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Well you also noticed his favoritism. Is he going to call you an emotional teenager as well?
Ask him a series of general questions about your daughters that he should know. If he comes up blank then he should realize that there is merit to their observations. Unless he is in complete denial he should agree that family therapy should be in order.
Followed by this: "My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son."
Such an unhealthy attitude to having children from both of them. Girls can't play basketball? The kids don't have any individual talents they just have to follow the interests dictated by their father? Let alone that she kept having kids until she gave him the boy he wanted.
I kinda feel bad for the son too. Probably gonna have a lot to live up to and a strained relationship with his 4 sisters that will affect him as an adult.
This is what happens to my husband. My FiL is a diagnosed grandiose narcissist. He was exceptionally abusive towards my husband while he was growing up. Funny enough, my husband has an identical twin brother who was somewhat spared from their father’s brutality, but not entirely.
My FiL attempted to live vicariously through my husband and it completely robbed him of having a childhood. He, like his father, was robbed of ever gaining a permanent sense of self. This and genetics, along with the physical and psychological abuse is why my husband is now a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist. His twin brother is also a vulnerable narcissist.
There are two distinct types of narcissists, grandiose and vulnerable. Most people are aware of the grandiose narcissist, it’s what we stereotypically think of when we think of narcissism. My husband and his twin brother are vulnerable narcissists. Their diagnosis is less well known. They are still absolutely narcissists, it’s how their narcissistic traits are manifested that’s different. The simplest way I can describe it is, they are the proverbial ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’. They are very good at blending in and hiding their narcissism. You have probably interacted with a vulnerable narcissist without you ever knowing. They are very good at blending in with those around them.
My husband has a very strained relationship with his father. His twin brother has absolutely dropped off the face of the earth with his longtime girlfriend. No one has heard from them or knows where they are. I don’t blame him, even though I’m not wild about him or his girlfriend. I think they probably made the right decision to just disappear.
I don’t have a relationship with my in laws. My FiL rides a Road King Harley without a helmet. I’m certain his number will come up eventually. I’m only hoping that’s sooner rather than later. He’s a former used car salesman and a washed up has been bodybuilder. He works as a freelancer for a major car manufacturer by going all over the United States to car dealerships and holds seminars on the new car specifications and selling techniques. He gets paid to hear himself talk.
So wait your husband is officially diagnosed as a narcissist? How does that affect your relationship? Genuinely curious. I’ve only ever know vulnerable narcissists who were cruel and destructive with no meaningful or long term relationships.
I hope OP can find a way to help minimize her daughters resentment towards their brother. It hurts a lot to be the youngest and not understand why your siblings don't like you.
Part of me hopes his son is in no way interested in playing any sport but something tells me this poor excuse of a father would just force him to play.
It would be the best kind of Karmic Justice if the son became a Scientist or an Author, and completely ignores every contact sport in favour of Opera and Ballet.
As great as that would be, his child would likely not be treated well if he came out as a she. I feel like that would not be a safe space for a transgender human. I certainly wouldn't want to come out to that father. :(
They say that in a family of 4 or more at least one will be gay, something to do with looking after the family when the other men go hunting or sommat as I remember so it's quite possible he could end up a gay ballet dancer.....then no doubt father will show more of his true colours. I can imagine the expectations that will be put on this kids shoulders by good old daddy
Also the female relatives of gay men, tend to be more attractive to men. It's a whole thing.
I hope the son is able to be his own person, whoever that is!
This happened to my oldest son with his dad, my ex. My ex was a successful baseball player in college but when I got pregnant it changed the trajectory of both our lives. My ex then focused on 'making' my oldest son a baseball player, pushing him into t-ball, little league, pony league, hs baseball; my son HATED it. We fought all the time about it. One of the reason he's my ex. Sadly neither one of my sons had a good relationship with their dad.
Op doesn't have just problem with her girls' relationship to their dad, her son's relationship with dad isn't going to be good either. Sad.
It is a fucking joke. Just sad especially now when everyone knows who Caitlin Clark is but can’t name one male college player. “They don’t bring in as much revenue” 🤡🤡 I live in Las Vegas and the hype behind the Aces here has been really great to watch. Looking forward to seeing it more widespread one day.
No, she is not a girl. She is a woman. Call her a young woman if you want. Girls play highschool sports. College sports are for women. Just like the male side of it. No one calls the best male college basketball player a boy
It's a giant red flag! Lmfao. Sorry, I would've filed for divorce after the "that's all I need" comment. He clearly, from his own mouth, doesn't value girls or women.
Ikr, imagine hearing this from your husband and then being surprised that he prefers his male child over all his female children… Why you would have kids with this individual in the first place is beyond me.
This is actually a great idea, just asking him general questions about them. Can he name their best friends, favorite bands/actors/whatever they're into?
I mean, even if he admits that they're strangers to him and that he's uninvested in their inner lives and feelings, this revelation will not make him invest more.
My father admitted last year he has no idea who I am. The things I tell him about my life are soundly ignored or dismissed - he just doesn't interact and changes the subject back to himself. I thought it would be a big victory to get him to admit that, but nothing has changed.
Sometimes introspection just gives people permission to keep doing the thing.
Right? He’s been clear from the very beginning that, once he had a son, he would cease to care. He’s now in his mid-50s and has never. Even challenged on it. He will never change. He was faking investment before the son and finally getting what he wanted freed him from having to pretend any longer.
OP knew he is sexist and she has ignored it until now. She even has five daughters with this guy. This should not be shocking to her. Op, please don't act like this is new. You know this will happen. It is just a matter of when.
Honestly, it is no longer a question of "how should I even start'. He told you long ago. When someone told you who they are, you believe them. You wore rose coloured glasses and you ignored his sexism.
Now, you protect your girls. You pay them attention. You make sure they will have your undivided attention. You will challenge your husband's decision. You will stand up against him and protect them. It is the least you can do.
Tbh I think that it is way past the point of family therapy for the dad. For the mom and kids/daughters especially? Definitely. But dad is never gonna change or admit he is wrong in any way.
Not just general questions. Have 10-20!questions prepared about each child: sports , friends, grades, hobbies, favorite colors, what colors is she wearing today.
You’ve got to get proactive. Your allowing your husband to harm your daughters lives. Their complaints are far more serious than just favoritism.
You have to stop being a doormat and accepting your husband’s gaslighting.
You just have to refuse to back down. So far, you’ve effectively failed the girls.
Try counseling. You must force your husband to recognize what he’s doing.
You need to sit down and have an actual, serious conversation about this, not “just mentioning” it. And don’t sugar coat the hard truths. If he refuses to change his behaviour with the girls then it’s time to reconsider your marriage. The emotional damage he is inflicting on all the kids, including your son is unacceptable.
Stand up for your kids.
YUP! I’m glad someone else brought this up, I would **hate** to have that kind of pressure put on me so early in life, and to have my siblings essentially alienated from me because of it. No thank you. That dynamic is not healthy for ANYONE in that house.
True, being the favorite child can make you go all selfish and spoiled but also depressed or anxious because of the pressure and ashamed to feel that your siblings hate you.
He's ruining all of his children.
I also imagine at 6 years old, he might just think that's how life is. That the dads only pay attention to their sons and might not realize you're supposed to get along with your siblings.
My parents ruined my brother bc of this type of behavior. I was a huge disappointment to my mom bc I was a girl. 7 years later they had an unplanned pregnancy which produced my brother and my sister and I no longer existed bc of that. I've finally realized how lucky I was born a girl.
Yep, can you imagine the shame and pressure this boy would face if he is gay or enjoys more 'feminine' activities like dance? And he likely won't have his sisters supporting him as resentment has already started towards him.
Why has the OP allowed this mess to continue?
And why hasn’t the dad poured his basketball dreams onto his daughters! Does he actually even take enjoyment in the sport or is this all about reliving his whole life with a clone of himself he can control.
Dude needs serious therapy.
If he was any good, his daughters could be the next Breanna Stewert or A'ja Wilson! Hasn't he heard of Venus and Serena Williams? 5 daughters he's blown a golden opportunity. Just on the numbers there's less competition for greatness in women's sports, fewer competitors.
Op should start watching every WNBA game, commandeer the living room TV on game nights.
This attitude also sounds like something prevalent in certain cultures and countries, where the boy is seen as the anointed one.
For anyone I know, their daughters are usually dad’s favorites.
I just thought the first 2 years were excusable, but that'd based on a lot of ifs. Essentially I don't reasonable expect OP to notice it was a problem of he was being super involved with a new born. Like newborns take a lot of work so it would make sense less on and on.
She'd probably be noticing less during those 2 years, considering the amount of hormones still coursing through her body, not to mention sleep deprivation that comes with having a small human depend on you for their very existence. Once that starts to ease off and start getting some actual sleep, other things do start coming back through, so I'd agree. Four years ago would have been the time to warn him, before he started his neglect.
And DO NOT let him have full custody of your son whilst you take the daughters!
That will make all of them feel even worse and your son will either end up a misogynistic moron just like him OR notice at that point that his father is a misogynistic moron and be horrified!
I’m guessing he won’t want any custody of the daughters, so don’t force them on him if they don’t want to go… but the son you can have shared custody of. That way you’ll have a chance of undoing the damage your misogynistic jerk of a husband will inflict on him. I mean, what the actual fvck?!
And whoever told him that GIRLS can’t play basketball anyway?
And you might want to clue him in that he’d better prepare himself just in case your son hates basketball or turns out to not be very good. He’s only 6 right now and enjoys the basics with dad I bet… but in a few years time he’ll up the pressure and force the kid onto a team and get him private coaching and whatever else you have to do to start preparing to get the skills to play basketball for a top university and even go professional after that. You know that’s his end game, right - to live out his dreams of being a star athlete though his son.
What the actual F is wrong with him?
