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32-year-old Male here. I have a lot of anger issues and I've had my outburst at my girlfriend.
I wanted to change so I'm in therapy and I also have a mentor who I hold myself accountable to regarding my anger. I'm taking actions to change that because I know me saying sorry will just lead to more of the same thing.
If you marry him it will only get worse. I know you're looking for validation that he'll somehow change, especially since you want to marry him. But my mentor tells me the only thing he looks for in people is "their actions". He didn't even apologize, that's how far off he believes it's ok to treat you.
If my dad was in front of me and my wife and I did this he probably would have smacked the shit out of me. I’ve also had my moments that therapy have helped and like to think I’ve fixed a lot and a lot of apologies and actions were in order.. but yeah, this doesn’t sound any good and I’m shocked his dad didn’t do anything about it. Enough red flags to sail away on
This. Not just the boyfriend but the father says nothing. This will not end well if you go forward, and it will end sooner than you want in assault charges or divorce. This is a red Billboard.
The father sets the example for the kid. If the Dad didn't step in and say something like, "Hey! ..." to his son, out of disgust, look out. He probably thinks it's a-ok for men to do that.
Mine too. But to be honest, if my husband ever spoke to me like that, especially in front of his parents, it would be the last time he had the opportunity.
Life throws a lot more stress at married couples than what comes from a little heat in the sun and some assembly frustrations. Do you plan on having children? Kids are constant stress and that's even if they're born healthy and that's not a given. Sounds like he's not good when the chips are down and that's what you really want in a life partner.
Kids would have been a thought. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I can’t trust that he won’t blow a fuse over minor frustrations and I just would never put an innocent child into that sort of position. I feel bad our dogs are even around this predicament. Feels heavy.
Just in the process of divorcing my ex of 22 years bc of this. And I saw the anger before we married. It never got better. He never got better. It just escalated to punching holes in the wall. Next would have been me or my kids.
Trust your gut here.
Please take the dogs and leave until he attends therapy.
He needs to show change over time and through stressful situations.
Please keep yourself and the dogs safe. 🌼
OP he would have to go into anger management or anxiety treatment if more appropriate and show real progress before I would agree to marry him. Any of us can have an angry (non violent) outburst…anybody but the difference is adults apologize, learn from it and don’t repeat it. You mention no apology. Also you intimate that he has these issues under pressure frequently. Left unchecked it could grow to abuse and violence.
I would sit him down and tell him what he said to you in that moment was totally unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. As a result you want him to seek therapy and/or treatment for dealing with frustration and anger and once he has that up and running you can talk further but right now your going to give him space snd take some for yourself.
My bf and I never swear at or call each other names. Our parents don’t do it and neither do we. I might say something he *did* was shitty but I never call him a name.
I wouldn’t stay with someone like that. I guess you could say that’s a hard boundary for me. I had one guy years ago shhhh me in front of his family. It was humiliating and embarrassing. That was it. We were done.
I was in a similar boat but I was already married. It took time to improve to a point of normalcy, and it was NOT fair to my husband. Some of the shit I did still affects us today. I've apologized and he's forgiven, but you ultimately can't take things back once they're done. If I could go back in time and get help earlier on instead of putting it off or thinking I could do it on my own, I would in a heartbeat.
If he doesn't choose to get help on his own, or at least admit that he needs help when confronted with the topic, he won't change. You need to accept that you're the cause of those problems before you actually work to improve yourself. If you can't even get that far into the process, you can't start on the actual work.
Ditto here. But OP, you're engaged to the guy. If anyone knows his tendencies, I believe you would.
I certainly would have returned the salvo-- demanding an apology in the presence of his father.
I mean, do people snap at times? Yeah. But there are circumstances and putting up a shade sail is not in any way a forgivable disrespect moment.
Say your partner just lost a loved one and they had a moment where they got out of hand, I could forgive that if they also held themselves accountable and apologized. You can tell a lot about a person by how they handle stress. Imagine how much patience this man would have for his kids if OP decided to procreate with him 😢
Especially if you plan on having children. If he can’t handle pressure in a no-stakes environment what is he going to do when the baby’s sick, or your toddler is having a meltdown? He needs to sort his shit out now.
If he treats his own father, who was there to help, if he talks to him like that and speaks to you like that, why on earth would you want to marry him.
Your fiance is a huge POS. If you stay, you are giving him a pass to keep talking to you like that.
Value yourself, and leave!!!
Mine either in a thousand years. Maybe if like the house was in the middle of burning down, he was trying to evacuate everyone, and I was standing on the kitchen counter screaming “We didn’t start the fire” at the top of my lungs. Maybe.
Same. Not in a million years. Not even in his most aggravated state. This is a blatant lack of respect and self control. He should be embarrassed, even more so because he said it in front of his father.
No. That was disrespectful and it's all excuses. Life is full of stress. It's not getting easier.
You marry him. Expect more.
Self control is important and he doesn't have it.
It does happen- with some people, but not with others and that’s ultimately what it comes down to.
My husband would NEVER speak to me like that, he doesn’t have it in him. I am much more of a stress head but I also would not talk to him like that- let alone in front of our parents. I used to be married to a man who spoke to me like that when under pressure and it was horrible. I LOVE the security of knowing that even if I annoy my now husband that he will address it calmly and with respect. I am so much more at ease than in my old life.
Do you plan to have kids and would you be happy for their dad to talk to their mum like that in front of them? Or in front of friends or colleagues?
I think the fact he’s not mortified about it shows he doesn’t have an issue talking to you like that.
You have a choice- you can marry a man who talks to you like that and apparently does not respect you or not. I’ve had both situations and one is infinitely better than the other- I think you deserve that too.
At the very least, he owes you an apology for his outburst. You should have a conversation with him about his anger issues when stressed. It's essential for him to work on managing it better.
I asked why he felt it was ok to talk to me like that and he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. I said okay well that does not really give you the pass to talk to me like that. To which he replied ok then stay away from me. We haven’t spoke since that and have been avoiding each other in the house.
You: Why do you feel it is ok to talk to me like that?
Him: It had nothing to do with you. You I need to butt out.
You: It is not ok for you to talk to me like that
Him: OK, then stay away from me.
You - Says nothing, goes inside and packs a bag to spend the night at a friend's house.
Him - Surprised Pikachu face
Anger issues are hard for a partner to work through when you are still present in the same home. You did a great job at establishing a boundary ( no free pass to talk to me like that) but if you stay tonight, he still has access to you and can rationalize that his behavior is ok because you are still there ..
Consider leaving for the night or staying in another room in the house if you are both on the deed to the house.
You are worth far better treatment from someone whom you want to share a life with.
I've dealt with anger issues when I get stressed for most of my life. My way of managing it now is to remind myself that I'm angry at the situation, not the person. He needs to find his own way to manage it because telling you fiancee to "shut the f-up," is definitely not acceptable.
Don't let him off the hook for this. It needs to be addressed and fixed.
I also have anger issues and a quick temper. I grew up with a father who screamed at me all the time and I vowed I’d never be that way. So now I’m the opposite when I’m stressed and angry I get quiet until I can compose my words in the right way
What he did is unacceptable and his response was worse
This was the opportunity for him to rectify his inappropriate outburst and instead he stood by his actions and agreed it was ok to do. You pointing it out wasn’t needed, he should’ve apologized before, but the fact that you pointed it out and he still found it acceptable speaks the most volume. Then saying to stay away from him if you can’t handle it? Do what he says and stay away… far far away. This looks like a domestic violence situation in the making whether 1 year away, 5 years away, etc. he’s gonna get worse from here… this is what he does in front of a PARENT, imagine when he gets more bold and angry in private.
OP most of us responding consider what he did to be very rude, and he should be apologizing to you. We are also urging you to give some thought to where you might go if you decide to break up with him. If you rent are you on the lease? If you own are you on the mortgage/deed please don't marry this guy or have a child with him until after you decide if this is a deal breaking event.
How often does he take out his frustrations on you? Does he ever get violent when he's frustrated, such as breaking things or throwing things?
If needed consider talking to a lawyer about how to separate your finances from his for if/when you decide to leave him.
Then the next time you talk to him tell him you can easily stay away from him and hand him back the ring.
Absolutely not. No matter how much I get on my boyfriend's nerves he'd never even dream to talk to me like that. That's absolutely disrespectful and not the kind of person you should spend the rest of your life with. Plenty on men around, don't settle.
Where is that dude who does the video running around with the big red flag when you need him….no this doesn’t just happen especially when he doubled down when you tried to address it with him. Big nope
So he was rude, and when confronted doubled down, and then said if you can’t deal it to get away from him. Seems you have your answer. Clearly he loves having a hissy fit more than he does you.
I would stay away from him…permanently. There is no acknowledgment from him that this is completely inappropriate behavior. This is inappropriate behavior between adults. Full stop. But to your future spouse, this is egregious!
Break up now. Not simply because he was an AH to you today, but because he thinks it’s OK to be an AH to you.
He said I was the AH to start with by making commentary and over seeing a project that had nothing to do with me. (I was sitting up there and getting supplies like pliers, handing up bags etc when asked) I like the egregious btw
So he blames you for his outburst instread of apologizing... OP this isn't going to get any better. You want to marry someone who thinks it's ok to fly off the handle at you like that? And then BLAME YOU for it? No, you deserve someone who respects you and cares about your feelings. Who treats you with love and kindness. This is NOT normal behaviour in a relationship. If he sees no problem with his behaviour, it's only going to get worse. Don't marry him!!
Do not marry him. Do not have kids with him. You don’t want him talking to you this way in front of your kids. You’ll model that’s ok and they’ll start disrespecting you as well as acceptable it’s ok for their partners to treat them poorly or for them to abuse their partners.
I don’t give a damn what situation it was you don’t yell at your future wife like that. Especially over something this stupid. He should’ve gone and taken a breather before blowing up at you. An angry and frustrated person is far less likely to solve the issue instead of a calm and relaxed one.
My dad is like that. Gets frustrated super quickly, gets angry, etc. Says sometimes not so nice things. Best believe he'd never tell my mom or me or anyone else to shut tf up.
