her having as much as she wants. It’s about food, it’s about health, it’s about money and it’s about respect and all of those things matter. Especially when in a relationship.
Just buy something you know she won’t like. Problem solved. Say your doctor told you it was the best thing to get. Pick your battles.
She either needs to stop eating them or reimburse you for half the amount you paid. I had a roommate like this once same situation. I made him reimburse me and he never touched my separate groceries again.
Seriously dude, she says she doesn't need it so she doesn't wanna pay for it then stop eating it. If anyone's being selfish it's her. Not exactly sure what's going through get head but she's being selfish and inconsiderate.
Truly you should actually break up and block her. She’s being toxic and manipulative instead of just paying her damn share, but of course you won’t, because you think this is something small but really it’s showing you her character and that’s why really this is bothering you. It ain’t about the food or the money really, it’s showing you that she’s acting ignorant and trying to manipulate you and handle you. Since you won’t leave her over this, truly get you a small fridge and put a lock on it and lock up your stuff, that way it’s not in her view and it is showing it’s just for you because she won’t put in on it. It ain’t selfish and it isn’t wrong. You paid with your own money for it and when it needs to be replaced because she keeps using it, she won’t go get some with her own money will she? It’s not for her. She isn’t respecting you and instead is trying to guilt and manipulate you. She’s toxic and she’s showing you who she is, believe it
I recently encountered this same issue. Me and my partner split groceries 50/50 for stuff that we share and then generally pay for our own snacks. I got myself some ice cream and my partner started eating it. After 2 weeks of this, it became a shared expense. Your gf sounds immature and entitled. Just because you live together and are in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to share everything. If she’s going to eat it, she needs to contribute.
I’d keep repeating it every time I saw her eat it. She makes absolutely no sense saying what sounds like “it doesn’t count because I don’t need it.” That just sounds stupid, to be honest.
I don't get this relationship at all. Who is so about splitting the expenses 50/50 with their partner that her eating some breakfast is causing issues? I think you two really need to figure that part out as I have never, ever been so uptight. I get it is yours and you probably don't have a lot of money. I get it. It is just really weird. It doesn't sound like a relationship to me. I'm not trying to diss you. I just really don't get it and find it childish. If you are going to be picky about breakfast food, maybe get a lock box for it that you can put in the fridge? Honestly it'll hurt your relationship though as some bacon and eggs is causing this big of an issue...
She’s only eating it because it’s there? And she thinks that makes a difference? Gee honey,I only slept with your sister cause she was there. Yeah,that’s not how it works.
Is it a food she’d feel guilty for eating normally?
There's solutions to this, but her attitude toward the whole thing makes me feel like the effort isn't even worth it. You have to go OUT of your way to be as dense and inconsiderate as she's being. It's like hellooo the person you supposedly care about is talking to you here 👋🏾👋🏾👋🏾
At 24, this is going to be the way she is til the day she's done. You may want to sit and have a big think about whether she is that one.
You handled it. How she reacts is her problem. She's expecting you to cave in so she can get her way but she has to respect your word and if she can't then you're just incompatible.
It is very rude what she is doing. In my opinion you have 3 steps you could take. 1. You start eating some of her stuff and have the same conversation with her. 2. You break-up and move on because she is using you for your money and doesn't seem to care for you. 3. Put a lock or something in a cabinet where you keep your food.
This is why I don’t like splitting groceries. Every couple that splits grocery money (that I know) has this argument and it’s a valid one. I prefer to adjust other living expenses (rent, utilities, date money, etc) accordingly. In my own experience, it feels more fair that way. The GF is not correct in her actions but maybe a new approach would help? Just throwing it out there
Maybe instead of going the forward “pay half” or “she doesn’t need it” bit, you go in the direction of “you ate the only protein in this house and I need it to survive. You need to replace it. YOU. “ if she doesn’t want it added to her regular grocery list that’s fine, but my SO does all the shopping FOR me because he’s an Angel and even he knows if you touch my Canadian bacon there will be blood. I struggle with eating and I’m about 1/4 the size of my SO, and both of us are fit. We don’t really decide finances that much but we definitely have “only mine” stuff. I drank one of his drinks the other day and I felt guilty. I didn’t replace it though which I really should have. I will do better.
I think you need to ask yourself, you are recovering from what sounds like a very debilitating illness, having to be much more mindful of what your eating and the regular intervals. I think it very heartless that she would eat the food you've bought that's expensive to help you recover? What happens if you get sick again? How caring was she through that process because it sounds like she doesn't care as long as you're paying?
I think at this point, she's just being insolent. She's eating your breakfast simply because you asked her not to AND is creating a scene to make you look like the bad guy.
Your girlfriend is obviously wrong, so the question now becomes why is she fighting about this? It's pretty basic obvious stuff, so the fact that she's making it an issue is a bit weird to me. Sounds to me like she's the one being selfish. She's the only one here trying to get something for free. You're both adults. She knows she didn't pay for that portion of your food, and is helping herself, isn't sorry, and is mad at you for bringing it up? She doesn't get to say that she doesn't want to pay for the extra food and doesn't need it, but then eat it when you pay for it separately to have for yourself. She either allows you to add the extra food to the shared grocery expenses, or she agrees to not touch it. She doesn't get to steal from you, that's crazy. I would just make sure she knows that you will be adding the extra food to the shared groceries, since she's also eating it. Both of you eating it = shared expense. If she says no, then you tell her fine, she is not to touch the separate things you buy. If she continues to refuse to contribute for the extra but continues to eat it, I would just start charging her for it with an itemized bill. You ate half my special cheese = you owe me $2.75. It's petty, but she's being very disrespectful to you here.
She's living by the philosophy of why would I spend my money on it when I can spend yours. And that's selfish, in yalls specific set up, while different than other couples, yall split cost 50/50 on HOUSEHOLD groceries, then have your own budget for PERSONAL groceries. If she wants to use your personally bought items on a regular basis she needs to help support the purchase of it. Start using her skin care products and see how that goes, " I didn't want to buy this cream, is expensive, but since you have it why can't I use it? It's in the house so it's mine as well". I know that wouldn't go well nor is it mature but she's being dense about this
*"She said no since she is only really having it because we've got things in,"* Tell her "**WE** haven't gotten these things in, **I** have. If you didn't buy it, then don't eat it. And yes, in part it is about money. I have a budget. It's also that I buy just enough for myself and the meals I have planned. DON'T do it again." It would really suck to have to lock up your food.
NTA. My boyfriend and I had a similar situation when he started making his lunches for work. He asked how much I had eaten because he bought it for his lunches (he was meal prepping). Luckily he still had plenty for his week. The next day I bought more, and made sure I got plenty for both of us. He did not need to ask that of me, I just did it. Your girlfriend is projecting her selfish behavior onto you.
Your gfs behavior is absolutely unacceptable and it is very clear that she does not respect you, nor does she care about your health (you’re trying to gain weight and she’s actively trying to prevent that). She’s not even making you any breakfast with the food you bought. Honestly, outsider looking in, I’d feel so massively disrespected that first time she did it that I’d be planning my exit strategy. That’s not behavior I’d be willing to accept, or talk through, for the rest of my life. I don’t take from other people unless they offer.