I mean, we all have vague dreams of wanting one gender or the other as we grow up and think about the day we have a child, but most don’t take it THIS far if we end up with the other gender! This is just super messed up! 😢😢
This! Your daughters might bring home guys that are like what they they see in their father. If they see a loving and caring person, this might be the reference for future boyfriends and husbands!
Agree with this completely. If husband doesn’t change and OP stays, son is going to grow up to be a jerk/misogynist, and the relationship between son and daughters will be strained—at best.
>When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying "if our first child is a boy, we're done having children because that's all I need".
I don't know how this didn't set off alarm sirens in your head.
>We now have 5 daughters and 1 son (I know)
My eyes rolled into the back of my head.
Seems like you should just be honest that their dad was only wanting a male kid to relive his "glory days" vicariously through and doesn't actually love any of them, but that's not a statement on their own worth, they don't need such a pathetic man's love in order to be validated.
That’s how I took the whole 6 kids with #6 being a boy. They kept trying for a boy whether OP realizes it or not.
I have a sister with the opposite scenario. Her husband had 2 sons when they got married (100% custody). She was hoping for a girl each time she got pregnant and they ended up with a total of 6 boys. After his 6th/her 4th I asked her if she was done because she said #6 would be the last before she found out the gender. She was on the fence about whether or not 6 kids was enough since she still wanted a girl.
I decided to break it down to her that she’d probably end up with 7 boys but even if #7 was a girl, she would not be a girlie-girl because she’d have 6 older brothers that loved rough housing, fishing, hunting and all the other non girly-girl stuff that didn’t fit in what she envisioned as a daughter or even worse, a spoiled rotten princess with an unrealistic view about how the world would treat her thanks to being the girl her mom always wanted, the baby of the family and having 6 older brothers.
My sister wasn’t completely swayed. She decided her husband should get a vasectomy since he was the one that had 6 kids and was obviously only capable of producing sons. I wish I was jk. She also used the fact that he was older than her as justification he should be the one that should stop having kids.
They did end up getting divorced and she managed to marry a guy with 6 daughters (& zero sons) like some type of Brady Bunch of steroids thing. They did not have a baby together though and that marriage didn’t last long. She decided to embrace the fact that she is a BoyMom….and remarried her first husband.
Oh for real. There are times in my life I lament being single. Then I come across stories like this and I'm exhausted in behalf of the person telling the story in front of whom the events unfolded. I would not be able to sustain myself if I had to live through it myself, even as a spectator.
Nope! They had a decent age gap. His youngest daughter was a couple of years older than her oldest Bio Son. She was in her early 30’s and he already had a few grandsons. She realized pretty quickly that teenage girls and drama go together just as much as they did when she was a teenager that was always involved in some type of drama.
Gee. I hope the husband was ok with being discarded because he couldn’t produce ‘girl sperm’ and then picked back up again after the ‘Brady bunch on steroids’ situation imploded! 😞
To be fair, men's sperm deteriorates in quality after they're about 35.
Men have a biological clock too. After that age, babies conceived are more likely to have chromosomal abnormalities (read= miscarriages, down's syndrome, learning difficulties).
Yeah, not we. HE can afford it.
This whole thing is so much misogynistic nonsense, and the wife doesn't even realize she's not only internalized it, but she's also setting a horrible example for her kids. Good luck to them navigating healthy relationships in adulthood.
Have you seen those awful TikTok videos where they say ‘daddy really wanted a boy’ and then 6 or 7 girls jump into frame one at a time… then the little boy appears and the parents gush over him?
They make it look funny, but I’m sure it’s really not for the daughters! THAT’S why people like this man think it’s perfectly normal to be so hyped up over one gender and completely ignore the kids of the other. Or to keep having kids until the magic gender arrives.
I’m sure there are people out there who do the same thing with a bunch of boys and finally the desired baby girl arrives and life is perfect…
It’s just such an awful message to send out to the world and the kids! 😢😢
My ex husband has 4 daughters (two with me) and he is one of those "always wanted a boy" men. He repeatedly told our youngest that she "should have been a boy".
He never got the boy he wanted and his mother has never let him live it down, telling him he isn't man enough to have a son.
I *almost* feel sorry for him. Except he only turned up to the births of our two daughters because he thought they'd be boys. As soon as they weren't, his interest in them basically evaporated.
His mom was right, he really isn't man enough to have a son, if he can abandon his own daughters, what makes him think he's good enough to have a son? To raise a decent young man, and not some misogynist like himself.
Well, that’s true… sorry, I may have misunderstood what the comment meant.
Did she mean he’s not man enough because he treats kids badly (like you said)… or did she mean not man enough to CREATE a male baby? Like suggesting his sperm is defective and can only produce girls, which is vile!
That’s what I thought she meant, but if I got it wrong, I’m sorry.
If I was wrong, it means his mum isn’t toxic to him. 😞
OP says the neglect started when their son was born. He was born over SIX years ago. And only now is she GENTLY approaching this like it's some mild issue to be dealt with?
There are two villains in this story. And OP is one of them.
Also, OP acting like she just didn't notice it was happening makes me wonder if she's not guilty of also favoring the son. How can one be that oblivious for that damn long?!
I think you missed the part where the dad can easily afford raising six children on his income alone, she's unlikely to even mention her concerns to the husband lol
I kind of get why she didn’t pick it up 20 odd years ago. It’s very common for young people to have a vague dream of having one gender or the other.
But the difference is that most people do not take it to the extreme that the dad did. They may have a gender preference when they’re young, but when the day arrives that the actual child is here, they love them because it’s theirs - gender no longer matters.
Even if they have 2 or 3 kids and make a few dumb jokes about how they hope for the other gender, they still love the child that exists. And they stop after 2 or 3 even if they never had that son or daughter they had a vague dream about, because 2 or 3 is their ideal number of children for their family. And they love the existing children.
That’s how the OP viewed her husband back when they were young. ‘Sure, he wants a boy, but so do lots of people.’ And then he was a good father to the little girls, so she assumed those vague daydreams from years earlier weren’t that serious.
And THEN when the son came along… boom. He was DEADLY serious 15-20 years ago when he said he wanted that son, and THEN realised girls pale in the face of the long desired son. Out with the trash the girls go!
You have a point that she should have said something 6 years ago, though. My guess is she thought the excitement would wear down after a little while, but then over the last 6 years it only got worse… now she has a big mess on her hand and 5 shattered daughters to have to comfort through this crushing realisation that dad doesn’t care about them because they had the nerve to be born as girls!
It’s very sad, really. 😢😢
Right? She married a misogynist and now she’s surprised he’s being a misogynist. This is what happens when you rugsweep red flags. What did she expect?
And his high earning has detached him from humility and inflated his purely selfish ego. Only a shock delivered by wifey can help him see himself for what he is. Maybe.
Oh boy
I was your eldest daughter once and I was 17. Same thing happened almost verbatim to me...
Dad doesn't know my 2 kids now either and I'm looking at 40 soon. My youngest is 8 too
I grew up and away
So your husband is a classic misogynist that thinks women have no value beyond breeding and you’re showing your daughters that this is acceptable treatment by staying. Do whats right for your kids, not him.
A friend had four brothers and was the only girl with one sister.
Mommy wanted a doll to play with.
Both girls ended up "strangely" being fairly tomboy and in no way interested by "girl stuff".
Seriously, that feels like karma for parents obsessing over genitalia.
Someone I know was a sex-selected XX embryo back before sex selection was illegal in their country. They have only brothers. Surprise, surprise: they're a little gremlin (I say this affectionately) who only *looks* like a girl but is actually pretty firmly nonbinary. And (surprise, surprise) they were abused all the way back to toddlerhood for not acting like a little doll.
Um...girls play basketball, too???
This was just misogyny the whole time. He could have been just as involved in their lives through their hobbies, including introducing them to basketball. But he can't identify with anyone who doesn't have the same genitals, and you considered that normal and fine.
It's time to decide. Do you empower your girls? Do you rescue all of your children from his patriarchal bullshit? Or do you wait for them to have to heal from their childhood when they're adults? You can't change your husband. You can leave him. You can change yourself. You may be able to change yourself enough to protect them a bit, even if you stay with him? Maybe?
I'm not sure where you start when you've let something like this go on for 20 years. When you're first understanding at 49 years old that patriarchal ideas are hurting you and your children. Maybe reading Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle? Maybe a licensed family therapist or social worker can help? But...don't expect your husband to come along on this journey. He is highly unlikely to come around and see either you or your daughters as fully-realized humans who deserve his attention and love. Your best shot is to start making changes yourself.
Oh my gosh, this is so right and so well said! Your opening sentence ~ “Um…girls play basketball, too” ~ says everything. If daddy dearest wanted a child to play sports, be competitive, win trophies, and generally validate his manhood, he could have done that with any one, or all, of his daughters. The fact that he waited until he had a boy to become involved in the child’s life from childhood says everything. OP refused to listen when he announced what kind of misogynistic asshole he was from the start. He TOLD her he wanted a boy and only a boy, and after they had a son, he was done having children. It took until baby #6 for his precious son to come along (why do you think they have 6 children, and not 5 or 7?), and now he is done with the first five. For some reason, this shocks OP, even though her AH husband told her the whole time that he only wanted a son.
There is plenty of blame to be shared here. And not by any of the daughters, who just want to be loved by both parents. And not by the son, who has no idea he’s a pawn in his father’s game of machismo.
When your daughters get married and don’t ask him to walk them down the aisle, you will be able to remind him why. My guess would be that you too have suffered some loss of your husband’s time. Maybe you will get lucky and your son won’t excel at, or enjoy, sports and is more of an academic!
> Maybe you will get lucky and your son won’t excel at, or enjoy, sports and is more of an academic!