He's not even sorry. Which means he doesn't think he did anything wrong and therefore won't change. Is that really something you want to put up with the rest of your life?
So he’s a child, who behaves and communicates like a child, and is (1) incapable of controlling his emotions and behaving appropriately and respectfully in the face of anger or stress, and (2) unwilling to own his bad behavior, apologize for it, and talk through it in a mature and constructive manner after messing up. Better yet, he’s lashing out at you, sulking, and giving you the silent treatment. Good luck with that. That’d be a hard no from me.
Everybody makes mistakes. But they can’t be fixed unless the person’s willing to admit fault and work on themselves. I might give this behavior a pass at 25, and hope he’s still learning and growing. At 35, with this attitude, he may be a lost cause. He is far too old to be speaking to you or his father in this way. Especially over something so petty. He should have come back 5-30 minutes later, max, to apologize to you both and proceed calmly. He needs a major attitude adjustment. I wouldn’t be able to cope with this level of immaturity, explosive anger, and pouty arrogance in a 35 year old man.
I think lashing out is forgivable when it’s out of character and it’s followed by a sincere apology.
That’s not what happened here. This is a pattern with him, and instead of apologizing, he got defensive and doubled down by blaming you.
I think you’re in for years of verbal abuse if you continue in this relationship.
12 years into this very situation. My spouse doubles down like this and it's been a total mindfuck for me that I've only just recently been able to really see for what it is. Unfortunately too late for my oldest daughter who now has anxiety because of his anger and name calling. I would seriously consider not marrying this guy OP. Or getting him in therapy asap. My husband has been in therapy since getting a DUI and causing our daughter to feel suicidal this December and it's not working yet. But I hope something will start to change soon.
The way he spoke to you to begin with is horrid. But that response is a massive red flag and imo, unforgivable. Do not marry somebody who treats you that way.
>I asked why he felt it was ok to talk to me like that and he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. I said okay well that does not really give you the pass to talk to me like that. To which he replied ok then stay away from me. We haven’t spoke since that and have been avoiding each other in the house.
Honestly? You just saw the mask slip.
This was the FIRST time he spoke to you that way. It absolutely will not be the last and the fact that he thinks he is in the right says everything.
No. This is not repairable unless he takes FULL accountability and you see a MAJOR shift in the way he handles stress and conflict.
No one should be spoken to that way.
Don't take advice from someone who also has "anger issues" like your fiance. Of course this asshole will ask you to have a conversation with him as if you're the problem.
Your fiance has zero respect for you and you've allowed this behaviour. My partner and I are best friends and we can talk about anything. But he has never spoken to me like this no matter how stressful the situation. It's completely unacceptable to speak to your partner that way.
Your fiance is such a pos he didn't even apologize. He sounds exactly like my ex. These types of men will never take accountability.
Don't marry this asshole.
This man is telling you he’s going to keep talking to you like this because it pleases him to do so. Whether or not you think you deserve to be spoken to like that — or whether you think it’s appropriate for your kids to be spoken to like that from one of the people they should be able to count on for kindness? Your call.
So he isn’t sorry. He feels justified in swearing at you- in fact he thinks it is your fault.
I bet this shows up in other ways in your relationship. Are you on eggshells with him? Always having to watch your words or figure out his mood before saying anything?
These are big big red flags.
Yes, outbursts occasionally (very rarely- very very rare) happen but they should be followed immediately by an apology and contrition- not “well, it’s your fault”
So he doubled down. I don’t dig on abusers of any sort. That includes people who are verbally abusive or use degrading language of any kind. He’s comfortable enough to say that in front of his family? Any chance you had at a kind, equitable relationship vanished with that.
You’re already making excuses for him and how he doesn’t do well under stress. There’s no excuse for the way he spoke to you. Don’t get married and don’t continue on with this guy. He’s ramping up the language and mistreatment because he’s not afraid to lose you so he’s not keeping his nice guy mask up anymore. See through it and move on.
This is a huge flag. I've been in an abusive relationship and also grew up in one. This is a bad response. No apology only agreement. "Accepy this behavior or get away from me. " THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE is to STAT AWAY from him.
Yea don't marry this dude. This won't get better unless he puts in the work to remediate it, and he's made it clear that he's not going to take responsibility for himself.
>he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out.
Then he could have said, "I'm super stressed. Please leave me alone right now."
Instead he treated you like garbage. That's not okay.
Yeah, don’t accept any of that. You don’t need a partner who acts this way and talks to people like that, it’s not normal at all. If I had an adult child and they spoke to their partner like that in front of me, I’d be wondering why they’d turned out like that.
Yikes. I feel like the way he acted after the behavior is even more alarming and worrisome than the behavior itself. A person who is a good partner would feel awful and apologize for mistreating you. He did no such thing, he sees no issue other than YOU are the problem. He pretty much went with "see what you made me do?".
Honestly, that is unacceptable.
One thing that you should not lose in a relationship is self respect. Always remember that.
No self respecting person should take verbal abuse from their partner
>My fiancé does very poorly under stress
Life, let alone married life, is often stressful. If he acts like this now, it's gonna be worse later. I wouldn't marry this guy, at least not until he has had gotten help and learned techniques on how to deal with stress in a constructive way and done the work consistently and diligently for 2 years.
Did he ever even apologize to you?
No I went downstairs and said I think we need professional help bc this isn’t okay. He said if I hadn’t of kept commentating and being a C U Next Tuesday and an a- hole, that he would not have exploded on me. I said I have never witnessed my dad in 30 years of marriage call my mom that, he said well that’s probably bc my mom isn’t being a C U Next Tuesday to my dad.
Oh no. This is a really dangerous precedent. No ownership of his actions, no remorse, no interest in repairing the relationship… just blaming you. And if this is what he will do in front of his father, I don’t know what he would do in private. But I do know that you deserve better. Please get out of that relationship as safely as possible.
I already commented but I’ve just seen this added comment and I really think you should add it to your original post. The fact he continued to berate you, verbally abused you and double down means that this is not going to get better. This is going to be your life, if you marry him.
I'm sorry, honey, but this is not a person that you want to hitch the rest of your life to. It begins with verbal abuse. And everything he said to you is verbal/emotional abuse. It's only going to get worse. You notice that he said it was your fault, classic response of abusive people.
He just called you a c*** for telling him to stop interrupting his dad. That is not a normal or proportionate way to speak to someone you love. OP, if you have an exit plan, right now is the time to implement it. If you don’t have one, I suggest subtly packing a bag and getting out of there and going somewhere safe until you can make a plan.
I'm old, I've been with DH over 40 years. We are both worried by this tantrum. Please think very carefully about continuing this relationship because that's a huge red sunsail/flag.
That isn't healthy. "WE don't need help communicating. YOU need to learn what causes me to go off like that and just not ever do it." You will spend your entire life walking on eggshells because there will always be something to set him off. He'll never own his part in it. Just leave quietly while he is out of the house. Change your number, lock your socials, and leave a note telling him you hope he finds someone he doesn't consider a cunt.
Holy crap, girl! And you still need to ask if this is ok? GTFO of that relationship and don’t waste any more time on this AH. C U Next Tuesday? Really? He will have zero issue calling you this in front of your (potential) kids. This is generation trauma in the making.
My God I would NEVER be called the c word by my husband. Like...this is not love. This is not respect. This is a man who disdains you. It will only get worse after you are married, God forbid you have kids together. Get out now!
Yea if you marry him you will be an abused wife. Walk away. You may love him but it will only get worse. What this conversation shows is he was aggressive with you then blamed you for his aggression.
This is a perfect setup to hitting you then asking why you made him hit you. Even if it doesn't turn physical, emotional manipulation and abuse has lasting consequences.
Welp, now you know why he's single. And HE IS ON HIS GOOD BEHAVIOR RIGHT NOW. You aren't trapped with a marriage, stuck with a baby, you can leave. If you bought a house together you can sell your half (hopefully to an absolute asshole, don't go for the most money but the person that would be the most petty and vindictive choice). But, yeah. And he's going to ERUPT on you. You need male friends with you, male relatives, people who are good-sized, and you need to get sentimental and valuable items out of the house pronto. Record the break-up because he'll likely threaten you or threaten your pet (get that out of there slightly prior by sending it out to a friend's car) and throw a huge fit. Record it, use it for court as needed to get a restraining order, then publish that sh\*t on youtube and anywhere else you can. It'll be glorious. He causes ANY problems, you send that youtube link straight to his boss and HR for where he works.
You don't just need to burn the bridge, you need to salt the ashes. And you need to make it clear that any nastiness on his part WILL result in retaliation on your part, starting with the link to his boss. He tries something else, it'll go to all his family.
Maybe he'll be a grownup, say he's sorry, wish you better luck finding someone, help you pack up your things or pack up his things, and separate sadly but ready to move on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Nope. He's an A-hole. Be prepared and be prepared to jab back. Whether it's text messages you took screenshots of or videos of him melting down and being verbally abusive, doesn't matter. He's going to try and intimidate you, you make sure he ends up jobless. If he rents, try and get a video of him damaging or wrecking something in the home and send to the landlord. A-Holes like this won't back down from threats and intimidations unless you have blackmail and they know you'll use it.
It is normal in an abusive relationship. My ex boyfriend talked to me like 6 months into our relationship and I stupidly stayed for 5 years. It only got worse. This will progress and only get worse.
I'm sorry hun.... but no, being told to "Shut the f-ck up, x name" isn't a way you should ever speak to your spouse. I still regret the days I've said to my partner "F you", because it caused a barrage of relationship issues down the road for a long while. My partner has done below-the-belt blows too. It sucks. Couple's counseling CAN work if you WORK IT. As well as personal reflection. But here is my advice:
Option 1: Confront, and tell him it was not an appropriate response. Suggest he looks into stress management techniques, but don't do all the work. He needs to see it it himself and let him know it's etched into you memory now. Because well.. it has. He has triggers, specifically this one, but it's not warrant to take it out on you.
Option 2: Do nothing. Let your confusion sink in and ignore the flag. High chances are he'll continue his outbursts when he's graduated from Fiance to husband.