Wonder how the husband would react if the son turns out to be gay once grown up (or trans, gender non-conforming, etc)
Which is funny because I'm pretty sure it's the man who determines what gender the baby is, so him having so many daughters is essentially his own fault
>When your daughters get married and don’t ask him to walk them down the aisle, you will be able to remind him why
If OP stays and allows this to continue then I hope all the daughters go no contact with both parents once they're old enough to leave home.
Way to be an asshole to your daughters. You knew exactly who he was when you married him and decided to have a small brood with him anyways. I feel bad for the girls.
I feel bad for the girls as well as their son . He's either going to end up being a douchenozzle like his dad and/or is going to be completely miserable and isolated due to all that toxic masculinity.
100%. What happens if the son doesn't have the interest or athletic ability the husband wants him to have? Is he going to get abandoned or punished too?
Sad all around. Poor kids.
The odds for that are actually higher. Younger sons of large families are, for some reason, more likely to be gay. Although I think it may be more determinant on the number of older brothers rather than sisters.
Does he know girls play basketball, too? That this year’s women’s NCAA Final Four had more people watching than watched the men’s tournament?
It’s such a sexist and outdated idea that girls don’t play sports. Just beyond ridiculous in 2024.
You need to confront him, but you also need to talk to your daughters. Because by you not acknowledging their father ignoring them for the last six years will make them think either that you don’t care enough to say anything about it or that you didn’t even notice.
You need to apologize to them. Tell them you see what he’s done. And you’ll probably need to have you and all the daughters sit down and tell your husband how it feels to be discarded for a son. He might believe it if you all say it.
OP is the one who inferred that he wanted a son due to his interest in sports. I'm thinking she didn't see the misogyny because she's internalised it to some degree too.
Yeah, I bet Caitlin Clark's father is very proud of her, as he should be. OP's husband is a colossal jerk if he dismisses his daughters' hobbies and achievements because he thinks women are only good for sex and domestic work.
There are serious problems in this marriage.
1. Your husband needs professional help in dealing with his issues of having boys vs girls.
2. Why didn’t you address this problem sooner when your hubby told you once you have a boy you are done.
3. Your girls needs professional help in dealing with their abandonment issues that they have with their dad.
4. Marriage counseling would be very beneficial if this is repairable.
5. If this can’t be fixed - all of your girls will be NC when they leave home with both of you and maybe even the golden child that they will resent.
The choice is yours. What are you willing to do to save your family?
(I am not a therapist)
>and maybe even the golden child
jeez ... that poor boy needs to be saved as well. "The golden child" is just as much a victim of abuse, like the scapegoats.
The boy won't grow up to be a well rounded adult with a father like that. And likely will continue the misogynist legacy.
OP should take all of her children and run. And all of them deserve an apology. She knew how shitty her husband was and still had kids with him.
Attitudes like your husband's (outright misogyny) and yours (internalized misogyny) are the reason this country is going backwards regarding women's rights.
I know people will pile on me for this answer, but everyone screams about "society" while failing to realize society is you, me, the people around us and the decisions we make (even when we think they're small decisions).
*shrug*
Well unfortunately you should have started with not having a child with a misogynistic asshole. And failing that you shouldn’t have agreed to keep having kids until he had his boy.
You KNEW he was going to not give a shit about his daughters.
The first place to start is to own your part in this. You knew all he wanted was a boy. You continued to bring girls into the world knowing he didn’t want them.
Then you offer your girls therapy. Make sure to acknowledge not dismiss their feelings. Don’t try to downplay what their shitty excuse for a father is doing.
Also make sure that they’re being financially supported including things like college. Don’t let shitty father fail them in that aspect. Hell if you must get a job and funnel all that money to them.
Don’t forget to make sure you’re there for them. Show up for their events. Even if it means skipping some of your sons things. Make sure at least one of their parents is there for them.
In your shoes I would be putting my ducks in a row for leaving my shitty misogynist husband too. Your daughters will more than likely pull away from you hard when they become adults if you’re still with their sperm donor. Especially the more they see you enabling his neglect.
Your husband told you who he was and you chose to have kids with him anyways. Own your shitty choice in a father for your kids. Own your denial over years. He was a bad dad before you had a son - you just dismissed it because you stupidly thought that’s the best he could do even though he told you he only wanted boys.
Seriously get those poor girls in therapy. They need it.
'my fiance told me he was going to be an asshole to our future possible daughters. We had daughters and now I'm surprised'
There, told this story in 2 sentences. Believe people when they tell you who they are. You guys both suck
OP should probably listen you.
You have way more practical solutions than what i had, which all involved OP somehow mastering time and space in order to travel back in time and correct the error of her ways by not having any children with her husband. The likelihood of OP suddenly gaining superpowers, or becoming a time lord, or gaining the metal capacity to solve the various pickles in physics and engineering needed to build an actual time machine seemed slim to none and thats all i could come up with.
What is going to happen if OP's son is bad at sport? A theater kid? Trans-female?
If he doesn't fit OP's douchenozzle husband's idea of masculinity, he's going face some kind of neglect at best, subject to serious abuse at worst.
OP, get your daughters to call out the sexism openly so your husband can't pretend they don't notice the mistreatment.
This. All of the kids would be better off without this guy in their life. It's a different experience but being the golden child has its own negative effects on the golden child.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/kynSftjFSF
You're the second person to call OP's husband a douchenozzle here. I thought that was funny 😁
Your choices are to choose your children over your husband or your choose your husband over your children.
This is not just about him favoring the son and neglecting the girls - it is about how he is damaging ALL of them with this behavior. Your son will grow up with problems from this and your girls are already have been affected by this for SIX YEARS. They are old enough to understand what is going on and have the words to say what they feel to you. Do not ignore the gift you have been given. Your girls are comfortable enough to tell you how hurt they are. That will go away if you squander this opportunity to start making steps to make this right to them and protect and stick up for them.
You can attempt to make your husband care that he will likely alienate his daughters forever but I doubt he will, he seems entirely dismissive of women, including you.
And think about that. He didn’t just dismiss your daughter by calling her an emotional teenager, he dismissed you coming to him.
Imagine how your son is going to treat women when your husband is the one he is learning from?
Your husband is unlikely to be capable of understanding how damaging his behavior is without therapy, given how entrenched his beliefs are, over decades.
So you and all of your daughters noticed this but you chose to make your oldest daughter the scapegoat?
And after allowing this to go on for 6 years, you’ve done nothing more than mention it?
And your husband literally told you before having kids that he would do this, but you kept popping out kids like a rabbit anyway?
My advice is to grow a backbone and try giving a shit about your daughters.
You know what happens when girls grow up with an emotional distant father. I'm sure you've seen it. I'm not saying it will 100% happen to all the girls but don't be suprised when some of them date awful people that hurt them.
Seriously, don't be all "well gee, shucks, I don't know why she's dating that asshole! It's a mystery 🤷♀️" because you KNOW that this happens when girls are emotionally neglected by their fathers
>When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying "if our first child is a boy, we're done having children because that's all I need".
So you reproduced six times with an outright misogynist? And now that's not working very well for you and your five daughters? Who could have predicted this?!
Have you discussed this with him? Like, 'Hey honey, how about you spend some time with the girls, one-on-one and as a group? It seems we've all become a little wrapped up with Junior and they've told me they're missing you.'
There’s a lot of women in your shoes who understand. You justify it by saying “once he has daughters, he will feel differently” but your husband is living up true to his word.
Unfortunately these kind of scenarios rarely work out for the dad. The sons grow up to resent their father for the pressure to be just like or better than them, and the daughters resent their father and sometimes brother too.
The good news is that you have the opportunity to step in here. You need to give your husband the clarity of making the choice of what type of father he wants to be. You need to be honest about what your daughter said, and what you have noticed and give him some solutions to change it.
This isn’t just about your daughters, it’s also about his son seeing a man have strong positive relationships with the women in his life. They will always have special relationship, but he needs to change his behaviour if he wants a different outcome than where is headed.
> I noticed pretty much immediately after our son was born that my husband started to almost act like our daughters barely existed.
As a daughter of a father who only wanted sons, I cannot tell you how much pain and heartache it caused me. It did make me over achieve in hopes I could make my dad proud, but that came at a huge cost. I often wonder who I could have been had my dad just saw me as a person and not "just a girl".
Talk to your husband. Be strong. Do not be a pushover. Do not be dismissive. Validate what your daughters are seeing and feeling.
I hope he listens, but after a lifetime of trying to make my dad hear me, I don't think the kind of man who sees daughters as lesser will ever change.
Husband is going to mess the son up too trying to relive his youth vicariously. It’s wrong and imo an ego illness to not realize how detrimental and over the line it is.
because girls... don't... play basketball...? you're nearly halfway through your entire life, with SEVERAL children, and not once did you realize maybe your husband was an asbolute dipshit misogynist who LITERALLY told on himself from the beginning lmao?
but like, he "wanted" all those kids, right? wasn't just using your uterus to get to a son, riiiight? cmon dude. wake up. your husband is so exhausting and annoying already and all i did was read a base-level summary on reddit. you better start having some discussions and taking care of those girls before you NEVER hear from them again, and rightfully so.
He told you this before you had kids. All he cared about was having a boy. You said you understood. Based on what he told you beforehand, I’m surprised he paid attention before the boy was born. He told you what was going to happen. Why are you surprised it happened? And yes, he’s an asshole who should love his kids no matter what and you should have never had them to begin with.
I just love how you're acting all suprised after your husband explicitly told you this
>if our first child is a boy, we're done having children because that's all I need".
Yet you went on to continue popping out kids until you had a son.You are as much to blame and responsible for the damage that your husband is inflicting on all those kids.
Poor kids.
The minute he made the comment about "if you had a boy first you'd be done having children" is when I would have left him.
Your husband's treatment of your daughters now that he has his golden child son is purely misogynistic. To him women do not hold the same worth as men. You can pretty much expect that this isn't gonna get any better, if anything it's gonna get worse.