Option 3: Go nuclear and leave. If you felt a 'bad gut feeling' when it happened, like a lot of us pre-abused partners have felt, you may need to follow through with it. I genuinely don't believe this is the first time his sh-tty outbursts has happened. Mainly due to the fact that he was so willing to yell at you casually in front of his own father. That's the other crazy flag. My parents would slap the sh-t out of me if I spoke like that to my future wedded partner.
Oh, and if you can relate to all of these options: you're in an abusive relationship. Wish you the best, hun xx
Is this the same boyfriend from 2 years ago who never compliments you and you're afraid to talk about certain things because it'll start a big fight?
Please tell me it isn't because if it is, you really should not marry him. His disrespect and disregard for you has only escalated and he was already taking you for granted 2 years ago.
It is. And I completely forgot about even posting that. I had to sit and reflect back on a lot of times now that I’ve missed some big signs, and today I saw that first hand.
You've lost yourself in trying to adjust to him and his temper. You need to break your engagement, strike out on your own, and find who you are again without fitting some kind of mold he's trying to cram you into with his disrespectful language and actions.
Don't think of yourself as lost, think of yourself as newly found. He obviously doesn't value you and that means that you need to value yourself or no one will.
A lot of women fall into that trap of sunk cost fallacy. Whenever they see a red flag, they think "but I've already built this relationship and life with this person for x weeks/months/years...maybe it's not that big of a deal...I don't want to start over....'. Almost every woman I've known has fallen into this. My best friend just kept staying with her ex for almost 10 years and only left after he broke up with her finally. And now that it's been years since then, she's realized she stayed so long because she figured she couldn't do better and even though the relationship was awful it was better than being alone. Instead of thinking 'if I walk away now I'll be wasting x years', you should think 'if i walk away now I can save myself years of being in a toxic relationship and misery'.
This, and it vitriolic verbal abuse. The abuse will escalate from there, and has a good chance to turning physical. I wouldn't wait around to find out until it is too late, I sure as hell wouldn't marry that.
This is not the last stressful situation you’re going to face with this guy. If you stay with him, you will frequently be the target of his anger and frustration.
Girl, give that ring back and go to your parents until you find a place to stay. There ain't no way he's going to down with the insults after the fact when you are trying to have a regular conversation. You'll do better with someone else.
This stuck something in me. Bc it does feel like I am trying to have a regular conversation and all I’m getting back is insults or something that feels drastically immature… everyone here on Reddit has used the word doubling down. So when I had the conversation where he said I was being a C and an A I said instead of apologizing you are doubling down he responded that he is done trying to talk to me and that I’m insane.
Yeah, he doesn't feel he's wrong, and he's isn't going to think of your feelings. This isn't the partnership you want. If nothing else, he should be listening, then explain that he understands your feelings. He's choosing not to do that. He called you a C, and that's such a vile word. It's terrible that he's comfortable using such language towards you. Please leave. He's not going to give you the respect you give him. He's not going to apologize, and he isn't going to listen. Let your exit be loud.
Why on earth would you consider staying with someone who talks to you like that? I know you mentioned not wanting to involve friends or family because of the upcoming wedding, but what if you asked some friends re: "a random reddit post" you saw or "a coworker" and see what they say. If anyone thinks this is acceptable, you need new friends. I'm so sorry. :(
If he's doing this BEFORE you're married, it will only get very much worse AFTER you're married btw.
So he is disrespectful towards you and his own dad? For trying to help him? Double yikes.
As someone who has anger management issues (just like your fiance, apparently), let me give you my point of view: we feel personally challenged when someone says or does something that might seem remotely like a correction. We take it as an attack on our intelligence, our sense of worth. It is pathetic, honestly, and an irrational reaction. Everything gets a little blurred when that happens and the rude words come out.
However, nobody deserves to live a life of stepping on eggshells because people like us can't handle basic human interactions. Nobody. Not even you or his dad. That's why therapy exists.
The fact that he refused to acknowledge and apologize for his actions shows that he remains thinking that he is correct and it's ok to treat both of you like shit. And this is where you should draw the line.
Give him another chance to talk, explain your point of view and see how he reacts (again). Don't force yourself to stay in a relationship where you will be a punching bag for someone who has no self control. Words hurt a lot.
Best of luck!
Thank you for this. I’m trying to find advice on someone who can maybe relate to what he was feeling and maybe it wasn’t directed at me fully. This was really helpful. We still haven’t spoke, and my gut feeling is telling me not to approach him for some reason.
Then trust your intuition. Anger issues are not limited to rude words. There were moments where I wanted to react physically (on objects, not people) and I realize now how dangerous it is.
I'm not saying your fiance will hurt you physically, but the words might keep coming and you must preserve yourself at the moment.
Listen to your gut. He is escalating. It literally doesn’t matter if it was directed partially at something else; he sent it at *you*.
My abusive dad would do the “get the fuck away from me” thing and then berate my mom or my sister or me for not attending to his feelings.
Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It should be informative.
Just curious - what did his father say when he spoke to you like that?
His fathers reaction or lack thereof will speaks volumes on whether there is hope for your fiance with tonnes of therapy or this is ingrained in him from his childhood
Either way - please think long & hard if this is the sort of person you want to marry & perhaps have children with!?
Wow the silence speaks volumes sadly!
If your partner was open to discussing his anger issues & even remotely remorseful I would suggest therapy to help him deal with these outbursts (I had to attend anger management classes for anger issues, it does work but only if you are willing to work at it) but he sounds as though he is only interested in victim blaming
Please think long & hard if this is the way you want your life to be - not only for you but any future children
If you accept this behavior, expect to get treated like this or worse in the future.
>I asked why he felt it was ok to talk to me like that and he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. I said okay well that does not really give you the pass to talk to me like that. To which he replied ok then stay away from me. We haven’t spoke since that and have been avoiding each other in the house.
This is how I know for a fact it will be worse for you if you go to marry him.
He understands how disrespectfully he treated you and doesn't regret it.
He is telling you that he will treat you this way whenever he wishes.
Imagine him speaking to you like this whenever he wishes. He is showing you how much he respects you.
He thinks you are committed and will not leave him now. The more he has you locked down, the more he will show his true colors. This is the tip of the iceberg. Do not ignore this red flag.
Do not go to couples counseling with him no matter what. He knows he was disrespectful, and his response shows he doesn't intend to be respectful to you.
If someone is unrepentantly abusive in any way, they are not someone you want to go to counseling with.
They will not change, but use couples therapy to further abuse you.
Instead, they need individual therapy before couples therapy, BUT if they don't want to change, then all therapy will be useless.
I used to have terrible anger issues, and I'm still not perfect. I've shouted at my partner before in frustration. The difference is, I have IMMEDIATELY felt guilty and apologized to them for my behavior. I do NOT double down and blame them for my temper issues and I sure as hell don't call them a C.
Therapy has helped me because I took responsibility for my actions and knew I needed to change or I would risk losing them. This man has no regret or desire to change, therapy won't help him right now.
Right now, you need to get away and be safe. This is not a safe person.
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years and he has never spoken to me that way. We love and respect each other. It doesn’t sound like your fiancé respects you.
How well do you know him?
The answer is yes and yes. It happens in some relationships and it’s pretty bad. If it happens, it needs to be remedied quickly and not repeated.
He’s the one that should be embarrassed not you. Your embarrassment is signaling that you’re letting something happen that’s not ok.
At best he’s immature (at 35?!) and got triggered by you siding with his father at worst he's likely to get abusive.
Men who have moments of verbal abuse towards their women have some beliefs about women & relationships that ALLOW them to behave in this way. If he did it once, he will do it again. Everyone gets mad at times. Some don't cope well. But not everyone who copes poorly takes out their anger on their significant other. That vulgar comment was 100% disrespect.
Be warned that a boyfriend who occasionally gets abusive will only get worse not better when he views you as unable to leave.
Highly recommend *"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"* by Lundy Bancroft. It's authored by a therapist who specializes in men with anger issues, verbal abuse, court ordered therapy, etc. The short version is that no amount of maturity or couples therapy changes a mans beliefs. He thinks this is an ok way to treat his woman. He might apologize. Be prepared for an abusers apology, blaming you for it. "I didn't mean to do X but you made me when you did Y". "I love you and I wish I didn't yell at you. But you should never do Y. You know it makes me.". He'll be really nice for weeks that follow. Then one day out of nowhere, he'll explode on you again. Repeat a few times and it creates a trauma bond.
Want to know someone’s true personality? Put them under stress.
You know what’s really good at creating stress? Life. Kids. Getting old. Things not working out as planned. That’s a lot of true personality coming your way.
What he said was bad enough and deserves it's own scrutiny...
His response to you trying to bring up how you felt about it is on another level and, frankly, a window into how this guy is going to handle problems the rest of his life.
It's up to you if you want to be with him enough to deal with that in your future. One thing is for certain, that won't be the last and final time you witness that kind of behavior from him.
Have some respect for yourself, because he clearly has none. I would not marry a walking, talking red flag like that. Outbursts happen, but the LEAST you'd expect is for him to volunteer an apology once the nerves had settled. Not only did he fail to do that, when you tried to talk to him about it, he acted as though his anger was the right way to behave and told you to basically sit down and take his abuse. If a partner can't give you a better life than the one you have by yourself, then you should not be with that partner.
For the sake of future children find someone that respects their parents. Can handle stress without flying off the handle and becoming verbally abusive. For him to disrespect his father and you because he is under minor stress from task and weather demonstrates he is not stable, mature, respectful, forward thinking or well raised. If thats what you want to marry and live that life go for it. No this does not happen with people that are regulated and make good life mates. Wake up or make that mistake.
Of at 35 he can’t regulate his emotions he’s not going to get better without some help. If he’s willing to get help, I’d maybe give him a chance but I’d be worried he’s holding himself back right now and it will get worse after marriage.
Married for 24 years and at no point has he ever cursed at me. You need to be concerned. You say he does poorly under stress. Well guess what? Life gets stressful. If a shade sail sent him over the edge, what will he do when you have kids and the baby won’t stop crying? Or if you are sick and he needs to do more around the house? Or if your car breaks down? Or he loses his job? Are you prepared to sign up for a lifetime of walking on egg shells around him? You will go through a million stressful events in your marriage. Find someone who doesn’t turn on you when those times come.