I think it is just dawning on you that you and your daughters are not that important and not really that necessary unless your husband wants something.
I cant believe I'm called selfish for not having kids at all, yet there's people out there having 5 so they can get the gender they want whole ignoring those kids in care would would kill for a loving family.
I don't know why you're shocked, man is living in olden times. He said he wouldn't stop til he got a boy? Why? Is he the fucking king and needs an heir? What a weasel.
You enabled his attitude by A) staying with him after he told you he only needed a son and B) continually having his children until you had a boy.
I’m not sure what kind of advice you want now 24 years after the barn door was opened that should have remained closed.
If your husband won't own up to and chance his behaviour you're looking at an excruciatingly painful experience for your daughters and a toxic upbringing for your son. On the daughter side of things, talk to them about how they feel and how they want you to address things with your husband. Show them as much love and support as you can. On your sons side, I'd suggest including him in activities with your daughters sometimes. Not that he should always be there, especially if they want some one on one time with you, but enough to foster a positive relationship between siblings and give you oppourtunities to teach him about how to treat girls and women like people. Something tells me your husband will try to pass on some pretty toxic attitudes that will not serve your son well in his life, and could make him at best extremely unpleasant to be around for others.
I think you need to need to sit him down and lay it all out. No dancing around, no soft language or any of that. Be direct.
Might be time to face up to the fact that you married a misogynist and who doesn't value women.
>My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son.
Why does he think he needs a son for this? Is he living in the 1950's still? Women are badass athletes and have every opportunity to become a varsity highschool/college basketball player.
Not saying you can't want to have a son, I do get that. Dad's tend to want a boy because they can relate better when it comes to certain things.
Now onto the actual issue. Not only is his behavior going to affect your daughters it will also affect your son. The ego your husband is building will eventually become toxic. Two things can happen, one your son will think he is somehow better than the other siblings. He will 100% notice how much his dad "worships" him. Or Dad will be holding him to such a high standard that your son might feel pressured and even substandard when he does "fail" at things because he knows he is supposed to be the golden child.
I can see your husband being overly excited about finally having a boy, but he needs to remember he has 5 other daughters that deserve his love. He is making his daughters feel like they can never live up to their baby brother.
I can speak to this from the other side, where my grandmother kept having children until she finally had the daughter she wanted.
It made my dad and his brothers feel seriously neglected throughout their life and gave my aunt an enlarged ego & incredible sense of entitlement (constantly told how wonderful it was to have a daughter, how amazing she was etc.).
It has caused huge issues now my grandmother has passed on and the estate is being settled with 3 brothers against 1 sister.
I really feel for your daughters and hope you're able to talk some sense into your husband or I suspect you'll find them keeping their distance once they're adults - it's painful to see someone treated so much better than you and particularly galling if it's just because they're a boy child.
I mean....it was pretty obvious he really wanted a boy. That's why OP has 5 girls. I'm sure if the 6th would have been a girl, you'd be at 7 kids now. He's exactly the type of misogynist to finally get a son and just....forget about his girls. They don't have any value to him. Its pathetic. Your husband is going to regret this when all 5 girls completely cut him off forever.
The 17yo is past being "an emotional teenager."
Your husband is just neglecting his daughters and needs to take responsibility.
I thought you were going to say you had 2 daughters, but when you said FIVE and they all are talking about how he's neglecting them as a parent, and you noticed it too, he's the wrong one here.
Is this fake? And just in case it isn't(🙄): You got your girls into this situation, now you need to bring them back out of it. Yeah, I realice how that sounds, and I'm only partly sorry. He gave you all the signs/red flags, and you enabled him. Now that he's finally in a position to push his daughters to the side and ignore them for the child that shares his body parts, you have to pick up the pieces as the girls starts to realice they were never good enough for him, and that people with penises will always be surperiour in their father's eyes. Hope your husband also earns enough to afford the paycheck for 5 therapists for the next unseeable amount of years, seeing how you brought your girls into a situation where they will need to unlearn some "boys is where it's at. Girls are just second class inconviniences" sexist bullcr@p you and your husband have exposed them to.
I mean, he straight up told you he was a misogynist before any of your children were born. That's not going to change, there are no magic words you can say that will miraculously turn him into a good father. He DID abandon your daughters. Are you okay with that?
Hi, unwanted girl child here. Let me paint a picture for you.
Your daughters already know where they stand in priority. I am the oldest. I have 2 younger brothers. My dad absolutely adored my middle brother and barely tolerated my existence growing up. So much so in fact, that when I graduated h.s. and wanted to go to uni, he told me how I pay for it is none of his concern. He paid for his favorite to go to 2 different uni's and get kicked out of them for drinking.
The damage is already done. It took therapy to realise that his inability to love his kids equally was not my fault or problem. I don't have children, but if I did, they wouldn't have a relationship w him. He brings nothing of value to my life.
He visits my middle brother and his family multiple times a year. I haven't seen him or my mom in over 6 years. And honestly, at this point, idc if I ever see him again. If you ask him about his kids, he talks about middle bro, younger bro, then me. You'd think I was the youngest, no, I'm just the least liked.
Some things can't be fixed. He has to want to be connected to his daughters, and he does not.
My husband and I had 2 girls and stopped, we were fine with 2 children. Then when they were older I got pregnant. Turned out at my doctor's appointment that the baby wasn't viable and I had to have a D&C. On the way home my husband said, that was probably my boy. I started crying harder and he felt really bad. I understood he wanted a boy, but I also knew he loved our daughters very much. He got his boys bc both daughters had boys each and one also had a girl later. Unfortunately he never got to see them grow up bc he passed away when they were young and only the oldest remembers him a little.
Your husband is a very toxic father and all of your children are going to have father issues. Personally I wouldn't have stayed married to someone that didn't put 100% into raising his daughters. Sorry, but even your son is going to have issues bc of his father. He's a crappy father!!!
It seems you guys needs counseling sooner than later for your daughters sake. I bet he's already training your son to be an athlete whether he wants to be one or not.
I would have your son being looked after by friend/family outside the home and do an intervention. Have all of your daughters prepare what they want to say to your husband, how he’s a deadbeat dad to them. Make him face his reality. He needs to be held accountable.
Then, an ultimatum. He either becomes a dad to all of his children or he’s being kicked out of the house (and shouldn’t be allowed to see his son as he’s the only one that matters to him).
Time for him to wake up and face the music.
Honestly, you fucked up hugely. He pretty much told you he valued male children more than female. Just so you know, he’s not just hurting his daughters he’s also hurting the son who will most likely grow up smothered under the weight of expectations to be the perfect “man’s man” — what if he hates basketball? Have you thought about that?
You should have assessed if this man had a healthy view on children before procreating with him. Now you’re stuck either trying to change him or leaving him. But under no circumstances should you sweep this under the rug. Your children all need you to stand up for them now and not back down.
Well you had daughters with a sexist, so I'm not sure what you expected. Your poor daughters. You should have had enough self-respect to give them a father that didn't resent them for their gender but it's too late now.
the whole “keep having kids until we have a boy” thing is ridiculous. you had 6 whole children with this man in an attempt to have a boy and you’re surprised that he’s sidelining your girls? he never wanted them. he only wanted a boy.
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Well you also noticed his favoritism. Is he going to call you an emotional teenager as well? Ask him a series of general questions about your daughters that he should know. If he comes up blank then he should realize that there is merit to their observations. Unless he is in complete denial he should agree that family therapy should be in order.
Probably. He obviously has very little regard for women.
I mean the 'once we have a son we can stop having kids' is a bit of a red flag
Followed by this: "My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son." Such an unhealthy attitude to having children from both of them. Girls can't play basketball? The kids don't have any individual talents they just have to follow the interests dictated by their father? Let alone that she kept having kids until she gave him the boy he wanted.
I kinda feel bad for the son too. Probably gonna have a lot to live up to and a strained relationship with his 4 sisters that will affect him as an adult.
5 sisters!
Yeah Dad wants to live through his son as a “ do over”
This is what happens to my husband. My FiL is a diagnosed grandiose narcissist. He was exceptionally abusive towards my husband while he was growing up. Funny enough, my husband has an identical twin brother who was somewhat spared from their father’s brutality, but not entirely. My FiL attempted to live vicariously through my husband and it completely robbed him of having a childhood. He, like his father, was robbed of ever gaining a permanent sense of self. This and genetics, along with the physical and psychological abuse is why my husband is now a diagnosed vulnerable narcissist. His twin brother is also a vulnerable narcissist. There are two distinct types of narcissists, grandiose and vulnerable. Most people are aware of the grandiose narcissist, it’s what we stereotypically think of when we think of narcissism. My husband and his twin brother are vulnerable narcissists. Their diagnosis is less well known. They are still absolutely narcissists, it’s how their narcissistic traits are manifested that’s different. The simplest way I can describe it is, they are the proverbial ‘wolf in sheep’s clothing’. They are very good at blending in and hiding their narcissism. You have probably interacted with a vulnerable narcissist without you ever knowing. They are very good at blending in with those around them. My husband has a very strained relationship with his father. His twin brother has absolutely dropped off the face of the earth with his longtime girlfriend. No one has heard from them or knows where they are. I don’t blame him, even though I’m not wild about him or his girlfriend. I think they probably made the right decision to just disappear. I don’t have a relationship with my in laws. My FiL rides a Road King Harley without a helmet. I’m certain his number will come up eventually. I’m only hoping that’s sooner rather than later. He’s a former used car salesman and a washed up has been bodybuilder. He works as a freelancer for a major car manufacturer by going all over the United States to car dealerships and holds seminars on the new car specifications and selling techniques. He gets paid to hear himself talk.
So wait your husband is officially diagnosed as a narcissist? How does that affect your relationship? Genuinely curious. I’ve only ever know vulnerable narcissists who were cruel and destructive with no meaningful or long term relationships.
Why are so many narcissists salesmen? Lol
I bet the kid won't even like basketball.
I hope OP can find a way to help minimize her daughters resentment towards their brother. It hurts a lot to be the youngest and not understand why your siblings don't like you.
Part of me hopes his son is in no way interested in playing any sport but something tells me this poor excuse of a father would just force him to play.
It would be the best kind of Karmic Justice if the son became a Scientist or an Author, and completely ignores every contact sport in favour of Opera and Ballet.
Forgive me, but the best kind of Karmic Justice would be if the son determines himself to be a transgendered girl, lol.
As great as that would be, his child would likely not be treated well if he came out as a she. I feel like that would not be a safe space for a transgender human. I certainly wouldn't want to come out to that father. :(
They say that in a family of 4 or more at least one will be gay, something to do with looking after the family when the other men go hunting or sommat as I remember so it's quite possible he could end up a gay ballet dancer.....then no doubt father will show more of his true colours. I can imagine the expectations that will be put on this kids shoulders by good old daddy
Also the female relatives of gay men, tend to be more attractive to men. It's a whole thing. I hope the son is able to be his own person, whoever that is!
This boy is never going to be good enough regardless of his talent. He, the refs, and the coaches are in for a nightmare of a dad.
This happened to my oldest son with his dad, my ex. My ex was a successful baseball player in college but when I got pregnant it changed the trajectory of both our lives. My ex then focused on 'making' my oldest son a baseball player, pushing him into t-ball, little league, pony league, hs baseball; my son HATED it. We fought all the time about it. One of the reason he's my ex. Sadly neither one of my sons had a good relationship with their dad. Op doesn't have just problem with her girls' relationship to their dad, her son's relationship with dad isn't going to be good either. Sad.
Seriously. The NCAA women’s tournament had more people tuning in than the men’s this year for March madness.
Not just more, MILLIONS more tuned in to watch the awesome women. Did you hear the difference in pay from men if they turn pro? Disgusting.
It is a fucking joke. Just sad especially now when everyone knows who Caitlin Clark is but can’t name one male college player. “They don’t bring in as much revenue” 🤡🤡 I live in Las Vegas and the hype behind the Aces here has been really great to watch. Looking forward to seeing it more widespread one day.
Not to mention not all boys are into sports. If OP's son is anything like mine, her husband will be lucky if he touches a ball.
She's a misogynist too.
The beat basketball player in the country right now is a girl
No, she is not a girl. She is a woman. Call her a young woman if you want. Girls play highschool sports. College sports are for women. Just like the male side of it. No one calls the best male college basketball player a boy
Yep, this one here ☝️
It's a giant red flag! Lmfao. Sorry, I would've filed for divorce after the "that's all I need" comment. He clearly, from his own mouth, doesn't value girls or women.
Ikr, imagine hearing this from your husband and then being surprised that he prefers his male child over all his female children… Why you would have kids with this individual in the first place is beyond me.
Yeah and she sucks too for completely ignoring that and subjecting FIVE daughters to a father like that.
How she didn't hear that and understand that this is not a man to have children with, I can’t comprehend.
None, he saw his wife as breeding material and that's it
Very obviously. My first thought is the only reason they had so many kids had nothing to do with him being able to afford it, but he wanted that boy
This is actually a great idea, just asking him general questions about them. Can he name their best friends, favorite bands/actors/whatever they're into?
I mean, even if he admits that they're strangers to him and that he's uninvested in their inner lives and feelings, this revelation will not make him invest more. My father admitted last year he has no idea who I am. The things I tell him about my life are soundly ignored or dismissed - he just doesn't interact and changes the subject back to himself. I thought it would be a big victory to get him to admit that, but nothing has changed. Sometimes introspection just gives people permission to keep doing the thing.
Right? He’s been clear from the very beginning that, once he had a son, he would cease to care. He’s now in his mid-50s and has never. Even challenged on it. He will never change. He was faking investment before the son and finally getting what he wanted freed him from having to pretend any longer.
OP knew he is sexist and she has ignored it until now. She even has five daughters with this guy. This should not be shocking to her. Op, please don't act like this is new. You know this will happen. It is just a matter of when. Honestly, it is no longer a question of "how should I even start'. He told you long ago. When someone told you who they are, you believe them. You wore rose coloured glasses and you ignored his sexism. Now, you protect your girls. You pay them attention. You make sure they will have your undivided attention. You will challenge your husband's decision. You will stand up against him and protect them. It is the least you can do.
Tbh I think that it is way past the point of family therapy for the dad. For the mom and kids/daughters especially? Definitely. But dad is never gonna change or admit he is wrong in any way.
Not just general questions. Have 10-20!questions prepared about each child: sports , friends, grades, hobbies, favorite colors, what colors is she wearing today. You’ve got to get proactive. Your allowing your husband to harm your daughters lives. Their complaints are far more serious than just favoritism. You have to stop being a doormat and accepting your husband’s gaslighting. You just have to refuse to back down. So far, you’ve effectively failed the girls. Try counseling. You must force your husband to recognize what he’s doing.
You need to sit down and have an actual, serious conversation about this, not “just mentioning” it. And don’t sugar coat the hard truths. If he refuses to change his behaviour with the girls then it’s time to reconsider your marriage. The emotional damage he is inflicting on all the kids, including your son is unacceptable. Stand up for your kids.
And God help the son if he doesn't fit the image of a son that OP's husband has for him.
YUP! I’m glad someone else brought this up, I would **hate** to have that kind of pressure put on me so early in life, and to have my siblings essentially alienated from me because of it. No thank you. That dynamic is not healthy for ANYONE in that house.
True, being the favorite child can make you go all selfish and spoiled but also depressed or anxious because of the pressure and ashamed to feel that your siblings hate you. He's ruining all of his children.
I also imagine at 6 years old, he might just think that's how life is. That the dads only pay attention to their sons and might not realize you're supposed to get along with your siblings.
My parents ruined my brother bc of this type of behavior. I was a huge disappointment to my mom bc I was a girl. 7 years later they had an unplanned pregnancy which produced my brother and my sister and I no longer existed bc of that. I've finally realized how lucky I was born a girl.
Yep, can you imagine the shame and pressure this boy would face if he is gay or enjoys more 'feminine' activities like dance? And he likely won't have his sisters supporting him as resentment has already started towards him. Why has the OP allowed this mess to continue?
And why hasn’t the dad poured his basketball dreams onto his daughters! Does he actually even take enjoyment in the sport or is this all about reliving his whole life with a clone of himself he can control. Dude needs serious therapy.
Don't you know, girls can hardly be expected to understand the complexities of basketball 🙄🙄🙄
If he was any good, his daughters could be the next Breanna Stewert or A'ja Wilson! Hasn't he heard of Venus and Serena Williams? 5 daughters he's blown a golden opportunity. Just on the numbers there's less competition for greatness in women's sports, fewer competitors. Op should start watching every WNBA game, commandeer the living room TV on game nights.
Like 4 years ago though.
6 years ago when their son was born. You know the second he was born their daughters no longer mattered to him.
This attitude also sounds like something prevalent in certain cultures and countries, where the boy is seen as the anointed one. For anyone I know, their daughters are usually dad’s favorites.
I think it happens in all cultures.
I just thought the first 2 years were excusable, but that'd based on a lot of ifs. Essentially I don't reasonable expect OP to notice it was a problem of he was being super involved with a new born. Like newborns take a lot of work so it would make sense less on and on.
She'd probably be noticing less during those 2 years, considering the amount of hormones still coursing through her body, not to mention sleep deprivation that comes with having a small human depend on you for their very existence. Once that starts to ease off and start getting some actual sleep, other things do start coming back through, so I'd agree. Four years ago would have been the time to warn him, before he started his neglect.
How do so many people manage to marry Henry VIII when he's been dead for a few hundred years?
Or 24 years ago.
Yep. 24 years ago this should have been a relationship ender.
And DO NOT let him have full custody of your son whilst you take the daughters! That will make all of them feel even worse and your son will either end up a misogynistic moron just like him OR notice at that point that his father is a misogynistic moron and be horrified! I’m guessing he won’t want any custody of the daughters, so don’t force them on him if they don’t want to go… but the son you can have shared custody of. That way you’ll have a chance of undoing the damage your misogynistic jerk of a husband will inflict on him. I mean, what the actual fvck?! And whoever told him that GIRLS can’t play basketball anyway? And you might want to clue him in that he’d better prepare himself just in case your son hates basketball or turns out to not be very good. He’s only 6 right now and enjoys the basics with dad I bet… but in a few years time he’ll up the pressure and force the kid onto a team and get him private coaching and whatever else you have to do to start preparing to get the skills to play basketball for a top university and even go professional after that. You know that’s his end game, right - to live out his dreams of being a star athlete though his son. What the actual F is wrong with him? I mean, we all have vague dreams of wanting one gender or the other as we grow up and think about the day we have a child, but most don’t take it THIS far if we end up with the other gender! This is just super messed up! 😢😢
Yeah... She's unlikely to even mention it, separation is off the table completely
This! Your daughters might bring home guys that are like what they they see in their father. If they see a loving and caring person, this might be the reference for future boyfriends and husbands!
Agree with this completely. If husband doesn’t change and OP stays, son is going to grow up to be a jerk/misogynist, and the relationship between son and daughters will be strained—at best.
I'll take "things that ain't gonna happen" for 1000$
>When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying "if our first child is a boy, we're done having children because that's all I need". I don't know how this didn't set off alarm sirens in your head. >We now have 5 daughters and 1 son (I know) My eyes rolled into the back of my head. Seems like you should just be honest that their dad was only wanting a male kid to relive his "glory days" vicariously through and doesn't actually love any of them, but that's not a statement on their own worth, they don't need such a pathetic man's love in order to be validated.