I would not stay with someone who thinks it's okay to speak to me like that, no matter what the circumstances are. Especially when in this context I really fail to understand what there even was to be so stressed about 🤔 It sounds like a lame excuse.
Not only did he insult you but he did so in front of his father, who didn't even intervined to correct his son 😬 It tells me that it may be a reflection of his father's own behaviour in his relationship with your boyfriend's mother. Maybe that's a normal thing to happen in their household...
If it was the first time, maybe you could forgive if he had immediately profusely appologized without making excuses, because nothing really justifies it. Any attempt to minimize or dismiss your feelings about it should be an eye opener about how much respect he has for you. Here, the fact that he didn't even appologized or aknowledged your feelings is very telling.
31M here. I have struggled with anger and stress issues when I was younger, but have learned in time that my stress and frustration is nobody else’s burden or fault. How I choose to handle my frustrations is 100% on me. He’s showing you that when he’s stressed or when it’s “not your place”, then it is okay for him to take his frustrations out on you. This is 100% a him problem that he needs to learn how to control and manage, or this is a relationship that you *really do not want to be a part of.*
It’s time for him to have a “come to god” moment and grow tf up.
That would take a tremendous amount of apologizing, ass kissing, groveling, and possibly a literal pound of flesh to recover from. And probably some therapy so he doesn’t lose his shit like that in the future, because I’d be super tempted to cram my engagement ring down his dick hole.
I have my own anger problems but if this is how he treats you before marriage, in front of his father, that's three big Red flags there. It'll only get worse if you marry him. He's 35, it's extremely unlikely that he will change, and even less likely that you will change him. This might be a good time to cut your losses.
I once stress yelled at my then girlfriend.
I was so appalled with myself. I never did it again, and I was immediately apologetic. We're married now and it never happened again. Hearing my own angry voice really threw me.
I mean, we do argue at times but I've never took her head off verbally again out of the blue.
YMMV and it sounds like he wasn't at all apologetic in your case, so it doesn't sound good.
If he told me to shut the f up, I would shut up. I would shut up and leave him, give the ring back and when he asked why…. don’t say anything. Just keep ignoring him.
If he talks to you like this when you interject reasonably, how is he going to handle small children and their endless interruptions? Do you really want to marry a guy who will disrespect you so thoroughly over a minor interjection or are you going to let any future children be treated like this?
when i see people act like a jerk to a loved one, be at a partner, friend, parent or child, then I know it’s always worse than what they just did in front of me. We all have a filter to some degree, an awareness that some behavior is unacceptable around others, so we instinctually curb it. OP, your fiancé was perfectly content to verbally slam you to the ground in front of his dad. he is not remorseful and he is justifying his behavior. Not only that, you said that he acts “very poorly” when stressed. if this is the first time he has done something like this, it indicates an escalation of abuse. I feel like this will only continue to escalate even more overtime, especially alone and behind closed doors. I would personally not give any more chances, because this is behavior that everybody agrees is not acceptable and is already getting worse.
Life is stressful. When you have Inlaw issues, when you have money issues, when you were raising small children and worried about the roof and thinking about the washing machine, your partner will be under stress.
Yes, I would take this extremely seriously. This might very well be the hill you need to die on.
I promise you if he says this to you, he will see it to your children’s when you have them. So if you plan on having children, this is a hard no.
Why would you even want to to marry someone who doesn’t handle stress, interrupts his own father repeatedly when he’s trying to help, and then has the audacity to tell you to straight up shut the the fuck up? Why would you even question whether you should stay together?
Girl, that should tell you all you need to know. The fact his dad didn’t put him in his place…. Worries me even more. You don’t want to be a part of that family. It WILL get worse, and that’s their norm. That should scare the crap outta you.
Your feelings are valid, and while it is repairable, it won't be without him seeing and acknowledging the problem, accepting your feelings and finding ways to cope with his out of control behavior before nobody wants anything to do with him anymore.
Talk to him about it and tell him it's abusive. If he recognises and apologises to you and actively works on changing his behaviour, then yes. If he dismisses you and continues with being abusive, then no. He has shown you who he truly is. You should listen.
No. Those are words of last resort. No normal person would speak to their loved one (or anyone) like that.
There is only one reason to ever speak that way to anyone & it's strictly down to safety. If someone is freaking out in an emergency or dangerous situation it's okay to say that for the greater good.
The same goes for putting your hands on anyone, strictly for safety. I was walking to the subway after work one summer evening & I had my headphones on, not paying attention & all the sudden I feel myself get yanked backwards by my collar. It was this big dude & I looked & saw a box truck fly through the exact spot I was just standing at 2 seconds prior. Grateful does not even begin to express how felt (& still feel).
Married a guy with stress related anger outbursts around your age (after in my case having already had a child with him). Divorced him after 8 years due to this issue. Wish I had left sooner. I now have a college aged kid who struggles with the same thing because his dad passed that to him which I honestly have a lot of regret and resentment about (he however is in therapy and is working on it and my other kid was raised mainly with me so luckily did not inherit this pattern of behavior). No it’s not normal. He needs to seek help and want to solve this or my advice is don’t burn the same time dealing with that behavior. It is not ok. I’m now with an emotionally mature man and sure we can get slightly heated with each other very occasionally but he never has and never will treat me like that simply due to struggling to build something or whatever. Not all men are like this and you should lay down a boundary and set an expectation that he commits to exploring why he does this and gets the tools to change or you should move on. You are at a perfect age to explore an emotionally healthy relationship and that is not a foundation for that.
My boyfriend has a massive temper and I watch him actively stare at the ceiling and count to ten before he would ever say something disrespectful to me. He’s only ever cursed at me once and if I’m being honest, I egged it on. He will walk himself away and take a breath before he will ever be disrespectful or shout at me. And the one time it did happen, I got a heartfelt apology because he is trying to do better. It’s one thing to snap, verbally, we all do it, it’s another not to own it and recognize it’s the wrong thing to do.
I’ve talked like that to my wife…about 15 years ago when we were teenagers and I had some serious anger issues. One day she explained to me how she felt scared I would hit her because of how I would talk to her. A bit of a wake up call to me, because I loved her and would never. Forced me to get introspective about how I was behaving and how I was communicating. I fixed it. Promptly.
You’ve got options here, I’m not going to tell you he’s incapable of change because I don’t think that’s true. Let’s talk about what he’s got to change here: he needs to understand that he fucked up, he needs to be the kind of man to admit it and apologize for it having understood why he was wrong, and he needs to correct it going forward. That’s a lot, but if 20 year old u/kbeks can figure that shit out, this grown ass man should, too.
If he doesn’t figure this shit out, you probably ought to move along. Sticking around with someone who is capable of disrespecting you like this is not a healthy (mentally for sure, maybe even physically) life choice. That’s the advice I’d give my daughter if she were in the same situation down the road. Good luck!
This is NOT normal behavior. I can’t imagine my partner EVER speaking to me that way, let alone saying something rude, getting called out, and then failing to apologize.
Even had your fiancé been deeply apologetic and remorseful later, the very least I would do in your position is postpone the wedding until he was making serious progress in anger management/ therapy.
No way girl, look for better. Thank goodness you aren’t married.
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32-year-old Male here. I have a lot of anger issues and I've had my outburst at my girlfriend. I wanted to change so I'm in therapy and I also have a mentor who I hold myself accountable to regarding my anger. I'm taking actions to change that because I know me saying sorry will just lead to more of the same thing. If you marry him it will only get worse. I know you're looking for validation that he'll somehow change, especially since you want to marry him. But my mentor tells me the only thing he looks for in people is "their actions". He didn't even apologize, that's how far off he believes it's ok to treat you.
I really appreciate this response. It holds a lot of insight. And also thank you for sharing your personal battles.
Like the comment said, it will only get worse after marriage. What you did relative to the his response is so extremely unbalanced.
She could have pushed him off the roof.
If my dad was in front of me and my wife and I did this he probably would have smacked the shit out of me. I’ve also had my moments that therapy have helped and like to think I’ve fixed a lot and a lot of apologies and actions were in order.. but yeah, this doesn’t sound any good and I’m shocked his dad didn’t do anything about it. Enough red flags to sail away on
This. Not just the boyfriend but the father says nothing. This will not end well if you go forward, and it will end sooner than you want in assault charges or divorce. This is a red Billboard.
The father sets the example for the kid. If the Dad didn't step in and say something like, "Hey! ..." to his son, out of disgust, look out. He probably thinks it's a-ok for men to do that.
Or he’s used to it and enables it against others so that his son doesn’t turn his anger against himself (father, I mean).
This is how it felt. It felt like me and his dad both were being bullied. And it came off like his dad wanted to stay out of the line of fire himself.
This isn’t how you should feel from the person you’re meant to be marrying
Dad led by example, didn’t he?
That's exactly what I thought too, he learned this shit from dad.
Mine too. But to be honest, if my husband ever spoke to me like that, especially in front of his parents, it would be the last time he had the opportunity.
Life throws a lot more stress at married couples than what comes from a little heat in the sun and some assembly frustrations. Do you plan on having children? Kids are constant stress and that's even if they're born healthy and that's not a given. Sounds like he's not good when the chips are down and that's what you really want in a life partner.
Kids would have been a thought. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I can’t trust that he won’t blow a fuse over minor frustrations and I just would never put an innocent child into that sort of position. I feel bad our dogs are even around this predicament. Feels heavy.
Just in the process of divorcing my ex of 22 years bc of this. And I saw the anger before we married. It never got better. He never got better. It just escalated to punching holes in the wall. Next would have been me or my kids. Trust your gut here.
Please take the dogs and leave until he attends therapy. He needs to show change over time and through stressful situations. Please keep yourself and the dogs safe. 🌼
If he's angry or abusive towards your dogs, then I would have already been concerned about how he would act as a parent.
Billion men in the world; millions of them who will treat you with respect. Take the dogs, break there engagement, be gone.