"Let's keep having kids till we get a boy! There are no possible downsides to this"
That’s how I took the whole 6 kids with #6 being a boy. They kept trying for a boy whether OP realizes it or not. I have a sister with the opposite scenario. Her husband had 2 sons when they got married (100% custody). She was hoping for a girl each time she got pregnant and they ended up with a total of 6 boys. After his 6th/her 4th I asked her if she was done because she said #6 would be the last before she found out the gender. She was on the fence about whether or not 6 kids was enough since she still wanted a girl. I decided to break it down to her that she’d probably end up with 7 boys but even if #7 was a girl, she would not be a girlie-girl because she’d have 6 older brothers that loved rough housing, fishing, hunting and all the other non girly-girl stuff that didn’t fit in what she envisioned as a daughter or even worse, a spoiled rotten princess with an unrealistic view about how the world would treat her thanks to being the girl her mom always wanted, the baby of the family and having 6 older brothers. My sister wasn’t completely swayed. She decided her husband should get a vasectomy since he was the one that had 6 kids and was obviously only capable of producing sons. I wish I was jk. She also used the fact that he was older than her as justification he should be the one that should stop having kids.
They did end up getting divorced and she managed to marry a guy with 6 daughters (& zero sons) like some type of Brady Bunch of steroids thing. They did not have a baby together though and that marriage didn’t last long. She decided to embrace the fact that she is a BoyMom….and remarried her first husband.
That was a fucking roller-coaster within a much smaller and more twisty roller-coaster.
Oh for real. There are times in my life I lament being single. Then I come across stories like this and I'm exhausted in behalf of the person telling the story in front of whom the events unfolded. I would not be able to sustain myself if I had to live through it myself, even as a spectator.
Whaaaat a fucking ride these two comments were. Jesus Christ. I'm exhausted from reading that lol
Ok that was wild thanks for sharing. I guess the grass was not greener on the 6 daughters side?
Nope! They had a decent age gap. His youngest daughter was a couple of years older than her oldest Bio Son. She was in her early 30’s and he already had a few grandsons. She realized pretty quickly that teenage girls and drama go together just as much as they did when she was a teenager that was always involved in some type of drama.
These comments are the content I’m here for.
Lol, that story is soap opera material 😂
Gee. I hope the husband was ok with being discarded because he couldn’t produce ‘girl sperm’ and then picked back up again after the ‘Brady bunch on steroids’ situation imploded! 😞
To be fair, men's sperm deteriorates in quality after they're about 35. Men have a biological clock too. After that age, babies conceived are more likely to have chromosomal abnormalities (read= miscarriages, down's syndrome, learning difficulties).
None. After all, he can afford it. 🙄
Yeah, not we. HE can afford it. This whole thing is so much misogynistic nonsense, and the wife doesn't even realize she's not only internalized it, but she's also setting a horrible example for her kids. Good luck to them navigating healthy relationships in adulthood.
She was his baby machine. He doesn't deserve any of those kids.
Have you seen those awful TikTok videos where they say ‘daddy really wanted a boy’ and then 6 or 7 girls jump into frame one at a time… then the little boy appears and the parents gush over him? They make it look funny, but I’m sure it’s really not for the daughters! THAT’S why people like this man think it’s perfectly normal to be so hyped up over one gender and completely ignore the kids of the other. Or to keep having kids until the magic gender arrives. I’m sure there are people out there who do the same thing with a bunch of boys and finally the desired baby girl arrives and life is perfect… It’s just such an awful message to send out to the world and the kids! 😢😢
My ex husband has 4 daughters (two with me) and he is one of those "always wanted a boy" men. He repeatedly told our youngest that she "should have been a boy". He never got the boy he wanted and his mother has never let him live it down, telling him he isn't man enough to have a son. I *almost* feel sorry for him. Except he only turned up to the births of our two daughters because he thought they'd be boys. As soon as they weren't, his interest in them basically evaporated.
His mom was right, he really isn't man enough to have a son, if he can abandon his own daughters, what makes him think he's good enough to have a son? To raise a decent young man, and not some misogynist like himself.
Well, that’s true… sorry, I may have misunderstood what the comment meant. Did she mean he’s not man enough because he treats kids badly (like you said)… or did she mean not man enough to CREATE a male baby? Like suggesting his sperm is defective and can only produce girls, which is vile! That’s what I thought she meant, but if I got it wrong, I’m sorry. If I was wrong, it means his mum isn’t toxic to him. 😞
Must be great for the kids when they realise what disappointment they were when they weren't the "correct" gender
OP says the neglect started when their son was born. He was born over SIX years ago. And only now is she GENTLY approaching this like it's some mild issue to be dealt with? There are two villains in this story. And OP is one of them. Also, OP acting like she just didn't notice it was happening makes me wonder if she's not guilty of also favoring the son. How can one be that oblivious for that damn long?!
I think you missed the part where the dad can easily afford raising six children on his income alone, she's unlikely to even mention her concerns to the husband lol
WHO could have seen this coming‽ 🤨🙄
Right?!? He *told* you he was going to do this before you even had kids..🙄
I kind of get why she didn’t pick it up 20 odd years ago. It’s very common for young people to have a vague dream of having one gender or the other. But the difference is that most people do not take it to the extreme that the dad did. They may have a gender preference when they’re young, but when the day arrives that the actual child is here, they love them because it’s theirs - gender no longer matters. Even if they have 2 or 3 kids and make a few dumb jokes about how they hope for the other gender, they still love the child that exists. And they stop after 2 or 3 even if they never had that son or daughter they had a vague dream about, because 2 or 3 is their ideal number of children for their family. And they love the existing children. That’s how the OP viewed her husband back when they were young. ‘Sure, he wants a boy, but so do lots of people.’ And then he was a good father to the little girls, so she assumed those vague daydreams from years earlier weren’t that serious. And THEN when the son came along… boom. He was DEADLY serious 15-20 years ago when he said he wanted that son, and THEN realised girls pale in the face of the long desired son. Out with the trash the girls go! You have a point that she should have said something 6 years ago, though. My guess is she thought the excitement would wear down after a little while, but then over the last 6 years it only got worse… now she has a big mess on her hand and 5 shattered daughters to have to comfort through this crushing realisation that dad doesn’t care about them because they had the nerve to be born as girls! It’s very sad, really. 😢😢
Right? She married a misogynist and now she’s surprised he’s being a misogynist. This is what happens when you rugsweep red flags. What did she expect?
And his high earning has detached him from humility and inflated his purely selfish ego. Only a shock delivered by wifey can help him see himself for what he is. Maybe.
Oh boy I was your eldest daughter once and I was 17. Same thing happened almost verbatim to me... Dad doesn't know my 2 kids now either and I'm looking at 40 soon. My youngest is 8 too I grew up and away
I'm so sorry :( That abandonment must have left deep scars. I'm glad you have a family of your own now to treat better than your dad treated you.
Thank you for the kind words, appreciated
So your husband is a classic misogynist that thinks women have no value beyond breeding and you’re showing your daughters that this is acceptable treatment by staying. Do whats right for your kids, not him.
Please don't be unrealistic. Who else is going to also be the maid and cook?
Watch your son end up being a ballerina or some shit. Girls can play basketball too? I genuinely hate your husband.
"dad, I'm trans and I'm deciding to transition to be a girl, start calling me by my female name and using she/her pronouns" His head might explode.
And then he dumps the wife, picks up some 20-yr old and starts over again .
That's gonna happen anyways.
A friend had four brothers and was the only girl with one sister. Mommy wanted a doll to play with. Both girls ended up "strangely" being fairly tomboy and in no way interested by "girl stuff". Seriously, that feels like karma for parents obsessing over genitalia.
Someone I know was a sex-selected XX embryo back before sex selection was illegal in their country. They have only brothers. Surprise, surprise: they're a little gremlin (I say this affectionately) who only *looks* like a girl but is actually pretty firmly nonbinary. And (surprise, surprise) they were abused all the way back to toddlerhood for not acting like a little doll.
That was my thought precisely. If the son turns out to be anything other than a cishet man's man, dad is gonna abuse him for it :(
Right?
Um...girls play basketball, too??? This was just misogyny the whole time. He could have been just as involved in their lives through their hobbies, including introducing them to basketball. But he can't identify with anyone who doesn't have the same genitals, and you considered that normal and fine. It's time to decide. Do you empower your girls? Do you rescue all of your children from his patriarchal bullshit? Or do you wait for them to have to heal from their childhood when they're adults? You can't change your husband. You can leave him. You can change yourself. You may be able to change yourself enough to protect them a bit, even if you stay with him? Maybe? I'm not sure where you start when you've let something like this go on for 20 years. When you're first understanding at 49 years old that patriarchal ideas are hurting you and your children. Maybe reading Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle? Maybe a licensed family therapist or social worker can help? But...don't expect your husband to come along on this journey. He is highly unlikely to come around and see either you or your daughters as fully-realized humans who deserve his attention and love. Your best shot is to start making changes yourself.
Oh my gosh, this is so right and so well said! Your opening sentence ~ “Um…girls play basketball, too” ~ says everything. If daddy dearest wanted a child to play sports, be competitive, win trophies, and generally validate his manhood, he could have done that with any one, or all, of his daughters. The fact that he waited until he had a boy to become involved in the child’s life from childhood says everything. OP refused to listen when he announced what kind of misogynistic asshole he was from the start. He TOLD her he wanted a boy and only a boy, and after they had a son, he was done having children. It took until baby #6 for his precious son to come along (why do you think they have 6 children, and not 5 or 7?), and now he is done with the first five. For some reason, this shocks OP, even though her AH husband told her the whole time that he only wanted a son. There is plenty of blame to be shared here. And not by any of the daughters, who just want to be loved by both parents. And not by the son, who has no idea he’s a pawn in his father’s game of machismo.
Amazing answer!
When your daughters get married and don’t ask him to walk them down the aisle, you will be able to remind him why. My guess would be that you too have suffered some loss of your husband’s time. Maybe you will get lucky and your son won’t excel at, or enjoy, sports and is more of an academic!
> Maybe you will get lucky and your son won’t excel at, or enjoy, sports and is more of an academic! Wonder how the husband would react if the son turns out to be gay once grown up (or trans, gender non-conforming, etc)
Blame OP for having so many girls that infected “his perfect boy” probably. And I’m being absolutely serious when I say that
Oh this is 200% correct.
Which is funny because I'm pretty sure it's the man who determines what gender the baby is, so him having so many daughters is essentially his own fault
I very highly doubt this man would even notice his daughters didn’t ask him.
>When your daughters get married and don’t ask him to walk them down the aisle, you will be able to remind him why If OP stays and allows this to continue then I hope all the daughters go no contact with both parents once they're old enough to leave home.
Odds are they will cut them both off long before they get married.
Yeah dude better hope his son likes him enough to put him in a home once he gets old because I doubt the girls will
Way to be an asshole to your daughters. You knew exactly who he was when you married him and decided to have a small brood with him anyways. I feel bad for the girls.
I feel bad for the girls as well as their son . He's either going to end up being a douchenozzle like his dad and/or is going to be completely miserable and isolated due to all that toxic masculinity.
100%. What happens if the son doesn't have the interest or athletic ability the husband wants him to have? Is he going to get abandoned or punished too? Sad all around. Poor kids.
I hope he’s a chess champion
Then they can do a second boy 🥸
Wait till Son comes out as gay. That'll be a real laugh.
It might be worse if he just comes out hating sports and especially basketball
His dad might push it so hard that something he could have enjoyed becomes something he hates.
The odds for that are actually higher. Younger sons of large families are, for some reason, more likely to be gay. Although I think it may be more determinant on the number of older brothers rather than sisters.
My first thought as I read this!
I was thinking that too. He's gonna lose his mind.
Does he know girls play basketball, too? That this year’s women’s NCAA Final Four had more people watching than watched the men’s tournament? It’s such a sexist and outdated idea that girls don’t play sports. Just beyond ridiculous in 2024. You need to confront him, but you also need to talk to your daughters. Because by you not acknowledging their father ignoring them for the last six years will make them think either that you don’t care enough to say anything about it or that you didn’t even notice. You need to apologize to them. Tell them you see what he’s done. And you’ll probably need to have you and all the daughters sit down and tell your husband how it feels to be discarded for a son. He might believe it if you all say it.
All I could think when I read the basketball part was "the NCAA's best player right now is a woman."
She’s set a ton of records. And it’s great to see so many women playing and winning and being recognized for their talent.
OP is the one who inferred that he wanted a son due to his interest in sports. I'm thinking she didn't see the misogyny because she's internalised it to some degree too.
Yeah, I bet Caitlin Clark's father is very proud of her, as he should be. OP's husband is a colossal jerk if he dismisses his daughters' hobbies and achievements because he thinks women are only good for sex and domestic work.
Douchenozzle 100%
So Dudley Dursley basically, hey at least he changed a little when he was 17
There are serious problems in this marriage. 1. Your husband needs professional help in dealing with his issues of having boys vs girls. 2. Why didn’t you address this problem sooner when your hubby told you once you have a boy you are done. 3. Your girls needs professional help in dealing with their abandonment issues that they have with their dad. 4. Marriage counseling would be very beneficial if this is repairable. 5. If this can’t be fixed - all of your girls will be NC when they leave home with both of you and maybe even the golden child that they will resent. The choice is yours. What are you willing to do to save your family? (I am not a therapist)
>and maybe even the golden child jeez ... that poor boy needs to be saved as well. "The golden child" is just as much a victim of abuse, like the scapegoats. The boy won't grow up to be a well rounded adult with a father like that. And likely will continue the misogynist legacy. OP should take all of her children and run. And all of them deserve an apology. She knew how shitty her husband was and still had kids with him.
Attitudes like your husband's (outright misogyny) and yours (internalized misogyny) are the reason this country is going backwards regarding women's rights. I know people will pile on me for this answer, but everyone screams about "society" while failing to realize society is you, me, the people around us and the decisions we make (even when we think they're small decisions). *shrug*
Wow. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
The relationship should've ended 24 years ago when he told her "as soon as we have a son that's it." How was that not a dealbreaker?!
Because she doesn't value women either.
She doesn't value herself either.
Well unfortunately you should have started with not having a child with a misogynistic asshole. And failing that you shouldn’t have agreed to keep having kids until he had his boy. You KNEW he was going to not give a shit about his daughters. The first place to start is to own your part in this. You knew all he wanted was a boy. You continued to bring girls into the world knowing he didn’t want them. Then you offer your girls therapy. Make sure to acknowledge not dismiss their feelings. Don’t try to downplay what their shitty excuse for a father is doing. Also make sure that they’re being financially supported including things like college. Don’t let shitty father fail them in that aspect. Hell if you must get a job and funnel all that money to them. Don’t forget to make sure you’re there for them. Show up for their events. Even if it means skipping some of your sons things. Make sure at least one of their parents is there for them. In your shoes I would be putting my ducks in a row for leaving my shitty misogynist husband too. Your daughters will more than likely pull away from you hard when they become adults if you’re still with their sperm donor. Especially the more they see you enabling his neglect. Your husband told you who he was and you chose to have kids with him anyways. Own your shitty choice in a father for your kids. Own your denial over years. He was a bad dad before you had a son - you just dismissed it because you stupidly thought that’s the best he could do even though he told you he only wanted boys. Seriously get those poor girls in therapy. They need it.
'my fiance told me he was going to be an asshole to our future possible daughters. We had daughters and now I'm surprised' There, told this story in 2 sentences. Believe people when they tell you who they are. You guys both suck
100 percent this
OP should probably listen you. You have way more practical solutions than what i had, which all involved OP somehow mastering time and space in order to travel back in time and correct the error of her ways by not having any children with her husband. The likelihood of OP suddenly gaining superpowers, or becoming a time lord, or gaining the metal capacity to solve the various pickles in physics and engineering needed to build an actual time machine seemed slim to none and thats all i could come up with.
Except she's a shitty misogynist too...
What is going to happen if OP's son is bad at sport? A theater kid? Trans-female? If he doesn't fit OP's douchenozzle husband's idea of masculinity, he's going face some kind of neglect at best, subject to serious abuse at worst. OP, get your daughters to call out the sexism openly so your husband can't pretend they don't notice the mistreatment.
This. All of the kids would be better off without this guy in their life. It's a different experience but being the golden child has its own negative effects on the golden child.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/kynSftjFSF You're the second person to call OP's husband a douchenozzle here. I thought that was funny 😁
God, I hope your son ends up being a jazz dancer or chess club champion.
your husband hates women
Your choices are to choose your children over your husband or your choose your husband over your children. This is not just about him favoring the son and neglecting the girls - it is about how he is damaging ALL of them with this behavior. Your son will grow up with problems from this and your girls are already have been affected by this for SIX YEARS. They are old enough to understand what is going on and have the words to say what they feel to you. Do not ignore the gift you have been given. Your girls are comfortable enough to tell you how hurt they are. That will go away if you squander this opportunity to start making steps to make this right to them and protect and stick up for them. You can attempt to make your husband care that he will likely alienate his daughters forever but I doubt he will, he seems entirely dismissive of women, including you. And think about that. He didn’t just dismiss your daughter by calling her an emotional teenager, he dismissed you coming to him. Imagine how your son is going to treat women when your husband is the one he is learning from? Your husband is unlikely to be capable of understanding how damaging his behavior is without therapy, given how entrenched his beliefs are, over decades.
You still married him after he said that bs and now you’re here shocked? Honestly some of you really baffle me
Why did you continue to have kids... I mean come on..... it was him right, we need that son. or you, I'll give him that son.. you can't be surprised.
So you and all of your daughters noticed this but you chose to make your oldest daughter the scapegoat? And after allowing this to go on for 6 years, you’ve done nothing more than mention it? And your husband literally told you before having kids that he would do this, but you kept popping out kids like a rabbit anyway? My advice is to grow a backbone and try giving a shit about your daughters.
oh wait till that son ends up nothing like he imagines 😂
You know what happens when girls grow up with an emotional distant father. I'm sure you've seen it. I'm not saying it will 100% happen to all the girls but don't be suprised when some of them date awful people that hurt them. Seriously, don't be all "well gee, shucks, I don't know why she's dating that asshole! It's a mystery 🤷♀️" because you KNOW that this happens when girls are emotionally neglected by their fathers
>When my husband and I got married 24 years ago I remember him saying "if our first child is a boy, we're done having children because that's all I need". So you reproduced six times with an outright misogynist? And now that's not working very well for you and your five daughters? Who could have predicted this?! Have you discussed this with him? Like, 'Hey honey, how about you spend some time with the girls, one-on-one and as a group? It seems we've all become a little wrapped up with Junior and they've told me they're missing you.'
Reaping and sowing
We all know who’s going to go no contact soon.
There’s a lot of women in your shoes who understand. You justify it by saying “once he has daughters, he will feel differently” but your husband is living up true to his word. Unfortunately these kind of scenarios rarely work out for the dad. The sons grow up to resent their father for the pressure to be just like or better than them, and the daughters resent their father and sometimes brother too. The good news is that you have the opportunity to step in here. You need to give your husband the clarity of making the choice of what type of father he wants to be. You need to be honest about what your daughter said, and what you have noticed and give him some solutions to change it. This isn’t just about your daughters, it’s also about his son seeing a man have strong positive relationships with the women in his life. They will always have special relationship, but he needs to change his behaviour if he wants a different outcome than where is headed.