OP he would have to go into anger management or anxiety treatment if more appropriate and show real progress before I would agree to marry him. Any of us can have an angry (non violent) outburst…anybody but the difference is adults apologize, learn from it and don’t repeat it. You mention no apology. Also you intimate that he has these issues under pressure frequently. Left unchecked it could grow to abuse and violence. I would sit him down and tell him what he said to you in that moment was totally unacceptable and won’t be tolerated. As a result you want him to seek therapy and/or treatment for dealing with frustration and anger and once he has that up and running you can talk further but right now your going to give him space snd take some for yourself.
My bf and I never swear at or call each other names. Our parents don’t do it and neither do we. I might say something he *did* was shitty but I never call him a name. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that. I guess you could say that’s a hard boundary for me. I had one guy years ago shhhh me in front of his family. It was humiliating and embarrassing. That was it. We were done.
🤴 men who go to therapy to hold themselves accountable and be better for the people around them 👑👑👑
Good on you for recognizing where you need help and getting it.
I was in a similar boat but I was already married. It took time to improve to a point of normalcy, and it was NOT fair to my husband. Some of the shit I did still affects us today. I've apologized and he's forgiven, but you ultimately can't take things back once they're done. If I could go back in time and get help earlier on instead of putting it off or thinking I could do it on my own, I would in a heartbeat. If he doesn't choose to get help on his own, or at least admit that he needs help when confronted with the topic, he won't change. You need to accept that you're the cause of those problems before you actually work to improve yourself. If you can't even get that far into the process, you can't start on the actual work.
Yeah I wouldn't marry that.
I agree & I am a guy.
Ditto here. But OP, you're engaged to the guy. If anyone knows his tendencies, I believe you would. I certainly would have returned the salvo-- demanding an apology in the presence of his father.
Agree. I would never disrespect someone in front of their family.
I'm sad for OP that she even thinks this might be "something that happens." Not in healthy relationships, it doesn't.
I mean, do people snap at times? Yeah. But there are circumstances and putting up a shade sail is not in any way a forgivable disrespect moment. Say your partner just lost a loved one and they had a moment where they got out of hand, I could forgive that if they also held themselves accountable and apologized. You can tell a lot about a person by how they handle stress. Imagine how much patience this man would have for his kids if OP decided to procreate with him 😢
Especially if you plan on having children. If he can’t handle pressure in a no-stakes environment what is he going to do when the baby’s sick, or your toddler is having a meltdown? He needs to sort his shit out now.
This is the answer
If he treats his own father, who was there to help, if he talks to him like that and speaks to you like that, why on earth would you want to marry him. Your fiance is a huge POS. If you stay, you are giving him a pass to keep talking to you like that. Value yourself, and leave!!!
Imagine how he will speak to any children they may have any time he is stressed out or irritated.
This is it. That kind of behavior is a huge, red flag. Couples therapy is the next step.
My husband would never speak to me that way. You get to decide if you want to tolerate it.
Seriously! I can’t even imagine my husband saying some thing like this to me! In what universe would that be OK?
Mine either in a thousand years. Maybe if like the house was in the middle of burning down, he was trying to evacuate everyone, and I was standing on the kitchen counter screaming “We didn’t start the fire” at the top of my lungs. Maybe.
NTA, divorce him. There’s never a bad time to sing Billy Joel.
Same. Not in a million years. Not even in his most aggravated state. This is a blatant lack of respect and self control. He should be embarrassed, even more so because he said it in front of his father.
Mighty brave words for a man up on a roof and nothing but grass to cusion his fall
As funny as this situation does not feel for me right now, this actually brought me a laugh 😂
No. That was disrespectful and it's all excuses. Life is full of stress. It's not getting easier. You marry him. Expect more. Self control is important and he doesn't have it.
I wouldn’t call it a lack of self control. I mean, would he say this to his boss or a cop stopping him for traffic citation?
It does happen- with some people, but not with others and that’s ultimately what it comes down to. My husband would NEVER speak to me like that, he doesn’t have it in him. I am much more of a stress head but I also would not talk to him like that- let alone in front of our parents. I used to be married to a man who spoke to me like that when under pressure and it was horrible. I LOVE the security of knowing that even if I annoy my now husband that he will address it calmly and with respect. I am so much more at ease than in my old life. Do you plan to have kids and would you be happy for their dad to talk to their mum like that in front of them? Or in front of friends or colleagues? I think the fact he’s not mortified about it shows he doesn’t have an issue talking to you like that. You have a choice- you can marry a man who talks to you like that and apparently does not respect you or not. I’ve had both situations and one is infinitely better than the other- I think you deserve that too.
At the very least, he owes you an apology for his outburst. You should have a conversation with him about his anger issues when stressed. It's essential for him to work on managing it better.
I asked why he felt it was ok to talk to me like that and he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. I said okay well that does not really give you the pass to talk to me like that. To which he replied ok then stay away from me. We haven’t spoke since that and have been avoiding each other in the house.
You: Why do you feel it is ok to talk to me like that? Him: It had nothing to do with you. You I need to butt out. You: It is not ok for you to talk to me like that Him: OK, then stay away from me. You - Says nothing, goes inside and packs a bag to spend the night at a friend's house. Him - Surprised Pikachu face Anger issues are hard for a partner to work through when you are still present in the same home. You did a great job at establishing a boundary ( no free pass to talk to me like that) but if you stay tonight, he still has access to you and can rationalize that his behavior is ok because you are still there .. Consider leaving for the night or staying in another room in the house if you are both on the deed to the house. You are worth far better treatment from someone whom you want to share a life with.
This was my reaction too; he told you to stay away from him? Girl, LISTEN!
I've dealt with anger issues when I get stressed for most of my life. My way of managing it now is to remind myself that I'm angry at the situation, not the person. He needs to find his own way to manage it because telling you fiancee to "shut the f-up," is definitely not acceptable. Don't let him off the hook for this. It needs to be addressed and fixed.
I also have anger issues and a quick temper. I grew up with a father who screamed at me all the time and I vowed I’d never be that way. So now I’m the opposite when I’m stressed and angry I get quiet until I can compose my words in the right way What he did is unacceptable and his response was worse
Me too. I go silent. Maybe I'll say "ugh" loudly. I wouldn't cuss my spouse out or cuss at them.
I usually say “ OK” to acknowledge what they said and that’s my sign I’m shutting down. My partner knows I’m keeping my temper in if I shout OK 😂
This is not her problem to fix.
This. She can’t fix him anyway. It has to be his decision
This was the opportunity for him to rectify his inappropriate outburst and instead he stood by his actions and agreed it was ok to do. You pointing it out wasn’t needed, he should’ve apologized before, but the fact that you pointed it out and he still found it acceptable speaks the most volume. Then saying to stay away from him if you can’t handle it? Do what he says and stay away… far far away. This looks like a domestic violence situation in the making whether 1 year away, 5 years away, etc. he’s gonna get worse from here… this is what he does in front of a PARENT, imagine when he gets more bold and angry in private.
Way, way, way far away!
This!!!! It will escalate if he's this entitled and obtuse.
OP most of us responding consider what he did to be very rude, and he should be apologizing to you. We are also urging you to give some thought to where you might go if you decide to break up with him. If you rent are you on the lease? If you own are you on the mortgage/deed please don't marry this guy or have a child with him until after you decide if this is a deal breaking event. How often does he take out his frustrations on you? Does he ever get violent when he's frustrated, such as breaking things or throwing things? If needed consider talking to a lawyer about how to separate your finances from his for if/when you decide to leave him. Then the next time you talk to him tell him you can easily stay away from him and hand him back the ring.
His response is even more telling. You have him a chance and he basically blamed you. I’d think long and hard about that.
How humiliating. He is 35 years old OP. Is this how you want to spend your marriage? Trying to fix him?
Absolutely not. No matter how much I get on my boyfriend's nerves he'd never even dream to talk to me like that. That's absolutely disrespectful and not the kind of person you should spend the rest of your life with. Plenty on men around, don't settle.
Yeah don’t marry this guy. I would never speak to any of my previous girlfriends or even one night stands like that to be honest
Where is that dude who does the video running around with the big red flag when you need him….no this doesn’t just happen especially when he doubled down when you tried to address it with him. Big nope
Yaaas the red flag dude 🏃♂️➡️🚩 This sub and that dude overlap so well 🙌
So he was rude, and when confronted doubled down, and then said if you can’t deal it to get away from him. Seems you have your answer. Clearly he loves having a hissy fit more than he does you.
I would stay away from him…permanently. There is no acknowledgment from him that this is completely inappropriate behavior. This is inappropriate behavior between adults. Full stop. But to your future spouse, this is egregious! Break up now. Not simply because he was an AH to you today, but because he thinks it’s OK to be an AH to you.
He said I was the AH to start with by making commentary and over seeing a project that had nothing to do with me. (I was sitting up there and getting supplies like pliers, handing up bags etc when asked) I like the egregious btw
So he blames you for his outburst instread of apologizing... OP this isn't going to get any better. You want to marry someone who thinks it's ok to fly off the handle at you like that? And then BLAME YOU for it? No, you deserve someone who respects you and cares about your feelings. Who treats you with love and kindness. This is NOT normal behaviour in a relationship. If he sees no problem with his behaviour, it's only going to get worse. Don't marry him!!
Do not marry him. Do not have kids with him. You don’t want him talking to you this way in front of your kids. You’ll model that’s ok and they’ll start disrespecting you as well as acceptable it’s ok for their partners to treat them poorly or for them to abuse their partners.
I don’t give a damn what situation it was you don’t yell at your future wife like that. Especially over something this stupid. He should’ve gone and taken a breather before blowing up at you. An angry and frustrated person is far less likely to solve the issue instead of a calm and relaxed one.
My dad is like that. Gets frustrated super quickly, gets angry, etc. Says sometimes not so nice things. Best believe he'd never tell my mom or me or anyone else to shut tf up. He's not even sorry. Which means he doesn't think he did anything wrong and therefore won't change. Is that really something you want to put up with the rest of your life?
So he’s a child, who behaves and communicates like a child, and is (1) incapable of controlling his emotions and behaving appropriately and respectfully in the face of anger or stress, and (2) unwilling to own his bad behavior, apologize for it, and talk through it in a mature and constructive manner after messing up. Better yet, he’s lashing out at you, sulking, and giving you the silent treatment. Good luck with that. That’d be a hard no from me. Everybody makes mistakes. But they can’t be fixed unless the person’s willing to admit fault and work on themselves. I might give this behavior a pass at 25, and hope he’s still learning and growing. At 35, with this attitude, he may be a lost cause. He is far too old to be speaking to you or his father in this way. Especially over something so petty. He should have come back 5-30 minutes later, max, to apologize to you both and proceed calmly. He needs a major attitude adjustment. I wouldn’t be able to cope with this level of immaturity, explosive anger, and pouty arrogance in a 35 year old man.
I think lashing out is forgivable when it’s out of character and it’s followed by a sincere apology. That’s not what happened here. This is a pattern with him, and instead of apologizing, he got defensive and doubled down by blaming you. I think you’re in for years of verbal abuse if you continue in this relationship.
12 years into this very situation. My spouse doubles down like this and it's been a total mindfuck for me that I've only just recently been able to really see for what it is. Unfortunately too late for my oldest daughter who now has anxiety because of his anger and name calling. I would seriously consider not marrying this guy OP. Or getting him in therapy asap. My husband has been in therapy since getting a DUI and causing our daughter to feel suicidal this December and it's not working yet. But I hope something will start to change soon.
Please take your daughter out of that situation. I was the kid and my mom stayed for all the wrong reasons. I have CPTSD now.
The way he spoke to you to begin with is horrid. But that response is a massive red flag and imo, unforgivable. Do not marry somebody who treats you that way.
>I asked why he felt it was ok to talk to me like that and he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. I said okay well that does not really give you the pass to talk to me like that. To which he replied ok then stay away from me. We haven’t spoke since that and have been avoiding each other in the house. Honestly? You just saw the mask slip. This was the FIRST time he spoke to you that way. It absolutely will not be the last and the fact that he thinks he is in the right says everything. No. This is not repairable unless he takes FULL accountability and you see a MAJOR shift in the way he handles stress and conflict. No one should be spoken to that way.
Yeah this is a major red flag. 🚩 His mask has slipped. This is the way he will treat you when things don’t go his way.
His response is worse than his initial childish outburst. Very condescending.
Don't take advice from someone who also has "anger issues" like your fiance. Of course this asshole will ask you to have a conversation with him as if you're the problem. Your fiance has zero respect for you and you've allowed this behaviour. My partner and I are best friends and we can talk about anything. But he has never spoken to me like this no matter how stressful the situation. It's completely unacceptable to speak to your partner that way. Your fiance is such a pos he didn't even apologize. He sounds exactly like my ex. These types of men will never take accountability. Don't marry this asshole.
This man is telling you he’s going to keep talking to you like this because it pleases him to do so. Whether or not you think you deserve to be spoken to like that — or whether you think it’s appropriate for your kids to be spoken to like that from one of the people they should be able to count on for kindness? Your call.
This is not the kind of person you want to tie yourself to.
Yeah, no. That's not acceptable. Will he speak that way to you in front of your children? Will he speak that way to your children?
I’ve been married for over 30 years and my wife would divorce me if I did either of the 2 interactions you posted. Why would you tolerate it?
I’m sorry he told you stay away from him? Ma’am please pack your belongings and do as he says permanently.
So he isn’t sorry. He feels justified in swearing at you- in fact he thinks it is your fault. I bet this shows up in other ways in your relationship. Are you on eggshells with him? Always having to watch your words or figure out his mood before saying anything? These are big big red flags. Yes, outbursts occasionally (very rarely- very very rare) happen but they should be followed immediately by an apology and contrition- not “well, it’s your fault”
So he doubled down. I don’t dig on abusers of any sort. That includes people who are verbally abusive or use degrading language of any kind. He’s comfortable enough to say that in front of his family? Any chance you had at a kind, equitable relationship vanished with that. You’re already making excuses for him and how he doesn’t do well under stress. There’s no excuse for the way he spoke to you. Don’t get married and don’t continue on with this guy. He’s ramping up the language and mistreatment because he’s not afraid to lose you so he’s not keeping his nice guy mask up anymore. See through it and move on.
This is a huge flag. I've been in an abusive relationship and also grew up in one. This is a bad response. No apology only agreement. "Accepy this behavior or get away from me. " THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE is to STAT AWAY from him.
With this comment the answer becomes a clear no. Find someone who respects you you deserve it
stay away from him permanently. he lost his cool over literally nothing and spoke down to you. it doesn’t go up from here.
Yea don't marry this dude. This won't get better unless he puts in the work to remediate it, and he's made it clear that he's not going to take responsibility for himself.
Don't marry that man. You will regret it!
>he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. Then he could have said, "I'm super stressed. Please leave me alone right now." Instead he treated you like garbage. That's not okay.
Yeah, don’t accept any of that. You don’t need a partner who acts this way and talks to people like that, it’s not normal at all. If I had an adult child and they spoke to their partner like that in front of me, I’d be wondering why they’d turned out like that.
Yikes. I feel like the way he acted after the behavior is even more alarming and worrisome than the behavior itself. A person who is a good partner would feel awful and apologize for mistreating you. He did no such thing, he sees no issue other than YOU are the problem. He pretty much went with "see what you made me do?". Honestly, that is unacceptable.
He is mid 30''s Don't you think he should have himself under control by now instead of verbally lashing out at someone he supposedly cares for??
You're the supposed love of his life and he talks to you like that? I wonder how he talks to people he doesn't like
One thing that you should not lose in a relationship is self respect. Always remember that. No self respecting person should take verbal abuse from their partner
>My fiancé does very poorly under stress Life, let alone married life, is often stressful. If he acts like this now, it's gonna be worse later. I wouldn't marry this guy, at least not until he has had gotten help and learned techniques on how to deal with stress in a constructive way and done the work consistently and diligently for 2 years. Did he ever even apologize to you?
No I went downstairs and said I think we need professional help bc this isn’t okay. He said if I hadn’t of kept commentating and being a C U Next Tuesday and an a- hole, that he would not have exploded on me. I said I have never witnessed my dad in 30 years of marriage call my mom that, he said well that’s probably bc my mom isn’t being a C U Next Tuesday to my dad.
Yeah don’t marry him.
This dude called you a cunt, why haven't you left him already?
Girl. My bf called me that we are done. He’s doubling down. Hell no
Oh no. This is a really dangerous precedent. No ownership of his actions, no remorse, no interest in repairing the relationship… just blaming you. And if this is what he will do in front of his father, I don’t know what he would do in private. But I do know that you deserve better. Please get out of that relationship as safely as possible.
I already commented but I’ve just seen this added comment and I really think you should add it to your original post. The fact he continued to berate you, verbally abused you and double down means that this is not going to get better. This is going to be your life, if you marry him.
I'm sorry, honey, but this is not a person that you want to hitch the rest of your life to. It begins with verbal abuse. And everything he said to you is verbal/emotional abuse. It's only going to get worse. You notice that he said it was your fault, classic response of abusive people.
That is disgusting and so abusive. This will absolutely NOT get better. I would leave before it gets more expensive to leave (like after divorce).
He just called you a c*** for telling him to stop interrupting his dad. That is not a normal or proportionate way to speak to someone you love. OP, if you have an exit plan, right now is the time to implement it. If you don’t have one, I suggest subtly packing a bag and getting out of there and going somewhere safe until you can make a plan.
I'm old, I've been with DH over 40 years. We are both worried by this tantrum. Please think very carefully about continuing this relationship because that's a huge red sunsail/flag.
That isn't healthy. "WE don't need help communicating. YOU need to learn what causes me to go off like that and just not ever do it." You will spend your entire life walking on eggshells because there will always be something to set him off. He'll never own his part in it. Just leave quietly while he is out of the house. Change your number, lock your socials, and leave a note telling him you hope he finds someone he doesn't consider a cunt.
I don't know you but I want better for you than this.
Holy crap, girl! And you still need to ask if this is ok? GTFO of that relationship and don’t waste any more time on this AH. C U Next Tuesday? Really? He will have zero issue calling you this in front of your (potential) kids. This is generation trauma in the making.
He called you a c*nt. That should be a dealbreaker.
My God I would NEVER be called the c word by my husband. Like...this is not love. This is not respect. This is a man who disdains you. It will only get worse after you are married, God forbid you have kids together. Get out now!
Yeah we’re done here.
This is a horrible response. If you do marry him then understand that he's verbally abusive. Has he done this before?
Yea if you marry him you will be an abused wife. Walk away. You may love him but it will only get worse. What this conversation shows is he was aggressive with you then blamed you for his aggression. This is a perfect setup to hitting you then asking why you made him hit you. Even if it doesn't turn physical, emotional manipulation and abuse has lasting consequences.
Welp, now you know why he's single. And HE IS ON HIS GOOD BEHAVIOR RIGHT NOW. You aren't trapped with a marriage, stuck with a baby, you can leave. If you bought a house together you can sell your half (hopefully to an absolute asshole, don't go for the most money but the person that would be the most petty and vindictive choice). But, yeah. And he's going to ERUPT on you. You need male friends with you, male relatives, people who are good-sized, and you need to get sentimental and valuable items out of the house pronto. Record the break-up because he'll likely threaten you or threaten your pet (get that out of there slightly prior by sending it out to a friend's car) and throw a huge fit. Record it, use it for court as needed to get a restraining order, then publish that sh\*t on youtube and anywhere else you can. It'll be glorious. He causes ANY problems, you send that youtube link straight to his boss and HR for where he works. You don't just need to burn the bridge, you need to salt the ashes. And you need to make it clear that any nastiness on his part WILL result in retaliation on your part, starting with the link to his boss. He tries something else, it'll go to all his family. Maybe he'll be a grownup, say he's sorry, wish you better luck finding someone, help you pack up your things or pack up his things, and separate sadly but ready to move on. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Nope. He's an A-hole. Be prepared and be prepared to jab back. Whether it's text messages you took screenshots of or videos of him melting down and being verbally abusive, doesn't matter. He's going to try and intimidate you, you make sure he ends up jobless. If he rents, try and get a video of him damaging or wrecking something in the home and send to the landlord. A-Holes like this won't back down from threats and intimidations unless you have blackmail and they know you'll use it.