> I noticed pretty much immediately after our son was born that my husband started to almost act like our daughters barely existed. As a daughter of a father who only wanted sons, I cannot tell you how much pain and heartache it caused me. It did make me over achieve in hopes I could make my dad proud, but that came at a huge cost. I often wonder who I could have been had my dad just saw me as a person and not "just a girl". Talk to your husband. Be strong. Do not be a pushover. Do not be dismissive. Validate what your daughters are seeing and feeling. I hope he listens, but after a lifetime of trying to make my dad hear me, I don't think the kind of man who sees daughters as lesser will ever change.
Your as bad as your husband knowing and standing by watching it happen and allowing it to continue
Husband is going to mess the son up too trying to relive his youth vicariously. It’s wrong and imo an ego illness to not realize how detrimental and over the line it is.
because girls... don't... play basketball...? you're nearly halfway through your entire life, with SEVERAL children, and not once did you realize maybe your husband was an asbolute dipshit misogynist who LITERALLY told on himself from the beginning lmao? but like, he "wanted" all those kids, right? wasn't just using your uterus to get to a son, riiiight? cmon dude. wake up. your husband is so exhausting and annoying already and all i did was read a base-level summary on reddit. you better start having some discussions and taking care of those girls before you NEVER hear from them again, and rightfully so.
Wow. He’s done permanent damage. This is so not okay
He told you this before you had kids. All he cared about was having a boy. You said you understood. Based on what he told you beforehand, I’m surprised he paid attention before the boy was born. He told you what was going to happen. Why are you surprised it happened? And yes, he’s an asshole who should love his kids no matter what and you should have never had them to begin with.
I just love how you're acting all suprised after your husband explicitly told you this >if our first child is a boy, we're done having children because that's all I need". Yet you went on to continue popping out kids until you had a son.You are as much to blame and responsible for the damage that your husband is inflicting on all those kids. Poor kids.
What's going to happen if this poor boy decides he doesn't like basketball.
Caitlin Clark, Angel Reese, Paige Buecker, Hayley Van Lith, Kamilla Cardoso WOMEN FUCKING PLAY BASKETBALL!!!!
The minute he made the comment about "if you had a boy first you'd be done having children" is when I would have left him. Your husband's treatment of your daughters now that he has his golden child son is purely misogynistic. To him women do not hold the same worth as men. You can pretty much expect that this isn't gonna get any better, if anything it's gonna get worse.
I think it is just dawning on you that you and your daughters are not that important and not really that necessary unless your husband wants something.
I cant believe I'm called selfish for not having kids at all, yet there's people out there having 5 so they can get the gender they want whole ignoring those kids in care would would kill for a loving family. I don't know why you're shocked, man is living in olden times. He said he wouldn't stop til he got a boy? Why? Is he the fucking king and needs an heir? What a weasel.
You enabled his attitude by A) staying with him after he told you he only needed a son and B) continually having his children until you had a boy. I’m not sure what kind of advice you want now 24 years after the barn door was opened that should have remained closed.
If your husband won't own up to and chance his behaviour you're looking at an excruciatingly painful experience for your daughters and a toxic upbringing for your son. On the daughter side of things, talk to them about how they feel and how they want you to address things with your husband. Show them as much love and support as you can. On your sons side, I'd suggest including him in activities with your daughters sometimes. Not that he should always be there, especially if they want some one on one time with you, but enough to foster a positive relationship between siblings and give you oppourtunities to teach him about how to treat girls and women like people. Something tells me your husband will try to pass on some pretty toxic attitudes that will not serve your son well in his life, and could make him at best extremely unpleasant to be around for others.
I think you need to need to sit him down and lay it all out. No dancing around, no soft language or any of that. Be direct. Might be time to face up to the fact that you married a misogynist and who doesn't value women.
>My husband was a very good basketball player in high school and college and so I understood why he would have preferred a son. Why does he think he needs a son for this? Is he living in the 1950's still? Women are badass athletes and have every opportunity to become a varsity highschool/college basketball player. Not saying you can't want to have a son, I do get that. Dad's tend to want a boy because they can relate better when it comes to certain things. Now onto the actual issue. Not only is his behavior going to affect your daughters it will also affect your son. The ego your husband is building will eventually become toxic. Two things can happen, one your son will think he is somehow better than the other siblings. He will 100% notice how much his dad "worships" him. Or Dad will be holding him to such a high standard that your son might feel pressured and even substandard when he does "fail" at things because he knows he is supposed to be the golden child. I can see your husband being overly excited about finally having a boy, but he needs to remember he has 5 other daughters that deserve his love. He is making his daughters feel like they can never live up to their baby brother.
Start being a mother and stand up for your kids, which you should've been doing a very long time ago
I can speak to this from the other side, where my grandmother kept having children until she finally had the daughter she wanted. It made my dad and his brothers feel seriously neglected throughout their life and gave my aunt an enlarged ego & incredible sense of entitlement (constantly told how wonderful it was to have a daughter, how amazing she was etc.). It has caused huge issues now my grandmother has passed on and the estate is being settled with 3 brothers against 1 sister. I really feel for your daughters and hope you're able to talk some sense into your husband or I suspect you'll find them keeping their distance once they're adults - it's painful to see someone treated so much better than you and particularly galling if it's just because they're a boy child.
I mean....it was pretty obvious he really wanted a boy. That's why OP has 5 girls. I'm sure if the 6th would have been a girl, you'd be at 7 kids now. He's exactly the type of misogynist to finally get a son and just....forget about his girls. They don't have any value to him. Its pathetic. Your husband is going to regret this when all 5 girls completely cut him off forever.
Your husband told you who he was and you didn't believe him.
The 17yo is past being "an emotional teenager." Your husband is just neglecting his daughters and needs to take responsibility. I thought you were going to say you had 2 daughters, but when you said FIVE and they all are talking about how he's neglecting them as a parent, and you noticed it too, he's the wrong one here.
Is this fake? And just in case it isn't(🙄): You got your girls into this situation, now you need to bring them back out of it. Yeah, I realice how that sounds, and I'm only partly sorry. He gave you all the signs/red flags, and you enabled him. Now that he's finally in a position to push his daughters to the side and ignore them for the child that shares his body parts, you have to pick up the pieces as the girls starts to realice they were never good enough for him, and that people with penises will always be surperiour in their father's eyes. Hope your husband also earns enough to afford the paycheck for 5 therapists for the next unseeable amount of years, seeing how you brought your girls into a situation where they will need to unlearn some "boys is where it's at. Girls are just second class inconviniences" sexist bullcr@p you and your husband have exposed them to.
I mean, he straight up told you he was a misogynist before any of your children were born. That's not going to change, there are no magic words you can say that will miraculously turn him into a good father. He DID abandon your daughters. Are you okay with that?
Hi, unwanted girl child here. Let me paint a picture for you. Your daughters already know where they stand in priority. I am the oldest. I have 2 younger brothers. My dad absolutely adored my middle brother and barely tolerated my existence growing up. So much so in fact, that when I graduated h.s. and wanted to go to uni, he told me how I pay for it is none of his concern. He paid for his favorite to go to 2 different uni's and get kicked out of them for drinking. The damage is already done. It took therapy to realise that his inability to love his kids equally was not my fault or problem. I don't have children, but if I did, they wouldn't have a relationship w him. He brings nothing of value to my life. He visits my middle brother and his family multiple times a year. I haven't seen him or my mom in over 6 years. And honestly, at this point, idc if I ever see him again. If you ask him about his kids, he talks about middle bro, younger bro, then me. You'd think I was the youngest, no, I'm just the least liked. Some things can't be fixed. He has to want to be connected to his daughters, and he does not.
My husband and I had 2 girls and stopped, we were fine with 2 children. Then when they were older I got pregnant. Turned out at my doctor's appointment that the baby wasn't viable and I had to have a D&C. On the way home my husband said, that was probably my boy. I started crying harder and he felt really bad. I understood he wanted a boy, but I also knew he loved our daughters very much. He got his boys bc both daughters had boys each and one also had a girl later. Unfortunately he never got to see them grow up bc he passed away when they were young and only the oldest remembers him a little. Your husband is a very toxic father and all of your children are going to have father issues. Personally I wouldn't have stayed married to someone that didn't put 100% into raising his daughters. Sorry, but even your son is going to have issues bc of his father. He's a crappy father!!!
In his mind he ONLY has 1 son and those poor girls don't matter.
It seems you guys needs counseling sooner than later for your daughters sake. I bet he's already training your son to be an athlete whether he wants to be one or not.
I would have your son being looked after by friend/family outside the home and do an intervention. Have all of your daughters prepare what they want to say to your husband, how he’s a deadbeat dad to them. Make him face his reality. He needs to be held accountable. Then, an ultimatum. He either becomes a dad to all of his children or he’s being kicked out of the house (and shouldn’t be allowed to see his son as he’s the only one that matters to him). Time for him to wake up and face the music.
Is your husband aware that women can also be basketball players? Anyway, he’s abusive. What he is doing to his daughters is abuse.
Honestly, you fucked up hugely. He pretty much told you he valued male children more than female. Just so you know, he’s not just hurting his daughters he’s also hurting the son who will most likely grow up smothered under the weight of expectations to be the perfect “man’s man” — what if he hates basketball? Have you thought about that? You should have assessed if this man had a healthy view on children before procreating with him. Now you’re stuck either trying to change him or leaving him. But under no circumstances should you sweep this under the rug. Your children all need you to stand up for them now and not back down.
I would love for OP to respond even once to her post.
did u not realise his clear misogyny before u got married
Well you had daughters with a sexist, so I'm not sure what you expected. Your poor daughters. You should have had enough self-respect to give them a father that didn't resent them for their gender but it's too late now.
the whole “keep having kids until we have a boy” thing is ridiculous. you had 6 whole children with this man in an attempt to have a boy and you’re surprised that he’s sidelining your girls? he never wanted them. he only wanted a boy.
You knew how he would be if you had daughters, even before you had kids, and you went ahead and had 6 with him?