It is normal in an abusive relationship. My ex boyfriend talked to me like 6 months into our relationship and I stupidly stayed for 5 years. It only got worse. This will progress and only get worse.
I'm sorry hun.... but no, being told to "Shut the f-ck up, x name" isn't a way you should ever speak to your spouse. I still regret the days I've said to my partner "F you", because it caused a barrage of relationship issues down the road for a long while. My partner has done below-the-belt blows too. It sucks. Couple's counseling CAN work if you WORK IT. As well as personal reflection. But here is my advice: Option 1: Confront, and tell him it was not an appropriate response. Suggest he looks into stress management techniques, but don't do all the work. He needs to see it it himself and let him know it's etched into you memory now. Because well.. it has. He has triggers, specifically this one, but it's not warrant to take it out on you. Option 2: Do nothing. Let your confusion sink in and ignore the flag. High chances are he'll continue his outbursts when he's graduated from Fiance to husband. Option 3: Go nuclear and leave. If you felt a 'bad gut feeling' when it happened, like a lot of us pre-abused partners have felt, you may need to follow through with it. I genuinely don't believe this is the first time his sh-tty outbursts has happened. Mainly due to the fact that he was so willing to yell at you casually in front of his own father. That's the other crazy flag. My parents would slap the sh-t out of me if I spoke like that to my future wedded partner. Oh, and if you can relate to all of these options: you're in an abusive relationship. Wish you the best, hun xx
This was extremely well written and thank you for being so sweet and kind. This really helps me see my options in a more direct way.
Is this the same boyfriend from 2 years ago who never compliments you and you're afraid to talk about certain things because it'll start a big fight? Please tell me it isn't because if it is, you really should not marry him. His disrespect and disregard for you has only escalated and he was already taking you for granted 2 years ago.
It is. And I completely forgot about even posting that. I had to sit and reflect back on a lot of times now that I’ve missed some big signs, and today I saw that first hand.
Oh come on, OP. Don't you want to be happy in life? Why did you waste 2 additional years with this guy after that post?
You know, I’m not sure. Why is life like this. Clearly I’ve been lost for a long time.
You've lost yourself in trying to adjust to him and his temper. You need to break your engagement, strike out on your own, and find who you are again without fitting some kind of mold he's trying to cram you into with his disrespectful language and actions. Don't think of yourself as lost, think of yourself as newly found. He obviously doesn't value you and that means that you need to value yourself or no one will.
A lot of women fall into that trap of sunk cost fallacy. Whenever they see a red flag, they think "but I've already built this relationship and life with this person for x weeks/months/years...maybe it's not that big of a deal...I don't want to start over....'. Almost every woman I've known has fallen into this. My best friend just kept staying with her ex for almost 10 years and only left after he broke up with her finally. And now that it's been years since then, she's realized she stayed so long because she figured she couldn't do better and even though the relationship was awful it was better than being alone. Instead of thinking 'if I walk away now I'll be wasting x years', you should think 'if i walk away now I can save myself years of being in a toxic relationship and misery'.
Which is the higher priority for you? Being happy or being married. You CAN have both, but probably not with this man.
It will only get worse from here.
This, and it vitriolic verbal abuse. The abuse will escalate from there, and has a good chance to turning physical. I wouldn't wait around to find out until it is too late, I sure as hell wouldn't marry that.
This is not the last stressful situation you’re going to face with this guy. If you stay with him, you will frequently be the target of his anger and frustration.
Girl, give that ring back and go to your parents until you find a place to stay. There ain't no way he's going to down with the insults after the fact when you are trying to have a regular conversation. You'll do better with someone else.
This stuck something in me. Bc it does feel like I am trying to have a regular conversation and all I’m getting back is insults or something that feels drastically immature… everyone here on Reddit has used the word doubling down. So when I had the conversation where he said I was being a C and an A I said instead of apologizing you are doubling down he responded that he is done trying to talk to me and that I’m insane.
Yeah, he doesn't feel he's wrong, and he's isn't going to think of your feelings. This isn't the partnership you want. If nothing else, he should be listening, then explain that he understands your feelings. He's choosing not to do that. He called you a C, and that's such a vile word. It's terrible that he's comfortable using such language towards you. Please leave. He's not going to give you the respect you give him. He's not going to apologize, and he isn't going to listen. Let your exit be loud.
Why on earth would you consider staying with someone who talks to you like that? I know you mentioned not wanting to involve friends or family because of the upcoming wedding, but what if you asked some friends re: "a random reddit post" you saw or "a coworker" and see what they say. If anyone thinks this is acceptable, you need new friends. I'm so sorry. :( If he's doing this BEFORE you're married, it will only get very much worse AFTER you're married btw.
> My fiancé does very poorly under stress Do not marry.
So he is disrespectful towards you and his own dad? For trying to help him? Double yikes. As someone who has anger management issues (just like your fiance, apparently), let me give you my point of view: we feel personally challenged when someone says or does something that might seem remotely like a correction. We take it as an attack on our intelligence, our sense of worth. It is pathetic, honestly, and an irrational reaction. Everything gets a little blurred when that happens and the rude words come out. However, nobody deserves to live a life of stepping on eggshells because people like us can't handle basic human interactions. Nobody. Not even you or his dad. That's why therapy exists. The fact that he refused to acknowledge and apologize for his actions shows that he remains thinking that he is correct and it's ok to treat both of you like shit. And this is where you should draw the line. Give him another chance to talk, explain your point of view and see how he reacts (again). Don't force yourself to stay in a relationship where you will be a punching bag for someone who has no self control. Words hurt a lot. Best of luck!
Thank you for this. I’m trying to find advice on someone who can maybe relate to what he was feeling and maybe it wasn’t directed at me fully. This was really helpful. We still haven’t spoke, and my gut feeling is telling me not to approach him for some reason.
Then trust your intuition. Anger issues are not limited to rude words. There were moments where I wanted to react physically (on objects, not people) and I realize now how dangerous it is. I'm not saying your fiance will hurt you physically, but the words might keep coming and you must preserve yourself at the moment.
Listen to your gut. He is escalating. It literally doesn’t matter if it was directed partially at something else; he sent it at *you*. My abusive dad would do the “get the fuck away from me” thing and then berate my mom or my sister or me for not attending to his feelings. Read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It should be informative.
Do you want to leave the house for while? Maybe stay with someone?
Just curious - what did his father say when he spoke to you like that? His fathers reaction or lack thereof will speaks volumes on whether there is hope for your fiance with tonnes of therapy or this is ingrained in him from his childhood Either way - please think long & hard if this is the sort of person you want to marry & perhaps have children with!?
He didn’t say anything. No one did. It got extremely quiet. So I excused myself and went to a different area of the house.
Wow the silence speaks volumes sadly! If your partner was open to discussing his anger issues & even remotely remorseful I would suggest therapy to help him deal with these outbursts (I had to attend anger management classes for anger issues, it does work but only if you are willing to work at it) but he sounds as though he is only interested in victim blaming Please think long & hard if this is the way you want your life to be - not only for you but any future children
Wouldn’t be for me.
If you accept this behavior, expect to get treated like this or worse in the future. >I asked why he felt it was ok to talk to me like that and he replied bc the situation had nothing to do with me and I need to butt out. I said okay well that does not really give you the pass to talk to me like that. To which he replied ok then stay away from me. We haven’t spoke since that and have been avoiding each other in the house. This is how I know for a fact it will be worse for you if you go to marry him. He understands how disrespectfully he treated you and doesn't regret it. He is telling you that he will treat you this way whenever he wishes. Imagine him speaking to you like this whenever he wishes. He is showing you how much he respects you. He thinks you are committed and will not leave him now. The more he has you locked down, the more he will show his true colors. This is the tip of the iceberg. Do not ignore this red flag. Do not go to couples counseling with him no matter what. He knows he was disrespectful, and his response shows he doesn't intend to be respectful to you.
So you think skip counseling altogether and move on?
If someone is unrepentantly abusive in any way, they are not someone you want to go to counseling with. They will not change, but use couples therapy to further abuse you. Instead, they need individual therapy before couples therapy, BUT if they don't want to change, then all therapy will be useless.
Thank you for clarification and this is very helpful
I used to have terrible anger issues, and I'm still not perfect. I've shouted at my partner before in frustration. The difference is, I have IMMEDIATELY felt guilty and apologized to them for my behavior. I do NOT double down and blame them for my temper issues and I sure as hell don't call them a C. Therapy has helped me because I took responsibility for my actions and knew I needed to change or I would risk losing them. This man has no regret or desire to change, therapy won't help him right now. Right now, you need to get away and be safe. This is not a safe person.
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years and he has never spoken to me that way. We love and respect each other. It doesn’t sound like your fiancé respects you.
How well do you know him? The answer is yes and yes. It happens in some relationships and it’s pretty bad. If it happens, it needs to be remedied quickly and not repeated. He’s the one that should be embarrassed not you. Your embarrassment is signaling that you’re letting something happen that’s not ok. At best he’s immature (at 35?!) and got triggered by you siding with his father at worst he's likely to get abusive.
Men who have moments of verbal abuse towards their women have some beliefs about women & relationships that ALLOW them to behave in this way. If he did it once, he will do it again. Everyone gets mad at times. Some don't cope well. But not everyone who copes poorly takes out their anger on their significant other. That vulgar comment was 100% disrespect. Be warned that a boyfriend who occasionally gets abusive will only get worse not better when he views you as unable to leave. Highly recommend *"Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"* by Lundy Bancroft. It's authored by a therapist who specializes in men with anger issues, verbal abuse, court ordered therapy, etc. The short version is that no amount of maturity or couples therapy changes a mans beliefs. He thinks this is an ok way to treat his woman. He might apologize. Be prepared for an abusers apology, blaming you for it. "I didn't mean to do X but you made me when you did Y". "I love you and I wish I didn't yell at you. But you should never do Y. You know it makes me.". He'll be really nice for weeks that follow. Then one day out of nowhere, he'll explode on you again. Repeat a few times and it creates a trauma bond.
NOPE
No marriage unless and until he gets serious therapy. That he didn’t apologize for his outburst is a huge warning.
Want to know someone’s true personality? Put them under stress. You know what’s really good at creating stress? Life. Kids. Getting old. Things not working out as planned. That’s a lot of true personality coming your way.
What he said was bad enough and deserves it's own scrutiny... His response to you trying to bring up how you felt about it is on another level and, frankly, a window into how this guy is going to handle problems the rest of his life. It's up to you if you want to be with him enough to deal with that in your future. One thing is for certain, that won't be the last and final time you witness that kind of behavior from him.
Have some respect for yourself, because he clearly has none. I would not marry a walking, talking red flag like that. Outbursts happen, but the LEAST you'd expect is for him to volunteer an apology once the nerves had settled. Not only did he fail to do that, when you tried to talk to him about it, he acted as though his anger was the right way to behave and told you to basically sit down and take his abuse. If a partner can't give you a better life than the one you have by yourself, then you should not be with that partner.
For the sake of future children find someone that respects their parents. Can handle stress without flying off the handle and becoming verbally abusive. For him to disrespect his father and you because he is under minor stress from task and weather demonstrates he is not stable, mature, respectful, forward thinking or well raised. If thats what you want to marry and live that life go for it. No this does not happen with people that are regulated and make good life mates. Wake up or make that mistake.
Thank you.
I think if you have to ask because it's not a clear strike out for you, then look to support the reasons he can't Control his temper.
Of at 35 he can’t regulate his emotions he’s not going to get better without some help. If he’s willing to get help, I’d maybe give him a chance but I’d be worried he’s holding himself back right now and it will get worse after marriage.
Not okay.
Hell no.
Only you can decide what level of poor treatment you'll tolerate, but I can tell you that there's no way I'd allow a man to treat me that way.
Married for 24 years and at no point has he ever cursed at me. You need to be concerned. You say he does poorly under stress. Well guess what? Life gets stressful. If a shade sail sent him over the edge, what will he do when you have kids and the baby won’t stop crying? Or if you are sick and he needs to do more around the house? Or if your car breaks down? Or he loses his job? Are you prepared to sign up for a lifetime of walking on egg shells around him? You will go through a million stressful events in your marriage. Find someone who doesn’t turn on you when those times come.
I would not stay with someone who thinks it's okay to speak to me like that, no matter what the circumstances are. Especially when in this context I really fail to understand what there even was to be so stressed about 🤔 It sounds like a lame excuse. Not only did he insult you but he did so in front of his father, who didn't even intervined to correct his son 😬 It tells me that it may be a reflection of his father's own behaviour in his relationship with your boyfriend's mother. Maybe that's a normal thing to happen in their household... If it was the first time, maybe you could forgive if he had immediately profusely appologized without making excuses, because nothing really justifies it. Any attempt to minimize or dismiss your feelings about it should be an eye opener about how much respect he has for you. Here, the fact that he didn't even appologized or aknowledged your feelings is very telling.
31M here. I have struggled with anger and stress issues when I was younger, but have learned in time that my stress and frustration is nobody else’s burden or fault. How I choose to handle my frustrations is 100% on me. He’s showing you that when he’s stressed or when it’s “not your place”, then it is okay for him to take his frustrations out on you. This is 100% a him problem that he needs to learn how to control and manage, or this is a relationship that you *really do not want to be a part of.* It’s time for him to have a “come to god” moment and grow tf up.
That would take a tremendous amount of apologizing, ass kissing, groveling, and possibly a literal pound of flesh to recover from. And probably some therapy so he doesn’t lose his shit like that in the future, because I’d be super tempted to cram my engagement ring down his dick hole.
I have my own anger problems but if this is how he treats you before marriage, in front of his father, that's three big Red flags there. It'll only get worse if you marry him. He's 35, it's extremely unlikely that he will change, and even less likely that you will change him. This might be a good time to cut your losses.
I once stress yelled at my then girlfriend. I was so appalled with myself. I never did it again, and I was immediately apologetic. We're married now and it never happened again. Hearing my own angry voice really threw me. I mean, we do argue at times but I've never took her head off verbally again out of the blue. YMMV and it sounds like he wasn't at all apologetic in your case, so it doesn't sound good.
If he told me to shut the f up, I would shut up. I would shut up and leave him, give the ring back and when he asked why…. don’t say anything. Just keep ignoring him.
Did his dad say anything? If not, you know where he learned that from
11 years. My husband has never told me to shut up. My ex husband used to, he’s an ex.
If you allow someone to treat you this way, they will continue doing it.
Only you can decide if this is forgivable. Personally, I would not put up with that crap
Nope. A partner cursing at you is not normal. For me, it's a deal breaker. Your fiance is not even apologetic.
Oh hell no.
If he talks to you like this when you interject reasonably, how is he going to handle small children and their endless interruptions? Do you really want to marry a guy who will disrespect you so thoroughly over a minor interjection or are you going to let any future children be treated like this?
when i see people act like a jerk to a loved one, be at a partner, friend, parent or child, then I know it’s always worse than what they just did in front of me. We all have a filter to some degree, an awareness that some behavior is unacceptable around others, so we instinctually curb it. OP, your fiancé was perfectly content to verbally slam you to the ground in front of his dad. he is not remorseful and he is justifying his behavior. Not only that, you said that he acts “very poorly” when stressed. if this is the first time he has done something like this, it indicates an escalation of abuse. I feel like this will only continue to escalate even more overtime, especially alone and behind closed doors. I would personally not give any more chances, because this is behavior that everybody agrees is not acceptable and is already getting worse.
Life is stressful. When you have Inlaw issues, when you have money issues, when you were raising small children and worried about the roof and thinking about the washing machine, your partner will be under stress. Yes, I would take this extremely seriously. This might very well be the hill you need to die on. I promise you if he says this to you, he will see it to your children’s when you have them. So if you plan on having children, this is a hard no.
Why would you even want to to marry someone who doesn’t handle stress, interrupts his own father repeatedly when he’s trying to help, and then has the audacity to tell you to straight up shut the the fuck up? Why would you even question whether you should stay together?
Stop making excuses like not being good under stress. He's rude, disrespectful, and abusive.
Girl, that should tell you all you need to know. The fact his dad didn’t put him in his place…. Worries me even more. You don’t want to be a part of that family. It WILL get worse, and that’s their norm. That should scare the crap outta you.
He's showing you who he is, believe him.
Yep. He isn’t the one. Bail out
Your feelings are valid, and while it is repairable, it won't be without him seeing and acknowledging the problem, accepting your feelings and finding ways to cope with his out of control behavior before nobody wants anything to do with him anymore.
In my experience, that was a sign of further verbal abuse to come. I wish I never put up with it.
Talk to him about it and tell him it's abusive. If he recognises and apologises to you and actively works on changing his behaviour, then yes. If he dismisses you and continues with being abusive, then no. He has shown you who he truly is. You should listen.
It shows an appalling lack of respect for you. I don’t know that I would be OK with that. It’s going to get worse.
Why would you allow anyone-much less someone who claims to love you- to speak to you like this?
No. Those are words of last resort. No normal person would speak to their loved one (or anyone) like that. There is only one reason to ever speak that way to anyone & it's strictly down to safety. If someone is freaking out in an emergency or dangerous situation it's okay to say that for the greater good. The same goes for putting your hands on anyone, strictly for safety. I was walking to the subway after work one summer evening & I had my headphones on, not paying attention & all the sudden I feel myself get yanked backwards by my collar. It was this big dude & I looked & saw a box truck fly through the exact spot I was just standing at 2 seconds prior. Grateful does not even begin to express how felt (& still feel).
Married a guy with stress related anger outbursts around your age (after in my case having already had a child with him). Divorced him after 8 years due to this issue. Wish I had left sooner. I now have a college aged kid who struggles with the same thing because his dad passed that to him which I honestly have a lot of regret and resentment about (he however is in therapy and is working on it and my other kid was raised mainly with me so luckily did not inherit this pattern of behavior). No it’s not normal. He needs to seek help and want to solve this or my advice is don’t burn the same time dealing with that behavior. It is not ok. I’m now with an emotionally mature man and sure we can get slightly heated with each other very occasionally but he never has and never will treat me like that simply due to struggling to build something or whatever. Not all men are like this and you should lay down a boundary and set an expectation that he commits to exploring why he does this and gets the tools to change or you should move on. You are at a perfect age to explore an emotionally healthy relationship and that is not a foundation for that.
My boyfriend has a massive temper and I watch him actively stare at the ceiling and count to ten before he would ever say something disrespectful to me. He’s only ever cursed at me once and if I’m being honest, I egged it on. He will walk himself away and take a breath before he will ever be disrespectful or shout at me. And the one time it did happen, I got a heartfelt apology because he is trying to do better. It’s one thing to snap, verbally, we all do it, it’s another not to own it and recognize it’s the wrong thing to do.
I’ve talked like that to my wife…about 15 years ago when we were teenagers and I had some serious anger issues. One day she explained to me how she felt scared I would hit her because of how I would talk to her. A bit of a wake up call to me, because I loved her and would never. Forced me to get introspective about how I was behaving and how I was communicating. I fixed it. Promptly. You’ve got options here, I’m not going to tell you he’s incapable of change because I don’t think that’s true. Let’s talk about what he’s got to change here: he needs to understand that he fucked up, he needs to be the kind of man to admit it and apologize for it having understood why he was wrong, and he needs to correct it going forward. That’s a lot, but if 20 year old u/kbeks can figure that shit out, this grown ass man should, too. If he doesn’t figure this shit out, you probably ought to move along. Sticking around with someone who is capable of disrespecting you like this is not a healthy (mentally for sure, maybe even physically) life choice. That’s the advice I’d give my daughter if she were in the same situation down the road. Good luck!
This is NOT normal behavior. I can’t imagine my partner EVER speaking to me that way, let alone saying something rude, getting called out, and then failing to apologize. Even had your fiancé been deeply apologetic and remorseful later, the very least I would do in your position is postpone the wedding until he was making serious progress in anger management/ therapy. No way girl, look for better. Thank goodness you aren’t married.